The Girl is Mine My Almost Famous Family

Hey, where are you headed?

-Um, make-up. You?

-Make-up. You?

Haven't you been done already?

Shiny nose. Talk about Rudolph. Wait.

Haven't you already got make-up on?

I...like it.

And, I've got a greasy T-zone, so...

But you don't need make-up!

Well, neither do you!

-Hi, guys.

-Hi, Sandy.

So...Sandy.

-I'm gonna ask her out.

-What?! No - you can't ask her out.

That's not fair! I...really, really like her.

Well, so do I.

Maybe with one less "really".

In fact, I'm pretty much planning my moves as we speak.

-You've got moves?

-I have many moves.

Yeah, well, I have many moves, too.

PUNCHING SOUNDS

BELL RINGS

Right, I'm not getting back up, am I?

Nope, you're pretty much kissing the canvas.

Are you sure you'll be OK without your dad and me for a few days?

Why is everyone looking at me?

Because of your grade eight cello exam?

So?

If it's anything like grade five and six, I'm going with Mum and Dad.

And if it's anything like grade seven, I'm not coming back!

Relax! I've got it under control.

I've got my practice timetable right there. Argh!

It's not there.

Where's it gone? I've lost my timetable!

It's OK. I've got it.

-Maybe we shouldn't go.

-Mum...

You and Gary need to spend time alone and, you know, cement the bonds of your marriage and stuff.

You just want to perform without us on Friday.

Yeah, I know. It's gonna be so cool!

-But we'll miss you!

-Hmm.

-OK, lotta plans!

-I thought we agreed no plans? Just see where the road takes us?

Which will be the Museum of Musical Instruments on the B6347.

Whoa, party on!

OK, we just need the babysitter to get here and we can get off.

Ah.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome The Babysitter!

-Grandad!

-'Ello, kitchen!

Oh, whoa, whoa... Whoa, whoa... I'm gonna need a leg up here, leg up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Head-rush, head-rush.

-OK, Gran-dude?

-Yes, and less of the gran, a bit more of the dude.

Dad's the babysitter?!

-Relax, I've done this before.

-That's what I'm scared of.

-What's the big deal? You always got home.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Listen, don't worry about the kids, don't worry about the show.

-Have I ever let you down?

-Well...

Come on, you ain't got all day.

Bye, kids! Have fun!

Try not to break anything.

ALL: We won't!

I was talking to Terry.

Swann family rulebook.

Cleaning rotas, bedtimes, dos and don'ts. Read it. Bye!

Bye!

Rules? Where we're going, we don't need any rules.

Hey!

C'mon, move it. This is our first show without the oldies and I wanna make the most of it.

We can do whatever we want!

How about we try something a little bit crazy, a little bit out there, a bit...baroque?

SHE PLAYS CLASSICAL STYLE MUSIC

-Grade eight-stylee.

-OK, let me explain.

We can do whatever we want...that's not dorky.

So, I see a single spotlight, you guys in the shadows, and me doing this...

And then...hit it, Isaac!

THEY START TO PLAY

Hold up! Hold up!

I haven't missed anything, have I? Just give me a moment.

This baby's seen some action.

Sorry, Terry.

We're actually trying to rehearse at the moment, for the show.

Yeah. By ourselves.

That's why I'm here. I've been on the phone to your producer.

We're going to be doing one of my old numbers.

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

You're serious?

I thought we'd do my classic, On The Road.

Follow me. This is how she goes...

# I'm on the road again

# That much is true

# I'm on the road again

# It's taking me away from you... #

Hadley, that's where you come in.

It's all right - I got it covered. It's all right.

Isaac, on the drums. Get some skins going. Bah dah boom bam bam...

Aretha, it's more like, "Aaaaah!"

# I'm on the road again

# That much is true

# I'm on the road again

# It's taking me away from you. #

I think we took a wrong turn. Are you sure this is the B6347?

I don't know, I thought we were just following the open road.

Would you please, for me, look at the map?

This isn't about the map, is it?

-You're mad at me for leaving your dad in charge of the kids.

-No!

-Yes!

-People change, Gary.

Your dad needs the space to grow his relationship with his grandchildren.

-Trust me, OK?

-OK.

But the first thing I'm doing when I get home is counting the children.

Gary, why are we going right? I said the open road, honey.

Hey, Sandy!

Ah, just the man.

A little forward, but hey.

This isn't quite how I remembered it.

Testing a new lipstick. I've got loads of new colours.

So cool how you do that.

Well, I could give you lessons if you want.

That would be great. Cos you know I always wanted to grow up and be a professional drumstick twirler.

Really? Me too!

How about you come round my house tomorrow night I'll show you my whole drumstick collection?

Oh, yeah? That would be so much fun!

Great! It's a date.

So Sandy, what cocktails do you like?

GLASSES SMASH

Don't tell me. You asked Sandy out, didn't you?

How do you do that?

It's written all over your face...

in midnight pearl eyeshadow and twilight teaser lipstick, if I'm not mistaken.

Ah.

Pretty!

I kinda like it.

-Great, so you win and I'm the loser again.

-Don't beat yourself up.

Sandy just couldn't help herself.

I'm irresistible.

-Do you feel better now?

-Oh, much better.

Good. Cos I may have been born a babe-magnet but I don't want it to come between us.

LOUD GUITAR PLAYING DOWNSTAIRS

No! Arghh!

Ooh.

And that's how you ask a girl out. You can spin the guitar around your head of course, but that's optional.

OK... I mean, I might try and find a way of asking her

-out that isn't quite so bad for your posture, but thanks anyway.

-Grandad?

Terry!

You're playing too loud!

You call that loud? THIS is loud.

Terry? It's off.

Yeah, well sometimes the music continues in my brain.

I'm scheduled to practice my cello and I need peace and quiet.

With a few amendments, I've made some time, you know, for you to practice and "rock."

See these red sections? They're you.

Oh, you're so kind.

Let me have a look.

You can't contain music in a schedule, you crazy chick.

Now, go and make some unscheduled music.

See, this is what following the road gets you.

The road wants us to meet that cow.

We're avoiding scenic cliche, Gary.

We're off the beaten track, ploughing our own furrow...

Look at that spectacular view!

She's actually pooing.

I'm thinking...fresh air, green fields...

BELLOWING

..massive bull! Argghh!

-Why did you take us off the beaten track?

-Me?!

It's OK, darling. I forgive you.

Come on!

Oh!

Quickly!

I'm getting out the door.

Get us out of here!

LOUD CRASH, THEY BOTH SCREAM

-Ugh!

-I felt bad about eating your timetable earlier.

And you can't be rehearsing on an empty stomach.

Now, this has got all the nutrients a musician needs.

Including extra chilli sauce.

Don't you like chilli sauce?

All right, all right.

Waste not, want not.

Hi, Hadley.

Hey, babe. You can call me "H." It stands for hot.

Tssssss!

HE RAPS # The H Man is here with a little inquiry

# You're free tonight, no need to check your diary

# I'll make it clear so there ain't no doubt

# You and me girl, we're going out

# It's what you want, don't try to fight it

# Your love could explode, let me ignite it

# The way you feel, there's no way to fake it

# I'm giving you the chance, I suggest you take it

# He is the Hadster

# The name is Hadley

# He is the badster

# And he wants to badly

# You're looking at the man of your dreams

# The one with the way-cool wicked rhyme schemes

# This is a chance not to be missed

# Prepare your lips, you're about to be...kissed. #

Hi, Hadley.

-Sandy!

-Was there something you wanted to ask me?

No.

Ow! How am I supposed to get comfy in this?

How am I supposed to get to sleep with you complaining all the time?

Just relax, sit back and enjoy...oof!

HE CHUCKLES

Darling, are you OK?

# I'm going in the wrong direction

# From where I wanna be

# Sadness is my destiny

# Sadness is my destiny... #

-Arggghhh!

-That's more like it.

I hate this song! And so does my voice!

A bad singer always blames the song.

It's not a song. It's a...howl-along for dogs.

Oh, really? Thanks(!)

We can't do this, OK?!

We'll be humiliated.

The vocal, the tune... if you can call it a tune... They're so past-it.

-You mean I'm past-it?

-Yeah.

But in a good way.

Look, I know your "fans"

like this "music",

but most of them can't hear too good.

You should be taking it easy.

You know, get a yappy dog or, ooh, one of those cute little shopping buggies.

-Y'know, act your age?

-I am.

Now listen, I may look like an old boiled chicken but in here...I'm 16.

No, in there you're really an old boiled chicken!

I can't believe I got a date with Sandy!

-You really like her, don't you?

-No.

I really, really like her.

Well, look. I just like her. So why don't you go over there instead?

I'll let her down slowly and then you make your move.

-But do not think a move can involve no thought whatsoever. Here she comes. Hey, Sandy.

-Hi, guys.

So, about you coming over to mine tonight to check out my drumsticks.

You were being serious about that?

Oh, I'm trying to get tickets for this Dire Straits tribute band on tonight. If there's one left.

-You like the Straits? Snap!

-Snap!

We could go together, if you like?

-Oh, I'd love to.

-Yeah, but you don't have any tickets.

-It's OK. I...know people.

I am the bad boy of rock, after all.

That's funny.

I'll see you guys later.

-You made a move.

-I made...

I made a move!

And you didn't even break out in a sweat.

What do you mean, you've sold out?

Would it make any difference if I told you this was Hadley Swann calling?

Yeah right, very funny. Er...

We'd actually like to do a feature on the band on the Annabelle Show.

Oh, so you do have tickets! Great! Courier them to me at the studio?

Brilliant. Thanks! Yes!

CELLO PLAYING FALTERINGLY

Argghhh!

I don't understand. I've been practising for hours!

There's too many semi-quavers!

Oh, no! Arghh!

Argh! You!

I can feel a lecture coming on.

Quelle surprise.

Oh, no. And it's in French.

I have just spent hours learning notes that don't even exist!

I used to do that all the time when I was on tour in the '70s.

Well, you're not on tour now, are you?

This isn't Wembley Stadium, and you are not some timelord

who's travelled back to the '70s, when you used to "wah wah wah"

your Gibson. You're just a fully grown man who still relies on three very basic, loud, discordant chords.

-You're Grandad.

-It's Terry.

-No, Grandad. It's Grandad.

And we are your grandchildren, and we need a grown-up to look after us,

and not just constantly try to be us!

Jill?

Jill!

-Jill!

-OK, yes, I can hear you.

It's about Terry!

-I'm listening.

-You cannot let him play on the show with us.

OK, let me rephrase that.

He wants to sing On The Road. It's more like On The Roadkill!

-He's going to do On The Road? On my show?

-Well, Annabelle's show.

Potato, potahto. I don't believe it.

SHE SCREAMS

You need me to call the paramedics?

Track three, side two, Darkness Over Moon Rising.

Stop spouting random words!

He has never played On The Road live before.

Even when I went to see him on his 19...hm tour, he refused to play it.

You saw Terry on his 19...hm tour? Why?

Publicity will go crazy when they hear he's going to play On The Road.

I must call them. We might even nudge the seven million barrier.

Seven million viewers?

To see me?!

Oh, and Terry.

SHE SCREAMS

TERRY PLAYS HIS GUITAR

Martha!

This isn't helping me practise my double stop scale in sixth in C major.

Yeah, and me neither!

Without the geeky part.

Nothing.

# Maybe, just maybe I came on a bit strong

# Told him there's no way I'd sing his so-called song

# Maybe, just maybe I have some small regrets

# Told him his music was only audible to pets

# May have told a rock star he should grow up

# And told him his song made me throw up

# May have told my grandad to act his age

# Rather eat my cello than appear on stage with him

# Maybe, just maybe it's something that we said...

Oh, what are we going to do?

This is all our fault.

-Well, I wouldn't say I...

-Er...

OK. This is our fault.

Where is Shalondra when you need good wholesome psychobabble advice?

Ooh, I know, role-play! You be Mom.

Why can't you be Shalondra?

Do you want me to end up in therapy?

PHONE RINGS

Hi. I've had some tickets delivered. Dire Straits, actually.

-Well, a tribute band, but pretty cool.

-Yeah, they've gone.

-What?

They said Hadley and Annabelle on the envelope, so I gave them to her.

Oh! I can't believe you got us tickets to a concert!

-Hadley, you know what this means, don't you?

-Er, no.

It's our first proper date! What time are you picking me up?

Bearing in mind I'm going to be fashionably late.

Er, right, OK. There's been a teeny mistake

and you are going to find this hilarious, but...

What's the phrase? "Those tickets aren't for you?"

What?!

-Yeah.

-You mean...we're not going on our first proper date?

-Er...

-Why?! Why aren't we going on our first proper date?!

Who are you taking to the concert instead?

-I want her name! Now!

-Isaac.

Yep. Isaac. Yeah, he's a really big Dire Straits fan.

Huge. Massive. Gigantic.

OK! I get that he's a fan!

So...tickets?

Only if you promise to go on a date with me first.

Er... Yeah. Sure. Some day.

There you go, falling at my feet again.

-It's Terry.

-There's a man with a whole lotta catsuits.

-Mom!

-Sorry.

-We kinda said some mean things about acting his age

and now he's acting his age.

Well, what d'you expect, sweetie?

People aren't just entombed Egyptian mummies

with ancient shells and disintegrated internal voids.

You don't say.

So what should we do?

Find out what's in his tomb.

OK, you're just making this up now.

Terry keeps all his stuff in here.

Maybe there's something in here that will get him interested again.

What, other than the pirate gold?

Look!

Dark Over Moon Rising, side 2, track 3, On The Road.

Suddenly she's a Glamasaurus aficionado.

Dark Over Moon Rising tour list.

Jill was right - they played every other song but not On The Road.

OK, now you're just showing off.

Hey, listen to this.

"The dawning of a brand-new day doesn't warm my soul.

"The distant son..."

I just realised. The distant son.

-That's my dad!

-Let's see.

"The distant son is too far away, and I don't feel whole."

Gary, it was a classic father-son abandonment dream you had last night.

Pterodactyl?! Hello!

If you don't get a wiggle on, we won't catch the show.

So, you're my competition, are you?

And there was me thinking he could have done so much better for himself.

Are you talking into a Bluetooth or something?

-I know about Hadley and the Dire Straits concert.

-Ah, he got tickets?

Obviously. For your little boy date.

I know he's taking you.

Why would he take me if Sandy's the big fan?

SHE SCREAMS

DOORBELL RINGS I want you back by ten, no later.

Cheers, bro.

Hi, Haddikins, you ready to go?

Annabelle, what are you doing here?

Oh, Isaac told me about your little date with the make-up artist. Or should I say ex-make-up artist?

-What have you done?!

-I did not say anything! I...

Except when I did say something in the corridor.

I thought you were happy for me!

I was! I mean, I am.

Oh, I bet you are. You stitched me up.

OK, if we could have less of the EastEnders episode and more focus on me, please!

-If this was a different century I would challenge you to a dual.

-Oh, yeah?

You and whose merry men?

Oh, you wanna play rough, do you?

Hadley!

Get off me! My back's not touching the floor, it's arched!

Hadley! If you don't stop this right now and take me to the concert, the tickets get it!

I'm warning you.

Right!

Weird!

Oh, we've got something to play you.

# I'm on the road again

# That much is true

# I'm on the road again

# It's taking me away from you. #

That's lovely girls, that's really beautiful.

Well, what we're trying to say, Terry, is...

We'd be really proud if you'd perform on the show with us.

Oh, I called you Terry then, Grandad!

Uh, sorry.

I'd love to, girls.

But your version of the song is gonna need just one or two tweaks.

Yeah!

# I'm on the road again

# That much is true

# I'm on the road again

# It's taking me away from you

# I'm heading in the wrong direction

# From where I wanna be

# So this is my destiny

# The dawning of a brand-new day

# Doesn't warm my soul

# The distant son's too far away

# And I don't feel whole

# I'm on the road again. #

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]