Crush and Burn Dani's House

SIREN WAILS

Ah!

What's that noise?

It's a meteor proximity warning! We're doomed!

No, the meteor proximity alarm goes awooga-awooga-awooga!

This is going a-wa-wa-wa-wa!

Maybe it's the reactor malfunction.

Reactor readings are fine.

The hull breach?

Forcefield polarity reversal?

We're out of Cornflakes?

Great, I just remembered!

It's to remind us that the new series of Dani's House starts today!

Ah, yay!

OTHER SIREN WAILS

-Now that's what the meteor proximity alarm sounds like.

-Oh.

BOTH: We're doomed!

But on the plus side...

BOTH: New Dani's House!

Hey! My name's Dani, and this...

Is her best friend, Jack.

Thanks. My name's Dani, and this...

Is her brother, Max!

And his best friend, Ben!

As I was saying, my name's Dani, and this...

Is her friend, Ruby!

And I'm her sister, Maisy!

And I'm Dani, and this is the brilliant...

ALL: Our house!

THEY ALL ARGUE

RUBY WHISTLES

Hey, guys! You will not believe the year I've had.

So, somehow, my evil little brother won a TV talent show,

and became the hottest grime star

on the planet. Now, everywhere I look,

all I see is him staring out at me

with his horribly successful eyes.

Agh!

And to cap it all,

today, I found out I'm getting

a new co-star on McHurties Hospital.

That's just what I need.

Another jumped-up diva fighting over which of us gets the most scenes.

Still, on the plus side, Max is going on a world tour and taking

Mum and Dad with him, which means I finally get the bigger bedroom!

CRYING

Ben, what are you doing here?

Max asked me to give you a message.

Max left three days ago. Have you been up here all this time?

Oh, I'm so hungry!

Wait, what message?

Yo, yo, yo, 'sup, girl?

He's so cool!

Listen up, yo.

Mo and Po gave me the a-yo to tell yo that my crib is a no-go zo, yo?

And in English?

What I'm trying to say is you're not allowed in my room,

and my friend Ben can crash over any time he likes.

Oh, great.

Sorry if this comes as a shock, you know,

but got to scoot off to the sound check.

Don't want to let the fans down.

Shout out to Ruby and Jack. Laters!

I won't get in your way, Dani.

I'll just come here sometimes and quietly mourn

the loss of my best friend.

There, there. Look, when Sam became an astronaut, I kept myself busy.

Maybe you need a project to distract yourself.

But I've already got a project.

I'm building a life-size model of Max out of used tissues.

Yeah. Erm, maybe you need a project that doesn't remind you of Max.

Hey, I hadn't thought of that!

Anyway, I'd better be getting to work.

I've got to meet my new co-star for McHurties.

Whoop-de-doo! I think not.

Thanks, Dani. Good luck!

I don't mean to complain, Zarina, it's just...

I wasn't expecting to share so much screen time with this new guy.

I mean, you've given him over half my lines.

Darling, remember who you are.

The star of McHurties Hospital is McHurties Hospital,

but we need new blood to keep it fresh.

-Look, Zarina...

-Characters come and go, darling.

Actors can easily be replaced.

CRASH!

-Look out below!

-Aaah!

Wow! You saved me.

My hero!

Can't have the star of the show getting flattened.

We'd have to call you Nurse Pancake!

Believe me, I'm not the star of the show.

Not now I've got to play second fiddle

to some line-stealing prima donna!

Who's responsible for that?

Why don't you two go over scene 12?

I need to go and fire the lighting staff.

Er, why would we run through a scene together?

This is Alex, your new co-star.

Hello, again!

You? You're my...?

But you're, erm...

You're...

Is there something on my face?

No. Just your big, manly nose.

Not that your nose is big.

I mean, well, it is big, but not freakishly big.

It's in proportion with the rest of your face.

Oh, so I've got a big face?

No! Well, yeah, compared to mine, it's big,

but you've got big ears compared to mine, too.

-Have I?

-Yeah, but it's fine. It's a good thing.

The bigger the ears, the better the hearing.

Oh, great, so I'll be able to hear people saying,

"Look, there goes Mr Big Nose!"

It's better to have big ears than none at all,

otherwise, you'd look even weirder. Not that you look weird!

You're no oil painting either!

You've got, er, a smallish mouth!

-I have?

-Yeah! It's like this.

"Oh, look at me! My mouth's so small,

"I can only eat little tiny beans!"

Yeah, well, if anything, your mouth is way too big.

It's like you've got the Channel Tunnel stuck on your face!

What did you have for dinner? Baked...trains?

Oh, thanks. Well, now I know exactly what you think of me.

No, thank you, because now I know what you think of me.

-See you around.

-Whatever!

One minute, he's saving my life, the next, he's biting my head off.

-He's short-tempered, rude, brave, gorgeous, line-stealing...

-Ooh!

Sounds like somebody fancies him!

I do not fancy him.

You just said he was gorgeous.

And before that, you said he was brave.

Well, even if I did say he was brave and gorgeous

and charismatic and talented, I wouldn't want to go out with him,

and he certainly doesn't want to go out with me.

I can't believe I said he had a big nose.

I went to pieces around him, like I was nervous or something.

Haven't you learned anything from romantic movies?

This is how it starts! With you two hating one another.

-First, come the insults.

-Then, the shouting.

BOTH: Then, the kissing and the hugging!

Oh, no! I've got a crush on my new co-star!

Oh, you and Alex could be the new Brad and Angelina.

Instead of Brangelina, you could be Danalex!

Ugh, that sounds like a brand of toilet paper!

I can't believe this is happening.

I'm more taken aback that my sister just gave some relationship advice

which wasn't completely rubbish.

It's bad enough that Mum and Dad asked me to look after you today,

I'm not having any lip on top of that.

Fine.

I'll go and find someone who appreciates my insults.

I was getting bored here anyway.

"Ooh, let's talk about boys and relationships!" Bleugh!

You should be ashamed of yourself.

She has a point though, Rubes.

You know, you know as much about boys

as I know about rewiring electrical appliances.

APPLIANCE ZAPS Aaah!

I rest my case.

Hic!

Oh, great. Now I've given myself the hiccups.

And that's the end of the world because...?

Well, the last time this happened, they lasted for three days. Hic!

I'm meant to be entering the Golden Turntable trials tomorrow.

I'm never going to win with hiccups.

Hic!

Ruby, what am I going to do?

I fancy someone who can't stand the sight of me.

Dani, Dani, Dani.

Allow me to be your personal love trainer.

I don't need a love trainer, Ruby. I need a love doctor. I'm sick.

Doctor, I have this nervous, excited feeling in my tummy

and I can't stop smiling.

-Plus, I have a noise in my ear.

-What does it sound like?

CHOIR SINGS

Like angels singing.

Open your mouth and say "Ah".

Ah!

Just as I thought. Lovesickness.

Is there a cure? Or some kind of injection I could have?

Please, doctor, you have to help me!

I'm afraid the only solution is to remove your heart

-and replace it with this.

-What is it?

-Take a look!

HORN HONKS

Now snap out of it! He's just a boy!

The sun?

A tree?

A potato!

It's Max.

You've drawn Max.

Yes! Well done, Maisy!

Hardly.

You've drawn Max in every round so far.

I can't help it. All I can think about is him. I miss having fun.

You can have fun with me!

No offence, Maisy, but you're a lot younger than Max and I.

What fun can you offer someone as mature and sophisticated as myself?

What does it matter how old I am?

I'm going to prove that I'm 20 times as fun as that monkey trumpet.

Hic!

-Hi, Jack.

-Can't talk - hiccups.

Going to try the old drinking-the-water-backwards trick.

Hic!

Man, there's nothing for it!

I'm just going to have to withdraw my entry to the competition.

Luckily for you, Ben has an old family remedy for hiccups.

-No, I don't!

-Yes, you do.

What are you talking about, Maisy? I really don't.

-You do!

-Stop it, you're freaking me out!

You wanted something to take your mind off Max, didn't you?

Well, this is it. Come on, it'll be fun.

I can cure your hiccups, Jack. I know an old family remedy.

This isn't some kind of joke, is it? Come on, can you actually cure me?

-Definitely.

-Absolutely.

As if he'd play a joke on you!

Yeah, OK, fine. You can help. I'm desperate.

What shall we say? 20 quid?

We're not doing this for the money.

We're in it for the fun!

He means we're doing it for the goodness of our hearts,

to help a friend.

But if you insist on paying us...

You get the other half when you cure me.

These are your lungs.

Your oesophagus, your glottis, your vocal chords,

and this little nasty here, this is the diaphragm.

What's it called, Private Benjamin?

The diaphragm, ma'am!

And what is the diaphragm, Private Benjamin?

It's a thin layer of muscle separating Jack's chest off

from his belly-welly.

Yes, indeedy! And that's the source of your troubles, sir!

When the dia-thing gets irritated through shock, it becomes surly.

And when the diaphragm becomes surly, all Mary Heck breaks loose.

What breaks loose, Private Benjamin?

-Mary Heck.

-Mary Heck what?

-Mary Heck, ma'am!

-Hic!

Yeah, that's all well and good, but why are you telling me this?

Know your enemy!

We can't defeat the hiccups until we know what we're up against.

-To beat the hiccups, you have to think like a hiccup.

-Hic!

Do you have the stomach for this fight, soldier?

Yeah, but I don't understand why all this guff is necessary. Hic.

You're talking like you want the hiccups to win!

-Is that what you want?!

-Well, is it?!

Answer us!

-No.

-No, what?

Ma'am? Hic!

Let's roll.

Hic!

Ruby, why am I on a rowing machine?

To help you focus on your goal.

We need to get Alex to see you as a potential romantic interest.

And how do I do that?

On your feet, Dani. I've got it.

-You've got what?

-Peacocks!

You've got peacocks?

Peacocks display their bright tailfeathers to attract a mate.

Humans can do the same with hair, clothes and make-up.

You need to become a peacock.

-Are you sure about this?

-Ha!

If there's one thing I know about, it's peacocks.

Love!

If there's one thing I know about, it's love.

Hi, Alex!

OK, so peacocking was a bad idea.

How about we do penguining?

No. No more bird-related dating tips.

I know! We should try a double date!

Firstly, he won't go on a date with me. I said he had a big nose.

Then I scared him so much that he tripped over the catering trolley

and got his head stuck in a bucket.

He doesn't have to know it's a date!

And secondly, a double date with who?

Me, and Jack!

-You and Jack aren't together.

-Yeah, but Alex doesn't have to know that!

-OK. I know I'm going to regret this, but it's worth a shot, I guess.

-Yes!

# Dani and Alex, sitting in a tree

# K-I-S-S-I-N-G

# First comes love, then comes... #

Maybe I'm getting a tad carried away!

Just a tad.

What's in this thing again? Hic!

It's probably best you don't know, but just to check,

do you have an allergy to any of the following things?

Frog's brains, eye of newt, dog farts, E1046.

-You put all that in this drink?

-No, we're just messing with you, Jack.

This drink has but two ingredients. Vinegar...

And the world's hottest, naturally grown chilli. Behold!

The Bhut Jolokia, also known as the ghost chilli.

It rates a staggering 855,000 units

on the Scoville Scale of chilli hotness.

It's like swallowing a handful of jagged rocks,

while being slapped around the face cheeks with a porcupine on a stick.

I'm not drinking that, then!

You got your hiccups by getting a shock.

The only thing that'll cure them is to shock your system another way.

Hic!

Yeah, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

You do want to rehearse for your gig, don't you, Jack?

-Is this stuff safe?

-Hic!

Of course it possibly is!

Bottoms up, Jack!

Ugh!

That wasn't so bad.

Actually, that is quite hot!

-Cool!

-Are we having fun yet?

Ugh!

Well, does it work?

Who cares whether it worked?

Call the fire brigade! My entire digestive system is ablaze!

I've still got the hiccups! Hic!

Come on, you stupid thing! I'm missing Dani's House!

I need to know whether Jack cures his hiccups and Dani gets the boy!

COMPUTER BEEPS

Oh, much better.

Here we are, Coordinator.

I removed this meteorite from our TV dish.

It must have been causing the interference.

Coordinator Zark, that's no meteorite! That's a graggleflax egg!

-You have to throw it back into space before it hatches.

-Why?

The graggleflax falls in love with the first creature

it sets its eyes upon.

Why is that so bad?

Because the graggleflax is the most neediest creature in the universe!

If it falls in love with you, it never, ever leaves you alone.

It's hatching! Quickly, flush it out the airlock!

No, you do it!

You do it!

I wuv you!

Mwah mwah mwah!

I'll wuv you forever!

We're meant to be together! It's our destiny.

Thanks very much(!)

You're so handsome!

-Really?

-Mmm!

-Thank you very much.

Don't you think the candles are a bit much?

We need to create a romantic atmosphere,

and there's nothing more romantic than candles.

Unless you're wearing an outfit woven from very dry leaves.

Yeah, which is why I'm not going to light them, just in case.

-Well, doesn't that kind of defeat the point?

-Ssh!

Still help Alex get in the right frame of mind

to fall in love with you.

I'm not trying to get him to fall in love with me.

I just want him to stop hating me long enough

that he might consider going for a pizza sometime.

Look, you know me, and I never back down from a challenge.

That boy is going to fall in love with you whether he likes you or not!

DOORBELL RINGS

That's him! OK, stay calm, play it cool!

Yeah, because this room just screams cool(!)

Good luck!

Hey. I got the message you needed to urgently rehearse our scenes.

Actually, rehearsing's not really why I asked you over here.

Oh? I'm listening.

We got off to a bad start, but I want to make it up to you.

Maybe we could start again?

I mean, we are going to be co-stars, after all.

OK, OK. I may have overreacted slightly. My bad.

Maybe we could get to know each other. Like, over a pizza?

Yeah, that would be weird. No pizza.

We haven't really nailed scene 12 yet.

While I'm here, we may as well rehearse.

Great idea. Come into my parlour!

I should probably pretend that I didn't see that.

Yeah, probably.

Hic!

-And you're absolutely sure this is going to cure my hiccups?

-Yes.

-So, you're certain I'll be fit for the competition tomorrow?

-Yes.

We went to the library, and we got a book out and everything.

It's called Ye Olde Book Of Hiccup Cures.

So why does the cover say

History's 100 Funniest Tortures?

It's a misprint, and if this doesn't cure you, nothing will.

You said that about the last five cures! Hic!

This is different. We're going to tickle your feet

until your hiccups can stand no more.

Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.

Unless you have malaria, in which case, the best medicine

is a month-long course of anti-malarial treatment.

Jack, Alex is here! Are you all set to...?

What are you doing to Jack?

We're trying to cure his hiccups by having fun.

And I'm trying to distract myself from the loss of Max by having fun.

And I'm not having any fun at all. Hic!

Jack, I need you out of there!

You have to pretend to be my boyfriend, remember?

You're that desperate that you now have to pretend

you've got a boyfriend?

We're doing it to help Dani.

Rubes, explain to me again... Hic! ..how us pretending... Hic!

..to be together... Hic!

..is going to help Dani get with this Alex... Hic! ..person.

He'll see us all loved up, look around,

and see that Dani's available, and boom!

Cupid's in the house.

We're not going to kiss, are we?

-No, we'll just hold hands.

-Ugh!

-Hic!

-OK, fine, we won't do that.

Just hurry up and get cured!

Hic! Well, can we get going now? I'm starting to get a headache.

OK, on the count of three.

-One, two...

-Nine!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hic! Hic! Hic!

Please make it stop! Hic!

-Interesting decor!

-Yeah, I'm really big on candles.

Candles and curtains and chandeliers.

Basically, any decor that begins with a C, even carnations.

-Technically, those are roses.

-Whatever. Do you like them?

Nice to look at, less nice to inhale.

Atchoo!

I've got chronic hayfever.

Oh, right, well, I'll just put them away.

It was a stupid idea.

Stupid, hayfever-making flowers, stupid carnations.

-Roses.

-Whatever.

Look, Alex. There's something I need to ask you. Well, tell you.

Erm, express to you, as it were.

Hi, there!

Alex, this is my friend, Ruby.

Hey. Saw your dance earlier!

Yep, you just can't stop me dancing. Dancing Ruby, Dani calls me.

-# Doo-doo-doo-doo! #

-Yeah, I really don't.

Ruby just hangs out here.

You know, hangs out here and interrupts people

when they're about to say something...

-So, you must be really excited about working with Dani?

-Er...

Excited is one word for it.

Another word would be not excited, although that's two words.

-And this is Jack.

-Hi.

He's my boyfriend. Right, Jack?

We're a couple. We're in love!

Hey, Jack. How's it going?

Hic! Hic! Hic!

I've got hiccups.

That would explain the hiccup-like noise you just made.

Hope you don't mind us hanging out with you today.

-We'll try not to get too lovey-dovey.

-Too right, you won't!

Actually, we're about to rehearse a scene for McHurties,

so we'd rather not have a crowd.

Well, I don't mind. Two people is nothing.

We're going to be performing to an audience of millions when we film.

Come on, boyfriend.

Let's snuggle up on the sofa

and let these actors rehearse their scene!

-Scene 12, you say?

-Mm-hmm.

-Trust me, it's going to work with us two being here!

-Hic!

Right then, what can we do next to Jack?

What happens if we cure him, Maisy? What happens when the fun stops?

I'll be back to missing Max!

Hey, I'll still be around.

You've had fun with me so far, haven't you?

I don't mean to be rude, Maisy,

but while I've enjoyed setting fire to Jack's intestines

and tickling him until he wet himself, we're missing something.

It just isn't the same without that cherry on the cake.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to roll around on the bathroom floor crying.

How do you do it, Max? What's your secret?

Where do you keep your schemes?

-MAX:

-What are you doing in my room?

What are you doing on the ceiling?

My wardrobe was rigged to alarm me if anyone tried to break into it.

Don't even think about it, pea-head. I'm watching you by webcam.

One press of this button, and I set off my booby traps.

I was just looking for inspiration.

Ben and I are trying to wind up Jack.

You're trying to steal my Ben away from me?

And you want my help?

Go find your own inspiration, you little squirt!

Fine. I will.

I'm going to prove to Ben that I'm eight million times more fun

to hang out with than you.

You'll never do it, never top my schemes.

You don't have my panache, my skill for a setup, followed by a big,

messy, hilariously epic finale, and Ben knows that.

He's my friend, you hear? He's mine, mine, mine, mine, mine!

-Max! Max, is that you?

-No, it isn't. And we don't need him.

You want a cherry on our cake of fun?

Well, hold onto your underpants, Benjamin,

because that's just what you're going to get.

I don't see how this will help!

Nurse Woodmagnet, when was the last time you checked on Mr Cooper?

Have you seen his hands?

I have not, Nurse Marrow. Why do you ask?

Because they've both swollen up like a bunch of bananas!

Sorry, what is that?

It's a wrist exerciser!

Don't waste any opportunity keeping fit.

Comes with being a personal trainer.

No way? I've been thinking about getting a personal trainer.

Oh, well, Dani should become your personal trainer. She's really fit.

-Show him your moves, Dani!

-My moves?

-Mmm.

Right. Erm, OK.

DANI'S BACK CRACKS

Ow! Ow, my back!

You OK, Dani?

I've done something really bad to my skeleton!

Come on, I'll do some physio on you.

Wow, your back's like steel! Really tense.

Well, I'm not exactly relaxed, am I, Ruby?

Before we begin our meditation, we should do some relaxation exercises.

Yoga can make you more aware, more in tuned with the universe,

and unwind your muscles.

Now, do as I do.

The extended woodlouse.

Downward facing porpoise.

The happy chimney sweep.

Er, excuse me. I don't think I'm doing this correctly.

-Are you ready?

-As I'll ever be.

Then let's get set up, and we'll give Jack the fright of his life.

-How does that feel?

-A bit better.

Instead of feeling like my back's about to explode,

it just feels like my spine's been replaced

by a family of angry hedgehogs.

Well, I might as well use this time to try

and rehearse for the competition.

Wow, you're a DJ?

Obviously, he's a DJ, Alex. Those are DJ decks!

Yeah, but I've got a competition to enter tomorrow. Hic!

And if I can't get these hiccups cured by then,

I'm never going to win!

Hic!

That looked pretty good to me!

I know.

That was a Fassbender flip!

The what, now?

It's a move that only two DJs have ever been able to do.

Because of these hiccups, so can I!

Hic!

Seriously, that was beyond awesome!

Yes! Ha-ha, back in the game, baby! Eyes on the prize.

-OK?

-Yeah.

Good, because we're going all out to get you guys together.

Ruby, let's face it,

Alex is more interested in your silly exercises

and Jack's DJing than he is in me.

You can't give up now!

No, it's OK. He's clearly not interested.

I'll just have to accept the fact

that we're not going to get together.

Hic!

-Now, Ben!

-Hic! Aaaaaaaah!

Oooh!

-What are you doing?

-Curing your hiccups!

Right, that's enough, Ben.

What is up with you two?

We're just doing what Jack asked us to do.

We were just trying to cure his hiccups.

With a wedgie?

With a mammoth wedgie!

And it sounds like it worked!

My hiccups are gone!

A deal's a deal, I guess.

Jack, I told you I didn't do this for the money,

but if it makes you feel better...

Now let's go buy some cool stuff.

-You want me to go shopping with you?

-You've had fun, haven't you?

Yeah, but I draw the line at that.

Plus, it would feel like I'm betraying Max.

-Ben, you are allowed more than one friend.

-I am? Really?

Yeah, really.

Let's go and plan our next adventure.

-After we go shopping, don't you mean?

-No, before.

Oh, wait a minute!

Look, I need those hiccups. You have to get them back for me.

I can't do the Fassbender flip without them!

-How much would you pay us to get your hiccups back?

-Now, that's very Max.

Alex, look out!

CRASH!

You saved me!

This is going to sound out of the blue,

but how about going for a pizza sometime?

Yay!

DANI'S BACK CRACKS

Ow! Not again!

Come on, you. Let's get that back sorted.

Is it always like this here?

You'll get used to it.

I think this could be the start of something big for Dani and Alex!

What do you reckon, Coordinator?

I've got enough problems of my own, without worrying about Dani's.

I wuv you, Coordinator Zang. We're going to be together.

Forever!

SIREN WAILS

Oh, no! Not the meteor proximity alarm again!

Maybe it's another graggleflax egg.

Control says the composition of

the incoming object is 98% iron ore.

-This one's definitely a meteor.

-Well, how far away is it?

It's about to hit us!

No time for evasive action!

Brace for impact! This is it!

At least I'm going out knowing what true love really feels like!

-Wow, that was disappointing.

-Yeah.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd