Episode 5 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

Episode 5

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Roberts. You're watching DNN. up on today's show: Stupid


criminals! Formula One.And Hollywood star Miranda Cosgrove.


Seriously, Bob, what are you doing? I worked out what the words on the


screen are. It's a karaoke machine. No, it's an autocue. And you are a


bit flat All the news you needOn second. That's better. No, that's


better. That's the biggest mug on this show. No, that would definitely


be you, Bob. Finally getting the respect I deserve. The headlines:


Cats find a solution to not having pockets. Gina from Tracy Beaker


returns caught cheating in moustache growing competition. The Queen


disguises herself as a bear but is rumbled by passers-by. Never mind


about that, I have a story to break. Unicorns at Ascot? Not that,


somebody's printing news on paper and selling it That would be a


newspaper, Bob. There is a name for it? How long has this been going on?


I am furious. Look, they've left it half-done. They expect me to fill in


the words. The bum-bums! That's a crosswoord Well, I am angry.No,


it's a puzzle. It certainly is, Felicity. Time for the showbiz news


with the diva who puts the strop into pop. Stacey Mayonnaise. It's


Stacey-May. Can't you get anything right? Let me answer that on camera


two, yes. What's happening this week in showbiz? Well, Hollywood star


Miranda Cosgrove... No, graphic, you can't have her. What are you doing?


Saving your life! I have to interrupt you, that means there is


breaking news. That's not fair, I was here first. Let's cross to the


unlucky reporter who's missed more events than sleeping beauty. Hello,


Phil Hi, I am live at a botanical garden in the heart of


Nottinghamshire where it's like my favourite show, Springwatch. I am


trying to get exclusive rare footage of a very elusive animal. What is


it? A leopard, a mammoth, a leopammoth, an animal I made up?


it's a bumblebee I am better than a bumblebee! For Phil, this is good.


Thank you. With me is famous zoologist Dr Honey Potts who tell me


this rare bee has been spotted in these grounds and it's up to us to


track it down. Yes, this particular bee is the rarest member of the


Bombus family All right, no one cares about the science. What we are


interested in is the exclusive. ? that case, I am afraid there is no


bee as of yet. It's already been six hours. Nothing doing yet. But once


it shows up we will be here to spot it live. Back to the studio. Thanks,


Phil. Looking forward to that exclusive. When pigs fly. Flying


pigs? I just washed my car. This week musician Andrew set feet


tapping when he drummed for 24 hours as part of a ceremony. Nothing


unusual there. Awards are full of people banging their own drums


you would know. Drumming is great. You can use anything for percussion,


I have used a bucket, pans, mixing bowl and my voice. Let's go.


Boom-boom, check! Oh no! I don't think I will bother mum, actually.


love you 24-hour drumming man! I love you so much I am playing my own


head. Ow! I can't say I am impressed. I played the drums all


day in a marching band through the rain in silence with half a biscuit


to share with the group. It was the happiest time of my life! Time to go


to the guy who puts the T into teapots, just not often enough. It's


Jahmene. With you in a sec, just blogging. Shouldn't be cutting down


trees. Blogging, not logging.I need to e-mail my lumber jack. Magazines


are full of celebrities with strange and hilarious faces. Look at this


picture of be-- Beyonce We have all done it, I have licked a toilet seat


before. I have been out seeing what contorted kisses you can make when


you put your minds to it. Let's meet the street. Even I have had pictures


taken of me where I have looked less than my best. How good are you the


public at pulling silly faces? Let's Is that not funny enough? It's quite


of Britain can pull a blinder. But if there's one thing that I have


learned today, it's that you should check someone's pulling a funny face


before you congratulate them on it. OK, now that's the best funny face I


have seen all day. Excuse me The face you are pulling... I am not


pulling a face. You are, you have got... Oh! OK. No, I mean... Not


again, no, no! Who are you calling ugly? ! Back to the studio. Good


work. I am being street. I even have a street name. Yeah?Yeah, it's Holy


Well Road. Now crime. Don't do it. Especially if you are as bad at it


as the thief who stole a digger but left a trail of dirt so thick that


the police used it to find him. the news anchor who accidentally


took an apple from the supermarket and when he got home found in his


bag and was scared of the police he hid under his bed and came out


because a worm crawled out of the apple and scared me - I mean him.


Hush now, Bob. What are burglars doing to up their game? We sent


reporter Nellie Osmond to find out. Thank you. A crime school has been


set up To find out what goes on there I am going undercover as a


burglar. I will be filming my report using this inconspicious secret


camera. Random bag checks, common in school these days. Mobile phone. MP


3 player. And a computer tablet. I am going to have to take these from


you. I should have seen that coming. Let's see what's happening in the


classroom. What do you do when you hear this sound? SIREN You run


towards it. No, you do the opposite. They might be giving out ice-cream


That's a van that sounds like this. Quick, the police, leg it! I can't


believe my eyes, these are the worst burglars I have ever seen. Which one


of these should you worry about when you are breaking in a house? A guard


dog? A burglar alarm? An hamster? Hamster. Give me strength! I have


heard enough. It's time I blew the whistle on this criminal college.


Right, everyone stay where you are. I am calling the police. You lot are


going to be in a lot of trouble. am the police. That's right, we have


set this up to catch stupid criminals. You are all under arrest


I am not. WP C Gordon, traffic warden. And me.Hang on, hang on!


are all coppers? I am not.Nick her! Come here you. This hasn't gone


according to plan. I haven't blown the lid op burglars. Not red-handed


but red-faced. Back to you, Robert. Come on, I am trying to work here!


Nellie, no stranger to the long arm of the law herself after that


unpleasantness last year. We will be back after this short break. Don't


turn over, you will crush your crisps! Back on in one minute.Look


sharp and thick on. Make-up, I need a foot massage! Are you ever going


to tell me what this mystery incident with Nellie was? She was at


Buckingham Palace and Lennox Lewis was behind her Massage through the


shoe. Why was Lennox Lewis in a ball gown? He is at Buckingham Palace,


you have to look smart. I can barely feel anything! In came that famous


shoe designer Jimmy ChooBless you. No, the shoe designer. I am still


here, you know, just! She overhears more conversations than MI5 and Dot


Cotton. Jimmy Choo.Honestly, blow your nose. Back on in five, four...


Welcome back. News just in. News just out. In.Out, shake it all


about. Scuba diving holiday for man with world's most powerful burp.


Coronation Street's Steve breaks the pulling a scary face whilst eating a


massive Sandwich record. And Cat realises it's left the bath


with Stacey-May. Thank you, Felicity. As I was trying to say


earlier, I have an interview with militia and do -- Miranda Cosgrove


My cape will protect us. Seriously, capes are not even on trend. Sorry,


we have to go back to Phil for breaking news. Is this a joke


because jokes are meant to be funny. Any sign of that bee, Phil? Still no


sign of this mysterious bumblebee. Earlier it turned out to be Terry's


phone on vibrate. Is it off now? Good. Dr Potts, this bee has never


been caught live on camera before. I think the question all that DNN's


viewers want answered is just how famous will this make me? Will I get


on to Springwatch? I don't see why not. Finally meets my crush Michaela


Strachan. This is one exclusive I am not letting go. Back to the studio.


Come on, you bumbling beauty! don't get the fuss with bees, what


have they done for us? For a start they make honey. Yeah, pigeons make


toothpaste! Seriously, they do. They made the honey on your toast right


now. That's bee juice, ow! Sports news. Let's go to Gary Ogden's


closest personal friend, it's Gary Ogden. Thanks, Bob. I am Gary Ogden.


Here are the headlines from the sports locker: My close personal


friend Matt Dawson fails his Cork hat-wearing proficiency test. At the


world cheer leading championships an overenthusiastic competitor enters


the knockout stage. And on EastEnders egg and spoon race is


replaced by carton and two dinners race. Monty...I can't help noticing


you are sporting a different look today, Gary. Everything OK? No, I


can't find my trademark glasses have made a replacement from


modelling clay and sticky tape. Why? It's my brand. I am Gary Goggles


Ogden. How is my friend Frank Lampard going to recognise me?


Borrow mine. I always keep a pair for emergency glamour situations


Thanks, Bob. My pleasure.Today's big story, this weekend is the


British Grand Prix. As the best racers gear up I have sent a man who


is driven by the love of sport to get the inside track on Formula One.


Over to you, Gary. Thank you, O'Garay. It's Grand Prix


time for Silverstone. This is somewhere else. I am here to meet


top F1 instructor Pete Stop. Pete, what can you tell me about F1 cars?


Well, Gary, speeds of 360 kilometres per hour. They cost millions of


pounds to make and have four wheels Fascinating stuff. I tell you what


they need, they need a passenger seat. My close personal friend


Lewisham I willen to can give me a lift -- Lewisham I will Lewis


Hamilton can give me a lift home. Before I can let you near that, we


need to test your skills on this. That thing? Ha! This is going to be


a drive in the park. OK, start your engine. Vrrrr, VrrrrrYou have to


drive, you cannot just make noises. Wow, this is more advanced.


Gary, you must weave in and out of sport. What? I am all sports. I bet


I could beat you at a race any day. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.Bring it on.


do you get this off? This is not what I had in mind. Yes, and Gary


takes the yellow jersey! Idiot.Sore loser. This is Gary Ogden, champion


race driver covered in glory and lemonade. Back to you, Gary.


Thanks, Gary. And thanks, Bob. These are amazing. I can see the tiny


little hairs. It's like I have supervision. You probably should


have supervision. Now let's cross to Davina for the weather. Can you


guess what challenge we have set for you this week? I am in some kind of


suit. Is it scuba diving? Remove the blindfold. This week we are


challenging you to do the weather whilst wrestling sumo champion


Sharran Alexander. Bring it on! First, let's look at the weather in


the south and London, and you southern softies will be stumbling


around in a fog thicker than Ian Beale. In Cornwall, it will be


breezy and sunny. If you are in Northern Ireland and you want to


know what's happening with the weather, get off your sofa and look


out the window, you lapsy sofaloafers! -- lazy. Finally, the


weather in Newcastle! Dramatic storms will sweep in from the


north-east, reflecting the afinity that exists in the hearts of all


Geordie people. You shall have a fishy on a little dishy. You shall


have a fishy when the boat comes in. Away! Thanks, Davina.Don't thank


me, I am up for anything. Yes, you are. Sharran, thank you, too.


Astonishing, I have done wrestling before SumoNo, I have wrestled


Susan Boyle. Great half-Nelson. she's been coaxed out of the toilets


with a glassy magazine -- glossy magazine. Do you promise no more


inter interruptions? I am vexed now. Go away. This week's big cinema


release is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Interrupting! This week's


big cinema release is Despicable Me 2, I decided to find out with


Hollywood royalty, it's not a big deal for me, I do it all the time.


The stars are back for a sequel. But the minions weren't doing interviews


so I had to settle for Steve Carrell to tell me all about the film.


First, I love the film ThanksIt was great. But you look nothing like you


do in the film. That's good.How long did that make-up take? It's a


cartoon. It's animated. So it was my voice but it wasn't actually me.


long did it take you to draw it? The bald man has a daughter called Agnes


played by one of my favourite Hollywood stars. You were in my


favourite thing ever, how cool is that to be in that? It was fun.What


was the weirdest thing you got to do? A lot of weird things, I was


pelted by raisins once. A bunch of raisins from the sky. Yesterday


someone threw a pack of walnuts at me. It hurt. As a Hollywood star


what advice would you give someone who wanted to break into Harry


Styles house? First of all, don't do that because you will probably be


arrested. It's good to be a fan and support him and his career and love


him. But from afar. If I broke in do you think he would be like hi,


Stacey-May? No, he wouldn't be like that at all. He would be like I have


a Taser, Stacey. Lipstick Taser. If there is a Despicable Me 3 you are


probably going to need other people. Are you saying something? I am a


little bit of a singer. I kind of came up with a song. All right.


Maybe I could be in at the beginning singing and at the end. Do you want


to sing with me? OK# Despicable 3, three are despicable, which one is


best? # That is unpickable. I like it doesn't really have notes.


just know when you have a lift. have to share it. It flows easily. I


might take a picture of myself, but not with you. OK. Can I photobomb


you? Hi, Miranda. When can I come to LA? This is your BFF! Pick up the


phone! Stacey-May there. It's Stacey-Mayonnaise there. At least


one of us is paying attention. to Phil at the gardens. Any luck


with that rare bee? Well, we have been out here for ages now and still


no bee. If you can believe it. Seriously, I am actually quite angry


now. I would rather be at home. My hayfever's kicking off, my back is


killing me, I am itching everywhere. Bee, ah! Oh, cheese and crackers.


You smashed it. You smashed the rarest bee in the world! Oh, no.


Well, there we are. An ultra rare bumblebee live, well not alive, on


DNN. Any chaps I will still get on Springwatch -- any chance I will


still get on Springwatch? Every chance you will get on Crimewatch.


Take them back. Another great report from Phil there. What's this?


is my newspaper, Felicity. The Bobograph This is the same words


over. Not all of it. Bottom of page six. You have drawn a kitten.Yeah,


Bob and cat. Shall we wrap this up? It's not a gift, just put it in your


bag. That's all from us today.She's been the savvy Felicity Bond and


A sideways, upside down and back to front look at the week's headlines. Bob Roberts and Felicity Bond bring all the latest sport and showbiz stories from the DNN newsroom. It's the news, but not as you know it!

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