Kevin Bridges - The Story So Far

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

# I'm at the crossroads Getting drowned in white lines

# A bad moon is rising But now I'm doing time

# But I'll just keep walking And this devil I will find

# Got no home to go to I can't sleep at night

-# Broken and falling

-# Falling, I'm broken

-# Got whisky on my mind

-# Got whisky on my mind

# On my mind

-# Broken and falling

-# Broken and falling

# I'm broken

-# Got whisky on my mind

-# Got whisky on my mind

# On my mind

-# My train is calling

-# My train is calling

-# No woman I can find. #

-# No woman I can find. #

ANNOUNCER: 'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges!'

CHEERING

Hello!

AUDIENCE: Hello!

How are we doing, Glasgow?

Friday night, it's fucking payday, here we go.

HE LAUGHS

It's good to be here.

In the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre, here we are.

CHEERING

The SECC, or as it's known locally,

"That fuckin' SECC."

LAUGHTER

Three quid for a hotdog in that fuckin' SECC.

See the queue at the bar in that fuckin' SECC?

HE CHUCKLES

In these big venues, when people come in and they see their mates,

and they're on the phone, going, "Where are you?"

"You're D. You're in D."

"What are you in?" "I'm in K."

"D...E...F...G...H...I...J...K."

"Stand up, what you wearing?"

"A yellow T-shirt."

"Oh, I can see you, I can see you."

MUFFLED: Wanker!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's nice to be here.

I've seen Lady Gaga perform in here.

I've seen Lady Gaga in here.

It's easy, it's easy to slag Lady Gaga,

but the guy puts on a good show.

LAUGHTER

I've seen him up here singing about his poker face,

now, he's a talented bloke.

He really is.

Did you see the entrance, did you see the intro, Tony Soprano, eh?

I don't even drive, man, see how smooth that was, I don't even drive!

It'd kind of ruin Tony Soprano's image

if he just whipped out a provisional driving licence, wouldn't it?

LAUGHTER

AMERICAN ACCENT: "You believe this fuckin' cocksucker?"

LAUGHTER

So it is good to be back. This is the last night of the tour.

Good to be back in Glasgow.

LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good to come back to Glasgow, because you can speak.

You know, when you travel with a Scottish accent, it's kind of hard,

nobody understands anything you're saying, you know?

I've done a few TV shows. I'm a pretty fucking big deal, you know?

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!

I'm serious news, now I've done a few TV shows.

When you've got a Scottish accent, on the telly,

you need to try and enunciate and use proper English,

but it's hard to find the right balance,

cos no matter how hard you try to enunciate,

and use proper English, there's still somebody from Leamington Spa.

LAUGHTER

HE CHUCKLES

ENGLISH ACCENT: "We saw you on the television,

"I didn't quite understand everything you were saying."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

HE CHUCKLES

"Didn't quite catch it, some of it a bit over my head,

"your accent is really quite strong,

"you've got a really thick Scotch accent, don't quite catch..."

LAUGHTER

"..everything you say."

Whilst to somebody in Scotland, saying,

"We seen you on the telly, talking like a fuckin' bender."

LAUGHTER

"Care to explain yourself?"

Whereas when you travel down south

and you tell people you're from Glasgow, they get quite excited.

They go, "Glasgow, yeah, it's really quite rough, isn't it, really violent, yeah."

You kind of get proud. You go, "Oh, aye, oh, aye."

LAUGHTER

"A lot of tough guys..."

"Oh, aye, a lot of tough men, yeah."

Then they visit the place,

and they're a bit disappointed, you know?

We're trying to get away from the stereotypes,

we've got a new promotional tourist campaign called,

"Glasgow - Scotland With Style."

Anybody seen the posters?

It's one of these kind of, homogenised posters,

with people supposed to be the new face of Glasgow,

people with names like Nathan.

LAUGHTER

You know, every major city

advertises the happy people like Nathan,

and it's this guy's on the poster, Nathan,

sales assistant, proud, Glaswegian.

I don't think a sales assistant called Nathan

is a fair representation of any major city.

LAUGHTER

I think major cities should play up

to those stereotypes on the billboards,

advertising your city, show them real people,

like wee mental Davey.

LAUGHTER

Apprentice joiner.

LAUGHTER

Father of six.

LAUGHTER

HE CHUCKLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Davey's there, on the billboard with his six kids,

all tucked into the one tracksuit.

LAUGHTER

A Lacoste tracksuit, you know, only the best.

For these kids, they're all dressed up for their granny's 30th.

LAUGHTER

HE CHUCKLES

You've got the six kids, you've got Keanu, you've got Sigourney...

LAUGHTER

..Destiny, that's a new one I heard, Destiny.

Imagine naming your daughter after the nightclub she was conceived in.

HE CHUCKLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

This is Destiny, and this is my son, The Garage.

HE CHUCKLES

LAUGHTER

HE CHUCKLES

That was a nice shock statistic about teenage pregnancy.

Apparently one in three 15-year-olds in the UK

admit to being sexually active, that was a shock tabloid headline.

I don't know where they get this kind of evidence, you know?

I don't know who they ask to get these statistics, you know?

If some youth worker approached you when you were 15 years old...

..in front of all your pals...

LAUGHTER

..and asked you if you were sexually active...

LAUGHTER

You'd say, "Fuckin' right, mate."

LAUGHTER

"Who, Shagger?"

LAUGHTER

"Put me in for five, pal."

LAUGHTER

If you ever got any sex education at school, remember, word would spread,

when you were 15, if you went to the health centre and they gave you a condom,

so that was good, you went down the health centre and got your condoms, none of us were well sexed,

but you got the condoms,

filled them up with water.

LAUGHTER

They'd become water balloons.

Using a condom in a water fight, the thinking man's water fight,

but you'd always have one of your friends

who would take it a bit too far, and introduce a Durex Extra Safe.

LAUGHTER

A Durex Extra Safe in a water fight?

You'll fucking put somebody in a coma!

LAUGHTER

A Durex Ribbed Extra Safe.

He'll need facial reconstructions!

LAUGHTER

I'm getting to that age, I'm 23 years old, I'm 23,

and a lot of people don't believe that I'm 23,

I know in the west of Scotland, this is what a young guy looks like in this day and age.

I'm 23.

I look like a darts prodigy, don't I?

Look at that.

LAUGHTER

HE CHUCKLES

HE MAKES THE NOISE OF A DART HITTING A BOARD

HE CHUCKLES

I'm 23, so I'm getting to that stage some of my friends,

some of my cousins are having children,

and that way, you'll notice this, in a family gathering,

there's a newborn baby getting passed around somebody's living room

like a joint.

LAUGHTER

And everybody's saying their piece.

You know some people who have just got this natural rapport

when they speak to babies, they can just go,

"Aaah, look at you, aaah!

"Aaah!"

And the baby starts mumbling. "Are you telling me a wee story?"

It's getting closer and closer to me and I'm thinking, shit!

I need to pretend I give a fuck.

It gets to me and I just kind of freeze.

I'm going, "How you doing, mate?"

Then the baby feels the tension and starts to cry.

Everybody looks at me as if I'm in the wrong here.

Toughen up, you wee prick.

Dogs as well, I feel uneasy in the presence of dogs.

Not dogs in the traditional sense - dugs.

You know you get the difference. In Scotland, they call a dog a dug.

We take that O and make it U. A dog, a dug.

It's a slang term but it's also a social implication

in that you get dogs and you get dugs.

Do know what I mean by that?

You get, "Oh, look at that wee dog watch that fucking dug."

One of the big council house terriers with a name like Sasha.

Somebody brings it on a bus and it jumps on top of you on the bus

and you shite yourself.

And the owner is going, "Don't worry, she's only playing with you.

"She's just a big softy."

And the dog is going, "You know that's a lie."

"This isn't over."

23, still live at home.

Don't know if any young guys in the front still live at home.

Young guys at the front, a guy up in Block D said, "Yes."

23, you don't need to pay rent and stuff like that

but you pay mental rent, don't you?

I've always had a good relationship with my parents,

especially with my dad.

When you're seven, eight, nine years old, as a young guy,

traditionally, your dad is your hero, isn't he?

Your role model. He knows everything.

You want to follow in the guy's footsteps,

emulate the guy and then you get to about 12 years old,

you realise your dad's an arsehole.

It's a perfectly natural stage in adolescence,

discovering your dad's a bit of a knob.

It normally happens on Christmas Day

and involves building something.

I'd be sitting there working patiently away

using the instruction manual.

My dad would come in.

My dad is of the old school where the use of an instruction manual

is viewed as an admission of homosexuality.

That can get to fuck.

Where's the claw hammer?

And once you realise your dad is an arsehole,

you can kind of use it to your advantage.

I realised my dad was an arsehole in 1998.

1998, you never had Sky + or Sky HD, it was just Sky.

You had...I'd say three options.

You could get it via a satellite dish,

via a cable or you knew a guy that could get you a box.

One of the guys that can get you anything for 40 quid.

LAUGHTER

They can get you a Nissan Micra, 40 quid.

LAUGHTER

Can get you a set of golf clubs, 40 quid. An iPod Nano, 40 quid.

50 quid in cash, 40 quid.

LAUGHTER

Everybody's met a dodgy bastard. Right, 40 quid.

The satellite dish, that was a kind of working class option, satellite dish.

You want your neighbours to know you've got Sky TV.

If you're paying £25 a month,

-you want your neighbours knowing you're better than them.

-LAUGHTER

We had Sky through a satellite dish, 1998.

You could be watching Sky TV. I don't know if anyone remembers old school Sky.

You could be watching Sky TV in the living room,

but you could also go upstairs to the bedroom TVs and watch Sky,

but only what the person in the living room...

LAUGHTER

Only what they were watching.

I don't know the technical explanation as to why that happened. It just did.

LAUGHTER

Saturday nights, me and my Dad watching Match Of The Day.

It gets to the kind of shite games.

And I say, "I think I'm going to go to bed, Dad.

"Good night."

LAUGHTER

And he continues the charade. "You're going to bed?

"Ah, that's fine. Good night."

LAUGHTER

And there's a mutual father and son - "We both know what the plan is here".

LAUGHTER

Casually exit the living room, nice and slow.

Don't even stop off in the kitchen for a look in the fridge.

LAUGHTER

Eyes on the prize, right up the stairs.

LAUGHTER

Bedroom TV switched on, got to channel number six,

that's where you see what he's watching.

TVs are synchronised. But he's in control.

LAUGHTER

A few minutes go by and he's still watching Match Of The Day.

I'm thinking. "He must be giving it a couple of minutes.

-"Don't want to make it too obvious."

-LAUGHTER

"Nice and smooth, he's done this before."

LAUGHTER

Another few minutes go by.

I'm thinking, "Come on, stick to the plan, Andy!"

LAUGHTER

"You're better than this, come on."

LAUGHTER

Looking at the bottom right of the TV, waiting for the numbers to get typed in.

LAUGHTER

The numbers that can make or break the evening's entertainment.

LAUGHTER

Waiting for the numbers. "Go on, give me your numbers!"

Nine. That's good.

LAUGHTER

He's played a nine. Could not have hoped for a better start than a nine.

LAUGHTER

Zero five, the ten minute free view. Jackpot!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"You're a dirty bastard, Dad, but I love you!"

LAUGHTER

Back in the day, back in the old days...

I don't know if I can reminisce much at 23,

but I like to reminisce about the '90s, the good old days.

Back when it was just the Playstation 2 and stuff like that.

Remember when you got your first taste of independence,

when word had spread in your school that somebody's mum and dad

-were going away for the weekend.

-LAUGHTER

And that the guy or girl were having a party.

They never knew they were having a party.

LAUGHTER

Perhaps "having" is the wrong choice of word. They were getting a party.

LAUGHTER

I don't mean the kind of high school parties that you see in American movies.

BAD AMERICAN ACCENT: "Hey, do you guys know Chad Hogan?"

LAUGHTER

"Yeah, of course, man. Everybody knows Chad Hogan, man."

LAUGHTER

"Chad Hogan's mom and dad are going to Long Island for the weekend, man!

"There's a party at Chad Hogan's mom and dad's. Wooh!

"Spring break, yeah!"

LAUGHTER

"Chad Hogan's parties are awesome, man. Wooh!"

Then it shows you Chad Hogan's party.

Chad Hogan's booked a band for his living room.

LAUGHTER

"Great party, Chad. Wooh! Yeah!

"Let's go get some dip and chip."

LAUGHTER

Everybody's nodding with these plastic cups of beer.

Nobody knows who brought them.

They weren't the kind of parties we had. We never had those parties.

We never had Spring Break. We had the Easter Holidays!

LAUGHTER

When I was growing up, it was called an empty.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It derives from "We've got an empty house, we've got an empty."

"The house is empty, it's an empty!"

LAUGHTER

You never had "Spring Break!"

And Chad Hogan, or bands at an empty.

An empty was a far more tense affair.

LAUGHTER

Somebody's furious cousin would disrupt

the ambience by announcing he'd purchased 12 cans,

drank two,

gave one away.

But there's only seven left.

LAUGHTER

-"We've got a can thief. Fucking turn that down!"

-LAUGHTER

-Somebody else in the corner, just trying on people's jackets.

-LAUGHTER

"Do you think this one suits me?"

Not even asking, "Does it fit me?" "Does it suit me?"

LAUGHTER

The guy's a petty criminal, but you need to look your best!

The same guy that's leaving the house at the end of the night, holding a microwave.

LAUGHTER

-"I think you'll find I brought this with me."

-LAUGHTER

"And I do not care for the accusation!"

LAUGHTER

"Why would I steal a microwave?"

LAUGHTER

A 35-year-old guy that nobody knew in the corner.

Smoking dope and blowing into a Labrador's face.

LAUGHTER

An intelligent dog as well and it's sitting there, frazzled.

LAUGHTER

An empty!

Good times in an empty.

I seen a headline about a mental party.

-It was obviously a tragic event, but it was pretty funny.

-LAUGHTER

It said, "Woman drugged, beaten, tied up

"and left for dead at neighbour's party".

Surely that can no longer be referred to as a party.

LAUGHTER

I've been in attendance at some pretty wild gaffs, but when a woman

has been drugged, beaten, tied up, "I'd better get a taxi!"

LAUGHTER

That's the cue to stop dishing out nibbles.

LAUGHTER

A lot of violent crime. That's been in the news. Knife crime, gun crime.

There are calls for tougher sentences.

I think we need more consistent sentences.

For example, the crime attempted murder

that carries a six or seven year jail sentence.

Murder carries a life sentence. Why should that be different?

-You still tried it.

-LAUGHTER

Attempted. You tried to kill somebody. You weren't very good at it!

LAUGHTER

It was by no means your forte. I don't think you should get a lesser sentence.

In my opinion you should get double for making an arse of it.

LAUGHTER

Then you get police officers that travel round schools

to give talks to kids about knife crime.

At the end of the talks they give the kid a sticker,

that says, "Dennis the Menace", or something like that.

"Dennis the Menace says no to knives."

I don't mean to be cynical, but if you wore a "Dennis the Menace says no to knives" sticker at school,

there's a good chance you'd get stabbed.

LAUGHTER

I think the start would be to close the shops that sell violent weapons.

You know you get these sports shops that sell crossbows to alcoholics,

you know these places?

Sports shops that sell 3,000 baseball bats every year

but have never sold a baseball.

LAUGHTER

"The Easterhouse Red Sox haven't had a game in a while, but we're..."

LAUGHTER

"We're still selling them equipment. They must have a pretty hectic pre-season schedule booked."

LAUGHTER

I was in one of these places doing a bit of research

and the only security measure if you want to buy something that could be construed as a violent weapon

is you need to fill in a form leaving your name and address

so if anything happens you can be easily traced for questioning.

Now that's the theory. What self-respecting nutcase...

..buying a weapon with a view to committing a heinous felony,

would leave their real name and address?

I picture some police investigation team going through the book.

They'd say, "Excuse me, shop owner..."

"It says here you sold a samurai sword to Bert and Ernie?"

LAUGHTER

"From 24 Sesame Street?"

LAUGHTER

Then some new guy cop, they've sent him on a wild goose chase somewhere.

Sesame Street not showing up on the satnav.

LAUGHTER

Sliding down the window for directions. "Excuse me..."

"Excuse me made, sorry, excuse me, excuse me. Can you, eh..."

"..tell me..."

LAUGHTER

"..how to get...

"..how to get to Sesame?" That's a fucking wind-up, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Now we're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.

I don't know if we've got any fat people in the room. Have we got any fat people in?

-CHEERING

-I'm a little bit rotund myself.

I don't mean I'm fat. I'd give myself chubby. I'm not documentary fat.

LAUGHTER

Never going to turn on Channel 4 on Tuesday night and see a guy like me,

"Tonight, we meet the 14-stone man."

LAUGHTER

"That looks disgusting."

"Anybody watch that 14-stone man last night? Shocking."

"Showed you this guy, couldn't even do 20 minutes on the treadmill."

"It was... It showed you the guy having his dinner."

"He had a gammon steak and oven chips."

"Then he'd five Jaffa cakes, and a Penguin."

LAUGHTER

"14 stone! It's on again next week. The guy's shocking."

That's how we've got an obesity epidemic.

Don't have the facilities. That's how we've got an obesity epidemic.

If you've got a bit of a waist, it means you've got to shop in shit holes.

You walk in somewhere trendy like Top Shop for a pair of jeans -

somewhere trendier than that maybe, River Island.

Walk into River Island and you know the sales assistants

that work in these places, some indie band freak show

they come bouncing across to serve you?

They've got that kind of, "Hey man, yeah, wooh!"

LAUGHTER

Telling you to chillax.

LAUGHTER

"Why don't you just chillax, man?" Anybody ever told you to chillax?

They've took the word 'chill' and the word 'relax' and combined them

to make ironically the most infuriating work there's ever been.

They come bouncing over, they've got that energy and enthusiasm

that oozes from people who have never been punched in the face.

LAUGHTER

But you require this guy's assistance.

You're in Top Shop, they sell jeans. You're in Top Shop, you need jeans.

So I had to say, "Excuse me mate, can I try on these jeans, please?"

In a 36-inch waist.

And his enthusiasm...

LAUGHTER

Was that you? Good to see you again.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Try a 38!

Try a 38?

Fuck you, man.

Ask the guy, "Try the jeans on, in a 38-inch waist." Good call, right.

Shut it! 38-inch waist...

Regardless, a 36, a 38-inch waist.

You say to the guy, "Can I try these jeans on in a 40-inch waist?" Right.

38-inch waist. And the guy, his enthusiasm just drains.

And he looks at you, appalled.

Know that way you would look at somebody

if they just took a shite in your kettle?

Imagine somebody took a shite in your kettle, you'd be furious,

wouldn't you?

It is a social faux pas.

"Did you just shite in the kettle?!"

LAUGHTER

"I don't come into your house and shite in your kettle.

"You've changed, man."

CHEERING

Shiting in kettles!

I started shopping in proper shithole clothes shops.

You don't get judged in a proper shithole clothes shop.

I was in a place called Dunnes Stores.

It's the hot, new, up-and-coming shithole clothes shop on the scene.

Somewhere between Primark and shoplifting.

LAUGHTER

Now I've got a theory about clothes shops.

I find in a clothes shop, the cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer.

Anybody ever done that thing, you've been in a shop and you confuse

another shopper for being a member of the staff? Right...

You go to ask them a question and they go,

"I don't actually... I don't actually work here."

And you go, "I thought you worked here,"

and you both share a chuckle and move on.

It's finished. However, in Dunnes Stores, it's no laughing matter.

The cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer.

Tensions run through the roof in these kind of places.

I was in this dump.

And a guy said to me, he said, "Excuse me.

"Excuse me.

"EXCUSE ME, BUDDY."

LAUGHTER

"How much?

"How much are these?"

-And I said...

-CHUCKLE

"I don't actually work here, buddy."

And he said, "That's not what I fucking asked you."

Dunnes Stores.

That was my first ever job, part-time job,

I used to work in TK Maxx.

CHEERING

Thank you.

TK Maxx. I was in charge of the changing rooms, that was my job.

I was the guy that would count your items, then give you a number.

So if you were trying on three items, I gave you a number three.

And if you were trying on four items, I gave you a number four.

But we only had numbers one to six.

And this one time a woman was trying on seven items.

And everybody was fucking freaking out.

I said, "Calm ourselves here, let's just calm ourselves.

"Give me the six.

"Give me the one.

"Problem solved."

HE CHUCKLES

Unemployment... That was my first ever job.

I remember being unemployed as well.

I used to study psychology, for three weeks, that was my thing.

Psychology, three weeks studying psychology. Get a bit freaked out.

Sigmund Freud, he was a sex pest.

He had a theory that young guys have sexual feelings

towards their own mothers.

I remember reading this and thinking,

"The guy's obviously never seen my mother."

A lovely woman, but you wouldn't ride her into battle.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've been unemployed, I feel sorry for anybody unemployed.

It's a pretty tough time to go through in your life.

I remember being in the Job Centre. I think Job Centres should be renamed The Shite Job Centre.

You never walk by a Job Centre and see in the window

"Forensic detective required."

"Barrister required."

It's always "Customer service advisor's assistant required."

"Could you make the tea for the guy who makes the coffee?"

I remember being in the Job Centre.

Everything was "Must have experience.

"Must have qualifications." I'm just a dickhead, never had much of that.

Last option, just left school, I can join the army.

Right, you've got the British Army Recruitment Desk.

You've got the two guys there, Robson and Jerome sitting there...

..with the berets on.

The guy's going, ("Come on with us, son. Be the best.)

("Do you want shot? We'll get ye shot, come on.")

And I'm thinking, "Me, join the army?

"T-Mobile just said I don't have enough qualifications

"to sell phones."

LAUGHTER

"Microsoft just said I don't have enough experience to answer phones.

"And you want to give me a machine gun?"

I was at a Christian rock festival.

Never meant to be there, Christian rock festival,

I was just passing through the Christian Celebration Festival.

There was a stall set up that said, "A free toastie...

"..for all of God's children."

A free toastie.

So I thought, "Shamone."

I said, "Good afternoon. Good afternoon, sir.

"May I have a toastie?"

And the guy said, "Are you a Christian?"

And I thought, "Well, if I'm not a Christian,

"am I not getting a toastie?"

LAUGHTER

"That's very unchristian!"

And the guy crumbled under the weight of my argument.

And he said, "OK, you can have cheese or cheese-and-ham."

And I said, "Just cheese, mate. Cos I'm a Jew."

That's how you get a free toastie off the Lord, people.

I don't really know the big, know the big debate between religion and science?

Atheism's becoming quite cool in 2010.

The big debate between religion and science...

I would always take religion, purely on a basic level.

Remember at school science was quite difficult?

You had to read stuff and remember stuff, right?

Whereas religious was a skive.

Just some guilt-ridden middle-aged woman reading passages

from the Bible to a class full of hyperactive adolescents

pissing themselves laughing

at something that's been drawn on the blackboard. That was a skive.

I'd like to believe in something.

You don't just live and then die and that's it finished.

I'd like to believe there's something bigger than this.

It's hard, you know, you think, "Where's the evidence?

"If there's a God, why is there so much evil in the world?

"Why is there famine, corruption, greed, stuff like that?"

And you think, "Maybe..." You need to make up your own theories.

I've combined a bit of religion, a bit of atheism

and came to my own conclusions. Maybe God created the world...

but then he fucked off.

LAUGHTER

He's God, he's going to have more than one property, isn't he?

Maybe we've got the place to ourselves. We've got an empty.

This is the world.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And like all good empties, it's got a bit out of hand.

That's why you've got terrorism, corruption, greed.

Maybe God will come back one day

and go, "Look at the fucking state of this place.

"Everybody get oot!"

You'd have world leaders and corrupt bankers,

people shuffling out the door going,

"Sorry, we never thought you were coming back, mate. Sorry about the mess."

The Pope sitting there, the Pope knows he's getting grounded.

LAUGHTER

"I'll speak to you in a minute, Pope."

HE CHUCKLES

Ah, "Live and let live," that's the motto, I believe,

"unless you're a dick." That's my motto.

Did the election fever grip... Anybody vote in the election?

Anybody get interested with the big election this year?

I watched the three leadership debates and I thought, "Wow.

"I'm definitely going to draw a cock and balls on the ballot paper."

It was quite good when Gordon Brown got caught on the microphone.

They said he'd just got unlucky,

cos the microphone just died as he got out...

They just managed to catch him saying what he said.

He was talking about... I think he got pretty lucky.

If the microphone had stayed on, we'd have heard what he really thought.

"Just some bigoted old woman." You know, "Who's idea was that?

"Was that Sue's idea? Absolute disaster.

"Just a bigoted old woman. What she needed was a good fucking ride,

"that's what she needed.

"Eastern European immigrants, just a good cock, that's what she needs."

You need Eastern European immigrants.

I was in a party with Polish people.

There was one Polish guy, I was speaking to him, right.

The Polish guy never spoke any English.

Now, I don't speak much Polish,

so it became apparent that a conversation would present

some significant linguistical challenges.

Then I remembered I'd done some French when I was younger. French.

Find the common denominator with the Polish guy.

So I said, "Parlez-vous francais?"

Then the Polish guy says, "Oui."

And I'm going, "..Cool."

See, "parlez-vous francais?" is kind of all I've got in the tank.

But the Polish guy now thinks I speak French, so...

-He's going...

-IMITATES FRENCH

"Oui?"

The next day, "Who told that Polish guy

"he could take a shite in the kettle?!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You need a bit of immigration in the world. You need a few...

I feel sorry for asylum seekers.

You know, you read about them, their applications get expelled,

they get accused of lying, lying about being in danger.

I think if somebody's prepared to travel thousands of miles

in the back of a lorry, starving themselves for weeks,

risking their lives at the border controls

just to get a council flat in Sighthill...

..something's frightening the shite out them.

BNP this year,

they got forced to allow non-white people to join the BNP.

I thought that was pretty cool.

I'd encourage people from every ethnic group to join the BNP.

You know, let's ruin their party.

I'd love to live in a country

where the white supremacists are black!

"I'm supposed to be racist, who's this guy? How's he in my team?"

We had a bit of racial animosity in this city, in Glasgow,

when we got our terrorist attack, remember that?

Glasgow Airport. We got our own little terrorist attack.

Pretty proud of that. It kind of put us on the map.

Islamic fundamentalists attacked New York, Madrid, London

and then Glasgow.

We were fucking flattered.

My dad had a tear in his eye. "It's a proud day, son.

"That's us on the telly, look at that, I've been there.

"I've parked there!"

And everybody had a laugh.

But terrorism does have a negative side.

It did create a kind of racial divide.

I witnessed this first-hand on a train going down south,

on this train, just me, sitting here, and a middle-aged guy,

sitting just along a bit. Now, a couple of stops later,

a woman of Asian appearance boarded the train

and sat beside the middle-aged guy, who immediately stood up

and walked away.

You ever seen that film Snakes On A Plane?

This was Jakes On A Train, right. That's funny.

Walked away, right...

The middle-aged guy stood up and just walked away, and sat beside me.

He started to nudge me.

Know that way a scumbag presumes

that you're also going to be a scumbag?

Nudging me, and he's pointing, and he said,

"I don't fancy sitting beside her, pal.

"No chance. She'll be one of they, one of they suicide bombers.

"I'm taking no chances."

I thought, "I can see your logic here, mate.

"You thought she might be a suicide bomber,

"so you've came and sat four seats away.

"Seriously underestimating the power of Semtex.

"Think she's got a stink bomb?"

"This is the jihad, for Allah!"

"That is fucking bowfin', hen. That is..."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"Open that window. Smelly Taliban bastards.

"That is disgusting.

"Somebody get a can of Febreze, there's been a terrorist attack.

"That is absolutely mingin'."

But you're stuck with the guy the whole way going down south,

going to London. The guy said, "Are you going to London?"

And I said, "Aye."

And he said, "I don't like London.

"Guys like me and you, mate, we're the foreigners in London.

"They're coming over here, mate, and they're speaking Punjabi."

I remember the way the guy said Punjabi was pretty funny,

"They're speakin' poon-jabby!

"They're wearing these burqas, mate. This is OUR country.

"If they want to come into our country,

"they should at least be adapting to our culture."

And I'm looking at this guy, thinking,

"I bet when he goes abroad, he really blends in."

Walking about Lanzarote looking for a Greggs.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

"You don't understand my accent? A Daily Record, ya dick!"

Summertime's approaching, holiday time's coming up.

-Anybody going on holiday?

-CHEERING

Anybody? "Woo, yeah!"

I've been on a few different types of holidays.

I remember I went on holiday when I was like seven years old.

There's a big age gap between me and my brother, so I'd need to go at seven years old, with just me,

my mum and dad, and I'd be bored on the first day.

My mum would say, "Don't worry. I'll find you a wee pal.

"Don't worry, we'll find you a wee friend,

"we'll find you somebody to play with. Don't worry."

I'd get introduced to some other stray...

..who would come with a disclaimer.

"Kevin, this is Brandon. Brandon doesn't like the pool."

I'd say, "Hi, Brandon." He'd say, "Hi, Kev."

"Brandon doesn't like the sunshine.

"Brandon doesn't play football."

"Brilliant(!) Two weeks in Mallorca,

"sitting in the shade...

"..playing Connect Four with an albino."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You go on holiday, lying round the pool, relaxing during the day,

And here comes this guy with a T-shirt on and a whistle,

you know, the leader of the kids' club.

This...prick. Leader of the kids' club.

Blowing his whistle, trying to get the kids into the shallow end

for a game of water polo.

And you've got all these wee inbred mutant bastards...

..screaming and splashing,

going, "Mummy!"

It's that accent again, "Mummy! Daddy just farted!

"Mummy, can I have an ice cream?"

And there's the Scottish kids, they're just kind of floating...

They're still fucked from the night before.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

SIGHING

"Water polo, mate? Maybe some other time, eh?

"We're not long in, mate, we just got in, man, honestly.

"I was doing two-for-ones in that Sports Cafe last night.

"I've got a throat like a junkie's carpet, man."

"Mummy! Mummy, can I have an ice cream?"

-THICK GLASGOW ACCENT:

-"Ho, Dad.

"Ho, Dad.

"HO, DAD. Ho, Brian.

"Give us another one of your fags, gonnae?

"Gies a fag."

And beside you is the Scottish boy's mum and dad.

I say dad, Brian, I don't know, the guy that took the hit.

She's saying, "That's embarrassing. That is absolutely cringeworthy.

"He's only 12 and he's asking me for a fag.

"He's asking me and you for a fag.

"He's only 12. You'd better speak to him."

The mum's there, worried about looking cringeworthy.

She's sitting there with Lidl and Aldi tattooed...

"You'd better speak to him."

The dad goes, Brian goes, "Don't worry, hen. I'll speak to him.

"Hey, you fucking get your own fags, ya wee dick."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"They're only a quid a packet."

Then you get a bit older and you go on a holiday with your mates,

as I'm sure a few of you are doing, a few young people in the room,

going on your first holiday with your mates.

-CHEERING

-That's when you see proper carnage.

When you go on holiday with your mates,

you confuse "having a laugh" and "being a major health and safety hazard".

You'll see groups of guys walking about the airport,

"Anything To Declare?"

"Aye, he's a gay-boy."

"Know how that sign said Anything To Declare?,

"and I said, 'He's a gay-boy'? This holiday's going to be mental."

The carnage starts before you even leave your own country.

On the plane, about to leave, that's when you see chaos on a plane.

You know, guys just swinging their T-shirts round their head on the plane.

There's always one guy delayed.

He's getting the final call back in the departure lounge.

"Final, final call. Final call."

The whole plane's delayed, seatbelts fastened, waiting to go.

Waiting on this guy. He finally emerges.

Front of the plane, the sombrero emerges.

LAUGHTER

And rather than apologise for the inconvenience

and the delay that he's caused everybody on the plane,

he just kind of scopes the cabin to find the rest of his pals...

..and shouts, "Haw-haw!

"Here we go!"

And the whole plane's thinking, "No chance.

"This plane better crash."

The guy's swinging his T-shirt round his head, singing.

That's the kind of flights that you want to see a hijacker on,

on that plane.

You want to see an al-Qaeda suicide bomb attempt on that plane.

Glasgow to Palma.

I don't mean that in a self-congratulatory way.

I think the hijackers would have the manpower, the willpower,

determination and the belief

that the only stumbling block would be getting a word in...

..on that flight, Glasgow to Palma.

You've spent the last 15 years of your life in Taliban training camps,

on the flight simulators, ready to die for a cause you believe in,

ready to give your life for 72 virgins.

For Allah. For the jihad.

You're on that plane. You're trying to stay focused.

It must be pretty intense, the place you need to go to inside your mind

to commit such an atrocity.

You're trying to stay concentrated

whilst an inflatable crocodile gets smacked off the back of your head.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Gonnae pass that back up, mate? Cheers."

But the show must go on. The kamikaze headband goes on.

You're in the aisle shouting, "Allah hu akbar. Allah hu akbar."

Nobody bats an eyelid.

People singing and banging the windows.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Allah hu akbar!"

People having drunken conversations, "Are we humans or are we dancers?

"That song really spoke to me.

"Cos obviously I'm, I'm human, but I like to dance, so I don't know...

"Is there an option for a guy like me in this...whole predicament?"

"He's hijacking the plane? I'll burst him, where is he?

"I'll put the fag out in a minute, mate, I'm dealing with a potential terror threat here."

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

"Fucking jobsworth."

The guy's still shouting, "Allah hu akbar!"

"Mate, sit on your arse, I'm trying to see the telly."

"Aye, it's Kronenbourg. Just the wee cans. Pringles? Pringles?

"Pringles?"

Then eventually...

Eventually tell the guy to sit on his arse, cuddle the guy.

It'd be a beautiful moment for world peace, just sitting there, saying,

"You're killing yourself for 72 virgins, mate.

"We're going to Magaluf, man."

You're lovely. Ladies and gentlemen of Glasgow,

it's been a pleasure talking to you, thanks a lot...

..for coming out.

CHEERING

Goodnight. God bless.

See you soon.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd