Dara O Briain This Is The Show

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, hello,

hello, hello, hello, how are you? Good to have you here, folks.

Welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo. Are you in good form?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Very good. This is our big show tonight.

This is our big set, which was supposed to look like

the Hollywood Bowl, but, in fact, looks like the opening titles to Rainbow.

That didn't work out quite as we planned it,

cos that makes me look like Bungle.

So, listen, it is a pleasure and a delight to be here.

This is the show, there will be some messing around, some stories,

some chat, there will be chat, there will be chat.

Don't fear the chat. Some comics are really rude and mean

and they go, "Look at you." And they're pick on you. I don't do

that shit cos, you know. Well, A, because I'm not that kind of comic.

And, B, you know, you have to be nice, you have to be nice.

Comedy generally, these days, has to be nice. It didn't always have

to be nice, but then Frankie Boyle and Jonathan Ross fucked it up.

However, what did I want to talk to you about?

I, during the year, had an unusual experience

because I ended up at a student party, right, one night.

-And I've not been to a stu...

-Woo!

-I know, yeah, tragic, isn't it?

I've not been to a student party in a decade, right,

but I did a gig in Cambridge and some lad came up to me

and said, "Will you come back to the house? We're having a meeting

"of the Cambridge Whisky Drinking Association." And I went,

"Oh, that sounds fancy." And he goes, "No, it's not."

And all it was is this group of lads

and they all pitch in four quid each and buy a bottle

of single malt whisky, right. Really student, but lovely guys,

real comedy nerds. And I went back and was chatting to the lads.

And during the conversation, I note there were three girls there.

All first year in college, about 18, 19 years old.

And I'm chatting to the three girls about college life and this and that.

And then, I made an observation I hadn't actually formally made,

which was that nothing was passing between me and the girls.

There was no electricity, no vibe, no chemistry, no potential.

Nothing was passing. The three women were looking at me

in a kind of a, "This is very nice. I wonder who he's here to collect."

However, I...

Now, that's shattering, but I know it had to happen. Honestly, nothing,

blank, it was as if I'd forgotten to turn on the Bluetooth in me cock.

Nothing was coming off the girls.

I wasn't looking for it, I'm married with a kid,

I wasn't hunting it down, but nonetheless it's slightly

disappointing, you know. They weren't even registering

a sexual device in the room. Nothing was coming off them, right.

Similarly, a few weeks later, I went to a doctor's appointment

and I was checking with the doctor about stuff

and I said, "Will you do an MOT on me?

"I'm in my late 30s now, let's see how I'm doing."

So, your man does a big test on me, runs a load of things,

and then comes back with a big, serious face on him.

I said, "What's wrong?" And he goes, "Well, your cholesterol."

He says, "Your cholesterol is very high." Right.

And my cholesterol was ludicrous,

pick a number and double it type high, right.

But I didn't know what it meant and I went,

"What does it mean? What does it mean?"

I went, "Does that mean I've got butter for blood?

"That's what it means. I've got butter for blood, doesn't it?"

And your man looked at me and goes, "Not quite." I said, "Not quite?

"That was chosen as a ridiculous example.

"I expected you to say no.

"That wasn't the opening negotiation." And he sits there.

"What does not quite butter? What? Spreadable, margarine?

"What have I got in my veins at the moment?"

And your man looks at me and goes, "I can't believe..."

And I said, "What? It's not butter?"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

He goes, "No, I can't believe you're not dead yet.

"I've had a look at the figures, you should be dead now.

"Stop going on about butter. You've mentioned butter nine times.

"And every time you do your eyes light up and you start to salivate.

"That could be the problem, right there."

Firstly, this is an important thing, the 19-year-old girls,

by the way, that... If you've ever had a conversation that

involved the word cholesterol, you don't get to wonder why

the 19-year-old girls don't seem to be in any way interested in you.

That's a good rule for life, lads, you know,

if you're ha... Let's just put it this way, if you're using

a special margarine, boys, no more 19-year-olds for you, right.

Here's a rhyme next time you open the fridge,

"If your Flora is blue, no 19-year-olds for you." Right.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

But the other issue I went was,

I said, "What am I going to do?" And he says "Well, I'm afraid

"there are two things you can do. Plan A is a drug called statins."

Now, we'd have all heard of statins by the time we die.

One of those drugs like Disprin that we'd have heard about.

It's like, "Oh, my God, the statins this, statins that."

We'll have all heard of statins. But your man goes,

"You take these drugs and you take them every day until you die."

And I went, "No fucking way, man. No fucking way. I'm a young man,

"I'm not eating myself into the situation

"where I need drugs for life.

"What's plan B?" And he said, "A harsh regime of exercise."

And I said, "Let us urgently reconsider plan A.

"And, in fact, I'm angry at the way you hid plan B behind plan A.

"knowing full well I would reject plan A out-of-hand

"and then you'd spring me with the genuinely prickish plan B."

No-one wants to do the exercise, no-one wants to be back in the gym

on the machines that do this or do this or do something.

While some prick from the gym in a little blue t-shirt with the logo

sewn onto it goes, "Are you having a good workout?" And you go...

HE GASPS

And he goes, "Are you having a balanced workout?"

And you go, "Well, I haven't fallen off the machine yet."

I think that's as much balance as I intended to achieve

over the course of this workout. What do you mean balance?

They love this bullshit in the health industry. "Oh, you've

"got to have a balanced workout. There are three types of fitness."

There aren't three types of fitness. It's only a type of fitness if you

can't bluff it. There are two types of fitness. One. Strength for

the lifting of heavy things and stamina for the holding of heavy things

when the place you're going to put the heavy thing isn't quite ready

for the heavy thing, so you've got to go and put the heavy thing back.

The third one. Suppleness, flexibility.

Ask my arse.

Can you touch your toes? Yes, I can touch my toes, I've got knees.

Remarkably easy to touch your toes.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

I have semi-collapsible limbs that makes the job almost facile

when it comes to touching my toes.

Look, there's one set, there's the other. Job done, right.

Nonetheless, I had to pick an exercise which is a chore, right.

And I went through all the different options and I eventually fixed on

cycling. I thought, "This'll be the one I'll do. I'll go cycling."

And I could... This is kind of because when I was 15, in Ireland,

we had this guy called Stephen Roche who won the Tour de France.

And as a teenage boy, I went, "Oh, wow." And he was a hero to me

and I always wanted that bike. That skinny bike with

the drop handlebars, and here we go, right. So, finally I can do this.

Does anyone here ride a bike?

SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yes.

OK, maybe I'll broaden that out a bit, does anyone here own a bike?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

In fact, no, let me narrow it down now. Is there anyone here married to

or living with somebody who spent a lot of money on that bike and

that hasn't been out of the garage in at least a year at this stage?

Yes, there's a few. You're my people.

You're my people, right there. Did he buy the shorts as well?

I bet he bought the shorts too, didn't he?

And walked around the house going, "Look at that, Mary, isn't that

"fantastic, look at that! Look at the way it lifts, lifts and holds.

"Mary, you're a lucky woman. I've still got it."

You always buy the shorts and you go out,

you think you're an athlete. I went out the first day on

the bike, out to Richmond Park. Cycling around the park. And then

I got thirsty, you know, when you get thirsty as a punter, you drink.

But, when you're an athlete, in other words, you've got the bike

and the shorts, you rehydrate.

So, I'm on the bike, I put my hands on the handlebar,

I reach into the frame of the bike, pull the bottle out and,

while cycling, pump it, pump it. To push the fluids into my system fast.

Then I released,

forgetting to disengage the bottle from the corner of my mouth.

So, when I did this it popped out creating a vacuum

which instantly sucked the fluid back up my throat, out of my mouth,

into the bottle again.

I effectively rinsed myself out.

When I took the bottle away it was as heavy as it had been

when I initially introduced it into the situation.

But I didn't fall. I wobbled, I wobbled ferociously.

I was all over the road but I didn't fall. You don't fall

when you're at speed. You fall when you're static.

You fall when you're in traffic.

You fall when you're at the lights. You fall when there are others

around to see you fall. That's when you fall off

a menopausily-purchased, expensive bike

that you don't really know how to use.

And you fall slowly.

Cos if you're at speed you can go to here, down to here

and the momentum will carry you around. But if you're static,

if you go to here, that's enough for gravity to go,

"I'm having you."

And you go down slowly. Enough time for people to go,

"Oop, timber, you're going down, he's going down. Hey, driver,

"look at this, this is hilarious. Hey, Mary,

"come here, come here. No, park the car, you've loads of time, come on."

The most important thing to do when you're falling off a bike

is make the face. Make the face. This is vital. This is the face.

Duh. That's the face. Duh. That's the vi... If you look, duh,

people have a reflex, they have to go "duh" back at you. And you're

going "duh", they're going "duh", and you're, "No, I'm falling."

They go, "No, I'm falling myself. Happens to the best of us."

That makes it OK. But if you go "duh", people look at you

and they go "duh" as well, "Oh, well, you know." And in their head

it goes wah-wah-wah, and that makes it all OK.

You could try to stop yourself falling, but that's impossible.

Because the man who sold you the bike and the shorts,

also sold you the shoes.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

The special, magical cycling shoes that clip onto the pedals for

the official, efficient transferral of energy from thighs to bike.

But you can't get them off the pedals because you keep

forgetting the 30 degree, Fred Astaire, unclippy angle

that you have to do. And you're falling off a bike,

you can't remember that because half your brain's going,

"Oh, Jesus, you're falling, you're falling."

And the other half is going, "Make the face, make the face."

So, you kick, you kick furiously, but you're strapped to the pedals.

So, the energy goes down one pedal and then up the other pedal.

Now, you're shaking, you're making the face, you're making the face.

But people are looking at you going, "Jeez, he's having a fit."

You're shaking all over the place.

And they're going, "Who gave the epileptic a bike?"

"It must have been the traffic lights that set him off."

And, Mammy, it hurts. It hurts when you hit the ground.

I've had back injuries. How many people here have ever had back pain?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.

-The majority of you. It's a chore

cos you don't know what to do with it, what do they do,

"Ow, I can't handle this."

It's a fucking nightmare having back pain. I was whining about one

back injury for a while to a mate of mine, for so long he eventual went,

"Jesus, there's a chiropractor near me, go get yourself checked out."

I said, "Is he good?" He said, "I don't know, you go check yourself out."

And, well, I'm here with my review. It's voodoo, that's

my review of chiroprac-ty. It's voodoo with percussion built in.

They lie you down and they do clickety-pop, click, click pop.

Clickity poppety click pop, click pop, pop, on your back.

Then the guy stood me up, stood me in the room looking away.

He went behind me,

reached over my shoulders, grabbed my head

and went crack.

So, you're there going, "I wonder what's happening...

"Fucking hell!"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I wasn't expecting that. No doctor does that.

I've never seen any trained medical professional do that.

I've seen Jason Bourne do it.

I've seen Bruce Willis do it in a Die Hard movie. I've never

seen a Die Hard movie where he's sneaked up behind somebody and gone

CRACK. And they've gone, "Oh, Jesus, that's fantastic, thanks very much.

"Oh, God, you've really loosened that up.

"I'd a knot of tension there for years, that's all gone now.

"Oh, that was the only reason I got into terrorism.

"was the dull nagging pain in my neck,

"Thank you, John McClane, for releasing me from that".

And my fears were confirmed by a mate of mine, Simon Singh.

Who wrote an article for the Guardian a couple of years ago,

pointing out that some chiropractors claim to cure infant colic.

And asthma and ear infections in young children, right.

And he said, "There's no evidence for this. This is bogus."

And the entire organisation of chiropractors sued him for libel.

The case dragged on for two years, cost hundreds of thousands of pounds

and they, eventually, backed down because they had no case.

And it was a waste of time and ludicrous, kind of, nonsense thing

to do, right. And a lot of people got very angry because

of the medical implications or because of the legal implications.

Me. My reaction was much more of a gut feeling of,

"What manner of eejit brings an infant to a chiropractor?"

Have you ever met an infant and gone, "How are you feeling?"

And the kid's gone, "I'm fucking knotted, stop it, jeez.

"I'm in bits. I got out of the cot this morning. Twang. I can't move."

Or, "Stop it, I bent over to pick up a Peppa Pig,

"I couldn't get down, I couldn't get down, couldn't get down, get down."

"Oh, sure, I'm a martyr to me back, a martyr,

"I've got play group in an hour,

"I don't know how the fuck I'm going to get through that."

Where were we, ladies and gentlemen?

Oh, yes, the 19-year-old girls. That's what I was talking about.

No, no, no, here's a different situation and a situation

that's very common in my life. Where I now find myself often

in the company of women. Just me and loads of women.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Please, It's not what you think.

What's wrong with you people with your dirty minds? Right.

No, it's me and mothers, right. And by which I mean mothers, rather

than, you fucking mother. Anyway, so, OK, I'm sorry. I've stumbled

across a lot of people who are into MILFs in a huge way. I'm sorry.

This is important. I spend these days every, you know.

I spend a load of my time, about 11 o'clock in the morning,

where it's me and mother, mother, mother, mother, mother.

At these classes called Drummarama, or Gymalimadingdong, right.

These classes you go to with a toddler in order to

tire the fucker out.

I'm sorry, didn't I mean to increase their coordination

and social skills?

No, tire the fucker out so they'll sleep and you can drink some wine.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And when I go, it is, literally, me as the only grown-up male there

and mother, mother, mother, mother. And they look at you.

Mothers look at you when you're the only man in a crowd of women.

"What are you doing here, in our sacred mothering space,

"with your penis?"

Obviously, implicitly with your penis rather than,

"What do you think you're doing with your penis?

"Put it away, for Christ's sake!

"It's Drumarama, they supply the drum sticks,

"there's no need to take that out."

Collectively, I have to say this, mummies are bitches.

They really are. Oh, I'm sorry. I had a mother walk up to me once

in a swimming lesson and go, "You may not change with your daughter."

I went, "How dare you!

"It's the most natural, normal thing for a father

"and a child to change together. Of course

"I will change my daughter. There's nothing weird about it.

"How dare you even imply that there's something wrong with that."

And the woman looked me and went, "It's the woman's changing room."

But I went up to her

and went, "Who are you to place such structures on a child's mind?

"Why don't you and the other mummies just go back to the showers

"and I'll just sit here and finish my cigar."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

So, I don't go to swimming lessons any more. No.

I now go to soft play areas, which are these arenas

which are specially built and all padded so the kids can run

into things and not hurt themselves.

And then they run into each other.

And you're outside with some stranger parent

and you have to do this real, "Ooh, are they OK?

"Are they grand? Are they fine? Are they all right?

"Ooh, are they all right? Ooh, bit of rough and tumble,

"doesn't do them any harm in the long run. A few tears now, it'll be fine,

"It'll be grand. It'll be fine, it'll be grand."

That's what you say. But, on the inside, you're going, "Boom!

"My kid poned your kid."

You turn into Don King of the bouncy castle.

"Get that loser out of here. Who's next with my child?"

I either go there or pet shops,

which are, of course, a free zoo.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And people who work in pet shops know this.

And they look at you going, "You're not going to buy a thing are you?"

When you walk in. You go, "No, I'm not buying a thing, ha-ha-ha-ha.

"Look at the fish, come on. Look at the fish, come on,

"for half an hour, because Daddy's hung over to fuck. So, you look

"at the fish for a while. While I rest my head in a terrarium."

HE SNORES

Now, I'm aware that it is actually slightly risky for a comedian

to talk about these kind of topics.

These are the ones that can alienate people. Cos there are

a lot of people of a certain age who don't have kids, don't want to hear

about this, right. It can look mawkish or sentimental and that's

not what I'm trying to achieve. Particularly, say, well,

let's go very, very, very young. You, you, you, you two, there.

What age are you two?

14, and you? You're 14 as well, OK, grand.

Right, now, you are perfect for these kind of things.

You're teenage boys. 14-year-olds don't want to hear

something about... I'm sorry, am I interrupting

your recording illegally of my show? Err...

I'm loving the brazenness of it.

Like, we have nine cameras, but you thought,

"No, the phone will capture the moment better than any possible

"major production thing that we have." No, go for it!

No, go for it. You can run it as an extra, your view.

-What's your name?

-Johnny.

-Johnny, is it Johnny?

Yeah, Johnny. As an extra,

Johnny's view of the show, which is like that.

Constantly, every time I look over you go down.

Johnny, I'm going to use you as ambassadors for

young men in the audience.

You don't want to hear stuff about babies. I know that you don't.

That's not as rare an instinct as most... As you might imagine.

How many people... This is a test I run every night.

How many people in this room think babies are cute?

SOME AUDIENCE CHEER

OK, how many people in this room think kittens and puppies are cute?

MORE OF THE AUDIENCE CHEERS

Yep. Every night, the kittens and the puppies win.

Really. I've done this show 120 times.

Every night, the kit... There's never even a debate.

The kittens trounce babies.

It's something really fucked up on an evolutionary level.

We find the young of other species to be more appealing

than the young of our own, right.

Not just kittens, not just puppies, lambs.

AUDIENCE: Aaaw.

Ducklings.

Baby crocodiles.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

If you're ever on a plane

and an air hostess went, "I'm afraid you will be sitting next to a baby."

And you automatically go, "Oh, for fuck's sake.

"Oh, no. Oh, come on.

"Oh no, not me. It's my holiday as well. Nooo."

And then she goes, "A baby crocodile."

And you go, "Hooray!"

You'd be feeding it rashers all the way through the flight.

"Come on, Snappy, have a bit of bacon, there you go.

"Oh-ho-ho, you little monkey, get down."

It is just one of those things, you know.

We don't like that much. It's, you know, here's another thing.

I'm not going to be sentimental about it, trust me.

In fact, I'll give this piece of advice. Anyone here who

doesn't have kids, who may have kids in the future. A little tip for you.

A little habit you could break now. Something that...

Trust me, you do this, you will thank me for it in years to come.

It's very, very simple. Stop using the word dirty in a sexual context.

We've all done it. I'm not judging you. We've all thrown the word in

to add a bit of spice to a situation, frisson to a night.

But it will rear up and bite you when you turn to your infant child

and go, "Don't do that, that's dirty. Oooh. You're a dirty girl.

"Look at you now. God, I can't believe I just said that

"to my own child."

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

That is...

The creepiest thing I have ever done in my life.

That is horrible.

It's a word that has a proper meaning. A proper genuine...

Like, naughty is another one as well.

These words and phrases have definite, proper meanings

and when we subvert them for sexual reasons,

we ruin them for when we really need them.

Dirty, naughty and do what Daddy tells you.

So, no, not sentimental.

But I might be slightly nerdy in the next little bit.

Are there any nerds in the room?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

OK, loads of nerds, good stuff. Don't fear us, non-nerds,

we're gentle folk.

I myself, I'm a nerd. I did a degree in science,

a long time ago, right. I still get credit for it in chat shows

or on QI. They go, "Oh, my God, you did a degree in science?"

And I have to go, "Yes, I did, don't ask me any questions."

A decade and a half ago, I can't remember. You can't keep trading

on this stuff forever.

You know this if you've ever played five-a-side football.

If you ever play five-a-side football, there's

always one bloke going, "Well, yeah, I had trials, semi-professionally...

"..when I was 14." And you go "Really?

"Cos you're not 14 now, are you? You fat prick."

"You've kind of bulked out a bit in the last 25 years.

"A 14-year-old you would be useful, we could send him down the wings.

"But you've kind of... Get in the nets and block shit.

"That's all you're good for now."

But it does still, you know, get me angry about things.

For example, the last show I did, I had a ten-minute routine

about homeopathy, and what a crock of shit homeopathy is, right?

I don't have any homeopathy jokes in this year's show cos I feel

if I dilute my homeopathic material it'll become much more powerful.

If you got that, you're a nerd, all right? So... Talking with the guru.

What got me angry this year and in the last couple of years

has been to do with the babies, Because the amount

of quasi-scientific bullshit that's pedalled at new parents,

who don't know any better and are easily frightened is shocking.

About when the child should sleep or cry or eat

or what you should play to it and what you should play with it.

It's a horrendous industry, even before the child is born.

Right, my two young friends. Hello, how are you, right?

I'm going to talk about a thing called an antenatal class.

I'm taking a wild guess here that you don't know what that is?

You've a vague idea?

You've maybe seen the films where there's like pregnant women,

a circle of pregnant women.

And they're breathing. That's an antenatal class.

In this part of the world, the classes are run by a charity

called the National Childbirth Trust,

very commonly known by the abbreviation NCT.

Little note for any comedians in the room, beware abbreviations.

They can mean very different things in different countries.

In Ireland, for example, NCT stands for National Car Test,

the Irish equivalent of the MOT.

I, like a fucking eejit, forgot that, and walked out at the start

of this tour and said, "So, I brought me pregnant wife for an NCT."

And the whole room recoiled in horror,

as if to go, "Why would you do that?

"Why would you walk her into a garage and go,

"'Jesus, the handling has gone on this, she's all over the road.

"'Mind you, the headlamps, the headlamps are better than

"'I've ever seen them. Don't do anything about them.'"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Now, you don't do this course

because of any of the information involved. You can get that

in a load of different sources. You do the course because you'll meet

other new mothers. And it is vital for new mothers having their first baby

to have a network, a support structure of other new mothers also

having their first babies at the same time in the area. So they can

share with them their total lack of aggregate knowledge or experience.

It'd be like the rest of us, having a computer help desk

that we'd ring up and go, "Help, my computer's fucked."

"That sounds terrible." "It is, how are you?" "I'm all right."

"Bye." That's the level of care they can offer each other, right?

The course, by the way, is also run by midwives.

Now, midwives are fabulous people who do wonderful jobs.

But some midwives are surprisingly political.

Some midwives think they're in a turf war

with doctors.

In a, "Don't let the doctors near you," kind of a way.

Cos some midwives seem to have mistaken doctors, in their head,

for Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street.

Actual quote from a midwife, "Don't let the doctors near you,

"with their knives."

Actual quote. As if the process isn't scary enough without

thinking doctors are ready to lash out randomly in dark corridors.

The course is also taught in that tone.

That tone that I can't stand. That,

IN A SOFT VOICE: "OK, we're all here together, we're all just taking

"our first steps on an incredible journey of life."

Urgh.

At one stage she goes, "No surnames, no job titles, what you do

"outside this room isn't important right now. We're all the same here.

"We're just new parents, taking our first peek into a wide, new world.

"Try to ignore the large, bald man off the telly...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"..sitting in the corner of the room,

"openly taking notes for use in a future routine."

It was all I could do to keep sane.

We had... She would do things like she handed out a homeopathy kit,

you know, for labour pains. And it came around to me

and I went, "Oh, ingredients. Water, that'll be handy

"when you're screaming the place down, won't it?

"I imagine all the screaming probably dries your throat out a bit."

And then she gets to some of the genuine signs.

My two young friends here, for example,

there is a hormone in a woman's body called oxytocin.

Oxytocin is a hormone released during love-making.

It is also the hormone that regulates labour, right.

The woman was talking about this and she says, "Oxytocin," she says,

"Oxytocin is best released in a quiet, dimly lit,

"nurturing environment, where there are no loud noises.

"Or sharp sounds."

And you're going, "It's not a fucking badger."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Come on. Come on. Come on. Tlik-tlik-tlik.

Come on. Tlik-tlik-tlik.

She goes further, she says, "The production of oxytocin will halt..."

Will halt! "..if your partner has to answer any difficult questions,

"or make any decisions, or perform any rational thought."

And we're all sitting there going, "Well, that sounds handy, doesn't it?"

If you go into labour in a shopping centre or up a mountain. "Oh, God,

"I've gone into labour." "Pop quiz."

"Oh, fuck, it's stopped, nice work."

Presumably, you can stave off labour using only a Nintendo DS

and a copy of Dr Kawashima's Brain Training regime.

And then she gets to a major issue. Oh, lads, lads, lads, lads,

you'll know nothing about this. I'm going to say something here

that you will never have heard of before in your life.

But, when I say it, watch out for this. When I say something in

about a minute's time, every woman in this room is going to make a noise.

Every one of you will make this noise.

And I'm not proud of the noise I'm about to make you make.

It's not a good noise I'm going to make you do, but there's good stuff

just beyond the noise. There's gold. But there's a noise barrier

and you've got to make the noise to get through that barrier, right.

During the process there is a point

where a decision may have to be made.

I cannot apologise enough.

Between a tear and a cut.

AUDIENCE: Oooh.

There's the noise.

There's the noise I've heard 120 times so far in this tour.

The noise and also the hands.

If it's any comfort to you, there are two 14-year-olds

who haven't a clue what just happened.

Who are sitting in the front row going,

"What? Do they have to cut them out of their jeans? Is that what happens?"

We get to this important point and the woman's discussing it

and in her full-on, "Don't let the doctors near you." When she goes,

"Obviously," she says, "you should choose the natural path."

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Which is a debatable point, right.

But to back up this stance, to back this up, unbelievable,

she goes, "Besides which," she says, "Besides which,

"a tear heals better than a cut."

AUDIENCE: Oh.

I am loving you for that sound.

That's exactly the sound we made at the time of, "Huh? What?

"What? That sounds... What?

"That sounds counterintuitive, at best." I turn to my wife,

who is a surgeon.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Although not allowed to say it.

And said, "Really?" And she goes,

"No, it fucking doesn't."

AUDIENCE CHEERS

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. What does

"she think we've been doing for the last 250 years?" And I said,

"Do you want to correct her in this?" "If I correct her in this,

"I've got to correct her in everything she's said for the last day and a half.

"Let's just get the email addresses and get out of here."

A friend of mine summed it up brilliantly.

A mate of mine had just been through the whole thing

and I was talking with him a few days later. I said to him,

"Oh, my God, she said an incredible thing.

"She said a tear heals better than a cut."

And your man goes, "Oh, yes, ooh, yes.

"That's very well known now.

"In fact, most surgeons these days, for the initial incision...

"..will use a bear."

There's an image to get out of your heads.

This. "Dr Bear, to theatre three. Dr Bear, to theatre three."

Raargh, raargh, raargh.

DARA MAKES WATER NOISES

"What are we doing today? Appendectomy? Stand back."

-RIPPING NOISE

-"Goodbye. Rargh."

AUDIENCE CHEERS

"Oh, Dr Bear, are you going back to the mess now?"

"Yes, maybe my porridge has cooled down by now. Rargh."

There's a question, there's a question, a propos of nothing.

But how, how, how do you cook porridge in one pot on one ring

on one stove? Then dole it out into three separate bowls

and it goes to three different temperatures?

How exactly does that happen?

Somebody explain to me the physics of that situation,

I'm not getting it.

Mummy bear, your porridge is cold, why are you going for a walk?

It's not going to heat up while you're wondering around the woods.

Your child's porridge is the right temperature,

let him eat his breakfast. Just cos Daddy bear, Mr Dr Daddy Bear

is a bit, "Ooh, it burns my mouth." Well, blow on it, you prick.

Blow on it, for Christ's sake, or put milk into it.

That's what we do with hot porridge. We don't go for a walk.

That's why we get all these burglaries all the time.

And another thing, how do they even have a baby bear given that

he won't go into her bed, cos it's too soft?

"Come over here, Mummy bear." "I will not, it's too hard."

"It's not the only thing that's too hard, get over here now."

OK, no, we're off the biology. Young men, we're off the biology.

We're just into the culture now. We're off the ickiness.

If you have a child, this is the thing that everyone says,

"Oh, you're having a child, ooh, you'll have no time, ooh,

"you'll have no time. Oh, God, now, you'll have to give up so much. No time any more."

People say this to you like it's a sacrifice. It's not a sacrifice, right.

We've got too much shit at the moment, too much culture,

too much content, too much stuff to keep across.

I'd a night in not long ago. This may have happened to any of you.

Child asleep, wife out, house to myself, what'll I do?

Well, I'll watch a bit of sport, I've got 14 sports channels,

there's bound to be a match or a tournament

or a game or something I can have a look at.

Wait a minute, I'll watch a movie.

I've got 20 movie channels. Besides which, I'm always buying DVDs.

Let's have a look at the DVDs I've bought and never watched.

A box set of a TV series, I haven't seen the end of this.

What am I doing? There's stuff saved onto the Sky Plus Box.

If there's 200 channels there's bound to be something to watch.

No, I won't watch, I'll play. I've got three consoles

and guitars and wobble boards and all sorts of guns.

No, I won't play, I'll listen to some music.

I'm always buying CDs.

I'll go on to Spotify, all the music in the world.

When I'm online, I'll go to Facebook or Twitter, or read a book.

I'm always buying books, I never keep up with the books.

In the end, I watched the last hour of RoboCop.

When faced with all of the world's culture, I panicked and just fell

into a foetal position and went back to me childhood again.

There's too much stuff. And do you know what's irritating?

Often the same stuff over and over again.

I'm in a battle with the film I Am Legend.

I Am Legend is your typical meh-blockbuster, you know?

You watch it for 90 minutes and then go, "Meh." Right?

But it's sold to us across a million formats.

Sold to us repeatedly. Sold in the cinemas, then on DVD,

then on Blu-ray. Then on the movie channels, then on the terrestrial

channels. Also downloadable for the iPod, the iPhone and the iPad.

You can also download it for the Xbox 360 and the PS3

and on a small disc for the PSP.

You can also get... I was travelling last year, every plane I was on

and every hotel I arrived at, I Am poxy Legend was being pitched at me.

Everywhere for a year, I couldn't get away from the film.

This is the irony. It's a film about the last remaining man on Earth.

And, still, the fucker can't leave me alone for five minutes.

He's got the entire planet to run around and everywhere I go,

"I'm A Legend, here's me dog. I'm A Legend, play with me."

I expect to be stuck in traffic

and for my Sat Nav to go, "Traffic is very heavy at the moment,

"would you like to watch a bit of I Am Legend?" No!

And it's not just blockbusters, stuff we didn't even need.

Ten years ago, mouthwash. Mouthwash is a product we didn't even

need ten years ago. It is currently on sale, from Listerine, it is

currently on sale in supermarkets in this country in six types of mint.

Name a type of mint?

-Softmint.

-Spearmint.

Spearmint didn't make the cut.

Spearmint wasn't one of the mints. Name another type of mint?

-Peppermint.

-Peppermint didn't make the cut either.

Cool mint did, these new bullshit mints. Cool mint, fresh mint,

clear mint. I bought all six and I racked them up

in front of myself, like a taste test.

For the purpose of this show. Trust me, you go any direction

in any permeation, they're all pretty much mint, right.

Then you've a moment of realisation where you go,

"What am I doing? It's a mouthwash.

"You use it immediately after you've brushed your teeth. Everything

"tastes of mint immediately after you've brushed your teeth.

"Fruit, chocolate, chilli, tarmacadam,

"a vagina, they all taste of mint."

Obviously, the keyword is immediately.

I keep a tube by the bed. OK.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Anyway, so you have finally an opportunity to walk away

from all this choice, this tsunami of choice that we have, culturally.

If you've got a kid you can go, "I'm out of the game.

"I've no time to keep up with this, I'm gone."

First thing to go, right,

first major cultural movement I just dropped was new music.

New music, I've gone, I couldn't give a damn about new music.

Fuck you, Zane Lowe. Fuck you and everyone else on Radio One going,

"Yeah, you've got to listen to this twinkety-twing-twing.

"Yeah. Twang, twing, twang." Fuck you, right.

Fuck Pixie, Gaga, Boots, whatever you're called.

Florence and the mechanics, good luck to you, right.

You fight it out amongst yourselves and become classic hits.

I'll hear you eventually, all right?

I spent a quarter of a century, forced to keep up with this stuff.

I'm out of the game, it is like throwing off a heavy coat.

It's always good to be out of music snobbery as well, to go,

"Nah, I'm not part of this."

Music snobbery is the worst kind of snobbery,

"Oh, you like those noises?

"Those sounds in your ear? Do you like them?

"They're the wrong sounds.

"You should like these sounds in your ear." Right.

It forces people who like something a bit mainstream,

like a bit of pop, like a bit of Girls Aloud or Take That

or a bit of ABBA, you know, to have to go,

"Ooh, they're my guilty pleasure."

I hate that phrase, right. It is an insult to top quality pop.

It is also an insult to guilt.

I might be an atheist now, but I did my time with the Catholic Church.

I learnt a lot about guilt and it needed a lot more than,

"Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight,"

to merit the phrase guilty.

You had to have the man after midnight,

then you can talk about guilt.

If you've got a guilty pleasure, let it be something

you genuinely feel guilty about.

You know what my actual guilty pleasure...?

My genuine guilty pleasure is?

I like to use a crowded tube train to touch women.

It feels wrong but it feels right.

That's practically the definition of a guilty pleasure.

It's particularly good if you can make it seem like it's their fault,

"Ah, what are you doing?

"Jeez, buy me dinner next time, honey."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I don't do that, all right.

Don't walk away thinking...

I don't, I don't, I just smell them, all right?

That's OK, isn't it?

They don't own the air.

"What are you doing?" "I'm asthmatic, maybe.

"Come back.

"You smell of warm."

No, new music, gone. Do you know what else went?

Movies. This is the weirdest thing for me.

I used to love movies. My two young friends,

14 and 15, are you still filming?

I'm loving the way you're still filming this.

We've got to get this stuff and stick it on the DVD somewhere.

There may be a point where you're physically removed

from the room. We may need another 14-year-old

to sit there for the retakes. For the guy who couldn't stop pirating.

Even though it was repeatedly pointed out to him,

"Don't pirate." "I can't stop myself, I've got to tape it.

"I'm even blanking out earlier bits I taped.

"It's just a compulsion to see the thing ticking over.

"I'm deleting beloved family memories.

"I've got to have this show on tape."

It's recorded for a DVD!

How could you not...? You can watch it glossy and live

and shiny with your own face in it!

That's how much better the version of DVD...

You're in the one we're selling in the shops!

That's got to be better than the one you're going to record now.

Oh, I love it!

And I know the minute I talk to you, He's got it out again, hasn't he?

He's taken it out again.

I know, I know, it's ridiculous!

Anyway, so please, that was the best bit to record,

and you've chickened out for that bit!

Definitely the bit to have. Anyway, where we were?

No, if your age... Sorry, technical question,

have you seen The Godfather yet?

You have, have you seen Dog Day Afternoon yet? Dog Day Afternoon?

Doesn't ring any bells? Have you seen Taxi Driver yet?

Oh, you've got stuff ahead of you.

You've got such gold ahead of you. Incredible movies

that you have to watch, you're going to love it.

And there's so many of them. 1970s American independent movies,

1990s American independent movies, 1980s French and Continental movies.

Then, of course, you get to 38

and you've seen them. And you're stuck with just a giant, shiny

robot flinging Megan Fox through a Styrofoam wall, right.

And it kind of doesn't measure up really, you know?

You kind of go... And 3D. Ask my arse 3D, right? I'm sorry.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Here's my take on 3D, right. They tried in the '50s,

they tried in the '80s, they're trying in 2010.

Once every 30 years.

It's like tuberculosis.

It flares up once a generation

and you have to zap it with some antibiotics

and get on with your lives. That's what you have to do.

Don't get me wrong, Avatar. Ooh, Avatar, what a premise. Ooh.

It picks up where Titanic left off.

Inasmuch as half the cast are blue.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Anyway, no, here's the movie that sums up movies at the moment for me.

I want you to come with me

cos I guarantee the majority won't have seen this film.

Incredible film, but you won't have seen it.

The film came out last year, it was called 2012, right.

Now, how many of you haven't seen 2012?

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-OK, right, a good number.

2012 is an apocalypse movie. It's an apocalypse end of the...

Like a disaster movie. It was the most insane, over the top,

ludicrously apocalyptic movie.

Entire cities tilted and fell into lava.

It was just ridiculous, you know. Obviously, you didn't see us dying.

That's one of the things about American disaster movies.

You know you're dead somewhere in that movie, but you never see it.

You just see the Hollywood sign and the New York skyline

and they're destroyed. You never actually see us.

I think you could localise them now.

You could put a thing in when the DVD comes out.

You know, when you put a DVD in the first time

and it asks you the language you want, like English, Francais, Suomi.

And you're always tempted to click on Suomi, you know, to see

what "play" is in Suomi. But you're afraid you'll get trapped in

an extras menu in Suomi

and not be able to navigate your way back out again.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

So, you chicken out and you press English.

They could do that, you could say I'm watching it in scroll, scroll, London.

Then you'd forget about it. But an hour and a half later,

there'd just be a scene where a bloke runs in and goes,

"Trafalgar Square, it's fucked." And then runs out again.

By the way, that line I do everywhere. In every town,

I change it for a local landmark. This is the toughest town

to do it in. Cos, for the simple reason, if I go,

"Leicester Square is fucked."

A London crowd will just go, "Yeah, it is really, it really has.

"You know, just let it go down. so terribly, yes."

Anyway, it's a ludicrously, over-the-top disaster movie.

It is hilarious in its over-the-top-edness.

No plot, no plot. Just John Cusack running away from lava

for two and a half hours.

And always just slightly ahead of the lava. "Oh, God, lava.

"Oh, Jesus, lava. Quick, get into the car."

He drove off, the lava sped up.

Then he gets into a plane, the lava accelerates again.

After an hour and a half of this brinksmanship,

you're going, "Jesus John, I'm spotting a pattern here.

"Why don't you hold still for a minute

"and see what the lava does?"

Will it come up to you and go, "Oh, Jesus, he's called our bluff.

"Quick, get back down the hole, we've got nothing, he's gone."

It's the most ludicrous... They destroy everything.

And you're going, "Oh, if you've destroyed everything

"there must be a reason. You must have sat down

"with geologists or cosmologists or meteorologists to come up with

"some justification for the greatest apocalypse that we've ever seen."

No. There's one line in one scene at the start of the movie,

to explain the entire apocalypse.

And it's not even repeated to or alluded to, just one line, right.

I'm now going to do this for you. This is why you have to come

with me a bit cos you won't have seen this. I will make the scene come alive.

It's India, it's a monsoon. A man arrives, clearly in a hurry.

He's wearing a suit, he's got a small bag.

He's rushed to be here. He's a scientist.

He's meeting another scientist. He goes,

"I came as soon as you called." The other guy,

in a white coat, goes, "We've had some incredible results."

At which point, this bloke should have gone, "Well, why didn't

"you email them to me, like we normally do in science these days?

"Why, instead, did you compel me to fly from Washington to India?

"I've been on nine aeroplanes, I've watched I Am Legend 14 times."

But he doesn't say that, he goes, "Oh, my God, what are they?"

And this bloke delivers the greatest line in the history of cinema.

Some of you won't get this immediately, but trust me, I will explain it.

This guy, a physicist, turns to the other physicist

and without any shame or compulsion goes,

"The neutrinos have mutated."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Now.

For the non-nerds here, neutrinos are tiny subatomic,

really, really almost mass-less particles that are released

in nuclear breakdowns, like in the sun, for example.

500 trillion of them pass through your bodies every second.

They can't mutate.

Their structure is fundamental to the structure of the universe.

They can't just change.

He might as well have gone, "The electrons...

"are angry."

Or, "The light from the sun...

"it's gone off."

That's how fucking ludicrous it is, right.

But he doesn't do this, he goes, "The neutrinos have mutated

"and they're heating up the planet."

At which point,

this bloke should have gone, "What the fuck are you saying?

"What sort of shit physicist are you?

"What crappy Calcutta university spat you out with a fucking degree?

"The muta... What the...

"Did you not ask one of the blokes to check your figures?

"He would have given you slap and told you not to get

"some guy to fly from Washington in a monsoon

"with no change of underwear to tell me the fucking...

"You're a fucking eejit." He doesn't deliver this speech.

Instead, he goes, "Oh, my God."

And runs away from lava for two and a half hours.

And it's never mentioned again.

This, the most incredible thing that's ever happened

in the history of science, is never mentioned again.

People don't even know, when they're running away

from the lava. "Aah, why?" They don't even think to ask.

They just run and scream and/or die. Even at the end of the movie,

and I know you're thinking, "End of the movie? Spoiler alert."

I can't spoil it.

They're on a boat, there's a new dawn, they've all survived.

Everybody in the cinema got up and walked out.

I was the only eejit in a Curzon in Leicester Square,

with my arm up going, "Er, what happened to the fucking neutrinos?"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

A week ago they had mutated and were heating up the planet,

how does that change all of a sudden?

That was the most amazing thing to have happened in physics,

did it happen twice in eight days?

They said, "Sorry about last week, boss was giving me

"a bit of grief at work, wife was nagging me, I lashed out, mutated,

"heated up your planet, won't happen again. Yours, the neutrinos."

How exactly did that threat go away?

And then you're going, if you're just going to make shit up,

if you're just going to suspend all logic then go for it.

Jesus, go for it, right.

If you're just going to go wild then go wild. With the tiniest of changes,

you could have a genuinely amazing movie. Same opening scene.

Rain, man, suit, bag. "I came as soon as you called." Other guy goes,

"We've had some incredible results." This guy goes, "What are they?"

If at that stage, with the tiniest of changes, this bloke had just gone,

"The Latinos...have mutated

"and they're heating up the planet."

Now, there's a movie.

Two and a half hours of running away from Gloria Estefan.

Ch-ch-cha.

"Oh, no, the rhythm is gonna get me."

Quick.

AUDIENCE CHEER

"Quick, get into the car." Vroom. "Who's that in the rear view mirror?

"It's Ricky Martin"

# Bam-bam ba-da-da-da da-da Ra-da da da-da. #

All over the world Mariachi vans erupting out of the Earth's core.

# La cucaracha, la cucaracha Bam-bam da-da-da-dum. #

And the ending.

The ending would be the greatest ending in the history of cinema.

They're on the boat, it's a new dawn.

They've survived the Latino apocalypse of 2012.

John Cusack looks at his wife with love in his eyes

and she looks at him with love in her eyes.

Then, mounting horror as she raises up her arms

and she realises she's got giant, multicoloured, ruffled sleeves on.

And a set of maracas in her hands. And she just goes,

"Tequila!"

And John Cusack goes, "Nooooo." The end.

Now, that's a fucking movie I'd pay money to watch.

But they don't make them like that any more.

In case you think I'm just being overly negative,

I'm dropping music, I'm dropping movies. There is an art form I'm keeping.

There is an entertainment industry

I am supporting. And I'm going to say this,

half of the people who will shout out in response,

and half the people who don't who'll be like a bit,

"Oh, for God's sake, Dara." This is the industry.

Video games.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-Hello to the gamers.

Hello to the non-gamers, who are going, "You're kidding me?"

Yes, yes. I know it's supposed to be embarrassing,

I know I shouldn't admit to it,

I know this because if I'm at a dinner party

and somebody goes, "Dara, how do you relax after a gig?"

It's less embarrassing if I go, "I masturbate to hardcore pornography."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Because once you've got past that line, the conversation is

exactly the same. "Oh, I've not done that since I was a teenager."

"Oh, you should check it out. It's really moved on since then.

"The graphics alone are unrecognisable.

"I have to use all ten fingers."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

This is my argument for why video games are the winners,

are the greatest of all of these industries.

Video games do a thing that no other industry does.

You cannot be bad at watching a movie.

You cannot be bad at listening to an album.

But you can be bad at playing a video game. And the video game

will punish you and deny you access to the rest of the video game.

No other art form does this.

You've never been reading a book and, three chapters in,

the book has gone, "What are the major themes of the book so far?"

And you've gone, "Well, I-I don't know."

Pffmmm. "Oh, for fuck's sakes."

You've never been listening to an album

and, after four songs, the album has gone,

"Dance. Show me your dancing is good enough to merit this."

You're going, "Is this good enough?" And the album goes, "No." And stops.

No other art form.

Video games do it all the time, An example.

A very famous game came out a couple of years ago,

very controversial game. Grand Theft Auto IV.

A lot of people who play that. Very controversial game

because you can drag people into an alleyway and shoot them in the head.

I never got to that bit.

I got stuck on a bit where they steal a car and drive

across the city and assassinate a guy in a train station.

But the fucker kept running away.

So, I had to steal the car again and drive all the way back again.

But you couldn't drive quickly cos there's a toll booth

in the middle of the route and I had to slow up at the toll booth

and pay the toll. Trust me, six or seven attempts at this,

you're in your front room, in your pants going,

"I'm in fucking traffic.

"I'm on my day off and I'm commuting, what kind of eejit am I?

"How am I wasting my life here?

"If I lived in Liberty City, I'd buy a flat near

"the guy I had to assassinate and I'd fucking walk to work."

I asked who here was a gamer. Who plays with the Wii?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

That doesn't count. This is a Wii game.

"Ooh, I'm stroking a pony." That's a Wii game, right.

"Ooh, I'm feeding sugar cubes to a unicorn who's going to poo out

"rainbows that I can paint on to Mario's house."

That's not gaming. This is gaming.

"Oh, my God, I'm in a gun battle, which one of these isn't crouch?"

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Every game involves crouching. You're always behind a little wall

or an oil barrel. You're always crouching.

But they put the crouch button in different places on different games.

And you get panicked in the middle of a Space Marine laser battle.

And you're just pressing any button at all. And, before you know it,

your soldier is just waddling around the battlefield.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Just looking up at you.

Going, "Press anything. Anything!

"Not toggle maps!"

There's a game called Metal Gear Solid

and you play a character called Snake. And when Snake dies,

the camera pulls cinematically up from him and the man that Snake

has been speaking to on his comms unit goes,

"Snake, Snake, SNAAAAAKE."

Every time he dies.

When I play at Snake, he dies a lot.

But the man's sadness seems undiminished by the regularity

with which he has to mourn Snake.

You'd think, once or twice, he'd just go, "Ah, Snake."

You think there'd be some sort of debriefing session

where they go, "Jesus, Mick, you were very fucked off with

"the death of Snake, weren't you?" "He's one of the best

"agents we've ever had." "He was not, Mick.

"We've looked back over the mission logs.

"His behaviour in the field was erratic, at best.

"He spent most of the time waddling around

"the battlefield for no reason. He'd be waddling into corridors.

"He didn't know where to go. He'd be toggling maps, weapons,

"then items, then items and weapons and maps.

"He'd try to put his maps into his items and his weapons into his map.

"Then he had to get behind that, he couldn't.

"He kept running at it, and he kept running at it repeatedly.

"He ran at it once, he missed it,

"he had to run around again, in a little circle."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

"He tried jumping at it, he tried jumping at it.

"Then he kept touching it, touching it. Then jump and touch,

"jump and touch, jump and touch, crouch and touch.

"Then he looked up, then he had a crowbar, then he looked down.

"Then he dropped the crowbar, picked up the crowbar, weapons,

"items, items, weapons, items, weapons, weapons, items, crouched,

"not crouched, crouched, not crouched, weapons, items, crouched.

"Then a robot attacked him. He gave him his fucking rations.

"The worst agent we've ever had."

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure to talk to you.

I'm Dara O'Briain, thank you very much, good night, goodbye.

We'll see you again, you're very kind.

You're all legends. I love your work, thank you very much.

SALSA MUSIC PLAYS

What is that music? Oh, my God. What is that Latino beat?

Oh, no. Ooooh.

AUDIENCE CHEER AND WHISTLE

Oooh, building up to the big finale.

Here comes the big finale, oooooh!

Tequilaaaa!

Thank you very much. You've been fantastic.

Thanks, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, bye-bye.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've done this show 120 times, right.

In it, there are various routines I have done

and I have performed them as much as I could.

And I thought I'd done a very good job,

but sometimes I worry I'm a little hammy about it.

And it would be nice to see some of the lines delivered by a proper,

professional performer. A proper actor, right.

Say, for example, doing the 2012 routine, just to see how they'd be

delivered by somebody who genuinely knew how to, well, do you know what?

Even better, by someone who was in the actual film, 2012.

How much better would my routine be with the guy who actually delivers

the line that I am taking the piss out of night after night?

So, just for tonight, as a little treat, I would like

to welcome onto the stage an actor you may know from East Is East

or from Eastenders. Or currently on Strictly Come Dancing, but most

importantly, plays the physicist in 2012. Who delivers the magic line.

Could you please welcome Jimi Mistry, ladies and gentlemen,

on to the stage?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

JIMI CLEARS HIS THROAT

Tonight.

For one night only, myself and Jimi will now recreate

that routine and all of its important moments.

Picture the scene.

It's Calcutta, it's India, it's a rainy day.

A man arrives in a suit with a bag. He is a scientist,

He has travelled great distances in a hurry to be here.

He is meeting another scientist, he goes,

"I came as soon as you called." The other man says.

IN AN INDIAN ACCENT: We've had some incredible results. Rrr.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS

You like that line, wait till the next one.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

This scientist, you know, why didn't you email them to me.

You know about that, to that bit, right.

This guy just goes, "What are they?"

And then this guy, without shame or compunction,

this physicist turns to the other physicist and says,

The neutrinos...

have mutated!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS

That's good, that's good.

What a ridiculous line! He might as well have said,

The electrons are angry.

Or even...

The light from the sun....it...

IN AN ENGLISH ACCENT: ..it's gone off.

You're actually doing it better than I do now.

Oh, oh, that's why I'm doing it.

How much better would the film be if this was the actual ending.

"We've had some..." This guy goes, "What are they?" If, at that stage,

with the tiniest of changes. With the fucking most miniscule, with

the most itsy-bitsy-tiny-weeny-winy of changes.

If the physicist said this,

The Latinos have mutated.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

And they are heating up the planet!

SALSA MUSIC PLAYS

OK. Big finale. Big finale.

-Oooh.

-Ooooh.

BOTH: Tequilaaaaaaaa!

You're a fucking legend. Jimi Mistry, everybody.

Jimi, Jimi Mistry!

Thank you very much, good night.

Goodbye, good night, good to see you. I'm Dara O'Briain, good night.

Jimi Mistry, thank you very much, good night.

Good night and good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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