The Story Continues

This programme contains strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Glasgow!

Yeah!

Good evening, Glasgow!

CHEERING

Thanks for that. Good to be here.

Good to be back. How are we feeling? Good?

Thanks for that beautiful welcome. Thanks for coming.

I appreciate that.

First of all, spending your hard earned dosh on a ticket to see me

in these tough times.

Thanks very much for that. It means a lot. Sold out show.

Yeah!

CHEERING

In these tough times, spending your hard earned dosh on a ticket

to see any comedian this year, knowing that there's a good chance

we're paying fuck all tax.

Well done for that!

People thought Jimmy Carr got it bad.

Wait till the press hear about me. I'm still signing on!

That's just a wee joke there. An ice-breaker, before anybody's...

"Shock revelation..."

I don't get these guys, dodging tax.

How much money do you need?

You know these super rich guys

with like £30 million in offshore accounts.

If you've got £30 million, don't put it in an offshore account,

put it in a current account and look at it!

LAUGHTER

I would never pass a cash machine again.

"I'm just going to press 'display balance' over here, guy."

"Your balance is £30 million!

"Today you may withdraw 300 quid."

LAUGHTER

A double dip recession, is what they're calling it.

That's what we're in. I don't know what that means.

It used to be a good thing, "double dip", innit?

Since when was that a negative?

These bankers have ruined dib dabs!

You used to get orange and cherry sherbet with a swizzle stick.

Now you think of government cuts.

I don't fully understand it.

I read last week America, they're in 16 trillion dollars of debt.

That is unacceptable, innit?!

How do you get into 16 trillion dollars?!

Surely somebody at the IMF's got to phone,

"Look, you've got till Friday."

"Trying to make us look like pricks, here? 16 trillion..."

America are skint, Europe are skint, I hope

Africa have got some good rock bands because we need a concert!

That's my solution - it's their round!

They can show some appeal videos.

LAUGHTER

"This is Gordon and Diane, from Bishopbriggs!"

"No, I cannae watch these videos!"

Why do they always show you this stuff

when you're having your tea, did you notice that?

"Gordon and Diane, like so many others,

"took out a fixed rate mortgage."

Everybody's going...

"The world can be such a cruel place!

"Puts things into perspective. It was only this mornin'

"I had the cheek to moan about having to walk 20 miles for clean water,

then you see this!"

"Every time I click my fingers a newly married couple from Dumfries

have a credit card application rejected."

A double dip recession!

I've got mates that've lost their job, I know people who have

went beyond unemployment. I've got people in social circles,

I've got friends who I can only describe as being unemployed as fuck!

I know that's not fully utilising the English language,

but it's what's being created these days - people who have just been

forgotten about,

people who are unemployed as fuck!

They've just been forced to embrace the rut they're in.

They're just sat at home, they've got their routines,

Homes Under The Hammer, then it's Man v. Food.

They're fuckin' adamant they've been mis-sold PPI!

Every 15 minutes you see that advert.

On the phone, "Where's my PPI then?! Eh?

"I don't know what it stands for, but I would like it back!

"I need that money so I can adopt a snow leopard!"

I feel for them. It must be tough.

Under the coalition government,

I love their proposals for the job crisis, David Cameron and their

guys - the work experience programmes creating jobs for people.

Just like normal jobs, the only difference being you don't get paid.

If you're unemployed, you get to work but you don't get any wages for it.

It's to boost your self-esteem. How condescending!

That's what people need!

"Last Friday of the month, I'm going to go check and see

"if my self-esteem's in."

"Feelin' a bit low. Thank the Lord! It's self-esteem Friday!"

LAUGHTER

"Going to try and pay these bills. 'Hi, is that British Gas?'

'Listen mate, I'm skint, but I feel terrific!

LAUGTHER

'I'm wondering, are you prepared to accept self-esteem?'

'Or maybe I can go on Skype and just smile at you, how's that?'

To stop people slipping into depression, David Cameron said

about the work experience programmes.

Poundstretcher was one of the first shops to sign up to these programmes.

Workin' in Poundstretcher for no wages, that's pretty depressing!

Workin' in a shop where everything is worth a quid, except you!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

It's about as depressing as it gets!

You look at these guys

and what would David Cameron know about being unemployed?

He's never been unemployed as fuck! He's never...

David Cameron's never woken up at three o'clock in the afternoon.

He's never had a packet of Flaming Hot Monster Munch for his breakfast!

LAUGHTER

David Cameron's never known that feelin'

of waking up at three in the afternoon and your only goal

for the day is to try and piss a skid mark off the inside of your toilet!

WHISTLING

You know when you start seeing that as a challenge?

"OK, that's been three days, that's ridiculous!"

"I could use the brush but that's admitting defeat!"

"Gonnae get a glass of water, I'm gonnae reload here!

"I'll be two minutes tryin' to get a hard on,

"get a bit of pressure on this!"

LAUGHTER

David Cameron...

I reckon even Nick Clegg regrets gettin' involved with David Cameron.

I reckon Nick Clegg... I look at him,

He's only guilty of that thing I've done myself.

I imagine most of you have -

when you meet somebody on your first day in a new job

or a new course and you hit it off, you've found a new buddy.

You've found a new friend, but as the days and weeks go on,

you slowly begin to discover that your new pal is a dick!

And everybody else knows the guy's a bellend, but it's too late

for you, you've committed and you're now known as "The Bellend's Pal"!

I'm not a big political guy.

Scottish independence, that's been gettin' talked about.

DISTANT CHEERING

We're havin' a... A couple of... Freedom!

Yes, yeah.

People booing, people cheering.

I don't think anything's going to get resolved at a comedy show,

but feel free to voice your opinions!

2014, that's when they're having the referendum,

that's because it's 700 years after the Battle of Bannockburn.

That's to get us patriotic.

You know, we're gonnae show Braveheart the night before

that referendum, STV, nine o'clock, Braveheart!

I reckon we should also show Trainspotting, just to even it.

LAUGHTER

"We want freedom, that's us! Oh, that's also us."

We're quite an open-minded country, Scotland.

I've seen something quite refreshing.

We had an anti-immigration demo, seen this in the paper,

in Irvine, that's where they had it,

an anti-immigration demo in Irvine,

a place that has got fuck all and nobody would move to!

That's where they had the anti-immigration demo.

And it was quite refreshing that only 18 people showed up,

I read that in the paper.

It'd be a bigger turnout if the wave machine broke in The Magnum Centre,

that would have been a turnout!

That would have been a demo. That would've been animosity...

"I fuckin' brought the wee man down!

"And the wave machine's not workin?"

"Go and finish your Slush Puppie, son,

"Daddy's goin' to speak to the man!"

I was about 13 before I discovered that sentence,

"Daddy's goin' to speak to the man" means

"Mummy will pick you up from the police station."

I don't really have an opinion on Scottish independence.

I suppose I'm in the "Fuck it, it'll be a laugh" camp!

Maybe, in 50 years, you'll turn on The National Geographic channel,

see programmes like Scottish Border Cops.

Two guys in the airport interrogating some poor guy from Leamington Spa!

Not like real cops, just like rock steady guys.

You know, the G4S guys that have swapped their personality

for a hi-vis jacket! You know them guys?

I would watch that, Scottish Border Cops,

goin' through the guy's bag, "And what's this?"

"It's, er, it's a banana, why? Are those illegal?"

"I never said they were illegal, pal, but we don't like them!"

Have we got any English in?

AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS

Whoo! Just one person there!

I don't think we're anti-English. People confuse us...

ENGLISH ACCENT: "Why don't you support us in major football

"tournaments? Every tournament, let me get this straight,

"you actively support the other teams because they're playing England?"

"That's pretty much it, mate!"

That's nothing anti-English, though, that's the England football team,

guys like John Terry, I know he's quit,

I look at John Terry in the papers, he looks like the kind of guy,

if he never made it as a footballer, you'd see him outside a pub

in Tenerife or somewhere goin' "You guys want a free shot tonight?

"What's the plan tonight, lads?

"Comin' down The Bull's Head for a free Sambuca?

"Gottle of geer!

"You'll love it, mate, loads of girls, free shots, c'mon down!

"Just say Jono sent you, big JT. Free shot, mate."

Scottish football, we're goin' through an interesting period there.

CHEERING

Feel the division in the camp there!

I only said, "Scottish football." People going...

HE INHALES

"Just you fuckin' tread carefully, pal!"

It's a tough one to explain, Scottish football.

ENGLISH ACCENT: "What actually happened up there?

"Was it a two horse race?"

"That's it, mate, but we lost a horse!"

Scottish football's become showjumping.

I don't know how they feel and I know we're getting a bit, you know,

tension there, but I had to laugh at it.

Rangers Football Club, they owed a lot of people money.

I read the list of everybody that was owed money and it just got surreal.

They owed like...60 quid was owed to a local newsagent,

these small sums that made it mental.

About 60 quid to a local taxi firm

and then the one that made me chuckle.

It said £40 was owed to a local, Glasgow face painting company.

LAUGHTER

I had to read it a few times,

"Does that say face painting company?

"How the did they...? 40 quid to a face painting company!"

The newspaper article never explained why.

There was no backup information,

just left that there, as if that's a common footballing expense!

A face painting company!

The club have been in financial meltdown and there's some guy

runnin' about the boardroom kiddin' on he's a tiger!

Some guy just opening doors, going, "Rrrr!"

What was going on?! "I dare you do the Chairman!"

"I fuckin' will do the Chairman. I fuckin' will!"

"Rrrr!"

The boardroom going, "Will you go and wash your face, ya fuckin' idiot!

"Trying to fix these accounts here, sorry about him, boys.

"40 quid he spent on that!"

"Ah, 40 quid, but it's a cracker. Did ya see his whiskers?"

There we go. Rrrr! Halloween's coming up.

I think that's quite a hallucinogenic experience,

Halloween, in this city.

Any UK city, cos we don't really, in Scotland or England,

we don't really have a laid-back, festival, carnival culture.

Everybody gets dressed up

but there's still violence in the streets.

I've walked down Sauchiehall Street on Halloween

and I thought I was on something.

I just... Everybody's dressed up but emotions still run high.

They're by no means in high spirits.

There's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

kicking shit out of SpongeBob SquarePants!

LAUGHTER

Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz, she's eating chips and cheese,

shouting, "Barry, fuckin' leave him!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Buzz Lightyear and Woody handcuffed up against a shop window!

"Watch this, boys. You're my favourite deputy!"

"You're going to get us a weekender, ya knob! Shut up!"

Rrrr!

Ah, big summer of sport we did have, we had the Olympics.

Don't know if we enjoyed that, the Olympics, here.

MINGLED CHEERING AND BOOING

Somebody booing the Olympics there.

I enjoyed it, Usain Bolt, that's a great name, innit?

You can make his name sound quite confrontational.

"Usain? Bolt!"

What's his middle name, a tut? "Usain? Tut! Bolt!"

The Olympics, I enjoyed the Olympics and the Paralympics.

I enjoyed the whole thing, thought it was pretty good.

see the prefix "para" it means parallel,

that's why they call it the Para-lympics.

Parallel, it runs parallel with the actual Olympics.

See, "para", to me and people my age,

I've always associated that with paranoia, right?

If you describe somebody as being a bit "para",

it means they've just had too many good weekends

and their brain has just said, "I'm out of here.

"You can do the rest yourself. I'm just going to go."

You know, guys you see in house parties at eight in the morning,

long after the party's finished, just sitting on the couch

wearing somebody's mum's dress.

Both their eyebrows missing.

That's somebody you would say, "He looks a bit para!"

I laughed this year, I seen Para-lympics.

Well, how good would that be,

an athletics event for acid casualties? I'd go to that!

Just a thought I had, the Para-lympics,

see some guy shattering the 100 metre record

cos he thought the police were chasing him!

Commentator - "And what made this even more special was

"he completed the entire race with his head over his left shoulder

"whilst frantically emptying his pockets onto the track."

They could have a false start at the Para-lympics,

"The fuckin' voice in my head said go!"

The diving.

Some guy up the top of the diving board, just refusing to jump.

"No chance, that's the shallow end!"

LAUGHTER

What about you, big guy, do you play any sports?

Guy with the biceps there.

The Olympics get you inspired, no? You get involved, yeah?

You play sports, what do you play?

-Anything you want.

-Anything you want to play ?

Right, I'm no' seeing if you're coming oot! I'm just asking!

I'm not at your door with a ball under my arm.

It's no' the summer holidays.

And we're no' ten, I'm just asking, do you play?

I'm kinda busy the noo for a game of Kerby. I'm just asking!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Anything you want to play! Aye, it's pishing doon,

"We'll just play the computer? Sit in?"

Do you play computer games? Nah?

I gave up on them, I played COD, that's what my wee cousin said,

"Oh, you need to get COD." Call Of Duty.

I'll explain that to anybody over 40.

It's the biggest selling computer game of all time.

It's Call Of Duty, the kids call it COD.

I'll just explain that

in case you ever get invited over for a game of COD

and you show up with the wrong stuff!

Walk into your nephew's living room. Start slapping people!

"Bet you never thought Uncle Eddie could play COD, boys, eh?"

"I was the West of Scotland semifinalist in the '80s at COD.

"Love it!

"After this we'll play Smoked Haddock!"

"Same rules, different fish."

"That is minging, Uncle Eddie!"

"Sorry about him, boys, he's a fanny!"

So you don't play much sport, then, Big Guy? What's your name?

Chris.

Chris. Name's Chris. Good man, Chris!

I was always petrified of playing sport.

When I was young, I blame the managers, that's the problem

with youth development in football in this country.

Go to your local playing fields, on a Saturday morning

and watch these guys who manage under-10s.

Go if you've got a relative involved, otherwise it can look

a bit dubious, if you just sort of show up every week.

I watch these guys.

These guys have got their initials stitched onto their tracksuit,

on the touchline, they've got an earpiece in, so they can communicate

to their assistant manager, he's sitting up in a tree!

Got a pair of Adidas Sambas on, football socks pulled up,

pair of nice, tight shorts, nice '80s style.

Just screaming abuse. That's what put me off.

Terrifying, these guys. Just going "Jamie, come inside."

Just screaming demoralising abuse at nine-year-olds.

"Come inside, son. Jamie. Jamie!

"None of that fancy stuff. OH, FUCK YOU, JAMIE!

"That's why your mum's an alkie, ya wee prick!

"I know, George, but it's every fuckin' Saturday!"

You go on any holidays this summer, Chris?

-I'm going next week!

-You're going next week,

-where are you going?

-Florida!

-Going to Florida? Good man.

They don't understand a word I say.

I went over to America, I done a gig in America and after the gig

a guy said to me, "H-hey, buddy, er, are you actually Scottish?"

LAUGHTER And I said yes.

And a bit of your soul dies when you say yes.

You're used to saying "aye".

You feel your brain giving you a wanker sign.

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

He said, "Are you actually Scottish?" And I said yes.

And he said, "Man, your English is so good!"

I went on holiday. You see it from a different perspective

when you go away with your friends for the first time.

I've always seen them in action, but when you actually go on one,

a boys' or a girls' holiday, the holiday starts months in advance,

the day you go and book the holiday, that's a wee holiday in itself!

Saturday morning, get a couple of cans,

"Let's get steaming, go and book this!"

You don't just send a couple of representatives.

About 18 of you go to the travel agent.

Boot the door off the hinges!

"Get us tae fuck!"

LAUGHTER

"The deal in the window times 18!"

Of the original 18 who sign up, only four will make it.

It's a bit like a boot camp.

Unemployed-as-fuck mates, they're the first ones to bail on you.

They fall at the first hurdle.

"Don't know if I can go, lads, unless my PPI comes in!"

D'ye think Thomas Cook will take self-esteem?"

I went away...I went away for two weeks with my mates.

That's a mistake that you make once in your life,

going on holiday with your friends for two weeks.

You go on holiday with your friends for two weeks,

you will discover that you have no friends.

The second week, you start to feel feelings of overwhelming anger.

You don't even know why you're furious.

Inhuman levels of fucking rage!

Just sitting at the side of the pool, with a hat on, shorts, sunburn

right up to there, and sunburnt to here,

your T-shirt's still damp cos you've been in the pool.

Just sitting there, raging!

"See that fucking prick?!"

"I'm gonnae fucking kill him!"

"How, what's he done?" "Just fucking look at him!"

"Look at the way he reads the paper.

"He turns the page, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!

"He fucking knows it annoys me!"

You see the real guys on your plane. We were the newcomers.

You see the professional lads' holidays, with their T-shirts made,

they're on your plane, nicknames on the T-shirts.

Shagger, Rambo, Craigy, Ginge,

That's the four accepted nicknames for a professional class of '97 -

guys who have made bail money in pesetas and escudos.

They're the guys on your plane hitting the call bell, 40,000 feet,

saying, "Excuse me, mate, gonnae give that CD to the pilot?

"Tell him track 10!"

LAUGHTER

WHISTLING

You know when you're that drunk, there's only a finger that can move?

You're still trying to buy more alcohol

and the cabin crew are saying, "You do realise, guys,

"that one alcoholic drink consumed in the sky, it's the equivalent

"of two consumed on the ground?"

"Ya hear that, Craigy? Fucking wake up!

"Guy says it's two-for-wans, mate, get up!

"Get up, ya prick, it's happy hour!"

I got asked last week, "What kind of music do you like, Kev?"

I don't know. Don't have a clue.

Modern stuff just sounds the same to me.

Everything's all that R&B stuff, be like these days, "In da club!"

All that sort of stuff, "Everybody in da club! In da club!"

It's how every song sounds to me.

"In da club, in da club, in da club!"

They just speak in a language I don't get.

"Everybody gonna shuffle on down in da club!

"Getting freaky! In da club!

"I'm feeling sexy, In da club, in da club!

"In da club, in da club, in da club!

"DJ spinning my song in da club! In da club, in da club!"

Everything happens in this club wi' these pricks, doesn't it?

"In the club! In da club!"

"We ain't gonna stop till it's time to start again!

"In da club! In da club, in da club, in da club!"

You know songs that make you feel thick?

You actually feel it deleting cookies in your brain?

"In da club, in da club, in da club!"

And the song finishes and you think, "I now know less stuff!"

LAUGHTER

I've just forgot the difference

between a pastoral and an arable farm.

"In da club, in da club, in da club!"

Even their names, Will.i.am. That guy.

How do you get to that stage in your celebrity status?

Will.i.am? His name's William.

You just decided to start putting full stops in the middle?

Will.i.am!?

If I was to request to be known as Kev.i.n,

I'd get a slap in the face!

If I was to sit my dad down and say

"Dad, I thinking about reinventing myself as Kev.i.n"...

..he'd be saying... HE INHALES

.."Just run that by me again, son?

"Want to step outside, talk me through this?"

That song, Bruno Mars, that's when I lost a bit of faith in modern music.

"I'd catch... I'd catch a grenade for you."

That song. Heard that song a few years ago.

# I'd catch a grenade for ya!"

That's what passes for romance these days? That's a love song,

in the modern day. "I would catch a grenade for you!"

That's a guy, singing about the depths of his love

for what I'm guessing is his girlfriend,

that he's prepared to catch...

I don't mean to offer the guy relationship advice

but if you're dating somebody,

who people are chucking grenades at...

LAUGHTER

..that's your first problem, right there.

"Whoa!

"Is that an ex of yours?"

Where does he plan on taking her?

A romantic stroll doon the Helmand Province?

"C'mon! I'll catch them! C'mon!

"C'mon!"

APPLAUSE

"Ah, you're so cute when you worry! C'mon!

"Oop, don't worry, I caught it! There you go."

That's the kind of girl your mum would say,

"I think you can do a bit better than that, son!"

I like a bit of honesty in my song lyrics.

If I was singing a love song, I'd be singing promises I could deliver.

"I would take a dead arm for you!" Something like that.

# I'd take a deidie for you!"

"I'd take a right good slagging for you!"

Aye, we like our celebrity these days.

We like that, a bit of celebrity culture.

I'm the same. I watch these chat shows with all these plant pots,

like Nicole Scherzinger and Nicki Minaj and Madonna

and all these people, just... I've been on chat shows with these types.

They go on and they start, "Yeah," all that self-absorbed...

I'd love to host a chat show. I've been thinking about this.

I'd love to host a chat show...

jWHISTLING AND CHEERING

I would call it Did Ye, Aye?

LAUGHTER

Cos that is the only thing I think when I watch these people.

That self-absorbed, just lack of humility, when they start whingeing,

"Yeah, er, you know man, er, after the incident,

"which I'm not prepared to talk about, er,

"I guess I disappeared into a bad place, you know?

"I went to a dark place and I didn't even know myself any more.

"I was pretty low.

"I looked in the mirror and I didn't even know who that guy was any more,

"man, and that, that was a tough time for me, but I realise now,

"that I had to go to that place to survive,

"but I had to go to that place and survive, to get to this place,

"you know, man? I had to go there, to get here."

"Aw, did ye, aye?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just that one dismissive term, and just leaving it hanging,

just offer a vacant stare in return.

Till the studio audience, the tension's unbearable, occasionally

breaking the stare to give the crowd the "Who's this prick?" look.

LAUGHTER

Like, "Yeah, there's so many different me's.

"There's happy me, angry me, and - you do not want to see angry me -

"and, er, I guess I was becoming this new me,

"that you guys in the media had created and you know, I get tired."

"Oh, did ye, aye?"

LAUGHTER

At school, remember at school, when somebody was talking shite

you could just counter their claims by going, "Ba, ba, bnnnhhh!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's how I feel when I watch a celebrity chat.

"Did ye, aye? Ba, ba, bnnnhhh!"

There's some aspects of school life should have continued

long into adulthood, that's number one in the list.

When somebody's talking nonsense, that should remain a valid retort.

"Ba, ba, bnnnhhh!"

That made me laugh at ten, makes me laugh at 25.

I'll laugh at that when I'm in my eighties.

I'll be in a nursing home.

CHEERING

There'll be some care worker, saying,

"Mr Bridges, I hope you know, your grandchildren, they're so excited

"to come and visit you on Sunday, isn't that nice?

"They can't wait to come and see you.

"They're so excited, to come and spend the whole day with you!"

and I'll be going, "Ba, ba, bnnnhhh!"

LAUGHTER

Bnnnhhh!

I hated school. I could never even enjoy the weekends.

At primary school, I could never even enjoy the weekends

for worrying about going back on the Monday. Remember that?

I used to get a gut-wrenching feeling on Sundays

as the telly programmes like Lovejoy and London's Burning

and then Heartbeat. Oh!

Used to have that "school in the morning" telly.

The Heartbeat theme tune would come on.

Just feel as if it's getting in your arse

and ripping your spirit out through your arsehole.

"Oh!"

"Oh-ho-ho! Oh, it's my spirit leaving my arse again, oh!"

HE HUMS THEME FROM "HEARTBEAT"

Oh-ho-ho-haw!

HUMS "HEARTBEAT" DESPAIRINGLY

# Heartbeat! # "Ah, ya f..."

Claude Greengrass - how come every time he's on the telly

I need to go for a bath? Auld bastart!

LAUGHTER

I enjoyed high school. Used to do that.

Used to play a bit of truant.

I need to call it "playing truant" cos we've got a DVD.

Don't want to talk about dogging,

in case there's English watching it. Goin'...

CHEERING

ENGLISH ACCENT: "Is he talking about his school days

"and he was going dogging?

"Shall we, er, reopen this case?"

"Playing truant" up here is called dogging. I used to like that.

I never done it a lot, I just used to go in,

maybe a wee, one Friday a month, one Friday, always a Friday.

Take a wee voluntary day off,

get as far as registration, say, "Here, Miss!"

and then fuck off!

Back to somebody's mum and dad's house about half past nine.

They'd be at work, place to ourselves, and we always had

a mate who would always show up at these "playing truant"

or dogging sessions...

LAUGHTER

He always used to have pornos on him. That was his thing.

He loved pornos.

Not porn, "pornos". And they came in magazine format,

in VHS format, and then, towards the latter stages, in DVD format.

Everybody liked a bit of porn,

but this wee guy, was fascinated - porn was his thing.

Never seen him since school.

Wee weirdo. Liked burning stuff - you know they guys?

Put a bit of shite on a stick and chase ye.

LAUGHTER

You'd leave your lunch and you'd come back

and there's a pube in it, and he's going, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

There was one day, we were playing truant,

full house, and he'd brought along his schoolbag with some porn in it

and from the porn bag he produced a porn DVD

and it was genuinely entitled "Anal Pandemonium 5".

That's what he pulled out.

That was the title.

That title will stick with you, your whole life. Anal Pandemonium 5.

So you look at it, thinking, "This is monumental,"

first time I've ever seen the DVD cover of Anal Pandemonium 5.

And I go, "I don't know if this is, I'm just at

"the Red Shoe Diaries, Eurotrash, am I getting fast-tracked here?"

But it was unanimous.

Only one option for the afternoon's entertainment.

Stuck it on the DVD player.

None of us had seen the first four, but we're getting the gist.

LAUGHTER

Everybody transfixed on it.

Porno, five, ten minutes in, wee weirdo guy, he got up

and he left the sitting area and went upstairs to the bathroom

and, upon his return, it was noted he was gone

too long to be taking a piss, but not long enough to be doing a shite.

LAUGHTER

Accusations begin to fly.

Anal Pandemonium 5 gets paused.

"Fucking pause that till we speak to this pervert here!"

One of the big, unmistakable "we're watching porn" pauses,

where there's just dildos lying on everything.

Nobody's going to walk in and go, "What's that they're watching?"

Just, filth! That was the backdrop for this interrogation.

And he went on the defensive.

We're going, "Where have you been, then, ya dirty bastard?"

And he's goin', "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!"

He says, "I was just upstairs."

He said, "I was taking a shite."

And we're looking at the time.

Trying to do the maths, thinking, "A shite? In that time?!"

"Did ye forget to wipe your arse?!"

LAUGHTER

And he said, "Naw, it was a ghostie!"

Immediately, we're on the back foot.

We never even considered that an option.

LAUGHTER

A ghostie!

The perfect shite. Not one sheet of toilet roll required.

Not a flush is needed.

The environment does not get damaged in the slightest.

Just, casually, strolls right out.

"Don't mind me mate, nothing to see!" Hits the water. "Cheerio."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thinking, "I'm sure... I'm sure I took a shite there!"

LAUGHTER

It felt like a shite.

It smells like a shite!

I needed a shite, I now no longer need a shite.

But I cannot seem to locate a shite.

It's like Keyser Soze. Just gone.

That was it. We even apologised to the guy.

"Sorry, mate," we thought, "Nah, we won't even mention what we thought.

"There you go. Help ye back to your seat there."

Un-paused the feature.

It was a shite, just realised I said "shite" about ten times.

Shite's a great word, isn't it? Under-used.

It's only Scotland and Ireland who still keep that strong. "Shite!"

Don't like "shit". Shit's become a utility word.

Shite MEANS shite.

"Shit" means anything these days.

"Do you wanna smoke some of that shit?"

"I'm really digging your shit."

"I need to go home and pack my shit."

LAUGHTER

You could never put "shite" on they sentences.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

"Want to smoke some of that shite?"

"You're really digging my shite?"

"You're going home early to pack your shite?!"

Or "poo". That's annoying.

Adults that still say "poo".

"Er, guys, can we stop the car? I really have to go for a poo."

"I've just seen your ID here."

"You're over seven and you want to go for a poo?"

LAUGHTER

A poo!

That's that new voice that's creeping in.

You know that, "Hey, guys," that sort of like...

I still live in Glasgow.

I moved out of my family home about eight months ago.

I live in the West End, and that's the way, I've got that new...

CHEERING

Know that new homogenised sort of, "Hey guys, er, what's your chat?"

You know that new Scottish, "What's your chaht?

"Er, yah, we were out last night for Callum's birthday drinks

"and, er, wasn't Fraser's banter totally bangin', wasn't it?"

"Fraser, er, Callum and Gavin are such a double act, aren't they?

"Er, their ban-tur was on fi-yur!

"Top chaht, yeah! Really top chat, top ban-tur! Totally top bants!

"All I remember was, Rebecca bought me a Jagerbomb

"and, er, me and Gavin were planking in Burger King, ugh...!

I woke up this morning, I was actually dyin'!

"Top ban-tur, top chaht!"

That's the kind of freaks I live beside these days!

"Top banter!"

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

I moved out, I got on the property ladder,

bought myself a nice wee flat.

I've never viewed a property in my life.

I was needing a bit of advice.

My dad, he volunteered himself as the property expert.

He said, "If you're going viewing places, son, I'm gonnae come with,

"because what'll happen is, you'll walk into a nice wee flat,

"you'll get excited, the guy who owns it will see you're excited,

"then the price goes up, whereas me - poker face."

He's never viewed a property in his life.

My dad's been in the same council house his whole life.

You don't go and view a council flat.

You don't get a survey or a home report done.

You just get told,

"That's where you're gonnae live now, get fuckin' in!"

LAUGHTER

But he's volunteered himself as the property expert.

Me and him are rocking up there to view this guy's gaff.

Me and him, like Colin and Justin, walking up.

LAUGHTER

My dad's going, "Poker face". We never even get into the guy's house

and my dad had dissolved, going, "That car's got a valid tax disc!

"They've got a few quid up here, get a wee photograph of that, son!"

LAUGHTER

You learn some of life's harshest lessons as well

when you live on your own for the first time,

some of life's toughest, like Lurpak Spreadable is unspreadable!

That's the most recent one. That was a tough one to take.

I'm stood there, lunch time, making myself a piece and crisps.

LAUGHTER

I have been nothing short of meticulous in my preparations.

I've decided how many crisps I'm going to put on the sandwich

and how many crisps I'm going to keep in the packet

as a wee side dish.

I was even whistling, having a nice wee day, got my butter knife,

commenced the spread. Within seconds, it turned sinister.

My wrist nearly snapped!

Just check that says "spreadable". All right, must be.

Must be me, then. I better change my technique.

I'll go for rotations, there.

Bits of your worktop start to appear through the bread!

LAUGHTER

So I had to abort the mission.

Lunch time, just spent in the garden, eating half a packet of crisps,

feeding the birds. "Here you go, lads."

Even the pigeons are going, "What happened to that, mate?

"C'mere, look at this, lads.

"Trying to feed us this shite?!"

You put that in a shredder, mate?"

How many more innocent bits of bread must be ripped apart

before somebody challenges these bastards?

That should be their new advert -

"Lurpak Spreadable - ba, ba, bnnnhhh!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I still live up here. 25 years old.

I got an iPhone for my birthday.

My mum and dad got me an iPhone, a pretty extravagant gift.

That's what they got me.

Sounds like a lovely gesture but you get iPhones for free.

All they done was sign me up to a contract.

LAUGHTER

You realise you're in the real world, move out the family home,

you start getting presents like that, "Happy birthday, son,

"we got you a wee £40 a month direct debit set up, OK?"

Wee monthly reminder how much we love you.

That's what I got. And it turns you into a moron, these smartphones.

I've got it, sit touching it, caressing it

and constantly checking it. Use it for everything.

It's actually a novelty to be on the phone for a phone call these days.

I've been on the phone and I've drifted off in the conversation

and I've suddenly been hit by a wave of panic,

thinking, "Fuck! where's my phone?"

LAUGHTER

"I need to go, mate, I've lost my phone!

"Know what I just done there? Ha-ha!"

I heard a guy answer his phone on a train.

He was sat behind me and it was his mate, Francis, who was on the phone.

I knew that because he answered the phone by saying, "Francis?"

And the guy never spoke again, the whole conversation.

He just...he just laughed!

And it wasn't like a nice, infectious laugh.

It was one of they laughs where the joke clearly has a victim.

You don't know the story but your sympathies lie with the protagonist.

He said, "Francis?

"Ha, hahahaaaa, hahaha, ahahahaa!

"Ah! Ha-ha-haaa-ha!

"All right, all right, mate, bye-bye, cheers."

I still take public transport.

I know some of you probably don't believe that,

sat there going, "No chance, that's Kev.i.n up there, no way!"

Ha, ha, haaa!

I still take the bus.

I don't drive. That's my problem,

I've took driving lessons once in my life but I took them in London.

I was there for three months. To fill my days,

I thought I'd do something productive, learnt how to drive,

well, tried to learn how to drive.

Driving lesson in London, it's just you and a guy,

parked in a traffic jam.

After about ten minutes, you start saying,

"OK, mate, well, that's Radio 1, just press that in there.

"That's your cigarette lighter.

"Just give that a few seconds there, buddy.

"Don't know if you smoke but that should be good to go!

"Er, glove compartment, don't know if you wear gloves, mate,

"that's where to keep them, if your hands get a bit sweaty.

"OK, we're now going to reverse back 15 yards,

"we'll drop you home and we'll see you next Wednesday!"

That was as far as I got.

I was on a bus up here, about six months ago, and a guy got on,

he put his money in, the bus driver said, "How much is that?"

And the guy said, "It's £1.70, how?"

Now, in Glasgow, "how" means "why".

I don't know why that is.

But you don't say, "£1.70, why?" You say "£1.70, how?"

LAUGHTER

You don't ponder "Why?" You demand "How?"

He said "£1.70, how?"

And the driver said, "Well, it's £1.85 for a single,"

and the guy said, "It was £1.70 yesterday, ya fuckin' dick!"

LAUGHTER

Classic negotiation tactics!

LAUGHTER

But the driver held his nerve,

and he said, "Well, it's £1.85 today, ya fuckin' dick!"

LAUGHTER

It was good!

On public transport, you see a battle of the wits like this,

and the guy just lost it - he said, "£1.85?"

"I don't want to buy the fuckin' bus!"

LAUGHTER

He's doin' that sort of appealing for witnesses.

LAUGHTER

And it goes on, and the guy starts punching the bit of Perspex

to get to the driver,

and over years of taking the bus,

I have familiarised myself with the on-board safety instructions.

When a guy kicks off with the driver,

don't even look - just turn, look out the window,

stare at the chewing gum and go to a happy place.

LAUGHTER

Have a bit of me time.

"I wonder how many fishfingers I've got in the freezer."

LAUGHTER

"I'm pretty sure I seen there were three,

"like I need to stop eating odd numbers of fishfingers."

LAUGHTER

"That was inevitable, there would be three left,

"now what am I going to do with three fishfingers?

"That's not a lunch or a tea, that's just no-man's-land."

"I'm going to have to have one of them Tuesday night dinners,

"when you put a gammon steak

"and then just chuck the three fishfingers on as well."

LAUGHTER

It's a minging combo.

Wherever you go in your happy place,

you start to find that you get to know yourself.

I looked out the window, and there was a stationery shop.

I never knew I liked stationery until that minute.

I'm just looking going, "That's a great deal on rubbers, aye."

LAUGHTER

"When was the last time I rubbed something out?"

LAUGHTER

"I might go in there, buy their rubbers,

"I might buy a pencil, sharpener, a nice new pad, nice sharp pencil,

"write my name and then just rub it out."

LAUGHTER

By the time I'd come back in for a landing,

this situation had been resolved.

A Good Samaritan had put the extra money in

just to get the bus moving, and the guy was on, he'd made it.

Everybody's bracing themselves, "Where's he going to sit?"

It was quite a quiet bus, I'm just going, "Fuck, the guy's on,"

and it was then I realised

that I was sat in the seats that are designed for conversation.

You know the seats that face in opposite directions,

for people looking for stimulating debate

with like-minded folk on the world's big issues.

Speaker's Corner, that's where I was sat.

LAUGHTER

And the guy, he came in and sat right opposite me.

He never recognised me, oblivious to the fact

he was sittin' opposite Kev.i.n, he never...

LAUGHTER

And the bus, the bus is pulling away.

He's not in a happy place - he's looking at that stationery shop.

"I might go in and buy a pencil, sharpen it

"and stab him in the eye, the wanker!" LAUGHTER

The bus is going on, and he started talking to me.

He said, "Where are you going, mate?"

And I said, "I'm just going to meet my mate at the cinema."

And he said "I've no' been to the cinema...

"I've no' been to the cinema in fucking ages, right?"

And I said, "Oh, all right."

LAUGHTER

You're struggling for small talk, you need to keep it going,

you don't want him to think you're being ignorant, "Oh, all right."

And he said, "Did you ever see that movie Social Network?"

That's what he asked me, and I said, "Oh, the movie about Facebook?"

And he said, "Correct."

LAUGHTER

As if, "You survived that round."

LAUGHTER

He said, "That Mark Zuckerberg, he's worth billions, mate."

And I said, "Oh, I can imagine," and he said, "How?"

LAUGHTER

I said, "Well, he's the owner of Facebook,"

and he said, "Aye, but how does that make money, mate? It's free."

You don't laugh, the on-board safety instructions tell you, "Do not..."

LAUGHTER

"In order to avoid a punctured lung, keep your face firmly...

"..keep your face firmly on screensaver mode, just..."

LAUGHTER

He said, "If I was in charge of Facebook, mate,

"I'd be saying fucking quid a go!"

And it gave me a small sense of hometown pride

when I realised the guy was serious.

A small sense of hometown pride

that there must be very few places in the world

where Mark Zuckerberg would be offered financial advice

from a guy who was 15p short for a single for the bus.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for listening,

take care of yourselves, have a good weekend.

See you again sometime!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh! Thanks for waiting behind there, thank you.

Thanks for coming out and all that sort of stuff,

usual stuff there, thanks, much appreciated.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's been nice talking to you, we're going to...

We've got a special guest here, I don't know if you're pretty...

You might have a clue who that's going to be.

A guy, he's flew in all the way from the United States of America.

Chad!

For the DVD, a special guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's his first time in Glasgow.

Give it up, please, for Chad Hogan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SUSTAINED CHEERING

Good evening, Glasgow! Whoo!

CHEERING

Now how many of y'all having an empty tonight? I want to know!

More like getting an empty, it should be, right?

But, er...I've prepared a little like rap thing,

not really, but it's two lines, now...

-LAUGHTER

-I got it, calm down!

-Do you need a beat?

-HE BEATBOXES

Yeah, you got me?

In the club! In the club!

# Now, have you heard the news?

# There's party going round in Long Island for the weekend

# Chad Hogan's parents are out of town, do you know Chad Hogan?

# Everybody knows that man, I heard it's going to be crazy

# I heard he's hiring a band

# Now when I say "spring", you say "break"! #

-Spring!

-Break!

-Spring!

-Break!

Whoo! Spring Break! Whoo!

Chad Hogan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a guy! Ladies and gentlemen, take care of yourselves,

thanks for coming' out, see you next time!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Thank you!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd