Why Can't I Get Hold of Sawblaind the Municipal? Little Howard's Big Question

How much?!

Oh, stop it, Big Howard! That tickles!

Mother, will you look the other way when I'm doing my online banking?

Oooh! Why did you spend £300

-at Mr Chunky's Gentleman's Girdles And Corsets Emporium?

-I didn't!

I mean, of all the diabolical libraries!

"Diabolical liberties," Little Howard.

Hold my calls, Big Howard, I've got work to do!

You'll have to hold your own calls.

I've got to set up a payment to my favourite tax-deductable charity.

HORN BLARES

I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my Bi-i-ig Questions!

Why can't I get hold of Sawblade the Municipal?

What?!

Um, Big Howard, you've just donated every penny

you own to your favourite charity.

How very generous of you.

What IS Big Howard's favourite charity?

AFPFSFEVIP.

The Association For Providing Free Scarves For Every Vole In Purley.

Good. So it's not gone to waste, then.

HORN BLARES

# I love moneys, I love moneys

# All those happy little chirpy little moneys

# With their tails and their bananas

# I thin that if we all were moneys we'd have happier mananas

# Give me moneys, lots of moneys

# For you now that it's the moneys I adore

# If my love said that she did not love those moneys

# I wouldn't love her any more. #

Thank you very much!

The last 2,000 times you've sung that song,

the words were, "I love monkeys."

Yeah, the letter K's fallen off the autocue.

You shouldn't need an autocue! You should have learned the script!

Sorry, Bag Harold.

Big Howard!

Got... Got... Got... Got...

Got... Got...

You see, it was all a mistake...

No, no, nobody thinks that voles need free scarves more than I do,

but that's all my money.

Hello?

-Fancy giving all your money to voles!

-I didn't, you did!

-You're the one that pressed the button with your face!

-Got... Got!

Not him again! I've got every single one!

Little Howard, what are you doing? And who is Sump-bend the Mountebank?

Sawblade the Municipal.

He's the rarest Belph card in

Dragonmoon Magicmoon Quest. You haven't got him, have you?

The rarest what card in What What Magic What What?!

Dragonmoon Magicmoon Quest.

It's only the most popular trading card game

for the under-12s this fortnight.

Get with the programme, loser!

And you've got every single card

-apart from See-Saw the Moneypenny?

-Sawblade the Municipal!

The only person who has Sawblade is Boy On The Swings.

-Oh, not him again!

-Yes! Him again. I'm in a bidding war.

-How can you be in a bidding war? You haven't got any money!

-Barter!

It's how people bought and sold things before money was invented -

exchanging them for things they thought were of equal value.

-Bartering.

-You don't know anything, Mother.

It's not bartering, it's swapsies.

And the price for Sawblade's getting out of hand.

It started off at four penny chews

and now it's got up to Jilly's mum's car and a Fruit Corner!

But what could possibly be more valuable than that?!

How about £90 million worth of gold?

MUSIC: "Gold Digger" by Kanye West

# Now, I ain't saying she's a gold-digger

# But she ain't messing with no broke bro

# Now, I ain't saying she's a gold-digger

# But she ain't messing with no broke bro

# Get down, girl, go ahead, get down

# Get down, girl, go ahead, get down

# Get down, girl, go ahead, get down

# Get down, girl, go ahead... #

Er, sorry, why have you got a wheelbarrow with you?

Oh, yes. This is just my lucky wheelbarrow. I take it everywhere.

You can't fill it up with gold or bank notes.

Why not?! You've got loads!

Gold is only valuable because of its scarcity.

Ooh! Is that the town where Dracula lives?

Scarcity actually means that something's really rare.

Right underneath where we're standing now

are the Bank of England's gold vaults,

where they've got £90 billion worth of gold in them.

Nobody really liked carrying gold around.

Gold is so heavy. This bar weighs two stone or 13kg.

They would take it into the Bank of England, leave it

with the bank and get given a receipt or a bank note in return for it.

If you look at a £5 note, for example, it still says on it,

"I promise to pay the bearer on demand, the sum of..."

signed by the Chief Cashier of the Bank Of England.

-Can I keep this?

-No.

Thank you.

I'm not trying to steal your gold or anything! Just coming!

So that's why I can't let you take any gold or bank notes away with you.

Come on, I'll scratch your back, you scratch mine.

What do you mean by "scratch my back"?

Well, I mean, I'd actually physically scratch your back.

So you're saying that in return for me letting you scratch my back,

I would let you walk out of here with a load of gold and bank notes?

That's about the size of it, yes.

Do you know, if an adult had tried that, they'd be in big trouble.

ALARM WAILING

What?!

# She gives me money when I'm in need... #

I do like voles, but seriously, I need to get my money back.

Thanks very much for the scarves, mister!

It's a pleasure... Hey! Why do you need eight scarves?!

Hello? Hello?

Argh! The Boy On A Swing is just being unreasonable now!

Why, what's Chilblain the Medicinal going for now?

It's Sawblade the Municipal!

Darren Hughes, who smells of eggs, has offered him a go on his scooter

and his mum's villa in the South of France.

-Blimey!

-Yes! I know! He never lets anyone have a go on his scooter!

No! I mean...blimey,

that is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life!

# Can anybody find me somebody to love? #

THAT is the most beautiful woman you've seen in your life?

I think you need to pay more attention, Big Howard.

I need to know what the most expensive thing in the world is.

Jacob Masters, the one with the built-up shoe,

-has just really upped the ante.

-You mean he's put the price up?

-Yes.

He's put the price up to his auntie.

-She cooks very nice cakes, and she's got a glass eye!

-Cool!

Roger, this woman's amazing!

She's a litter picker in the park.

So you've fallen for a pooper scooper. What you telling me for?

Well, I need some advice, um, and you're the only person I know

who isn't a child or a computer.

Well, you've come to the right pigeon.

I'm very popular with the birds. And the chicks.

But how do I make her like me?

-Propose.

-What?!

-Propose marriage to her as soon as you speak to her.

-She'll like that.

-Won't that freak her out a bit?

Well, look at you - she's going to be freaked out anyway.

One of the most expensive things in the world is a building!

Where do you think it is?

Well, it's not in Purley, so...Croydon?

It's in space!

It's the International Space Station! It's the largest man-made

thing in space, it weighs 350 metric tonnes, travels around the world

16 times a day and is estimated to be worth 160 billion dollars!

Wow!

Little Howard to Ground Control.

Aaaargh!

-Aaaargh!

-Bad dream sequence?

-You really think I should buy her a diamond ring?!

-Definitely!

But I've given all my money to voles!

-Shouldn't I get to know her first?

-Oh, no. Fatal.

Give her a whacking great diamond and ask her to marry you.

It never fails. Given all your money to what?!

The next thing on my list is the Great Star Of Africa.

Look, I got into enough trouble trying to nick a space station!

Oh, it's not a star, it's a diamond!

Big Howard, can we go to Africa, please?

-Only if I can go halves on the diamond!

-It's not in Africa,

it's in the Tower Of London - it is part of the Crown Jewels.

BOTH: The Crown Jewels?

MUSIC: "Diamonds Are Forever"

# Diamonds are forever

# They are all I need to please me

# They can stimulate and tease me

# They won't leave in the night

# I've no fear that they might desert me... #

It says here that the Star of Africa is the largest polished diamond

in the world, which was cut from the biggest diamond ever dug up -

-the Cullinan Diamond, which weighed 530 carrots!

-What!?

It weighed the same as 530 carrots?!

Yeah! Oh, oh, no, no, carat.

-It's spelt C-A-R-A-T.

-No, it isn't.

No, it isn't. Ooh, in this case, it is.

Carat, when it isn't an orange root vegetable,

is how they measure the weight of a diamond.

You can value a diamond by its weight and by its brilliance.

Brilliance!

# Don't need the money, boys, cos I got lots and lots... #

Excuse me, are you a Lambchopper?

-Beefeater.

-Bless you.

-Beefeater is our nickname.

Yeoman Warders of the Tower of London are called Beefeaters.

Right, OK. How much, then?

-How much for what?

-How much for the Crown Jewels?

-The Crown Jewels are priceless.

-Yes, I had noticed that.

Have you broken your pricing sticker gun?

We don't have a pricing sticker gun.

Doesn't matter how much money you've got, you cannot buy them.

OK, you've pushed me into this...

I think you'll find that should cover it.

-What's that?

-That is Higgsbalm, Lord of Hamsnazzum.

The unifying overlord of the honey-glazed kingdoms

of Ham and Snazzum?

-His flinging power is...

-Go away!

-Can someone discuss...

-That way!

SQUEAKING NOISES

Two, three, four...

# Thank you for the scarves! Thank you for the scarves! #

Go away! Shoo, shoo, go away! No, go away.

Flippin' voles!

-The Chickenlicker said...

-Beefeater.

Yeah, he said I couldn't have the Crown Jewels,

not even in swapsies for Higgsbalm, Lord of Hamsnazzum!

What?! But that's the only card that can summon the Skuff Buzzard!

I told him! But he didn't seem to care!

Well, he must have been eating infected beef.

-Little Howard, come and look at these.

-Oh, they're lovely.

-What are they?

-They're fake diamond rings.

I couldn't afford a real one cos of the voles.

That one looks like an ice cube glued to a key ring.

Roger said I need diamond ring

to persuade the girl who works down the park to marry me.

Why don't you just ask her out?

Well, that's just... Ooh. That might actually work! Yeah.

Really, Big Howard, you should know by now Roger's stupid featherbrained

plans only ever lead to trouble.

Hello?

About the Crown Jewels.

-Do you want to nick 'em?

-I'll be right over.

It has long been my ambition to steal, thieve, nick, snatch,

plunder or pilfer the Crown Jewels.

I have devised three brilliant, foolproof plans to choose from.

Which cannot possibly go wrong.

Plan A - we follow the lead of the only man who has ever

attempted this audacious feat, Colonel Thomas Blood.

In 1671, Colonel Thomas Blood set about trying to steal

the Crown Jewels.

He dressed up as a vicar and befriended Talbot Edwards,

the custodian of the Crown Jewels.

The Crown Jewels have a custard toad called Ian?

-No, custodian means he was in charge of 'em.

-Oh, right.

After visiting Talbot several times,

he asked if he and his mates could 'ave a squizz at the King's bling.

When the vault was open, Colonel Blood hit Edwards over the head

with a mallet and stabbed him.

Then he flattened the crown, stuffed the orb and sceptre down his pants,

after failing to saw it in half.

At this point, Edwards woke up and shouted.

Murder! The Crown is stolen!

And the gang was captured. Colonel Blood was a canny fella, though,

and refused to be interviewed by anyone but King Charles II himself.

-Why?

-Because he knew the King was a bit of a spaniel.

I don't know, Roger...

Sounds a bit murdery.

Fine! Plan B - the Queen will be flashing some of her fancy danglers

at the State Opening of Parliament.

As she enters the House of Lords, we swing down from the Press Gallery

with big nets, nab the twinklies and escape!

Nothing could possibly go wrong!

Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the first two,

-but what's Plan C?

-Plan C.

Oh, yes! We drive around the Tower of London

really fast in brightly coloured pedal Minis, and shout at each other

like angry Cockney gangsters!

Hmmm...

Let me think.

I've overdone the lips, love, I've overdone the lips.

Thing is, you might have to buy the coffees,

because I've given all my money to a charity that buys scarves for voles.

The Association For Providing Free Scarves For Every Vole In Purley?!

That's my favourite charity! I love voles!

Hiya, flappy legs!

-Hiya, bloke in a dress who's with flappy legs.

-This is Margaret!

That's a funny name for a bloke.

Hello! We're going to steal the Crown Jewels!

-Do you want to come?

-You're what?! Are you involved in this?

-No!

I'll take that as a no, then.

-Wahey!

-What was that all about?

I've never seen that pigeon before in my life!

Roger, why are the Crown Jewels so valuable?

Well, it's like your Sawblade card - scarcity, lad, scarcity.

# There's only one of it, and everybody wants it

# There's only one of it, so you've got to pay

# The Boy has got it, and if everybody wants it

# Then you're going to keep on paying until judgement day! #

Cor, look at her! She's a right little raven, she is... Argh!

Here, budge up.

The Crown Jewels are in that building!

Ooh, I can see them. You keep watch!

CRASHING AND BANGING

Right, I've got 'em!

They were really quite reasonable. Put your foot down!

Now put the other foot down.

Now put them down alternately, with consistent and combined force.

-Just pedal the car!

-Well, why didn't you say?!

Look at it! We're rich beyond our weirdest dreams!

# There's only one of 'em and everybody wants 'em

# There's only one of them, so they're going to pay

# And we have got 'em, and if everybody wants 'em

# Then they're going to pay to see 'em until judgment day! #

ALARM RINGS

-Roger, look out!

-You're driving!

-Oh, yeah. Argh!

Hold it, stay still, get back. I can't... I can't quite reach them!

Roger, they look a bit small to be all the Crown Jewels.

They are a bit tiddlier than I thought.

And they look plastic.

Of course they look plastic, they do that to, um, deter thieves.

See, you're a thief and it's deterring you!

And there's a picture on the box of a cat wearing a crown.

And the words "Cat Crown Jewels"

are written on it. Roger, I think this might be a crown for a cat.

Oh...feathers! I thought it was a bit odd that

there was a great big pile of them.

And that they let me have it for £7.99.

# There's quite a lot of them and not a lot'll want 'em

# There's quite a lot of them, so who's going to pay?

# You need a cat if you are going want to buy 'em

# And a cat that dresses in a quite extravagant way! #

Well, I'm going home. I'll just wait for the bridge to go down again.

# There's quite a lot of them and not a lot'll want 'em

# There's quite a lot of them, so who's going to pay?

# You need a cat if you are going to want to buy 'em

# And a cat that dresses in a quite extravagant way! #

It was an easy mistake to make!

Sorry.

You are awful, Howard!

You've even taken all your money out of the charity,

you...you vole hater!

# Somebody to love... #

-How did your date go?

-She dumped me.

So, much as normal, then.

Yes, except the reason she dumped me was she thought I was using her as

an alibi cos I was in on your plot to steal the Crown Jewels.

Cuh, women, eh?

Not "Cuh, women!" I completely understand why she'd think that!

What was going through your head?!

-I needed Sawblade the Municipal!

-I hope you understand now,

there are some things can cost you more than money.

-Sore-bum the Monkey-puzzle...

-Sawblade the Municipal!

..him...has cost me my girlfriend, and could

have landed you and Roger in jail!

You scarf-stealing rotter!

Oh, no. I've been getting this all day.

My neck's all cold because of you!

-You horrible man.

-You got your money back from the vole charity, then?

That's the other reason she dumped me. Margaret's a volunteer

for the charity and she had to spend yesterday

taking scarves back off freezing voles.

And I got talking to Boy Down The Swings' dad earlier.

What, Bloke Down The Pub?

He said Boy Down has already given Sawbum the Moony Poo...

SAWBLADE THE MUNICIPAL!

Yeah, given him to Angela Merriweather

for a bag of sherbet lemons and a snog.

Why would anyone do that?!

It seems that some people value snogs and sherbet lemons higher than

all the money in the world. I hope you've learned a lesson, young man.

Yes, I have.

Hello, Angela?

I'd like to offer you... £1.42 and...

a talking computer?

The Mona Lisa, you say?