Michael McIntyre: Hello Wembley!


Michael McIntyre: Hello Wembley!

Stand-up performance recorded at Wembley Arena during Michael McIntyre's 2009 sell-out 54 date UK tour, featuring Michael's unique take on life.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Wembley, please welcome Michael McIntyre.

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening.

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Whoo!

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Hello, Wembley!

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CHEERING

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Ah, good.

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How are you? Good evening. Welcome. Welcome to my show.

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It's Saturday night!

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CHEERING

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Now, obviously, there would've been various different reactions to your seats tonight.

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People at the back, thank you so much for being here tonight.

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They're miles away!

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To a man, most of those people have sat down and gone,

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"These are shit seats. They're shit seats.

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"We probably should've just bought the DVD.

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"It would be better just watching TV.

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"Is that even him? I mean, it might not even be him."

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"They could've just got any camp, Chinese man to run around.

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"For all I know, that's Gok Wan."

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The best thing about being here at Wembley, it's my local gig.

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I can go home at night and see my family.

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See my boys, Lucas and Oscar.

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Quite middle class, let's not lie about that.

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When I go to the park and I call Lucas... "Lucas!"

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About three boys will normally go, "Yes, Daddy?"

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"Papa?" "Father, you called?"

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The other day I said, "Oscar", and three dogs ran over.

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How awkward is that?

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"You named your child what I named my dog?"

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He's got no manners, the four-year-old.

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It's cos I have to teach him manners, but you know what kids are like.

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He doesn't know how to speak properly.

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He finishes off his lunch and he goes, "Ice cream!

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"I want ice cream now!"

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"What do you say?" "Ice cream!"

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"What do you say?"

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"Give me ice cream!"

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"What do you say?" "Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream!"

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This goes on for about 15 minutes before he goes, "Please!"

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You have to give him ice cream because he said please.

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I think he thinks you have to shout about something for 15 minutes

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and then say please, and then you get it.

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I need to nip that in the bud.

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Otherwise he's going to go on his first date at 18, finishing up dinner, going, "Sex!

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"I want sex now!

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"Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!

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"Give me sex!

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"Please!"

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My other boy, he's one.

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I had a little bit of an incident with him the other day

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when I was playing the Nintendo Wii, which I'm particularly good at.

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I would challenge any of you to Grand Slam Tennis.

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I'm amazing at it, phenomenal. I got it for the calorie-burning.

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People said it's quite good for losing weight.

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The first few times I played it, I had the headband on,

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my shorts on, I'm running around the living room.

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And you do burn calories, cos you're playing tennis, in your living room.

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But after a while you realise you're just as good,

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if not better, lying on the sofa, eating a hamburger.

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If there's an area of my body that doesn't require a workout,

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it's going to be the wrist area, if I'm brutally honest with you.

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This is a muscle I've been training quite religiously now for some years.

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It's amazing how many sports do just use the wrists.

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Darts, and badminton, snooker, although I can't play snooker any more.

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Ever since somebody told me it's like tossing off a man behind you, sort of...

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Sort of put me off that particular sport.

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So I'm playing on the Wii, right. I'm playing Roger Federer.

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It's the French Open, we're on clay. Semi-final.

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We're involved in this massive baseline rally.

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It is me, cos you can create your own face on the Wii,

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which is quite depressing cos you realise how unattractive you are

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when you go through the options.

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Face - wider, wider, paler, more pale.

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Download more pale.

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Eyes - more slanty.

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"Why are you married to me?" "I've no idea. You're THAT ugly."

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"Am I really?"

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So, it's Roger Federer against some kind of obese Michael Chang at the French Open.

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HE GRUNTS

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I'm literally grunting through my shots. I do tend to grunt.

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In most sports, I'm that unfit - even chess.

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HE GRUNTS

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So this rally's going on, I'm sweating, I'm off the sofa now.

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I'm really getting into it. Federer plays this sublime drop-shot.

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I charge across the living room and smack it down the line for a winner

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and then celebrate my break of serve.

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"Come on!"

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Unfortunately, my one-year-old, Oscar, had walked into the room at this very moment

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with love and adoration in his eyes, as only a boy has for his father.

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And up till this point, I've been very good to him.

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He ran into the room, "Hello, Dada."

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I then hurtled towards him with venom in my eyes,

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and smacked him in the face.

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The poor boy knows nothing of the Nintendo Wii.

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He thinks I've just completely turned on him.

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I've picked up some kind of white brick, rolled towards him,

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smacked him in the face and then celebrated.

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"Come on!

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"Shit! Something's happened to Oscar."

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My other son saw it.

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"You just hit Ozzy in the face!" "Do not tell your mother."

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"I'm telling Mummy." "Do not tell your mother!"

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"I'm telling Mummy."

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"Do not tell your mother!"

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"I'm telling Mummy."

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"Please!"

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"OK, I won't tell Mummy.

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"I want ice cream." "Whatever you want!"

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The poor kid, now every time I pick up the Wii, he shits himself.

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I've had to put it in the cupboard. My wife got it out the other day.

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"Shall we play on this?" "No, Dada, no!"

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We're having trouble potty-training him.

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"Do you need a Wii?" "No!"

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I'm into all technology. I'm particularly enjoying Sky Plus at the moment.

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You can pause live TV. Pause it.

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And it's a good pause, as well, the perfect...

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Everything you want from pause. Not like the old 1980s VHS pause, that was a very different story.

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People who weren't even moving would start moving.

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"I wasn't even moving in this scene." People in paintings.

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Then you can watch it back at any speed.

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Times two, times six, times 12, times 30.

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I watch the football in times six. It whizzes along.

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Deal or No Deal in times 30 is much more entertaining.

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I watch all TV, even just to slag it off. Dragons' Den.

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How arrogant are those men?

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And woman.

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We know you're rich, you don't need to bring cash with you.

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They bring cash and put it on the table in front of them.

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"Look how loaded I am. I brought all this cash.

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"All my bank accounts are full, so I've had to bring additional cash with me."

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"Have you got cash, Theo Paphitis?" "Oh, yes. I'm as rich as you are.

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"That's why my table is filled with cash, just like you."

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"What about you, other two Dragons?" "We've got lots of cash.

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"Tables full of cash. We're totally loaded." "All right, bring in the first poor person."

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They come in, trembling.

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"Hello... Hello, Dragons.

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"Please, please can I have some cash for the ideas in my brain?"

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"I feel sick just looking at the poor person's face.

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"You disgust me. Everything about your being, and your clothes are hideous.

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"For that reason, I'm out."

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"Are you out, Theo Paphitis?"

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"I will be out, but first I'm going to humiliate the poor person for 15 minutes,

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"and confuse her with mathematics, before declaring that I am out too".

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I'd like to go on Dragons' Den with a shotgun.

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I'd just like to go there, point it at each of them individually,

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until one of them goes, "So, what's your idea?"

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"Quite simple. Put that cash in this bag. OK?

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"You get no equity." That's my idea.

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I like some TV.

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I liked watching people getting their exam results live a few weeks ago on GMTV. How exciting was that!

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"We're going to go live now to a school where someone's opening their results live on TV."

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"Darling, it's going to be live on TV."

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They come out of school with an envelope, trembling.

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We all edge closer to the TV, thinking exactly the same thing.

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Fail.

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I'll watch TV till the bitter end.

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Literally to the early hours of the morning, till the signing zone, the deaf zone.

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That's when you feel it's probably time for bed.

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When there's somebody in the corner, signing,

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you tend to think, "This isn't really for me, maybe."

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They almost look at you like, "You shouldn't be...

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"This isn't for you, is it?

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"Should have watched this in the day, when it was on the first time.

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"Why don't you go and dream in sound?

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"You can do that, others can't. Have some respect for the signing zone."

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I like it when there's no dialogue in the programme and they watch TV with you.

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How can they even see it? Is that how they watch TV at home?

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Tough day at work? Stand directly next to the TV.

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I don't know, by the way, if I am signing.

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I don't speak sign language.

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This is more how I dance.

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I watched The Blue Planet, the other day on the signing zone.

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This is the show where David Attenborough discovered creatures from the deep

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for the very first time on the show, and named them, cos they'd never been discovered before.

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So he was like, "Here we have the newly-discovered dypalotodicus."

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And the signing guy was like...

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He resorted to impersonating the fish. It was hilarious.

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There was a fish swimming on the TV and he was just underneath, going...

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I saw Prime Minister's Questions on it once

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and it seemed like the signing guy had his own political agenda.

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Gordon Brown was going, "We must fight the credit crisis head on."

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The guy in the corner was...

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So I've been here all week.

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The thing that really annoys me, having these massive screens, is that I can't see what you see.

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I can't... I have no idea what I actually look like...

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..in the screen.

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It's extremely frustrating. That's the back of my head, incidentally.

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That's what I look like from the back.

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It's very rare that you ever see what you look like from the back.

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You only ever see the back of your head at the end of a haircut.

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That's the only time most people see the back of their head.

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And let's be honest, we genuinely don't give a shit.

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People care greatly what they look like from the front, from the back, not interested. Especially men.

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It's a very awkward moment for a man at the end of a haircut,

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when we're presented with the back of our head.

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And they look at you for approval.

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"Do you like the work I've done back here?"

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In the history of hairdressing, no man has ever reacted in this moment in any other way other than...

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"Yeah."

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Do people go, "I love it, I'm leaving backwards!

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"I'm spending the rest of my life in reverse."

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We don't care. Men are just grateful to still have hair.

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We don't care what the haircut...

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When you go for a haircut, they ask you questions before even the hairwash.

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"So what are we doing today?" Some kind of consultation.

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We have nothing to say at this moment. "Haircut, that's what I want.

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"I want to leave here with less hair than when I entered in the building."

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I like people who go bald,

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but a little bit stays in the middle.

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Like a little island of hair that breaks away from the mainland.

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And they keep the island. They must think, "Shall I keep the island?

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"I'll keep the island. Maybe I can build a little walkway to the mainland."

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I saw one bloke with this and it was in the shape of an arrow.

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He had a pretty decent arrow on the top of his head.

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And I wondered, when people ask him directions, does he tell them or just go...

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Of course, it's a very different story for women.

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Hairdressing, layers, and colours and tints.

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My wife has all these lotions and potions.

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The amount of creaming she does.

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Hours! She comes out of the shower.

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We're still two or three hours from getting into the bed.

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Creaming, different creams...

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"Just creaming myself, Michael. Be with you in about 45 minutes.

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"Just creaming my entire body, sliding across..."

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She said to me the other day, "Can you get me this cream?

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"It's a miracle, must-have cream, really expensive."

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I said, "What's it for? You've got all the creams in the world."

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She said, "It's for wrinkles." "You don't have any wrinkles".

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"I know. If I use this cream every single day for the rest of my life, I'll never have wrinkles.

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That's why it's a miracle, must-have cream."

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I'm like, "When are you even due to have wrinkles?"

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"I don't know, Michael. 20 years."

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"20 years?! You want me to buy you something 20 years in advance of you maybe getting it?

0:14:330:14:38

"This sounds like a rip-off to me. All right? And I will take it back.

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"I don't like to be ripped off.

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"I'm more than happy to walk in there in 2029 and go,

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"'I purchased this cream 20 years ago, I've got the receipt,

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"'which you'll notice is in a better condition than the face of my wife. I want a full refund.'"

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These cosmetics departments are the weirdest places I've ever seen.

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Big, bright lights everywhere, and people working there,

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they seem to have every product they sell on their face.

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They can't even move their own faces.

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"Can I interest you with anything from the Clarins range?

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"It's all over my face.

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"Just pick what you want from the face."

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They even asked me a question as I was walking through.

0:15:210:15:23

"Excuse me, sir." "What is it?"

0:15:230:15:25

"Quick question about your face."

0:15:250:15:28

"Sorry? You have a question about my face?"

0:15:280:15:30

"Yes, it's looking very dry."

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"I should have a wet face, should I?

0:15:320:15:34

"You don't have a wet face. Don't see anybody else with a wet face."

0:15:340:15:38

She asked one of the most difficult questions I've ever been asked.

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"What is your daily skin routine?"

0:15:410:15:43

"Every day, I have skin. What exactly are you getting at?"

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But I don't want you to think that I'm not a generous man.

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I did recently buy her a very beautiful dress.

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We went out shopping especially for a dress.

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Shopping for clothing can be quite tense with her... with any woman, I think.

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Because she's the same size, but in different shops,

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she's different sizes, depending on how they interpret a different size.

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I really don't know why this is.

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But she can range from a size 8, and then next door ,she'll be a size 12.

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And if she's an 8, we have a really lovely day together.

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LAUGHTER

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If she's a 12, we have to go home immediately.

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It gets to the point, she's more interested in the size than what she's trying on.

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She'll be like. "Michael, it's an eight.

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"It's an eight and it fits me really, really well.

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"It's an eight. It just sort of slides on, and it's an eight.

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"You don't know what this means. I've been waiting for this moment." "It's an eight."

0:16:430:16:47

"Darling, it's a shoe. Why are you so excited?"

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We're looking around for this dress.

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A personal shopper, I've never met one of these before.

0:16:550:16:58

The campiest man I've ever met in my entire life who literally jumped into our life.

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I've never seen anyone so camp they jumped into our life.

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We were looking around, browsing, he came running up, "Excuse me! Hello!

0:17:060:17:10

"Are you shopping here today?" I have a bit of an issue with very camp, gay men,

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and my issue is that I realise I'm quite camp myself.

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And I feel that if I behave normally, as a heterosexual,

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I'm treading on their territory a bit.

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So I tend to go in the opposite direction. "Are you shopping here today?"

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-DEEP VOICE:

-"What does it look like, mate? Waiting for a train?"

0:17:310:17:35

Naturally I would've gone, "Yes, and you can help. Yay!"

0:17:350:17:39

So he takes us into this room and starts showing us all these dresses.

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And my wife's loving them. It's very exciting. All these designer dresses.

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I knew it was too expensive. I knew there was problems here, when he gave me champagne as well.

0:17:510:17:56

"You have a glass of champagne and just sit there, and let us girls sort this out, OK?"

0:17:560:18:01

So finally she finds this one, she loves it. The guy's practically in tears.

0:18:010:18:05

"So beautiful. I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life."

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My wife's like, "Can we afford it, Michael?"

0:18:080:18:11

"No, we can't afford it." I knew this was going to happen.

0:18:110:18:15

Nobody can afford this dress, it's a joke.

0:18:150:18:17

People shouldn't spend this kind of money on something you can't drive. OK? It's not natural.

0:18:170:18:21

But I could see how happy she was with it and I could see the disappointment in her eyes,

0:18:210:18:27

and quite frankly, I sensed an opportunity.

0:18:270:18:29

So I said, "Look, I can see how beautiful you look in this,

0:18:310:18:34

"and I know that we've come here for a reason, and I want to make you happy.

0:18:340:18:39

"I love you. It's a special occasion".

0:18:390:18:41

I was thinking mainly about the blow job. "I think that you deserve it."

0:18:410:18:45

You know what it's like, after 10 years in a relationship, blow jobs work on a sort of reward structure.

0:18:450:18:51

There's no spontaneity left in a relationship.

0:18:510:18:54

If I do a series of good things, she will make an announcement.

0:18:540:18:58

Somebody might be getting a blow job later. "Me? Is it me? Is it me?"

0:18:580:19:03

I've even noticed over the years, I seem to be getting blow jobs on my birthday,

0:19:030:19:07

which led to me on my last birthday actually saying the words,

0:19:070:19:11

"Darling, will I be getting a birthday blow job today?"

0:19:110:19:15

Then you enter into serious negotiating.

0:19:150:19:17

"Yes, Michael, you will. Would you like a quick one now or a long one later?"

0:19:170:19:21

"I've got a lot to do in the kitchen."

0:19:210:19:24

"Ah, how romantic. Let me consider those options.

0:19:240:19:27

A quick one now in case one of us dies at lunch. How about that? "

0:19:270:19:32

So I said to her, "Come on, let's just get this dress before I change my mind. Let's get it and go."

0:19:320:19:38

And she says, "I need a clutch." "You need a what?" "I need a clutch!"

0:19:380:19:43

"Sorry, there's something wrong with the car?

0:19:430:19:45

"You tell me now?" "No, it's called a clutch bag. It goes with the dress, like an outfit.

0:19:470:19:52

"Do you not know anything about fashion?"

0:19:520:19:55

I said, "No, what is it?" "It's a bag for your essentials.

0:19:550:19:58

"Lipstick, keys, phone, that kind of thing." You clutch it like that, and it matches the dress."

0:19:580:20:03

"All right. How much is that?" £500! £500? For a bag for your lipstick, and your keys and your phone?

0:20:030:20:09

I said, "For £500, I could hire a human being to walk alongside you

0:20:100:20:14

"holding your lipstick and your keys and your phone".

0:20:140:20:16

It's fun watching anybody trying things on.

0:20:250:20:27

People behave very oddly when they try things on, don't they?

0:20:270:20:30

When they put dresses on, and trousers.

0:20:300:20:33

You walk in a way you'll never actually walk once you purchase the trousers.

0:20:330:20:38

She walks into the changing room like a normal human being holding the trousers.

0:20:380:20:43

Then she comes out, doing this "What do you think? What do you think of these trousers?

0:20:430:20:47

I think they're quite nice. "Mmm." "What are you doing?" "I'm seeing if they fit."

0:20:470:20:53

"You don't need to be doing that in trousers."

0:20:530:20:55

Men do the same thing, when I put a suit on. There's this whole suit thing, that you do.

0:20:550:21:01

What do you think of this suit? I think it's pretty good.

0:21:010:21:05

No-one's ever done this when they own the suit.

0:21:050:21:08

But when they're trying it on,

0:21:080:21:10

there's a huge preparation for acting like a complete freak in a suit.

0:21:100:21:14

You wouldn't go to a business meeting going, "Hello, my name's Ian.

0:21:140:21:19

"Just got a new suit and trousers."

0:21:190:21:21

The main one is with shoes.

0:21:230:21:26

When you try shoes on, you will go for a walk in the shoe shop,

0:21:260:21:30

but it's not a walk you'll ever do anywhere else outside of the shoe shop.

0:21:300:21:37

It's a shoe-shop walk. You walk around in this sort of...

0:21:370:21:40

I quite like these shoes. I don't think they'll rub.

0:21:400:21:43

I'm going to bang it for a bit.

0:21:430:21:46

I think they're quite comfortable.

0:21:460:21:49

It'll be perfect for my Elvis impersonation.

0:21:490:21:52

Let me just push them with my thumb for no reason at all.

0:21:520:21:56

The toe is in the toe section.

0:22:010:22:05

That's ideal.

0:22:050:22:06

All the other toes are there.

0:22:060:22:09

If the toe was at the back, I wouldn't buy them.

0:22:090:22:13

That'd be bizarre.

0:22:130:22:14

The sides are filled with the sides of my feet.

0:22:140:22:17

Perfect. Everything I wanted happened when I went down there.

0:22:170:22:22

I think I might definitely get these. They even have mirrors

0:22:220:22:25

where you can look at the shoe from a different angle.

0:22:250:22:28

Ah, look, there's the shoe from that angle. Hmm!

0:22:280:22:32

The cat will love them.

0:22:320:22:33

That's probably what the cat will see.

0:22:330:22:37

They even give you one shoe.

0:22:370:22:39

These lazy people who work in shoe shops, they bring out the shoes,

0:22:390:22:43

they lace up one and hand you the one.

0:22:430:22:45

And do we say, "Excuse me, people in life wear two shoes"?

0:22:450:22:50

"You're wearing two shoes now!" Oh, no, we don't.

0:22:500:22:53

We take the one shoe, we go for a walk in that.

0:22:530:22:57

This is good, I love this shoe.

0:23:000:23:03

Give me two of these!

0:23:030:23:05

Why would you walk around the shoe shop in one shoe?

0:23:070:23:11

There's no moment in your life

0:23:110:23:13

that we would ever be recreating this moment.

0:23:130:23:16

"Wallet, keys, phone, I'm late. One shoe, I've got to go to a meeting."

0:23:160:23:20

It's not just clothes that you try. Everything.

0:23:230:23:25

You buy a sofa, you start bouncing on it and rubbing the fabric.

0:23:250:23:31

Nobody sits like this at home. People don't come round to your house. "Do take a seat."

0:23:310:23:35

I tried a bed and you lie on the bed.

0:23:400:23:43

Not how you'd normally sleep, like this. Next to my wife, as well. "I like this bed.

0:23:430:23:47

"Do you like the bed?" It's a really good bed."

0:23:470:23:50

"Will we be using it as a coffin?" "Evidently we will, darling."

0:23:500:23:54

I bought a Hoover from Comet.

0:23:560:23:58

They love electricals. Everything they sell is electric.

0:23:580:24:02

Which means you have to plug it in. But nothing in the shop is plugged in.

0:24:020:24:06

And the whole shop is filled with people trying things out, but not for their primary function.

0:24:060:24:11

They're just looking at fridges by opening them and closing them.

0:24:110:24:15

No-one asks whether it actually makes food colder?

0:24:150:24:18

"Look at this one, it opens like that and closes. I like it, and it's silver."

0:24:180:24:23

Look at this oven, it opens, it's got trays and dials!

0:24:230:24:27

I love trays and dials! "Does it heat food?" "I don't give a shit. It's got dials and trays."

0:24:270:24:34

I was trying a Hoover and I felt the need to hoover around the shop a bit.

0:24:340:24:39

Just to feel the weight of the Hoover. It wasn't plugged in.

0:24:390:24:43

I just took it for a little spin.

0:24:430:24:45

As I was hoovering down the aisle, somebody else was trying their Hoover and hoovered past me.

0:24:450:24:50

"Hello. Good Hoover. I used to have that model."

0:24:500:24:54

There's two distinctive styles of hoovering. Either you walk with your Hoover, like this.

0:24:540:24:58

Then you get to the end and you hoover around and you follow in behind.

0:24:580:25:03

Or you stand your ground and hoover out.

0:25:040:25:06

Then you just pick another spot at random. Hoover out again.

0:25:130:25:16

If you can't get into a nook, the hose will come out.

0:25:200:25:24

It's exciting when you think, "We'll utilise the hose now."

0:25:240:25:27

You stand up and take the hose out.

0:25:270:25:30

Before you hoover with the hose, for some reason you feel the excitement building.

0:25:300:25:34

You have to hoover yourself. I don't really know why.

0:25:340:25:37

You know what it'll feel like.

0:25:370:25:39

You know that it's a suction device.

0:25:390:25:41

You just feel the need to confirm it.

0:25:410:25:44

MIMICS HOOVER WHIRRING

0:25:440:25:46

It's just one of those signs that life is quite boring when you decide to hoover yourself.

0:25:570:26:03

"Looking for a job today?" "Hoovering my own face earlier."

0:26:030:26:06

I've been eating too much, let's be honest, cos I've been on the road. I'm trying to lose weight. Exercise.

0:26:060:26:12

People say you can eat as much as you like as long as you exercise. I've tried.

0:26:120:26:17

The gym's a horror story. The changing rooms, I just can't cope with it.

0:26:170:26:22

I don't understand men's philosophies towards nakedness. OK?

0:26:220:26:25

Men in this very room behave like this and I don't understand you.

0:26:250:26:28

If I have to be naked in public, I'll be naked for a short amount of time as is possible.

0:26:280:26:33

I will get my fresh, new pants, line them up. Get the perfect distance away.

0:26:330:26:38

Take off old pants, put new pants on!

0:26:380:26:40

I'm back in pants.

0:26:420:26:44

Sometimes I go too quickly. I'm in two pants. I don't give a shit.

0:26:440:26:48

I'd rather have two pants than no pants.

0:26:490:26:53

Other men have completely the opposite philosophy of this.

0:26:530:26:56

They'll come out of the shower, sort of air-drying.

0:26:560:26:59

Towel-drying their arses!

0:26:590:27:01

I have never towel-dried my arse in my entire life. I don't need to.

0:27:010:27:05

I don't leak water from my arse.

0:27:050:27:09

But other men, they spend hours working away at the arse area.

0:27:090:27:12

Going through dozens of fresh towels.

0:27:140:27:15

But they don't do it in the corner against the wall.

0:27:150:27:19

They're right out there in the open, looking at you, "Yes, I'm towel-drying my arse now."

0:27:190:27:24

And I see men put their pants on last. Literally last.

0:27:240:27:28

They come out of the shower, you know, they put the... Shirt goes on

0:27:280:27:32

and everything's flapping around down there.

0:27:320:27:35

Tie goes on, look who's still in town.

0:27:350:27:39

Jacket.

0:27:390:27:41

Coat.

0:27:410:27:42

Scarf.

0:27:420:27:44

Top hat.

0:27:440:27:45

Yeah, baby.

0:27:450:27:47

Shoes and socks. How's that even possible? What are you going to do? Sew your trousers on now?

0:27:470:27:52

People dropping keys.

0:27:520:27:55

I saw one guy blow-drying his pubic hair in the hand dryer. That should be illegal.

0:27:550:28:00

Standing there talking about house prices. "Do you think we've reached the bottom?"

0:28:000:28:04

I see people running to each other.

0:28:070:28:09

If I saw somebody I knew in the gym changing room, I'd hide in the locker.

0:28:090:28:15

This guy was, like, "Mark?"

0:28:150:28:17

"Richard! Is that you?

0:28:180:28:21

"I didn't know you were a member of this gym."

0:28:210:28:25

"Yeah, I just moved into the area recently. What's it like here?"

0:28:250:28:29

You literally don't know where to look.

0:28:300:28:32

I sat down once to do my shoelaces.

0:28:370:28:40

I will never go to this height in that environment again.

0:28:400:28:43

There were lockers above me. Somebody's looking for their locker. They're edging over.

0:28:430:28:47

I'm sitting here doing my laces up.

0:28:470:28:50

Ahh!

0:28:530:28:55

The final straw was a bloke who came over to me, "Excuse me, have you got the time?"

0:28:560:29:01

"Time to put your pants on, OK?"

0:29:010:29:03

I actually started this whole process in Taunton in the West Country...

0:29:100:29:15

-SMALL CHEER

-..where two people have joined us tonight.

0:29:150:29:19

In the West Country, they speak like this. They go...

0:29:190:29:22

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-"All right. You all right? Welcome to Somerset. You all right?"

0:29:220:29:27

-Bizarrely, in East Anglia, which is the opposite side of the country...

-BIGGER CHEER

0:29:270:29:32

..where several people have joined us tonight, they speak like this.

0:29:320:29:36

-EAST ANGLIAN ACCENT:

-"Hello! You all right? Welcome to Norwich."

0:29:360:29:39

How on earth did this happen?

0:29:390:29:41

Opposite sides of the country.

0:29:410:29:43

The country is divided into, "All right!" "Hello!" "All right!" How did it happen?

0:29:430:29:48

Did a whole lot of farmers just arrive and go, "Right, let's split up.

0:29:510:29:56

You guys go that way, we'll wait here." "All right." "Hello."

0:29:560:30:00

"Keep walking."

0:30:000:30:03

"All right."

0:30:030:30:04

In the interval in my gig there, this woman came in and said, "Hello, Michael, my name is Margaret.

0:30:060:30:11

"I'm the duty manager here. This is my assistant, Jenny. Say hello, Jenny." "Hello. My name's Jenny."

0:30:110:30:17

Jenny was quite something to behold. She had eyes pointing in different directions.

0:30:170:30:20

It's awkward, you don't know whether to ignore it or pick one and get in front of it.

0:30:200:30:25

Margaret said, "Michael, did you get your sandwich?

0:30:290:30:31

"I made you your sandwich myself with my assistant, Jenny,

0:30:310:30:34

"and I was wondering whether you enjoyed your sandwich."

0:30:340:30:37

Now, it was a terrible sandwich.

0:30:370:30:38

Out of politeness I said, "Thank you, Margaret, for my sandwich."

0:30:380:30:41

But this sandwich was an abomination.

0:30:410:30:44

This sandwich consisted of tomato and lettuce and no further ingredients.

0:30:440:30:47

There was nothing else in this sandwich.

0:30:470:30:49

I couldn't even believe it was a sandwich.

0:30:490:30:52

A sandwich needs a focal ingredient, a meat or a cheese, then you accessorise around it.

0:30:520:30:55

This was an accessory sandwich.

0:30:550:30:57

A humiliation of a sandwich.

0:30:570:30:59

And I've been thinking, subsequently, who in their right mind

0:30:590:31:00

would present this and even call it a sandwich?

0:31:000:31:03

And the only conclusion I came to is that she was trying to make me a BLT, but got confused cos of

0:31:030:31:07

the B in bread. It's the only real thought I've had.

0:31:070:31:09

LAUGHTER

0:31:090:31:11

She was in the kitchen with Jenny, going, "Right, we're going to go for a classic here today, the BLT.

0:31:110:31:16

"We're gonna need B for bread, pass that.

0:31:160:31:20

L, that'll be the lettuce, "and T will have to be the tomato. That's that done."

0:31:200:31:24

"Margaret!" "What is it, Jenny? You shouldn't be interrupting me, you should be listening and learning."

0:31:240:31:28

"Isn't there supposed to be bacon in a BLT?"

0:31:280:31:30

"I have heard the rumours.

0:31:300:31:32

"However, that would create the BBLT.

0:31:320:31:36

"I've already had to lose the butter to get to this point as it is, Jenny."

0:31:360:31:39

"Next up, G and T, this one's easy. Glass and tonic. That's that done.

0:31:410:31:45

"You're getting these there in one day."

0:31:450:31:46

My wife has a gin and tonic of an evening.

0:31:480:31:50

I'll just take some wine. We have a drinks cabinet.

0:31:500:31:53

Many people will have drinks cabinets in their home.

0:31:530:31:56

You like to show people, "This is all our drinks."

0:31:560:31:58

You look at it on your own and you're like, "I hope people come

0:31:580:31:59

"round and see all the drinks I've collected through my life."

0:31:590:32:03

And there are drinks in there that you know you will never ever drink until you die.

0:32:030:32:06

But you just like to have them there, cos it looks a bit like a bar.

0:32:060:32:09

Let's be honest. From this moment till the day I die, I will

0:32:090:32:13

never utter the words, "I think I'll have a glass of Cinzano."

0:32:130:32:16

But I have it. It's there if I need it.

0:32:160:32:19

Wine's a weird one because everyone pretends to be experts in wine.

0:32:230:32:27

We've all got this sort of... We all just take part in this weird lie, that we're all connoisseurs in wine.

0:32:270:32:34

A lot of people drink and like wine, but let's be honest,

0:32:340:32:36

at least 90% of us are not experts in the field of wine.

0:32:360:32:40

When we go out to restaurants, we all play this sort of bullshit production that we know about wine.

0:32:400:32:46

Nobody at the table knows anything about wine.

0:32:460:32:48

The waiter himself, he knows nothing about wine.

0:32:480:32:51

We know red colour and white colour. That's all you know.

0:32:510:32:54

But you all pretend you know a great deal more. "Would you like to see the wine list?"

0:32:540:32:59

He might as well be saying, "Would you like the book of gibberish?"

0:32:590:33:01

"Yes, I would."

0:33:010:33:03

Let me pretend I'm looking at that.

0:33:030:33:05

Ignore all the words and focus entirely on the prices. Let's see that.

0:33:050:33:08

It's all part of the bullshit production.

0:33:100:33:13

Then they come and show you the bottle.

0:33:130:33:15

You have to stop your conversation to stare at a bottle of wine.

0:33:150:33:18

But you go along with it because it's all part of it.

0:33:200:33:23

It's the only part of the meal you need to witness that it's coming from the right source.

0:33:230:33:28

It's not like you order a hamburger and they come up with a photo of a cow. "This is a cow.

0:33:280:33:33

"This is the kind of thing. Are you happy with this?" "Yes, that's exactly the kind of thing

0:33:330:33:35

"I meant when I ordered a hamburger."

0:33:350:33:37

Then they open it in front of you. You have to witness the opening of the wine. Complete nonsense.

0:33:380:33:44

It's not like you have the steak and they come out and go,

0:33:440:33:47

"I'm just flipping those over now, all right, just that part of it.

0:33:470:33:49

"So you can see what's going on."

0:33:490:33:52

Then comes the big, the key part.

0:33:520:33:54

The pouring of the wine. Who will try the wine?

0:33:540:33:56

Who will take the lead role in this bullshit production?

0:33:560:34:01

Nobody wants to do it. "You do it. I don't want to do it."

0:34:010:34:04

Normally someone will give you up. "You do it." "OK, OK. I will try the wine."

0:34:040:34:09

It's almost as if time stands still.

0:34:090:34:11

Pour a little bit, everyone's staring at you.

0:34:110:34:14

The waiter is waiting for your verdict.

0:34:140:34:16

"Yes.

0:34:220:34:25

"That's wine.

0:34:260:34:27

"That is wine. I've had wine before.

0:34:270:34:30

"This is exactly what it tastes like.

0:34:300:34:31

"It looks like Ribena, but I confirm it isn't Ribena, it's wine. Everyone should have some of this."

0:34:310:34:36

I always thought you were tasting it to see if you liked it. I thought it was like a taste test.

0:34:360:34:39

Apparently you're tasting it to see if it's corked, which means it's off.

0:34:390:34:42

They're asking you to determine whether it's off, and if it's off, they'll bring you another bottle.

0:34:420:34:47

I'm paying for it, why don't you ascertain in your own time

0:34:470:34:50

whether it's off or not, and if it is, don't serve it to me.

0:34:500:34:53

It's not like you ordered a coffee and they come up with the milk, going, "It smells funny.

0:34:530:34:56

"Will you try it for me?"

0:34:560:34:59

Cheesy!

0:35:020:35:03

But you go along with it, cos it's restaurant.

0:35:060:35:09

You just go along with things in restaurants,

0:35:090:35:12

cos you think it's the way you have to behave in restaurants. You sit in this most expensive restaurant...

0:35:120:35:14

"Would you like some bread for the table? Some water for the table?"

0:35:140:35:17

The table's having a better night than I am at this rate.

0:35:170:35:19

And who actually wants bread and water before your meal?

0:35:190:35:22

I could get this in an orphanage. I'm paying a lot of money to be here.

0:35:220:35:25

But you go along with it, cos you're in a restaurant.

0:35:270:35:29

You order your main course. "Would you like some side orders?"

0:35:290:35:31

No, just give me food on a plate!

0:35:310:35:34

I don't need satellites of food surrounding my food.

0:35:340:35:37

Is it to make you feel like you're eating less?

0:35:370:35:39

"Yes, I would like some side orders. "In fact, I'd like some potato dauphinoise behind me.

0:35:390:35:43

"Put them behind me.

0:35:430:35:44

"I want carrots in a drawer under the table.

0:35:460:35:48

"Cream of spinach behind the cistern in the loo. No-one will ever know."

0:35:480:35:53

But you go along with it cos you're in a restaurant. Coffee as well. At the end of a meal, even at dinner.

0:35:530:35:57

at night, you're about to go to bed.

0:35:570:35:59

Can I get anyone a coffee?

0:35:590:36:01

If my wife said to me at home, at 11.30 at night, after dinner, "Do you want a coffee?"

0:36:010:36:04

I'd go, "Have you lost your mind? Why would I want a coffee?

0:36:040:36:08

"You're talking about the drink that we get ourselves out of bed in the morning with?

0:36:080:36:11

"The high-caffeine drink to get you going in the day?

0:36:110:36:14

"You want to have that now before bed? Is this some kind of an experiment, you nutter?"

0:36:140:36:18

In a restaurant, "Yes, I think I'll have a latte. "What would you like?"

0:36:180:36:22

"An espresso for me. Just an espresso.

0:36:220:36:26

"Two o'clock in the morning.

0:36:260:36:27

"Why did I order that?

0:36:270:36:30

"I can't sleep. Can you sleep?" "Of course I can't sleep. I had an espresso...and coffee cake."

0:36:300:36:36

"I might just go to work now and wait there."

0:36:360:36:39

"But it's Friday!" "I don't care!"

0:36:390:36:42

You go along with it cos you're in a restaurant.

0:36:450:36:47

But it doesn't matter what you order, ladies and gentlemen,

0:36:470:36:50

the mainstay of any meal will be salt and pepper.

0:36:500:36:53

Salt and pepper are so phenomenally successful in the herb and spice arena.

0:36:530:37:00

They arrogantly sit on the table,

0:37:000:37:02

knowing that whatever you want to prepare you will require one of us.

0:37:020:37:07

Either myself, or my dear friend Pep. "Isn't that right?" "Right you are, Salty."

0:37:070:37:10

"You've been keeping busy?" "Ah, breakfast this morning, I was all over that."

0:37:100:37:15

But there are other herbs and spices. Oregano, thyme, rosemary, cumin, paprika.

0:37:150:37:20

They're all lined up in the cupboard, waiting.

0:37:200:37:22

Sometimes the cupboard door opens, they see salt and pepper on the table.

0:37:250:37:27

"Look at them, the bastards.

0:37:270:37:30

"What've they got? What've they got that we don't have?

0:37:310:37:35

"I just don't get it." "I don't get it either." "Neither do I."

0:37:350:37:37

"I can't even see them from here.

0:37:370:37:39

"What do they look like?"

0:37:390:37:41

"You ever been out of the cupboard, Cumin?"

0:37:440:37:45

"Once, I think, for Bolognese.

0:37:450:37:48

"They said it was an experiment.

0:37:480:37:50

"That was in 1992. I don't think it worked.

0:37:500:37:52

"But I remain hopeful."

0:37:520:37:53

"What about you, Sage? You ever been out of the cupboard?"

0:37:570:37:59

"I actually used to live with them at their old house.

0:37:590:38:01

"And then they moved me here and put me back in this cupboard. No."

0:38:010:38:06

"What about you, Paprika?"

0:38:090:38:12

"I fell out once.

0:38:120:38:14

They just put me back in the wrong way round.

0:38:190:38:22

"Seven years I was like this.

0:38:250:38:28

"Every day I pray. I pray for it to be goulash day.

0:38:290:38:33

"But it is never goulash day.

0:38:330:38:35

"I still got the plastic on my head. Why did they buy me?

0:38:360:38:39

"I don't understand it."

0:38:390:38:41

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:38:430:38:47

"What about you? Who are you on the end?"

0:38:470:38:51

"My name is Five-spice."

0:38:510:38:53

"Have you ever been out of the cupboard, Five-spice?"

0:38:570:39:00

"I am not one spice. I am five-spice.

0:39:000:39:06

"I am five times as good as all of you!"

0:39:070:39:11

"Yes, but have you ever been out of the cupboard?" "I have been used in recipes for thousands of years."

0:39:110:39:19

"But have you ever been out of this cupboard?" "No."

0:39:190:39:22

"Excuse me. Sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt all this nonsense.

0:39:250:39:28

"Tired of listening to all your whining, cos the fact is I have been

0:39:280:39:32

"in this cupboard for longer than all of you put together."

0:39:320:39:38

"Sorry, who are you?" "John West Tuna. Nice to meet you."

0:39:380:39:41

"This is my wife, Tinned Salmon."

0:39:440:39:47

I'll tell you my big news. My big news is that I've moved. I've moved.

0:39:540:39:57

I've moved very locally to here. It's always exciting moving.

0:39:570:40:01

I got a mortgage for the first time. I filled it out.

0:40:010:40:03

They said, "Make sure you don't leave anything blank in the application cos it could delay it."

0:40:030:40:08

And it said, "Occupation", so I put "Comedian".

0:40:080:40:09

Then it said, "Position".

0:40:090:40:11

I went for "Stand-up". I thought that was the closest.

0:40:130:40:16

It's exciting moving in all your stuff.

0:40:210:40:22

And where to move? Always London for me.

0:40:220:40:25

And it is safe for me to say this now, cos we're in London.

0:40:250:40:27

I belong to London. Everyone lives here cos, you know, it's a good place to live.

0:40:270:40:30

A lot of people keep going flirting with the country.

0:40:300:40:32

"Oh, I love it in the country. "Oh, I can't wait to get out of London.

0:40:320:40:35

"You know, it's just amazing.

0:40:350:40:37

"You know, you can just see for miles. Just for miles and miles.

0:40:370:40:40

"You can see for miles and it's so quiet, you can't hear anything."

0:40:400:40:43

That's cos nobody wants to live there.

0:40:430:40:45

I live in a place filled with people. I can't hear a thing.

0:40:450:40:50

"I can see for miles and everyone says hello to you."

0:40:500:40:54

"That's cos there's three people living in your village.

0:40:540:40:57

"In London everyone's so rude. No-one says hello to you."

0:40:570:40:59

"That's cos it's physically impossible."

0:40:590:41:02

You can't get on the tube and go, "Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello."

0:41:020:41:06

A clue as to how shit it is in the country is how quickly people tell you they can get back to London.

0:41:080:41:14

"I'm just so happy here. I can be in London in 42 minutes.

0:41:140:41:16

"42 minutes I can be in London. The other day I did it in 39 minutes!"

0:41:160:41:22

I wake up in the morning, "I'm in London! Zero minutes."

0:41:220:41:26

The most important thing when I was moving was to get internet and TV.

0:41:290:41:32

That's right. These are the most important things in my life.

0:41:320:41:34

Furniture, I can wait.

0:41:340:41:36

I can't not have the internet and proper TV on day one of the move.

0:41:360:41:41

Google is the starting point to everything. Google.

0:41:410:41:43

Although I do find Google quite patronising when it goes, "Did you mean... "

0:41:430:41:46

"I know what I meant, Google."

0:41:460:41:49

My computer broke, actually, quite recently.

0:41:500:41:52

I took it to the computer-fixing shop. There was a queue of people.

0:41:520:41:55

There was a person in front of me, a person behind me.

0:41:550:41:57

You've probably seen queues,

0:41:570:41:59

they're much like this. The person in front of me says,

0:41:590:42:01

"Excuse me, mate, I'm looking for a lead that goes from my laptop to the TV.

0:42:010:42:04

"I think it's a male to male lead?"

0:42:040:42:08

And the bloke behind me just went, "Gay."

0:42:080:42:10

He heard the words "male to male"

0:42:120:42:14

and his brain just went, "That's gay. That lead is gay."

0:42:140:42:18

Laptop to TV? That's not natural.

0:42:180:42:21

It's in the Bible.

0:42:210:42:23

Sky TV, essential. Phoned them up, "I need it on day one.

0:42:250:42:28

"What time you coming around?" "We can't specify a time, sir.

0:42:280:42:30

We can only specify between 8 and 12 in the morning and 12 and 5 in the afternoon."

0:42:300:42:36

"I can't wait all day for you. I've got a lot going on, I'm moving.

0:42:360:42:39

"Can you be more specific?" "I'm sorry, sir, we can't specify a time.

0:42:390:42:42

We can only specify between 8 and 12 in the morning and 12 and 5 in the afternoon."

0:42:420:42:46

I said, "Surely you can call me on your way here, then I can make sure I'm in."

0:42:460:42:49

"I'm sorry, sir, we simply cannot specify a time.

0:42:490:42:52

"We can only specify between 8 and 12 in the morning and 12 and 5 in the afternoon."

0:42:520:42:56

"OK, I'll go for 8 and 12 in the morning." "OK. Can I take your credit-card details?"

0:42:560:43:00

"Yes. The first digit is between one and seven. How about that?"

0:43:000:43:02

"Can I do that?"

0:43:040:43:05

APPLAUSE

0:43:050:43:08

"I can't specify a number."

0:43:080:43:09

Three o'clock in the afternoon, no Sky.

0:43:110:43:13

Couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe it.

0:43:130:43:15

"What time is it, darling? What time is it?" "It's three o'clock."

0:43:150:43:17

Is that between 8 and 12 in the morning? It isn't.

0:43:170:43:19

I'm phoning them.

0:43:190:43:21

"Where are you?" Then the doorbell went. Always typical, isn't it?

0:43:210:43:25

Soon as you start phoning, the doorbell goes. And I was angry, OK.

0:43:250:43:28

That's my excuse. I was angry because they were late and that's why I was rude to this man.

0:43:280:43:31

I opened the door and I said, "I've been waiting for you.

0:43:310:43:35

"I want it in the living room and I want it in the bedroom. Get started."

0:43:350:43:39

As I turned, the doorbell went again.

0:43:420:43:44

I was like, "Sorry, who are you?"

0:43:440:43:46

"I'm from Sky."

0:43:460:43:47

"Then who are you?"

0:43:470:43:50

This poor man was standing there, trembling.

0:43:500:43:51

"I'm from number 40, I came to introduce myself."

0:43:510:43:55

Not the best start to the neighbourhood. The only things I've said to this man are,

0:43:580:44:04

"I've been waiting for you. I want it in the living room, and I want it in the bedroom."

0:44:040:44:11

What confused me and will confuse me till the day I die, is why he then walked into my house.

0:44:110:44:15

I don't know who's more scared of who now.

0:44:190:44:21

It's good to be going home, obviously, cos I'm going home tonight,

0:44:270:44:29

cos I can't sleep on the road. Find it very difficult in hotels.

0:44:290:44:32

I need my wife there, yeah. I need her in bed. You need to be...

0:44:320:44:35

You know, that's where I'm most relaxed.

0:44:350:44:36

She'll go to sleep before me.

0:44:360:44:38

I will cuddle in. Arm goes over.

0:44:380:44:41

Her legs will be like that. I'll slot mine in nicely behind.

0:44:410:44:45

And I would sleep like this if it wasn't for this arm here.

0:44:450:44:48

After a while you just give up and roll away to sleep.

0:44:550:45:00

And then you're apart. You're apart for the night.

0:45:000:45:03

You wake up in the morning. First words of the day, you have to review the night's sleep, very important.

0:45:030:45:08

To catch up on what you've missed.

0:45:080:45:10

"Morning, darling. How did you sleep?"

0:45:100:45:13

This leads to what is undoubtedly the most boring conversation of the entire day.

0:45:140:45:20

It baffles me we can even find stuff to put in it.

0:45:200:45:23

But it can sometimes be a lengthy conversation of extraordinary dullness.

0:45:230:45:30

"Morning, darling, how did you sleep?" "I was very thirsty in the night.

0:45:300:45:33

"I was very thirsty."

0:45:330:45:35

"I was thirsty, too. God, I was thirsty."

0:45:350:45:37

"I think it was the pizza." "You're right.

0:45:370:45:39

"It was a very salty pizza.

0:45:390:45:41

"A tremendously salty pizza."

0:45:410:45:43

"I had to get up. I had to get up for water."

0:45:430:45:45

"I was too lazy to get up. I wanted to.

0:45:450:45:47

"If I'd have known that you got up I would have had some of your water.

0:45:470:45:50

"But I didn't know that you got up. And I was so hot as well."

0:45:500:45:52

"You were hot? I was quite chilly. I was actually quite chilly."

0:45:520:45:55

"Oh, I was really hot.

0:45:550:45:57

"I was so hot I had to sleep with one leg out of the covers like that."

0:45:570:46:01

"I saw you when I went to get water. I saw you with one leg out of the covers

0:46:010:46:04

"and I remember thinking, 'He can't be hot.'

0:46:040:46:06

"Can you really be hot?" "Yes.

0:46:060:46:08

"I was very hot and I couldn't get to sleep for hours." "You shouldn't have had

0:46:080:46:11

"that coffee. I told you not to when we were in the restaurant. That's stupid."

0:46:110:46:15

"I thought it was the right thing to do."

0:46:150:46:17

There'll be dreams to update as well.

0:46:190:46:21

She'll say, "I had this really weird dream."

0:46:210:46:24

And then she goes on to tell me about it. I can't help you with that. "I had this really weird dream.

0:46:240:46:28

"We were in this house, yeah? In this house, yeah?

0:46:280:46:31

"Yeah? In this house, yeah?

0:46:310:46:33

"It was our house. It was our house!

0:46:330:46:36

"But it wasn't OUR house.

0:46:360:46:38

"You were there.

0:46:380:46:40

"YOU were actually there. YOU were there.

0:46:400:46:43

"But it wasn't you. It wasn't you."

0:46:430:46:45

Nightmares happen on occasion. I think for all people in relationships,

0:46:490:46:53

once in a while you have this dream - that your partner cheated on you.

0:46:530:46:56

They have betrayed you in your sleep.

0:46:560:46:58

It's a horrible nightmare of deceit. And you are filled with hate.

0:46:580:47:04

And you wake up in the morning and you're so relieved.

0:47:040:47:06

"It was just a dream. That didn't really happen."

0:47:060:47:08

But the hate is still strong within you.

0:47:080:47:10

I look over at her and I can see she's just sleeping there soundly, she did nothing.

0:47:120:47:18

Done nothing to hurt me, just been sleeping sweetly. Nothing to hurt me. But I'm staring at her.

0:47:180:47:22

GRUNTS AND GROWLS

0:47:230:47:25

INHALES DEEPLY AND GROANS

0:47:250:47:29

"Slut."

0:47:290:47:30

"What?

0:47:320:47:33

"Sorry, Michael? Morning. What did you say?"

0:47:340:47:38

"I said that you're a slut and a whore. How could you do it?

0:47:380:47:42

"With my geography teacher from school?!"

0:47:420:47:45

Sometimes it's you. Sometimes you've had a dream where you've had an affair with somebody really weird.

0:47:480:47:53

Somebody from work or something.

0:47:530:47:55

And you feel quite guilty.

0:47:550:47:57

"Oh, shit."

0:47:570:47:59

"Morning, Michael. How did you sleep?"

0:48:020:48:04

"Nothing. Nothing."

0:48:040:48:05

Breath is an issue in the morning as well. Breath.

0:48:110:48:14

Morning breath. What is that about? I don't understand it.

0:48:140:48:17

I would understand it if maybe before I went to bed

0:48:170:48:19

I had, like, some garlic, some onions, some Red Bull and swirled it around in my face.

0:48:190:48:24

Some kind of cocktail.

0:48:240:48:25

That's not what happens.

0:48:250:48:26

I brush my teeth, flossing, maybe mouthwash...

0:48:260:48:31

I go to sleep minty fresh, like most of you.

0:48:310:48:33

Seven, eight hours later, she's like, "Morning, Michael."

0:48:330:48:36

EXHALES

0:48:360:48:38

"Morning, darling."

0:48:380:48:40

"Holy shit!"

0:48:430:48:45

"Are you all right, Michael?"

0:48:450:48:47

"Yes, I'm fine.

0:48:480:48:51

"I actually slept really well."

0:48:510:48:54

"Did you go out in the night?"

0:48:540:48:56

"Why would I go out in the night? I was sleeping here next to you.

0:48:580:49:01

"What are you talking about?"

0:49:010:49:03

"I actually want you to think about this quite seriously.

0:49:030:49:06

"At any stage during the night, do you recall...

0:49:060:49:10

"eating shit? Did it happen?"

0:49:100:49:11

"Why would I eat shit? What are you talking about?

0:49:150:49:18

"That's insane."

0:49:180:49:19

"Are you certain? Maybe you... Did you get thirsty and drink from the toilet or...?"

0:49:190:49:23

"No." "Perhaps you pissed on your own face.

0:49:250:49:27

"Accidents happen."

0:49:270:49:30

Sometimes, despite this, you will still have morning sex.

0:49:310:49:34

Now, morning sex will ALWAYS involve morning breath.

0:49:340:49:37

You just adapt it to keep your heads as far away as possible.

0:49:370:49:42

Sometimes you get lost in the moment. "Oh, I really... Argh!"

0:49:420:49:45

And she'll tell me. I hate that about a long-term relationship. I could do without the honesty.

0:49:470:49:51

She will literally go, "Sorry, I didn't kiss you, Michael, but you stink from your face."

0:49:510:49:56

"OK, sorry. I'll brush my teeth, then."

0:49:560:49:59

Could do with a little bit less honesty.

0:49:590:50:02

Sometimes I'll try and seduce her. "Darling,

0:50:020:50:05

"maybe later you'd like to...?"

0:50:050:50:06

"You have some bogey just..." "Oh, sorry."

0:50:060:50:09

"What was it you wanted, Michael?" "I'm fine, actually. To be honest, I'm fine.

0:50:090:50:13

"Let's just leave it, let's forget about it. I'll just sit here."

0:50:130:50:18

"Your ball is hanging out a little bit."

0:50:180:50:20

"Oh, for God's sake, leave me alone!"

0:50:200:50:22

Deep sleep - every once in a while, you have a sleep so deep you'll sleep on your arm.

0:50:260:50:30

It's quite fun - you wake up with a dead arm.

0:50:300:50:33

It's quite heavy as well - a heavy dead arm.

0:50:380:50:41

Darling, my arm is dead. I've a dead arm.

0:50:410:50:44

Hellooo!

0:50:440:50:46

I don't even know how I did it, but recently I contrived to sleep on both of my arms.

0:50:460:50:52

And they were BOTH dead.

0:50:520:50:54

I got woken up by the phone ringing. Prrp! Prrp! "I'll get it...

0:50:540:50:58

"My arms are completely dead. I can't get the phone!

0:51:000:51:05

"Jeez! Can you just get the phone for me, darling, and hold it to my face?"

0:51:070:51:11

"How lazy are you?" "My arms are dead, I can't do anything!"

0:51:110:51:16

Because I'm away a lot, she says, "I hate it when you're not here, Michael.

0:51:180:51:22

"Because I feel safe when you're here."

0:51:220:51:25

I'm like, "I don't.

0:51:250:51:27

"I might look like Mr Miyagi - I don't have the moves, darling!"

0:51:280:51:32

That is a man's biggest fear.

0:51:320:51:33

That you'll be sleeping soundly at night and she'll be like, "Michael! Michael!"

0:51:330:51:37

"Mah... Wah... Mah..."

0:51:370:51:39

"Michael, wake up!"

0:51:390:51:41

-EXHALES

-"What? What do you want? I was asleep here."

0:51:410:51:47

"Jesus!

0:51:470:51:50

"Michael, I think there's somebody in the house. I think somebody's broken into our house.

0:51:500:51:55

"I can hear them in the kitchen!"

0:51:550:51:56

That is without a shadow of a doubt my biggest fear. In fact, that isn't my biggest fear -

0:51:560:52:00

my biggest fear is that that happens and I've slept on both arms. That's my biggest fear.

0:52:000:52:04

"Shit. Damn! Darling,

0:52:060:52:09

"what do you want me to do?" "I want you to go and find out."

0:52:090:52:12

"Find out? Find out what?" "Find out if there's someone downstairs!"

0:52:120:52:15

"Darling, remember the other day when the phone was ringing?

0:52:150:52:18

"I've got no arms, I've slept on both of my arms."

0:52:180:52:21

"Don't lie to me. Go and protect this household."

0:52:210:52:23

"You'll have to go. You're in a much better position than I am."

0:52:230:52:26

"How could you do this?! What about the children?"

0:52:260:52:29

"Good idea. Send one of them.

0:52:290:52:31

"Give the little one the Wii and tell the other one there's ice cream."

0:52:310:52:34

"You must go and save us." "All right, I'll go!

0:52:340:52:36

"Shit!

0:52:390:52:40

"Hey, you! You, in the kitchen - get out of my house!

0:52:420:52:45

"Don't make me come over there!

0:52:450:52:47

"Darling, I've got no arms - what do you want me to do?"

0:52:470:52:50

"se the breath!"

0:52:500:52:52

-EXHALES

-Thank you very much for listening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

0:52:520:52:57

-Good night. Thank you!

-CHEERING

0:52:570:52:59

-Thank you, Wembley!

-CHEERING AND WHISTLING

0:52:590:53:02

Thanks very much.

0:53:020:53:04

Thank you! Good night!

0:53:090:53:12

CHEERING CONTINUES

0:53:120:53:16

That is very rude.

0:53:350:53:37

That's very rude. Now, you know...

0:53:370:53:40

No, no, I'm sorry. You know...

0:53:400:53:43

No, I do this for a living, and this is the end of my work day.

0:53:430:53:47

No, it's not fair. When you're at work and you pop your coat on and go,

0:53:470:53:50

"Look, I'll see you guys tomorrow," the office doesn't go, "More!

0:53:500:53:54

"Go out!

0:53:550:53:56

"Then come back, do one photocopy, then go home." Yeah...(!)

0:53:560:54:00

I've been a bit, er...

0:54:020:54:04

I'm not going to lie to you, been a bit stressed, this is quite a big gig, and, er,

0:54:040:54:09

I've been building up to it for a few weeks and I was a bit stressed.

0:54:090:54:12

A few weeks ago, I was in this hotel. I said to my wife,

0:54:120:54:14

"I'm a bit stressed." "What are you stressed about?"

0:54:140:54:16

"A lot of people are coming to see me. They might not like me and it'll be really scary.

0:54:160:54:21

"And they will kill me, I'm outnumbered hugely."

0:54:210:54:23

She said, "Well, why don't you go down and have a massage in the hotel?" Never even occurred to me!

0:54:260:54:32

She said, "It's very relaxing, very beneficial." I phoned the spa.

0:54:320:54:35

"My wife says maybe I need some kind of massage, because I'm quite stressed."

0:54:350:54:39

"Oh, yes, you called the right place. Just pop on your dressing gown and your slippers,

0:54:390:54:43

"and make your way down to the spa in the basement." Now, if I was stressed beforehand,

0:54:430:54:47

I was certainly stressed after I had got lost and wandered into a conference in my dressing gown.

0:54:470:54:53

"A bloke sleepwalking! What a dickhead!"

0:54:550:54:58

I finally made it down to the spa, where they're very relaxed.

0:54:590:55:02

You know, there's always aromatherapy oils...

0:55:020:55:05

They can barely speak, they're so relaxed. "Hello, sir, can I help you?"

0:55:050:55:10

"Yes, I just spoke to you earlier." Because I get even more posh when I'm stressed.

0:55:100:55:14

"I spoke to you earlier. M-m-my wife suggested a massage. What do you recommend...?

0:55:140:55:17

"I think the best thing to do if you're really feeling stressed is a full-body massage."

0:55:170:55:22

So they take me to this little room where they have candles the sounds of waves crashing against the shore.

0:55:220:55:28

Aromatherapy scents filling the air.

0:55:280:55:31

You put your head in this sort of thing... That's not the relaxing bit.

0:55:310:55:34

No-one's ever had a tough day at work and come home and got a tennis racquet and gone...

0:55:340:55:39

"That's a lot better, I feel REALLY relaxed now."

0:55:390:55:41

So you're lying there, head in this thing, dribbling a bit...

0:55:410:55:44

And then what happens is a strange woman rubs oil into your body for an hour.

0:55:470:55:53

Now, due to evolution, there are various natural reactions to this.

0:55:530:55:57

And fighting those natural urges for an hour is without a shadow of a doubt

0:55:590:56:04

the least relaxing moments of my entire life.

0:56:040:56:06

Bear in mind, I went there to de-stress. It starts off OK.

0:56:060:56:10

She massages your sort of back and your shoulders, then she goes down

0:56:100:56:14

your arm and does your hands and it's sort of OK.

0:56:140:56:16

Then she goes to your leg,

0:56:160:56:17

glides her hands up your leg and DANGEROUSLY CLOSE to your balls, and then back.

0:56:170:56:21

If this is one's ball, this is the kind of distance we're talking about.

0:56:230:56:27

Almost like she's filed her fingernails beforehand.

0:56:300:56:33

And you're lying there going, "Ah...

0:56:330:56:36

"Agh!

0:56:360:56:37

"Agh!" "If you'd like to turn over for me, Mr McIntyre...?"

0:56:390:56:42

"You'll need to give me a couple of minutes at least, OK?"

0:56:420:56:46

They basically massage every part of your body except for the key area.

0:56:490:56:55

I've never been MORE stressed in my life! I could barely walk at the end of it.

0:56:550:56:59

HE MUTTERS

0:56:590:57:01

"Hi, darling, how was that?"

0:57:040:57:06

"Toss me off!"

0:57:060:57:07

"Don't believe it's your birthday until next month - how very rude!"

0:57:150:57:18

So she takes the piss out of me, she says, "Oh, you obviously can't handle it.

0:57:180:57:23

"You can't handle it to get the benefits of massage."

0:57:230:57:26

I said, "I can, but they're really close to your balls and it's really difficult."

0:57:260:57:30

She said, "Well, why don't you have a head, neck and shoulder massage?" I thought, "OK."

0:57:300:57:34

So I tried that, right? I thought I'd be all right, you know? That deals with this sort of area.

0:57:340:57:38

No-one's come up to me and gone, "Hi, Michael," and I've gone, "Mmm..." I'm OK.

0:57:380:57:43

Same sort of setup, you know, candles are burning,

0:57:430:57:46

my head's in the thing, aromatherapy oils filling the atmosphere,

0:57:460:57:50

the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. She massages my neck and my shoulders.

0:57:500:57:55

I'm feeling the benefits of massage. Then she goes down my arm and starts doing my hands.

0:57:550:57:59

I'm like, "No, she's made a mistake. She thinks this is a full-body massage.

0:57:590:58:04

"She's going to go to my legs in a minute. I can't cope with that.

0:58:040:58:08

"I can't cope with that, I know I can't cope with that!"

0:58:080:58:10

So I just innocently enquired, "I'm sorry, I thought you did head..." I didn't realise how that would sound.

0:58:100:58:16

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!

0:58:170:58:20

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

0:58:200:58:24

Thank you very much, Wembley! Thank you!

0:58:250:58:27

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, Wembley!

0:58:310:58:35

Whoo-hoo!

0:58:350:58:37

Thank you!

0:58:370:58:39

Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Go home.

0:58:460:58:49

-Safe journey! Thank you, Wembley!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:58:490:58:54

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

0:59:150:59:18

E-mail [email protected]

0:59:180:59:21

Stand-up performance recorded at Wembley Arena during Michael McIntyre's 2009 sell-out 54 date UK tour. The show features Michael's unique take on life - from getting to grips with wine menus and restaurant etiquette, to obsessive Wii playing and condiment hierarchy in the kitchen cupboard.


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