Episode 2 Officially Amazing


Episode 2

Ben, Al and Haruka witness record attempts from around the world. Members of the England handball team aim to claim a record on Lowestoft beach.


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Transcript


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# Officially, officially officially

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# Amazing!

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# Ta-da! #

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MUSIC: I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside

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Today, I'm taking in the best of the great British summer time.

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I've got me candyfloss,

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I got one of the great works of English literature to read.

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What could possibly go wrong? SEAGULL SQUAWKS

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SQUIRTING NOISE

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Ah! Whoa!

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Well, apart from that, of course.

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Here's what coming up on today's show.

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CRASH!

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Oh, really?!

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What record will this bloke attempt to break with his botty?

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Find out soon.

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And Haruka, Al and I face the horror of being fed

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by our competitors' feet.

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But first, let's get back to the beach.

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Meet England international handballers Mark, Corie,

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Glyn, Kathryn and Louise.

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They've come here to the Lowestoft Summer Festival

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to train up the handball stars of the future,

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and to try and break the world record for...

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This is a kempa shot and this is me meeting the kempa shooters.

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Well, it's a great day guys. I'm hoping for a great record attempt.

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Are you feeling confident?

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Yeah, if we were indoor, we wouldn't be worried.

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But out here on the sand, it's tiring just, like, doing the, literally, the three steps.

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But, to jump, catch and throw it all in the goal and then run back and do it again,

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it's going to be really tough. But, obviously, we've got all these kids here today,

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so they'll all be watching and we really don't want to let them down.

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Before we get handballing, here are the rules.

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Balls must be caught and thrown while the player is in the air.

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To be valid, a shot must enter one of the four targets in the goal,

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each measuring 40cm squared.

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Players must be behind a line six metres from goal when they jump,

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and the record to beat is 16 valid shots in one minute.

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Guys, are you ready to see a record?

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I think that's a yes.

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Three,

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two,

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one...

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-Go!

-Come on!

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DING! 'That's one!'

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BUZZ! Oh, it's close!

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DING! 'And that's two!'

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BUZZ! Oh, it's close again.

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DING! Really good!

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In regular handball, the team has the whole goal to shoot at,

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but this record requires pinpoint accuracy,

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and perfect passing from Louise.

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-Yes, lovely!

-30 seconds!

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Oh, halfway, guys, halfway!

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BUZZ! Oh!

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'Mark is denied by the crossbar - excruciating!'

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BUZZ!

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Oh, close!

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'Great shot from Glyn,

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but he wasn't in the air when he caught the ball.

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'It won't count.'

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-DING!

-Five, four,

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three, two,

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one, time!

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That's it! That's it!

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Excellent!

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'Official adjudicator Mark reviews the footage in slow-mo to

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'check that all the shots were valid.

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'Do we have a record?'

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Well, the record to beat today was 16.

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We had to disqualify four jumps

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because they were not valid.

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So, you ended up with a score...

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-of 12.

-Awww, 12.

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'And there's more disappointment as attempt two sees another

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'score of 12.'

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So, while the team prepares for their final attempt,

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Al and Haruka will look at a talented bottom.

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This looks great, Haruka. What on Earth is going on?

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This is pungmul, a Korean folk-music tradition.

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Great. And what's that?

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Is it like Morris dancing?

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Cos I don't know what that is, either.

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Kind of, but the record is for bum bounces.

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Yes, of course.

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Won-Tae Kwon here will attempt the record for...

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So, what is a bum bounce?

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It sounds rude.

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Won-Tae bounces with one leg either side of the rope,

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twists 180 degrees in midair,

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and lands with a leg either side of the rope again.

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All I can say, Haruka, is "Ouch!".

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Indeed! The world record target is ten bounces.

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Or ouches.

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This is going to be tough to watch.

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So beautiful.

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He must have undercrackers of steel!

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What do you think the fan's for?

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To cool himself down, of course.

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The last thing Won-Tae needs right now is a sweaty bottom.

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HORN BLAST

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Time's up.

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Has Won-Tae bounced his bum into the record books?

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Yes, he has!

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12 bum-bouncing rotations.

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Won-Tae, you are a bouncy-bottomed champion.

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Well, if the hat fits, Haruka...

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or even if it doesn't.

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Now, back to Ben on the beach.

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After two courageous but unsuccessful efforts,

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our handballers have one final attempt to break the 16-shot target.

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This is it!

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-HORN BLAST

-Go!

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DING! 'Right in the top corner!'

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DING! Yes, it's a great start!

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DING! Yes, come on! Keep that up!

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'This is such hard work on sand,

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'but the crowd are driving them on.'

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BUZZ! Oh!

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'They need to stay on target to have a chance at the record.'

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30 seconds!

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Come on, halfway, halfway!

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DING! 'Yes, that's more like it. Great shot!'

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DING! Yes! Lovely!

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Great stuff, guys. Good pace!

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DING! 'This is looking good. Come on.'

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-Ten seconds!

-Come on, ten seconds left! Come on now, last push!

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BUZZ!

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'Oh! Off the line!'

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Five, four...

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BUZZ!

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..three, two...

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DING!

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-..one, time!

-Ohhh!

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'That's it.

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'Did team England beat that record of 16?

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'Time for a Mark attack.'

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How did they do on their third and final attempt?

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There were only two disqualified goals,

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so you achieved...

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12 again.

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DISAPPOINTED GROANS

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I think we've proven that you guys are great at getting 12 in a minute.

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Sadly, sadly, not the record, but, to me, it was still a phenomenal attempt.

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Well done, guys. You're still officially amazing. Well done.

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-ALL:

-Thank you, thanks.

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They gave it everything and came close three times,

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but it wasn't to be for Team England.

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Now, time for a disgusting feat

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with disgusting feet.

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It is a fable as old as time itself.

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Three formidable fellows, locked in mortal combat,

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competing for world records that you can try at home.

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For America, U S of Ray.

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For the UK, a Steve who sizzles.

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And for Japan, the legend himself,

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the three-time world champion,

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the Mr Cherry-san.

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This is Officially Competitive 4 Real.

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Previously, on Officially Competitive.

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Sizzling Steve produced a masterful display of jelly-baby

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chopstickery to beat his own world record

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and take an early lead in the competition.

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But today, there's a whiff of cheese in the bunker,

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as our competitors get their feet out.

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Distressingly, those feet will be used in today's record.

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Namely, to feed us with.

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Yes, we'll be attempting the record for...

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Feet which are contractually obliged to be clean.

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Er, which foot will I be getting?

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This one.

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-All right, there's close enough.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

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It's hairier than I thought and refreshing to see someone who

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takes such a lax attitude to toenail maintenance.

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That right foot, what makes that so special?

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Why can it hold a spoonful of jelly?

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I don't know.

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It is humbling to watch such a master tactician at work.

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This is a tough record. Please tell me you've been practising.

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Of course I've been practising.

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Good. With who? My grandma.

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-Your grandmother?

-Oh, yeah, she loves Jell-o.

-All right.

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Thank you, Grandma. We're doing this for you, boo.

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I'm sorry, Grandma Ray,

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but Mr Cherry's toes want this record badly.

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How difficult is it using the spoon and scooping the jelly out?

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-TRANSLATION:

-Oh, very difficult,

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but I've been practising with my TV remote control,

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changing channels with my toes and adjusting volume and so forth.

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My favourite channel is CBBC, obviously,

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but I've watched a lot of CBeebies by accident.

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Here are the disgusting rules.

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Any flavour jelly may be used.

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Competitors may choose the size of their spoon.

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Only the spoon may transfer jelly to the mouth,

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and only the foot may touch the spoon.

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The target for this disconcerting new world record

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is 100g of jelly in 30 seconds.

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To try this at home, you'll need...

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Up first, playing for Grandma Ray, Team USA.

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Al, any last words?

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I'm unhappy.

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Unfettered excitement from Al.

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Three,

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two,

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one,

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-go!

-HORN BLAST

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Awkward foot action from US Ray,

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but that's one spoonful eaten.

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The jelly almost felly from Al's mouth there,

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but he slurped it back in.

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Heroic improvisation!

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Oh, no!

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Ray's dropped a whole spoonful

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You're losing the spoon, Ray!

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Don't lose the spoon, Ray!

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Oh, you lost the spoon.

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Disaster!

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-HORN BLAST

-Stop!

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Grandma Ray was expecting better than that.

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Shantha weighs the remaining jelly to calculate how much Al ate.

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Can Team UK do any better?

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Three,

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two,

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one,

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-go!

-HORN BLAST

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The marooned trout position is working out that well for Ben.

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And look at the foot-based focus on his face.

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Steve's dropped some Jell-O.

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But, check out this sublime scoffing from Ben.

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Come on.

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I'm a jelly-eating dynamo!

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Ten seconds left.

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Sizzler's put his foot in the Jell-O.

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Luckily, the bit going in Ben's mouth didn't get covered in foot.

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And, for that, I'll be forever thankful.

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-HORN BLAST

-Stop!

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Steve, you'll need to get the jelly off your foot

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and put it back in the tray.

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Yes, such are the fine margins in elite record-breaking.

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The jelly must be scraped from Steve's foot in order to

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calculate our score.

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STEVE: Is that OK, Shantha?

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There's still a lot...

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You might need to get right in there, Shantha, so don't be afraid.

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Shantha's not satisfied with Steve's jelly removal skills.

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She will never forget this day.

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No matter how hard she tries.

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Mr Cherry spent three hours patriotically pedicuring his toes for this record.

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A mark of the man.

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-HORN

-Go!

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Look at the poise adopted by the great man!

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The balance of a ballerina

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with the Jell-O delivery of a butler.

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Haruka is getting bulbous mouthfuls every time.

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This is impressive.

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Can they beat that 100g target?

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Ten seconds left.

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Well, I hope this isn't all for nothing.

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Five,

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four,

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three,

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two,

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one, stop!

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A jelly good show all round,

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if a trifle disappointing for Team USA.

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Do we have a new world record?

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Yes.

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In third place...

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with 8g...

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A mere 92g short of the target.

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.. is Team USA.

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I'm sorry, Grandma Ray.

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And the winner,

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with a total of 127 grams...

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Obliterating the record.

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..is Team Japan.

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So, Team Japan claims the world record!

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And Al and I were fed by feet

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for nothing.

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Which means Mr Cherry gets the competitive point

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and joins Steve at the top of the league.

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The pressure is on Ray now.

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How will he perform in hula-hoop racing?

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Find out next time,

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when we return with more ginormously juicy records like these.

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# Well, the England team couldn't quite live the dream

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# and break record on the beach.

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# They gave they got with their kempa shots

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# but 16 was just out of reach.

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# Our presenters had the treat

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# of jelly fed by our competitors' feet.

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# Team Japan were the best

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# at this smelly jelly test.

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# And Won-Tae's bouncing botty was amazing!

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#But here come the rubbish bits -

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# the outtakes! #

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And we're hoping to witness an incredible wec...wecord?

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We're hoping to witness a wecord.

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Official adjudicator Pampa...

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Let's just go. Let's go.

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Members of the England handball team aim to claim an exhilarating record on Lowestoft beach. Also, our Officially Competitive contestants - Sizzling Steve, US Ray and Mr Cherry - feed jelly to our presenters Al, Haruka and Ben using a spoon held by their feet!


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