Eddie Izzard: Stripped


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Eddie Izzard: Stripped

Comedian Eddie Izzard performs his stand up show Stripped. Recorded at the Lyric, London in 2008.


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This programme contains very strong language.

0:00:080:00:11

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUES

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London! London!

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London, London.

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There's only one London in the world except for all the other ones,

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which is really annoying. Couldn't there just be one? Thank you very much.

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But we were called Londinium by the Romans and we said, "No, we're not going to do that.

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"We're going to change some of the vowels at the end, because we want the 'ondon' sound."

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And I think that's what we're most attached to.

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When I think of London, I think of the ondon, the same O-N-O-N bit at the end.

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And we have no songs. There's no songs.

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Well, there's one song for London, but we should have a song that...

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Cos there's American songs. New York, hey! Chicago...

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And Chicago, hey... San Francisco, eh... And, you know...

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But we should have one that reflects, I think, London vibrancy and London fuck-off-ness.

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# London, London Why don't you all fuck off?

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# But come and spend your money

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# Come around and spend your money

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# Have a good time, then fuck off

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# Then come back on Tuesday

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# At half past three Cos we need some cash just then

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# Then fuck off, come back, fuck off

0:02:150:02:16

# Come back, fuck off, come back... #

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-CHEERING

-I think that's...

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Ding, ding, ding, ding...

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Tonight! Tonight I thought I'd talk about everything that's ever happened in the world.

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And the critics... I said this and critics said, "No, you're not."

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"Of course I'm not!" And they said, "All right."

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And I said, "Why the fuck did you say eurgh?"

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And they went, "Cos we're critics."

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So, tonight, tonight we'll talk with the use of Wikipedia,

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which has taught me so many things that I didn't know and neither did you.

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Wikipedia has pages on everything! There's almost nothing... There was one thing I looked up

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and I couldn't find, but I can't remember what it is, so it probably doesn't matter.

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Everything is in Wikipedia, and you used to have arguments!

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How do you make spoons, Jim, Jack, Kenny, Rogers? Two people.

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How do you make them?

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And if no one knew, you'd go, "Ah, fuck it."

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And you wouldn't go, "I'll join a library.

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"I'll join a library and I'll get a library card after six months and then I'll look up spoons."

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No, you wouldn't. You'd just...

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You'd just give up then.

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But now we've got Wikipedia, we look up spoons. And you'd probably get bored within three lines.

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If you notice, it goes, "Spoons were made from..."

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Within three lines, you're going, "Helicopters! Helicopters!

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"They took over the world...

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"Chickens. Chickens drive helicopters.

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"Alligators." You know. And you can just keep going until you get to one and you click

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on it and it says, "There is no page for this person." And you think, "Why did you put them in blue?"

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"Don't put them in blue and have no page. Just don't put them in blue."

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We have been trained. So, Wikipedia.

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Yes. On the very sexy computers like the Macintosh computer.

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I have an Apple Macintosh computer, very sort of touchy, sexy, feely.

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And you open it up and...

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In the old days porn would take forever to download.

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Do you remember that?

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Friends tell me.

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Friends who can spell porn.

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Well, it was... That picture would come up. And you'd go, "What is it? This is cat porn.

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"This is a picture of a cat."

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But nowadays you're just tip-tapping away and a little box comes up.

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"Would you like a software update?" And you go, "Yeah.

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"Yeah, like one of those." It's like a latte thing.

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Yeah, why not?

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And then time becomes a different thing. Time becomes weird as it downloads. Five minutes to download.

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Four minutes to download. Three minutes to download.

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Nine minutes to download.

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Two minutes to download. Seven hours to download.

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Six seconds to download.

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A light-year to download.

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And then it starts asking you questions like will you sign a new agreement with iTunes?

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And I've signed many agreements with iTunes.

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I don't know what they want from me any more.

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Surely they know I agree with them.

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I'm just... I'm there, you know?

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Why do they keep checking like I'm going to go away?

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No, I no longer agree with you.

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We all agree. And they've made us liars.

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You can't say to children, "Don't lie."

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"Well, you said you've read the terms and conditions."

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No one has read the terms and conditions, no one in the world!

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No one. Even the lawyers who wrote it, wrote it like this.

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It could say anything in there.

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"We will take your buttocks and sell them to Chinese." "Yes!"

0:05:390:05:42

"Set fire to your hedges." "Why not?"

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"Put your knee in a sling." "Yeah, gimme."

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Cos you're in go-fever at that point.

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"Come on, give me the update."

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Cos it could be that one update, that one update that will make your life complete.

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You know, like the Willy Wonka golden chocolate thingy with the errgh.

0:05:560:06:00

Update, yes. And then sex with everyone and free chickens for life.

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Whether they want to come or not.

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But then it downloads and you have to do a reboot thing, which is

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basically getting ready to go to the seaside with a bucket and spade,

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the engine on, and your dad says, "Come on, everyone out the car." "What?

0:06:150:06:19

"Where we going? Where we going? Where we going?"

0:06:190:06:21

Everyone back in the car. "Back in the car? We just got out."

0:06:210:06:24

-HE IMITATES A CAR REVVING

-"What the fuck was that?"

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So, yes, and then you update the whole thing and nothing has changed, which is a bit weird and annoying.

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If you have a PC computer, I think it's a similar thing.

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You press the on button and then there's a crank. You have to crank it.

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And then they get contact and they spin the propeller and you get in.

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"Come on, the PC's going." Doog, doog, doog, doog, doog.

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And then you put on a 78 record.

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Move the horn around. # Wurr, wurr, weeerr... #

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-Caruso sings the update.

-HE IMITATES CARUSO

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So, I've learnt that the world is 4,500 million years old.

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If you're very religious, then it's not 4,500 million years old.

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It's 6,000 years old.

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One of these is not correct.

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Using simple logic here.

0:07:230:07:26

Now the science boys, they got anoraks, they got glasses, they got Bunsen burners and Petri dishes.

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I've got to go with them because they can bend glass,

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and if they heat it up, you know...

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And sodium chloride and potassium permanganate makes potassium pomongadonkey.

0:07:360:07:41

What was the one that was boom, and all and that and...? And all that stuff that we did.

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And then if you're religious, the religious boys, they've got a book.

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And...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Some really interesting stuff in there, good stories in the book.

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I mean, I think a lot of the people in there are true. I think it's oral histories.

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Stuff in there's true and there's slavery in there. Hmmmm.

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Maybe crime against humanity there in the good, moral book.

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Maybe it shouldn't be in? Maybe the editor

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should have put a line through how to sell your daughter? Mmm.

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Don't you think one of the Popes would have thought, "We could...

0:08:200:08:23

"Could we? You know, we're dumping a lot of these books.

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"Couldn't we just cross out the slavery bit and pretend it never happened?" They left it in till now.

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It's still there!

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It makes me think there isn't a God, you know. Cos I used to be an agnostic and now I'm an atheist.

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I'm all for spirituality and I think there's a lot of religious people who've got a certain something.

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And I believe in us. I don't believe in God, I believe in us human beings.

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But if God was there... Thank you, one person.

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If God was there, I think the first line of the Bible should be, "It's round."

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"Looks flat, but it's round.

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"Yeah, it spins. It's like a big football."

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"Oh, it's very complicated.

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"Imagine you're an ant on a football and you're spinning, but you can't feel it.

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"Shit, shit, shit.

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"Sorry about the slavery.

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"Couldn't get the staff.

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"They seemed to like it.

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"Shit. All right, forget this bit. Right.

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"Ooh, in the beginning was the Word."

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Don't you think? If there was a God, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?

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Don't you think? You know.

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"Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything." Well, fuck off then.

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If you're not allowed to do anything then what's the use?

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Just piss off and stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays.

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"Please, could you possibly mumble positive things towards me

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"on a Sunday in the coldest buildings you can find?"

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"Please, get some of your senior citizens to wear cakes on their heads.

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"And to mumble ridiculously positive things about me."

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So, yes, 4,500 million years ago I do believe

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our Earth started with a 'place your bets' type of spinning thing.

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And then we turn up, human beings, five million years ago.

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Why the big pause? Cos it is a big one. Have you noticed?

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4,500 million years minus five million years

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is 4,495 million years of nothing! Well, there was stuff.

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There was bleh and bloo...eurgh.

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I thought dinosaurs ruled the world all that period, but no.

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They were around for 200 million years.

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So, we've been five, they've been 200, and they weren't even ruling.

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Because if they were ruling, on the Steven Spielberg movies, we'd see that dinosaurs were going, "Rargh!

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"Rargh, rargh, rargh, you can go away.

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-"You can stay. And you, I like you.

-HE GROWLS

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-HE GROWLS

-"And you, I can smell.

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-"You smell of sandwiches.

-HE GROWLS

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-HE GROWLS

-"You can come, cos I... Rumpy-pumpy.

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"And let's eat him."

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That would be dinosaurs ruling the Earth, but I noticed in the films

0:11:060:11:09

that they seem to just get up in the morning and go, "Rargh!"

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With a look of not bright as a button, you know.

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A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

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And they just go around eating and pooing each other all day for 200 million years!

0:11:220:11:28

Come on, that's not a god making that.

0:11:280:11:31

If God did that, his children would be crazy.

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And I think if he did exist, he had many children.

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I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God.

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A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus.

0:11:400:11:44

-That's just logic.

-APPLAUSE

0:11:440:11:46

That's just mathematical.

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And T-sus would always be fucking about.

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P-sus does deliveries.

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C-sus started the Roman Empire, C-sus. F-sus, city in Turkey.

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B-sus was covered in something.

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Some people applauding there, other people going, "What?"

0:12:080:12:10

B-sus was covered in bees.

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But, yeah. Dinosaurs, dinosaurs, just wandering around. No dinosaur poetry. Not clever.

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They weren't going, "I wandered lonely as a cloud over hill

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"blah blah. And I saw a small...

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"And ate him.

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"And then I ate... And then I pooed him out.

0:12:300:12:34

"And that was nice. What a day."

0:12:340:12:37

They didn't go to church. No dinosaur churches.

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Very few dinosaur vicars going, "Welcome, eurgh eurgh.

0:12:400:12:43

"Thank you very much."

0:12:430:12:44

"Hello. Hey."

0:12:470:12:49

"Excuse me."

0:12:500:12:52

"Welcome to today's service.

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"We will now sing hymn 409, All Things Bright And Beautiful."

0:12:550:13:00

# All things bright and beautiful

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# All creatures great and small Rargh!

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# All things wise and wonderful

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# They don't live on the planet at the moment. #

0:13:190:13:24

That scene did not happen.

0:13:260:13:28

Yeah, so,

0:13:300:13:32

not clever. I think most of the dinosaurs were not clever from what I can tell.

0:13:320:13:37

The raptors do seem quite clever.

0:13:370:13:39

Smaller, about our size. They seem to be able to break into rooms.

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Work locks, do computer stuff, download raptor porn. Ah!

0:13:430:13:51

And then run away and not pay. Wooh!

0:13:510:13:54

They could almost pass for us. You put a little porkpie hat

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on a raptor, and it almost looks like a human being.

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"Is this your car, sir?" "No."

0:14:000:14:02

"Do you realise how fast you were going?"

0:14:030:14:06

"Ha ha. I was very busy." "You were going a million miles an hour."

0:14:060:14:11

"Oh, really? Is that over the...over the thing?"

0:14:110:14:16

"Yes. The limit is 30 miles an hour." "Oh? That's... I was very busy."

0:14:160:14:22

"Well, can you show me your documents?"

0:14:240:14:26

"Erm... Argh, huhuh! Good afternoon. I can't... Argh!"

0:14:260:14:31

"It's a raptor! Get me a dustbin lid." Boom!

0:14:310:14:34

"It fucking raptor. Run!

0:14:340:14:37

"Run! No, stay. Chase him. Something." "Eurgh."

0:14:370:14:44

The raptors.

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And then we turn up. The human beings of this world,

0:14:460:14:48

we turn up 5 million years ago and that, I think, is the point where we started to walk erect.

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And I think it must have been a gradual period.

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I don't think we could have just gone whoosh.

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"Oh, this is better.

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"I don't know why we didn't do this a long time ago.

0:15:010:15:05

"Steve, Jeffrey. Come on, try this."

0:15:050:15:08

"I can see clearly now.

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"The rain has gone.

0:15:120:15:14

"I can see all lobsters in my way."

0:15:140:15:18

It really gets interesting around tool time.

0:15:180:15:21

Tool time is the Stone Age. That's when it kicks off. The Stone Age.

0:15:210:15:25

Before the Stone Age, no stones, no tools. Hunting was bizarre.

0:15:250:15:29

"Come on, there's a bison!"

0:15:290:15:31

"Come on, lads!"

0:15:310:15:32

"Will you die, sir?"

0:15:370:15:38

"Die, I tell you. You're in our territory.

0:15:420:15:44

"I peed and pooed all round here.

0:15:440:15:46

"I marked my territory quite clearly."

0:15:460:15:48

"Will... Ow! Will you die, sir? Could you possibly?

0:15:500:15:54

"You could feed a family for nine years."

0:15:540:15:57

"Don't you look at me with those big eyes. Those big cow eyes."

0:15:570:16:02

"This could take hours."

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"Buggering hell.

0:16:040:16:06

"Come on, where are you? How can you be late?

0:16:060:16:10

"It's the Stone Age. There's nothing to be late in the Stone Age for.

0:16:100:16:14

"Bastards." Boom! Thud.

0:16:140:16:18

"Oh. That is much better!"

0:16:180:16:21

"Did you see that? Did you see that?"

0:16:230:16:26

The others come running up.

0:16:260:16:28

"I picked up a stone. I hit the bison.

0:16:280:16:30

"He's just... He's gone. He's dead."

0:16:300:16:32

"This is brilliant, Jeff.

0:16:320:16:35

"This could be the beginning of an age."

0:16:350:16:38

"Well, that's what I was thinking.

0:16:380:16:41

"Provisionally I entitled it The Age Of Big Things Falling Over

0:16:410:16:44

"Cos They're Hit By Small Things Of A Much Denser Material."

0:16:440:16:47

"No, just Stone Age." "Stone Age, yes!

0:16:500:16:52

"You were always better than me at that, weren't you?

0:16:520:16:56

"Weren't you, Siegfried?"

0:16:560:16:57

We're not sure of the names.

0:17:000:17:03

Language was developed 100,000 years ago. Before that, no language.

0:17:030:17:07

Before that also, no religion.

0:17:070:17:09

You can't have religion by grunting.

0:17:090:17:11

It just... You can't get moral ideas out by going, "Eurgh.

0:17:110:17:14

"Weh. Argh." "Ha ha! I suppose so."

0:17:140:17:19

"Eurgh, aboo, waa, ooh."

0:17:190:17:23

"Ha ha, I don't know what you're..."

0:17:230:17:25

While we're here, we may as well do civilisation.

0:17:250:17:28

Just be civil to one another.

0:17:280:17:30

Cos we got the killer thing in. And assassins, they took drugs.

0:17:300:17:35

Maybe as a reward or maybe to make them just jump over the idea of going out and killing people.

0:17:350:17:39

And it was hashish. That's where the word comes from.

0:17:390:17:41

They were hash-assins.

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No, it's true.

0:17:450:17:46

It sounds silly. They were hash-assins.

0:17:460:17:49

Read it, it's on Wikipedia.

0:17:490:17:50

You can look it up on your iPhones while I'm talking to you.

0:17:500:17:53

It's true, I've done it. It's there and they would give them hashish and say, "You are hash-assins now.

0:17:530:18:01

"Help yourself to hashish and then we'll go do hash-assinations."

0:18:010:18:06

"He's off his rocker, isn't he?"

0:18:060:18:09

Cos I do think that hashish is one of the worst...

0:18:090:18:12

It's the wrong drug to give to people who are going to go out and do something.

0:18:120:18:15

Unless you say, "We're going to take over a Mars bar factory,"

0:18:150:18:18

then... "Yeah! Come on."

0:18:180:18:22

There was an empowerment there.

0:18:220:18:24

"We're all going to go and dive into bags of sugar."

0:18:270:18:30

"Yes! Yes, of course!"

0:18:300:18:33

But apart from that, organised hash-assinations is just crazy.

0:18:330:18:37

You get there. "What? What?

0:18:370:18:39

"Hold this, hold this. Get behind the hedge.

0:18:390:18:41

"Get behind the..." Bing-bong.

0:18:410:18:47

"He's not... Oh, he is here."

0:18:500:18:52

"Er, I'm sorry about this.

0:18:540:18:57

We just... We're hash-assins.

0:18:570:19:01

No, we're hash-assins.

0:19:010:19:03

Er...

0:19:030:19:05

We've got to kill you. We're supposed to kill you.

0:19:050:19:08

Do you have a KitKat?"

0:19:080:19:11

"If you've got a KitKat, that's like a get out of jail free card."

0:19:110:19:15

"You have? He's got...

0:19:150:19:17

"Have you got three?

0:19:170:19:19

"Oh, you've got four? He's got a four-bar one.

0:19:190:19:21

"Come on, all right.

0:19:210:19:23

"Shh! Schtumm. Close the door. Fuck off."

0:19:230:19:27

"We should do this everywhere.

0:19:270:19:29

"Get KitKats." Ding-dong.

0:19:290:19:31

"Got KitKats?

0:19:310:19:32

"Or just a KatKit?

0:19:320:19:35

"Like a Meccano cat..." Ah, forget it. Then the guy gets on the roof with a briefcase.

0:19:350:19:39

"I am in position..." "Shush!"

0:19:390:19:42

"Sorry. I am in position on the roof with a briefcase.

0:19:420:19:46

"All right, all right. Yeah.

0:19:460:19:47

"I will assemble it."

0:19:470:19:50

HE CLICKS AND WHOOSHES

0:19:500:19:52

"What the fuck is that?"

0:20:010:20:03

"Attach part A to part B then to part C..."

0:20:050:20:10

"Apply transfers to model aircraft."

0:20:100:20:15

These are the wrong instructions.

0:20:150:20:18

HE WHOOSHES AND CLICKS

0:20:180:20:20

HE IMITATES A MOTOR

0:20:200:20:22

MOTOR SLOWS AND STOPS

0:20:220:20:24

What? Yeah, no, I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

0:20:240:20:28

I haven't... I haven't got a gun.

0:20:280:20:31

I have got a vacuum cleaner.

0:20:320:20:34

Yeah. Well, it's in a similar briefcase.

0:20:370:20:43

It just looks... I know, I know.

0:20:430:20:46

I know what you said. I know.

0:20:460:20:48

Don't bring the vacuum cleaner.

0:20:480:20:51

But it's a Dyson Slimline.

0:20:510:20:55

It's really lightweight.

0:20:550:20:57

It's orange.

0:20:570:20:59

The ball type.

0:20:590:21:01

Goes around corners really well.

0:21:010:21:03

All right, all right, I'll pack up here.

0:21:050:21:06

Shall I Hoover up before I go?

0:21:060:21:09

All right. All right. I know, I know.

0:21:110:21:13

Look, I'll throw it at him.

0:21:130:21:15

How's about I throw it at him?

0:21:150:21:17

No, it's not very accurate, but it has a fantastic element of surprise.

0:21:170:21:22

And we now, I think, in modern days, maybe we have more of a sense, more of an empathy with people.

0:21:250:21:31

We can see horrors going on. We saw the tsunami. We saw the thing in Mumbai.

0:21:310:21:35

We've seen films. Maybe it's not visceral, but you can...

0:21:350:21:39

You get a very good visual sense of what has gone on in the past.

0:21:390:21:44

Back in the Battle of Hastings time, you didn't have a clue what happened in the battle.

0:21:440:21:48

You were either in that battle, or you just fucking forget it.

0:21:480:21:51

Or you watch a tapestry.

0:21:510:21:54

The Bayeux Tapestry tells you in panels what's going on, but...

0:21:540:21:59

It's weavers, weavers were the war correspondents.

0:21:590:22:02

Weavers were the photo-journalists of the day, going, "Come on! Come on!"

0:22:020:22:05

"Oh, my God. Look at that. Get that down, Kelly. Put that here.

0:22:080:22:12

"What are they doing?

0:22:120:22:13

"Oh, God. Keep moving. Keep moving.

0:22:130:22:16

"Don't look at the weavers. Just move on."

0:22:160:22:20

"Do some weird haircuts for the boys, all right?

0:22:200:22:23

"Give 'em a bit of a laugh, eh?"

0:22:230:22:26

"Willie! Big Willie! Give him a wave.

0:22:260:22:28

"Hey, Big Willie. Good luck." "That's the Duke of Normandy, the bastard."

0:22:280:22:32

"Come on, win, you bastards. Shoot someone in the eye.

0:22:320:22:34

"We've already done that panel."

0:22:340:22:36

"I've sewn this to my leg. Is that a problem?"

0:22:380:22:40

So we were hunter-gatherers. We hunted and gathered.

0:22:430:22:45

I would have elected to be, I would have chosen to be a hunter.

0:22:450:22:48

It seems more fun. It seems more dangerous and more eurgh!

0:22:480:22:51

You put face paint on your thing. It's make-up.

0:22:510:22:53

It's almost me, Action Transvestite. That's what hunter-gatherers were. We see it with the Native Americans.

0:22:530:22:57

We're there.

0:22:570:23:00

We all looked pretty good. That was the one upside of the Stone Age period.

0:23:000:23:04

We looked fucking fantastic, man. "Come on, let's go hunting just in underwear. Come on!

0:23:040:23:09

"Janine, Stavros, Kenny, Rogers!" Two people. "Come on."

0:23:090:23:13

"We look brilliant. In fact, hold me over a pond, will you?

0:23:130:23:16

"I want to see what I look like."

0:23:160:23:18

The only way you could look at yourself in the old days.

0:23:180:23:21

Everyone looked a little bit hangy-downy.

0:23:210:23:24

"I look a bit hangy-downy."

0:23:240:23:27

So that was it. 10,000 years ago, the ice went away going,

0:23:270:23:30

"Bye! Bye! Good luck with civilisation. Invent fridges."

0:23:300:23:35

And off they went. And that is when the hunter-gatherer period moved into the agrarian period. Farming.

0:23:380:23:44

Farming is a step up in civilisation. More cultivated.

0:23:440:23:46

Groups and communities can grow. But it's a step down in sexiness.

0:23:460:23:50

There are no farming films.

0:23:500:23:52

No "Farming. Bruce Willis in Farming. Farming III."

0:23:520:23:57

"He was just a farmer.

0:23:570:23:59

"Someone stole his beans." "You fucking stole my beans, MacGruder.

0:23:590:24:04

"I'll chase you on my yak." Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

0:24:040:24:07

"You'll never catch me. I have a yak, too." Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

0:24:080:24:12

It's on Top Yak. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

0:24:120:24:14

One of the best yaks in the world. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

0:24:140:24:18

Not exciting films.

0:24:180:24:20

"Look, the grass is growing." Dun, dun, dun.

0:24:200:24:23

And that's why farmers keep animals, to make it more rock 'n' roll. More exciting.

0:24:230:24:29

Most of the animals they keep by choice are noisy animals.

0:24:290:24:32

Cows go moo and sheep go baa and dogs go woof and cats go woof and pigs go woof and...horses go hrrr.

0:24:320:24:38

And donkeys go eeyore.

0:24:380:24:40

And pigs go onk. No. Woof or crack.

0:24:400:24:44

No, they don't go crack. Maybe they take crack. I'm not sure.

0:24:440:24:47

Jury's still out on that one.

0:24:470:24:50

Eurgh! Ducks, geese, all noisy bastards.

0:24:500:24:52

They keep no snails.

0:24:520:24:54

No badgers, no stoats, no weasels, no, er, rabbits.

0:24:560:25:00

All very quiet. Gazelles make no noise, except for this noise. Phwaong!

0:25:000:25:06

Because they leap. You couldn't farm gazelles, could you?

0:25:060:25:09

You'd have to keep them in a bag.

0:25:090:25:12

"You want a gazelle, mate?"

0:25:120:25:14

"Yeah, all right."

0:25:140:25:15

That's not a gazelle. That's an eel.

0:25:180:25:21

Shit. Got the wrong bag.

0:25:210:25:22

"Here you go." Phwaong! "Oh, it's gone."

0:25:250:25:29

They have wings, you see. In the early days.

0:25:290:25:32

You can tell by...

0:25:320:25:34

Giraffes! Giraffes have no safety noise. They don't have one.

0:25:340:25:37

Like, chickens have a safety noise, which is cock-a-doodle-doo.

0:25:370:25:40

Unless you wedge a trumpet on their face.

0:25:400:25:42

And then it's driddlet, driddlet, duh!

0:25:420:25:44

And you can train a chicken to do jazz, which I would encourage all farmers to do.

0:25:460:25:51

Then the farmer's wife would say, "What the hell is that?" "That's my jazz chicken."

0:25:510:25:56

IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING A TRUMPET

0:25:560:26:00

"But how does he make an embouchure? He has a beak."

0:26:000:26:03

"I wedged a mango in there."

0:26:030:26:06

"Oh, you box clever there."

0:26:070:26:09

And he wouldn't actually wake you up, would he? It'd be like a permanent snooze button.

0:26:090:26:14

"And now it's 6am and jazz chicken."

0:26:140:26:16

IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING A TRUMPET

0:26:160:26:19

12 noon and people are going, "Milk me, motherfucker, milk me!

0:26:230:26:27

"Get this milk out of me!

0:26:270:26:29

"Someone plug in, for God's sake.

0:26:290:26:31

"I've got to rub myself against a tree."

0:26:310:26:34

We don't know how.

0:26:340:26:36

How did feral cows milk themselves in the old days before farming?

0:26:360:26:40

There must have been wild cows in the old days.

0:26:400:26:43

Cows who were crazy. Wild!

0:26:430:26:44

"Fuck you, buddy."

0:26:470:26:49

Cows who would drive through the streets in cars.

0:26:500:26:53

"Is this your car, sir?" "Moo."

0:26:530:26:55

"Do you realise how fast you were going?" "Moo."

0:27:000:27:03

"Yah!"

0:27:040:27:07

"Is this your friend?" "Ha ha, yeah."

0:27:070:27:09

"Moo."

0:27:110:27:12

-IMITATES POLICE RADIO

-"Er, Sarge, I think there's a raptor and a cow in a car."

0:27:150:27:20

"Get everything here."

0:27:220:27:25

"What do you mean everything?"

0:27:250:27:27

"I mean everything!"

0:27:270:27:30

As Gary would say.

0:27:300:27:31

"Moo." "Do you realise how fast you were going?" "Moo."

0:27:330:27:38

"You were doing three miles an hour."

0:27:380:27:41

"Moo?"

0:27:410:27:42

-ENGINE SPEEDS UP

-He's going faster now.

0:27:420:27:47

But giraffes have no emergency sound.

0:27:490:27:54

If a giraffe sees a tiger in Africa, it would have alarm and surprise as two of its main emotions.

0:27:540:27:58

Two of the emotions of the Spanish Inquisition.

0:27:580:28:01

Fear. Well, fear and surprise. Fear because, "Oh. it tiger."

0:28:030:28:05

And surprise because it's a tiger and there aren't any in Africa.

0:28:050:28:10

So what's it doing there?

0:28:100:28:12

Is it on holiday?

0:28:120:28:14

Have they come over with pirates?

0:28:170:28:20

Through the Gulf of Aden? My hometown.

0:28:200:28:22

So, yeah. And it would turn to its friends and say nothing.

0:28:220:28:26

It has no brr-brr, cacaw cacaw, fung, dyka.

0:28:260:28:30

Nothing. It should hire a jazz chicken to sit on its back and go...

0:28:300:28:35

IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING A TRUMPET

0:28:350:28:37

Or the jazz chicken could go...

0:28:390:28:41

IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING BEE SOUNDS ON A TRUMPET

0:28:410:28:45

He could do that.

0:28:450:28:47

And then it'll go, "There are bees coming!" "Not bees."

0:28:490:28:52

It has no way of saying tiger, so...

0:28:540:28:57

But it can cough. If you look on Wikipedia, they can cough

0:28:570:29:00

and so that's what they must use, the very British method of pointing out alarming things.

0:29:000:29:05

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:29:070:29:09

HE COUGHS

0:29:150:29:17

"There's a tiger over there."

0:29:170:29:20

"Ahem... Tiger. Ahem... Tiger over there.

0:29:230:29:28

"There's a fucking great big tiger.

0:29:280:29:30

-HE COUGHS

-"Tiger at 4 o'clock."

0:29:300:29:31

"Film."

0:29:360:29:37

"Two syllables. First syllable.

0:29:390:29:41

"Sounds like."

0:29:410:29:43

-HE MUMBLES

-"No, first syllable."

0:29:450:29:47

"First syllable."

0:29:470:29:49

Tie? Tie?

0:29:590:30:01

Second syllable, sounds like... Grr.

0:30:040:30:09

Tie... Grr?

0:30:130:30:14

Grr?

0:30:140:30:17

Tie-grr?

0:30:170:30:19

Ti-ger?

0:30:220:30:24

Ti-ger.

0:30:240:30:25

And then they do go. You see them go. Like, "Get the fuck outta here."

0:30:400:30:44

And where do they go to?

0:30:440:30:46

Where do they go to?

0:30:460:30:51

The giraffes who run.

0:30:520:30:54

Well, they're taller than Africa, that savannah bit.

0:30:540:30:57

They're so tall, they must hide behind giraffes, that's what I've worked out.

0:30:570:31:00

One giraffe is here and then the other giraffes just line out.

0:31:000:31:03

Just saying, "Stay in line. Back a bit, back a bit." Forward, forward a bit. Back a bit.

0:31:030:31:08

And the giraffe pretends, at this point, he pretends to be the Eiffel Tower.

0:31:080:31:12

C'est fantastique. C'est tres belle.

0:31:120:31:15

Oh, Paris bon nuit. C'est si belle.

0:31:150:31:19

# Boom, fish and chicken...

0:31:190:31:22

# Sur la plage, quell dommage

0:31:220:31:25

# Qu'elle sausage. #

0:31:250:31:26

Tu m'appelles, oui ma mere.

0:31:260:31:28

The tiger's walking around going, "Where are we?"

0:31:280:31:31

We were in Asia, then Africa, now we're in France.

0:31:310:31:36

I can't stand this. Give me the iPhone.

0:31:360:31:38

Noah, he knew about animals. Oh, yes, he did.

0:31:440:31:46

And he's mentioned in the Bible, which I think are oral histories. I think it did happen.

0:31:460:31:52

There was a flood, there's flood stories mentioned in the Bible, mentioned outside the Bible.

0:31:520:31:55

We saw the tsunami, we know they happen.

0:31:550:31:57

Now, the big point is, did God tell him to make a boat or did Noah just use his Captain Common Sense?

0:31:570:32:03

Cos a number of us, if we were somewhere where it was raining

0:32:030:32:05

and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and we had a big pile of wood,

0:32:050:32:10

some of us might put two and two together and go, "I'm going to make a bloody boat."

0:32:100:32:15

Others might go, "I'm going to make a hairdresser's.

0:32:150:32:17

"I'm going to build a monkey emporium."

0:32:170:32:19

"I'm going to build a big set of wooden shoes

0:32:190:32:23

"that would fit a giant."

0:32:230:32:25

But he made a boat.

0:32:250:32:27

He was quite sensible.

0:32:270:32:29

And what did he put on the boat? His family. What else? Animals.

0:32:290:32:31

Which animals? Any he could find.

0:32:310:32:33

Did he put two of every animal in the world on the boat? No!

0:32:330:32:36

How can I be so sure?

0:32:360:32:38

Try it.

0:32:380:32:40

Just try it. It's impossible. And there is such a word as impossible.

0:32:400:32:46

It is impossible to eat the Himalayas.

0:32:460:32:49

"There's no such word as can't." Well, try eating the bloody Himalayas.

0:32:490:32:53

"Oh, I got full after about two mountains."

0:32:530:32:56

You're not going to get through that.

0:32:560:32:57

So, he was there and he built this boat.

0:32:570:33:01

And just trying to get everything on there would be a nightmare.

0:33:010:33:03

And it had to be everything, from two dung beetles up to two giant squid. All of them.

0:33:030:33:07

All the fish had to be there because we know they were bad, some of them. Sharks are bad, you know?

0:33:070:33:12

Very few good sharks. Very few sharks say, "We've found a child.

0:33:120:33:16

He was swimming about, having a bad time

0:33:170:33:22

We were going to eat him, but we thought it is not our way any more.

0:33:220:33:26

Since the Geneva Convention on sharks, the agreement that sharks made with humans.

0:33:260:33:32

We took his leg but that is our trade.

0:33:320:33:36

We call him Stumpy.

0:33:360:33:39

Or Thumper. I think his name is Kenneth.

0:33:390:33:42

So, Noah would be there, saying, "All right, Margaret.

0:33:420:33:46

Margaret, just stuff them all over the boat.

0:33:460:33:48

Lash one giant squid to the roof.

0:33:480:33:51

Just do it. It's raining, Margaret, it doesn't matter.

0:33:510:33:53

Just put them anywhere. Shove them in cupboards.

0:33:530:33:56

A giant squid sticking out of the cupboards going, "There's no towels.

0:33:560:33:59

"Is she there? No towels."

0:33:590:34:02

Giant squid diary, day one.

0:34:020:34:04

Got to the boat. Everything rather damp. Must inform Trip Advisor.

0:34:040:34:08

Seem to be running out of ink.

0:34:080:34:12

Met a number of animals, interesting ones. Cat, dog, squirrel, a mouse.

0:34:160:34:20

I will eat them later.

0:34:200:34:22

I can't find Horace. Think he's latched to the roof.

0:34:220:34:26

And the whole two by two thing doesn't work. Two by two animals?

0:34:260:34:29

All right, here we go. Kids, we're going to get them up two by two.

0:34:290:34:31

Two tigers, two cats, two dogs, two fish.

0:34:310:34:35

Two rabbits, two squirrels, two llamas, two blue things, two zebras.

0:34:350:34:41

"How many is that?" "That?

0:34:410:34:43

"So far? Two tigers, Dad."

0:34:430:34:45

"What do you mean?"

0:34:490:34:52

"Oh, no. What happened?" "It just seemed to...

0:34:520:34:55

"It became a Wendy's all-you-can-eat kind of..."

0:34:550:34:58

Do we have a psychotherapist on board? Because I think

0:34:580:35:01

I need to readjust after that.

0:35:010:35:03

It wouldn't work. Lions and tigers eat everything.

0:35:030:35:06

It's like putting students on a boat with a load of cake mix, isn't it?

0:35:060:35:11

It would just be a munching fest.

0:35:110:35:14

I've been up close to a lion and they just do that. And after 40 days and 40 nights of rain...

0:35:140:35:19

Which is 40 days of rain, isn't it?

0:35:190:35:20

The nights are implicit, for God's sake.

0:35:200:35:23

It's a month and a bit of rain. Don't drag it out.

0:35:230:35:25

"40 lunchtimes and 40 afternoon teas."

0:35:250:35:30

Just padding out the Bible.

0:35:300:35:31

After that period of time, they'd be there, from the Bible, on the bit of land, saying, "We're here.

0:35:310:35:36

"As the ark makes landfall, what a historic day.

0:35:360:35:39

"God's plan has worked. The ark has made it with two of everything."

0:35:390:35:43

"And here they come, this is Noah and his family first. Trying to get a word in.

0:35:430:35:47

They're rushing away, they're probably meeting some friends, late for a dinner appointment.

0:35:470:35:51

And lions and tigers, there they go.

0:35:510:35:53

Well, they're chasing... Made friends already, I suppose.

0:35:530:35:56

No one else at the moment, must be packing.

0:35:560:36:00

Just getting their things together. What a wonderful, glorious day.

0:36:000:36:03

Here comes a squirrel, just running out, there.

0:36:030:36:05

"Mr Squirrel, how did it go?" "It was a nightmare, man.

0:36:050:36:09

"Don't go there. It was crazy.

0:36:090:36:11

"They killed everything. Those stripy bastards,

0:36:110:36:13

"they killed everything, man. There's nothing there, man.

0:36:130:36:15

"It's all dead, all dead, it's like a ghost ship.

0:36:150:36:19

"I escaped, I hid in a colander."

0:36:190:36:21

"Oh, shit. You gotta write that down in the Bible. It was a bad plan, man, bad plan."

0:36:260:36:30

"What happened to your wife? She got away.

0:36:300:36:32

"Got away in a boat with an owl and a cat."

0:36:320:36:35

"Did they take anything with them?"

0:36:380:36:41

"Yeah, they took spoons and a helicopter.

0:36:410:36:42

"A little toy one and a Gatling gun."

0:36:420:36:47

"An owl and a pussy-cat went to sea in a beautiful pea green boat.

0:36:470:36:50

"They took some spoons, a helicopter and a Gatling gun?"

0:36:500:36:53

"Yeah. It's not poetry."

0:36:530:36:58

So, civilisation.

0:37:000:37:02

That's what we're about. And, while we're here, cos I don't think there's actually a reason

0:37:020:37:07

why we're here, but while we're here we may as well try and be civilised.

0:37:070:37:09

It's just a little bit British.

0:37:090:37:11

Just a little bit getting up in the morning and saying, "Hello, how are you?" Walking on.

0:37:110:37:16

"Can't stand the man, myself."

0:37:190:37:21

It's a little bit like that.

0:37:270:37:29

And the Egyptians and the Sumerians, they started it off.

0:37:290:37:33

They started the ball rolling about 5,000 years ago.

0:37:330:37:36

They said, "Come on, irrigation. That's a good thing."

0:37:360:37:38

And the pharaohs were going, "I'm 12 years old, I could die sometime."

0:37:380:37:42

"But you're very young, sir." "Yeah, I could die, so I want to die in a pointy thing."

0:37:420:37:47

"All right, we'll make one. About head height?" "A mile high."

0:37:470:37:51

Bloody 12-year-olds.

0:37:510:37:53

"Come on, lads. Cut some rock."

0:37:530:37:57

And it was all kind of sandy, and they worshipped Ra. The Sun god, Ra.

0:37:570:38:01

They had a song. # Ra, hurrah for Ra

0:38:010:38:04

# He's up there near the stars.

0:38:040:38:06

# But they're not there, they've gone somewhere else

0:38:060:38:07

# And he is there, it's up there

0:38:070:38:09

# It's quite hot, it's hot

0:38:090:38:10

# It makes all our ground crappy

0:38:100:38:11

# And that's why we have irrigation

0:38:110:38:13

# La, la, la, la

0:38:130:38:14

# Ra, Ra. #

0:38:140:38:15

I'm not sure what the song was.

0:38:150:38:18

But it was something in that area.

0:38:180:38:20

And the worshipping of the Sun god, that is the circle behind

0:38:200:38:24

Mary's head. Mary and Baby G, you know they've got the circle?

0:38:240:38:27

And you grew up thinking that meant they were very, very good? Very, very good.

0:38:270:38:31

Or the Colgate ring of confidence, remember that one?

0:38:310:38:34

Actually, it means sun worshipping.

0:38:340:38:37

It was slid in behind Christianity.

0:38:370:38:39

Christianity, hello. Cos Christians worship Chris, of course.

0:38:390:38:43

That's what it should be about. Christmas is when we remember Chris.

0:38:460:38:50

And how he so brilliantly landed on that pagan ritual of being born on the 25th of December.

0:38:510:38:58

What is it with Christianity? There was all these pagan religions, and then Christianity went... Boof!

0:39:000:39:04

That seems to fit.

0:39:050:39:07

Well, it was. And all those people...

0:39:090:39:13

A lot of churches are built on pagan sites. So, people turn up for their pagan rituals.

0:39:130:39:17

"Let's go and worship on the Feast of Bingo. Woah.

0:39:170:39:22

"Where the fuck did this come from?

0:39:220:39:24

"Ooh! It's not Bingo any more.

0:39:240:39:26

"It's Mr Chris."

0:39:260:39:30

"Oh, let's worship him then, shall we? Whoever's here, we'll worship."

0:39:300:39:34

So, the Egyptians did a number of groovy things.

0:39:370:39:40

5,000 years they were there.

0:39:400:39:42

And they invented a language, a language, written up on there.

0:39:420:39:46

And it was a nightmare for newsreaders.

0:39:460:39:49

Here is the news in Egypt.

0:39:510:39:53

Man with a hat, man with a hat, dog.

0:39:530:39:54

Dog with a gun, walking, pig, pig, pig coming, man.

0:39:540:39:58

Duck with a gun, thing, man.

0:39:580:40:01

There's an eyeball walking along.

0:40:010:40:04

Chicken with a banjo. Dog, really powerful dog comes along.

0:40:040:40:07

And the cat got him in an arm lock.

0:40:070:40:11

Three things, big eye, big eye, fish, cat.

0:40:110:40:14

It seems the orgy in the zoo continues into its seventh year.

0:40:140:40:19

That's what I'm guessing.

0:40:200:40:22

Anyway, here's the weather with Janine.

0:40:220:40:25

Thank you. It'll be sunny forever.

0:40:250:40:27

And now, the Greeks.

0:40:300:40:33

So, the Greeks came in, cos the Egyptians all died in a car crash.

0:40:330:40:38

And the Greeks, they had democracy.

0:40:380:40:42

Two Greek words. Demos means people.

0:40:420:40:45

Ocracy is a kind of inflatable cat,

0:40:450:40:48

full of helium. Going, "Vote now, vote now."

0:40:480:40:53

Kind of like Blade Runner, in my mind.

0:40:530:40:57

So, they had democracy, which is great. And it took off, there.

0:40:570:41:01

It flowered through the Roman period. 500 years of democracy.

0:41:010:41:04

-And then it went...

-BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:41:040:41:06

Somewhere around Caesar, the third son of God.

0:41:060:41:08

And they also, not only had that, they had the Spartans.

0:41:130:41:16

The Spartans were... The elite fighters of today are based on the Spartans.

0:41:160:41:20

And the Spartans were just crazy. Get up in the morning.

0:41:200:41:23

HE YAWNS

0:41:230:41:25

Kids! Dad!

0:41:260:41:29

Spears! Aargh!

0:41:290:41:31

Breakfast.

0:41:320:41:35

How many did you get? Got eight?

0:41:350:41:37

I got seven.

0:41:370:41:39

Just mayhem.

0:41:390:41:41

Death by numbers.

0:41:410:41:44

Yeah, the Spartans. The men, of course, were HUH. But the women were also HUH!

0:41:440:41:47

The children were HUH! And the dogs were woof, and the cats were woof.

0:41:470:41:51

The slugs were hehhh.

0:41:510:41:54

And the sheep, shh, silent.

0:41:540:41:57

The most deadly sheep in the world.

0:41:570:41:59

They were the only predator sheep the world has ever known.

0:41:590:42:02

They would wear bandanas, like the kamikaze pilots.

0:42:020:42:05

With ancient sheep runes on them.

0:42:050:42:09

They had not a clue what they meant.

0:42:090:42:11

And they would sneak up on wolves.

0:42:110:42:13

They would creep up in the dead of night.

0:42:130:42:15

Shh. They would never make a bleat.

0:42:150:42:18

The wolves would wake and go, "Sheep!"

0:42:180:42:22

"What? I'm the wolf who cried sheep!"

0:42:220:42:25

And the irony was writ large upon them.

0:42:280:42:31

And the sheep would be in a stand-off with the wolves.

0:42:320:42:34

Cos they knew they were more powerful, but the sheep were brave.

0:42:340:42:37

And the sheep would take a rusty blade and they would say, "Look at this!"

0:42:370:42:41

And they would shear themselves.

0:42:410:42:43

"Come on!"

0:42:460:42:47

"I've got my jacket off now.

0:42:490:42:52

"You want to come outside?"

0:42:520:42:54

And the wolves would go, "We are outside."

0:42:540:42:58

"Let's fight, motherfucker."

0:42:580:42:59

And the wolves would go, "This is not in the book."

0:43:030:43:07

"Grab their clothes and run."

0:43:070:43:09

As the audience realised where the joke was,

0:43:160:43:20

the wolves in sheep's clothing would run down the hill.

0:43:200:43:24

Run into a local market, buy Slurpees, run off and never pay.

0:43:240:43:28

"Hey, I thought they were sheep." "They were wolves in sheep's clothing."

0:43:280:43:32

"I didn't know. New thing to me."

0:43:320:43:36

And it started a whole spate of that, wolves in sheep's clothing, dogs in cats' clothing.

0:43:360:43:40

Pigs in giraffes' clothing.

0:43:400:43:42

Which looked odd.

0:43:420:43:45

And ants in elephants' clothing.

0:43:450:43:47

Which was the biggest bluff of all.

0:43:470:43:49

"Move or we will trample you."

0:43:490:43:52

"You're the flattest elephants I've ever seen."

0:43:520:43:56

"We are covert elephants.

0:43:560:43:58

"Worked for the national secret people.

0:43:580:44:02

"We're taking leaves back to our nests."

0:44:020:44:05

"Elephants don't have nests."

0:44:050:44:08

"Shit.

0:44:090:44:10

"We will trample you

0:44:100:44:14

"with our noses."

0:44:140:44:17

Deezz, said the man.

0:44:170:44:20

Forget that scene.

0:44:230:44:25

I like the scene up to there, but I don't know where it goes after that. Suddenly a cow turned up.

0:44:250:44:30

"Moo." "You again?"

0:44:300:44:34

"Moo."

0:44:340:44:35

"Can you give me lift to the shops?" "Moo."

0:44:350:44:38

"Is that a yes or a no?"

0:44:380:44:40

"Moo." "All right, I'm coming with you."

0:44:450:44:48

"Stop writing on the windows."

0:45:000:45:02

"I thought you just said moo?"

0:45:020:45:04

"Moo."

0:45:050:45:07

Just moving that mime away.

0:45:170:45:18

So, Spartans! They fought the battle of Thermopylae.

0:45:210:45:26

The Battle of Thermopylae, made into a film called On The Good Ship Lollipop.

0:45:260:45:31

That was the first film about it. It's an anagram - On the Good Ship Lollipop, Battle of Thermopylae.

0:45:310:45:36

It's exactly the same letters.

0:45:360:45:38

It's ALMOST exactly the same letters.

0:45:380:45:42

It was a Shirley Temple film. She was in her Jodie Foster Taxi Driver period.

0:45:430:45:48

She was trying to do more edgy children's films.

0:45:480:45:50

But anyway, she wanted... "I want to make film, one about the Spartans.

0:45:500:45:54

"About the Spartans at Thermopylae." They said, all right.

0:45:540:45:56

And it was On the Good Ship Lollipop, and they did that.

0:45:560:45:58

# On the good ship... # Argh!

0:45:580:46:02

Shirley! Spartan!

0:46:050:46:08

# Lollipop... #

0:46:090:46:11

But they tested it on children in America and the children actually exploded.

0:46:140:46:19

Shit, they're going!

0:46:210:46:23

So, they decided to edit all the violence out of the film, and you can't tell.

0:46:230:46:26

If you watch the film, you can't tell, except if you look at Shirley, when

0:46:260:46:30

she turns in a certain light, you can just see a little bit of blood coming out of here, down her chin.

0:46:300:46:35

But the Spartans were crazy. They would oil themselves before battle, so no one could take them alive.

0:46:370:46:41

I got him! Hang on.

0:46:410:46:44

These guys, it's like fighting fish over here, Xerxes.

0:46:470:46:49

Xerxes, put the Scrabble board down, mate.

0:46:490:46:52

Who invented travel Scrabble?

0:46:530:46:55

Come on, we're trying to do something here. These blokes...

0:46:590:47:02

And they were tactically very clever because 300 Spartans against 50,000, 100,000 Persians?

0:47:020:47:07

No one knows how many Persians.

0:47:070:47:09

They now think it could have been all the Persians.

0:47:090:47:12

Persia was empty that day, they believe.

0:47:120:47:14

If you'd walked into Persia, just empty, except for cats and carpets.

0:47:140:47:18

People just helping themselves.

0:47:220:47:24

We're here on the border of Persia and there's just people with carpets...

0:47:240:47:29

and cats trying to protect them.

0:47:300:47:32

Give us a carpet. Get away with a carpet.

0:47:320:47:35

Vote now.

0:47:350:47:38

The Spartans were clever as well, tactically clever.

0:47:380:47:40

They got the Persians to attack them in a very narrow place,

0:47:400:47:42

which was the corridor of a student union party.

0:47:420:47:45

Get our cake mix out the window!

0:47:470:47:49

Take the booze, run!

0:47:490:47:50

Take the Watney's Red Barrel!

0:47:500:47:52

I didn't have that, no. It was more Tennent's.

0:47:550:47:58

Cans of lager.

0:47:580:48:00

Anyway... So, yes, so that was the Spartans.

0:48:000:48:04

Greeks fought in the phalanx. They would have a whole group of people with 20 foot spears.

0:48:040:48:08

You couldn't get at them, they had 20 foot spears.

0:48:080:48:10

Unless one of your group was crazy enough to say, don't worry, I'll lead the way! A-ha!

0:48:100:48:15

Sacrifice himself on the spear.

0:48:170:48:19

Ha ha ha ha!

0:48:190:48:21

Ha ha!

0:48:250:48:26

Argh!

0:48:260:48:28

Oh, God...

0:48:300:48:32

Ha ha ha!

0:48:370:48:40

Whoa hoo!

0:48:400:48:42

Ha! Oh, I can't do that.

0:48:420:48:44

Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

0:48:440:48:48

Shit.

0:48:490:48:51

Ha ha ha ha!

0:48:520:48:54

Ha ha! Argh!

0:48:540:48:57

Ha ha ha.

0:48:570:48:59

Eurgh.

0:48:590:49:00

Hee hee hee hee! Ha ha!

0:49:060:49:09

Told you.

0:49:090:49:11

Extra two foot on my spear.

0:49:110:49:13

God, he's heavy. I'm going to wiggle him off the end.

0:49:150:49:18

Thunk! Thunk! Oh, crap!

0:49:220:49:24

They'll think you're signalling! I'm not, I'm just trying to get

0:49:310:49:34

a dead guy off the end of my spear.

0:49:340:49:37

They'll probably think he's a pole vaulter having a really weird...

0:49:390:49:41

Having a real tough day at the office.

0:49:410:49:43

These gigs are just for me, you realise.

0:49:530:49:56

Come off my spear! Bastard!

0:50:020:50:07

Hang on. OK.

0:50:090:50:11

OK, I can't see anything. I can't see anything.

0:50:110:50:16

Hang on, hang on... OK.

0:50:180:50:21

I'm good.

0:50:210:50:22

Then the Romans came in with a short, pointy sword, turned it sideways and went... Ha ha!

0:50:260:50:29

Hang on, hang on, hang on!

0:50:310:50:33

Welcome to the second line of defence.

0:50:390:50:45

I'm just going to get a sherbet or something.

0:50:450:50:47

The Romans took over everything, they built aqueducts, viaducts.

0:50:480:50:51

They could move ducks around faster than anyone ever had.

0:50:510:50:53

Everyone was confused by this brilliant move

0:50:550:50:58

that meant that ducks were always in difficult places to get at.

0:50:580:51:02

You never knew... Where were these ducks coming from?

0:51:020:51:05

Even the ducks were going, we don't know why we're here.

0:51:050:51:07

And the Roman's going, I think they're supposed to be on water, really.

0:51:070:51:11

And the men seemed to rule the empires.

0:51:110:51:13

In fact, the women ruled the empires with the use of poison.

0:51:130:51:16

And the men would say, I, Lucius, I will kill Gaius Cassius and I will be Emperor of Rome.

0:51:160:51:22

And the women would say, good luck, Lucius, have a peach before you go.

0:51:220:51:25

Thank you, Calpurnia.

0:51:250:51:27

People of Rome...

0:51:270:51:28

Now my young, three-year-old idiot duck son will become...

0:51:310:51:35

Quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack!

0:51:370:51:40

The Romans did a hell of a lot, man.

0:51:430:51:46

They did a hell of a lot, very industrious, very good at killing, death by death.

0:51:460:51:49

Death by killing with big, pointy things.

0:51:510:51:54

They were good at that, but they did this with a language which we know from school is silly.

0:51:540:51:58

It's too bloody complicated.

0:51:580:52:01

It's just got nouns that are masculine, feminine, neuter,

0:52:010:52:04

bisexual, hermaphrodite and straight transvestite.

0:52:040:52:07

They have an accusative, a nominative, a vocative, a locative, an ablative, a dative and genitive.

0:52:070:52:13

Couldn't they have had 19 more?

0:52:130:52:16

I mean why stop at 27?

0:52:160:52:18

I mean, it goes on. If somebody says, do you want a beer?

0:52:180:52:21

You are stuck in the idea of I'm the object, I.

0:52:210:52:25

The beer's the object. No, I want a beer.

0:52:250:52:27

Yes, I do. Yes is affirmative.

0:52:270:52:29

I want affirmative action, but the beer is... You are the object.

0:52:290:52:32

No, the beer is the object. The beer is coming towards me, that's

0:52:320:52:35

a motion towards, so dative has got to be in there somewhere.

0:52:350:52:38

Just mime me an answer. Thumb?

0:52:380:52:42

Yeah, all right, mate.

0:52:420:52:44

How did they get the messages out? When Hannibal attacked through

0:52:440:52:46

Spain, up and over the Alps, how did they get the message out?

0:52:460:52:50

I mean, because Hannibal actually won a whole bunch of battles and maybe that was because they

0:52:500:52:53

just couldn't speak to each other quick enough.

0:52:530:52:55

Messengers running from one battle to another going, Centurion, Centurion!

0:52:550:52:59

Alarum, alarum miserarum.

0:52:590:53:03

Minerarium, miserarium.

0:53:030:53:05

Alarum miserarium.

0:53:050:53:07

Touten de soldatens, errr...

0:53:070:53:11

Mourati on the party.

0:53:110:53:15

Quod the fuck is the...

0:53:150:53:18

Quod erat demonstrandum?

0:53:180:53:20

Ich bin messengare.

0:53:220:53:24

Si, naturellement.

0:53:240:53:25

Und ich couriere nach here from a long way away

0:53:280:53:32

mit newsum tres mauvaises de le battle arium, the battalium,

0:53:320:53:38

the pugnacco of the peoples and the tuti of the mutis

0:53:380:53:44

on the booties.

0:53:440:53:47

Quod the fuck are you talking about here?

0:53:470:53:49

It's difficlarium.

0:53:510:53:53

Hannibal! Hannibal?

0:53:530:53:56

Hannibal? Si, Hannibal!

0:53:560:53:58

Oh, didus knock mentanatem Hannibal?

0:53:580:54:01

Si, si, Generalissimo Hannibal.

0:54:010:54:03

Hannibal? C'est tres dangereux! Si.

0:54:030:54:05

Er kommt, mein Herr.

0:54:050:54:07

Arriverarm, arrivederci?

0:54:100:54:12

No. Arriveramus?

0:54:120:54:14

Is... Veni, vidi, vici! Veni, vidi, vici?

0:54:160:54:20

Si, veni, vidi, vici. Hannibal.

0:54:200:54:22

Mit soldates?

0:54:220:54:23

Si, mit soldates.

0:54:230:54:25

No, tout seul, bucket and spade on holiday, I think.

0:54:250:54:30

Naturellement mit soldates, mit total soldates.

0:54:300:54:33

Multo soldates, infinitata soldates.

0:54:330:54:36

Infinidate soldates is mathemelaticus totally impossibiliatus.

0:54:360:54:40

No, ask Pythagoratus.

0:54:440:54:49

Yes, ist te truthum.

0:54:490:54:51

Is the veritum.

0:54:510:54:55

Pi?

0:54:550:54:57

Danke schoen.

0:54:570:54:59

Have you tried just not cooking this?

0:55:050:55:07

C'est pas mal, c'est pas mal, mate.

0:55:110:55:13

Rhetorical...

0:55:130:55:15

Gas markum quoi?

0:55:150:55:17

Gas markum 3.141.

0:55:190:55:22

Aah!

0:55:220:55:25

It's a jokum, it's a jokum.

0:55:250:55:27

He's a funny lad. Ha ha ha!

0:55:270:55:30

High fives, Pythagoratus.

0:55:300:55:33

Square of the hypotenuse.

0:55:330:55:36

Have you finished? No!

0:55:360:55:40

Because cette fois

0:55:400:55:42

Hannibal is coming round the mountain when he comes.

0:55:440:55:47

Is coming round the mountains when he comes.

0:55:490:55:51

Coming round the mountains? Coming round the mountains?

0:55:510:55:53

Coming round the mountains when he comes.

0:55:530:55:57

Singing...

0:55:570:55:59

An tik tika tika bong, tika pok tika ding, tika ding dang doh, ee tika tika tika taki di bong.

0:55:590:56:06

Mit pink pyjamas?

0:56:070:56:10

Kein pink pyjamas.

0:56:100:56:12

Cette fois er kommt mit elephantein.

0:56:120:56:15

Elephantein?

0:56:160:56:18

What the fuck elephantein erat?

0:56:180:56:20

Elephantein tres dangereux.

0:56:200:56:22

Elephantein tres mysteriosum.

0:56:220:56:24

Front part is elephantain and is similaris con ein squirrel.

0:56:240:56:28

Hey, man, don't take the piss out of me.

0:56:300:56:34

I'm just here, you know,

0:56:340:56:36

looking for my wife.

0:56:360:56:39

Have you seen a boat?

0:56:390:56:42

Imaginatus maximum squirrel upside downus, back to frontus.

0:56:430:56:47

Tailum ist nosum.

0:56:470:56:49

Tailum ist nosum.

0:56:490:56:51

Back part is elephantein is smilarus con a magnus pigus. Bigus pigus.

0:56:540:57:00

Bike pump.

0:57:000:57:02

Attachum mit duct tape.

0:57:020:57:04

That is elephantein.

0:57:040:57:05

Das ist elephantein?

0:57:050:57:07

Run, motherfucker!

0:57:070:57:08

It's too big, too long.

0:57:130:57:15

All that takes far too long and Hannibal would overrun them and kill them all and set up a charity.

0:57:170:57:23

English is good. It's taken off because it's such a simple language at its base level.

0:57:230:57:28

Hannibal's coming! Hannibal? What with? Soldiers. How many? Tons.

0:57:280:57:32

What else? Elephants. What are they? Pigs and squirrels. Run!

0:57:320:57:34

The English have gone, the English have gone.

0:57:360:57:40

Oh, God, they had such a quick language.

0:57:400:57:43

You have to have a tea party to work out the Latin stuff.

0:57:430:57:45

Yes, we got rid of one of our yous. We had two yous, we got rid of one.

0:57:450:57:49

The whole familiar you. Aren't you my father?

0:57:490:57:52

And the unfamiliar you. Who the fuck are you guys?

0:57:520:57:55

So, we got rid of the first one. That was all the thee and the thou one that the Pilgrims used.

0:57:580:58:02

Wouldst thee, wouldst thou, would thee, thy, thum...

0:58:020:58:06

Wouldst thou? Thou wilt disagree.

0:58:060:58:08

Thou wilt have a bad time over the fact that thou didst send us away.

0:58:080:58:12

Why don't you all just go?

0:58:120:58:15

Go and hang in the middle of the country.

0:58:150:58:18

So, yeah. The Romans all died

0:58:180:58:22

in a chariot crash and then

0:58:220:58:25

Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18...scritty swam swums.

0:58:260:58:30

And that book was an interesting book because it was called, Monkey,

0:58:320:58:35

Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, You!

0:58:350:58:38

And, you know, it just took off

0:58:410:58:47

like wildfire and it caused an outrage in the monkey kingdom.

0:58:470:58:52

Monkeys were furious about it.

0:58:520:58:54

Oh, God, they were flinging poo at electrical fans that had been specially set up for the occasion.

0:58:540:59:00

Because the shit hits the fan is a saying that is post electricity.

0:59:000:59:04

Pre electricity it's just...

0:59:040:59:06

Did you just throw a poo at my fan?

0:59:090:59:11

What's the point of that?

0:59:130:59:15

You want me to switch the electricity on?

0:59:150:59:18

Well, we've only just had it wired up.

0:59:180:59:20

I don't see what a...

0:59:200:59:23

Oh, I see, yes, yes.

0:59:230:59:26

Yes, the shit has certainly hit the fan now.

0:59:260:59:29

Before electricity all they had was, then the shit will really hit the Archimedes screw.

0:59:320:59:38

Much slower.

0:59:390:59:41

So, yes... So, that was it, evolution, evolution.

0:59:410:59:47

And we have evolution all the way from the beginning up to now,

0:59:470:59:50

including all of us, the genetics that go through us, the inbreeding, non inbreeding, the Royal family.

0:59:500:59:56

Well, it's good that the Royal Family...

0:59:561:00:00

They shouldn't have sex with people. The idea of being commoners...

1:00:001:00:02

We have an idea of commoners. Commoners is a horrible word.

1:00:021:00:04

I think it should be real people.

1:00:041:00:07

That's what the House of Commons should be, the House of Real People.

1:00:071:00:10

And the commoners, they're the real people, you see?

1:00:101:00:13

So, the Queen Mother, she was always crazy.

1:00:131:00:15

She was shot out of a cannon for her funeral, as you know.

1:00:151:00:19

That was her dying wish, shoot me out of a cannon.

1:00:191:00:22

It was kind of a Robin Hood thing going on there.

1:00:241:00:27

Because she was a Scottish lady, oh, yes.

1:00:271:00:29

She was. You never heard her speak.

1:00:291:00:31

Do you remember? The last 40 years, you never heard a word,

1:00:311:00:34

but she was there going, "Will you shoot me out of a cannon? Come on.

1:00:341:00:37

"I'd like to see the Solent one more time before I land on the Isle of Wight.

1:00:371:00:42

"Come on, you fucker,

1:00:421:00:44

"give us a break."

1:00:441:00:46

Something like that.

1:00:461:00:48

But the Queen, I just have a problem with monarchy, because

1:00:481:00:51

obviously in the third millennium hereditary privilege is insane.

1:00:511:00:55

Yes, I hear your silent yes.

1:00:551:00:56

Hereditary privilege? How do you explain that to children?

1:00:561:01:00

Why do some people live in fantastic houses and we give them cash out of our taxes?

1:01:001:01:06

Because, errr...

1:01:071:01:10

I don't know, that's a good question, small child. Yes.

1:01:101:01:15

Well, it is an interesting question. You know, it's got to change.

1:01:181:01:21

I think Charlie's doing something, you know, he's doing organic farming, he's doing stuff.

1:01:211:01:26

The charity he does is good.

1:01:261:01:28

Some of the kids are doing stuff, but Liz and Phil, Liz and Phil haven't done anything.

1:01:281:01:31

Liz and Phil just sat there. Because they got in at '52 and then

1:01:311:01:34

immediately the Queen introduced the new...

1:01:341:01:36

Then in the '60s, the Queen decided to change the way that...

1:01:391:01:43

And she encouraged people to...

1:01:431:01:45

And in the '70s, she completely redistributed...

1:01:451:01:49

And realised she had too much wealth, so she decided to...

1:01:491:01:52

Then in the '80s they set up a charity to do...

1:01:541:01:58

And then they encouraged other people to...

1:01:581:02:01

And in the '90s, they just totally relaxed, and they said, everyone, why don't you...

1:02:011:02:05

And then in the 2000s they've set a great example by...

1:02:061:02:09

Stop me at any point.

1:02:171:02:19

I think she's got 20 years left. She's in there, but she essentially does what she does on the stamps.

1:02:211:02:26

Do something! Just do something!

1:02:301:02:33

Open your house up! Give all your houses away! Change something!

1:02:331:02:36

Do something! Change your hair. Smoke a cigarette. Drive a car.

1:02:361:02:40

Wave a bit. Fucking wave. Where's the fucking wave?

1:02:401:02:44

We pay good money, we want some fucking waving.

1:02:441:02:46

Got cash, got cash, do waves.

1:02:521:02:56

Don't you think?

1:02:561:02:57

Anyway, so, evolution.

1:03:001:03:02

We can see evolution with fish. Fish swim in the sea, they're very thin, they breathe through their necks

1:03:021:03:08

and they just seem to be...

1:03:081:03:11

They have very short memories, I believe, fish, and so they seem

1:03:111:03:15

to just be going, oh, oh, oh, oh...

1:03:151:03:17

As if someone's just told them, you realise you're fish and you have very short memories.

1:03:171:03:21

Oh. Oh.

1:03:211:03:24

Oh.

1:03:241:03:26

Oh, I didn't realise.

1:03:261:03:28

Oh, no.

1:03:281:03:30

And then the mudskipper is a fish that walks along on its legs.

1:03:301:03:34

You can see the evolution with the mudskipper going along.

1:03:341:03:36

And if you look right deep into his eyes you can see him going, I'm almost there, I'm almost there.

1:03:361:03:40

One day I'll have a house and a Ferrari.

1:03:401:03:43

I'll work on the Stock Exchange and lose loads of money down a toilet.

1:03:451:03:49

And then fish fly!

1:03:521:03:54

Fish fly in the sky. They must be up there going, oh! Oh, wow!

1:03:541:03:58

And then they must stop in trees occasionally and go, oh.

1:03:581:04:01

And then birds are in trees, they're going, who the fuck are you guys?

1:04:011:04:05

Oh, no.

1:04:051:04:07

Oh, oh.

1:04:071:04:09

We're birds, we eat fish. Oh, crap.

1:04:091:04:13

Oh.

1:04:131:04:15

Fly, Freddie, fly!

1:04:151:04:17

Have you ever seen birds chasing fish in the air?

1:04:201:04:22

It just looks so... You go, I got to have a drink, that's weird.

1:04:221:04:25

So, that's the fish side, that's evolution.

1:04:271:04:30

Then on the creation side, God got the world and he went, boom!

1:04:301:04:34

There it is, it's blue, don't fuck it up.

1:04:341:04:37

Can't stand the man.

1:04:401:04:42

We don't know what that means. It's just funny, but we don't know why.

1:04:441:04:50

But, no, he didn't do it in one go.

1:04:501:04:51

Which, I think, why take six days over it?

1:04:511:04:54

Why not just go, boom! He did it six days with one day for prayer.

1:04:541:04:56

Why not do two seconds, boomba!

1:04:561:04:59

Fazoom! And then you've got seven days for prayer.

1:04:591:05:02

And they could just be up there going, God, you're really great, you're really fantastic.

1:05:021:05:07

Dear God, we thank you, especially for what you did on Tuesday.

1:05:071:05:09

That was really... Was it Tuesday?

1:05:091:05:11

No, never. That's right.

1:05:111:05:13

You never wake up and you hear, God's given everyone an extra banana. What a wonderful day it is!

1:05:131:05:18

Extra banana for everyone.

1:05:181:05:20

Never.

1:05:201:05:22

Anyway, six days of making the Earth, like he's making a train set for his kids.

1:05:221:05:27

After a while, small animals will be following going, who are you?

1:05:291:05:33

I'm God. Why are you taking so long?

1:05:331:05:37

We've got no food.

1:05:371:05:39

All right, I'll make you food.

1:05:391:05:41

Sorry about that. What are you, badgers? Squirrels?

1:05:411:05:44

Chicken?

1:05:441:05:46

We eat nuts, man.

1:05:481:05:50

Have you seen a boat?

1:05:501:05:52

Haven't made them yet.

1:05:521:05:54

Well, what am I doing here?

1:05:541:05:56

Right, badgers. Badgers eat bok choy.

1:05:561:05:59

No, we don't.

1:06:011:06:03

Not eating that. It's supposed to be pak choi, anyway.

1:06:051:06:07

It's called bok choy. Pak choi. Mandarin. Cantonese.

1:06:071:06:10

Not eating it. All right, sprouting broccoli.

1:06:141:06:18

Ugh!

1:06:181:06:20

Holy crap,

1:06:221:06:25

I see badgers can be choosers.

1:06:251:06:27

What?

1:06:311:06:33

What, you've heard too many bok choy, pak choi, sprouting broccoli,

1:06:331:06:37

badger creationist jokes this week?

1:06:371:06:40

Oh, yeah, up to here, every other person saying them.

1:06:401:06:43

Can't... Just wading through them this Christmas.

1:06:431:06:47

That old chestnut.

1:06:471:06:50

Didn't the Greeks use that one?

1:06:501:06:52

Fuck off.

1:06:521:06:54

All right, Mr Badger,

1:06:571:06:59

creme brulee you shall eat.

1:06:591:07:01

Creme brulee? That's hardly brulee, that's singed.

1:07:011:07:04

All right, that's creme flambee now.

1:07:071:07:09

Creme brulee, creme flambee, where did you learn French?

1:07:091:07:12

While you were pissing about making the Earth.

1:07:121:07:15

I was on Rosetta Stone.

1:07:151:07:17

We were all sitting around there going,

1:07:191:07:21

La chaise est sur l'elephant.

1:07:211:07:25

I don't know what he's talking about.

1:07:251:07:28

Day one

1:07:301:07:32

in the giant squid diaries.

1:07:321:07:34

Nothing, it's a void. Day three, isn't it?

1:07:361:07:39

Shit, running out of ink.

1:07:391:07:41

Why, why, why? There's no water yet.

1:07:411:07:44

Bugger, bugger. All right.

1:07:441:07:46

Give me another Letts diary, will you?

1:07:461:07:48

Do you remember those?

1:07:491:07:52

Every Christmas you get your Letts diary.

1:07:521:07:54

You fill in just the first six days and then blank.

1:07:541:07:58

Did everyone do that? Then about June you'd rediscover it and start filling it in again.

1:07:591:08:03

Then you'd backfill it with lessons.

1:08:031:08:06

OK, I saw one kid doing that.

1:08:071:08:09

Anyway, creationism has turned, through the mind of a Sarah Palin, into intelligent design.

1:08:121:08:17

And I have two problems with intelligent design.

1:08:171:08:19

One is the intelligence part of it, and the other is the design part of it.

1:08:191:08:23

Because, you know, there's some things which are wonderful

1:08:231:08:26

and some things that are horrible, disgusting.

1:08:261:08:29

Cancer. Intelligent design, or just weird fucking stuff going on?

1:08:291:08:32

Cholera, all those things.

1:08:321:08:35

If we were God for half an hour, we would ban poo and pee.

1:08:351:08:38

Why do we have poo and pee? You say, oh, waste products. Why not just eat food and do stuff?

1:08:381:08:43

There's no logic to waste products.

1:08:431:08:45

Just efficient use of energy.

1:08:451:08:47

Eat it and boom, go do stuff. Poo and pee causes all those... Coughs and sneezes spread diseases.

1:08:471:08:52

All the poo and peeing diseases, cholera, all that...

1:08:521:08:54

Out the window, if we were God.

1:08:541:08:57

And then you'd say, you might need the poo for crops. Well, no, the crops grow because of sunlight.

1:08:571:09:00

Or because they want to.

1:09:001:09:03

Remember, you're God.

1:09:031:09:05

So the appendix, it sits next to your oesophagus your entire life going, any grass?

1:09:061:09:10

ls that grass, mate? ls that grass?

1:09:101:09:12

What's that, bok choi? No?

1:09:121:09:14

Arsehole. What's that, spinach?

1:09:141:09:19

Well, do you want... Forget it.

1:09:191:09:22

No, it's horrible. I don't want to touch it.

1:09:221:09:24

We've got an appendix here, but forget it.

1:09:241:09:26

Asparagus! That's like grass, isn't it?

1:09:261:09:28

Big grass? Big grass, mate? Do you want to run it through me and Jimbo?

1:09:281:09:32

Machine? One careful owner.

1:09:321:09:34

This is insane. I'm calling Intelligent Design.

1:09:341:09:39

Intelligent Design? Yeah, it's the appendix. Yes, the appendix.

1:09:421:09:47

Any news?

1:09:471:09:50

Well, what the fuck are we doing?

1:09:501:09:53

Did you put us here on duty to deal with the grass?

1:09:531:09:55

I mean, it doesn't eat grass.

1:09:551:09:57

Haven't you noticed?

1:09:571:09:59

it might be evolution.

1:09:591:10:01

Yeah, well, it might be, motherfucker.

1:10:031:10:07

We don't want to be here. We're just sitting here, doing nothing.

1:10:071:10:09

We want to be somewhere else. Where?

1:10:091:10:12

Er... We want to be in the back of books.

1:10:141:10:17

You put an appendix in the back of books.

1:10:221:10:24

Go on, put it there, and then, we don't want page numbers, we want Roman numerals.

1:10:241:10:29

Real teeny, tiny ones.

1:10:291:10:32

And then we want endless lists of rubbish that no-one ever reads.

1:10:321:10:35

Or, they'd read two or three of them and then go, oh, this is crap.

1:10:351:10:38

And then they go back. You do that.

1:10:381:10:40

Otherwise... Otherwise we will explode.

1:10:401:10:43

Your appendix explodes, just like John Hurt in the film Alien when that thing comes out.

1:10:481:10:51

And that looks like an appendix with teeth.

1:10:511:10:54

Your appendix very rarely gets huge and eats the rest of your crew. That's true.

1:10:541:11:00

But that's it. Cows have four stomachs.

1:11:001:11:01

Why do they have four stomachs? Why not one stomach?

1:11:011:11:04

Why don't they do it like us, just eat stuff and then poo or pee?

1:11:041:11:07

They have four crappy stomachs, or useless stomachs.

1:11:071:11:11

They eat food, it comes back up, they chew it again, it goes back down. It comes back up.

1:11:111:11:14

It keeps going up and down.

1:11:141:11:16

By the fourth stomach, surely it's coming up and they're going...

1:11:161:11:19

This did not need to come back up.

1:11:241:11:26

This should have gone the other way.

1:11:281:11:30

I now understand "shit-eating grin". I know what it is.

1:11:341:11:37

Should be shit-eating grimace.

1:11:371:11:40

Cows should be in corners of fields going...

1:11:421:11:46

Never see that. Or they should be in cars going, moo.

1:11:521:11:54

We like him.

1:11:581:12:00

Moo.

1:12:011:12:03

Cow and raptor.

1:12:031:12:06

Cow, raptor.

1:12:061:12:08

Moo.

1:12:081:12:11

Go, cow, go. Moo.

1:12:111:12:13

Put all the moo in the bag.

1:12:131:12:16

Got lots of moo.

1:12:161:12:18

What the fuck is moo?

1:12:201:12:22

I think it's air.

1:12:221:12:24

Work on the first draft of this script.

1:12:271:12:30

So, I think we look for rules to live our lives.

1:12:301:12:34

And I decided to take all the religions in the world and all the philosophies,

1:12:341:12:37

because I think religions are philosophies with an extra top coat of mystical things, you know.

1:12:371:12:42

Stuff for people living in trees. Or clouds.

1:12:421:12:45

Or trees.

1:12:451:12:46

If a god lived in a tree that wouldn't work, would it?

1:12:461:12:48

I am a god. You're living in a tree.

1:12:481:12:52

You're like a bird, aren't you?

1:12:521:12:54

Yeah.

1:12:541:12:56

But... Oh, bugger.

1:12:561:12:59

What I chose from all the religions and faiths in the world, and I decided to try and live...

1:12:591:13:04

You know, you want some rule, direction to live your life by.

1:13:041:13:07

And "do unto others as you would have others do unto you"

1:13:071:13:09

seems to be one thing you can just grab hold of and is really good.

1:13:091:13:13

And it's not perfect, and you're going to be grumpy at people, or

1:13:131:13:15

shouting or whatever, but if you try that one, I think it's really good.

1:13:151:13:18

And you don't need anything else.

1:13:181:13:20

And then there's the Ten Commandments. Now, that's a lot of commandments.

1:13:201:13:23

I think humans, we like simplistic.

1:13:231:13:25

But anyway, Moses, charismatic individual, mentioned in the Bible, mentioned outside the Bible.

1:13:251:13:28

Grew up as an ancient Egyptian, which means he was an Egyptian who was really old at the age of three.

1:13:281:13:34

Oh, yes.

1:13:341:13:36

Come over here, young man.

1:13:361:13:38

Excited, are we?

1:13:381:13:39

He would say. And, so, he was actually a Hebrew person who was smuggled in and adopted.

1:13:411:13:47

And all the Hebrew people were enslaved in Egypt at that time

1:13:471:13:51

because they were there on holiday and it all went pear-shaped.

1:13:511:13:55

And Moses grew up and he killed a slave owner

1:13:551:13:58

and he rushed off and hid and became a shepherd to get out of...

1:13:581:14:02

being sent... Put on trial, whatever it was.

1:14:021:14:05

And while he was up on the mountain with his sheep, a bush caught fire.

1:14:051:14:09

And he said, right, come on, sheep, get out of here. It's looking kind of biblical around here.

1:14:091:14:13

And the bush said, Moses, Moses, come back here.

1:14:131:14:17

And he said, hang on, sheep, just wait. What is it?

1:14:171:14:20

Moses, you must leave this place.

1:14:201:14:22

I was leaving when you called me back.

1:14:221:14:26

What the bloody hell do... No, I mean you must leave this place

1:14:261:14:29

in the short to mid-term future, on a geopolitical basis.

1:14:291:14:34

For fuck's sake, you're a very complicated bush.

1:14:341:14:37

We're not used to that round here.

1:14:371:14:39

So, yes. He ran over to the sheep.

1:14:391:14:42

It's a slow burn, he said to the sheep.

1:14:451:14:47

Look, sheep. I got to go. Get out of Dodge City.

1:14:471:14:50

You lads, you get out of here. Run, you run from here.

1:14:501:14:53

I have to go and do things. So you run and you find the Spartan sheep.

1:14:531:14:56

They will train you to be ninjas.

1:14:561:14:57

They will train you to be kamikaze. That's not really useful.

1:14:571:15:01

That's a kind of...thing.

1:15:031:15:06

All right, forget it, it's too complicated. What?

1:15:061:15:08

Moo.

1:15:081:15:10

You're mooing, sheep. You must find the Spartan sheep.

1:15:101:15:13

They will train you to become leaders of sheep.

1:15:131:15:16

And I'll meet you in the final scene.

1:15:161:15:19

OK.

1:15:191:15:21

So he runs off. He goes down to his friends and says, come on, lads,

1:15:211:15:24

we'll get all the Hebrew people and leave this desert.

1:15:241:15:27

Let's go to a desert.

1:15:271:15:30

Yeah, change is as good as a rest.

1:15:301:15:33

I want to go to Surrey. No, it's a bit rainy there.

1:15:331:15:36

Let's go to the desert.

1:15:381:15:40

He says, let's go tonight, under the cover of frogs.

1:15:401:15:42

So... Cos there were ten plagues that landed on Egypt.

1:15:421:15:46

And, you know, there's a plague of flies.

1:15:461:15:49

Plague of locusts.

1:15:491:15:50

And a plague of frogs was one of the weirdest plagues I've ever heard of.

1:15:501:15:55

If that came from God, he had lost his marbles.

1:15:551:15:58

Because a plague of frogs is not a plague, is it?

1:15:581:16:00

It's just a lot of frogs.

1:16:001:16:02

It's more frogs than usual.

1:16:021:16:05

To be a plague, you have to be able to go, the flies, the flies!

1:16:051:16:09

The locusts, the locusts!

1:16:091:16:11

And you're never going, the frogs, the frogs! I'm drowning in frogs!

1:16:111:16:16

Help me, Mama, help me! Pull Jimby out of the fil...

1:16:161:16:19

Out of the frog pit.

1:16:191:16:21

The pit of frogs.

1:16:211:16:23

The frogs have got him. Don't lick their backs.

1:16:231:16:25

Who came up with a hallucinogenic back of a toad? Was that God on crack cocaine?

1:16:261:16:31

Look. Beezus, just look at this.

1:16:311:16:33

Beezus, lick the back of that.

1:16:331:16:35

Lick that. Lick the back of that toad.

1:16:351:16:37

Lick the back of that toad.

1:16:371:16:39

Dad, you've said that for half an hour now.

1:16:391:16:42

Beezus, you're covered in something. What, Dad?

1:16:421:16:46

Wow, this is really good toad.

1:16:471:16:50

This is a good year. What year is this? Nothing 27.

1:16:501:16:53

Wow, excellent toad year.

1:16:531:16:55

Toads came up with the line, you lick my back, and I'll lick yours.

1:16:561:17:00

If he created a frog plague, then he must have been going, all right,

1:17:001:17:05

Tesus, Beezus, Desus, Elsus, I want another plague. You've had ten, Dad.

1:17:051:17:09

Well, you've had nine. This'll be the tenth.

1:17:091:17:12

You had a plague of toads, and a plague of helicopters, a plague of

1:17:121:17:15

people with weird haircuts, plague of dripping.

1:17:151:17:19

The dripping, the dripping.

1:17:191:17:23

But there's no bread.

1:17:231:17:26

I want another plague.

1:17:271:17:29

Who are those green lads over there?

1:17:291:17:31

They're frogs, they're playing canasta, world championship.

1:17:311:17:34

Who's winning?

1:17:341:17:36

Frogs are, 2-1.

1:17:361:17:37

Who are they playing? Other frogs.

1:17:371:17:41

Put them in a DC-9, I want them down.

1:17:411:17:44

Great Pharaoh, huge, green monsters are falling from the...

1:17:441:17:47

Small green monsters, quite small.

1:17:471:17:50

Just frogs.

1:17:501:17:52

Ribbet!

1:17:521:17:54

So they strapped them to their heads and they ran and ran.

1:17:541:17:56

There's frogs escaping. It's OK.

1:17:561:17:58

And they go up through... And they went through the Red Sea, cos a giant squid held the water back.

1:17:581:18:01

Go on, good luck, good luck.

1:18:011:18:03

Giant squid's diary, day 3,009, helped the frogs.

1:18:031:18:07

No. Helped the Hebrew people get out

1:18:091:18:12

of Egypt.

1:18:121:18:14

Running out of bloody ink again.

1:18:141:18:17

Got a biro.

1:18:171:18:18

Helped the Hebrew people to escape under the cover of frogs.

1:18:201:18:23

Was glad to help. Links with Noah.

1:18:231:18:27

Saw Mr Squirrel again. It was hell in there, man.

1:18:271:18:31

We were enslaved. Squirrels were enslaved. For what? I don't know.

1:18:311:18:35

I'm going to marry a chicken.

1:18:401:18:42

So then they wandered in the desert for 40 years.

1:18:431:18:46

And if I was with that group, after 23 years,

1:18:461:18:49

I would have turned to them and said, what the fuck is going on?

1:18:491:18:53

23 years just wandering in the desert.

1:18:531:18:56

I'll give you 17 more years and that's it.

1:18:561:18:59

And after 17 years, 30 years, 40 years, and after 40 years,

1:19:001:19:05

there are obviously people going mad, going crazy.

1:19:051:19:08

They're going, I'm going to have sex with my foot. I'm going to eat balloons till I explode.

1:19:081:19:14

I'm going to set fire to my buttocks.

1:19:141:19:16

I'm going to staple my toes to a tractor.

1:19:161:19:19

I'm going to fill myself with sand and sell myself to a taxidermist.

1:19:191:19:23

And Moses said, look, you can't do this. This is insane.

1:19:251:19:28

You can't. There are rules.

1:19:281:19:30

There are no rules!

1:19:301:19:32

All right, I'll get 10.

1:19:321:19:34

So he runs off and comes back.

1:19:341:19:37

All right, here they are. Rule one, never piss in a toaster.

1:19:371:19:40

Never eat barbed wire.

1:19:401:19:42

Don't call yourself Mr Jimjams.

1:19:421:19:45

Never scrape your brain with the back of a comb.

1:19:471:19:51

Don't put your toes in a fire.

1:19:511:19:53

Never Sellotape your eyelids to your mother's.

1:19:531:19:57

What? These aren't rules. You just made these up on the way back from the hill.

1:19:581:20:03

I couldn't find any ones with...

1:20:031:20:05

Oh, I'll get better ones.

1:20:051:20:07

Two hours later, he comes back.

1:20:071:20:10

All right, here we are. Always keep quiet. Run up a tree if you see anyone.

1:20:101:20:13

Keep your tail clean. Keep your nuts and your make-up in a hole in the tree.

1:20:131:20:18

This is...

1:20:181:20:20

These are squirrel rules.

1:20:231:20:25

"Hey, man.

1:20:261:20:28

"Don't have a go at us. We've got good rules.

1:20:281:20:31

"We know what we're doing, man.

1:20:311:20:33

"This is my chicken."

1:20:331:20:34

TRUMPET NOISES

1:20:351:20:38

"Who are these people? They're not Hebrew squirrels and chickens."

1:20:481:20:52

"They're with the band."

1:20:521:20:54

So, yes... So then

1:20:571:21:01

they said to him, "Look, Moses, we want real rules, rules you can write on rock.

1:21:011:21:05

"The three Rs."

1:21:051:21:07

So, he said, "All right, I'll go get them."

1:21:071:21:09

As the audience work that joke out, he ran away.

1:21:091:21:13

And he was away for months, two months, long time,

1:21:131:21:17

must have been, because by the time he returned, they had smelted metal.

1:21:171:21:22

That's a Discovery Channel programme thing.

1:21:221:21:25

Smelting metal?

1:21:251:21:27

"Oh, he's not coming back. He was probably eaten by bears.

1:21:271:21:30

"Let's smelt metal.

1:21:301:21:33

"Let's make a cast-iron version of a God."

1:21:331:21:37

And it never works. It's very difficult to make a proper mould and get it all working out.

1:21:371:21:40

Especially in the desert after 40 years.

1:21:401:21:42

Pour it out and go, "There, a golden calf."

1:21:421:21:45

"Looks like a badger whose head's exploded."

1:21:451:21:48

"That's a stoat covered in sick."

1:21:481:21:51

"That's a man who's eaten too many balloons."

1:21:511:21:54

"Whatever it is, he's called Jimbo, and we're worshipping him.

1:21:541:21:58

"We worship thee, oh, Jimbo. Please bring us kazoos on the hour, every hour."

1:21:581:22:03

And then Moses returned.

1:22:031:22:05

He was furious and he smashed the tablets of stone on the ground and said, "What are you doing?"

1:22:051:22:10

And they all went, "Doo-doo-doo-doo."

1:22:101:22:16

He said, "You call those kazoos?

1:22:161:22:19

"Cos no-one recognised the sound."

1:22:201:22:22

"They never do, great Moses. For some reason, that joke always screws up at that point.

1:22:261:22:32

"We can't do kazoo sounds."

1:22:321:22:34

"Don't practise now, they're filming."

1:22:371:22:40

"The force is with them."

1:22:481:22:50

"With them?" "Yeah."

1:22:501:22:52

"Look, I've got rules.

1:22:531:22:55

"Rock rules. Rules written on rock."

1:22:551:22:58

And he had the Ten Commandments, but you don't need them, because the one - "Do unto others"

1:22:581:23:01

- is a self-policing rule.

1:23:011:23:03

Thou shalt not kill. Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you.

1:23:031:23:06

Would you like others to kill you? Probably not.

1:23:061:23:10

So, don't kill other people. Would you like your stuff being stolen?

1:23:101:23:13

Probably not. So don't steal other people's.

1:23:131:23:15

It's self-policing.

1:23:151:23:16

So, those are the two main ones, and then there's other ones like,

1:23:161:23:20

Don't put your knitting on the stage, Mrs Worthington. Or something.

1:23:201:23:24

Never Sellotape your hair to a tractor. These things.

1:23:241:23:27

And there's one in there that's just completely bonkers.

1:23:271:23:30

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox.

1:23:301:23:34

What?

1:23:341:23:37

Was that all the rage?

1:23:371:23:40

Were people going, "Oh, my God. Have you seen Steve's ox?

1:23:411:23:44

Oh." "What? Where?" "Don't look now.

1:23:461:23:48

It's a genius ox. It's the most amazing ox I've ever seen.

1:23:481:23:52

Oh, it's brilliant.

1:23:521:23:54

It was on Top Ox. You know Top Gear? Top Ox."

1:23:541:24:00

"This ox can go 0-50 in under a year.

1:24:001:24:03

"It is the most amazingly sleek, built by the Germans, you can hang your washing between his ears,

1:24:031:24:09

"he really has the biggest face this side of Christendom.

1:24:091:24:12

"This is one motherfucker of an ox."

1:24:121:24:16

Why were people coveting oxes?

1:24:161:24:19

It isn't thou shalt not steal the ox or eat the ox or set fire to the ox or have sex with the ox.

1:24:191:24:23

It's just covet the ox. It's just wanting the ox.

1:24:231:24:25

How do you have an ox market? How do you sell oxes if no-one wants them?

1:24:251:24:29

Any trade will not work if no-one can covet anything.

1:24:291:24:33

It must have been weird, people saying, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox."

1:24:331:24:37

"He's not my neighbour, he lives across the road at number 23.

1:24:371:24:40

"I'm off on a technicality."

1:24:401:24:42

I used to say it's, Thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's ox.

1:24:421:24:46

And that makes more sense, because you can't find your bloody ox.

1:24:461:24:51

"Where's my ox?

1:24:511:24:53

"I can't bloody find the ox now.

1:24:531:24:55

"I was in it. Jim, have you seen my ox?

1:24:551:24:57

"I can't bloody see him anywhere.

1:24:571:24:59

"Someone's just run off with my ox.

1:24:591:25:02

"Where's your duvet?

1:25:021:25:04

"You've lost a duvet, I've lost an ox.

1:25:051:25:07

"There's an ox and duvet stealer going around. I'm going to tell the local...

1:25:071:25:11

"Hang on. Look, here's your duvet.

1:25:111:25:14

"It's moving.

1:25:141:25:16

"Jimbo?

1:25:161:25:19

"You covered up my ox!

1:25:191:25:22

"You covered my ox. Thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's ox, and I'm your bloody neighbour!

1:25:221:25:27

"You're going to go to hell for this."

1:25:271:25:30

Finally tonight, in 1969, the Americans landed on the moon, and I can prove it.

1:25:301:25:36

Because the Russians were also trying to get to the moon.

1:25:361:25:37

Russians had the first satellite in space, the first man in space,

1:25:371:25:39

the first woman in space, the first orbit in space, first space-walk.

1:25:391:25:42

A load of firsts in there, very good, well done to them.

1:25:421:25:45

And they didn't get to the moon first. I'm not sure if it was money or what

1:25:451:25:50

the reason was, but they were sending an

1:25:501:25:51

unmanned probe there, so they would have taken photographs.

1:25:511:25:55

And if the Americans had not gone, they would have

1:25:551:25:56

said, "You did not go, we have photographs, we have videotape, it's a book, two syllables.

1:25:561:26:01

"Come, scientists of the world, we will show you proof."

1:26:011:26:05

Six times they could have proved it.

1:26:051:26:07

It was the Russians, they weren't getting on with the Americans at the time.

1:26:071:26:10

So... A bit like now. So, yes, they did go to the moon, and

1:26:101:26:16

I had a lot invested in that as a child in Bishop's Stortford, watching.

1:26:161:26:18

I didn't live there, but I just thought, "I'll go to Bishop's Stortford.

1:26:181:26:23

Cos it's such a crazy name."

1:26:231:26:25

Because obviously a bishop did have a stortford...whatever it was.

1:26:251:26:30

So... Yeah. And when they landed on the moon,

1:26:301:26:33

that was the time, if there is a God in the universe, he should have come

1:26:331:26:36

down and said, "You are the first ones to make it from the blue one to the grey one, well done.

1:26:361:26:41

"You win Smarties forever and congratulations. Neil, well done.

1:26:411:26:47

"And Buzz... Are you Buzz Lightyear?

1:26:471:26:50

"Ah, you boxed clever there.

1:26:501:26:51

"Well done. Take off your helmets, relax, welcome.

1:26:511:26:56

"Don't take your helmets off, that's a joke.

1:26:561:26:58

"Sorry, my humour's a bit dry.

1:26:581:27:02

"Been hanging out with the British for a while.

1:27:021:27:04

"So, this is the grey one.

1:27:041:27:07

"And it's just a top coat. We're going to paint it at some point. I'm thinking pink.

1:27:071:27:11

"I'm trying to do a snooker thing?

1:27:111:27:14

"Blue one, red one, pink one. Yes, yes. I'm God and I live on the dark side of the moon.

1:27:141:27:18

"Along with Darth Vader.

1:27:181:27:21

BREATHES HEAVILY

1:27:221:27:24

"Hello.

1:27:261:27:28

"And Pink Floyd.

1:27:281:27:30

BREATHES HEAVILY

1:27:321:27:34

"Hello.

1:27:341:27:35

"Who do an excellent group impression of Darth Vader.

1:27:351:27:39

"And here we have a young friend, the Raptor. "Hi." "And the cow." "Moo."

1:27:391:27:46

They just drove here, being chased by these sheep.

1:27:461:27:49

These are mad sheep, who have been trained by Spartan sheep.

1:27:511:27:54

We have the squirrel here. "Hey, man. Don't come here.

1:27:541:27:56

"There's crazy fuckers here. That Raptor's insane, man.

1:27:561:27:59

"He's going to kill everyone."

1:27:591:28:01

-"Then, there's Chicken."

-TRUMPET

1:28:011:28:04

"And Mr Gerald, the giant squid." "Giant squid's diary, Day 3009.

1:28:041:28:09

"We're here on the moon with the human beings, they've made it to the moon.

1:28:091:28:13

"They've probably got 100 more years before they blow themselves up.

1:28:131:28:15

"Can they do it? Can they be civilised enough?

1:28:151:28:18

"It's up to them. They have to think out of the box.

1:28:181:28:21

"Good night."

1:28:231:28:24

Good night.

1:28:241:28:26

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1:29:291:29:32

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk

1:29:321:29:35