Fangs For The Memory Scoop

# Time is running out

# Stories to be found

# What's it all about?

# Got to go and check around

# If there's a rumour going round

# Don't you forget it

# Whenever something's going down

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that scoop

# Got to get that

# S-C-O-O-P! #

BIRDS TWEET

HE SNORES

ALARM BEEPS

ALARM CONTINUES

Cuckoo!

LOUD SCREAMING

Paperboy!

ROARING

DOG SNORES

Hacker! Here, boy! Here, boy!

You'll wanna see this.

Ace reporter, Digby D Digworth has made the front page.

Remember the last article I wrote? Pilbury DJ contest? Ha-ha!

"DJ Digby's decks disaster."

That wasn't quite what I...

had in mind. Still, I suppose that's what they mean by surround sound.

What do you think?

HACKER SNORES

Hacker!

I don't think you're giving me your attention! Well, I've got the answer.

I got it on the internet. Here, boy!

Here, boy!

Hacker, present!

HE BARKS EXCITEDLY

Money isn't everything, Hacker.

Nor is food.

Now, you just wait 'til you see this.

Here we are, instant obedience for dogs.

It works on ultrasound by remote control. Yeah.

HE WHIMPERS

Now, there's a button for each command!

Let's try it out, shall we? Now, sit!

Beg!

Lie down.

Roll over.

CRASHING

This is fantastic! What do you think?

HE WHIMPERS

All right, well, you just sit there quietly...

..because I'm expecting an important phone call with the editor, Max.

He's due to call at any moment.

He said he would. I'm sure he will.

I tell you what, I'll just phone him to check he's going to phone me.

PHONE RINGS

Max De Lacey, editor in chief.

Hi, Boss. it's Digby.

Ah, Digby, about time.

I'm giving this paper a shake-up.

Too many letting others do all the graft.

To make it big you need to be self-reliant.

A bit more forceful with the fist, Simon. Just like this.

I'm looking for a reporter who is dynamic,

energetic and forceful.

D'you know of anyone?

You say there's no-one quite like me.

I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies.

Not yet!

Digby, I want you to go to the police technology conference.

They're demonstrating a robot policeman.

-I want the low-down on the hi-tech.

-Count on me.

If I wanted a calculator, I'd have got one from the market.

What are you waiting for? Move! Now!

Hacker, my faithful news hound, let's sniff out this story.

I smell a scoop.

HACKER GROANS

What's the matter?

Oh, I see, on strike, are you?

Well, we'll see about that.

Hacker, CATNAV.

HE GROWLS

Come on, we're late already, the conference starts any minute.

Hmph!

Anybody can do this, y'know?

I don't need your help.

There.

-CATNAV: You have reached your destination.

-HACKER LAUGHS

Turn around when possible.

That should do it, just reset the thing.

Switching to beginner's mode.

SILLY VOICE: Boo-be boo-boo.

Boo-boo! Do Mummy and Daddy know you're playing with their things?

SATNAV: Temper. Is Diddums having a tantrum?

Let's go for a little ridey-poos, then.

Turn left.

That's the hand you hold your crayon with.

HACKER LAUGHS

Hope it's not far, I don't wanna miss the opening video.

Turn left.

Turn left.

I'm sure I've seen that place before.

Turn left.

Turn left.

Good day, and thank you for that kind applause.

Today, you are going to witness a remarkable demonstration.

No, it's not a protest march!

HE LAUGHS

Let me introduce Councillor Wainwright, who's taking the chair,

and I don't mean stealing it!

HE LAUGHS

She's from the funding committee, who hopefully

will be buying a robot policeman for the Pilbury force.

Ladies and gentlemen, take a look at the future of modern policing.

Introducing the B1LL, the most advanced

law-enforcement robot in the world.

This computerised innovation will take the workload

of five human constables on the beat.

An efficient enforcement machine. No lunch hour, no tea breaks,

and above all, no pay.

His services will save Pilbury's police force £500,000 a year.

Turn left.

Turn left.

Turn left.

Turn left. This is taking longer than I thought. Turn left.

The B1LL can handle everything, from routine police tasks,

as well as sophisticated environmental matters.

Warning, diversion.

Warning, diversion.

Turn left.

Turn left.

-Turn left.

-I'm sure I've seen that place before.

Turn left.

Turn left.

With visual recognition technology as standard, the B1LL

is able to respond as accurately as any officer on the beat.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Stop, thief.

But unlike an officer on the beat, the B1LL

has unique magnetic capabilities.

Every B1LL comes equipped with its own electromagnetic storage plate

for easy retrieval and transportation.

Yes, the B1LL, the ultimate in technology.

You may have spotted that was me playing the part of the criminal in that video.

Expect to see me at next year's Oscars.

HE CHUCKLES

-Yes, well, moving on.

-Ha.

Ha.

ROBOTIC VOICE: That was very funny.

Hur hur.

Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, B1LL.

At least someone's got a sense of humour.

OK. I know you're sulking but purely in the interest of time,

you understand, would you mind operating the CATNAV system?

Hm, hm, hm, hm.

Please.

-'Welcome back, captain, let's get going to the conference.'

-Woof!

And there I suggest we have a little break,

-and I don't mean an arm or a leg or anything, of course!

-HE CHUCKLES

Oh, one important thing,

I would ask that there is no flash photography near the robot.

It can have a detrimental effect on his circuitry.

B1LL.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Everyone form a line and follow me.

And no talking at the back.

Very impressive, Inspector.

My jokes, or the robot?!

If the demonstration continues like this, I shall certainly recommend that the committee buy the robot.

-We're late.

-Woof.

-Oh, well.

Blend in with the crowd.

No-one'll notice.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Medical emergency.

Let me through.

I am a robot.

Medical emergency.

Medical emergency.

-Is sir all right?

-Yes, thank you.

It's me own stupid fault.

Correct.

WHIRRING

Mr, er, Robot, could I take a picture, please?

Warning, flash camera alert.

Flash camera alert.

It's not all that flash, really.

Emergency, emergency. Robot in need of assistance.

Robot in need of assistance.

Robot in need of...of...of...of...of...

assis...sis...sis...sis... sis... sis...sis...sis...tance.

Robot robot robot robot robot robot.

Robot in need of assistance! Robot in need of assistance!

Robot in need of assistance! Robot in need of assistance!

Robot in need of assistance!

Emergency, emergency, take cover, take cover.

It's all right, you can come out now.

Did I or did I not say there was to be no flash photography?

So whose camera is this? Hm?

HE WHISTLES

Argh!

And you are?

Digby D Digworth.

-The D stands for...

-Disgraceful!

Right, now I'd like to give you a live demonstration

of the full capabilities of our computerised policeman. Our PC PC.

HE CHUCKLES

Now, the B1LL is perfect

for many different roles... and not just sausage!

CHUCKLING

For instance, in calming traffic he is 50% more reliable than

a traditional sleeping policeman.

And with his unique recognition facilities,

he is perfectly equipped to tail offenders.

CHUCKLING

-(Stop it. Stop it.)

-Woof!

HE GROWLS

Woof!

I'm afraid, if you can't sit still for a few minutes,

-I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

-He started it.

Sorry.

I'm sorry about that.

Blaming it on the dog.

Really, a grown man.

He should be ashamed of himself.

Right. For the next part of the demonstration, I need a volunteer.

-You.

-Hm?

B1LL, finger print this man.

You're nicked, chummy.

You fingerprint.

I'm not sure this is quite right.

-Now...face print.

-Shouldn't you stop him?

-Er, yes.

-Face print.

-Yes, I suppose I should.

PHONE RINGS Excuse me, sorry. Hello?

Digby?

'How is it going?'

'Hm? Working hard, getting your hands dirty?'

Not just my hands as it happens, boss.

'Good. Now, do you know what I really want?'

-Grgh!

-'No.'

I want a shot of councillor Wainwright with the robot.

'Simple enough, isn't it, even for you.'

There might just be one tiny problem.

Digby, I'm a busy man, don't bother me with trifles, right?

-Yes, sir.

-'Good!'

Get on with it!

Well, I'm sorry, Inspector. It looked very promising

but I'm afraid the robot is just not reliable enough.

No, wait. Councillor...

all I need is just one photo of you shaking the robot's hand.

-And then you'll go?

-Absolutely.

It's a small price to pay, I suppose.

B1LL, if you wouldn't mind?

What did...what did I say? No flash!

That was a surprise, wasn't it?

B1LL, release that woman!

Just what is going on?

B1LL in love.

Very nice. What is it, a washing machine, tumble-drier?

-Ha. Ha. You very special.

-Yes, I know.

B1LL love you.

Don't be ridiculous! You can't be in love with me.

You're a robot and I'm a councillor.

You be safe here.

B1LL will return.

Ha, no reception!

Would you believe it, eh?

Rampaging robot and I had my finger over the lens.

HE BARKS

He's gone out into the High Street. This is our chance to redeem ourself.

It's also our last chance to get a photograph. Come on! We've got a robot to catch.

Flower man, move your car or be clamped.

-What we need is some sort of sophisticated tracking device.

-You're nicked.

Or maybe just our ears.

Sorry about that, he's with us. How much do we owe you?

Oh, that much?

-Hacker?

-Hm?

Doggy bank. HE GROWLS

Oh, this is not going to help my funding case.

Digby Digworth... worthless, more like.

Ace reporter? Nut case reporter.

I've seen more brains in a bluebottle.

Sir?

-Excuse me.

-It's all right, it's all right, he's with us.

COINS RATTLE

-We've got to stop him, any ideas?

-Woof.

-Great idea, Hacker. Remember, as soon as he falls, you pounce, and grab his collar.

-Woof.

In years to come when people look back and remember the day

their town was threatened by a rampaging robot, what will they say?

It was that hero Hacker that saved us and he did it just for us.

-That...and 50p.

-Woof.

Hacker.

There's only one thing for it.

-At times like this, every top reporter needs a source.

-Woof.

-No, Hacker. A source of information.

-Oh.

Sid the source. Come on.

-Psst!

-Ah, ga ga ga, goo goo goo.

Digby! What's the matter with you?

-you're speaking more sense than normal.

-Sid, am I glad to see you.

-Yes, you are, 50p.

-No, no, that wasn't my question.

No refunds.

No, you see, I need to stop a robot that's running amok

and stealing flowers and chocolate and wedding gowns and things.

-Any ideas, Sid?

-Simple.

Hacker, doggy bank. Come on!

-You see, the thing is....

-CRASHING

-..and that's it.

-SIRENS WAIL

Oh, no, that's the card shop. What was that again?

-I said, the thing is...

-CLATTERING

..and that's it.

That's the dress shop. What was that again?

-I said...

-CRASHING

-Have you got that?

-Not the jeweller's. What can I do?

-What can I do?

-Think about it.

Flowers, chocolate, cake, and if I'm not mistaken, he's just got a ring.

-What does that suggest to you?

-He's starting a home delivery service, what a great idea.

It's just what Pilbury needs.

A three-tiered cake, an engagement ring,

your robot wants to marry councillor Wainwright.

That's dreadful. She's already got a husband.

-What you need is this...

-A robot retrieval kit.

Thanks, Sid. I wonder what it is.

Some kind of high-tech circuitry to immobilise the robot?

A re-programming ray, a sonic screwdriver? Come on, Hacker.

A robot retrieval kit?

This is not what I expected at all.

HE LAUGHS

What? I think I would pass as Councillor Wainwright's twin sister.

All right, her ugly twin sister.

I hope you know what you're doing with this electromagnetic thingy. BUZZING

Right, this is the plan, I'll get B1LL to chase me

and when he's in range, you press the button. That should stop him.

HE GIGGLES

Councillor Wainwright?

-B1LL?

-I'm in here!

Are you all right? Is B1LL with you?

He went off somewhere. He locked me in here.

Don't worry, I'll soon have you out of there.

I've still got my wits about me.

Oh, and I was trying not to worry.

When he comes back, I'll wait out of sight,

and then, when he tries to open the door,

I'll charge him and I mean in every sense of the word!

IN FEMININE VOICE: B1LL?

What's he up to now?

OK, Hacker, when I say the word...grgh!

Grgh?

B1LL love you.

Oooh! HE GIGGLES

Emergency! Emergency!

-Shutting down. B1LL shutting down.

-We've done it, Hacker.

Now all we need to do is get a photo and we'll be heroes.

Digworth! What do you think you're up to? Grgh!

Grgh? Oh.

WHIRRING

Turn it off Hacker, turn it off.

Ah, hot off the press, Simon.

Another award-winning front page, no doubt?

"Digby destroys the long arm of the law!"

Digby Digwo-o-o-o-o-o-rth!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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