Browse content similar to Eddie Izzard: Stripped. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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This programme contains very strong language. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:11 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:00:33 | 0:00:37 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUES | 0:00:53 | 0:00:57 | |
London! London! | 0:01:03 | 0:01:09 | |
London, London. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:11 | |
There's only one London in the world except for all the other ones, | 0:01:11 | 0:01:17 | |
which is really annoying. Couldn't there just be one? Thank you very much. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
But we were called Londinium by the Romans and we said, "No, we're not going to do that. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:26 | |
"We're going to change some of the vowels at the end, because we want the 'ondon' sound." | 0:01:26 | 0:01:30 | |
And I think that's what we're most attached to. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
When I think of London, I think of the ondon, the same O-N-O-N bit at the end. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:37 | |
And we have no songs. There's no songs. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
Well, there's one song for London, but we should have a song that... | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
Cos there's American songs. New York, hey! Chicago... | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
And Chicago, hey... San Francisco, eh... And, you know... | 0:01:46 | 0:01:51 | |
But we should have one that reflects, I think, London vibrancy and London fuck-off-ness. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:59 | |
# London, London Why don't you all fuck off? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:04 | |
# But come and spend your money | 0:02:04 | 0:02:05 | |
# Come around and spend your money | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
# Have a good time, then fuck off | 0:02:08 | 0:02:09 | |
# Then come back on Tuesday | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
# At half past three Cos we need some cash just then | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
# Then fuck off, come back, fuck off | 0:02:15 | 0:02:16 | |
# Come back, fuck off, come back... # | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
-CHEERING -I think that's... | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
Ding, ding, ding, ding... | 0:02:26 | 0:02:27 | |
Tonight! Tonight I thought I'd talk about everything that's ever happened in the world. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:33 | |
And the critics... I said this and critics said, "No, you're not." | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
"Of course I'm not!" And they said, "All right." | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
And I said, "Why the fuck did you say eurgh?" | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
And they went, "Cos we're critics." | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
So, tonight, tonight we'll talk with the use of Wikipedia, | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
which has taught me so many things that I didn't know and neither did you. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
Wikipedia has pages on everything! There's almost nothing... There was one thing I looked up | 0:02:51 | 0:02:57 | |
and I couldn't find, but I can't remember what it is, so it probably doesn't matter. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
Everything is in Wikipedia, and you used to have arguments! | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
How do you make spoons, Jim, Jack, Kenny, Rogers? Two people. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:08 | |
How do you make them? | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
And if no one knew, you'd go, "Ah, fuck it." | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
And you wouldn't go, "I'll join a library. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
"I'll join a library and I'll get a library card after six months and then I'll look up spoons." | 0:03:15 | 0:03:21 | |
No, you wouldn't. You'd just... | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
You'd just give up then. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:24 | |
But now we've got Wikipedia, we look up spoons. And you'd probably get bored within three lines. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
If you notice, it goes, "Spoons were made from..." | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
Within three lines, you're going, "Helicopters! Helicopters! | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
"They took over the world... | 0:03:35 | 0:03:36 | |
"Chickens. Chickens drive helicopters. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
"Alligators." You know. And you can just keep going until you get to one and you click | 0:03:38 | 0:03:44 | |
on it and it says, "There is no page for this person." And you think, "Why did you put them in blue?" | 0:03:44 | 0:03:49 | |
"Don't put them in blue and have no page. Just don't put them in blue." | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
We have been trained. So, Wikipedia. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
Yes. On the very sexy computers like the Macintosh computer. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
I have an Apple Macintosh computer, very sort of touchy, sexy, feely. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
And you open it up and... | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
In the old days porn would take forever to download. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
Do you remember that? | 0:04:10 | 0:04:11 | |
Friends tell me. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
Friends who can spell porn. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
Well, it was... That picture would come up. And you'd go, "What is it? This is cat porn. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:20 | |
"This is a picture of a cat." | 0:04:20 | 0:04:21 | |
But nowadays you're just tip-tapping away and a little box comes up. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
"Would you like a software update?" And you go, "Yeah. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
"Yeah, like one of those." It's like a latte thing. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
Yeah, why not? | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
And then time becomes a different thing. Time becomes weird as it downloads. Five minutes to download. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:40 | |
Four minutes to download. Three minutes to download. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
Nine minutes to download. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:43 | |
Two minutes to download. Seven hours to download. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:47 | |
Six seconds to download. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
A light-year to download. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
And then it starts asking you questions like will you sign a new agreement with iTunes? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:57 | |
And I've signed many agreements with iTunes. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
I don't know what they want from me any more. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
Surely they know I agree with them. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
I'm just... I'm there, you know? | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
Why do they keep checking like I'm going to go away? | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
No, I no longer agree with you. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
We all agree. And they've made us liars. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
You can't say to children, "Don't lie." | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
"Well, you said you've read the terms and conditions." | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
No one has read the terms and conditions, no one in the world! | 0:05:24 | 0:05:29 | |
No one. Even the lawyers who wrote it, wrote it like this. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
It could say anything in there. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
"We will take your buttocks and sell them to Chinese." "Yes!" | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
"Set fire to your hedges." "Why not?" | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
"Put your knee in a sling." "Yeah, gimme." | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
Cos you're in go-fever at that point. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
"Come on, give me the update." | 0:05:50 | 0:05:51 | |
Cos it could be that one update, that one update that will make your life complete. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:56 | |
You know, like the Willy Wonka golden chocolate thingy with the errgh. | 0:05:56 | 0:06:00 | |
Update, yes. And then sex with everyone and free chickens for life. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:06 | |
Whether they want to come or not. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
But then it downloads and you have to do a reboot thing, which is | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
basically getting ready to go to the seaside with a bucket and spade, | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
the engine on, and your dad says, "Come on, everyone out the car." "What? | 0:06:15 | 0:06:19 | |
"Where we going? Where we going? Where we going?" | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
Everyone back in the car. "Back in the car? We just got out." | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
-HE IMITATES A CAR REVVING -"What the fuck was that?" | 0:06:24 | 0:06:28 | |
So, yes, and then you update the whole thing and nothing has changed, which is a bit weird and annoying. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:38 | |
If you have a PC computer, I think it's a similar thing. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
You press the on button and then there's a crank. You have to crank it. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:45 | |
And then they get contact and they spin the propeller and you get in. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:50 | |
"Come on, the PC's going." Doog, doog, doog, doog, doog. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
And then you put on a 78 record. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
Move the horn around. # Wurr, wurr, weeerr... # | 0:06:58 | 0:07:03 | |
-Caruso sings the update. -HE IMITATES CARUSO | 0:07:03 | 0:07:10 | |
So, I've learnt that the world is 4,500 million years old. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
If you're very religious, then it's not 4,500 million years old. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
It's 6,000 years old. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
One of these is not correct. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
Using simple logic here. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
Now the science boys, they got anoraks, they got glasses, they got Bunsen burners and Petri dishes. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:31 | |
I've got to go with them because they can bend glass, | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
and if they heat it up, you know... | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
And sodium chloride and potassium permanganate makes potassium pomongadonkey. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:41 | |
What was the one that was boom, and all and that and...? And all that stuff that we did. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:48 | |
And then if you're religious, the religious boys, they've got a book. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
And... | 0:07:55 | 0:07:56 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Some really interesting stuff in there, good stories in the book. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
I mean, I think a lot of the people in there are true. I think it's oral histories. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
Stuff in there's true and there's slavery in there. Hmmmm. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:08 | |
Maybe crime against humanity there in the good, moral book. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:13 | |
Maybe it shouldn't be in? Maybe the editor | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
should have put a line through how to sell your daughter? Mmm. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:20 | |
Don't you think one of the Popes would have thought, "We could... | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
"Could we? You know, we're dumping a lot of these books. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
"Couldn't we just cross out the slavery bit and pretend it never happened?" They left it in till now. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:33 | |
It's still there! | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
It makes me think there isn't a God, you know. Cos I used to be an agnostic and now I'm an atheist. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:41 | |
I'm all for spirituality and I think there's a lot of religious people who've got a certain something. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:46 | |
And I believe in us. I don't believe in God, I believe in us human beings. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
But if God was there... Thank you, one person. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
If God was there, I think the first line of the Bible should be, "It's round." | 0:08:53 | 0:08:58 | |
"Looks flat, but it's round. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
"Yeah, it spins. It's like a big football." | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
"Oh, it's very complicated. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
"Imagine you're an ant on a football and you're spinning, but you can't feel it. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:10 | |
"Shit, shit, shit. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
"Sorry about the slavery. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
"Couldn't get the staff. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
"They seemed to like it. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
"Shit. All right, forget this bit. Right. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
"Ooh, in the beginning was the Word." | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
Don't you think? If there was a God, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off? | 0:09:26 | 0:09:31 | |
Don't you think? You know. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:37 | |
"Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything." Well, fuck off then. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
If you're not allowed to do anything then what's the use? | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
Just piss off and stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:48 | |
"Please, could you possibly mumble positive things towards me | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
"on a Sunday in the coldest buildings you can find?" | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
"Please, get some of your senior citizens to wear cakes on their heads. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:02 | |
"And to mumble ridiculously positive things about me." | 0:10:02 | 0:10:07 | |
So, yes, 4,500 million years ago I do believe | 0:10:07 | 0:10:11 | |
our Earth started with a 'place your bets' type of spinning thing. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
And then we turn up, human beings, five million years ago. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:18 | |
Why the big pause? Cos it is a big one. Have you noticed? | 0:10:18 | 0:10:22 | |
4,500 million years minus five million years | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
is 4,495 million years of nothing! Well, there was stuff. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:31 | |
There was bleh and bloo...eurgh. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
I thought dinosaurs ruled the world all that period, but no. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
They were around for 200 million years. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
So, we've been five, they've been 200, and they weren't even ruling. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:42 | |
Because if they were ruling, on the Steven Spielberg movies, we'd see that dinosaurs were going, "Rargh! | 0:10:42 | 0:10:47 | |
"Rargh, rargh, rargh, you can go away. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:51 | |
-"You can stay. And you, I like you. -HE GROWLS | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
-HE GROWLS -"And you, I can smell. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
-"You smell of sandwiches. -HE GROWLS | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
-HE GROWLS -"You can come, cos I... Rumpy-pumpy. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:03 | |
"And let's eat him." | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
That would be dinosaurs ruling the Earth, but I noticed in the films | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
that they seem to just get up in the morning and go, "Rargh!" | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
With a look of not bright as a button, you know. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:18 | |
A few sandwiches short of a picnic. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
And they just go around eating and pooing each other all day for 200 million years! | 0:11:22 | 0:11:28 | |
Come on, that's not a god making that. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
If God did that, his children would be crazy. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
And I think if he did exist, he had many children. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
-That's just logic. -APPLAUSE | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
That's just mathematical. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
And T-sus would always be fucking about. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
P-sus does deliveries. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
C-sus started the Roman Empire, C-sus. F-sus, city in Turkey. | 0:11:55 | 0:12:01 | |
B-sus was covered in something. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
Some people applauding there, other people going, "What?" | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
B-sus was covered in bees. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
But, yeah. Dinosaurs, dinosaurs, just wandering around. No dinosaur poetry. Not clever. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:20 | |
They weren't going, "I wandered lonely as a cloud over hill | 0:12:20 | 0:12:25 | |
"blah blah. And I saw a small... | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
"And ate him. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
"And then I ate... And then I pooed him out. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:34 | |
"And that was nice. What a day." | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
They didn't go to church. No dinosaur churches. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:40 | |
Very few dinosaur vicars going, "Welcome, eurgh eurgh. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
"Thank you very much." | 0:12:43 | 0:12:44 | |
"Hello. Hey." | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
"Excuse me." | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
"Welcome to today's service. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
"We will now sing hymn 409, All Things Bright And Beautiful." | 0:12:55 | 0:13:00 | |
# All things bright and beautiful | 0:13:00 | 0:13:06 | |
# All creatures great and small Rargh! | 0:13:06 | 0:13:14 | |
# All things wise and wonderful | 0:13:14 | 0:13:19 | |
# They don't live on the planet at the moment. # | 0:13:19 | 0:13:24 | |
That scene did not happen. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
Yeah, so, | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
not clever. I think most of the dinosaurs were not clever from what I can tell. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:37 | |
The raptors do seem quite clever. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
Smaller, about our size. They seem to be able to break into rooms. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
Work locks, do computer stuff, download raptor porn. Ah! | 0:13:43 | 0:13:51 | |
And then run away and not pay. Wooh! | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
They could almost pass for us. You put a little porkpie hat | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
on a raptor, and it almost looks like a human being. | 0:13:56 | 0:14:00 | |
"Is this your car, sir?" "No." | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
"Do you realise how fast you were going?" | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
"Ha ha. I was very busy." "You were going a million miles an hour." | 0:14:06 | 0:14:11 | |
"Oh, really? Is that over the...over the thing?" | 0:14:11 | 0:14:16 | |
"Yes. The limit is 30 miles an hour." "Oh? That's... I was very busy." | 0:14:16 | 0:14:22 | |
"Well, can you show me your documents?" | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
"Erm... Argh, huhuh! Good afternoon. I can't... Argh!" | 0:14:26 | 0:14:31 | |
"It's a raptor! Get me a dustbin lid." Boom! | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
"It fucking raptor. Run! | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
"Run! No, stay. Chase him. Something." "Eurgh." | 0:14:37 | 0:14:44 | |
The raptors. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
And then we turn up. The human beings of this world, | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
we turn up 5 million years ago and that, I think, is the point where we started to walk erect. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:54 | |
And I think it must have been a gradual period. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
I don't think we could have just gone whoosh. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
"Oh, this is better. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
"I don't know why we didn't do this a long time ago. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
"Steve, Jeffrey. Come on, try this." | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
"I can see clearly now. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
"The rain has gone. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
"I can see all lobsters in my way." | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
It really gets interesting around tool time. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
Tool time is the Stone Age. That's when it kicks off. The Stone Age. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:25 | |
Before the Stone Age, no stones, no tools. Hunting was bizarre. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
"Come on, there's a bison!" | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
"Come on, lads!" | 0:15:31 | 0:15:32 | |
"Will you die, sir?" | 0:15:37 | 0:15:38 | |
"Die, I tell you. You're in our territory. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
"I peed and pooed all round here. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
"I marked my territory quite clearly." | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
"Will... Ow! Will you die, sir? Could you possibly? | 0:15:50 | 0:15:54 | |
"You could feed a family for nine years." | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
"Don't you look at me with those big eyes. Those big cow eyes." | 0:15:57 | 0:16:02 | |
"This could take hours." | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
"Buggering hell. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
"Come on, where are you? How can you be late? | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
"It's the Stone Age. There's nothing to be late in the Stone Age for. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:14 | |
"Bastards." Boom! Thud. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
"Oh. That is much better!" | 0:16:18 | 0:16:21 | |
"Did you see that? Did you see that?" | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
The others come running up. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
"I picked up a stone. I hit the bison. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
"He's just... He's gone. He's dead." | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
"This is brilliant, Jeff. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
"This could be the beginning of an age." | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
"Well, that's what I was thinking. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
"Provisionally I entitled it The Age Of Big Things Falling Over | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
"Cos They're Hit By Small Things Of A Much Denser Material." | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
"No, just Stone Age." "Stone Age, yes! | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
"You were always better than me at that, weren't you? | 0:16:52 | 0:16:56 | |
"Weren't you, Siegfried?" | 0:16:56 | 0:16:57 | |
We're not sure of the names. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:03 | |
Language was developed 100,000 years ago. Before that, no language. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:07 | |
Before that also, no religion. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
You can't have religion by grunting. | 0:17:09 | 0:17:11 | |
It just... You can't get moral ideas out by going, "Eurgh. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
"Weh. Argh." "Ha ha! I suppose so." | 0:17:14 | 0:17:19 | |
"Eurgh, aboo, waa, ooh." | 0:17:19 | 0:17:23 | |
"Ha ha, I don't know what you're..." | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
While we're here, we may as well do civilisation. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
Just be civil to one another. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
Cos we got the killer thing in. And assassins, they took drugs. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:35 | |
Maybe as a reward or maybe to make them just jump over the idea of going out and killing people. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:39 | |
And it was hashish. That's where the word comes from. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
They were hash-assins. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
No, it's true. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:46 | |
It sounds silly. They were hash-assins. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
Read it, it's on Wikipedia. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:50 | |
You can look it up on your iPhones while I'm talking to you. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
It's true, I've done it. It's there and they would give them hashish and say, "You are hash-assins now. | 0:17:53 | 0:18:01 | |
"Help yourself to hashish and then we'll go do hash-assinations." | 0:18:01 | 0:18:06 | |
"He's off his rocker, isn't he?" | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
Cos I do think that hashish is one of the worst... | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
It's the wrong drug to give to people who are going to go out and do something. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
Unless you say, "We're going to take over a Mars bar factory," | 0:18:15 | 0:18:18 | |
then... "Yeah! Come on." | 0:18:18 | 0:18:22 | |
There was an empowerment there. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
"We're all going to go and dive into bags of sugar." | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
"Yes! Yes, of course!" | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
But apart from that, organised hash-assinations is just crazy. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:37 | |
You get there. "What? What? | 0:18:37 | 0:18:39 | |
"Hold this, hold this. Get behind the hedge. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
"Get behind the..." Bing-bong. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:47 | |
"He's not... Oh, he is here." | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
"Er, I'm sorry about this. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
We just... We're hash-assins. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:01 | |
No, we're hash-assins. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
Er... | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
We've got to kill you. We're supposed to kill you. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
Do you have a KitKat?" | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
"If you've got a KitKat, that's like a get out of jail free card." | 0:19:11 | 0:19:15 | |
"You have? He's got... | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
"Have you got three? | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
"Oh, you've got four? He's got a four-bar one. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
"Come on, all right. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
"Shh! Schtumm. Close the door. Fuck off." | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
"We should do this everywhere. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
"Get KitKats." Ding-dong. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
"Got KitKats? | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
"Or just a KatKit? | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
"Like a Meccano cat..." Ah, forget it. Then the guy gets on the roof with a briefcase. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
"I am in position..." "Shush!" | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
"Sorry. I am in position on the roof with a briefcase. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:46 | |
"All right, all right. Yeah. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:47 | |
"I will assemble it." | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
HE CLICKS AND WHOOSHES | 0:19:50 | 0:19:52 | |
"What the fuck is that?" | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
"Attach part A to part B then to part C..." | 0:20:05 | 0:20:10 | |
"Apply transfers to model aircraft." | 0:20:10 | 0:20:15 | |
These are the wrong instructions. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
HE WHOOSHES AND CLICKS | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
HE IMITATES A MOTOR | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
MOTOR SLOWS AND STOPS | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
What? Yeah, no, I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:28 | |
I haven't... I haven't got a gun. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
I have got a vacuum cleaner. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
Yeah. Well, it's in a similar briefcase. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:43 | |
It just looks... I know, I know. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:46 | |
I know what you said. I know. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
Don't bring the vacuum cleaner. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
But it's a Dyson Slimline. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:55 | |
It's really lightweight. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
It's orange. | 0:20:57 | 0:20:59 | |
The ball type. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
Goes around corners really well. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
All right, all right, I'll pack up here. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:06 | |
Shall I Hoover up before I go? | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
All right. All right. I know, I know. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
Look, I'll throw it at him. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
How's about I throw it at him? | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
No, it's not very accurate, but it has a fantastic element of surprise. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:22 | |
And we now, I think, in modern days, maybe we have more of a sense, more of an empathy with people. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:31 | |
We can see horrors going on. We saw the tsunami. We saw the thing in Mumbai. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:35 | |
We've seen films. Maybe it's not visceral, but you can... | 0:21:35 | 0:21:39 | |
You get a very good visual sense of what has gone on in the past. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:44 | |
Back in the Battle of Hastings time, you didn't have a clue what happened in the battle. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:48 | |
You were either in that battle, or you just fucking forget it. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
Or you watch a tapestry. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
The Bayeux Tapestry tells you in panels what's going on, but... | 0:21:54 | 0:21:59 | |
It's weavers, weavers were the war correspondents. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
Weavers were the photo-journalists of the day, going, "Come on! Come on!" | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
"Oh, my God. Look at that. Get that down, Kelly. Put that here. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:12 | |
"What are they doing? | 0:22:12 | 0:22:13 | |
"Oh, God. Keep moving. Keep moving. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
"Don't look at the weavers. Just move on." | 0:22:16 | 0:22:20 | |
"Do some weird haircuts for the boys, all right? | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
"Give 'em a bit of a laugh, eh?" | 0:22:23 | 0:22:26 | |
"Willie! Big Willie! Give him a wave. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
"Hey, Big Willie. Good luck." "That's the Duke of Normandy, the bastard." | 0:22:28 | 0:22:32 | |
"Come on, win, you bastards. Shoot someone in the eye. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
"We've already done that panel." | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
"I've sewn this to my leg. Is that a problem?" | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
So we were hunter-gatherers. We hunted and gathered. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
I would have elected to be, I would have chosen to be a hunter. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
It seems more fun. It seems more dangerous and more eurgh! | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
You put face paint on your thing. It's make-up. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
It's almost me, Action Transvestite. That's what hunter-gatherers were. We see it with the Native Americans. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:57 | |
We're there. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
We all looked pretty good. That was the one upside of the Stone Age period. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:04 | |
We looked fucking fantastic, man. "Come on, let's go hunting just in underwear. Come on! | 0:23:04 | 0:23:09 | |
"Janine, Stavros, Kenny, Rogers!" Two people. "Come on." | 0:23:09 | 0:23:13 | |
"We look brilliant. In fact, hold me over a pond, will you? | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
"I want to see what I look like." | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
The only way you could look at yourself in the old days. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:21 | |
Everyone looked a little bit hangy-downy. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
"I look a bit hangy-downy." | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
So that was it. 10,000 years ago, the ice went away going, | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
"Bye! Bye! Good luck with civilisation. Invent fridges." | 0:23:30 | 0:23:35 | |
And off they went. And that is when the hunter-gatherer period moved into the agrarian period. Farming. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:44 | |
Farming is a step up in civilisation. More cultivated. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
Groups and communities can grow. But it's a step down in sexiness. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
There are no farming films. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
No "Farming. Bruce Willis in Farming. Farming III." | 0:23:52 | 0:23:57 | |
"He was just a farmer. | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
"Someone stole his beans." "You fucking stole my beans, MacGruder. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:04 | |
"I'll chase you on my yak." Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
"You'll never catch me. I have a yak, too." Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:12 | |
It's on Top Yak. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
One of the best yaks in the world. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:18 | |
Not exciting films. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
"Look, the grass is growing." Dun, dun, dun. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
And that's why farmers keep animals, to make it more rock 'n' roll. More exciting. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:29 | |
Most of the animals they keep by choice are noisy animals. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
Cows go moo and sheep go baa and dogs go woof and cats go woof and pigs go woof and...horses go hrrr. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:38 | |
And donkeys go eeyore. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
And pigs go onk. No. Woof or crack. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:44 | |
No, they don't go crack. Maybe they take crack. I'm not sure. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
Jury's still out on that one. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
Eurgh! Ducks, geese, all noisy bastards. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
They keep no snails. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
No badgers, no stoats, no weasels, no, er, rabbits. | 0:24:56 | 0:25:00 | |
All very quiet. Gazelles make no noise, except for this noise. Phwaong! | 0:25:00 | 0:25:06 | |
Because they leap. You couldn't farm gazelles, could you? | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
You'd have to keep them in a bag. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
"You want a gazelle, mate?" | 0:25:12 | 0:25:14 | |
"Yeah, all right." | 0:25:14 | 0:25:15 | |
That's not a gazelle. That's an eel. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
Shit. Got the wrong bag. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:22 | |
"Here you go." Phwaong! "Oh, it's gone." | 0:25:25 | 0:25:29 | |
They have wings, you see. In the early days. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
You can tell by... | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
Giraffes! Giraffes have no safety noise. They don't have one. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
Like, chickens have a safety noise, which is cock-a-doodle-doo. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
Unless you wedge a trumpet on their face. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
And then it's driddlet, driddlet, duh! | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
And you can train a chicken to do jazz, which I would encourage all farmers to do. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:51 | |
Then the farmer's wife would say, "What the hell is that?" "That's my jazz chicken." | 0:25:51 | 0:25:56 | |
IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING A TRUMPET | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
"But how does he make an embouchure? He has a beak." | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
"I wedged a mango in there." | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
"Oh, you box clever there." | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
And he wouldn't actually wake you up, would he? It'd be like a permanent snooze button. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:14 | |
"And now it's 6am and jazz chicken." | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING A TRUMPET | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
12 noon and people are going, "Milk me, motherfucker, milk me! | 0:26:23 | 0:26:27 | |
"Get this milk out of me! | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
"Someone plug in, for God's sake. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
"I've got to rub myself against a tree." | 0:26:31 | 0:26:34 | |
We don't know how. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
How did feral cows milk themselves in the old days before farming? | 0:26:36 | 0:26:40 | |
There must have been wild cows in the old days. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:43 | |
Cows who were crazy. Wild! | 0:26:43 | 0:26:44 | |
"Fuck you, buddy." | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
Cows who would drive through the streets in cars. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
"Is this your car, sir?" "Moo." | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
"Do you realise how fast you were going?" "Moo." | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
"Yah!" | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
"Is this your friend?" "Ha ha, yeah." | 0:27:07 | 0:27:09 | |
"Moo." | 0:27:11 | 0:27:12 | |
-IMITATES POLICE RADIO -"Er, Sarge, I think there's a raptor and a cow in a car." | 0:27:15 | 0:27:20 | |
"Get everything here." | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
"What do you mean everything?" | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
"I mean everything!" | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
As Gary would say. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:31 | |
"Moo." "Do you realise how fast you were going?" "Moo." | 0:27:33 | 0:27:38 | |
"You were doing three miles an hour." | 0:27:38 | 0:27:41 | |
"Moo?" | 0:27:41 | 0:27:42 | |
-ENGINE SPEEDS UP -He's going faster now. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:47 | |
But giraffes have no emergency sound. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:54 | |
If a giraffe sees a tiger in Africa, it would have alarm and surprise as two of its main emotions. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:58 | |
Two of the emotions of the Spanish Inquisition. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 | |
Fear. Well, fear and surprise. Fear because, "Oh. it tiger." | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
And surprise because it's a tiger and there aren't any in Africa. | 0:28:05 | 0:28:10 | |
So what's it doing there? | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
Is it on holiday? | 0:28:12 | 0:28:14 | |
Have they come over with pirates? | 0:28:17 | 0:28:20 | |
Through the Gulf of Aden? My hometown. | 0:28:20 | 0:28:22 | |
So, yeah. And it would turn to its friends and say nothing. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:26 | |
It has no brr-brr, cacaw cacaw, fung, dyka. | 0:28:26 | 0:28:30 | |
Nothing. It should hire a jazz chicken to sit on its back and go... | 0:28:30 | 0:28:35 | |
IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING A TRUMPET | 0:28:35 | 0:28:37 | |
Or the jazz chicken could go... | 0:28:39 | 0:28:41 | |
IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING BEE SOUNDS ON A TRUMPET | 0:28:41 | 0:28:45 | |
He could do that. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
And then it'll go, "There are bees coming!" "Not bees." | 0:28:49 | 0:28:52 | |
It has no way of saying tiger, so... | 0:28:54 | 0:28:57 | |
But it can cough. If you look on Wikipedia, they can cough | 0:28:57 | 0:29:00 | |
and so that's what they must use, the very British method of pointing out alarming things. | 0:29:00 | 0:29:05 | |
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:29:07 | 0:29:09 | |
HE COUGHS | 0:29:15 | 0:29:17 | |
"There's a tiger over there." | 0:29:17 | 0:29:20 | |
"Ahem... Tiger. Ahem... Tiger over there. | 0:29:23 | 0:29:28 | |
"There's a fucking great big tiger. | 0:29:28 | 0:29:30 | |
-HE COUGHS -"Tiger at 4 o'clock." | 0:29:30 | 0:29:31 | |
"Film." | 0:29:36 | 0:29:37 | |
"Two syllables. First syllable. | 0:29:39 | 0:29:41 | |
"Sounds like." | 0:29:41 | 0:29:43 | |
-HE MUMBLES -"No, first syllable." | 0:29:45 | 0:29:47 | |
"First syllable." | 0:29:47 | 0:29:49 | |
Tie? Tie? | 0:29:59 | 0:30:01 | |
Second syllable, sounds like... Grr. | 0:30:04 | 0:30:09 | |
Tie... Grr? | 0:30:13 | 0:30:14 | |
Grr? | 0:30:14 | 0:30:17 | |
Tie-grr? | 0:30:17 | 0:30:19 | |
Ti-ger? | 0:30:22 | 0:30:24 | |
Ti-ger. | 0:30:24 | 0:30:25 | |
And then they do go. You see them go. Like, "Get the fuck outta here." | 0:30:40 | 0:30:44 | |
And where do they go to? | 0:30:44 | 0:30:46 | |
Where do they go to? | 0:30:46 | 0:30:51 | |
The giraffes who run. | 0:30:52 | 0:30:54 | |
Well, they're taller than Africa, that savannah bit. | 0:30:54 | 0:30:57 | |
They're so tall, they must hide behind giraffes, that's what I've worked out. | 0:30:57 | 0:31:00 | |
One giraffe is here and then the other giraffes just line out. | 0:31:00 | 0:31:03 | |
Just saying, "Stay in line. Back a bit, back a bit." Forward, forward a bit. Back a bit. | 0:31:03 | 0:31:08 | |
And the giraffe pretends, at this point, he pretends to be the Eiffel Tower. | 0:31:08 | 0:31:12 | |
C'est fantastique. C'est tres belle. | 0:31:12 | 0:31:15 | |
Oh, Paris bon nuit. C'est si belle. | 0:31:15 | 0:31:19 | |
# Boom, fish and chicken... | 0:31:19 | 0:31:22 | |
# Sur la plage, quell dommage | 0:31:22 | 0:31:25 | |
# Qu'elle sausage. # | 0:31:25 | 0:31:26 | |
Tu m'appelles, oui ma mere. | 0:31:26 | 0:31:28 | |
The tiger's walking around going, "Where are we?" | 0:31:28 | 0:31:31 | |
We were in Asia, then Africa, now we're in France. | 0:31:31 | 0:31:36 | |
I can't stand this. Give me the iPhone. | 0:31:36 | 0:31:38 | |
Noah, he knew about animals. Oh, yes, he did. | 0:31:44 | 0:31:46 | |
And he's mentioned in the Bible, which I think are oral histories. I think it did happen. | 0:31:46 | 0:31:52 | |
There was a flood, there's flood stories mentioned in the Bible, mentioned outside the Bible. | 0:31:52 | 0:31:55 | |
We saw the tsunami, we know they happen. | 0:31:55 | 0:31:57 | |
Now, the big point is, did God tell him to make a boat or did Noah just use his Captain Common Sense? | 0:31:57 | 0:32:03 | |
Cos a number of us, if we were somewhere where it was raining | 0:32:03 | 0:32:05 | |
and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and we had a big pile of wood, | 0:32:05 | 0:32:10 | |
some of us might put two and two together and go, "I'm going to make a bloody boat." | 0:32:10 | 0:32:15 | |
Others might go, "I'm going to make a hairdresser's. | 0:32:15 | 0:32:17 | |
"I'm going to build a monkey emporium." | 0:32:17 | 0:32:19 | |
"I'm going to build a big set of wooden shoes | 0:32:19 | 0:32:23 | |
"that would fit a giant." | 0:32:23 | 0:32:25 | |
But he made a boat. | 0:32:25 | 0:32:27 | |
He was quite sensible. | 0:32:27 | 0:32:29 | |
And what did he put on the boat? His family. What else? Animals. | 0:32:29 | 0:32:31 | |
Which animals? Any he could find. | 0:32:31 | 0:32:33 | |
Did he put two of every animal in the world on the boat? No! | 0:32:33 | 0:32:36 | |
How can I be so sure? | 0:32:36 | 0:32:38 | |
Try it. | 0:32:38 | 0:32:40 | |
Just try it. It's impossible. And there is such a word as impossible. | 0:32:40 | 0:32:46 | |
It is impossible to eat the Himalayas. | 0:32:46 | 0:32:49 | |
"There's no such word as can't." Well, try eating the bloody Himalayas. | 0:32:49 | 0:32:53 | |
"Oh, I got full after about two mountains." | 0:32:53 | 0:32:56 | |
You're not going to get through that. | 0:32:56 | 0:32:57 | |
So, he was there and he built this boat. | 0:32:57 | 0:33:01 | |
And just trying to get everything on there would be a nightmare. | 0:33:01 | 0:33:03 | |
And it had to be everything, from two dung beetles up to two giant squid. All of them. | 0:33:03 | 0:33:07 | |
All the fish had to be there because we know they were bad, some of them. Sharks are bad, you know? | 0:33:07 | 0:33:12 | |
Very few good sharks. Very few sharks say, "We've found a child. | 0:33:12 | 0:33:16 | |
He was swimming about, having a bad time | 0:33:17 | 0:33:22 | |
We were going to eat him, but we thought it is not our way any more. | 0:33:22 | 0:33:26 | |
Since the Geneva Convention on sharks, the agreement that sharks made with humans. | 0:33:26 | 0:33:32 | |
We took his leg but that is our trade. | 0:33:32 | 0:33:36 | |
We call him Stumpy. | 0:33:36 | 0:33:39 | |
Or Thumper. I think his name is Kenneth. | 0:33:39 | 0:33:42 | |
So, Noah would be there, saying, "All right, Margaret. | 0:33:42 | 0:33:46 | |
Margaret, just stuff them all over the boat. | 0:33:46 | 0:33:48 | |
Lash one giant squid to the roof. | 0:33:48 | 0:33:51 | |
Just do it. It's raining, Margaret, it doesn't matter. | 0:33:51 | 0:33:53 | |
Just put them anywhere. Shove them in cupboards. | 0:33:53 | 0:33:56 | |
A giant squid sticking out of the cupboards going, "There's no towels. | 0:33:56 | 0:33:59 | |
"Is she there? No towels." | 0:33:59 | 0:34:02 | |
Giant squid diary, day one. | 0:34:02 | 0:34:04 | |
Got to the boat. Everything rather damp. Must inform Trip Advisor. | 0:34:04 | 0:34:08 | |
Seem to be running out of ink. | 0:34:08 | 0:34:12 | |
Met a number of animals, interesting ones. Cat, dog, squirrel, a mouse. | 0:34:16 | 0:34:20 | |
I will eat them later. | 0:34:20 | 0:34:22 | |
I can't find Horace. Think he's latched to the roof. | 0:34:22 | 0:34:26 | |
And the whole two by two thing doesn't work. Two by two animals? | 0:34:26 | 0:34:29 | |
All right, here we go. Kids, we're going to get them up two by two. | 0:34:29 | 0:34:31 | |
Two tigers, two cats, two dogs, two fish. | 0:34:31 | 0:34:35 | |
Two rabbits, two squirrels, two llamas, two blue things, two zebras. | 0:34:35 | 0:34:41 | |
"How many is that?" "That? | 0:34:41 | 0:34:43 | |
"So far? Two tigers, Dad." | 0:34:43 | 0:34:45 | |
"What do you mean?" | 0:34:49 | 0:34:52 | |
"Oh, no. What happened?" "It just seemed to... | 0:34:52 | 0:34:55 | |
"It became a Wendy's all-you-can-eat kind of..." | 0:34:55 | 0:34:58 | |
Do we have a psychotherapist on board? Because I think | 0:34:58 | 0:35:01 | |
I need to readjust after that. | 0:35:01 | 0:35:03 | |
It wouldn't work. Lions and tigers eat everything. | 0:35:03 | 0:35:06 | |
It's like putting students on a boat with a load of cake mix, isn't it? | 0:35:06 | 0:35:11 | |
It would just be a munching fest. | 0:35:11 | 0:35:14 | |
I've been up close to a lion and they just do that. And after 40 days and 40 nights of rain... | 0:35:14 | 0:35:19 | |
Which is 40 days of rain, isn't it? | 0:35:19 | 0:35:20 | |
The nights are implicit, for God's sake. | 0:35:20 | 0:35:23 | |
It's a month and a bit of rain. Don't drag it out. | 0:35:23 | 0:35:25 | |
"40 lunchtimes and 40 afternoon teas." | 0:35:25 | 0:35:30 | |
Just padding out the Bible. | 0:35:30 | 0:35:31 | |
After that period of time, they'd be there, from the Bible, on the bit of land, saying, "We're here. | 0:35:31 | 0:35:36 | |
"As the ark makes landfall, what a historic day. | 0:35:36 | 0:35:39 | |
"God's plan has worked. The ark has made it with two of everything." | 0:35:39 | 0:35:43 | |
"And here they come, this is Noah and his family first. Trying to get a word in. | 0:35:43 | 0:35:47 | |
They're rushing away, they're probably meeting some friends, late for a dinner appointment. | 0:35:47 | 0:35:51 | |
And lions and tigers, there they go. | 0:35:51 | 0:35:53 | |
Well, they're chasing... Made friends already, I suppose. | 0:35:53 | 0:35:56 | |
No one else at the moment, must be packing. | 0:35:56 | 0:36:00 | |
Just getting their things together. What a wonderful, glorious day. | 0:36:00 | 0:36:03 | |
Here comes a squirrel, just running out, there. | 0:36:03 | 0:36:05 | |
"Mr Squirrel, how did it go?" "It was a nightmare, man. | 0:36:05 | 0:36:09 | |
"Don't go there. It was crazy. | 0:36:09 | 0:36:11 | |
"They killed everything. Those stripy bastards, | 0:36:11 | 0:36:13 | |
"they killed everything, man. There's nothing there, man. | 0:36:13 | 0:36:15 | |
"It's all dead, all dead, it's like a ghost ship. | 0:36:15 | 0:36:19 | |
"I escaped, I hid in a colander." | 0:36:19 | 0:36:21 | |
"Oh, shit. You gotta write that down in the Bible. It was a bad plan, man, bad plan." | 0:36:26 | 0:36:30 | |
"What happened to your wife? She got away. | 0:36:30 | 0:36:32 | |
"Got away in a boat with an owl and a cat." | 0:36:32 | 0:36:35 | |
"Did they take anything with them?" | 0:36:38 | 0:36:41 | |
"Yeah, they took spoons and a helicopter. | 0:36:41 | 0:36:42 | |
"A little toy one and a Gatling gun." | 0:36:42 | 0:36:47 | |
"An owl and a pussy-cat went to sea in a beautiful pea green boat. | 0:36:47 | 0:36:50 | |
"They took some spoons, a helicopter and a Gatling gun?" | 0:36:50 | 0:36:53 | |
"Yeah. It's not poetry." | 0:36:53 | 0:36:58 | |
So, civilisation. | 0:37:00 | 0:37:02 | |
That's what we're about. And, while we're here, cos I don't think there's actually a reason | 0:37:02 | 0:37:07 | |
why we're here, but while we're here we may as well try and be civilised. | 0:37:07 | 0:37:09 | |
It's just a little bit British. | 0:37:09 | 0:37:11 | |
Just a little bit getting up in the morning and saying, "Hello, how are you?" Walking on. | 0:37:11 | 0:37:16 | |
"Can't stand the man, myself." | 0:37:19 | 0:37:21 | |
It's a little bit like that. | 0:37:27 | 0:37:29 | |
And the Egyptians and the Sumerians, they started it off. | 0:37:29 | 0:37:33 | |
They started the ball rolling about 5,000 years ago. | 0:37:33 | 0:37:36 | |
They said, "Come on, irrigation. That's a good thing." | 0:37:36 | 0:37:38 | |
And the pharaohs were going, "I'm 12 years old, I could die sometime." | 0:37:38 | 0:37:42 | |
"But you're very young, sir." "Yeah, I could die, so I want to die in a pointy thing." | 0:37:42 | 0:37:47 | |
"All right, we'll make one. About head height?" "A mile high." | 0:37:47 | 0:37:51 | |
Bloody 12-year-olds. | 0:37:51 | 0:37:53 | |
"Come on, lads. Cut some rock." | 0:37:53 | 0:37:57 | |
And it was all kind of sandy, and they worshipped Ra. The Sun god, Ra. | 0:37:57 | 0:38:01 | |
They had a song. # Ra, hurrah for Ra | 0:38:01 | 0:38:04 | |
# He's up there near the stars. | 0:38:04 | 0:38:06 | |
# But they're not there, they've gone somewhere else | 0:38:06 | 0:38:07 | |
# And he is there, it's up there | 0:38:07 | 0:38:09 | |
# It's quite hot, it's hot | 0:38:09 | 0:38:10 | |
# It makes all our ground crappy | 0:38:10 | 0:38:11 | |
# And that's why we have irrigation | 0:38:11 | 0:38:13 | |
# La, la, la, la | 0:38:13 | 0:38:14 | |
# Ra, Ra. # | 0:38:14 | 0:38:15 | |
I'm not sure what the song was. | 0:38:15 | 0:38:18 | |
But it was something in that area. | 0:38:18 | 0:38:20 | |
And the worshipping of the Sun god, that is the circle behind | 0:38:20 | 0:38:24 | |
Mary's head. Mary and Baby G, you know they've got the circle? | 0:38:24 | 0:38:27 | |
And you grew up thinking that meant they were very, very good? Very, very good. | 0:38:27 | 0:38:31 | |
Or the Colgate ring of confidence, remember that one? | 0:38:31 | 0:38:34 | |
Actually, it means sun worshipping. | 0:38:34 | 0:38:37 | |
It was slid in behind Christianity. | 0:38:37 | 0:38:39 | |
Christianity, hello. Cos Christians worship Chris, of course. | 0:38:39 | 0:38:43 | |
That's what it should be about. Christmas is when we remember Chris. | 0:38:46 | 0:38:50 | |
And how he so brilliantly landed on that pagan ritual of being born on the 25th of December. | 0:38:51 | 0:38:58 | |
What is it with Christianity? There was all these pagan religions, and then Christianity went... Boof! | 0:39:00 | 0:39:04 | |
That seems to fit. | 0:39:05 | 0:39:07 | |
Well, it was. And all those people... | 0:39:09 | 0:39:13 | |
A lot of churches are built on pagan sites. So, people turn up for their pagan rituals. | 0:39:13 | 0:39:17 | |
"Let's go and worship on the Feast of Bingo. Woah. | 0:39:17 | 0:39:22 | |
"Where the fuck did this come from? | 0:39:22 | 0:39:24 | |
"Ooh! It's not Bingo any more. | 0:39:24 | 0:39:26 | |
"It's Mr Chris." | 0:39:26 | 0:39:30 | |
"Oh, let's worship him then, shall we? Whoever's here, we'll worship." | 0:39:30 | 0:39:34 | |
So, the Egyptians did a number of groovy things. | 0:39:37 | 0:39:40 | |
5,000 years they were there. | 0:39:40 | 0:39:42 | |
And they invented a language, a language, written up on there. | 0:39:42 | 0:39:46 | |
And it was a nightmare for newsreaders. | 0:39:46 | 0:39:49 | |
Here is the news in Egypt. | 0:39:51 | 0:39:53 | |
Man with a hat, man with a hat, dog. | 0:39:53 | 0:39:54 | |
Dog with a gun, walking, pig, pig, pig coming, man. | 0:39:54 | 0:39:58 | |
Duck with a gun, thing, man. | 0:39:58 | 0:40:01 | |
There's an eyeball walking along. | 0:40:01 | 0:40:04 | |
Chicken with a banjo. Dog, really powerful dog comes along. | 0:40:04 | 0:40:07 | |
And the cat got him in an arm lock. | 0:40:07 | 0:40:11 | |
Three things, big eye, big eye, fish, cat. | 0:40:11 | 0:40:14 | |
It seems the orgy in the zoo continues into its seventh year. | 0:40:14 | 0:40:19 | |
That's what I'm guessing. | 0:40:20 | 0:40:22 | |
Anyway, here's the weather with Janine. | 0:40:22 | 0:40:25 | |
Thank you. It'll be sunny forever. | 0:40:25 | 0:40:27 | |
And now, the Greeks. | 0:40:30 | 0:40:33 | |
So, the Greeks came in, cos the Egyptians all died in a car crash. | 0:40:33 | 0:40:38 | |
And the Greeks, they had democracy. | 0:40:38 | 0:40:42 | |
Two Greek words. Demos means people. | 0:40:42 | 0:40:45 | |
Ocracy is a kind of inflatable cat, | 0:40:45 | 0:40:48 | |
full of helium. Going, "Vote now, vote now." | 0:40:48 | 0:40:53 | |
Kind of like Blade Runner, in my mind. | 0:40:53 | 0:40:57 | |
So, they had democracy, which is great. And it took off, there. | 0:40:57 | 0:41:01 | |
It flowered through the Roman period. 500 years of democracy. | 0:41:01 | 0:41:04 | |
-And then it went... -BLOWS RASPBERRY | 0:41:04 | 0:41:06 | |
Somewhere around Caesar, the third son of God. | 0:41:06 | 0:41:08 | |
And they also, not only had that, they had the Spartans. | 0:41:13 | 0:41:16 | |
The Spartans were... The elite fighters of today are based on the Spartans. | 0:41:16 | 0:41:20 | |
And the Spartans were just crazy. Get up in the morning. | 0:41:20 | 0:41:23 | |
HE YAWNS | 0:41:23 | 0:41:25 | |
Kids! Dad! | 0:41:26 | 0:41:29 | |
Spears! Aargh! | 0:41:29 | 0:41:31 | |
Breakfast. | 0:41:32 | 0:41:35 | |
How many did you get? Got eight? | 0:41:35 | 0:41:37 | |
I got seven. | 0:41:37 | 0:41:39 | |
Just mayhem. | 0:41:39 | 0:41:41 | |
Death by numbers. | 0:41:41 | 0:41:44 | |
Yeah, the Spartans. The men, of course, were HUH. But the women were also HUH! | 0:41:44 | 0:41:47 | |
The children were HUH! And the dogs were woof, and the cats were woof. | 0:41:47 | 0:41:51 | |
The slugs were hehhh. | 0:41:51 | 0:41:54 | |
And the sheep, shh, silent. | 0:41:54 | 0:41:57 | |
The most deadly sheep in the world. | 0:41:57 | 0:41:59 | |
They were the only predator sheep the world has ever known. | 0:41:59 | 0:42:02 | |
They would wear bandanas, like the kamikaze pilots. | 0:42:02 | 0:42:05 | |
With ancient sheep runes on them. | 0:42:05 | 0:42:09 | |
They had not a clue what they meant. | 0:42:09 | 0:42:11 | |
And they would sneak up on wolves. | 0:42:11 | 0:42:13 | |
They would creep up in the dead of night. | 0:42:13 | 0:42:15 | |
Shh. They would never make a bleat. | 0:42:15 | 0:42:18 | |
The wolves would wake and go, "Sheep!" | 0:42:18 | 0:42:22 | |
"What? I'm the wolf who cried sheep!" | 0:42:22 | 0:42:25 | |
And the irony was writ large upon them. | 0:42:28 | 0:42:31 | |
And the sheep would be in a stand-off with the wolves. | 0:42:32 | 0:42:34 | |
Cos they knew they were more powerful, but the sheep were brave. | 0:42:34 | 0:42:37 | |
And the sheep would take a rusty blade and they would say, "Look at this!" | 0:42:37 | 0:42:41 | |
And they would shear themselves. | 0:42:41 | 0:42:43 | |
"Come on!" | 0:42:46 | 0:42:47 | |
"I've got my jacket off now. | 0:42:49 | 0:42:52 | |
"You want to come outside?" | 0:42:52 | 0:42:54 | |
And the wolves would go, "We are outside." | 0:42:54 | 0:42:58 | |
"Let's fight, motherfucker." | 0:42:58 | 0:42:59 | |
And the wolves would go, "This is not in the book." | 0:43:03 | 0:43:07 | |
"Grab their clothes and run." | 0:43:07 | 0:43:09 | |
As the audience realised where the joke was, | 0:43:16 | 0:43:20 | |
the wolves in sheep's clothing would run down the hill. | 0:43:20 | 0:43:24 | |
Run into a local market, buy Slurpees, run off and never pay. | 0:43:24 | 0:43:28 | |
"Hey, I thought they were sheep." "They were wolves in sheep's clothing." | 0:43:28 | 0:43:32 | |
"I didn't know. New thing to me." | 0:43:32 | 0:43:36 | |
And it started a whole spate of that, wolves in sheep's clothing, dogs in cats' clothing. | 0:43:36 | 0:43:40 | |
Pigs in giraffes' clothing. | 0:43:40 | 0:43:42 | |
Which looked odd. | 0:43:42 | 0:43:45 | |
And ants in elephants' clothing. | 0:43:45 | 0:43:47 | |
Which was the biggest bluff of all. | 0:43:47 | 0:43:49 | |
"Move or we will trample you." | 0:43:49 | 0:43:52 | |
"You're the flattest elephants I've ever seen." | 0:43:52 | 0:43:56 | |
"We are covert elephants. | 0:43:56 | 0:43:58 | |
"Worked for the national secret people. | 0:43:58 | 0:44:02 | |
"We're taking leaves back to our nests." | 0:44:02 | 0:44:05 | |
"Elephants don't have nests." | 0:44:05 | 0:44:08 | |
"Shit. | 0:44:09 | 0:44:10 | |
"We will trample you | 0:44:10 | 0:44:14 | |
"with our noses." | 0:44:14 | 0:44:17 | |
Deezz, said the man. | 0:44:17 | 0:44:20 | |
Forget that scene. | 0:44:23 | 0:44:25 | |
I like the scene up to there, but I don't know where it goes after that. Suddenly a cow turned up. | 0:44:25 | 0:44:30 | |
"Moo." "You again?" | 0:44:30 | 0:44:34 | |
"Moo." | 0:44:34 | 0:44:35 | |
"Can you give me lift to the shops?" "Moo." | 0:44:35 | 0:44:38 | |
"Is that a yes or a no?" | 0:44:38 | 0:44:40 | |
"Moo." "All right, I'm coming with you." | 0:44:45 | 0:44:48 | |
"Stop writing on the windows." | 0:45:00 | 0:45:02 | |
"I thought you just said moo?" | 0:45:02 | 0:45:04 | |
"Moo." | 0:45:05 | 0:45:07 | |
Just moving that mime away. | 0:45:17 | 0:45:18 | |
So, Spartans! They fought the battle of Thermopylae. | 0:45:21 | 0:45:26 | |
The Battle of Thermopylae, made into a film called On The Good Ship Lollipop. | 0:45:26 | 0:45:31 | |
That was the first film about it. It's an anagram - On the Good Ship Lollipop, Battle of Thermopylae. | 0:45:31 | 0:45:36 | |
It's exactly the same letters. | 0:45:36 | 0:45:38 | |
It's ALMOST exactly the same letters. | 0:45:38 | 0:45:42 | |
It was a Shirley Temple film. She was in her Jodie Foster Taxi Driver period. | 0:45:43 | 0:45:48 | |
She was trying to do more edgy children's films. | 0:45:48 | 0:45:50 | |
But anyway, she wanted... "I want to make film, one about the Spartans. | 0:45:50 | 0:45:54 | |
"About the Spartans at Thermopylae." They said, all right. | 0:45:54 | 0:45:56 | |
And it was On the Good Ship Lollipop, and they did that. | 0:45:56 | 0:45:58 | |
# On the good ship... # Argh! | 0:45:58 | 0:46:02 | |
Shirley! Spartan! | 0:46:05 | 0:46:08 | |
# Lollipop... # | 0:46:09 | 0:46:11 | |
But they tested it on children in America and the children actually exploded. | 0:46:14 | 0:46:19 | |
Shit, they're going! | 0:46:21 | 0:46:23 | |
So, they decided to edit all the violence out of the film, and you can't tell. | 0:46:23 | 0:46:26 | |
If you watch the film, you can't tell, except if you look at Shirley, when | 0:46:26 | 0:46:30 | |
she turns in a certain light, you can just see a little bit of blood coming out of here, down her chin. | 0:46:30 | 0:46:35 | |
But the Spartans were crazy. They would oil themselves before battle, so no one could take them alive. | 0:46:37 | 0:46:41 | |
I got him! Hang on. | 0:46:41 | 0:46:44 | |
These guys, it's like fighting fish over here, Xerxes. | 0:46:47 | 0:46:49 | |
Xerxes, put the Scrabble board down, mate. | 0:46:49 | 0:46:52 | |
Who invented travel Scrabble? | 0:46:53 | 0:46:55 | |
Come on, we're trying to do something here. These blokes... | 0:46:59 | 0:47:02 | |
And they were tactically very clever because 300 Spartans against 50,000, 100,000 Persians? | 0:47:02 | 0:47:07 | |
No one knows how many Persians. | 0:47:07 | 0:47:09 | |
They now think it could have been all the Persians. | 0:47:09 | 0:47:12 | |
Persia was empty that day, they believe. | 0:47:12 | 0:47:14 | |
If you'd walked into Persia, just empty, except for cats and carpets. | 0:47:14 | 0:47:18 | |
People just helping themselves. | 0:47:22 | 0:47:24 | |
We're here on the border of Persia and there's just people with carpets... | 0:47:24 | 0:47:29 | |
and cats trying to protect them. | 0:47:30 | 0:47:32 | |
Give us a carpet. Get away with a carpet. | 0:47:32 | 0:47:35 | |
Vote now. | 0:47:35 | 0:47:38 | |
The Spartans were clever as well, tactically clever. | 0:47:38 | 0:47:40 | |
They got the Persians to attack them in a very narrow place, | 0:47:40 | 0:47:42 | |
which was the corridor of a student union party. | 0:47:42 | 0:47:45 | |
Get our cake mix out the window! | 0:47:47 | 0:47:49 | |
Take the booze, run! | 0:47:49 | 0:47:50 | |
Take the Watney's Red Barrel! | 0:47:50 | 0:47:52 | |
I didn't have that, no. It was more Tennent's. | 0:47:55 | 0:47:58 | |
Cans of lager. | 0:47:58 | 0:48:00 | |
Anyway... So, yes, so that was the Spartans. | 0:48:00 | 0:48:04 | |
Greeks fought in the phalanx. They would have a whole group of people with 20 foot spears. | 0:48:04 | 0:48:08 | |
You couldn't get at them, they had 20 foot spears. | 0:48:08 | 0:48:10 | |
Unless one of your group was crazy enough to say, don't worry, I'll lead the way! A-ha! | 0:48:10 | 0:48:15 | |
Sacrifice himself on the spear. | 0:48:17 | 0:48:19 | |
Ha ha ha ha! | 0:48:19 | 0:48:21 | |
Ha ha! | 0:48:25 | 0:48:26 | |
Argh! | 0:48:26 | 0:48:28 | |
Oh, God... | 0:48:30 | 0:48:32 | |
Ha ha ha! | 0:48:37 | 0:48:40 | |
Whoa hoo! | 0:48:40 | 0:48:42 | |
Ha! Oh, I can't do that. | 0:48:42 | 0:48:44 | |
Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! | 0:48:44 | 0:48:48 | |
Shit. | 0:48:49 | 0:48:51 | |
Ha ha ha ha! | 0:48:52 | 0:48:54 | |
Ha ha! Argh! | 0:48:54 | 0:48:57 | |
Ha ha ha. | 0:48:57 | 0:48:59 | |
Eurgh. | 0:48:59 | 0:49:00 | |
Hee hee hee hee! Ha ha! | 0:49:06 | 0:49:09 | |
Told you. | 0:49:09 | 0:49:11 | |
Extra two foot on my spear. | 0:49:11 | 0:49:13 | |
God, he's heavy. I'm going to wiggle him off the end. | 0:49:15 | 0:49:18 | |
Thunk! Thunk! Oh, crap! | 0:49:22 | 0:49:24 | |
They'll think you're signalling! I'm not, I'm just trying to get | 0:49:31 | 0:49:34 | |
a dead guy off the end of my spear. | 0:49:34 | 0:49:37 | |
They'll probably think he's a pole vaulter having a really weird... | 0:49:39 | 0:49:41 | |
Having a real tough day at the office. | 0:49:41 | 0:49:43 | |
These gigs are just for me, you realise. | 0:49:53 | 0:49:56 | |
Come off my spear! Bastard! | 0:50:02 | 0:50:07 | |
Hang on. OK. | 0:50:09 | 0:50:11 | |
OK, I can't see anything. I can't see anything. | 0:50:11 | 0:50:16 | |
Hang on, hang on... OK. | 0:50:18 | 0:50:21 | |
I'm good. | 0:50:21 | 0:50:22 | |
Then the Romans came in with a short, pointy sword, turned it sideways and went... Ha ha! | 0:50:26 | 0:50:29 | |
Hang on, hang on, hang on! | 0:50:31 | 0:50:33 | |
Welcome to the second line of defence. | 0:50:39 | 0:50:45 | |
I'm just going to get a sherbet or something. | 0:50:45 | 0:50:47 | |
The Romans took over everything, they built aqueducts, viaducts. | 0:50:48 | 0:50:51 | |
They could move ducks around faster than anyone ever had. | 0:50:51 | 0:50:53 | |
Everyone was confused by this brilliant move | 0:50:55 | 0:50:58 | |
that meant that ducks were always in difficult places to get at. | 0:50:58 | 0:51:02 | |
You never knew... Where were these ducks coming from? | 0:51:02 | 0:51:05 | |
Even the ducks were going, we don't know why we're here. | 0:51:05 | 0:51:07 | |
And the Roman's going, I think they're supposed to be on water, really. | 0:51:07 | 0:51:11 | |
And the men seemed to rule the empires. | 0:51:11 | 0:51:13 | |
In fact, the women ruled the empires with the use of poison. | 0:51:13 | 0:51:16 | |
And the men would say, I, Lucius, I will kill Gaius Cassius and I will be Emperor of Rome. | 0:51:16 | 0:51:22 | |
And the women would say, good luck, Lucius, have a peach before you go. | 0:51:22 | 0:51:25 | |
Thank you, Calpurnia. | 0:51:25 | 0:51:27 | |
People of Rome... | 0:51:27 | 0:51:28 | |
Now my young, three-year-old idiot duck son will become... | 0:51:31 | 0:51:35 | |
Quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack! | 0:51:37 | 0:51:40 | |
The Romans did a hell of a lot, man. | 0:51:43 | 0:51:46 | |
They did a hell of a lot, very industrious, very good at killing, death by death. | 0:51:46 | 0:51:49 | |
Death by killing with big, pointy things. | 0:51:51 | 0:51:54 | |
They were good at that, but they did this with a language which we know from school is silly. | 0:51:54 | 0:51:58 | |
It's too bloody complicated. | 0:51:58 | 0:52:01 | |
It's just got nouns that are masculine, feminine, neuter, | 0:52:01 | 0:52:04 | |
bisexual, hermaphrodite and straight transvestite. | 0:52:04 | 0:52:07 | |
They have an accusative, a nominative, a vocative, a locative, an ablative, a dative and genitive. | 0:52:07 | 0:52:13 | |
Couldn't they have had 19 more? | 0:52:13 | 0:52:16 | |
I mean why stop at 27? | 0:52:16 | 0:52:18 | |
I mean, it goes on. If somebody says, do you want a beer? | 0:52:18 | 0:52:21 | |
You are stuck in the idea of I'm the object, I. | 0:52:21 | 0:52:25 | |
The beer's the object. No, I want a beer. | 0:52:25 | 0:52:27 | |
Yes, I do. Yes is affirmative. | 0:52:27 | 0:52:29 | |
I want affirmative action, but the beer is... You are the object. | 0:52:29 | 0:52:32 | |
No, the beer is the object. The beer is coming towards me, that's | 0:52:32 | 0:52:35 | |
a motion towards, so dative has got to be in there somewhere. | 0:52:35 | 0:52:38 | |
Just mime me an answer. Thumb? | 0:52:38 | 0:52:42 | |
Yeah, all right, mate. | 0:52:42 | 0:52:44 | |
How did they get the messages out? When Hannibal attacked through | 0:52:44 | 0:52:46 | |
Spain, up and over the Alps, how did they get the message out? | 0:52:46 | 0:52:50 | |
I mean, because Hannibal actually won a whole bunch of battles and maybe that was because they | 0:52:50 | 0:52:53 | |
just couldn't speak to each other quick enough. | 0:52:53 | 0:52:55 | |
Messengers running from one battle to another going, Centurion, Centurion! | 0:52:55 | 0:52:59 | |
Alarum, alarum miserarum. | 0:52:59 | 0:53:03 | |
Minerarium, miserarium. | 0:53:03 | 0:53:05 | |
Alarum miserarium. | 0:53:05 | 0:53:07 | |
Touten de soldatens, errr... | 0:53:07 | 0:53:11 | |
Mourati on the party. | 0:53:11 | 0:53:15 | |
Quod the fuck is the... | 0:53:15 | 0:53:18 | |
Quod erat demonstrandum? | 0:53:18 | 0:53:20 | |
Ich bin messengare. | 0:53:22 | 0:53:24 | |
Si, naturellement. | 0:53:24 | 0:53:25 | |
Und ich couriere nach here from a long way away | 0:53:28 | 0:53:32 | |
mit newsum tres mauvaises de le battle arium, the battalium, | 0:53:32 | 0:53:38 | |
the pugnacco of the peoples and the tuti of the mutis | 0:53:38 | 0:53:44 | |
on the booties. | 0:53:44 | 0:53:47 | |
Quod the fuck are you talking about here? | 0:53:47 | 0:53:49 | |
It's difficlarium. | 0:53:51 | 0:53:53 | |
Hannibal! Hannibal? | 0:53:53 | 0:53:56 | |
Hannibal? Si, Hannibal! | 0:53:56 | 0:53:58 | |
Oh, didus knock mentanatem Hannibal? | 0:53:58 | 0:54:01 | |
Si, si, Generalissimo Hannibal. | 0:54:01 | 0:54:03 | |
Hannibal? C'est tres dangereux! Si. | 0:54:03 | 0:54:05 | |
Er kommt, mein Herr. | 0:54:05 | 0:54:07 | |
Arriverarm, arrivederci? | 0:54:10 | 0:54:12 | |
No. Arriveramus? | 0:54:12 | 0:54:14 | |
Is... Veni, vidi, vici! Veni, vidi, vici? | 0:54:16 | 0:54:20 | |
Si, veni, vidi, vici. Hannibal. | 0:54:20 | 0:54:22 | |
Mit soldates? | 0:54:22 | 0:54:23 | |
Si, mit soldates. | 0:54:23 | 0:54:25 | |
No, tout seul, bucket and spade on holiday, I think. | 0:54:25 | 0:54:30 | |
Naturellement mit soldates, mit total soldates. | 0:54:30 | 0:54:33 | |
Multo soldates, infinitata soldates. | 0:54:33 | 0:54:36 | |
Infinidate soldates is mathemelaticus totally impossibiliatus. | 0:54:36 | 0:54:40 | |
No, ask Pythagoratus. | 0:54:44 | 0:54:49 | |
Yes, ist te truthum. | 0:54:49 | 0:54:51 | |
Is the veritum. | 0:54:51 | 0:54:55 | |
Pi? | 0:54:55 | 0:54:57 | |
Danke schoen. | 0:54:57 | 0:54:59 | |
Have you tried just not cooking this? | 0:55:05 | 0:55:07 | |
C'est pas mal, c'est pas mal, mate. | 0:55:11 | 0:55:13 | |
Rhetorical... | 0:55:13 | 0:55:15 | |
Gas markum quoi? | 0:55:15 | 0:55:17 | |
Gas markum 3.141. | 0:55:19 | 0:55:22 | |
Aah! | 0:55:22 | 0:55:25 | |
It's a jokum, it's a jokum. | 0:55:25 | 0:55:27 | |
He's a funny lad. Ha ha ha! | 0:55:27 | 0:55:30 | |
High fives, Pythagoratus. | 0:55:30 | 0:55:33 | |
Square of the hypotenuse. | 0:55:33 | 0:55:36 | |
Have you finished? No! | 0:55:36 | 0:55:40 | |
Because cette fois | 0:55:40 | 0:55:42 | |
Hannibal is coming round the mountain when he comes. | 0:55:44 | 0:55:47 | |
Is coming round the mountains when he comes. | 0:55:49 | 0:55:51 | |
Coming round the mountains? Coming round the mountains? | 0:55:51 | 0:55:53 | |
Coming round the mountains when he comes. | 0:55:53 | 0:55:57 | |
Singing... | 0:55:57 | 0:55:59 | |
An tik tika tika bong, tika pok tika ding, tika ding dang doh, ee tika tika tika taki di bong. | 0:55:59 | 0:56:06 | |
Mit pink pyjamas? | 0:56:07 | 0:56:10 | |
Kein pink pyjamas. | 0:56:10 | 0:56:12 | |
Cette fois er kommt mit elephantein. | 0:56:12 | 0:56:15 | |
Elephantein? | 0:56:16 | 0:56:18 | |
What the fuck elephantein erat? | 0:56:18 | 0:56:20 | |
Elephantein tres dangereux. | 0:56:20 | 0:56:22 | |
Elephantein tres mysteriosum. | 0:56:22 | 0:56:24 | |
Front part is elephantain and is similaris con ein squirrel. | 0:56:24 | 0:56:28 | |
Hey, man, don't take the piss out of me. | 0:56:30 | 0:56:34 | |
I'm just here, you know, | 0:56:34 | 0:56:36 | |
looking for my wife. | 0:56:36 | 0:56:39 | |
Have you seen a boat? | 0:56:39 | 0:56:42 | |
Imaginatus maximum squirrel upside downus, back to frontus. | 0:56:43 | 0:56:47 | |
Tailum ist nosum. | 0:56:47 | 0:56:49 | |
Tailum ist nosum. | 0:56:49 | 0:56:51 | |
Back part is elephantein is smilarus con a magnus pigus. Bigus pigus. | 0:56:54 | 0:57:00 | |
Bike pump. | 0:57:00 | 0:57:02 | |
Attachum mit duct tape. | 0:57:02 | 0:57:04 | |
That is elephantein. | 0:57:04 | 0:57:05 | |
Das ist elephantein? | 0:57:05 | 0:57:07 | |
Run, motherfucker! | 0:57:07 | 0:57:08 | |
It's too big, too long. | 0:57:13 | 0:57:15 | |
All that takes far too long and Hannibal would overrun them and kill them all and set up a charity. | 0:57:17 | 0:57:23 | |
English is good. It's taken off because it's such a simple language at its base level. | 0:57:23 | 0:57:28 | |
Hannibal's coming! Hannibal? What with? Soldiers. How many? Tons. | 0:57:28 | 0:57:32 | |
What else? Elephants. What are they? Pigs and squirrels. Run! | 0:57:32 | 0:57:34 | |
The English have gone, the English have gone. | 0:57:36 | 0:57:40 | |
Oh, God, they had such a quick language. | 0:57:40 | 0:57:43 | |
You have to have a tea party to work out the Latin stuff. | 0:57:43 | 0:57:45 | |
Yes, we got rid of one of our yous. We had two yous, we got rid of one. | 0:57:45 | 0:57:49 | |
The whole familiar you. Aren't you my father? | 0:57:49 | 0:57:52 | |
And the unfamiliar you. Who the fuck are you guys? | 0:57:52 | 0:57:55 | |
So, we got rid of the first one. That was all the thee and the thou one that the Pilgrims used. | 0:57:58 | 0:58:02 | |
Wouldst thee, wouldst thou, would thee, thy, thum... | 0:58:02 | 0:58:06 | |
Wouldst thou? Thou wilt disagree. | 0:58:06 | 0:58:08 | |
Thou wilt have a bad time over the fact that thou didst send us away. | 0:58:08 | 0:58:12 | |
Why don't you all just go? | 0:58:12 | 0:58:15 | |
Go and hang in the middle of the country. | 0:58:15 | 0:58:18 | |
So, yeah. The Romans all died | 0:58:18 | 0:58:22 | |
in a chariot crash and then | 0:58:22 | 0:58:25 | |
Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18...scritty swam swums. | 0:58:26 | 0:58:30 | |
And that book was an interesting book because it was called, Monkey, | 0:58:32 | 0:58:35 | |
Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, You! | 0:58:35 | 0:58:38 | |
And, you know, it just took off | 0:58:41 | 0:58:47 | |
like wildfire and it caused an outrage in the monkey kingdom. | 0:58:47 | 0:58:52 | |
Monkeys were furious about it. | 0:58:52 | 0:58:54 | |
Oh, God, they were flinging poo at electrical fans that had been specially set up for the occasion. | 0:58:54 | 0:59:00 | |
Because the shit hits the fan is a saying that is post electricity. | 0:59:00 | 0:59:04 | |
Pre electricity it's just... | 0:59:04 | 0:59:06 | |
Did you just throw a poo at my fan? | 0:59:09 | 0:59:11 | |
What's the point of that? | 0:59:13 | 0:59:15 | |
You want me to switch the electricity on? | 0:59:15 | 0:59:18 | |
Well, we've only just had it wired up. | 0:59:18 | 0:59:20 | |
I don't see what a... | 0:59:20 | 0:59:23 | |
Oh, I see, yes, yes. | 0:59:23 | 0:59:26 | |
Yes, the shit has certainly hit the fan now. | 0:59:26 | 0:59:29 | |
Before electricity all they had was, then the shit will really hit the Archimedes screw. | 0:59:32 | 0:59:38 | |
Much slower. | 0:59:39 | 0:59:41 | |
So, yes... So, that was it, evolution, evolution. | 0:59:41 | 0:59:47 | |
And we have evolution all the way from the beginning up to now, | 0:59:47 | 0:59:50 | |
including all of us, the genetics that go through us, the inbreeding, non inbreeding, the Royal family. | 0:59:50 | 0:59:56 | |
Well, it's good that the Royal Family... | 0:59:56 | 1:00:00 | |
They shouldn't have sex with people. The idea of being commoners... | 1:00:00 | 1:00:02 | |
We have an idea of commoners. Commoners is a horrible word. | 1:00:02 | 1:00:04 | |
I think it should be real people. | 1:00:04 | 1:00:07 | |
That's what the House of Commons should be, the House of Real People. | 1:00:07 | 1:00:10 | |
And the commoners, they're the real people, you see? | 1:00:10 | 1:00:13 | |
So, the Queen Mother, she was always crazy. | 1:00:13 | 1:00:15 | |
She was shot out of a cannon for her funeral, as you know. | 1:00:15 | 1:00:19 | |
That was her dying wish, shoot me out of a cannon. | 1:00:19 | 1:00:22 | |
It was kind of a Robin Hood thing going on there. | 1:00:24 | 1:00:27 | |
Because she was a Scottish lady, oh, yes. | 1:00:27 | 1:00:29 | |
She was. You never heard her speak. | 1:00:29 | 1:00:31 | |
Do you remember? The last 40 years, you never heard a word, | 1:00:31 | 1:00:34 | |
but she was there going, "Will you shoot me out of a cannon? Come on. | 1:00:34 | 1:00:37 | |
"I'd like to see the Solent one more time before I land on the Isle of Wight. | 1:00:37 | 1:00:42 | |
"Come on, you fucker, | 1:00:42 | 1:00:44 | |
"give us a break." | 1:00:44 | 1:00:46 | |
Something like that. | 1:00:46 | 1:00:48 | |
But the Queen, I just have a problem with monarchy, because | 1:00:48 | 1:00:51 | |
obviously in the third millennium hereditary privilege is insane. | 1:00:51 | 1:00:55 | |
Yes, I hear your silent yes. | 1:00:55 | 1:00:56 | |
Hereditary privilege? How do you explain that to children? | 1:00:56 | 1:01:00 | |
Why do some people live in fantastic houses and we give them cash out of our taxes? | 1:01:00 | 1:01:06 | |
Because, errr... | 1:01:07 | 1:01:10 | |
I don't know, that's a good question, small child. Yes. | 1:01:10 | 1:01:15 | |
Well, it is an interesting question. You know, it's got to change. | 1:01:18 | 1:01:21 | |
I think Charlie's doing something, you know, he's doing organic farming, he's doing stuff. | 1:01:21 | 1:01:26 | |
The charity he does is good. | 1:01:26 | 1:01:28 | |
Some of the kids are doing stuff, but Liz and Phil, Liz and Phil haven't done anything. | 1:01:28 | 1:01:31 | |
Liz and Phil just sat there. Because they got in at '52 and then | 1:01:31 | 1:01:34 | |
immediately the Queen introduced the new... | 1:01:34 | 1:01:36 | |
Then in the '60s, the Queen decided to change the way that... | 1:01:39 | 1:01:43 | |
And she encouraged people to... | 1:01:43 | 1:01:45 | |
And in the '70s, she completely redistributed... | 1:01:45 | 1:01:49 | |
And realised she had too much wealth, so she decided to... | 1:01:49 | 1:01:52 | |
Then in the '80s they set up a charity to do... | 1:01:54 | 1:01:58 | |
And then they encouraged other people to... | 1:01:58 | 1:02:01 | |
And in the '90s, they just totally relaxed, and they said, everyone, why don't you... | 1:02:01 | 1:02:05 | |
And then in the 2000s they've set a great example by... | 1:02:06 | 1:02:09 | |
Stop me at any point. | 1:02:17 | 1:02:19 | |
I think she's got 20 years left. She's in there, but she essentially does what she does on the stamps. | 1:02:21 | 1:02:26 | |
Do something! Just do something! | 1:02:30 | 1:02:33 | |
Open your house up! Give all your houses away! Change something! | 1:02:33 | 1:02:36 | |
Do something! Change your hair. Smoke a cigarette. Drive a car. | 1:02:36 | 1:02:40 | |
Wave a bit. Fucking wave. Where's the fucking wave? | 1:02:40 | 1:02:44 | |
We pay good money, we want some fucking waving. | 1:02:44 | 1:02:46 | |
Got cash, got cash, do waves. | 1:02:52 | 1:02:56 | |
Don't you think? | 1:02:56 | 1:02:57 | |
Anyway, so, evolution. | 1:03:00 | 1:03:02 | |
We can see evolution with fish. Fish swim in the sea, they're very thin, they breathe through their necks | 1:03:02 | 1:03:08 | |
and they just seem to be... | 1:03:08 | 1:03:11 | |
They have very short memories, I believe, fish, and so they seem | 1:03:11 | 1:03:15 | |
to just be going, oh, oh, oh, oh... | 1:03:15 | 1:03:17 | |
As if someone's just told them, you realise you're fish and you have very short memories. | 1:03:17 | 1:03:21 | |
Oh. Oh. | 1:03:21 | 1:03:24 | |
Oh. | 1:03:24 | 1:03:26 | |
Oh, I didn't realise. | 1:03:26 | 1:03:28 | |
Oh, no. | 1:03:28 | 1:03:30 | |
And then the mudskipper is a fish that walks along on its legs. | 1:03:30 | 1:03:34 | |
You can see the evolution with the mudskipper going along. | 1:03:34 | 1:03:36 | |
And if you look right deep into his eyes you can see him going, I'm almost there, I'm almost there. | 1:03:36 | 1:03:40 | |
One day I'll have a house and a Ferrari. | 1:03:40 | 1:03:43 | |
I'll work on the Stock Exchange and lose loads of money down a toilet. | 1:03:45 | 1:03:49 | |
And then fish fly! | 1:03:52 | 1:03:54 | |
Fish fly in the sky. They must be up there going, oh! Oh, wow! | 1:03:54 | 1:03:58 | |
And then they must stop in trees occasionally and go, oh. | 1:03:58 | 1:04:01 | |
And then birds are in trees, they're going, who the fuck are you guys? | 1:04:01 | 1:04:05 | |
Oh, no. | 1:04:05 | 1:04:07 | |
Oh, oh. | 1:04:07 | 1:04:09 | |
We're birds, we eat fish. Oh, crap. | 1:04:09 | 1:04:13 | |
Oh. | 1:04:13 | 1:04:15 | |
Fly, Freddie, fly! | 1:04:15 | 1:04:17 | |
Have you ever seen birds chasing fish in the air? | 1:04:20 | 1:04:22 | |
It just looks so... You go, I got to have a drink, that's weird. | 1:04:22 | 1:04:25 | |
So, that's the fish side, that's evolution. | 1:04:27 | 1:04:30 | |
Then on the creation side, God got the world and he went, boom! | 1:04:30 | 1:04:34 | |
There it is, it's blue, don't fuck it up. | 1:04:34 | 1:04:37 | |
Can't stand the man. | 1:04:40 | 1:04:42 | |
We don't know what that means. It's just funny, but we don't know why. | 1:04:44 | 1:04:50 | |
But, no, he didn't do it in one go. | 1:04:50 | 1:04:51 | |
Which, I think, why take six days over it? | 1:04:51 | 1:04:54 | |
Why not just go, boom! He did it six days with one day for prayer. | 1:04:54 | 1:04:56 | |
Why not do two seconds, boomba! | 1:04:56 | 1:04:59 | |
Fazoom! And then you've got seven days for prayer. | 1:04:59 | 1:05:02 | |
And they could just be up there going, God, you're really great, you're really fantastic. | 1:05:02 | 1:05:07 | |
Dear God, we thank you, especially for what you did on Tuesday. | 1:05:07 | 1:05:09 | |
That was really... Was it Tuesday? | 1:05:09 | 1:05:11 | |
No, never. That's right. | 1:05:11 | 1:05:13 | |
You never wake up and you hear, God's given everyone an extra banana. What a wonderful day it is! | 1:05:13 | 1:05:18 | |
Extra banana for everyone. | 1:05:18 | 1:05:20 | |
Never. | 1:05:20 | 1:05:22 | |
Anyway, six days of making the Earth, like he's making a train set for his kids. | 1:05:22 | 1:05:27 | |
After a while, small animals will be following going, who are you? | 1:05:29 | 1:05:33 | |
I'm God. Why are you taking so long? | 1:05:33 | 1:05:37 | |
We've got no food. | 1:05:37 | 1:05:39 | |
All right, I'll make you food. | 1:05:39 | 1:05:41 | |
Sorry about that. What are you, badgers? Squirrels? | 1:05:41 | 1:05:44 | |
Chicken? | 1:05:44 | 1:05:46 | |
We eat nuts, man. | 1:05:48 | 1:05:50 | |
Have you seen a boat? | 1:05:50 | 1:05:52 | |
Haven't made them yet. | 1:05:52 | 1:05:54 | |
Well, what am I doing here? | 1:05:54 | 1:05:56 | |
Right, badgers. Badgers eat bok choy. | 1:05:56 | 1:05:59 | |
No, we don't. | 1:06:01 | 1:06:03 | |
Not eating that. It's supposed to be pak choi, anyway. | 1:06:05 | 1:06:07 | |
It's called bok choy. Pak choi. Mandarin. Cantonese. | 1:06:07 | 1:06:10 | |
Not eating it. All right, sprouting broccoli. | 1:06:14 | 1:06:18 | |
Ugh! | 1:06:18 | 1:06:20 | |
Holy crap, | 1:06:22 | 1:06:25 | |
I see badgers can be choosers. | 1:06:25 | 1:06:27 | |
What? | 1:06:31 | 1:06:33 | |
What, you've heard too many bok choy, pak choi, sprouting broccoli, | 1:06:33 | 1:06:37 | |
badger creationist jokes this week? | 1:06:37 | 1:06:40 | |
Oh, yeah, up to here, every other person saying them. | 1:06:40 | 1:06:43 | |
Can't... Just wading through them this Christmas. | 1:06:43 | 1:06:47 | |
That old chestnut. | 1:06:47 | 1:06:50 | |
Didn't the Greeks use that one? | 1:06:50 | 1:06:52 | |
Fuck off. | 1:06:52 | 1:06:54 | |
All right, Mr Badger, | 1:06:57 | 1:06:59 | |
creme brulee you shall eat. | 1:06:59 | 1:07:01 | |
Creme brulee? That's hardly brulee, that's singed. | 1:07:01 | 1:07:04 | |
All right, that's creme flambee now. | 1:07:07 | 1:07:09 | |
Creme brulee, creme flambee, where did you learn French? | 1:07:09 | 1:07:12 | |
While you were pissing about making the Earth. | 1:07:12 | 1:07:15 | |
I was on Rosetta Stone. | 1:07:15 | 1:07:17 | |
We were all sitting around there going, | 1:07:19 | 1:07:21 | |
La chaise est sur l'elephant. | 1:07:21 | 1:07:25 | |
I don't know what he's talking about. | 1:07:25 | 1:07:28 | |
Day one | 1:07:30 | 1:07:32 | |
in the giant squid diaries. | 1:07:32 | 1:07:34 | |
Nothing, it's a void. Day three, isn't it? | 1:07:36 | 1:07:39 | |
Shit, running out of ink. | 1:07:39 | 1:07:41 | |
Why, why, why? There's no water yet. | 1:07:41 | 1:07:44 | |
Bugger, bugger. All right. | 1:07:44 | 1:07:46 | |
Give me another Letts diary, will you? | 1:07:46 | 1:07:48 | |
Do you remember those? | 1:07:49 | 1:07:52 | |
Every Christmas you get your Letts diary. | 1:07:52 | 1:07:54 | |
You fill in just the first six days and then blank. | 1:07:54 | 1:07:58 | |
Did everyone do that? Then about June you'd rediscover it and start filling it in again. | 1:07:59 | 1:08:03 | |
Then you'd backfill it with lessons. | 1:08:03 | 1:08:06 | |
OK, I saw one kid doing that. | 1:08:07 | 1:08:09 | |
Anyway, creationism has turned, through the mind of a Sarah Palin, into intelligent design. | 1:08:12 | 1:08:17 | |
And I have two problems with intelligent design. | 1:08:17 | 1:08:19 | |
One is the intelligence part of it, and the other is the design part of it. | 1:08:19 | 1:08:23 | |
Because, you know, there's some things which are wonderful | 1:08:23 | 1:08:26 | |
and some things that are horrible, disgusting. | 1:08:26 | 1:08:29 | |
Cancer. Intelligent design, or just weird fucking stuff going on? | 1:08:29 | 1:08:32 | |
Cholera, all those things. | 1:08:32 | 1:08:35 | |
If we were God for half an hour, we would ban poo and pee. | 1:08:35 | 1:08:38 | |
Why do we have poo and pee? You say, oh, waste products. Why not just eat food and do stuff? | 1:08:38 | 1:08:43 | |
There's no logic to waste products. | 1:08:43 | 1:08:45 | |
Just efficient use of energy. | 1:08:45 | 1:08:47 | |
Eat it and boom, go do stuff. Poo and pee causes all those... Coughs and sneezes spread diseases. | 1:08:47 | 1:08:52 | |
All the poo and peeing diseases, cholera, all that... | 1:08:52 | 1:08:54 | |
Out the window, if we were God. | 1:08:54 | 1:08:57 | |
And then you'd say, you might need the poo for crops. Well, no, the crops grow because of sunlight. | 1:08:57 | 1:09:00 | |
Or because they want to. | 1:09:00 | 1:09:03 | |
Remember, you're God. | 1:09:03 | 1:09:05 | |
So the appendix, it sits next to your oesophagus your entire life going, any grass? | 1:09:06 | 1:09:10 | |
ls that grass, mate? ls that grass? | 1:09:10 | 1:09:12 | |
What's that, bok choi? No? | 1:09:12 | 1:09:14 | |
Arsehole. What's that, spinach? | 1:09:14 | 1:09:19 | |
Well, do you want... Forget it. | 1:09:19 | 1:09:22 | |
No, it's horrible. I don't want to touch it. | 1:09:22 | 1:09:24 | |
We've got an appendix here, but forget it. | 1:09:24 | 1:09:26 | |
Asparagus! That's like grass, isn't it? | 1:09:26 | 1:09:28 | |
Big grass? Big grass, mate? Do you want to run it through me and Jimbo? | 1:09:28 | 1:09:32 | |
Machine? One careful owner. | 1:09:32 | 1:09:34 | |
This is insane. I'm calling Intelligent Design. | 1:09:34 | 1:09:39 | |
Intelligent Design? Yeah, it's the appendix. Yes, the appendix. | 1:09:42 | 1:09:47 | |
Any news? | 1:09:47 | 1:09:50 | |
Well, what the fuck are we doing? | 1:09:50 | 1:09:53 | |
Did you put us here on duty to deal with the grass? | 1:09:53 | 1:09:55 | |
I mean, it doesn't eat grass. | 1:09:55 | 1:09:57 | |
Haven't you noticed? | 1:09:57 | 1:09:59 | |
it might be evolution. | 1:09:59 | 1:10:01 | |
Yeah, well, it might be, motherfucker. | 1:10:03 | 1:10:07 | |
We don't want to be here. We're just sitting here, doing nothing. | 1:10:07 | 1:10:09 | |
We want to be somewhere else. Where? | 1:10:09 | 1:10:12 | |
Er... We want to be in the back of books. | 1:10:14 | 1:10:17 | |
You put an appendix in the back of books. | 1:10:22 | 1:10:24 | |
Go on, put it there, and then, we don't want page numbers, we want Roman numerals. | 1:10:24 | 1:10:29 | |
Real teeny, tiny ones. | 1:10:29 | 1:10:32 | |
And then we want endless lists of rubbish that no-one ever reads. | 1:10:32 | 1:10:35 | |
Or, they'd read two or three of them and then go, oh, this is crap. | 1:10:35 | 1:10:38 | |
And then they go back. You do that. | 1:10:38 | 1:10:40 | |
Otherwise... Otherwise we will explode. | 1:10:40 | 1:10:43 | |
Your appendix explodes, just like John Hurt in the film Alien when that thing comes out. | 1:10:48 | 1:10:51 | |
And that looks like an appendix with teeth. | 1:10:51 | 1:10:54 | |
Your appendix very rarely gets huge and eats the rest of your crew. That's true. | 1:10:54 | 1:11:00 | |
But that's it. Cows have four stomachs. | 1:11:00 | 1:11:01 | |
Why do they have four stomachs? Why not one stomach? | 1:11:01 | 1:11:04 | |
Why don't they do it like us, just eat stuff and then poo or pee? | 1:11:04 | 1:11:07 | |
They have four crappy stomachs, or useless stomachs. | 1:11:07 | 1:11:11 | |
They eat food, it comes back up, they chew it again, it goes back down. It comes back up. | 1:11:11 | 1:11:14 | |
It keeps going up and down. | 1:11:14 | 1:11:16 | |
By the fourth stomach, surely it's coming up and they're going... | 1:11:16 | 1:11:19 | |
This did not need to come back up. | 1:11:24 | 1:11:26 | |
This should have gone the other way. | 1:11:28 | 1:11:30 | |
I now understand "shit-eating grin". I know what it is. | 1:11:34 | 1:11:37 | |
Should be shit-eating grimace. | 1:11:37 | 1:11:40 | |
Cows should be in corners of fields going... | 1:11:42 | 1:11:46 | |
Never see that. Or they should be in cars going, moo. | 1:11:52 | 1:11:54 | |
We like him. | 1:11:58 | 1:12:00 | |
Moo. | 1:12:01 | 1:12:03 | |
Cow and raptor. | 1:12:03 | 1:12:06 | |
Cow, raptor. | 1:12:06 | 1:12:08 | |
Moo. | 1:12:08 | 1:12:11 | |
Go, cow, go. Moo. | 1:12:11 | 1:12:13 | |
Put all the moo in the bag. | 1:12:13 | 1:12:16 | |
Got lots of moo. | 1:12:16 | 1:12:18 | |
What the fuck is moo? | 1:12:20 | 1:12:22 | |
I think it's air. | 1:12:22 | 1:12:24 | |
Work on the first draft of this script. | 1:12:27 | 1:12:30 | |
So, I think we look for rules to live our lives. | 1:12:30 | 1:12:34 | |
And I decided to take all the religions in the world and all the philosophies, | 1:12:34 | 1:12:37 | |
because I think religions are philosophies with an extra top coat of mystical things, you know. | 1:12:37 | 1:12:42 | |
Stuff for people living in trees. Or clouds. | 1:12:42 | 1:12:45 | |
Or trees. | 1:12:45 | 1:12:46 | |
If a god lived in a tree that wouldn't work, would it? | 1:12:46 | 1:12:48 | |
I am a god. You're living in a tree. | 1:12:48 | 1:12:52 | |
You're like a bird, aren't you? | 1:12:52 | 1:12:54 | |
Yeah. | 1:12:54 | 1:12:56 | |
But... Oh, bugger. | 1:12:56 | 1:12:59 | |
What I chose from all the religions and faiths in the world, and I decided to try and live... | 1:12:59 | 1:13:04 | |
You know, you want some rule, direction to live your life by. | 1:13:04 | 1:13:07 | |
And "do unto others as you would have others do unto you" | 1:13:07 | 1:13:09 | |
seems to be one thing you can just grab hold of and is really good. | 1:13:09 | 1:13:13 | |
And it's not perfect, and you're going to be grumpy at people, or | 1:13:13 | 1:13:15 | |
shouting or whatever, but if you try that one, I think it's really good. | 1:13:15 | 1:13:18 | |
And you don't need anything else. | 1:13:18 | 1:13:20 | |
And then there's the Ten Commandments. Now, that's a lot of commandments. | 1:13:20 | 1:13:23 | |
I think humans, we like simplistic. | 1:13:23 | 1:13:25 | |
But anyway, Moses, charismatic individual, mentioned in the Bible, mentioned outside the Bible. | 1:13:25 | 1:13:28 | |
Grew up as an ancient Egyptian, which means he was an Egyptian who was really old at the age of three. | 1:13:28 | 1:13:34 | |
Oh, yes. | 1:13:34 | 1:13:36 | |
Come over here, young man. | 1:13:36 | 1:13:38 | |
Excited, are we? | 1:13:38 | 1:13:39 | |
He would say. And, so, he was actually a Hebrew person who was smuggled in and adopted. | 1:13:41 | 1:13:47 | |
And all the Hebrew people were enslaved in Egypt at that time | 1:13:47 | 1:13:51 | |
because they were there on holiday and it all went pear-shaped. | 1:13:51 | 1:13:55 | |
And Moses grew up and he killed a slave owner | 1:13:55 | 1:13:58 | |
and he rushed off and hid and became a shepherd to get out of... | 1:13:58 | 1:14:02 | |
being sent... Put on trial, whatever it was. | 1:14:02 | 1:14:05 | |
And while he was up on the mountain with his sheep, a bush caught fire. | 1:14:05 | 1:14:09 | |
And he said, right, come on, sheep, get out of here. It's looking kind of biblical around here. | 1:14:09 | 1:14:13 | |
And the bush said, Moses, Moses, come back here. | 1:14:13 | 1:14:17 | |
And he said, hang on, sheep, just wait. What is it? | 1:14:17 | 1:14:20 | |
Moses, you must leave this place. | 1:14:20 | 1:14:22 | |
I was leaving when you called me back. | 1:14:22 | 1:14:26 | |
What the bloody hell do... No, I mean you must leave this place | 1:14:26 | 1:14:29 | |
in the short to mid-term future, on a geopolitical basis. | 1:14:29 | 1:14:34 | |
For fuck's sake, you're a very complicated bush. | 1:14:34 | 1:14:37 | |
We're not used to that round here. | 1:14:37 | 1:14:39 | |
So, yes. He ran over to the sheep. | 1:14:39 | 1:14:42 | |
It's a slow burn, he said to the sheep. | 1:14:45 | 1:14:47 | |
Look, sheep. I got to go. Get out of Dodge City. | 1:14:47 | 1:14:50 | |
You lads, you get out of here. Run, you run from here. | 1:14:50 | 1:14:53 | |
I have to go and do things. So you run and you find the Spartan sheep. | 1:14:53 | 1:14:56 | |
They will train you to be ninjas. | 1:14:56 | 1:14:57 | |
They will train you to be kamikaze. That's not really useful. | 1:14:57 | 1:15:01 | |
That's a kind of...thing. | 1:15:03 | 1:15:06 | |
All right, forget it, it's too complicated. What? | 1:15:06 | 1:15:08 | |
Moo. | 1:15:08 | 1:15:10 | |
You're mooing, sheep. You must find the Spartan sheep. | 1:15:10 | 1:15:13 | |
They will train you to become leaders of sheep. | 1:15:13 | 1:15:16 | |
And I'll meet you in the final scene. | 1:15:16 | 1:15:19 | |
OK. | 1:15:19 | 1:15:21 | |
So he runs off. He goes down to his friends and says, come on, lads, | 1:15:21 | 1:15:24 | |
we'll get all the Hebrew people and leave this desert. | 1:15:24 | 1:15:27 | |
Let's go to a desert. | 1:15:27 | 1:15:30 | |
Yeah, change is as good as a rest. | 1:15:30 | 1:15:33 | |
I want to go to Surrey. No, it's a bit rainy there. | 1:15:33 | 1:15:36 | |
Let's go to the desert. | 1:15:38 | 1:15:40 | |
He says, let's go tonight, under the cover of frogs. | 1:15:40 | 1:15:42 | |
So... Cos there were ten plagues that landed on Egypt. | 1:15:42 | 1:15:46 | |
And, you know, there's a plague of flies. | 1:15:46 | 1:15:49 | |
Plague of locusts. | 1:15:49 | 1:15:50 | |
And a plague of frogs was one of the weirdest plagues I've ever heard of. | 1:15:50 | 1:15:55 | |
If that came from God, he had lost his marbles. | 1:15:55 | 1:15:58 | |
Because a plague of frogs is not a plague, is it? | 1:15:58 | 1:16:00 | |
It's just a lot of frogs. | 1:16:00 | 1:16:02 | |
It's more frogs than usual. | 1:16:02 | 1:16:05 | |
To be a plague, you have to be able to go, the flies, the flies! | 1:16:05 | 1:16:09 | |
The locusts, the locusts! | 1:16:09 | 1:16:11 | |
And you're never going, the frogs, the frogs! I'm drowning in frogs! | 1:16:11 | 1:16:16 | |
Help me, Mama, help me! Pull Jimby out of the fil... | 1:16:16 | 1:16:19 | |
Out of the frog pit. | 1:16:19 | 1:16:21 | |
The pit of frogs. | 1:16:21 | 1:16:23 | |
The frogs have got him. Don't lick their backs. | 1:16:23 | 1:16:25 | |
Who came up with a hallucinogenic back of a toad? Was that God on crack cocaine? | 1:16:26 | 1:16:31 | |
Look. Beezus, just look at this. | 1:16:31 | 1:16:33 | |
Beezus, lick the back of that. | 1:16:33 | 1:16:35 | |
Lick that. Lick the back of that toad. | 1:16:35 | 1:16:37 | |
Lick the back of that toad. | 1:16:37 | 1:16:39 | |
Dad, you've said that for half an hour now. | 1:16:39 | 1:16:42 | |
Beezus, you're covered in something. What, Dad? | 1:16:42 | 1:16:46 | |
Wow, this is really good toad. | 1:16:47 | 1:16:50 | |
This is a good year. What year is this? Nothing 27. | 1:16:50 | 1:16:53 | |
Wow, excellent toad year. | 1:16:53 | 1:16:55 | |
Toads came up with the line, you lick my back, and I'll lick yours. | 1:16:56 | 1:17:00 | |
If he created a frog plague, then he must have been going, all right, | 1:17:00 | 1:17:05 | |
Tesus, Beezus, Desus, Elsus, I want another plague. You've had ten, Dad. | 1:17:05 | 1:17:09 | |
Well, you've had nine. This'll be the tenth. | 1:17:09 | 1:17:12 | |
You had a plague of toads, and a plague of helicopters, a plague of | 1:17:12 | 1:17:15 | |
people with weird haircuts, plague of dripping. | 1:17:15 | 1:17:19 | |
The dripping, the dripping. | 1:17:19 | 1:17:23 | |
But there's no bread. | 1:17:23 | 1:17:26 | |
I want another plague. | 1:17:27 | 1:17:29 | |
Who are those green lads over there? | 1:17:29 | 1:17:31 | |
They're frogs, they're playing canasta, world championship. | 1:17:31 | 1:17:34 | |
Who's winning? | 1:17:34 | 1:17:36 | |
Frogs are, 2-1. | 1:17:36 | 1:17:37 | |
Who are they playing? Other frogs. | 1:17:37 | 1:17:41 | |
Put them in a DC-9, I want them down. | 1:17:41 | 1:17:44 | |
Great Pharaoh, huge, green monsters are falling from the... | 1:17:44 | 1:17:47 | |
Small green monsters, quite small. | 1:17:47 | 1:17:50 | |
Just frogs. | 1:17:50 | 1:17:52 | |
Ribbet! | 1:17:52 | 1:17:54 | |
So they strapped them to their heads and they ran and ran. | 1:17:54 | 1:17:56 | |
There's frogs escaping. It's OK. | 1:17:56 | 1:17:58 | |
And they go up through... And they went through the Red Sea, cos a giant squid held the water back. | 1:17:58 | 1:18:01 | |
Go on, good luck, good luck. | 1:18:01 | 1:18:03 | |
Giant squid's diary, day 3,009, helped the frogs. | 1:18:03 | 1:18:07 | |
No. Helped the Hebrew people get out | 1:18:09 | 1:18:12 | |
of Egypt. | 1:18:12 | 1:18:14 | |
Running out of bloody ink again. | 1:18:14 | 1:18:17 | |
Got a biro. | 1:18:17 | 1:18:18 | |
Helped the Hebrew people to escape under the cover of frogs. | 1:18:20 | 1:18:23 | |
Was glad to help. Links with Noah. | 1:18:23 | 1:18:27 | |
Saw Mr Squirrel again. It was hell in there, man. | 1:18:27 | 1:18:31 | |
We were enslaved. Squirrels were enslaved. For what? I don't know. | 1:18:31 | 1:18:35 | |
I'm going to marry a chicken. | 1:18:40 | 1:18:42 | |
So then they wandered in the desert for 40 years. | 1:18:43 | 1:18:46 | |
And if I was with that group, after 23 years, | 1:18:46 | 1:18:49 | |
I would have turned to them and said, what the fuck is going on? | 1:18:49 | 1:18:53 | |
23 years just wandering in the desert. | 1:18:53 | 1:18:56 | |
I'll give you 17 more years and that's it. | 1:18:56 | 1:18:59 | |
And after 17 years, 30 years, 40 years, and after 40 years, | 1:19:00 | 1:19:05 | |
there are obviously people going mad, going crazy. | 1:19:05 | 1:19:08 | |
They're going, I'm going to have sex with my foot. I'm going to eat balloons till I explode. | 1:19:08 | 1:19:14 | |
I'm going to set fire to my buttocks. | 1:19:14 | 1:19:16 | |
I'm going to staple my toes to a tractor. | 1:19:16 | 1:19:19 | |
I'm going to fill myself with sand and sell myself to a taxidermist. | 1:19:19 | 1:19:23 | |
And Moses said, look, you can't do this. This is insane. | 1:19:25 | 1:19:28 | |
You can't. There are rules. | 1:19:28 | 1:19:30 | |
There are no rules! | 1:19:30 | 1:19:32 | |
All right, I'll get 10. | 1:19:32 | 1:19:34 | |
So he runs off and comes back. | 1:19:34 | 1:19:37 | |
All right, here they are. Rule one, never piss in a toaster. | 1:19:37 | 1:19:40 | |
Never eat barbed wire. | 1:19:40 | 1:19:42 | |
Don't call yourself Mr Jimjams. | 1:19:42 | 1:19:45 | |
Never scrape your brain with the back of a comb. | 1:19:47 | 1:19:51 | |
Don't put your toes in a fire. | 1:19:51 | 1:19:53 | |
Never Sellotape your eyelids to your mother's. | 1:19:53 | 1:19:57 | |
What? These aren't rules. You just made these up on the way back from the hill. | 1:19:58 | 1:20:03 | |
I couldn't find any ones with... | 1:20:03 | 1:20:05 | |
Oh, I'll get better ones. | 1:20:05 | 1:20:07 | |
Two hours later, he comes back. | 1:20:07 | 1:20:10 | |
All right, here we are. Always keep quiet. Run up a tree if you see anyone. | 1:20:10 | 1:20:13 | |
Keep your tail clean. Keep your nuts and your make-up in a hole in the tree. | 1:20:13 | 1:20:18 | |
This is... | 1:20:18 | 1:20:20 | |
These are squirrel rules. | 1:20:23 | 1:20:25 | |
"Hey, man. | 1:20:26 | 1:20:28 | |
"Don't have a go at us. We've got good rules. | 1:20:28 | 1:20:31 | |
"We know what we're doing, man. | 1:20:31 | 1:20:33 | |
"This is my chicken." | 1:20:33 | 1:20:34 | |
TRUMPET NOISES | 1:20:35 | 1:20:38 | |
"Who are these people? They're not Hebrew squirrels and chickens." | 1:20:48 | 1:20:52 | |
"They're with the band." | 1:20:52 | 1:20:54 | |
So, yes... So then | 1:20:57 | 1:21:01 | |
they said to him, "Look, Moses, we want real rules, rules you can write on rock. | 1:21:01 | 1:21:05 | |
"The three Rs." | 1:21:05 | 1:21:07 | |
So, he said, "All right, I'll go get them." | 1:21:07 | 1:21:09 | |
As the audience work that joke out, he ran away. | 1:21:09 | 1:21:13 | |
And he was away for months, two months, long time, | 1:21:13 | 1:21:17 | |
must have been, because by the time he returned, they had smelted metal. | 1:21:17 | 1:21:22 | |
That's a Discovery Channel programme thing. | 1:21:22 | 1:21:25 | |
Smelting metal? | 1:21:25 | 1:21:27 | |
"Oh, he's not coming back. He was probably eaten by bears. | 1:21:27 | 1:21:30 | |
"Let's smelt metal. | 1:21:30 | 1:21:33 | |
"Let's make a cast-iron version of a God." | 1:21:33 | 1:21:37 | |
And it never works. It's very difficult to make a proper mould and get it all working out. | 1:21:37 | 1:21:40 | |
Especially in the desert after 40 years. | 1:21:40 | 1:21:42 | |
Pour it out and go, "There, a golden calf." | 1:21:42 | 1:21:45 | |
"Looks like a badger whose head's exploded." | 1:21:45 | 1:21:48 | |
"That's a stoat covered in sick." | 1:21:48 | 1:21:51 | |
"That's a man who's eaten too many balloons." | 1:21:51 | 1:21:54 | |
"Whatever it is, he's called Jimbo, and we're worshipping him. | 1:21:54 | 1:21:58 | |
"We worship thee, oh, Jimbo. Please bring us kazoos on the hour, every hour." | 1:21:58 | 1:22:03 | |
And then Moses returned. | 1:22:03 | 1:22:05 | |
He was furious and he smashed the tablets of stone on the ground and said, "What are you doing?" | 1:22:05 | 1:22:10 | |
And they all went, "Doo-doo-doo-doo." | 1:22:10 | 1:22:16 | |
He said, "You call those kazoos? | 1:22:16 | 1:22:19 | |
"Cos no-one recognised the sound." | 1:22:20 | 1:22:22 | |
"They never do, great Moses. For some reason, that joke always screws up at that point. | 1:22:26 | 1:22:32 | |
"We can't do kazoo sounds." | 1:22:32 | 1:22:34 | |
"Don't practise now, they're filming." | 1:22:37 | 1:22:40 | |
"The force is with them." | 1:22:48 | 1:22:50 | |
"With them?" "Yeah." | 1:22:50 | 1:22:52 | |
"Look, I've got rules. | 1:22:53 | 1:22:55 | |
"Rock rules. Rules written on rock." | 1:22:55 | 1:22:58 | |
And he had the Ten Commandments, but you don't need them, because the one - "Do unto others" | 1:22:58 | 1:23:01 | |
- is a self-policing rule. | 1:23:01 | 1:23:03 | |
Thou shalt not kill. Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you. | 1:23:03 | 1:23:06 | |
Would you like others to kill you? Probably not. | 1:23:06 | 1:23:10 | |
So, don't kill other people. Would you like your stuff being stolen? | 1:23:10 | 1:23:13 | |
Probably not. So don't steal other people's. | 1:23:13 | 1:23:15 | |
It's self-policing. | 1:23:15 | 1:23:16 | |
So, those are the two main ones, and then there's other ones like, | 1:23:16 | 1:23:20 | |
Don't put your knitting on the stage, Mrs Worthington. Or something. | 1:23:20 | 1:23:24 | |
Never Sellotape your hair to a tractor. These things. | 1:23:24 | 1:23:27 | |
And there's one in there that's just completely bonkers. | 1:23:27 | 1:23:30 | |
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox. | 1:23:30 | 1:23:34 | |
What? | 1:23:34 | 1:23:37 | |
Was that all the rage? | 1:23:37 | 1:23:40 | |
Were people going, "Oh, my God. Have you seen Steve's ox? | 1:23:41 | 1:23:44 | |
Oh." "What? Where?" "Don't look now. | 1:23:46 | 1:23:48 | |
It's a genius ox. It's the most amazing ox I've ever seen. | 1:23:48 | 1:23:52 | |
Oh, it's brilliant. | 1:23:52 | 1:23:54 | |
It was on Top Ox. You know Top Gear? Top Ox." | 1:23:54 | 1:24:00 | |
"This ox can go 0-50 in under a year. | 1:24:00 | 1:24:03 | |
"It is the most amazingly sleek, built by the Germans, you can hang your washing between his ears, | 1:24:03 | 1:24:09 | |
"he really has the biggest face this side of Christendom. | 1:24:09 | 1:24:12 | |
"This is one motherfucker of an ox." | 1:24:12 | 1:24:16 | |
Why were people coveting oxes? | 1:24:16 | 1:24:19 | |
It isn't thou shalt not steal the ox or eat the ox or set fire to the ox or have sex with the ox. | 1:24:19 | 1:24:23 | |
It's just covet the ox. It's just wanting the ox. | 1:24:23 | 1:24:25 | |
How do you have an ox market? How do you sell oxes if no-one wants them? | 1:24:25 | 1:24:29 | |
Any trade will not work if no-one can covet anything. | 1:24:29 | 1:24:33 | |
It must have been weird, people saying, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox." | 1:24:33 | 1:24:37 | |
"He's not my neighbour, he lives across the road at number 23. | 1:24:37 | 1:24:40 | |
"I'm off on a technicality." | 1:24:40 | 1:24:42 | |
I used to say it's, Thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's ox. | 1:24:42 | 1:24:46 | |
And that makes more sense, because you can't find your bloody ox. | 1:24:46 | 1:24:51 | |
"Where's my ox? | 1:24:51 | 1:24:53 | |
"I can't bloody find the ox now. | 1:24:53 | 1:24:55 | |
"I was in it. Jim, have you seen my ox? | 1:24:55 | 1:24:57 | |
"I can't bloody see him anywhere. | 1:24:57 | 1:24:59 | |
"Someone's just run off with my ox. | 1:24:59 | 1:25:02 | |
"Where's your duvet? | 1:25:02 | 1:25:04 | |
"You've lost a duvet, I've lost an ox. | 1:25:05 | 1:25:07 | |
"There's an ox and duvet stealer going around. I'm going to tell the local... | 1:25:07 | 1:25:11 | |
"Hang on. Look, here's your duvet. | 1:25:11 | 1:25:14 | |
"It's moving. | 1:25:14 | 1:25:16 | |
"Jimbo? | 1:25:16 | 1:25:19 | |
"You covered up my ox! | 1:25:19 | 1:25:22 | |
"You covered my ox. Thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's ox, and I'm your bloody neighbour! | 1:25:22 | 1:25:27 | |
"You're going to go to hell for this." | 1:25:27 | 1:25:30 | |
Finally tonight, in 1969, the Americans landed on the moon, and I can prove it. | 1:25:30 | 1:25:36 | |
Because the Russians were also trying to get to the moon. | 1:25:36 | 1:25:37 | |
Russians had the first satellite in space, the first man in space, | 1:25:37 | 1:25:39 | |
the first woman in space, the first orbit in space, first space-walk. | 1:25:39 | 1:25:42 | |
A load of firsts in there, very good, well done to them. | 1:25:42 | 1:25:45 | |
And they didn't get to the moon first. I'm not sure if it was money or what | 1:25:45 | 1:25:50 | |
the reason was, but they were sending an | 1:25:50 | 1:25:51 | |
unmanned probe there, so they would have taken photographs. | 1:25:51 | 1:25:55 | |
And if the Americans had not gone, they would have | 1:25:55 | 1:25:56 | |
said, "You did not go, we have photographs, we have videotape, it's a book, two syllables. | 1:25:56 | 1:26:01 | |
"Come, scientists of the world, we will show you proof." | 1:26:01 | 1:26:05 | |
Six times they could have proved it. | 1:26:05 | 1:26:07 | |
It was the Russians, they weren't getting on with the Americans at the time. | 1:26:07 | 1:26:10 | |
So... A bit like now. So, yes, they did go to the moon, and | 1:26:10 | 1:26:16 | |
I had a lot invested in that as a child in Bishop's Stortford, watching. | 1:26:16 | 1:26:18 | |
I didn't live there, but I just thought, "I'll go to Bishop's Stortford. | 1:26:18 | 1:26:23 | |
Cos it's such a crazy name." | 1:26:23 | 1:26:25 | |
Because obviously a bishop did have a stortford...whatever it was. | 1:26:25 | 1:26:30 | |
So... Yeah. And when they landed on the moon, | 1:26:30 | 1:26:33 | |
that was the time, if there is a God in the universe, he should have come | 1:26:33 | 1:26:36 | |
down and said, "You are the first ones to make it from the blue one to the grey one, well done. | 1:26:36 | 1:26:41 | |
"You win Smarties forever and congratulations. Neil, well done. | 1:26:41 | 1:26:47 | |
"And Buzz... Are you Buzz Lightyear? | 1:26:47 | 1:26:50 | |
"Ah, you boxed clever there. | 1:26:50 | 1:26:51 | |
"Well done. Take off your helmets, relax, welcome. | 1:26:51 | 1:26:56 | |
"Don't take your helmets off, that's a joke. | 1:26:56 | 1:26:58 | |
"Sorry, my humour's a bit dry. | 1:26:58 | 1:27:02 | |
"Been hanging out with the British for a while. | 1:27:02 | 1:27:04 | |
"So, this is the grey one. | 1:27:04 | 1:27:07 | |
"And it's just a top coat. We're going to paint it at some point. I'm thinking pink. | 1:27:07 | 1:27:11 | |
"I'm trying to do a snooker thing? | 1:27:11 | 1:27:14 | |
"Blue one, red one, pink one. Yes, yes. I'm God and I live on the dark side of the moon. | 1:27:14 | 1:27:18 | |
"Along with Darth Vader. | 1:27:18 | 1:27:21 | |
BREATHES HEAVILY | 1:27:22 | 1:27:24 | |
"Hello. | 1:27:26 | 1:27:28 | |
"And Pink Floyd. | 1:27:28 | 1:27:30 | |
BREATHES HEAVILY | 1:27:32 | 1:27:34 | |
"Hello. | 1:27:34 | 1:27:35 | |
"Who do an excellent group impression of Darth Vader. | 1:27:35 | 1:27:39 | |
"And here we have a young friend, the Raptor. "Hi." "And the cow." "Moo." | 1:27:39 | 1:27:46 | |
They just drove here, being chased by these sheep. | 1:27:46 | 1:27:49 | |
These are mad sheep, who have been trained by Spartan sheep. | 1:27:51 | 1:27:54 | |
We have the squirrel here. "Hey, man. Don't come here. | 1:27:54 | 1:27:56 | |
"There's crazy fuckers here. That Raptor's insane, man. | 1:27:56 | 1:27:59 | |
"He's going to kill everyone." | 1:27:59 | 1:28:01 | |
-"Then, there's Chicken." -TRUMPET | 1:28:01 | 1:28:04 | |
"And Mr Gerald, the giant squid." "Giant squid's diary, Day 3009. | 1:28:04 | 1:28:09 | |
"We're here on the moon with the human beings, they've made it to the moon. | 1:28:09 | 1:28:13 | |
"They've probably got 100 more years before they blow themselves up. | 1:28:13 | 1:28:15 | |
"Can they do it? Can they be civilised enough? | 1:28:15 | 1:28:18 | |
"It's up to them. They have to think out of the box. | 1:28:18 | 1:28:21 | |
"Good night." | 1:28:23 | 1:28:24 | |
Good night. | 1:28:24 | 1:28:26 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 1:29:29 | 1:29:32 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 1:29:32 | 1:29:35 |