Episode 8 The Slammer


Episode 8

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Transcript


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# You've been found guilty

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# Of a howling showbiz crime

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# So welcome to The Slammer

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# Where you're going to serve your time

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# With every type of minstrel, entertainer, artiste

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# Performing to the limit To try and get released

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# So go fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

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# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

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# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

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I don't believe this!

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Tap-dancing puppets!

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I love it!

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I thought I'd seen everything - whistling Chihuahuas,

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formation welding, David Dickinson's paso doble,

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but this is the breakthrough for variety.

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Oh, thank you!

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-You could have earned a ticket out of here, you're in the show.

-Sir!

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-Does that mean me too?

-New prisoner.

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54836 - Hellcat McSavage, sir! ..Come on!

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McSavage, yes, come here.

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-Don't be shy.

-MCSAVAGE GROWLS

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These places can be intimidating. I'm sure you'll fit right in.

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Aggh!

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Yes, well, I'll just leave you to make some new friends.

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-Burgess.

-Sir.

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Oh, what a lovely doggie. ..Hello, doggie.

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The dog is a prisoner and will be appearing on today's show.

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On your way, thank you.

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Now then, sir...this new prisoner - Hellcat -

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what's his act exactly?

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-Close-up magic, I believe.

-Oh?

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He booked himself into Wembley Stadium.

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People at the back couldn't see a thing. Got ten years for that.

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EVIL LAUGHTER

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-Go on, then.

-No, I really think it should be you, Mel.

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I think you should go.

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No, no, you do it.

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Oh, for goodness sake, you two, I'll go!

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Hellcat?

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-No, no, it's OK.

-Oh.

-I'll do it.

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Melvin Odoom, song and dance band. Should I call you "Hellcat"?

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I'm the "go to" man around here. People need things, they come to me.

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-CRUNCH!

-Ow-w!

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-Not any more they don't, young'un. Understand?

-Yes, Hellcat.

-What?!

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-I mean, Mr McSavage. I understand.

-Get your props in my cell.

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You want to practise your act, it's going to cost you.

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Nobody so much as taps a foot without my say-so.

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I am the Daddy now.

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And I want a Star Wars duvet cover,

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and a Dr Who alarm clock.

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CRASH!

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I'm very happy for you to sing in the freedom show later, son,

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but it's going to cost you 30 quid... for every note.

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I don't like it, Mr Burgess. There's a funny atmosphere.

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Everyone's miserable.

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-It's beginning to feel like a prison.

-I know, sir. Lovely.

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Ah, Out Of The Blue, getting some practice in for the show?

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Use your latest tune. Go on.

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-# Yeah! #

-Is that it?

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What about a Gnarls Barkley or Snow "Petrol"

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or Postman Pat - my favourite. Sing us that.

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I like that.

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# Postman Pat, Postman Pat And his black-and-white cat

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# All the birds are singing The day is just beginning

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# Pat feels he's a really happy man! He's Postman Pat! #

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That's more like it. Very good.

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Oh, well, I wouldn't mind being charged if this was a Broadway stage,

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but this is a prison - what is this place coming to?

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Quiet! Shush!

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-It cost me, but I've got it.

-What, Hellcat's real record.

-Yeah, look.

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He's not a real entertainer - five bank robberies, two diamond heists,

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-and a late video return.

-What was it?

-The Empire Strikes Back.

-Oh, yes!

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-Vintage Mark Hamill, good choice.

-Yeah.

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The point is, he pulled strings for an easy stretch.

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We should let the Governor know.

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It could be risky. If Hellcat finds out it was us, he'll get us.

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Of course, there is another way.

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What?

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Yoo-hoo, Governor, over here! What are you doing?!

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Oh, hello. Yoo-hoo, over here.

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-My latest discovery.

-Oh, yes, sorry to interrupt, sir, but...

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Let the lad speak.

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I think our newest arrival has something to tell you.

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Come this way. I think he doesn't quite fit in.

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Oh, yes?

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HELLCAT WAILS

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What's wrong with everybody?

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I'm just trying to make some friends. He knows I'm homesick.

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-Why does he have to keep rubbing it in?

-There, there, I understand.

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It just takes time, that's all. Come here.

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-Look what you've done, you brute.

-But...

-No buts. No bullying.

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Mr Burgess, lock this puppet in his cell until show time.

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Infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me!

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Ooh, it's an outrage.

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Now, let this be a lesson to all of you.

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We all miss our families, especially in a place like this.

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-We have to be grown up. Mr Burgess?

-Sir?

-Get my mum on the phone.

-Sir!

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Right, I think it's about time you all started practising your acts.

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DOOR OPENS

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-Mr McSavage, sorry to disturb you.

-What?

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-Are you concerned about the freedom show?

-"Freedom show"?

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-The performance.

-What performance?

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You and I both know that you shouldn't be here.

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That's cool. I'm worried you'll get found out.

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-What are you talking about?

-You say you're a magician,

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but what if the Governor asks you to do a trick?

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-You got a point.

-Now, Woodrow here...

-MELV WOLF-WHISTLES

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-..the Warlock from Worksop has agreed to show you some moves.

-Yeah?

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What's the catch?

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Well, perhaps you could be just a tiny bit nicer to everyone.

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You got a deal.

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No coloured hankies, though!

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Right, so it's agreed.

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We get him a slot on the freedom show,

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then we throw it to let him win - to get rid of him.

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Right? Yeah? Just need to persuade the Governor to put him on the bill.

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Aggh! CRASH!

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It's no use! I can't do it!

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-It's no use! I can't do it!

-Take it easy.

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-It's not going to work!

-Show us what you've learnt so far.

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See?

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Oh, dear!

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We're doomed. Only an idiot would fall for that.

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Everyone all right in here?

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PING!

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Yes, see you soon, byesy-bye.

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It was amazing. He had a card in his hand,

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and the next minute it had, like, completely disappeared.

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It was there, then not there. It's a playing card...

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Yes, yes, I have seen card tricks before. I'm sure it was dazzling.

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Your recommendation has been duly filed.

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We filled the last slot on the freedom show this morning

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with Peter Nokio and Ted Astaire.

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Show business is a tough business.

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If it hadn't been for that tap-dancing puppet,

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he'd have been right in there.

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I want to help, but I won't get another chance on the show.

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You're telling me. Shut it!

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It's not about you. It's been hell since he arrived.

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Yeah, you selfish twit.

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You've been great, but I can't let this opportunity pass me by.

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I don't know how you can live with yourself.

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-Anyway, how do I look?

-Divine.

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Thank you very much. In that case, it's show time!

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

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where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

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Now, please welcome your host, feeding three square meals a day

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to performers whose talent has gone astray,

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it's the Governor!

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APPLAUSE

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Who's the Governor?!

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You are the Governor!

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Great, welcome to The Slammer, where you decide

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who takes the walk of freedom from our marvellous performing prisoners.

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Are you ready for this?

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ALL: Yes!

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We've got Samsam the Bubbleman. He blows bubbles all over the place.

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We've got a great group called Out Of The Blue!

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ALL: Wooh!

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We've got our very own Pete

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who's here with a very special guest called Ted Astaire.

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Jailers and jailbirds, give a big hand

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to Donelda and her freestyle dog - Biba!

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MUSIC PLAYS "Le Freak" by Chic

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APPLAUSE

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Donelda and Biba - a lovely round of applause, please, boys and girls.

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Oh, marvellous!

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Well, I think Biba had her human very well trained there, didn't she?

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ALL: Yes!

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But what did you think? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

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-Hello, sir. Your assessment of that act?

-Um, it was really good,

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but she did the same moves a lot - a bit repetitive.

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What did you think, young man?

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Magnificent! They don't need to train any more.

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You don't have to train any more. You've cracked it. Wonderful.

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It was terrific. I've never seen anything like it before.

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Never in your whole life?

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Sum that up with a final word from Mr Burgess.

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Would you sum that act up for us in a final word, Miss?

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-Fantabbytastic.

-Fantabbytastic. Tabby, that's cats.

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Will Donelda and Biba scamper out through the doors of The Slammer?

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Who knows? We've got to see some more performing prisoners now.

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The next performing prisoner is very, very unusual.

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He's used up all the washing-up liquid in The Slammer,

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doing mysterious bubble things.

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Jailers and jailbirds, please welcome Samsam the Bubbleman.

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APPLAUSE

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Give him a big hand there, ladies and gentlemen,

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-for Samsam the Bubbleman!

-APPLAUSE

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My word! Oh-h! Don't try that when you're doing the washing-up.

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You'll get into trouble. What did you think? Let's find out.

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-What did you think of his act?

-Brilliant.

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And? Come on! Come on!

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What else?

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I don't know.

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-I thought he was OK but not brilliant.

-Could you do that?

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Probably not.

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-I didn't know bubbles could get so big.

-They were quite big.

-Yeah.

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-On a scale of one to ten, how big were they?

-Ten.

-Ten.

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Some bubbly words there. Let's have a final one from Mr Burgess.

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-One, sir, one. I'm looking for one.

-Bubbatastic.

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Bubbatastic, sir.

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Will Samsam the Bubbleman blow his way out of The Slammer?

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You'll be deciding later. We've got 11 performing prisoners to see now.

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They're eating us out of porridge, so I really hope they win this week.

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Please give it up for Out Of The Blue!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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THEY HUM IN HARMONY

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# When I'm down and my hands are tied

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# Hands are tied

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-# I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line

-Draw the line

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-# From this pain I just can't disguise

-Can't disguise

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-# It's going to hurt but I'll have to say goodbye

-Say goodbye

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# Up in my lonely room

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# When I'm dreaming of you Oh, what can I do?

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# I still need you but I don't want you now

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THEY HUM IN HARMONY

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# Up in my lonely room

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# When I'm dreaming of you Oh, what can I do?

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# I still need you but I don't want you now! #

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APPLAUSE

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Give them a big hand there.

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Give them a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen -

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Out Of The Blue.

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My word! We've got more performers than we've got jailers there.

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What did you think of Out Of The Blue?

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Let's go over to our boy in blue - Mr Burgess.

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A cappella or kakappella - what did you think of it?

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A bit freaky when they were dancing.

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-You didn't like the dancing?

-No.

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-What was best, their singing or they're dancing?

-Their singing.

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-What did you think to that?

-It was weird

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because it was only them singing and it sounded like they had a theme tune

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and their dancing was weird so I'll give it eight out of ten.

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-One final word from you.

-Beatful.

-Beatful?

-Yeah.

-Very nice.

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Beatful, sir.

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-Who's the Governor?

-You're the Governor!

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Shout out the act that you want to release from The Slammer.

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ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

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Well, you can't make your mind up yet.

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We've got one more performing prisoner to see

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or, rather, one more and a little one

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because Peter Nokio has been in The Slammer for a long time,

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but we're going to give him another chance at freedom.

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Jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome Pete and Ted Astaire?

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APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, ladies...

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ECHOING WHINE

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'It's been hell since McSavage arrived.'

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'Nobody so much as taps a foot without my say-so.'

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'It's not just about you, Pete. It's about all of us.'

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'I am the Daddy now.'

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Do the right thing, Peter.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Hellcat McSavage!

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Come on, Mr Hellcat, you're on. Come on!

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What did you think of that? What did you think of Hellcat McSavage?

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Oh. I hear the sound of my own footsteps. ..Mr Burgess, help me.

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I'm not too sure what to make of that. What did you make of it?

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-Rubbish, like a dustbin. Pathetic and worthless.

-I agree with that.

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-Sir!

-Yes.

-Sum that act up for us in one word.

-Garbage.

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Garbage, sir.

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I don't think Hellcat will get the highest score, but you never know.

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Let's welcome them all back onto the stage.

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A round of applause for all of them.

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For Donelda and Biba, for Samsam the Bubbleman, for Out Of The Blue,

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all 11 of them,

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and, of course, bringing up the rear, it's that Hellcat McSavage.

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-Oh, watch out for him. Keep an eye on him, Mr Burgess.

-Don't you worry.

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Jailers and jailbirds, I want you to show your appreciation.

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This is what will measure your scores.

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Yes, lovingly displayed by Gimbert there - The Slammer clapometer.

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Each act steps forward, you clap and the clapometer turns it into points.

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The highest points go free. Are you ready to do this?

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ALL: Yes!

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Well, a lovely act - the first time a doggie's performed in The Slammer.

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Will you give a great big hand to Donelda and her freestyle dog Biba?

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CHEERING

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Marvellous. Oh, I wonder if she could train Gimbert to do that

0:24:450:24:51

if she gave him a chocolate drop. I doubt it. Let's see the score.

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Donelda and Biba - 103.9. That's a great score.

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Let's go on to our second performer. What a bubbly performance it was.

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Jailers and jailbirds, make some noise for Samsam the Bubbleman.

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CHEERING

0:25:080:25:10

Good score but that means you'll stay with us a bit longer.

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Now 11 of them,

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all in smart suits that they've borrowed for the occasion.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big hand for out Of The Blue.

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Well, that means you're staying a bit longer.

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More porridge, Mr Burgess.

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We've got one more performing prisoner. He was lovely, wasn't he?

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His warm smile, his winning manner,

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his wonderful trick, I only say that cos I'm frightened.

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Jailers, jailbirds, convict connoisseurs,

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what did you think of Hellcat McSavage?

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BOOING FROM AUDIENCE

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And Hellcat scores... Let's have a look.

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Oh, 2.

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Well, what do you expect? I'm a real criminal. I'm not an entertainer.

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Mr Burgess, did you hear that?

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Gimbert, take him away.

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Come with me. You're a very naughty man indeed.

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He's a criminal, not an entertainer. I should have guessed it.

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That means the winners of The Slammer this week and free to go

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are Donelda and her freestyle dog Biba.

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-You're free to go.

-CHEERING

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You're free to go.

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Off you go.

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The rest of you, back in the cells. Warders, take them away.

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Poor Mr Burgess. Out Of The Blue, and Samsam the Bubbleman -

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give them a round of applause, jailers and jailbirds, please.

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-CHEERING

-Bye, doggie, yes.

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Jailers and jailbirds, that's it from The Slammer.

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We're locking them up in their cells ready for another freedom show soon.

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From everyone here, if you can't dance or rhyme, don't do the crime.

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Bye, everybody. Bye-bye.

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer!

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# Leave The Slammer

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# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

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SIREN WAILS

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-Get off!

-Off you go, Hellcat. You're not welcome here. Naughty boy.

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I thought he should have won.

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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There's a new prisoner in the Slammer, but is he who he says he is and will he gain his freedom? Also up for release are a dancing dog, an a cappella group and a bubbleman.


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