The Diddy Choir Diddy TV

# We're back, it's Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# Everybody loved us The critics found us funny

# The ratings were astounding but they just ran out of money

# But now we're back in business to bring you fun and laughter

# This year we're really certain that we're going to win a Bafta

# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# We're going to try and buy the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

Hello and welcome to Diddy TV,

a channel underestimated by critics who say it's not possible

to dumb down TV any further.

They're wrong - watch this!

Welcome back to Nursery Challenge,

I'm Peremy Jaxman.

If you're just joining us,

the Dummy Chuckers are on 278 points

and the Nappy Heads have 26.

OK, to continue,

fingers on buzzers -

what noise does a cow make?

Randolph, Nappy Heads.

Mmmmm....

..mmm-MMMMM...

..MMMMMM...moo.

Correct.

Next question's all about school.

Complete this sentence -

Mrs Jones is a stinky...?

Spoff, Nappy Heads.

Poo-poo head.

Correct answer.

Moving on, who misses their mummy?

Daniels, Dummy Chuckers.

I do!

ALL CRY

Correct answer.

Next question's all about family.

Name one good thing about having

older brothers or sisters?

Come on, come on, I need an answer!

Come on!

Humphrey, Dummy Chuckers.

Sometimes they leave us and go out the house.

No, I'm afraid the answer is,

there isn't anything good about them.

GONG

That's the end of the show for this week,

join us next time for more Nursery Challenge.

We all want to look after our families and loved ones,

but nobody knows for certain what the future holds.

What would happen to your family if you were to fall ill?

I've got health insurance.

Seriously ill?

Life insurance.

-Or if a fire...?

-Fire insurance.

All right, then, what would happen if you fell asleep in a deckchair?

And someone attached a rope to the deckchair?

And the other end was attached to a jetski?

And you got dragged out to sea

and stranded on a desert island with no way home?

What would happen to your family then, hmm?

Oh, I...I don't really know.

That's why you need our new...

Here at Worst Case Insurance,

our dedicated team has a whole range of policies designed

to put your mind at rest on some very specific points.

House stolen by a gigantic bird insurance.

Oh, look, that's never going to happen.

That's what everyone says... until it happens.

So, would you rather be safe or sorry?

Safe, safe!

Now, this might sound utterly ridiculous,

but you're watching Diddy TV.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm Joey Le Cool, and you're watching Bottom Gear,

the pant-based show that's snappier than a crocodile's knickers.

Speaking of which,

have you ever wondered how far you could fly

powered only by knicker elastic?

No. No-one has ever wondered that.

That's why the three of us headed down to Nether Wallop

in Hampshire armed only with a washing basket,

a local phrase book and three tonnes of camiknickers.

There'd better be a hot meal waiting for me when we get back.

Up, up and away!

As long as we land on something soft!

SQUELCH!

Hey! That's all from Bottom Gear for now.

Until next time, how you doing?

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

Coming soon to Diddy TV, a major new crime series.

-Come on, haven't you spotted it, PC Regional?

-No, sir.

The Battenburg has pink and yellow squares,

this cake has yellow and pink squares.

We've got the whole case upside down.

The adventures of a maverick, eccentric, genius detective

who's completely unlike

every other maverick, eccentric, genius detective...

..because this one likes cake.

Look out! Drop scones!

Sandra!

You've got a hard crust, Inspector.

Yes, but a gooey centre.

The Inspector Cupcake Mysteries - they're more than half-baked.

Two little buns in a baker's shop,

round and fat with sugar on top

# It's new from DI-Diddy-Y It saves you loads of time

# Every home should have one Just £14.99

# It's simple to assemble You only need a spanner

# And if at first it doesn't work Just hit it with a hammer

# It's absolutely solid It doesn't cause pollution

# You'll wonder what you did before this Diddy revolution

# In a bunch of snazzy colours It's full of nice surprises

# It comes in 15 different shapes and seven useful sizes

# Compatible with Bluetooth Semaphore and Morse

# It runs on peanut butter and chip-shop curry sauce

# With interest-free credit But only while stocks last

# Order one today, but hurry They're selling fast. #

BURP!

Wouldn't it be a better world if literally everyone,

regardless of talent, was inspired to sing?

No, it wouldn't. What a stupid question.

# Hello!

# Ooh-ooooh-oohhh! #

I'm Gareth Megaphone, the cool choirmaster.

I'm on a mission to try and get people to open their gobs and...

# Sing! #

# The Diddy Choir. #

I'm here at this hostibal, and nobody's singing!

Three milligrams of ACB, BGT, CAB.

# Boring, boring Bo-o-o-oring, boring. #

My job will be to get the unsung heroes singing

so they become sung heroes.

Ahem.

Miserable medics, you are my choir.

Excuse me, we are doing an operation.

Shouldn't that be OPERA-ation?

# Ooh! #

I'm sorry, we can't.

But...sing.

Can't!

-Sing!

-Can't!

# Si-i-i-ing! #

All right, then! We'll sing!

A-one, two, three, four...

# The head bone connected to the neck bone

# The neck bone connected to the shoulder bone

# The shoulder bone connected to the back bone

# Now... #

# Me, me

# Look at me! #

Right, you lot are rubbish.

Can't work with you, I'm going to go find some proper singers.

I rolled a six!

Down the snake I go.

Is your family looking for something more challenging?

Maybe you need the game of Complex Instructions!

From award-winning games makers Serious Fun

comes the ultimate game of checking the rules very carefully indeed.

I rolled a minus 3, does that mean I enter the tribunal?

Only if you've got seven or more victory points

and no more than one citadel.

Oh, "Market day at the labyrinth.

"Kestrels may be freely traded for gold."

I thought kestrels could be traded at any time?

Yes, but not freely.

Which means you get to decide the sequence of trading,

-either forwards or backwards, for one or more turns only.

-Right.

-What does that mean?

-I have no idea.

Can I take the manticore in my upgraded militia?

With over 9,000 contradictory rules,

seven appendices and an online update running to over 1,000 pages,

Complex Instructions will bring the action grinding to a halt

time after time after time.

No.

Can you win the game of Complex Instructions?

If so, you'd be the first.

Nobody's ever finished it yet.

Snakes and ladders?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Something a little bit different now on Diddy TV,

we've pulled out all the stops to bring you a lavish,

four-hour production of Giacomo Puccini's La Boheme.

Ah. Erm...

Slight problem there with our once-in-a-lifetime

production of La Boheme.

In fact, I've just been told we've lost it.

For ever.

BURP!

Oh, for goodness' sake. Here's Diddy Chat.

It's Diddy Dick and Dom here for another Diddy Chat.

And today, we're joined by an actress that you'll know and love,

she plays Imara in Wolfblood, it's the one and only Michelle Gayle!

-Whoo!

-APPLAUSE

-Hello!

-Hiya!

-What was the first job that you got on TV?

First proper job was Grange Hill, kids won't know it now,

but it was a kids' show set in a school.

And after that? You were in EastEnders, weren't you?

-I was in EastEnders after that.

-And what was your big storyline?

Lots of people have a main, big storyline.

What was your big storyline?

Big storyline was getting dumped by my boyfriend.

-Oh, it's never nice, that.

-Yeah...

Was that in the days before you can do it by text?

They had to do it to your face?

-Yeah, they actually had to do it to your face.

-Ugh!

Quite brave, you had to be quite brave.

So, let's pretend - because everyone just does it by text now,

it's awful - that, if he was to dump you now, how would he do it?

-How would you do it?

-Michelle?

-Yeah?

-You're dumped!

-That's not very sensitive, is it?

-No, you're meant to do it like this.

-Put on some romantic music.

-ROMANTIC PIANO PLAYS

I think we've had many, many lovely years together,

we've made each other so happy.

I love your family, they're very dear to me.

They're closer to me than my own family, but...

..you're dumped!

Now, you're in Wolfblood, we all know you as Imara. Tell us about it.

Wolfblood and Imara are my favourite job

-and favourite character.

-Favourite?

Favourite altogether, because the family on Wolfblood are amazing.

The pack is strong.

Ooh!

Whenever you do actings, there's usually very good

-theme tunes to the shows that you do.

-Yes.

I mean, the end of Wolfblood, for example,

it sounds a little bit like this...

WOLF HOWLS

Doesn't it? Again, listen, it sounds like this.

WOLF HOWLS

At the end of EastEnders, it sounds like this...

EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS

Yep.

And at the end of Grange Hill, the one from 31, 32 years ago,

sounds like this...

GRANGE HILL THEME

Oh, yeah. That's it.

You did all the big ones!

Which is your favourite?

Well, the favourite is the EastEnders one, because...

Oh, the one that sounds like this?

EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS

Yeah. It's, like, legendary, isn't it?

It's, like, comedy and drama at the same time.

See, I'm glad you like them.

My favourite's the one that goes...

GRANGE HILL THEME

The way they sound sounds like the end of a story's being told.

You know, something horrible's happened.

So, you know, the other day, I had too many lemonades

and I twisted my ankle.

GRANGE HILL THEME

Oh, it was terrible, the other day I went to my bike

and they'd replaced my wheels with sausages!

EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS

Have you got a story you've got an ending to?

One day, I got asked to do an interview,

and it turned out to be with you guys!

GRANGE HILL THEME

You came here and they stuck purple tights on you.

-WOLF HOWLS

-Exactly!

Michelle Gayle, thank you very much for joining us

on the sofa for a wonderful Diddy Chat. Have you had a nice time?

I've had a great time, thank you for having me.

-See you next time for more Diddy Chat.

-Bye!

-Bye!

Mighty Useless Clunking Robots,

attack!

That's right! Now, at last, you can

bring all the fun of your favourite incomprehensible

live-action manga show into your own home with

Mighty Useless Clunking Robots action figures!

Each with incredible transforming action!

Go from something vaguely human to something

sort of like a toaster in three easy steps.

Seven tricky ones.

And one it's technically impossible due to cheap, shoddy construction.

Why stop at one?

If you've got more money than sense, get all four Mighty Useless

action figures and combine them into the awesome Maximus Junkatron!

Now, that's what I call mighty useless!

Mighty Useless Clunking Robot action figures,

Just £14.99...

And that's another day lovingly dispatched and ready to flush.

Goodbye!

# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# We're going to try and buy the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #