John Bishop: The Sunshine Tour

This programme contains strong language.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show.

Thanks a lot for coming to this DVD recording

at the Liverpool Echo Arena.

Now, some of you have already begun to notice

that this isn't the real John Bishop.

It's a cartoon figure.

The truth is, the real John Bishop is a little bit nervous.

This tour got really big, the DVD's anticipated to be big,

so he's a bit too nervous to come out.

In fact, in all honesty, he's backstage, shitting himself.

So we just think the cartoon is a new way of doing comedy,

so we'll just crack on, eh?

Anyway, eh, you there, mate, yeah, yeah, yeah, you there in the front.

Yeah, you.

You with the mad hair and ugly wife.

Yeah, what's your name and where you from? What?

What's your name and where you from? What?

Look, it doesn't matter what your name is or where you're from,

all I was going to say is, you've got a crap name and where you live is shite.

Because that's what happens in comedy.

I ask you a question, you say something,

I just take the piss out of it and everyone laughs at you.

It's good, isn't it? Eh?

Got to be honest, this probably isn't working, is it?

And it's probably not the best idea I've ever had and the truth is,

if you've paid good money, you want to get what you paid for.

You want to get the real deal.

Otherwise it's like being a Chelsea supporter

watching Fernando Torres play.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome home to the Echo Arena stage,

it's Liverpool's own John Bishop!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

How are you, Liverpool?

First of all, I've got to apologise for the delay.

The lecky nearly blew up.

Honest to God, the Echo Arena have got two massive generators.

One that side and one that side.

And the one that side started smoking.

And everybody was thinking, "Oh, should we or shouldn't we?"

Then we thought "If it blows up, it might just kill the people there,

"which means if the cameras are pointing this way,

"the DVD will still look good".

So they've actually had to reroute it all

because somebody, obviously working at the Echo Arena,

has done that thing that everyone did on a council estate in the '70s.

They've drilled a little hole into the meter,

got a little bit of wire to stop the thing going around

and it's nearly blown up.

So I'm sorry for the delay,

but hopefully, it won't affect you too much.

Thanks for coming on a Monday night. Yeah, yeah.

On the last night.

Thank you for being here on the last night of what has got to be

the biggest tour and the maddest year of my life.

Thanks for being part of it.

The first night of this tour was in Sunderland.

The second night was in Ipswich because my promoter is a cock.

Unfortunately, all this is happening at the wrong time in my life,

because I'm in my forties now,

which means I'm like every man in this room in his forties,

I'm now a perv.

Now, I didn't think I was a perv.

Some of you are sat there thinking, "I'm not a perv."

You are a perv because some of the things you used to say

that was quite funny when you were in your twenties,

that was a little bit cheeky when you were in your twenties,

you say the same thing in your forties,

you end up with a restraining order because you sound like a perv.

I found this out on the first night of the tour

because I went to Sunderland.

I don't know if you've been to Sunderland, fantastic place.

Really, really good. Yeah, oh, it's brilliant. It is.

You should go no matter where you live, go to Sunderland.

Just get on a bus, go, get off. Five minutes.

You will love where you live after you've been to Sunderland.

It's great. Honestly, it's great.

If you've watched that programme, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding,

and thought, "I wonder what it would be like

if these all lived in one place?", it's Sunderland.

But a lovely venue. It was a great way of starting the tour

and I went up to Sunderland on the first night, a little bit nervous

because I know most people haven't seen me live before.

I did this venue called the Sunderland Empire. Fantastic venue.

The audience was brilliant. It was brilliant.

It was a standing ovation at the end.

I mean, that's up to yourselves. I'm just saying...

LAUGHTER

It was just lovely, is what I'm saying. So I come off.

Come off, I've got a hundred and odd dates ahead of me,

I come off stage,

my tour manager Alex and my driver David said

"we've got to get in the car,

"because we've got to start heading to Ipswich."

Because I don't know if anyone has ever tried to drive

from Sunderland to Ipswich in one go.

You can't do it, you've got to have a stopover in Narnia on the way.

"We've got to get in the car. It's going to take about seven hours."

I said, "There's no way I am getting in that car now."

I said, "I've just had a fantastic gig."

I said, "No way am I going to get in the car before I've had a drink."

So I walked out. Walked out of the Sunderland Empire.

There's a pub round the corner and I walked into this pub

and this is when I found out I was a perv,

because as I walked into the pub,

there was a gaggle of girls at the bar.

And you know what I mean by a gaggle of girls, a gang of girls.

You know you get gangs of girls going out, groups of them,

you know what I mean, packs of girls.

All going gaggle, gaggle, gaggle, gaggle.

You know what they're like. They go around in groups now, don't they?

And there's different groups amongst them,

the young ones and then there's the others.

LAUGHTER

The MILFs.

You know what I'm on about.

All those women who are 35 plus who go out in a big group now.

They're fucking scary, them, aren't they?

All the women who have seen and done everything,

who are all out for one big last night out

before the menopause hits them and they all get a beard.

God, they're terrifying, them,

because they are, they're like sailors in port for a night out.

They go, "Eh, you, get your cock out. Eh, eh!"

Well, it wasn't them.

I walked in. There was a group of girls stood at the bar.

Young girls, drinking blue stuff out of a bottle,

which is just wrong.

No, if it looks like it could be bubble bath, don't drink it.

So they're stood there drinking it and I walked in

and as I walked, in one of the girls just turned and went...

HIGH PITCHED SQUEAL

LAUGHTER

"I've just been to see you.

"You were brilliant!"

I've got to be honest with you, I didn't know what to do.

You know, because I'm not used to being recognised.

And also, I've been married 18 years.

It's a long time since I've seen an excited woman.

LAUGHTER

I couldn't get past her to get to the bar.

Every time I went, she was going...

HIGH PITCHED GIGGLE

I thought, I'll say something. I said, "Thanks for coming, love."

I said, "Who did you come with?

She said, "Oh, I came with all of my friends!

"They're my friends!"

Because that's what girls are like. Girls LOVE their friends.

If you was to say to a bloke, "Who did you come with?",

he'd go, "Oh, them knobheads."

LAUGHTER

"Tossers, don't know why I hang around with any of them."

But girls love their friends. "They're my friends!"

She said, "We all came out for my birthday weekend."

She said, "I was 18 on Friday...

"which means I'm legal now."

To which I instinctively said,

"To be honest with you, love, you were legal two years ago."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And she just looked at me,

with eyes full of disgust and disappointment,

like I was the randy uncle

who'd rubbed up against her at the wedding.

And she just went, "I meant to drink."

LAUGHTER

I have never felt more like a pervert in all of my life.

Short of saying, "Do you want to see the puppies in the van",

I couldn't have been more like a perv.

But a lot of my mates, they go, "Oh, it's probably changed for you,

"I bet your lads think you're cool because you do stuff on telly."

And it hasn't. I mean, this has,

without a doubt,

this has been a brilliant, brilliant year for me.

In fact, we've called this tour Sunshine,

because someone said to me "You're having a brilliant year.

"It's like your time in the sunshine,"

which is another way of saying it's not going to last.

LAUGHTER

And sometimes things pop up.

Things pop up that make you think, "Oh, that's a great opportunity."

I got a phone call,

it would've been, probably would've been about eight weeks ago,

got a phone call off someone saying, "Do you want to go on Top Gear?"

Which to be honest with you, when I was a teenager,

that was a very different phone call,

but it led to a very interesting weekend.

For those people who don't know,

Top Gear is a television programme about cars

presented by three men from the BNP.

So he says, "Do you want to go on Top Gear?"

Now, my lads love Top Gear.

Any dad in here with a son, you know that your whole thing in life now

is to not be a knob.

That's what it is.

Because when you've got a son, your son thinks you're a knob.

That's true. That's just the way it is.

Every son thinks his dad's a knob.

There's dads looking at me going, "My son doesn't think I'm a knob."

He does. He thinks you're a knob.

And you think, "No, he doesn't think I'm a knob."

Before we came we were in the garden.

I was kicking the ball, he was kicking it back.

But every time he kicked it back he was going,

"There you go, you fucking knob!"

LAUGHTER

It's just the natural order of things.

So all you've got to do is to try and not be a knob

for as long as possible.

So I thought, "This is an opportunity

"to not be a knob in front of my lads!"

I said, "I'd LOVE to go on Top Gear."

They said, "Right." So I went down.

They film it in this place called Guildford

and what happens is, you get there,

they have this aircraft hangar where the studio is,

and then they've got this airfield

and you do this thing called The Star In The Ordinary Car,

where you drive around the track. So I turn up.

The first thing you do is, they put you in the car

and you do four laps with a fellow called Stig,

who's just dressed head to toe in white.

He just looks like a giant sperm.

And you sit there and you drive around the track.

And what you're supposed to do,

he's meant to give you tips as you drive around the track.

That didn't work for me. We only did four laps

and in all the four laps, I was going,

"Go on, what's your name? Go on, what's your name?

"Go on! I'll tickle you! What's your name?

"What's your name? Go on, what's your name? What's your name?"

Do the four laps, and then you get to go and drive the car yourself.

I have to be honest.

Up to that point in my life,

I'd never driven a car around a track.

I have driven cars that didn't belong to me very quickly,

but I've never driven a car around a track.

I got in the car, drove it around the track

and then you go in and do the interview with Jeremy Clarkson,

who's a very friendly bloke.

Went in, did the interview with Jeremy.

At the end of the interview he said,

"Do you want to see how you got on, on your fastest lap

"as The Star in the Ordinary Car?

Up to the point that I went on the show,

the person who's the fastest as The Star In The Ordinary Car

was Tom Cruise.

I'm sat there. He shows me my lap.

I had no idea to know whether it was fast or not.

He says, "Do you want to know how you got on?"

He opens the envelope. He said, "You did it in 1 minute...

"42.8 seconds."

A massive cheer went up in the studio,

as he then stood up and put me on top of the leaderboard.

I beat Tom Cruise!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I cannot tell you what that felt like.

I wanted to get on the phone to Hollywood and say,

"Hey, Tom! Stick that Scientology up your arse, lad!

"The Scousers are here!"

But then what happens is, before you leave the studio,

you've got to sign an agreement

not to tell anyone, not even your kids,

because with Facebook and stuff,

if you tell anyone your time,

it spreads all over the place before it comes out on the Sunday.

I said, "Fine. Not a problem. I won't tell anyone.

"I'll keep it to myself."

I got in the car, I drove away from the studio.

For the first time EVER,

EVER...for the first time ever,

my three teenage sons

INDIVIDUALLY phoned me

on their INDIVIDUAL mobile phones.

That has NEVER EVER happened before.

Normally, I ring them and they go...

But they phoned me and asked me the same thing.

Said, "How did you get on, Dad?"

I said, "Well, you know, can't really say, but I did OK."

"No, come on. Did you crash?"

"No, I didn't crash." "You crashed!"

"I DIDN'T CRASH!" My wife phoned and said,

"How did you get on?" I said, "I can't really say, but I did OK."

She said, "Did you stall it,

"like that car on holiday seven years ago?"

I said, "I didn't stall that car!"

"You did stall it! Remember, you were going to punch that man!"

I said, "I DIDN'T FUCKING STALL IT!"

I thought, "I'm going to say nothing. I'm going to wait."

So Sunday arrived.

We're in our house. We're watching the telly.

It comes on Top Gear. When they show it on Top Gear, they show it the other way around.

They show the interview first, which I didn't like,

because what a lot of people probably might find surprising is,

I genuinely don't like looking at myself on the television.

And the reason for that is because I see what

I know a lot of you are seeing

when you look at these screens for the first time

and I think I know what a lot of you are thinking which is,

"Look at the teeth on that!"

LAUGHTER

That's all I ever see.

So everyone in the country's

watching Jeremy Clarkson having an interview with me.

All I can see is Jeremy Clarkson

talking to a scouse horse going, "Yeah, ha-ha!"

And then it comes to the bit.

He says, "Do you want to see how you got on,

"as The Star In The Ordinary Car?

I thought, "This is my moment."

All I've got to do now is to wait for 1 minute 42.8 seconds.

After which point, my whole family will turn round and go, "Jesus!

"we didn't know we were living with a hero!"

And then my children will pick me up on their shoulders

and parade me through the streets wearing T-shirts saying

"Tom Cruise is a bit of a wanker."

I'm sat there. The car pulls off.

My wife went, "Oh, you didn't stall it."

I said, "I know." "But you did stall that car on holiday seven years ago."

I said, "I didn't fucking stall that!"

Goes round. It finishes.

When it finishes, he says,

"Do you want to see how you got on as The Star In The Ordinary Car?

I said, "Yes, Jezza." He opened the envelope.

He says, "You did it in 1 minute 42.8 seconds,"

at which point there was a MASSIVE cheer in the studio

but as ONE, my three lads got off the couch and went, "Oh..."

And walked out the room. I said, "Where are yous going?"

They went, "Where are we going?! "Where are we going?!

"We bet everyone at school you crashed!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

To be honest with you,

this isn't the first DVD that I've done.

I did a DVD last year

and I did it last year,

it went on sale at Christmas

and we were in here at Christmas,

I was doing six nights at the Echo Arena.

Yeah, six nights at the Echo Arena up to Christmas.

Now, I've got to tell you this story,

because it would only happen in Liverpool.

If you remember what happened at Christmas,

it snowed about two or three inches.

On the first night of my run of six nights in the Echo Arena, it snowed.

I phoned my wife up.

I said, "Listen, love. I don't know if you've seen,

"but there's a blizzard outside.

"There must be two or three inches of snow.

"You know I'm booked in the Echo Arena for six nights.

"You know I'm not due to finish until Christmas Eve,

"and all the lads have had a chat,

"and we think I shouldn't really risk

"that 35 minute drive home..."

LAUGHTER

"..in conditions like this.

"We all agree that the best thing I can do

"is to stay at the five-star hotel across the road."

Every one of the married men in this room's looking at me thinking,

"You've got no chance!"

My wife said, "No, I agree."

But every married woman knows exactly what she said next.

She said, "I agree...but as you're staying in town,

"I've got this list."

So I spent all of the run-up to Christmas

doing all the shopping

and as I say, what had happened is, we'd brought out the DVD.

I had to go to HMV a lot, because I've got teenage boys,

and the stuff that they want is in HMV.

We're responsible parents.

We don't like the kids hanging around the streets.

I don't mind them sitting in their bedroom

playing Grand Theft Auto

and shooting hookers on the internet,

but I just don't want them doing it for real.

When you bring out a DVD, they really push it

in the city you're from, because there,

particularly with me,

they think, "Well, at least

"they can understand what he's saying."

You know what it's like when you go into HMV.

You just end up buying a load of shite, don't you?

You just think, "Oh, look at that! There's a box set of Bagpuss.

"I haven't got that. Oh, I haven't seen that for years!"

So I ended up with this big stack of stuff,

and as I was looking for all this stuff, I saw this film.

This film I hadn't seen since I was 12.

1978, it came out. I got sneaked in to see it.

I thought, "That is brilliant!"

It had been digitally re-mastered.

I don't even know what digitally re-mastered means.

But for £4.99, and it's digitally re-mastered,

I was going to buy it, because it was the first time

I'd ever seen a man doing something that wasn't playing football

and I wanted to be that man.

If you're the same age as me,

I don't even have to name the film.

I've just got to do that.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah!

Saturday Night Fever.

Saturday Night Fever.

It came out in 1978.

I couldn't get in to see it because you had to be 18,

and then, we didn't have a number saying 18.

No, we just had a letter.

A big X, going, "FUCK OFF!"

To get in to see it you had to be 18

or have a letter off the Pope.

It was a film about a man

in a white three-piece suit, disco dancing,

and you had to be 18 to get in

to see a film about the man

in a white three-piece suit, disco dancing.

It just shows you how times have changed because now,

now, if you left this building

wearing a white three-piece suit

and walked into the nearest nightclub

and went and stood on the dancefloor and went...

"I need a bit of space here, lads."

There'd be a good chance that you'd get your head kicked in.

Unless it was Garlands.

There's a good chance you'd cop off then.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But in 1978, there was nothing cooler than being a man

in a white three-piece suit. I thought, "I'm having that."

I added it to my stack of stuff.

The problem was, in HMV, they were having a big push.

If you'd have gone into the one in Liverpool,

they had a big push on my DVD.

So I walked into the shop.

There was a lifesize cut-out of myself.

A cardboard...can you imagine how odd it is to walk into a shop

and see a lifesize cardboard cut-out of yourself like that?

Particularly when you're like me,

and 35% of your head is taken up with your teeth.

I was like, "Oh, for..."

I had a hat on and a scarf and I got into the queue that they do

where they zigzag you like the airport.

It was all right when I was going that way,

but every time I turned,

that way there was a lifesize cut-out of myself going, "Hiya!"

As we were walking, there was a woman in front of me.

Looked like she was in her sixties.

She had a copy of my DVD.

So as we were coming along like that, I thought, "That's nice."

Coming along and then you know what happens,

you get to the end of the zigzag

and then in HMV you get presented with a counter,

and behind that counter there's a load of people who look like

all they've done for the last ten years is play Dungeons and Dragons.

They're all stood there with ethnic earrings and goatee beards,

and that's just the girls.

And it's sort of random which one of these spotty Herberts

is going to serve you.

All of a sudden, two become available next to each other,

so I step forward and I put my stack of stuff down

and then the woman steps forward with my DVD.

As I put my stuff down, it becomes apparent

that the lad who is about to serve me recognised who I was.

Then it became obvious that the lad who was about to serve her

also recognised who I was,

so I thought, "Well, my cover is blown."

So as she went to put the DVD down

I went...

I said, "I hope you enjoy that, love."

She said "I'm getting it for me fella. I think he's shite."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's nothing more humbling

on this planet than to be stood in front of two lads

that you know have never kissed a girl,

and see them both look at you going...

HE MOUTHS

But what happened, I took my stack of stuff home

and over the Christmas period, my oldest lad had a sleepover.

My oldest lad's 16 and he had a sleepover,

which is a ridiculous phenomena,

this sleepover business.

I don't know who started this. I think it's a pain in the arse.

When I was growing up, if you slept at someone else's house,

you'd copped off.

He had a sleepover with four of his mates.

That's five 16 year-old boys sleeping in one room.

FIVE 16 year-old boys sleeping in one room.

I don't know if anyone in here has ever been into a room

where FIVE 16 year-old boys have slept?

They stink.

And they stink with a stink

that you have never possibly smelt in your life

anywhere else in the world.

It's just this stink that oozes off them.

And you walk in and it hits you like mustard gas.

You think, "Oh, for fuck's sake..."

And they're sat there, the five of them, watching his telly.

Watching MTV on the telly.

Some rappy-dappy shite on the telly.

Some lad just looking at the camera going,

HE RAPS # I'm going to pop this cap in your ass, bitch

# I'm going to pop this cap in your ass, bitch

# I'm going to pop this cap in your ass, bitch

# You're going to get this cap popped in your ass, bitch

# I'm going to pop this cap in your ass, bitch

# Yo, bitch, I'm going to pop this cap in your ass

# You're going to get this pop in your ass

# You're going to get this pop popped in your ass, bitch

# Oh, yeah, you're going to get it in your ass. Bitch. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I cannot believe you just clapped that.

There's a load of people in this room over 40 going,

"He's quite good at that rapping business, isn't he?"

But I walked in and I saw it,

and the first thing I said was, "This is shit."

My lad went, "No, it's not."

I said, "It's shit."

He said, "It's not."

And the reason I said that was because I'm his dad.

And it doesn't matter what was on, I would think his music's shit,

because I've now turned into MY dad.

And I've started saying things that my dad says.

I'll often look out the window and say, "See that?

"I remember when all that was fields."

I don't. We've only just moved there. But I keep saying it.

I can't help myself.

So I just walked in and I said "Oh, this is shit."

I said, "You know what's wrong with that lad?

"You know what's wrong with him?

"Arthritis. Look at his hands! Eh?

"That's why the poor kid wants to shoot everyone. He's in agony!"

My lad went... HE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

"You should be a comedian."

To which his mates laughed,

which I didn't like.

Because all of a sudden, that meant I was in a row.

And every father in this room knows you can't lose a row.

Not when they're that age.

Not when they're that age,

because if you lose a row at that age,

that means they go up and you come down.

That's the way things are.

If anyone in here has ever watched

one of those David Attenborough documentaries,

you'll know what I mean.

You know when there's a big lion there,

and the other lion comes over

and has a go at the big lion?

And the big lion loses

and then has to go and sit over there,

while all the lions have a zebra?

I thought, "That's not happening."

I thought, "If I lose this argument, on Christmas Day

"I'm going to be stood in our garden like that..."

LAUGHTER

Looking through the kitchen window

while he's sat in my chair with a big leg going...

HE MOUTHS

And I thought, "I'm not going to lose this argument!"

The problem is, I always end up pushing the argument too far

because I don't want to lose the argument.

I said, "It's shit." He says, "It's not."

I said, "It is, it is!"

As I walked away, he just said something

and it hit me on the back of the head like a flannel.

He said "It's cool."

I said, "What?!"

I said, "That's not cool!"

He said, "You wouldn't know what's cool."

I...I wouldn't know what's cool?!

I said, "Sit there, knobhead."

LAUGHTER

I went downstairs. I picked up

my digitally re-mastered version...

LAUGHTER

..of Saturday Night Fever.

I carried it through the house

like it was the Olympic torch of coolness.

I walked into his bedroom.

I said, "You five, sit down.

"You're going to get a lesson in cool."

I'm just going to let every father in this room know,

NEVER show your kids what you thought was cool.

Because there is no more positive way of proving

that you are actually a KNOB than doing that.

Because they put it on...for me, it was brilliant. It was brilliant.

I mean, we only lasted 20 minutes before the argument went too far,

but during those 20 minutes, it was a trip down memory lane.

It was fantastic.

If you know the film, it starts off...it's BRILLIANT!

It starts off with John Travolta walking like that.

He's carrying a can of paint.

He's got big massive flares on.

And they're brilliant.

If you're from Widnes, you won't notice the flares.

They probably look normal.

And he's carrying this can of paint.

I said, "Look at that! Eh, eh?

"Now that's fucking cool!

"If I could look that cool carrying paint,

"I would go to B&Q every day."

We lasted, as I say, 20 minutes, but during that time

I saw all the things that I remembered in the film.

I hadn't seen it since I was 12. Not properly.

To see it was brilliant.

It brought all the memories back.

There's a scene where John Travolta's getting ready

to go disco dancing for the first time.

I remember seeing it when I was 12

because he was in his bedroom like that with a hairdryer.

HE MIMICS HAIRDRYER RUMBLING

And I remember being 12, thinking,

"He's got a hairdryer! His own hairdryer!"

It wasn't a family hairdryer!

There wasn't a queue of people behind him with wet heads.

He had his own hairdryer!

And he was stood there in black undies.

BLACK undies!

I remember being 12, thinking,

"Where on earth do you get BLACK underpants?

"I would LOVE a pair of black underpants

"instead of these things with trains on!"

The argument's lasted 20 minutes up to the point,

and if you know the film, you know the iconic scene

where John Travolta goes disco dancing for the first time.

He's on the floor, disco dancing. He suddenly stopped.

And he Cossack-danced across the dancefloor.

I remember being in the cinema in 1978, everyone went,

"Fucking hell! Did you just see that?!"

Because we had no CGI in 1978.

He Cossack-danced!

In 1978, the Berlin Wall was still up.

We had no idea what Cossacks were up to.

All of a sudden, he Cossack-danced.

Everyone in the cinema went, "God, that's brilliant!"

I said to my son, "Eh?! Now that's cool!"

He went, "No, Dad." I said, "Yeah, that's cool!"

He said, "No, it's not." I said, "That's cool, that is!"

He just treated it with the same degree of distain

that every 16 year-old treats everything.

He just went, "That?" HE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

"That's gay."

I said, "That's not fucking gay, that's brilliant, that is."

He said, "That's gay." All his mates started laughing.

I said, "That's not fucking gay. That's Cossack-dancing, that is.

"That's brilliant, that is." He said, "It's gay."

I said, "It's not gay! Bumming your mates is gay!

"That's Cossack-dancing!"

"Do you lads want a cup of tea?"

I could see them all looking at me

going, "Jesus, Mr Bishop, that was a bit much, wasn't it?"

But you can't help it -

when you're in an argument with a 16-year-old, you cannot help it.

And I'll tell you why, cos they're a teenager.

I'll tell you why, it's because teenagers now are just different,

different than anything we've ever had before.

They're just different. They've got all this Facebook bollocks which is just ridiculous.

When I was growing up, Facebook was a book with your face on it. Now...

it's the only way anyone talks and people get obsessed...

Twitter and all this stuff.

And there's probably teenagers who think it's hard being a teenager.

And there's probably teenagers in this room right now.

And if you're a teenager,

I can guarantee that you have absolutely...

no comprehension of how much of a twat you are...

most of the time.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Let it out. Let it out.

You know what that is? That's parents thinking,

"Thank Christ I'm not the only one."

Because no-one ever talks about it. No-one ever talks about it.

And there'll be some people looking at me going, "Oh, I wasn't expecting that.

"That was a bit harsh, wasn't it? Oh, twat? No, twat, no.

"No, no, that's your kids. That's not our kids.

"Twat - that's a bit harsh," but I'll tell you what,

if you've got a teenage kid, there's not a parent in here who would argue with that.

Every parent in here knows "twat" is exactly the right word.

CHEERING

Because every parent in here of a teenager has done that thing,

done that thing when your child comes into the kitchen,

comes your teenage child...

walks into the kitchen wearing stupid jeans

with a ridiculous haircut and goes, "Why can't I go to the party?

"Everyone's going, there's a sleepover

"it'll be the best party ever, like a little mini festival at the party

"everyone's going to go. It's all on Facebook about the party.

"They'll all be poking each other at the party.

"If I don't go to the party no-one's going to BBM me or anything

"because I didn't go. Everyone's texting each other about the party,

"you won't let me go to the party cos you're the worst people in the world and my life is OVER!"

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There's not a single parent in here when that's happened who hasn't gone,

"Where did this twat come from?"

Because they don't start out like that.

And no-one tells you it's going to happen.

No-one ever says to you in the antenatal clinic,

"Lovely baby, that, but be a twat one day."

You've just got to find it out. And it's difficult.

It's difficult because, as I say, they don't start off like that.

There'll be some people in here with little ones.

Yeah, little ones who look and go, "No, no, that won't happen to us.

"No, no. No, no.

"No, little Johnny come home from school today with a painting

"and went, 'Hello, Mummy.'

"'I love Mummy. I love Daddy. I do painting of Mummy with flowers

"'but flowers are not as pretty as pretty Mummy because I love her.

"Oh, look, look what he said. 'I love Mummy.'

"Look, look!

"'Daddy's not a knob, Daddy lovely. I love Daddy.

"'I love Daddy. I love Mummy.' Look, look, look. Oh, look."

Yeah, well, fucking enjoy it!

Because it's not going to last. And you know why?

Cos they're not going to stay like that for long.

No. They're going to grow. They're going to grow.

They're not going to stay like that.

You won't even notice them growing, because they grow in secret.

You never see them growing.

It's just all of a sudden, their clothes don't fit and you think,

"Their clothes don't fit," and they go, "I know, I've been growing. Ha-ha!"

Because what happens is, they grow just a little bit every day.

Just a little bit every day, and as they grow a little bit every day,

a little bit of loveliness falls off them.

A little bit of loveliness falls off them and rolls away.

Just a little bit of loveliness rolls away

until eventually you end up with this teenage thing.

This big teenage thing without an ounce of loveliness left in it.

But with an expression on its face that seems to be suggesting

that they're doing you a favour by letting you live in their house

and fucking pay for everything!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And it is. It's just all-consuming. It is all-consuming.

I mean, as I say, if you've got little ones, love them.

Love them as much as you can and love them as long as you can,

because they're not going to last. Seriously. Go home tonight

and kiss them on their lovely little soft heads. Lovely soft heads.

No matter what time you go in, go in, go home, pay the babysitter,

go upstairs, kiss them. Love them, love them.

If you've come from Speke, go in, let the dog out,

go upstairs, kiss them.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

If you're from Speke, I'm sorry, I had about 20 places in my head then.

The thing was, if you pick Speke, people from Speke go,

"Yeah, he's right, it's a shithole. "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

But it is. And I'm saying this, I know there's probably people in here

who haven't got kids. Just give me a cheer if you've got kids.

CHEERING

All right. That wasn't bad, yeah.

And give me a cheer if you haven't.

ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Hey!

And how come you know, mate?

Are you in a category all on your own?

Madonna over there.

"I haven't got my own kids but I've bought a few. Does that count?"

APPLAUSE

That first group, eh, you know the people in that first group?

You know why the people in that second group sounded happier?

Did you notice?

You used to sound like the people in that second group.

You used to sound... And you know the people in that second group,

the people without kids, you have no idea what life you lead.

None whatsoever. You lot in that second group,

you've had all day to get here.

The people with kids had ten minutes.

If you're not in and out the house in ten minutes, you're not going anywhere.

It's a nightmare. And what happens,

you can see the big difference on Sunday.

Sunday is the day that you see the difference between our group

and your group, because Sunday's the day we all do the same thing.

Because on Sunday, we all get up on Sunday morning

and we walk to the paper shop.

And we buy the Sunday papers.

And we do it and you lot in that second group, you do it.

The difference is that when you buy the Sunday papers,

you walk home, then you sit down and you read them like that.

All of them like that.

Probably with a little cafetiere of coffee,

some warm croissants with Classic FM playing

and your girlfriend getting a bath with rose petals in.

And you read them like that.

Whereas us lot, we go to the shop, we buy the Sunday papers,

we bring them home, we put it on the coffee table. There's an argument in the kitchen,

we're still trying to read them on fucking Wednesday!

And you sit there reading them, and a friend phones up and says,

"Do you want to come to the pub for Sunday lunch?"

And you lot will say, "Yes!"

Then you'll put the phone down and walk out the house...

provided you can find your way through the fucking fog.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I am hoping this is meant to be on the stage

and the lecky's not fucked up again.

I don't know if you can see it at the back, but honest to God...

..all I can see...

it looks like, you know when you're in a plane and coming down

and you're thinking, "Fucking hell, what's underneath?"

and then you see Speke Airport and you think, "Oh, fucking hell."

But it is. You lot, you lot without kids you'll sit there

and one of your friends will phone up and say, "Do you want to come to the pub for Sunday lunch?"

And you lot get up and walk out the house. Walk out the house.

They say, "Do you want to come?" and you say, "Yes."

You put the phone down and walk out the house. That's all you ever...

You just put the phone down and walk out the house.

You don't make any other arrangements at all.

You lot don't even pack a bag.

When you've got kids, you can't just put the phone down

and walk out the house.

It's 16 years since I just put the phone down and walked out the house.

We've got teenage kids. You can't go anywhere with teenage kids

without arguing for 45 minutes first.

And when you've got little ones, you've got to pack a bag.

And in that bag, you've got to put everything you might possibly need

just in case your house isn't there when you come back.

So you put spare clothes and spare food and spare nappies

and a fridge and a microwave and you pick everything up

in this big massive bag

and then you take it out to the car. And you open the boot of the car and you put the bag in,

then go inside to get the pram.

The pram that's meant to collapse with one hand

but has never collapsed with one hand! You bring that out

and then you remember that the pram's got to go in first

cos it won't fit in cos the fucking bag's in!

You've got to get the bag out, then put the pram in.

Then you put the bag in, then go inside to get your baby.

You get your first baby. Your first little baby, your first little wobbly baby.

"Little wobbly baby. Oh, look at the wobbly baby. Wobbly baby.

"Don't be sick on Daddy's shirt. Don't you be sick."

And you bring your wobbly baby out to the car.

And you open the door and you think, "Don't drop the wobbly baby.

"Wobbly baby." Then you get the little wobbly baby

and then you go to put the wobbly baby into the car seat.

And then all of a sudden, that wobbly baby turns...

to a plank of wood!

Have you ever tried to bend a three-year-old?

It's fucking impossible!

You will spend 25 minutes of your life

trying to put them in a car seat to save THEIR life!

That didn't happen when I was growing up.

When I was growing up,

if you fell out the car, it was your own fucking fault!

And you'll stand there like that. You'll stand there going, "Ohhhhh..." because you know...

..he's got to breathe.

"I'm not going to breathe, I'm not going to breathe..."

And you do stupid things, you tickle them. "Tickle, tickle, tickle.

"Tickle, tickle, tickle."

Just till you get that chink where they go...

As soon as they go like that you go, "Fuck off! Got you!"

Then you get the others, pick them, bring them out to the car.

By the time you bring them out, he's turned blue.

You put them down, they run in the road, you get them back in.

You put them in the car, the dog's trying to get in the car,

you're kicking the dog out, you get them in, you tie them up.

One of them's sick, take his clothes off, change him.

One of them's filled their nappy, take it off, you get in.

By the time you get in the front seat, look at your missus, you go...

"Where are we going?"

Cos when you've got kids, your brain's scrambled eggs.

It really is.

Anyone in here with kids lives their life exactly the same way

I live my life.

Which means you get up in the morning...

you go back to bed at night and you think,

"What the fuck just happened then?

"Was that a day? Have I just had a full day?

"Because I haven't done anything for me!

"I haven't done anything that didn't involve feeding, picking up,

"cleaning up after, paying for, looking after, texting,

"arguing with, picking up, dropping off, picking up, dropping off, picking up,

"now I'm fucking back in bed with you!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But if you've got kids, you'll know exactly that I'm on about.

If you haven't got kids, it makes no sense.

And I'll tell you what, it just came to me when we did the Echo,

we did the Echo and we finished on Christmas Eve

and then we had a bit of January off and it meant I had four Sundays off.

Four Sundays. So I thought, "I'm going to treat myself.

"I'm going to go for a Sunday lunch every Sunday...

"cos that's how I roll."

Russell Brand gets a break in his tour, he gets a Jacuzzi

with 15 hookers in, I think, "No, Yorkshire pudding, I'm loving this."

And I walked into this pub, this pub on the Wirral near Chester.

I walked into this pub, a gastro-pub. Gastro, my arse.

£17.99 for a fucking sausage and mash. It's taking the piss.

But I walked in...

and there was this table of eight adults,

people from your world, people in that second group.

A table of eight adults. No kids. No kids.

And it's not that they had no kids WITH them - they had no kids.

They were aged between 28 and 40 and you could tell they had no kids

because their clothes were lovely.

They wore lovely clothes. Clothes they'd spent time on.

You know, not like us. You know when you're in Asda

and you just think, "I could do with one of them."

I mean, I'm no Gok Wan but as far as I'm concerned,

if you're buying your fashion in the same place you buy your sprouts,

it's not kicking it, sister. You know what I'm saying?

And I walked in and I thought "This is people from your world,"

because they were sat there like that.

Eight of them. No kids.

Laughing. "Ha-ha!"

"Ha-ha!" I listened.

Nobody was saying anything funny.

They were just sat there like that. "Ha-ha!"

Because they all had spare laughter inside of them.

Laughs they hadn't used up in the week. They were going, "Ha-ha!"

"Ha-ha! Have you read the papers?" "Ha-ha, yes, I've read them all!"

Whereas us lot, we're the other ones on the other side of the pub going,

"You ordered it - fucking eat it!"

And you know what, there was a point and it must happen...

In fact, this explains why you lot in the second group

sounded different to the first group - this explains it.

There was a point where they were sat around the table

and someone went, "You want another drink?" It flew around the table.

"Do you want another?" "Yeah, I'll have another."

And every single one of them went, "Yeah. Yeah."

No-one went, "I can't, I've got a babysitter."

They all went, "Yeah, yeah."

I thought, "Fucking hell, that must be what it's like in your world.

"What happens now is you're probably going to have another three or four drinks, aren't you? Hey?

"Then after those three or four drinks you'll walk home

"cos you don't need to take your car,

"cos you don't need the paraphernalia in your car!

"And you'll walk home and on your way home you'll probably stop at Blockbuster to get a DVD,"

and then I thought, "No, you won't.

"What on earth are you going to stop at Blockbusters for?

"You don't need to do that.

"You can go to the pictures whenever you want."

Blockbusters is for us,

for people like us who have to stay in on a Friday night

with a bottle of wine and watch a film that came out three years ago!

And try and pretend our life's not slipping away before us. No.

You don't do that.

That's why you sound different - you can walk right past Blockbusters

and you can go home to your house

and sit on your couch that you paid for and pick up the controls of YOUR telly

and watch whatever the fuck you want on your telly.

You know why you sounded different when you cheered?

Because that's the sound of people who have never watched CBeebies.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And I'll tell you, it's true, because it's all compromise.

When you've got kids, it's compromise.

You learn it, obviously, because before you got them

you've got to end up living with someone first or marrying them.

And that's a compromise, innit?

Yeah. I mean, we all got excited. Everyone's....

Marriage is now in vogue because of what happened with the royal wedding.

I think we all watched it and it was a very pleasant affair.

I think most people watched the royal wedding and sat there thinking

exactly what I thought which is, "Should've married the sister."

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Because of everything that's gone on with me in the last year, even the marriage,

a lot of my mates go, "Marriage will be different."

And it is. It's difficult - I've been married for 18 years.

Anyone in here who's new to marriage, good luck to you.

It's an exciting thing when it's new. Things do change, though.

Quickly.

I'd say it probably happens round about five or six years in.

Because what happens is, you find yourself one day sat there

eating cereal like that in the morning,

just having your breakfast, eating your cereal

and you find yourself just pausing and looking at your spoon

and thinking...

"I could kill her with that."

And then you just carry on eating.

And that's basically how you live the rest of your life.

But what happened with me recently is, well, it wasn't recently,

it was April last year. I got a phone call from my agent

and this is where you find your marriage being tested, cos I got a phone call from my agent.

I was doing a gig in Huddersfield.

They said, "Someone from the BBC wants to see you after the gig."

I walked into the dressing room. There was two fellas there who'd clearly come up from London,

because one of them had a pullover tied round his neck.

In Huddersfield!

I thought, "If I let you out of here dressed like that, they're going to burn you as a witch."

But there was these two posh lads. They said, "Hello John, ha-ha-ha.

"We're from the BBC."

They said what had happened, there'd been a cock-up with the BBC

with their schedule

and they said there's an opportunity to do a stand-up show.

If you can deliver six half hour stand-up shows in eight weeks, you can have the slot.

"Do you think you can do it?" And I said, "Yes!"

thinking, "Not a chance."

And they said, "OK, but we need to have a chat with you about the language used."

I said, "Well, look, lads, I can only do it in English."

I said, "I know how PC you are and, you know,

"if you give me longer I'll have a stab at it, do all Polish

"or Welsh or whatever you want, but right now that's all I've got."

And he said, "It's not that. It's the swearing. You do swear a lot."

And I do swear a lot and I apologise if anyone's offended by it

but it's difficult, as you well know more than anyone, you know,

Scousers - we need to swear.

CHEERING

It's true.

If we don't swear, we've got no punctuation.

It's when we try not to swear that we make that other noise

where we go, "Ehhhhhh...."

APPLAUSE

But they said, "Look, the problem is, there's some things

"you can't say on the BBC." I said, "Oh, go on, what are they?"

I think we could all guess what they were but I wanted them to say,

cos they were posh - and I love posh people swearing.

It's brilliant. When we were kids we used to go to Chester just to trip posh people up

so we could hear them go, "Oh, fuck!"

It's lovely, isn't it? It's not aggressive.

It's like an ingredient in a cake, isn't it?

Just add some "Fuck!" to the cake.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've got to be honest, I don't think it'll ever get on the telly.

I said to them, "Look, we'll give it a go. We'll have a go

We did the show - John Bishop's Britain.

I don't know if anyone saw John Bishop's Britain. Thank you. CHEERING

So we did, we did the show.

It was in the paper, and this is where your mates think your world's changed.

One of my mates saw it in the paper, John Bishop's Britain.

He phoned up, said, "Have you got your own show on the BBC?"

I said, "I have, actually." He said, "Does your missus know?"

I said, "Well, we do live together. We don't always argue.

"Occasionally when we send a text we put an X at the end.

"I've no idea why, but we do."

He said, "Well, if she knows you've got your own show,

"she knows things are changing, moving on." I said, "Apparently so."

He said, "You must have had a chat then about your divorce."

I said, "About my what?" He said, "Your divorce.

"You're in show business now, you're bound to get divorced,

"everyone gets divorced in show business."

He said, "What you want to do is get in now.

"Get in early while it's cheaper."

I said, "What are you on about?" He said, "It's bound to happen. You've got your own series.

"You're going to be going to showbiz events.

"You're going to be meeting new people, attending parties.

"Before you know it, you're going to end up shagging the Sugababes."

I'm like any man in this room who's been married for a certain amount of time

and someone says that to you - I thought,

"If it's got to happen..." Do you know what I mean?

What can I do about it? I know it'll be disappointing for my three lads

and during the divorce, I'd have to stand in front of them and say,

"Look, this has been very difficult for you three,

"this divorce me and your mum have been through,

"and because of the heartache you've seen,

"you're emotionally scarred for life and as a result of that

"you'll be fearful of forming an attachment to anyone close

"in the future and, as a result, may never make a formal relationship

"that's long-lasting because you'll be fearful

"that it'll end up in tears and misery just like ours has, but having said...

"look what your dad won!

"I've got the Sugababes in the kitchen!"

The reality is, to be honest with you, it sowed the seed of doubt

in my head because you're not 18 years with somebody

if you don't love them and suddenly you think,

"This could happen."

And I got worried about it because it is a new world for me.

I was in the car two weeks later. I'm going to say something that'll surprise a lot of people -

I was in the car two weeks later, listening to Radio 4.

I was listening.

Hey, I was listening to a show on Radio 4 called Woman's Hour. Yeah.

Get over it, because I tell you what, any fellow in here,

if you've never listened to Woman's Hour, get on it.

It is unbelievable.

It's an hour where women talk to women about what's going on in women's heads.

They're talking like you're not listening.

It's like a key to another world. It's fucking gold dust.

I tell you what, every man's got to listen to it. You know what?

Every man who's lived with a woman and has at least once stood in your house in the middle of an argument

thinking, "I've no fucking idea what this argument's about,"

the answer is on Woman's Hour.

Every time you've said, "Is everything OK, love?"

and she's gone, "If you don't know, I'm not telling you," the answer is on Woman's Hour!

I was listening. There was a woman on, a counsellor.

She was talking about why marriages fail in the second decade.

I thought, "That's me! I'm in the second decade."

She said what happens in the second decade is, people drift apart.

They start watching different TV programmes,

reading different books, watching different films.

They don't talk to each other about the things that interest them.

Therefore, when there's a problem in the relationship, there's no form of communication to resolve it.

I've got to be honest, she was on the radio -

I don't know if she did that.

But it sounded like she probably did that. I thought, "That makes sense."

I phoned my wife up.

I said, "Have you been watching anything new lately?"

She said, "I have, I've been watching a programme called Spartacus."

I hadn't watched Spartacus up to that point.

A week later she took the kids away to go and see her mum for the weekend.

I didn't have to go because I was working.

Her mum lives in Spain, which is not as far as you think, to be perfectly honest with you.

She took the kids away, so I had the house to myself for the weekend.

So I did what any dad does in that situation - I got the Sky Plus,

I started flicking through the programmes that I'd missed.

I saw that someone had recorded an episode of Spartacus.

I thought, "I'm going to watch this."

For those who have never watched it, those who have watched it I'm sure will agree,

the best description is, it's a programme about gladiators

who seem to do a lot more shagging than fighting.

In fact, that's all these gladiators seem to do.

And not only that, it seems quite apparent that in gladiator times,

waxing was very popular because every single gladiator

is a silky smoothy gladiator. Smoothy, shiny, smoothy.

And I mean the lot. All gone. The lot.

Coming out of steam rooms, nothing there.

Silky smoothy, smoothy shiny, silky smoothy gladiators.

The worst thing any man can do...

who's thinking of ways to impress his wife

is to watch an episode of Spartacus,

drink a bottle of wine

and then get a bath.

I was sat in the bath 15 minutes later, drunk,

I look down, I thought...

.."I don't need all that, do I?"

You know when you look at it, it's just floating like seaweed

in the bath like that.

And you know when you have a drunk idea and it's the best idea you've had all year?

I got a Mach 3, I thought, "Right...

"You want a gladiator - you can have a gladiator!

"Here comes Johnny the gladiator." And I did the lot!

I even did down there. What's it like down there, girls?

It's like scraping ice off the car in February. I did the lot.

It's amazing how quickly a Mach 3 can remove decades of growth.

It was like human deforestation. I did the lot.

Within minutes, I was silky smooth. I climbed out the bath.

I looked back in the bath.

It looked like I'd liquidised a hairy midget.

In my drunken head, that was the funniest thing

I had ever seen in my life...

until I caught sight of myself in the mirror.

Fucking hell.

I looked like a giant baby!

This was the Friday. She returned home on the Monday

and she returned home and carried the bags to the bedroom.

As she went to the bedroom, I nipped to the bathroom.

I put on a bathrobe.

I come walking to present myself in the bedroom.

I was stood there like that.

I've got to be honest, it had been three days at this point.

It was getting a bit itchy. I was a bit...

I stood there in front of her like that.

She's just unpacking like that. She just went...

She said, "What do you want?" I went, "What do I want?"

I said, "I'm Spartacus!"

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And you know when a wife gives you a look that a Sugababe never would.

She just went...

She said, "It looks like a dead chicken."

And I'll be honest with you.

Everyone in here who's married knows that that's what you do.

You do stupid stuff when you're married to keep it bubbling

and everyone always thinks that the grass is greener

and also when you start living in a new world like I've found myself,

all my mates go, "It must be great,"

but every now and again you get taught a lesson.

Something happened just before Christmas that really taught me a lesson.

Now, we've played the games that everyone plays -

where you've had a few drinks and you go, "Come on, who's your fantasy shag?

"Come on, I'm not going to get annoyed. We've had a drink.

"Who's your fantasy shag? Come on. Come on."

NEVER say the sister.

Oh, it's not funny then, is it? That was a rough six months, I tell you.

We always pick someone off the telly or someone in a film.

Someone you're never going to meet.

My fantasy shag has been all the time, 100% of the time, Cheryl Cole.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Even when she was married to Ashley,

although, to be honest, then I just would've done it for spite.

But I've always fancied Cheryl Cole.

Just before Christmas I got a phone call.

"Would you like to do the Royal Variety show?"

Which is an odd thing for anyone from around here to do, to be honest with you,

because I think, instinctively, we're not fans of the Royal Family.

Instinctively, we're not fans of the Royal Family.

I mean, let's be honest - we don't mind people living off the state,

I just think they take it a bit too far, to be fair.

You know what I mean?

We all know lads who sign on the sick who play football on a Sunday, but they haven't got a castle.

You know what I mean? You've got to balance it up, haven't you?

But I turned up to do it, because it's for a very good charity

and what happens when you do the Royal Variety show, you do your bit to the audience,

then you bow to the audience and you turn to the Royal Box and bow.

When I turned to the Royal Box, the Royals who had come were Prince Charles with his mate, Camilla.

And er...

No, nice lad, he is. Nice lad. I mean...

I didn't think they'd be into cross dressing, the Royal Family, but he was a top bloke, him.

A game of darts afterwards, few pints, he's a good fella.

So you turn, bow and then you walk off.

And you go down the back and you do this thing called the line-up where you meet the Royal Family.

And you get placed next to someone.

I found myself placed next to Cheryl Cole. My fantasy shag.

I went...I said, "Hello, Cheryl,"

which I thought was better than, "You're my fantasy shag, ha-ha!"

I said, "Hello, Cheryl." She went, "Hello, pet."

And it was amazing.

It was amazing. There was something immediate that I knew straight away.

I walked out the Palladium. I phoned my wife.

I said, "Listen, I'm going to tell you something before anyone else tells you.

"There'll be no super injunction here. I'm going to tell you myself.

"Because I've just met Cheryl Cole.

"I've just met my fantasy shag and I can tell you now,

"after 18 years of marriage, three kids and a million arguments,

"if you were stood there a thousand times and Cheryl Cole was stood there a thousand times,"

I said, "I would pick you every single time."

I would. I said, "Cos she's tiny. I would smash her to pieces."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There'd be bits of Cheryl everywhere!

"Sorry, Cheryl, love, put that back on."

It's amazing how a wife can get annoyed quickly

after a compliment, isn't it?

And it has, ladies and gentlemen, it's been a mental year but you know what?

I'll be dead honest with you. I feel like I've nicked someone else's life

because I can't believe I'm doing this as a job. I feel, you know,

I feel like tonight there's probably a sales rep driving a Mondeo

in Birmingham thinking, "Haven't I got a gig in Liverpool tonight?"

I don't know how all of this has happened.

It's grown out of all proportion of anything I could have thought of and it's brilliant.

I'm absolutely loving it and I really appreciate you coming out,

but I do feel it's someone else's dream.

And so before we finish and, by the way, the finish is the finish - you'll know. You will know the end.

The end's not one of those pretend showbiz ends where people walk off

and then come back on.

And you think, "Oh, for fuck's sake, he's back." No, that doesn't happen.

It's stupid, that is. I don't know who started that in show business, that pretend end.

There's no other job in the world

where people pretend to leave work, is there?

No-one ever says, "Look, I'm just leaving the office, I'm off now.

"Oh, I'm back! I've got ten more minutes." No, no, no.

The end will be the end. But we are nowhere near the end yet,

because before we reach there, what I wanted to do, if you don't mind,

because this is a dream that I couldn't have possibly even thought of dreaming,

I wanted to show you what my real dream would have been.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees

# Well you can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man

# No time to talk Music loud and women warm

# I've been kicked around since I was born

# It's all right, it's OK You may look the other way

# We can try to understand The New York times' effect on man

# Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother

# You're stayin' alive stayin' alive

# Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

# And we're stayin' alive stayin' alive... #

MUSIC: "Night Fever" by the Bee Gees

# Listen to the ground There is movement all around

# There is somethin' goin' down and I can feel it

# On the waves of the air there is dancin' out there

# If it's somethin' we can share we can steal it

# That sweet city woman she moves through the light

# Controlling my mind and my soul

# When you reach out for me Yeah, the feelin' is bright

# Night fever, night fever We know how to do it

# Night fever, night fever

# We know how to show it... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Borne on the wind

# Makin' it fly-y-y-y-y-y

# Night fever, night fever We know how to do it

# Night fever, night fever

# We know how to show it

# In the heat of our love don't need no help for us to make it

# Gimme just enough to take us to the mornin'

# I got fire in my mind I got higher in my walkin'

# And I'm glowin' in the dark I give you warnin'

# That sweet city woman she moves through the light

# Controlling my mind and my soul

# When you reach out for me Yeah, and the feelin' is bright

# Then I get night fever night fever

# We know how to do it

# Gimme that night fever night fever

# We know how to show it

# Here I am

# Praying for this moment to last

# Living on the music so fine borne on the wind

# Makin' it mine

# Night fever, night fever

# We know how to do it

-# Night fever, night fever... #

-Thank you!

# We know how to show it

# Night fever, night fever

# We know how to do it

# Gimme that night fever night fever

# We know how to show it... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the dancers!

They've all come from dance schools in Liverpool.

They've been with me for months. They've been absolutely tremendous,

but I've got to thank you for being here, for taking a chance

and God willing, I'll see you somewhere else in the future. Thank you.

Good night and God bless.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd