Episode 11 Sorry I've Got No Head

-Great idea to come bowling, Tony.

-Yeah, yeah, it should be fun.

I love bowling, me. I'll go first.

Stand back, everyone.

How many did I get? Was that a strike?

I bet it was. I'm great at bowling.

-Um...

-Oh, well, Bill, never mind.

You were really close.

Me and your dad are really proud of you

for getting your green belt in karate.

You worked really hard, so we got you this!

Oh, that's amazing!

You got me a Game Box and a martial-arts game!

-We thought it was the one you wanted.

-It is, it is.

Where are the controllers?

Yes, well, it's only a green belt.

You're not exactly Jackie Chan!

Can I go upstairs?

Vikings, this is a sad day.

A sad day, by Odin indeed.

For this is the day that my father has been sent to Valhalla.

Killed in battle, a brave warrior, Four-Flint Skull-Splitter.

ALL: Four-Flint Skull-Splitter!

He has bequeathed to me a great gift.

This sword, which has killed so many in battle.

Argh!

I'm sorry. I saw the sword and I thought, "Oh no! He's attacking me!"

Lovely, lovely sword, though.

-This sword...

-Argh!

Sorry. Sorry. I see what you mean.

I saw the sword and I thought, "I'm being attacked. What's this?"

But I'm all right now.

And now, the sword belongs to me.

-Argh!

-ALL: Argh!

-I really am sorry.

-I think the sword made everyone jumpy.

Mm, yes.

But also, also, my dear departed father

has bequeathed to me his favourite childhood toy

that kept him comfort all his life.

-Argh!

-Argh!

ALL: Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Argh!

PUNCHING COMPUTER-GAME MUSIC PLAYS

'You lose. Game over.'

Emily and Monty Forest have been an acting, singing and dancing duo

for six years.

In that time, they've auditioned for more than 11,000 roles together...

..without success.

-Nee nee nee.

-Nee nee nee.

Emily, Monty, good to see you!

ROBOTICALLY: Hello, hello. We are ROBOTS!

-ROBOTICALLY:

-Morning. We're robots from the future.

-Yes!

-Not really.

It's us, EmilyandMonty.com.

You seem in very good spirits.

That is because today we will definitely get the part.

Why will you get THIS one? Are you right for the role?

No. They've promised to cast anyone who turns up in a robot costume.

We're a dead cert cos we've definitely turned up

and we're definitely in robot costumes.

-ROBOTICALLY:

-That I made at home.

-That Emily made at home.

Apart from the boots.

Apart from the boots, which are rather special, actually.

They're made of iron and I don't mind telling you they're pretty heavy.

They actually give us the authentic robot look.

Yes, I think they're going to really impress the director.

We're very excited!

When we walk through that door, it's a dead cert.

< Emily and Monty Forest?

That's us! West End, here we come.

Zzz, zzz!

Can't...move.

Can't...move.

Must...be...robots.

Argh!

-Emily and Monty Forest, this is your last and final call.

-OK.

-Emily and Monty Forest.

-We're coming! Argh!

We're not going to make it, are we?

We didn't get it.

Yeah, that's it.

All right, sunshine! Come with me.

-Why? Wait, what have I done?

-Shut it!

-I'll deal with you later. Stay there!

-Argh!

Harrison 5438. Need transport for a suspected gang member, over.

'5438, can you give us a description of the suspect?'

Yes. Usual gang colours, bandana, badges, woggle.

'Woggle?'

-Gang woggle, over.

-'Roger that.

'Can I have confirmation on your location?'

Er, yeah. I'm...

I'm outside the scout hut, over.

Over!

'The general opinion here is that he's probably a scout.'

-It's possible, I suppose.

-'Yeah, we're pretty sure he's a scout.'

Doesn't mean he's not a gang member.

'Let him go, Harrison.'

All right! But don't blame me if he descends into tit-for-tat reprisals,

-violence, criminality and battles for territory.

-'He's a scout!

'Who's he going to battle?'

Sea cadets?

'Let him go.'

Fine! I will never understand why you young people choose this life.

Wait! What about my cuffs?

Do not test me, sunshine.

So, let me get all this straight.

For your holiday, you want somewhere really dark and miserable.

Er... No atmosphere, no light,

no other people, no nightlife, no day life - no day, in fact -

where you can wear black and think about the colour black

for ten days to a fortnight without interruption, transfers included.

-Is that right?

-Yes.

Right. Let's see what we can do.

ALARM BELLS RING

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Hello, sir. Just wanted to know if you're enjoying your holiday.

Brilliant, thanks. Could you close the door?

-You're letting all the black out.

-Oh, sorry.

Popcorn.

Here we go, one DVD coming up.

-Lovely jubbly.

-I think I'm getting used to this machine now.

Shouldn't make a mistake. Just have to select the country. Oh, no.

I've picked Sweden by mistake. Do you think that's a problem?

No, Sweden will be fine for me.

-A MONSTER ROARS ALL:

-Argh!

HE ROARS

I'm Marion Clark. This is Top Test.

On tonight's show, the inflatable sumo suit.

I'm going to test it so you don't have to. Come on!

Don't touch me.

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

The Sumo Extreme 22F. Everybody wants one.

This is the most realistic sumo suit on this or any other planet.

Sure, it comes with a hefty price tag but if I was judging this suit

based on looks alone, I'd give it a ten out of ten.

But...is it any good?

Sumo is the number one sport in Japan and mobility is the key.

So let's give this a little test. Hit it.

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

It's a good suit.

'Next, can you snack and sumo at the same time?'

HE SHOUTS LIKE A SUMO WRESTLER

Delish! And plenty of room for more. OK, next test.

The toughness test.

Ow!

Argh! The Sumo Extreme 22F. It does exactly what it says on the tin.

Is it any good? I'll give it a nine out of ten.

I'm Marion Clark. I'm a man.

I'm not turning Japanese.

Sayonara.

I've got cake in my nose. You knew that, you did nothing.

So we've turned the spare room into the nursery. The only thing is names.

-Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?

-No. I want to keep it as a surprise.

-All right, Frank!

-Steve!

-How did you get in?

-I had some keys cut. Who's this?

Um...you remember my sister Francesca. Francesca, Steve.

-Hi, Steve. Still got your little time machine?

-Yes.

Er... Francesca's having a baby.

-What, now?

-No, not now. In a few months.

Oh, great, I was going to say. Come on, then.

What do you mean? I'm with my sister.

Let's go back to my place. I've got two brand-new remote-control cars

and we're going to race them!

No, Steve. I'm going to spend the afternoon with my sister.

-We're talking about baby names.

-Oh!

-Is it a boy or a girl?

-Don't want to know.

-Have you thought about "Steve"?

-What if it's a girl?

-Steve...en.

-That's a popular name, I've heard.

-No, Steve!

Come on, let's go.

You can't sit here all afternoon saying baby names into each other's faces

when there is the biggest race track ever seen built in my house.

Just go away.

All right.

Steve, no! You're going to use your little time machine, go into

the future and find out what my sister's baby boy or girl is called,

then ruin our conversation

just so I can go to your house and play with your cars.

No, I was not! I was simply going to go into the future

-and see if I ever got round to buying a new bulb for my bathroom light.

-Are you sure?

-Of course.

-Do you absolutely promise?

I promise! This is a brand-new life we're talking about.

-Go on, Frank, let him go.

-All right, go!

Use your little time machine.

OK.

Oh, sorry about that.

The other thing is the colour on the wall. Pink and blue is too obvious.

Could you go for yellow?

Whoa!

-Well?

-It's a boy and she calls it Marmaduke.

Marmaduke?!

-Let's go.

-At least, I think it was a boy.

Could've been a girl. Which one's got the wiggly bit?

Well, this is exciting. I wonder if we'll find anything today.

If the past six months are anything to go by, I very much doubt it.

Oh! Oh, I think I've found something.

Well, let's have a look.

There's nothing there.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-How strange.

-I know.

-Do you think the machine is broken?

-Bzzz!

-Oh!

-Well, that didn't come from the machine.

-No.

Is there a bee around here?

Bzzz!

Bzzz!

Bzzz!

Bzzz!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Trick or treat?

-Sorry?

-Trick or treat?

-Oh, what a fantastic costume.

Wait right there.

There you go.

-Thank you.

-Happy Halloween.

Psst! What did you get?

Some jelly babies and an apple.

That's pathetic. You're never going to fill a sack like that.

Now, put this on, get back in there and I'll talk you through it.

DOORBELL RINGS

Please can I have some more sweets, please?

-Don't say "please".

-Not please. I want more sweets.

I haven't got any more sweets.

-Ask him if he hates you.

-You hate me, don't you?

No, I don't even know you.

-Tell him you want more apples.

-I want more apples.

I don't think so. I gave you the same as everyone else.

Say you'll bite him and then he'll be a werewolf.

-I'll bite you and make you a werewolf.

-Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Tell him you have special powers.

I have special powers.

Say you can summon dark forces.

-I can summon dark horses.

-Horses?

-Er...

-Go with it. Just say they're bad-tempered horses.

-Yes, yes,

bad-tempered horses, they mess up your garden and stuff.

Oh, no, I like horses.

We are getting a bit off-track here. Throw a tantrum to confuse him.

HE SHOUTS AND CRIES

No, my plants!

Good, keep it going.

You're a really angry werewolf.

That's my milk!

All right, all right! Give me your bag.

There you go. Happy Halloween.

-Thank you.

-Don't say thank you.

I mean, no, thank you.

Hey! Much better. What did you get?

-Cheese.

-Cheese?

Result.

Now who looks ridiculous?

Oh, he's taken my jelly babies!

Ready for you now, Doctor.

-Good. So...this is the kidney bone operation, is it?

-Heart.

Heart, yes, yes, I knew that.

-I knew that, Nurse. So this woman's heart...

-It's a man.

Is it? Yes, yes, it is.

So this man's heart needs cleaning?

-Cleaning?

-Yes, we can open him up, have a good clean,

polish all the buttons and then off she goes...

off HE goes. Textbook stuff.

It's a heart transplant.

Yes, I knew that. I was just joking with you, Nurse.

So, this heart transport...

-Transplant.

-Right.

And, um, what does that involve?

What do we...?

Remove the heart, replace it with another.

Right. Really? We can do that?

-Yes, Doctor.

-Wow. That's like something you'd see in a film.

The thing is, I'm a bit out of my depth here.

I've never actually done anything like this before.

I thought I could blag my way through it, but obviously I haven't

got a clue what I'm doing.

If I'm honest with you, I'd always wanted a career in musical theatre.

# I close my eyes

# Drew back the curtains...#

Oi! I warned you about this before.

HEAVY ROCK MUSIC

Eh? Did you like it? Was it good?

Yes, thank you. It was very nice.

I bring all my first dates here. They love it!

It's kind of classy.

-It's nice.

-Monsieur et Madame, your main courses will arrive soon.

OK, cheers.

HE SINGS NERVOUSLY

-A bit boring, this bit.

-Sorry.

Oh, no, the bit between the courses.

It's a bit boring. There's nothing to do.

-We could always talk.

-No.

I've got a better idea.

Wey-hey!

-Come on.

-Are you all right?

-Yes, I'm fine. Come on, it's your turn.

-My turn to do what?

The Mexican wave, of course!

Wey-hey! Boo!

-Boo!

-Now you're booing me. What are you doing?

-Do the Mexican wave.

-I know, but why?

It doesn't start of its own accord. Someone's got to do it.

Wey-hey!

Boo! Boo!

Come on, Susan. It's a laugh.

-We're in a restaurant.

-Yeah, I know.

-Wey-hey!

-Wey-hey!

-Wey-hey!

-Boo!

-Boo!

-Boo!

-Now you're doing it.

-Yeah, well, of course.

They're up for a good time. Wey-hey!

-Wey-hey!

-Wey-hey!

-Wey-hey!

-Wey-hey!

-Boo!

-Boo! Boo!

-All right, all right.

Wey-hey!

CHEERING

We're going to get on, you and me. I can just tell.

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

-What are you doing?

-My new dance game. It's great. And I'm winning.

Oh, excellent. Is it like Strictly Come Dancing, is it? You know what?

I would win that show with my legs tied behind my back.

I used to be quite a mover, actually, in my youth.

-Come on, let's have a game.

-I'm just going to go and do my homework.

-No, come on, you serve first.

-It's not won on points.

It's won on percentages. And there's no serving.

-All right. Well, where are the judges?

-There's no judges.

It's changed a lot since my time, but still. Come on, let's rock.

Stay on the mat!

You can't score any points if you're not on the mat.

You've got to keep up.

Keep time, that's it. One, two, three...

-'Bad luck, you have scored 3%.'

-Well, that's stupid.

I don't know what this game is about but it's not dancing.

Right, best of three.

I've got to do my homework.

"And as the glass slipper fit, the Prince married Cinderella."

-That's nothing, mate.

-What?

It's nothing, all that glass slippers an' that.

One time, I was doing some pipe laying in Swindon.

I needed a new pair of work boots so I bought a pair off this fella.

Said he used to work for the FBI. Didn't believe him.

I tried them on cos they were my size.

Guess what I found in the toecap?

A tiny camera.

-What are you talking about?

-True story.

Don't mess with the FBI.

When have you ever been to Swindon?

Close the door on your way out. Early start tomorrow.

Oh, sir, I have walked many miles to find you.

Why don't people use the ferry?

Oh, right.

Now, do you have a question for me?

Or did you just come to boast about how many miles you have walked?

My question is this - what is the purpose of life?

Ah, a good question indeed.

A question I have considered in my many years as a sage

and in my many years before that as a shepherd,

because, let's face it, being a shepherd is quite boring.

Did you come to a conclusion?

I did. After much contemplation, I can safely state

that the purpose of life is...

..to eat grass, to wander aimlessly around in circles,

get scared by almost anything and to let people take your wool

to make into lovely jumpers.

Are you sure that is not the purpose of a sheep?

No, I'm pretty sure it's the purpose of life.

There must be more.

Well, if you're not happy with that, as my grandfather used to say,

a tricky thing the purpose of life, like eating soup with just a knife.

But here's an answer that's easy to bear, never wear nylon underwear.

Gets very sweaty, see? Isn't that right, Grandpa?

Not now. I'm practising my street moves, isn't it?

HIP HOP MUSIC

-Sorry.

-So...

BELL RINGS Time's up, next please.

# Beat street The king of the beat

-# You see me rocking that beat... #

-There's magic.

This is the Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.

And this is Valerie Carpenter, head and only teacher at the school

which has only one pupil.

It's the last day of term at North Barrasay

but there are no lessons today.

It's a day of fun and games.

Morning, Miss.

I said one or two games, not the entire toyshop.

I know, but I couldn't decide, so I just brought the lot.

-Where are you going?

-I'm just going to get the rest.

They're in the wheelbarrow.

It's a time for both staff and pupils to relax.

Erm. Ooh!

Oh, dear. Um...

Ah!

King mate!

Oh, jings, crivens, how did I not see that coming?

-Keep it down, Ross.

-Sorry, Miss.

So, are you looking forward to the holiday?

-I imagine you'll be glad of a break from Ross.

-Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I consider every day I get to teach a young mind, a privilege.

Left hand green.

Even with Ross, who offers some unique educational challenges.

-Miss, how do I know when I've won?

-I don't know, Ross.

No, to me, that's the beauty of the job, dedicating yourself

to shaping an individual.

Miss, can you do the spinner?

I'm not your servant, Ross. Do it yourself!

OK. I'll use my tongue.

Although, I suppose we all need a break.

Left hand blue.

# Sing a song of sixpence... #

Obviously pre-decimalisation. Probably worth about £11 today.

-# A pocket full of rye. #

-Well, no place to store rye, a pocket.

Exposes it to all sorts of fungal growths.

# Four and 20 blackbirds... #

That's 24 blackbirds, by the way, not four and 20. 24 blackbirds.

# Baked in a pie... #

Definite health and safety issues.

# When the pie was open, the birds began to sing... #

It's very unlikely that the birds would survive the baking process

and, if they did, with third degree burns,

I doubt they'd be in any mood to sing.

# Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the King? #

Oh, God, don't give it to the King. No, no, no,

what if he gets Lyme disease and dies and there's a constitutional crisis?

What? Don't blame me. You know full well

that if you went on Ready Steady Cook with a pocket full of rye

and 24 live blackbirds, Ainsley would have you escorted out of the studio.

Oh, I don't know. It all looks lovely.

Yes, I can recommend the steak. Very good.

-Are you ready to order?

-Yes, I think so.

Um. I'll have the er... um...chicken...

Oh, no. Spaghetti... I'll have the Dover sole.

Oh, actually, no. Er, no... Er...

How about the steak?

No.

Um... I will have me the...

SHE MAKES CLICKING NOISES

-She's a w...!

-..Ravioli.

Sorry, what was that?

Nothing, nothing.

-And for you, sir?

-Yes, I will have the steak, please.

The steak is off.

What?

We don't have any steak.

Perhaps sir would like the chicken.

But I only wanted steak.

I wouldn't have come if I had known there wasn't going to be steak.

Well, there's really nothing that I can do.

Maybe sir would like a moment to consider.

Right.

OK. Fine.

A witch! He's a witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!

CHANTING CONTINUES

Would you like to go somewhere else?

DOOR SLAMS

What? I just wanted the steak.

'Ground floor, going up.'

PHWRRT!

PHWRRT!

PHWRRT!

-PHWRRT!

-It's me! It's my phone.

It's polyphonic. Hiya, Mum.

PHWRRRRRRT!

Yeah, sorry, that one WAS me.

Yeah, Mum, I just farted.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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