John Bishop Live: Elvis Has Left the Building

This programme contains strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: THEME FROM "2001: A Space Odyssey"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

There's no doubt that John Bishop's one of the all-time greats.

I mean, talent, ability, quality, pace, vision, awareness, unsurpassed.

He's England's answer to Maradona.

You should see him at the England camps.

He's absolutely fantastic - unbelievable. What an influence he had on the camp.

I've got a lot to thank John Bishop for.

People keep telling me I only play for Liverpool because I look like him, so I've a lot to thank him for.

I've learned a lot from him in the games that we've played.

And, er, a big influence on my game and my career. Without him, I don't think I'd be playing for Liverpool.

Welcome to Liverpool, John. How does it feel?

Yeah, you know, it's always great.

The thing is with the rotation policy that the boss has got,

people keep on suggesting that he's doing things wrong.

I know, today, the fact that he's only playing me

is a different formation than most people would have.

I know they'd probably have a 4-4-2, we're just having one.

But last time we did that against Man United, two weeks ago, we won 4-0.

I was obviously pleased to score all four goals and to make all four goals

and to save the penalty.

But it's not about me, really. It's about the club. All right?

Cheers, lads.

Incredible. I remember seeing John Bishop come into the Academy one day.

You know when you look at a lad and you think, "He just looks a player.

"He oozes class." That's what John was like.

As soon as he come into the Academy you're looking at him, thinking,

"If he can play as well as he looks, you've got a gem on your hand."

He could be one of the legends to go along with Kenny Dalglish, Kevin Keegan.

John Bishop's one of those players.

John Bishop is the best Liverpool player I've ever seen.

Still a down-to-earth guy, as well.

Very generous, lets me clean his boots.

Definitely the best football player I've ever seen.

CROWD ON VIDEO: # Walk on through the rain

# Though your dreams

# Be tossed and blown

# Walk on, walk on

# With hope in your heart

# And you'll never walk alone

# You'll never walk alone. #

It's the first time the Kop End will get a look at its captain, John Bishop.

And its captain, John Bishop, will say hello to them.

The affection is mutual between the two.

There is no other cathedral of football like Anfield

anywhere in the world.

And this cathedral has its very own "Bishop".

Now then, Bishop.

Hunting, getting, scoring! Bishop with the first of the evening.

The touch, The kiss, the affection, the noise.

Here's Bishop.

Still has it. Look at the balance, look at the poise.

Is there a finish at the end of it?

Yes, there is.

He's doubled his money.

It's two for Bishop.

Celebrating in front of the fans who adore him.

Lovely track. Nice balance.

It's a hat-trick for John Bishop.

It's another match ball in his burgeoning collection.

And even in a moment of glory, he still has time for others.

Typical of the man.

John Bishop is the best player I have ever played with.

And he was a great influence in the club.

Right. Do it again.

-BLEEP

-off. That was it!

# You'll never walk

# Alone. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, John Bishop!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. How are you?

CHEERING

Now this show's called Elvis Has Left The Building.

Now, I'm sure some of you didn't even know what it was called, but that's what it's called.

It's got a name. It's called Elvis Has Left The Building,

so before we start I've got to explain to you

why it's called Elvis Has Left The Building.

It's called Elvis Has Left The Building for a reason.

I had to call it something.

That's the main reason. I had to call it something.

Cos last year I was going up to the Edinburgh Festival and I...

Has anyone been? You've been? Yeah, yeah.

Well, if you've been to the Edinburgh Festival, you know what it's like.

It's very competitive. You know, it's like the Olympics for comedians.

Comedians go up to Edinburgh for the whole of August.

You've got to try and think of something to make people come to your show.

And one of the things that'll attract them is a good title.

And this was going to be my third time as a professional comedian going to the Edinburgh Festival.

Honestly, you get a real sense of where you stand

as a professional comedian when you do the Edinburgh Festival.

You get a real sense of where you stand on the hierarchy of comedy.

And the first time I went up as a professional,

I got a sense of where I stood when I turned up to do a gig one night.

You have to do an hour. I turned up.

Six people were in the audience.

Six. That's all who turned up.

Six people. I had to do an hour's comedy to six people.

I mean, some of them were fat so it felt like more, but still...

There's still only six heads in the audience. I'd left me job to become a professional comedian.

I could only attract six people in the audience.

The following day, my agent said she wanted to have lunch with all the acts that she had up there,

and she had some really big acts.

She had a lad called Jason Manford, who I'm sure you all know.

She had a lad called Mark Watson, who's massive - really great in Edinburgh.

And another lad, Jason Byrne, an Irish comedian who's the biggest act in Edinburgh, fucking huge.

So we sat there, we went out for lunch. We're like that.

She said, "Listen, lads. I've just got your box office figures."

She said to Jason Manford, who'd only just started the 8 Out Of 10 Cats,

"Jason, you know, it's made a massive difference.

"We thought we were taking a chance putting you in a 250-seater.

"It was ridiculous! A 250-seater venue is no good for you.

"You've sold out the first week, you've sold out the second week,

looks like the third week's going to be sold out. They want extra shows. It's unbelievable. Well done."

And everyone went, "Well done, Jason."

-HE MUMBLES:

-Fucking Manc. Fuck off. Fucking well done, Jason.

Then she turned to Mark Watson and said,

"Mark, you've had a great run recently. Everyone loves you up here.

"Putting you in a 400-seater venue seemed to make sense. Not any more.

"We're only in the first week, sold out. Second week, sold out.

"Third week, sold out. You've sold out for the entire month.

"They want extra shows. They put two on, they've already sold out. Incredible.

"Everyone wants to meet you. The press are going crazy for you." Everyone went, "Well done, Mark."

Fuck off.

Not even fucking Welsh. Fucking...

And then she turned to me.

The night before, I'd had six people in the audience.

She turned to me, she said, "John, do you want to know your box office figures for tonight?"

I said, "It's all right. Just tell me their names."

So when I was going to go up last year, I thought, "I need to put some effort in.

"I need to come up with a good title for the show. I need to do a good show. This is a big year for me."

I had to submit the title for the show by January 29th.

By January 28th last year, I still didn't know what to call the show.

But I was saved because on January 28th last year...

..I was the host...

of the Kitchen Utensil Awards 2009.

CHEERING

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes. Living the dream.

I don't know if anyone here went to the Kitchen Utensil Awards 2009,

but what a night on the kitchen utensil calendar.

It was unbelievable. I'll be honest with you - I quite like doing these awards.

They always take the same format.

They're always in a posh hotel.

This was in the Dorchester Hotel in London, a five-star hotel in London.

They're always a black-tie affair, so it's always the dickie-bow job.

And if you're like me and you grew up where I grew up

and you find yourself in a five-star hotel in London,

wearing a dickie bow but not serving potatoes...

you can't help but think, "I've done all right, haven't I?"

And they always take the same format, as well.

The way they're structured is you go on the stage,

do five or ten minutes' material about whatever industry it is,

and I've got to be honest - in the world of kitchen utensils, that's harder than it sounds.

There's only so many spatula jokes anyone can get away with.

And then you host the awards.

14 awards they had!

The Kitchen Utensil Awards - 14 awards!

How ridiculous. 14 awards!

Just think of your kitchen

and try and think of 14 utensils you would give an award to.

It was fucking ridiculous.

It was just ridiculous!

And the only reason that the numbers stood out to me, that there was 14 awards,

is there was one particular company there called Rathbone's of Wolverhampton.

And Rathbone's of Wolverhampton must be a big player in the land of kitchen utensils,

cos Rathbone's of Wolverhampton were nominated in virtually every category.

They won fuck all, but they were nominated in virtually every category.

And every time they were nominated, a huge cheer went up from the table where they were sat.

There was 500 people in the room and where the Rathbone's table was,

there was a huge cheer but they were winning nothing until the very end.

And the very final award, which has got to be the most ridiculous award I've ever given anywhere,

they were nominated again. Cos the final award was...

the Best Handheld Kitchen Utensil 2009.

Which does beg the question - what else you going to hold it with?

But at this point I thought, "I've give up hope." So I just read it out.

Again, Rathbone's of Wolverhampton were nominated -

but the difference was this time, they won.

A massive cheer went up,

and then the fattest man you've ever seen wearing a dickie bow walked on the stage.

You know when someone's that fat they've got two heads?

They've got one head with the face on it and then another head around that head.

I couldn't even see his dickie bow. He was like that.

He comes walking onto the stage, this fella. Took him ages.

He comes walking onto the stage. I'm expecting him to walk on the stage with an air of disappointment,

you know what I mean? He's been nominated in virtually every category,

he's only won one award.

But what happened next was inspirational.

He walked up to me, he shook me hand,

and without an ounce of disappointment in his eyes he just looked at me and said,

"Do you know what, son?"

He said, "This is the one we came for."

I thought, "That is brilliant!"

"I'm on a stage with a man living his dream. That's wonderful."

He must have been sat with everyone else at the Rathbone's table.

When they were nominated and not winning, he must have been going, "Hey, hey, hey, leave it.

It's the handheld we've come for."

I thought, "This is inspirational." The following day I had to come up with the title for the show.

I was going to call the show Fat Man Wins An Award, cos I thought that was a lovely thing to happen.

Then what happens? He walks off the stage and then I'm left. And what happens?

What always happens at these events. You know, you're no longer required.

I'm a spare part. Everyone ends up talking about work

and, in their case, knives and forks. So...

I've a room available to me upstairs in the Dorchester Hotel.

I wasn't going to waste that, so I did what everyone in this room would do.

I nicked a bottle of wine off the table and I took it upstairs.

Now, I could have bought that bottle of wine. If I'd have asked for it,

I'm sure I would have been given that bottle of wine.

But I think we all know, under those circumstances,

it tastes better if you nick it.

It's not thieving, it's the re-distribution of wealth.

So I took it upstairs. I'm in my hotel room and this is where the title for the show came from.

Cos I'm sat there, I was flicking through the channels on the television set in my hotel room,

I'm just flicking through the channels. I'm sat there drinking the wine.

I'm in me underpants, cos it is a hotel telly - you don't know what's going to come on next, do you?

And you never get that long, do you?

So I'm flicking through.

It is the Dorchester, so I kept the dickie-bow on.

And then as I'm flicking through, this documentary came on and it was all about Elvis Presley.

Now I've been an Elvis fan all of my life. I really have.

And I would say in this room there are Elvis fans.

I would say in this room, right now, probably 80% of the men

have at least once in their life walked up to the bathroom mirror and gone...

Just to see if you can, cos we all wanted to be a bit of Elvis

and I've sung Elvis songs at karaoke and been booed off.

But in my, heart I want to be Elvis.

And so I'm mad on Elvis.

There's a show on - a documentary about Elvis.

It was called All The Things You Didn't Know About The King.

It was just fact after fact after fact. I knew a lot of them.

Some of them blew me away.

The first fact that blew me away -

it said when Elvis Presley died on August 16th 1977,

there was exactly 147 registered Elvis impersonators

in the whole of America.

147.

30 years later, in 2007,

that number had grown to 415,000,

such was the influence of the man.

And then it said...

if the rate of increase continues...

..in 30 years' time,

one in three people in America...

LAUGHTER

..will be Elvis Presley.

APPLAUSE

That has got to make the world a better place.

Imagine at McDonald's people going, "Thank you very much." I thought, "This is ace!"

But it was the next fact that changed everything.

When Elvis Presley died on August 16th 1977,

he was ONLY 42 years of age.

And that hit me like a train.

Cos six weeks before,

-I

-had just turned 42.

And when you realise that you're the same age as the King Of Rock And Roll was when he died,

it changes how you view the world, it changes your perspective on everything.

I didn't have a dump for four days!

LAUGHTER

It plays on your mind, it's like Russian roulette.

I'm thinking, "I'll leave it," you know what I mean?

I started saying to me missus, "Will you watch love, just in case something happens?"

Cos all of a sudden, Elvis was the same age as me,

so I understood things about Elvis I'd never understood in the past.

I knew immediately why Elvis was fat.

I'd never understood why Elvis was fat,

but now I knew why Elvis was fat.

Elvis was fat because he was a bloke over 40.

And like every bloke over 40 knows, you just get fat.

You just turn 40 and God starts taking the piss out of you and you get fat.

You go to bed and wake up fatter than when you went to sleep.

It's like God's going, "Have some fat, lad.

"There you go, get some fat on you.

"Oh, are you losing your confidence around women?

"Here you go, have some fat. Get some here."

You get fat where it's impossible to get fat. You get a fat back.

How the fuck can anyone get a fat back? Me fucking back went fat!

How did that happen? God's going, "Have some fat."

It's like God's looking at you going, "Look at you, you're losing...

"Look at you, you're over 40, you're losing the hair on your head.

"Here you are, tell you what, I'll stick it in your ears. There you go."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No-one can explain why we get hairy ears.

And why is it just men?

I've never met a woman with hairy ears

and I've been to St Helens.

I'm always wary about that joke cos I know there's going to be

a hairy-eared woman from St Helens.

"What do you fucking mean?!"

But they don't get it! Why is it just us and why do you have it?

You know, hair in your ears doesn't do a job.

It doesn't keep words warm. It's not doing anything.

You don't even know... I've never seen a man cultivate it.

"This is handy, isn't it? I'll grow it over."

You don't even know it's happening.

It's absolutely horrible. That's when you know you're getting old.

That day that you go to the same barber you've been going to for 15 years

and then he cuts your hair and leans over at the end and goes, "Do you want me to do your ears?"

"Fuck off!" Cos that's what happens all of a sudden.

Grooming becomes a big issue for you.

Your ears, your eyebrows - that's what happens.

Saturday night for men over 40 is grooming night.

It used to be copping-off night in your 20s and your 30s. Well, not now.

In your 40s you think, "Great, Saturday night. X Factor's on,

"I'll get four cans, sit with me hands down me pants

"and just pluck some hairs out of me nose."

I swear to God I'd never plucked a single hair out me nose until I was 40. Never.

But when you start you can't stop.

And if you've seen them...!

Have you seen the length of them? I'm sure you pull one out your nose,

you lose one in your arse. They're about that flipping long.

Sat there like that.

And we do... There's little things - you look in the Sunday papers,

you get little clippers for here and clippers for there

and clippers for there and you can employ a little midget

to walk across your head. You can get anything, we do everything.

We do total grooming now, men over 40.

Total groom except there. We don't do there.

We do not do there. We leave here.

Men don't do there. We let there go wild.

We think that's God's will. We leave all that.

Women, it's different. I know you have a little tidy up every now again

and to be fair, I think we all appreciate it, lads, don't we?

It's nice, it's nice and I know...

Obviously it's handy you've got a little template to work to,

but we don't. Men don't touch that and I think we need to.

It's that last bastion of maleness we need to address. We need to have a little trim now and again.

We do. Just tidy up, it's common sense.

You have a trim now and again, it'll make your willy look bigger.

It's obvious. I tell you, there's this fallacy

that black men have got bigger willies than white men and they haven't.

They've just got a tight perm.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love saying that joke.

I love saying it cos every time I say it white men go, "I think he's got a point."

And their wives are going, "No, he hasn't."

But I did, I realised all of a sudden why Elvis was fat.

I thought, "That's not going to happen to me."

So what I did, the very next day, I went back to the gym.

Now I say I went BACK to the gym,

cos I've had money going to the gym,

I've just not been accompanying the money.

So I went back to the gym and I've got one of these gyms

where it's got a fancy card to get in, you know, you swipe the card to get in.

So I'm swiping this card to get in and it wouldn't let me in and obviously somewhere in the office

the fat-bastard alarm must have gone off

cos this fucking stick insect popped up from behind the reception.

Oh, you should have seen the state of her.

If she wasn't working in a gym we'd have an appeal for her, know what I mean?

And she popped up and she said, "I'm really sorry, Mr Bishop,

"but your card's not allowing you access to the gym

"cos you haven't been to the gym for more than six months." I said, "So?"

She said, "Our terms and conditions are if you haven't been to the gym for more than six months,

"you need another induction with our personal trainers."

I went, "Don't be... I don't need an induction."

She said, "It's our terms and conditions."

I said, "Listen, love, I don't need an induction. I know how the gym works.

"I know if I come in, get on that boat, start rowing, I don't go anywhere. I know.

"I've been disappointed in the past."

She said, "Well, it's our terms and conditions that you need to have an induction."

And I know why they've done it.

They've done it, it's marketing.

Cos what they've realised in the gym is that men join gyms, but men don't go to gyms.

Women go to gyms and there's a reason - cos gyms are communal places.

There are other people there and men don't like that. Women do.

If women go to a gym, you like the gym, you'll say, "This is a nice gym.

"I've been to a nice exercise class, I'll get my friends to come."

She phones her friends and says, "Come to my gym, it's a lovely gym, it's got a great exercise class."

And your friends will come to the same exercise class and you'll come out at the same time

and you'll walk into the changing room at the same time, get undressed at the same time

and walk in the showers at the same time and you'll wash each other's hair.

I know it happens, I've seen it in the films, it happens in every single one.

But for men, we don't like that, we don't like that communal aspect of it.

We don't like it cos that means if we go to the gym when there's other people in the gym,

we walk out of the gym when they walk out of the gym,

we walk in the changing rooms when they walk in the changing rooms,

we get undressed when they get undressed,

which means they're going to look at our willies.

Fact. Fact. Men don't like to admit it but in this room now, if we were naked,

all the men would look at every other man's willy.

No-one wants to admit it and I don't mean stare.

You don't stare and you definitely don't point, definitely don't point.

But it's a glance, it's an instinctive glance,

like lions look at other lions to see who's got the biggest mane.

They look, just a little glance. You just clock what's going on. Just a little...

We are by nature, by instinct, cock-clockers - that's what men are.

But if you know that'll go on, you're going to an environment,

you don't know anyone, and they'll all look at your willy,

that's a frightening thing, which is why men don't to the gym.

It's also why men, when they do go to the gym, go swimming, play five-a-side,

every man when he gets changed, before he'll walk anywhere,

take your kit off, turn round, just have a little flick.

That's why we all have that little flick, that kind of, "Come on, son. Wake up, come on.

"Come on, son. Don't let daddy down, come on."

People watching. Obviously you've got to be careful you don't do it too much, I tell you that.

That doesn't half change the atmosphere!

So I know that's what they're doing.

They're doing this personal-training thing, so you'll buy more personal training.

I said, "I don't need a personal trainer."

She said, "I can't let you in unless you have a session with a personal trainer,

"and it just so happens one of our personal trainers, called Brad, is available now."

Yeah. Yeah.

You're like me, as soon as you hear those words - "a personal trainer called Brad,"

you think, "Twat!"

And I was right. This lad comes out wearing a T-shirt which was clearly bought for an eight-year-old child.

Why can't he dress properly?

He's come out and going...

And I don't know if anyone's ever had one of these personal-training sessions,

but they get you doing stuff you would never do.

He had me doing this thing called lunging.

There seems some lungers in the room. There's people who lunge.

There's a recognition in that last bit of lunge that I didn't know what fucking lunging was.

Lunging is obviously... Lunging is like the new dogging.

People are doing it, I don't know who they are.

For those of you who don't know what lunging is, this is what a lunge is, right?

You get a weight. He makes me stand there with a weight in each hand.

And you stand there, this is a lunge.

That's lunging. Now look at that

as an exercise.

Look at that and try and think of any activity in your life

where that would be useful.

Try and think of anything that you do where you would think,

"Oh, I wish I'd lunged just a little bit more."

You know what I mean? It's not as if one day someone's

going to try and shoot you

and you'll go, "Oh, look, you missed! Hey! I'm a lunger, me.

"Look at that!"

35 minutes he had me doing that. 35 minutes!

He said, "I'll phone you in the morning to see if you want to book some more one-on-one sessions."

He phoned me up in the morning and said, "Do you want to book some more one-on-one sessions?"

I said, "Do I shite, Brad!"

He said, "Why?" I said, "Brad, I can't walk."

Do you know what he said? "That's because you've been exercising muscles you don't normally use."

I said, "Brad, I'm 42.

"If I don't use them, I don't fucking need them."

Know what I knew?

I knew why Elvis was fat.

The next thing that I understood when I realised how old Elvis was is the white jumpsuits.

For the first time in my life, I understood why Elvis wore the white jumpsuits.

Elvis wore the white jumpsuits cos Elvis was a bloke over 40.

And like every bloke over 40...

he didn't know what to put on.

Because we don't know what to wear.

As soon as you turn 40, you don't know whether to wear clothes like you've still got a skateboard

or dress like your dad.

There's no in-between. In fact, if it wasn't for birthdays and Christmas, we'd probably be naked.

Because women, women, you're still interested in clothes,

you still have programmes on the television that are interested in you and fashion.

You've still got magazines that are interested in what you wear,

you've got each other, you've got your friends.

No-one in this room has ever seen two blokes in their 40s in a shop

saying, "Hey, I tell you what, Barry, that looks lovely on you."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Honestly, lovely. Keep it on. Dave, have a look.

"Keep it on! Dave, have a look at this. Lovely, lovely, lovely.

"Stand as you would with your pint, stand as you would. Look.

"Isn't that lovely, isn't that nice?" Oh, we're fucked.

Honestly, it's a disaster.

And so I realised how much fashion was passing me by

when I took a gamble a couple of months after realising I was the same age as Elvis when he died.

I took a gamble, I took a massive fashion gamble.

I bought a brand-new pair of white training shoes

and I think we know that there comes a time in a man's life

where if you're seen wearing brand-new white training shoes with jeans,

there's a very good chance you're going look a little bit "special".

There comes a time in a man's life where you've reached the age

that if you are seen wearing brand-new white training shoes with jeans,

you're going to look like you should be holding hands with another responsible adult.

And I bought these brand-new white trainers, Adidas they were.

Apparently they were retro and I didn't even know what that meant.

I've got three lads, three teenage boys.

It's hard being a teenager and every man in here remembers what it was like

because again for men, because we're competitive,

even being a teenager's competitive, even going through puberty is a competition.

Every man in here remembers what it was like when you were 12 or 13,

running home from school every day to look in the mirror

to see if you've grown a moustache during the afternoon.

And every morning you wake up

and look down to see if anything's going on downstairs.

Because you don't want to be the last in school, do you?

You don't want to be the last to go through puberty.

And then you'll have a week off school for half-term

and you come back after a week away and you do PE

and you walk into the showers all self-conscious

and then some kid walks in with a beard and bollocks by his knees.

Everyone goes, "Jesus, Tony what happened to you?"

-BREAKING VOICE:

-"I don't fucking know!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"I just woke up."

Cos that's what happens - the hormones just come flying in and you've got no control over them.

My oldest lad, his voice has been breaking, which is the funniest thing on the planet bar none.

I have conversations with him now I don't need to have, just to hear him speak.

I'll say things to him like, "What time is it, son?"

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-"It's about four o'clock, Dad."

What's the weather like outside?

-UP AND DOWN IN PITCH:

-"It's sunny all the time now."

Honestly, it's like living with Scooby Doo, it's brilliant.

Like all teenagers now, he's massive

and I was getting the kids ready to take them out for something to eat

and I was downstairs with the other two.

We're waiting for him. He comes walking downstairs in my shoes, in my brand-new white trainers.

I've not even wore them myself.

He's gone into the room, put them on his feet, he's walked... That's how big he is - size 9 feet!

He comes walking downstairs in my shoes. I said, "Hey, what are you doing with them on?"

He went...

-UP AND DOWN IN PITCH:

-"I'm going to wear them."

I know, it's very difficult to argue and laugh at the same time, isn't it?

-I went, "Hmmm, mmm."

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I said, "They're mine, they're my brand-new white trainers."

I said, "Go upstairs and take them off."

-UP AND DOWN IN PITCH:

-"I want to wear them."

I said, "Hey, I'm not asking you."

I said, "They're mine, now go upstairs and take them off."

-He went...

-GRUNTS

I said, "Look, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you - get up them stairs and take my trainers off."

-You know what he said? "Make me."

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

That's a proper challenge, isn't it?

That's like the little lion taking on the big lion

and all the other lions are running round going, "It's kicking off in here!"

We're stood toe to toe, he's stood in front of me, toe to toe.

He's as big as I am! I'm looking at him, he's looking at me, I'm looking straight in his eyes,

he's looking in my eyes, I'm looking in his eyes.

And for the first time in the 15 years of his life...

I could see he was thinking,

"I can take you."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And I'm stood there, and I'm looking in his eyes.

And for the first time in the 15 years of his life, I was thinking...

"There's a chance he can take me here."

And there is nothing more scary on this planet

than thinking you're going to get your head kicked in with your own shoes.

So I thought... I thought, "I've got to do it - I've got to do a show with Elvis in the title."

So the next thing I did is I got a poster made,

and I got a poster made with me and me dog - I've got a dog.

Me and me dog, stood at a bus stop - me, dog.

I was dressed as Elvis... The dog wasn't, the dog was just a dog.

"Elvis Has Left The Building." I thought that was a good idea.

I got it e-mailed to our house.

Now, I've got a lad who's 12 - and I came into the house, he's on the computer.

I came in - I said, "Listen, son, I need to see this e-mail."

E-mail pops up with the poster. I said, "What do you think of that?"

He said, looking at me -

I'm dressed as Elvis, at a bus stop, with the dog...

-He said "Well, the DOG looks funny."

-LAUGHTER

"But what are you dressed like that for?"

I said, "Cos of Elvis."

Know what he said? "Who's Elvis?"

-LAUGHTER

-Can you believe that? I said "What?"

He said, "Who's Elvis?" I said to his mum, "He doesn't know who Elvis is."

She said, "Well, he's from another planet.

"All he does is go on the internet."

I'm not knocking the internet by the way, I like the internet.

If you do this job, you're working late at night,

-you come home...tired...

-LAUGHTER

..everyone's in bed...

you need to relax before you go to sleep -

the internet's fantastic, there's loads on the internet.

But kids now - they just live in this different world.

I said, "I can't believe this." When it was his 12th birthday,

I said "I'm going to bridge this gap.

"I'm going to bridge this cultural divide."

So I said, I'm going to get him, for his 12th birthday

what I got for MY 12th birthday.

So I bought him... a game of Monopoly.

LAUGHTER

I went mad, I got the deluxe - I got him a game of Monopoly.

He also got a thing called an Xbox 360 Live.

Apparently you've got to get a live one - by all accounts the dead one's shit.

So he got an Xbox 360 Live, and a game of Monopoly.

He opened them both and I have to be honest, he was less excited about the Monopoly than I was hoping.

He said, "Dad can I go upstairs and set up my Xbox 360 Live?"

I said, "Of course you can, son. This is your very first game of Monopoly.

"It's going to take me a few hours to set it up, I want to get it right."

He goes upstairs - I went upstairs two hours later.

I don't know if any parent in this room has experienced this frightening phenomena.

He's on this Xbox - he's playing this game called Duty Call, or Call of Duty or something.

He's got an earpiece in, shouting at the telly!

I come in - I said, "Come on, son.

"I've set up...the Monopoly."

LAUGHTER

He said, "I can't come now, Dad - I'm playing with all of me friends."

I went...

LAUGHTER

I said, "Son, there's no-one here.

He said, "Dad, I'm playing live on the internet.

"I've just struck up an alliance with a lad in Birmingham and another lad in Burnley -

"we've got a pincer movement going on this encampment.

"Inside is a lad from Aberdeen and a lad from Nottingham...

"although we think he might be a paedo cos he sounds like a bloke.

"Inside that encampment they've got all the armoury we need.

"If we can get it off them, we can put a push onto the next base and get all the gold reserves.

"That means we can destabilise the economy, make a run on the oil price

"and take over Western Europe by teatime."

Do you know how hard it is to make Monopoly sound good after that?!

-I even said he could be the hat.

-LAUGHTER

I haven't let anyone be the hat since '93.

And the problem is, it's one of these things with kids.

No matter who you are as a dad, you want to impress your kids, every dad wants to do that.

When you're a little boy, you're growing up, you want an impressive dad.

And then you become a dad, and all you want to do then

is to impress your kids, that's all any dad wants to do.

That's why every time you go away on holiday,

you always see a fat bloke stood at the top of a diving board, shitting himself...

LAUGHTER

..whilst his kids are shouting, "Come on, Dad, do a somersault like the German boy's dad."

And you never want to let them down.

And it's difficult at times... As I say, I've got three kids.

One wants to fight me, one wants to be on the internet -

the other one...

well, the other one just thinks I'm a knob, to be honest.

I've got one of those kids that you get, with skinny jeans,

and they have these colourful hoodies and little rucksacks and they have hair like that.

And you can't tell whether it's a boy and a girl, and they're always hugging each other.

-Well, I've got one of them. I er...

-LAUGHTER

I've got to be honest - I'm not sure the same one comes home each night.

-LAUGHTER

-We just feed it and send it to bed.

And he had this thing recently called a sleepover, which has got to be

the most inappropriately named activity on the planet.

Cos no-one sleeps!

It should be called a "why don't you have a load of teenagers you don't know

"in your house, eating everything in the fridge, and then staying up till 4.00

in the morning when they have a row and everyone ends up crying"-over.

Cos that's what happens.

And I walked past his bedroom - it was about midnight and one of his...mates, er...

as he walked past, just said,

"It must be dead cool having a dad who's a comedian."

To which my son said "No - he's a knob."

APPLAUSE

There's not a lot you can say to that, really, is there?

But every now and again, sometimes in life you get opportunities to try and impress your kids, and something

happened to me last year that gave me that opportunity completely out of the blue.

My agent phoned me up - she said, "John, I've got you a part in something." I said, "I can't act."

She said, "It's OK - they don't know."

LAUGHTER

I said, "OK - what's the programme?" She said, "A thing called Skins."

-CHEERING

-Yeah... People have heard of Skins.

I said, "Very good. What's the storyline?

She said, "Well, the storyline's based around a lesbian love affair."

-I said, "I think I can do that."

-LAUGHTER

"I've done loads of research on the internet, and erm...

"I'm pretty sure I can play a plumber."

LAUGHTER

I said, "What's the part?" She said, "The part's to be a dad."

I said, "A what?" She said, "A dad of one of the lesbians."

Now, I'm probably like you, ladies and gentlemen -

up to that point in my life,

I didn't know what a lesbian's dad looked like.

LAUGHTER

-Well, apparently - this is it.

-LAUGHTER

I turned up... They film it in Bristol.

I'd never been on a film set before. It was so exciting.

It was January, it was cold - everyone was walking round in puffa jackets.

You get a trailer with your name on.

Everyone gets their own trailer, with their own name on. You've got your own caravan!

There's another caravan, where you get free food all day!

It's like being a really posh gypsy. It was brilliant!

The director comes up to me - he said, "John, we're going to do your scenes next.

"Obviously we don't film things chronologically,

"so I need to explain to you how it will appear on the television."

I said, "OK." He said, "In the scene immediately preceding your scene,

"the scene immediately before we see you involves your daughter -

"your 18-year-old lesbian daughter.

"And she's making love, to her

"18-year-old...lesbian...lover."

LAUGHTER

"And immediately from making love to her 18-year-old...

"lesbian...girlfriend...

"..she decides to come home and tell you, her father,

"that she's...a lesbian."

And I went, "OK... OK."

LAUGHTER

I said, "Do you think it would be better if I just caught her?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"You know - I just happened to be in the wardrobe, fitting some..."

LAUGHTER

And he went, "No, we'll do the script." So I did the script.

He comes up to me at the end, he said, "That was all right.

"Have you seen the show?

I said, "I haven't, to be honest. But I've got teenage boys, I'm pretty sure they watch it."

And that's when gave me this little carrot of hope of impressing my kids.

"You've got teenage boys, and you've been in Skins?!

"They're going to think you're a hero." I said, "Do you think so?"

He said, "I'm telling you now - teenage boys love this show."

I said, "I didn't know that." I said, "Why?"

He said, "Teenage boys love Skins. And I'll tell you why -

"cos for teenage boys, Skins is wank material."

LAUGHTER

I said, "I don't want that!"

LAUGHTER

"I don't want me lads going 'Lesbian, lesbian -

shit, there's me dad!'

LAUGHTER

Having all their mates phoning up going, "I was knocking one out last night, and your dad popped up!

"I'm not coming to YOURS again for a sleepover, he's in me head now!

So - it was robbed from me.

The thing I'd been after, that opportunity to impress me kids, was robbed from me.

And then, at the end of April last year, I got THE phone call

that I'd been waiting for all me life. The phone call that changed my life.

At the end of April last year, I got a phone call off Kenny Dalglish.

Yeah, yeah...

WHOOPING

Well -I THINK it was him, I couldn't understand a fuckin' word he said.

No, I did. And for those who don't know, obviously

Kenny Dalglish played for Liverpool, managed Liverpool, played for Celtic and for Scotland,

and for Liverpool supporters like me he's held in uniquely high esteem

as a player, as a manager - but, more importantly, as a man.

I can't tell you how excited I was.

It was like being an eight-year-old boy getting a phone call off Santa. I nearly wet meself.

He said, "Hello, John, it's Kenny Dalglish." I went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-EXCITABLY SQUEAKY:

-"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hiya, Kenny."

LAUGHTER

"John, as part of the Hillsborough commemorations

"there's going to be a charity football game.

"It's going to involve a team of Liverpool legends playing against a team of charity all-stars.

"The charity all-stars will have some ex-pros in, like Alan Stubbs,

"Alan Shearer, Teddy Sheringham, and some soap opera people and people off the telly."

He said, "I'm phoning you up to see if you want to play.

"At Anfield."

Can you imagine that?!

I was just giddy with excitement.

I WAS like a child. I said "K-K-Kenny...!

"I-I-I-I'd love to play, Kenny. I'd love to play, Kenny.

"Kenny, Kenny! Kenny, Kenny!

I said, "Kenny...when is it?"

Kenny said, "It's in 11 days." I said, "You mean 11 sleeps?!"

LAUGHTER

He said, "If you like - 11 sleeps, yeah, 11 sleeps.

I said, "Kenny, I'd love to play for the charity all-stars.

He said, "No...

"I don't want you playing for the charity all-stars - I want you...playing for us.

"I want you... playing for Liverpool at Anfield."

Can you IMAGINE how exciting that is?

That's all of my dreams rolled into one. I couldn't believe it.

The closest I'd ever got to that

is some people thinking I look like Jamie Carragher.

I turned up 11 days later.

I walked into the home dressing room - with my brand new bag.

And my brand-new boots. I was all nervous, I walked in like that.

LAUGHTER

Kenny come over to me - he says, "You look shit."

-I said, "Kenny, I've not slept for 11 days!"

-LAUGHTER

"I didn't want to miss it!"

LAUGHTER

I'm looking round the room, it's unbelievable! It's proper legends!

There's Jan Molby, Ronnie Whelan, Ray Houghton, Peter Beardsley,

Kenny Dalglish, Alan Hansen, Mark Lawrenson. There's just real heroes!

John Aldridge, Ian Rush, Robbie Fowler,

Steven Gerrard called in. Phil Thompson's lending his support.

I just couldn't believe... I'm getting changed next to them!

Can you imagine that? I'm getting changed next to my heroes! Can you imagine what that feels like?

I'm just stood there going...

LAUGHTER

It was then that I realised I've got a bigger willy than Alan Hansen.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

For some reason that surprised me, but it did give me that boost of confidence.

-LAUGHTER

-We walked out onto the pitch -

the game had only been announced two weeks before, but near enough

30,000 people filtered into the ground.

Three sides of Anfield are filled.

I'm just looking around, in awe.

The lads are warming up. They know how to warm up -

they've warmed up in front of 30,000 people before.

I don't know how you warm up in front of 30,000 people.

I just started doing lunges...

LAUGHTER

We walk into the dressing room.

Kenny Dalglish is the player manager -

another former Liverpool manager, Roy Evans, is his assistant.

Kenny named the team... I was sub.

I mean, I expected to be sub.

-In fact, I was number 24.

-LAUGHTER

Which means if there was two teams, I'd still be sub - but that's OK.

That's OK, I didn't mind that. I didn't mind that, because I've always had

one dream in my life, one dream in my head -

like, everyone's always got something you never grow out of.

My one dream, is that one day,

I will play for Liverpool,

in the middle of midfield, attacking the Kop.

That was my dream - that one day, I would be in the middle of midfield attacking the Kop.

And I would shoot outside the area,

and it would rifle in - in the same way that Stevie G does it now.

I wanted to be in the middle of midfield attacking the Kop.

I didn't mind being sub -

cos for the first half, we were attacking the Anfield Road end.

I didn't get on - not arsed, it's not me destiny.

LAUGHTER

My destiny's middle of midfield, attacking the Kop.

Half-time comes, we're winning 2-0. John Aldridge scored, I think, and Ian Rush scored.

At half-time, a few changes are made.

All the other subs go on. No-one even looks at me.

The game kicks off. I'm watching the game - but all the time I'm concentrating, cos I'm only

going to get one chance to fulfil that destiny, to play in the middle of midfield attacking the Kop.

No-one's looking at me, no-one even notices I'm there.

I've started doing lunges in front of Kenny... so he knows I'm still around.

But all the time I'm concentrating on that middle of midfield...

middle of midfield attacking the Kop.

I'm concentrating on getting in the middle of midfield.

The game's been played for 21 minutes...

when Roy Evans, the assistant manager, turns to me -

he said, "Bish!"

I said, "Yeah, Roy?"

-He's only a little fella.

-LAUGHTER

I said, "Yeah, Roy?"

He said, "Bish, are you ready to go on, son?"

I went,

"You bet you, Roy."

He said, "Good, because you're going on in defence."

AUDIENCE GROANS

I know. That's like someone telling you you can shag the Corrs

but you've got to start with the brother, you know what I mean?

It's almost a dream come true, isn't it?

I'm about to walk on and play defence for Liverpool when all of a sudden,

Jan Molby, one of the best midfield players I've ever seen kick a ball, put his hand up.

He wanted to come off. That was an honour.

I went on for big Jan. It was an amazing feeling to run on to that pitch at Anfield

and hear 30,000 people go, "Who the fuck's that?"

At the moment on that pitch the Liverpool midfield comprised of

Jamie Redknapp, England international, Steve McManaman, England international,

Gary McAllister, Scotland international,

John Bishop, 42, making his debut.

For the first ten minutes I ran around like a lunatic.

I just wanted to kick the ball. Didn't give a shit which way it went. I just wanted it.

In the end I was on that pitch in total for 22 minutes.

I came off with a couple of minutes left so that quite rightly,

Kenny could come on and take the adulation of the crowd.

And that was a honour, to be replaced by the King himself.

But during those 22 minutes a few things happened that I will never, ever forget.

I did get a shot outside the area.

It whistled past the post.

If it had gone in I think my head would have exploded.

I got booked for diving, which was a fucking terrible decision.

Terrible decision! But something happened that will stay with me every day until I go to the grave.

It happened when I'd been on the pitch for 17 minutes.

I'd been on the Anfield turf for 17 minutes. I hadn't kicked the ball.

I could see my own dream fading in front of my eyes.

I thought, "I'm never going to fulfil it.

"I'm never going to kick the ball."

When, all of a sudden, Gary McAllister gets the ball.

He controls it. As he controls it, Alan Shearer goes to close him down.

Gary McAllister went that way, turned, looked up.

Looked at me and he went, "Bish!"

And I went...

"Gary!"

And he kicked the ball to me! He kicked the ball!

I got me first touch of the ball on the Anfield pitch.

I controlled it, I moved it around me feet. I looked up.

Jamie Redknapp was 20 yards away.

Jamie Redknapp went, "Bish!"

And I went...

"Jamie!"

And I kicked the ball and it rolled to Jamie Redknapp's feet.

And just as the ball reached Jamie Redknapp's feet I heard,

from the Liverpool dugout, Kenny Dalglish shout, "great ball, Bish!"

Now, ladies and gentlemen, Liverpool Football Club was founded in 1892,

and in all of that time I don't know if anyone else

has played for them with an erection.

But it's very difficult to run, to be honest. You're like that.

"Don't pass there! Near it!"

At the end of the game, to be honest, I didn't go straight home.

You wouldn't go straight home.

I'd just lived me dream.

I went to the pub. I should have got out the kit, but I was too excited.

And then I woke up the following morning, in the kit, and I never wanted it to end.

But also, there was a reason I kept the kit on, it was because I wanted to share it.

I wanted to walk down the following morning when me kids were eating breakfast and share the moment.

Cos I've always said to my kids, "Try and live your dream."

I'll be honest with you.

I never in a million years, and there's people in here who've known me for a long time will know,

I never believed I would ever do this.

And every day that you do, it's a blessing.

So I've always said to my kids, "Pick a dream and try and follow it,

"and if you fall short, that's all right, at least you're going in the direction you want.

"It's better than falling short doing something you don't want to do."

The night before, they'd seen me living me dream.

I wanted to share it with them.

I walked into the kitchen wearing the kit. They were sat there eating breakfast.

Well, eating that chocolate stuff that sends them fucking mental, you know?

The school's phoning up going, "He's a bit lively!"

"I know, he left the house fucking wired this morning!"

And then I walked in and everything stopped, and they all looked at me and I'm stood there in the kit,

and me oldest son looked at his brothers and looked at me and said, "Dad." I said, "Yeah, son?"

He said, "You did it, didn't you?"

I said, "What?" He said, "You lived your dream."

I went, "Yeah, son, I lived me dream." He said, "We saw it, Dad, and you know your shot?"

I said, "Yeah." He said, "It was shit."

And you know what?

That would have been upsetting, but something had happened two weeks before.

That would have been upsetting but for one reason only.

Two weeks before, I had bonded with my kids in a completely unique way,

in a way that I'd never, ever expected.

We have a shout in our house, and you will have it as well if you've got multiple children.

And it's a shout that indicates there's been a crime committed.

You don't know who committed the crime, so you want all key suspects in one place.

In our house it's "Hey, you three, get in there." That means, "There's been a crime committed,

"we don't know who committed the crime, we want all key suspects in one place, CSI can now begin."

I come home from work, I put the key in the door, I'm about to turn the key when I heard that shout,

"Hey, you three, get in there." That was my cue to go to the pub.

I'm pulling the key out, but just as I'm pulling the key out,

the problem with our house is that we've got a dog.

And the problem with having a dog is our dog is a snitch.

As soon as the dog heard the key, he starts to go,

"He's home, he's home, he's pulled it out, he's pulled it out!

"He's going the pub, he's going to the pub, he's going to the pub!"

Never get a talking dog, they're a fucking nuisance.

I walked into the living room. I've been present at a number of these investigations,

but I've never seen such innocence on the eyes of the accused before.

I walked in, the three are sat there on the couch,

in age order, which I thought was quite cute. I walked in, I looked at them.

The prosecutor, formerly known as me wife, is stood there.

I said, "What's wrong? She said, "What's wrong? What's wrong?"

She said, "It's one of these three dirty buggers.

I said, "What do you mean?"

She said, "I've just been on the computer, I've been on the internet,

"one of these three dirty buggers has been going on a website called RedTube,

"where you download free internet porn!" And I went...

I said, "Well, maybe they just clicked on it by mistake." She said, "By mistake?!

I've been through Google history, they've been doing it since they were six!"

So I did what any father would do.

I looked at me sons, with their eyes full of innocence and hope.

I looked at me wife, with her eyes full of anger and disappointment.

And I went,

"You dirty bastards."

I said, "That's not what the computer's for.

"That's not what the internet's for.

"That's not the material I want you looking at in this house.

"Is that understood?" That's what I said.

But whilst I said it, something miraculous happened, as one by one, almost with the aid of telepathy,

they individually worked out the reality of the situation.

So I stood in front of them and I said,

"You dirty bastards, that's not what the computer's for.

"That's not what the internet's for.

"That's not the material I want you looking at in this house.

"Is that understood?"

Yeah, that's what me words said.

But me eyes were saying, "Come on, lads, take a bullet for your dad."

Ladies and gentlemen, we've just about come to the end of the show.

And I've got to be honest with you, it's been amazing.

This has been an amazing run, it's been an amazing year,

and to finish here is an honour, cos it is.

If you're from around here, if you're like me, anyway, you used to stand outside

and watch kids come out of panto and try and nick the candyfloss.

So to actually be here,

to be on this stage and to be in the Empire, in many respects is a dream,

and before we finish, I just want to share one more dream with you.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Good night and God bless. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

-THROUGH LAUGHTER:

-# Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton

# Old times, they are not forgotten

# Look away, look away

# Look away

# Dixieland

# I wish I was in Dixie

# Away, away... #

This is my dream!

# In Dixieland I'll take my stand

# To live and die in Dixie

# Cos Dixieland

# Where I was born

# Early, Lord, one frosty morn

# Look away, look away

# Look away

# Dixieland

# Glory, glory, hallelujah

# Glory, glory, hallelujah

# Glory...

COMMENTATOR: 'John Bishop, Liverpool comedian.'

# Hallelujah

# His truth is... #

'And John Bishop will be loving every moment of this,

'being a dyed-in-the-wool Red.

'Chance for John Bishop, whose resemblance to Jamie Carragher is often remarked upon.

'He's won himself a free kick there.

'Rather unceremoniously dumped to the ground by Alan Stubbs there.

# ..bound to die... #

'Here's Gary McAllister. Redknapp.

'Bishop. McManaman.'

# My trials, Lord

# Soon be over... #

'John Bishop with a good clearing header.

'A shot from Bishop.'

# Glory, glory, hallelujah

# His truth is...

-TANNOY:

-'Liverpool legend number 24 John Bishop replaced by number seven, Kenny Dalglish.'

# His truth is marching on. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, the Liverpool Harmonic Gospel Choir!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for something I will never forget.

Good night and God bless.

Thank you!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

Ladies and gentlemen, John Bishop has left the building!