Victoria Wood: Seen on TV


Victoria Wood: Seen on TV

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-Three words to describe Victoria Wood?

-Three words?

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Oh...

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Oh, now that's difficult. Erm?

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Er...

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I have to think of good words.

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I could describe her in six words.

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-What have other people said?

-Hysterical.

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Best friend, please.

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Funny, real...

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daft.

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It's true, innit?

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Multi-talented phenomenon.

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Funny, lowercase.

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There are too many. I can't give it three.

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Funny, uppercase.

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Funny, funny, funny.

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And funny in double extra-large letters.

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Vic is the queen.

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Very, very funny, very, very intelligent and very down to earth.

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I bow. I bow.

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Will that do?

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So here I am!

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If I meet people that don't get her humour or whatever,

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I think, "Well, can't really be friends with them."

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She is, as a writer, off the wall.

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Where's Mrs O? It's only her macaroons that kept me going.

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I find myself thinking, "It's just one marvellous joke after another."

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My favourite moment in a theatre ever was a Victoria Wood moment.

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-I love him really.

-She's a hoot, isn't she?

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Is it on the trolley?

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I think the first words I ever remember Victoria Wood saying were "shag pile".

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Now that's the blue of our Margaret's shower curtain there.

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-Where?

-Them varicose veins there.

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A kind of kaleidoscope, isn't she?

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She switches something round and something else wonderful happens.

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'It's so long since I'd a mince pie, I suppose I'd forgotten how to eat it.

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'Somehow I missed my mouth altogether and put it straight in my eye.'

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I think it's absolutely fair to say that Victoria changed the comedy landscape.

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Different pants for different moods with me. M&S, BHS, C&A, PMT.

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Feels like you're meeting somebody who's incredibly bright but could have lived a street away from you.

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Thank God she's there. There's somebody funny to laugh at that is, apparently, female.

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It never bothered me when you looked like Tommy Cooper.

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Really glad I met her. I suppose I should stand up

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and bump my head on the microphone, but I'm not going to.

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I hope that she knows the world loves her, cos they do.

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APPLAUSE

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Eh, eh.

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I'm meeting a man tonight.

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I'm going on a proper date.

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He's taking me to a creperie.

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We're going to creep in, have a crepe and creep out again.

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'I still get muddled up with Pam Ayers.'

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Another person stopped me and said, "You were absolutely brilliant."

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I thought he said, "You ARE absolutely brilliant." "OK. Thank you so much. "

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He said, "You were absolutely brilliant in Mamma Mia!"

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I went, "I wasn't in Mamma Mia. That was Julie Walters."

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Thank you.

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-How self-conscious do you feel when we're doing things like this, when you're...?

-Not at all.

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But then I'm not the one walking backwards.

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Go on, Luce, you can do it!

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Eh! How's that? Is that a good 'un?

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'I was always comfortable with it.'

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I was always took it as a great sign that... Mind that sign.

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I took it as a sign that what I was doing was working.

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That I was on the telly and people knew who I was.

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Ooh, hello!

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-They've been signed by you.

-They're signed already?

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In Liverpool.

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-Well, they're very nice, I must say.

-Do you like it?

-Yes.

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I've never understood people who go into show business then complain their privacy's been invaded

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by people asking for autographs, cos to me that's part of the job.

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Big sign coming up.

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Look, if I go out of the photo...

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'I don't get recognised a huge amount. I never get hassled.

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'Maybe people will look twice because they've seen me on the telly.'

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It's a very minimal thing in my case. Big tree stump coming up.

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It's not a big thing.

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-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-Thank you so much.

-Bye.

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'Ello.

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I'm looking for me friend.

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Kimberly.

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People are lovely, so nice. They used to say, "We really like your work."

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Now they say, "We've liked you for years and years."

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You think, "You don't have to mention how many years."

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Have you seen 'er?

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I didn't know whether I could make a career out of it.

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I mean, at university I was a real big flop

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and I always had this feeling there was something that I could do.

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I couldn't quite nail down what it was, because there was no role model for me really,

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as a woman stand up or even sitting at the piano singing.

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There was really nobody else doing that.

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So I was very much blundering about in the dark.

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# Mum is glad I'm not rough and she loves me enough

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# To tell me, twice

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# What she doesn't know And I hope it doesn't show

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# Is that I hate being nice. #

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I think the most important thing about Victoria was that she changed

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everything, not just in women's comedy on television,

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but in comedy in general on television.

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She was the one who broke the grip of the old Footlight's tradition.

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It had given us a lot. It still does,

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but it needed expanding and she was the one who did it.

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On her own actually.

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Just coming out of the north like a new, great wave...

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a one-person, invading army.

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I come out of toilet and he says,

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"Eh, scallop face, your skirt's caught up in your knickers at back!"

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I said, "Know why?" He says, "Why?"

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"Cos that's latest fashion. I read it in a boook."

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He says, "What boook?" I said, "Vogue, that's what boook."

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"Oh, likely, likely. When do you read Vogue?"

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I said, "When I'm in hospital having exploratory surgery."

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-He said, "Oh."

-He didn't?

-He did.

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Vic was outside of any of the supposed scenes,

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either the Oxbridge scene or the alternative scene.

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And, in fact, I later discovered that Vic had come this kind of circuitous route.

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Quite similar to Len, actually.

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I wasn't like the alternative comics who came up a few years later,

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who were very much a band of brothers.

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I was just on my own, living in a bedsit in Birmingham and really not knowing at all...

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I was clueless, except I did have, you know, some core of self-belief

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that I could actually make it work somehow. I didn't know how.

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Yes, it's the New Faces Winners Show.

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With Les Dennis.

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When I was at university in Birmingham,

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New Faces was shot at the ATV studios in Birmingham

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and it was the big talent show to be on.

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Victoria Wood. Jess and the Gingerbreads.

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New Faces was about people who wanted to get into show business,

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people who were in show business that needed television to launch their career a bit further.

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It was the one to be on and a friend was a make-up girl on it.

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The day I auditioned there was a queue of people round the block

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at the Dolce Vita nightclub where they were holding the auditions

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and she put my application form to the top of the pile and so I was able to be seen.

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Otherwise I never would have got seen or got on the telly.

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This young lady, well, what can you say about someone?

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She's just finished at Birmingham University

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after gaining an honours degree in drama.

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You always used to get huge viewing figures... 17, 18 million a week...

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and the impact was like X Factor is now.

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Please welcome Victoria Wood.

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APPLAUSE

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New Faces was actually a wonderful way to catapult her on.

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# There's a tin in the office cupboard

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# Labelled "Lorraine"

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# Because I've gone and get engaged again

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# I wonder what they'll give me?

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# Money would be ideal

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# Probably be something practical

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# In stainless steel... #

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I thought that was it. I thought, "Sorted!"

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You know, I'd been on ATV for three minutes on a Saturday night

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and I've won, so really, you know, what's the problem?

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Then a few years later I'm still sitting in a bedsit thinking,

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"Mm? Nothing's happened."

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# I'll be back at social security

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# Queuing up to be abused

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# To be listed

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# On a card index

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# A singer, slightly used. #

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'That's Life! seemed like a big thing, but I was very unenterprising and I didn't really have an agent.'

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Although I was on telly every two weeks to an audience of 50 million,

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the songs were not particularly interesting, cos they were based on current events

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and things Esther asked me to write that were in the news.

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I could have used that as a launching pad, but sadly

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didn't have the nous to capitalise on this.

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# Ever heard of being happy?

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# Ever heard of fun?

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# Why this wonderful impression of a hot cross bun? #

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I first noticed her when she did her first little stage show in London.

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She was on stage with a couple of my friends.

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I was living in the same house as the friends and they took me along.

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And I think it's fair to say that Victoria stood out.

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She had this super weapon, of course,

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she could write the music and sing it.

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-Young people these days turn to each other's private parts...

-Out of sheer boredom.

-They do.

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-They do.

-In my day, it wasn't the same.

-Of course, it wasn't.

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Kept myself happy for years with a couple of bobbins and a crochet hook.

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'The minute I realised I had found my voice...'

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Cos every comedian, every writer, has to have their own voice.

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And up until the point that you find your voice, you're really, you know,

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you're wandering around in the wilderness, echoing people who've gone before.

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It was in '78. I was at the Bush Theatre in Shepherd's Bush.

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I was doing a review that Julie Walters was in and I was just one of the writers.

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I didn't understand the humour of the other sketches and then suddenly Vic and Julie

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came on and it was total bliss and right up my street.

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The big hit of the evening was her saying to me,

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"Well, where are you in the menstrual cycle?"

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And I said..."Taurus."

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And the whole house just came down every night.

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It was like somebody banging a gong.

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I wrote this sentence and it was constructed in such a way that it was funny,

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whereas everything I'd written before was nearly funny.

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There's nothing worse than nearly funny. It's painful.

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This was properly funny.

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We'll do it properly now, shall we?

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-Shall we?

-Could we do it again?

-Could you? Did you write this?

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Everything comes down to just that one sketch, meeting Julie in that summer of '78.

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So I didn't change so much, as I was in my groove and people started to recognise that.

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During the course of that I found out that we had in fact met before.

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She said, "We've met before, you know."

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I looked at her and I said, "Were you at Manchester Poly?"

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She said, "Yeah. Were you there in a green cardigan?" I said, "Yeah."

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And she didn't get in. They've never lived it down.

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And I've told everybody. I've told all the press, absolutely everyone.

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Till eventually I got a letter from the chancellor, or whatever the head of it's called, I can't remember,

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saying, "Please! We are sorry she didn't get in!"

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David Leland, who was a theatre director,

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who was doing a new play season at The Crucible in Sheffield...

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he saw that show at the Bush Theatre with Julie and I, and said to me,

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"Have you ever thought of writing a play?" No, I hadn't.

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He said, "Why don't you try and write one?" So I wrote one.

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And there was a large brown envelope through the letterbox.

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There was nothing in the envelope, but written on the back of the envelope was the plot for Talent.

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He said, "If you can think of an idea, put it through my letterbox."

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I did it in the night so I wouldn't have to talk to him.

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He said, "OK, write it." I'd never written a play.

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I thought, "That's easy."

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I wrote it in three weeks. I never changed it or anything.

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We might not win.

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No. We might get spotted.

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The man at the audition said a BBC producer come in once.

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But they don't take girls from offices to be on the television.

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They do!

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What about Pam Ayers?

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I was writing from the heart and I was writing with all that, you know, enthusiasm and energy.

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All the plays I wrote after that I put in the bin as I was so self-critical.

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But with Talent I don't think I was...

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I thought, "David knows. I'll write it for him, he can say if he likes it or not."

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What's the name of the programme?

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Wood And Walters. Studio six.

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Nope. Sorry. It's not down here.

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Wood And Walters came about because we'd done Talent at Granada for Peter Eckersley,

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who was head of drama, and he asked me if I wanted to have my own show.

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Have you no form of identification?

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Oh, show him your birthmark, Julie.

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I said, "I don't want to carry a whole show on my own. "Can Julie be in it as well?"

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And that's... And we sat in a room for a day before anybody thought of the title, Wood And Walters.

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-I am Victoria Wood. This is Julie Walters.

-Good evening.

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-The original title was Two Creatures, Great And Small.

-Or Wood Is Thicker Than Walters.

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Wood And Walters was like nothing on earth.

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Well, it was like some old people's home's day out.

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Ancient. I think they must have driven round in a bus saying,

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"If you don't like laughing, you know, get on this bus and we'll go to Granada

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and we'll show you some sketches won't you enjoy." It was painful.

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"Ooh, I don't know who... Who are they?"

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You'd hear a lot of that.

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Welcome to Wood And Walters, the comedy show with a difference.

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-It's off-beat.

-It's zany.

-It doesn't get laughs.

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And Ted Robins was our warm-up man and he was so desperate...

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I mean, he could only have been a boy then, cos this is 30 years ago.

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Or 35 years ago.

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He actually dropped his trousers

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and showed his bare bottom to an old lady.

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She'd been through two world wars and a depression.

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It'd take more than Ted's bum to make her crack a smile.

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Before we go any further, I'd like to say there's no canned laughter.

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-But we have been promised it will be here before the end of the programme.

-Yeah.

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The show was successful. The series was successful.

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But it was hard doing it in those circumstances.

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-What does a producer do?

-He comes down at the end and tells you how good it was.

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I knew it wasn't really very good and so I was bit, you know, distressed about it.

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I had a very different set-up at the BBC, because I had Geoff Posner,

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who produced and directed, who had a very great grip on the whole thing.

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So I had a very, very solid base from which to work.

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Happy with your wash?

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-Yes.

-How about close up?

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Yes!

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I went to visit her in Preston in this lovely little house she had,

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and sitting on the floor was Julie Walters.

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I introduced myself to her.

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The three of us read all of series one of As Seen On TV

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and I just had trouble in keeping a straight face.

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Did you go and see Macbeth?

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Uh! It wasn't a patch on Brigadoon.

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There was some terrible woman who kept washing her hands, saying she'd never get them clean.

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I felt like shouting out, "Try Swarfega!"

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The quality of the writing was just absolutely extraordinary, even in those days.

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Right from the word go, Victoria was writing all of those wonderful

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little phrases and sentences and rhythms that she's really famous for.

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-We walked out in the end.

-Why?

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Someone said "womb".

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-No.

-Mm. I said to Col, "Get your duffel!

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£2 on a box of Quality Street and someone says womb."

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I just learnt in the interim what you needed to do to put a good sketch show together.

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-Is Tony still in the SAS?

-No, he left.

-Well, you have to be

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incredibly tough to stick it. The violence and...

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Oh, and then of course the balaclava was so itchy.

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I was aware of Victoria of course

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from New Faces and for That's Life! and so on.

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I liked what she did, but it wasn't until As Seen On TV

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and me finding that that I became this sort of obsessive, stalking fan

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who has now learnt virtually every script she's ever written.

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-Our next-doors had sex again last night.

-Not again!

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I mean, I like a joke,

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but that's twice this month!

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I could not think what the noise was.

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I thought our central heating had come on a month early.

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Then I heard someone shout, "Oh, don't bother, Ken! I'll do it meself!"

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Most sketch shows these days,

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it seems to be a requirement they're hit and miss in the listings.

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But I don't think there's any misses with Victoria.

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It was always gem after gem.

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How's Plymouth looking?

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Either way, Alan, either way.

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It's on hold. I feel personally that Plymouth could be another Exeter.

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That's interesting.

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I'm keeping an ear to the ground with Plymouth.

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I think what the regional boys tend to forget...

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-Tim.

-Alan.

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Just coffee, thank you.

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Yah, the regional boys...

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Yes, just coffee for me, too, please.

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You never know how anything's going to really be received,

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but, yeah, I mean, we just knew how funny the sketches were.

0:16:540:16:59

No matter what, we knew that they were really funny

0:16:590:17:02

and if Wood And Walters was successful, this had to be.

0:17:020:17:05

Have you seen it?

0:17:050:17:07

-Erm...

-Have you seen it on the trolley?

0:17:070:17:10

Just two coffees. No sweet.

0:17:100:17:12

Two coffees. No sweet.

0:17:120:17:13

That's it. What was I...? The Isle of Wight.

0:17:130:17:15

Have you seen it on the trolley?

0:17:150:17:18

No. Yes, thank you.

0:17:180:17:20

Is it a sorbet?

0:17:200:17:22

Just two coffees, thank you.

0:17:220:17:24

Now, Plymouth...

0:17:240:17:26

Can you point at it?

0:17:260:17:29

There's a degree of surreality in that.

0:17:290:17:31

It's these two worlds which are not meeting one another.

0:17:310:17:34

On paper, that must have looked...

0:17:340:17:37

"I don't know that this is terribly funny. " The moment she does it...

0:17:370:17:40

And if you listen to the lines, there's nothing there really to hang your hat on.

0:17:400:17:45

But it's priceless.

0:17:450:17:46

We just want the old cafe... coffee.

0:17:460:17:49

I'll handle this, Tim, thanks very much.

0:17:490:17:51

-Coffee?

-Coffee.

0:17:510:17:53

Is it on the trolley?

0:17:530:17:55

So many things are in there that I think

0:17:550:17:58

now seem like they've always been done,

0:17:580:18:01

but I don't think you could trace them back past her, you know.

0:18:010:18:05

I think she did relish the telly format and use it.

0:18:050:18:08

Well, I think you'll agree with me that was a lot better than being dead at any rate.

0:18:080:18:13

'Oh, my God, Susie Blake!'

0:18:130:18:15

The TV announcer.

0:18:150:18:17

Now that was a gem.

0:18:170:18:19

And later on we have the British premiere of the rarely-performed

0:18:190:18:22

Spanish opera by Leopoldo Gutierrez, Miseria En Una Lavanderia.

0:18:220:18:27

I'm wasted here really, aren't I?

0:18:270:18:31

I was reading for a different character, in fact.

0:18:310:18:33

I was reading to play Celia Imrie's daughter in Acorn Antiques.

0:18:330:18:37

Then she gave me these monologues.

0:18:370:18:38

Hello, just time for a quick weather check.

0:18:380:18:41

I'm afraid the promised heat wave never arrived.

0:18:410:18:44

I was quite relieved actually because, whenever it's hot,

0:18:440:18:47

a lot of the girls here come to work in sleeveless tops

0:18:470:18:50

and some of them are very overweight and I get quite depressed

0:18:500:18:53

having to look at their enormous arms all day long.

0:18:530:18:56

I started reading one. I couldn't get through them. They were so funny.

0:18:560:18:59

Of course, obesity is a tremendous problem for a lot of people,

0:18:590:19:03

a lot of weak-willed, self-indulgent guzzlers, that is.

0:19:030:19:07

Anyway, the weather.

0:19:070:19:08

# Shock, shock, horror, horror... #

0:19:080:19:10

I've had a lot of very lovely letters asking me where I buy the various

0:19:100:19:14

tops and blouses I wear to the studio day by day.

0:19:140:19:17

Well, obviously I can't reply to you all personally,

0:19:170:19:20

so I'll just take this opportunity to say to those who took the trouble to write in,

0:19:200:19:24

Mind your own business.

0:19:240:19:26

# The female of the species

0:19:260:19:29

# Is more deadly than the male. #

0:19:290:19:31

I think it's just the strain of having someone flapping their hands

0:19:310:19:35

over my shoulder like a demented chicken.

0:19:350:19:38

And now, disestablishmentarianism in Krakatoa, east of Java.

0:19:380:19:44

Do that without chipping your nail varnish!

0:19:440:19:46

'I just looked up and smiled'

0:19:460:19:48

and they started laughing. It was the most wonderful feeling.

0:19:480:19:51

Vic had got it absolutely right...

0:19:510:19:53

this monstrous person.

0:19:530:19:55

It was not hard to do.

0:19:550:19:57

We'd like to apologise to viewers in the north.

0:19:570:19:59

It must be awful for them.

0:19:590:20:01

That's what, about 12 words or something?

0:20:030:20:06

Fabulous. I think it says so much about,

0:20:060:20:11

you know, how we feel, how the media treats us.

0:20:110:20:14

What the south actually thinks of us.

0:20:140:20:16

And yet we can all laugh at it. We can all find that hilarious.

0:20:160:20:19

It's really, really, on so many levels, hilarious and clever.

0:20:190:20:22

# Pretend to be northern

0:20:220:20:26

# Just smile and act dense

0:20:260:20:28

# Just sing something northern

0:20:280:20:30

# It doesn't have to make sense

0:20:300:20:32

# Make a list of northern cliches

0:20:320:20:35

# And you can't go wrong

0:20:350:20:37

# Put in any order

0:20:370:20:39

# You've got a northern song. #

0:20:390:20:41

There was a lot of criticism when the series first came out I remember

0:20:410:20:45

and the northernness of it was one of those.

0:20:450:20:47

# Wigan, a Blackpool tram

0:20:470:20:50

Brass band, butties in your hands

0:20:500:20:52

# Whippets and next-door's man. #

0:20:520:20:53

It was a very unfair criticism because she spoke with the language that she grew up with,

0:20:530:20:58

and she also addressed people in a way that they perhaps had never been addressed before.

0:20:580:21:03

-By the thump, Minnie Colwell, you take the barm cake!

-Oh, leave her be.

0:21:030:21:06

You 'ave a chip on your shoulder that big, Jackson's chippie couldn't come up wi' vinegar.

0:21:060:21:11

Put a pikelet in it, and you might hear summat to your own advantage.

0:21:110:21:15

I don't want to be a professional northerner, but it is hugely important to me

0:21:170:21:21

I am from somewhere and it is somewhere that has its own identity

0:21:210:21:24

and it is somewhere that has a huge percentage of comedians, actually.

0:21:240:21:28

Liverpool and Lancashire has the most, probably.

0:21:280:21:31

That gave her access of course to a whole range of experience

0:21:360:21:39

of life, of accents, of class,

0:21:390:21:42

that added so much colour to the entire picture,

0:21:420:21:46

which had been rather provincial before that.

0:21:460:21:49

Me dad was in the band.

0:21:490:21:50

Will he 'eck as like!

0:21:500:21:51

She manages to touch everybody's life by making observations that

0:21:540:21:58

might come from the north in her, but which are universally applicable.

0:21:580:22:04

Well, can I join?

0:22:140:22:15

Well boys?

0:22:150:22:17

Shall we have a woman in the Associated Fettlers and Warp and Wefter Justice Silver Band?

0:22:170:22:22

No!

0:22:230:22:25

Sorry, love.

0:22:250:22:27

No, fair enough.

0:22:270:22:28

Is she from the north? Yes, she is.

0:22:280:22:31

Is she a northern-style comic?

0:22:310:22:33

No. She's a comedian.

0:22:330:22:35

My mother, like a lot of mothers in the 1950s, used sweets as a reward.

0:22:350:22:38

If you were good, did your jobs, you got your sweets.

0:22:390:22:41

If you did dry-stone walling, you got Maltesers.

0:22:410:22:44

She was just such a breath of fresh air really,

0:22:440:22:47

because it was like, you kinda looked at her and went,

0:22:470:22:50

"Oh, hurrah! Someone normal's on the telly."

0:22:500:22:53

It ended up in a bedroom with a man who owned a DIY shop.

0:22:530:22:56

He ripped off his clothes, said, "What would you like me to do?"

0:22:560:22:59

"Really, I'd like you to insulate the loft and lag the hot-water tank."

0:22:590:23:03

Anybody who might have thought that to be a girl comedian

0:23:030:23:08

you had to be sort of just like Goldie Hawn,

0:23:080:23:12

you had to sort of be dim and blonde and perky...

0:23:120:23:17

Victoria Wood...is blonde actually, and perky, but she's far from dim.

0:23:170:23:23

Ursula Andress was 42. Patricia Hodge was 46.

0:23:230:23:26

Barbara Cartland was 103.

0:23:260:23:29

What am I talking about? Yes, late motherhood.

0:23:290:23:34

She does deal in kind of...

0:23:340:23:37

In real life and the comedy of the absurdity of real life.

0:23:370:23:41

There's nothing in her humour that says, "look how clever I am".

0:23:410:23:46

It's about, "I've spotted this and you've spotted this and we've all spotted this".

0:23:460:23:51

You can't be an observational comic without an observational audience,

0:23:510:23:54

or they wouldn't know what you were talking about.

0:23:540:23:56

You say something and everyone goes, "Ah, I've always thought that."

0:23:560:24:00

I was just the one that said it, that was all.

0:24:000:24:02

Do you know, I've scoured this store from top to bottom.

0:24:020:24:05

Can I find a side-winding thermal body belt? Can I...

0:24:050:24:09

What did you want one for?

0:24:090:24:10

Excuse me. I think you'll find there's Spam on that.

0:24:100:24:13

Nobody writes sketches like her.

0:24:150:24:17

Because in that short space of time you really get who the person is

0:24:170:24:21

and what is being said about them, and people recognise them instantly.

0:24:210:24:25

-That gippy kidney.

-Flared up?

0:24:250:24:27

Ooh, I'll say. It's like being continually poked.

0:24:270:24:31

-Can you imagine that?

-No.

0:24:310:24:34

This is somebody who writes, who does her own shopping.

0:24:340:24:38

Oh, this is ridiculous!

0:24:380:24:39

Can I crash by? I'm a diabetic.

0:24:390:24:42

There's no exclusivity to her humour.

0:24:450:24:48

But it's not dumbed down either.

0:24:480:24:50

There's a real gift

0:24:500:24:53

to reaching out to everyone.

0:24:530:24:55

A small mineral water and an orange squash please.

0:24:550:24:57

Water and squash down the end by the trays. Tea, coffee?

0:24:570:25:00

You've a look of Eva Braun, did you know?

0:25:000:25:03

It's something that politicians would kill for.

0:25:040:25:06

-What about those Dublin prawns?

-Never touch prawns. Do you know,

0:25:060:25:10

they hang around sewage outlet pipes,

0:25:100:25:12

treading water with their mouths open.

0:25:120:25:14

They love it!

0:25:160:25:17

Aren't prawns an aphrodisiac?

0:25:170:25:19

I wouldn't put it past them.

0:25:190:25:21

Those ones where it was her and Victoria, with Julie Walters,

0:25:210:25:25

when they're just the pair of them in various situations,

0:25:250:25:28

that's when there's such a magic.

0:25:280:25:31

Our Christmas pudding is down there somewhere,

0:25:330:25:36

and you can be sure we shall dig till we get it.

0:25:360:25:39

And if I find my husband as well, that's all to the good.

0:25:390:25:42

How about you, Mum?

0:25:420:25:45

Is Hitler's nightly bombardment getting you down?

0:25:450:25:47

No! The blackout, rationing and being in daily danger of death

0:25:470:25:51

have been a real tonic to me.

0:25:510:25:53

Victoria and Julie make a terrific double act.

0:25:530:25:56

By God!

0:25:560:25:58

If her bum were a bungalow, she'd never gerra mortgage on it.

0:25:580:26:02

She's let it drop.

0:26:040:26:06

I'll say. Never mind knickers.

0:26:060:26:08

She needs a safety net.

0:26:080:26:10

Julie is such a comedian that Victoria gets a chance to play the straight man.

0:26:100:26:14

You can pick up a lot of extra laughs as a straight man.

0:26:140:26:16

-You have to clench those buttocks.

-Do yer?

0:26:160:26:20

She'll never ger hers clenched.

0:26:200:26:23

It'd take two big lads and a wheelbarra'.

0:26:240:26:28

There is no doubt that Julie brings something really special to Victoria's work

0:26:280:26:32

and Victoria writes something really special for Julie to do.

0:26:320:26:35

They understand each other. They just have an amazing chemistry.

0:26:350:26:41

No, sorry, sorry.

0:26:490:26:50

The black ones. They're a flat lace-up.

0:26:500:26:53

Beg pardon?

0:26:530:26:54

Well, those aren't flat.

0:26:540:26:55

Flatter now.

0:26:590:27:01

Victoria is somehow Captain Sensible

0:27:020:27:05

compared to...mad Walters.

0:27:050:27:08

They're in the window.

0:27:080:27:11

Are they?!

0:27:110:27:12

We think we've got hens in the skirting board.

0:27:180:27:22

There's hens in the skirting board!

0:27:220:27:25

Yes. That is...

0:27:250:27:27

I can't imagine how that...

0:27:270:27:29

If you're writing a shoe-shop sketch,

0:27:290:27:31

it pings into your head, "I'll say that she says there's hens in the skirting board."

0:27:310:27:37

She knows what Julie's capable of.

0:27:370:27:39

She has complete respect for her and the same is true of Julie.

0:27:390:27:43

She knows that whatever Vic writes it'll be wonderful to perform,

0:27:430:27:48

great fun and just clever and good.

0:27:480:27:52

You've been looking at double-glazing?

0:27:520:27:55

Cheap double-glazing, Joan.

0:27:550:27:56

-With emphasis on the cheap rather than the glazing?

-Absolutely. So...

0:27:560:28:00

So in effect, we don't have to spend £3,000 or £4,000 or £5,000 keeping our homes draft free.

0:28:000:28:05

-No, so...

-So how do we go about it?

0:28:050:28:08

I'm sorry. Could you just move away.

0:28:080:28:10

Your breath smells.

0:28:100:28:11

All good, sort of, comedy duos have this telepathy. It just works.

0:28:130:28:18

And that's the magic in it, really.

0:28:180:28:20

It doesn't do sometimes to be too over-analytical about why something works.

0:28:200:28:24

It's just lovely to accept it and say, "It does, doesn't it?"

0:28:240:28:28

This is the highlight of the holiday as far as I'm concerned.

0:28:290:28:32

A two-day course in simple mountaineering.

0:28:320:28:34

It's a marvellous way for single people to get to know one another,

0:28:340:28:38

because in a life and death situation like this

0:28:380:28:40

you're totally dependent on your climbing partner.

0:28:400:28:43

Margery, I'm coming up!

0:28:430:28:44

OK.

0:28:440:28:46

If Margery were to let her concentration lapse for just one second, I could literally...

0:28:460:28:52

Well...

0:28:550:28:57

-That's it. Happy holidays.

-Bye.

0:28:590:29:01

There's a connection.

0:29:010:29:03

It seems there's always like arrows through their hearts, because,

0:29:030:29:08

whether it's being absolutely over the top, side-splitting comedy

0:29:080:29:16

or the most unbearable, heartbreaking tragedy,

0:29:160:29:21

they seem to have an understanding,

0:29:210:29:24

both of them, of what's required of the other.

0:29:240:29:27

The same things made us laugh.

0:29:270:29:29

The same people made us laugh.

0:29:290:29:31

And so there was already a kind of...

0:29:310:29:34

There were shortcuts all the time with us

0:29:340:29:36

and we made one another laugh.

0:29:360:29:39

And, yeah, we just got on.

0:29:390:29:42

The fact that we were together in '78

0:29:440:29:46

and that was such a seminal year for me,

0:29:460:29:48

and this year when we'd finished filming the special

0:29:480:29:52

and we went over to see Talent,

0:29:520:29:54

which was my first play that she and I did on the television.

0:29:540:29:57

We went to see it... It just had the theatre production in London.

0:29:570:30:01

And to have been filming with her that day

0:30:010:30:04

and to be sitting watching that play with her, with two girls

0:30:040:30:08

playing our parts, you know, two girls of 25.

0:30:080:30:11

And it felt really special.

0:30:110:30:13

I felt really fortunate that we had worked all that time.

0:30:130:30:16

And she's had an absolutely brilliant career.

0:30:160:30:19

And I just felt, you know,

0:30:190:30:21

it was just a lucky thing that we were friends all that time.

0:30:210:30:24

Lady with the split ends, can I have your question?

0:30:240:30:27

Who are you anyway?

0:30:270:30:28

Shouldn't you be with the people from Guildford? I recognise you now.

0:30:280:30:31

Thought I got a whiff of Napisan coming across.

0:30:310:30:34

Yes, my friend's here.

0:30:350:30:38

Yes, Miss Julie Walters. Star of Educating Rita, Typhoo One Cup.

0:30:380:30:42

She does have to go and work with other people, obviously.

0:30:450:30:48

But, you know, I hope that we'll always do something at some point.

0:30:480:30:52

That's up to her though, you see. Cos she writes it.

0:30:520:30:55

It's no wonder this place is empty.

0:30:550:30:57

It came as one page.

0:30:570:30:58

I saw it very clearly.

0:30:580:31:00

I knew how far it had to be between the kitchen door and the table.

0:31:000:31:05

I knew that was the nub of the gag.

0:31:050:31:08

And on paper, it looked a very, very ordinary...

0:31:080:31:12

funny, but ordinary... sketch.

0:31:120:31:15

We thought, "Will it work?" It made us laugh cos it went on and on and on.

0:31:150:31:18

That was the gist of the joke really.

0:31:180:31:21

Then we did the tech run and the crew just...

0:31:210:31:25

Well...

0:31:270:31:28

If you watch very carefully, you can see me biting my lip.

0:31:280:31:31

Just knew it was a very special sketch.

0:31:310:31:34

It makes me laugh.

0:31:340:31:35

I don't watch my sketches, but I watch that cos I'm not in that one.

0:31:350:31:38

The classic soup line, you know.

0:31:380:31:40

Two soups, please.

0:31:400:31:41

Two soups is just...

0:31:410:31:42

-Two soups.

-That's two soups.

0:31:420:31:44

Quite brilliant.

0:31:440:31:45

And it does make me roar. I love watching it.

0:31:450:31:48

Ready to order, sir?

0:32:020:32:04

Madam?

0:32:050:32:06

-Jane?

-Er, yes.

0:32:060:32:07

What's the soup of the day, please?

0:32:070:32:10

I'll just go and find out.

0:32:100:32:11

-What time's your train?

-25 to.

0:32:200:32:22

Oh! Well, that's not too bad.

0:32:220:32:24

Ready to order, sir?

0:32:480:32:51

It came from two things. One, lunch with Julie in a hotel in Morecambe.

0:32:510:32:54

There was a very ancient waitress, but nothing funny happened. She was just an ancient waitress.

0:32:540:32:59

Then I was in another hotel and saw two people getting very agitated

0:32:590:33:03

cos they couldn't get hold of the waitress and she didn't bring the thing they wanted.

0:33:030:33:07

Those two things lodged in my head and turned into a sketch.

0:33:070:33:10

We'll have two soups.

0:33:100:33:12

Two soups.

0:33:120:33:14

One...

0:33:230:33:25

..soup.

0:33:270:33:28

And...

0:33:300:33:31

another...

0:33:330:33:34

..soup.

0:33:360:33:37

Along with, you know, the parrot sketch on Monty Python,

0:33:370:33:40

what have you, Two Soups is a real comedy classic. I adore that.

0:33:400:33:44

Two soups.

0:34:110:34:12

I don't believe this.

0:34:150:34:17

These are empty.

0:34:170:34:18

Waitress!

0:34:180:34:20

Oh, God preserve us!

0:34:220:34:24

Look, we'll have to go.

0:34:240:34:25

Oh, you must have been quite peckish.

0:34:300:34:34

If ever I have soup... "Oh yeah! Will it be two?" "No! I just want one."

0:34:350:34:39

When I was rehearsing Acorn Antiques, The Musical,

0:34:390:34:43

I was at the counter of the cafeteria in the rehearsal room with Sir Trevor Nunn

0:34:430:34:47

who blithely ordered two soups then everybody round him burst out laughing.

0:34:470:34:51

He had no idea what they were laughing at.

0:34:510:34:53

Hope you enjoyed your meal, sir.

0:34:540:34:56

No tip.

0:34:590:35:01

Bastards!

0:35:010:35:02

I think Victoria is supremely good at sort of

0:35:040:35:08

puncturing the pomposity of any characters that...

0:35:080:35:12

Kitty, for instance, was a perfect example of that.

0:35:120:35:15

This wasn't my idea.

0:35:190:35:20

In fact, had it been up to me,

0:35:200:35:21

I'd have been on me second cream sherry in Kidderminster by now.

0:35:210:35:25

Pomposity must always be pricked.

0:35:250:35:27

And she does that in lovely, lovely style.

0:35:270:35:29

First day I met her she said...

0:35:310:35:33

She said, "I'm a radical feminist lesbian."

0:35:350:35:37

I thought, "What would the Queen Mum do?"

0:35:370:35:39

Kitty was just so cleverly written.

0:35:420:35:44

Cos on very many levels that was a good attack on women

0:35:440:35:49

who are just a bit too full of their own air.

0:35:490:35:53

And I think she's a genius when it comes to that kind of writing.

0:35:530:35:58

How's this for a sentence?

0:35:580:36:00

"I shall wait to see myself on TV before I do any more.

0:36:000:36:03

Fortunately, I've just had my TV mended."

0:36:030:36:06

Well, I say "mended". A shifty looking youth in plimsolls came

0:36:060:36:09

and waggled me aerial and wolfed my Gypsy Creams.

0:36:090:36:11

But that's the comprehensive system for you.

0:36:110:36:13

Provincial snobbery and la-di-da snobbery.

0:36:130:36:17

All the variations of that are things that she punctures relentlessly.

0:36:170:36:21

So posh people tend to get a bit more of a drubbing,

0:36:210:36:24

but they can take it.

0:36:240:36:25

How do you like it in the country?

0:36:250:36:27

-Very much.

-Not too quiet?

0:36:270:36:28

No. There's always something going on.

0:36:280:36:31

See those big brown things outside the window.

0:36:310:36:33

-Trees?

-That's it.

0:36:330:36:35

Round about April they all get sort of green sort of leafy things on.

0:36:350:36:38

Then round about the end of October they all drop off. It's riveting.

0:36:380:36:42

A lot of comedy nowadays and a lot of comedians are quiet aggressive,

0:36:420:36:46

quite abrasive and Victoria isn't.

0:36:460:36:49

She's observational.

0:36:490:36:50

She can poke fun at things you do yourself,

0:36:500:36:53

but you don't feel that she's being remotely cruel,

0:36:530:36:56

even though a lot of what she does is quite barbed.

0:36:560:36:59

It must be nice to be part of a community.

0:36:590:37:01

Oh, it is. Everyone's so friendly. I cut my leg last month on a mantrap that someone had left out.

0:37:010:37:07

It's a beautifully crafted piece of farm machinery.

0:37:070:37:09

If you ever get the chance, pop your leg in one.

0:37:090:37:12

I was just staggering along the road, bleeding fairly profusely,

0:37:120:37:15

and a tractor came by. I called out, "Is this the way to the hospital?"

0:37:150:37:19

He said, "No, the other direction." You know.

0:37:190:37:21

I don't think Victoria has ever lost what she originally had as a writer.

0:37:240:37:29

What she had done is develop, to the extent that it's sometimes hard to see back to the centre.

0:37:290:37:34

There's this central palace of Victoria's talent

0:37:340:37:37

and she keeps on adding more outbuildings.

0:37:370:37:39

And so the whole complex gets harder to analyse.

0:37:390:37:42

But holding it all together is the ear.

0:37:420:37:46

She can hear everything. She can hear us now.

0:37:460:37:50

I've been putting off this confrontation with you, Petrina, which is not like me.

0:37:500:37:54

-Have you heard the expression "procrastination is the theft of time"?

-Not really.

0:37:540:37:59

No!

0:37:590:38:01

This is you, Petrina. You're not cultured.

0:38:010:38:04

I was humming Vivaldi before I had my first slingbacks.

0:38:040:38:08

The thing about Vic's writing is...

0:38:080:38:11

I'm sure she would be OK for me to say this.

0:38:110:38:15

It's almost like music,

0:38:150:38:18

and every note must be sung.

0:38:180:38:21

Do you know Vivaldi?

0:38:210:38:22

Ain't he the Four Seasons?

0:38:220:38:23

Well, I prefer to think of them in the original,

0:38:230:38:27

the Quattro Formaggi.

0:38:270:38:29

It's as if she keeps flipping you

0:38:320:38:35

from word to word and laugh to laugh.

0:38:350:38:37

And I think that's part of the joy of it,

0:38:370:38:41

because nowadays you get so little really good use of the English language.

0:38:410:38:46

I don't like upsetting people.

0:38:460:38:48

Like the woman who brought back the cerise batwing.

0:38:480:38:52

I didn't like playing on her paranoia

0:38:520:38:54

and taking advantage of her physical defects,

0:38:540:38:57

but if someone has body odour that could strip pine, they should be told.

0:38:570:39:02

It always seems to me that it's kind of incredibly well thought through.

0:39:020:39:07

It's not that she's just gone, "Oh, that'll do.

0:39:070:39:09

That custard cream will do." Or, you know, "That Garibaldi will do."

0:39:090:39:14

It's got to be a Gypsy Cream or whatever it is.

0:39:140:39:17

Only last night my husband said to me,

0:39:170:39:19

"Sandra, where is the laughing fairy

0:39:190:39:24

"that could crochet a crinoline, lady toilet-roll cover

0:39:240:39:28

"whilst imitating Kiri Te Kanawa?"

0:39:280:39:30

You're trying to deliver the best thing to the audience,

0:39:320:39:35

so why would you not try as hard as you can?

0:39:350:39:38

Why would you not sit and chew your pencil

0:39:380:39:41

and look out at your bird feeder and think,

0:39:410:39:43

"What is the very w...? What is the word? There is a word?

0:39:430:39:46

One word will be funny. One word won't be funny. "

0:39:460:39:49

And that's what I'll do

0:39:490:39:50

to try and make it good for people who have paid their licence fee

0:39:500:39:54

or paid to sit in the theatre

0:39:540:39:55

or paid to come and watch me tell a joke. I want it to be right.

0:39:550:39:59

Oh! I think of myself at your age.

0:39:590:40:02

I was a sponge for culture.

0:40:020:40:04

Folk dancing one minute, fingering a Henry Moore the next.

0:40:040:40:08

Your whole attitude is a baffler, Petrina.

0:40:080:40:12

Though why anyone would want to buy an angora roll neck

0:40:120:40:14

from someone whose nipples aren't even level, I don't know!

0:40:140:40:18

Some words are funny and some words aren't funny, and some words,

0:40:190:40:23

like "custard cream", have been devalued over the years.

0:40:230:40:26

I blame myself for that, cos I think it was me

0:40:260:40:29

that first landed on custard cream as being a hilarious biscuit name.

0:40:290:40:32

But my other wish is that I don't fall into biscuit territory

0:40:320:40:36

and I don't fall into just making jokes about custard creams and Vimto and Horlicks.

0:40:360:40:41

I'm always trying to change what I do and make it different.

0:40:410:40:45

Hello, Mrs O. How's widowhood treating you?

0:40:450:40:47

One mustn't grumble.

0:40:470:40:48

I sometimes think being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the pill.

0:40:480:40:53

Still the same Mrs O!

0:40:530:40:54

I was doing Pirates Of Penzance in Manchester

0:40:540:40:58

and we used to obsessively go home after the show

0:40:580:41:01

and watch the series on video.

0:41:010:41:03

And we then had a competition to see who could get in a line from one of the sketches,

0:41:030:41:07

that we used to repeat all the time, into the show on stage.

0:41:070:41:11

And I actually won the competition

0:41:110:41:14

when I finished the Pirates Of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan by saying,

0:41:140:41:19

"I think it's time for tonic wine and spongy fingers, and a delicious homemade bhaji."

0:41:190:41:24

This calls for some tonic wine and a spongy finger.

0:41:240:41:28

Yes, Mrs O. I should jolly well think it does.

0:41:280:41:31

Spongy fingers are funny. How did she know that?

0:41:310:41:34

-I thought Acorn Antiques was hilarious.

-I love it.

0:41:400:41:43

It was so Crossroads, weren't it?

0:41:430:41:45

I love it so much.

0:41:450:41:47

Yes, that's much better.

0:41:480:41:52

Never fails to make me smile.

0:41:530:41:54

See? I smile talking about it.

0:41:540:41:56

Ooh, that sounds like the postman.

0:41:560:41:59

That looks like an important letter.

0:41:590:42:01

What you see is...take six. I don't think they managed a proper take.

0:42:040:42:07

Here we are then.

0:42:070:42:09

Well, it is quite...

0:42:090:42:12

When I think about it, I think of really great lines like,

0:42:120:42:15

"Oh, Mrs Overall, I could smell your onion bhajis a mile off."

0:42:150:42:18

I used to show everything to my husband then and I showed him that

0:42:290:42:33

and he said, "That's the only thing I don't quite get."

0:42:330:42:36

I said, "Trust me. I know this will work."

0:42:360:42:38

Hello, Mrs O. I thought I'd bring my own coffee cup down today.

0:42:380:42:41

You know, it still tastes a little bit odd.

0:42:410:42:44

What sort of a little bit odd?

0:42:440:42:46

Oh, I don't know. Almost as if someone was trying to kill me.

0:42:460:42:49

Oh! Babby, you are an old silly billy.

0:42:490:42:54

-Get back!

-Well, you see, I am the majority shareholder in Acorn Antiques since Berta's amnesia.

0:42:540:42:59

If I were to die, that would certainly suit Cousin Jerez.

0:42:590:43:02

I was in a soap opera in Scotland many years ago

0:43:020:43:05

called Take The High Road and so the whole wobbly set thing...

0:43:050:43:08

I've been there.

0:43:080:43:10

Whatever was that terrible bang?

0:43:100:43:13

Cousin Jerez slamming the door.

0:43:130:43:15

The Spaniards may have enormous onions,

0:43:150:43:18

but their manners leave a lot to be desired.

0:43:180:43:20

I was asked to play this really naff actress in a really ghastly soap.

0:43:200:43:27

And I thought,

0:43:270:43:28

"I think this is what she thinks I really am...

0:43:280:43:31

"some terrible sort of rep actress who's hopeless."

0:43:310:43:34

No! I mean, Celia... That is a brilliant performance,

0:43:340:43:39

and it's because she plays it so straight that it is funny.

0:43:390:43:43

Babs and Miss Berta, could I have a word?

0:43:430:43:45

Well, if it's to ask me for another job for my untrustworthy cousin, Jerez, then the answer's no.

0:43:450:43:52

This last little escapade cost me £32,

0:43:520:43:56

not to mention apologising to every Asian grocer between here and Manchester.

0:43:560:44:01

No, it's not that.

0:44:010:44:02

A lot of the sublime comedy in Acorn Antiques depends on the way it's shot.

0:44:020:44:08

The camera angles have to be exactly right if you're trying to prove that they're wrong, for example.

0:44:080:44:13

Everything is mistimed and that takes timing.

0:44:130:44:16

Well, I know Miss Babs. Is she getting a bit fractious?

0:44:180:44:22

I promised I'd pop up and read them a bit of Simone de Beauvoir.

0:44:220:44:26

Yes, do clear away, Mrs O.

0:44:260:44:28

In fact, you may as well clear away the whole darn shop.

0:44:280:44:31

I do remember the cameramen thinking the sketch show

0:44:310:44:35

was really polished and good,

0:44:350:44:37

but what's suddenly happened now when they're all going wrong?

0:44:370:44:41

My life seems completely grey, bleak and pointless.

0:44:410:44:45

Well, yes, sometimes that's God's way of getting you to enjoy Gardeners' World.

0:44:450:44:50

We never did it in front of the audience because

0:44:570:44:59

when a person stands up, the natural tendency of a cameraman

0:44:590:45:03

is to go up with the person, and you can't stop them doing it.

0:45:030:45:08

It's just automatic.

0:45:080:45:10

Who's the sole beneficiary now?

0:45:100:45:12

That's the problem.

0:45:120:45:15

We met in the blackout in 1943.

0:45:150:45:18

There was a young stage designer, who I remember,

0:45:180:45:21

just as we were about to start,

0:45:210:45:23

ran through the shop and stopped the psych that was...

0:45:230:45:26

The whole street was going...

0:45:260:45:28

Gently actually. You know, moving.

0:45:280:45:31

And she didn't understand that that was supposed to happen.

0:45:310:45:35

Which is very darling. But what do you say?

0:45:350:45:38

How do you say in the English,

0:45:380:45:41

"to marry you"?

0:45:410:45:43

Well, that's not quite the correct jargon, but I do get your drift.

0:45:430:45:47

I'm sorry, Jerez, it's not possible.

0:45:470:45:49

Oh! Agh!

0:45:490:45:50

What are you saying to me?

0:45:540:45:57

Once they realised what it was, people just went mad about it.

0:45:570:46:02

Oh, Mrs O! Can't you see we're busy?

0:46:020:46:05

But this is important.

0:46:050:46:07

This is important.

0:46:070:46:09

Yes. "THIS is important." I said that, didn't I?"

0:46:090:46:12

People loved it and loads of letters...

0:46:120:46:15

Yeah, and someone said there was a Mrs Overall fan club and things like that.

0:46:150:46:20

I think mainly gay men.

0:46:200:46:21

I'm grey now, Mr Clifford,

0:46:210:46:24

very grey indeed.

0:46:240:46:26

Right up until 1947, my hair was red,

0:46:280:46:32

as red as a London bus.

0:46:320:46:35

I wasn't aware that it was being played in gay clubs and things like that.

0:46:370:46:41

I didn't really twig that at all, cos I didn't go to gay men's clubs then,

0:46:410:46:46

or now actually.

0:46:460:46:48

I went to Heaven, which was the most extraordinary experience,

0:46:480:46:52

and Mrs Overall was playing in massive...

0:46:520:46:55

Sort of projected on to the wall.

0:46:550:46:57

She's choking on her own macaroon!

0:47:000:47:02

Get the family doctor!

0:47:020:47:04

I didn't like to bother Mr Kenneth. He was having his breakfast.

0:47:070:47:11

What was it, muesli?

0:47:110:47:14

'Twas it muesli?

0:47:140:47:15

You absolutely believed that this woman in her mid-30s,

0:47:150:47:19

as she must have been then, was that old woman.

0:47:190:47:23

The lumpy tights and...

0:47:230:47:26

There's an episode where she started up a health and sauna thing.

0:47:270:47:33

Enjoy your swim.

0:47:350:47:37

Just leave your antiques in the cubicle. They'll be perfectly safe.

0:47:370:47:41

Crossroads had decided it had a leisure centre.

0:47:410:47:43

It was a motel, but suddenly it had a leisure centre and a lake.

0:47:430:47:47

Whenever Crossroads went into some mad fantasy world, I'd do it in Acorn Antiques.

0:47:470:47:51

-Berta! Feel better for your run?

-I certainly do! Running does keep you fit and could be

0:47:510:47:55

a considerable contributory factor in reducing heart disease.

0:47:550:47:59

Oh, the leotard, yeah.

0:47:590:48:01

That was a time when people did laugh.

0:48:010:48:03

Vic and I said... She said, "Don't let them see it until you go in."

0:48:030:48:08

Because it was awful

0:48:080:48:10

and it was a terrible sagging gusset and a sweatband.

0:48:100:48:13

We knew, because we'd seen in the wardrobe

0:48:130:48:17

that Julie was going to wear a lime-green leotard.

0:48:170:48:20

It's fine if you see it hanging up.

0:48:200:48:22

It's not fine if Julie then suddenly stumbles on to the set

0:48:220:48:27

with her, you know, tights bulging with varicose veins.

0:48:270:48:32

It was the concertina in the crotch area

0:48:320:48:36

that still makes me laugh to this day.

0:48:360:48:39

Here we are.

0:48:410:48:42

A nice tray of decaffeinated coffee,

0:48:420:48:46

low-fat milk and sugar-free sugar.

0:48:460:48:48

Goodness, how healthy.

0:48:480:48:49

Oh, I enjoyed myself.

0:48:490:48:51

How was the aerobics class?

0:48:510:48:52

Oh, I enjoyed myself.

0:48:520:48:54

And of course the fatal thing was that Victoria, Duncan and I

0:48:540:48:57

were sitting altogether on a two-seater sofa, which is fatal,

0:48:570:49:02

because if one person went, you could feel the other person next door.

0:49:020:49:06

We got into terrible trouble actually.

0:49:060:49:08

It was like laughing in church.

0:49:080:49:10

A supportive brassiere to prevent chaffing

0:49:120:49:15

and plenty of individual attention from a qualified instructor.

0:49:150:49:19

It sounds ideal.

0:49:190:49:20

It was only the exercises I didn't take to.

0:49:200:49:24

I can remember Geoff Posner shouting from the studio, "Tell them to stop laughing."

0:49:240:49:28

How many people tune in every evening to hear that oh so familiar music?

0:49:340:49:39

About 54.

0:49:390:49:41

But what goes on behind the scenes? What don't the public see?

0:49:410:49:45

It was a lovely vessel to be able to kind of bridge those two worlds.

0:49:450:49:49

That brilliant subversion of having Julie play the actress playing Mrs Overall as well,

0:49:490:49:53

and that's a whole other character, and that was lovely.

0:49:530:49:56

The first time you've seen that kind of thing done.

0:49:560:49:58

We're both rather gutsy ladies.

0:49:580:50:01

Very determined.

0:50:010:50:02

Strong moral sense.

0:50:020:50:04

We've both had rather difficult lives.

0:50:040:50:08

A certain amount of personal loss.

0:50:080:50:10

And they're both very warm and very giving.

0:50:100:50:13

Bless you for that, my darling.

0:50:130:50:14

She's been this kind of arthritic, crazy, shaky lady making bhajis,

0:50:140:50:20

now developed, in the behind the scenes one, into this goddess.

0:50:200:50:25

So the famous lumpy tights and the varicose veins...

0:50:250:50:28

that's just something that goes on with the make-up, is it?

0:50:280:50:32

It's not boom, boom, kssh!

0:50:330:50:34

There's lines that you just pass over and you're like, what?!

0:50:340:50:37

-Turn to Derek. "That was the immigration authority, Derek."

-Tssh.

0:50:370:50:41

Are you going to do that? Because I'll leave a gap.

0:50:410:50:43

No. It's my tooth again.

0:50:430:50:45

"Are you going to do that? Cos I'll leave a gap."

0:50:450:50:47

And all that kind of thing. It's fantastic.

0:50:470:50:49

-Look at how the press treated poor Yorkie.

-Fergie.

-Fergie.

0:50:490:50:52

Look what they did to poor Yorkie.

0:50:520:50:54

And he goes, "Fergie," and she goes, "Fergie."

0:50:540:50:57

Dear Paul, I'm a huge...

0:50:570:51:00

Huge star.

0:51:000:51:01

"I just said to him, 'I was wearing leather shorts before George Formby had a ukulele.'"

0:51:010:51:07

Mrs Overall, we could smell your bhajis a mile away.

0:51:070:51:11

And ultimately it breeds geekiness, you know.

0:51:110:51:13

So many of things within those As Seen On TVs

0:51:130:51:16

that were kind of forefathers of The Office

0:51:160:51:19

and when she used to do those little mini-documentaries.

0:51:190:51:23

May I ask what you're doing here?

0:51:230:51:25

We've come about the test-tube babies and that.

0:51:250:51:28

We want a test-tube baby.

0:51:280:51:29

Why? Are there problems?

0:51:290:51:31

We've only got a maisonette, so a little tiny test-tube one...

0:51:310:51:34

They grow to a normal size.

0:51:340:51:36

They're conceived in the test tube.

0:51:360:51:38

We'll never both fit in.

0:51:390:51:42

There's just something very different about the tone of it,

0:51:420:51:45

but it was one of the first times it was...

0:51:450:51:48

Well, before The Office she was doing that kind of fly on the wall,

0:51:480:51:51

kind of following someone round, giving them enough rope to hang themselves with.

0:51:510:51:56

'I've got everything else...

0:51:570:51:59

'suede coat, two-speed hammer drill and all I need now is Mr Right.'

0:51:590:52:04

I'm back.

0:52:040:52:05

Pamela Twill is 47.

0:52:050:52:06

She's never been married.

0:52:060:52:08

She's never been engaged.

0:52:080:52:10

She's never been to a bowling alley with anyone called Raymond.

0:52:100:52:13

She pinched the attitude of the producers and the directors.

0:52:130:52:17

They language they spoke in. They portentousness of documentary.

0:52:170:52:20

"This is truth."

0:52:200:52:21

I found Jesus in 1969 while out camping.

0:52:210:52:26

I like to do evangelical work wherever possible,

0:52:260:52:29

telephone-deodorising business permitting.

0:52:290:52:32

Hello, would you like to be friends with Jesus at all?

0:52:320:52:36

-Not really, thank you.

-Thank you very much.

0:52:360:52:38

I think that a lot of what of Victoria does,

0:52:400:52:44

I mean, does have a sort of tinge of tragedy and sadness about it.

0:52:440:52:49

But I think that's because actually very funny comedy is actually appalling sad at the same time.

0:52:490:52:56

Two eggs and a bit of plain flour.

0:52:560:52:58

Bit of comedy. Ooh, bit of tragedy.

0:52:580:53:00

You just follow your instinct and follow your story and put your characters together

0:53:000:53:05

and if they're rounded characters they're going to have at least two strands in them.

0:53:050:53:10

-That's nice.

-Yeah, it's nice, is that.

0:53:100:53:13

Oh, that's nice.

0:53:150:53:16

That's very nice.

0:53:160:53:18

Now that is nice.

0:53:200:53:22

Yes, it is nice that, you're right.

0:53:220:53:25

There is pathos in it. The pathos of the passing of time.

0:53:250:53:28

The pathos of the thwarting of achievement. It's all in here.

0:53:280:53:31

She never forgets what she might have been

0:53:310:53:35

if she had not been talented and that's the secret of great talent.

0:53:350:53:38

I'm suppose I'm aware of the people who don't have chances in life.

0:53:380:53:43

Who are stuck, maybe, in a situation.

0:53:430:53:47

Those are the things that I always want to put into my work as well, as well as the comedy.

0:53:470:53:52

Chrissy is 20.

0:53:520:53:54

She's a champion long-distance swimmer.

0:53:540:53:57

In three weeks' time, if the tides and the weather are right,

0:53:570:54:00

Chrissy plans to swim the Channel.

0:54:000:54:02

The Swim The Channel one is heartbreaking as well as being achingly funny.

0:54:020:54:07

But it must have had an impact on what I was going to do later on.

0:54:070:54:11

Where it's OK to be sad within.

0:54:110:54:14

My coach is Mrs Hannigan.

0:54:140:54:17

I don't know where Mr Hannigan's got to.

0:54:170:54:18

Push with those hands! Push!

0:54:180:54:21

She's good, cos when you get really tired and want to stop, she keeps you going.

0:54:210:54:26

Completely unforgettable, you know, and hilarious.

0:54:280:54:31

Hilarious and sad at the same time, that's hard to pull that off.

0:54:310:54:35

-Night, Dad.

-Night, dear.

0:54:350:54:37

It's the night before your daughter swims the Channel. Any misgivings?

0:54:370:54:40

I don't think so. Have we, Cliff?

0:54:400:54:43

No. No, she's as strong as an ox.

0:54:430:54:45

You'll be in the back-up boat, presumably?

0:54:450:54:48

Well, no, actually Joan and I are popping down to London for the day.

0:54:480:54:51

You know, sort of day out shopping.

0:54:510:54:53

The girl swimming the Channel

0:54:530:54:56

broke your heart.

0:54:560:54:57

Are you worried about tomorrow?

0:54:570:54:59

Well, I am in away because, er, I've never swum such a long way

0:54:590:55:03

and some of it's in the dark and I don't really like the dark.

0:55:030:55:07

And if I do get to French coast, I don't talk French very well, so...

0:55:070:55:12

I don't do French. I do woodwork.

0:55:120:55:15

But I know a few bits.

0:55:150:55:17

"Bonjour" and "aujourd'hui".

0:55:170:55:20

Do you think you'll make it?

0:55:200:55:22

I don't know. I'll do double prayers tonight anyway.

0:55:220:55:26

Well, I haven't seen it since it was on, but I do remember it is a bit sad.

0:55:290:55:33

There's no support vessel, no officials, nobody.

0:55:330:55:35

Chrissy's entirely alone. Are you still going to go, Chrissy?

0:55:350:55:39

Yeah, I think so. I might as well.

0:55:390:55:40

My friend, Maria, is in Kidderminster today so I haven't got anybody to play with anyway.

0:55:400:55:46

What about food and drink?

0:55:460:55:47

Well, I've got a sandwich box, so I'll think they'll stay dry,

0:55:470:55:50

and I've got some little milkshakes in cartons.

0:55:500:55:53

I think they'll be all right.

0:55:530:55:55

I can put me duffle bag round me neck like this.

0:55:550:55:57

Well, what about finding the French coast?

0:55:570:56:00

I think I'll find it all right, thank you.

0:56:000:56:02

I came fourth in geography. 81%.

0:56:020:56:05

-What time is it?

-Er, 7.55.

0:56:050:56:08

Five to eight. Off I go then.

0:56:080:56:10

That was eight days ago and Chrissy hasn't yet reached land.

0:56:150:56:20

No-one seems to know where she is.

0:56:200:56:22

And the sight of her swimming out to sea on her own,

0:56:220:56:24

I think is really, really sad.

0:56:240:56:27

What's sadder, I have to say, is the fact that we broke for lunch

0:56:270:56:31

at that point and somebody was supposed to shout out to her,

0:56:310:56:34

"Victoria, we've broken for lunch."

0:56:340:56:36

And we all ran off to the catering wagon and I said, "Where's Vic?"

0:56:360:56:40

And somebody said, "Oh, God!"

0:56:400:56:42

Nobody said cut. I was in the dark, drifting downstream.

0:56:420:56:46

And somebody went, "Oh, hang on. Cut!"

0:56:460:56:49

Oh, I'm sure she'll turn up eventually.

0:56:500:56:53

Slow but sure, that's our Chrissy.

0:56:530:56:54

Yeah, she's probably just swimming about looking for a nice beach with ice creams and donkeys.

0:56:540:56:59

You know how kids are.

0:56:590:57:01

What I really admired about her in that was that she was prepared

0:57:010:57:06

to look absolutely dreadful for the sake of comedy.

0:57:060:57:10

And I think there are actually very few women that are prepared to do that.

0:57:100:57:14

He said, "Do you wear a bikini?" I said, "Oh, come on."

0:57:140:57:17

I said, "I didn't take my coat off on a beach till I was 37."

0:57:190:57:23

I did feel very insecure about being fat. It really bothered so many people and it bothered me.

0:57:230:57:29

-Can I help you?

-I just wondered if you had these in a 14?

0:57:290:57:33

You what?!

0:57:330:57:35

This is a boutique, not the elephant house.

0:57:350:57:38

Eh, Eileen! We've got another fatso in!

0:57:400:57:42

You know, that was always my label.

0:57:420:57:44

I was fat or plump or overweight.

0:57:440:57:47

It was always mentioned in anything that was ever written about me,

0:57:470:57:50

which I found very distressing.

0:57:500:57:52

I felt ashamed of it, but I couldn't actually get to grips with doing anything about it.

0:57:520:57:57

I don't really suit green.

0:57:570:57:59

I shouldn't think you suit much, do you? A body like that.

0:57:590:58:03

I was going to do a photo shoot with Julie when we did Wood And Walters

0:58:030:58:06

and I remember being in the make-up room with Julie

0:58:060:58:08

and the woman phoned up from the TV Times or whatever it was.

0:58:080:58:11

And she was going to get some lovely clothes. She said, "What are your measurements?"

0:58:110:58:15

So I gave my measurements and she said, "I'll call you back."

0:58:150:58:18

And she put the phone down and about ten minutes later she phoned

0:58:180:58:21

and said, "Oh, Victoria, do you wear kaftans?"

0:58:210:58:23

And that was all she could think of, cos I was just not acceptable,

0:58:230:58:26

cos I wasn't a size ten or 12.

0:58:260:58:28

I didn't fit into anything that she could imagine me wearing. And so I was always being...

0:58:280:58:33

I was treated terribly badly by costume people in those early days.

0:58:330:58:37

# We congratulate you on losing weight

0:58:370:58:41

# Don't get cocky, baby.

0:58:410:58:43

# You're gonna be back next month

0:58:430:58:45

# We'd say six days grace before you stuff your face

0:58:450:58:49

# Don't get cocky, baby

0:58:490:58:51

# You're gonna be back next month. #

0:58:510:58:53

I used to sit as a teenager.

0:58:550:58:57

I had a room with a telly and a piano in it and I just sat in there.

0:58:570:59:00

And I was always imagining myself on a stage,

0:59:000:59:02

but I didn't do that for anybody else. I just did that on my own.

0:59:020:59:05

I think when you are shy there's something very attractive

0:59:070:59:11

about putting yourself in a situation where you're comfortable

0:59:110:59:15

and where you're in charge

0:59:150:59:17

and where you're communicating with people.

0:59:170:59:20

I think shy people often feel that they're not getting across.

0:59:200:59:24

People aren't understanding them,

0:59:240:59:25

cos they don't have the social graces to be able to hold a conversation easily.

0:59:250:59:30

Whereas if you're a stand-up comic, you're completely in charge.

0:59:300:59:33

You've thought of the things to say

0:59:330:59:35

and people have got to sit down and listen to you.

0:59:350:59:38

That's why there are so many social misfits who are now comedians.

0:59:380:59:41

Cos it just works for us.

0:59:410:59:43

Before I'd ever seen Victoria on television

0:59:460:59:50

I bumped into her in the odd hotel with Rowan.

0:59:500:59:54

And here would be this slightly...

0:59:540:59:56

Two nervous Northerners circling each other

0:59:561:00:00

and being vaguely polite and slightly socially dysfunctional.

1:00:001:00:04

And then what's incredible is when you see Victoria out there

1:00:041:00:09

with all this extraordinary confidence and variety and acting,

1:00:091:00:14

and I'm so intrigued by the contrast between who she is in real life

1:00:141:00:19

and then what she can do.

1:00:191:00:21

One of the hardest jobs in this business

1:00:231:00:26

is walking out on to a stage, on your own,

1:00:261:00:28

and to hold an audience night after night

1:00:281:00:31

for two, two and a half, three hours.

1:00:311:00:34

That is the sign of an absolutely extraordinary professional.

1:00:341:00:38

A comedian, you're trying to make people make a noise.

1:00:381:00:41

You know, it's hard. You've got to provoke something in them that they want to go, "Ha ha ha!"

1:00:411:00:46

I had quite a few years where I would just think,

1:00:461:00:49

"They don't get it. I'm not doing it properly.

1:00:491:00:51

"I'm boring. I'm really boring."

1:00:511:00:53

And I found that upsetting.

1:00:531:00:55

I started at the piano, just singing.

1:00:571:01:00

And then I would talk a little bit between the songs and then...

1:01:001:01:04

I stood up, but I would only stand up in the crook of the piano,

1:01:041:01:07

cos that seemed like a protection.

1:01:071:01:09

And then I went to a radio mike, but in my hand, so I had something to hold on to.

1:01:091:01:14

And then, eventually, I ended up, not only with no piano, but with no visible mike.

1:01:141:01:19

Just a radio mike in my hair with nothing.

1:01:191:01:22

But it took me a long time to get that freedom.

1:01:221:01:25

APPLAUSE

1:01:251:01:27

If I knew what made a great stand-up I'd bottle it.

1:01:301:01:33

She has great faith in her own ability.

1:01:331:01:38

Tremendous confidence, which you have to have.

1:01:381:01:42

You have to have when you're stood there doing gags.

1:01:421:01:46

I've never been to casualty before, but I think, "It's all right.

1:01:461:01:49

"I've seen ER on the television."

1:01:491:01:50

I think as soon as I get there, they'll have me on a stretcher.

1:01:501:01:53

They'll run at me. They'll be cutting up the sides of my trousers.

1:01:531:01:56

Cos they do that in ER all the time.

1:01:561:01:57

Even if someone's only looking for the antenatal clinic, "Oh, they're on me!"

1:01:571:02:01

It's an extraordinary thing to see someone stand up there

1:02:011:02:05

in front of all those people and do their stuff.

1:02:051:02:08

It's absolutely terrifying, I imagine.

1:02:081:02:10

I said, "Oh, I've got this really bad pain."

1:02:101:02:13

"Where?" "Well, sort of here."

1:02:131:02:14

She said, "Oh, abdominal. I'll put 'leg', I can't spell abdominal."

1:02:141:02:19

Anyone that can go and sell out the Albert Hall for 15 nights in a row,

1:02:191:02:24

that's gotta be something.

1:02:241:02:27

And I'm next to this really, really mad, rough-looking woman

1:02:271:02:30

with no teeth who's out of her head on something.

1:02:301:02:33

And she keeps looking at me going, "Eh-eh, Pam Ayers! Eh-eh!"

1:02:331:02:38

She still managed to kind of draw everyone in

1:02:381:02:41

and give what I would consider to be kind of quite an intimate,

1:02:411:02:45

sort of friendly performance, which I think is so hard to do in a massive barn like that.

1:02:451:02:51

It is just energy. It's like a force field that you wrap round them and keep them with you.

1:02:511:02:56

And that's why it's quite tiring to do.

1:02:561:02:59

And she's knocking something back out of a bottle, something purple.

1:02:591:03:03

I think probably meths. I'm guessing not Ribena Toothkind.

1:03:031:03:06

I noticed that, when I was at the Albert Hall seeing her live,

1:03:061:03:10

that her appeal went right across the board.

1:03:101:03:14

Youngsters to grandmas.

1:03:141:03:17

And if you've got that appeal, you are winning the battle.

1:03:171:03:20

All comedians want to be liked and it's a way of making friends.

1:03:201:03:25

You make friends that night.

1:03:251:03:27

I mean, I think that's why so many comedians have an entourage because they need to carry on that feeling.

1:03:271:03:33

When they come off stage, they need it to carry on

1:03:331:03:35

and they need to have a drink or they need to take something that keeps that high going.

1:03:351:03:40

It's a big high, but the minute the curtain's down, the lights are off, it's over. It's very sudden.

1:03:401:03:46

You know, wah, they're laughing. Then they're not.

1:03:461:03:48

Comedians often, they do suffer from that dark side.

1:03:481:03:51

There's a melancholia, depression. We seem to split into two groups.

1:03:511:03:54

A lot of comedians suffer from depression. And there's a very jolly bunch of comedians who play golf.

1:03:541:03:59

I'm in the depression side myself, but I think that's better than golf.

1:03:591:04:03

At least with depression you don't have to wear those terrible checked trousers.

1:04:031:04:07

Because of how she comes across as such a lovely, warm person,

1:04:071:04:12

she could pretty much say anything she likes.

1:04:121:04:16

My favourite moment in a theatre ever was a Victoria Wood moment,

1:04:161:04:22

when she talked about her dyslexic boyfriend

1:04:221:04:25

who was very enthusiastic about her vinegar.

1:04:251:04:29

And the fact that a third of the audience got it at first and laughed.

1:04:291:04:34

And then about, literally, ten seconds later,

1:04:341:04:38

another third got it and laughed.

1:04:381:04:41

And the final third didn't like it. So they got it, but they went, "Ugh!"

1:04:411:04:45

Like that. That was the most complicated laughter I've ever heard, I think, in a theatre.

1:04:451:04:50

There's not many I'd say this about,

1:04:501:04:52

I'll follow most of them.

1:04:521:04:54

I'll get on and have a go, bang, and I know I can get in there.

1:04:541:04:58

I wouldn't particularly want to follow her.

1:04:581:05:01

She is one of the...

1:05:011:05:04

You know. Most of the others, yeah. No problem.

1:05:041:05:07

But VW, woo!

1:05:071:05:09

I'll go on before, you dear, and warm them up.

1:05:091:05:12

You know I've been thinking about giving it up.

1:05:131:05:16

You know, being a stand-up comedian.

1:05:161:05:18

I was thinking about stopping doing it.

1:05:181:05:20

No!

1:05:201:05:22

Not tonight. I'll wait till you've gone home.

1:05:221:05:24

I enjoy it loads. Much more than I did.

1:05:241:05:27

I was always so anxious about it.

1:05:271:05:31

But now I'm not.

1:05:311:05:32

I'd never written a sitcom,

1:05:341:05:36

so that was one thing that I felt I ought to have a crack at,

1:05:361:05:40

to see if I could, you know, work out how the form worked.

1:05:401:05:43

Five's got a documentary.

1:05:431:05:46

Frederick Delius, Syphilis-Ridden Genius.

1:05:461:05:50

Oh, I might watch that. Oh, no, I can't. I'm working here, duh!

1:05:501:05:52

-What's that?

-Half past four, a documentary.

1:05:521:05:55

Is it true about the syphilis Delius myth?

1:05:551:05:58

Delia Smith's never got syphilis!

1:05:581:06:01

How dare they? Don't tell me a woman with spotless tea towels would stoop to that kind of infection.

1:06:031:06:09

I wanted to do a workplace comedy,

1:06:091:06:10

cos I didn't want to do a domestic comedy. Cos I didn't like domestics.

1:06:101:06:13

I don't like mother, father, grumpy teenage daughter.

1:06:131:06:16

I don't like all those sitcoms.

1:06:161:06:18

So it was going to be a workplace comedy.

1:06:181:06:20

It was going to be a group of people

1:06:201:06:22

that you only saw in their work setting.

1:06:221:06:24

So everything to find out about them, you could only find out

1:06:241:06:27

from what they said to each other in casual conversation.

1:06:271:06:30

I really think you should be sensitive to a woman's hormonal ebb and flow.

1:06:301:06:34

I am, believe me. Look, I'm not a dinosaur.

1:06:361:06:38

I quite like women in a sad, baffled sort of way.

1:06:381:06:42

But can we please get a grip. Out of a workforce of five,

1:06:421:06:45

at any given moment, one will have premenstrual tension,

1:06:451:06:48

one's panicking cos she's not, someone's having a hot flush

1:06:481:06:51

and someone else is having a nervous breakdown

1:06:511:06:53

cos their HRT patch has fallen in the minestrone.

1:06:531:06:56

That was a one-off!

1:06:561:06:58

You could tell instantly it was obviously a Victoria Wood script

1:07:011:07:05

and she crams so much into her scripts.

1:07:051:07:07

Every episode you could watch two or three times

1:07:071:07:10

before you've realised everything's in it.

1:07:101:07:13

You know, I had a story that went from week to week.

1:07:131:07:15

And I had a lot of characters coming back and forth,

1:07:151:07:18

and made it as complex as I could make it,

1:07:181:07:19

cos I did want people to be able to watch it more than once and still get something from it.

1:07:191:07:24

It looked like they were closing off the flyover. Could be dodgy.

1:07:241:07:27

-Will that matter, no flyover?

-Well, that's our main route in.

1:07:271:07:30

Oh, no!

1:07:301:07:31

One day, something went terribly wrong on the tubes or something.

1:07:311:07:34

Every which way I tried to get in to the Oval,

1:07:341:07:37

where we were rehearsing, I couldn't get there.

1:07:371:07:41

And I really lost my temper.

1:07:411:07:43

Stan, please, tell me what is happening with the traffic?

1:07:431:07:47

Well, Phil Henderson used to be a traffic warden,

1:07:471:07:49

but a mixture of non-stop verbal abuse and bunions made him rethink.

1:07:491:07:53

-Now then...

-That's enough!

1:07:531:07:56

God Almighty!

1:07:561:07:57

I rang her up, saying, "Vic, I can't get there."

1:07:571:08:00

You know, this tirade down the telephone.

1:08:001:08:03

Does every simple query have to come with a side order of spleens and bunions?

1:08:031:08:07

I need to know what's happening with the traffic.

1:08:071:08:11

Next week, I suddenly had this tirade to do for the millennium

1:08:111:08:14

and I thought, "She's very clever."

1:08:141:08:17

I don't need to know the life history of every blasted idiot

1:08:171:08:20

who's ever worked in this stupid, godforsaken factory!

1:08:201:08:23

It's one of my favourite bits.

1:08:271:08:29

This is Maxine Peake, who's not done any acting at all, have you?

1:08:291:08:33

Not even this afternoon you didn't do any.

1:08:331:08:35

I knew that Cheers recorded their final dress rehearsal

1:08:351:08:38

and then they would give notes and they would make changes

1:08:381:08:42

before they did the final evening show.

1:08:421:08:44

And I said to Geoff Posner I would really like to do this,

1:08:441:08:47

because I think until you've done it once in front of an audience,

1:08:471:08:50

you don't really know where the laughs come and where it sits and what you could improve.

1:08:501:08:54

And he said, which was a very clever idea,

1:08:541:08:56

he said, "Let's just do it twice."

1:08:561:08:57

With Dinnerladies, we'd do a show on a Friday night, then we'd have rewrites.

1:08:571:09:02

Rewrites galore on that.

1:09:021:09:03

It was terribly hard work.

1:09:061:09:08

She kept rewriting all the time.

1:09:081:09:10

She'd stay up sometimes till four o'clock in the morning

1:09:101:09:13

and she had two small children then.

1:09:131:09:16

I said, "Did you sleep all right?"

1:09:171:09:19

"No, no. I've been up all night rewriting."

1:09:191:09:21

"Cor, another load of learning!"

1:09:211:09:23

Saturday morning we'd be hoiked in.

1:09:231:09:25

And they'd say, "Gather round for notes and rewrites."

1:09:251:09:29

Thelma and I would look at each other and go, "Oh, God!"

1:09:291:09:32

You just had to keep re-learning.

1:09:321:09:34

And things would be cut and changed.

1:09:341:09:36

Sometimes she would say in the morning, "Oh, that scene isn't working properly.

1:09:361:09:40

"Someone bring me egg and chips and I'll write it again over lunch."

1:09:401:09:44

Ten minutes later, it would come back. "How's that?"

1:09:441:09:46

And it's there. And it's totally from left field.

1:09:461:09:51

You know, something totally different.

1:09:511:09:54

And it was always better than the one she'd written, but you had to learn it all over again!

1:09:541:10:00

Oh, flip! This job is a nightmare.

1:10:001:10:02

Julie and I both thought it was a bit like being on an ice rink.

1:10:021:10:05

"Yeah, when you can't skate."

1:10:051:10:06

I used to take all these things for my nerves,

1:10:081:10:11

like sort of, herbal things, nothing terrible.

1:10:111:10:13

Julie and I were behind the flats

1:10:131:10:15

taking every sort of herbal remedy we could

1:10:151:10:17

to try and keep ourselves together.

1:10:171:10:19

We were all sniffing it before we went on.

1:10:191:10:21

I saw a section of the audience could see us and I thought,

1:10:211:10:23

"I bet they think we're at the amyl nitrate or something."

1:10:231:10:27

God knows what they thought we were doing!

1:10:271:10:30

I know. I know. It was really full on.

1:10:311:10:34

It was really high pressure and some people did find that...

1:10:341:10:37

I understand that that's nerve-racking,

1:10:371:10:39

but we just wanted to make it as good as we could make it.

1:10:391:10:42

I suppose it was quite pressurised,

1:10:421:10:44

but everyone tries to be nice and calm,

1:10:441:10:47

but the person with the most pressure was Victoria.

1:10:471:10:50

What are you doing for Christmas again?

1:10:501:10:52

I told you, I got these three Carry On films for £8.

1:10:521:10:54

You don't get the boxes, there's a stripe down the side of the picture, but...

1:10:541:10:58

Want to come to Scotland with me, Christmas Eve?

1:10:581:11:00

Me mate's got a pub up there.

1:11:001:11:02

We can drive up there after we've finished here.

1:11:021:11:05

Do you want to do that?

1:11:051:11:06

Yeah. Yeah, I would.

1:11:061:11:08

I would like that.

1:11:081:11:09

One of the main things was Victoria Wood and my kiss

1:11:091:11:13

that we had as Tony and Bren.

1:11:131:11:16

Apparently, that was the first time she'd done that sort of thing

1:11:161:11:21

in public on television.

1:11:211:11:22

I'm not asking you for some bet, Bren.

1:11:321:11:35

I wouldn't do that to you.

1:11:371:11:38

I always remember the rest of the cast peeping round the set, you know,

1:11:391:11:43

going, "Ooh!"

1:11:431:11:45

So embarrassing!

1:11:451:11:47

I wasn't bothered about it really.

1:11:501:11:52

It wasn't a big deal.

1:11:521:11:54

It wasn't a big snog or anything.

1:11:541:11:56

What was funny was when we did it, all the audience went, "Wooo!"

1:11:561:12:00

and you can hear them.

1:12:001:12:01

AUDIENCE: Wooo!

1:12:041:12:07

There's only one thing I didn't like about Dinnerladies -

1:12:081:12:12

I was never asked to be in it.

1:12:121:12:14

I'd have given my right hand to have come on as a lorry driver,

1:12:141:12:19

a bin man, anything to be in that.

1:12:191:12:21

Dinnerladies really for me encapsulates

1:12:211:12:25

everything that Victoria's best at.

1:12:251:12:27

It's observational.

1:12:271:12:29

It's character interplay.

1:12:291:12:31

I tell you who's nice that I like.

1:12:311:12:32

-Who's nice that you like, Bren?

-Woody.

-Allen?

1:12:321:12:35

-Woodpecker?

-Who's Alan Woodpecker?

1:12:351:12:37

Great script, great cast.

1:12:401:12:43

By Jove, you've cracked it.

1:12:431:12:45

I couldn't see any of the cast in Dinnerladies

1:12:451:12:48

playing any other part in that show.

1:12:481:12:50

Whoops.

1:12:501:12:51

I didn't realise I was popping in to hunk heaven.

1:12:521:12:55

It's much better if you can write for specific comic people,

1:12:571:13:01

because they take something and they run with it

1:13:011:13:04

and you know what they're going to do with it.

1:13:041:13:06

Has she told you what a terrible mother I am?

1:13:061:13:08

I am terrible. Put her in an orphanage and lost the address.

1:13:081:13:11

Yes.

1:13:111:13:13

Oh, we laugh about it now.

1:13:151:13:17

It was a great atmosphere.

1:13:191:13:21

And because we knew each other, I understood, suddenly I understood,

1:13:211:13:24

why people do work with each other again and again.

1:13:241:13:27

I mean, I once was in a sketch that Vic had written

1:13:271:13:30

and felt strangely uncomfortable about it,

1:13:301:13:34

because I had a kind of confusion in my head

1:13:341:13:38

of learning the lines and having Vic there directing it.

1:13:381:13:43

And I thought, "This is all wrong.

1:13:431:13:45

"This should be Susie Blake or Celia Imrie

1:13:451:13:48

"or one of those really clever women!"

1:13:481:13:51

-Is it Harold who's supposed to have a bit of a party piece?

-Oh!

1:13:511:13:54

All he does is struggle to force the theme tune from Cagney And Lacey out of his...

1:13:541:13:58

Bottom?

1:13:581:13:59

No. Out of his ocarina, I was trying to say.

1:14:021:14:05

Bottom?! How could somebody get a tune out of their bottom?

1:14:061:14:11

There speaks a woman who's never gone camping.

1:14:121:14:14

On the negative side, when I see Duncan Preston in something else, I'm like...

1:14:161:14:19

I thought I was gonna be a proper actor.

1:14:191:14:22

You know, a classical...

1:14:221:14:24

I was. You know, I did Stratford and things like that

1:14:241:14:28

and I never thought for a minute I was any good at sketches,

1:14:281:14:31

and I'm probably right.

1:14:311:14:33

-Good morning, sir.

-Is Mr Dickens at home?

1:14:341:14:38

I think he's writing Dombey And Son, sir, but I'll go and see.

1:14:381:14:41

Are you famous?

1:14:411:14:42

My name is Wilde.

1:14:421:14:44

Oscar Wilde?

1:14:441:14:46

Well, I'm not bleedin' Marty Wilde, am I?

1:14:461:14:49

She's responsible for about 86% of my income over the last 28 years.

1:14:491:14:55

-Good morning.

-Hi there.

1:14:551:14:57

I'm Sally Cumbernauld. This is Martin Crosswaite.

1:14:571:14:59

-How are you?

-Oh, chipping in already!

1:14:591:15:01

LAUGHTER

1:15:011:15:03

I think because of how brilliant she is,

1:15:031:15:06

she's always going to be the Koh-i-Noor

1:15:061:15:08

in the centre of the other jewels.

1:15:081:15:10

But they all just make her shine all the brighter.

1:15:101:15:15

-Better get used to our ugly mugs, cos you're going to see a lot of us.

-Oh, speak for yourself.

1:15:151:15:20

No, I love him.

1:15:201:15:21

There's a shorthand when you work with people

1:15:221:15:24

and you know their working methods and you can just crack on.

1:15:241:15:27

But then it's always really interesting and exciting

1:15:271:15:29

to find new people and work with them and work in a different way.

1:15:291:15:32

Otherwise, you get stuck in quite a cosy rut,

1:15:321:15:34

where you've always got your old pals around you.

1:15:341:15:36

I think that's not good creatively,

1:15:361:15:38

which is why, the last few things I've done,

1:15:381:15:40

I've ducked and dived with the people I've worked with.

1:15:401:15:43

She's very clever. She gets good people around her.

1:15:431:15:46

BOND-STYLE MUSIC

1:15:461:15:49

Except me.

1:15:531:15:55

That was one of her mistakes.

1:15:551:15:56

Do you like Roger the Dodger?

1:16:011:16:03

Or do you prefer Minnie the Minx?

1:16:031:16:05

As actors, you may never have met before

1:16:051:16:08

and you're suddenly thrust into a dressing room

1:16:081:16:10

or into make-up chairs and you sit next to one another

1:16:101:16:13

and you sort of make polite conversation.

1:16:131:16:15

Sometimes I wish I were 15 years younger.

1:16:201:16:22

And sometimes I wish I were ten years older.

1:16:221:16:25

Then I could go to the flicks for two quid.

1:16:251:16:27

She was very easy, very easy.

1:16:281:16:30

I don't mean she was easy in the dressing room. No.

1:16:301:16:33

I mean she was easy to talk to.

1:16:331:16:38

Why don't you come and we'll while away a few of those 15 years.

1:16:381:16:44

She looked fabulous!

1:16:461:16:47

You thought, "Crumbs! How do you turn into Bren in Dinnerladies?"

1:16:471:16:50

-Can I just warn you, Rog, I've got really complicated pants on.

-I see.

1:16:531:16:56

That's one thing I would not have predicted in my career

1:17:001:17:03

that I would end up in a pod on the London Eye with Roger Moore.

1:17:031:17:06

And he was so lovely.

1:17:061:17:07

And he knew his words, which I didn't expect, cos often people...

1:17:071:17:11

Film stars, they don't often bother to learn all...

1:17:111:17:13

He knew the words completely bang on.

1:17:131:17:16

And he was staring down out of the window,

1:17:161:17:19

and there was a pod below us of children

1:17:191:17:21

and he said, "If I wasn't in UNICEF, I would flash those children!"

1:17:211:17:25

It was only a joke.

1:17:261:17:28

Made me laugh anyway.

1:17:281:17:29

She's the most generous and unselfish

1:17:291:17:33

of performers and comediennes.

1:17:331:17:36

She's given nothing but wonderful things to other people to do.

1:17:361:17:40

-You OK, Laura?

-I'm fine.

1:17:461:17:48

I guess I still haven't got used to the smell of men's trousers.

1:17:481:17:52

If you can't sort jumble, get out of the Women's Institute.

1:17:521:17:55

You can watch people that write a comedy,

1:17:551:17:57

they've got all the best lines,

1:17:571:17:58

all the lines that make people scream with laughter.

1:17:581:18:01

But she doesn't do that.

1:18:011:18:02

If the line's going to suit the character that she's made,

1:18:021:18:06

they do the line.

1:18:061:18:07

And I admire her trem... She's unique in that respect.

1:18:071:18:09

1.55!

1:18:091:18:12

It's ten off two now.

1:18:121:18:14

We'll never get the jumble sorted!

1:18:141:18:16

We're not going to make it!

1:18:161:18:18

This is the WI. If you wanna panic, join the Townswomen's Guild.

1:18:191:18:23

Not many people do that. Not many...

1:18:231:18:25

Not many men who had their own TV show would do that.

1:18:251:18:29

No men actually, probably.

1:18:291:18:31

And I think that's, you know...

1:18:311:18:34

That's a very, very unusual thing

1:18:341:18:36

to be that magnanimous and that confident.

1:18:361:18:39

I always try to be quite realistic and pragmatic.

1:18:391:18:42

If there's something I think somebody else will do better,

1:18:421:18:44

I would always give it to them.

1:18:441:18:46

Well?

1:18:461:18:47

Sorry?

1:18:481:18:49

Thanks to your umbilical incompetence,

1:18:511:18:54

I, "sexy yet vulnerable" and I'm quoting from Harpers here,

1:18:541:18:58

I have been exposed on nationwide television

1:18:581:19:02

as having some dubious connection with an overweight northern waitress

1:19:021:19:07

with all the sophisticated allure of an airline salad.

1:19:071:19:10

That is such a little work of genius, isn't it?

1:19:101:19:15

And she gave it to me.

1:19:151:19:16

I'm sorry, if I'd written it, nobody else would be doing it.

1:19:161:19:20

I would be doing it.

1:19:201:19:21

I mean, who needs eight Vietnamese babies

1:19:211:19:23

when you can have a lumpy, old, short-order waitress for one week only?

1:19:231:19:27

Oh, no!

1:19:271:19:29

Milk it for all it's worth this week,

1:19:291:19:31

then I'll go home and she can take a flying...

1:19:311:19:33

Yes, quite.

1:19:331:19:35

At a deep-fat fryer!

1:19:351:19:36

Oh, she's horrendous.

1:19:381:19:40

The perm, the funny voice...

1:19:411:19:44

It's real Tracey Ullman time.

1:19:441:19:46

Yes? I'm talking!

1:19:481:19:50

I think it's hard when you're known for being a comedian

1:19:521:19:57

or your world has been comedy,

1:19:571:19:59

to try and make the leap from that to serious acting.

1:19:591:20:04

And I think Victoria's done that absolutely brilliantly.

1:20:041:20:07

I keep waking up and crying,

1:20:081:20:11

but that's manageable. But...

1:20:111:20:14

Yesterday I went to the...

1:20:141:20:17

To where we used to live and the key wouldn't fit

1:20:191:20:22

and I was just standing in the street.

1:20:221:20:24

And I thought, "Why won't the key fit?"

1:20:241:20:27

And that did bother me, cos I thought, "What if I'm ill again?"

1:20:271:20:31

Should you not go back to Dr Brierley?

1:20:311:20:33

-He was pretty good last time, wasn't he?

-I daren't get the doctor, Cliff.

1:20:331:20:36

You know how Daddy can get when he thinks he's going to be expensive and...

1:20:361:20:41

Anyway, I'm fine.

1:20:441:20:47

And the BAFTA goes to...

1:20:471:20:50

Victoria Wood for Housewife, 49.

1:20:501:20:52

APPLAUSE

1:20:521:20:54

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

1:20:541:20:56

I won a BAFTA for wearing a wig, I think, probably.

1:20:561:21:00

It's really upsetting actually that she can do all of these things

1:21:001:21:03

and write hit West-End musicals and appear in serious dramas.

1:21:031:21:07

And, you know, she's loathsome.

1:21:071:21:09

It's just really got on my nerves.

1:21:091:21:11

And I'm still quoting her every day of my life probably.

1:21:111:21:14

PIANO INTRO

1:21:141:21:16

I would be deliriously happy just to be able to play the piano

1:21:161:21:20

as well as she does.

1:21:201:21:21

Nobody talks about that.

1:21:211:21:23

This is just accepted, the fact, "Oh, Vic plays the piano and sings."

1:21:231:21:27

# Comedians are tough and hard

1:21:271:21:29

# We've all been hurt We've all been scarred

1:21:291:21:31

# We all do ads for Barclaycard I'm feeling in the mood tonight

1:21:311:21:34

# Before the show we gather round In every theatre, every town

1:21:341:21:38

# Sooty, put that toothpaste down I'm feeling in the mood tonight... #

1:21:381:21:40

I learnt to play piano when I was about seven.

1:21:401:21:43

My father wrote the names of the notes

1:21:431:21:46

on the keys of the piano in pencil

1:21:461:21:49

and then he wrote the names of the notes on a piece of music,

1:21:491:21:52

Polly Wolly Doodle, and then he left the room. And that was it.

1:21:521:21:55

That was him teaching me to play the piano.

1:21:551:21:57

But that was enough for me to work it out for myself.

1:21:571:22:00

And then I was obsessed with playing the piano.

1:22:001:22:02

I played it all the time.

1:22:021:22:04

Then I was given piano lessons when I was about eight

1:22:041:22:06

and I was so nervous.

1:22:061:22:07

I couldn't deal with being in the same room with this man and I used to sweat.

1:22:071:22:11

My hands would slide off the keys. I stopped going.

1:22:111:22:13

So then I would only play in secret.

1:22:131:22:15

I thought, "Well, I'm not having piano lessons,

1:22:151:22:17

"I shouldn't be playing the piano. That would be naughty."

1:22:171:22:20

So I only played the piano when my parents went out of the house.

1:22:201:22:22

Then when the headlights would sweep up the drive,

1:22:221:22:25

I would get off the piano and run away.

1:22:251:22:26

So they didn't know that I played for years.

1:22:261:22:29

I was told, age 20, that a song is two minutes, ten seconds,

1:22:321:22:35

and for years, no matter what I thought I was writing,

1:22:351:22:38

it always came out at two minutes, ten seconds.

1:22:381:22:40

I realised, not very long ago, that they actually could be longer.

1:22:411:22:44

# We're listening for the sleigh bells

1:22:481:22:51

# We're looking for the sleigh

1:22:511:22:53

# We hope this special person comes In time for Christmas Day... #

1:22:531:22:58

# Let's join in the magic of Christmas make-believe

1:22:581:23:02

# Who do we all want to see on Christmas Eve?

1:23:021:23:07

# Ann Widdecombe

1:23:071:23:08

# Ann Widdecombe

1:23:081:23:10

# That's who we want to see We agree... #

1:23:101:23:12

Her songs have a lot of depth.

1:23:121:23:14

You know, they are very funny,

1:23:141:23:17

but they're also very, very clever, musically,

1:23:171:23:19

and there's other stuff to them.

1:23:191:23:22

# Ann Widdecombe

1:23:221:23:23

# Ann Widdecombe

1:23:231:23:25

# I like the suits I wear

1:23:251:23:27

# Unsquashable

1:23:271:23:28

# But washable

1:23:281:23:30

# I can't relax!

1:23:301:23:33

# Can't relax!

1:23:331:23:35

# When in slacks

1:23:351:23:36

# Or panda pants! #

1:23:361:23:37

And it's only really in the last few years,

1:23:371:23:39

as I've worked with other musical people,

1:23:391:23:41

that I've got some more sense of what I do is worth doing.

1:23:411:23:46

That these songs are worth writing and that they OK, the songs are OK.

1:23:461:23:50

PIANO INTRO

1:23:501:23:52

The Ballad of Barry and Freda.

1:23:521:23:54

That's just genius.

1:23:551:23:57

It's absolutely sublime. It's spot on.

1:23:581:24:01

# Freda and Barry sat one night

1:24:021:24:06

# The sky was clear The stars were bright

1:24:061:24:09

# The wind was soft

1:24:091:24:11

# The moon was up

1:24:111:24:13

# Freda drained her cocoa cup

1:24:131:24:16

# She licked her lips

1:24:171:24:19

# She felt sublime

1:24:191:24:21

# She switched off Gardeners' Question Time

1:24:211:24:24

# Barry cringed in fear and dread

1:24:241:24:28

# As Freda grabbed his tie and said,

1:24:281:24:33

# "Let's do it, let's do it

1:24:331:24:35

# "Do it while the mood is right

1:24:351:24:37

# "I'm feelin' appealin'

1:24:371:24:40

# "I've really got an appetite

1:24:401:24:41

# "I'm on fire with desire

1:24:411:24:43

# "I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir

1:24:431:24:46

# "Let's do it. Let's do it tonight!" #

1:24:461:24:49

She could have said, "I could handle all the tenors," but she didn't.

1:24:491:24:52

She just said half of them, which is brilliant.

1:24:521:24:55

# "Go native

1:24:551:24:56

# "Creative living in the living room

1:24:561:24:59

# "This folly is jolly

1:24:591:25:01

# "Bend me over backwards on me hostess trolley

1:25:011:25:03

# Let's do it Let's do it tonight! #

1:25:031:25:05

"Bend me over backwards on the hostess trolley."

1:25:051:25:08

Oh, I had visions of that and just roared laughing.

1:25:081:25:10

There is a theme of trolleys in her work.

1:25:101:25:12

# "I'm older, feel colder

1:25:121:25:14

# "It's other things that turn me on

1:25:141:25:17

# "I'm imploring. I'm boring.

1:25:171:25:18

# "Let me read this catalogue of vinyl flooring

1:25:181:25:21

# "I can't do it I can't do it tonight!" #

1:25:211:25:24

Most of us have been there at one point or another.

1:25:241:25:26

"Oh, no. Not now. Not tonight, Josephine."

1:25:261:25:30

# "Don't angle for me to dangle

1:25:301:25:32

# "Me arms have never been that strong

1:25:321:25:34

# "Stop pouting Stop shouting

1:25:341:25:37

# "You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting

1:25:371:25:39

# "I can't do it I can't do it tonight! #

1:25:391:25:42

It goes on...

1:25:421:25:43

And it's a long song.

1:25:431:25:44

And on...

1:25:441:25:45

Constantly - "Let's do it!" and then the key change.

1:25:451:25:48

# Dah dah dah dah! #

1:25:481:25:49

And you have all these different key changes.

1:25:491:25:52

# "Stop nagging I'm flagging

1:25:521:25:54

# You know as well as I do That the pipes need lagging

1:25:541:25:57

# "I can't do it I can't do it tonight!" #

1:25:571:26:00

It's probably 20 years since I wrote it. My voice has got much lower.

1:26:001:26:03

I can only play it in the keys I used to play it in.

1:26:031:26:05

I can't sing it. I look really silly!

1:26:051:26:08

# "You want to grab your man with lust

1:26:081:26:10

"No cautions, just contortions

1:26:101:26:12

# "Smear an avocado on me lower portions... #

1:26:121:26:15

-It's a hard song to perform, but bloody hell, it's good.

-It's a work of genius.

1:26:151:26:19

# "Let's do it, let's do it I really want to rant and rave

1:26:191:26:23

# "Let's go, cos I know Just how I want you to behave

1:26:231:26:27

# Not meekly, not bleakly

1:26:271:26:30

# Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly

1:26:301:26:32

# Let's do it Let's do it tonight! #

1:26:321:26:42

APPLAUSE

1:26:421:26:45

Just even talking about it,

1:26:491:26:51

I've been feeling low down, depressed or whatever,

1:26:511:26:55

bung one of her sketches up or even think about it

1:26:551:26:59

and it chuckles you up for the day.

1:26:591:27:02

May she keep on making me laugh. It's wonderful. Thank you, Victoria.

1:27:021:27:06

It's a cliche to say that Victoria's the sort of person

1:27:061:27:10

you'd like to spend an evening in the pub with, but you would.

1:27:101:27:13

And will you continue to handle my potatoes?

1:27:141:27:16

Of course.

1:27:161:27:18

I have learnt, with Vic, to stop wasting my time

1:27:201:27:23

wishing I could emulate her and to just enjoy admiring her.

1:27:231:27:28

Massive talent, basically, is the secret of her longevity.

1:27:281:27:32

I feel very lucky to be able to think of her as a darling friend.

1:27:321:27:38

Thank you very much. Thank you. Ooh!

1:27:381:27:41

Sorry.

1:27:411:27:42

Just the very fact that Victoria Wood knows I exist

1:27:431:27:48

is enough to make me die happy.

1:27:481:27:50

She will loom large in the history of television and stage comedy

1:27:501:27:54

and writing generally.

1:27:541:27:56

I look back, I feel really fortunate that I managed to get from

1:27:561:28:00

dying the death in a folk club to playing the Albert Hall.

1:28:001:28:03

And I'm proud that I can still go on television now,

1:28:031:28:06

you know, that I've managed to keep a career going

1:28:061:28:09

along all those years.

1:28:091:28:11

And I'm really happy about that.

1:28:111:28:13

I wouldn't change any of that.

1:28:131:28:14

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1:28:281:28:32

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1:28:321:28:37

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