Episode 5 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround


Episode 5

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Roberts. You're watching DNN. up on today's show: Stupid

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criminals! Formula One.And Hollywood star Miranda Cosgrove.

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Seriously, Bob, what are you doing? I worked out what the words on the

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screen are. It's a karaoke machine. No, it's an autocue. And you are a

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bit flat All the news you needOn second. That's better. No, that's

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better. That's the biggest mug on this show. No, that would definitely

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be you, Bob. Finally getting the respect I deserve. The headlines:

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Cats find a solution to not having pockets. Gina from Tracy Beaker

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returns caught cheating in moustache growing competition. The Queen

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disguises herself as a bear but is rumbled by passers-by. Never mind

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about that, I have a story to break. Unicorns at Ascot? Not that,

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somebody's printing news on paper and selling it That would be a

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newspaper, Bob. There is a name for it? How long has this been going on?

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I am furious. Look, they've left it half-done. They expect me to fill in

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the words. The bum-bums! That's a crosswoord Well, I am angry.No,

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it's a puzzle. It certainly is, Felicity. Time for the showbiz news

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with the diva who puts the strop into pop. Stacey Mayonnaise. It's

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Stacey-May. Can't you get anything right? Let me answer that on camera

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two, yes. What's happening this week in showbiz? Well, Hollywood star

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Miranda Cosgrove... No, graphic, you can't have her. What are you doing?

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Saving your life! I have to interrupt you, that means there is

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breaking news. That's not fair, I was here first. Let's cross to the

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unlucky reporter who's missed more events than sleeping beauty. Hello,

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Phil Hi, I am live at a botanical garden in the heart of

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Nottinghamshire where it's like my favourite show, Springwatch. I am

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trying to get exclusive rare footage of a very elusive animal. What is

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it? A leopard, a mammoth, a leopammoth, an animal I made up?

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it's a bumblebee I am better than a bumblebee! For Phil, this is good.

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Thank you. With me is famous zoologist Dr Honey Potts who tell me

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this rare bee has been spotted in these grounds and it's up to us to

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track it down. Yes, this particular bee is the rarest member of the

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Bombus family All right, no one cares about the science. What we are

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interested in is the exclusive. ? that case, I am afraid there is no

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bee as of yet. It's already been six hours. Nothing doing yet. But once

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it shows up we will be here to spot it live. Back to the studio. Thanks,

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Phil. Looking forward to that exclusive. When pigs fly. Flying

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pigs? I just washed my car. This week musician Andrew set feet

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tapping when he drummed for 24 hours as part of a ceremony. Nothing

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unusual there. Awards are full of people banging their own drums

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you would know. Drumming is great. You can use anything for percussion,

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I have used a bucket, pans, mixing bowl and my voice. Let's go.

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Boom-boom, check! Oh no! I don't think I will bother mum, actually.

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love you 24-hour drumming man! I love you so much I am playing my own

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head. Ow! I can't say I am impressed. I played the drums all

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day in a marching band through the rain in silence with half a biscuit

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to share with the group. It was the happiest time of my life! Time to go

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to the guy who puts the T into teapots, just not often enough. It's

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Jahmene. With you in a sec, just blogging. Shouldn't be cutting down

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trees. Blogging, not logging.I need to e-mail my lumber jack. Magazines

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are full of celebrities with strange and hilarious faces. Look at this

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picture of be-- Beyonce We have all done it, I have licked a toilet seat

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before. I have been out seeing what contorted kisses you can make when

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you put your minds to it. Let's meet the street. Even I have had pictures

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taken of me where I have looked less than my best. How good are you the

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public at pulling silly faces? Let's Is that not funny enough? It's quite

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of Britain can pull a blinder. But if there's one thing that I have

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learned today, it's that you should check someone's pulling a funny face

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before you congratulate them on it. OK, now that's the best funny face I

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have seen all day. Excuse me The face you are pulling... I am not

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pulling a face. You are, you have got... Oh! OK. No, I mean... Not

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again, no, no! Who are you calling ugly? ! Back to the studio. Good

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work. I am being street. I even have a street name. Yeah?Yeah, it's Holy

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Well Road. Now crime. Don't do it. Especially if you are as bad at it

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as the thief who stole a digger but left a trail of dirt so thick that

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the police used it to find him. the news anchor who accidentally

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took an apple from the supermarket and when he got home found in his

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bag and was scared of the police he hid under his bed and came out

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because a worm crawled out of the apple and scared me - I mean him.

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Hush now, Bob. What are burglars doing to up their game? We sent

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reporter Nellie Osmond to find out. Thank you. A crime school has been

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set up To find out what goes on there I am going undercover as a

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burglar. I will be filming my report using this inconspicious secret

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camera. Random bag checks, common in school these days. Mobile phone. MP

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3 player. And a computer tablet. I am going to have to take these from

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you. I should have seen that coming. Let's see what's happening in the

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classroom. What do you do when you hear this sound? SIREN You run

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towards it. No, you do the opposite. They might be giving out ice-cream

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That's a van that sounds like this. Quick, the police, leg it! I can't

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believe my eyes, these are the worst burglars I have ever seen. Which one

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of these should you worry about when you are breaking in a house? A guard

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dog? A burglar alarm? An hamster? Hamster. Give me strength! I have

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heard enough. It's time I blew the whistle on this criminal college.

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Right, everyone stay where you are. I am calling the police. You lot are

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going to be in a lot of trouble. am the police. That's right, we have

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set this up to catch stupid criminals. You are all under arrest

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I am not. WP C Gordon, traffic warden. And me.Hang on, hang on!

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are all coppers? I am not.Nick her! Come here you. This hasn't gone

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according to plan. I haven't blown the lid op burglars. Not red-handed

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but red-faced. Back to you, Robert. Come on, I am trying to work here!

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Nellie, no stranger to the long arm of the law herself after that

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unpleasantness last year. We will be back after this short break. Don't

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turn over, you will crush your crisps! Back on in one minute.Look

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sharp and thick on. Make-up, I need a foot massage! Are you ever going

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to tell me what this mystery incident with Nellie was? She was at

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Buckingham Palace and Lennox Lewis was behind her Massage through the

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shoe. Why was Lennox Lewis in a ball gown? He is at Buckingham Palace,

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you have to look smart. I can barely feel anything! In came that famous

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shoe designer Jimmy ChooBless you. No, the shoe designer. I am still

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here, you know, just! She overhears more conversations than MI5 and Dot

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Cotton. Jimmy Choo.Honestly, blow your nose. Back on in five, four...

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Welcome back. News just in. News just out. In.Out, shake it all

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about. Scuba diving holiday for man with world's most powerful burp.

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Coronation Street's Steve breaks the pulling a scary face whilst eating a

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massive Sandwich record. And Cat realises it's left the bath

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with Stacey-May. Thank you, Felicity. As I was trying to say

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earlier, I have an interview with militia and do -- Miranda Cosgrove

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My cape will protect us. Seriously, capes are not even on trend. Sorry,

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we have to go back to Phil for breaking news. Is this a joke

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because jokes are meant to be funny. Any sign of that bee, Phil? Still no

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sign of this mysterious bumblebee. Earlier it turned out to be Terry's

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phone on vibrate. Is it off now? Good. Dr Potts, this bee has never

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been caught live on camera before. I think the question all that DNN's

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viewers want answered is just how famous will this make me? Will I get

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on to Springwatch? I don't see why not. Finally meets my crush Michaela

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Strachan. This is one exclusive I am not letting go. Back to the studio.

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Come on, you bumbling beauty! don't get the fuss with bees, what

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have they done for us? For a start they make honey. Yeah, pigeons make

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toothpaste! Seriously, they do. They made the honey on your toast right

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now. That's bee juice, ow! Sports news. Let's go to Gary Ogden's

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closest personal friend, it's Gary Ogden. Thanks, Bob. I am Gary Ogden.

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Here are the headlines from the sports locker: My close personal

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friend Matt Dawson fails his Cork hat-wearing proficiency test. At the

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world cheer leading championships an overenthusiastic competitor enters

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the knockout stage. And on EastEnders egg and spoon race is

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replaced by carton and two dinners race. Monty...I can't help noticing

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you are sporting a different look today, Gary. Everything OK? No, I

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can't find my trademark glasses have made a replacement from

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modelling clay and sticky tape. Why? It's my brand. I am Gary Goggles

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Ogden. How is my friend Frank Lampard going to recognise me?

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Borrow mine. I always keep a pair for emergency glamour situations

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Thanks, Bob. My pleasure.Today's big story, this weekend is the

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British Grand Prix. As the best racers gear up I have sent a man who

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is driven by the love of sport to get the inside track on Formula One.

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Over to you, Gary. Thank you, O'Garay. It's Grand Prix

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time for Silverstone. This is somewhere else. I am here to meet

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top F1 instructor Pete Stop. Pete, what can you tell me about F1 cars?

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Well, Gary, speeds of 360 kilometres per hour. They cost millions of

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pounds to make and have four wheels Fascinating stuff. I tell you what

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they need, they need a passenger seat. My close personal friend

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Lewisham I willen to can give me a lift -- Lewisham I will Lewis

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Hamilton can give me a lift home. Before I can let you near that, we

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need to test your skills on this. That thing? Ha! This is going to be

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a drive in the park. OK, start your engine. Vrrrr, VrrrrrYou have to

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drive, you cannot just make noises. Wow, this is more advanced.

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Gary, you must weave in and out of sport. What? I am all sports. I bet

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I could beat you at a race any day. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.Bring it on.

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do you get this off? This is not what I had in mind. Yes, and Gary

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takes the yellow jersey! Idiot.Sore loser. This is Gary Ogden, champion

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race driver covered in glory and lemonade. Back to you, Gary.

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Thanks, Gary. And thanks, Bob. These are amazing. I can see the tiny

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little hairs. It's like I have supervision. You probably should

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have supervision. Now let's cross to Davina for the weather. Can you

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guess what challenge we have set for you this week? I am in some kind of

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suit. Is it scuba diving? Remove the blindfold. This week we are

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challenging you to do the weather whilst wrestling sumo champion

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Sharran Alexander. Bring it on! First, let's look at the weather in

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the south and London, and you southern softies will be stumbling

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around in a fog thicker than Ian Beale. In Cornwall, it will be

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breezy and sunny. If you are in Northern Ireland and you want to

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know what's happening with the weather, get off your sofa and look

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out the window, you lapsy sofaloafers! -- lazy. Finally, the

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weather in Newcastle! Dramatic storms will sweep in from the

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north-east, reflecting the afinity that exists in the hearts of all

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Geordie people. You shall have a fishy on a little dishy. You shall

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have a fishy when the boat comes in. Away! Thanks, Davina.Don't thank

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me, I am up for anything. Yes, you are. Sharran, thank you, too.

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Astonishing, I have done wrestling before SumoNo, I have wrestled

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Susan Boyle. Great half-Nelson. she's been coaxed out of the toilets

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with a glassy magazine -- glossy magazine. Do you promise no more

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inter interruptions? I am vexed now. Go away. This week's big cinema

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release is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Interrupting! This week's

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big cinema release is Despicable Me 2, I decided to find out with

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Hollywood royalty, it's not a big deal for me, I do it all the time.

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The stars are back for a sequel. But the minions weren't doing interviews

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so I had to settle for Steve Carrell to tell me all about the film.

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First, I love the film ThanksIt was great. But you look nothing like you

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do in the film. That's good.How long did that make-up take? It's a

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cartoon. It's animated. So it was my voice but it wasn't actually me.

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long did it take you to draw it? The bald man has a daughter called Agnes

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played by one of my favourite Hollywood stars. You were in my

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favourite thing ever, how cool is that to be in that? It was fun.What

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was the weirdest thing you got to do? A lot of weird things, I was

:20:45.:20:55.
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pelted by raisins once. A bunch of raisins from the sky. Yesterday

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someone threw a pack of walnuts at me. It hurt. As a Hollywood star

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what advice would you give someone who wanted to break into Harry

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Styles house? First of all, don't do that because you will probably be

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arrested. It's good to be a fan and support him and his career and love

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him. But from afar. If I broke in do you think he would be like hi,

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Stacey-May? No, he wouldn't be like that at all. He would be like I have

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a Taser, Stacey. Lipstick Taser. If there is a Despicable Me 3 you are

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probably going to need other people. Are you saying something? I am a

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little bit of a singer. I kind of came up with a song. All right.

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Maybe I could be in at the beginning singing and at the end. Do you want

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to sing with me? OK# Despicable 3, three are despicable, which one is

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best? # That is unpickable. I like it doesn't really have notes.

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just know when you have a lift. have to share it. It flows easily. I

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might take a picture of myself, but not with you. OK. Can I photobomb

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you? Hi, Miranda. When can I come to LA? This is your BFF! Pick up the

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phone! Stacey-May there. It's Stacey-Mayonnaise there. At least

:22:39.:22:43.

one of us is paying attention. to Phil at the gardens. Any luck

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with that rare bee? Well, we have been out here for ages now and still

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no bee. If you can believe it. Seriously, I am actually quite angry

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now. I would rather be at home. My hayfever's kicking off, my back is

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killing me, I am itching everywhere. Bee, ah! Oh, cheese and crackers.

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You smashed it. You smashed the rarest bee in the world! Oh, no.

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Well, there we are. An ultra rare bumblebee live, well not alive, on

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DNN. Any chaps I will still get on Springwatch -- any chance I will

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still get on Springwatch? Every chance you will get on Crimewatch.

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Take them back. Another great report from Phil there. What's this?

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is my newspaper, Felicity. The Bobograph This is the same words

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over. Not all of it. Bottom of page six. You have drawn a kitten.Yeah,

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Bob and cat. Shall we wrap this up? It's not a gift, just put it in your

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bag. That's all from us today.She's been the savvy Felicity Bond and

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