Showtime

This programme contains strong language.

WHISTLING

TANNOY: Mr McIntyre.

LAUGHTER

'One minute to Showtime.'

Suit me up.

'Ladies and gentlemen!

'It's...Showtime!

'Please welcome Michael McIntyre!'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Good evening!

Hello!

Good evening, London, how are you? Are you all right?

CHEERING

Oh, yes.

What a year it has been, ladies and gentlemen.

2012, thank God I'm performing in this year.

This is the year that London became probably the greatest city on earth.

I don't know how long it's going to last.

This very room, ladies and gentlemen, this very room,

people won Olympic gold medals right here, in this room!

It was incredible.

We all got so patriotic, it became almost fever pitch.

I think it was summed up, the lovely moment

when Jessica Ennis was doing the long jump.

And she was there before she goes, and she did the clapping thing,

where she wants everybody, the whole stadium, come on...

No, don't you do it, I'm not going to high jump!

This isn't the Olympics now!

The whole crowd was like, "Yes, go on, Jessica, go on."

Everyone was in time.

People at home were probably going "Go on, Jess, you can do this.

"Team GB. Go on, Jessica, Team GB."

She was like, "I'm going to do it soon, I'm not going to do it yet.

"I'm going to do it in a minute. I've been training for four years. Is it now? It's not now.

"It could be now." "Go on, Jessica."

And she ran and she flew.

Probably jumped further than ever before

because of the weight of expectation and the excitement

and euphoria of the nation.

Then her major rival stepped up next, a woman from Lichtenstein,

who for some reason decided to do the same thing

to the British Olympic Stadium.

And everyone just went, "No.

"Team GB!"

It was an extraordinary time. And I got into all the sports.

I got into sports that, let's be honest, aren't really spectator sports.

I will never watch them again.

But I was obsessive over them because we were winning gold medals.

Like the dressage. Is that really a sport?

It's just a gay horse.

LAUGHTER

Even the person on the horse was like,

"It's not really a sport, it's just a gay horse. He came out last week."

All the horse ones were quite shit, if I'm honest.

But the equestrian centre was just around the corner here.

They were so posh.

It was strange seeing middle-aged, upper-class men winning gold medals,

because they were so uber sort of posh.

They have those lips, you know,

that sort of move independently of what they're saying.

They'll be saying one thing,

but their lips will be doing completely the opposite.

Thousands of years of inbreeding and, basically,

the lips have a life of their own at this point.

"Before I even wake up, the lips are moving.

"Morning!

"Sometimes I finish the sentence and the lips carry on without me."

I don't how they scored it.

Do you get more points the more you look like the horse?

Is that how they actually competed in the equestrian?

"Prrr! Somebody give me a carrot!"

Even Andy Murray won. That's when I knew something was up.

When Andy Murray... When Andy Murray caught the Team GB bug.

He hasn't even lost since. It's incredible.

I actually met Andy Murray once. I met him in a restaurant.

I don't know him. He was eating, I was eating. I saw him.

He was quite inconspicuous cos he was in his home clothes.

We've never seen him in his home clothes. You know, like a polo neck.

He was eating a plateful of normal food.

It's not like he was sitting in his kit,

a towel over his head, having a banana.

"I think that's Andy Murray on table four."

Asking for the napkin and just throwing it back.

Selecting potatoes.

"These two are fine, that one can piss off."

"I'm sure it's Andy Murray."

So I went over to his table. He was there with his girlfriend.

You've probably seen her, very pretty girl. He was sitting there.

There were two other people sitting there.

And I went opposite. I don't know him, I just thought I'd say hello.

I should have said, "Excuse me, sorry to bother you."

This is the classic way to interrupt people,

but I panicked. I just identified him.

I just went, "Andy Murray."

He stopped eating and went, "Michael McIntyre."

I said, "I love you, Andy Murray."

He said, "I love you, Michael McIntyre."

I said, "I saw you at Wimbledon." He's like, "I've got your DVD."

I said, "You're my favourite tennis player."

He said, "You're my favourite comedian."

Anyway, we kept exchanging more these compliments

and I looked over at girlfriend and she was doing this.

APPLAUSE

Tennis is fun.

And the umpire, seriously, what kind of a job is tennis umpiring?

Any baby could do that. They just sit in a high chair saying, "JUICE."

That's my favourite joke, glad you enjoyed it.

Let's be honest.

I think, personally, of all the heroes this year,

and there have been many, the Queen has surpassed herself.

CHEERING

That whole, "Good evening, Mr Bond." Are you kidding?

I actually met the Queen.

I got invited to a reception at Buckingham Palace.

I just went and shook her hand. It was an honour.

It was probably the most exciting post I have ever received,

when I got the invitation in the post.

Because mostly post is boring, you know, just bills and rubbish,

but this day, something seemed to be glowing in the pile.

I was like, "What on earth could this be?"

It was heavy when I picked up the envelope.

It sort of had silk woven into the fabric.

My name was written in fountain pen, calligraphy,

the M just went on for ever.

"This is just the most exciting post I've ever got!"

I turned it over, there was actually a seal on it. A red wax seal.

I was like, "Oh!

"I'm going to Hogwarts!" I was so excited!

"Children, daddy's a wizard!

"Go-to-bediarmus!"

So I opened it up, you know, with my finger.

That's what modern people like to do, we just rip it open. Rip.

Cos old people, they used to have little swords. I miss the swords.

Why don't we get swords? Old people had a little sword.

They would do battle with their post.

Old people's desks are hilarious.

Little mini swords, blotting paper, paperweights.

How windy are their houses? Why do they need paperweights?

So I opened it up, the envelope, which by the way,

I'm a big fan of as well, envelopes. You need an envelope.

I've never understood postcards. Why do people send postcards?

You know that everybody who can, will read your postcard. It's like public viewing.

Every time you send a postcard, it's a fact,

the postman is going to read your postcard.

That's why I always add a little mischievous comment to my postcards.

"Dear Dave, wish you were here.

"Still having those sexual fantasies about the postman? Ha-ha!"

LAUGHTER

I don't even know who writes anything any more.

I don't write anything. I don't know if I can write.

I type everything on a computer.

I don't think I can live without spell-check.

I tell you what's really bugging me at the moment.

It's people who have the same name

that is spelt completely differently.

I'm so sorry, for all of you people,

and I know there are many in this room tonight.

It is such an odd, unnecessary waste of your life.

Like Sarah, Sarah with an H or Sara without an H.

Sara without an H is pronounced like this.

"Sarah."

And with an H?

"Sarah."

But Sarah has to spend the whole of her life going,

"Sarah with an H, with an H. That's with an H."

"Sorry, is that with an H?"

"No, there's no H. Sorry, you put an H, there's actually no H."

What a waste of life.

Like Stewart with a W is pronounced like this, "Stuart."

Without a W, "Stuart."

What are we doing?

It's not like it's, "What's your name?"

"Stew-arrt."

"Stew...arrrt."

"And you are?"

"Stu-uart."

"Stu-uart."

"And this is my wife, Sarah-hhhh." "Oh!

"Stu-uart and Sarah-hhhh."

"Have you met Stu-uart? This is Stew-art.

"Come and meet the others.

"It's Steven and Step-hen. Do say hello.

"This is Stew-art, Stu-uart and Sarah-hhhh,

"Steven and Step-hen.

"Oh, if it isn't Jeff and Ge-off, join the party! Come on!

"Jeff and Ge-off and your wives, Jill and Gill.

"I forget who's with who.

"Jill is with Ge-off and Jeff is with Gill.

"This is Stu-uart, Stew-art, Steven, Step-hen and Sarah-hhhhh."

LAUGHTER

"Oh, if it isn't the three Seans.

"Do join the party, we've got 'Shoun', 'Seen' and 'Sha-oon'.

"Come on in!

"Shoun, Seen and Sha-oon, this is Stu-uart, Stew-art,"

"Steven, Step-hen, Jeff, Ge-off, Jill, Gill, and Sarah-hhhh."

What a waste of life!

APPLAUSE

Why bother?!

Just continue applauding

if you have one of these names that has comes into the little story.

You poor things, suffering.

-What's your name?

-Hannah.

-Hannah?

-With an H.

With an H? Yes.

Hannah with an H. Oh, at the end! Sorry!

I thought you'd been unnecessarily explaining

the spelling of your name.

It is like me going, "Michael, with an M."

Who else? What's your name?

-Wain. W-A-I-N.

-W...?

Everybody's laughing because...

(There's only one way to spell it.)

But, let's see what your parents decided to do.

-W...?

-..A-I-N.

..A-I-N?

That's... That's just a massive error. You need to change that.

Why would you do that? "Wain."

MICHAEL CHUCKLES

So I opened up the letter, right, you know, do you remember that?

This is now yesterday's post.

"Dear Michael. The Master..." I'm reading the letter now.

"Dear Michael, the Master of the Household."

That sounds very exciting. Who is this guy?

"The Master of the Household would like to invite you to

"Buckingham Palace to meet Her Majesty the Queen.

"RSVP, MasterOfTheHousehold @BuckinghamPalace.com."

Invited to Buckingham Palace. I e-mailed back almost immediately.

"Dear Master of the Household, I would love to meet the Queen.

"Thank you for your kind invitation." And then I signed it,

"Michael, Master of MY Household."

I have to say, I regretted it as soon as I sent it.

Why am I trying to be funny with the Master of Buckingham Palace?

It's obviously quite a serious person.

He's not going to e-mail me back, "LOL, can't wait to see you."

That's not going to happen.

What did I hope for? He was going to wake up the Queen?

"Wake up, Your Majesty,

"the most hilarious e-mail has just come through."

"Oh, get me my glasses."

HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER

"Philip, wake up, check this out."

"Oh, I love that Chinese comedian, he's such a hoot."

It's not going to happen.

She's got a good fake smile, the Queen.

A lot of fake smiling she has to do in life. It's honourable.

Cos I can't do that.

It's tough, isn't it, when someone says, "smile!"

When someone's taking a photo, "Smile!"

It's always annoying with digital cameras.

They take a photo of you, then they delete it in front of your face. It's really quite insulting.

They go, "That's terrible, can we try again?"

No, we can't try again. I've only got one face.

I'll be using this face for all the photos. Let's just take that one.

The one that really annoys me,

this has literally annoyed me since I was a toddler,

when people take a photo and they go, "Say cheese."

And everyone goes, "Cheeeese!"

Why are we behaving like that? That is not how people say cheese.

This is how people say cheese.

"Cheese."

What is wrong with all of us?

You're not in the supermarket with the trolley,

"Excuse me, mate, do you work here? I'm looking for the cheeeese."

"I think it's aisle four for cheeeese."

"Do you want salt and vinegar or cheeeese and onion?" Pathetic.

Here's some advice. I don't know if it's true.

It's more of a tip. My sister told me this.

Apparently, models who make a living out of looking good in photos,

they don't say cheese. They say, "prune." Prune. Prune.

Cos it makes them pout. Pruune.

Try it. I know you're dying to.

AUDIENCE: Pruuune.

Yes, you can feel it. Slightly awkward.

Obviously, I meant the women. It's a pouting thing.

All these blokes going, "Pruune.

"Yeah, I don't think I do pout enough in me photos."

"Prune!"

Yeah, models do that. They're very arrogant, aren't they, models.

I was watching one of those runway things the other day,

the way they walk. It is the most obnoxious walk I think I've ever seen anybody do.

They sort of thrust, "Check me out," you know.

Let's be honest, none of us

would ever have the arrogance to walk like that in public.

That's not actually strictly true. We all walk like that,

when we get a strike in tenpin bowling.

It's one of the oddest moments in life.

It doesn't matter who you are, you can be the hardest bloke on earth,

as you select the ball, walk down the lane in your normal walk.

Throw it down, do that leg thing for no reason at all.

If they all fall down, you're suddenly the campest man on earth.

"Well, who's the king of bowling, hey? Turns out, it's me! Boom!"

Complete personality shift.

In one strike.

I wouldn't remember that prune thing, if it wasn't for my wife.

She remembered it. She banked it, in her mind, to use it.

We went to one of these red-carpet things where

they have all these photographers.

She's got a new dress and everything.

She decided to bring out the prune.

But got it completely wrong. She said, "Plum."

Plum is a different fruit,

beginning with P and it ruined her face.

She looked like she was smelling something awful.

She was standing there going, "Plummmmm."

"Plummmmm."

There was like a whole bank of photographers.

I'm like, "What are you doing?"

"I'm doing that model thing, plum."

I said, "No, it's prune." Now I'm pouting.

There's actually a photo online of me going, "Pruuuune."

In her going, "I thought it was plummmm."

We don't go out very often.

But, when we do, it's a grand occasion.

Especially for her.

I marvel at all of you women, what you go through on a big night out.

Planning in advance, booking blow dries.

She does off for a blow-dry

and she comes back completely unrecognisable,

huge, big hair.

You get the nails done. Tanning, lots of tanning going on.

Not all of you are very good at it. I don't want to be mean.

But you have to tan your entire body.

That's an essential part of trying to convince people you've been abroad.

Some people sort of leave their feet.

You need to tan all the way over the feet.

People come up to them and go, "You look well, have you been away, somewhere nice?

"In your socks?"

But the spray tan is good. It actually works quite well.

My wife's done some spray tans. It's a very odd process though.

They spray her like a very dark mahogany.

A colour no human being has ever been, right?

And then you have to wait 24 hours.

And then you wash off the mahogany

and then she's a beautiful golden brown colour.

But this 24-hour period, it's difficult.

It's difficult for the whole family. Cos she stinks as well.

She's a kind of stinking, mahogany blow-dried woman walking around.

The children don't know who it is.

"Daddy, who dat stinky dark lady downstairs?"

"That's your mother." "Dat not Mummy.

"I don't like that lady. She smells.

"Dark lady smells. Mahogany mummy, I don't like her.

"Please, I don't want her read me story."

It's terrible cos it comes off in like... She'll stain.

She'll touch soft furnishings and clothing

and literally leave brown stains on them.

And it's led to literally the most distressing mornings

of my entire life.

You know when you wake up in the morning

and you haven't yet adjusted to the day.

I sort of look over and...

"Oh, she's shat the bed."

HE GAGS

Jesus.

If I'm honest, that is probably not the first thing I think.

The first thing I do is confirm it's not me. "OK.

-"There's none on my side.

-HE MOUTHS

"Darling, wake up, look at me.

"I'm just going to come straight out with this cos it's bad, OK?

"You're very sick. You're a very sick woman.

"I'm so sorry, we can't go out tonight.

"You've done a shit in your sleep, it's everywhere.

"It's even under your face. I'm not even sure how that has happened."

The children are coming in.

"Mahogany mummy did a poo in the bed!"

"Just get out, get out, get out and close the door!"

But of course, then she washes it off

and she's a beautiful golden brown,

to go with the blow-dry. Pow! And the nails. Yah!

That's before she's even got dressed yet.

Women getting dressed is an extraordinary procedure.

She needs privacy. "I'm getting ready now, leave me alone."

But men never want to leave women alone when they're getting dressed.

When there's some kind of nakedness involved,

we will always be lingering, lurking.

It is the privilege of every husband and boyfriend.

I'm always lurking when my wife's getting dressed.

Lying in bed, looking at the laptop but just leaning across.

Cos it's fun. It's fun to watch a girl getting dressed.

Not all of it. I'm not going to lie to you.

There are aspects of a woman getting dressed

that have decidedly mixed results.

Tights, for example, is a very 50-50 affair.

The first half is quite, I would say, almost erotic.

A very enjoyable spectator sport.

The lower leg, let's focus on the lower leg for now.

Sort of pointed toe, delicately scrunch up the tight,

glide it neatly over the lower leg. Lovely. Glide it over the other one.

Marvellous.

But once the tights reach the halfway point...

This is where I suggest you leave the room, OK?

Cos some shit goes on after that.

Sometimes she'd just tug at her crotch for like half an hour.

"Arrgh. Eurgh."

And just when you think it's over, she carries on. "Whoa! Whoa!

"Jesus, what are we doing up here now?"

She starts walking around like a baby taking their first steps.

Sometimes, she looks in the mirror and goes, "No, these aren't right."

Don't do it again!

Mixed results.

Like high heels as well. Amazing when stationary.

Sometimes she'll just stand there, "What you think of these new shoes?

"They're nice, aren't they?" "Oh, my God, those shoes are incredible."

"I just bought them. They're really nice, I really like them."

"Seriously, you look incredible in those shoes.

"I can't believe you married me. You're gorgeous. Come to me.

"Come to your husband."

"All right.

"OK, I've got it, I've got it."

"You know what? I'll come to you. Let's not spoil this."

Jesus Christ.

Mixed results.

That's before we've even got to the face. Incredible.

Women don't have to use the face they've been given.

I'm so envious of that. They sit and look in the mirror and go,

"No-one's going to be meeting this person.

"I'll be using these products to create a completely new identity."

Men don't have that luxury.

There's nothing more depressing than a man

looking in the mirror before he's going out at night.

"Well, that's it.

"Aagh!"

"I'm ready. Come on, darling. Can we go?" That's all we do, basically.

Hair management. That's our focus. We just hope hair stays on our head.

We hope it doesn't start popping out of our nose and our ears.

Human beings have a very odd relationship with hair.

Some hair we like on our body, others we find disgusting.

I think the oddest relationship with any hair on the human body,

in my opinion, has to be the eyelash.

I just don't understand eyelashes.

Why have we decided that eyelashes are magic?

They can change the future.

It's one of the most peculiar scenarios when somebody goes,

"Shh, don't move, don't move your face, stay still."

"What, what is it? What's on it?"

"Ssh, just stay completely still. Easy, careful...

"Eyelash."

"Oh. Thank you."

"Well, go on, then, make a wish."

Some people actually think about it. "Um, er...

"What do I need? OK, OK."

"Don't tell me." "I won't.

"Thank you." "Thank YOU."

What on earth is that all about?

Who decided that certain hair that falls off your body

can change destiny?

And why is it that hair anyway? It could be any hair.

You could be standing at the urinals going, "Excuse me, mate, don't move."

"What? Do I know you geezer?" "Ssh! Stay still. Easy, easy.

"Stay completely still."

"Pube." "Oh, cheers, mate, yeah."

"Well, go on, then make a wish."

"Er..."

"Try again."

"Try and ease it off in the blower. Stay there, mate."

I'm making a point.

It's illogical.

There's nothing men can do. There's nothing I can do.

It lends itself to laziness.

I can't speak for other men but I have become so incredibly lazy.

I'm in a long-term relationship now.

I've been with my wife a long time.

And I sort of do what I can get away with. The minimum. I do the minimum.

And I thought I was getting away with it. Until the other day.

She had a word. It was quite frightening.

It had obviously been like a build-up and I didn't see it coming.

She came up to me, "Michael, Michael."

Her eyes looked different.

"No, no, no."

"Can I have a word, please?"

"Um, OK, what is it? OK."

She said, "Michael, if you open one more milk...

"..when there's already a milk open,

"so help me, God, I'm going to divorce you."

"Really? We're this close to the edge over milk?"

"Yes, it's just a build-up. You just don't listen to me.

"I have asked you so many times and it's really winding me up.

"Why don't you do what I ask you?"

"I'm sorry, I just consider that there's an amount of milk

"in the house and you know, that level goes down as a whole."

"No, it doesn't go down as a whole. Just do as I ask you.

"Take the bottle that's already open. It really upsets me.

"Will you do that for me?"

"Yes, of course I will. Is there anything else?"

I should never have said that.

Why didn't I leave it there?

She said, "Yes, there are few things, now that you ask,

"that I don't understand, Michael, I don't understand about you."

"Well, what is it?"

"Sometimes, you do help -

"sometimes you put your dirty laundry in the basket

"and I'm grateful for that, thank you.

"But why, occasionally, do you just leave it near the basket?

"You need to put it IN the basket to help me.

"Why would you sometimes NOT help me and put it NEAR the basket.

"I just don't understand. Why is that, Michael?!"

"Cos I'm throwing it in.

"Sometimes I miss."

"Why then don't you go back and pick it up?"

"I do, I often go back and pick it up.

"Then I try again.

"Sometimes I'll do that for half an hour.

"I'm sorry, I won't do that again."

"Well, you'd better not cos it's really pissing me off.

"There's a few more things as well.

"Do you know that sometimes when you finish a packet of biscuits,

"you put the empty packet back in the cupboard?

"Why on earth would you do that?!"

"I didn't think you knew that was me."

"Who else is it going to be?

"And will you, please, Michael, I've literally...

"I know that I, for a fact, asked you this 100,000 times

"since we've been together,

"please will you put your plate in the dishwasher, not next to it.

"Because, next to it, I know you think you're helping,

"but you're not helping, cos it gets cleaned when it's in it,

"not next to it. Do you understand that?"

"Sorry, darling, I do always help, every time I finish my food,

"I always drop it off in the zone of the dishwasher."

"In the zone isn't helping me.

"You might as well put it in the fucking garden.

"It doesn't get cleaned in the garden

"and it doesn't get cleaned NEXT to the dishwasher.

"It gets cleaned IN the dishwasher. Do you understand? Why can't you understand that concept?

"When I unload the shopping, do I unload it next to the fridge,

"hoping someone's going to finish the job for me? No.

"When I cook the Sunday lunch, do I put the chicken next to the often?

"No, I put it IN THE OVEN!

"When I take the children to school, do we sit on the pavement next to the car?

"No, we get IN THE CAR!

"The only thing you clean in this house on a regular basis

"is your internet history and it's disgusting."

APPLAUSE

Cos we are in a long-term relationship.

13 years we've been together. You know, we're deliriously happy.

There are people here in long-term relationships.

There are people here in new relationships, people not in relationships.

I suppose what I'm asking is how do you know you're in a long-term relationship?

How do you know you can start terming your relationship as long-term?

I think, if you're interested,

I've actually pinpointed the exact moment

when a relationship goes long-term.

I think it's when, before sex,

you no longer take each other's clothes off,

but you take your own clothes off independently.

Cos you realise it is more practical and less time-consuming.

Cos in a new relationship, obviously,

you're filled with romance and passion,

lots of fiddling with bra straps and belts and ripping.

And then, one night, you don't even discuss it,

you'll just find yourself independently lying adjacent to one another

and slowly taking your clothes off.

Obviously, once you've established sex is on.

That's normally just a hopeful look towards her.

Or she'll do something sensationally erotic,

like mute the television.

"Ohhh! We were watching that.

"That can only mean one thing, yay!"

And then you just slowly take your clothes off.

She'll be there doing all her business.

Socks off, obviously, if it's a special occasion.

Confirm you're both entirely naked.

"Right. Let's begin."

And then you are in. Long-term relationship has begun!

And there's no going back. It's the same for afterwards as well.

In a new relationship after sex,

you remain naked for some period of time. Everything is new.

The covers off you, "Look at me, naked.

"I'm so comfortable to be naked with you."

Walking around completely naked,

"Look at me, completely naked "in my new relationship with you.

"I'm hungry, let's go downstairs naked.

"Look at me looking in the fridge with my chilly balls

"and my new relationship."

In a long-term relationship, literally,

the microsecond that it ends, you reassemble.

Everything goes back to where it was.

The book comes back out, the glasses are back on,

the laptop reopens, the television is unmuted.

It's like a magic trick. I don't know how couples do it.

Somebody could come into a room, survey the scene,

walk-out for three, maybe 3 1/2 minutes, walk back in,

the same scene would greet them.

How is that even possible?

But you have to be careful. in a long-term relationship.

You have to respect women because they're so different. You can take them for granted.

She'll have a word, she'll say, you know, "Michael,

"you've got to be a bit more romantic with me, you know?

"We've been together a long time now, you've got to make a bit of effort sometimes.

"Be a bit more romantic cos I'm a woman. I'm a woman.

"I've been doing some reading as well, recently.

"I've read three books."

"And I'm a woman.

"And I need to be seduced."

This is very difficult for men to understand,

because men don't need to be seduced.

We can seduce ourselves when we're not even conscious.

Often, we just wake up in the morning and just, "Oh."

LAUGHTER

"I appear to have fully seduced myself during the night.

"Bonus!

"Darling, I'm up for it, if you're up for it."

"I'm asleep, what are you talking about? Piss off!"

"Oh. I think you've shat the bed anyway, let's leave it."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Spontaneity. Women love spontaneity.

I just don't think men really know what it means.

"Got to be a bit more spontaneous, you know.

"Just be spontaneous once in awhile. Surprise me with something.

"Be spontaneous!" Men don't really know what that means.

We think it means do something when she least expects it.

That's all we've really come up with.

Sometimes she'll be bending down loading the dishwasher...

I just sort of catch her in the corner of my eye.

"Oh, yeah, hello! Shag in. 'Ello."

"Michael, what are you doing? I'm busy!"

"I'm being spontaneous."

"No, piss off!"

"Sorry, I don't know what's wrong with you.

"You wanted me to be spontaneous.

"I was reading the paper, then I tried to have sex with you.

"It's the definition of spontaneous. I can't win."

Once, I actually knocked her in by accident.

"Ow! Shit!"

"Jesus! Oh, Christ!

"There's a spoon in my eye!

"What the hell were you doing?!"

"Sorry, darling, I was trying to be spontaneous."

"Spontaneously nearly took my eye out, you idiot!

"You're such a dickhead.

"Oh, my God, I've got pasta in my hair.

"There's peas on my forehead!

"Such a twat!

"I wouldn't be here if you'd put your plate

"in the fucking dishwasher and not next to it!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've got two children, Lucas and Oscar, Lucas with a "C".

They like Where's Wally, I don't know why, it's very boring.

Wally's basically a little person in a stripy top

and you have to find him in a crowded scene full of people

in stripy tops, but there's only one Wally.

It sounds boring, but my kids love looking for him.

It's great for my wife and I cos we can just open the book

and go, "You look for Wally,

"while we go and look for a life we left behind before we had you."

Then they just go, "Found him!"

We just turn the page, "Good, find another one. Come on!"

I have done something which I feel amazingly guilty about,

and I don't want you to judge me by this, but I think it highlights,

you know, how stressful and tired you can become as parents.

I coloured Wally in. Is that bad?

There's no Wally.

They've been looking for 11 days.

My wife and I went to Venice last weekend.

We needed the break!

I'm playing a great game with my children at the moment,

a game I'm immensely proud of

because they're loving it and I invented it.

I'm the inventor of this game.

It's called Pants Down, You're The Loser.

Now, the rules of the game are much like the title suggests.

I basically chase my children round the house

and, if I manage to pull their pants down,

they are declared the loser of the game.

But the real beauty in the playing of this game

is we don't plan on it, it's not like I say,

"This Sunday, who's up for a game of Pants Down, kids?"

"Before dinner shall we squeeze in some Pants Down?"

None of that shit.

Any time, day or night,

I'll just go, "PANTS DOWN! YOU'RE THE LOSER!"

And they go nuts.

They do this run where they don't know which way to go.

"Daddyyy! No! No!"

They sort of thrust their arse away from me - "No! Daddy!"

HE GROANS

I try to catch them off guard.

We'll sit down for dinner at the end of the day,

my wife will say, "Have you had a good day, children?"

And I'll just go, "PANTS DOWN!" The food goes everywhere...

"No!" ..they've still got their cutlery.

"No, Daddy! Daddy, no!!"

I did it once in the middle of the night.

My wife nearly killed me, but it was worth it. It was hysterical.

I got up to pee, I was like, "PANTS DOWN!"

They're up in their pyjamas in the dark...

"Daddy?"

"Daddy, where are you?"

-SOBBING:

-"Daddy! Daddy?"

I think they collided with each other in the corridor.

I did it when they were in the bath,

they had no idea what I was talking about.

"I don't understand!"

It's nice to have something up your sleeve, you know?

I'll be walking up the stairs, I just go behind them,

"Pants down!"

"ARGH!"

Please don't think - this is very important to me -

that I play this game to the best of my ability.

I never actually pull their pants down, it's just the threat of it.

It's not like I go, "PANTS DOWN!

"Game over.

"A couple of naked losers."

"Go and look for Wally, you're embarrassing yourselves. Pathetic."

But the key to parenting, and you'll know this if you're a parent,

or you can remember being a child, basically, don't lose your children.

They're little, they try to escape

and don't know the dangers of the world.

So I will repeat myself all day, every day.

"Stay close to me, stay where I can see you, hold my hand, don't run off."

Sometimes you lose them, they go from here, to here

and you literally nearly have a heart attack.

PANICKY SOBBING

"AARGH!

"WHERE DID YOU GO!?

"I TOLD YOU TO BE THERE!"

This is why I don't understand hide and seek.

Who invented it? This is the stupidest game imaginable.

It revolves around losing your children.

Why would you ever want to lose your children?

It's dangerous, there's dangers out there.

I always cheat, OK? It's a big facade when I play hide and seek,

I'm not going to let my children hide, even in my own house.

There's danger - they could hide in the tumble dryer, they could dry themselves to death.

While I'm searching like an idiot, "Are you under the table?"

No, they're in the tumble dryer! I'm not having that.

They could just leave home, get their passports.

"I'm going to win this game. Taxi!"

No, I'm not risking that.

So I cheat, I always know exactly where they are.

Seven...eight...nine...

I see where they go, they go behind the curtains.

I see their little feet sticking out the bottom, they're safe.

They're behind the curtains. I fake the whole thing.

"Are you under the table? No."

I know where they are, they're behind the curtains.

"In the cardboard? No." They're behind the curtains, OK?

I'm faking the whole thing. "Are you in my wallet? No."

You can hear them giggling, "Hee-hee!"

They're behind the curtains.

And sooner or later I go, "Are you behind the curtains? Yay!

"Whose turn is it?" They come running out.

The other day we played this - I've no idea how they did it -

they outwitted me.

They weren't there, it was horrific.

I was like, "Are you under the table? No.

"Are you behind the curtains?

"WHERE ARE YOU?!

"This is no longer a game! Come to Daddy now!"

I couldn't find them, for about half an hour.

My wife and I were beside ourselves, frantic.

After 20 minutes, she seriously suggested to me

that we phoned the police, this is how mad it was.

This would have been one of the most embarrassing recorded

telephone conversations in history.

"Hello? Hello, is that the police?

"I'd like to report two missing children, please.

"Please, can you help me?"

"Just calm down, Sir, where did you last see them?"

"I was on the landing, I counted to ten...

"..then they just disappeared.

"Please, I don't know where they are."

"Were you playing hide and seek?"

"Yes, but that's not the point. The point is I lost them. You've got to send someone.

"I love my children so much, my God, they're missing!"

"I think they've won."

"Of course they've fucking won, you idiot! You're not listening to me!"

LAUGHTER

What am I supposed to do? But I hope I'm a good father.

I mean I am falling apart.

I've hurt myself a lot this year, don't feel sorry for me.

I tore my calf.

I've had an operation on my knee, I dislocated my shoulder last year.

I actually saw the same guy for my knee and shoulder, I didn't expect to.

A specialist, very good doctor, I can recommend him.

He helped my shoulder.

Then I went to the hospital with my knee and I opened the door,

it's the same guy behind the desk. "Hello."

"Oh, I know you. I know you."

He said, "Yes, how's your shoulder?"

"It's good. Really good, thank you.

"You really helped there, it feels fine.

"But I'm here for my knee, I've hurt my knee.

"Have I come to the wrong room?" He said, "No, no.

"I do shoulders and knees."

Obviously, as you can appreciate, in these circumstances

it's very difficult not to say...

"And toes?"

LAUGHTER

But he hadn't heard the rhyme!

What kind of a lunatic...?

What kind of person...?! I thought everyone knew the rhyme!

He just went, "No."

LAUGHTER

"I'm shoulders and knees."

"Knees and toes?" "No, I don't do toes.

"Do you have a problem with your toes?

"I could recommend someone, a toe specialist?"

"No, I was wondering - you do shoulders and knees,

"do you do knees and toes?" "No, I don't do toes."

"What about heads?" "Why would I do heads?

"There's no joints in the head, I'm a joint specialist.

"I do shoulders and knees." "Knees and toes." "I don't do toes!"

"What about eyes and ears and mouth and nose?"

"How many things are wrong with you?!

"I do shoulders and knees!" "Knees and toes." "GET OUT!"

I've also had five teeth out this year. OK?

That's bad, I know.

Four wisdom teeth, and another tooth I had to have out

because I've had terrible trouble with my teeth.

It all started last year, I had this pain in my tooth.

Last year I was fine, my knee was fine,

my calf was fine, my shoulder was fine, I was in pretty good nick.

Then I had this pain in my tooth and I went to the dentist,

as you do, opened my mouth - which is key.

Obviously, you have to wait to be asked!

You don't just walk in - "Haaaah?"

So I sat in the chair and he looked in my mouth and said,

"You've got a rotting wisdom tooth. I've got to take it out."

And I didn't really mind, I didn't even know I had wisdom teeth.

I know my wife's had them out,

so I'm like, "Yeah, fine, whatever you like."

Also, there's a TV there, I'm watching This Morning,

watching Phillip Schofield chatting away, "Yeah, go for your life."

So he just got to work and I just lay there,

and I was there for a while. Maybe an hour, maybe more.

I thought, "I've been here ages."

So I flicked my eyes over to see if the dentist was OK, and he wasn't.

Oh, my God, he was quite stressed.

Sort of sweat coming off his forehead,

he was straining like this - "Urrrr!"

So I tried to ask him if he was OK, which is hard

when your mouth is completely numb, and he had equipment in it.

It came out as one sort of sound - "AOO-OO-AY?"

LAUGHTER

"AOO-OO-AY?"

Just one noise.

Like a Northern Irishman saying "mirror".

That's an odd moment - "Merrrr."

"I was looking in the merrrrr."

They're not even in the dentist, I don't know what's going on there.

I was like, "AOO-OO-OH-AY?"

And he pulled back and went, "No, no."

-SOBBING:

-"No, I'm not OK. I'm not OK at all."

I thought it was something personal.

I was like...

-SLURRING:

-"Oh, my God.

"Dell me what de matter ith.

"You poor thing."

He said, "I've been a dentist for 30 years..."

"Congratulathionth, that'th exthellent.

"Exthellent career, really, well done."

"..and I've never not been able to get somebody's tooth out.

-SOBBING:

-"I can't get your tooth out. It's stuck."

-SLURRING:

-"OK, look, you need to calm yourthelf down.

"I am in no rush, OK?

"I'm not in any pain whatthoever, I've got nowhere to be,

"I'm watching Thith Morning, I'm abtholutely completely fine.

"Go away, have a cup of tea,

"chill out, come back, try again.

"I believe in you."

He said, "The reason you don't feel any pain

"is I've numbed your mouth, OK? Look."

And he passed me a mirror.

I'm not going to lie to you, till the day I die,

I will never forget the image that greeted me in the reflection, OK?

This side of my face was literally twice the size of this side.

There was bruising, I hadn't even noticed,

my bib was covered in blood already. I didn't even see it.

There was blood dripping out the side of my face

like a sort of vampire, my eye was sort of closing.

I was like, "What the thuck have you done to me?!"

He said, "That's what I was trying to tell you.

"We've got to get you out of here and get you to hospital. Follow me!"

And he ran out of the room!

I just followed on behind him.

"Hello? Excuthe me? Hello?!"

I have to say, I felt particularly sorry,

the poor people in the waiting room, you know,

they're sitting there with the fish tank, reading old magazines,

reassuring their children

everything was going to be fine at the dentist visit.

I come out with bruising, blood all over my bib,

blood coming out of the side of my mouth.

"Excuthe me?

"Hath anybody theen the dentitht?"

They were like, "OK, children, you were right. Come with Mummy.

"Come on, come with Mummy now. Come on!"

I turn round to that idiot on reception, some woman there.

She was like, "Would you like to book an appointment with the hygienist?"

"The hydienitht?!

"I need a thucking plathtic thurgeon!

"Where'th my dentitht gone?"

I look out the door, this idiot is in his car.

He's in his car with the door open. He's still got his gloves on.

He's going, "Get in!" Get in!"

"Are you theriouth?"

"Just get in!"

"All right, all right!" So I get in the car with this man.

He starts hurtling through the streets.

Literally ten minutes earlier, I was in the dentist's chair

in relative comfort, watching This Morning,

now we're driving through traffic. He's hooting and...

My wife called me up on the phone, and I went, "Hello? Hello?"

"Hello, darling. Are you still at the dentist?"

"I'm WITH the dentitht."

"You mean you're AT the dentist?"

"I'm not AT dentitht.

"I'm WITH dentitht."

"You mean you're AT the dentist?"

"No, I'm not AT the dentitht.

"I'm WITH the dentitht."

"Why are you being so pedantic?"

"I'm not being...pan-dan-dan..."

LAUGHTER

"I'm in the car."

"Oh, you're on your way home?"

"I don't know where I'm going."

"Michael, what IS wrong with you?"

"The dentitht ith driding."

"The dentist is riding?"

"No, he'th WRIDING."

"He's writing?"

"The dentitht ith dwithing!"

"The dentist is rising?"

"The dentitht ith dwiding!"

"The dentist is writhing?" "I'll call you wayter!"

"You're calling a waiter? You're having lunch with the dentist?"

"Leave it!"

Finally, we show up at this door. He's like, "You see that door?" I'm like, "Yeah?"

"Go in there, that's a hospital, they'll treat you, you'll be fine.

"They're expecting you. Just tell them your name.

"Everything will be fine. Just get out. Get out!"

So I get out of his car, and he just drives off and leaves me,

and I'm standing on the pavement, right?

I've still got the blood-soaked bib on. I'm standing there,

I saw my reflection in the glass. I have to say, I looked horrific.

I was worried I was going to startle the receptionist,

so I came in at my best angle.

"Ah-da-da-da...

"Ah-da-da-da-da..."

"Hello, sir. Can I help you?"

-"Yes, I was wondering..."

-HE SHRIEKS

She was like, "Oh, my God!

"Oh, my God! Have you been attacked?"

I was like, "No, I hathen't been attacked.

"I don't go out in a bib, expecting athault.

"I haven't been attacked tho many times

"I now wear abthorbent clothing.

"Apparently, you're expecting me."

She said, "OK, sir, can I take your name, please?"

The problem is, if you've had a local anaesthetic, you can't move your lips.

I had no control of my lips, and you need that for certain letters of the alphabet.

The M, for example, greatly requires lip work. Muh!

And I couldn't do that. I need that to identify myself.

So she was like, "Can I take your name, please?"

"Yes...Ackle Ackincacker."

"Ackle Ackincacker?"

"No! Ackle Agingager."

"Ackle Agingager?"

"No! Watch my lips!"

LAUGHTER

"M...M...A-rah-rah-rah-rah.

"Maaaa-kul...

"Ma-ma-ma-kur."

"Right, OK, the best thing for you to do,

"if you head down the corridor, sit in the waiting room,

"and we'll get the bottom of this."

I'm not going to lie to you, I was quite pissed off she didn't recognise me, OK?

I've done quite a lot of television.

I know that this side of my face was pretty much unrecognisable,

but this side was fine.

I tried to jog her memory as I went down the corridor.

"Unbewievable!"

She never even looked round.

So I get into the waiting room now,

and the anaesthetic starts to wear off,

and I start to feel a bit... you know, it hurts a bit now,

and I start making this low, sort of ET sound on my own in the corner.

HE GURGLES AND MOANS

"Elliott? Elliott?"

I'm trying to be nice, trying to look at other people in there.

HE GURGLES AND MOANS

Thankfully, I think for everybody, the nurse came in quite quickly.

"Ackle Ackincacker?"

I didn't respond. I just sat there.

HE GURGLES AND MOANS

She came right up to my face. "Excuse me?"

"Huh?"

"Are you Ackle Ackincacker?"

"No."

HE GURGLES AND MOANS

"So, what is your name?"

"Ackle Ackincacker."

LAUGHTER

"Oh, yeah, that ith actually me! Thorry, chaps.

"My weal name, obviouthly, is Ackle Ackincacker.

"But here, they know me as Ackle Ackincacker.

"I'm a co-MEH-dian."

So they take me up to this private room,

and she's really nice to me now.

She's like, "Oh, my God, you've had a terrible day, haven't you?

"I have! I've had a real horrible day.

"Pleathe, are you gon' to help me?"

She was like, "Yes, don't worry. We do this all the time.

"We'll give you a general anaesthetic,

"take your tooth out, everything is going to be fine.

"Take all your clothes off and pop this hospital gown on,

"we'll take you straight through to surgery."

"Thorry, all my clothes off?"

"Take all your clothes off, pop the gown on and we'll take you through."

"Why do I have to take my clothes off?

"All the patients have to wear the hospital gown. That's hospital policy."

"Yeth, but you don't theem to underthtand the thituation.

"I've got a problem with my tooth.

"Which is located in my mouth.

"I don't have a tooth embedded in my arthe.

"Tho can I wear my own clothes?"

But, no. You know what it's like if you've been to hospital.

They humiliate you for no reason at all.

You have to put this sort of piece of shit floral, thin gown on,

the WRONG WAY ROUND, with your arse hanging out.

I had to go into the loo with this gown

with literally my bare bottom hanging out the back,

and you put this on for no reason.

Everyone in the hospital has their clothes on the right way round.

You have to put it on like that. I came out...

"Thatisfied?"

She was like, "Yes, that's perfect."

"Thuck off, it's perfect!

"I've got a tooth hanging out, and now I've got my bum out.

"There no reason why I have to have my bum out.

"It'th disgratheful, it'th dethpicable,

"it'th deplorable, it'th abhorrent.

"What on earth are you going to do to me

"under general anaeththetic that requires acceth to my arthe?

"Answer me!

"There will be repercuthions!"

"There'll be what?"

"Repercuthions!"

"Don't take that tone with me, Mr Ackincacker."

"For the latht time, my name...

"ith Ackincacker!"

Now, I have to follow this woman down the corridor,

and there is no way I'm going to walk down a hospital corridor

with my arse just flapping away here,

so people just happen to be behind me, looking at my arse.

No, that is not going to happen. So I go down the wall like this.

"Unbelievable! There's no reathon

"why I have to have my bum out. Why have I got my bum out?"

Somebody was doing the same thing towards me.

"All right, quickly...eathy! Thank you. Cheers, mate. Good luck."

Finally, they lie me down on a hospital bed, and I'm thrilled now,

because my arse is concealed. I'm happy.

The anaesthetist comes in, a very serious sort of quite old man.

"Hello. I'm the anaesthetist.

"I'm going to give you a general anaesthetic.

"I'm going to knock you out.

"I'm going to give you a small prick in your left arm.

"You're going to be knocked out immediately.

"Are you OK with that, Michael?"

-I'm like...

-HE GASPS

"Ackle!

"That'th my name!"

He said, "Yes, I know exactly who you are.

"My three daughters are big fans of yours."

"Oh, that'th very kind. Thank you, thank you."

Then he put the needle in my arm, and he went,

"My wife and I, not so keen." And put me out!

-LAUGHTER

-After the day I'd had!

I was like, "You mother...!"

I woke up I don't know how many hours later,

I didn't know where I was.

Sometimes I wake up at home in a deep sleep

and I don't know where I am.

This was the deepest sleep I've ever had, it was a general anaesthetic.

I woke up, it was in bed, it was bright, it was hot.

I'd come out of the covers. Like, in a heat wave, you come out.

When your arse is like your highest point.

You've come out of the duvet.

You know you're lying down,

at some stage during the night,

the duvet sort of tucks in and you just sort of roll out like this.

So, I wake up.

And, within moments, I feel this breeze coming in the back.

LAUGHTER

So I turn round to see

my entire family standing there.

At which point, my son said,

"Pants down, you're the loser."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, what fun we've had here tonight!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! Bravo!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Thank you! Thank you all!

Good night! Bravo!

Good night!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

LOUD CHEERING

HE LAUGHS

Thank you!

Um, first of all, I'd like to say

thank you to all of you for being here tonight,

for coming to see my show. I mean, I depend on you.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Without you, I'm nothing.

I enjoy this more than anything. Thank you so much.

Because, if you knew what my life entails, you'd realise how,

you know, how much this is the best part of my day.

I basically sit and wait. I've been touring round the country for ages.

It's great to be home. I live in London, obviously,

and I've been in hotels all the time. Endless hotels.

Hotels, you think they're fun, but a lot of them are quite...

a lot of shit hotels.

I had literally the most probably embarrassing experience I've ever had

the other day, when I was checking into this hotel.

There was this woman on reception, quite cute. Very cute, actually.

Sort of eyelashes... seemed to be flirting with me.

It was quite weird.

I came in, and she was like, "Hello! Hello!"

-HE GIGGLES GIRLISHLY

-"Hello!"

Oh, my God! She had an accent. I don't know where she was from.

She was from somewhere ELSE. "Hello!"

I came in with all my bags, and she was like,

"Hello, are you checking in?"

It's always an odd question,

when you walk into a hotel for the first time with all your bags.

"No, I'm pole vaulting. Is this wrong?"

"Ha-ha! You're so funny!

"Can I take your name, please? Can I take your name?"

I was like, "Yes, it's McIntyre."

"McIntyre...Michael? Michael?"

"Yes, Michael McIntyre."

"OK. You're with us for just the one night?"

"Yes, I'm just with you for one night. Not with YOU!

"You understand, I mean the hotel.

"Ha-ha! You're so funny!"

"Would you like newspaper in the morning? Would you like newspaper?"

I was like, "No, thank you. I'll be fine. Fine without, thank you."

"Would you like wake-up call? Would you like wake-up call?"

"No, don't phone me, I'll be fine. Thank you."

Then she asked me, which I suppose is a normal question,

cos it was just me for the one night, how many keys I wanted for the room.

And she went, "Do you want wan-key?"

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What did you say?

"Do you want wan-key?"

"Do I want wanky?!"

"Yes, I can give you wan-key if you want."

LAUGHTER

"Is that included in the wake-up call?

"Because I might actually go for that."

Not that they give you a key, anyway.

Keys work fine. We all have keys,

we'll go home and use a key to get into our home.

But in hotels, they give you these key cards,

these pieces of plastic that work 50% of the time.

You go all the way to the room,

it goes from red to red, red to red...

Sometimes I spend my whole stay there,

cos I don't want to go back to reception. Red, red...

Sometimes it goes green and you get your bags,

and it's red again. "Just let me in!"

I always come in and have a little peruse of my new home.

What's it going to be like? Walk around...

Certain aspects of hotel rooms greatly depress me.

Tea and coffee making facilities.

That's a bit of a low point, isn't it? You know, sort of...

-IN WEEDY VOICE:

-Tea and coffee making facilities

with your mini kettle.

It's one of the very boring moments in life

when you have to take your mini kettle into the bathroom.

You should never fill a kettle in a bathroom.

You take it in there, you put it under the tap, right?

Fill it up entirely with water, then to get it out,

you have to empty all the water and take the kettle out.

You fill up the whole kettle, empty the entire kettle, take kettle out.

I'll go through that for, like, half an hour.

Then I have to turn to the bath. It's a very depressing situation.

And those mini milks. What is with those little UHT milks?

It looks like a magic trick.

It doesn't matter how many UHT milks you put into a coffee,

it will never change colour.

You can see the white fluid landing in the coffee

and then just disappearing. What's happened?

I've just used 13 mini milks, and I've still got a black coffee.

The liquid isn't even rising. How is that even possible?!

But the biscuit is really rather thrilling, cos it's free.

I eat the biscuit as soon as I see it.

I don't know why I get so attracted to a free biscuit.

Shortbread - I don't even eat shortbread at home.

If I walk into a hotel and there's shortbread...

HE GOBBLES ENTHUSIASTICALLY

"Yummy shortbread!"

Just drop the wrapper.

I'm not at home now. Yeah!

LAUGHTER

Opening drawers at random. Empty...

And I check them all.

There's never anything in them. Empty, empty, empty.

There's a Bible next to the bed,

so you can pray for an upgrade. Thanks for your help(!)

Oh, and can I just ask, while I have you all here,

who, at home on their beds, by way of applause, has a duvet?

Duvet people, reveal yourselves!

-LOUD CHEERING

-Duvet people!

This is much what I expected.

Who doesn't have a duvet?

SPARSE CHEERS

One person. OK?

So what I want to know is,

why literally in every hotel room I stay in,

am I strapped into sheets?!

LAUGHTER

Sometimes with a brown blanket on the top.

I'm not a World War II evacuee,

give me a duvet like everybody else has!

And they make the bed so tight that when you get in it,

you're sort of trapped in it.

"I can't...I can't move!"

-SCREAMS:

-"HELP ME!"

There are people outside the door going,

"As soon as we get in, Mr McIntyre, we will come to your aid.

"Just sit tight. Have you had enough to eat?"

"I had the shortbread!"

I'm praying on the Bible.

"Save me, God, from these shit sheets!"

And the things they think you need in hotels, oh, my God!

Sewing kits. Sewing kits, are they kidding?!

Who is sewing in hotel rooms? What do they think we're doing?

What kind of people are they expecting to book?

"I booked a nice hotel for us this weekend.

"Going to catch up on our tailoring, I thought."

"Maybe do some bible studies, have some black coffee,

"sleep on the outside of the sheets - it's party night!"

Are you kidding?!

Have you ever forgotten your toothpaste in a hotel?

They give you enough toothpaste for one tooth.

Thanks for your generosity. That's lovely.

And the bathroom...oh, my God, it's unbelievable.

The more expensive the hotel you stay in,

there will be lotions and potions and bottles

for things you didn't even know existed. Bottles everywhere.

The cheaper the hotel, there will be, like,

one bottle that claims to be everything.

"Oh! The shampoo conditioning body wash shaving cream toothpaste milk."

LAUGHTER

"Milk? I might try a bit in my coffee. You never know."

And inappropriately sized towels. These drive me crazy.

You come out of the shower and there's, like, 15 towels

that get smaller and smaller and smaller.

Towels that don't go round the human body.

What is the point of a towel that won't go round a human being?

Sometimes I have to just use the mat.

"At least this fits!"

People tend to go for the side open.

That tends to be the internationally recognised solution for the short towel.

Sort of leave that open.

Come out, complaining to my wife. "Look at these towels.

"They don't even go the whole way round me."

It's very rare to go front open.

"Can you believe this?! They don't even go the whole way round."

"Just hurry up. We're late anyway."

Once, I got the sewing kit

and I sewed up all the towels to make a huge towel.

"Yes! Look at me in my huge towel!"

Lying on the outside of my sheets in my enormous, newly-sewed towel.

Reading Genesis, drinking black coffee, phoning reception,

"I think I'm ready for that wan-key now,

"if you want to send someone up."

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, for being here tonight.

Best night we've had! Thank you, at the back!

Thank you on the sides!

Thank you so much for coming! Safe journey home.

Thank you all! Good night! Bravo!

What fun we've had! Good night!

LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Woo-hoo!