Matters of the Harp My Almost Famous Family

MUSIC: "Zadok The Priest by Handel

Oh, here. Allow me.

I'm so sorry. Oops.

Ah yes, you've spotted me, I am that guy off the telly.

No, you've got something on your...

Oh, er...

To be honest, I don't really watch TV.

Oh, no, me neither. TV... rubbish.

-Hmm, Batch. My favourite.

-It's Bach.

Bach. Batch.

Whichever... All I know is I love his music.

Really. Do you play?

Yes. Electric guitar.

Gibson. It rocks.

I only really like classical. Well, nice meeting you.

No, no, no. Wait! I mean electric guitar, that's just work.

My real, real passion's erm...

Harps. Yeah, I play the harp.

Really? That's amazing.

Yeah. Well, I am pretty versatile.

No, I mean, I play the harp too.

Oh, we have so much in common.

-I'd love to hear you play sometime.

-You're not the only one.

# Almost famous, and it's killing me

# I'm one step off from where I gotta be

# I want a million voices to sing back at me

# La la la, la la la, la la la

# La la la, la la la, la la la

# La la la, la la la, la la la

# La la la, la la la, la la la

# Whoo!

-What took you so long?

-I had to wait for Hadley.

You know, some people would pay good money to help me carry my bags.

I told you, I met a girl.

-Oh, fine, don't tell me why you were late.

-Focus guys!

There was an accident in the studio.

What happened?

A spotlight nearly fell on Martha. What?! She's OK.

Isaac pushed her out the way, saving her life. He's a hero!

Oh! If I hadn't been carrying your bags, I could have been a hero!

What happened?

-Are you OK?

-Oh, yeah. Forgot to mention Dad broke his leg.

So glad to know you're thinking about me.

He fell. It was entirely Gary's fault.

A large lamp smashed on the stage. I tripped on it.

It's funny how things get out of hand with something like this.

Emotions can ride high, people can start using silly words like suit.

And law. Putting them together for no reason.

Oh, could I just get you to sign this card, it's a leaving card

for Jerry in lighting. And no, he wasn't sacked, he resigned.

Jill, this seems to be a legal waiver.

Oh, how did that get in there?

I've gotta rush. Wishing you better already. Ciao!

Who's Verity?

Only the girl I'm going to marry!

Not now, obviously.

2013.

May.

24th.

-1.30...

-OK.

-..ish.

-Who are we talking here? Random model off a billboard?

No, a girl! A real live girl,

who I have a date with. Is that so hard to believe?

-Well...

-Er...

Aretha, where did you get the money to buy all of these?

I saved it?

Start talking!

OK! I did an advert.

I'm the voice of the Yappy Nappy puppy.

I didn't ask permission because I knew you guys would say no.

-Not necessarily.

-So you'd say yes?

No! You can't go behind our backs.

The least you could have done is shown me the contract.

Contract was a breeze. I sign on the dotted line,

they gave me loads of money and Aretha goes shopping.

Please tell me you read the contract.

Yes!

Some of it. The part where they pay me the loads of money.

Which you have already spent!

Look at these! How could you be so irresponsible?

Those are for you, Mom.

For me?

Oh, that's so thoughtful. They're divine.

You can't get around me that easily.

Maybe I should just see if they fit.

-Shalondra!

-Yeah, you're right, this calls for action.

Although they would look so great with my...

No, action.

This really isn't necessary.

Will you stop saying that. It's embarrassing!

She just wants to show you how grateful she is.

Yes, but I don't need to be waited on.

Wow!

Maybe if you stop looking, the book will just turn up?

-Ow!

-Sorry...

We can't wait for it to just turn up. Aretha went behind our backs!

Dr Abigail would have some excellent advice on this.

You don't need Dr Abigail.

Last I heard, she got her doctorate off the internet.

That was never proved!

We should trust our instincts.

We need to teach Aretha a lesson.

You know what, that actually sounds quite sensible.

Aretha needs to learn the importance of reading the small print.

Of course, Gary.

That is an excellent idea.

-Hadley?

-Imagine, tonight Verity and I share the same moon.

I wonder what she's doing right now.

Probably trying to get to sleep like the rest of us.

Wait till you meet her.

She's witty, she's intelligent, she's...

And you got a date with her. How did you pull that off?

It was easy.

We've got so much in common, it's uncanny.

Yeah

# We've got so much in common

# The list is so long I don't know where to begin it

# We've got so much in common

# It's on the tip of my tongue Just give me a minute

# So much in common

# We've both got teeth We've both got hair

# Man, are we are the perfect pair?

# We both breathe in We both breathe out

# Our compatibility is not in doubt

-# So much in common

-In a pod, two peas

-# So much in common

-Like similar kinds of cheese

# We've got so much in common

# The clincher was saying I played the harp

# It isn't strictly true

# So best if we brush that under the carpet. #

-You lied?

-Yes! And I got a date with her!

Maybe this is where I've been going wrong with girls.

What? Not enough lying?

PHONE VIBRATES

It's Verity!

Hello, Johann Sebastian speaking.

May I call you Bach?

I thought maybe we could hang out together tomorrow.

I could come to yours?

Er, yeah, great!

No, I've got rehearsals with the family band.

That's OK. I can watch.

I'd love to hear you play the harp. Gotta go, my mum's coming. Night!

OK. Bye.

She's gone.

She's coming round tomorrow.

To hear me play.

The harp.

What are you going to do?

Panic.

Can I help you?

Muesli pizza

and coke? Cool.

It's Diet.

Shalondra? Shalondra, have you done it?

-All set.

-What's all set?

Never you mind, young lady.

Mum, grandad still has an old harp in the garage, right?

Right. Why?

What are you two talking about?

Verity plays the harp.

I was going to give it a go.

Hey! Maybe I could play at the rehearsal today.

I play the guitar.

The guitar has strings.

The harp has strings. Do you see where I'm going?

Completely insane?

If you can master the harp by rehearsal I'll let you to play,

and give you double pocket money!

-Aretha.

-Yes, I'm wearing new clothes, get over it!

No, I was just gonna say your tag is showing.

And have you noticed that you have mail?

Cool, my CD arrived!

Such a huge parcel for just a CD.

Hey, huge talent.

I know you guys are mad I went behind your backs, blah blah blah,

-but who wants to hear my song from the advert?

-Me!

(MIMES: # Yappy Nappy! #

No more nappy rash blues.

BARKING

# Yappy Nappy! #

It's number one for number twos!

I knew you were desperate to have a number one,

but you really didn't need to sing about it.

What's the problem?

-No-one will know it's me singing.

-Have you read this?

They want you to perform live in certain shopping centres.

Dressed as Archie, the Yappy Nappy puppy?

And you'll be billed as Aretha from We're In Perfect Harmony.

What does your contract say about things like this?

Look, I can do this!

What else can you do?

Verity's coming around to hear me play harp

and I can't even find middle C! You have to help me!

OK, I'll help you.

Tell the truth.

Just be straight with her.

I can't. She'll dump me.

If she does, then it wasn't meant to be.

You're right.

I should come clean. What sort of relationship is based on lies?

That's the spirit!

No, our relationship goes much deeper than that.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be her!

What are you doing?

Plan B.

Verity, hi!

Hi!

How are you?

Totally excited. I can't wait to hear you on the harp!

Hi! I'm Toyah. Don't believe everything Hadley's said about me.

-He hasn't mentioned me?

-You haven't come up.

Well, I would've thought with our classical music connection.

-You like classical too?

-I love it!

Beethoven's like an inspiration.

I find his work quite infantile and pedestrian.

Oh! Well, we're always using his work as inspiration, you know,

try to get a bit of classical into pop.

You like pop?

I know it sounds bizarre but it's a great way

to get the audience to appreciate classical composers.

Oh, no, your wrist, what happened?

Oh, yeah, sprained it.

Must have been practising too hard.

You know how dangerous plucking those strings can be. I can hardly move it.

It's pretty, pretty ouchy.

I'm not allowed to play the harp.

Doctor's orders.

You can still come and hear the band.

I just won't be playing.

Let's go up. Here, I'll take that for you.

Oof, this weighs a tonne, what have you got in there?

Just some... Your wrist?

My...

Oh...yay...

it's a miracle!

-I don't care. I'm not doing it.

-Then you'll be in breach of contract.

And you'll have to give back all their money.

I can't give back all their money.

I'm wearing all their money!

Everyone, this is Verity.

She's just here to say hi.

I know you all hate it when someone watches you rehearse,

so she'll make herself scarce.

No, don't be silly. We don't mind if Verity sits in. Right, guys?

You'd be very welcome.

Er, right. Brilliant.

I had hoped you were going to play your harp?

Of course. Silly me!

OK, let's take it from the top.

PLAYS OUT OF TUNE

You lied.

If by "lied"

you mean I told you I could play the harp,

when in fact I couldn't play the harp, then yes, yes, I did lie.

It's all off!

I'm Archie and I'm a cheeky chappy,

I'm here to tell you all about my nappy.

I'm so excited I can't hide it.

This nappy is great - I should know, I've tried it!

# My career will soon be over

# The minute I'm seen dressed as Rover

# Hello utter humiliation

# Thanks to contractual obligation

# Goodbye fame

# I had it all to lose

# And all I got was a nice pair of Jimmy Choos. #

It's the choice of mums and dads

Thanks to its super absorbent pad

What's done is done so don't take the chance

We guarantee these are leak-free pants

# Only did it cos I was so skint

# Should have really read the small print

# Didn't think signing on the dotted line

# Would mean I'd have to dress as a cuddly canine

# Goodbye fame, hello desperation

# Whoever heard of a diva dressed as a Dalmatian? #

I could call the company call and ask if there's any wiggle room.

Martha?

Tell you what,

I could murder for a salami sandwich.

But Martha, I'm hungry! I'll let you make me one of your specials!

But Martha, I'm the guy who saved your life.

Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

Do you mind? It's private.

But I'm a hero!

You'll be an even more of a hero if you let me take this call.

The thing is, my daughter signed that contract without my knowledge.

She's learnt her lesson. She won't be signing blindly again,

so thank you and no, thanks.

Stick to the plan, Shalondra! We can't back down now.

But surely the cornerstone in a relationship is flexibility?

You've got to let go of Dr Abigail!

You're talking now to Dr Gary.

You know what, you are so right.

She'll be there first thing in the morning.

I'm sorry, baby. If you don't show up tomorrow dressed as the puppy

not only will you have to pay back all money,

you'll be sued for breach of contract.

-You'll have to pay damages.

-What?!

-You heard me, baby, I tried my best.

Oh!

There, there.

There, there,

baby, it's such a shame,

I know.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Go away.

Oh. OK then.

No, Verity! Come in! Please, sit down.

Love Poems For Broken Hearts?

That's not mine.

What am I doing? Lying is what got me into this mess.

I've read nothing else since we split up.

That was lunchtime.

Yes, and it's been the worse afternoon of my life.

I am so sorry I lied. Please give me another chance.

I want to. But how do I know if I can trust you?

I shouldn't have lied.

But it's just so rare to find anyone who likes me purely for being me!

I guess that's the downside to fame.

I had no idea you were so famous.

My friend says you're in magazines, and everything!

I can only dream about having so many people listen to my music.

Why don't I ask if you can play on the show?

-Oh, really? Would you do that?

-Yeah, course.

I couldn't perform all by myself though. I'd be too scared.

I suffer from the most terrible stage fright.

I usually...before I perform.

It would really help me if you were standing there next to me.

We could duet. Me on guitar, you on harp.

Sounds perfect. So you'll speak to Annabelle?

I'd have to speak to Annabelle.

If you don't have any influence, just say.

Oh, Haddykins! How did you know I needed you?

What d'you think, this eyelash, or this eyelash?

Er...

-that one?

-I knew it, you truly are my soul mate!

OK. My turn. I've got a favour to ask.

Anything for you, my little wine gum.

So I've started this new band.

Baroque and Roll. Me on the guitar and this harpist I've met.

A harpist? That's what I like about you, Hadley.

You get along with anyone, even a dorky guy with a harp.

You are such a geek!

Let me guess, he's always had a crush on me

and he's dying to harp on the show to impress me?

Yeah, something like that.

Sure, you and your friend can duet.

Thanks, Annabelle. I owe you one.

Well, now you come to mention it, there is something you could do.

-Yes?

-Come to my pool party at the weekend.

What are you doing?

What happened to the cobwebs over my bed?

But they were homes!

My drum kit,

what have you done?

Yeah, there's a reason we don't do that.

Look, I get it. I've been an idiot.

How can I make it up to you?

Oh, you look so cute! All dressed up like a big dork.

I can't wait to meet your harp friend. Where is he?

I can't believe this is actually happening.

I'm gonna harp on national TV! How exciting is that?

-That's him?

-Annabelle, thank you so much for letting us duet.

You'd better get to hair and make-up.

I've already been.

I think you should go again.

Oh, look, we've ended up with too much material for the show.

Annabelle, please don't cut Verity! I'm begging you.

The fact is, we have one musical slot.

So you decide... We're In Perfect Harmony or Baroque And Roll.

-You're asking me to choose between my family or Verity?

-Make it snappy.

You've got ten minutes. And then people start turning into pumpkins.

Can you do that one again? It's got a chip.

Hi. Can I talk to you, from one intelligent person to another?

It's about Hadley. You've got to make him realise.

Everyone knows that family is the most important thing.

If that's true he'll choose you.

Oooh, kabuki brush!

He's confused. He thinks he's in love.

Do you know how exciting it'll be

for all those people to listen to my music?

I'll never look down my nose at Britain's Got Talent again!

Last call for the harp freak!

Oh, that's me!

Costume!

This is one of those life lessons, Hadley.

You can make the right choice, or you can make the wrong choice.

Have you made your choice?

-Yes.

-Good.

-I picked Verity!

-But that's the wrong choice!

Sorry, but she wants to spread her music across the world.

But she gets too bad stage fright and she's too shy to do it without me.

What are you wearing? I thought we were wearing baroque.

I thought I'd move it on a century or three. I'm gonna knock 'em dead!

-Yeah, really shy.

-Move people!

This crew is already working on overtime!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a very special performance.

Tell the harp freak to stop waving at the camera!

Our very own Hadley with a brand-new harp ensemble,

Baroque And Roll!

Excuse me? That camera is zoomed in on my harp.

Go wide and get my face. It's really important that you get my face.

Thank you.

Do you like me?

I like you when you play your guitar.

Cos if you don't like me, then I can't do this.

I'm never going to see you again after this, am I?

Cut!

No! Keep rolling! I'll still play!

I knew you'd make the right decision.

Yeah. But why do I feel so bad?

Your heart will mend over time.

-Dr Gary?

-No, he's been struck off.

Just Dad. Come on.

Mum, before I go I want to apologise.

I'm going to accept the consequences with my head held high.

I am so proud of you, Aretha.

I deserve to be humiliated.

-Oh, sweetie.

-It won't be that bad, maybe.

You've got presence.

Please, don't sugar-coat it.

I thought the plan was we come clean before she leaves the house?

She's messing with us. There's no way she accepts the consequences.

Give her five seconds and she'll be back.

OK, I was wrong.

Let's stop her before she humiliates herself in public!

Ow!

Dr Abigail? What is that doing there?

# Almost famous, and it's killing me

# I'm one step off from where I gotta be

# La la la, la la la, la la la

# La la la, la la la, la la la

# La la la, la la la, la la la

# La la la la la. #