Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language

'Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Moyles!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Good evening and welcome to Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire on BBC3.

CHEERING

We are here tonight at the world-famous Hackney Empire theatre

in East London, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING

Tonight is all about comedy.

Right now, waiting backstage,

we've got some of the funniest and finest comedians

who were willing to turn up on a cold Monday night in June.

It's going to be a good night.

It's a big week for Hackney,

we've got Radio 1's Hackney Weekend coming up this weekend.

-SCATTERED CHEERS

-The sound of a few people who have tickets,

the sound of silence from people that go

"Bothered? Didn't get one."

Some of our stand-ups tonight on the show actually come from

right here in Hackney, which is brilliant,

because it means we don't have to give them a car home.

They can walk and then we can use the money we save

on drugs and boys.

LAUGHTER

As I said, this show is Chris Moyles' Comedy Empire,

it's called that because, for those of you that don't know,

I am Chris Moyles, thank you very much.

I know that might sound like a stupid thing to say

but there will be viewers at home tonight

and maybe even some people in the audience going, "Chris Moyles?

"He's that big, fat bastard off the radio, isn't it?"

Yes, that would've been true in the old days -

fat - can't argue with that. Big - yes.

Bastard...guilty.

I used to be that man but not any more, ladies and gentlemen.

Those were the old days, the days before I lost some weight,

the days before I started shopping at places other than

Next for men's sportswear.

Now, I am the new Chris Moyles that you see in front of you tonight.

The new, improved, slimmer, sexier,

but don't worry, still a bastard. Yes, I am Chris Moyles.

What a place Hackney is.

Do we have people from Hackney in the audience tonight?

CHEERING

Hackney is amazing. It really is a million-and-one different things.

It's energetic and it's vibrant. It's nothing like the stereotype

that the television likes to make it out to be,

it's a little bit like the stereotype.

But it's moving on. As far as I'm concerned, this place is brilliant.

It's the only place I know where at three o'clock in the morning

you can get yourself a kebab

and then pop next door and get your hair braided.

Three o'clock in the morning!

So, shall we start the show?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

It is going to be a great show for you tonight, you are going to absolutely love it.

Please welcome Mark Watson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello!

Oh, thank you! Oh, it's nice to feel warmth from the crowd like that.

I don't come out and do a great, big thing.

I'm aware that I look unimpressive. I'm really scrawny.

I'm so thin it's becoming sort of a problem.

After a show people will often say, "Have you eaten?"

Like, as if I'm not doing the meals.

Like I've not been told about dinner or something.

I mean, I love food! That's the annoying thing, I'm always eating.

If someone said to me,

"You have to either give up food or give up sex,"

I'd say, "No, I don't." And that would be the end of that, I think.

Not falling for that one again, wife.

It's just my metabolism, I've got an unbelievably fast metabolism.

By the time you've asked for the bill, I've shat it.

Half the time, in restaurants, they don't even know I've been there.

I sometimes wish I had a bit more of a big thing I did at the start,

I'm just not very rock'n'roll

and you get to a stage in life, you've got to admit it.

I can never pull it off.

You look at these rock stars, just the attitude, you know?

Rihanna - "make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world."

I know, what a peculiar thing to wish for!

What a lonely existence - "the only girl in the world" - that's it!

It's just you.

What happens to any netball or hockey teams you're part of? They're gone!

It's pretty rough on people that have been training to get fit for the new season.

You're going to the toilet on your own,

a lot of women find that a confronting situation.

If you've got a niece, she's dead and so it goes on, you know?

Yes, this is the reality of the world that Rihanna has conjured up!

The more you think about it, the more you wonder

whether Rihanna's thought through of the repercussions of this lonely,

bitter existence.

God, I find it really unattractive this, "I want to be the only one.

"Not just the best - I'm the ONLY girl."

It's horrible, she's meant to be a sex symbol. I don't find that sexy -

that narcissism.

If I were with a girl and she said,

"I want to be the ONLY girl in the world."

I'd say, "I could do better than that. I'll make you feel like the only PERSON in the world.

"Get in the cupboard, let's see how you like it then?

"While I'm shoving bread through the keyhole,

"you may find that solitude loses its charm."

I'm looking forward to meeting Rihanna at some point so I can run this past her.

They're all, Beyonce again - "I don't think you're ready for this,

"my body's too bootylicious for you."

Is it? You don't even know me!

I think I'll be the judge

of my bootyliciousness threshold, thank you.

As I sang in my much-less-successful follow-up single.

I wish that, if I walked out and I was rock star it'd be much more,

or anything, a celebrity chef, you get celebrity chefs these days

that's the, comedians are a lower status than them.

I say I like food but I'm clearly not as into food as some people,

I watched one of these, one of these programmes, not MasterChef,

but similar sort of thing, and this guy was nearly in tears,

not a competitor - a judge,

just cos this pastry hadn't worked out as well as hoped,

he was saying to have pastry,

filo pastry as crumbly as that, is a crime.

Yeah, exactly, I couldn't help thinking "Not technically, though."

LAUGHTER

I mean, you'd certainly be surprised in jail to meet someone,

"Killed my mother-in-law, mowed down three passers-by, you?"

"Very flaky pastry, I just, it was all over."

"Get away from me, you animal!"

It's, I'm slightly sort of dazed, I've just come back,

this is true, this might sound like a set up,

but I've just been to the Euros, I've just come back from Ukraine,

so it was quite fun, I do recommend going, if you're a sports fan,

but it's odd, there's a lot of regression,

I'm a football fan, I'm not an aggressive person,

a lot of England fans were already angry, hadn't even started yet.

I was next to this guy that was going, "Why can't we...

"We invented the game," this was his thing all through the game,

"This is a disgrace, we invented the game!

"Can't even win the World Cup!"

That's not really a good attitude to have,

cos we invented a lot of things in this country,

but other countries will catch up in the end,

we invented the sandwich,

but, inevitably, other countries will get there in the end.

You don't go to Holland and find people with bread in one hand,

ham in the other.

"Well, I'm buggered if we know where we go from here!"

"Shove the whole thing in my ears and we'll hope for the best."

We invented the flushing toilet but you don't go abroad

and find people shitting by the side of the road...

Well, France, maybe, anyway I, erm...

CHEERING Thank you, you're going to have a really good night,

thanks for this, my name is Mark Watson, bye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Please welcome Marlon Davis!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS Yes, good evening!

CHEERING

Ooh, well, yes.

First and foremost, what you can actually see is that I got this face.

People are laughing!

I tell people I do comedy, they're like, "I can tell."

"What you mean by that?" "You got a funny face."

That's not a compliment at all, is it?

It's not. I'm aware of what kind of face that I have,

it's a friendly face. Yeah, it isn't the face of authority.

I couldn't be your boss at work

like, "Why you late?" "Come on, now..."

Got a round face.

I'm aware of it, d'you know what I mean?

As well as having this face, I got this voice as well.

Yeah, it means I'm not intimidating whatsoever. Look at this,

you got a front row down here, no-one's scared of me whatsoever.

I'm a comedian, I got a microphone in my hand, no-one cares.

This is how it is. I grew up in the ghetto, I couldn't rob no-one.

I tried!

"Yo, gimme your money!" "Come on, now..."

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS

"He looks like Arnold from Different Strokes, come on!"

"Give me YOUR money(!)"

I'm like, "I'm serious!" "'Course you are(!)"

"Look at his cheeks! Don't you want to pinch his cheeks?"

It wasn't the life for me, I had to go out and get a real job.

Make some noise if you've got a job.

AUDIENCE CHEER

Still got one, but you still have those people in your workplace,

you know what I'm talking about, people at home know what I'm talking about.

You get those annoying people in your workplace, don't you?

If you don't have annoying people at work, it's you. You're the one...

at work that everybody hates. They always say they're leaving.

"I'm leaving." Well fucking leave. You've been saying that for ever.

They don't go. I used to work in an office before I used to do this.

What used to annoy me the most was birthdays.

Not the fact that it was someone's birthday,

it's just the big hoo-hah in the office.

They come round your workstation like they're ninjas.

HE HUMS

"What?" "You need to put a pound in the envelope for Karen."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're like, "Who the fuck's Karen?"

"She works downstairs. Quickly sign the card before she comes back from lunch.

"It's a surprise."

It's not a surprise.

Everyone in the workplace gets a birthday card on their birthday.

That's not a surprise.

A surprise would be if the boss came out and did a shit on her desk.

That would be a surprise.

It would be childish, but that's just what I am.

Every year you get told you've got to be a bit more mature.

Marks and Spencer's is calling me every year. It's like a magnet.

I'm repelling cos I don't want to be like that.

But something happens in your life.

What happened to me is I got a little baby. I got a little baby boy.

It's amazing.

When I first found out I'm having a baby boy, I told the whole world.

"I'm having a boy." They're like, "What are you going to call him?"

Everyone's got suggestions of what you should call your baby.

"Why don't you call your baby George?"

I've got an uncle called George. I don't even like him. I'm not calling my baby George.

"What about Alfie?"

I was like, "What black man you ever met in your life is called Alfie?"

"What about Mugabe then?"

Now you're taking the piss. I can't call my baby Mugabe.

You can't get into nursery with that name.

I said, "When he comes out, he'll have a name that fits him."

Some people have names that fit them.

All Traceys look like Traceys, don't they?

And Nigels. That's a Nigel. You know when it's a Nigel.

And all police look racist, it's just...it's just what it is.

But he came out and we called him Kayden.

I remember the first time I was in the hospital and I held him in my arms for the first time.

I was like, "Wow, I've got to work for the rest of my entire life."

He looked back at me and was like, "You've got a round face."

LAUGHTER

He didn't say it, he did that. I know exactly what that is.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Marlon Davis. Wonderful. APPLAUSE

Nice one.

Marlon Davis, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh! Funny, isn't he?

Isn't he good? Having a good night so far?

CHEERING

Brilliant. Next up we have a guy called Pat Cahill.

Pat has been doing very well for himself.

He was a finalist in the BBC New Comedy Awards.

He's just won New Act Of The Year Award and Chortle Best Newcomer Award.

In fact, he's getting so cocky, he's not actually here.

Apparently he's just nipped out to get some chicken.

-Chicken.

-Yeah, go on then.

-Nice.

Arete de...

# So I went to my local chicken shop, right, just to get some chicken

# Vous etes des animaux

# Nothing flash, just your average household chicken

# Vous etes des animaux

# There was 365 different types and I got stressed.

# Vous etes des animaux

# Spoke to a lovely man called Keith and this is what happened.

-# Vous etes des animaux

-Hi, my name's Keith, how can I help?

# Hello, Keith, just like some chicken, please

# What kind of chicken would you like, sir?

# Just your average household chicken, please

# We've got 365 different types Why don't you have a look at the menu?

# Where is the menu, Keith?

# It's on the counter and the walls and all around you It's everywhere.

-# What d'you mean, everywhere, Keith?

-Vous allez crever

# Fried chicken, diced chicken, Italian herb and spice chicken

# Thin chicken, fat chicken I can't eat any more of that chicken

# New chicken, old chicken, covered in a layer of mould, chicken

# Good chicken, great chicken,

# Carrying a little bit of weight chicken

# Chicken breast, chicken leg Chicken wing, chicken egg

# Chicken neck, chicken back Chicken pussy, chicken crack

# Hey little chicken why so sad because you're carrying a heavy load?

# Well come on let me deep fry your tits off

# And I'll carry you across the road

# What I'm trying to say Keith

# Is we've just got to strip it back to basics

# Just get a bucket stick it on the counter

# And fill it up with some chicken drumsticks

DRUM ROLL

# I'm sorry, Keith, that was cheap maybe just a chicken wing

# And a chicken leg in a cardboard box You got that, Keith? Good

# Everybody in the shop got that? Join in when you're ready!

# Chicken wing chicken leg Cardboard box

# There's too much chicken All together now!

# Chicken wing chicken leg Cardboard box

# There's too much chicken

# Come on, Keith!

# Chicken wing chicken leg Cardboard box

# There's too much chicken

# Everybody sing! Chicken wing chicken leg Cardboard box

# There's too much chicken. #

Pat Cahill's here!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Sorry ladies and gentlemen I'm just having a spot of chicken but, um...

LAUGHTER

..I'm on now so I better put my nuggets away.

Yes, this is a hands-free microphone stand.

Manufactured entirely from a coat hanger, thank you, thank you.

Why? Well, I suppose it's a combination of two things,

little bit too much spare time, and a coat hanger.

You know we've all got a lot of spare time at the moment,

it's a double dip recession and we're all chasing work,

so how do we get out of it?

In my view, you've got to diversify.

Fingers in pies, you see not only is this a hands-free microphone stand

manufactured entirely from a coat hanger,

it's also the flagship product in my new business strategy,

the company is called, get this, Things That Are Now Other Things.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. There's this and there's three other products.

There's a jar of jam what is now a jar of coins.

There's a jar of coins what's now one pound,

and one pound what's now another jar of jam.

It's perfect. It pays for itself.

It's called the Jam Sandwich, take notes.

If that doesn't kick off it's OK, you've just got to have fall-back plans, haven't you?

The next thing is Things Inside Other Things.

Now this is a cracker. This is a laundrette with a pub in it.

Think about it, a laundrette with a pub in it, a nice business strategy.

I like a normal laundrette where you sit there with your ten-year-old copy of Grazia

trying to squeeze out some joy or you go home and come back.

No, in this one you put your washing in, and then you go to the bar and socialise.

Bloody good idea, no? That's what I thought.

Till someone pointed out the one fatal flaw in my plan,

when have you ever walked into a laundrette and thought,

"These are my kind of people."

LAUGHTER

Here he is, smelly Bob over here never washed any clothes in his life,

he's only here for the warmth, bless him, and who's this?

It's crying Susan.

# Crying Susan, crying Susan. #

Repeatedly washing the clothes of her ex-husband, and who's this?

Oh, it's desperate Alan, cramming too many duvets into that washing machine, aren't you, Alan?

Why? Cos you're very, very poor, bless you.

Come on everybody, let's go to the bar and sort it out with some Jager Bombs.

No, it's a terrible idea, terrible idea.

It's Things That Are Now Other Things, not Things Inside Other Things,

unless you're talking about cooking cos then it could work.

Give us a cheer if you've ever heard of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall?

CHEER Yeah, well he did a couple of Christmases ago a wonderful recipe

things inside other things, he did a bird within a bird within a bird within a bird.

A turkey with a chicken in it, a chicken with a pheasant in it

and a pheasant with a partridge in it.

I was very impressed by Hugh,

but I wasn't going to be outdone,

so I sent him my recipe for a bird within a bird within a bird bird.

Turkey, chicken, partridge, pheasant, pigeon.

He wasn't happy sent me a recipe back,

bird within a bird within... Anyway won't bore you with the process,

this e-mail conversation went on for about six months, I'll just tell you where we ended up.

There was a turkey with a chicken in it,

a chicken with a pheasant in it, a pheasant with a partridge in it,

partridge with a pigeon in it, pigeon with a black bird in it,

black bird with a song thrush in it, song thrush with a starling in it,

starling with a house sparrow in it, house sparrow with a robin in it,

robin with a wren in it, a wren with a hummingbird in it,

hummingbird with a moth in it, moth with a bumblebee in it, bumblebee with a wasp in it,

wasp with a honeybee in it, a honeybee with a ladybird in it,

a ladybird with a flying ant in it, a flying an with an ear wig in it,

an ear wig with a fruit fly, a fruit fly with a green fly, a green fly with a flea in it,

a flea with a head louse in it and a head louse with a crab in it.

APPLAUSE

We put it in the oven for eight-and-a-half hours,

took it out, it was disgusting, it was like eating evolution.

Should have stuck to the original plan Things What Are Now Other Things,

so I did a chicken and jam omelette.

Cos in that you got a chicken that used to be an egg

and an omelette that used to be edible until you put the jam in it

that used to be coins, that used to be pounds, Things That Are Now Other Things!

"Welcome to Dragon's Den. What's your three-year strategy?"

First year - break even.

Second year - break down.

Third year - break wind, and break into Duncan Bannantyne's house.

LAUGHTER

And if that doesn't kick off,

you have to other fall-back plans.

My final business strategy is straightforward -

kidnapping.

LAUGHTER

All you got to do is pick a group of vulnerable young women,

and stick them in the back of your car.

Just make sure you drive a pink stretch limousine.

That way, when they start screaming,

people just think it's a rowdy hen party.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

It's a tidy little earner to see you through.

Don't make the mistake I did - to kidnap a real hen party.

In that situation, you very quickly become the vulnerable one yourself.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much. I've been Pat Cahill. Have a wonderful night.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Michelle De Swarte!

APPLAUSE

Woh! What is gwanning, people?

If you're not bilingual, hello. How are you?

I think if you can translate

a hardcore Jamaican ragga tune

to white, middle-class friends, you're bilingual.

Simple as that, man.

So, I'm mixed race.

I have a white, Jewish mum,

who calls me all the time.

And I have a black, Jamaican dad who doesn't call enough.

LAUGHTER AND CLAPPING

Someone's clapping up there.

Definitely not my dad - I know that much.

LAUGHTER

It's funny, though, man.

Being Jewish and Jamaican, I get on stage

with all the confidence of a black comedian.

I'm like, "I can do this!"

And then leave with all the angst of a Jewish one.

"Was it funny? Did they like me?

"Is it dusty in here?"

But I do get asked a lot if I'm really Jewish.

Which cracks me up,

cos I'm like, "Do you know how hard it is to find kosher jerk chicken?"

LAUGHTER

No-one lies about being Jewish, man!

Do you know what I mean?

No-one lies about that, man.

But I think, when you're mixed race,

people get this idea in their head

that your mum and dad probably met at a protest...

LAUGHTER

..made sweet love, down by the fire,

listening to Ebony & Ivory.

It's romantic, right? It's nice.

But that weren't the case, OK?

I asked my dad this, and he put it straight.

He went, "No, Mich. Actually,

"I was drunk, and your mum likes big, black cock."

LAUGHTER

For real.

The letters "BBC" have never looked the same since.

LAUGHTER

It's deep, man.

I sound mixed race, right?

But I can't say it with total confidence,

cos I grew up in the '80s,

and I used to call myself "half-caste".

-CLAPPING

-Don't clap it up, man.

Cos then a memo was sent out,

around the early '90s.

I got mine a little bit late.

Not as late as some footballers.

I got mine a little bit late,

and that memo said that half-caste is now a derogatory term.

Guys, there is nothing worse than someone telling you

what you've been calling yourself is racist.

LAUGHTER

Do you know what I mean?

And it makes it hard to like embrace these new terms, cos I'm convinced

that I'm causing my future self offence.

Like it's only a matter of time before someone goes,

"So what colour are you?"

I'll go, "I'm mixed raced man, and they go, "Oh, no, no, no.

"It's called 'colour merge' now."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know what I mean? But it's nice to see you guys, man.

It looks like there's like a lot of couples in here,

which is reassuring for me,

cos I don't really think we've got dating culture in this country.

We've got drinking culture.

CHEERING

Yes, wooh! I think that cancels out dating culture.

In this country what we do is we go out, we get lashed,

-we bang our mate's mate.

-LAUGHTER

We wake up next to them in the morning, we look at them, and go,

"Are you the sort of person I want to take out for dinner?"

Then you think, "Nah.

"Not really."

You know what I mean?

When I do go out though, it does take me ages to get ready

and guys always give us grief about this, don't they?

I don't think men realise,

that when us girls are not getting any action, we don't shave,

at all.

LAUGHTER

If I took off my clothes now,

I'd look like I was smuggling the Jackson Five.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's deep.

You know you're hairy when you take two Bic razors in the bath with you.

No joke. When I get out the bath, it looks like a swamp.

There's an inch-thick layer of hair at the top.

There's alligators swimming through that.

There' s flamingos sweeping down. There's a redneck,

on a speedboat with a propeller at the back,

just driving around the top going, "You ain't from round here",

like it's a hog mess.

Sometimes, what I like to do is use my body hair

-as a modern-day chastity belt.

-LAUGHTER

I'll go, "Mich, you know what you're like when you go on a first date..

"Leave that, cos you'll be too embarrassed to break it out.

-LAUGHTER

-But it never works,

cos come four in the morning, you're dry-humping some geezer

on a sofa,

you got to break it out to him.

You got to let him know what's going on.

What I like to do is just say, "Do you like the '70s?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what I mean?

That breaks it in, and most guys are willing to go retro

for a one night stand, do you know what I mean?

And it's all good, but then,

it's like, "Cool."

But I've heard my guy mates chatting in a pub,

when they've slept with a girl like me who's let her bits get unruly.

They're like, "Oh yeah, she was nice, she was fit,

"but, flipping hell, when I took her knickers off,

"she looked like she had Bob Marley in a leg lock".

-LAUGHTER

-You lot have been wicked.

My name's Michelle De Swarte, thanks a lot.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Michelle De Swarte, ladies and gentlemen. Come on!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How funny, funny.

Coming up now. a man who was born and raised in Dublin

You might have seen him recently on Live at the Apollo,

Later, he'll be on BBC Three with a new series of his own

called Conspiracy Roadtrip.

Please give it up for the brilliant Andrew Maxwell!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yay!

CHEERING

So, what a big year! What a big year.

The Olympics in Stratford, East London.

CHEERING Yeah!

Sydney, Beijing, Seoul,

Los Angeles, Stratford.

APPLAUSE

The Olympics... HE LAUGHS

..in East London,

the gunfire capital of Western Europe.

What could go wrong?

HE LAUGHS

What could go wrong?

HE LAUGHS

Here's something I thought of. Here's one thing.

Exactly which gunshot will the 100 meters begin on?

LAUGHTER

Everybody knows why the Olympics is in East London,

because it's such a sporting part of the world(!)

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS

I was watching during the riots.

They were interviewing this fat little white boy.

He was with his big fat mammy,

and he was there, this little fat kid, he was about ten.

He had a tracksuit. He was almost as wide as he was tall,

like a sausage in a tracksuit, this little fat thing.

He was on the BBC news. "The police are overrun, they cannot cope."

I'm looking at this, and thinking, "How can you not catch him?"

LAUGHTER

How can you not catch Greggs - the Boy?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Big events, people It's a big event, the Olympics.

It's big. It's a big thing.

We got big events in Ireland,

we had Barack Obama visited Ireland last year.

CHEERING

Oh, yes! We had Barack Obama and he was supported by Jedward.

LAUGHTER

It's true.

I actually had people going nuts at me.

"Why are Jedward supporting Barack Obama?"

People actually getting really angry at me.

I'm like, "Relax! It's a security issue."

LAUGHTER

"Jedward are the only two Irishmen alive

"we can GUARANTEE are not in the IRA".

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You better believe it, people, you better believe it.

You try and get a balaclava over that business.

LAUGHTER

I met them recently for the first time, Jedward.

I have got to say, they are absolute sweethearts. But it is not an act.

Oh, they are a pair of crayon-eaters.

You can't leave them alone with the crayons.

Good. And the Euros have started.

Do you like the footballing life, people?

Do you like football? CHEERING

You are enjoying it? I do.

I commend you, English people, for once,

you are finally taking a leaf out of the Irish tournament book.

Lower your expectations.

Lower them.

Lower.

Lower.

Yeah, then you will enjoy your life.

When Ireland qualifies for a major sporting tournament,

we don't think we are going to win!

Our media isn't going, "We're going to win, we're going to win!"

We are just like, "We are there! we are there! We are there!"

"Look at us. Look at us!"

"Look at our rainbow of colours, all laughing and having fun together."

The world is a mess, people!

We need to learn to get along.

Or at least all hate the Olympics together.

We need to get along. The world's a mess.

It is all men's fault. Right?

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yes!

It is all men's fault. We have made a mess of it.

We have made a mess of this world. You ladies, clean it up.

APPLAUSE

Clean it up!

Yep!

Go in peace, Hackney. See you later, thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Andrew Maxwell!

Having fun? We should do this every week.

This next man was born in England,

then he spent one year in India,

then he went to Saudi Arabia...

-CHEERING

-Thanks.

Then he went to America, and he is back in London again tonight.

Please welcome Arnab Chanda.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. How are you? All right.

Enjoying the weather?

All right. Party(!)

Here is a tip though,

as it gets warmer and warmer.

Remember, it is really hard to make an angry exit

when you are wearing flip-flops.

When I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with another man, I was irate.

But to them, my exit just seemed summery.

But you guys probably already know that.

I do like it when people say to me, "Tell me something I don't know."

Whenever somebody says that to me

I'm like, "You are going to be dead in less than 24 hours."

Then I skip away.

I am slightly obsessed with death. How can you not be?

Right? I think when I die I want a bench made.

ISOLATED LAUGHTER Thank you.

And one other guy, weirdly.

I want a bench erected in a park in my memory.

Because, and this may be weird,

but even now, I like it when strangers sit on me and fart.

Is that weird?

But no, I am not an optimistic person.

I am not an optimistic person.

You know that button on Google.com, I am feeling lucky?

I have never clicked that.

One day. One day.

I like to laugh, though. It is good, it is one of my favourite things.

People like to laugh, that is good.

I do not know if this has ever happened to you,

the other day I was eating breakfast,

and I laughed so hard that milk came out of my nipples.

Anyone else? Just me.

Just me. OK.

I wish I was...

That would be a cool superhero thing to have.

Milk coming out of my nipples.

My favourite superhero though is Superman.

Always has been, always will be. I love Superman.

I like how Superman is able to go back in time

just by spinning the world backwards.

Like, I can't even imagine, like,

fathom the effort and energy that must take.

Because like one time I tried pushing a revolving door

in the opposite direction of where it was supposed to go.

And, like, honestly, between you and me, like, I couldn't do it.

Superman II, that was my favourite film growing up as a kid.

One of the worst films, Superman III. Strangely.

And if you have not seen it,

Superman turns evil.

Yes. Superman turns evil.

What's weird is the way in which they show that Superman turns evil -

is, uh...he becomes a bit rapey.

Just becomes a little bit of a sex pest.

Sits down on a couch and nearly takes advantage of a woman.

Luckily he doesn't. He snaps out of it and he leaves.

But what is weird, and this is the weird part -

the next evil thing he does is he flies to Italy

and straightens the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Here, writers of Superman III, you can't trump rape.

Once you've thrown rape out there... Plus, straightening the Leaning Tower of Pisa,

that doesn't even seem that evil, really.

It is like, "Hey, you know that building

"that is always dangerously close to collapsing on somebody's head?

"Superman straightened it."

"What? What the fuck is that guy's problem, man?!"

"Dude, I know, he is a dick!"

That's it from me. You guys have been very nice. Have a wonderful evening. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Arnab Chanda, everybody!

I urge all of you here tonight at the Hackney Empire and everybody watching at home,

if there is someone you have seen tonight

and you thought, "My God, they are brilliant",

go and find out more about them, go and see them live.

Doc Brown is our next man who is coming out on stage tonight.

He is very funny. He began his career as a battle rapper.

You know, with the competing in the live rap battles.

And so did I. I used to be a battle rapper.

Sorry, no, I worked at Top Man. I get that wrong every time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Doc Brown is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hackney. Always a pleasure, man.

Always a pleasure being at the centre of Hackney.

I actually moved to Hackney myself back in the year 2002.

BH.

Before hipsters.

That was back in the day when walking through Hackney

with loafers with no socks and an ironic moustache

could still get you shot.

It was a simpler time.

But you know, it's always... It is the diversity of Hackney,

being a born and bred Londoner myself,

it's the diversity I love, man.

I love it. It is beautiful.

Always makes me feel at home.

It is weird in this job, travelling around, city to city,

different country sometimes,

I hate being in those cities where I actually have to ask the question.

I have to go up to a stranger and ask.

Like, "Excuse me, where do you keep your blacks?"

"You know, your, uh... your black people.

"Where...? Where are they?"

"Where are they?"

"Before you start pointing to that one across the road, he's with me."

Diversity, for me, is like, it's second nature,

this is what I'm all about.

I'm not from Hackney, I'm from Kilburn,

Kilburn in north-west London.

Or north Wheezy if you've got problems.

It's diverse.

Traditionally, if you don't know the area,

traditionally it's a very Irish, Jamaican area.

I would have loved to have been around

when they came up with that concept as well.

Tell you what, let's get two of the tiniest islands in the world,

with two of the craziest inhabitants.

Stick them together, see what happens.

As it turns out, a lot of sex.

A lot of sex.

Rivers of Guinness.

Children that look like me.

I've been lucky enough, to be part of the generation I am,

I've never experienced any serious prejudice growing up in the UK.

It's been beautiful.

However, the Iro-Caribbean community that preceded me...

That's my terminology, take that one with you.

Yes, the Iro-Caribbean community that preceded me,

they put up with a lot of shit I never had to deal with.

Back in the late '50s, early '60s,

you'd see certain shops, certain lodgings,

the odd nightclub even, that had hand-drawn posters in the window.

It would say, "No Blacks, no Irish, no Dogs."

I'm serious, this is history.

Obviously, things have improved massively today.

Not so much for dogs.

Uh, but you know,

having not experienced that direct level of injustice,

imagine me as a youngster, I was always fascinated by it.

Being a youngster and being a wannabe rapper as well,

I was always on the lookout for injustice,

it made for a good lyric, you know what I mean?

Trust me, there were times

when I felt like it was like me against the world.

In those moments, you've always got to remember it's not you,

it's them, OK?

HE RAPS: Because when you're down and out and you're really up against it,

just remember the basics.

It's a mantra, repeatedly say this.

You're not a loser, it's just everybody's racist.

Yeah, that's right, I said it.

Why do you think nobody ever gave you any credit.

Why you lost on the list of your doctor's patients,

chronological or is your surgery racist?

What type of dog shits on the pavement in front of your house?

Alsatian? Racist.

Say you're typing in a search engine,

trying to write haterz with a Z at the end.

Your computer goes, did you mean haters?

That's how you know Google's racist.

How come every time an igloo's made, it's always white?

And Eskimos? Racist.

Tonight you know the truth at its plainest.

You car won't start? Engine, racist.

Your team don't pick you, these guys, racist.

Jeans don't fit you? Levi's, racist.

If you can't lose weight, every time you try it,

I guarantee your diet is racist.

On your birthday, it rained in places.

Fuck the clouds, the whole sky is racist.

You go on iPod, shuffle in the play list,

it ain't picked reggae in a while? Racist.

How come every time you get to the queue,

you're the last in the queue?

Dude, that queue's racist.

Then when you get to the front, the staff say, hey, thanks for waiting.

That's racist.

The whole Post Office are skanks,

why do you think they try to sell you second-class stamps?

Two words - institutional racism.

You go to Nando's, suddenly they make chicken.

You might want couscous or just soup.

Too late, man, they already charged you.

When you're down and out and you're really up against it,

just remember the basics.

It's a mantra, repeatedly say this,

you're not a loser, it's just everybody's racist.

Hackney, thank you very much.

Doug Brown, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah!

I love that. Love it.

Our next comic has worked with Michael McIntyre.

No biggie, so have I.

No, I didn't, I went to Top Man, did it again.

Almost ten years ago, she entered a comedy contest

called the Hackney Empire New Act Competition.

Ten years ago. She's back tonight to find out if she's won.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Ava Vidal.

Hello. Thanks, Chris, no, I didn't win.

I did work with Michael McIntyre, I did the Michael McIntyre Show,

and that led to nothing.

It's one of those things you do and your friends

get more excited than you do.

My friend's like, "My God, you did McIntyre's show.

"Have things changed?" I'm like, "Yeah, for McIntyre, not for me!

He actually sold out the O2 Arena over five nights.

That's huge, selling out the O2.

Just last week,

O2 refused to give me a contract phone, so...

LAUGHTER

Ten years in, this is how it's going.

Doing that show got me into a lot of problems with my family,

with my daughter.

My daughter was very angry with me for speaking about her.

The thing is, my daughter's nearly 18-years-old now.

And you know when you meet people in life that are fucked up,

and you're like, "What happened to you?" They go, "My parents!"

Because my daughter's 18, I just want her to go.

LAUGHTER

But I'm worried because I don't want her out in the world,

slagging me off, so I thought I'd get a little disclaimer going.

I sat down and went, "Listen, do you think I've been a good mother?"

And she said, "No." I said, "Why?" And she goes,

"You're an idiot. You're embarrassing.

"You go on TV telling stupid jokes about me.

"You went on TV and you told people

"that I was fat."

Now, I did do that!

Hilarious!

LAUGHTER

She doesn't see it that way. But it amazes me...

it amazes me how many people actually believe me.

I had people that e-mail me to this day and go, "Hi, Ava.

"How are you? How's your fat daughter?"

If my daughter was fat, I would not go on TV and say it.

If my daughter was fat, I wouldn't keep her. It wouldn't be an issue.

LAUGHTER

So I said to her, "What's it going to take

"for you to get over it?" She goes, "I won't get over it.

"You're a liar!" Blah-blah.

I was like, "Please, just tell me something."

What she actually did was she went out and got some

professional photographs taken and blown up to poster size,

and I was going away to do some shows and she handed me

this envelope and I looked in it and went, "What's this?"

She went, "Here, Mum. Take these to your gigs.

"Show the people."

I was like, "Baby, I will, I will!"

I won't.

Because she's not fat, but, ohh,

she's fucking ugly and there's no need...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No need to put innocents through that.

I have another child who's now upset. I've got a son.

I've a 13-year-old son and he's really quite angry.

He's like, "You go on TV and talk about my sister.

"You don't talk about me. People don't even know you got two kids."

I'm like, "No, I make that quite clear.

"I've always said in my comedy I've got two children..."

"..that I know of!" (Yeah!)

LAUGHTER

That was unnecessary. I actually saw a male comedian do that once.

I thought it was cool. Just realised it doesn't work the other way round, so...

I'm going to stop doing it.

Listen, you've been fantastic. I've been Ava Vidal.

Thank you very much. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ava Vidal, ladies and gentlemen.

All right. We're going to go for it, OK?

The next act might be a bit of a whirlwind. Please strap yourself in.

If you're sitting at home, remove any hot drinks away from your lap.

Ladies and gentlemen, go crazy nuts. It's Mr Jason Byrne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh...

Hello! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Holy shit! I am Irish.

Irish people here? "Yay!" OK.

CHEERING Thank you!

Open the ceiling near the bars, well done, that's good.

But anyway, I have got a mammy and... You call them mammies here, yeah?

CHEERING Do you call... Oh, my God,

the atmosphere in here is fucking electric, isn't it?

LAUGHTER "Do you call them mammy?" "Yeah, we call them mammies, JUST MOVE ON!"

"We need to do the wee-wees, Jason, we need to do the wee-wees!"

Now I have a mammy, all right? HE LAUGHS

They're unbeliev... They're so important. They're amazing.

Cos when I was a kid, it was unbelievable.

When you were in a house growing up in the '70s and the '80s, right,

it was your father that you were terrified of, right?

Cos he was the big, loud fella with the huge fists, right,

that's the guy you were frightened of, yeah?

But he never, ever laid a finger on you.

It was the mad bitch dwarf that beat the shit out of you.

Chasing you around the house. You making it worse by laughing

as she chased you, just going, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!

"Get away from me, you mad bitch!" HE LAUGHS

And she said the same thing every time.

She'd grab a hold of you and go, "Wait till your father gets home,

"he's going to kill you, kill you, your father is going to kill you!

"Put your leg across the table. You're dead when he comes in!"

She's only this size! Terrifying.

And do you know what she did, cos young people won't even get this...

She used to take off her slipper... You have slippers here, yeah?

Anyway, right.

She'd take off her slipper.

But in the '70s and the '80s, it wasn't a soft shoe.

Cos women in those days had a kind of a weird sandal

that squashed their toes up all miserable and horrible.

And it had a hard cork shell on the end of it, right.

Like if mothers weren't miserable enough,

they had to walk around in these horrible shoes.

Trying to carry 14 bags of shopping.

The hate is unbelievable inside them.

They're unreal. So my mum, right...

You'd just be sitting watching the telly and you'd say something,

and she'd take off her shoe and just throw it at your head.

That's illegal now, yeah?

You'd be sitting there with half your head open.

And your mother would look at you and say the most scary thing ever.

She'd go, "Bring it back."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"WHAT?!"

"Bring it back. Pick it up and bring it over here."

You'd have to pick up the slipper and bring it over to her very slightly.

Be like handing a psychopath a shotgun. "Just bring it in."

Just lift it in like that,

just give it to her. Because you knew what was going to happen.

Cos she'd go, "I won't hit you, I won't hit you."

And you'd give her the slipper and she'd go, "Run! RUN!"

"Zigzag! Zigzag! Make it gamey! Make it gamey, you little shit!

"Make it gamey!"

And then, when your father arrived in in the car after work,

up the drive, she went ballistic. "Here he is!

"Here he is!"

"You're dead now. You're dead! Your father's home!

"He's going to kill you! You're dead. Where's me flamethrower?!"

IMITATES FLAMETHROWER "YOU'RE DEAD!"

Your dad would walk into the room, the newspaper under his arm.

"What the...?"

You're sitting on the couch with your brothers and sisters, all bruised.

Bits of hair missing, clothes torn.

HE IMITATES GROANING

"Mum said you were going to kill us."

LAUGHTER

But he didn't do anything. Your dad didn't care.

He just walked straight past you, went to the toilet

and had a shit. Right?

Cos that's what your dad's job was - working and pooing. That's what he did.

And it's... HE LAUGHS

It's great, cos I've got kids. How many people have got kids?

SCATTERED CHEERING Seven. Right.

LAUGHTER I love the British,

it's great, cos yous are, yous are as miserable as the Irish.

It's fantastic, yeah?

When you want to join in with stuff, "Yeah! Yeah. Yeah..."

Cos, like, Irish are a nation of begrudgers and so are you.

It's unreal. Like, if somebody... HE LAUGHS

If somebody in America gets a new car or a new job, yeah,

they're really happy. I've been there, I've seen it, right.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: "Oh, my God, totally got a new job,

"let's have a barbeque."

"Did you get a new car? He got a new car! That's fantastic!"

LAUGHTER

Like, here... HE LAUGHS

"I got a new car." "Did you? I hope you crash it."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Miserable...

But it's weird, yeah. Cos the kids these days, I'm looking out at you.

It's so different when I was a kid, do you know what I mean? As the mammies used to watch us.

But, like, there is no Wii or Nintendo that could ever

replace the fun you had as a kid when I was as kid, right?

Cos kids just don't really get out any more.

They just sit inside. IMITATES MOANING

HE LAUGHS

Just don't walk outside!

When I was a kid, like, girls were segregated from boys.

Unbelievable, right?

Girls were playing weird games when I was a kid.

They'd put elastic bands around their ankles

and make weird shapes with each other, right? Really weird stuff.

And they'd also be able to get balls and throw them against the wall

and just go, "Throwing balls against a wall, balls against a wall, balls against a wall."

And then out of nowhere,

while doing that, they could stop and turn to a girl beside them and go,

"A sailor went to sea, sea, sea to see what she could see, see, see.

"Sea, sea, sea, sea, sea. Balls, balls, elastic bands,

"elastic bands, sea, sea, sea, balls, balls.

APPLAUSE Right?!

And...

And what did blokes do then? We were so simple.

It was literally a game like this. "Nearest to the ground

"is the winner!"

LAUGHTER "No!

"I'm nearer!" "No way!" "Oh, I'm definitely nearer!"

Or another common thing to do to tease the girls

was I would run into the girls' area with poo on the end of a stick.

It's the best fun ever. "Poo on a stick! Poo on a stick!"

But I'll just... HE LAUGHS

I'll just finish on this. Cos this is...

I've gigged all over the world, and every time I show this, the whole world agree with this.

But this is the most frightening thing to ever see your mother doing.

While you're out the back garden

playing with your brother or sister, OK,

and both of you are just having a little bit of fun together.

And then you, right outside the kitchen window, in the garden,

you punch your sister and she starts to scream, crying, yeah?

Well, out of nowhere, this is the most frightening thing to ever see your mother do from the house.

So you punch her, she goes, "Waaa!" and your mother, from the house...

KNOCK ON MIC

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Jason Byrne, thanks a million!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jason Byrne, ladies and gentlemen.

Brilliant.

That is it for tonight. You have been an amazing audience.

That's the end of the show, thank you for watching.

A huge thank you and round of applause to every one of our acts tonight.

-They've all been class.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you liked what you saw tonight, go to the BBC3 website,

there's more videos and exclusive content. Do it now.

I've been Chris Moyles. This has been my Comedy Empire.

-Till the next one, goodnight, Hackney!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd