Austria Remotely Funny

Oh, hello! Welcome to Remotely Funny.

Hey, everyone, I'm Saara and this is Remotely Funny,

the show that has the power to go anywhere in the UK.

I'm coming in wirelessly,

hijacking your home and then offering you prizes.

You can play if you're in your PJs,

you can play if you're grounded,

you can even play whilst waiting ages for a takeaway.

Hurry up, my ham, cheese and pineapple pizza,

I need you in my mouth!

Today I'm in Austria.

So, if I'm here,

where are my adventurous Remotely Funny contestants today?

Let's meet them. First up, it's Mia. Hello, Mia.

-ALL:

-Hi!

Mia is ten years old and from Surrey.

She has an excitable dog called Biscuits,

loves playing on her tablet,

making up silly songs and going bodyboarding, but hates spiders.

-Who's with you today?

-I'm with my mum...

-Hi!

-..and my brother.

-Hello.

Nice, nice. Mia, your mum is your team-mate today.

What is she going to bring to your team?

She's going to bring...the mum.

OK, I guess that's good enough.

Mia's mum, your activities include dog-walking and playing tennis.

-What's your serve like?

-I'm going to show you my serve.

-OK.

-Woo!

-Whoa, argh! That hit me! Watch it!

Well, I'm looking forward to having you both compete.

Now, let's meet Jenson.

Mia and family, meet Jenson and his family. Hello!

-ALL:

-Hi!

Jenson is 11 years old and from Hertfordshire.

He has a yellow belt in judo, always puts ketchup on his potatoes

and when he grows up, he wants to be a vlogger.

Jenson loves street dancing and hates cheese.

His favourite emoji is the smiley face poo.

-Jenson, who are you with today?

-I am with my mum...

-Hi!

-..my dad and my sister.

-Hello.

Wonderful to meet you.

Jenson, I hear you have a pretty huge range of hobbies.

Talk me through them, please.

I've got acting, judo,

street dance and I've got Scouts.

Can you show me some judo?

I could do it, but I'm not actually doing it on my dad.

You go like that and then flip.

Ooh! That's scary.

Finally, connecting to Jess.

Jenson and Mia and families, say hello to Jess and her lot.

-ALL:

-Hello!

-Hey, Jess!

-ALL:

-Hi!

Ten-year-old Jess is from County Durham.

She has two dogs called Harvey and Rosie and two cool cats

called Soxy and Sooty.

She loves the musical Wicked, overuses the phrase "OMG",

and really, really wants to visit Japan.

Jess, who are you with today?

I am with my mum, my brother and my sister.

Lovely!

Really great to meet you guys.

Jess's mum, Fiona, what's this about Jess practising

one of her hobbies in the supermarket?

-Gymnastics.

-In the supermarket?

-Yes.

-What does she do?

Cartwheels and splits.

Wait, Jess, I need to check you can multi-task.

I want to see some gymnastics and a little bit of yodelling

-at the same time.

-OK.

SHE YODELS

That is beautiful! You can actually hold a note.

Auf Wiedersehen, families, I need my players to focus.

Parents and siblings, give us some space and leave the room.

Everyone out! I only need my contestants now.

There's a huge prize at stake.

Firstly, you'll be crowned Remotely Funny champion.

Secondly, the sublime Remotely Funny hoodie.

Come on, supermodels don't get out of bed

for anything less than one of these.

Oh, I really worked that hoodie.

Order yours today by winning this game.

Jenson, Jess and Mia, it's business time.

I want to see your game faces.

One, two, three!

THEY GROWL

Let's play.

This is Bedroom Bonanza.

The rules are simple -

I name something and you have to collect it.

The first one back with the item wins three of my dazzling samojis.

Item number one. Find me...

Something you would hit a ball with.

Come on! Find me something you would hit a ball with.

Come on, Mia, Jenson and Jess. Mia, Mia, Mia, come on, come on!

Use that creative brain of yours. Who's going to be back first?

Oh, and it is Jess.

And Jenson, where is Jenson?

And Jenson is back as number two.

Wonderful. Mia! Come back!

Grab anything, Mia!

-What would you hit a ball with? Anything.

-Pillow.

Great!

Jess, what did you bring me?

I have brought you a hair straightener brush.

So you would hit a ball with a hair straightener brush?

If it was the only thing I could get, then yes.

-I mean, it kind of does look like a racquet, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

What about you, Jenson? What do you have?

I made this little Lego thing.

It looks like a popsicle.

-Do you think you would be able to hit a ball with that?

-Yeah.

-Mia, show me that pillow you brought me.

-I've got a pillow!

You better come up with a good explanation as to how

you would hit a ball with that.

Well, I could throw it up high and go bang.

I can use it as a shield, too.

Oh! I like the shield idea.

Jess was back first, so, Jess, you get three samojis.

Woo!

Yes, good job. Let's move on to item number two.

Go get me something your mum or dad would take to the beach.

Go! Go get me something your mum or dad would take to the beach.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

And Jess is back first. Jenson was back as number two.

Everyone call for Mia.

ALL: Mia!

OK, she is back. Mia, what did you get me?

-Sunglasses.

-Are those sunglasses yours or your parents'?

-They're my dad's.

-Oh, they are your dad's, OK. Great, great, OK.

-What about you, Jenson? What do you have?

-I think it's a flip flop.

What would you do with one flip flop?

You'd put it on your foot and you could hop your way, probably.

Yeah, I can see that. What about you, Jess? What do you have?

I've brought a towel as my mum loves to sunbathe on the beach.

Lovely, lovely, you're thinking practical.

Jess, you were back first, so you get three samojis.

-Woohoo!

-Yeah.

Item number three.

Go get me something small and round.

What could it be?

-Back.

-Ooh, Mia's back first!

Mia, you always surprise me, Mia.

Where's Jenson? Jenson!

Everyone's back already!

Oh, he's back, he's back. Jenson, what do you have there?

I think it's one of those things you put in your ear.

Oh, it's an earring. Well, that is small and round.

-Mia, what do you have there?

-I have a hairband.

Yes! I love hairbands!

What about you, Jess? What do you have?

I have a lid off something, I don't know what it is.

Good job, Jess. Mia, you were back first.

You get three samojis for being back first.

-In your face!

-Yeah! Hey, Jenson, come closer.

Jenson, I spoke to your mum earlier. She's a really cool lady.

She told me that there's something

she has to nag you about endlessly before school.

-I'll give you a samoji if you can tell me what she said.

-Oh...

What do you think it is?

Oh, it's quite obvious, but it's embarrassing.

Come on, come on, give it to me.

-Probably brush my teeth.

-Yes!

That was the correct answer, Jenson, you get an extra samoji for that.

Yippee!

All right, dialling up my samojis.

Now it's time to head to the best seat in the house,

or Toilette, as they like to call it in Austria.

It's time for Toilet Takedown. Let's go to the toilet, everyone!

Come on, peeps, we have four more glorious rounds to play.

Come on, come on, I don't have all day.

This is a guesstimating game.

The closest to the actual answer gets the samojis.

I want you to write your answers on the loo roll.

And here comes the question.

Kevin "Catfish" McCarthy holds the record

for the longest shower ever taken.

But how much time to the nearest hour did he endure?

Write your answers on the loo roll and I'll repeat the question.

Kevin "Catfish" McCarthy holds the record

for the longest shower ever taken. But how much time

to the nearest hour did he endure? KLAXON

Bring them to the screen so I can see what you guys wrote down.

Great, great. Jess, what does yours say?

-Six hours.

-OK.

-What about you, Mia?

-Two hours.

-And Jenson?

-42.

Well, the correct answer is 340 hours and 40 minutes.

-And that means, Jenson, you came the closest.

-What?!

Jenson, you get three samojis.

Yippee!

Now, we're on the loo, so let's watch LooTube.

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no. No.

The cat is ruthless!

-No...

-GLASS SHATTERS

When cats finally take over the world,

I'm going to say I told you so.

The question is,

what was the first object the cat knocked off the table?

TOILETS FLUSH

Jess, you were first. What do you think it was?

I think it was a glass.

No! That is not the correct answer.

Jenson, you were second. What do you think it is?

I think it was a remote controller.

Yes, that is the correct answer. You get an extra samoji, Jenson.

Yippee!

All right, Toilet Takedown over.

We're moving to the kitchen for Food Flash.

Everyone to the kitchen!

It's time for the third game and your chance to show off

your cooking skills.

In Finland, where I'm from, we have our gazillions of glorious dishes.

So for this game, I'm going to show you a Food Flash picture of one

of my favourite dishes, and you have 45 seconds to recreate the dish.

Samojis for the player who makes their dish look as close

to the picture as possible.

My favourite thing about Finland is the Finnish gravy.

It's called Ruskeakastike.

Hold up your bottles and yodel after me.

SHE YODELS: Ruskea!

THEY YODEL

You did it better than I did.

Today's dish is...

and here it is.

Today's dish is a ganache of the finest organic puree peas

entwined with delectable strawberry shoelaces.

It is finished with extraordinary brittle bite-sized crisps,

which are shaped into exquisite noughts and crosses.

SHE SNIFFS Ah!

Start cooking!

Pretend you're a top chef and shout orders at your family.

Come on, Jenson,

I see that everyone's helping already, that is amazing.

Everyone look at Jenson, that's how you're supposed to do it.

Jess, where is your mother? Where is everyone else?

You need all the help you can get.

Mia, explain to me what you're doing at the moment.

We're bottling it, basically.

Wonderful, wonderful. What about you, Jenson?

-Putting our spaghetti on.

-Great, great, great. And Jess?

-Good.

-We're done.

-Great, great. And don't forget the Finnish gravy!

The Finnish gravy is the most important part of the whole dish.

-Finished.

-Two, one...

KLAXON ..stop.

Put everything down.

Let's take a look at those finished dishes.

Mia, can you show me your dish?

Can you bring it closer to the camera, please?

It's hanging off the plate!

Well, we were in quite the rush, so I understand.

Wonderful, Mia, wonderful. Can you tell me something about the dish?

Well, we have noughts and crosses as the noughts and crosses,

strawberry laces as the crosses in between

and the mushy peas as the background.

Mmm, wonderful, wonderful. What about you, Jenson?

Can I see your plate?

Great. Well, that looks amazing, Jenson. Jess, can I see your plate?

JESS LAUGHS

-This is really bad.

-Jess!

If you had to eat either this or eel casserole,

-which one would you choose?

-Probably this.

Oh, interesting, I like that.

Well, it is time to have a taste test.

You can really taste the, um, everything in it, right?

Bonus samojis for parents that eat it.

Show me you enjoy it.

Oh, both of Jenson's parents are going in. Oh...

How are you liking it, Jenson's parents?

Mia's mum, how much do you love it?

I can tell, I can tell.

Jess's mum, can I get a big mmm?

-Mmm!

-Wonderful.

All right, all right, all right,

so, everyone gets bonus samojis cos everyone's parents tried it out.

Congratulations.

Mia, your dish bears the most resemblance

to the original dish, so you get three samojis for that.

In your face!

Hey, Jessica, while we're here, can you come closer to me?

Jess, I have a personal question to you. Are you ready?

Earlier, I asked your mum who was the worst cook in the house?

And who did she say is the worst cook in the house?

My dad, because he can bake but he can't cook.

Yes! That is the correct answer.

Why is he so bad at cooking?

Burns everything and sets all the smoke alarms off,

and it's really bad and really annoying.

Sounds like my dad, to be honest. You get an extra samoji for that.

Yes!

The scoring is starting to be quite tight.

Unfortunately for you,

it is time to really get to know your Remotely Funny families.

Let's go to the living room.

Come on, guys, come on, come on, come on.

I don't have all day to sit around and wait for you.

But I am really looking forward to this, it's going to be so juicy!

So, Jenson's mum...

-Yes?

-Do you dance?

-Only badly.

Oh, OK... Well, we're going to see about that.

Parents, take a look at these crazy moves

and get ready for a spot

of Austrian slap dance.

OOMPAH MUSIC PLAYS

Check your pedometers are turned on and set to zero.

Bring them up to the screen so I can see.

Jenson has a zero there.

That's what I like to see.

So does Mia and Jess.

Three samojis will be awarded for the highest score on the pedometer.

Samojis will also be awarded for enthusiastic slapping and style.

Oh, no, this is so embarrassing!

It is only the beginning!

Only the whole of the UK will see it.

Is everyone ready? Parents, get in your positions.

Ready, set...dance!

KLAXON SOUNDS

Dance, dance, dance!

Slap those thighs!

OOMPAH MUSIC PLAYS

You have to move those bodies of yours.

Jenson's mum, I see you're going straight in.

Oh, that is scarring!

Jenson, cheer her on!

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Come on, Mia's mum.

Oh, I see you, I see you over there.

OK, OK, OK.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

I think this movement now needs to be erased

from your children's memories...and mine.

Jess, what did you think about your mum's dancing?

I hope that no-one from the school sees this -

I'm going to be so embarrassed!

I think everyone from school is going to see this.

Oh, no!

Mia, how did your mum do? What do you think?

It was...OK. I guess.

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

What about you, Jenson?

Everyone gets a samoji for style.

CHEERING

And now let's see those pedometers.

Take them off and show them to the screen.

Jenson coming in at 82, Mia, coming in at 67,

and Jess is coming in with 76.

Yeah! That means Jenson has the highest number.

Jenson, your mum gets three samojis

for most steps on the pedometer.

CHEERING Great work, great work.

OK, well, if that wasn't horrifying enough,

let's loop it all together.

OOMPAH MUSIC PLAYS

Mia...come closer, will you?

A little birdie, AKA your mum,

told me that there is something you do that drives her mad in the house.

If you can tell me what she said, I'll give you an extra samoji.

Ooh...

Come on. Mum, no cheating!

Is it that I shout really loudly?

BUZZER No, that is not the correct answer!

Mia's mum, what is the correct answer?

She always leaves all her drawers open.

Yes, that is true, that is true.

Oh, the scores are so close.

Mia is on eight, Jess is on nine.

Our new leader is Jenson, on ten.

Say goodbye to your parents -

we don't need your families for our next game.

Everyone, out!

Bye...

And no sweet little goodbyes.

It's serious game, now.

I want to see you get your game on.

This is the last chance

for you to win big.

Is everyone ready?

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

Great.

This game is called Say What You See-mojis.

Look at my samojis and tell me

what they are meant to represent.

First person to buzz in and

answer correctly wins the samojis.

Now, go and get a buzzer.

I've got mine.

YODELLING AND CLAPPING

RATTLING AND TAPPING

Great.

Now... Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

First Say What You See-moji.

Here it comes.

What do you think this is?

RATTLING

Oh, Jess, what is it?

A rainbow.

Yes, congratulations, Jess. That was the correct answer.

That is three samojis for you.

Yeah!

Next one.

It's a cartoon and a movie.

RATTLING

Jess, what is it?

I think it is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Wow, Jess! You are good at this.

Another three samojis for you.

-Yeah!

-Jess, you are on fire.

Well, finally, the last one.

TAPPING

RATTLING

Jenson, what is it?

A rocket microscope.

No, not quite.

Mia, what is it?

Does it represent space?

No, not that, either.

Jess, do you have an idea?

Uh...is it a rocket ship?

I don't know?

Not quite.

The correct answer

was rocket science.

So, no-one gets samojis for that.

I'm sorry.

We have come to the end -

oh, I'm so excited -

and the moment for me has come

to reveal today's Remotely Funny champion is...

..Jess!

-Congratulations, Jess.

-Yeah!

Yeah!

Jess, we will be sending over one of our super stylish

Remotely Funny hooded jumpers in the post just for you.

Mia and Jenson, you don't go home empty-handed.

We will be sending you some remotely expensive Remotely Funny merch.

Get your families back in the room.

-Hi!

-Hi!

Big thanks to you, Jess, Jenson and Mia,

and your families, for letting me loose round your homes.

You've been immense, it's been remote

and we've all been pretty funny.

Play the music - tschuss!

Thank you so much. I had fun.

Thank you so much.

Bye!