Episode 10 Dick and Dom's Hoopla


Episode 10

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Hoopla!

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# Fire up the van and hit the open road

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# We're putting on a show from a travelling abode

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# Fabulous feats that are crazy and colourful

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# Prepare to be amazed by the weird and the wonderful

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# Hoopla

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# Everybody shout Hoopla

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# All together now, Hoopla

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# Everybody loves Hoopla

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# They'll be magic, mayhem mystery, suspense

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# Prizes, surprises It's going to be immense

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# From Matlock to Margate Pontefract to Perth

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# It's simply going to be the greatest show on Earth

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# Hoopla

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# Everybody shout Hoopla

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# All together now, Hoopla

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# Everybody loves Hoopla. #

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Prepare to be amazed!

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BOTH: Hoopla!

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Dick and Dom's Hoopla, a show of unbelievable sights,

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-of exciting musical treats...

-Now, play!

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..of weird, terrifying, vomit-inducing games,

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and at the show's heart, two of the most wonderful beings

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ever to tread the soils of this fair planet.

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BOTH: Hoopla!

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But what do we really know about Hoopla?

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Where did it come from? What does it mean?

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And why...

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well, just why?

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Join us for the next hour as we strive to discover

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The Truth About Dick & Dom's Hoopla!

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It's Thursday at 3am,

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and Dick is looking after the acts in this week's show.

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GROANING

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Shurrup and eat your fish!

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GRUNTING

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The acts are the life blood of the show,

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we've got acrobats, comedians, jugglers,

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the best of the best, really,

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and we have to take extra special care of them.

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Their well-being is so important to us.

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DOM GRUNTS

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-Not again!

-He'll be all right once he's had a cup of tea.

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No, he won't.

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DICK WHISTLES

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I've got a little mask for you here.

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If you stand about here, John, stop backing off like that,

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you've got to be far forward, you're in the show now,

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that goes on there. Beautiful, beautiful.

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This fits on the facial area.

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Near the nasal region, there we go.

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Let me see, let's make you more comfortable, is that OK?

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-GRUFF VOICE:

-'Oh, yeah, yeah!'

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Are you OK?

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'Oh, yes! I'm excited now, yeah!'

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So am I!

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Give everyone a wave over there.

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'Hello! Hello, ladies! All right!'

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'Hello, ladies! I like the ladies!'

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Oh, really? He likes the ladies.

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'I know, yeah. I like all the pretty ladies!'

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Hey, all right, John.

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Don't worry, Nicky, I'm not missing you out. I've got one for you.

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Oh, beautiful! Look at that. Come here, let's try that on there.

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Beautiful, that fits on there. Fantastic. Look at that.

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LAUGHTER

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That's... Oh, I nearly forgot, I've got this as well!

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Now, come here, Nicky.

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It's all right, I'm not going to make anybody wear this,

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it's uncomfortable. It's hot under these lights and it's moth-eaten

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and flea-ridden. Nobody wants to wear this.

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-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-'I do!'

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Really?

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-NICKY:

-'I do! I do! I do! Please! Me! Me! Me! Me!'

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Really?

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-NICKY:

-'Yeah!'

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-NICKY:

-'It's going to bring back so many memories!

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-NICKY:

-'Yay, hee-hee! Hee-hee!

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-NICKY:

-'Ha-ha-ha!'

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-NICKY:

-'Ooh, you're making me laugh!' Good!

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In this case, literally!

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-NICKY:

-'Yeah!'

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Come a bit closer, Nicky.

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Let's try that on, fantastic. Oh! Look at that.

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-NICKY:

-'Yeah, beautiful, beautiful!

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-NICKY:

-'I've always wanted to be ginger!'

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Yeah...

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-NICKY:

-'Again!' OK, right.

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-NICKY:

-'Hee-hee-hee!'

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You've gone quiet, John.

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-JOHN:

-'I know!'

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-JOHN:

-'I'm just checking out the ladies! All right!'

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John, we haven't got long, we've got to hurry up! He likes the ladies.

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-NICKY:

-'I know!'

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Do you like the ladies?

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-NICKY:

-'Not really, no.'

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'I'm not bothered, no.'

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What are you going to do, then?

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'We're going to sing a song.'

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Really?

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-You're doing a song?

-NICKY:

-'Yeah!'

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-You as well?

-JOHN:

-'Oh, yeah!'

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And you're both singing it? 'Yeah!' 'Yeah!' 'Yeah!' 'Yeah!'

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Together? 'Yeah!' 'Yeah!' 'Yeah!'

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-At the same time?

-JOHN:

-'Oh, yeah! Yeah!'

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I'm quite keen to see how I do this myself.

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Let's manoeuvre you into position, OK.

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We're going to go for the big song. Are you ready?

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-NICKY:

-'Yeah, I was born ready.'

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One, two...

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-JOHN:

-# I like to move it, move it

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# I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it

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# I'm too sexy for my shirt Too sexy for my shirt! #

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Hey, John!

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You're getting carried away.

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-Did I count to three then?

-NICKY:

-'You didn't.'

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-I didn't, did I?

-NICKY:

-'No, you didn't.'

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-NICKY:

-'You didn't.'

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-No, you sound like Orville.

-NICKY:

-'I know, you didn't.'

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We're going to sit you both down, now.

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-NICKY:

-'No, I want to stay here!' Really?

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'Yes, I want this to last for ever.'

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-NICKY:

-'I want to do a solo!'

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Yeah? So you're going to sing?

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-NICKY:

-'Yeah.' You're not going to sing, are you? JOHN: 'No!'

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-JOHN:

-'I'm going to dance.' Oh, really?

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LAUGHTER

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# Boom box

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# Never go anywhere without my boom box

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# Sitting having breakfast chilling with my boom box

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# Hold up, take a minute Listen to my boom box

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# All the boys gather round just to see my boom box

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# Ain't no way you're going to turn me down, boom box

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# Love it when the speakers go kapow, boom box

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# Everybody's looking at it They wish they had it

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# Never heard anything this loud

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# Boom box

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# I want to, want to Want to hear my boom box

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# From the car, to my room To the rooftops

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# I want to, want to Want to hear my boom box

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# All I need is me and my boom box

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# It makes me go Boom, b-b-boom, boom, boom

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# Yeah, it makes me go Boom, b-boom, b-boom, boom

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# It makes me go Boom, b-b-boom, boom, boom

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# It makes me go Boom, b-boom, b-boom, boom

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# Boom box. #

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Now, in the show,

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you challenge members of the public to take part in a variety of games.

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Yes, that's right.

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It's our chance to give something back to the people,

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giving them their chance to shine in the spotlight and to be honest,

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we are inundated with requests to participate.

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Madam!

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Would you like to take part in Uncle Dom's Teeth-Pulling Challenge?

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-Oh, I'd rather not.

-Good! What's your name?

-Er, Amanda?

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Amanda, huh? Paul, Jenny, Helen,

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we ain't got an Amanda, you'll have to be Bernard.

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-Oh, please, I really don't want to...

-Shut up, Bernard!

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Some of the games look fairly dangerous.

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Ha-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

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I mean, at the end of the day, what is safety?

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Look, we take everyone's safety very seriously on this show!

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Every contestant is vetted

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to make sure they're fully fit for the challenge.

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-Do you have a phobia of clowns?

-Yes!

-Any chronic health problems?

-Yes!

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Are you allergic to any of the following substances?

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-Cold mashed potata!

-Yes.

-Rancid kipper heads?

-Ooh, yes!

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-Otter's milk?

-Yes.

-Well, you're doing it anyway.

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-Please don't make me.

-BOTH: Shut up, Bernard!

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-What's the second challenge?

-Second challenge is a Star Jump Challenge.

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The star jump. For the stupid viewers at home,

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what is a star-jump?

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HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS

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Brilliant, OK. So, who's going to go first? I think it's going to be Sam.

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If you step forward, and we're going to see

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how many you can do in 20 seconds.

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-You get a point for every one that you do. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

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Your time starts now.

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BELL RINGS

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OK, well done, Sam.

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-So, Lewis, how many did Sam manage to do?

-26.

-26!

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-Can you see anything?

-No.

-Good. Turn to face that way.

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OK, so, Round One!

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Here's the clue.

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'Has a sharp tongue but always takes his friends on holiday.'

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Kiss or punch?

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-'Ow, that hurt.'

-He punched Simon Cowell! One point!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Round Two!

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OK, so...

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'Fluffy on the outside but can scratch for no reason.'

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Kiss or punch?

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Kiss! You kissed a kitten! One point.

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Round Three.

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OK.

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LAUGHTER

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Shurrup!

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'The world's second best double act!'

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No, don't cheer! No, you punched Ant & Dec! That's bad!

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No, you don't get any points for that. Naughty!

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OK, Round Four.

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'Terrible skin but good with recipes.'

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No! You kissed a witch!

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No points, and that's the end of your round.

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Blindfold off, you got two points.

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BOTH: Cackamanga!

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Come on, then.

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# You can run but you can't hide

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# From the Hand of Cackamanga

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# If you don't slip you'll certainly not slide

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# You'll be waving your fist in anger

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# Sam has gone, Sam has gone

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# Cos he got the Hand of Cackamanga

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# George has gone, he's gone away

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# He got slapped by the Cackamanga Hand

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# You can dodge... #

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Whoa!

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# Don't look away cos it needs its prey

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# The Hand of Cackamanga

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# Cackamanga, Steven's gone down

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# Cackamanga, Cackamanga. #

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BOTH: We rule! We rule!

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# Ca-ca-ca, Cackamanga

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# You have no choice

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# You got no time to put your coat on, Anga

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# Cackamanga, Cackamanga

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# Feel the smack of the handy wanga

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# If you think that you can dodge

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# If you think that you can dodge

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# If you dream of winning the prize

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# And for now you've gone

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# Cackamanga, Cackamanga

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# Cacka-Cacka-Cacka-Ca-Cackamanga

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# Wow, Tia and Eve, say good eve

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# You gone...! #

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Stop! That way!

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# Look out boy, look out girl

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# Cackamanga's going to crush your world

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# Drive away, you can't get far

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# Don't be dumb It's only a bumper car

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# Drive real fast and dodge the goo

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# But in the end the hand will come down on you

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# Ian, you're gone

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# We got a winner! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen! Look, look!

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Whoa, whoa! You haven't got her!

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-I can't move!

-Get back in the cars!

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And you're playing and all!

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We don't have a winner!

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# Winner! #

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A-a-a-agh!

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# No, no, we don't have a winner

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# No, no, we don't have a winner

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# No, no, we don't have a winner

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# You've got the Hand of Cackamanga

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# No, we don't have a winner

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# Going to get ya... #

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We have a winner, we have a winner!

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I won!

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Ladies and gentlemen, the winner is Amy!

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Come along, let's meet Contestant Number Two!

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-Hello, Contestant Number Two, what's your name, m'dear?

-It's Kate.

-Kate.

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-That's a lovely name. Do you spook easily, Kate?

-Sometimes.

-Sometimes.

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What about if Jedward were in your wardrobe

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-doing a very tricky crossword wearing shiny shoes?

-Not really.

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I think that would be very spooky, I'd phone the police.

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You know what's going on, you can't spill this juice from your headgear,

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and when you're inside the ghost train,

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-whatever you do, don't touch your helmet, do you understand?

-Yeah.

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All right, then. Very best of luck.

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Before you go in the ghost train, I've got to give you a ding, so...

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SINGS GIBBERISH

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That was a very strange vocal delivery from me, but there we are.

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Off we go. Shove off!

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SPOOKY MANIACAL LAUGHTER

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I don't know what's going on.

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'Double history every single day.'

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Two centimetres to beat. Will she do it?

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HIGH-PITCHED EVIL LAUGHTER

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-B'a-a-a-agh!

-A-a-a-agh!

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A scream! A scream! Yes!

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FANFARE AND APPLAUSE

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Gabriel, you're very naughty.

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I scared her, Roger, I scared her.

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You did scare her, very well done.

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Right, Kate, if you just very carefully step out.

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Oh, dearie me, there's juice everywhere.

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Gabriel, did she cheat inside there?

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No, she was very good, she never touched the helmet

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and didn't let any juice out.

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Good, very good, Kate. Look at her, very tactical. Hang on a minute.

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Two...look, you look spooky and scared now, Kate.

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This is marvellous. Right, let's just measure.

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Two centimetres to beat...

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Let's have a look. Oh, and four of your Earth centimetres.

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Which means Kate's the winner!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Right, Kate, step down onto the pants of Eggbetmar,

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the ghost of all things spooky.

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Will you put this over your head and do a nice hula dance?

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But only when I start singing. OK, are you ready? Here we go.

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# Gimme that, gimme that Gimme, gimme, gimme that

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# Gimme that ding Gimme that, gimme, gimme that

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# Gimme that ding Gimme that, gimme, gimme that

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# Gimme, gimme, gimme that

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# Ding. #

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Oh, wasn't that absolutely adorable?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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What's...what...what are you doing?

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HE GIGGLES

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Pick a celebrity.

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Erm, I'll choose...

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IMITATING HIM: I'll choose...

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Which one d'you like the look of?

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-You've got Kylie over there, Fearne Cotton, Madonna...

-Him?

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Who do you think that is?

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Erm, Mr Pig?

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Yeah, go for Mr Pig!

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LAUGHTER

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-It's Brian Cox, go.

-'Hey, hey, mate!'

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No, that's Cheryl Cole, higher!

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BOTH: Ooh!

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-'Oh, nearly.'

-BOTH: Ooh!

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So, unfortunately, no, wait, come here!

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Come here! I'm going to get you! Come on!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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OK, you little...oi!

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LAUGHTER

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Just watch it, you!

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Richard McCourt, known to everyone as Dick.

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Superstar, inspiration, legend...

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are just some of the words he has learned recently,

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thanks to his new pocket dictionary.

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But what is it that makes Dick tick?

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I am just a man of simple pleasures, there's nothing starry about me.

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Here.

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WHAT is that?

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Decaf skinny soya latte.

0:17:280:17:30

A decaf skinny soya latte WHAT?

0:17:300:17:33

-Oh, a decaf skinny soya latte, ma'am.

-That's better.

0:17:330:17:37

DOM STIFLES LAUGHTER

0:17:370:17:39

-Where are the chocolate sprinkles?

-You said you didn't want any.

0:17:390:17:42

Well, I changed my mind when you were out!

0:17:420:17:44

-Oh.

-How can you not understand that? Get out of my sight!

0:17:440:17:47

-Or I'll send you back to Wolverhampton.

-Yes.

0:17:470:17:50

Ah. Ooh, it's really rather lovely.

0:17:520:17:55

Well, what can you say about a man like Dick? I mean...

0:17:570:18:01

He's got a face. Arms, legs...

0:18:010:18:03

That's about it, really.

0:18:070:18:09

DICK CRIES

0:18:090:18:10

CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:18:170:18:18

So, who came up with the idea for Hoopla?

0:18:200:18:23

Guilty.

0:18:230:18:24

It was me!

0:18:240:18:26

You see, I just wanted to change people's perceptions of me.

0:18:260:18:29

The media portrayed me as some kind of fool,

0:18:290:18:31

a fool that wears ridiculous clothing and rolls around on the floor.

0:18:310:18:35

-I'd like to think this show has changed all that.

-Hoopla!

0:18:350:18:38

Listen, he has got the only pectoral muscles

0:18:380:18:41

that can do something very special.

0:18:410:18:44

They do this...

0:18:440:18:45

DRAMATIC MUSIC

0:18:450:18:47

BOUNCING SOUND

0:18:470:18:49

LAUGHTER

0:18:490:18:51

CONTINUOUS BOUNCING NOISES

0:18:510:18:53

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

0:18:550:18:58

He hasn't got a six-pack, he's got a one pack!

0:18:580:19:02

It looks like a swollen outy belly button and it does this...

0:19:030:19:08

WOBBLY NOISES

0:19:080:19:10

LAUGHTER

0:19:100:19:11

BOUNCING NOISES

0:19:130:19:14

Come with me. Mind your step, get your leg over the step.

0:19:200:19:23

Right, onto the assault course, there we go.

0:19:230:19:25

OK, Michael, looking for a good, strong effort, OK?

0:19:250:19:29

Get motivated, let me see your war face!

0:19:290:19:31

-SCREAMS

-That's it, good man.

0:19:310:19:33

Remember, you're in front of the jammy rods. Your time starts now, go.

0:19:330:19:37

Right, go. Get on with it. Come on, get yourself through, good.

0:19:370:19:40

Keep moving! Keep moving!

0:19:400:19:42

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

0:19:420:19:44

There's your rod, there's the rod. BUZZING NOISE

0:19:440:19:48

Ah! You've touched it, 30 second penalty.

0:19:480:19:51

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

0:19:510:19:52

It's a good effort.

0:19:520:19:54

No, wait for it!

0:19:540:19:55

Mind the guillotine. Get on the floor!

0:19:550:19:58

LAUGHTER

0:19:580:20:00

-Get under the...

-Not that way!

0:20:000:20:02

-Get up.

-You stupid man. Not that way.

-This way!

-That way!

0:20:020:20:06

-Under the trap.

-Keep moving.

0:20:060:20:08

Get right under. Down. Get down more, down more!

0:20:080:20:10

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

0:20:100:20:13

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

0:20:150:20:17

-Get back here!

-You've got to crawl...

-Get up on your feet!

0:20:170:20:21

Mind the punchbag.

0:20:210:20:23

Mind the punchbag.

0:20:230:20:24

DICK LAUGHS

0:20:240:20:26

-Oi!

-Stop.

-Ah, you've done it!

0:20:260:20:30

GONG

0:20:300:20:31

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:310:20:32

WHISTLING FROM AUDIENCE

0:20:350:20:37

Baby Dick's got his nappy stuck.

0:20:370:20:39

LAUGHTER

0:20:390:20:40

-COMMENTATOR:

-Well, look at this.

0:20:400:20:42

Was it a sensible outfit to wear?

0:20:420:20:45

-Have you, have you soiled yourself?

-I'm stuck to it. I'm stuck on it...

0:20:460:20:50

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:500:20:52

Where's my stick gone?

0:20:530:20:55

-This could end messily.

-You naughty baby!

0:20:550:20:57

SPANKING NOISES

0:20:570:20:59

I don't know what he's doing, but it is an absolute shambles.

0:20:590:21:01

Right, Phoebe, congratulations.

0:21:010:21:04

You are the winner of the next Golden Hoopla Hoop!

0:21:040:21:07

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:070:21:09

Going on...three, two, one.

0:21:090:21:13

Hoopla!

0:21:130:21:14

MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

0:21:140:21:16

Clowns, take her away!

0:21:320:21:34

We'll see you later in the Finaleval. Goodbye.

0:21:340:21:38

-What are you doing?

-Huh...

0:21:410:21:44

DOM LAUGHS

0:21:450:21:46

Hoopla!

0:21:460:21:48

Dominic Wood, a man.

0:21:480:21:52

Some call him the beating heart of the carnival.

0:21:520:21:55

Some call him the soul of the show.

0:21:550:21:58

Others call him to discuss his current mobile phone payment plan.

0:21:580:22:01

I've never liked him.

0:22:010:22:03

-How would you describe yourself in one word?

-Very nice.

0:22:030:22:07

No, that's two words.

0:22:070:22:08

I know, I was just testing you.

0:22:100:22:11

-So, how would you describe yourself in one word?

-Very nice.

0:22:130:22:17

'Dick and I have a very close working relationship.

0:22:180:22:21

'I think that's an important factor

0:22:210:22:23

'in the continuing success of the show.'

0:22:230:22:25

Hello and welcome to the town of Milkmaidrawtrumps!

0:22:250:22:29

Listen, if you're, um, not doing anything, maybe, tonight,

0:22:290:22:33

you can come round to mine for a curry and a chick flick.

0:22:330:22:36

What have I told you? Don't bother me, ever!

0:22:360:22:38

-No, don't touch me!

-Yes, good point.

0:22:420:22:45

Er... yes.

0:22:450:22:46

-Stop it!

-Yes.

0:22:500:22:51

Throughout the course of the show, have you ever felt uncomfortable?

0:22:540:22:59

Never. No.

0:22:590:23:02

Hoopla!

0:23:020:23:04

Roll up, roll up!

0:23:040:23:05

This man can guess your age using the power of his mind, guaranteed!

0:23:050:23:12

Whatever you do, don't make me look stupid.

0:23:120:23:15

-All right?

-All right.

-Off we go!

0:23:150:23:18

-38.

-34.

0:23:190:23:22

-Oh! Bit hard.

-Next!

0:23:220:23:25

Er, what, six?

0:23:250:23:27

-Seven.

-Oh!

-Next!

-Bit hard!

0:23:270:23:30

30, er, 34.

0:23:320:23:34

-29.

-Next!

0:23:340:23:37

Seven.

0:23:390:23:42

-Seven.

-Hey!

0:23:420:23:44

-Next!

-Seven.

0:23:460:23:47

Show them! Show them! At home!

0:23:480:23:52

-Seven.

-Get out.

-Go on!

0:23:520:23:55

Next.

0:23:550:23:57

28.

0:24:000:24:02

32.

0:24:020:24:03

Next!

0:24:030:24:04

Bit hard. 39.

0:24:060:24:08

-32.

-Next!

0:24:080:24:11

No wait, wait, wait.

0:24:150:24:18

-11.

-11.

-Ooh!

-What?

0:24:180:24:20

Next!

0:24:210:24:23

53?

0:24:270:24:28

14.

0:24:280:24:29

Oh...

0:24:310:24:32

DISTANT CHIME

0:24:350:24:37

You... You made me... You've made me look stupid.

0:24:410:24:46

I've had enough of you.

0:24:460:24:48

It's me. Look.

0:24:510:24:53

You've made me look stu...

0:24:550:24:56

CHIMING CONTINUES

0:24:560:24:58

CAT MEOWS

0:25:000:25:02

SCREAMS

0:25:020:25:03

Here we go. Oh,

0:25:030:25:05

lovely early run by the Hairy.

0:25:050:25:08

That's a poor start though, isn't it, John?

0:25:090:25:11

Well, look at it now, because the Peaches seem to be...

0:25:110:25:14

Good from the Peaches, getting down the wing.

0:25:140:25:17

-Over the line.

-Yes, straight away.

0:25:170:25:19

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLE

0:25:190:25:21

-Absolutely textbook.

-What was nice about that, John,

0:25:210:25:25

is they played it out wide, they got it down the wing,

0:25:250:25:28

which is where they should be getting it.

0:25:280:25:30

But they left a man up front, one at the back.

0:25:300:25:33

-They did. And...

-This is good play. The Reds...

0:25:330:25:36

-WHISTLE

-Here we go again.

0:25:360:25:39

-Now...

-SCREAMING

0:25:390:25:41

-Oh...

-That's a foul, I think.

0:25:410:25:45

The referee's showing a yellow card, now he's showing red.

0:25:450:25:48

He doesn't know what he's doing, this young man here.

0:25:480:25:51

On the pitch there's some very exciting activity,

0:25:510:25:54

-very close to the line.

-Oh!

-And again! Two-nil.

0:25:540:25:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:590:26:00

-Excellent...

-What I'd say, John, at this point...

-Yes.

0:26:000:26:04

..is I think it's going to be a runaway success for the Peaches.

0:26:040:26:07

-It might well be.

-That's what might happen here.

0:26:070:26:10

There's a lot more time to play.

0:26:100:26:12

The Reds, quite frankly, are all over the place.

0:26:120:26:14

-They don't know what they're doing.

-I think...

0:26:140:26:17

They don't know what they're doing, John.

0:26:170:26:20

I'm not going to argue, but hang on a minute...

0:26:200:26:23

But saying that, this could be their comeback.

0:26:230:26:25

-They're fighting back.

-It's virtually an own goal.

0:26:250:26:28

What I would say is that time,

0:26:280:26:30

I really don't think the Greens knew what they were doing.

0:26:300:26:33

Fair enough, Brian,

0:26:330:26:34

but I think Rebecca and John did very well there.

0:26:340:26:36

Dick's in a real mess there.

0:26:360:26:38

-Oh no, he's not doing it.

-He's got him out.

0:26:380:26:42

At least he's back in play.

0:26:420:26:45

-Back in the arena.

-Go on, Dom!

0:26:450:26:47

WHISTLE

0:26:470:26:49

So, quite a lot to play for here, John.

0:26:490:26:51

And look at this runaway time...

0:26:510:26:54

Nobody's moving. Look at Dom go.

0:26:540:26:57

Well, this is absolutely extraordinary.

0:26:570:27:02

I have to say to you there, John, about that...

0:27:020:27:05

The Peaches didn't know where they were.

0:27:050:27:08

They haven't regrouped.

0:27:080:27:10

-They left nobody back.

-No.

-They were stood standing.

0:27:100:27:12

-No plan.

-There's no time for that in this game, John.

0:27:120:27:15

We're back on. Two-all, all to play for.

0:27:150:27:18

HONKING SOUND

0:27:180:27:20

In go the Hairys.

0:27:200:27:23

Well, it's got messy, but... Rebecca and John broke there!

0:27:230:27:26

They're going for it. Oh, no, they've lost it.

0:27:260:27:29

They've played it out wide.

0:27:290:27:31

And the crowd are angry...

0:27:310:27:33

What I would say is the big fella, there, John,

0:27:330:27:36

is carrying a bit too much weight.

0:27:360:27:38

-He needs to lose some.

-Well...

0:27:380:27:40

-He needs to lose it, John!

-Oh...

0:27:400:27:43

MUSIC CUTS OUT

0:27:430:27:45

What now?

0:27:470:27:49

Two-all. All to play for.

0:27:510:27:53

In goes the Dom ball, looking particularly Mardi today.

0:27:530:27:56

Hoopla!

0:27:560:27:58

Hoopla isn't just about Dick and Dom.

0:27:580:28:00

The surprise star of the series has been ride operator,

0:28:000:28:04

Rodney Fortescue Brown.

0:28:040:28:06

But what hidden depths lurk behind this enigmatic face?

0:28:060:28:11

Rodney, how long have you been with the carnival?

0:28:110:28:14

And do you see yourself progressing far within the organisation?

0:28:180:28:21

Rodney, the question on everyone's lips is,

0:28:240:28:27

have you ever loved and lost?

0:28:270:28:29

-Look, would you like a cup of tea?

-Two sugars, please.

0:28:350:28:38

Hoopla!

0:28:380:28:39

# I've lived a life that's full

0:28:390:28:44

# I travelled each and every highway

0:28:450:28:50

# And more

0:28:520:28:54

# Much more than this

0:28:540:28:57

# I did it...

0:28:570:28:59

# My way... #

0:28:590:29:03

Hoopla!

0:29:030:29:05

-DICK WRETCHES

-Gypsy Rose, Dick.

0:29:050:29:08

Another of the carnival's colourful characters.

0:29:080:29:11

Born in Cleethorpes in the late 1960s,

0:29:110:29:15

little else is known of her murky past.

0:29:150:29:17

Every week, you make members of the public eat disgusting foodstuffs.

0:29:170:29:22

Why?

0:29:220:29:23

I think that it's my mission in this world to make people sick.

0:29:230:29:27

There's no sweeter sound than the splatter of vomit

0:29:270:29:30

on the bottom of a bucket.

0:29:300:29:31

Would you like to try this, dear?

0:29:310:29:33

-What's in it?

-Oh, it's all things lovely, you know, strawberries,

0:29:330:29:36

marshmallows, and a fairy's tears.

0:29:360:29:39

Well, if you're sure.

0:29:390:29:41

SLURPS

0:29:410:29:44

WRETCHES

0:29:440:29:46

VOMITS

0:29:460:29:49

DICK WRETCHES AND VOMITS

0:29:490:29:50

Oh, I forgot to mention the tuna paste,

0:30:100:30:13

the pickled gherkin and the out-of-date custard.

0:30:130:30:17

'We asked some other people what they think of Gypsy Rose.'

0:30:170:30:22

Who?

0:30:220:30:23

Beautiful!

0:30:230:30:24

Get over it, will you!

0:30:280:30:30

Hoopla!

0:30:300:30:31

Hold your pint carefully, will you, please, hold your pint.

0:30:310:30:34

Hold your pint carefully, please! Hold your pint carefully!

0:30:340:30:39

Just put your hand round it!

0:30:390:30:42

Right, we're going to mix them up with my mystic mixers. Here we go.

0:30:420:30:46

AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!

0:30:510:30:56

AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!

0:30:560:30:59

I'm not having the whole thing.

0:30:590:31:01

Oh, are you still talking?

0:31:010:31:03

They look lovely today, don't they? Look at that.

0:31:030:31:06

A lemony-coloured one and an orange one.

0:31:060:31:09

Right, Jimmy, you've got custard, marmalade and apple sauce.

0:31:090:31:14

I'm not going to drink any. I'm just going to go...

0:31:140:31:17

I'm not listening to you.

0:31:170:31:18

Tasha's got mayonnaise,

0:31:180:31:21

spaghetti hoops

0:31:210:31:22

and tomato soup. Lovely!

0:31:220:31:24

It'll be lucky, Tasha. The first person to down it

0:31:240:31:27

and stick the empty pint on top of their head is the winner. Go!

0:31:270:31:30

-I'm not drinking that.

-Go!

0:31:300:31:33

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

0:31:330:31:37

She's going to do this. Look, she is beating you.

0:31:370:31:41

She's beating you, Jimmy. She's... I can't believe it.

0:31:410:31:45

She's done it!

0:31:480:31:50

CHEERING

0:31:500:31:55

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:32:000:32:02

-I don't mind gipping but when I see other people...

-That was horrible!

0:32:040:32:08

Will you stop now?!

0:32:080:32:10

We've finished! Get off! Get out of it! Slink yer hook! Go on!

0:32:100:32:14

# Kisses for me

0:32:140:32:16

# Save all your kisses for me

0:32:160:32:18

# So long, honey, so long

0:32:200:32:23

HE BURPS

0:32:230:32:24

# Hang on, baby, hang on

0:32:250:32:28

# Save them for me

0:32:300:32:31

# Even though you're only three... #

0:32:310:32:36

MWAAAAAHHH!

0:32:360:32:39

Cards, cards, bring us luck.

0:32:400:32:42

If you don't, I might chuck!

0:32:420:32:44

Whoah!

0:32:440:32:45

RETCHING AND VOMITING

0:32:450:32:48

LAUGHTER

0:32:480:32:51

Will you clean that up!

0:32:530:32:54

All right. Put your...

0:32:590:33:01

LAUGHTER

0:33:010:33:04

Chair's bust! It put my wig back on!

0:33:040:33:07

Right, take it, then.

0:33:080:33:10

Show 'em at home.

0:33:120:33:14

What you got?

0:33:140:33:15

I can't...! Can you get the ketchup, Jackie?

0:33:150:33:19

I'm stuck.

0:33:190:33:21

Too much bhuna last night.

0:33:210:33:22

Right, here.

0:33:220:33:23

You know what to do.

0:33:230:33:25

Ten seconds. Off you go.

0:33:250:33:27

How many have you had?

0:33:330:33:35

Four?

0:33:350:33:37

'Stop it!'

0:33:370:33:38

Time's up! We'll give you five. Here you are. Give us your pint.

0:33:380:33:41

One, two, three, four, five!

0:33:410:33:45

Right, then - I think that's it.

0:33:450:33:49

It's time to get out.

0:33:500:33:52

Ugh!

0:33:520:33:53

-Look at you, look at you.

-Please look.

0:33:530:33:57

Actually, I am stuck!

0:33:570:33:59

LAUGHTER

0:33:590:34:03

-Stop that, will you?

-What?

-Right.

-I'll leave you.

0:34:030:34:06

You two, hold on to them pints, tightly. Hold on to your lush pint.

0:34:060:34:10

I'm going to get out my rapid mystic mixers.

0:34:100:34:14

Seven speeds. I like 'em on full pelt. Here we go!

0:34:140:34:19

We're going to churn them up, then you've got to down them.

0:34:190:34:23

The one that gets below the line is the winner.

0:34:230:34:25

When you've drunk it all, stick it on top of your head. All right?

0:34:250:34:29

Let's mix!

0:34:290:34:30

HHHHRRRRRRRRRRRR!

0:34:390:34:41

HHHHRRRRRRRRRRRR!

0:34:410:34:43

Hoopla!

0:34:430:34:45

Now, critics have called your show crass, immature...

0:34:450:34:48

What have you got to say to those people?

0:34:480:34:51

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:34:510:35:07

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:35:070:35:09

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:35:090:35:10

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:35:130:35:15

Do you think the show is immature?

0:35:150:35:16

SILLY VOICE: Do you think the show is immature?

0:35:160:35:19

-I'm asking you a question.

-I'm asking you a question.

-Stop it.

0:35:190:35:23

Stop it.

0:35:230:35:24

That's not clever.

0:35:240:35:25

That's not clever.

0:35:250:35:27

My name's Dick and I smell of poo.

0:35:270:35:29

My name's Dick and I smell of poo.

0:35:290:35:32

Hmm.

0:35:320:35:33

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:35:350:35:39

In all seriousness, though, people can say what they like about Hoopla!,

0:35:390:35:43

but I'm telling you, there is nothing silly about it.

0:35:430:35:46

But we've managed to get hold of some footage that's SO silly,

0:35:460:35:49

it didn't even make it to air.

0:35:490:35:52

-HE SIGHS Look, Jeremy... Can I call you Jeremy?

-It isn't my name.

0:35:520:35:55

Look, Jeremy, the thing about Hoopla! is we're in it for the art.

0:35:550:35:59

You'll find nothing but highbrow and intellectual humour here.

0:35:590:36:04

PRRRPPPTTT!

0:36:040:36:06

-Did you just let one go?

-Yes, Jeremy, I did.

0:36:060:36:10

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:36:100:36:14

Hoopla!

0:36:140:36:15

-We

-can

-tell

-you

-a

-story

-about

-anything

-at

-all.

0:36:150:36:20

-Give

-us

-a

-word. Madam.

0:36:200:36:23

-Jumper.

-Jumper.

-Good

-word.

0:36:250:36:29

-I

-once

-made

-a

-jumper

-out

-of

-my

-own

-hair.

0:36:290:36:35

-LAUGHTER

-It

-was

-hideously

-scratchy

0:36:350:36:38

-and

-prone

-to

-smelling,

0:36:380:36:42

-full

-of

-nits

-and

0:36:420:36:45

-itchy

-every

-day

-it

0:36:450:36:49

-got

-wet.

0:36:490:36:51

-Why

-did

-I

-make

-myself

-a

0:36:510:36:55

-hairy

-jumper,

-you

-might

-well

-ask.

0:36:550:36:59

-Because

-I

-am

0:36:590:37:01

daft.

0:37:010:37:02

-Every

-morning

-I

-would

-put

-on

-my

-jumper,

0:37:030:37:08

-add

-trousers

-made

-from

0:37:080:37:13

-nose

-hair,

0:37:130:37:16

-and

-walk

-down

-the

-street

-while

0:37:160:37:20

-children

-pointed.

0:37:200:37:22

-The

-moral

-of

-this

-story

-is,

-fashion

0:37:240:37:28

-changes.

-Keep

-the

-new

0:37:280:37:33

-ideas

-coming.

0:37:330:37:35

APPLAUSE

0:37:350:37:36

-Time

-to

-leave

-you

-with

-a

-song.

0:37:360:37:39

-Hit

-it.

0:37:390:37:41

MUSIC: "Yes Sir, I Can Boogie" by Baccara

0:37:410:37:44

# Mister

0:37:560:37:58

# Your eyes are full of hesitation

0:37:580:38:01

# It makes me wonder

0:38:030:38:06

# Do you know what you're looking for?

0:38:060:38:09

# Baby

0:38:110:38:13

# He wants to keep his reputation

0:38:130:38:17

# He's a sensation

0:38:180:38:20

# You try him once You'll beg for more

0:38:210:38:25

# Oh! Yes, sir

0:38:250:38:28

# He can boogie

0:38:280:38:30

# But he needs a certain song

0:38:300:38:33

# He can boogie

0:38:330:38:36

# Boogie-woogie

0:38:360:38:37

# All night loooooooong

0:38:370:38:42

# Oh, yes, sir He can boogie

0:38:420:38:45

# If you stay you can't go wrong

0:38:450:38:48

# He can boogie

0:38:480:38:50

# Boogie-woogie

0:38:500:38:52

# All night loooooong! #

0:38:520:38:57

SILENCE

0:38:570:38:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:590:39:02

PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

0:39:020:39:05

SHE SIGHS

0:39:050:39:07

# For once I'd like the spotlight to be on me

0:39:090:39:14

# Just for one night

0:39:140:39:16

# When I wasn't wearing this stupid outfit

0:39:160:39:20

# And the audience loved me

0:39:200:39:23

# And I was a big hit

0:39:230:39:24

# I'd love instead to be the girl on the trapeze

0:39:240:39:28

# Wearing a sparkly leotard and swinging in the breeze

0:39:280:39:32

# The people

0:39:320:39:34

# They would ooh and they'd ahh

0:39:340:39:37

# When they saw my hands let go of the bar

0:39:370:39:41

# Instead they come from near and far

0:39:410:39:45

# To see me ride in this...

0:39:450:39:48

-SHE SIGHS

-# Tiny car... #

0:39:480:39:51

I've had enough of this.

0:40:020:40:05

I mean...

0:40:050:40:06

# Hands up who even finds that amusing

0:40:060:40:10

# You see, half of the audience are just sat there snoozing

0:40:100:40:14

# I'd love instead to be the lion, the animal of power

0:40:140:40:18

# Instead of stood here squirting water out of a flower

0:40:180:40:22

# I mean, why do I have to keep doing this, man?

0:40:220:40:25

# This joke is so old it could be my gran... #

0:40:250:40:29

Woo!

0:40:290:40:30

# And when I'm slipping in the water on the floor

0:40:300:40:34

# Are people falling about laughing? Asking me for more?

0:40:340:40:38

# No, they're not You're just staring

0:40:380:40:40

# At a girl who's flailing and wet

0:40:400:40:42

# This clown is someone that they'd rather forget

0:40:420:40:46

AUDIENCE: Awwww!

0:40:460:40:49

# Yeah, well I'm sick of this clowning

0:40:490:40:53

# And I'm bo-ored of this farce

0:40:530:40:57

# Yeah, I want to do something different

0:40:570:41:01

# That will...

0:41:010:41:03

# Make people laugh... #

0:41:030:41:05

OK, I'm going to try this.

0:41:050:41:07

What about if I wore something completely different, not like this?

0:41:070:41:11

OK, OK, right.

0:41:110:41:13

# I could dress like a dinner lady instead

0:41:130:41:17

# And walk around balancing a lasagne on my head... #

0:41:170:41:20

No?

0:41:200:41:22

# And what about my face? Why does it have to look so weird?

0:41:220:41:25

# I reckon it'd be funnier if I just had a beard

0:41:250:41:29

# And a cape, and a monocle

0:41:290:41:31

# And a massive black cat

0:41:310:41:33

# That sat on my head like a big furry hat

0:41:330:41:37

# Oh, yeah, well, I'm sick

0:41:390:41:42

# Of this clowning And I'm bored of this farce... #

0:41:420:41:48

What?

0:41:480:41:49

# I want to do something different that will make people laugh... #

0:41:490:41:56

A FEW CHEERS

0:41:560:41:58

OK, so you're not loving the beard-cat-lasagne combo?

0:41:580:42:01

All right. Let's try something different.

0:42:010:42:03

OK, OK.

0:42:030:42:04

# I'm could do something naughty Mischievous and wrong

0:42:040:42:08

# Something I know would annoy Dick and Dom

0:42:080:42:12

-CHEERING

-# Like go up to their dressing room with a box full of flies

0:42:120:42:16

# Knock on the door Throw them in, shout "surprise!"

0:42:160:42:20

# Dick and Dom Dick and Dom would be quite angry

0:42:210:42:25

# But it'd be worth it

0:42:250:42:27

# It would be really funny... #

0:42:270:42:28

What do you reckon? Shall I do it?

0:42:280:42:30

AUDIENCE: Yes!

0:42:300:42:32

# Yeah, I'm sick of this clowning

0:42:320:42:35

# And I'm bo-o-o-o-ored of this farce, yeah-yeah!

0:42:350:42:39

# I want to do something different that will

0:42:390:42:45

# Make people laugh. #

0:42:450:42:48

Back to work.

0:42:480:42:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:000:43:02

Hoopla!

0:43:020:43:04

We run a very happy ship here.

0:43:040:43:06

If you're having a good time behind the scenes,

0:43:060:43:08

then the public will see that too.

0:43:080:43:10

And ARE you having a good time behind the scenes?

0:43:120:43:15

Oh, yes, yes!

0:43:150:43:17

HE LAUGHS

0:43:170:43:19

A SAD TUNE PLAYS

0:43:210:43:23

HE SOBS

0:43:230:43:25

A good time, yes.

0:43:250:43:28

These moments have been some of the happiest of my life.

0:43:280:43:31

-Really?

-Yeah. Really.

0:43:310:43:33

SAD MUSIC GETS LOUDER

0:43:330:43:37

HE SOBS

0:43:390:43:42

HE SOBS MORE LOUDLY

0:43:420:43:47

HE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

0:43:470:43:52

-SOBBING:

-A good time...

0:43:590:44:01

-SOBBING MORE LOUDLY:

-I'm having the best time!

0:44:010:44:04

HE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

0:44:040:44:07

I'm having a really good...

0:44:070:44:10

HE SOBS VERY LOUDLY

0:44:120:44:17

HE SOBS HYSTERICALLY

0:44:230:44:27

No, I can't...!

0:44:270:44:29

I'm having a good time.

0:44:290:44:31

I'm having a good time...

0:44:310:44:34

I can't cope with it...

0:44:340:44:35

CONTINUES SOBBING

0:44:350:44:37

I can't!

0:44:440:44:45

HE CONTINUES SOBBING

0:44:450:44:50

At this point, we had to temporarily stop recording,

0:44:590:45:02

but here are some other people

0:45:020:45:04

to take your mind off these harrowing scenes.

0:45:040:45:06

Hoopla!

0:45:060:45:07

# Jump up and down And move it all around

0:45:070:45:10

# Shake your head to the sound Put your hands on the ground

0:45:100:45:13

# Take one step left and one step right

0:45:130:45:16

# One to the front and one to the side

0:45:160:45:18

# Clap your hands once and clap your hands twice

0:45:180:45:21

# And if it looks like this then you're doing it right

0:45:210:45:24

# A little bit of Monica in my life

0:45:240:45:27

# A little bit of Eric by my side

0:45:270:45:29

# A little bit of Rita's all I need

0:45:290:45:31

# A little bit of Tina's what I see

0:45:310:45:34

# A little bit of Sandra in the sun

0:45:340:45:37

# A little bit of Mary all night long

0:45:370:45:40

# A little bit of Jessica, here I am

0:45:400:45:43

# A little bit of you makes me your man

0:45:430:45:45

# Oh!

0:45:450:45:46

CHEERING

0:45:480:45:52

# Oh!

0:46:020:46:03

The trumpet!

0:46:070:46:08

# Mambo No. 5! #

0:46:100:46:12

Ha-ha-ha.

0:46:140:46:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:46:150:46:18

JAZZ PLAYS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:46:180:46:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:47:030:47:07

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

0:47:070:47:09

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:47:090:47:12

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:47:520:47:55

SLOWER DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:47:550:47:59

MUSIC STOPS

0:48:240:48:26

# Stop! Hammer time!

0:48:260:48:27

# Go with the flow in a spin if you can't move to this

0:48:270:48:30

# Then you probably are dead

0:48:300:48:31

# So wave your hands in the air Bust through the moves

0:48:310:48:33

# Run your fingers through your hair This is it for a winner

0:48:330:48:36

# Dance to this and you're gonna get thinner... #

0:48:360:48:38

NEEDLE SCRATCHING ON RECORD

0:48:380:48:39

MUSIC: "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion

0:48:390:48:43

# You're here

0:48:450:48:48

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:48:480:48:49

# There's nothing I fear... #

0:48:490:48:52

NEEDLE SCRATCHING ON RECORD

0:48:520:48:54

HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS

0:48:540:48:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:49:160:49:20

A JOLLY TUNE PLAYS

0:49:220:49:26

# Oh, we sailed out from Alaska on our way to Puget Sound

0:49:270:49:31

# The skipper went aloft and said he'd take a look around

0:49:310:49:35

# When he came down his face looked like he'd smelled an awful smell

0:49:350:49:38

# And then he called all hands on deck and we all heard him yell

0:49:380:49:42

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

0:49:420:49:46

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

0:49:460:49:49

# I'll knock him for a loop That silly nincompoop

0:49:490:49:53

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

0:49:530:49:56

# Then old second mate Kit Hornson said, what is this scuttlebutt?

0:50:000:50:04

# No, I think I'll go and look just for the halibut

0:50:040:50:07

# When he came down he said Boys, this will be a smelly trip

0:50:070:50:11

# If we don't find that halibut we'd better burn the ship

0:50:110:50:15

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

0:50:150:50:18

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

0:50:180:50:22

# My nose tells me it's there but I've looked everywhere

0:50:220:50:26

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

0:50:260:50:29

# Then up stepped Knut Knutson He is tougher than a boot

0:50:340:50:38

# He said, I'll find that halibut or my name ain't Knut

0:50:380:50:42

# And 15 minutes later he had found where it was stored

0:50:420:50:45

# And 20 seagulls fainted when we threw it overboard

0:50:450:50:49

Everybody!

0:50:490:50:50

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

0:50:500:50:53

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

0:50:530:50:57

# We never, never knew What screwball in the crew

0:50:570:51:02

# Who had hid the halibut on the poop deck. #

0:51:030:51:08

Ta. Ta.

0:51:080:51:10

Don't forget to visit the gift shop.

0:51:100:51:12

Hoopla!

0:51:120:51:15

Heh. Hah. This is where it all happens.

0:51:150:51:17

The big culmination of the show. The Finaleval.

0:51:170:51:20

Yes, the Finaleval has everything -

0:51:200:51:22

tooth-brushing, people doing silly actions, the Lion With No Pride...

0:51:220:51:26

Anyway, I'm really proud of the Finaleval

0:51:310:51:33

because when I came up with the idea for it...

0:51:330:51:36

-Hang on a minute!

-I

-came up with the idea.

-No, you did not. I did.

0:51:360:51:39

-I'm the one that brushes my teeth.

-Liar. Take that back. It was me.

0:51:390:51:43

-It was me.

-It was me.

-Me.

-Me.

-Me.

-Me.

-Ah!

0:51:430:51:46

FIGHTING SOUND EFFECTS

0:51:460:51:48

Naughty, bad, naughty, bad, weird, naughty, bad...

0:51:480:51:55

Help.

0:51:550:51:56

Hoopla!

0:51:570:51:59

# I am the best in the world

0:51:590:52:01

# The best in the world

0:52:010:52:02

# The very best at...

0:52:020:52:05

-Like you're being attacked by a swarm of wasps.

-Go.

0:52:050:52:09

BBBBZZZZZZZZ!

0:52:090:52:10

HE WHIMPERS

0:52:100:52:12

The more you put into it, the more points you'll get. Oh!

0:52:160:52:20

What are you doing, man?

0:52:220:52:25

-Quick, next.

-Amy, go.

-Forget your mates are watching. Go for it.

0:52:250:52:28

-SHE SCREAMS

-That is it. That is it.

0:52:280:52:31

SHE SCREAMS

0:52:310:52:33

Are you not scared of wasps, Amy?

0:52:360:52:38

Listen, if I was being chased by wasps, I wouldn't be doing this.

0:52:380:52:42

Phoebe, it's your turn, go! Next!

0:52:430:52:46

Ooh, ow, ow, ooh, ow - that's it.

0:52:460:52:48

-SHE SQUEALS

-Ooh, ow, the waspies.

0:52:480:52:51

DICK AND DOM: Brilliant!

0:52:540:52:57

Being extremely scary.

0:52:570:52:59

He's poking his own eyes out. What?

0:53:020:53:05

Hang on a minute. Wait. Stop.

0:53:050:53:08

I think he still feels a little bit silly.

0:53:080:53:11

Yes.

0:53:110:53:12

-Carry on.

-Next!

0:53:120:53:14

-Ooh. Glasses are off.

-Good lad.

-There.

-Here he goes.

0:53:140:53:18

-Ah!

-Look at that.

0:53:180:53:20

He belongs with Roger Malcolm, to be totally honest. Next.

0:53:200:53:25

VACUUM NOISE

0:53:250:53:27

Oh, she's doing it again! Your head's going to blow off, stop!

0:53:270:53:30

This time it is gargling, so, Claire, take a swig of this,

0:53:300:53:33

and do the best tune you can with water in your mouth.

0:53:330:53:37

Head back.

0:53:370:53:39

Go!

0:53:390:53:40

SILENCE

0:53:400:53:42

LAUGHTER

0:53:420:53:43

-You're not supposed to spit it out, woman!

-Claire, you mucky old pig!

0:53:430:53:48

Here you go, my love. I'll give it a wipe. Take some water.

0:53:480:53:53

-Health and safety...

-Is that all you want? Get a mouthful, lad!

0:53:530:53:57

Gargle.

0:53:570:53:58

HE GARGLES

0:53:580:54:01

Whay! APPLAUSE

0:54:050:54:08

There you are. Give it a wipe.

0:54:080:54:11

A nice wipe on your sweaty jacket.

0:54:110:54:13

SHE GARGLES

0:54:130:54:15

She's swallowed it.

0:54:160:54:18

You've got to speak in your own made-up language. Go.

0:54:180:54:22

Hwah thwah paz por da pla thaw plah.

0:54:220:54:27

-What language is it?

-Sophie.

0:54:270:54:30

-Sophie language, very good.

-Next!

0:54:300:54:33

Ba deer door di da dun din von see for toopa toodee...

0:54:330:54:37

Hang on a minute.

0:54:370:54:38

I think that does actually exist as a language, you know.

0:54:380:54:41

Ask a question.

0:54:410:54:42

Der door ben battaya a lulu palala lalalala?

0:54:420:54:45

SHE GIGGLES

0:54:450:54:47

-What? Come on - this is your...

-Fa de door beh say shoor.

0:54:470:54:50

-Not in front of the nice boys and girls, OK?

-So next! Ruben.

0:54:500:54:54

Theh theh theh theh theh theh...

0:54:540:54:57

-Rubbish.

-Shall we make him do it for another five minutes?

-Yeah!

0:54:570:55:01

Theh theh theh theh theh theh...

0:55:010:55:04

At the end of each Finaleval,

0:55:040:55:06

the players are attacked by a very wrong clown, called Cyril.

0:55:060:55:10

How on earth can you justify this, week after week?

0:55:100:55:13

Look, Jeremy, we can't tell Cyril what to do.

0:55:130:55:16

No, Jeremy, we can't stop him.

0:55:160:55:20

Don't you think you have a moral responsibility?

0:55:200:55:23

Well, if I knew what that meant I would answer that question,

0:55:230:55:26

but I don't, so I'll just say blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.

0:55:260:55:29

Look, Jeremy, the thing about Cyril is he's just very misunderstood.

0:55:290:55:34

Hoopla!

0:55:340:55:35

MUSIC: "Adagio for Strings" by Samuel Barber

0:55:380:55:44

So there you are, everything you needed to know about Hoopla! -

0:56:370:56:40

-the happiest show in the world.

-It's bright.

-Bright.

0:56:400:56:43

-It's cheery.

-Cheery.

-And most of all, nobody got hurt.

0:56:430:56:46

See you all soon. Ta-ta.

0:56:460:56:48

SCREAMING

0:56:480:56:53

Hang on, I don't understand - those contestants who don't win,

0:56:530:56:57

the ones just lying on the stage at the end of the show,

0:56:570:57:00

-what happens to them?

-Ah!

0:57:000:57:03

Would you care for some meaty stew, Jeremy? It's very fresh.

0:57:050:57:09

DOM LAUGHS EVILLY

0:57:090:57:13

Hoopla!

0:57:390:57:40

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:57:400:57:44

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