Funny on the Foyle

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Patrick Kielty.

CHEERING

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh, good evening, all. Thank you very much.

Good evening, folks. Welcome to the show. How are you doing?

Are we all OK?

-Yes?

-CHEERING

Yes. This is Funny From The Foyle.

We're coming to you tonight from the venue here in Derry-Londonderry...

..as part of, em...

LAUGHTER

As part of 2013 City of Culture, honestly.

Cos, for me, nothing says culture more than a big tent.

Can you feel the culture?

A big tent in an abandoned army base, "Oh, the culture."

It's great, isn't it?

On the sight of an old army barracks.

How times have changed.

Eh, if I'd have been standing here 25 years ago,

I'd have been entertaining the troops.

And you would have been being questioned.

It's great to be here now.

Lovely to be here tonight in Derry-Londonderry.

Is that what you're...? Is that what you've gone for in the end?

Is that what you're calling yourselves now?

You flash bastards, eh?

Oh, you're so cultured.

Oh, you've changed up here, haven't you?

Throw on a couple of films with subtitles

and a bit of a ceilidh, and you've gone all double-barrelled on us, eh?

Oh, you're so posh. You're like something out of Downton Abbey.

"Have you met the Derry-Londonderry's mama?"

"Yes, unfortunately I have, dear."

"But I think someone may have married below themselves."

How do you manage to get away with that?

If I'd gone double-barrelled when I got married,

you'd have bottled me out of it, wouldn't you?

"Have you met the Kielty-Deeleys?"

That wouldn't have went down well, would it?

The Kielty-Deeleys. It sounds like a Hugo Duncan song, doesn't it?

# Come down from the mountain, Kielty-Deeley. #

I'll explain that joke to the wife when I get home.

But it's great.

I know everybody isn't happy with Derry-Londonderry,

but I think it's nice. I think you can all sound more cultured now.

When people ask when you're from, you can sound like James Bond.

The name's Derry...Londonderry.

Embrace it!

I'll have a W K D.

Shaken not stirred.

It's an example for everybody. Everybody should use it.

If you can't agree, that's what we should do.

Where are you from, sir?

I'm from Ireland-Northern Ireland.

What about you?

Palestine. Israel-Palestine.

I'm glad we got it sorted.

It was very confusing for any tourist that used to come before.

They didn't know where they were.

Even the sat-nav whenever it got to Drumahoe used to go,

"Oh, for fuck's sake, make your mind up."

Nobody knew!

You see, you see, you lot don't know.

It's confusing for anybody else whenever they come up.

People don't have a clue.

Imagine if you're actually a tourist listening to the sat nav,

trying to leave the town and head for Donegal.

"You are now leaving Derry-Londonderry.

"Please proceed north till the South."

HE MOUTHS

So it's lovely to be here in UK City of Culture.

CHEERING

We've found the Protestants, there you go.

Or as Martin McGuinness just calls it...

"Mm, eh, City of Culture."

"Welcome to the City of Culture."

Congratulations, Martin, where is it? European City of Culture?

"No."

Ireland's City of Culture?

"No.

"Mm, heh, City of Culture."

So, em, so I've decided to make an effort for you tonight, folks.

Can you tell anything different with the appearance?

No?

Well, what I've done is I've actually decided to come because

of City of Culture, I've decided to come in traditional Derry man dress.

I have.

Black shoes.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: White socks.

-White socks.

CHEERING

White socks.

My mammy's even put my name on them. Look.

There it is there.

Of course, just to round it off, mucka.

There you go, a bad tache.

Look, can you see that? Can you see that there?

Honestly, I've been growing this.

I've been pretending that this is for Movember.

It's actually for this gig. We had to put the gig back twice.

I've been trying to grow a moustache since June. It's a shocker.

I don't get that whole Movember thing. Whose idea was that, eh?

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great idea in principle -

men sticking two fingers up to prostate cancer.

OK, let's just start...let's just start with one. But...

But how's it connected?

Growing a moustache and sticking your finger up your arse. Who...?

Eh?

It's the only health campaign in the world devised by the Village People.

What's going on there?

I love all the events this year.

All the great events.

I have to say, my favourite this year is the masquerade ball.

HE LAUGHS

Whose idea was that? A masquerade ball these days in Derry.

Where's anybody going to get a mask these days for a masquerade ball?

It's basically Strictly Does Sinn Fein.

That's basically what a masquerade ball is, isn't it?

Or Sinn Fein Does Strictly, if I was telling that joke correctly.

Don't worry, that's the line we'll use.

Sinn Fein Does Strictly.

"Dancing the cha-cha-cha...or should that be the ra-ra-ra?"

"It's Martin McGuinness and his partner Tatiana."

Martin standing in front of the judges.

Nothing new there.

AUDIENCE GRUMBLES

Oh, they didn't like that, they didn't like that.

Standing in front of Bruno and Craig,

two Orange men judging him again.

So are we ready for more culture tonight? Yes? Yes.

Look at you all pretending that you love it.

Look at you all secretly busting, waiting for the end of the year.

You're up to your back teeth in culture. Isn't that right?

Look at you all secretly just waiting for January

so you can get back to normal.

What a year it's been. Start of the year in January,

"Oh, I'm looking forward to all the culture. It's going to be great.

April - "Holy God, gee, culture, some boy, gee, it's powerful.

"Powerful culture. Oh, my God.

"Powerful altogether."

September - "Oh, don't get me wrong now, you know, but like...

"there's a fair wee bit of it, isn't there, like?"

December - "Fucking culture."

Don't worry, there's only a few more days to go.

12 o'clock on New Year's Eve is going to be the biggest party

this town has ever seen. People able to get back to normal.

No tourists to impress. People able to piss freely in the streets again.

Are we ready for our first act this evening, folks?

Yes.

We've got a great night of comedy coming up.

Comedy, of course, like Derry has changed a lot over the years.

Back in the '70s Irish jokes were, "Paddy says to Murphy,

"Murphy says to Paddy, Paddy says to Murphy."

Thank God all of that is gone.

So it gives me, Patrick Kielty,

great pleasure to welcome on stage Colin Murphy.

CHEERING

Yes. Yes.

Good evening, people of the Foyle and surrounding regions.

What is going to happen to this tent at the end of the year?

That's the thing.

There's at least four people going, "That'd do our Sinead's communion."

I reckon you could club together

and get three streets in Shantallow into this tent.

It's fantastic. Yeah, ooh.

Derry. Derry is fantastic.

There is a can-do culture about Derry that I've always admired.

You don't take no for an answer.

You don't wait around for people to do things for you, you just go,

"Oh, we'll do it."

"Theatre? We don't have a theatre. We want a theatre."

"That building's empty."

HE IMITATES EXPLOSION

"Theatre."

It's fantastic. It is. It's very positive.

Everybody's very upbeat, which is surprising for Derry.

But everybody is really upbeat.

Today, walking over the bridge, having a nice time, walking.

"Oh, it's lovely."

You've got loads of tourists now as well.

Enjoying the tourists?

How many times do you have to give directions to people?

It's just... "Oh, it's just up there."

It's just...

I feel sorry for the tourists coming here, not just to Derry

but the whole of the north.

You know, we promise so much.

Every single Centra, every single petrol station that you go to

now has a delicatessen, and has a sign outside that says delicatessen.

I feel sorry for all the French and the Italians and the Spanish...

..driving down the road going, "Oh, voila!"

# Delicatessen, delicatessen

# Oh, delicatessen. #

Oh, prosciutto, some focaccia, some Parma ham. A nice bottle of vino.

Beautiful.

Then they arrive in.

There's some woman in a tabard going, "Hi."

Egg and onion.

And sausage rolls. That's all we've left.

I can put the sausage rolls in a baguette for you if you want.

Brown sauce is traditional.

You can tell how rough it is. Did you get a new swimming pool?

No? No.

See, you missed out on that.

Sport isn't culture. That's the thing, isn't it?

I was in a swimming pool recently.

You can tell how rough... This is how rough the place was.

This is completely true. This is in Newtownards Swimming Pool.

In Newtownards Swimming Pool, on the inside of the swimming pool,

at the deep end, written on the wall, in letters that big in red,

inside the swimming pool, it says, "No smoking."

That's what it says.

You have to be a dedicated smoker to be in a pool going...

"I've got my fags in my hat."

I'm not really a sporty person. I've got rules with sport.

There's some sports I don't consider sports.

If you can smoke while you're doing it, it's not a sport. That's my rule.

Darts - not a sport. Snooker - not a sport.

Golf - not a sport.

Anything involving a car - not a sport.

Not only can you smoke, you can listen to the radio.

That is not a sport.

Rally driving, that's not a sport, that's just culties lost.

That's all that is.

"Left, right, left, left, right, left.

"You've missed it, you eejit, you."

It's all of this.

We were taught GAA at school. That's all we had in school.

That's not a sport,

you can't have a sport with 30 people on the pitch and only three surnames.

That's wrong.

It's just culties in hot pants, that's all it is.

Horse racing - that's not a sport.

That's just a tiny man holding on to an animal. That's all it is.

That's all it is. At the end of the race, they interview the tiny man.

Not the horse, the tiny man. How do you think the race went?

"I thought it went well. Hit him with a stick, he was going really fast. He was jumping over the jumps.

"Thought he was going to slow down, but I hit him and he went fast. The man behind me, he's hitting his,

"and I was hitting mine faster. I was going harder, harder. And as I say, I won."

Meanwhile, the horse is behind him going...

"Stitch. Jesus. They shot my brother."

I'm going to attempt a first now, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm not a very religious man, but you know what I love?

I love the sound of Mass. I love the sound that it makes.

I'm going to be the first man ever in Derry to do Mass...

..on the waterside. So this...

If...if you've ever wondered what goes on, if you're not Catholic and

you've ever wondered what goes on at Mass, "What are they saying in there?

"What are they saying in there?"

"What are they saying?

"I want to know what they're saying, but I'm not going in.

"No, I'm not going in."

This is what it is - it's complicated. Mass is very difficult.

I've been to Protestant services, they seem to be simple.

There seem to be two positions - standing and sitting.

When you're standing - singing. When you're sitting - listening.

That's the way it seems to work.

Catholic service is a lot more involved, more going on.

There's a lot of movement. It's like a really slow t'ai chi.

There's kneeling and sitting and standing and sitting

and kneeling and sitting and then kneeling and then sitting.

Standing then shaking hands with everybody.

Shaking hands.

Sitting. Then the worse one. Getting caught.

You don't know whether to kneel or sit. That's the worse one.

You just perch. You perch, look around, perch.

Kneel, kneel, kneel.

The worst one of all - stand up. Everyone else sits down.

That's the worst.

We don't know the words, everybody thinks they know the words.

You do know the words when they're there,

but as soon as you leave...gone. You have no idea.

It's like Bohemian Rhapsody - you listen to it on the radio,

you know every single word.

If somebody stopped you on the street - no idea whatsoever.

That's exactly the same.

We'll do Mass now. I'm the priest I'm at the front.

I've got lights and a microphone.

You're the congregation, obviously.

Don't worry, you're not going to hell for doing this, it's fine.

We're not going to say anything.

What you're going to do is recreate that sound of Mass.

All together,

everybody even if you're not a believer of anything, just join in.

What you have to say is, what you have to say is,

"Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina."

Everybody together. I'll point to you and you do it, OK?

Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina.

Now, there's 2,500 people in here.

Make a bit more noise than that.

It's a big cathedral.

Or are yous going, "Don't say it too loud?

"Do you know where we are?"

It'll be hilarious if someone's walking across the street outside.

We'll try it again. One, two, three, go.

Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina.

Beautiful.

That's fantastic.

I'll be the priest, I'll point to you, you do the thing. This is Mass.

Humin-humin, hamin-humin

haman-haman-haman.

Haman-haman.

Humin-haman-haman.

Haman-haman-haman.

Haman-haman.

Maman-mana-hamanan.

Maman-haman.

Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina.

Maman-haman.

Maman-haman.

-Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina

-Maman-haman.

-Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina.

-Maman-haman.

Hum-huminah-huminah-huminah-humina.

The Mass has ended. Go in peace. Thank you very much.

Thank you, bye-bye. Thank you.

Thanks for that.

One more time, let's hear it for Colin Murphy, come on.

HE IMITATES COLIN'S MASS

OK, we've got a real treat for you now, folks.

I first saw this man back in the 1980s.

When I started out, I thought maybe one day I'd be as funny as him.

25 years later, I'm afraid it's still waiting to happen.

But that's great news for you tonight.

Enjoy him, and I'll take notes.

Please welcome Tyrone's greatest comedy export

since Hugo Duncan, Mr Kevin McAleer.

CHEERING

I'm still laughing at that Mass. I'll be all right in a minute.

I brought my own microphone. I wouldn't trust those microphones.

A lot of them are bugged.

I just have to decide what height I am now. Somewhere about there, yeah?

Hello, Derry-Londonderry.

SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS REPLY

Hello, Derry-Londonderry. I can't hear you.

CHEERING

Still can't hear your. Hello, Derry-London... I can't.

It's me, actually. I've got a... I've got a buzz.

I've got a buzz in my ears.

Yeah, I've had it... I've had it all year, actually.

There's a buzz going round.

It's a real problem.

I went to the doctor, he hit me on the knee with a hammer.

I punched him...

..straight in the face.

Nobody accuses me of being a drug dealer.

I said, "I've got this buzz."

He said, "Oh, yeah, that's the City of Culture buzz.

"There's a lot of that.

"A lot of people in here with that.

"There's no cure for it, it just has to run its course."

I said, "I can't sleep.

"I'm up all night, I'm running to the theatre every two hours."

"Definitely," he said, "that's the Derry-hoea"

LAUGHTER

"Yeah, you'll be all right. You'll be all right in January.

"Just try to drink plenty and wear some earplugs,

"and stay away from Hull."

For those people thinking at home in black and white,

we're on the Protestant side of the river here.

We're on the upper-east side.

Young people, they don't care about that sectarian stuff.

It's all old hat. Not on our side anyway, you know, it's...

It's that other shower that are the problems.

But we're all the same.

People say, "Oh, it's not the UK City of Culture, it's not the UK,

"it's not a city, it's not culture, it's not of, it's London of."

We're all the same. Let's get over it.

We're all Irish at the end of the day, eh?

APPLAUSE

Some of us.

It's all semantic, not that I'm anti-semantic.

The Peace Bridge is fantastic. Couldn't fault it.

It's changed my whole perspective on Derry.

It's changed the geography and the history.

It's a beautiful-looking thing, as well.

It's a work of art, really, it could have won the Turner Prize, frankly.

And might yet, next year.

But, now I don't like to be critical about it,

but there's one thing I don't like to be negative at the end of this

fantastic positive year, but there's one thing about the Peace Bridge.

Somebody has to say it, it's... It's not straight.

Far from it.

No, if you actually stand at one end of it and look up,

which you have to do to walk across it, there's a curve.

If you close one eye, there's a curve in it.

Not one, actually, two. It curves the other way then.

Obviously what they did, they built half of it and they thought,

"Oh, God, it's not straight, they noticed it."

Rather than doing the sensible thing of knocking it down

and building It again, they thought,

"Oh, we'll do it the other way and it will come out

"roughly within 50 yards of where it was supposed to."

I suppose you have to understand,

a lot of these people never had jobs before.

You have to make allowances. God love them.

It was only the women in the shirt factory had jobs.

If they had have done the bridge it would be a lot straighter anyway,

that's for sure.

People say, what's-what's-what's wrong with a few bends?

"Sure, let it go."

Yeah, but if it was straight, which is should be, it would

actually knock 20 seconds off the time that it takes to run across it.

That 20 seconds could save your life, you know?

Like if you were caught on the wrong side, see...

Or if you were in the middle of some cross community situation,

you know, and had to get home in a hurry.

It could be vital.

There's so much to celebrate, isn't there?

It's one big celebration, the whole decade, really.

We had the Titanic, we had the Ulster Covenant.

We had the birth of the UVF, it's one big party, isn't it?

Well, I suppose the Nationalists, you know, we have 2016 coming up

and the centenary of the glorious Easter Rising

when the wee six got left behind.

So, I am looking forward to that, you know.

LAUGHTER

Something for everybody.

And then there is the birth of Northern Ireland

and the building of Stormont... the Second World War, the famine,

the Black Death, the apocalypse...

Rory McIlroy... all kinds of everything.

Dana... LondonDana...

LAUGHTER

It's all so positive, you know.

It is hard to believe that it's 3,000 years

since Feargal Sharkey rowed single-handedly from Iona...

LAUGHTER

..established the first shirt factory in Ireland.

Wearing nothing but an Aran jumper.

Actually, that's not quite factually accurate.

You cannot row single-handedly or you would go round in circles.

We didn't get to where we are today by going round in circles, did we?

Anyway... to Hull or Connacht. Goodnight!

APPLAUSE

Come on, one more time. Give it up for Kevin McAleer.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, folks. It's time to welcome a man who supported me

whenever I was on tour last year.

In much the same way that Derry City fans support their team.

He only turned up half the time, left ten minutes from the end

and spent the rest of the time shouting at me

that I wasn't as good as I was 20 years ago.

Please welcome the star of Monumental - Micky Bartlett!

CHEERING

Wooh!

Hello, Derry. It is nice to be here, nice to be here.

It's nice to be back in Derry. Nice to be back, nice to be home.

Because I went to university here. A lot of you don't know that.

I went to university here in Derry, it's my favourite city in the world.

I left University of Ulster, Magee Campus with a 2:1

in Drama and Theatre Studies.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

So, if there's anybody in from the dole...

I wasn't here.

You can keep that to yourselves. You know, I love Derry, I love it.

I love the Derry accent.

I know people make fun of your accent but I do love it.

Because to me a Derry accent sounds like a Chinese man

with a throat infection!

You say hello to someone from Derry you always go,

"All right, how are you?"

"Ahhh, what's happenin?"

It's amazing!

I once saw a fight, because Halloween is my favourite time of the year...

I once saw a fight at Halloween outside a pub,

a fight between Scooby Doo and Darth Vader. Amazing!

Absolutely amazing!

Because Darth Vader was in character the whole way through.

He was giving it the full on...

BREATHES HEAVILY

And Scooby is going, "Just hit me, hey."

"Just punch me in the face."

It is good stuff. I do love drinking. I love partying.

I'm single now as well. Ladies, I am single.

That is right, ladies. This gravy boat's still sailing.

I'm glad that I'm single now

because the last girl I went out with, we lived together for a

couple of years and we split up and I had to move back in with my parents.

I'm glad that I am single cos I live with my parents

because it's hard to maintain a grown-up relationship, I think,

when you live with your mum and dad.

It's hard to have, you know a... grown-up cuddle, shall we say?

You know. Do you ever walk past a room and you know people are up to

no good, you hear normal, sexy noises like...

MIMICS BED CREAKING

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That is what I imagine it sounds like.

My house it's very different, more... "Shut up! Shut up.

"Shut up! Shhh!"

If I'm having sex at home, for the first five minutes I look like a

jockey who doesn't know if he's winning...

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks very much. I'm Micky Bartlett. Good night. Cheers!

One more time, come on. Micky Bartlett.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

OK.

A round of applause for the BBC coming up and supporting you this year.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know, it's only right the BBC are up here covering events

because after all, the BBC and Derry have a lot in common.

You know, Derry had the Saville Inquiry.

The BBC had an inquiry into Savile.

Both in their own way...

Both in their own way...touching.

The shame if you work for the BBC. Honestly.

The trouble in the '70s at the BBC is a completely different thing.

The BBC used to say Northern Ireland was the most dangerous place

in the 1970's. Turns out it was Jimmy Savile's dressing room in the end, wasn't it?

It's...

OK. Are we ready for our next act folks, come on! Yes?

THEY CHEER

OK, next up is a man with whom I got a lot in common.

I started out compering the Empire Comedy Club,

then he compered the Empire Comedy Club.

I went to London to do the Comedy Store, then he came over

and did the Comedy Store. I used to have a TV show in Belfast,

he's now on a TV show in Belfast.

I have told the wife to expect a call...

Please welcome... Jake O'Kane!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Nice to be back.

Now, why the bag?

Why the bag?

I am carrying things on stage. So, I need a bag.

Now, why this bag? I will tell you.

When I was here the last time I discussed "flegs"!

I am now here to discuss another social problem.

"Begs!"

LAUGHTER

Notice this bag.

This bag annoys me not because of the shop but because the way the shop

was trying to get me to pronounce their name.

On the adverts they say LEEDL.

It's not LEEDL. It's LIDL.

LIDL is what it's called. LIDL. We call it LIDL. We go LIDL.

LIDL. Look at the way it's spelt. There's no E. It's LIDL.

LIDL is what it's called.

If it was LEEDL, then "shit" would be "sheet"! It's "shit"!

I saw my first bag rage recently.

You know the 5p, pay for the bag?

The "beg". I went into the shop, middle-aged couple.

Posh couple in front of me at the checkout.

And the wife goes to open her bag because the wives carry

the bag in the bag. The wives carry the bag in the bag.

Husband doesn't carry the bag in the pocket. The wife carries the bag

in the bag. So, wife goes to get the bag. There's no bag.

Husband loses it, loses it completely. Loses it.

HE RAMBLES

I'm not five pence for a bag.

Tell me there is a bag. Look for the bag. The wife's pulling it all out.

She's sweating. The wee girl behind the checkout she tries to intervene.

Sir, it's only 20p for a bag for life. He goes, "I'm married to a bag for life.

"I don't need another bag for life."

Oh! She's crying.

And he wouldn't pay for it.

He's walking like that into the car, "Come on, Maggie!"

Married a Prod. First time ever in the history of the O'Kane clan.

Right? And I was quite old, I was 40. And now no messing about.

My wife's not a Micky Mouse Prod. My wife is Proddy Prod Prod.

She's the legit Proddy Prod Prod. No muckin' about Prod.

Her da' was an Orangeman, d'you understand?

He was the worst Orangeman in the history of the Order

considering both his daughters married Taigs.

Got to be the worst man ever in history of the Orange Order!

I keep saying to Eddie, they're going to call you in. "Here, Edmund.

"Come you here, son.

"One daughter is a mistake,

"two - you're taking the piss, Eddie, taking the piss.

"Have you read the rules, Edmund?"

So we got married and I was 40 and I could see her looking at me.

You know, in that Protestant way.

You could see her thinking,

"I'd better knock one out of this oul' biff

"while he's still got life in him."

So, we started trying to have a family. I liked that bit!

(Nothing happened!)

(Nothing happened!)

Now...

you have til be sensitive with a woman in that situation.

I am from North Belfast. I know how til be sensitive with

a woman in that situation.

I said to my wife,

"There's nothing wrong with me, love, I don't know what's wrong with you!

"You'd better go get your tubes cleaned out

"because there's nothing wrong with this lad here, I tell ye."

She made me...

go to the fertility clinic.

Me!

Doctor taking the notes, looking at me. 45.

HE MUMBLES

Reached into his desk, reached into his desk.

"Now, Mr O'Kane...

"could you possibly give me a sample in that, please?"

"Knock yourself out, Doctor, take what you need!"

"No, Mr O'Kane. I need a sample of your sperm."

I said to the wife, "He's not injecting me down there.

"He's not injecting me down there. I don't care what you want."

"No, Mr O'Kane, if you could just masturbate into that."

Hands up in the audience...

Now look to your left and your right, I don't care what age they are

or sex they are. They've been fiddling it sometime.

But we don't talk about it!

It's a quiet, little dirty secret thing we do! Here I am...

You're not sitting at Christmas dinner going,

"Excuse me I'm just calling for a fiddle. Back in 10." You don't talk about it.

Here I am sent down the longest corridor in the RVH hospital.

The longest walk of my life and I know the doors are open

and nurses and doctors are in there going...

EVIL LAUGHTER

Then it hits me.

Something you have never had to think about before in your life.

How long should I take?

How long is a decent amount of time for an act of indecency?

You don't want them sending you in sandwiches.

But you don't want to be so quick in case they think that's what

your problem is. Eight minutes.

Eight minutes, I said. Out I go.

I hand to the technician and says, "Don't you drop that, son."

We didn't have to wait for those results.

Because she fell pregnant naturally. For badness!

After all she put me through!

It was horrible.

Horrible. Because I knew there was nothing wrong.

I knew there was nothing wrong. I knew what was happening.

They've crossed sheep with goats.

They've crossed horses with mules.

This is the first time in human history a Proddy Prod Prod

has ever tried to mate with a Papish Papish!

I knew my wee sperm would do their bit. Come on, lads, come on.

Seamie, Sean, come on.

But they were getting up there and hitting on that big Prod egg.

That big Prod egg just sitting there..

"In your dreams. Get away from about me!

"Get away, you dirty Fenian! Get away!

"Ginger! Get away from me!"

Because that's all she was worried about. That is all.

All I wanted was a ginger.

We're dying out.

Sod the pandas! Shag a ginger. We're dying out!

She was terrified, genuinely terrified.

We're in the delivery suite of the Royal Victoria Hospital.

My beautiful son has just been born.

The midwife takes him over to that little table

where they check them and clean them. I'm proud daddy.

I am filming all this. My boy.

My wife is off her tits on gas and air.

She's on another planet. She's gone.

Takes the mask off, not how many fingers,

not how many toes... first question, "Is it a ginger?"

To which the midwife replies,

"No, he's perfect."

Derry! Thank you! Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What about it? Come on, Jake O'Kane!

CHEERING

It's time now to welcome... I know you're going to love her,

please give her a huge Derry welcome.

It's Micky's Ma, aka Nuala McKeever!

Micky! Micky!

Here, have any of yous seen my Micky?

I swear to God that wee lad has my head turned.

I went and brung him up here the night,

for to show him a bit of culture and he's ran off already.

The last I seen of him he was muttering something about

how he was going to see what goes faster,

his quad bike or Paddy Kielty's car.

Here, would yous believe it?

This is the very first time I've ever been up here in Derry-Londonderry,

legend-Derry, Stroke City, Foyle the Maiden City, the north-west.

Jesus, by the time I told the wee man in the bus

station in Belfast where I wanted to go, the bus had friggin left.

Could yous just pick one name and stick to it, for God's sake?

Me an me chum, we fancied something a bit different,

you know, a wee bit different.

And I have to say, the fellas up here, yous are different already.

Say hello to a fella here, he goes, "Yes?"

What are you sweating? I never asked you nothing, I was only saying hello.

But my chum she's went a wee bit funny,

so she has, she's started doing this night class, you know, at the Tech?

Aye - self esteem.

Not sure exactly what it is but I think it's wee bit

like Weight Watchers, only for people can't be arsed dieting no more.

Can see there's a few of them in here the night.

Just accept you're going to be a fat cow for the rest of your life

and make the best of it.

Aye, my chum is a wee bit on the heavy side, I have to say,

but she's always finding something else to blame for it, it's never her.

First of all it was her hormones.

She was blaming it on the HRT, which was fair enough,

cos every time she took one of her tablets, she had to have a cup of

tea and half a barn brick with butter on to help her swallay it.

And then the next thing it was all stress.

Here's my wise-up, the only thing under stress in your house

is your TV from you lying on it all day.

My chum got me all excited last week, she says,

"Come on, we're heading down the community centre,

"Thursday morning for free medication."

Happy days.

Turns out, I heard her wrong.

Wasn't free medication, it was free meditation! Jesus!

I turns up expecting drugs, all it was was a fella with a bald

head telling me to sit there and let my mind go blank.

I said, "Flip's sake. If I wanted to do that, I could have stayed in the house

"and listened to Sean Coyle on the radio."

Did yous have the flags up here?

Ah, here, in Belfast it was a picture, so it was.

The roads, they were like this fella I used to go out with -

blocked by teatime every night.

Come to think of it, he was like the flag -

he was only able to get it up a few times a year!

Here, when I have to go home, get my Micky up early for school

in the morning, the headmaster's always giving me a hard time.

He says, "Your son has to work harder."

He says, "What kind of job is that wee lad going to get

"if he leaves school with no qualifications?"

I'm like, just off the top of my head, I'm like,

"Deputy First Minister."

LAUGHTER

But here, I may go on.

I can only wish yous a very merry, legend-Derry Christmas.

And if you see my Micky...

Watch your backs! Micky!

Micky!

APPLAUSE

Come on - Nuala McKeever!

CHEERING

OK.

OK, next up is a comedian who is the host of The Blame Game,

the hit comedy show based on that old Northern Ireland

tradition of every week rounding up the same four men

and bringing them in for questioning.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, please, put your hands together

and welcome Mr Tim McGarry!

Good evening!

I have a theory.

My theory is that the people of Derry have the best

sense of humour in the country.

CHEERING

I want to test that theory.

Many Derry women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they form a support group to cope with the dark.

LAUGHTER

How many Derry men does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they get their mammies to do it for them!

CHEERING

How do you know if you're on a plane full of Derry people?

Both engines fail, you can still hear whining.

LAUGHTER

Think you've done brilliant with the year of culture...

450,000 people in Derry, 20 arrests!

There were only 20 arrests and I know how you did that.

You basically got the Peelers pissed as well, didn't you?

Everybody has come to the UK City Of Culture.

The only person who hasn't come to the UK City Of Culture this year

is the UK Minister For Culture!

Maria Miller couldn't make it.

I can see you're gutted.

We've all made bad excuses about why we can't go to something.

She had 365 days and she couldn't make it.

She must have been running out of excuses, that woman!

"I can't come tonight because, eh, I'm allergic to Dana.

"I hear All Kinds Of Everything, it brings me out in a rash."

I'm missing Derry cos Derry's fantastic.

I love the Tower Museum, the Tower Museum is superb.

Love the Tower Museum. And I love the way...

Cos you're a wee bit insular, be honest.

You think Derry is the centre of the universe. Fine, that's all right.

In the Tower Museum they have exhibits and under each one it tells you

what's happening in the world at a certain period of time.

And then, what's happening in Derry at the same time,

cos that's just as important, isn't it?

You'll get an exhibit on 1100AD. The world -

Roman empire falls.

Derry - man in Ship Quay Street falls.

1963, the world - Cuban missile crisis -

world on the brink of nuclear annihilation.

Derry - Phil Coulter writes Puppet On A String.

I'm a big fan of John Hume.

John Hume's brilliant for two reasons, brilliant man in many ways,

but there's two things that I really respect John Hume for.

First one is, of course, 1998, he won the Nobel Peace Prize -

him and David Trimble, they won it together in 1998.

And when they won the award they had to come out

and face a barrage of photographers and journalists and stuff,

and the first question was, "What are you going to do with the money?"

A lot of money, a quarter of a million quid when you win you win the Nobel Peace Prize.

John and David were standing there, first question, "What are you going to do with the money?"

John Hume says, "I've already decided, I'm giving half

"the money to a good catholic charity, the St Vincent De Paul,

and I'm giving the rest to a good protestant charity, the Salvation Army.

And David Trimble went...

MOUTHS: "Oh, for fucks sake!

"Fuck!

"I had my eye on a Lamborghini."

And the second brilliant thing, is he started

the Credit Union movement here in Derry, which is very important.

Credit unions are very, very important.

CHEERING

Especially in times like this.

And if you don't know what a credit union is,

it's basically like a bank, only it's not run by complete bastards!

Or not run by drug-taking, rent-boy-using Methodist ministers,

who know nothing about banking!

I don't like golf. I'm not a golf fan. I hate golf.

I am to golf what Johnny Adair is to house prices in Troon.

I am to golf what Steven Nolan is to salads.

So I don't like golf!

And there's a big fuss about a golf course in Runkerry,

they want the new golf course beside the Giant's Causeway.

Some people are saying it'll ruin the Giant's Causeway,

some people are saying, it's a mile away - wise up.

I'm against the new golf course at Runkerry.

Nothing to do with golf,

I just think the last thing this country needs

is another 18 flags!

LAUGHTER

I don't care how small they are - we can do without them.

I have a brother in law in England and I had to explain the flags,

cos he had no idea what the flags thing was about

and I had to why the flag at City Hall was important.

I said, "Look, the flag at Belfast City Hall, it's a

"bit like my sex life with the wife.

"Basically, I would like to see it every day."

My wife's position is, "It should be removed completely."

Luckily my brother's in the Alliance Party and he suggested a compromise.

Designated days!

So Derry, if I seem just a little bit tense tonight, it's simply

because its another six bloody weeks till Prince Philip's birthday!

Ladies and gentleman, it's been a pleasure talking to you. I'm Tim McGarry.

Enjoy the rest of your evening. Thank you very much.

CHEERING

One more time - Tim McGarry!

CHEERING

OK, folks, are you ready for your final act this evening?

THEY CHEER

Please, welcome the undisputed king of Northern Ireland comedy,

now Frank Carson is dead!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Roy Walker!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Thank you and hello.

Hello, it's good to be here, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm not here because I'm any good or anything like that,

it's just because most people of my age-group in show business

are either on remand, or locked up.

Half of Coronation Street are in prison.

They say the only decent bloke left in there's Hayley.

LAUGHTER

Thank you for that lovely welcome.

Although I do get mistaken for a lot of the other game show hosts,

in Derry today, a woman said to me, "Hello, Ted.

"Love your show!"

I said, "Thank you." I never argue with them.

I said, "What did you like about it?"

She said, "Oh, I loved that show.

"I love it at the end when you say good night to the deaf people."

Even the taxi driver...

..on the way here tonight...

I could feel his eyes burning into my chest...

..through the rear-view mirror.

Eventually he spoke.

"Give Us A Clue, mate."

I went, "No.

"Catchphrase."

He went, "No.

"Where to, you eejit?!"

We lived in a little cul-de-sac with a...

air-raid shelter right in the middle of it.

Different families, Jewish families,

Catholics, Protestants, side-by-side.

People had big families - fella up the street had 13 children.

God help him, he never knew whether to stick or twist.

Another fella had 20 - ten boys and ten girls.

We never knew if he was a good Catholic or a sloppy Protestant.

Mr Cohen lived next door. I liked Mr Cohen, I learned a lot from him.

I said to him once, "Could I borrow your lawnmower?"

He said, "Certainly, son, as long as you don't take it out of the garden."

LAUGHTER

Mr Cohen never missed a trick. I was diggin' in the garden,

he said, "Are you putting in potatoes?"

I said, "No, I'm burying a budgie."

He said, "It's a big hole for a budgie."

I said, "It's inside your cat."

LAUGHTER

Isn't it amazing the volume of security

we have to go in this world we live in and the questions they ask you?

I'm not sure they understand exactly what they're asking you.

Questions like,

"Has anybody you don't know...

"..ever said anything to you?"

LAUGHTER

"I don't know anybody I don't know."

"Has anybody you don't know ever touched your luggage?"

I said, "You have."

LAUGHTER

"Has anybody you don't know ever given you anything?"

"Well, I was in the Navy!"

There was an American lady behind me and she heard my accent.

She said, "Are you Irish?"

I said, "Yes."

She said, "Gee...

"..we just love your waterproof crystal."

And she realised what she'd said.

"Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God!

"I've made a faux pas."

"A faux pas?"

Little fella from Derry behind, he said,

"Don't worry about it, love, I do it all the time myself.

"Only this morning, at breakfast,

"I was thinking of saying to my wife, "pass the marmalade."

"Instead, I said...

"Do you know...

"You've ruined my life."

You're a nice crowd.

It's a great pleasure being here.

It's 50 years since I was here, believe it or not.

50 years.

Things were different then.

My career started in a talent competition in the Palace Cinema.

Anybody remember that?

SOME PEOPLE SHOUT YES

Yeah.

I was wearing my winkle picker shoes.

One size fits all.

Stick a couple of pages of the Journal down the toes.

I was wearing my Peter England shirt...

..fresh from Tilly's.

My wife was an examiner.

She said, "It was a second."

I said, "How do you know it was a second?"

She said, "One sleeve is longer than the other two."

Been a lovely crowd tonight. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you!

CHEERING

Legend at work. Come on, give it up for Mr Roy Walker!

CHEERING

There he is!

CHEERING

Oh!

Keep your applause going,

let's hear it for all the acts you've seen tonight.

Come on. Yes!

What a line-up!

Have yourself a great Christmas, folks. I'm Patrick Kielty.

Thank you very much. Goodnight. Thank you. Cheers.

Wahey!