Episode 10 Dick and Dom's Hoopla

Hoopla!

# Fire up the van and hit the open road

# We're putting on a show from a travelling abode

# Fabulous feats that are crazy and colourful

# Prepare to be amazed by the weird and the wonderful

# Hoopla

# Everybody shout Hoopla

# All together now, Hoopla

# Everybody loves Hoopla

# They'll be magic, mayhem mystery, suspense

# Prizes, surprises It's going to be immense

# From Matlock to Margate Pontefract to Perth

# It's simply going to be the greatest show on Earth

# Hoopla

# Everybody shout Hoopla

# All together now, Hoopla

# Everybody loves Hoopla. #

Prepare to be amazed!

BOTH: Hoopla!

Dick and Dom's Hoopla, a show of unbelievable sights,

-of exciting musical treats...

-Now, play!

..of weird, terrifying, vomit-inducing games,

and at the show's heart, two of the most wonderful beings

ever to tread the soils of this fair planet.

BOTH: Hoopla!

But what do we really know about Hoopla?

Where did it come from? What does it mean?

And why...

well, just why?

Join us for the next hour as we strive to discover

The Truth About Dick & Dom's Hoopla!

It's Thursday at 3am,

and Dick is looking after the acts in this week's show.

GROANING

Shurrup and eat your fish!

GRUNTING

The acts are the life blood of the show,

we've got acrobats, comedians, jugglers,

the best of the best, really,

and we have to take extra special care of them.

Their well-being is so important to us.

DOM GRUNTS

-Not again!

-He'll be all right once he's had a cup of tea.

No, he won't.

DICK WHISTLES

I've got a little mask for you here.

If you stand about here, John, stop backing off like that,

you've got to be far forward, you're in the show now,

that goes on there. Beautiful, beautiful.

This fits on the facial area.

Near the nasal region, there we go.

Let me see, let's make you more comfortable, is that OK?

-GRUFF VOICE:

-'Oh, yeah, yeah!'

Are you OK?

'Oh, yes! I'm excited now, yeah!'

So am I!

Give everyone a wave over there.

'Hello! Hello, ladies! All right!'

'Hello, ladies! I like the ladies!'

Oh, really? He likes the ladies.

'I know, yeah. I like all the pretty ladies!'

Hey, all right, John.

Don't worry, Nicky, I'm not missing you out. I've got one for you.

Oh, beautiful! Look at that. Come here, let's try that on there.

Beautiful, that fits on there. Fantastic. Look at that.

LAUGHTER

That's... Oh, I nearly forgot, I've got this as well!

Now, come here, Nicky.

It's all right, I'm not going to make anybody wear this,

it's uncomfortable. It's hot under these lights and it's moth-eaten

and flea-ridden. Nobody wants to wear this.

-SQUEAKY VOICE:

-'I do!'

Really?

-NICKY:

-'I do! I do! I do! Please! Me! Me! Me! Me!'

Really?

-NICKY:

-'Yeah!'

-NICKY:

-'It's going to bring back so many memories!

-NICKY:

-'Yay, hee-hee! Hee-hee!

-NICKY:

-'Ha-ha-ha!'

-NICKY:

-'Ooh, you're making me laugh!' Good!

In this case, literally!

-NICKY:

-'Yeah!'

Come a bit closer, Nicky.

Let's try that on, fantastic. Oh! Look at that.

-NICKY:

-'Yeah, beautiful, beautiful!

-NICKY:

-'I've always wanted to be ginger!'

Yeah...

-NICKY:

-'Again!' OK, right.

-NICKY:

-'Hee-hee-hee!'

You've gone quiet, John.

-JOHN:

-'I know!'

-JOHN:

-'I'm just checking out the ladies! All right!'

John, we haven't got long, we've got to hurry up! He likes the ladies.

-NICKY:

-'I know!'

Do you like the ladies?

-NICKY:

-'Not really, no.'

'I'm not bothered, no.'

What are you going to do, then?

'We're going to sing a song.'

Really?

-You're doing a song?

-NICKY:

-'Yeah!'

-You as well?

-JOHN:

-'Oh, yeah!'

And you're both singing it? 'Yeah!' 'Yeah!' 'Yeah!' 'Yeah!'

Together? 'Yeah!' 'Yeah!' 'Yeah!'

-At the same time?

-JOHN:

-'Oh, yeah! Yeah!'

I'm quite keen to see how I do this myself.

Let's manoeuvre you into position, OK.

We're going to go for the big song. Are you ready?

-NICKY:

-'Yeah, I was born ready.'

One, two...

-JOHN:

-# I like to move it, move it

# I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it

# I'm too sexy for my shirt Too sexy for my shirt! #

Hey, John!

You're getting carried away.

-Did I count to three then?

-NICKY:

-'You didn't.'

-I didn't, did I?

-NICKY:

-'No, you didn't.'

-NICKY:

-'You didn't.'

-No, you sound like Orville.

-NICKY:

-'I know, you didn't.'

We're going to sit you both down, now.

-NICKY:

-'No, I want to stay here!' Really?

'Yes, I want this to last for ever.'

-NICKY:

-'I want to do a solo!'

Yeah? So you're going to sing?

-NICKY:

-'Yeah.' You're not going to sing, are you? JOHN: 'No!'

-JOHN:

-'I'm going to dance.' Oh, really?

LAUGHTER

# Boom box

# Never go anywhere without my boom box

# Sitting having breakfast chilling with my boom box

# Hold up, take a minute Listen to my boom box

# All the boys gather round just to see my boom box

# Ain't no way you're going to turn me down, boom box

# Love it when the speakers go kapow, boom box

# Everybody's looking at it They wish they had it

# Never heard anything this loud

# Boom box

# I want to, want to Want to hear my boom box

# From the car, to my room To the rooftops

# I want to, want to Want to hear my boom box

# All I need is me and my boom box

# It makes me go Boom, b-b-boom, boom, boom

# Yeah, it makes me go Boom, b-boom, b-boom, boom

# It makes me go Boom, b-b-boom, boom, boom

# It makes me go Boom, b-boom, b-boom, boom

# Boom box. #

Now, in the show,

you challenge members of the public to take part in a variety of games.

Yes, that's right.

It's our chance to give something back to the people,

giving them their chance to shine in the spotlight and to be honest,

we are inundated with requests to participate.

Madam!

Would you like to take part in Uncle Dom's Teeth-Pulling Challenge?

-Oh, I'd rather not.

-Good! What's your name?

-Er, Amanda?

Amanda, huh? Paul, Jenny, Helen,

we ain't got an Amanda, you'll have to be Bernard.

-Oh, please, I really don't want to...

-Shut up, Bernard!

Some of the games look fairly dangerous.

Ha-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

I mean, at the end of the day, what is safety?

Look, we take everyone's safety very seriously on this show!

Every contestant is vetted

to make sure they're fully fit for the challenge.

-Do you have a phobia of clowns?

-Yes!

-Any chronic health problems?

-Yes!

Are you allergic to any of the following substances?

-Cold mashed potata!

-Yes.

-Rancid kipper heads?

-Ooh, yes!

-Otter's milk?

-Yes.

-Well, you're doing it anyway.

-Please don't make me.

-BOTH: Shut up, Bernard!

-What's the second challenge?

-Second challenge is a Star Jump Challenge.

The star jump. For the stupid viewers at home,

what is a star-jump?

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS

Brilliant, OK. So, who's going to go first? I think it's going to be Sam.

If you step forward, and we're going to see

how many you can do in 20 seconds.

-You get a point for every one that you do. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

Your time starts now.

BELL RINGS

OK, well done, Sam.

-So, Lewis, how many did Sam manage to do?

-26.

-26!

-Can you see anything?

-No.

-Good. Turn to face that way.

OK, so, Round One!

Here's the clue.

'Has a sharp tongue but always takes his friends on holiday.'

Kiss or punch?

-'Ow, that hurt.'

-He punched Simon Cowell! One point!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Round Two!

OK, so...

'Fluffy on the outside but can scratch for no reason.'

Kiss or punch?

Kiss! You kissed a kitten! One point.

Round Three.

OK.

LAUGHTER

Shurrup!

'The world's second best double act!'

No, don't cheer! No, you punched Ant & Dec! That's bad!

No, you don't get any points for that. Naughty!

OK, Round Four.

'Terrible skin but good with recipes.'

No! You kissed a witch!

No points, and that's the end of your round.

Blindfold off, you got two points.

BOTH: Cackamanga!

Come on, then.

# You can run but you can't hide

# From the Hand of Cackamanga

# If you don't slip you'll certainly not slide

# You'll be waving your fist in anger

# Sam has gone, Sam has gone

# Cos he got the Hand of Cackamanga

# George has gone, he's gone away

# He got slapped by the Cackamanga Hand

# You can dodge... #

Whoa!

# Don't look away cos it needs its prey

# The Hand of Cackamanga

# Cackamanga, Steven's gone down

# Cackamanga, Cackamanga. #

BOTH: We rule! We rule!

# Ca-ca-ca, Cackamanga

# You have no choice

# You got no time to put your coat on, Anga

# Cackamanga, Cackamanga

# Feel the smack of the handy wanga

# If you think that you can dodge

# If you think that you can dodge

# If you dream of winning the prize

# And for now you've gone

# Cackamanga, Cackamanga

# Cacka-Cacka-Cacka-Ca-Cackamanga

# Wow, Tia and Eve, say good eve

# You gone...! #

Stop! That way!

# Look out boy, look out girl

# Cackamanga's going to crush your world

# Drive away, you can't get far

# Don't be dumb It's only a bumper car

# Drive real fast and dodge the goo

# But in the end the hand will come down on you

# Ian, you're gone

# We got a winner! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen! Look, look!

Whoa, whoa! You haven't got her!

-I can't move!

-Get back in the cars!

And you're playing and all!

We don't have a winner!

# Winner! #

A-a-a-agh!

# No, no, we don't have a winner

# No, no, we don't have a winner

# No, no, we don't have a winner

# You've got the Hand of Cackamanga

# No, we don't have a winner

# Going to get ya... #

We have a winner, we have a winner!

I won!

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner is Amy!

Come along, let's meet Contestant Number Two!

-Hello, Contestant Number Two, what's your name, m'dear?

-It's Kate.

-Kate.

-That's a lovely name. Do you spook easily, Kate?

-Sometimes.

-Sometimes.

What about if Jedward were in your wardrobe

-doing a very tricky crossword wearing shiny shoes?

-Not really.

I think that would be very spooky, I'd phone the police.

You know what's going on, you can't spill this juice from your headgear,

and when you're inside the ghost train,

-whatever you do, don't touch your helmet, do you understand?

-Yeah.

All right, then. Very best of luck.

Before you go in the ghost train, I've got to give you a ding, so...

SINGS GIBBERISH

That was a very strange vocal delivery from me, but there we are.

Off we go. Shove off!

SPOOKY MANIACAL LAUGHTER

I don't know what's going on.

'Double history every single day.'

Two centimetres to beat. Will she do it?

HIGH-PITCHED EVIL LAUGHTER

-B'a-a-a-agh!

-A-a-a-agh!

A scream! A scream! Yes!

FANFARE AND APPLAUSE

Gabriel, you're very naughty.

I scared her, Roger, I scared her.

You did scare her, very well done.

Right, Kate, if you just very carefully step out.

Oh, dearie me, there's juice everywhere.

Gabriel, did she cheat inside there?

No, she was very good, she never touched the helmet

and didn't let any juice out.

Good, very good, Kate. Look at her, very tactical. Hang on a minute.

Two...look, you look spooky and scared now, Kate.

This is marvellous. Right, let's just measure.

Two centimetres to beat...

Let's have a look. Oh, and four of your Earth centimetres.

Which means Kate's the winner!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, Kate, step down onto the pants of Eggbetmar,

the ghost of all things spooky.

Will you put this over your head and do a nice hula dance?

But only when I start singing. OK, are you ready? Here we go.

# Gimme that, gimme that Gimme, gimme, gimme that

# Gimme that ding Gimme that, gimme, gimme that

# Gimme that ding Gimme that, gimme, gimme that

# Gimme, gimme, gimme that

# Ding. #

Oh, wasn't that absolutely adorable?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's...what...what are you doing?

HE GIGGLES

Pick a celebrity.

Erm, I'll choose...

IMITATING HIM: I'll choose...

Which one d'you like the look of?

-You've got Kylie over there, Fearne Cotton, Madonna...

-Him?

Who do you think that is?

Erm, Mr Pig?

Yeah, go for Mr Pig!

LAUGHTER

-It's Brian Cox, go.

-'Hey, hey, mate!'

No, that's Cheryl Cole, higher!

BOTH: Ooh!

-'Oh, nearly.'

-BOTH: Ooh!

So, unfortunately, no, wait, come here!

Come here! I'm going to get you! Come on!

Ha-ha-ha!

OK, you little...oi!

LAUGHTER

Just watch it, you!

Richard McCourt, known to everyone as Dick.

Superstar, inspiration, legend...

are just some of the words he has learned recently,

thanks to his new pocket dictionary.

But what is it that makes Dick tick?

I am just a man of simple pleasures, there's nothing starry about me.

Here.

WHAT is that?

Decaf skinny soya latte.

A decaf skinny soya latte WHAT?

-Oh, a decaf skinny soya latte, ma'am.

-That's better.

DOM STIFLES LAUGHTER

-Where are the chocolate sprinkles?

-You said you didn't want any.

Well, I changed my mind when you were out!

-Oh.

-How can you not understand that? Get out of my sight!

-Or I'll send you back to Wolverhampton.

-Yes.

Ah. Ooh, it's really rather lovely.

Well, what can you say about a man like Dick? I mean...

He's got a face. Arms, legs...

That's about it, really.

DICK CRIES

CLEARS HIS THROAT

So, who came up with the idea for Hoopla?

Guilty.

It was me!

You see, I just wanted to change people's perceptions of me.

The media portrayed me as some kind of fool,

a fool that wears ridiculous clothing and rolls around on the floor.

-I'd like to think this show has changed all that.

-Hoopla!

Listen, he has got the only pectoral muscles

that can do something very special.

They do this...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

BOUNCING SOUND

LAUGHTER

CONTINUOUS BOUNCING NOISES

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

He hasn't got a six-pack, he's got a one pack!

It looks like a swollen outy belly button and it does this...

WOBBLY NOISES

LAUGHTER

BOUNCING NOISES

Come with me. Mind your step, get your leg over the step.

Right, onto the assault course, there we go.

OK, Michael, looking for a good, strong effort, OK?

Get motivated, let me see your war face!

-SCREAMS

-That's it, good man.

Remember, you're in front of the jammy rods. Your time starts now, go.

Right, go. Get on with it. Come on, get yourself through, good.

Keep moving! Keep moving!

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

There's your rod, there's the rod. BUZZING NOISE

Ah! You've touched it, 30 second penalty.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

It's a good effort.

No, wait for it!

Mind the guillotine. Get on the floor!

LAUGHTER

-Get under the...

-Not that way!

-Get up.

-You stupid man. Not that way.

-This way!

-That way!

-Under the trap.

-Keep moving.

Get right under. Down. Get down more, down more!

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-Get back here!

-You've got to crawl...

-Get up on your feet!

Mind the punchbag.

Mind the punchbag.

DICK LAUGHS

-Oi!

-Stop.

-Ah, you've done it!

GONG

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLING FROM AUDIENCE

Baby Dick's got his nappy stuck.

LAUGHTER

-COMMENTATOR:

-Well, look at this.

Was it a sensible outfit to wear?

-Have you, have you soiled yourself?

-I'm stuck to it. I'm stuck on it...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Where's my stick gone?

-This could end messily.

-You naughty baby!

SPANKING NOISES

I don't know what he's doing, but it is an absolute shambles.

Right, Phoebe, congratulations.

You are the winner of the next Golden Hoopla Hoop!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Going on...three, two, one.

Hoopla!

MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

Clowns, take her away!

We'll see you later in the Finaleval. Goodbye.

-What are you doing?

-Huh...

DOM LAUGHS

Hoopla!

Dominic Wood, a man.

Some call him the beating heart of the carnival.

Some call him the soul of the show.

Others call him to discuss his current mobile phone payment plan.

I've never liked him.

-How would you describe yourself in one word?

-Very nice.

No, that's two words.

I know, I was just testing you.

-So, how would you describe yourself in one word?

-Very nice.

'Dick and I have a very close working relationship.

'I think that's an important factor

'in the continuing success of the show.'

Hello and welcome to the town of Milkmaidrawtrumps!

Listen, if you're, um, not doing anything, maybe, tonight,

you can come round to mine for a curry and a chick flick.

What have I told you? Don't bother me, ever!

-No, don't touch me!

-Yes, good point.

Er... yes.

-Stop it!

-Yes.

Throughout the course of the show, have you ever felt uncomfortable?

Never. No.

Hoopla!

Roll up, roll up!

This man can guess your age using the power of his mind, guaranteed!

Whatever you do, don't make me look stupid.

-All right?

-All right.

-Off we go!

-38.

-34.

-Oh! Bit hard.

-Next!

Er, what, six?

-Seven.

-Oh!

-Next!

-Bit hard!

30, er, 34.

-29.

-Next!

Seven.

-Seven.

-Hey!

-Next!

-Seven.

Show them! Show them! At home!

-Seven.

-Get out.

-Go on!

Next.

28.

32.

Next!

Bit hard. 39.

-32.

-Next!

No wait, wait, wait.

-11.

-11.

-Ooh!

-What?

Next!

53?

14.

Oh...

DISTANT CHIME

You... You made me... You've made me look stupid.

I've had enough of you.

It's me. Look.

You've made me look stu...

CHIMING CONTINUES

CAT MEOWS

SCREAMS

Here we go. Oh,

lovely early run by the Hairy.

That's a poor start though, isn't it, John?

Well, look at it now, because the Peaches seem to be...

Good from the Peaches, getting down the wing.

-Over the line.

-Yes, straight away.

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLE

-Absolutely textbook.

-What was nice about that, John,

is they played it out wide, they got it down the wing,

which is where they should be getting it.

But they left a man up front, one at the back.

-They did. And...

-This is good play. The Reds...

-WHISTLE

-Here we go again.

-Now...

-SCREAMING

-Oh...

-That's a foul, I think.

The referee's showing a yellow card, now he's showing red.

He doesn't know what he's doing, this young man here.

On the pitch there's some very exciting activity,

-very close to the line.

-Oh!

-And again! Two-nil.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Excellent...

-What I'd say, John, at this point...

-Yes.

..is I think it's going to be a runaway success for the Peaches.

-It might well be.

-That's what might happen here.

There's a lot more time to play.

The Reds, quite frankly, are all over the place.

-They don't know what they're doing.

-I think...

They don't know what they're doing, John.

I'm not going to argue, but hang on a minute...

But saying that, this could be their comeback.

-They're fighting back.

-It's virtually an own goal.

What I would say is that time,

I really don't think the Greens knew what they were doing.

Fair enough, Brian,

but I think Rebecca and John did very well there.

Dick's in a real mess there.

-Oh no, he's not doing it.

-He's got him out.

At least he's back in play.

-Back in the arena.

-Go on, Dom!

WHISTLE

So, quite a lot to play for here, John.

And look at this runaway time...

Nobody's moving. Look at Dom go.

Well, this is absolutely extraordinary.

I have to say to you there, John, about that...

The Peaches didn't know where they were.

They haven't regrouped.

-They left nobody back.

-No.

-They were stood standing.

-No plan.

-There's no time for that in this game, John.

We're back on. Two-all, all to play for.

HONKING SOUND

In go the Hairys.

Well, it's got messy, but... Rebecca and John broke there!

They're going for it. Oh, no, they've lost it.

They've played it out wide.

And the crowd are angry...

What I would say is the big fella, there, John,

is carrying a bit too much weight.

-He needs to lose some.

-Well...

-He needs to lose it, John!

-Oh...

MUSIC CUTS OUT

What now?

Two-all. All to play for.

In goes the Dom ball, looking particularly Mardi today.

Hoopla!

Hoopla isn't just about Dick and Dom.

The surprise star of the series has been ride operator,

Rodney Fortescue Brown.

But what hidden depths lurk behind this enigmatic face?

Rodney, how long have you been with the carnival?

And do you see yourself progressing far within the organisation?

Rodney, the question on everyone's lips is,

have you ever loved and lost?

-Look, would you like a cup of tea?

-Two sugars, please.

Hoopla!

# I've lived a life that's full

# I travelled each and every highway

# And more

# Much more than this

# I did it...

# My way... #

Hoopla!

-DICK WRETCHES

-Gypsy Rose, Dick.

Another of the carnival's colourful characters.

Born in Cleethorpes in the late 1960s,

little else is known of her murky past.

Every week, you make members of the public eat disgusting foodstuffs.

Why?

I think that it's my mission in this world to make people sick.

There's no sweeter sound than the splatter of vomit

on the bottom of a bucket.

Would you like to try this, dear?

-What's in it?

-Oh, it's all things lovely, you know, strawberries,

marshmallows, and a fairy's tears.

Well, if you're sure.

SLURPS

WRETCHES

VOMITS

DICK WRETCHES AND VOMITS

Oh, I forgot to mention the tuna paste,

the pickled gherkin and the out-of-date custard.

'We asked some other people what they think of Gypsy Rose.'

Who?

Beautiful!

Get over it, will you!

Hoopla!

Hold your pint carefully, will you, please, hold your pint.

Hold your pint carefully, please! Hold your pint carefully!

Just put your hand round it!

Right, we're going to mix them up with my mystic mixers. Here we go.

AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!

AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!

I'm not having the whole thing.

Oh, are you still talking?

They look lovely today, don't they? Look at that.

A lemony-coloured one and an orange one.

Right, Jimmy, you've got custard, marmalade and apple sauce.

I'm not going to drink any. I'm just going to go...

I'm not listening to you.

Tasha's got mayonnaise,

spaghetti hoops

and tomato soup. Lovely!

It'll be lucky, Tasha. The first person to down it

and stick the empty pint on top of their head is the winner. Go!

-I'm not drinking that.

-Go!

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

She's going to do this. Look, she is beating you.

She's beating you, Jimmy. She's... I can't believe it.

She's done it!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-I don't mind gipping but when I see other people...

-That was horrible!

Will you stop now?!

We've finished! Get off! Get out of it! Slink yer hook! Go on!

# Kisses for me

# Save all your kisses for me

# So long, honey, so long

HE BURPS

# Hang on, baby, hang on

# Save them for me

# Even though you're only three... #

MWAAAAAHHH!

Cards, cards, bring us luck.

If you don't, I might chuck!

Whoah!

RETCHING AND VOMITING

LAUGHTER

Will you clean that up!

All right. Put your...

LAUGHTER

Chair's bust! It put my wig back on!

Right, take it, then.

Show 'em at home.

What you got?

I can't...! Can you get the ketchup, Jackie?

I'm stuck.

Too much bhuna last night.

Right, here.

You know what to do.

Ten seconds. Off you go.

How many have you had?

Four?

'Stop it!'

Time's up! We'll give you five. Here you are. Give us your pint.

One, two, three, four, five!

Right, then - I think that's it.

It's time to get out.

Ugh!

-Look at you, look at you.

-Please look.

Actually, I am stuck!

LAUGHTER

-Stop that, will you?

-What?

-Right.

-I'll leave you.

You two, hold on to them pints, tightly. Hold on to your lush pint.

I'm going to get out my rapid mystic mixers.

Seven speeds. I like 'em on full pelt. Here we go!

We're going to churn them up, then you've got to down them.

The one that gets below the line is the winner.

When you've drunk it all, stick it on top of your head. All right?

Let's mix!

HHHHRRRRRRRRRRRR!

HHHHRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Hoopla!

Now, critics have called your show crass, immature...

What have you got to say to those people?

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Do you think the show is immature?

SILLY VOICE: Do you think the show is immature?

-I'm asking you a question.

-I'm asking you a question.

-Stop it.

Stop it.

That's not clever.

That's not clever.

My name's Dick and I smell of poo.

My name's Dick and I smell of poo.

Hmm.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

In all seriousness, though, people can say what they like about Hoopla!,

but I'm telling you, there is nothing silly about it.

But we've managed to get hold of some footage that's SO silly,

it didn't even make it to air.

-HE SIGHS Look, Jeremy... Can I call you Jeremy?

-It isn't my name.

Look, Jeremy, the thing about Hoopla! is we're in it for the art.

You'll find nothing but highbrow and intellectual humour here.

PRRRPPPTTT!

-Did you just let one go?

-Yes, Jeremy, I did.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Hoopla!

-We

-can

-tell

-you

-a

-story

-about

-anything

-at

-all.

-Give

-us

-a

-word. Madam.

-Jumper.

-Jumper.

-Good

-word.

-I

-once

-made

-a

-jumper

-out

-of

-my

-own

-hair.

-LAUGHTER

-It

-was

-hideously

-scratchy

-and

-prone

-to

-smelling,

-full

-of

-nits

-and

-itchy

-every

-day

-it

-got

-wet.

-Why

-did

-I

-make

-myself

-a

-hairy

-jumper,

-you

-might

-well

-ask.

-Because

-I

-am

daft.

-Every

-morning

-I

-would

-put

-on

-my

-jumper,

-add

-trousers

-made

-from

-nose

-hair,

-and

-walk

-down

-the

-street

-while

-children

-pointed.

-The

-moral

-of

-this

-story

-is,

-fashion

-changes.

-Keep

-the

-new

-ideas

-coming.

APPLAUSE

-Time

-to

-leave

-you

-with

-a

-song.

-Hit

-it.

MUSIC: "Yes Sir, I Can Boogie" by Baccara

# Mister

# Your eyes are full of hesitation

# It makes me wonder

# Do you know what you're looking for?

# Baby

# He wants to keep his reputation

# He's a sensation

# You try him once You'll beg for more

# Oh! Yes, sir

# He can boogie

# But he needs a certain song

# He can boogie

# Boogie-woogie

# All night loooooooong

# Oh, yes, sir He can boogie

# If you stay you can't go wrong

# He can boogie

# Boogie-woogie

# All night loooooong! #

SILENCE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

SHE SIGHS

# For once I'd like the spotlight to be on me

# Just for one night

# When I wasn't wearing this stupid outfit

# And the audience loved me

# And I was a big hit

# I'd love instead to be the girl on the trapeze

# Wearing a sparkly leotard and swinging in the breeze

# The people

# They would ooh and they'd ahh

# When they saw my hands let go of the bar

# Instead they come from near and far

# To see me ride in this...

-SHE SIGHS

-# Tiny car... #

I've had enough of this.

I mean...

# Hands up who even finds that amusing

# You see, half of the audience are just sat there snoozing

# I'd love instead to be the lion, the animal of power

# Instead of stood here squirting water out of a flower

# I mean, why do I have to keep doing this, man?

# This joke is so old it could be my gran... #

Woo!

# And when I'm slipping in the water on the floor

# Are people falling about laughing? Asking me for more?

# No, they're not You're just staring

# At a girl who's flailing and wet

# This clown is someone that they'd rather forget

AUDIENCE: Awwww!

# Yeah, well I'm sick of this clowning

# And I'm bo-ored of this farce

# Yeah, I want to do something different

# That will...

# Make people laugh... #

OK, I'm going to try this.

What about if I wore something completely different, not like this?

OK, OK, right.

# I could dress like a dinner lady instead

# And walk around balancing a lasagne on my head... #

No?

# And what about my face? Why does it have to look so weird?

# I reckon it'd be funnier if I just had a beard

# And a cape, and a monocle

# And a massive black cat

# That sat on my head like a big furry hat

# Oh, yeah, well, I'm sick

# Of this clowning And I'm bored of this farce... #

What?

# I want to do something different that will make people laugh... #

A FEW CHEERS

OK, so you're not loving the beard-cat-lasagne combo?

All right. Let's try something different.

OK, OK.

# I'm could do something naughty Mischievous and wrong

# Something I know would annoy Dick and Dom

-CHEERING

-# Like go up to their dressing room with a box full of flies

# Knock on the door Throw them in, shout "surprise!"

# Dick and Dom Dick and Dom would be quite angry

# But it'd be worth it

# It would be really funny... #

What do you reckon? Shall I do it?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

# Yeah, I'm sick of this clowning

# And I'm bo-o-o-o-ored of this farce, yeah-yeah!

# I want to do something different that will

# Make people laugh. #

Back to work.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hoopla!

We run a very happy ship here.

If you're having a good time behind the scenes,

then the public will see that too.

And ARE you having a good time behind the scenes?

Oh, yes, yes!

HE LAUGHS

A SAD TUNE PLAYS

HE SOBS

A good time, yes.

These moments have been some of the happiest of my life.

-Really?

-Yeah. Really.

SAD MUSIC GETS LOUDER

HE SOBS

HE SOBS MORE LOUDLY

HE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

-SOBBING:

-A good time...

-SOBBING MORE LOUDLY:

-I'm having the best time!

HE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

I'm having a really good...

HE SOBS VERY LOUDLY

HE SOBS HYSTERICALLY

No, I can't...!

I'm having a good time.

I'm having a good time...

I can't cope with it...

CONTINUES SOBBING

I can't!

HE CONTINUES SOBBING

At this point, we had to temporarily stop recording,

but here are some other people

to take your mind off these harrowing scenes.

Hoopla!

# Jump up and down And move it all around

# Shake your head to the sound Put your hands on the ground

# Take one step left and one step right

# One to the front and one to the side

# Clap your hands once and clap your hands twice

# And if it looks like this then you're doing it right

# A little bit of Monica in my life

# A little bit of Eric by my side

# A little bit of Rita's all I need

# A little bit of Tina's what I see

# A little bit of Sandra in the sun

# A little bit of Mary all night long

# A little bit of Jessica, here I am

# A little bit of you makes me your man

# Oh!

CHEERING

# Oh!

The trumpet!

# Mambo No. 5! #

Ha-ha-ha.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

JAZZ PLAYS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SLOWER DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

# Stop! Hammer time!

# Go with the flow in a spin if you can't move to this

# Then you probably are dead

# So wave your hands in the air Bust through the moves

# Run your fingers through your hair This is it for a winner

# Dance to this and you're gonna get thinner... #

NEEDLE SCRATCHING ON RECORD

MUSIC: "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion

# You're here

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# There's nothing I fear... #

NEEDLE SCRATCHING ON RECORD

HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A JOLLY TUNE PLAYS

# Oh, we sailed out from Alaska on our way to Puget Sound

# The skipper went aloft and said he'd take a look around

# When he came down his face looked like he'd smelled an awful smell

# And then he called all hands on deck and we all heard him yell

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

# I'll knock him for a loop That silly nincompoop

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

# Then old second mate Kit Hornson said, what is this scuttlebutt?

# No, I think I'll go and look just for the halibut

# When he came down he said Boys, this will be a smelly trip

# If we don't find that halibut we'd better burn the ship

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

# My nose tells me it's there but I've looked everywhere

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

# Then up stepped Knut Knutson He is tougher than a boot

# He said, I'll find that halibut or my name ain't Knut

# And 15 minutes later he had found where it was stored

# And 20 seagulls fainted when we threw it overboard

Everybody!

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

# Who hid the halibut on the poop deck?

# We never, never knew What screwball in the crew

# Who had hid the halibut on the poop deck. #

Ta. Ta.

Don't forget to visit the gift shop.

Hoopla!

Heh. Hah. This is where it all happens.

The big culmination of the show. The Finaleval.

Yes, the Finaleval has everything -

tooth-brushing, people doing silly actions, the Lion With No Pride...

Anyway, I'm really proud of the Finaleval

because when I came up with the idea for it...

-Hang on a minute!

-I

-came up with the idea.

-No, you did not. I did.

-I'm the one that brushes my teeth.

-Liar. Take that back. It was me.

-It was me.

-It was me.

-Me.

-Me.

-Me.

-Me.

-Ah!

FIGHTING SOUND EFFECTS

Naughty, bad, naughty, bad, weird, naughty, bad...

Help.

Hoopla!

# I am the best in the world

# The best in the world

# The very best at...

-Like you're being attacked by a swarm of wasps.

-Go.

BBBBZZZZZZZZ!

HE WHIMPERS

The more you put into it, the more points you'll get. Oh!

What are you doing, man?

-Quick, next.

-Amy, go.

-Forget your mates are watching. Go for it.

-SHE SCREAMS

-That is it. That is it.

SHE SCREAMS

Are you not scared of wasps, Amy?

Listen, if I was being chased by wasps, I wouldn't be doing this.

Phoebe, it's your turn, go! Next!

Ooh, ow, ow, ooh, ow - that's it.

-SHE SQUEALS

-Ooh, ow, the waspies.

DICK AND DOM: Brilliant!

Being extremely scary.

He's poking his own eyes out. What?

Hang on a minute. Wait. Stop.

I think he still feels a little bit silly.

Yes.

-Carry on.

-Next!

-Ooh. Glasses are off.

-Good lad.

-There.

-Here he goes.

-Ah!

-Look at that.

He belongs with Roger Malcolm, to be totally honest. Next.

VACUUM NOISE

Oh, she's doing it again! Your head's going to blow off, stop!

This time it is gargling, so, Claire, take a swig of this,

and do the best tune you can with water in your mouth.

Head back.

Go!

SILENCE

LAUGHTER

-You're not supposed to spit it out, woman!

-Claire, you mucky old pig!

Here you go, my love. I'll give it a wipe. Take some water.

-Health and safety...

-Is that all you want? Get a mouthful, lad!

Gargle.

HE GARGLES

Whay! APPLAUSE

There you are. Give it a wipe.

A nice wipe on your sweaty jacket.

SHE GARGLES

She's swallowed it.

You've got to speak in your own made-up language. Go.

Hwah thwah paz por da pla thaw plah.

-What language is it?

-Sophie.

-Sophie language, very good.

-Next!

Ba deer door di da dun din von see for toopa toodee...

Hang on a minute.

I think that does actually exist as a language, you know.

Ask a question.

Der door ben battaya a lulu palala lalalala?

SHE GIGGLES

-What? Come on - this is your...

-Fa de door beh say shoor.

-Not in front of the nice boys and girls, OK?

-So next! Ruben.

Theh theh theh theh theh theh...

-Rubbish.

-Shall we make him do it for another five minutes?

-Yeah!

Theh theh theh theh theh theh...

At the end of each Finaleval,

the players are attacked by a very wrong clown, called Cyril.

How on earth can you justify this, week after week?

Look, Jeremy, we can't tell Cyril what to do.

No, Jeremy, we can't stop him.

Don't you think you have a moral responsibility?

Well, if I knew what that meant I would answer that question,

but I don't, so I'll just say blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.

Look, Jeremy, the thing about Cyril is he's just very misunderstood.

Hoopla!

MUSIC: "Adagio for Strings" by Samuel Barber

So there you are, everything you needed to know about Hoopla! -

-the happiest show in the world.

-It's bright.

-Bright.

-It's cheery.

-Cheery.

-And most of all, nobody got hurt.

See you all soon. Ta-ta.

SCREAMING

Hang on, I don't understand - those contestants who don't win,

the ones just lying on the stage at the end of the show,

-what happens to them?

-Ah!

Would you care for some meaty stew, Jeremy? It's very fresh.

DOM LAUGHS EVILLY

Hoopla!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd