Michael McIntyre: Hello Wembley!

This programme contains some strong language

Wembley, please welcome Michael McIntyre.

APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Whoo!

Hello, Wembley!

CHEERING

Ah, good.

How are you? Good evening. Welcome. Welcome to my show.

It's Saturday night!

CHEERING

Now, obviously, there would've been various different reactions to your seats tonight.

People at the back, thank you so much for being here tonight.

They're miles away!

To a man, most of those people have sat down and gone,

"These are shit seats. They're shit seats.

"We probably should've just bought the DVD.

"It would be better just watching TV.

"Is that even him? I mean, it might not even be him."

"They could've just got any camp, Chinese man to run around.

"For all I know, that's Gok Wan."

The best thing about being here at Wembley, it's my local gig.

I can go home at night and see my family.

See my boys, Lucas and Oscar.

Quite middle class, let's not lie about that.

When I go to the park and I call Lucas... "Lucas!"

About three boys will normally go, "Yes, Daddy?"

"Papa?" "Father, you called?"

The other day I said, "Oscar", and three dogs ran over.

How awkward is that?

"You named your child what I named my dog?"

He's got no manners, the four-year-old.

It's cos I have to teach him manners, but you know what kids are like.

He doesn't know how to speak properly.

He finishes off his lunch and he goes, "Ice cream!

"I want ice cream now!"

"What do you say?" "Ice cream!"

"What do you say?"

"Give me ice cream!"

"What do you say?" "Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream!"

This goes on for about 15 minutes before he goes, "Please!"

You have to give him ice cream because he said please.

I think he thinks you have to shout about something for 15 minutes

and then say please, and then you get it.

I need to nip that in the bud.

Otherwise he's going to go on his first date at 18, finishing up dinner, going, "Sex!

"I want sex now!

"Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!

"Give me sex!

"Please!"

My other boy, he's one.

I had a little bit of an incident with him the other day

when I was playing the Nintendo Wii, which I'm particularly good at.

I would challenge any of you to Grand Slam Tennis.

I'm amazing at it, phenomenal. I got it for the calorie-burning.

People said it's quite good for losing weight.

The first few times I played it, I had the headband on,

my shorts on, I'm running around the living room.

And you do burn calories, cos you're playing tennis, in your living room.

But after a while you realise you're just as good,

if not better, lying on the sofa, eating a hamburger.

If there's an area of my body that doesn't require a workout,

it's going to be the wrist area, if I'm brutally honest with you.

This is a muscle I've been training quite religiously now for some years.

It's amazing how many sports do just use the wrists.

Darts, and badminton, snooker, although I can't play snooker any more.

Ever since somebody told me it's like tossing off a man behind you, sort of...

Sort of put me off that particular sport.

So I'm playing on the Wii, right. I'm playing Roger Federer.

It's the French Open, we're on clay. Semi-final.

We're involved in this massive baseline rally.

It is me, cos you can create your own face on the Wii,

which is quite depressing cos you realise how unattractive you are

when you go through the options.

Face - wider, wider, paler, more pale.

Download more pale.

Eyes - more slanty.

"Why are you married to me?" "I've no idea. You're THAT ugly."

"Am I really?"

So, it's Roger Federer against some kind of obese Michael Chang at the French Open.

HE GRUNTS

I'm literally grunting through my shots. I do tend to grunt.

In most sports, I'm that unfit - even chess.

HE GRUNTS

So this rally's going on, I'm sweating, I'm off the sofa now.

I'm really getting into it. Federer plays this sublime drop-shot.

I charge across the living room and smack it down the line for a winner

and then celebrate my break of serve.

"Come on!"

Unfortunately, my one-year-old, Oscar, had walked into the room at this very moment

with love and adoration in his eyes, as only a boy has for his father.

And up till this point, I've been very good to him.

He ran into the room, "Hello, Dada."

I then hurtled towards him with venom in my eyes,

and smacked him in the face.

The poor boy knows nothing of the Nintendo Wii.

He thinks I've just completely turned on him.

I've picked up some kind of white brick, rolled towards him,

smacked him in the face and then celebrated.

"Come on!

"Shit! Something's happened to Oscar."

My other son saw it.

"You just hit Ozzy in the face!" "Do not tell your mother."

"I'm telling Mummy." "Do not tell your mother!"

"I'm telling Mummy."

"Do not tell your mother!"

"I'm telling Mummy."

"Please!"

"OK, I won't tell Mummy.

"I want ice cream." "Whatever you want!"

The poor kid, now every time I pick up the Wii, he shits himself.

I've had to put it in the cupboard. My wife got it out the other day.

"Shall we play on this?" "No, Dada, no!"

We're having trouble potty-training him.

"Do you need a Wii?" "No!"

I'm into all technology. I'm particularly enjoying Sky Plus at the moment.

You can pause live TV. Pause it.

And it's a good pause, as well, the perfect...

Everything you want from pause. Not like the old 1980s VHS pause, that was a very different story.

People who weren't even moving would start moving.

"I wasn't even moving in this scene." People in paintings.

Then you can watch it back at any speed.

Times two, times six, times 12, times 30.

I watch the football in times six. It whizzes along.

Deal or No Deal in times 30 is much more entertaining.

I watch all TV, even just to slag it off. Dragons' Den.

How arrogant are those men?

And woman.

We know you're rich, you don't need to bring cash with you.

They bring cash and put it on the table in front of them.

"Look how loaded I am. I brought all this cash.

"All my bank accounts are full, so I've had to bring additional cash with me."

"Have you got cash, Theo Paphitis?" "Oh, yes. I'm as rich as you are.

"That's why my table is filled with cash, just like you."

"What about you, other two Dragons?" "We've got lots of cash.

"Tables full of cash. We're totally loaded." "All right, bring in the first poor person."

They come in, trembling.

"Hello... Hello, Dragons.

"Please, please can I have some cash for the ideas in my brain?"

"I feel sick just looking at the poor person's face.

"You disgust me. Everything about your being, and your clothes are hideous.

"For that reason, I'm out."

"Are you out, Theo Paphitis?"

"I will be out, but first I'm going to humiliate the poor person for 15 minutes,

"and confuse her with mathematics, before declaring that I am out too".

I'd like to go on Dragons' Den with a shotgun.

I'd just like to go there, point it at each of them individually,

until one of them goes, "So, what's your idea?"

"Quite simple. Put that cash in this bag. OK?

"You get no equity." That's my idea.

I like some TV.

I liked watching people getting their exam results live a few weeks ago on GMTV. How exciting was that!

"We're going to go live now to a school where someone's opening their results live on TV."

"Darling, it's going to be live on TV."

They come out of school with an envelope, trembling.

We all edge closer to the TV, thinking exactly the same thing.

Fail.

I'll watch TV till the bitter end.

Literally to the early hours of the morning, till the signing zone, the deaf zone.

That's when you feel it's probably time for bed.

When there's somebody in the corner, signing,

you tend to think, "This isn't really for me, maybe."

They almost look at you like, "You shouldn't be...

"This isn't for you, is it?

"Should have watched this in the day, when it was on the first time.

"Why don't you go and dream in sound?

"You can do that, others can't. Have some respect for the signing zone."

I like it when there's no dialogue in the programme and they watch TV with you.

How can they even see it? Is that how they watch TV at home?

Tough day at work? Stand directly next to the TV.

I don't know, by the way, if I am signing.

I don't speak sign language.

This is more how I dance.

I watched The Blue Planet, the other day on the signing zone.

This is the show where David Attenborough discovered creatures from the deep

for the very first time on the show, and named them, cos they'd never been discovered before.

So he was like, "Here we have the newly-discovered dypalotodicus."

And the signing guy was like...

He resorted to impersonating the fish. It was hilarious.

There was a fish swimming on the TV and he was just underneath, going...

I saw Prime Minister's Questions on it once

and it seemed like the signing guy had his own political agenda.

Gordon Brown was going, "We must fight the credit crisis head on."

The guy in the corner was...

So I've been here all week.

The thing that really annoys me, having these massive screens, is that I can't see what you see.

I can't... I have no idea what I actually look like...

..in the screen.

It's extremely frustrating. That's the back of my head, incidentally.

That's what I look like from the back.

It's very rare that you ever see what you look like from the back.

You only ever see the back of your head at the end of a haircut.

That's the only time most people see the back of their head.

And let's be honest, we genuinely don't give a shit.

People care greatly what they look like from the front, from the back, not interested. Especially men.

It's a very awkward moment for a man at the end of a haircut,

when we're presented with the back of our head.

And they look at you for approval.

"Do you like the work I've done back here?"

In the history of hairdressing, no man has ever reacted in this moment in any other way other than...

"Yeah."

Do people go, "I love it, I'm leaving backwards!

"I'm spending the rest of my life in reverse."

We don't care. Men are just grateful to still have hair.

We don't care what the haircut...

When you go for a haircut, they ask you questions before even the hairwash.

"So what are we doing today?" Some kind of consultation.

We have nothing to say at this moment. "Haircut, that's what I want.

"I want to leave here with less hair than when I entered in the building."

I like people who go bald,

but a little bit stays in the middle.

Like a little island of hair that breaks away from the mainland.

And they keep the island. They must think, "Shall I keep the island?

"I'll keep the island. Maybe I can build a little walkway to the mainland."

I saw one bloke with this and it was in the shape of an arrow.

He had a pretty decent arrow on the top of his head.

And I wondered, when people ask him directions, does he tell them or just go...

Of course, it's a very different story for women.

Hairdressing, layers, and colours and tints.

My wife has all these lotions and potions.

The amount of creaming she does.

Hours! She comes out of the shower.

We're still two or three hours from getting into the bed.

Creaming, different creams...

"Just creaming myself, Michael. Be with you in about 45 minutes.

"Just creaming my entire body, sliding across..."

She said to me the other day, "Can you get me this cream?

"It's a miracle, must-have cream, really expensive."

I said, "What's it for? You've got all the creams in the world."

She said, "It's for wrinkles." "You don't have any wrinkles".

"I know. If I use this cream every single day for the rest of my life, I'll never have wrinkles.

That's why it's a miracle, must-have cream."

I'm like, "When are you even due to have wrinkles?"

"I don't know, Michael. 20 years."

"20 years?! You want me to buy you something 20 years in advance of you maybe getting it?

"This sounds like a rip-off to me. All right? And I will take it back.

"I don't like to be ripped off.

"I'm more than happy to walk in there in 2029 and go,

"'I purchased this cream 20 years ago, I've got the receipt,

"'which you'll notice is in a better condition than the face of my wife. I want a full refund.'"

These cosmetics departments are the weirdest places I've ever seen.

Big, bright lights everywhere, and people working there,

they seem to have every product they sell on their face.

They can't even move their own faces.

"Can I interest you with anything from the Clarins range?

"It's all over my face.

"Just pick what you want from the face."

They even asked me a question as I was walking through.

"Excuse me, sir." "What is it?"

"Quick question about your face."

"Sorry? You have a question about my face?"

"Yes, it's looking very dry."

"I should have a wet face, should I?

"You don't have a wet face. Don't see anybody else with a wet face."

She asked one of the most difficult questions I've ever been asked.

"What is your daily skin routine?"

"Every day, I have skin. What exactly are you getting at?"

But I don't want you to think that I'm not a generous man.

I did recently buy her a very beautiful dress.

We went out shopping especially for a dress.

Shopping for clothing can be quite tense with her... with any woman, I think.

Because she's the same size, but in different shops,

she's different sizes, depending on how they interpret a different size.

I really don't know why this is.

But she can range from a size 8, and then next door ,she'll be a size 12.

And if she's an 8, we have a really lovely day together.

LAUGHTER

If she's a 12, we have to go home immediately.

It gets to the point, she's more interested in the size than what she's trying on.

She'll be like. "Michael, it's an eight.

"It's an eight and it fits me really, really well.

"It's an eight. It just sort of slides on, and it's an eight.

"You don't know what this means. I've been waiting for this moment." "It's an eight."

"Darling, it's a shoe. Why are you so excited?"

We're looking around for this dress.

A personal shopper, I've never met one of these before.

The campiest man I've ever met in my entire life who literally jumped into our life.

I've never seen anyone so camp they jumped into our life.

We were looking around, browsing, he came running up, "Excuse me! Hello!

"Are you shopping here today?" I have a bit of an issue with very camp, gay men,

and my issue is that I realise I'm quite camp myself.

And I feel that if I behave normally, as a heterosexual,

I'm treading on their territory a bit.

So I tend to go in the opposite direction. "Are you shopping here today?"

-DEEP VOICE:

-"What does it look like, mate? Waiting for a train?"

Naturally I would've gone, "Yes, and you can help. Yay!"

So he takes us into this room and starts showing us all these dresses.

And my wife's loving them. It's very exciting. All these designer dresses.

I knew it was too expensive. I knew there was problems here, when he gave me champagne as well.

"You have a glass of champagne and just sit there, and let us girls sort this out, OK?"

So finally she finds this one, she loves it. The guy's practically in tears.

"So beautiful. I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life."

My wife's like, "Can we afford it, Michael?"

"No, we can't afford it." I knew this was going to happen.

Nobody can afford this dress, it's a joke.

People shouldn't spend this kind of money on something you can't drive. OK? It's not natural.

But I could see how happy she was with it and I could see the disappointment in her eyes,

and quite frankly, I sensed an opportunity.

So I said, "Look, I can see how beautiful you look in this,

"and I know that we've come here for a reason, and I want to make you happy.

"I love you. It's a special occasion".

I was thinking mainly about the blow job. "I think that you deserve it."

You know what it's like, after 10 years in a relationship, blow jobs work on a sort of reward structure.

There's no spontaneity left in a relationship.

If I do a series of good things, she will make an announcement.

Somebody might be getting a blow job later. "Me? Is it me? Is it me?"

I've even noticed over the years, I seem to be getting blow jobs on my birthday,

which led to me on my last birthday actually saying the words,

"Darling, will I be getting a birthday blow job today?"

Then you enter into serious negotiating.

"Yes, Michael, you will. Would you like a quick one now or a long one later?"

"I've got a lot to do in the kitchen."

"Ah, how romantic. Let me consider those options.

A quick one now in case one of us dies at lunch. How about that? "

So I said to her, "Come on, let's just get this dress before I change my mind. Let's get it and go."

And she says, "I need a clutch." "You need a what?" "I need a clutch!"

"Sorry, there's something wrong with the car?

"You tell me now?" "No, it's called a clutch bag. It goes with the dress, like an outfit.

"Do you not know anything about fashion?"

I said, "No, what is it?" "It's a bag for your essentials.

"Lipstick, keys, phone, that kind of thing." You clutch it like that, and it matches the dress."

"All right. How much is that?" £500! £500? For a bag for your lipstick, and your keys and your phone?

I said, "For £500, I could hire a human being to walk alongside you

"holding your lipstick and your keys and your phone".

It's fun watching anybody trying things on.

People behave very oddly when they try things on, don't they?

When they put dresses on, and trousers.

You walk in a way you'll never actually walk once you purchase the trousers.

She walks into the changing room like a normal human being holding the trousers.

Then she comes out, doing this "What do you think? What do you think of these trousers?

I think they're quite nice. "Mmm." "What are you doing?" "I'm seeing if they fit."

"You don't need to be doing that in trousers."

Men do the same thing, when I put a suit on. There's this whole suit thing, that you do.

What do you think of this suit? I think it's pretty good.

No-one's ever done this when they own the suit.

But when they're trying it on,

there's a huge preparation for acting like a complete freak in a suit.

You wouldn't go to a business meeting going, "Hello, my name's Ian.

"Just got a new suit and trousers."

The main one is with shoes.

When you try shoes on, you will go for a walk in the shoe shop,

but it's not a walk you'll ever do anywhere else outside of the shoe shop.

It's a shoe-shop walk. You walk around in this sort of...

I quite like these shoes. I don't think they'll rub.

I'm going to bang it for a bit.

I think they're quite comfortable.

It'll be perfect for my Elvis impersonation.

Let me just push them with my thumb for no reason at all.

The toe is in the toe section.

That's ideal.

All the other toes are there.

If the toe was at the back, I wouldn't buy them.

That'd be bizarre.

The sides are filled with the sides of my feet.

Perfect. Everything I wanted happened when I went down there.

I think I might definitely get these. They even have mirrors

where you can look at the shoe from a different angle.

Ah, look, there's the shoe from that angle. Hmm!

The cat will love them.

That's probably what the cat will see.

They even give you one shoe.

These lazy people who work in shoe shops, they bring out the shoes,

they lace up one and hand you the one.

And do we say, "Excuse me, people in life wear two shoes"?

"You're wearing two shoes now!" Oh, no, we don't.

We take the one shoe, we go for a walk in that.

This is good, I love this shoe.

Give me two of these!

Why would you walk around the shoe shop in one shoe?

There's no moment in your life

that we would ever be recreating this moment.

"Wallet, keys, phone, I'm late. One shoe, I've got to go to a meeting."

It's not just clothes that you try. Everything.

You buy a sofa, you start bouncing on it and rubbing the fabric.

Nobody sits like this at home. People don't come round to your house. "Do take a seat."

I tried a bed and you lie on the bed.

Not how you'd normally sleep, like this. Next to my wife, as well. "I like this bed.

"Do you like the bed?" It's a really good bed."

"Will we be using it as a coffin?" "Evidently we will, darling."

I bought a Hoover from Comet.

They love electricals. Everything they sell is electric.

Which means you have to plug it in. But nothing in the shop is plugged in.

And the whole shop is filled with people trying things out, but not for their primary function.

They're just looking at fridges by opening them and closing them.

No-one asks whether it actually makes food colder?

"Look at this one, it opens like that and closes. I like it, and it's silver."

Look at this oven, it opens, it's got trays and dials!

I love trays and dials! "Does it heat food?" "I don't give a shit. It's got dials and trays."

I was trying a Hoover and I felt the need to hoover around the shop a bit.

Just to feel the weight of the Hoover. It wasn't plugged in.

I just took it for a little spin.

As I was hoovering down the aisle, somebody else was trying their Hoover and hoovered past me.

"Hello. Good Hoover. I used to have that model."

There's two distinctive styles of hoovering. Either you walk with your Hoover, like this.

Then you get to the end and you hoover around and you follow in behind.

Or you stand your ground and hoover out.

Then you just pick another spot at random. Hoover out again.

If you can't get into a nook, the hose will come out.

It's exciting when you think, "We'll utilise the hose now."

You stand up and take the hose out.

Before you hoover with the hose, for some reason you feel the excitement building.

You have to hoover yourself. I don't really know why.

You know what it'll feel like.

You know that it's a suction device.

You just feel the need to confirm it.

MIMICS HOOVER WHIRRING

It's just one of those signs that life is quite boring when you decide to hoover yourself.

"Looking for a job today?" "Hoovering my own face earlier."

I've been eating too much, let's be honest, cos I've been on the road. I'm trying to lose weight. Exercise.

People say you can eat as much as you like as long as you exercise. I've tried.

The gym's a horror story. The changing rooms, I just can't cope with it.

I don't understand men's philosophies towards nakedness. OK?

Men in this very room behave like this and I don't understand you.

If I have to be naked in public, I'll be naked for a short amount of time as is possible.

I will get my fresh, new pants, line them up. Get the perfect distance away.

Take off old pants, put new pants on!

I'm back in pants.

Sometimes I go too quickly. I'm in two pants. I don't give a shit.

I'd rather have two pants than no pants.

Other men have completely the opposite philosophy of this.

They'll come out of the shower, sort of air-drying.

Towel-drying their arses!

I have never towel-dried my arse in my entire life. I don't need to.

I don't leak water from my arse.

But other men, they spend hours working away at the arse area.

Going through dozens of fresh towels.

But they don't do it in the corner against the wall.

They're right out there in the open, looking at you, "Yes, I'm towel-drying my arse now."

And I see men put their pants on last. Literally last.

They come out of the shower, you know, they put the... Shirt goes on

and everything's flapping around down there.

Tie goes on, look who's still in town.

Jacket.

Coat.

Scarf.

Top hat.

Yeah, baby.

Shoes and socks. How's that even possible? What are you going to do? Sew your trousers on now?

People dropping keys.

I saw one guy blow-drying his pubic hair in the hand dryer. That should be illegal.

Standing there talking about house prices. "Do you think we've reached the bottom?"

I see people running to each other.

If I saw somebody I knew in the gym changing room, I'd hide in the locker.

This guy was, like, "Mark?"

"Richard! Is that you?

"I didn't know you were a member of this gym."

"Yeah, I just moved into the area recently. What's it like here?"

You literally don't know where to look.

I sat down once to do my shoelaces.

I will never go to this height in that environment again.

There were lockers above me. Somebody's looking for their locker. They're edging over.

I'm sitting here doing my laces up.

Ahh!

The final straw was a bloke who came over to me, "Excuse me, have you got the time?"

"Time to put your pants on, OK?"

I actually started this whole process in Taunton in the West Country...

-SMALL CHEER

-..where two people have joined us tonight.

In the West Country, they speak like this. They go...

-WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:

-"All right. You all right? Welcome to Somerset. You all right?"

-Bizarrely, in East Anglia, which is the opposite side of the country...

-BIGGER CHEER

..where several people have joined us tonight, they speak like this.

-EAST ANGLIAN ACCENT:

-"Hello! You all right? Welcome to Norwich."

How on earth did this happen?

Opposite sides of the country.

The country is divided into, "All right!" "Hello!" "All right!" How did it happen?

Did a whole lot of farmers just arrive and go, "Right, let's split up.

You guys go that way, we'll wait here." "All right." "Hello."

"Keep walking."

"All right."

In the interval in my gig there, this woman came in and said, "Hello, Michael, my name is Margaret.

"I'm the duty manager here. This is my assistant, Jenny. Say hello, Jenny." "Hello. My name's Jenny."

Jenny was quite something to behold. She had eyes pointing in different directions.

It's awkward, you don't know whether to ignore it or pick one and get in front of it.

Margaret said, "Michael, did you get your sandwich?

"I made you your sandwich myself with my assistant, Jenny,

"and I was wondering whether you enjoyed your sandwich."

Now, it was a terrible sandwich.

Out of politeness I said, "Thank you, Margaret, for my sandwich."

But this sandwich was an abomination.

This sandwich consisted of tomato and lettuce and no further ingredients.

There was nothing else in this sandwich.

I couldn't even believe it was a sandwich.

A sandwich needs a focal ingredient, a meat or a cheese, then you accessorise around it.

This was an accessory sandwich.

A humiliation of a sandwich.

And I've been thinking, subsequently, who in their right mind

would present this and even call it a sandwich?

And the only conclusion I came to is that she was trying to make me a BLT, but got confused cos of

the B in bread. It's the only real thought I've had.

LAUGHTER

She was in the kitchen with Jenny, going, "Right, we're going to go for a classic here today, the BLT.

"We're gonna need B for bread, pass that.

L, that'll be the lettuce, "and T will have to be the tomato. That's that done."

"Margaret!" "What is it, Jenny? You shouldn't be interrupting me, you should be listening and learning."

"Isn't there supposed to be bacon in a BLT?"

"I have heard the rumours.

"However, that would create the BBLT.

"I've already had to lose the butter to get to this point as it is, Jenny."

"Next up, G and T, this one's easy. Glass and tonic. That's that done.

"You're getting these there in one day."

My wife has a gin and tonic of an evening.

I'll just take some wine. We have a drinks cabinet.

Many people will have drinks cabinets in their home.

You like to show people, "This is all our drinks."

You look at it on your own and you're like, "I hope people come

"round and see all the drinks I've collected through my life."

And there are drinks in there that you know you will never ever drink until you die.

But you just like to have them there, cos it looks a bit like a bar.

Let's be honest. From this moment till the day I die, I will

never utter the words, "I think I'll have a glass of Cinzano."

But I have it. It's there if I need it.

Wine's a weird one because everyone pretends to be experts in wine.

We've all got this sort of... We all just take part in this weird lie, that we're all connoisseurs in wine.

A lot of people drink and like wine, but let's be honest,

at least 90% of us are not experts in the field of wine.

When we go out to restaurants, we all play this sort of bullshit production that we know about wine.

Nobody at the table knows anything about wine.

The waiter himself, he knows nothing about wine.

We know red colour and white colour. That's all you know.

But you all pretend you know a great deal more. "Would you like to see the wine list?"

He might as well be saying, "Would you like the book of gibberish?"

"Yes, I would."

Let me pretend I'm looking at that.

Ignore all the words and focus entirely on the prices. Let's see that.

It's all part of the bullshit production.

Then they come and show you the bottle.

You have to stop your conversation to stare at a bottle of wine.

But you go along with it because it's all part of it.

It's the only part of the meal you need to witness that it's coming from the right source.

It's not like you order a hamburger and they come up with a photo of a cow. "This is a cow.

"This is the kind of thing. Are you happy with this?" "Yes, that's exactly the kind of thing

"I meant when I ordered a hamburger."

Then they open it in front of you. You have to witness the opening of the wine. Complete nonsense.

It's not like you have the steak and they come out and go,

"I'm just flipping those over now, all right, just that part of it.

"So you can see what's going on."

Then comes the big, the key part.

The pouring of the wine. Who will try the wine?

Who will take the lead role in this bullshit production?

Nobody wants to do it. "You do it. I don't want to do it."

Normally someone will give you up. "You do it." "OK, OK. I will try the wine."

It's almost as if time stands still.

Pour a little bit, everyone's staring at you.

The waiter is waiting for your verdict.

"Yes.

"That's wine.

"That is wine. I've had wine before.

"This is exactly what it tastes like.

"It looks like Ribena, but I confirm it isn't Ribena, it's wine. Everyone should have some of this."

I always thought you were tasting it to see if you liked it. I thought it was like a taste test.

Apparently you're tasting it to see if it's corked, which means it's off.

They're asking you to determine whether it's off, and if it's off, they'll bring you another bottle.

I'm paying for it, why don't you ascertain in your own time

whether it's off or not, and if it is, don't serve it to me.

It's not like you ordered a coffee and they come up with the milk, going, "It smells funny.

"Will you try it for me?"

Cheesy!

But you go along with it, cos it's restaurant.

You just go along with things in restaurants,

cos you think it's the way you have to behave in restaurants. You sit in this most expensive restaurant...

"Would you like some bread for the table? Some water for the table?"

The table's having a better night than I am at this rate.

And who actually wants bread and water before your meal?

I could get this in an orphanage. I'm paying a lot of money to be here.

But you go along with it, cos you're in a restaurant.

You order your main course. "Would you like some side orders?"

No, just give me food on a plate!

I don't need satellites of food surrounding my food.

Is it to make you feel like you're eating less?

"Yes, I would like some side orders. "In fact, I'd like some potato dauphinoise behind me.

"Put them behind me.

"I want carrots in a drawer under the table.

"Cream of spinach behind the cistern in the loo. No-one will ever know."

But you go along with it cos you're in a restaurant. Coffee as well. At the end of a meal, even at dinner.

at night, you're about to go to bed.

Can I get anyone a coffee?

If my wife said to me at home, at 11.30 at night, after dinner, "Do you want a coffee?"

I'd go, "Have you lost your mind? Why would I want a coffee?

"You're talking about the drink that we get ourselves out of bed in the morning with?

"The high-caffeine drink to get you going in the day?

"You want to have that now before bed? Is this some kind of an experiment, you nutter?"

In a restaurant, "Yes, I think I'll have a latte. "What would you like?"

"An espresso for me. Just an espresso.

"Two o'clock in the morning.

"Why did I order that?

"I can't sleep. Can you sleep?" "Of course I can't sleep. I had an espresso...and coffee cake."

"I might just go to work now and wait there."

"But it's Friday!" "I don't care!"

You go along with it cos you're in a restaurant.

But it doesn't matter what you order, ladies and gentlemen,

the mainstay of any meal will be salt and pepper.

Salt and pepper are so phenomenally successful in the herb and spice arena.

They arrogantly sit on the table,

knowing that whatever you want to prepare you will require one of us.

Either myself, or my dear friend Pep. "Isn't that right?" "Right you are, Salty."

"You've been keeping busy?" "Ah, breakfast this morning, I was all over that."

But there are other herbs and spices. Oregano, thyme, rosemary, cumin, paprika.

They're all lined up in the cupboard, waiting.

Sometimes the cupboard door opens, they see salt and pepper on the table.

"Look at them, the bastards.

"What've they got? What've they got that we don't have?

"I just don't get it." "I don't get it either." "Neither do I."

"I can't even see them from here.

"What do they look like?"

"You ever been out of the cupboard, Cumin?"

"Once, I think, for Bolognese.

"They said it was an experiment.

"That was in 1992. I don't think it worked.

"But I remain hopeful."

"What about you, Sage? You ever been out of the cupboard?"

"I actually used to live with them at their old house.

"And then they moved me here and put me back in this cupboard. No."

"What about you, Paprika?"

"I fell out once.

They just put me back in the wrong way round.

"Seven years I was like this.

"Every day I pray. I pray for it to be goulash day.

"But it is never goulash day.

"I still got the plastic on my head. Why did they buy me?

"I don't understand it."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"What about you? Who are you on the end?"

"My name is Five-spice."

"Have you ever been out of the cupboard, Five-spice?"

"I am not one spice. I am five-spice.

"I am five times as good as all of you!"

"Yes, but have you ever been out of the cupboard?" "I have been used in recipes for thousands of years."

"But have you ever been out of this cupboard?" "No."

"Excuse me. Sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt all this nonsense.

"Tired of listening to all your whining, cos the fact is I have been

"in this cupboard for longer than all of you put together."

"Sorry, who are you?" "John West Tuna. Nice to meet you."

"This is my wife, Tinned Salmon."

I'll tell you my big news. My big news is that I've moved. I've moved.

I've moved very locally to here. It's always exciting moving.

I got a mortgage for the first time. I filled it out.

They said, "Make sure you don't leave anything blank in the application cos it could delay it."

And it said, "Occupation", so I put "Comedian".

Then it said, "Position".

I went for "Stand-up". I thought that was the closest.

It's exciting moving in all your stuff.

And where to move? Always London for me.

And it is safe for me to say this now, cos we're in London.

I belong to London. Everyone lives here cos, you know, it's a good place to live.

A lot of people keep going flirting with the country.

"Oh, I love it in the country. "Oh, I can't wait to get out of London.

"You know, it's just amazing.

"You know, you can just see for miles. Just for miles and miles.

"You can see for miles and it's so quiet, you can't hear anything."

That's cos nobody wants to live there.

I live in a place filled with people. I can't hear a thing.

"I can see for miles and everyone says hello to you."

"That's cos there's three people living in your village.

"In London everyone's so rude. No-one says hello to you."

"That's cos it's physically impossible."

You can't get on the tube and go, "Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello."

A clue as to how shit it is in the country is how quickly people tell you they can get back to London.

"I'm just so happy here. I can be in London in 42 minutes.

"42 minutes I can be in London. The other day I did it in 39 minutes!"

I wake up in the morning, "I'm in London! Zero minutes."

The most important thing when I was moving was to get internet and TV.

That's right. These are the most important things in my life.

Furniture, I can wait.

I can't not have the internet and proper TV on day one of the move.

Google is the starting point to everything. Google.

Although I do find Google quite patronising when it goes, "Did you mean... "

"I know what I meant, Google."

My computer broke, actually, quite recently.

I took it to the computer-fixing shop. There was a queue of people.

There was a person in front of me, a person behind me.

You've probably seen queues,

they're much like this. The person in front of me says,

"Excuse me, mate, I'm looking for a lead that goes from my laptop to the TV.

"I think it's a male to male lead?"

And the bloke behind me just went, "Gay."

He heard the words "male to male"

and his brain just went, "That's gay. That lead is gay."

Laptop to TV? That's not natural.

It's in the Bible.

Sky TV, essential. Phoned them up, "I need it on day one.

"What time you coming around?" "We can't specify a time, sir.

We can only specify between 8 and 12 in the morning and 12 and 5 in the afternoon."

"I can't wait all day for you. I've got a lot going on, I'm moving.

"Can you be more specific?" "I'm sorry, sir, we can't specify a time.

We can only specify between 8 and 12 in the morning and 12 and 5 in the afternoon."

I said, "Surely you can call me on your way here, then I can make sure I'm in."

"I'm sorry, sir, we simply cannot specify a time.

"We can only specify between 8 and 12 in the morning and 12 and 5 in the afternoon."

"OK, I'll go for 8 and 12 in the morning." "OK. Can I take your credit-card details?"

"Yes. The first digit is between one and seven. How about that?"

"Can I do that?"

APPLAUSE

"I can't specify a number."

Three o'clock in the afternoon, no Sky.

Couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe it.

"What time is it, darling? What time is it?" "It's three o'clock."

Is that between 8 and 12 in the morning? It isn't.

I'm phoning them.

"Where are you?" Then the doorbell went. Always typical, isn't it?

Soon as you start phoning, the doorbell goes. And I was angry, OK.

That's my excuse. I was angry because they were late and that's why I was rude to this man.

I opened the door and I said, "I've been waiting for you.

"I want it in the living room and I want it in the bedroom. Get started."

As I turned, the doorbell went again.

I was like, "Sorry, who are you?"

"I'm from Sky."

"Then who are you?"

This poor man was standing there, trembling.

"I'm from number 40, I came to introduce myself."

Not the best start to the neighbourhood. The only things I've said to this man are,

"I've been waiting for you. I want it in the living room, and I want it in the bedroom."

What confused me and will confuse me till the day I die, is why he then walked into my house.

I don't know who's more scared of who now.

It's good to be going home, obviously, cos I'm going home tonight,

cos I can't sleep on the road. Find it very difficult in hotels.

I need my wife there, yeah. I need her in bed. You need to be...

You know, that's where I'm most relaxed.

She'll go to sleep before me.

I will cuddle in. Arm goes over.

Her legs will be like that. I'll slot mine in nicely behind.

And I would sleep like this if it wasn't for this arm here.

After a while you just give up and roll away to sleep.

And then you're apart. You're apart for the night.

You wake up in the morning. First words of the day, you have to review the night's sleep, very important.

To catch up on what you've missed.

"Morning, darling. How did you sleep?"

This leads to what is undoubtedly the most boring conversation of the entire day.

It baffles me we can even find stuff to put in it.

But it can sometimes be a lengthy conversation of extraordinary dullness.

"Morning, darling, how did you sleep?" "I was very thirsty in the night.

"I was very thirsty."

"I was thirsty, too. God, I was thirsty."

"I think it was the pizza." "You're right.

"It was a very salty pizza.

"A tremendously salty pizza."

"I had to get up. I had to get up for water."

"I was too lazy to get up. I wanted to.

"If I'd have known that you got up I would have had some of your water.

"But I didn't know that you got up. And I was so hot as well."

"You were hot? I was quite chilly. I was actually quite chilly."

"Oh, I was really hot.

"I was so hot I had to sleep with one leg out of the covers like that."

"I saw you when I went to get water. I saw you with one leg out of the covers

"and I remember thinking, 'He can't be hot.'

"Can you really be hot?" "Yes.

"I was very hot and I couldn't get to sleep for hours." "You shouldn't have had

"that coffee. I told you not to when we were in the restaurant. That's stupid."

"I thought it was the right thing to do."

There'll be dreams to update as well.

She'll say, "I had this really weird dream."

And then she goes on to tell me about it. I can't help you with that. "I had this really weird dream.

"We were in this house, yeah? In this house, yeah?

"Yeah? In this house, yeah?

"It was our house. It was our house!

"But it wasn't OUR house.

"You were there.

"YOU were actually there. YOU were there.

"But it wasn't you. It wasn't you."

Nightmares happen on occasion. I think for all people in relationships,

once in a while you have this dream - that your partner cheated on you.

They have betrayed you in your sleep.

It's a horrible nightmare of deceit. And you are filled with hate.

And you wake up in the morning and you're so relieved.

"It was just a dream. That didn't really happen."

But the hate is still strong within you.

I look over at her and I can see she's just sleeping there soundly, she did nothing.

Done nothing to hurt me, just been sleeping sweetly. Nothing to hurt me. But I'm staring at her.

GRUNTS AND GROWLS

INHALES DEEPLY AND GROANS

"Slut."

"What?

"Sorry, Michael? Morning. What did you say?"

"I said that you're a slut and a whore. How could you do it?

"With my geography teacher from school?!"

Sometimes it's you. Sometimes you've had a dream where you've had an affair with somebody really weird.

Somebody from work or something.

And you feel quite guilty.

"Oh, shit."

"Morning, Michael. How did you sleep?"

"Nothing. Nothing."

Breath is an issue in the morning as well. Breath.

Morning breath. What is that about? I don't understand it.

I would understand it if maybe before I went to bed

I had, like, some garlic, some onions, some Red Bull and swirled it around in my face.

Some kind of cocktail.

That's not what happens.

I brush my teeth, flossing, maybe mouthwash...

I go to sleep minty fresh, like most of you.

Seven, eight hours later, she's like, "Morning, Michael."

EXHALES

"Morning, darling."

"Holy shit!"

"Are you all right, Michael?"

"Yes, I'm fine.

"I actually slept really well."

"Did you go out in the night?"

"Why would I go out in the night? I was sleeping here next to you.

"What are you talking about?"

"I actually want you to think about this quite seriously.

"At any stage during the night, do you recall...

"eating shit? Did it happen?"

"Why would I eat shit? What are you talking about?

"That's insane."

"Are you certain? Maybe you... Did you get thirsty and drink from the toilet or...?"

"No." "Perhaps you pissed on your own face.

"Accidents happen."

Sometimes, despite this, you will still have morning sex.

Now, morning sex will ALWAYS involve morning breath.

You just adapt it to keep your heads as far away as possible.

Sometimes you get lost in the moment. "Oh, I really... Argh!"

And she'll tell me. I hate that about a long-term relationship. I could do without the honesty.

She will literally go, "Sorry, I didn't kiss you, Michael, but you stink from your face."

"OK, sorry. I'll brush my teeth, then."

Could do with a little bit less honesty.

Sometimes I'll try and seduce her. "Darling,

"maybe later you'd like to...?"

"You have some bogey just..." "Oh, sorry."

"What was it you wanted, Michael?" "I'm fine, actually. To be honest, I'm fine.

"Let's just leave it, let's forget about it. I'll just sit here."

"Your ball is hanging out a little bit."

"Oh, for God's sake, leave me alone!"

Deep sleep - every once in a while, you have a sleep so deep you'll sleep on your arm.

It's quite fun - you wake up with a dead arm.

It's quite heavy as well - a heavy dead arm.

Darling, my arm is dead. I've a dead arm.

Hellooo!

I don't even know how I did it, but recently I contrived to sleep on both of my arms.

And they were BOTH dead.

I got woken up by the phone ringing. Prrp! Prrp! "I'll get it...

"My arms are completely dead. I can't get the phone!

"Jeez! Can you just get the phone for me, darling, and hold it to my face?"

"How lazy are you?" "My arms are dead, I can't do anything!"

Because I'm away a lot, she says, "I hate it when you're not here, Michael.

"Because I feel safe when you're here."

I'm like, "I don't.

"I might look like Mr Miyagi - I don't have the moves, darling!"

That is a man's biggest fear.

That you'll be sleeping soundly at night and she'll be like, "Michael! Michael!"

"Mah... Wah... Mah..."

"Michael, wake up!"

-EXHALES

-"What? What do you want? I was asleep here."

"Jesus!

"Michael, I think there's somebody in the house. I think somebody's broken into our house.

"I can hear them in the kitchen!"

That is without a shadow of a doubt my biggest fear. In fact, that isn't my biggest fear -

my biggest fear is that that happens and I've slept on both arms. That's my biggest fear.

"Shit. Damn! Darling,

"what do you want me to do?" "I want you to go and find out."

"Find out? Find out what?" "Find out if there's someone downstairs!"

"Darling, remember the other day when the phone was ringing?

"I've got no arms, I've slept on both of my arms."

"Don't lie to me. Go and protect this household."

"You'll have to go. You're in a much better position than I am."

"How could you do this?! What about the children?"

"Good idea. Send one of them.

"Give the little one the Wii and tell the other one there's ice cream."

"You must go and save us." "All right, I'll go!

"Shit!

"Hey, you! You, in the kitchen - get out of my house!

"Don't make me come over there!

"Darling, I've got no arms - what do you want me to do?"

"se the breath!"

-EXHALES

-Thank you very much for listening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

-Good night. Thank you!

-CHEERING

-Thank you, Wembley!

-CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Thanks very much.

Thank you! Good night!

CHEERING CONTINUES

That is very rude.

That's very rude. Now, you know...

No, no, I'm sorry. You know...

No, I do this for a living, and this is the end of my work day.

No, it's not fair. When you're at work and you pop your coat on and go,

"Look, I'll see you guys tomorrow," the office doesn't go, "More!

"Go out!

"Then come back, do one photocopy, then go home." Yeah...(!)

I've been a bit, er...

I'm not going to lie to you, been a bit stressed, this is quite a big gig, and, er,

I've been building up to it for a few weeks and I was a bit stressed.

A few weeks ago, I was in this hotel. I said to my wife,

"I'm a bit stressed." "What are you stressed about?"

"A lot of people are coming to see me. They might not like me and it'll be really scary.

"And they will kill me, I'm outnumbered hugely."

She said, "Well, why don't you go down and have a massage in the hotel?" Never even occurred to me!

She said, "It's very relaxing, very beneficial." I phoned the spa.

"My wife says maybe I need some kind of massage, because I'm quite stressed."

"Oh, yes, you called the right place. Just pop on your dressing gown and your slippers,

"and make your way down to the spa in the basement." Now, if I was stressed beforehand,

I was certainly stressed after I had got lost and wandered into a conference in my dressing gown.

"A bloke sleepwalking! What a dickhead!"

I finally made it down to the spa, where they're very relaxed.

You know, there's always aromatherapy oils...

They can barely speak, they're so relaxed. "Hello, sir, can I help you?"

"Yes, I just spoke to you earlier." Because I get even more posh when I'm stressed.

"I spoke to you earlier. M-m-my wife suggested a massage. What do you recommend...?

"I think the best thing to do if you're really feeling stressed is a full-body massage."

So they take me to this little room where they have candles the sounds of waves crashing against the shore.

Aromatherapy scents filling the air.

You put your head in this sort of thing... That's not the relaxing bit.

No-one's ever had a tough day at work and come home and got a tennis racquet and gone...

"That's a lot better, I feel REALLY relaxed now."

So you're lying there, head in this thing, dribbling a bit...

And then what happens is a strange woman rubs oil into your body for an hour.

Now, due to evolution, there are various natural reactions to this.

And fighting those natural urges for an hour is without a shadow of a doubt

the least relaxing moments of my entire life.

Bear in mind, I went there to de-stress. It starts off OK.

She massages your sort of back and your shoulders, then she goes down

your arm and does your hands and it's sort of OK.

Then she goes to your leg,

glides her hands up your leg and DANGEROUSLY CLOSE to your balls, and then back.

If this is one's ball, this is the kind of distance we're talking about.

Almost like she's filed her fingernails beforehand.

And you're lying there going, "Ah...

"Agh!

"Agh!" "If you'd like to turn over for me, Mr McIntyre...?"

"You'll need to give me a couple of minutes at least, OK?"

They basically massage every part of your body except for the key area.

I've never been MORE stressed in my life! I could barely walk at the end of it.

HE MUTTERS

"Hi, darling, how was that?"

"Toss me off!"

"Don't believe it's your birthday until next month - how very rude!"

So she takes the piss out of me, she says, "Oh, you obviously can't handle it.

"You can't handle it to get the benefits of massage."

I said, "I can, but they're really close to your balls and it's really difficult."

She said, "Well, why don't you have a head, neck and shoulder massage?" I thought, "OK."

So I tried that, right? I thought I'd be all right, you know? That deals with this sort of area.

No-one's come up to me and gone, "Hi, Michael," and I've gone, "Mmm..." I'm OK.

Same sort of setup, you know, candles are burning,

my head's in the thing, aromatherapy oils filling the atmosphere,

the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. She massages my neck and my shoulders.

I'm feeling the benefits of massage. Then she goes down my arm and starts doing my hands.

I'm like, "No, she's made a mistake. She thinks this is a full-body massage.

"She's going to go to my legs in a minute. I can't cope with that.

"I can't cope with that, I know I can't cope with that!"

So I just innocently enquired, "I'm sorry, I thought you did head..." I didn't realise how that would sound.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

Thank you very much, Wembley! Thank you!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, Wembley!

Whoo-hoo!

Thank you!

Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Go home.

-Safe journey! Thank you, Wembley!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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