Episode 5 DNN: Definitely Not Newsround

Roberts. You're watching DNN. up on today's show: Stupid

criminals! Formula One.And Hollywood star Miranda Cosgrove.

Seriously, Bob, what are you doing? I worked out what the words on the

screen are. It's a karaoke machine. No, it's an autocue. And you are a

bit flat All the news you needOn second. That's better. No, that's

better. That's the biggest mug on this show. No, that would definitely

be you, Bob. Finally getting the respect I deserve. The headlines:

Cats find a solution to not having pockets. Gina from Tracy Beaker

returns caught cheating in moustache growing competition. The Queen

disguises herself as a bear but is rumbled by passers-by. Never mind

about that, I have a story to break. Unicorns at Ascot? Not that,

somebody's printing news on paper and selling it That would be a

newspaper, Bob. There is a name for it? How long has this been going on?

I am furious. Look, they've left it half-done. They expect me to fill in

the words. The bum-bums! That's a crosswoord Well, I am angry.No,

it's a puzzle. It certainly is, Felicity. Time for the showbiz news

with the diva who puts the strop into pop. Stacey Mayonnaise. It's

Stacey-May. Can't you get anything right? Let me answer that on camera

two, yes. What's happening this week in showbiz? Well, Hollywood star

Miranda Cosgrove... No, graphic, you can't have her. What are you doing?

Saving your life! I have to interrupt you, that means there is

breaking news. That's not fair, I was here first. Let's cross to the

unlucky reporter who's missed more events than sleeping beauty. Hello,

Phil Hi, I am live at a botanical garden in the heart of

Nottinghamshire where it's like my favourite show, Springwatch. I am

trying to get exclusive rare footage of a very elusive animal. What is

it? A leopard, a mammoth, a leopammoth, an animal I made up?

it's a bumblebee I am better than a bumblebee! For Phil, this is good.

Thank you. With me is famous zoologist Dr Honey Potts who tell me

this rare bee has been spotted in these grounds and it's up to us to

track it down. Yes, this particular bee is the rarest member of the

Bombus family All right, no one cares about the science. What we are

interested in is the exclusive. ? that case, I am afraid there is no

bee as of yet. It's already been six hours. Nothing doing yet. But once

it shows up we will be here to spot it live. Back to the studio. Thanks,

Phil. Looking forward to that exclusive. When pigs fly. Flying

pigs? I just washed my car. This week musician Andrew set feet

tapping when he drummed for 24 hours as part of a ceremony. Nothing

unusual there. Awards are full of people banging their own drums

you would know. Drumming is great. You can use anything for percussion,

I have used a bucket, pans, mixing bowl and my voice. Let's go.

Boom-boom, check! Oh no! I don't think I will bother mum, actually.

love you 24-hour drumming man! I love you so much I am playing my own

head. Ow! I can't say I am impressed. I played the drums all

day in a marching band through the rain in silence with half a biscuit

to share with the group. It was the happiest time of my life! Time to go

to the guy who puts the T into teapots, just not often enough. It's

Jahmene. With you in a sec, just blogging. Shouldn't be cutting down

trees. Blogging, not logging.I need to e-mail my lumber jack. Magazines

are full of celebrities with strange and hilarious faces. Look at this

picture of be-- Beyonce We have all done it, I have licked a toilet seat

before. I have been out seeing what contorted kisses you can make when

you put your minds to it. Let's meet the street. Even I have had pictures

taken of me where I have looked less than my best. How good are you the

public at pulling silly faces? Let's Is that not funny enough? It's quite

of Britain can pull a blinder. But if there's one thing that I have

learned today, it's that you should check someone's pulling a funny face

before you congratulate them on it. OK, now that's the best funny face I

have seen all day. Excuse me The face you are pulling... I am not

pulling a face. You are, you have got... Oh! OK. No, I mean... Not

again, no, no! Who are you calling ugly? ! Back to the studio. Good

work. I am being street. I even have a street name. Yeah?Yeah, it's Holy

Well Road. Now crime. Don't do it. Especially if you are as bad at it

as the thief who stole a digger but left a trail of dirt so thick that

the police used it to find him. the news anchor who accidentally

took an apple from the supermarket and when he got home found in his

bag and was scared of the police he hid under his bed and came out

because a worm crawled out of the apple and scared me - I mean him.

Hush now, Bob. What are burglars doing to up their game? We sent

reporter Nellie Osmond to find out. Thank you. A crime school has been

set up To find out what goes on there I am going undercover as a

burglar. I will be filming my report using this inconspicious secret

camera. Random bag checks, common in school these days. Mobile phone. MP

3 player. And a computer tablet. I am going to have to take these from

you. I should have seen that coming. Let's see what's happening in the

classroom. What do you do when you hear this sound? SIREN You run

towards it. No, you do the opposite. They might be giving out ice-cream

That's a van that sounds like this. Quick, the police, leg it! I can't

believe my eyes, these are the worst burglars I have ever seen. Which one

of these should you worry about when you are breaking in a house? A guard

dog? A burglar alarm? An hamster? Hamster. Give me strength! I have

heard enough. It's time I blew the whistle on this criminal college.

Right, everyone stay where you are. I am calling the police. You lot are

going to be in a lot of trouble. am the police. That's right, we have

set this up to catch stupid criminals. You are all under arrest

I am not. WP C Gordon, traffic warden. And me.Hang on, hang on!

are all coppers? I am not.Nick her! Come here you. This hasn't gone

according to plan. I haven't blown the lid op burglars. Not red-handed

but red-faced. Back to you, Robert. Come on, I am trying to work here!

Nellie, no stranger to the long arm of the law herself after that

unpleasantness last year. We will be back after this short break. Don't

turn over, you will crush your crisps! Back on in one minute.Look

sharp and thick on. Make-up, I need a foot massage! Are you ever going

to tell me what this mystery incident with Nellie was? She was at

Buckingham Palace and Lennox Lewis was behind her Massage through the

shoe. Why was Lennox Lewis in a ball gown? He is at Buckingham Palace,

you have to look smart. I can barely feel anything! In came that famous

shoe designer Jimmy ChooBless you. No, the shoe designer. I am still

here, you know, just! She overhears more conversations than MI5 and Dot

Cotton. Jimmy Choo.Honestly, blow your nose. Back on in five, four...

Welcome back. News just in. News just out. In.Out, shake it all

about. Scuba diving holiday for man with world's most powerful burp.

Coronation Street's Steve breaks the pulling a scary face whilst eating a

massive Sandwich record. And Cat realises it's left the bath

with Stacey-May. Thank you, Felicity. As I was trying to say

earlier, I have an interview with militia and do -- Miranda Cosgrove

My cape will protect us. Seriously, capes are not even on trend. Sorry,

we have to go back to Phil for breaking news. Is this a joke

because jokes are meant to be funny. Any sign of that bee, Phil? Still no

sign of this mysterious bumblebee. Earlier it turned out to be Terry's

phone on vibrate. Is it off now? Good. Dr Potts, this bee has never

been caught live on camera before. I think the question all that DNN's

viewers want answered is just how famous will this make me? Will I get

on to Springwatch? I don't see why not. Finally meets my crush Michaela

Strachan. This is one exclusive I am not letting go. Back to the studio.

Come on, you bumbling beauty! don't get the fuss with bees, what

have they done for us? For a start they make honey. Yeah, pigeons make

toothpaste! Seriously, they do. They made the honey on your toast right

now. That's bee juice, ow! Sports news. Let's go to Gary Ogden's

closest personal friend, it's Gary Ogden. Thanks, Bob. I am Gary Ogden.

Here are the headlines from the sports locker: My close personal

friend Matt Dawson fails his Cork hat-wearing proficiency test. At the

world cheer leading championships an overenthusiastic competitor enters

the knockout stage. And on EastEnders egg and spoon race is

replaced by carton and two dinners race. Monty...I can't help noticing

you are sporting a different look today, Gary. Everything OK? No, I

can't find my trademark glasses have made a replacement from

modelling clay and sticky tape. Why? It's my brand. I am Gary Goggles

Ogden. How is my friend Frank Lampard going to recognise me?

Borrow mine. I always keep a pair for emergency glamour situations

Thanks, Bob. My pleasure.Today's big story, this weekend is the

British Grand Prix. As the best racers gear up I have sent a man who

is driven by the love of sport to get the inside track on Formula One.

Over to you, Gary. Thank you, O'Garay. It's Grand Prix

time for Silverstone. This is somewhere else. I am here to meet

top F1 instructor Pete Stop. Pete, what can you tell me about F1 cars?

Well, Gary, speeds of 360 kilometres per hour. They cost millions of

pounds to make and have four wheels Fascinating stuff. I tell you what

they need, they need a passenger seat. My close personal friend

Lewisham I willen to can give me a lift -- Lewisham I will Lewis

Hamilton can give me a lift home. Before I can let you near that, we

need to test your skills on this. That thing? Ha! This is going to be

a drive in the park. OK, start your engine. Vrrrr, VrrrrrYou have to

drive, you cannot just make noises. Wow, this is more advanced.

Gary, you must weave in and out of sport. What? I am all sports. I bet

I could beat you at a race any day. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.Bring it on.

do you get this off? This is not what I had in mind. Yes, and Gary

takes the yellow jersey! Idiot.Sore loser. This is Gary Ogden, champion

race driver covered in glory and lemonade. Back to you, Gary.

Thanks, Gary. And thanks, Bob. These are amazing. I can see the tiny

little hairs. It's like I have supervision. You probably should

have supervision. Now let's cross to Davina for the weather. Can you

guess what challenge we have set for you this week? I am in some kind of

suit. Is it scuba diving? Remove the blindfold. This week we are

challenging you to do the weather whilst wrestling sumo champion

Sharran Alexander. Bring it on! First, let's look at the weather in

the south and London, and you southern softies will be stumbling

around in a fog thicker than Ian Beale. In Cornwall, it will be

breezy and sunny. If you are in Northern Ireland and you want to

know what's happening with the weather, get off your sofa and look

out the window, you lapsy sofaloafers! -- lazy. Finally, the

weather in Newcastle! Dramatic storms will sweep in from the

north-east, reflecting the afinity that exists in the hearts of all

Geordie people. You shall have a fishy on a little dishy. You shall

have a fishy when the boat comes in. Away! Thanks, Davina.Don't thank

me, I am up for anything. Yes, you are. Sharran, thank you, too.

Astonishing, I have done wrestling before SumoNo, I have wrestled

Susan Boyle. Great half-Nelson. she's been coaxed out of the toilets

with a glassy magazine -- glossy magazine. Do you promise no more

inter interruptions? I am vexed now. Go away. This week's big cinema

release is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Interrupting! This week's

big cinema release is Despicable Me 2, I decided to find out with

Hollywood royalty, it's not a big deal for me, I do it all the time.

The stars are back for a sequel. But the minions weren't doing interviews

so I had to settle for Steve Carrell to tell me all about the film.

First, I love the film ThanksIt was great. But you look nothing like you

do in the film. That's good.How long did that make-up take? It's a

cartoon. It's animated. So it was my voice but it wasn't actually me.

long did it take you to draw it? The bald man has a daughter called Agnes

played by one of my favourite Hollywood stars. You were in my

favourite thing ever, how cool is that to be in that? It was fun.What

was the weirdest thing you got to do? A lot of weird things, I was

pelted by raisins once. A bunch of raisins from the sky. Yesterday

someone threw a pack of walnuts at me. It hurt. As a Hollywood star

what advice would you give someone who wanted to break into Harry

Styles house? First of all, don't do that because you will probably be

arrested. It's good to be a fan and support him and his career and love

him. But from afar. If I broke in do you think he would be like hi,

Stacey-May? No, he wouldn't be like that at all. He would be like I have

a Taser, Stacey. Lipstick Taser. If there is a Despicable Me 3 you are

probably going to need other people. Are you saying something? I am a

little bit of a singer. I kind of came up with a song. All right.

Maybe I could be in at the beginning singing and at the end. Do you want

to sing with me? OK# Despicable 3, three are despicable, which one is

best? # That is unpickable. I like it doesn't really have notes.

just know when you have a lift. have to share it. It flows easily. I

might take a picture of myself, but not with you. OK. Can I photobomb

you? Hi, Miranda. When can I come to LA? This is your BFF! Pick up the

phone! Stacey-May there. It's Stacey-Mayonnaise there. At least

one of us is paying attention. to Phil at the gardens. Any luck

with that rare bee? Well, we have been out here for ages now and still

no bee. If you can believe it. Seriously, I am actually quite angry

now. I would rather be at home. My hayfever's kicking off, my back is

killing me, I am itching everywhere. Bee, ah! Oh, cheese and crackers.

You smashed it. You smashed the rarest bee in the world! Oh, no.

Well, there we are. An ultra rare bumblebee live, well not alive, on

DNN. Any chaps I will still get on Springwatch -- any chance I will

still get on Springwatch? Every chance you will get on Crimewatch.

Take them back. Another great report from Phil there. What's this?

is my newspaper, Felicity. The Bobograph This is the same words

over. Not all of it. Bottom of page six. You have drawn a kitten.Yeah,

Bob and cat. Shall we wrap this up? It's not a gift, just put it in your

bag. That's all from us today.She's been the savvy Felicity Bond and