Bills, Bills, Bills with Tracy-Ann Oberman Dick and Dom's Funny Business

It's going to be a great show today, Dom.

Certainly is. We've got some brilliant sketches

from The Three Englishmen, Toby And Their Date With A Zombie,

and not forgetting the Rootin' Tootin' Cowboys.

Oh, yes. And who's this weeks special guest?

Oh, it's only Tracy-Ann Oberman.

Only? Tracy-Ann Oberman?

The star of EastEnders, Doctor Who and MI High?

-Yeah.

-You seem very casual about it.

-No!

Do you, er, do you, er...

Do I what? Oh, do I help the elderly at the weekend?

-Do you, er, do you...

-Do I juice my own oranges?

Do you fancy Tracy-Ann Oberman, by any chance?

Do I fancy Tracy-Ann Oberman?

Yeah, course I do. She's hot stuff.

I even keep a picture of her in my sandwich toaster.

-Yes, now, that is hot.

-Yes, certainly is.

Usually, around this time, the doorbell goes.

DOORBELL RINGS

Followed by post flying through the letterbox.

Well, one out of two's not bad.

What is it?

Oh, just some letters.

A letter from the gas people, electricity people...

-Yes?

-Telephone people, water people...

-Yes?

-Village People, M People...

Oh, look, a peephole.

But what does it say?

It says, "Dear Dick & Dom,

"we will cut off your phones, water, heating and electricity and stuff,

"and evict you

"if you do not pay us all the money you owe in the next 60 minutes.

-"Yours sincerely, etc, etc."

-Give it to me in plain English, will you?

It basically means if we don't pay £53,150.29 for all these bills

within the next hour,

-our Funny Business will be closed down for good.

-I see.

BOTH: Oh, great(!)

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage

your Funny Business hosts,

the one and only Dick and Dom!

Hello! And welcome to Dick And Dom's Funny Business!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is the show that delivers the cream

of the country's up and coming comedy talent

directly to your home.

A bit like a milkman that delivers comedy cream instead of real cream.

-Weird metaphor.

-Yeah, I suppose so.

Coming up on today's show, we have Toby And Their Date With A Zombie.

-Ooh, where's she taking him?

-No, it's the name of the comedy act.

-Oh, I understand.

-And the Rootin' Tootin' Cowboys.

-What, with guns and everything?!

-No, that's the name of the act.

Oh, I understand.

And don't forget our very special guest,

it is the beautiful Tracy-Ann Oberman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, I understand that one,

because Tracy-Ann Oberman is the star of EastEnders, MI High,

and of course, Dr Who.

Yes, the one and only Tracy-Ann Oberman is going to be here.

But time now for our first fantastic comedy act.

They've got a name, you know. They are the brilliant Three Englishmen.

It's strange, really. They're called the Three Englishmen,

but there's actually four of them.

-Yeah, one of them's Dutch.

-Really?

No idea. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the amazing,

if numerically inaccurate, Three Englishmen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, class, settle down.

Settle down, 7B!

My name is Mr Gregory, and I'll be your supply teacher for today,

and we will be learning about chemistry.

-Who can tell me the chemical symbol for Argon?

-Hello, 7B.

I'm very sorry I'm late. My name's Mr Pimms...

-Nobody knows the symbol for Argon?

-Get out your copies of Macbeth.

-Act one, scene one, please.

-No-one?

-Sorry, just one moment, 7B.

-Just one moment, 7B. Hello.

Hi, there. The name's Pimms.

I'm taking 7B for English now.

Right, there's a small problem.

I'm Gregory, the supply teacher. I'm teaching chemistry.

Well, if you could just take your chemicals and potions and go away?

If you could take your literature books and toddle off, yes?

There's only one way to settle this, I'm afraid.

Fine, bring it on.

-You wanted to do this.

-Sorry to have to do this, 7B.

Waste of my time and a waste of yours.

Here we are. Here we are again.

Quite frankly, I don't know why I bother.

-I'm sick of it as well.

-All those years of training.

THEY YELL LIKE ANIMALS

-One thing for it, eh?

-Bring it on.

You're going down.

Bring it on, little man. I can see that scared look in your eyes.

There is no such look.

# Bonkers

# I wake up Every day is a daydream

# Everything in my life ain't what it seems

# I wake up just to go back to sleep

# I act real shallow but I'm in too deep

# And all I care about is ... and ...

# A heavy bass line is my kind of silence

# Everybody says that I've got to get a grip

# But I let sanity give me the slip Bonkers

# Some people think I'm bonkers

# But I just think I'm free

# Man, I'm just living my life

# There's nothing crazy 'bout me

# Some people pay for thrills

# But I get mine for free

# Man, I'm just living my life

# There's nothing crazy 'bout me

# I wake up Every day is a daydream

-# Everything... #

-PHONE RINGS

Hello?

What kind of time do you call this?

-Darling, I'm at work.

-I fed your dinner to the dog.

Not tonight's dinner, no, I didn't bother to make that.

-What has happened to us, Richard?

-Darling, you married a basketball.

Besides, I'm doing all this for you and the kid.

-What did I promise you?

-A better life.

A better life, exactly. That's what you're going to get.

-You've got to believe me, I'm doing all this for you and the baby.

-Baby?

The baby you never ask about. What was today, Richard?

Susie, I've been at work.

The appointment, the appointment at the hospital.

Susie, is it going to be all right?

They don't know. The doctors can't tell me anything.

All I know is he is hideous!

They can do all sorts nowadays.

It's too late for that, Richard. I'm putting him up for adoption.

WINDOW SMASHES

Oh, Susie, Susie, Susie, Susie!

-That hasn't solved anything.

-Sorry, 7B.

-Apologies about that.

-Colossal waste of time, I'm afraid.

-Same old story, nothing changes.

Personally, I think it's the scheduling's fault.

What on earth are we going to do?

Cup of tea in the staff room?

-Class dismissed.

-Off you go.

-Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Dom, are you sure you read that letter right?

OK, it's possible I made a couple of mistakes

whilst reading that letter 642 times! But, yes, I've read the letter right.

If we don't pay, they're going to start cutting off everything.

Everything? They can't do that. They can't cut off my fingers.

I've just had a manicure!

No, I mean everything as in the bills,

electricity, gas, heating, you know?

Oh, great. He's in a manicure trance.

AIR HORN BLARES

CYMBALS CLAP

Aaagh!

Anyway, sounds like we're in real trouble with all these bills.

I know. There must be some kind of mistake, cos you took the money

we saved to the bank and you paid all the bills, right? Didn't you?

Are you doing that thing

where you ignore a situation and hopefully it goes away?

It's not working, is it?

No, it's not!

Just tell me that you used the money to pay the bills.

-I used the money to pay the bills.

-You didn't, did you?

No. I was going to. It's just that when I was walking down the road,

I saw a few things in the shop windows that I'd like to buy...

What? Without your window blinkers?

You should always wear your window blinkers!

Remember when you walked past that ballet costume shop?

Oh, yes, I forgot.

You just walk past and buy anything! How much did you spend? Hit me.

Thanks. Go on, then, how much?

-Well, sort of, almost, nearly, precisely all of it.

-Oh, no.

-But I did get some fantastic props for the end of the show.

-Props?

You got some props? Oh, brilliant(!)

Go on, then, hit me. What did you get?

I'd rather show them to you, because if I read them out

they sounds like a load of rubbish. I've got them just over here.

I'll show you what I've got.

I've got a scale model of the Blackpool Tower!

Got this stag's head!

I've got this prawn costume!

And this six-foot cotton bud!

How are you feeling?

Sad? Mad?

It's hard to tell right now.

Dom, come on, you know I hate it

when you hide your emotions from me. Tell me how you're feeling.

You're happy, aren't you? Yes, I can tell.

Oh! All right, guys!

Yeah. Good, thanks. What's that you've got there?

Oh, this is a six-foot cotton bud.

That's, er, nice.

And it's mine.

Yeah, when he says it's his, just ignore him, it means it's a prop.

-Oh, cool. Let's have a look.

-No, no, no!

If you just go into your dressing rooms, that'll be great.

Lovely show, well done. Lovely heads. Off you go. Bye-bye.

-What is wrong with you?

-Diagnosed or suspected?

-No!

You've spent all of this money that's meant to be ours to pay the bills!

-Where did you get all this rubbish?

-Calm down, Princess!

There's this fabulous little boutique round the corner

that sells lots of unrelated bits and bobs.

Oh, yes. The kind of shop that goes bankrupt because it sells

-overpriced stuff that nobody actually wants?

-Yes.

It's called Le Tutt. It's Italian, very exclusive.

I bet it's exclusive, cos you're their only customer.

Take all this stuff back to the shop.

-I can't.

-Why?

-The shop closed down.

-What?

-After I left,

the owners went running off cheering like they'd won the lottery.

I bet they did! What are we supposed to do now?

We can't pay any of our bills.

Hang on. The money for the acts?

-You didn't spend that in Le Tutt, did you?

-No, don't be silly.

-I used that to pay my parking fines.

-What? You don't even drive!

That's why my car's got so many fines.

It's been sitting there for three years.

At least the money for this week's special guest is safe, right?

-Not exactly.

-Not exactly... Not exactly?!

Let's just say I invested it on the sock market.

Oh, the stock market...

No, the sock market. I went to the market and bought loads of socks.

Patterns on and everything.

We can't pay this week's special guest!

We can't even pay Tracy-Ann Oberman!

Look, look, look! I wouldn't worry, mate. She won't be here for ages.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be her! Hang on a minute.

-Lovely.

-What is that smell?

Aftershave.

-Smells like Ann Widdecombe's...

-DOORBELL RINGS

Right. I'll get the door, you stay here.

Do not mention the money! OK?

Yeah.

Hello, boys!

It's only this week's special guest, Tracy-Ann Oberman!

-Hi, Tracy!

-Hi, Dick, hi, Dom.

Sorry I'm late. I just saw the gas man tinkering with your meter.

There's not a problem, is there?

-Funny you should say that...

-No, no, no.

Everything's cool.

Why don't you come and sit down?

It's going to get very cool in a minute. I don't mean to be a diva,

but I can't work in such cold conditions, and it's... Oh!

If I just hold you like this, I can maybe keep you warm,

until the heating comes back on.

-Or I can just put my coat on.

-Yes, get off.

-Just keep your coat on.

-Yes, that's what I'll do.

I'm going to wait in my dressing room till it warms up a bit.

Call me out and we can discuss the finale.

Yes. Will do, Tracy.

-It smells like Ann Widdecombe's...

-PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Smooth, mate.

I was just trying keep her warm.

-Course you were.

-I don't see you coming up with any bright ideas.

This place will be like a freezer by the time we get to the finale.

Look, do not worry. I caused this problem in the first place,

and I absolutely will not rest until I've sorted it all out

and paid all the bills off.

Now, shall we put the telly on?

Hang on. I've got a better idea.

Why don't we read the History Of Funny Business?

Not only is it entertaining, but great research for our show.

All right.

Aaagh!

Oh! Aah! Aah!

In your own time, mate!

Ah, here we are. Lovely.

Ah, yes.

Until now, it was thought that only men and infants

were capable of laughing,

though new research suggests that women and indeed dentists

may too be able to enjoy this emotional response.

They say laughter is the best form of medicine,

and in the right circumstances,

slapstick comedy can be just what the doctor ordered.

Historically speaking, the banana is not as fashionable as say,

the papaya or the trendy melon,

but it remains the fruit of choice for the slapstick comedian.

The banana's naturally mischievous skin

is the ideal folly for any unsuspecting fool

who may tread on it.

Remember - the power of the joke

is relative to the situation.

A slip when walking in the park isn't half as effective as a slip

whilst carrying a bowl of piping hot soup.

Let's have a look, shall we?

Don't forget to TRIP your waiter, hey? Ha-ha! Top stuff.

How about THIS, though...?

GORILLA ROARS

Oh, dear - it seems mountain gorillas don't find banana wastage

quite as funny as we humans.

It will be hours before he tires himself out.

It looks like you've got the banana business down to a T.

Why not mix things up a little?

Oh, my!

Now, that's a hoot. Poor subject B!

I don't think this is what he had in mind

when they told him to "break a leg".

Good work, chaps. You've demonstrated the premise

of the banana slip in fine fashion.

I think we are done for today.

Oh, dear - someone still smells of bananas.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DOM SHIVERS Oh...

Phwoar! I've er...

j-j-just been to ch-check on this week's special guest,

Tracy-Ann Oberman.

-Oh, yeah? How is she?

-How is she?

Gorgeous. Sophisticated. Intelligent...

No, I mean - how's she getting on with the cold?

Oh. Not so great since the heating was turned off. It's freezing.

I know, I know. But at least those socks I bought

are coming in right handy... and left handy.

What would be more handy is if we had the money you SPENT on them.

Seriously - if we don't pay all those bills that we owe,

we'll be in serious trouble.

Yes - we will be chucked out of the theatre,

and this show will be cancelled forever.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Blimey. I hope Tracy-Ann's OK.

I'm just going to go and check on her.

Leave her alone for two minutes. Anyone would think you fancy her.

Ha-ha-ha(!)

Imagine that though, eh? Imagine that.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Who's that?

-Probably someone that wants paying.

I'll get it.

Hi, guys!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's Kelly-Anne Manhattan,

the gorgeous but ditzy daughter of the owner of the theatre!

(She's got the hots for me, it's a nightmare.)

Hi, Dom! Hi, Dan.

-It's Dick.

-No, I'm Kelly-Anne, silly! Remember?

Would you guys help me out of my winter coat and

-matching accessories?

-BOTH: Yeah.

Oh, thank you, that's so sweet of you.

I'm wearing mittens, and my fingers are numb from the cold.

So even if I got my mittens off,

my hands would need five or ten minutes to warm up

until I had enough feeling in them.

Although I'm sure if I was watching this show

I'd be clapping quite a lot, so my hands would warm up.

But I didn't buy a ticket.

Not that I wouldn't buy a ticket! I love you guys, and your show -

I think you're amazing and so funny. But you know what they say...

-About what?

-I have no idea.

-Right!

Would you help me put my winter coat and matching accessories back on?

-It's so cold in here!

-Oh...

-Yes...

Thank you. I really appreciate that, it's so sweet.

-I'd do it myself - but...

-I know, yes, yes, yes -

your hands are numb from the cold.

Yes, that's exactly right! How did you know that?

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

Okey-dokey - it was so nice to see you guys. We'll catch up soon!

-Wait! Kelly-Anne...

-Yes?

Did you actually want anything?

Er...

Oh, yeah! Silly me! Please,

oh, please, oh, PLEASE...can I be in the finale at the end of the show?

If we say yes, will you go away?

-Of course!

-BOTH: Yes!

Oh, thank you so much! You'll not regret this at all.

-I'll see you later.

-Bye.

-Bye, Dom. Bye, Dan.

-It's Dick...

-Oh - I just remembered what they say!

-What?!

-Cold hands, warm heart. See ya!

Yeah, bye! Oh...

She does my flippin' head in!

She's so into me, it's embarrassing.

COMPUTER BEEPS

-Oh - we've got an email.

-What is it?

It's a letter that's sent through the computer.

Yeah, yeah, OK - who's it from?

Have a look. Press that...

Oh! It's from them wannabe wrestlers, the Devastation Brothers.

The guys who want to rip out our spleen and trample on our faces?

-That's the ones.

-Yeah. Lovely guys!

-BOTH:

-The Devastation Brothers!

I...am Butch "The Rage" Hardcastle.

And I'm Randy Hammerhead, formerly known as Ian.

-BOTH:

-The Devastation Brothers!

THEY SNARL VICIOUSLY

Finally, we get to prove to the world that it is us and

not Dick and Dom who are the world's greatest double act.

Although they are very, very funny.

Sshh, Ian. So straight after we've made this

video and Mum's put the camera down, she's driving us to the airport.

Bagsy first seat!

You always get first seat!

That's cos I'm Mum's favourite.

So watch out, Dick and Dom.

Cos we're really coming for you!

Yeah! It's really happening!

We're going to do it! We're coming to London!

-We're coming!

-Devastation!

-Randy, calm down.

-Devastation!

-Randy.

Calm down.

Devastation! Devastation!

Mum?

Randy, you knocked out Mum. How will we get to the airport?

-It's OK, I've got an idea.

-What are you doing?

I'm just borrowing some money from Mum's purse.

-We can get a taxi to the airport.

-Why are you taking her lipstick?

No reason.

Let's do it! Devastation!

Devastation! Bye, Mum.

See you, Mum.

By the way, it was Randy who wet the bed, not me. Cut.

Whatever.

Is everyone having a good time?

I think that's a "yes". Well, not for long. Finley Mclintock?

-Yep, that's me.

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Your mum's just called in and apparently your dog's dead.

Sorry to be the bearers of bad news but we won't harp on about it.

-Trapped under a car, it says here.

-That's probably enough detail,

-Dom.

-Shall we mention the bit about the lawnmower?

Probably not. It's horrible.

But hopefully everybody else is

still having a good time, so let's keep going!

Enough about dead dogs! Let's crack on with an actual dead person!

Please put your hands together, ideally more than once,

for the fantastic Toby and their Date With A Zombie.

Well, what a lovely place!

I'd have never have found it, but then I don't

normally come to the graveyard.

Oh, thank you.

Are they...roses...?

Oh yes, my favourite.

You know, I do get terribly nervous about coming on these blind dates.

You never know who's going to turn up.

Shall we order?

Oh, I can't quite read this...

It appears to be written in blood.

Eurggghhhh.

Yes, I'll have what he's having.

So tell me about yourself.

What do you like?

Music? Cooking?

Seen any good films recently?

-Eurrrgghhh.

-Yeah, there's not much on at the moment, is there.

My last date took me to a horror

film but I must admit, I'm not much of a fan.

Oh, you've dropped something.

I've got it.

I knew you had your eye on me.

Oh. This looks...delicious.

I'd love to dance.

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry! I'm so clumsy.

I've probably got a plaster in my bag.

Oh goodness, sorry. On my goodness.

Would you mind holding that? It's at the bottom. Oh, dear.

Goodness. Sorry! Sorry!

Hold that a minute... Oh, dear.

Sorry. Sorry.

-Goodness...

-Argh!

Was it something I said?

Absolutely fantastic. Still to come, the Rootin' Tootin' Cowboys and our

very beautiful special guest, Miss Tracy-Ann Oberman.

And if you fancy an ice-cream, our lovely usherettes, Betty and

Betty, can be found in the foyer.

We'll see you after the interval.

Oh, look to, here they are.

Oh, it's hot in here today. I tell you what, I'm burning up.

But you, Betty, you look

like an Eskimo that's given you the cold shoulder. What's your secret?

Well, I keep a couple of these in my armpits.

Oh, they've melted, eugh...

Yeah, it's all right. Don't worry. I'll sell them as milkshakes.

Oh, and I tell you what, I've got a secret too. About Bob.

-Yeah?

-Well, between us girls, you know, I don't want that

Tracy-Ann Oberman overhearing us.

-Yeah?

-You'll never guess what.

What? You haven't!

-I might have.

-You haven't!

-I have.

-What, you kissed Bob?

-I have, yeah.

-Muscles like a racehorse.

-He hasn't!

-He has.

-He hasn't!

-He has.

-He hasn't.

-Yeah.

-He hasn't.

-He has.

-He hasn't.

-He has.

-He hasn't.

-He has.

-He hasn't.

-He has.

-He hasn't.

He has, he won the 5.15 at Ascot with a jockey on his back.

-I remember romance.

-Oh, when you met your Barry.

Picture the scene. It were Barnsley town square.

Our eyes met across a smoke-filled chippy.

He looked at me with his one good eye

and he winked. Or it could have been a blink. Could have been either.

We glided towards each other, across the floor.

It were like Torvill and Dean, on t'dripping.

He slipped and burnt his hand on me rissole.

I knew love would never be the same again.

-I told you not to marry him.

-But I love him.

-I know you do, Betty.

-Oi, you!

You horrible little monster! Get your hand off them curtains

or I'll drag you outside by the winkles

and put you by the bins with the rats!

Oh, love kids, me.

Cheeky little monkeys!

Eh-up, here they come, the great unwashed.

Oh, me lippy! Check me lippy, love!

Yeah, you have missed a bit there.

Very discreet.

Thanks, Betty, love.

Choc-ice! Lollies! Handbags!

Where is Dom when I need him? Dom? Dom?

Ah, there you are.

Jeez, what is that on your arm?

Dom? Dom?

Dom? Dom?

-Dom?

-Dom? Dom?

You are absolutely hilarious.

I must tell you, last night, I had the most fantastic dream.

Go on.

I dreamt I met the man of my dreams.

Well, I mean, thing is, technically, you were dreaming,

-so any man that was in your dreams is going to be the man...

-Shut up.

Go on, what was he like?

Well, he wasn't tall.

But he was very cute.

Cute? I'll take that one.

-He was a brilliant presenter.

-Brilliant presenter? I bet he was.

He was part of an award-winning double act.

Double Bafta award-winning.

-What was his name?

-Oh, I can't. It's just too embarrassing.

Oh, go on, Tracy-Ann, you can tell me. What's his name?

Well, it was... Dick.

What?!

-I... I was hoping that you could, like, introduce us?

-No.

No. NO-O-O-O!

You can't have him!

Look, you were dreaming.

Yes. Yes, I was, wasn't I?

Look, where have you been, and what is that on your arm?

Oh, this? Oh...

I thought seeing as we're skint, I'd get a job down the farm.

-Doing what?

-You don't want to know.

Anyway, I've got an idea about the bills.

I've just remembered, my Uncle Monty is a multi-billionaire.

I'll give him a call and he will pay all the bills off

-without even blinking.

-Brilliant idea.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

-Oh, I don't believe it!

-Good news?

-No, they've cut all the phones off.

-Bad news.

-Yeah.

'Will all patrons please return to their seats.

'Part two of today's show is about to commence.'

Come on, it's time to start part two.

Now then, ladies and gentlemen, do we have a treat for you!

What are you asking them for? Read your script.

Yes, yes. Very good.

Ah, yes, excellent. It turns out

we have got a treat for you, which must come as quite a relief.

Yes, and what a treat it is. After all, who doesn't love a cowboy?

-Native Americans?

-Good point.

Way to kill the mood.

-Sorry.

-Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Rootin' Tootin' Cowboys.

-Say there, Bud.

-What's that there, Bud?

Sure does get rootin' tootin', cotton pickin' lonesome out here

on the plain.

Sure does get rootin' tootin', cotton pickin', high-falutin,

gut bustin' lonesome out here on the plain.

Sure does. Say, why don't you play us a rootin' tootin',

cotton pickin', high-falutin, foot tappin', upliftin', smile-inducin'

cowboy song on the guitar there, just to lift our spirits?

Well, being as you put it like that, I will! Yee-ha!

# Woah, woah!

# Woah-oh!

# Woah-oh!

# You say you love me... #

Woah! Woah! Woah! Hold it, hold it!

-What's that there, Bud?

-What in the name of Jim Jam Johnny's

underpants was that rootin' tootin', cotton pickin',

high-falutin, ear-bustin', high pitchin', girly-soundin'

tune you just played on the guitar? Boy, that ain't no cowboy music.

Well, that there's a tune I done picked up from a friend of mine,

a fella who rides by the name of Justin Bieber.

-Justin Bieber?

-The very same.

-The swoopy haired teenage pop sensation?

-That's the fella.

He's a close personal friend of yours?

He sure is the King of the Pops.

Well, it's only my opinion, but I think there's only two kinds

of music, and that's country and western.

And that weren't country nor western, so I don't like it.

Well, how would you describe, then, country and western?

Country and western music, how would I describe it? Easy. Here goes.

Country and western music, in my opinion, is rootin' tootin',

cotton pickin', high-falutin, foot-tappin', square dancin',

do-si-do-in', thigh-slappin', heel-clickin',

cattle rustlin', rodeo ridin', hoedown-in', Johnny Cash-in',

clip clipitty clop of a horsey-in', mountain roamin', cattle herdin',

Stetson stonkin', fireside fartin',

slide guitarin', finger pickin', spittoon ringin'...

DING! ..ding-dingin' kind of sound

that I like. Yee-ha!

That's the only kind of music a cowboy should be listening to.

What do you have to say about that?

Well, that sure is a mighty fine

-string of adjectives you done strung together.

-Well, thank you very much.

-Complete with sound effects and all.

-Liked that sound effect, did you?

-I sure do.

-Why don't you give it a try?

-May I?

You can try.

-Give it a go, see what happens.

-Well, I will.

Not as easy as it looks, is it?

No.

-Well, getting back to Justin Bieber.

-Yup?

-I would describe...

-DING!

I would describe Justin Bieber

as one rootin' tootin', cotton pickin', high-falutin,

internet stormin', Baby Baby-in', First Love bemoanin',

Usher impressin', house wreckin', Ludakris-featurin',

one time, one time, one time-in', never say never sayin',

Karate Kid theme tune singin', instrumentalisin', slick dancin',

groovin', movin', eenie meenie minie mo-in', mini-golf aggressin',

anti-bully campaignin', concert cancellin', platinum-sellin',

memoir publishin', First Step To Forever-isin', R'n'B wobblin',

X Factor dazzlin', Cheryl Cole courtin', teenage King of the Pops.

Thank you very much.

Well, Sam, diggity-doo dong day do!

Seeing as how you describe him

like that, I might just be coming round to the freaky little fella.

-Play on, Bud, play on.

-I will!

# Oh, woah!

-# You say you want me

-You say you want me

-# You know you care

-You know you care...

-Yee-ha!

Justin Bieber, who'd have thunk it?

What is going on? I mean, I'm absolutely freezing,

the water doesn't work in my room and what is that on your hand?

-He got himself a part-time job.

-Doing what?

-You don't want to know.

I tried to turn the shower on in my room.

The water didn't come out. Is there a problem?

-Oh, no, they've turned the water off as well.

-What?

-Nothing. It's, um, an eco thing.

-What?

Our way of doing our bit for the environment by not having

any heating or hot water throughout the day.

But you're practically freezing to death.

And going by your odour, Dom, you haven't washed in days.

-Oh, no, that's his aftershave.

-It's not! We're both filthy and frozen.

But now, we have got a smaller carbon footprint.

Somewhere... in the distant forest...

a tiny baby panda bear is sitting in a tree saying,

"Thanks, Dick and Dom, your selfless behaviour has really saved my bacon."

-Bamboo. They don't eat bacon.

-Bamboo.

We're just doing our bit, Tracy.

Do we really need the heating on when several thermal layers

and 90 pairs of socks will suffice?

Do we really need another hot shower?

Can we not just live without a little luxury for the sake

of the baby panda bears?!

No, I suppose we can.

Do you know, caring for the environment

-is an incredibly attractive quality in a man.

-It is?

Oh, just a shame about the smell.

-I'm going to be in my dressing room.

-Yes. OK.

Good work, little fella. I suppose we are doing our bit

-for the environment after all.

-Yes.

And we'll be doing our bit for street theatre

if we don't pay any bills in the next 15 minutes.

Oh, yes. This is almost as bad as that time

we bought that television that randomly turns itself on.

There it goes again, look.

Oh, what lovely thick hair you've got.

-Thank you.

-It's in such good condition.

-Thank you, thank you.

That feels good, yeah.

It's so thick and plush and lustrous and silky. Runs through your fingers.

No knots. It's fierce. I tell you what, there's hardly any point

-in conditioning it, but I'm going to.

-Oh, thank you. You go on, do.

-It's like a well groomed Afghan hound.

-Am I worth it?

You're definitely worth it.

I tell you what, it's like a forest. A meadow in the height of spring.

A deep forest of kelp, all wavy in the ocean swirl.

What are you going to have done

to this thick and lustrous head of hair today?

Well, I'm thinking of having it cut in, just to add a bit of volume.

-Yeah.

-And then layered.

And maybe feathered.

Oh, well, that's you done.

-There you go.

-Thank you, thank you.

Oh, what a lovely thick head of hair you've got.

So thick and full of body.

It's like a lamb's fleece, right in the spring,

just towards the end of autumn, when it's at its most fluffy.

It's like a lion's mane.

I've never seen or felt such thick and rich and voluminous...

PHONE RINGING

Hello, Baldilocks, hairdressers for the bald?

Nicky, Terry Wogan for Wednesday?

Now then, settle down.

As you know, this is one of the most difficult badges to get.

So, on to the all-important taste test.

Good luck, Hawkins.

Oh, dear, Hawkins.

A little on the weak side.

-Oh.

-I'm afraid I'm going to have to hold back

-your "making my tea" badge.

-Oh!

It's not so bad, Hawkins.

You've got your "making me a coffee" badge. You're nearly there.

But am I? Surely this is enough badges to become a Scout?

I am 40 after all, sir. I was talking to my wife recently, and...

A boy of your age, Hawkins, has no need for a wife.

She thinks I'll never become a Scout.

You can't leave the Cubs. You haven't got your raft-building badge.

You mean that raft I built for you, that's moored in San Tropez, sir?

What about your music badge? You can't leave without your music badge.

Remember, I recorded you that album that went double platinum.

Anyway, it's not just that.

My wife, she says I'm easily led.

-Follow me.

-Yes, sir.

What about your temporary shelter building badge?

You can't leave the Cub Scouts without that, Hawkins.

Yes, you live in it now, sir. It's your house.

-Yes.

-Don't you remember, just after that,

I got my building your conservatory badge, sir?

And your rocket science badge, Hawkins.

-You can't leave the Cubs without that.

-Yes, sir.

Cripes, Hawkins!

You said if I got my rocket science badge, sir, then

maybe I could forgo some of the other badges, like tea-making, sir.

Yes, yes. Well.

Seems there's only one thing for it. To award you your one final badge,

-rocket science.

-Oh, thank you, Akela!

Once we see that this rocket of yours, or should I say mine, works.

Oh, it will, sir.

What I want you to do, Hawkins, is fly to the moon of Pandora,

out in the Alpha Centauri system.

There, I want you to set up an unobtainium mine.

Make sure the mine legally belongs to me.

Then, when you return to Earth, and I rule the universe, Hawkins,

then and only then, you shall have your final badge.

-But, sir...

-You do want your rocket science badge, don't you, Hawkins?

-Yes, sir.

-I thought so.

Off you pop then, Hawkins.

Go on, boy.

Good boy.

Dick, Dom, what's going on?

They're not even here. Is there a problem?

What is this?

It says, "Dear Dick and Dom, we'll cut off all your phones, water,

"heating and electricity and stuff and evict you,

"if you do not pay us all the money you owe in the next 60 minutes.

"Yours sincerely, etc, etc."

No, I'm sorry, I don't care, it'll make a rubbish film.

Look, it'll be great. A giant prawn attacks Blackpool Tower

with a six-foot cotton bud. It'll be a big hit

and we'll get the money to pay the bills.

Oh, hi, Tracy.

Just getting some props together for the end of the show, you know.

It's going to be a great film.

It's called The Prawn Identity.

How dare you let all these wonderful acts on your show when you know

that you can't even afford to pay them?

No, no, no. That's not true...

ALL TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER

SHOUTS: Will you just shut up?

We're trying to find a way of paying you, OK?

Now get out.

THEY MUTTER

-It's terrible.

-Calm down, Princess.

And you, Dom. Yes, you. I'm really disappointed in you.

All that caring talk about the environment.

I was actually starting to find you quite enticing.

-Really?

-No. But I was really looking forward to doing

the finale, whereas now, I'm leaving.

BOTH GASP

Tracy-Ann Oberman!

Kelly-Ann! oh, is it you?

OMG! My BFF!

I thought you were on Broadway.

-I'm not.

-So I see.

-So I see.

BOTH SQUEAL

Wait, hold on. Do you know each other?

Uh... Duh!

Does this mean you'll be in this week's finale? That is so exciting.

No, Kelly-Ann, I'm afraid I'm going to be leaving.

You'll be doing the finale on your own.

DOORBELL RINGS

It's more bad news, I'm afraid.

There's not going to be a finale.

"Free bottle of cola with every large pizza." That's not bad!

Not that! This.

"You are evicted. Get out now." Oh, yeah, that is bad news.

What's that? But don't tell me, because I already know.

It is Le Grand Tower by little-known sculptor and eater of terrible things

other people in Europe would never eat, Frenchman, Patrice Latisse.

I'll tell you what, you can have it. Let's go.

No, I couldn't accept such a gift. It's worth a fortune.

I want to accept it,

more than I wanted to eat a fourth bowl of trifle this morning -

I wanted it so badly I had to slam my tongue in the fridge door

until it went numb so I couldn't taste that delicious cream...

Hold on a minute. Did you say all this lot's worth a fortune?

Oh, sure. But not as much as that antique stag head

I saw you with and that giant cotton bud by Damien Hirst.

You guys have so much nice stuff.

-But how much is it worth?

-Well, let me see.

14,000, plus 51, plus 40, carry my one and that equals...

-We're saved.

-If only the people in the banks accepted all these

-props as currency.

-What?

-No. We sell the stuff, then pay the banks.

-Oh, yes, we're saved!

Well, Dom. It looks like you've landed on your feet.

How about you sweeping me off mine?

I'd love to but it's time for this week's finale.

But what is this week's finale?

We don't know.

Come on, everyone out, come on, let's go.

Right, you stupid prawn.

Through here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much. Well, my old friend,

I think it's time to draw the curtain on another fantastic show.

-It's already drawn, so what's the point?

-OK.

It's time to watch another show sail into the showbiz sunset.

I'm not doing the cruise ships again.

-You know what happened last time.

-OK.

It's the end of the show. I'm trying to be professional!

In that case, can you please put your hands together

and repeat the process, as we welcome back

this week's special guest star,

showbusiness' very own Tracy-Ann Oberman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oi!

Oh, she's over there. Tracy, thank you very much.

It's an honour to have you here.

It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you.

Lovely. You're in two of my favourite TV programmes -

Doctor Who, EastEnders. Do you pick these shows

-because the theme tunes are cool?

-What?

-What?

You know, Doctor Who and EastEnders, both great theme tunes.

Doctor Who goes...

-# Squiddly-do, squiddly-do... #

-Ooh, eeh-ooh! #

-Stop!

-And EastEnders is... # Ra-da da-da da-da da-da... #

I think you're doing the wrong theme.

That's I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

Were you in that? I think I remember. Christopher Biggins.

No, the other one! Who ate the kangaroo's...you know...

No, I mean the theme tune. I mean you're doing the wrong theme tune.

The theme to I'm A Celebrity goes...

# Duh-da-duh... #

-Doesn't it?

-Oh, yeah.

-Whereas EastEnders goes...

# Doof, doof, doof Da-da-da-da doof... #

-Yeah!

-Is there no end to her talents?

-Fantastic.

-I get it now. It's very complicated.

There is no end to your talents, Tracy-Ann Oberman, but...

we'll find out more because the show must go on.

Fine by me. What's the plan?

Good job you asked. There is no plan.

It's all made up. Better still, it's all about you.

Yeah, so please give a huge Tracy-Ann Oberman-shaped welcome

to our house band, straight out of Dublin. It's Abandoman.

Hello! Hello, hello.

Yes, this is improvisational rap extraordinaires Abandoman.

We have James on the guitar and this is Rob on the mic.

When you give them words, subjects or phrases, they'll magically

-include them in their rap.

-Yeah, it's great.

-Tracy-Ann, today's big finale rap is all about you.

-Wow!

-What do we do first?

-We're going to ask Tracy-Ann a simple question.

Tracy-Ann, you starred in MI High, a brilliant show about spies.

In the show there is a character called Frank London.

He was known for making inventions like the Enormosizer,

which made things huge.

What I'd like you to do is to tell us, if you were to create

an invention, what would it be?

Something ridiculous. Something like a hat that allows you

to read people's thoughts.

Or rockets on your shoes to allow yourself to propel

through the city. What would you create?

I would create a mirror so that when you looked into it, you would have a

-complete makeover, exactly as you imagined in your head.

-Excellent.

OK, do we like this suggestion?

CHEERING

OK, very nice. A makeover so you could look like anything.

Frankenstein, like a vampire, like a celebrity that you like.

Absolutely brilliant.

We're going to use this for our song, but before we do,

we're going to ask you, the lovely people here, for some words

that we have to use in this song.

Dick is going to wander up here and collect words from you.

If you have got a word - not a short word like cat - a long word

like encyclopaedia or antelope.

If you've got a word, put your hand in the air. Lovely.

OK, let's get the first word, and Tracy-Ann is going to write it down.

-Go ahead.

-Stand up.

-What's your name?

-Jake.

-And what's your word?

-Anti-disestablishmentarianism.

-Anti-disestablishmentarianism.

Jake, may I say that is the greatest word we have ever had.

Give Jake a round of applause.

-Who, may I ask, are you?

-Ian.

-What's your word?

-Cosmetic.

Cosmetic, brilliant, lovely. Let's get another.

You, stand up. What's your name?

-David.

-David. What's your word?

-Milk.

-Milk.

Well done, David. One more and then we'll get a few more questions.

Specific questions.

We'll go here. You'll do. You look good. What's your name?

-Aiden.

-What's your word?

-Monkey.

-Monkey, brilliant.

We've got some random words. Brilliant.

Now we'll get some words that are specific to the wonderful Tracy-Ann.

Tracy-Ann starred in Doctor Who

about a man who travels through time.

If you were to travel into the past,

who's someone you'd like to meet, like Cleopatra or Julius Caesar?

What's your word, what's your famous character?

-Anne Boleyn.

-Anne Boleyn, absolutely beautiful.

Now, Tracy-Ann also starred in MI High, a show about spies.

If you've got an idea of something a spy would bring with them

when they go on holidays, put your hand in the air and tell us.

-What's your name?

-Matthew.

-Something a spy would bring with them?

-A penknife.

Absolutely brilliant. Last one.

Tracy-Ann starred in EastEnders, a show that was set in the East End

of London. Where is somewhere unusual to have a soap opera?

Somewhere like a spaceship, or a badger's burrow, or a hat.

I like your top at the back. Stand up. Lovely.

-Zebra. What's your name?

-Lucy.

-Somewhere unusual for a soap opera?

-A field.

Brilliant. Give Lucy a round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, may I say, you have been absolutely brilliant.

However, there is one bonus question.

Tracy-Ann, you will answer this. Only you can answer this.

We are not going to see it. It's on a special gold card.

Tracy-Ann, if you were to name your special makeover mirror,

what would it be called? She's going to write it down there.

Now, we're going to perform a song.

We have to use every one of your words.

When we use one of the words, you give us a cheer

like this. One, two, three...

CHEERING

Absolutely lovely.

-I think we are ready to do this song.

-Not quite. Sorry, Rob.

We promised Kelly-Ann, the glamorous and ditsy daughter of the owner

owner of this establishment, a part in the finale.

-The more the merrier.

-Lovely. Kelly-Ann.

CHEERING

-Kelly-Ann, are you musical?

-I think so, but I'm not

entirely sure because...

We'll take that as a no. That's why we're giving you

something special to finish this week's show in your own special way.

Yes, absolutely. This week, your special musical instrument

-to play at the end of the show is... a cheap toy xylophone.

-I love it.

Good. Of course. I'm going to be holding the whole thing

together in the rhythm section over there on my drum kit.

Very nice. Ladies and gentlemen, this is an improvised song.

We have to use the words that you have given us.

It is about the suggestion from the wonderful Tracy-Ann -

a mirror that when you look into it gives you any makeover

you would like. Ladies and gentlemen, can we get a whoop?

Can we get cheer?

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a song about the makeover mirror.

Please make some noise, make some noise.

Every word has to go in the rhyme.

Every word has to go in the rhyme.

# Magic mirror See reflections of your face

# Magic mirror You can watch it change

RAPS: # OK, OK, OK, listen now, here it goes

# You see, you put on the make-up, it's game over

# Everybody's saying, how do I get a makeover?

# How can my face possibly look better?

# What I'm saying is you need a magical mirror

# Listen, I'm saying that this is real

# You can buy it anywhere Even in a field...

CHEERING

# That's right, when you look in You will see

# Something that is Yep, a new beauty

# You know, I'm saying that would be so nice

# It'll be the opposite of using a penknife...

CHEERING

# It'll be better than that You know you will be famous

# Think of it It comes in make-up

# You know, listen Take it on the chin

# You look beautiful like, I don't know, Anne Boleyn...

CHEERING

# That's how we do That's what we see

# With this mirror You're going to get beauty

# I'm saying that you can look lovely

# It's Halloween Just think about it

-# You can become a monkey That's right...

-CHEERING

# You're a bit of an imp but when you look into the mirror

# You're a bit of a chimp

# I'm saying with this that I'm skilled

# You can be something ridiculous like a carton of milk

CHEERING

# Anything you like Just think about it

# And you'll transform No doubt about it

# It's a mirror from Tracy-Ann You've got to get it

-# It does stuff with your face that is cosmetic

-CHEERING

# That's how we play You know that it's crazy

# Sold every day, see, by Tracy

# You know, I'm saying, listen, it's a vision

# Of anti-disestablishmentarianism

CHEERING

# That's right, you know it's happened then

# It's anti-disestablishment

# I'm saying that it's going to be clean

# It's basically a mirror that's starting to Rage Against the Machine

# But I'm saying that's right This one will be better

# It's simply called Magi-your-mirror

# Magi-your-mirror

# Magi-your-mirror

# Oh, Magi-your-mirror

# Yes, it's called Magi-your-mirror

-# Magi-your-mirror

-Everyone!

-# Magi-your-mirror

-Sing it back!

# Magi-your-mirror

# It's called Magi-your-mirror. #

Yes!

Very nice. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please

put your hands together for James and Rob - they are Abandoman.

Fantastic. That's all the funny business

we've got time for, so please thank this week's amazing cast.

The Three Englishmen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Toby!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The Rootin' Tootin' Cowboys!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The fantastic and gorgeous and slightly ditzy Kelly-Ann Manhattan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And this week's special guest star, the amazing Tracy-Ann Oberman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-We've been Dick and Dom.

-And this has been our Funny Business.

See you next time. Bye-bye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

How come it's still cold?

I turned the heating off, for the environment and all that.

Oh, yeah. What a great show, eh?

Oh, yes. We had the Three Englishmen,

the Rootin' Tootin' Cowboys, Toby in A Date With A Zombie. Brilliant.

Hey, Tracy-Ann Oberman has to be one of my favourite guests so far.

-You always say that.

-Yeah, well. I think we did a good job, considering

-we nearly got shut down.

-Yes. And look at the wonga we made

from that priceless junk I sold.

You can get that handbag you wanted.

What? Shut up!

Wait a minute. What's this?

Scented.

Smells of feet.

Oh. From Tracy-Ann Oberman.

Good news?

Dear Dick and Dom...

It's her bill!

BOTH: Oh, great(!)