Piece of Me My Almost Famous Family

# And if the man can't dance

# He gets no second chance

# And if the man can't dance

# He gets no second chance

# And if the man can't dance

# He gets no second chance. #

One more time! Give it up for the totally wicked We're In Perfect Harmony! Yay!

-Will that do?

-Lovely, darling. I believed every word.

-We're done with the dress rehearsal.

You guys can crawl back into the barrel they scraped you from.

Mummy, about this special guest...

No, no, no, no! I won't have it.

-He's not on the show!

-DOOR SLAMS

-Please!

-DOOR SHUTS

Um, Annabelle, I assume that means we're finished here and can get changed now.

If you must insist on having a life then, yes.

You ready for football, Hadley?

-Oh, yes!

-Me too!

BOTH: # Oh when the Blues Come marching in

# Oh, when the Blues... #

What d'you think, just a touch more vibrato?

-You got it, Dad.

-# Oh, when the Blues... #

He's tough, he rocks, he's gonna rock your socks, Hadley Swann!

Hadley Swann! So what did you think?

Tuneful, concise. I'll add it to my repertoire.

B sharp major feels about right.

Bah, bah, dee, de, bip, bah, dim.

-All done.

-Thanks, beautiful.

Hadley, what have you got in there?

Er, spare kit, second spare kit, energy drink and anti-shine powder.

It's a very sweaty sport, so...

Are you sure you've got everything you need?

Ooh! Sunscreen.

How about these?

Oh. Oh, yeah. Imagine if I'd forgotten those.

Silly!

-You did last week, and you didn't even realise.

-Aretha!

Well, someone's gotta say something, Mum. He's been playing

for the under-13s for the last four years and he's never set foot on the pitch.

Well, that's not true.

Handing out the half-time refreshments does not count.

Hi!

How's my favourite family band?

-Itching to get back into our barrel.

-THEY LAUGH

Just my little joke!

You know, I love you guys, which is why you're doing two songs this week!

-We are?!

-That's right. Dakota Fox is unavailable...

suddenly. So you're going to be doing an extra song.

Be on set in ten minutes...with another song.

That's not fair!

The can't do that, Dad. It's football day.

I know, but we don't have another song.

So what are we gonna do?

That song I wrote the other day about young women's empowerment?

-Well, er, Aretha could sing it, solo.

-Ah!

I love women's empowerment!

-Yay, girl power!

-And Martha could dance. You said you'd help me with the arrangement the other day.

I know it's football today, but this is a sort of an emergency.

Erm...yeah. It's all right.

I know the band comes first.

I'll get a taxi to the match and then Mikey could drop me home.

Thanks, son. I'll come to the end of the game, if I can. I promise.

I'd never have dared augment that seventh without you.

-Rubbish. I hardly did anything!

-True.

I'll just get those oranges then if I'm quick I'll catch the last ten minutes of Hadley's match.

-Cool! We've got a letter from Dad!

-Oh!

No, no. You can read it after I've read it.

-Just tell me if he sent money!

-He sent...

..these.

Oh, my gosh! We're going to Vegas!

-When?

-It doesn't say! I'm goin' to Vegas, baby!

Oh, Sean.

-What's up?

-He's cancelled his trip next month.

He says, "I have a gig I just can't turn down".

That's why he sent the tickets.

Seems a fair trade to me.

It means he'll miss the NBA in London.

The Lakers.

He's been taking Isaac to the Lakers since Isaac was tiny.

-It was their thing.

-I see. I think I'll just...

What about Had...?

Look, I know that you're disappointed about your dad,

but I'm sure it's not his fault. These things happen.

Yeah. They happen cos dads are totally unreliable!

-Do you know what? We need a thing.

-A thing?

-Yeah. Like a hobby, a game, a sport.

Anything.

Well, there is a two by two dad and son tournament at the gym.

Basketball? I've never played... I don't know.

Whatever. It's just a stupid game.

And so a thing was born!

Come on, hit me.

OK. We're gonna need a lot of practice.

Two, one! Two, one! Two, one!

-Oh. OK, what's happening?

-Who's this?

I'm Mikey. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet to you too.

Why is your footie friend signing at me? Do I look deaf?

-Er, no. But Mikey is.

-Oops.

That would make more sense.

Is that actual mud on your kit?

Oh, yes! Toyah, Aretha, you are looking at the top scoring

partnership of Brickfield Park Under 13s football team.

-SHE GIGGLES

-You actually scored?!

You actually played?

Yes! It was amazing!

I came on as a sub in the last four minutes.

I take it all the other subs were injured?

No! Actually, there was a Cub Scout Jamboree, but the point is I scored

and I couldn't have done it without our amazing midfielder here.

Midfield, right? Do you play box-to-box or stay in the hole?

-Box- to-box.

-So, you play a standard 4-4-2 formation?

4-4-2. I didn't know you knew about football!

Hot guys in shorts? Do the math.

-It's so amazing to meet you all.

-Yeah, it must be.

Ooh, where's Dad? He'll be so gutted he missed my goal.

Is he still stuck in the studio?

No. He's outside playing basketball with Isaac.

Er...OK.

Um, could you just...wait here a minute?

OK, let's start with dribbling.

Use your fingertips, not your palms. Get lower down to the floor.

Are you OK, Dad? You all right?

Yeah. I'm fine. Hadley!

Sorry I didn't make the match. How did they do?

Er, I scored the winning goal.

You scored a goal?! Well done. That's fantastic!

Yeah. You missed my winning header.

Well, I say header, it was more of a ricochet.

Actually, it quite hurts.

But, hey, you wouldn't know because you were playing basketball with Isaac.

OK. Will it help if I promise that this will never happen again?

Of course it won't happen again because you just missed

the only goal I'm ever going to score in my whole life.

Martha, meet Mikey.

-Mikey, Martha.

-Hi, Martha.

This is your surprise.

You two have got a lot in common.

Erm...no.

No.

Be my friend because I'm your family's biggest ever fan.

Ask me anything about the band. Anything.

University Challenge. Ask me another.

Trick question. He loves all food.

See, I knew you two'd get along.

All right, I've got one. When was our first TV appearance?

Er, April 21st, 2007.

First heat of Family Fame Factory.

You wore your hair up in a pink jewelled scrunchy.

And here it is.

-Is that my scrunchy?

-Yep. It came with a certificate of authenticity.

Someone's making money off me and it's not me.

"Celebrity bin dive dot com."

"Treasure the trash of your favourite celebrities." I don't believe it.

I know. Talk about dumbing down.

It's your hanky!

"Finest Egyptian cotton, with genuine Toyah snot."

-Someone's paying for my snot?

-Nah. You've got no bidders.

Oh. Which is a good thing.

Clearly, my fans are more interested in my music than the contents of my nose.

My sweaty towel just sold for £15.

Good for you. I'm so glad your fans are worshipping you for your bodily emissions.

It sounds disgusting, but I like it.

Oh, my G! There's actually a chart system

-telling you how much you're worth.

-Really? Am I on there?

Don't even dignify it with a glance. Exploiting fans is morally wrong.

The ultimate commodification of celebrity.

-So I'm above you?

-Two places.

Number 1663. Yes!

All right, don't get too cocky. Hadley's 1658.

How about Isaac?

-1311.

-Annabelle!

-1856.

-Yes, we're higher than Annabelle!

Oh, please. As if it matters where you are on this tacky chart.

Oh, shut up, 1665!

I'm bushed. Exercise this early in the day can't be good for you.

Well, you're doing really well. You almost sunk that last hoop.

You just need a little more practice.

Yeah. Give me 40 winks and I'll do the all the practice you like.

Mikey! What happened?

No biggie. Just a bit of a sprain.

But I'll be on these bad boys for a week or so.

But what about the team? It's the quarter-finals on Saturday.

-We'll bring on a sub.

-A sub?!

But Colin's asthma, the hayfever season it gets awful.

And Alison Docherty's away on fat camp.

So?

So who else is there?

Oh. You don't mean?

I'm on the team?

I'm on the team!

You are going to have to help me train every spare second.

You might like to know that your hanky's just been sold.

OK. I am officially retiring from the human race.

So you don't want to know how much they paid for it?

-No.

-£24.

-What?!

-Yep, and it means you've moved up a staggering 17 places up the chart.

-Really?

Yeah. You're now officially higher than Hadley. Congratulations, number 1648.

-You've got to help me.

-What now?

I've promised to spend all my spare time practising for Isaac's basketball tournament.

I'm also committed to spending every waking minute doing football training with Hadley.

It's about a father's love and I need to show that love

with a rigidly organised system. I immediately thought of you.

Toyah was busy, right?

Some Internet thing, but I bet Doctor Abigail has got some excellent ideas.

Go on, you know you want to.

Make a system for Gary.

-BLEEP

-Oh!

In your face, Swann fan underscore one!

-What are you doing?

-Er...

Oh, my gosh. You're bidding on your own dirty socks.

You see, that's where you're wrong. I just won my own dirty socks.

And this is good because why?

Because this way I get to keep my privacy, my dignity, and my...

socks.

And besides, I've never won anything before.

You've just paid £10 for your own foot smell.

I'm just giving it back to its rightful owner.

Hm. So this has got nothing to do with your online chart position? Oh, my gosh! You're number 1267!

Really? I hadn't looked.

You've moved up like 200 places.

381, actually.

Now, if you don't mind,

I need to make a stand against rampant consumerism.

Eurgh! You're bidding on a cotton bud?

Actually, I prefer to think of it as liberating my own ear wax.

It's pretty self-explanatory, really.

These symbols represent family members.

-Martha, Gary, Hadley.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why am I a carrot?

-I'm a fish?!

Well, it's a work in progress, honey.

-Dr Abigail says...

-Why am I a fish?

OK, honey.

You can be...

-a banana.

-Thank you.

Now these symbols represent activities.

Band practice, schoolwork.

Is this Demolition Derby?

That's our car.

That represents travel.

Ooh, don't forget you're taking me to buy a cello on Thursday.

-And you're taking your favourite step-daughter shopping.

-Can't we postpone it?

-Well, you could give me your PIN number and me and the credit card can go on our own,

-No, no, no.

-Isaac's got two hours more training time than me!

-What?

Don't worry, I'll make time.

Look, gardening, cancelled. The jungle look is in this year.

Goodbye dental appointment. I'll just take extra strength painkillers. Adios, new haircut.

Right. Has everyone got a big enough piece of me?

-So, what am I doing now?

-Football.

See, it works! We just needed a system.

I'll go and get changed.

CLATTERING

You want a cup of coffee?

Let me check. Yep, I'll take it on the go.

I'll drink it when I'm coaching Hadley.

-After the game today, do I get to spend some time with you?

-Yeah.

I've been looking forward to it. Make sure you mark it on the timetable.

Er, Gary?

-Yep?

-How are you going to play basketball

with Isaac and watch Hadley play football at the same time?

-What?!

-See for yourself. They're both at five.

How did this happen?

OK. Keep calm, let me think.

Got it! Invent time travel, go back in time, put this right.

-That way I can be in two places at the same time.

-Or you could ring the sports centre

and move your basketball game.

Or that.

-What are you bidding on now?

-Nothing.

-I've run out of moisturiser. You got some?

-Sold it.

You're selling your own stuff?

My fans deserve the chance to have a piece of Toyah.

Did Toyah just talk about herself in the third person?

Yeah, she did. Nothing wrong with a bit of online promotion.

No. But you're sharing the contents of your plughole with the world. I am officially intervening.

No! If you want to help me, you can parcel up these dirty face wipes.

They should fetch at least a fiver.

Stop! Honey, this has to end. You're becoming so shallow and fame obsessed. And that's my job.

PHONE RINGS

Speaking of which. Hello.

So when you're trying to control the ball, make sure you stay centre of your forehead.

Centre of the forehead. Right. Should I be writing this down?

Try to remember if you can.

Can you believe this?

Jill wants us to re-record the whole song, and I quote,

"I like the feminist theme, but replace the reference to Joan of Arc with Cheryl Cole or Lady Gaga."

So you're going to the TV studio now?

Well, why don't you take Mikey?

I've always wanted to visit a TV studio. Please?

And he is our biggest fan.

It isn't a weave.

None.

Because you're the devious one.

So, can I go to the studio?

-Let's get this over with.

-Oh, Mikey?

You left your, um...your crutches.

-They've moved the basketball game to 12. You'd better get your skates on.

-What about football?

That's not till five. See?

No, it's at 12. Someone has moved it.

Well, I didn't move it. Why would I move it?

You...me...outside...now.

# Me and you

# One on one.

# Best of five?

# Bring it on

# You must know what this is about Even a drummer could work it out

# He dribbles, dummies, oh, what skill

# Shoots the hoop, one nil

# This ain't about basketball It's more than that. # Ooh, one all!

# It's just like when we were kids You got your way You always did.

# Stop playing games. #

You're talking total junk.

# Stop playing games. #

He beats his man. Slam dunk.

# Stop playing games. #

One rule for me, one rule for you

# Stop playing games. #

That's how it is. Two two!

# Just a sec, quick time out

# What the heck is this about?

# Are you mad?

# Don't you get it? You stole my Dad. #

There, I said it.

Oh, finally! Hurry up, get on stage.

-Wait. Who's this?

-I'm a fan.

Oh, a fan. How sweet. I guess you want an autograph?

Not really, thanks. I'm with the band.

-Mummy! Call Security. Civilian on set.

-Yeah. He's with us.

Oh, I'm sorry. Remind me of the name of the show? Is it The Totally Toyah Show? Yeah, no, I thought not.

-Whatever, 1856.

-Why is she calling me 1856?

-I don't know, 1856.

Tell me what they're talking about and I might let you back on the show.

It's your ranking on Celebrity Bin Dive dot com.

You should check it out.

Yeah and see how popular you aren't.

Mummy!

PIANO MUSIC

I've changed my mind. You should watch Hadley. Blood's thicker than water.

That's not true.

Well, it's technically true, but I've always treated you both equally.

Yeah, I know, but... Basketball was our thing.

Mine and my dad's, not mine and yours.

-I'm not trying to replace your dad.

-Yeah, I know, but I just don't want to play with you any more.

Oh! OK, right.

-So no more slam danks then?

-Slam dunks.

-Slam dunks.

-Yes.

-So you're gonna go and watch Hadley play football?

-Right.

Are you sure it's not slam danks?

Wait!

Hi! Sorry about before.

-That's OK.

-Anyway, I was just gonna throw out this old scrapbook.

-Right.

Just old reviews.

-You know, hacks going on and on about how great I am.

-OK.

So I... So I think this would be worth quite a lot of money on the

Internet, say, if someone were to steal it from my bin.

Why don't you shred it, then?

Because I want you to take it and sell it!

Hadley, what happened?

Oh, I hurt my ankle.

-Right.

-Yep. Looks like no football for me.

So you'd better get off to basketball.

It hurts.

Does this hurt? HE GROANS

Ow! Yes!

-That's really, mm, yes.

-Wrong foot.

-What?

-You were limping on the other foot when you came in.

-Was I?

Oh, yeah. Ow. Oh!

Look, I know you're really nervous about your match, but don't worry, I'll be there.

I don't want you there!

Oh, no, I mean, I do, but it's not the football that I like.

It's spending time with my dad. And right now it's Isaac

that needs a dad, so go and play basketball with him.

Can't I just be a cheerleader? It'd be less painful.

Look at this. Annabelle's given Mikey her scrapbook to sell,

but I don't know who'll be interested in...

Ooh, I didn't know Annabelle was in the same year as Dakota Fox at stage school.

That makes no sense. The same year?!

Dakota's way older than Annabelle.

Annabelle aged 13. 13-year-old Annabelle...

Annabelle, 13.

Looks like Annabelle stayed 13 for...

-..six years!

-So she ain't no Teen Queen after all.

The Bin Dive community are gonna go wild for this!

So she has been lying all these years.

Wow. Fame can make you do crazy things...

-BLEEP

-Ooh!

My hair ball just sold for £35!

Whoo! C'mon! Let's play some ball!

Well, I mean, you can play some ball and I'll watch some ball.

You sure you want to do this?

Yeah, come on. It can be our new thing. In fact, I have been working on some chants.

-# I'm Had.

-I'm Dad. We're really, really bad.

What were you thinking? If Popsnitch ever get hold of that scrapbook...

They won't, Mummy! I'm buying it back, see?

-BLEEPING

-Noooo! Somebody's topped my bid!

Well, top them back!

GIGGLING

How far are we gonna take this?

I don't want to be cruel.

-Another week?

-BOTH: Maybe two.

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