Episode 8 The Slammer

# You've been found guilty

# Of a howling showbiz crime

# So welcome to The Slammer

# Where you're going to serve your time

# With every type of minstrel, entertainer, artiste

# Performing to the limit To try and get released

# So go fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer

# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour

# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

I don't believe this!

Tap-dancing puppets!

I love it!

I thought I'd seen everything - whistling Chihuahuas,

formation welding, David Dickinson's paso doble,

but this is the breakthrough for variety.

Oh, thank you!

-You could have earned a ticket out of here, you're in the show.

-Sir!

-Does that mean me too?

-New prisoner.

54836 - Hellcat McSavage, sir! ..Come on!

McSavage, yes, come here.

-Don't be shy.

-MCSAVAGE GROWLS

These places can be intimidating. I'm sure you'll fit right in.

Aggh!

Yes, well, I'll just leave you to make some new friends.

-Burgess.

-Sir.

Oh, what a lovely doggie. ..Hello, doggie.

The dog is a prisoner and will be appearing on today's show.

On your way, thank you.

Now then, sir...this new prisoner - Hellcat -

what's his act exactly?

-Close-up magic, I believe.

-Oh?

He booked himself into Wembley Stadium.

People at the back couldn't see a thing. Got ten years for that.

EVIL LAUGHTER

-Go on, then.

-No, I really think it should be you, Mel.

I think you should go.

No, no, you do it.

Oh, for goodness sake, you two, I'll go!

Hellcat?

-No, no, it's OK.

-Oh.

-I'll do it.

Melvin Odoom, song and dance band. Should I call you "Hellcat"?

I'm the "go to" man around here. People need things, they come to me.

-CRUNCH!

-Ow-w!

-Not any more they don't, young'un. Understand?

-Yes, Hellcat.

-What?!

-I mean, Mr McSavage. I understand.

-Get your props in my cell.

You want to practise your act, it's going to cost you.

Nobody so much as taps a foot without my say-so.

I am the Daddy now.

And I want a Star Wars duvet cover,

and a Dr Who alarm clock.

CRASH!

I'm very happy for you to sing in the freedom show later, son,

but it's going to cost you 30 quid... for every note.

I don't like it, Mr Burgess. There's a funny atmosphere.

Everyone's miserable.

-It's beginning to feel like a prison.

-I know, sir. Lovely.

Ah, Out Of The Blue, getting some practice in for the show?

Use your latest tune. Go on.

-# Yeah! #

-Is that it?

What about a Gnarls Barkley or Snow "Petrol"

or Postman Pat - my favourite. Sing us that.

I like that.

# Postman Pat, Postman Pat And his black-and-white cat

# All the birds are singing The day is just beginning

# Pat feels he's a really happy man! He's Postman Pat! #

That's more like it. Very good.

Oh, well, I wouldn't mind being charged if this was a Broadway stage,

but this is a prison - what is this place coming to?

Quiet! Shush!

-It cost me, but I've got it.

-What, Hellcat's real record.

-Yeah, look.

He's not a real entertainer - five bank robberies, two diamond heists,

-and a late video return.

-What was it?

-The Empire Strikes Back.

-Oh, yes!

-Vintage Mark Hamill, good choice.

-Yeah.

The point is, he pulled strings for an easy stretch.

We should let the Governor know.

It could be risky. If Hellcat finds out it was us, he'll get us.

Of course, there is another way.

What?

Yoo-hoo, Governor, over here! What are you doing?!

Oh, hello. Yoo-hoo, over here.

-My latest discovery.

-Oh, yes, sorry to interrupt, sir, but...

Let the lad speak.

I think our newest arrival has something to tell you.

Come this way. I think he doesn't quite fit in.

Oh, yes?

HELLCAT WAILS

What's wrong with everybody?

I'm just trying to make some friends. He knows I'm homesick.

-Why does he have to keep rubbing it in?

-There, there, I understand.

It just takes time, that's all. Come here.

-Look what you've done, you brute.

-But...

-No buts. No bullying.

Mr Burgess, lock this puppet in his cell until show time.

Infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me!

Ooh, it's an outrage.

Now, let this be a lesson to all of you.

We all miss our families, especially in a place like this.

-We have to be grown up. Mr Burgess?

-Sir?

-Get my mum on the phone.

-Sir!

Right, I think it's about time you all started practising your acts.

DOOR OPENS

-Mr McSavage, sorry to disturb you.

-What?

-Are you concerned about the freedom show?

-"Freedom show"?

-The performance.

-What performance?

You and I both know that you shouldn't be here.

That's cool. I'm worried you'll get found out.

-What are you talking about?

-You say you're a magician,

but what if the Governor asks you to do a trick?

-You got a point.

-Now, Woodrow here...

-MELV WOLF-WHISTLES

-..the Warlock from Worksop has agreed to show you some moves.

-Yeah?

What's the catch?

Well, perhaps you could be just a tiny bit nicer to everyone.

You got a deal.

No coloured hankies, though!

Right, so it's agreed.

We get him a slot on the freedom show,

then we throw it to let him win - to get rid of him.

Right? Yeah? Just need to persuade the Governor to put him on the bill.

Aggh! CRASH!

It's no use! I can't do it!

-It's no use! I can't do it!

-Take it easy.

-It's not going to work!

-Show us what you've learnt so far.

See?

Oh, dear!

We're doomed. Only an idiot would fall for that.

Everyone all right in here?

PING!

Yes, see you soon, byesy-bye.

It was amazing. He had a card in his hand,

and the next minute it had, like, completely disappeared.

It was there, then not there. It's a playing card...

Yes, yes, I have seen card tricks before. I'm sure it was dazzling.

Your recommendation has been duly filed.

We filled the last slot on the freedom show this morning

with Peter Nokio and Ted Astaire.

Show business is a tough business.

If it hadn't been for that tap-dancing puppet,

he'd have been right in there.

I want to help, but I won't get another chance on the show.

You're telling me. Shut it!

It's not about you. It's been hell since he arrived.

Yeah, you selfish twit.

You've been great, but I can't let this opportunity pass me by.

I don't know how you can live with yourself.

-Anyway, how do I look?

-Divine.

Thank you very much. In that case, it's show time!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,

where you decide which prisoner is to be released.

Now, please welcome your host, feeding three square meals a day

to performers whose talent has gone astray,

it's the Governor!

APPLAUSE

Who's the Governor?!

You are the Governor!

Great, welcome to The Slammer, where you decide

who takes the walk of freedom from our marvellous performing prisoners.

Are you ready for this?

ALL: Yes!

We've got Samsam the Bubbleman. He blows bubbles all over the place.

We've got a great group called Out Of The Blue!

ALL: Wooh!

We've got our very own Pete

who's here with a very special guest called Ted Astaire.

Jailers and jailbirds, give a big hand

to Donelda and her freestyle dog - Biba!

MUSIC PLAYS "Le Freak" by Chic

APPLAUSE

Donelda and Biba - a lovely round of applause, please, boys and girls.

Oh, marvellous!

Well, I think Biba had her human very well trained there, didn't she?

ALL: Yes!

But what did you think? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.

-Hello, sir. Your assessment of that act?

-Um, it was really good,

but she did the same moves a lot - a bit repetitive.

What did you think, young man?

Magnificent! They don't need to train any more.

You don't have to train any more. You've cracked it. Wonderful.

It was terrific. I've never seen anything like it before.

Never in your whole life?

Sum that up with a final word from Mr Burgess.

Would you sum that act up for us in a final word, Miss?

-Fantabbytastic.

-Fantabbytastic. Tabby, that's cats.

Will Donelda and Biba scamper out through the doors of The Slammer?

Who knows? We've got to see some more performing prisoners now.

The next performing prisoner is very, very unusual.

He's used up all the washing-up liquid in The Slammer,

doing mysterious bubble things.

Jailers and jailbirds, please welcome Samsam the Bubbleman.

APPLAUSE

Give him a big hand there, ladies and gentlemen,

-for Samsam the Bubbleman!

-APPLAUSE

My word! Oh-h! Don't try that when you're doing the washing-up.

You'll get into trouble. What did you think? Let's find out.

-What did you think of his act?

-Brilliant.

And? Come on! Come on!

What else?

I don't know.

-I thought he was OK but not brilliant.

-Could you do that?

Probably not.

-I didn't know bubbles could get so big.

-They were quite big.

-Yeah.

-On a scale of one to ten, how big were they?

-Ten.

-Ten.

Some bubbly words there. Let's have a final one from Mr Burgess.

-One, sir, one. I'm looking for one.

-Bubbatastic.

Bubbatastic, sir.

Will Samsam the Bubbleman blow his way out of The Slammer?

You'll be deciding later. We've got 11 performing prisoners to see now.

They're eating us out of porridge, so I really hope they win this week.

Please give it up for Out Of The Blue!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEY HUM IN HARMONY

# When I'm down and my hands are tied

# Hands are tied

-# I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line

-Draw the line

-# From this pain I just can't disguise

-Can't disguise

-# It's going to hurt but I'll have to say goodbye

-Say goodbye

# Up in my lonely room

# When I'm dreaming of you Oh, what can I do?

# I still need you but I don't want you now

THEY HUM IN HARMONY

# Up in my lonely room

# When I'm dreaming of you Oh, what can I do?

# I still need you but I don't want you now! #

APPLAUSE

Give them a big hand there.

Give them a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen -

Out Of The Blue.

My word! We've got more performers than we've got jailers there.

What did you think of Out Of The Blue?

Let's go over to our boy in blue - Mr Burgess.

A cappella or kakappella - what did you think of it?

A bit freaky when they were dancing.

-You didn't like the dancing?

-No.

-What was best, their singing or they're dancing?

-Their singing.

-What did you think to that?

-It was weird

because it was only them singing and it sounded like they had a theme tune

and their dancing was weird so I'll give it eight out of ten.

-One final word from you.

-Beatful.

-Beatful?

-Yeah.

-Very nice.

Beatful, sir.

-Who's the Governor?

-You're the Governor!

Shout out the act that you want to release from The Slammer.

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Well, you can't make your mind up yet.

We've got one more performing prisoner to see

or, rather, one more and a little one

because Peter Nokio has been in The Slammer for a long time,

but we're going to give him another chance at freedom.

Jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome Pete and Ted Astaire?

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies...

ECHOING WHINE

'It's been hell since McSavage arrived.'

'Nobody so much as taps a foot without my say-so.'

'It's not just about you, Pete. It's about all of us.'

'I am the Daddy now.'

Do the right thing, Peter.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Hellcat McSavage!

Come on, Mr Hellcat, you're on. Come on!

What did you think of that? What did you think of Hellcat McSavage?

Oh. I hear the sound of my own footsteps. ..Mr Burgess, help me.

I'm not too sure what to make of that. What did you make of it?

-Rubbish, like a dustbin. Pathetic and worthless.

-I agree with that.

-Sir!

-Yes.

-Sum that act up for us in one word.

-Garbage.

Garbage, sir.

I don't think Hellcat will get the highest score, but you never know.

Let's welcome them all back onto the stage.

A round of applause for all of them.

For Donelda and Biba, for Samsam the Bubbleman, for Out Of The Blue,

all 11 of them,

and, of course, bringing up the rear, it's that Hellcat McSavage.

-Oh, watch out for him. Keep an eye on him, Mr Burgess.

-Don't you worry.

Jailers and jailbirds, I want you to show your appreciation.

This is what will measure your scores.

Yes, lovingly displayed by Gimbert there - The Slammer clapometer.

Each act steps forward, you clap and the clapometer turns it into points.

The highest points go free. Are you ready to do this?

ALL: Yes!

Well, a lovely act - the first time a doggie's performed in The Slammer.

Will you give a great big hand to Donelda and her freestyle dog Biba?

CHEERING

Marvellous. Oh, I wonder if she could train Gimbert to do that

if she gave him a chocolate drop. I doubt it. Let's see the score.

Donelda and Biba - 103.9. That's a great score.

Let's go on to our second performer. What a bubbly performance it was.

Jailers and jailbirds, make some noise for Samsam the Bubbleman.

CHEERING

Good score but that means you'll stay with us a bit longer.

Now 11 of them,

all in smart suits that they've borrowed for the occasion.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big hand for out Of The Blue.

Well, that means you're staying a bit longer.

More porridge, Mr Burgess.

We've got one more performing prisoner. He was lovely, wasn't he?

His warm smile, his winning manner,

his wonderful trick, I only say that cos I'm frightened.

Jailers, jailbirds, convict connoisseurs,

what did you think of Hellcat McSavage?

BOOING FROM AUDIENCE

And Hellcat scores... Let's have a look.

Oh, 2.

Well, what do you expect? I'm a real criminal. I'm not an entertainer.

Mr Burgess, did you hear that?

Gimbert, take him away.

Come with me. You're a very naughty man indeed.

He's a criminal, not an entertainer. I should have guessed it.

That means the winners of The Slammer this week and free to go

are Donelda and her freestyle dog Biba.

-You're free to go.

-CHEERING

You're free to go.

Off you go.

The rest of you, back in the cells. Warders, take them away.

Poor Mr Burgess. Out Of The Blue, and Samsam the Bubbleman -

give them a round of applause, jailers and jailbirds, please.

-CHEERING

-Bye, doggie, yes.

Jailers and jailbirds, that's it from The Slammer.

We're locking them up in their cells ready for another freedom show soon.

From everyone here, if you can't dance or rhyme, don't do the crime.

Bye, everybody. Bye-bye.

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer!

# Leave The Slammer

# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #

SIREN WAILS

-Get off!

-Off you go, Hellcat. You're not welcome here. Naughty boy.

I thought he should have won.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.