Dixie and Dom with Steve Furst Dick and Dom's Funny Business

-Right, is everything ready? Are the audience in?

-Check.

All the comedy acts booked?

-Check.

-And our special star guest, the amazing comedian and slap-head

-extraordinaire, Steve Furst, on his way?

-Check.

-Oh and how are you paying him?

-Cheque.

-Wahey! Very good.

-We're all good to go.

-And not a moment too soon.

DOORBELL RINGS What's that?

That's weird. It smells of knitting and cat biscuits.

-What is it?

-It's for you.

Give it here.

Oh, no!

Oh, no. No, no. No!

NOOOOOO!

-Good news?

-No, it's the worst news ever.

-Me Nan's coming to stay.

-What's so bad about that?

-Well, she's very...

-Old-fashioned. And I suppose I've just told her a few lies along the way.

-Like what?

-Well, you see that I'm...

-Ill?

-No that I'm...

-Dead?

No, no, no, that I'm...

Married!

YEAH!

Great(!)

Ladies and gentlemen, on today's show - Idiots of Ance.

Thankless Child.

The Penny Dreadfuls.

Abandonman.

And our special guest star Steve Furst.

But now, please welcome to the stage your Funny Business hosts,

the one, the only Dick and Dom.

Hello ladies and gents, so good to have you back for another Dick and Dom's Funny Business.

CHEERING

Each week we guarantee - and by that we don't mean an actual guarantee -

to introduce you to literally the funniest comedians in the universe.

Hoy-ya! Whoa!

Ah. Right put that on.

No.

-I don't want to.

-Go on. Give it a go.

Look stop it, I don't want to wear a stupid shiny '70s top hat.

I know what you're doing

-and it's not going to work.

-So what am I trying to do?

You're trying to turn me into your old showbiz partner, Jeff Starlight.

You've got to let it go. He was a nice guy, but the act, it just didn't work, all right?

Well that's charming. A hard-working man gets cannonballed into

a tank full of sharks and you just stand there saying it didn't work.

It worked once, but he was never really the same after that, was he?

Not around water, no.

So you're better off with your sturdy little partner, Dom, eh?

I wouldn't change you for the world.

Now, tell me what have we got nestled in our hive of comedy delights for today?

The one and only Steve Furst, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes. He will there on this stage.

-For your delectation and delight. He's brilliant. You know who else is brilliant?

-Who?

-It's our first fantastic act. Do you want to see them?

-YES!

Good, because it's our first.

Please give it up for the masters of sketch comedy, the Idiots of Ance.

We got ourselves a treasure map and X marks the spot in Dead Man's Cove.

YEAH!

-It will be a treacherous quest, full of deadly enemies, slimly serpents, all in treacherous waters.

-YEAH!

-Only the strong will return with fortune and glory.

-YEAH!

And the rest of ye won't be coming back!

YEAH!

Sir? What exactly d'ye mean by won't be coming back?

-Some of ye may be lost at sea.

-YEAH!

Lost at sea, what does that mean?

-Dead.

-Dead!

-Dead!

Well, we're not going then.

-No, not at all.

-No, you're a crazy person.

-I can't believe we nearly did that.

-I was so close to going with him.

He got us so excited about going on a boat trip.

Oh!

-What's wrong?

-Ow...I was just imagining if we had gone and I did get lost at sea.

Who'd feed my pet parrot?

Well, you're not going.

No, we spotted his trick in time.

No, but what happens if next time we don't spot his trick in time?

I don't know what I'd do if any of you were lost at sea.

-Don't even say that.

-I love you.

Shipmates, don't you all want to go after the treasure?

We don't need treasure.

We're comfortable.

And besides, we have already got treasure.

-Where?

-The treasure in our hearts.

Ah!

-What?

-What's my favourite kind of ship?

A friendship.

Come on, pirates, don't you want to fight?

No, I bruise like a peach.

Surely you want to kidnap.

Oh, you'll give pirates a bad name.

Surely you want to steal gold.

Stealing gold is all well and good

until you've been on the receiving end.

-What happened?

-I was once given the incorrect change.

It's a horrible world!

-Cuddle?

-Cuddle.

No, no, no, no pirates!

-What about the map?

-Forget your map.

Let's just go to Spain.

I know a little beach.

It's a real sun trap and there's an ice-cream kiosk and donkey rides

and we can have hats that say, kiss-me-quick.

Oh, finally, an excuse to go on a boat ride.

I'll race you to the Jolly Roger!

Bagsy me a window cabin.

GO PIRATES!

-WHOO!

-Wait for me.

Yes, yes. I understand,

but we can't really get the driver to drop you outside the door.

Because you're on a train.

Yeah, we can look into laying some more track.

But I just think a taxi might be a bit easier.

Yes, OK, goodbye.

Right, that's Mr Steve Furst on his way. How you getting on in there?

-How do you think? Do I have to do this?

-Right, we've discussed this.

It's the only way to make my nan believe that I'm happily married.

-Come on, let's have a look.

-No.

Come on, it can't be that bad.

Well?

-Yep, it's that bad.

-I knew it.

What took you so long in there?

Girls take a long time to get ready, OK. I was...

-SPEAKS IN A HIGH VOICE:

-I was just getting into character.

Well, it hasn't worked. There's no way that my nan's going to believe that I am married to THAT!

-Huh! You look like a man in a dress.

-You can be so hurtful.

-But you are a man in a dress.

-You said it again.

Steve Furst is going to be here any minute.

Just go on and get out of that ridiculous outfit.

Dominic Wood! You insensitive brute, after all the effort I made. I accessorised and everything.

-We haven't got time for this.

-There's always time to be a gentleman.

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC Look, look, I'm sorry.

Now, please go and get changed.

-Of course I will.

-DOOR BELL RINGS

Right, if that's this week's special guest, Mr Steve Furst,

whatever you do, don't come out dressed as a woman.

-Got it.

-Right.

OK. How exciting.

Ah, it's only this week's special guest, Mr Steve Furst.

Oh!

How are you.

Lovely to have you on the show.

Pleasure to be here. Is Dick not about?

-I think he's popped out for some milk or something. You'll catch up with him later.

-All right, OK.

Hello!

Who is this?

Forgot me handbag.

-Hello there.

-You all right? Argh!

Sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you.

No, it's fine. I mean...

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE No, it's fine. Not a problem.

I'm Steve Furst.

I know. We've met.

-We have?

-I mean...I'm a huge fan, so, yes, it feels like we've met.

Oh, right, OK.

-And who are you?

-Dick...si. Dixie. Yes, my name is Dixie.

Sorry Mr Furst, how incredibly rude of me.

This, let may I introduce to you is Dick's...

Um...

twin sister, Dixie.

I can actually see the resemblance.

I'm sorry but she was just leaving.

Changing.

-She was just changing.

-Leaving.

-She was just changing to leave.

That's right. Weren't you, Dick? Er Dixie?

Yes, I'll just go and get changed.

No, you're already changed.

-Oh yes, which means that I'm now...

-Leaving.

-Come on.

-What are you talking about? I'm not going out looking like this.

Why? I think you look lovely.

In fact, I think you might be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

HE THROWS UP

You're perfect.

Those eyes, that hair, that hint of womanly stubble.

Oh!

You see, not everyone thinks I look terrible.

Thank you, Steve, that's very kind of you, Mr Furst.

Not at all, Dixie.

-Stop it.

-Oh! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

All right, lads, I mean you two.

-Why don't I show you to your dressing room? It's time, Mr Furst.

-Is it?

LOUD CHIME

"Oh hello there, yes it is now time for this week's special guest to

"make ware way to their room, thank you."

See, told you. Come on, Mr Furst.

Come on through here.

-I'll catch you later, Dixie.

-Only if you catch me.

-Eh?

Never mind. See you in a bit. Bye-bye, Mr Furst.

Oh, boy! He doesn't seem to be the only gentleman around here, does he?

-Don't flatter yourself.

-What? No, I'm mean you - you hairy-handed half-wit.

Get changed, we need to get back on stage.

Not until we have read some History of Funny Business.

What? Oh. All right.

Right. OK.

In your own time.

The construction site, a dangerous situation where safety should be paramount at all times.

So there is a rich comedic seam to be mined here.

Ah yes, the rake.

A simple tool normally used for clearing leaves or light weeding.

But watch what happens when it's placed on the ground like so.

Oh! See how the humble rake has been transformed into a magnificent comedy prop.

Carelessness on a construction site can be a treacherous thing.

But in a comedy routine it's just the ticket.

Oh, interesting helmet, Subject B.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear that's not going to help anything at all. Oh, hello.

Jolly good.

Let's ratchet up the comedy a tad.

What happens when we combine the previous examples together?

Oh good work, Subject A.

Oh delightful.

Subject A? Where are you going with that?

Text book.

Marvellous. Well done, chaps.

You've employed several wonderful slapstick routines into one tremendous comedy sequence.

And so there we have it, the perilous and

hilarious construction site gag.

I think we've all learnt something here today, boys. Safety first.

-How are you doing? You all right?

-AUDIENCE: YES!

Jolly good. I'm glad you're feeling good, but what about you, little princess?

How are you feeling? Are you OK?

I'm feeling spot on, thank you me best mate in the whole world.

-Well, that's good.

-Good.

-Yes.

-Actually I've got a bit of a favour to ask you.

-A favour?

-Yes.

Well, fire away.

Will you sponsor me?

Well, of course. Of course I will. Shall I sponsor him? Yes?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Right. So how do you see that working?

Well, I've not really thought about it.

Cash maybe? Just lend us 20 quid or something.

Why should I give you 20 quid?

Hold on a minute. You misunderstand.

You don't have to GIVE the money to me. No, I want you to sponsor me it.

OK. Now listen closely.

Right, the deal is usually someone will undertake some sort

of challenge, usually a marathon or a bike ride and usually it's for a charity which forms

-the incentive for people to give you money. Got it?

-Right.

So how about if the charity is that I need 20 quid and the challenge is that I buy a couple of new CDs?

There is a big difference between charity cases and CD cases!

-All that for that.

-All right, OK, introduce the next act - come on.

-I will I can barely wait. Do you want them?

-YES!

If you like funny impressions, you'll love these girls.

Yeah please put your hands together for Thankless Child.

OK, who's this? You're fired!

Ooh-aah, from what? My job?

No, Rachel, it's an impression. You're fired!

Oh no, I'll have to get a new job.

No, it's an impression of Alan Sugar from The Apprentice.

It's that show where he fires people and when he does, he says, "You're fired!"

Oh, yes, I know the one, where he has the business people on.

-He gets rid of one each week. He says, "You're fired!"

-Yeah.

No, I didn't get that.

It didn't sound like him.

-OK, I'll do another one.

-Great.

Who's this? Um... OK.

My husband and I...

-That's not Alan again, is it?

-No, it was the Queen.

-Of?

-England!

-Queen of England, gosh. No, I did not get that at all.

Go on, do another one. You're so good at them, Lucy.

-OK, I'll give you a really easy one.

-OK.

Quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack?

Gosh, if you could just do it again.

Quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack?

No, I am getting it.

Just do it a couple more times.

Quack, quack. Quack, quack. Quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack, quack...

-Fearne Cotton!

-No, it's a duck!

It was a duck, you idiot.

How can you not tell?

That is fantastic. That is an impression of my Uncle Rob when he's really angry.

No, Rachel, this isn't the impression!

Yes, he does sound just like that, doesn't he?

-"No, Rachel, come away from there!"

-This isn't an impression of your Uncle Rob.

No, I suppose he's more sort of throaty.

More sort of, "I'm Uncle Rob."

It's got nothing to do with your Uncle Rob.

Gosh, every time we play the impressions game you never get any of them.

-That was the easiest one I've ever done.

-Sorry.

-Sorry. Sorry.

-Fine.

I'll tell you what.

What about I do an impression?

OK, I've got a pretty good one.

Come on. OK, who is this?

Quack, um, quack, quack.

-It's a duck.

-No, silly, it's you.

Oh, stop it!

-Here, you're a big one, aren't you?

-Oh, Dixie, you're so funny.

-And pretty.

-And pretty.

-And witty.

-And witty.

-And very good at astronomical metaphysics.

-We've got absolutely no evidence for that.

-Who does?

See you later, yeah?

-Here you are.

-No, look, I really wish she wouldn't talk to the acts dressed like that, you know.

And that. Here you are.

-Right, that's it.

-What?

-I've had enough.

-Eh?

-When my nan turns up, you talk to her, be very polite, make your excuses and leave.

In the meantime, do not speak to Steve Furst.

Why?

-Because he prefers brunettes.

-He does?

No, of course not! Cos he thinks you are Dixie, your own twin sister.

When he finds out he's been flirting with you

-he might walk off the show.

-Oh.

DOORBELL

-Come on.

-All right.

Hi, Dom.

It's only Kelly-Ann Manhattan, the gorgeous but slightly ditzy daughter of the owner of this theatre.

This girl has a real crush on me.

What? Are you sure? I mean, she always gets your name wrong.

-Oh yeah, that is a bit annoying, but I think it's pretty obvious, really.

-Yeah, right.

-Tell you what, now seems like a very good time to find out.

-Oh, yeah.

I'll go over there as Dixie, find out what she thinks of me...

-Yes.

-Good one.

Good.

-Hi, Kelly-Ann.

-Hi, Dom.

Oh, yes, yes.

-Hi, Da... Oh, where's Dan?

-Dick.

No, I'm Kelly-Ann. And who might you be?

I love your hair. It's so pretty.

Where did you get it done? Wait, do not tell me.

Did you get it done at that new place on the Avenue?

I have so been wanting to go there.

-The last guy that I went to was a total HRD.

-Hmm?

-Hair related disaster.

-Oh.

Anyway, I'd really better go. But thank you so much for the tip, my SABFF.

-Salon-Advisory Best Friend Forever.

-Oh, yes, yes.

-We should do coffee.

Let's meet at Chico's tomorrow between two and five.

Oh, that was a little prickly.

Don't worry, I have some cream for that. I'll bring it tomorrow.

It was great to see you.

Wait, Kelly-Ann, you don't even know who this is.

Oh, silly me. Would you believe that happens to me a lot?

-Kelly-Ann Manhattan.

-Oh.

So super-pleased to make your acquaintance.

Hi, Kelly-Ann Manhattan. Come over here for a girly chat. You know this Dick ...

I mean Dan? Do you think he's cute?

Depends what kind of cute you mean.

I guess he's cute in the way that Shrek's cute.

-Go on, you're in a rush.

-Oh, you're so wise. Bye.

Kelly-Ann, aren't you forgetting something?

OMG, did you want to ask for my number or something, because that

would be totally OK, but no pressure. I'm cool with it.

No, no, I just wanted to know if you want to be in the finale?

Oh.

-Well, can I?

-Yes.

-Yay! Thanks. Bye.

You did have a good girly chat, didn't you?

Not really. She's not the chatty type.

Oh, yes, hello, Mr Furst.

Anything I can do for you?

I was wondering if I might speak to Dixie.

Yeah.

-I was wondering if you might like...

-Spit it out!

I was wondering if maybe I could take you out for dinner.

No! I...I don't think that's a very good idea.

Why not?

Because, um... Because she eats like a pig.

Yes, a big, fat bloated pig.

You watch it!

Sorry.

Would you like to go out for dinner?

-You paying?

-Of course.

Then, yeah, why not?

Wonderful.

Isn't she just. I'll see you later, Dixie.

-Not if you see me first.

-Oh boy!

"Emergency! Emergency! Dick and Dom to the stage immediately!"

Right, trousers down.

I mean, roll the trousers down.

Looks like Barry Houdini's in trouble again.

-Take the dress off.

-OK.

-Get on stage.

BOOING

What are you doing?

You've mucked it up again. Barry Houdini.

I tell you what, seriously, he needs to get out of that game.

I know, well, you can't knock him through lack of trying though, can you?

-Do you think this might be the right time to call an impromptu interval?

-Yes.

-Right, let's do it.

JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS

There will now be a short inter-val.

Why not try your hand at a craft you've never tried before, such as

underwater pottery or extreme crochet?

Shall we box step, yes?

Very good. Out of sync.

Right, or maybe you're in the mood for a nice hot spoonful of cat's milk? Mmm!

You could even attempt to speed read a complete set of encyclopaedias wearing your nan's favourite hat.

However you choose to unwind, be sure you return to your seat before the show resumes.

Otherwise you're not having a birthday present, all right, and that's that!

Oh, and remember, our usherettes Betty and Betty are always there to help.

See you in a moment.

Sorry I'm late, Betty, love. Please don't tell me off.

Me alarm didn't go off, I missed my bus.

Don't worry about it, Betty.

-You seem happy.

-Well, I am. I'm in a good mood.

I've got some very good news.

Oh, I knew it. I thought you were looking fatter than usual. When's the baby due?

Don't be cheeky! I'm not having a baby.

I'm to be married.

-Who to?

-To that Robert Pattinson from Twilight.

Robert Pattinson, ooh!

-But I thought you were already married to your Barry.

-I dumped Barry.

-It's R-Patz all the way for me now.

-Never.

Oi, you, kid!

Get your sticky fingers off the polished surfaces.

-I've only just had them ragged down this morning!

-SMASH

Oh, I love kids, me.

So, where are you planning on having this glamorous wedding?

Well, this time, Betty, we're talking big, Betty.

-What, like Hollywood big?

-No, community centre big.

Yeah, even this week's special guest is trying to wangle a ticket out of me.

I tell you what, as the guests arrive, they are going to be greeted by 150 pink flamingos.

Oh, I love pink, me.

Oh, well I'm going to paint them blue then to go with my lovely uniform.

Oh, getting married in uniform. Just like royalty, that is.

Very like royalty.

We're even going to have thrones.

-Ooh, fancy!

-Yeah, R-Patz's brother is a bathroom fitter.

He's going to chuck in a couple of second-hand bogs and put some velvet over t'top.

Very classy and practical.

All this talk of bogs and velvet's making me hungry, Betty.

Choc drop, choc drop, choc drop, choc drop, choc drop, choc drop!

Very tasty.

-TEXT ALERT

-Oh, hang on.

Oh, it's a text message from R-Patz.

-Ooh.

-With bad news.

He says the wedding's off.

Oh, Betty, no, that is bad news.

Oh, brace yourself, love.

Batten down the hatches. Here they come.

-Quick, check my cheeks, would you, please, love?

-Let me just get that for you.

Very nouveau.

-Thanks, Betty, love.

-No problem.

Choc-ice! Lollies! R-Patz!

-Did you all have a good interval?

-YES!

I tell you what, that is me refreshed and ready to rock.

-Anyway, shall we do the notices?

-Not the notices.

-We've got to do the notices.

-But it's so boring.

-We're going to do the notices.

Listen up and then we can carry on with the next fantastic act.

OK, let's have a look. Please don't run through any slippy puddles that you may find in the theatre.

-Yes, obvious.

-Same old stuff.

Please refrain from barking like a dog during the acts.

No live chickens permitted during the filming.

You know who you are.

-Is there a Ricardo Rio in the audience?

-Yes.

We've just had this little note in the interval saying that

your wife-to-be has called and she has said the wedding is off because she's just run off with your brother.

Well, that's the formalities.

-Anything else on there, Dick?

-Nothing else, really.

-There's only one teaspoon left in the drawer.

-What?!

Right, shall we carry on? Ladies and gentlemen,

please remain calm whilst we try and locate the rest of the spoons.

Allow yourselves to become overwhelmed by delight as we

welcome to the stage the excellent Penny Dreadfuls!

Try not to speak, sir.

I'm going to look for a surgeon.

I'll be back soon.

-Private, look after this man with your life.

-Yes, sir.

What's your name, private?

-It's Piper, sir.

-Your first name, boy, your first name.

Johnny, sir.

Oh, Johnny.

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

-I'm a dead man, Johnny.

-Don't say that, sir.

No, it's game over for me.

-Promise me something, Johnny.

-Yes, sir, anything.

Promise me you'll find my wife.

-Yes, sir.

-Promise me.

I promise. I promise. NONSENSICAL SHOUTING

Find her and tell her to think back to that day in Somerset when we were both young,

and the world brimmed over with myriad wonders.

Our lives ahead to sample them all.

Laughing and falling between vanity and youth, basking in the glory of the love we shared.

A bond the Herculean Sampson could not rend asunder.

Nor blossoms rival in its delicacy.

Tell her that on that day, and that day alone, the world made perfect sense to me.

Now say it back to me.

-Erm...

-So I know she'll hear it right!

-Tell her to think back to that day in Somerset...

-Yes.

-..when you were young...

-Both young!

-..both young...

-Both young!

..both young...

-and the world, er, felt...

-Brimmed over!

-..brimmed over...

The world brimmed over.

..and the world brimmed over.

-With myriad wonders!

-I've found the surgeon.

-Don't worry, he'll be here any second, sir.

-Oh, thank goodness!

Remember, Johnny...

Oh, no! Sir!

GUNSHOT

What's your name, Private?

SpongeBob, isn't it?

-It's Johnny, sir.

-Ah, Johnny.

Johnny, Johnny.

I'm a dead man, Johnny.

-Don't say that, sir.

-Promise me you'll find my wife, Johnny.

-Yes, sir, that's fine.

-Find my wife...

-Yes.

-Tell her I hate her.

-What?

-I've written a poem I think best expresses it.

Susan! S is for Susan, for that is your name

U is for ugly, stupid and lame

S is for Susan again and also stupid

And why do your gums all...

That's not a poem!

Did somebody call for a surgeon?

I'm sorry I'm late. I couldn't find my trousers.

I've found them, now, though, so no problem.

-GUNSHOT

-Ahh! Ahh!

No, er... Argh!

What's your name, Private? Tracy Beaker, isn't it?

-No, it's Johnny, sir.

-Listen to me, Tracy.

I'm not long for this world.

I'm a dead man, Tracy.

Promise me something. Promise me you'll learn medicine so you can heal me.

-I can't read!

-I'll teach you.

A is for apple. Say after me.

-A is for apple.

-B is for...

-She should be here by now.

-Who?

What do you mean, "Who?"? My nan!

I wish she'd hurry. The sooner you can stop pretending

to be my nonexistent wife, the better.

I wish she'd hurry up, too - it's nerve-racking meeting the family.

You do know this isn't a real marriage, don't you?

You're telling me! When did you last buy me flowers?

I've never bought you flowers.

Exactly.

Why can't I quit you?

Oh, hi.

Women!

Stop being so ridiculous. And keep that wig of my fake wife on, right?

-(HIGH-PITCHED) The magic's gone!

-PHONE RINGS

That'll be me nan now. Right.

I'll get it. It's good to make a good first impression.

Hello, Dixie speaking. Outgoing yet also kind and homely.

Hi, Dixie. It's me, Steve.

What? Oh, yes, hello, Steve!

I hoped you'd answer.

It's so hard to talk with that Dom getting in the way.

He does get under one's feet, doesn't he? He's only small.

It's not his fault.

-Get off!

-'Dixie?'

-Dixie? Are you there? Is somebody else there?

-No.

No, no, no, it's just me. Er, I just broke a nail picking my nose. Yeah.

Oh. OK. Well, you seemed a little bit off earlier with me,

and I wondered if I'd done something to upset you.

It wasn't you, it was that heartless Dom.

I caught the tiny little scamp wearing me bra again.

I was furious! Get off, you...

'There IS somebody there!'

Who is it, Dixie? I just heard them tell me to get lost.

-Erm, yes, yes, er, there is someone else here. Mm.

-'Who?'

Eh? Er, it's my brother.

-Yes, Dick.

-Oh! Oh.

Right, well, put him on, please.

OK...

He wants to speak to Dick.

-You're Dick.

-Oh, yeah.

-Hello, Dick speaking.

-Dick, hi, it's Steve Furst.

-What's up?

-Look, I know you're only being protective of your sister,

but I think she's a really nice girl.

I only wanted to take her out for a chicken bhuna.

Mm, no, I don't like spicy food. Gives me the runs.

Well, I didn't think you were coming.

-Er, I'm not.

-No! No, no, that's OK, I understand.

-You want to chaperone.

-A chaper-what?

-A chaperone.

You want to come along to the meal to make sure I'm a gentleman.

I totally understand.

Look, I'd be happy for you to accompany Dixie and me.

'Do you like fish and chips?'

Er, no, I do not like fish and chips.

Ah! I LOVE fish and chips!

Great! That's settled. After the show,

I'll take me, you and your sister out for fish and chips.

Great. See you then, then. Bye!

Cheers, mate! Oh, give Dixie a kiss from me.

A kiss. Yes. Er...

Mm, I'll try. Cheers, Steve. Bye.

-What a perfect gentleman he is.

-What? No, no, no! But you...

I mean, he and the she...

-And then all three of you...

-No, no. Calm down, princess.

If Steve wants to take my sister Dixie and me out to...

-Dom?

-Yes?

-Have I just agreed to go on a date as myself

and my imaginary sister with this week's special guest, Mr Furst?

Oh!

WHOOSH

Oh, an e-mail.

I wonder who it's from.

It's from them wannabe wrestlers the Devastation Brothers,

the ones that want to rip us from limb to limb.

So, Dick and Dom, the time has come.

Lunchtime! Ma, can I have Alphabetti Spaghetti, please? Now!

No, Randy, you just had Alphabetti Spaghetti.

Not lunchtime, I'm saying the time has come

for us to go to the UK and destroy Dick and Dom!

I love Alphabetti Spaghetti.

It's not only delicious, but I can spell my favourite words with it,

like POOP

and FARTS!

-Farts, poop, farts.

-Randy, enough of the spaghetti spelling.

We are masters of disaster, not masters of pasta.

So look out, Dick and Dom, because the Devastation Brothers...

..the Devastation Brothers are coming for you.

Unfortunately, we haven't got money for tickets

to get to the UK at the moment, but very soon it is Randy's birthday day.

Hey! I love my birthday day!

I want a party, I want a new teddy bear

and I want enough Alphabetti Spaghetti to spell...

..antidisestablishmentarianism.

No, Randy, what you want is for Mom to give you money so that

we can buy tickets to go to the UK and kick Dick and Dom's butts!

Oh, yeah! What he said.

Yeah! But can I still get some Alphabetti Spaghetti

spaghetti spaghetti, please?

If we get those tickets, Randy,

you can have all the Alphabetti Spaghetti in the world.

Yay! Spaghetti! Spaghetti devastation!

-Calm down...

-Devastation.

Calm down, Randy.

Spaghetti devastation!

Hey, Ma, look, Butch has got "poo" on his face. Again!

Yes, yes, Nanny. Yes, I'll clean in-between me tootsies.

Yeah, I'm wearing the thermal knickers you sent me at Christmas.

I'm not.

Yes, OK, yeah.

Here, look, she's moaning about me granddad.

Apparently, his concentration's going.

He keep switching himself on and off all the time.

A bit like that TV we've got that turns itself on at random.

So, back in the kitchen, and Mike is finishing his stew,

which he's cleverly named Mike's Stew.

They'll be talking about this all evening.

Yeah, I bet they will.

Meanwhile, back in the dining room, Mike's guests are getting fidgety.

Where's the bloomin' food?

-I'm starvin'.

-Need you raise your voice like that?

-I'll raise it any way I like.

-Hey, please let's not argue.

I must say, I do find Belinda a little bit - what's the word?

Hateful.

Belinda is always calling me an idiot.

Although, thinking about it, everyone calls me an idiot.

We don't all call you that, Peter, you idiot.

Oh!

Looks like Mike's main dish has finally arrived.

There we are. Don't grab it all at once.

I don't think they will, Mike.

Mm! It's quite nice, actually.

Yes. I guess looks can be deceiving.

Yours aren't, love.

-It's lovely. What's in it, Mike?

-Secret ingredient.

Agh! What's that bloomin' thing?

Ah, no, he's escaped. He can probably smell his brother.

Smell his brother?

Mike, please don't tell me you've made tortoise stew.

I'm sorry, everybody, I have.

I have made tortoise stew.

But it tastes so nice...

I didn't know what else to cook.

Well, looks like Mike certainly came out of his shell tonight.

As did his tortoise. But has he done enough to win?

Well, the food made us all very sick,

but I did like Mike's joke about the Queen. Six out of ten.

Absolutely awful. Two.

I really enjoyed myself.

Nine out of ten.

Next time on Come Dine With Teddy...

"Where's the gravy?"?! Here's the gravy!

Oh...

Meet the Nelsons, Phil and Julie.

Since their children have grown up, their lives have become mayhem,

as they have slowly but surely

lost control of Daisy, their 83-year-old mother.

-I'll have you!

-No!

The family have been pushed to the limit -

there's only one person to turn to.

This is some of the worst footage I have ever seen.

This is Jan Stone, the Super Granny Nanny.

Daisy is an OAP with the tantrums of a teenager

who simply refuses to grow up.

Jan Stone is coming to the end of her stay with the Nelsons.

But so far, she's been as effective as a leg on a snake.

But she hasn't given up.

What you doing, B-Dog? How's it hanging?

I've gathered you to communicate.

Communication equals family salvation.

-Daisy, what are you doing?

-I'm communicating on me mobile.

Sorry, fishface wants me. Peace out.

This is exactly the problem. She doesn't listen.

And I'm sick of her calling me names, like Smalleyes and Harry Snotter.

-Don't forget Sheriff of Nerdsville.

-Sheriff of Nerdsville.

Chubby Funster. Smelly Eddie.

Gap Teeth. Hook Nose. Mr Borin'.

-Big Chin. Bum Face.

-She never called me Bum Face.

Didn't she?

Anyway, she just always acts like a teenager.

I've listened to the problems,

and I think it's time for me to turn Daisy from a testy teenage OAP

into a dignified granny.

It's a complete granny make-over.

Daisy!

Oh, yes! That is more like it!

Super Granny Nanny's last-ditch attempt to avoid abject failure

seems to impress.

-She's knitted you a jumper.

-For me?

-That's lovely, that is.

-But will it work?

It's like a real gran! How do I look?

Oh...

Are you going to let her get away with it?

You cannot let her continue to walk all over you.

What's it to be, give up or man up?

I can't believe he'd just get up and leave.

I'm disappointed. It shows weakness.

So you want me to do more things a normal granny

would do for you, do you?

You've got a dirty face.

This time, Daisy is going in for the kill.

There goes Super Granny Nanny, pride in tatters

and covered in grannyflob,

Daisy's free to carry on acting like a teenager with her daughter Julie.

Are you coming, then?

Oh, right, yeah, you're going to Auntie Alan's instead?

-"Auntie Alan"?

-Yes, of course I don't mind. Yes.

You'll have far more fun at Auntie Alan's, yes.

No, no, no, here's a bit boring

Just a load of boring, happily-married stuff here.

Oh yes, yes. I know, I'm hilarious.

You think the show's hilarious too? Thank you. What?

You watch it on TV all the time?

You're watching now?

So you know we're not really married then?

Yes, and I'm glad you find it so funny. What?

You want me to give Dixie a kiss from you?

All right. OK.

You're joking. Come on, get it over with.

You smell of mothballs.

No, not you. Right, OK, love you, bye.

Thank goodness for that.

Does that mean I don't have to be your wife any more, then?

Hi, Dom. Hi, Dixie. What happened to your hair?

I thought I'd try something different, you know.

Yes, we all make mistakes.

-Lovely, Dixie. Now, is Dick about?

-NO!

I am really looking forward to taking you and Dick out for fish and chips.

About that...

Hi, Dom.

Hi, Dixie. Where's Dan?

For the last time, my name is not Dan.

It's Dick, all right?

-My name is Dick.

-Dixie?

I suppose it's too late to put the wig back on?

I don't understand.

OMG.

Dixie is Dan!

Dick! I am Dick!

I don't believe it.

Hold on. Steven Furst, is that you?

Kelly-Anne Manhattan! OMG. SLF. My BFF.

I thought you were in Hollywood.

-I am not.

-I have missed you.

I missed you too.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait!

-Do you guys know each other?

-Duh!

-Does that mean we'll be in the finale together?

-Yes, it does.

And as for you two...

Are we ready to go for the finale?

-Eh?

-What?

-You're not in a bad mood with us

-about the whole Dick and Dixie thing?

-You should be.

No, no.

I knew it was a joke.

I've been playing along with you.

Brilliant, really brilliant.

Look, look, we're going to be late for the finale.

Let's get to the stage.

Ha-ha-ha.

-I'll be there in a sec.

-All right.

See you on stage in a minute.

You'll like the band, they're great.

SAD VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

I'm coming.

Here's an easy question.

-Have you all enjoyed the show?

-Yes!

I have got to be honest, I have loved every single minute

of today's show. I have loved it.

Good, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I've got some bad news. It's the last time you'll see

my sorry butt around these parts.

What are you talking about?

I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm off to Hollywood.

Yes, I've got a part in a movie.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-Thank you.

-I'm leaving you, Dom.

-What? We're a team.

We've grown up together. Well, you have.

-What's the part in the movie, fancy pants?

-OK, I'll tell you all.

I'm going to be playing...

a weakling who can't get a stain out of the carpet.

You jammy little sausage.

Who got you that part?

The person who got me the part was our special guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome -

you know him as Mannitol from The Legend of Dick and Dom -

-it's Steve Furst.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes. Is it true?

You got him a part in a film?

Let's just say I pulled some strings.

Told you. I hope you're not too jealous, my little friend.

I guess people just move on, you know.

No, no, no. I think it's great.

I think you deserve it. I'm not jealous at all.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

AUDIENCE: AWWWW!

-Hang on a minute. How big is this part, Fursty?

-Big?

Oh, yes, he's the only person in it.

Hear that? This is the big time.

Hang on a minute. The only person in a film that is about a weakling

who can't get a stain out of a carpet?

That's right. Deep, deep.

Well, it's deep...cleaning, technically.

Here. How long is it?

Just turn it in, mate. You're going to blow the part for me.

-It's 30 seconds, maybe even about 20 seconds.

-Is it?

That seems quite brief.

You see, you can't give all this up for that.

-Please, take me back.

-Get up, you bozo.

I can't bear to hear any more of these low-rent showbiz dealings.

Yeah, save it, Mr Furst.

Save it for the lyrical quick-footed hip-hop genius

of Abandoman.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here they are again,

it is improvisational rap extraordinaires, Abandoman.

James on the guitar and Rob spitting out the lyrics on the mike.

And when you give them words,

subject or phrases, they will magically include them in their rap.

Yes, but Steve "comedy man" Furst, who does silly dances,

this rap is going to be all about, and serenading, your good self.

Great to meet you.

Steve was in an amazing act we watched for years at the cinema

where Steve plays one of many producers

who gives out money so movies can be made.

Today with your help, we'll try to get a new movie made.

We'll get a few suggestions from you and from Steve.

They will go on cards, all the words have to be used in the song.

Our question is this.

Can you give us the name of a movie character?

Maybe a hero like Simba, a villain like Jaws. Any name.

Dick will go up there and get some names.

We'll put them down on a piece of card.

-You. What's your name?

-Finlay.

-Which movie star?

-Batman.

Batman, great movie character. Who else has got one?

You. Standy uppy. What's your name?

-Hannah.

-Hannah, and which movie star?

-Robin Hood.

-Robin Hood.

A brilliant movie character, absolutely. Who else has got

-a movie character?

-What is your name?

-Sian.

-And which movie-star?

Indiana Jones.

Very nice.

Three more.

-What is your name?

-Trudy.

-And which movie character would it be?

-Nemo.

Nemo from Finding Nemo, lovely.

Yes, hello. What is your name?

-Rebecca.

-Tell Rob.

-Rebecca.

-No, I know, you've told him your name.

-Tell him your movie character.

-Kate Winslet.

Who is a movie character in the show Extras

where she plays herself. Very well done.

-Last one.

-Yes, please. What is your name?

-Carys.

-OK, tell Rob.

Spider-Man.

Spider-Man. Of course.

Now, we are going to ask one last person, Mr Steve Furst.

You have got a gold card over there, we'd like you to write down

a movie character that you like, a hero or villain.

We are not going to take a look at it but it will be used in the song.

James is a huge fan of Snow White And the Seven Dwarfs.

In 1937, they made a Disney movie about it.

We want to try and remake that movie and make it better with your help,

we'll pitch a new movie to Steve

and hopefully he'll give us the money to make it.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to go.

Before we go any further, welcome to the stage, Kelly-Anne Manhattan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There she is, Kelly-Anne Manhattan. You usually end the show every week

by performing a musical interlude on an instrument.

-And today...

-I've got it.

It is a trumpet.

So, blow into that when we've all finished. OK, Rob take it way, mate.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the musical movie pitch,

this is for Steve Furst.

Ladies and gentlemen, please make some noise.

CHEERING

# We are going to make a movie like you haven't seen before

# It's gonna be a remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

# We're gonna make a movie. #

(RAPS) Yes, sir, you see I've a plan

I really want to cast Mr Spider-Man

That's right, you know now, man, you see me

I want him to play the character Sleepy

I know that it's hard but he's going to play one of the dwarves

That's just the start, I've scoured the world, I've scoured the planet

Now I'm gonna cast the girl from the Titanic

That's why you know Yes, man, you know me

Kate Winslet will play the part of Dopey

You know right now See my heart blow

This time she's away from Leonardo

The next one, I promise you This will be hot

The next dwarf I believe his name is Doc

And you know who we're going Yes, folks, we know

It's going to be a fish We're going to find Nemo

That's right, that's a handful, but the next one, I believe is Bashful

And you know, we're so into soul

We want an action Bashful Indiana Jones

That's right, yes man, I see you

Picking who'll direct it I'm going for Spielberg

But right now, yes, you see me

I'm trying to cast the character that will be Sneezy

We've got folks that are often good

But one person we don't have - Robin Hood

He wasn't the greatest person we've come across, kids

We can set this in Sherwood forest

Last one, yes, I met him last week

I thought, I'm going to cast him as Happy

You know they said that it is a mad plan

But I'm going to cast Mr Batman

That's right, they say that it's too insane

He can't play Happy Yes, he can, he's Bruce Wayne

Last one, you know This one will be lovely

The last character will play Mr Grumpy

Yes, sir, yes, sir you've guessed

Make some noise He'll be played by Shrek

You know it's good You know it's a scene

At least one character must be green

-Can we make this movie?

-Yes we can!

-Can we make this movie?

-Yes we can!

-Can we make this movie?

-Yes we can.

Thank you very much, we're Aban-do-man.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BREATHY NOTE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Put your hands together one more time for James and Rob, Abandoman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's all the funny business that we've got time for,

so please would you thank the amazing cast?

-Let's thank...

-The Idiots of Ants.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Keep it going for Thankless Child.

And the Penny Dreadfuls have been here.

The Hornblower herself, Kelly-Anne Manhattan.

Not forgetting this week's special guest, the amazing Steve Furst.

That's all we've got time for, join us next week for more Funny Business.

-Bye!

-Bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

-You know what's weird? And don't say me.

-Most of today?

No, no. I really miss Dixie.

-Really?

-See, I never had a sister.

And my brother, he was really funny about dressing up.

Ain't that the truth.

All right, look. Just wait here.

Special treat.

Just wait there

-(HIGH-PITCHED) Look who's come to visit.

-Who?

Your long-lost sister. Dometta.

-It's so lovely to see you.

-It's lovely to see you too.

(LOW-PITCHED) But it is for one day only, all right?

-(HIGH) Fancy getting some fish and chips?

-I would love to.

Oh, shall we bring Dom?

What is it about this that you don't get?