Episode 1 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty Of a bad showbiz style

# So welcome to the summer Where you've gotta serve your time

# With every type of entertainer And artiste

# Performing to the limit

# To buy out their release

# So go fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands

# So make them cheer and holler

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer! #

So his legs dropped off and his mother got 15 years.

Now, we've a couple of new inmates who arrived in B Wing overnight.

Stevie Sausage - fire-eater.

Serving six months for burping at an old lady.

Bernie Walters -

the incredible memory man. Forgot to turn up at the theatre.

Got three years for that, the dopey twit.

However, they're not the only new arrivals at HM Slammer this week.

Meet your new warden, Jeremy Gimbert.

Now, I know what you're thinking,

but he's got a lot of experience...at selling ice cream.

But I'm sure you'll all make him feel very welcome!

Well, as you all know, today is freedom show day.

This afternoon, our visiting audience will decide

which prisoner will be released.

Mr Burgess, if you'll show our new recruit what's what,

the rest of you let everyone know which lucky prisoners

I have chosen to perform for their freedom. Including...

-this man.

-HE TOOTS A TUNE

Now, that's entertainment.

I myself have a very important appointment, now in fact

with...this sandwich.

Dismissed.

I can't believe it. We've not been chosen.

That last one promised us a slot on this week's freedom show

and now he's retired.

The first chance we've had to perform for early release for three years!

Unlucky, that. What is wrong with him?

It's brought on his asthma. GULPS

It's his birthday tomorrow and I swore I'd take him to a theme park.

You'll be OK, Pete. Look at me - I got 10 years

for getting stage fright at the Royal Variety performance.

I've got no chance of getting out and I'm still smiling.

It's not me I'm worried about - it's little Titch. He's devastated.

Ooh, get me outta here! Ooh! Ooh!

-No, come here.

-Lemme out! Lemme out!

Ugh! Get me out! Oh!

-Aagh!

-What are we gonna do, Melvin?

-I don't think he can take it in here any longer.

-OK, OK.

Titch, I'll get you a spot on the freedom show.

We'll tell the new warden the promise you were made.

I'll sort it out. Just breathe!

TITCH GASPS

Oh, yes - you've got to keep a close eye on this lot at all times.

Stilt walkers, strong women,

stand-up comics - we've got them all in here.

In here's the best place for them. Iona.

You're in this evening's show, I suggest you go get ready, girl.

No plate-spinning in the corridor, Percival.

-CRASH!

-Clean it up.

Right, in this cell we've got a couple of long-serving inmates.

Prisoners O'Doom and Nocchio -

song and dance man and so-called puppeteer.

All right, on your feet!

I would like to introduce you to our new prison warden - Mr Gimbert.

Mr Gimbert, prisoners Melvin O'Doom and Peter Nocchio.

-And Titch.

-And...Titch.

-How do you do?

-You'll see a lot of these two.

-Three.

-They will be in here for a very long time.

Aaah!

-Mr Burgess tells me you're a dancer, Melvin.

-That's right. Shall we?

WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS

JAZZY CHARLESTON MUSIC PLAYS

If you are quite finished, Mr Gimbert,

I suggest we move on!

-As for you two...

-Three.

..behave yourselves, otherwise I will have you sewing sequins

into a trapeze artiste's leotard for the rest of your stretch.

That new warden seems OK. I'm sure I can get him to put you in the show.

Yip-pee!

A word to the wise, Mr Gimbert -

I wouldn't recommend that sort of thing with the prisoners,

otherwise, they will take liberties.

Like that!

You see what Melvin O'Doom did to you?

I tell you - O'Doom is not to be trusted.

Nor his little friend, either.

Oh dear, oh dear.

-Are you all right?

-What do you do?

Oh, I'm...an impressionist.

-Yeah, I impersonate prison wardens.

-Really? Are you any good?

Do you want to see? I'll show you. Pass me your cap.

Brilliant.

I'll need your jacket and your tie.

-Shoes, of course.

-Of course.

-And trousers.

-There you go.

You've got your keys in there, obviously and your handcuffs.

-Yeah.

-There.

-OK.

Right, so...

I am a prison warden.

You've been wonderful. Goodnight.

Yes. Marvellous, officer.

Yes. No. Sorry about that.

Goodbye. ..Not been the best of starts, has it, son?

You've been on the job one day and let a notorious comedian escape.

The police have found her hiding in the Chuckle Brothers' garage.

One more cock-up and you're out. Nephew or no flipping nephew!

-And get your cap off in my office.

-CRASH!

Mr Burgess, get him out of here!

Go on, get the acts ready for the show. Go, go, go! Oh, dear.

Oh, play something soothing, Perkins.

HE PLAYS SOOTHING MUSIC

-How did it go with that new warden?

-He says I'm not to be trusted.

He threatened to throw me in the naughty chorus.

# Very, very naughty We're so naughty

# Very naughty! #

-Do you know anything about sticking a sign on his back?

-No, why?

-Something's up.

-Do you know about this, Titch?

-Oh, nothing at all.

Are you sure?

-We're never going to get into the freedom show!

-It's OK.

I've got one more trick up my sleeve.

Come on, sunshine. Get a shift on.

It's almost showtime. Yee-ha!

Are you all right, Mr Gimbert?

-It's all right. I just want to introduce you to Yuri.

-How are you?

-What sort of entertainer are you?

-He bends metal by rubbing it.

-Yes.

I really can. See this spoon?

Look at it. I say, "bend" to it. Bend!

There - it's going. Look.

It's coming off.

-That's fantastic.

-Power of the mind.

-Can you do it again?

-Do you have anything metal?

-Oh...

How about one of your keys?

Try...that one.

This one? It's a very thick key, but I'll try.

Here we go. Bend, bend...

There, look at it.

Look.

That's incredible.

-TANNOY:

-This is your governor speaking

All the prisoners for this week's freedom show are now required.

'I thank you.'

SIREN BLARES

'The children are in the building.'

'The children are in the building.'

'30 seconds to show time.'

-Oh, I'm going to get the sack!

-This act's all ready to go if you want.

-'20 seconds.'

-All right. Come on.

Well, Burgess - how do I look? Be brutal.

Divine, sir.

Thank you very much. It's showtime!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer

where you will decide which prisoner is to be released.

So, please welcome your host -

he's the governor. It's...the governor!

CHEERING

O-O-O-Oh, yeah!

-Who's the governor?

-ALL: YOU are the governor!

Wow, what an audience. We've got some fabulous performing prisoners.

We've got from A Wing, Michel Lauzier Horn-o-Phone.

ALL: Wooo!

We've got an exotic act - a contortionist named Iona.

Woo!

She can lick the back of her own head.

-We've got Wayne French, the marvellous escapologist.

-Woo!

And the acrobatic Acromaniacs!

ALL: Woo!

It's always hard to be the first cab off the rank,

but here at The Slammer, you'll be deciding which of our acts

walks to freedom tonight.

Please welcome our first performing prisoner -

It's Michel Lauzier Horn-o-Phone!

-CHEERING

-Come on!

Hello! This is my own musical invention.

It looks good, huh?

Now, let's hear it - see how it sounds.

First I'll play Boccherini.

HE TOOTS TUNE

AUDIENCE GIGGLE

HE PLAYS: "Frere Jacques"

This I can play!

CHEERING

Back to classical - from Vivaldi, The Four Seasons.

My favourite is Springtime.

PLAYS: "Spring" by Vivaldi

Here's the hard part.

PLAYS: "Old Macdonald Had A Farm"

Oh, that was a fifth season from Vivaldi! OK.

Here's a pop tune called "Popcorn."

PLAYS: "Popcorn"

Classical again - Mozart.

PLAYS: "Ronda alla Turca" by Mozart

HE PLAYS FANFARE

Hey! CHEERING

Michel Lauzier, Let's hear it for his Horn-o-Phone!

CHEERING

You liked him.

Well, remember - you could be voting for him

to walk free from The Slammer tonight.

-What did our audience think? Mr Burgess?

-Right, young man.

-What have you got written down?

-"Very good and talented. Quite funny

-"and very clever. It was a great invention."

-What about you?

I thought he was really cool and funny. I think he's a star.

-What about you, sir?

-I thought he was very clever for making it

and even though he made mistakes, he was really funny.

Yes, there is a bit of polish to add to his act. We'll sort that out.

You liked the Horn-o-Phone, yeah?

ALL: Ye-e-e-e-es!

Only one of the performing prisoners is going to walk free today

and you're going to decide who it is.

Now, onto our second act. From B Block,

the mysterious, the exotic...it's the considerable contortions

of Iona!

CHEERING

MUSIC: "Happiness" by Orson

# Do I really need a reason?

# Is it really such a big deal?

# It just seems like the right situation

# To say how I really feel

# I love the way that you look at me

# Cos I can't stop looking at you

# Ooh!

# And the sweetest thing that you do for me

# Besides the little things that you do

# Well, if the world don't feel like turning

# And the sun just wants to hide

# All the stars come out to remind me

# With the universe by my side Because... #

AUDIENCE CHEERS

# All that happens is happiness

# Happiness when I'm with you

# All that happens is happiness

# Happiness... #

GUITAR PLAYS

# We ain't got a whole lot of money

# How about a five star Happy Meal?

# Girl, every day with you is just like a party

# There's nothing left of me for you to steal

# That's right

# And when the winter wind is blowin'

# I feel you blowin' kisses in my ear

# And when you think that you're just talkin'

# You know, it's singin' that I hear Because...

# All that happens is happiness

# Happiness when I'm with you

# All that happens is happiness

# Happiness... #

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Ladies and gentlemen, please, let's hear it for Iona!

LOUD CHEERING

And remember, whatever you do,

-don't try that at home!

-LAUGHTER

Mr Burgess, over to you.

It was freaky, good freaky, really freaky.

Just...freaky.

So, summing up, then, son, freaky.

-Freaky freaky.

-Young Arthur, tell us all about Iona.

I thought she was fantastic.

-Why do you think I couldn't do it?

-Um...

because...

Um...

If you look at her then look at you, there's a big difference.

LAUGHTER

-For a final word on that act. Madam?

-Fantastic.

-There you go, sir.

-A variety of opinions about Iona.

Now, two more performing prisoners to see

and you'll decide which one walks free from The Slammer.

-Are you enjoying yourselves?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Why? What you doing? On to our third performing prisoner.

We have for you an escapologist from C wing...

What's that?

The escapologist...

can't come because he can't get out of his cell.

So with no expense at all,

would you please welcome Pete and Titch.

-CHEERING

-This had better be good.

Hello, everybody. I'm Pete. This is little Titch.

"Hello, everybody. I'm Pete. This is little Titch." Nah-nah-nah-nah!

Oh, little Titch, you're not going to be naughty.

No, I'm not going to be naughty.

-You're not going to be rude.

-I'm not going to be rude.

-Promise?

-Promise.

TITCH CHUCKLES All right, let's get started.

-Ladies and gentlemen, I went to the zoo...

-Oh, I'm going to be sick.

-What do you make of that, you gang of poo-heads?

-Oh!

You said you wouldn't be rude. You said poo-heads.

Poo-heads is rude. We say nincompoops.

Nincompoops...is rubbish...

you poo-head.

Oh! We've got to do the song now.

Oh, no! Not the song! Whatever you do, don't sing!

Music, please.

-I'd go anywhere to get out of this. It's terrible.

-MUSIC PLAYS

# Anywhere, I will find you Don't care where

# Look behind you, I'll be there Following you around... #

Oh, no! Oh, no!

# Rain or shine, you won't shake me

# I don't mind where you take me

# I'll be there Following you around... #

I'm gonna hide.

# Hey, listen, don't you know?

-# Hiding does no good... #

-That's what HE thinks!

# Wherever you may go I'll be in the neighbourhood

# If you fly, I will follow

# I don't care about tomorrow

# Long as I'm following you around... #

It's terrible! It's awful. I'm sorry, kids.

-Just get off.

-Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

-Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Pete and Titch.

CHEERING

It's time to go over to Mr Burgess. Mr Burgess?

I thought it was atrocious. What did you think?

It was quite funny but also a bit stupid.

Yes. I would agree with you on the "bit stupid" bit.

Thank you, Mr Burgess. ..Did you like them?

-Yeah, but if he joined the X Factor I think he'll get chucked out.

-Get off.

-What about you, sir?

-I think... he had a great voice.

A great voice? Are you deaf, sunshine?!

One final word to sum up this rubbish.

-Thumbs up.

-Thumbs up?

I'll leave it with you, sir.

One more performing prisoner to see. I should say prisoners,

because we now have four fabulously talented inmates.

You're going to decide which one of these acts

are going to walk free from The Slammer tonight.

-DRUM ROLL

-Will it be the incredible acrobatics

of the Acromaniacs?!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

LOUD RASPBERRY

CHEERING

LOUD CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mr Burgess, over to you.

-What have you got to say about it, young lady?

-It was really great.

And I liked the bit when the man farted.

When he did a trump, you mean, madam.

-Have you enjoyed the performing prisoners on The Slammer?

-ALL: YES!

Let's welcome them back. We had Monsieur Horn-o-Phone,

Iona the contortionist,

Pete and Titch...

..and the wonderful Acromaniacs. Give them a big hand.

Right...

Only one act of these performing prisoners

can walk free from The Slammer.

It's up to you to decide with the aid of the clap-o-meter.

Round of applause for the clap-o-meter.

Come on, bring it on.

There it is. This is The Slammer's very own invention -

the clap-o-meter - which will decide which of our performing prisoners

will walk free. You will decide.

Remember, everybody, it depends on how loud YOU clap.

Let's hear it first of all for Michel Lauzier and his horn-o-phone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, let's have a look at the clap-o-meter.

The score...99.9.

Good score. You liked the horn-o-phone.

Next act up - Iona the contortionist!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's see the computer's thinking.

95.4.

So, still on the lead on the horn-o-phone with Michel.

Now we have act three, please, give it up, ladies and gentlemen

for Pete and Titch.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Pete and Titch score...53.

Oh, disappointing. Ladies and gentlemen,

will you please make some noise for the fabulous Acromaniacs!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The score for the Acromaniacs on the clap-o-meter was...

125.5.

The winners of The Slammer are the Acromaniacs, who go free.

They take the walk to freedom.

Mr Burgess, take the others back to their cells. A round of applause.

Acromaniacs, you're free to leave The Slammer. Let's hear it for them.

They're free.

Thank you.

More soon from The Slammer. Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd - 2006

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