John Bishop Live: Rollercoaster Tour 2012

This programme contains strong language.

# You thought your life was running true

# And then I crashed right into you

# Roller

# Rollercoaster...#

HEART BEAT

METAL GUITAR MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ELECTRO DANCE MUSIC

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Rollercoaster Tour.

Please welcome to the stage John Bishop.

CHEERING

Hello, Manchester!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. How are you?

CHEERING Well, thanks for coming.

As you probably know, we're filming a DVD tonight.

APPLAUSE I've filmed every other DVD in Liverpool and the DV...

BOOING

LAUGHTER

The DVD company said, "For a change let's try somewhere else."

So they said, "Let's do Manchester."

CHEERING

One Scouser, 13,000 Mancs, what could go wrong?

LAUGHTER

By the way, do you like this?

-CROWD:

-Yeah!

This is actually a working slide. It's a proper...

This is my midlife crisis, a proper helter-skelter.

I wanted something brilliant to come onto the stage.

Something fast, something exciting.

One of the fellas said, "Why don't you get a Harley-Davidson?"

I went, "I'd rather have a slide."

LAUGHTER

The only problem is I've not really tested it today.

They build it every day so there's a chance it could go wrong

and if it does go wrong it's classed as an accident at work.

LAUGHTER That's what the screens are for

and you're all part of the claim.

LAUGHTER Right, hang on, I'm coming.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

So I'm going to go on the slide, I'm going to go on the slide.

Are you ready? Ready?

Let's have a countdown! Hang on.

Ready?

Three. Two. One.

CHEERING Argh!

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Get a load of that, Manchester!

Hey!

Right.

First of all, if you've got baby-sitters

you're paying by the hour, go now cos that's the best bit.

LAUGHTER All right, thanks for coming!

I've had some of my best times in my life in Manchester.

Yeah. CHEERING

I have.

I got married here, all my kids were born here

so I've had bad times as well. LAUGHTER

But it's odd, cos you do, you sort of evolve, as they say,

as a person, you have different views.

I mean, me and my wife have different views on loads of things

and I don't know if it's cos she's from here and I'm not

or cos she's just a woman and just sees the world in a different way.

We were sat in our kitchen a few weeks ago

and she had one of those women's magazines out, you know,

that ask you those stupid questions, how to rate your relationship.

She said, "Oh, this'll be fun."

One of the questions was:

If your relationship was a home appliance what would it be?

LAUGHTER

"What do you think?"

I said, "I don't know. Not really bothered to be honest with you."

She said, "Don't be like that, what do you think?"

I said, "All right, a Hoover, cos you suck the joy out of everything!"

LAUGHTER

She said, "There's no need for that. That's not funny."

She said, "Do you know what I'm going to put? Dishwasher."

I said, "What?" She said, "Dishwasher,

"cos you only get out of it what you put in..."

LAUGHTER

"..and when you get it back it's always better."

I went, "Yeah, OK. Yeah, put dishwasher.

"I agree with you cos marriage is like a dishwasher.

"To begin with it's brilliant, then after a while you think

it would be quicker and easier if I just do it myself by hand."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But all of this, all of these differences,

came to the fore recently.

We went on holiday, a proper holiday cos I was going on this tour,

I've had a bit of a busy time, and we haven't, this is no word of a lie,

we haven't had a two-weeks holiday together for six years.

I said, "Right, we'll go on holiday. We'll have two-weeks' holiday.

"Not self-catering, it's your holiday too."

I said, "We're away..."

LAUGHTER

Got to treat them now and again, haven't you?

I said, "We're away, love, proper holiday."

And it's great for us now cos when we go on holiday

we don't care where the kids sit.

You know when you get on a plane you can just...

You know, when they're little you've got to sit by them so you go and say,

"Look, there's us, there's five of us, we've all gotta sit together.

"They're little and then if the plane crashes

we want to have a family hug." LAUGHTER

Do we shite.

I want to be on top of that airhostess

to be perfectly honest with you.

But now, now that they're grown, we don't have to do that.

So we're going on holiday, I said, "Look, we're on holiday,

"we're going to have a proper holiday, me and you,"

I said, "they're big enough now they can sit where they like."

So we checked in, I said, "Look," I said, "there's just us two.

Don't even know who those three are." LAUGHTER

I said, "Sit them where you like, not arsed, not bothered.

"Put 'em by that fellow with the rucksack if you like,

"couldn't be arsed." LAUGHTER

"We're on holiday."

We sit on the plane.

They come along and they give you a glass of wine before we take off.

I thought, "Great stuff this. You don't get this on easyJet.

"We're having a great time sat together.

"We're together about to have our holiday.

Our holiday begins on the plane." That's what I think.

Then she put her hand in her bag and pulled out that book.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that book, the one that's been causing all the controversy.

LAUGHTER

I said, "What's that about?"

She said, "Oh, it's about a man who makes women dress in funny clothes

"and then when they're naughty he punishes them."

I said, "Oh, really?"

I said, "How long have you been reading The Koran?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's a joke!

That'll probably be cut out. It was just a joke.

Nobody drew anything, it wasn't a picture, it was a little giggle.

It probably won't be in by the time I get to Birmingham to be fair

but it's... LAUGHTER

..just a giggle.

No, she's got that other book, that Fifty Shades Of Grey.

CHEERING Listen to ya!

Listen to ya all, just listen to you, listen to you.

LAUGHTER

All the women in here who have read Fifty Shades Of Grey give me a cheer.

CHEERING

Sluts! LAUGHTER

When I saw the title, to be honest with you,

I didn't think it was a book I thought it was a Dulux paint chart!

LAUGHTER She sat there like that reading. I said, "What are you doing?"

She said, "I'm just going to read this book."

I said, "Where's that come from?"

She said, "The girls are all reading it.

One of them got me a copy."

Where does that come from?

All the women in here who have read that book because a friend

recommended it for you or bought it for you give me a cheer.

CHEERING

Lessie sluts!

LAUGHTER

I don't know a single bloke who's done anything like that ever.

There's not a bloke in here who's ever gone off to his mates

and said, "Hey, hey, Dave, here, hey mate, listen,

"I got this brilliant wank mag. It's fantastic."

LAUGHTER

"I got a copy, all the lads have got a copy,

I got you a copy for your birthday."

LAUGHTER

"No, you'll love it. I'd give you mine but you wouldn't want mine."

LAUGHTER

"You'll love it, it's great and then we're all going to read it together,

"and then get together in the pub, and over a glass of wine

"have a chat about the wank mag we're all reading."

LAUGHTER If we did that there'd be something fucking wrong with us!

But yous do it, "It's just the girls having a laugh!

"Just a little giggle!

"Just the girls having a giggle, just having a laugh!"

LAUGHTER

Bang out of order! LAUGHTER

For those who haven't read it, it's about a fella called Christian Grey.

CHEERING Listen to yourselves!

He's not even real, 'Woo!'

And you wouldn't want him! You wouldn't want him.

You think you'd want him, you pretend you'd want him,

in your head you think you want him,

but you wouldn't want him cos as far as I can see

all Christian Grey does, for those who don't know,

he's a successful businessman, a journalist comes to interview him,

this female journalist, he takes her out for a drink,

he starts sexual relations with her, and then from then on

just tends to spank her bottom.

That's all he does, just spanks her arse, just spanky, spanky, spanky.

That's all he does!

The first time he does it he uses a paddle.

I'd just been watching the rowing in the Olympics, I thought,

"Jesus Christ." LAUGHTER

"That's got to hurt, hasn't it? Going, "Fuck off!"

LAUGHTER

But that's all he does!

And women, millions, they're all going, "Oh, he's great.

"Christian Grey's great. I'd love a man, oh, great.

"Wouldn't you want a Christian Grey in your life?"

Well you know the fella you're sat next to,

you know the fella you're sat next to, when you woke up this morning,

looked over your shoulder and thought,

"Are you still here you fat gobshite?"

LAUGHTER

He'd spank your arse, not a problem.

LAUGHTER

Not a problem! We just didn't know!

LAUGHTER

If I came home from work and my Mrs is stood in the kitchen

and I said, "How has your day been, love?" and she went...

HE SNIFFLES

"Well I tried to take the kids to school and then when we got there

"one of the kids had shoes on that they said they're not school shoes

"but I thought they were school shoes cos they're black

"but they said they're not school shoes and now he's got detention.

"I've gotta go back but where am I going to get school shoes from

"cos you look and think they're school shoes, they're not.

"After school I was supposed to take them to somewhere else

"in three different places. I can't be in three different places at once!

"One of them had detention because he didn't do his homework.

"He didn't do his homework cos I didn't take the ingredients in

"I didn't know he was doing cookery class. I didn't know.

"How am I supposed to know that?

"And then when I get home the dog's ate a stick

"so I had to take the dog to the vet. He's got to stay over all night,

"which means I've got to get there tomorrow

"I can't go out tomorrow because the dog's at the vet,

"the kids are over there, I was meant to be getting my hair done

"I can't be in three places at once."

I go, "Sh, it's all right. Sh."

LAUGHTER

"Hey, hey, sh, calm down. I'm here!

"It's OK, I'm here. Now just bend over."

LAUGHTER

"It's all right. It's all right."

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER "Is that better, babe?"

LAUGHTER "Is that better? Yeah, I know."

"Just wait here. I'm just going to the shed to get the oar out.

"Wait there." LAUGHTER

Well we would but we didn't know!

We didn't know and I tell you what, you know what, it winds me up,

cos you wouldn't really want a Christian Grey.

You think you would, but he's not real!

He wouldn't be there the following morning

doing the kids' packed lunch before school,

or taking the kids to play football on Sunday

and stood there on the side of the pitch watching your little son

Johnny running up and down with his gimp mask on going, "Go on, Johnny!"

LAUGHTER

"Go on, Johnny!" LAUGHTER

You wouldn't!

And the problem is it's like this world, cos females can do that,

create a world that they then believe is true.

And we've all been victims to it,

lads in here have all been victims to it at different stages in your life.

In your late teens, early 20s,

every fella in here has been victim to the Wonderbra lie.

LAUGHTER Yeah.

We've all had that frightening experience where you think,

"Oh, this is going to be fantastic."

A Wonderbra is basically like an Easter egg.

LAUGHTER It looks like there's loads in there

but when you get inside there's not even a mouthful.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And you think, "This is going to be ace!

"This is going to be ace.

"It's going to be ace, it's going to be ace, it's going to be ace..."

"No, I don't mind kissing you, love, honest.

"They're lovely. This is going to be...

"Ho, ho, ho, look at these! These are going to be great.

These are going to be great."

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

"Have you turned your head 'round? Turn round, let me have a look."

LAUGHTER

There's no male equivalent. No girl's ever gone,

"I tell you what, you look like you are packing a packet there,"

and there isn't one there. We haven't got that.

And you think, "OK, well that's all right. That's all right."

In your late teens and your 20s when you're out there

looking for a partner you're going to do stuff like that, aren't you?

That's inevitable.

Then you think these lies would end,

but there's an industry based on these lies.

And as you get older the lies don't end

cos you have another thing now when you're past 40 -

Spanx!

That's what you've got, Spanx! LAUGHTER

There's people sat there going, "I've no idea what you're on about, John."

Spanx.

There's lads looking at their wives, "What's he on about?"

She's going, "I have no idea. I have no idea." Spanx!

You know what Spanx are?

Spanx are these things that women put on.

When they go to the wardrobe to get the dress out and they say,

"Oh, we're going to go to a function tonight, I'm going to put a dress on.

"OK, well I'll go and get my dress out."

Then they get their dress out that they haven't worn for a while

and then they find out that they've got one of those wicked wardrobes

that shrinks your clothes when they're hanging there.

LAUGHTER

"That used to fit me! It doesn't fit me any more!"

LAUGHTER

"It's the wardrobe's fault!"

LAUGHTER

So what they do, they have this thing called Spanx,

which are like cycling pants and they climb into them like that.

And the idea is to get everything inside the Spanx

so you get everything.

Then you pull the Spanx, you pull 'em right up here.

Mmm. Mmm. LAUGHTER

Everything into the Spanx! Just fit it all into the Spanx.

Just get it all inside the Spanx.

If a Wonderbra is designed to make something that's little look massive,

Spanx are designed to make something that's massive...

LAUGHTER ..just look big.

LAUGHTER

And the problem is it can't all stay in there.

Just the laws of physics. It can't all stay in there.

So women get all sucked in

and they haven't realised it's not going to stay all night.

So if you're ever out at a do and you're wondering

if there's a woman in there wearing Spanx, just have a look around.

There'll be some bird in the corner wearing a dress

that looks like it wouldn't have fitted her the day before

and her head will be fucking massive!

LAUGHTER

So we're sat on the plane.

She's like that with the book.

I was going, "What are you doing?" She said, "I'm reading my book."

I said, "You're not reading that here."

I said, "Everyone's walking down the aisle, they're looking at the book

"then looking at me going, 'What's wrong, can't you get it up?'

"Put the book away." LAUGHTER

You know what she said? She said, "You should read it.

"You should read it, you might learn something."

LAUGHTER

Yeah!

I did, I did read it!

I took it off her on the plane, and I read a couple of chapters

on the plane and, well, to be fair she was right, I did learn something.

I learnt that you're not allowed to wank on planes.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's been a big year for all of us.

Give me a cheer if you enjoyed the Olympics.

CHEERING

Right, all of those people who cheered,

I bet you 99% of you thought it was going to be shit.

-CROWD:

-Yeah!

We did! It was so English wasn't it?

Like when we started the year and it came, New Year's Day they said,

"It's brilliant, it's New Year's Day."

It was 2012.

"This is the year that we are going to have the Olympics,

"the London Olympics."

And everyone in the country went, "Oh, God, it's going to be shit."

I was having a shit-off with my mates going,

"This is going to be shit."

They were going, "I know it's going to be shit.

"The weather will be shit."

"Oh, the weather will definitely be shit.

"And they won't finish building the stadiums."

"No, the stadium will be shit.

"And I bet you we don't get a decent kit."

"No, we'll have a shit kit.

"We won't win any medals, we'll have a shit kit,

"we'll have a shit stadium, we'll have shit weather,

"and then that Al-Qaeda will bomb the fucking lot."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's what they were doing! They were even saying in London.

"Don't come, the traffic will be shit!"

We're just so obsessed with everything being shit

and then all of a sudden we're sat there watching it going,

"This is surprisingly good this, isn't it?"

But I thought the whole Olympics was brilliant.

We were better at it than we thought we were.

Thought the opening ceremony was great

although none of us had a clue what was going on.

I thought the closing ceremony was good

up till George.

LAUGHTER I thought George was good,

but, you know, 26 million people watched that.

I wanted to really enjoy it so I got a bath before.

No, I don't mean I'm dirty, I mean like, you know,

I'm like most men, I generally get showers,

but on occasion I get a bath!

And when I get a bath I get a bubble bath.

I fill the bath with bubbles, I have a proper bubbly bath.

My wife goes mad cos I always use her bubble bath, because

getting a bath with bubbles in isn't gay,

but buying bubble bath is. That's just the rule.

LAUGHTER

So I'm there, I'm in the bath full of bubbles,

she comes in, I've got the wine, I've got the candles,

I'm having a little bit of Johnny time.

She comes in, she said, "What are you doing?"

She said, "The closing ceremony's on

"and you're lying in there like a poof."

She said, "I don't know what's happened to you. You've changed."

LAUGHTER

She gets out of the bathroom, walks downstairs, so I thought, "Right."

I got out the bath. I got the towel. I did your little trick.

LAUGHTER

I put her bathrobe on, I walked downstairs and went,

"What's wrong wi' you?"

LAUGHTER

"I just can't believe you at times, you're just so wound up!"

LAUGHTER

We went into the living room to watch it

and we were watching it and it was brilliant

and George started off singing Freedom and he's fantastic.

I'm a big fan of George Michael.

I was always one of those people,

you know when everyone was taking the piss out of Andrew Ridgeley,

I was thinking, "No, I wouldn't mind being Andrew Ridgeley."

"Be all right being in Wham just dancing along, you know,

"and being George's mate."

I've always, always thought it would be a great thing to do,

so I was really looking forward to it.

George sings one song, it was brilliant!

There was me and 26 million people going, "George is back. He's back."

And then he sang something none of us had ever heard before

and we all went, "George, what are you doing, lad?"

And my Mrs got up and went out to the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

When she come back in I was like 26 million other people,

I'm sat there thinking of George's back catalogue.

I'm thinking, "You could have done the Wham Rap!

"You could have gone Club Tropicana,

"you could have done Careless Whisper."

I'm sat there watching the telly with a towel on my head

drinking a glass of wine when she comes walking back in

just at the point when I go, "George, I'm Your Man!"

LAUGHTER

"What?"

I've had an odd year, to be honest,

cos I've been knackered a lot of this year,

cos I did something at the start of the year that near

killed me, to be honest. I wish I hadn't fucking done it at all.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Honestly, don't, don't, don't clap.

Don't clap cos I won't do it again.

There's not a chance it's ever going to happen again.

Not now that I've found out those Africans don't buy DVDs.

Fuck 'em.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I'm not saying you can't buy my DVDs in Africa - you can.

But you can only get them in Somalia and they're all pirates. Hey!

HE IMITATES A SHOTGUN Hey! The Somalia pirate gag!

That'll be in the DVD cos Somalians never complain. Never, ever.

No, I did this thing and I've got to tell you the history behind it,

cos I was absolutely bowled over by the support,

but it was not something that I ever wanted to do.

And so that's why I feel a little bit like a cheat,

cos everyone's patting me on my back and I'm thinking, "Why you patting me on my back?

"It wasn't my idea, didn't want to do it and I hated every minute of it."

Because what happened... James Corden phoned me up and said,

"Me and you should do something for Sport Relief." I said, "OK."

So we went down, met the fella from Sport Relief, and he said,

"It's brilliant that you've said you want to do something,

"cos we've tried to get people to do this thing for years.

"You go from Paris, go to London, ride a bike for a bit,

"do a bit of rowing, do some running."

We said, "OK, we'll do it."

October, James phones me up and said, "Listen, I'm in this play.

"It's become a massive success. It's going to go to Broadway.

"I'm not able to do the challenge, because they won't insure me

"in case something goes wrong."

So I said, "OK, let's go down and tell Kevin,"

the fella who runs Sport Relief.

I couldn't wait for it.

I thought, "I'm going to go into an office.

"He's going to look like a right twat.

"I'm going to look like a hero. It'll be easy.

"I don't even have to do anything.

"I'll just walk into the office and say,

"Go on, James, tell Kevin your news.""

He went, "OK." He said,

"Kevin, I'm really sorry, I can't do the challenge,

"because I'm in the play, it's gone massive,

"we're going to Broadway. They won't insure it

"if I do the challenge, so cos I can't get insurance, I can't do it."

Kevin went, "OK, fair enough."

Then he went, "But you could do it."

Which is a way of saying, like, "We can't insure him

"but you're expendable."

You know, who cares if another Scouser drowns?

That doesn't matter, does it?

And I said, "Well, what do you think," to him.

He said, "Well, you don't have to do it,

"I don't want to force you into it, but BT have said that they'll sponsor it

"and the BBC are going to do a documentary which will be on for an hour,

"and if those two things happen, we estimate that

"we'll get a million pounds,

"and if we get a million pounds and spend it on a vaccine that costs

"a fiver, that could be 200,000 vaccines bought for kids

"and that could be 200,000 lives saved,

"but you don't have to do it if you don't want to."

Even James Corden went, "God, you're a twat."

I said, "What have I done?"

So I ended up completely roped into it.

And it becomes like a machine behind you, you end up

with this training programme

and he sent this fella called Greg to train me, Greg White,

who kept on phoning me up all the time saying, "Have you done this?

"Have you done that? Have you done this?"

And then he come to see me in January to go for a bike ride.

In January, I was living in Alderley Edge

cos I thought I was a footballer.

And he turned up.

Now you all know what January was like here - freezing!

Absolutely freezing, snow on the ground.

Anyone who's ridden a bike in January will tell you what it's like,

it's miserable!

You're riding along, snow on the ground, the snot freezes

to your face, you're pedalling along, your fingers die stuck

to the handlebars, you can't feel your legs, your toes are frozen.

I'm riding along, thinking, "Them kids in Africa!

"Those kids in Africa will be playing football on the fucking beach now!"

LAUGHTER

We get back to our house, I'm freezing cold,

get a shower and stuff, thaw out,

sat in the kitchen, he's got a little check pad.

"Have you been doing your running?" "I've been doing a bit."

"Have you been doing your rowing?" "I've been doing a bit."

"Have you been eating the right things?" I said, "I've been doing a bit."

He said, "You been training twice a day?" I said, "I've been doing a bit."

He said, "What about injuries?" I said, "You know, I'm OK."

He said, "What about irritations?" I said, "Apart from you..."

He said, "No, seriously, irritations." he said,

"You're going to do something that's an endurance thing.

"If you get an irritation - that starts a rash,

"could become an infection, could be a problem."

I said, "Well, I think I'm OK."

He said, "Well, OK, I'll just ask you outright,

"how's your undercarriage?"

He did that with his hand, "How's your undercarriage?"

I didn't even know I had an undercarriage.

I thought that was only something you got on Vauxhall vans.

"What do you mean, "My undercarriage"?" He said, "Your undercarriage.

"What a lot of cyclists do,

"they get irritation in the undercarriage,"

he said, "so therefore, what they do is they wax it."

I said, "They what?" He said, "They wax it."

I said, "Oh, do they?" He said, "Yeah."

He said, "Have you looked to see if there's any hair growth there

"that you want to potentially get removed?"

I said, "Are you serious?"

He said, "Yeah, have you ever looked underneath there?"

I said, "If I could look underneath there, I'd be in a circus,

"not talking to you, dickhead!"

He said, "Well, you should look!

"Get a mirror and have a look."

So I did and I swear to God, lads, do it once.

All the lads in this room, do it once in your life.

You will not believe what you are carrying round!

It is unbelievable.

I got a mirror, I locked myself in the bathroom.

You've got to lock the bathroom.

You don't want to get caught doing this.

And I'm stood like that with the mirror.

You know what I felt like?

I felt like a car going through an army checkpoint.

I'm like that.

I couldn't believe it.

All of a sudden, I just saw this afro.

It looked like the Jackson Five

were doing a gig behind me bollocks! I couldn't believe it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I thought, "No wonder I'm uncomfortable,

"I'm sat on a Brillo Pad!

"This is ridiculous!"

I phoned Greg up. I said, "Greg, Greg," I said,

"I can't tell you what I've seen, but it was shocking.

"What do I do?"

He said, "You'll need to find somewhere local to you that does waxing."

He said, "Just get on the internet and look for men waxing." So I did.

I went on to Google.

I put "men waxing".

Don't do that.

LAUGHTER

That was 35 minutes of my life I will never, ever get back,

and some of the images are still in my head.

It was 35 minutes going through websites,

an hour and a half trying to delete the history on my computer.

Eventually, I found this website called Strictly Waxing.

Strictly Waxing in Radcliffe, north Manchester.

CHEERING Yeah, yeah.

Well, you're cheering, let's be honest,

we all know male grooming

is not a priority in Radcliffe, north Manchester.

If you wash, you're a poof!

But they've got this place, Strictly Waxing,

"intimate waxing for men", Strictly Waxing.

So, I phoned up.

She answered the phone and went, "Hello, Strictly Waxing."

I said, "Erm, hello, erm...

"Erm, I've got a mate..."

LAUGHTER

"..and he's doing a lot of cycling."

She said, "It's all right, love, we deal a lot with cyclists,

"I know what you're saying, it's the undercarriage.

"We know exactly what to do.

"When do YOU want to come in?"

So I made an appointment for the following day.

So I turned up.

I turn into this car park, there's a parade of shops -

there's a hardware shop, there's a barber's,

there's a grocer's shop at the end,

and there's a shop in the middle with a sign about that big,

SHOUTING: "Strictly Waxing!

"Intimate Waxing for Men."

It may as well have had an arrow going,

"Look at monkey bollocks, coming in here!"

I thought, "There's absolutely no chance I'm walking

"in there, like, without a disguise,"

so I put a cap on, put my collar up - just walk in.

"Ting-ting", went in... Sat behind a desk. I said, "Hello.

"I've got an appointment at two o'clock...

"for Brian."

LAUGHTER

She said, "Brian? Two o'clock? Oh, oh, yeah...

"But aren't you John Bishop?"

I went, "Erm, yeah, yeah -

"Brian couldn't make it."

LAUGHTER

Where's that come from?

Who's ever said to their mates, "Listen, I was going to get

"my bollocks waxed today, but I just got caught up with the kids,

"do us a favour, go and get your bollocks waxed and then

"come round to our house and I'll rub them and pretend they're mine"?

So she looked at me like I'd gone mad and went,

"Oh, oh, OK. Well, just go in the room"

So I went into this treatment room.

And the girls'll know what goes on.

You go into this room, there's a bed there.

There's a cauldron in the corner - bubbling stuff -

like something out of Hogwarts

with little spiders' heads being dropped into it and everything.

So you walk in and, and, and... Again, girls...

In fact, I'm not even going to call you girls.

Sisters.

We've been through it together. Sisters.

My respect for you went through the roof after this experience.

And all the lads in here, you need to respect these girls,

cos, I tell you what, unless you do it yourselves, you have no idea

what these girls go through to present their little flower to us.

It is unbelievable.

LAUGHTER

Cos there's no standing on ceremony,

it's just not an in and out, it's almost a DIY process.

Cos you go in, she said, "Right, drop your stuff,

"get your clothes off, I'll be back in a minute." She walks out.

Comes back in, I'm stood there like that.

I've got my socks and my boxies on.

She just looked at me and she went, "What are they doing on?

"I'm not a miracle worker, get 'em off!

"Get 'em off!"

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

I just kicked 'em away like that. I haven't lost all my dignity -

I've got me socks on.

I'm stood there like that. She turns to the cauldron.

It's a very strange sensation to be stood in a situation like that -

completely naked apart from your socks.

The only thing that went through my mind was,

"Jeremy Beadle is dead, isn't he?"

I thought, "If she turns around now and she's got a beard and goes,

"Hey, it's me!

"Hey, it's me!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But anyway she just turned around and said,

"Right, first thing we've got to do, got to deal with your creases."

My creases.

I didn't even know I had any creases.

She said, "Your creases, that's where there's irritation.

"Hair rubs against hair, causes irritation,

"get on the bed, get your leg up."

And this is what I'm saying, girls, where you have to get involved

cos you have to get your leg up, don't you?

You have to hold your own leg!

Pull your own skin.

They get a little spatula with this wax on.

And it's like a wooden spatula, you know,

like the doctor goes "ah" with, like that.

Not the same one obviously, that would be a bit...

"Ah, uh, ah, uh!"

But you get, you know...

..a little thin strip and then boom, you go, "What the...?"

Little thin strip, boom, you go...

And then she says, and I quote...

"Turn round now, I need to get to the root of the problem."

LAUGHTER

She turns back to the cauldron.

I just lay down on the bed, I'm lying facedown,

she turns round to me and she went, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Well, you told me to turn round."

She said, "I'm not a miner!

"I'm not going to go looking for it, bring it here!"

"Bring it here!"

Like I was backing a van up!

I'm like that.

LAUGHTER

And the girls will tell you. When you've got what's defined as

"a problem area," you can tell, cos as soon as I start to back up,

she went... LONG INHALE

Like a builder looking at a big job, "Ooh."

She obviously thought, "This spatula is not going to do."

She went out and got a trowel, came back.

I'm like that.

And then if you've got what's called "a problem area,"

they coat it a few times. Going to take a bit.

I mean, it's took 45 years to get there,

it's not going to come off easy.

So I'm like that.

It's a very strange sensation, she's putting coat on after coat on,

it's taking a while.

"So are you busy then?"

Honest to God, she put that many coats on I thought she was

going to Artex it, it was ridiculous.

And then all of a sudden she said, "Right, right, I've put

"enough on," and they...that's right. She said, "I've put enough on."

She said, "We've just gotta wait now until it goes hard." I went...

LAUGHTER

I said, "I think we could be a while to be fair, love."

And then you know how they know it's gone hard, how they know it's ready?

They knock on it!

They knock on it like that.

Different sounds from the big one and the little one.

They knock on it.

Do you know how weird it is to have someone knock on your bollocks...

and you hear it before you feel it?

Then she goes, "Ah, that's it. You're ready now."

She goes, "Ah!"

They pull the edge first, don't they?

"Ah...ah."

"You ready? Right, breathe in."

"Breathe out."

"Breathe in." Boom!

Just pulls it off, boom!

The noise was like Velcro.

But Velcro that had been stuck there for 45 years!

The windows shook!

Soon as she pulled it off, she went "Boom, ssh."

It was like the Karate Kid with Mr Miyagi, "Pull off, wipe on."

I thought, "You're not vajazzling me, are you, love?"

And then she walks round the front, honest to God, she went,

"That's your problem."

It looked like road kill.

I thought, "There's your Fifty Shades Of Grey there.

"Look at that."

I thought, "No wonder I'm uncomfortable,

"I've been sat on a rabbit."

And as I say, I mean I'm describing

this and I know there's a lot of lads in this room who are going,

"Well, that's not for me," but do it.

Do it once in your life for a life experience.

It is un-believable!

Yeah, it's painful and, yeah, it takes your breath away,

massively takes your breath away, and you're there and you think,

"Ah, God, what have I done this for?"

And then she goes, "You can get off now. Get off the bed."

So you get off the bed and you stand there.

And it's that moment when you stand there like that...

..and that first draught arrives.

LAUGHTER

It's like being picked up! You think, "I'm so light!

"I must have lost about 4st! This is unbelievable!"

You start walking like that! You can't walk properly!

I walked out, I nearly got knocked over, I was walking like that.

I nearly got knocked over.

I thought, "What a bad time to be knocked over."

Imagine getting knocked over after a treatment like that, eh?

You'd be lying in hospital unconscious and they'd go,

"We've no idea who this is,

"but he is certainly the biggest ten-year-old we have ever seen."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But as I say, Manchester, I've got a lot of affection for,

but something happened to me this year in Manchester that

I will never ever, ever forget. It was brilliant.

It was one of those joyful moments that you think,

"I can't believe I'm doing this."

I got a phone call to say,

"Would you get involved in a thing called Soccer Aid?"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

For those who don't know what Soccer Aid is, Robbie Williams

gets this charity thing together for UNICEF and it's...an England

team made up of ex-footballers and celebrities playing against

a Rest Of The World team made up of ex-footballers and celebrities

and I got phoned up for the England team obviously as an ex-footballer(!)

And we turn up and it was fantastic.

For a week you can be like a footballer -

you stay in a hotel in London, you train in the morning,

you just then spend the time in the hotel,

everything's built to playing football of a weekend,

you haven't got any real responsibilities,

you can drive Ferraris, be randomly racist...

..have the odd spit roast, it was fantastic for a week!

And then you go off to play this game

and the game's played at Old Trafford.

During that week, the England team had not really mixed with

the Rest Of The World team so I didn't know what was going on.

We arrive at Old Trafford on the England bus.

Our team's made up of people like Paddy McGuinness, JLS,

Robbie Williams, Mark Owen, Olly Murs,

people of that nature, and our pros

are like Teddy Sheringham, David Seaman, Graeme Le Saux,

Des Walker, Martin Keown, Kevin Phillips,

good pros who have played for England.

We're there, they said, "Look, we've arrived before the Rest Of The World

team, yous lads should go out and inspect the pitch."

I've never heard anyone say anything as stupid in all of my life,

sending me and JLS out to inspect the pitch.

As if we're going to stand there and go,

"You know what, no, no, not playing on this.

"Seen the length of this grass? We'll lose Mark Owen on this.

"We're not fucking playing on this. Game's over."

But we're just stood on the pitch, can't believe we're in Old Trafford.

We're like that, we're looking around, it's unbelievable.

Then all of a sudden, the Rest Of The World squad come out.

(I couldn't believe it.)

First person I see, Kenny Dalglish, Ian Rush,

and then behind them is their players.

Hernan Crespo is the first player I see.

Hernan Crespo played for, I think it was three World Cups for Argentina!

He comes out and I think, "That's fucking Hernan Crespo!"

He comes out. The next one's Roy Keane.

I've never met Roy Keane before.

He comes walking out like that.

I went, "All right, Roy?"

He went, "Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah,"

and then just carried on eating a puppy.

But then what blew me away was their celebs.

Their celebs were another level altogether.

They were like Hollywood.

Woody Harrelson comes out, Gerard Butler comes out,

Edward Norton comes out and then all of a sudden, I see Will Ferrell.

Will Ferrell.

I went, "Eh! Eh, you! Eh! Eh!

"We love you in our house! Elf! You!

"Come here! Christmas, you, our house, fucking great!"

But then my proper hero comes out, Mike Myers,

Mike 'Austin Powers' Myers, he comes.

I just couldn't believe it.

I went up to him and said, "Mike," I said,

"listen, Mike, I'm a massive fan."

I said, "Really, honestly, Mike, it's just so great to meet you,"

I said, "but come on, where is he?"

And he went, "What, dude?"

I said, "Come on, the little fella, come on, where is he?"

He said, "What are you on about, dude?"

I said, "Come on, man, you know the little fella!

"Mini-Me! Where's Mini-Me?"

He said, "Dude, we just have him in the movies."

I said, "Oh, fuck off, Mike."

I said, "You had a Mini-Me and you let him go?"

"I wouldn't do that, I'd love a Mini-Me!"

Imagine how brilliant it would be to have a Mini-Me.

In my head, I couldn't get it out my head then,

I was loving the idea, I thought you could go shopping.

You know when you into those posh clothes shops where they bring you

the clothes, I'd just get Mini-Me to hide in the changing room.

When she brings in a T-shirt, get Mini-Me to go out and go,

"Sorry, love, this is massive."

"I don't know what you were thinking. I'm never going to wear this, am I?"

You know when you're trying to sell your house,

get people coming round to your house, knocking at your door

and you go, "Ding-ding!

"Oh, hi, you've come to see the house.

"Well, come in. This is the hall.

"Yeah, just decorated it two years ago. It's nice, yeah.

"We like it. Just come in here, this is the living room."

Just jump in the living room and hide behind the door

and get Mini-Me stood in the living room going,

"As you see, this is the living room.

"Yeah, it's massive!"

"Yeah, we love the big ceilings

"and that is the biggest telly in the world, that's true, yeah."

I couldn't get it out of my head.

When we were on holiday, I was lying on the sun bed

next to Melanie, I was going, "You know what, I'd love a Mini-Me.

"If I had a Mini-Me now, I'd dive in that pool at one end,

"I'd get him to come out the other end like that."

"Bit hot, that water, you know? There's something wrong with that."

But anyway, we played the game.

And in many respects,

this summarises the difference between men and women,

because I know every man in this room now understands what I'm saying,

you've got an opportunity to live the dream

that you never thought you'd have -

I'm playing on one of the most iconic football pitches in the world,

I'm playing in front of 74,000 people.

Un-believable!

We win!

We win. Fantastic.

Big celebration at the end.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My missus has brought the kids.

I come off the pitch, we go upstairs to one of the suites,

all the kids are there, my missus is there,

we're having a drink, they said, "Look, there's a party

"back at the hotel, why don't you come?"

We get on the team bus.

I get her on the team bus with us.

We get a police escort through the streets of Manchester

to the Lowry Hotel, so we're in the posh hotel.

We have a party there. We're there till 2:00 in the morning.

We stay overnight. We go back to our house the following day.

It's Monday. It's 2:00 in the afternoon.

I'm sat on our couch in the England tracksuit.

I don't want the dream to end.

I get the controls off the telly, I've got a cup of tea in my hand.

I'm like that. She comes in, she said, "What are you going to do?"

I said, "I'm just going to watch the telly.

"I'm just going to watch Soccer Aid."

She went, "Oh, is it on again?"

I said, "No, I'm just going through Sky Plus so that I can watch it."

She went, "Well, I didn't record it."

LAUGHTER

I said, "You didn't record it?"

She said, "Well, what was the point of recording it? We were going!"

But sometimes you get opportunities, don't you,

to sort of realise how much you do understand each other.

And I got this phone call, after all the Sport Relief things,

I got a phone call around about May.

And he said, he said, "John"... He's from Sport Relief.

He said, "David Cameron's office phoned up and they've said would you

"go down to 10 Downing Street and have a photograph with all

"the other people from Sport Relief," and I said, "No."

And they said, "Why?"

And I said, "Cos I think he's a prick."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And he said, "Well, that's a little bit harsh."

I said, "I do - every time I see him with his shiny head

"and his straight nose, talking about austerity

"when he's got friggin' multi-millions in the bank

"and he went to Eton, then he goes to Cambridge with all his mates."

I said, "Every time I see him on the telly with his straight nose,

"which proves he's never been punched in the face,

"and I don't trust anyone who's never been punched in the face."

So I said, "No, I don't want to meet him, not interested."

So they went, "Oh, well,

"we weren't really expecting that, but thank you." Put the phone down.

You know when you think you've done something, you think,

"That's fucking great, that. I'll phone my dad."

So I phoned my dad, I said, "Dad, you'll never believe what's just happened -

"I've just been invited to go down to 10 Downing Street

"to meet Dave Cameron, I told 'em to stuff it."

And he went, "You knob-head."

I said, "What do you mean?"

He said, "Well, how arrogant do you think you are?"

He said, "It's not about you, it's about everyone!

"It's about an opportunity."

He said, "No-one in our family has ever had an opportunity

"to go to 10 Downing Street.

"No-one on our estate has had an opportunity

"to go to 10 Downing Street.

"People like us don't get that chance.

"We never get a chance to walk through those doors."

He said, "You need to go down there,

"and you need to go, on behalf of everybody,

"on behalf of all the people like us,

"on behalf of all the people who have never had the chance,

"never had an opportunity to cross that threshold.

"You need to go down to 10 Downing Street

"and when you're in there, nick something."

"Just something little. Be dead funny.

"We can put it behind the bar in the pub and go,

"'John nicked that, ha-ha-ha.' It'll be a laugh."

I thought, "All right, Dad, I will,"

I went down in a new suit

with a red tie so he knew where I stood.

We walked in, we went to 10 Downing Street.

When you get there, there's gates at the door,

there's police by the gates.

I just said, "Hello, I've come to see the Prime Minister."

They said, "Oh, have you? Well, thank you for coming."

I said, "Thank you, that's very pleasant."

They said, "You have a pleasant day." I said, "That's very pleasant."

It was dead easy, just walk in.

Can't see what's hard about it to be perfectly honest with you.

I mean, admittedly I didn't have a bike and I'm not a cock,

but that's slightly different.

APPLAUSE

We turn up, we go to 10 Downing Street,

we're there with everyone else from Sport Relief,

we're hanging around in the Cabinet Room,

we're milling about and we're just having a chat.

All of a sudden, the door opens and he just comes in -

on his own, no entourage.

I mean, having said that, it is his house.

It'd be odd walking round your own house with an entourage.

But he comes in, I've just seen him out the corner of my eye.

I saw the reflection off his head,

off that head that has never got a crease in it, that shiny head.

He's come with that parting that looks like his mam still did it.

He come in, straight nose, I thought, "That's you!

"It's you, innit? You're the one who I shout at on the telly,

"you with your friggin' austerity, come in here, look at you

"with your shiny face, you're coming at me with your straight nose,

"it's you, you're the one I think needs punching in the face!

"You're coming right to... look at you,

"you shiny-headed posh-nosed bastard, look at you! Look at you!"

He just comes walking up to me and goes, "Hello, John." I went...

POSH ACCENT: "Hello, Prime Minister."

LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE

I just thought, "Argh!"

And you know when you're with someone who knows you more than you know yourself,

Melanie's looking at me across the room going, "Leave it.

"Leave it. Don't say anything else."

I'm going, "I want to fucking say something..."

"Just leave it."

Then he walked along. To be fair to him, he's got fantastic charisma.

Does that thing that every politician does -

catches your eye, makes you think

you're the most important person in the room.

So he walks along, says to everyone, goes up to Helen Skelton,

he said, "Helen, I watched what you did for Sport Relief and, oh,

"you spent months in the cold and you were riding your bicycle

"and kayaking - it was really, really so impressive, so impressive.

"All that money and all that freezing cold,

"It was really super, super.

"Really, really super, super, super. Super."

Then he comes up to David Walliams.

He said, "David, I watched what you did

"and the swimming and the 140 miles.

"I thought it was super, really super, super, super effort,

"really super, super, really super, very, very impressive, super, super."

Then he comes to me.

He said, "John...I watched what you did for Sport Relief."

He said, "We were watching it at home.

"I watched the documentary and it was super, really super,

"but there was a moment where you were in that rowing boat

"and there was a look on your face

"and I've never seen anybody look more desperate

"to get to the shores of England."

I said, "Oh, really?"

I said, "Well, you want to have a look at some of those illegal immigrants then, don't you?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He just went, "Mm...David!"

So, ladies and gentlemen, you have been fantastic.

I am so glad we filmed this DVD in Manchester,

but there's one thing to do now.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Slide!

It's the slide.

Oh, yeah!

In style!

CHEERING

We're going to do the slide in style. This is going to be great.

Do me a favour, I've gotta go up the slide, don't go.

It'd be so heartbreaking to come out of the slide

and there's no-one here.

Right, I'll be one minute.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm coming up! I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Are we ready? Oh.

-Ready? AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

Manchester, one last slide, one last time, let's have it!

We ready? Three!

WITH AUDIENCE: Two! One! Hooray.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That was brilliant!

Look at the size of this place!

What happened to me?

At least something stayed the same.

No, honest, it was always small.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for a brilliant night.

Please put your hands together for all the staff...

..for all the crew...

..and last, but not least, me.

Thank you!

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Dean!

CHEERING

Dean is my little secret.

But please keep the secret to yourself so we don't ruin

the show for anyone else and also keep it to yourself

in case Social Services find out

because I've only just got him over from Bulgaria.

He's no idea what's going on but Man City have put a bid in

for 15 million.

I'll be honest with you, ladies and gentlemen,

I've never finished a show sharing the stage with somebody like that.

It's almost like I've got my own Andrew Ridgeley...

..because this is the closest I've ever got to being in Wham.

MUSIC: "I'm Your Man" by Wham!

MIMING: # Call me good

# Call me bad

# Call me anything you want to, baby

# But I know that you're sad

# And I know I'll make you happy with the one thing that you never had

# Baby, I'm your man

# Don't you know that?

# Baby, I'm your man

# You bet!

# If you're going to do it, do it right, right? Do it with me

# If you're going to do it, do it right, right?

# Do it with me... # Come on!

# If you're going to do it, do it right, right? Do it with me

# If you're going to do it, do it right, right? Do it with me

# So good

# You're divine

# Wanna take you, wanna make you But they tell me it's a crime!

# Everybody knows where the good people go

# But where we're going, baby

# Ain't no such word as no!

# Baby, I'm your man

# Don't you know who I am?

# Baby, I'm your man

# You bet!

# If you're going to do it, do it right, right? Do it with me

# If you're going to do it, do it right, right?

# Do it with me... # Come on, let's have you!

Manchester, you've been brilliant!

Once more on the slide! Once more!

# And with some stimulation... #

Come on, get up!

CHEERING

# So why waste time With the other guys?

# When you can have mine

# I ain't askin' for no sacrifice

# Baby, your friends do not need to know!

# I've got a real nice place to go

# Listen, I don't need you to care

# I don't need you to understand

# All I want is for you to be there

# And when I'm turned on

# If you want me, I'm your man! #

CHEERING

Manchester, you've been brilliant! Thank you!

Good night!