Episode 13 The Dog Ate My Homework

Huh? Ha-ha-ha!

Huh! Hi-ho! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

What are you up to? Smash, what you doing, mate?

-What's happening?

-Walam!

-Polishing? Yeah?

-Uh!

-Cool.

-Keep up the good work mate, all right?

-Ra-ra-ra!

Good, right, cool.

He-he-he-he! Ooh!

Ay-he-hey-he-hen. Sh!

Oi!

I can see ya. Get out of it!

Come here!

BELL RINGS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Iain Stirling,

and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

where the forecast is it'll be raining knowledge.

But, looking at our guests, I'm expecting some light DRIVEL.

So let's take the register.

On my right, a girl whose school

gets all its electricity from wind power,

especially when it's baked beans for lunch!

-It's Honey, everyone!

-Here, sir.

She's here, eh?

And on Honey's team,

a comedian described as deep, thoughtful and intellectual.

Sorry, mate, but on this show we do jokes about baked beans.

-It's Ahir Shah!

-Here, sir.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Also on Honey's team, a comedian who loves singing

and will break into song at the drop of a hat,

so, please, nobody drop a hat!

It's Charlie Baker.

Here, sir.

And on my left, a boy who was so noisy in cookery class,

he was told to put a sock in it.

And who knew? His lemon and sock cake was absolutely to die for!

It's Callum, everyone!

-Here, sir.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Callum's team, a girl famous for her beauty vlogs.

Well, get vlogging, cos there's some beauty right here.

It's Saima Chowdhury, everybody!

-Here, sir.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And finally, on Callum's team, a presenter who was gutted to learn

that becoming head boy meant having to check everyone's head for nits.

At least he wasn't bottom of the class!

It's Rory Crawford!

Here, sir.

Guys, let's give it up for both of today's teams!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As usual, it's a battle of the brains,

so I'm hoping the teams

have actually brought their brains along with them.

But brains or not, they'll all be playing for these, golden stars.

AUDIENCE OOHS

The more you impress me, the more stars you win, but be warned,

any cheek and you'll suffer

the penalty of doom!

Har-har-har-har-har! Har-har-har-har-har!

That's a bit much!

Har-har-har-har-har-har-har!

Don't mess with me, Honey,

or I will take your golden stars away.

AUDIENCE AWS

Hey, whatever happens, it's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

That's my catchphrase.

You got a catchphrase, Charlie Baker?

-No, I've got...

-Loser!

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are the winners,

while the losers face detention of the man

who's clumsier than my baked bean joke I done earlier.

It's Mr Smash!

-Aaarrrggghhhh!

-AUDIENCE BOOS

Argh! Huh? Rar! Ha-ha-ha!

Rar, rar, rar-rar.

Rar-rar-ra!

LAUGHTER

Ra-rar!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's the weirdest one we've done yet!

Let's get on with the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This round is called Stick To The Point.

'Stick To The Point.'

I'll ask questions and if our teams are too slow,

repeat an answer or just sit there looking stupid,

I'll put them in the shush position.

Can I please see all your shush positions?

Some lovely shushing there.

But first, I need my Stick of Pointiness...

..but such are the pointy powers! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Wa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

SLOWER: Wa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

OK, the last team speaking wins, and the first topic for this game is...

Things You Might Find In A Bin.

-Saima?

-Smelly socks.

-Yes, please. Honey?

-Your brain.

AUDIENCE OOHS

-CHARLIE:

-In the bin!

My brain in the bin?!

Well, you clearly don't have one.

Honey, minus one gold star.

OK.

And also, how could I not have a brain, and it be in the bin?

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I just slammed a child!

OK. Callum?

An old football.

Yes. Charlie?

A bin liner.

V-v-very good. Very good.

-Saima?

-Bananas.

-Bananas in the bin?

-That are rotten.

"Bananas in the bin" sounds like a CBeebies programme.

HIGH VOICE: Hi, kids, we're bananas in the bin.

How many bananas are in the bin today?

One, two, three bananas in the bin.

LAUGHTER

-Good show.

-Good show.

Available on CBeebies -

it's like CBBC, but more people watch it. OK.

LAUGHTER

Loads of DVD money.

Right, let's start talking about stuff

that will make it into a television programme.

-Honey?

-A bin liner.

We've had that. We've had a bin liner.

Well, I can say it again.

You can, and I can put you in the shush position.

OK. Honey, you've got some attitude. I like you.

You remind me of my mother.

She hated me as well.

-Saima?

-Snotty tissues.

-Snotty tissues.

-That's what I thought you said.

-Ahir?

-I thought you said "Scottish issues"!

LAUGHTER

-Ahir?

-Empty bottle.

-Yes! Rory?

-Old chicken skin.

LAUGHTER

From a dead chicken

which has been eaten and the person didn't like the skin,

cos it's too crunchy, so it's in the bin.

OK. We did not need the explanation.

-Charlie?

-The bit when you open the margarine and there's a layer on top

and you take that top off and you put that in the bin.

I leave that and flap it back down.

-Do you?

-You take the flap right out?

Take it off, away.

It's keeping it fresh, mate.

Maybe that's why I'm constantly buying butter.

Charlie's earning. That's what you need to know about Charlie.

Uses the butter once, chucks it in the bin.

-Saima?

-Dirty nappies.

Oh, dirty nappies, yes, please. Not yes, please! I mean, that is...

LAUGHTER

OK! Ahir?

-Broken glasses.

-Yes, please!

-Rory?

-Scrapings from a burnt bit of toast.

Yes. Charlie? BUZZER

Shush position!

-Callum?

-A full coke can.

A full one?!

-Yeah.

-You are a renegade, Callum, and I like it.

-Ahir?

-A bag of sugar.

What?! You don't find sugar in the bin, get in the shush position!

BUZZER, BELL RINGS

Gold star goes to Callum's team there, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just a second, sorry. Ahem, ahem.

-It's time for...

-Argh! Argh! Argh!

'Watch Your Mouth.'

Yes, Watch Your Mouth.

'Watch Your Mouth.'

Where our teams have to try and talk properly,

while doing their best impression of Mr Smash using one of these.

It's a Mr Smash Growl Maker.

So, teams, please insert your growl makers into your faces.

So fingers on buzzers, this is your first question. Here we go.

What musical wind instrument is also known as a mouth organ?

-'Honey!'

-Yes, Honey's team?

-Har'onica.

-What?

Har'onica.

-What?

-HAR'ONICA!

OK. And, Ahir, for a bonus gold star,

all you have to do is play this harmonica.

LAUGHTER

That's for a gold star, mate, off you go.

Come on, mate. Gold star!

Go on, Ahir!

He didn't do it.

-He didn't do it.

-Can I try?

-Do you want to give it a go?

-Yeah.

-Well done, mate.

I'm sure Cambridge are very proud!

Give it a wipe on that awful shirt.

HARMONICA PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Rory, bonus gold star.

Well done, mate. Fingers back on buzzers, yes, indeed.

What footwear do footballers use to increase their grip and control...

-'Callum.'

-Yes, Callum's team?

-Beets!

Huh?

Beets?

Leets?

Hoots!

-Boots?

-Yeah.

-OK.

List three things that are as smelly as a football boot

for a bonus gold star.

Thocks!

-Huh?

-Thocks!

Thocks!

Are you saying socks?

-Yes!

-I thought that!

OK. Two... Two more. Two more.

Old pants.

Old...pants.

Old Pants. One more, Callum?

My dog's farts.

Your dog's farts?

-Yeah.

-OK.

What name is given to this instrument?

What name is given to this instrument?

-'Honey.'

-Charlie?

-Kazoo.

-And for a bonus point, Charlie,

-think you could play the kazoo?

-Yeah.

Yeah?

Charlie's a musician.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha...

Haaa!

Haaa, haaa!

Haaaaaaaaaaaa!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is the dumbest thing I've ever done.

I'm going to give you a bonus gold star for doing that, OK, well done.

OK, next one.

Foxtrot, Quickstep, Tango, the waltz.

-Honey!

-Honey's team.

-Allroom dancing.

Not all the rooms, one specific room.

Not all rooms, one room in particular, what room is that?

The hallhoom.

LAUGHTER

And for a bonus point, Charlie, have a drink of your water.

Oh, yeah!

He's done it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

BELL RINGS

And at the end of that round,

I mean "winners" is a strong term, isn't it?

At the end of that round, the gold star goes to Honey's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Guys, it's time for Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

By the end of this round,

one or more of these four grown adults over there

are going to get a pie right in their mush.

As usual, it's our teams' job to identify and then pie the supply.

And here are our technical teachers.

Teacher one, Miss Clarke.

Teacher two, Mr Golan.

Teacher three, Mrs Brady.

Or teacher four, Mr Hanrahan.

So, Honey's team, first impressions?

Which one jumps out at you, metaphorically speaking?

-Honey?

-Number two.

-Why's that?

-He's got, like, this hard-working face.

A hard-working face?

Can I just say a very big welcome to number four?

It's lovely you can join us from Lapland.

And I've always wondered what he did the rest of the year.

So you think number two, possibly?

-Just first impressions?

-Yeah.

OK. Callum's team, what are you thinking?

One, two, three or four?

Just some first impressions, we can delve deeper later on.

But right now we are going prima facie, on the face of things.

I've just used Latin.

I have no idea how I know that word.

I've impressed myself.

Callum, who do you think it is?

We're not that sure at the moment,

but we're thinking number three.

Number three!

OK. Let's ask some questions.

Honey's team, you're up first.

Well, I think that we need to see all of their hands.

Oh, good one.

We'll start with number one.

Show us your hands.

Are they hard-working hands?

OK. Number two.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hard-working hands to go with a hard-working face.

Number three? Look at them!

-OK. Number four.

-Toy-making hands!

Yeah, and riding your reindeer.

OK. Callum's team, have you got any questions for our teachers?

This is more of a challenge, a physical challenge.

Oh, there we go, I like a physical challenge.

Right, I'd like all of them to pretend

they're sawing this bench.

I want to see their technique.

Right, I want you to air saw, all at the same time, one, two, three, go.

Oh, they're all good at it.

-One-handed. Did you see that?

-They're all good at it.

Aw, it's good, strong sawing, that.

There are some lovely angles.

OK, Callum.

You're at school. You know teachers.

Have you got any questions for the guys?

Anything you've ever wanted to ask a teacher?

Don't worry if you don't. It doesn't matter.

But if you've got anything you want to ask, ask away.

Don't think of me as a teacher, man, call me by my real name.

I'm Iain, I'm a cool guy.

I'm not sure I want to ask a question now.

LAUGHTER

I got slammed. I got slammed.

Right, audience,

these guys can't quite get to the bottom of it.

Let's see what you lot think.

Who do you think is a real, genuine teacher?

On the count of three, vote. One, two, three, let's hear you!

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

OK. OK.

OK. Lots of twos.

And lots of threes.

That's what the audience think. But it's decision time.

Who's totally lied and who's about to get pied?

Honey, it's time for you to Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

There we go, Honey.

OK. OK, Honey.

Who are you going to pie?

There's plenty of pie.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Oh... No!

APPLAUSE

Number three looks like number four, now!

LAUGHTER

OK! Callum, not leaving you out, mate.

It's time for you to Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

Nice and calm, Callum. Gently, gently, catchy-monkey.

OK? There we go.

Who's it going to be?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Oh, no!

Come on. Sit down.

IAIN LAUGHS

I feel really bad now.

Don't feel bad. It's fine.

It's their own fault(?) I don't know.

Don't feel bad. If it's not number three, let's all start feeling bad.

OK. Would the real technical teacher please step forward.

Oh!

Nooooo!

APPLAUSE

Oh! At the end of that round,

no-one gets a gold star, but we did pie someone in the face!

APPLAUSE

Time now for... Charlie, please.

HE PLAYS FANFARE

APPLAUSE

Yeah. It's time for High School Drop-Out.

'High School Drop-Out.'

In a moment, two of our adult guests

will go head-to-head on the dreaded

Dog Ate My Homework Drop Zone.

So, Honey's team, who is taking on The Drop?

-Charlie.

-Charlie.

OK. And Callum, who are we going for on your team?

Saima!

OK, Saima and Charlie,

please take your positions on The Drop Zone.

APPLAUSE

OK, and don't forget, when I ask you the questions now,

the first person to get three wrong gets dropped,

and the person left standing wins themselves a gold star.

You can confer with your team.

Our first question is for Charlie Baker.

Charlie, roughly, what percentage of people are left-handed?

A, 12%,

or B, 22%.

-What do we think?

-I'm thinking 22%, Honey. What do you think?

-No.

-You think 12%?

No. Cos I bet most of these people are right-handed.

Oh, that's a good question.

Yeah, most of them would be - maybe 78% of them!

Yeah.

Go with what your heart says.

I'm going with what my legs are currently saying.

I'm going to say B, Iain.

B, 22.

Charlie, you'll be delighted to know...

that Honey was correct. It was 12%.

Honey, I'm so sorry, I will listen to you from now on.

-OK. Saima.

-Mm.

-A koala bear is a type of bear.

A, true, B, false.

You can confer.

Rory is a koala bear expert, you'll be glad to know.

It's true. No. It's true that I'm an expert, but it's false.

-It's false?

-False.

-OK. False.

-A little fact about koala bears, they stink.

-Oh.

Honest, I held one, it stunk.

LAUGHTER

So is a koala bear a type of bear?

-A, true, B, false.

-B, false.

And I can tell you...

you're correct, it is false.

-CHARLIE:

-Well done.

Yes.

So your light stays green.

Charlie, you're on amber lights.

Here we go!

A word or sequence of words that reads the same

backwards and forwards is called a palindrome or a pangram.

Palindrome or a pangram?

-I'm thinking palindrome.

-It is.

-A, palindrome, Iain.

Is correct!

Yes!

APPLAUSE

Saima, the world's largest recorded snowflake

was 38cm wide or 24cm wide?

Callum, what are you thinking?

-I'm going to go with 24.

-You're thinking 24?

-Yeah.

-I agree. 24.

-You're going to go 24?

-24.

Callum, you clever, clever man. You just got Saima...

one closer to a drop.

It's 38 centimetres.

You go amber, Saima.

Over to Charlie Baker, here we go.

A group of lemurs is called a scheme or a conspiracy?

Honey, what sounds more plausible?

-The first one.

-A scheme?

-Yeah.

-What do you think, Ahir?

-I have no idea.

-No. But I'm going to go with Honey's answer,

-completely trusting my team captain.

-OK.

If I'm wrong, I'll feel really bad.

No, don't feel bad, Honey, it's my own fault,

I didn't listen to you earlier on, so...

You've learned from the error of your ways.

-You've listened to Honey.

-Yeah.

-I'm delighted to tell you...

-you've got the wrong answer!

-Yeah.

It's a conspiracy! It's a conspiracy of lemurs.

Saima,

in the USA, how many acres of pizza

are estimated to be eaten every day?

100 acres, or 150 acres?

Oh!

How many acres of pizza, are...

BAD AMERICAN ACCENT: ..eaten by those there Americans?

I feel like it's 150.

They eat a lot of pizza there.

We eat quite a bit of pizza in the USA.

I don't know where in the USA I'm from...

but I'm sure from there.

And I love me some pizza! Blah-lah-lah!

I think it's got to be the bigger one. What do you think, Callum?

Yeah, 150, come on!

OK. Let's do it. 150.

OK, in America, every day, they eat...

100...acres of pizza!

-Oh!

-Oh, yes!

-Saima's gone red!

-Get in there.

Both are one wrong answer away from being binned.

Charlie, which is the largest body of water?

A, Atlantic Ocean, B, Pacific Ocean.

-Ahir Shah?

-I think it's the Atlantic.

Ahir reckons Atlantic.

I'm thinking Atlantic. I'm saying Atlantic.

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

-Atlantic Ocean.

Atlantic Ocean?

Can I go back on my answer and say Pacific Ocean?

-RORY:

-No.

Because I just saw a man in the audience go...

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE RORY:

-Where is that man?

You said Atlantic Ocean.

I did.

Charlie Baker, the answer is...

..the Pacific Ocean!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Right, Saima, in order to get the gold star,

you must get this question correct.

-OK.

-What is faster -

a grizzly bear,

or the world's largest dumper truck?

-What do you think, Saima?

-I don't know.

I've seen some videos of grizzly bears, and they can be fast.

But I'm not sure how fast, though.

I think it's got to be grizzly.

Yeah. Same.

It's got to be grizzly. Hairy and fast.

I trust you. Grizzly.

-You going grizzly bear?

-Yep.

I can tell you that the answer...

..is...

..the world's largest dumper truck!

-Oh, no!

-CHEERING

She's getting binned. She's getting binned!

And at the end of that round,

none of you get a gold star, but wasn't that fun?

Give it up for both of our teams!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Enough of all this brainy stuff already.

It's time for The School Run.

'The School Run.'

HIGH VOICE: Oh, no, we're really late for school.

How are we going to get there?

Maybe that talented Iain Stirling can help?

Yay!

CRASH!

This is a relay race,

and the first team to drop all their kids at the school wins.

So, teams, if you'd like to join me at the start line,

-let's do this.

-Yes!

All right. Saima, Charlie, are you feeling good?

-Very good.

-Yes.

-Very excited.

Let's get ready to race, guys. Here we go.

'School Disco!'

School Disco!

MUSIC PLAYS

RECORD SCRATCH, MUSIC STOPS

OK. The first team to drop all the kids off at school

and make it back are the winners.

Saima, Charlie -

three, two, one, go!

AIR HORN BLARES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here comes Charlie!

What's happening? He's barely moving!

You've done it!

Switch it, switch it, switch it!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Oh! Hurry up! Get up, get up, get up, get up!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go, Honey, go, go, go, go, go!

Honey's ripping it! Look at this!

Honey's caught right up!

Go, go, go, go!

Go! He's caught her up!

Go, go, go, go!

This is neck and neck! It's neck and neck!

It's neck and neck!

Woohoo!

He's not dropped it off! He's not dropped it off!

It's neck and neck! It's neck and neck!

This last corner.

AIR HORN BLARES

Oh! And at the end of that round,

the winning team are getting a gold star - it's Callum's team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LIP SYNCS: And that's just about it.

And once again,

I've got away with lip-syncing the entire show!

So let's add up the scores.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

And the winners are...

Callum's team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As for Honey's team,

not only does the dog eat your homework,

but you have got detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take The Walk of Shame.

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-AUDIENCE:

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-AUDIENCE:

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-AUDIENCE:

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la-la

-AUDIENCE:

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la-la, la, la, la.

-AUDIENCE:

-Losers! #

So that's your lot.

As ever, we didn't learn much, but do you know what?

It was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-..The Dog Ate My Homework.

Sees ya!