Two Doors Down

MUSIC: "Pencil Full Of Lead" by Paulo Nutini

# Ohhhh

# I got a sheet for my bed and a pillow for my head

# I got a pencil full of lead and some water for my throat

# I got buttons for my coat and sails on my boat

# So much more than I needed before

# I got money in the meter and a two-bar heater

# Now it's getting hotter, oh, it's only getting sweeter

# I got legs on my chairs and a head full of hair

# Pot and a pan and some shoes for my feet

# I got a shelf full of books and most of my teeth

# A few pairs of socks and a door with a lock... #

DOORBELL RINGS

Eric, that's the door.

-BOTH:

-Hi!

-Come in, come in. Hi, Tony.

-Hi, Mrs Baird.

-Look at you, son!

-Hiya, Mum.

-Uh, Mrs Baird,

is my car OK over there?

What you doing parked up on the pavement? Pull it in to the driveway.

-Mum, it's fine.

-Would I not be wedging you in, then?

Away! I'll just get Eric to shift ours back. Eric!

-Eric!

-Aye, I'm coming, I'm coming.

-Oh, it's you, Ian.

-All right, Dad?

Shift the car. Tony doesn't want to be parking out on the street.

Oh, no, no. Honestly, it's fine.

-Mum...

-Shh! It's no trouble, Tony. Eric, move it.

-Right.

Look, I'll move it. Where's the keys?

Eric, back in, give the keys to Ian, let him.

HE SIGHS

I don't know. Nothing's ever straightforward with this lot, Tony. In you come.

Oh! We the first here?

Oh, no, there's a whole pile of folk in behind the curtain

-playing hide and seek.

-Is there?

Shut up, Eric! Tony, you sit there.

-Actually, no, not there. There.

-OK.

Eric, Tony's not got a drink.

All right, OK, OK! What would you like, son?

You can take your pick, I've been at the Costco.

So, what do you fancy? I've got beer, whisky, vodka...

-Erm...have you got pear cider?

-No.

-That's fine, I'll just have, um...

-Gin.

Gin! Gin.

So, how was your holiday?

-Aye, it was good, aye.

-What did you get up to?

Oh, there's just so much to see, isn't there?

The Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, Central Park.

Oh, my goodness!

Aye, but we didn't bother with any of that stuff.

But we did go to that Ground Zero.

-HE SIGHS DEEPLY

-I was in floods of tears.

-I mean, I was breaking my heart, wasn't I?

-You were, yeah.

I mean, it's just the thought of all those poor people

getting...squashed.

-And then we went for a pizza, though!

-Yeah.

Cracking wee place round the corner,

real Italians, and the portion sizes, honestly!

You could choke a horse with them.

And they did that thing where they twirl the dough in front of you.

I said to him, "I hope that doesn't land on my head,

"otherwise I'll be asking for this garlic bread to be free!"

-Wasn't I? That's what...

-You were, yeah.

So, did you not go and see a show then?

Aye, you must have done Broadway as well?

Aye, we went to see Phantom Of The Opera.

-Oh, brilliant.

-Oh, aye.

Aye, but I had the squits, so we only saw half.

Never thought about Christmas in New York, Mr Baird?

Me? New York? Christ! I'm lucky to get a new pair of socks.

Right. Let's do pressies!

Aw, no, you shouldnae have bothered.

This is the bit I like!

Spending your money. Daft.

Oh-ho! Oh-ho, what's this?

Oh, look... Oh, Beth, look at that.

Ralph Lauren. Huh?

-That is lovely.

-And this one here, Mum,

-this is for you.

-Oh, my God!

Eric, look at that.

-Tony, pull his head through, will you?

-No, no, I'm fine.

-Is it not a bit neat for him?

-Away. A bit neat!

-You should have got a large.

-A large. Don't talk rubbish!

Maybe if you just help it over his tummy...

Listen, it's fine! A large, for God's sake.

-What size is it?

-Extra large.

Right, Mum, come on, you next.

All right! I don't want to tear through the paper.

-It's beautiful paper. Look at that paper, Eric.

-Aye.

Ohh...

Oh, God.

That is absolutely beautiful.

Oh, Ian, and here's me needing a new handbag.

Eric, look at it, feel it!

-Oh, aye.

-That leather's like butter. I love it.

Thank you.

We've got some duty free fags for Angus. Is he not home yet?

-No, not yet.

-He sent a text, said he'd be here before the bells.

-Oh, well, good.

-Get ready to party!

Oh, Christ, here it is, lock up your sons.

No photos, please! At least not while I've still got my clothes on!

Ho, ho, ho, Auntie Caroline!

-How you doing, you big poof?

-Oi!

Shut it, you. Listen, Tony, this is my Auntie Caroline,

-Caroline, this is Tony.

-Hiya.

-Hiya.

-How you doing?

-Pleased to meet you.

-When did you get here?

-Oh, a few days ago, was it?

-A week.

-Ah, whatever.

I was going to go back down on Boxing Day

but London at this time of year is just mental. I needed a break.

You've certainly got one here.

For goodness' sake, look at this place, nothing's out.

What is it, Hogmanay or a hunger strike?

Here, Tony, you've got a job on your hands with this one.

-What d'you mean?

-Ach, just ignore her.

-Eric!

This one here, Tony, he's mad for it.

-Mad for what?

-Should we not...?

He might have settled down a bit now,

but I'm telling you this one's been places

the Red Cross wouldn't go.

Right, Caroline, let's get you a drink!

You know what I've done? I've left them lying at the till.

-You're kidding me?

-I was wishing a happy New Year to the wee lassie with a Santa hat.

-Oh, Eric.

-What's going on?

He's went and left the crisps and the dips up by the till at Tesco.

It's not my fault. It was the wee lassie, she just started chatting.

Christ, Eric, all you had to do was go to Costco,

pick up the gazebo, drop the flowers off at the cemetery,

nip into Superdrug and get me a pair of tights

and then go to Tesco and get five packets of Kettle Chips,

a big bag of Hula-Hoops and some peri-peri houmous.

-What's happening?

-It's a nightmare. There's no crisps.

I'm not bothered about crisps anyway.

What about tonic water?

-Did you get any of that?

-No.

Right, get yourself back up there, Eric.

-Need me to move my car?

-No, you stay where you are, this is a party.

-You can't send him back up there.

-Thank you.

-Tesco's will be shut.

-TONY:

-Oh, for the love of God!

Eric, what a naughty boy.

Tony, what are we like? You must think this is just madness!

Right, well, I'll rustle something up and you get out there

and finish sorting that gazebo, eh?

You can get that new shirt off and all.

He's been at that for hours, I've been watching from the window.

Total mess. Never seen anything like it. All sagging in the middle.

Gazebo's a state and all!

THEY LAUGH

Get it sorted, Tony might want a cigarette.

-I don't smoke.

-You might start tonight, son.

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS INSISTENTLY

SHE SHRIEKS AND GIGGLES

SHE SHRIEKS AGAIN

-So good to see you.

-How are you?

-I'm fine.

Apart from my mum phoning every five minutes to check up on me.

-Mine was getting all emotional there when I left.

-What did she say?

"See, if I need to march you down to that family planning clinic

-"on New Year's Day again, I'll wring your neck!"

-Nice!

-Listen, I've got a surprise.

-Don't tell me! You waxed your feet!

What? No.

No, listen.

-I've got us a bottle of wine.

-Aargh! Brilliant!

-I've got a surprise an' all.

-What?

-Oi!

-All right?

-Evening, girls.

So, when was the last time you were up here for New Year, then?

Ooh! Yonks.

I mean, I only really came to give your mum a hand.

Beth? Got any ice?

-So, listen. What's the story with Tony, then?

-I met him online.

-So you saw photos first?

-Hey! Shut it! He's nice.

He's funny, he makes me laugh.

Christ, Caroline, he took me to New York for my Christmas.

So what happened all of that moving down to London stuff?

I don't know, I changed my mind a bit.

I've still got to save up and I'm worried about what my mum would say

-because of Angus and if we're both away...

-Tony doesn't want to.

Basically, yeah.

Oh, well.

Beth! Ice!

-Can I give you a hand, Mr Baird?

-No, no, you're fine.

Read the instructions, have we?

Christ, you need instructions to read the instructions, son.

-Where did you get it? Was it B&Q?

-Uh-huh.

Ian loves B&Q. He takes after you, eh?

-Gazebo.

-HE CHUCKLES

Gazebo.

Gazebo. It sounds funny, doesn't it? Just one of those words, like...

..talc.

Talc.

-Talc!

-Jesus wept.

-Are you struggling there?

-Very much so.

-You want me to just...?

-No, no, no, look, no offence.

-No, honestly...

-Son, I've been at this for over an hour.

And it's no' as easy as it looks.

Yeah, I think if we just give it maybe just one...good... Oof!

-Hmm!

-I'll...

-Thanks very much.

-You're welcome.

If...if she asks, it was me that sorted it, all right?

Ashley. Ashley!

I am going to get totally killed off my mum and dad if they find out.

Listen, what do you think of Maitland? He's hot, do you no' think?

-Just back off, Maitland, all right? Get off.

-What? What?

-Where did you even meet them?

-On the bus.

-On the bus?

Listen, he was totally coming on to me.

Threw a chip at the back of my head

and then asked me if I had any pants on.

I'm not comfortable with this whole thing.

-Get off!

-Oh, God!

-Bingo.

Listen.

Gordy... I think he might be single.

It's all right if I eat this ham, Sophie?

-Right, here we go.

-Here, Beth.

-You remember this?

-This takes me back.

MUSIC PLAYS: "Stuck In The Middle With You"

Hey, Anton du Beke's got nothing on me, eh?

-Aye, except for timing and a full head of hair.

-Come on!

That's enough. Tony, tangerine?

-Oh, lovely. Easy peel.

-Ian, tangy?

No, I'm all right, thanks.

DOORBELL RINGS Come on, hand them out. I'm coming!

I'm coming! I'm coming!

-Only us, Beth!

-Oh, Cathy, it's yourself.

-Hi, Beth.

-Hi, Colin.

-Steak pie on the go, eh?

-Aye, all done.

Oh, aye, we could smell it from outside.

Like the Bisto kids out on that front step, weren't we?

We were, aye, snouts up to the wind.

BOTH: Ah, Bisto!

-What are you like?

-Where's Angus? Is he here?

-No, not yet.

Hiya, Cathy! Come in. Colin. How you doing?

Oh, for the love of God, you never told me they were coming!

-Right, I'm off!

-THEY LAUGH

-Here, Caroline, give us a quick kiss, eh?

-Oh, hiya.

Let's get a look at you, missus, how are you?

No, I don't like your hair like that.

-Hi! I'm Cathy.

-Oh, sorry, Cathy, no, you've not met, have you?

-Cathy, this is Tony. Tony is Ian's...

-Friend.

-Partner.

-Hiya.

-Eric, for God's sake, how many years have we known Cathy and Colin?

-It's all right, Eric, we all know.

-God, aye, knew for years.

-Even when he was a wee boy...

-Anyway, so Tony is Ian's partner.

-Pleased to meet you, Tony.

-Hi, Tony.

God, you wouldn't know, would you, looking at him?

Pleased to meet you.

Aye, now, you can when he speaks.

-Is that your car outside, is it, Tony?

-Oh, yeah, it is.

-You want me to move it?

-Uh-uh-uh!

You stay there and enjoy your tangerine.

That's the Avensis he's got, Eric. That's the wee cousin to the Lexus.

-We've got the Lexus.

-We do, aye, the hybrid.

It's as quiet as anything, isn't it, Cath?

Oh, aye, you can hardly hear a thing.

Practically no sound from the engine at all.

I hit a dog last week, just cos the bloody thing couldn't hear me coming.

-Very efficient.

-Oh, aye, killed it instantly.

-Eric, Eric, come on, drinks for Cathy and Colin.

-Coming right up.

And the gazebo's up if you're wanting a smoke.

No, thank you, I've got my wee friend here.

This is my wee stocking filler from Colin.

Oh, that and a voucher to get my veneers.

So, who's drinking what? Caroline, what you having?

-She's fine.

-Colin, where's that mulled wine?

-In your bag.

-Oh, so it is.

-Oh! Another Louis Vuitton.

-Ian and Tony got me one from New York.

Oh, right. Colin got me this, didn't you?

It's even got its own unique serial number to prove it's real.

-Aye, it's the real deal.

-I don't know if mine's got that.

-You shouldn't have bothered. Eric!

-Oh, right, you want me to open this?

God, no. I'll have a vodka and Colin will have a whisky.

So, what time's the soldier boy due then? Angus?

He's on his way down from the base just now.

-Is he coming from Inverness?

-Uh-huh.

-A9?

-I don't know.

-Deathtrap.

-What?

That road is an absolute deathtrap.

Well, he shouldn't be too long now, anyways.

The number of people that get killed there every year,

-it's terrible. They need to upgrade the whole lot.

-Really?

He said he'd be here for the bells, so...

-See, it's something the green lobby just don't understand.

-Oh, I know.

So that'll be nice, eh?

I mean, once we were going up to the timeshare, remember, Cathy?

That guy we saw getting cut out of the windscreen of a Volvo? Terrible.

Don't. Please don't.

All right?

You're looking really nice tonight, Mum.

-I'm awful glad you and Tony came.

-Oh, absolutely. It's good.

It's nice to be with your own sometimes, isn't it?

At home with your nearest and dearest.

That's what your gran always used to say.

She used to say, "Beth, New Year's not New Year unless I've got

"all my family around me and Caroline on the other end of a phone."

Is that a malt you've got there, Eric?

Actually, I was planning to save that for when Angus gets back.

-You'll need to let it breathe.

-Well, I...

-Did I tell you about the malt I had down at Turnberry?

-Good, was it?

Oh, it was lovely. It was 15-year-old, 12 quid a dram.

It was peaty, but not too peaty.

It was just quite peaty.

Smoky but not too smoky. A wee bit of hickory but not too much...

-Sounds lovely.

-Aye, that with a dash of Diet Coke, it was smashing.

-Any pets, Sophie?

-No.

-I'm saving up for an iguana.

-Right.

My brother's got a milk snake, you see. That's what inspired me.

-Right, this is shite, I'm heading into town.

-What?!

-There's no drink. I'm offski.

-Good.

Well, I'll stay if you want me to.

I've got pictures on my phone of the snake.

Eating a bit of toast!

-I'll just show yous out.

-Soph! Soph, Soph, come on.

Help me out here.

-I really like him.

-It's always the same with you, isn't it?

The minute that there's a guy you like, I just get dropped.

-No, you don't.

-Yes, I do.

-No, you don't! When have I ever done that you?

-T In The Park.

Oh, that was different, he had a tent.

Oh, I love this one. Turn it up.

MUSIC: "Perfect" by Fairground Attraction

# Too many people

# Take second best

# But I won't take anything less

# It's got to be-e-e-e-e-e

# Perfect! #

So...

-you still down in London then, Caroline?

-Yeah.

I could never move back up here. It's brilliant down there.

See, the buzz, and the fact you can just be so anonymous.

That's the thing here, everybody knows your business.

-God, I know, I couldn't stand it.

-So Beth says you're single again.

-Yeah, I'm not ready for settling, Cathy.

-No.

Nah, I'm a free spirit, Cath. There's plenty more fish in the sea.

Does that mean you're back on the pill?

So, have you just given up trying?

SHE TUTS AND SIGHS

-What did you do on Boxing Day?

-Oh, nothing much, really.

Once I'd run my mother up the road it was, like, eight o'clock,

and we were going to go out for something to eat

but we had so much left.

My mother's 85, you know, she just picks at stuff like a sparrow.

They don't go in for the big portions

-when they're that bit older, do they?

-No, they don't.

And, you know, we went and got a goose this year. £35 it cost us.

-Oof!

-Listen, you want to see

what they were looking for the organic ones.

I says to Cathy, I says, "You're all right, I'll just have

"one of the ones that runs about in the dark and eats its own shite."

Ah, we just had a chicken. Beth did a chicken.

A chicken.

You know, I tell you, see the meat, see the actual meat of a goose,

it was...oh, it was tender, it was awful moist.

-Practically melt in your mouth.

-Well, it sounds nice, aye.

If you want, we'll give you the remains, Beth can make you a curry.

Stick another malt in there, squire.

-Oh, here, Beth, that is a cracker.

-Angus's favourite.

He'll be getting stuck right into that tomorrow.

-Just thought he'd be here by now.

-Ohhh.

Every time he goes on tour, I just worry I'll never see him again.

I know, I know.

I'm the same with Colin when he goes out to the golf in the winter.

-Beth, there's something I need to tell you.

-What?

Now, listen.

Yous know how me and Colin value you and Eric's friendship.

-Och, what's he done?

-Eh?

He's not been hiding bank statements in your bin again, has he?

No, no, no, no, no! We've been neighbours a long time now, Beth.

I remember the day you moved in.

I stood at that window there and I watched and I said to Colin,

"Look at this lot, look at the junk coming out of the back of that van!"

That was a good few years ago, though.

Aye, you've still got a lot of same stuff though.

But we just felt that tonight was the right time to tell you that...

-we're moving.

-No!

-We are.

The Whytes are leaving Latimer Crescent!

-Where are you going?

-Don't worry, we're not going far,

just somewhere a wee bit nicer.

Well, a lot bit nicer. Barshaw Drive.

Barshaw Drive? Oh, Cathy!

One of the red sandstones.

-I don't know what to say.

-Don't say anything.

Colin wants to keep it under wraps until it's all signed and whatnot.

So this will be our last New Year together then?

Don't, you'll set me off!

Ohh...

Oh, heck, I'd better not start or my mascara will go

-and this is the dear stuff I've got on.

-Oh, Cath!

DOORBELL RINGS Come on.

I need to get the door, Cath.

-Oh, Beth!

-Right, there you go, come on.

Ohhh.

SHE WHIMPERS

Oh, OK. I'm OK.

HE YELLS, SHE SCREAMS

-It's only me! It's Henning!

-Henning!

-Henning and Nina!

-Hello, Mrs Baird.

-Call me Beth.

Honestly, look at you in that silly hat, you stupid bastard!

-Can I speak with you outside?

-Of course you can, pet.

I could not help but noticing that your recycling bin

-is not being utilised properly.

-Is it not?

-No.

-The wrapping paper from the presents should be in the blue bin.

-Right.

-Otherwise it will not be recycled.

-OK, right.

If it's recycling you're looking for, come on through

and hear a few of Eric's jokes.

Hello!

ALL CHEER IN GREETING

Oh, hiya!

-How you doing?

-You'll know more or less everybody.

Cathy, Colin, you've met Ian,

that's Tony, Ian's partner, and that's...

-Hi, who's this?

-Hello! I'm Henning.

-Caroline, pleased to meet you.

-God, you've got big hands, don't you?

-Hello, Henning!

-Hello, Cathy!

-What's with the kilt, big man?

-Oh, do you like it?

-Are you a true Scotsman, Henning?

-No.

-Boo!

Nina, come on, go and get yourselves sat down. Look at the size of her.

No, it's all right, Nina. It's electronic.

Here, I'll just give you a quick kiss, Nina, eh? Mwah! Other cheek.

-That's continental.

-Who's got an empty glass? Who's drinking what?

-Henning, you want a lager?

-No, not for me.

-If you have any with the low alcohol?

-Och, your baws, Henning!

-It's Hogmanay, get him a whiskey.

-Good idea.

-Here, Eric, don't drown it this time.

-Nina, what are you having?

-She's pregnant, Beth, just get her a wine.

-Just a water, please.

-So, where are you from?

-We are from Norway.

Oh, Norway, that's up just near Sweden, yeah?

Rrr-r-r-r! It's Baltic up there.

-CATHY LAUGHS

-Good one, Caroline,

good one! Baltic.

We were looking at cruises round the fjords, weren't we, Colin?

We were, aye, we were.

Well, you know there are over 1,000 fjords in Norway.

Aye, they looked shite,

-so we're just going to do the Caribbean again.

-The Virgin Islands.

-Here, you'd no' get in there, eh?!

-SHE LAUGHS

Did you hear that, you'd no' get in!

Cos they know she's not a virgin.

-So how are you liking Scotland?

-Well, I find that...

-Henning, how are you liking it?

-Oh, yes, it's nice, yes, very nice.

Apart from the litter and the dog dirt in the street.

And the high cost of public transport, we can't complain.

Oh, a friend of mine from school

ended up going out to work in Norway.

-What kind of work?

-I don't know.

Well, there are not too many people from Scotland in Norway.

-When there is football, they come.

-Oh, aye, aye, the Tartan Army, eh?

God love them, best fans in the world!

ALL CHEER

Yes, Nina once helped a man in the street with a flag who was

lying in the gutter, choking on his own vomit!

Another top-up, Eric. So what is it you do, Henning?

Have you got a good job?

-Quite well-paid, is it?

-I am working now at the university as a lecturer.

-Ooh!

-I was working in Oslo but I got headhunted.

And I always say, it's really funny

that I got headhunted by the Scottish, when many years ago,

it was my ancestors who were hunting their heads! And raping, too!

SHE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

Dear me, that's funny!

Right, here's the drill.

We go in there for five minutes, bag a few cans and that will be us.

-Beer, beer, beer, beer!

-Hey, hey! Put a lid on it.

Remember, that's her neighbours.

They've known her since she was a wee girl.

Show a bit of consideration. Sophie! Hurry up!

-She takes forever to get ready.

-Are you sure you're all right doing this?

Listen, I stole a belt from Fraser's. This is a piece of piss.

In Norway, Christmas is the big party,

New Year's Eve is not so popular.

-You see, here it's the other around.

-That's right.

We do celebrate Christmas in the traditional way.

In fact, I bought Colin a beautiful big watch this year.

But New Year is the big thing for us.

-Why is that, Cathy?

-I don't know, Nina. It just is.

Although I have to say, it's not what it used to be.

I mean, it used to be that everybody left their doors lying open

and everyone was in and out of each other's houses.

All that stopped when the old dear at the end of the road got murdered.

We still do first footing though, don't we?

-Are you familiar with first footing?

-Yes!

Is that like the birthday dumps?

When you bash the other guy in the bum?

Bash the guy in the bum? Oh, for goodness sake, no, no!

First footing's when you're the first person to come into someone's house in the New Year.

Ideally, a tall, blond, handsome stranger.

And if you can't get one of them, you can always have Eric!

Oh, thanks a bundle!

And traditionally, you'd bring some coal and stuff.

-It's good luck, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-You've first footed us, Ian, haven't you?

-Yeah, I did.

-That was the year we had the burst pipe.

And the other big tradition, New Year's Day,

-there's always the steak pie.

-No!

Not more pastry!

First, this is not so good.

I have written to the manager of the canteen at the university

asking him why it must be there is so much pastry.

I make Henning rye bread to take with him.

I hate rye bread, Henning, I can't stand it. Oh, so boring!

All this talking about food is making me hungry!

-Oh, come on, I'll get you something.

-No, no, no...

-No, come on!

-OK.

-Here, Nina, it'll be your turn for the party next year, eh?

-Sorry?

Oh, aye, Nina, everybody takes a turn.

I don't think that would be for us.

We are very private and I will have a baby by then.

It could be good fun, Nina. And we could get the babysitter.

Aye, get a babysitter, Nina.

We have got hospitality here, it would be nice to return the favour.

-We don't have to do pie. You could cook fish, Nina.

-Here, now.

Fish and chips is Scottish. You're not stealing that,

Nina, you wee minx.

Aye, stick to your rye bread, love.

-Or I could roast a reindeer!

-Henning, settle down.

-Leave him alone!

-Did you hear that? He's going to roast a reindeer!

Here, Henning, you'll get a red nose after that, eh?

THEY ALL LAUGH

GLASSES CLINK

Go on.

Cold meat, yoghurt, tinned tuna...

Mrs Baird, I was wondering if I could ask you something.

-Aye, fire away.

-Well, I was wondering...

What would you think if I asked Ian to marry me?

What?

I want to ask Ian if he'll marry me.

Um, well, if you're sure, and...

-Are you surprised?

-No! Well, a wee bit. Gosh...

Ian is the best thing that's ever happened to me, Mrs Baird.

Well, I suppose you'll know.

Listen, son, all we want is for our Ian to be happy

and if that's with you, a man, so be it.

Come here and give us a hug. Oh!

That's all that matters. If you boys are happy, we're happy.

-Should I ask Mr Baird?

-No.

-Are you sure you don't want to see my snake?

-Yep! Yep.

DOORBELL RINGS

BOTTLES RATTLE

-Gordy!

-Gordy! Shut up!

That'll be Angus!

All right?

MUSIC: "Real Gone Kid" by Deacon Blue

-Aye, cheers.

-Soft drinks for them, Eric.

Surely they can have one. It's New Year, right, boys?

Come on!

Sophie, you allowed a drink?

-I'm allowed.

-Are you?

-Aye. I've had my stomach pumped and everything.

Give them a shandy, Eric. Sophie, a shandy?

We're fine with a Diet Coke or fruit juice or something.

-I won't tell your folks if you don't.

-Jack and Coke, please.

-What about you, boys? You want a lager?

-Aye.

-Lager in the back.

-Go help yourselves.

-Yes!

-Kerching!

-So, did your mum and dad get away all right?

-Yeah.

-Is it Bristol they're going?

-Yeah.

-M6?

-Oh, I don't know.

-Deathtrap.

Oh, Sophie, it's so nice to see you. Give us a wee hug!

Absolute deathtrap.

Oh, Sophie.

-Whooo!

-Sophie! This is Henning and Nina.

Have you not met Henning and Nina before?

Oh, your mum and dad probably know them. They're from Sw...

-Where are you from again?

-Norway.

-Norway, that's it! This is Sophie.

She's from next door.

-Hello.

-Hello! Hello.

-Hello.

Here, come here.

I think your mum is lovely.

Just the way she copes with everything, you know, like,

-Angus being away, and the whole crisp situation.

-Yeah.

-She's really made me feel like part of the family.

-Oh, great.

Just don't tell my dad. He'll start getting jealous.

See them two boys in there? Gay! THEY CHUCKLE

All right there, lads?

-Aye.

-Aye.

-Getting yourself a wee drink?

-Aye.

-Aye.

So you not heading back in?

-Aye.

-Aye, OK.

Nice arse, big boy.

-Right, lady, you cool it!

-Eh?

-Oh, you know what I mean.

-Just take it down a notch.

-Excuse me, I haven't done anything!

I'm watching you, you're around him like a wasp at a picnic.

-Just cool it.

-Ugh! Who shat in your handbag?!

-So, are you having the baby here, then, are you, Nina?

-Yes.

But the hospital is not so good.

Outside everybody in dressing gowns smoking.

-That's ridiculous, isn't it, Colin?

-Oh, aye, they'll be freezing.

But just think, your wee baby will be a Scottish baby. Born here!

Right, who's for another drink? Henning?

Just a fizzy water for him.

Oh, come on, Nina, it's New Year.

Aye, shut it, Nina! Another whisky for Henning.

I must go to the toilet.

Oh, aye, up you get.

That's the thing with being pregnant, isn't it?

It's just one pish after another.

You're not going to believe this but I'm still starving.

Are you?

Yeah, I mean, it's easy to say now

but I should've had a bowl of cereal or something before we came out.

Why don't you just ask my mum for something?

No, I can't do that. You ask.

-She won't mind.

-No, you ask.

-Mum?

-Uh-huh?

-Tony's a bit hungry.

No. Peckish, a bit peckish.

You said you were starving.

Right, are you wanting me to make you a sandwich or something?

A toastie? But I don't want to put you out, Mrs Baird.

-CATHY:

-Is that food on the go?

No, Tony just said he was a bit hungry.

Oh, no, no, no, honestly. I can hold out.

-I'm a bit peckish, coming to mention it. What about you young ones?

-We're not staying.

I'm staying if there's food on the go.

Here we are stood with our bellies rumbling

and there's a steak pie through there that would feed the five thousand.

Aye, but that's for tomorrow.

-CATHY:

-Aw, you can rustle another one up for tomorrow, can you, no?

Aye, what else are you doing?

-COLIN:

-You ever tasted her steak pie, lads?

It's tremendous. Henning, steak pie, are you tempted?

Listen, that pie...

I had a look at it earlier, it's an absolute monster.

Listen! The lot of you listen to me!

That pie is for tomorrow. New Year's Day.

That is the tradition and we stick to tradition.

If you all think I'm going through there to start

cooking and serving up a pie

only to start doing the same thing tomorrow,

you've got another think coming, all right?

Pie.

Pie.

Pie.

-BOTH:

-Pie, pie, pie.

ALL: Pie, pie, pie, pie!

Pie, pie, pie, pie!

Pie, pie, pie, pie!

Pie, pie, pie, pie!

Pie, pie, pie, pie!

Pie, pie, pie, pie!

Here, Beth, give us a clean cloth

to wipe the bird shit off these, would you?

What? What are you looking at me like that for?

-Shut the door.

-What?

-Shut the door.

-What's the matter?

-Are you taking the piss?

-What do you mean?

-I knew this would happen. I knew it. It's a shambles!

-Oh, come on!

Every time we have people in, Eric, it's the same.

It's nearly as bad as your father's funeral.

Christ, that was such a disaster,

I don't think even he'd come back and do it again.

-Here, hang on a minute...

-I asked you to do one thing.

One thing, Eric, but, oh, no,

you're too busy chatting to some wee girl in a Santa hat.

I was just wishing her a happy New Year.

Well, she's having a happy New Year all right with my Hula Hoops.

What about the gazebo? You've been at that half the day.

And it's the same one that Robert over the road had for his party.

And he had it up in 20 minutes.

Well, he's a dab hand at that kind of thing.

He's nine, Eric.

And speaking of wee lads, you've barely said a word to Ian

-since he got here.

-Yes, I have.

-Have you?

-Aye!

I asked him to shift off the bean bag while the other one was at the loo.

That boy has come back to his family home to spend time with his family.

And what does he get?

A tangerine on a plate and you grunting back at him

-every time he tries to make conversation.

-This is you getting strung out now, isn't it?

-You're uptight about Angus.

-Aye, and that's your fault and all.

-What, everything is just my fault?

-Yes. No. Let me think about this.

-Yes.

-Oh, for God's...

-I said it, Eric. I said it.

I said we should never let him go away and join the Army.

Beth, I tried.

Not hard enough.

OVEN BEEPS

And, just so you know, I will never ever forget your part

in what I've been forced to do with that pie.

That line there, that's your lifeline.

Yours is nice and long and straight. That's good.

And this line here...

Oh...

It means divorce.

Oh, sorry, Nina, I'm in your seat.

Cathy, can you pull over that wee stool thing there for Nina?

-So, yous two gay, then?

-Yeah.

-Right.

-Right, so how do you, like, know?

-I don't know.

-You just sort of know all your life.

-It's just something you know.

Totally.

It's just a natural thing,

and that's what some people don't understand, innit?

-Yeah.

-So have yous NEVER rode lassies, then?!

Jesus, how many have you had, mate?

That's my fourth. Four cans I've had.

Aye, quatro lagers, walloped.

Don't even feel pished.

Well, actually, maybe five.

Stuff's not bad, eh?

-Sophie, you want a wee can?

-No, I'm all right.

Bit of a lightweight, are you?

Lightweight. Lightweight!

You want to stop that smoking.

-You want one?

-Aye, go on.

Ta.

Your...

Your mother was saying to me,

well, she as good as said to me

that she thought I didn't like him. Tony.

-And the two of you together and that.

-Oh, right.

-A load of rubbish.

-Is it?

-Of course it is. I don't mind.

-Christ, I've got gay friends.

-Where's your gay friends, Dad?

-Down the golf club?

-No, no, no, they wouldn't get in there.

-But I do know some. Bernie.

-Who's Bernie?

Oh, you know, wee pervy Bernie that used to run the van.

And Peter Hillhouse. He was renowned.

He was at your mum and I's wedding. Did all the floral arrangements.

-You really don't have a clue, do you?

-About what?

It was always Angus with you, wasn't it?

He was the favourite, he was the one that you liked

because he liked the football, he liked the golf, he was a man,

went off to the Army, all that stuff.

But you've got no idea the kind of shite I had to put up with.

All the names they called me when I was growing up, Dad.

There's the poof, the gay boy, jobby jabber, fudge nudger.

You tell me who said that to you, I'll sort them out.

-Graham Robertson, that boy that lived next door to Nana.

-Oh, him?

I'm not going near him, he does judo.

It was horrible, Dad.

Horrible.

But I'm over it.

With no help from you whatsoever, by the way.

But I am over it.

-Right, what about a singsong?

-Yeah!

-Oh, no.

Henning, you got a song for us?

-No, I cannot singing.

-Come on, you must be able to do something, Herring.

I could say an old Norwegian poem my grandfather once said to me.

No, we won't have that. Right, Ian, singsong.

-Do High On A Hill Stood A Lonely Goat.

-Mum, I haven't done that in years!

-What about you, Tommy, I bet you've got a nice voice.

-Tony.

I can't sing. I mean, I love singing, but he says I really am very bad.

This is useless. Oh, you're a miserable bunch.

-Right, right, right...

-Oh, here he goes, here he goes.

Oh, God, wait till you hear him. He's something else.

Shush, shut up, everyone. Nina, shut it.

# When it began

# I can't begin to know it

# But then I know it's going strong... #

-What is that?

-You'll get it by the chorus. You know this one.

-No.

Listen, just listen.

# ..who would've believed you'd come along

# Hands

# Touching hands

# Reaching out

# Touching me

# Touching you

ALL: # Sweet Caroline

# Oh, oh, oh... #

God, I can't stand this.

# Good times never seemed so good

# I've been inclined... #

FAINT SOUND OF COLIN SINGING

Henning.

Henning.

Henning.

SHE MOANS

Oh!

CHEERING

-Are you getting up to do us a song, Nina?

-Do Bjork, Nina.

Bjork! Did you hear that?

Good sense of humour, that boy, actually, don't you, son?

You're one of they ones, aren't you?

Seem as dull as shite when you meet you,

-but quite funny when you get to know you.

-What are you singing, Nina?

I'm not singing anything. I am going to see where Henning is.

Oh! Ooh!

SHE GIGGLES

HE SNORES

-Right, your Royal Highness, are you getting up?

-Oh, no. No, no.

What are you talking about? It's New Year. Have you got a pulse?

-Aye.

-Ah, well, you're singing.

Oh, God.

ALL: Come on!

Ian, you'll know this one.

# I've been walking these streets so long

# Singing the same old song... #

Henning. Henning?

Come downstairs. We need to go home now. I feel tired.

Henning.

I don't like it here. Henning!

# ..the compromising

# On the road to my horizon

# But I'm gonna be... #

Mrs Baird, please come, I think Henning is stuck in the toilet.

Oh, for the love of Christ.

ERIC HOLDS A HIGH NOTE

# Yes, like a rhinestone cowboy... #

-I don't know that.

-You do know it!

-I don't.

# ..a star-spangled rodeo... #

Right, let's see what's going on.

Move yourself, Nina.

Get your bump out of the road.

Henning, Henning!

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

-He's maybe spewing, Nina.

-Spew...?

Spewing. Spewing. Bleugh! Being sick.

CHEERING

-There you are. That do ya?

-Right, who else is doing something?

Come on. Bip-bip-bip-bip...

Oh, Sophie. Away and get your clarinet.

Yeah! Your clarinet!

No, I chucked that ages ago, Mrs Whyte, I was crap at it anyway.

-That didn't stop Eric singing.

-Oh, very good.

Here, your mother's a good singer, isn't she?

Remember the year with the party at your house? Now, that was a party.

Yeah. Was that the year that you were sick in the bidet

and Mrs Baird went to stay in the Travelodge?

Well remembered.

Here, Cathy, shall we not be getting stuck in a bit of that pie?

-Oh, my God, yes!

-Away and help her, Sophie. On you go. You too, pet.

And, remember, just keep some for me, right?

OK, boys. That's the ladies out the room.

-You want to hear a couple of jokes?

-Aye.

First off, two nuns and a climbing frame.

I used to be able to open this from outside

when the boys were in there playing with themselves.

DOOR RATTLES FURIOUSLY

Here's another one for yous. Here's another one.

This wee mouse is walking through the jungle, right...

Don't say another word! I need to get a top-up.

So, do you stay nearby?

Aye, just up at the flats near the roundabout.

Oh, aye. What does your dad do?

He's not working just now,

but he's got something lined up starting January.

That's good, that's good.

Yeah, he's going to strip out Gilchrist's, you know,

-the refrigeration place.

-Gilchrist's?

-Yeah, do you know it?

I work there.

-I'm the plant manager.

-Oh, right.

You've got something else lined up then, yeah?

Lined up? What...?

Colin, your pie awaits, m'lord.

BANGING

BANGING

Henning. Henning!

Ow! You do it, Nina.

He's pissed. Henning! Henning!

-He's not used to drinking so much.

-Henning!

Henning, kan du hora meg?

Right, love, there's no need for that. He's just a bit pissed.

We'll get him something to eat, sober him up. Steak pie!

-Pie!

-Pie, Henning!

Steak pie!

Steak pie, Henning!

Steak pie! Cover up his bits, Nina.

Oh, there's not much meat in it.

Eric, could you get us a draining spoon?

Oh, for goodness' sake, look at the size of it.

-Can I get a picture with it?

-What?

-Can I get my picture with the pie?

-Right, well, give us your phone.

It's next door, on the nest of tables.

Could you get us another knife? It's a silly, wee, cheap knife.

Oh, God, it's a bit burnt round the edges.

She's had the oven up too high.

Colin, what are you wanting with it?

-Colin!

-Eh?

-What are you wanting with it? Dijon?

-No.

That do you, Cathy?

That's us!

Would you like your picture taken with me and the pie, Mr Baird?

Er, no, you're fine, son.

Eric, could you get us a fish slice? This draining spoon's shite.

Just pour mine on.

Right, that's Henning up in the spare bed.

He's absolutely arseholed.

Is he not wanting any pie?

He's in no state for steak pie, Cathy.

Jesus, it's a bit parky out there.

Steak pie, missus?

Cathy, let me do it. Come on.

No, you're all right.

-No, you're all right, let me do it.

-No, you're fine.

No, let me do it. Cathy! Out of the way!

-Right who's still not got?

-Me.

Eric, do you think you could stop stuffing your face for two minutes

and find me a proper serving spoon?

This is absolutely delicious, Mrs Baird.

That's good.

Any chance of a bit more?

Of course.

Beth, don't forget to leave some for Angus.

Oh, right enough.

Right, you lot, come on, that's the bells. Hurry up!

BIG BEN CHIMES ON TV

Hurry up, hurry up!

Everybody got a drink?

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one!

ALL: Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year.

Oh! I love you!

Ian...

Would you marry me?

-This is our year, eh?

-Aye.

All right, the lot of you, come on, it's Auld Lang Syne!

Come on, you young 'uns.

# ..to mind

# Should old acquaintance be forgot for the sake of auld lang syne... #

Remember when you were a wee boy,

we used to listen for all the boats from the Clyde

all blowing their horns?

Come on, folks, you have to be quick if you want to hear them.

Oh, what the hell's happened to this?

Oh, give me a hand to shift it, come on.

Oh, bloody hell. That was Tony.

It was him that put it up.

All right?

FIREWORKS WHISTLE OVERHEAD

DOORBELL RINGS

Listen!

Is that one? Shush, listen.

Shhh!

I can't hear a bloody thing.

-HE BELCHES

-God, I'm sorry.

I'm not going to drink another thing.

-All right?

-Angus?

-Angus! Oh, my God!

-Where did you spring from?

I was at the front door, but nobody answered.

That's your stupid father, dragging us all out here.

Aw, Angus. Good to see you, son.

Hello, Angus, darling!

-Auntie Caroline.

-How come you're so late? You missed the bells.

Did you have trouble getting down that A9?

He's home safe now, and that's all I'm worried about.

Angus, let's get a look at you.

You seem different.

Mind you, they do say that killing folk can change you.

Have you killed many people?

For God's sake, leave the boy alone, he's just got home.

Christ, I'd rather face the bloody Taliban than you lot.

Give your mum a cuddle. That's you home now.

Home safe, good lad.

Aww, look at that.

You! You are a slut! A slut!

She tried to mont Henning. She tried to mont him, Mrs Baird.

-Nina!

-She was trying to mont him.

What's she saying? I can't understand a word.

Mounting. I think she's saying she mounted him.

Get her off me!

Nina, this is no way for a pregnant lady to behave.

Come on!

GLASS SMASHES

Oh, God! What's happened?

-What have you done?

-I'm fine, it's just a bit of glass.

Ian, go and get some kitchen roll.

-Nina, what were you thinking?

-She's mental.

He's just back from Afghanistan, Nina.

I can't help it if a guy finds me attractive.

-That'll do!

-That's enough!

Let's keep it nice.

Eric, get her out and get Henning out of that bed an' all.

I'm not having this.

Just go home, Nina!

You're coming in here with all that...chat.

Unbelievable.

As for you...

Don't you start on me.

I invited you up here because I felt sorry for you.

I thought, "She's family, can't have her sitting on her own

"down in London. I'll invite her up, it's New Year's Eve.

"What's the worst that could happen?"

You'd get pissed and try and shag

my nice, innocent, gentle Norwegian neighbour!

That is outrageous! I'm meant to be a guest here.

Ian, did you hear what she just said?

She's right, Caroline.

-What do you mean?

-You are a nightmare.

Come on, now.

Look, it's New Year, we've all just had a wee bit too much to drink.

Shut up! Shut your big, fat face.

If it's not what we spent on this, that or the other,

it's on and on about your next frigging holiday.

Well, I tell you where you're off to now, pal - home.

And you can take her with you.

I'm absolutely speechless.

Well, there is a God, then.

Well, let me just say one thing to you, Beth.

After this, I will not be sorry to say goodbye to you as a neighbour.

In fact, we'll be glad to move, won't we, Colin?

-Colin?

-Well, let's not be too hasty about this, you know?

Get out. All of you, get out.

Get out now! That's it.

All of you.

Not you, Tony, you idiot! Come back here. Out! Everybody, out!

I thought this was going to be shite,

but I've had a great time.

Oh, by the way, I think there's some sick behind your couch.

I mean, we have given up our New Year to go in there,

and what thanks do you get?

The mulled wine, did we get a thank you? No.

I was left, on more than one occasion, with my glass empty.

If it hadn't been for the half bottle in my bag,

I'd have been up and down like a yo-yo.

And, to cap it all, she left me to get my sleeves rolled up

and cook a steak pie.

I mean, some people, Colin, just don't have any class.

God! Some lump of a guy, that Henning, eh?

-Is he all right?

-Aye, he'll be fine.

Did you get him up to his bed OK?

No, I just left him sitting in the porch, being sick into his hat.

Dramarama, eh?

Excuse me, I'm not being rude or anything, but who is he?

This is Tony. He's Ian's...

He's my fiance.

Really?

Aye.

-Well, congratulations, bro!

-Thanks.

-That's brilliant!

Well, er, I think we should drink to that, eh?

Here, Eric, where's the good stuff?

See, if you and Billy Big Balls have spent the whole night

guzzling your way through that good malt, I am...

Beth, calm yourself.

-This is the good stuff.

-Eh?

Well, I knew Colin would be straight in after it,

so I switched them round.

He's been drinking the cheap shite all night.

ALL LAUGH

Happy New Year.

ALL: Happy New Year!

# Oh, I got a sheet for my bed And a pillow for my head

# I got a pencil full of lead And some water for my throat

# I've got buttons for my coat and sails on my boat

# So much more than I needed before

# I got money in the meter and a two bar heater

# Now it's getting hotter Oh, it's only getting sweeter

# I got legs on my chairs and a head full of hair

# Pot and a pan And some shoes on my feet

# I got a shelf full of books and most of my teeth

# A few pairs of socks and a door with a lock

# I got food in my belly and a licence for my telly

# And nothing's going to bring me down. #