04/01/2014 Catherine Tate's Nan

This programme contains some strong language

-Can you hear me?

-'Hello, Nan.

-'Turn your head.'

-Turn me head. Bop.

-'I'm over here!'

-He's over there.

-Oh, have a look!

-SHE CACKLES

You're on the telly, love. You're on the telly.

-'I'm on Skype.'

-Oh, Skype Sports?

No, I don't watch that rubbish, love.

-When you going to come up and see me?

-'Not for a while, Nan. I'm in Africa.'

Oh, yeah? Still on your holidays?

'No, I'm volunteering...in Namibia.

'Do you remember? I'm helping build a school for orphans.'

We can all build schools for orphans, love,

but who's going to come and fix my wonky tap?

-'The council?'

-The council? No good bastards!

How's Umbongo?

'Who's Umbongo?'

That friend you keep...banging on about.

-'Ngudu?'

-If you like.

-Ngudu is the group leader, Nan.

-Oh, it's a group thing now, is it?

'Nan, it's really amazing out here.

-'The children can't wait...'

-EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS

-Yeah, love, I get the gist.

Me programme's on now. Ta-ta.

Well, the tap's not been working for ages.

And it's not the first time something's broken.

Mind you, I suppose it's the same everywhere, innit?

You remember Cheryl? You know, round the corner, the one with the head.

Great big square head she had, didn't she? Head like a toaster!

Her husband left her. Yeah. I mean, I can't blame him really.

Must have laid in bed at night staring at her thinking,

"I wonder how many Pop Tarts I could get in that head?"

But, you know, when you think about...

-OVER PHONE:

-'I'm sorry, I don't understand.

'Press star to return to main menu.'

Oh, leave off!

-So, who are ya?

-I'm Alice.

-Yeah. Who sent you?

-The Young and Old Buddy-Up Foundation.

The Young and Old Buddy-Up Foundation.

What's that, then?

Well, it's where young people go and help old people who may need a buddy.

May need a buddy?!

-What you supposed to do then anyway?

-Cheer you up.

Christ! When's that start?

-Want a cup of tea, love?

-No, thanks.

-Have a cup of tea, eh, love?

-Oh, no, really, I'm fine, thank you.

-What, do you want a coffee?

-I don't drink coffee.

No? Well, have a cup of tea, then, eh?

-You'll like a nice cup of tea.

-I don't really like tea.

No? I do.

I do like a cup of tea. Oh, I do like a cup of tea, me!

Love a cup of tea!

Anyone could ask me, "Would you like a cup of tea?" I'd say, "Yeah."

"Yeah, love a cup of tea, me."

Lovely, lovely tea...in a cup.

Love a cup of tea!

Oh! Do you want a cup of tea?

Oh, whatever gave you that idea?!

Course I want a cup of tea!

"Would you like a cup of tea?" I'm sat here gasping in me own house!

Oh, yeah, that tap don't work.

RUMBLING

Oh, hark at that. Can you hear that? That noise?

That'll be that new family. They've been moving in all week.

Crash, bang, wallop! That's all you ever hear, morning, noon and night.

Oh, bang, bang, bang!

I mean, how much stuff do you need?

Oh, they frighten the life out of me.

And the looks they give you on the stairs.

You'd think I'd wiped me arse with one of their cats.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Oh, there are, love. Go on, you get that, will ya? Oh, I don't dare.

-Hello?

-Hello. Hello, Mrs Taylor.

Hello, sweetheart!

-You all moved in?

-Oh, yes, thank you.

Just came to apologise in case there's been any noise.

Has there been any noise?

I ain't heard any.

This is Alice.

She's here to cheer me up.

Due to start any time soon.

Well, just in case, I brought you some lentil dahl and sag aloo.

Oh, what's that?

That...curry, is it?

It's lentil dahl and sag aloo.

Len-dah and sa-loo.

Oh, that's lovely, innit? I shall have a slice of that later.

-See you soon.

-Ta-ta, sweetheart!

-Ta-ta.

NAN GAGS

What a fucking liberty!

Did you see that?!

Did you see that?! I'm lucky I've escaped with me life!

And did you hear her? Did you hear her?

"See you soon?" That's a veiled threat if ever I've heard one.

And look at this poison she's give me!

-What shall I do with it?

-Well, don't open it, for gawd's sake!

Never get the smell out the curtains!

Have a look at this mob...

..junkie, layabout,

thief, murderer,

halitosis, fat ankles,

transvestite.

Come on, move along, love!

Ain't you got to go and have a big fat gypsy wedding?

I'm not a gypsy.

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

-73!

-Excuse me, dear, my taps don't work.

73?

Are you talking to me, love?

-Are you 73?

-I'm 75, but this scarf is flattering.

You need to take a ticket from the machine.

Oh, go and get us a ticket, love.

-Now, sit down and wait your turn.

-I'm waiting for me ticket.

-Sit down.

-Here's me ticket.

Congratulations. Now go away and fill out an E-179 form.

I ain't got time to be filling out forms, love.

I've got to get home. I'm on Skype Sports to Africa, you know?

Excuse me, I'm here for a parking permit.

Blimey! What do you drive, a skip?

Madam, read the sign!

"Our employees and visitors

"are entitled to be here without threat of abuse or rude language."

Right. Well...try not to be such a difficult cow, love,

then you wouldn't need a sign.

Eh? Am I right?

Madam, I will call Security.

Security?!

I'm 75 years old! What do you think I'm going to do?

Knit you another sign that says, "Go and fuck yourself!"

Security!

Yeah? Yeah, you call Security, love.

Me and this extremely fat man... will not take this lying down!

And he can barely get up.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave, madam.

No, I'm not leaving! I'm not leaving till me number comes up!

Me and this extremely fat man...

will chain ourselves to the railings.

-My name's Steve!

-Steve...The Extremely Fat Man!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you out.

You'll never get them on him.

Have a look at his wrists, they're the size of legs!

-I'm going to have to restrain YOU.

-What? You've got to be joking!

-I'm afraid not.

-What?!

Look...! Oh...! Oh, my gawd!

-Oh, my gawd, it's me heart! Oh!

-Oh!

-MONITOR BEEPS

-Paddles.

-PADDLES CHARGE

-Clear!

Wait.

Right, then, who wants tea?

Madam, this is a sterile area!

Well, I washed this morning.

Madam, please leave!

Would she like a cup of tea?

Who is this?

I am serving a Community Service Order for disturbing the peace

and simulating a heart attack.

-That is disgraceful!

-Hobnob?

What's all this, then?

Ah.

-Is that your son, is it?

-That's my granddaughter.

Oh.

Shame.

Still, it's a nice frame, innit?

-COMPUTER BEEPS

-Oh! There he is, love.

Here are, put it down there.

-'Hello, Nan.'

-Hello, darling, how are ya?

-Nan, where are you?

-Oh, didn't I tell you, love? I'm up the hospital.

-'No. What is it?'

-Yeah, they've sent me up the hospital, in't they?

-'Why, Nan?'

-Why?

I'm not well.

-'Well, you don't look well, Nan.'

-No. It's just me blood pressure and me...lung.

And me heart. And me other lung.

-How's your holiday?

-'It's not a holiday, Nan.'

How's Kajagoogoo?

'Ngudu is fine, Nan. Look, are you sure you're all right?

-'Can I do anything?'

-No, love, you just enjoy your holiday.

'The thing is, Nan, we're at a really crucial stage.

-'The new filtration system...'

-Nan! Nan, the doctor!

-Yeah, don't keep on, son. Ta-ta.

-Everything all right in here?

-Yes, thank you, love.

Now, Alfie, we can't have you moving about

if you want those bones setting properly.

-Do you understand?

-Well...

-Yeah, I know, have a Rich Tea.

It says, as long as you never threaten anyone at the council again

the matter is closed. However, if you do anything disruptive,

they will add more hours to your service

-and you'll be cleaning toilets this time.

-Oh. Cleaning toilets this time!

What are you still doing here, anyway?

Why aren't you out with your mates?

Dunno, just chose to volunteer.

-Why's that, love?

-Not much to do after school.

-Bullied, are you?

-No.

Is it cos you're ginger?

-No.

-What, the spots?

-No.

-The smell?

-No.

-Well, you've got to hand it to them bullies, love,

they ain't gone for the obvious, have they?

I'm a bit shy.

There's nothing wrong with shy, darling.

No-one likes a loudmouth.

You just remember...to stand up for yourself every now and again

and don't let anyone push you about.

-OK.

-Now get out there and make me a cup of tea

and do the rest of that washing-up.

Now, what's this?

-Is the tap fixed?

-No, course it ain't, love.

No, use the one in the bathroom.

What we got here? "Hairy Bikers go nuts."

-TAP SPLUTTERS

-What...?

SHE CACKLES

SHE CACKLES

Oh! Has that one packed up an' all?

Look at the state of you. It's like you enjoy it!

Come on, I've had enough of all this. Oh!

Come on.

Yeah, it's all right, love, I've learned me lesson.

I ain't going to be no trouble. Go and get us a ticket, Alice, love.

They said if I got any more of that community service lark, I'd have to clear out the khazis.

No, thank ya!

All that hospital food?

People shitting through the eye of a needle?

No fear. No, I have been rehabilitised.

-Oh, hello, sweetheart.

-Oh, hello, Mrs Taylor, how are you today?

Still enjoying my curries?

I 'ave not stopped.

-SHE CACKLES

-What you doing up here, darling?

You looking for a translator?

No. Why would I want a translator?

Would you like a mint?

Happy news. My son is getting married next week

and we want to hire the Community Centre for the party.

Oh. Oh, that's smashing, innit? Good luck to you, love.

-Bye-bye.

-Ta-ta, sweetheart.

That's all I need, innit?

A wedding! There'll be mobs of people staying up her flat.

There'll be an elephant blocking the corridor for a start.

And you saw what happened on Blue Peter -

I mean, who's going to clear that up?!

Not me! I've already done one lot of community service.

NAN SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

Innit hot?

Oh, innit hot, eh?

Oh, I am hot!

You hot, love?

You've got to be hot. I mean, it stands to reason, don't it?

I mean, if I'm hot...you've got to be roasting, ain't ya?

You've got to be roasting. I mean, I don't know how you do it, darling, I really don't!

I'd be sick, I'd be so hot.

I would. I'd be sat here...spewing.

I'd have a bilious attack, then I'd be sick, I would be so hot!

-BUZZER

-Number 485.

Oh, here are, that's me.

Anyway, hope you catch a breeze, darling.

She's got a point, it is hot.

Good afternoon.

-Have you filled out your forms?

-I have, love.

Did you take the correct forms in the corresponding colours?

Yes, I did, dear.

I have a numbered ticket of which number you have just called out.

I filled out a form from the red section

and I sat in the blue section.

I've done everything you asked me to do,

now...could someone please fix my bastard taps?

Right, Mrs Taylor, we've processed all your forms

and I'm afraid to say that, unfortunately,

it is not a priority case.

Not a priority case?! I'm 75 years old!

Nonetheless, you're in good health, you live alone...

What you talking about?!

My granddaughter, Alice, lives with me now!

So you have another person to help you around the house?

Well, she's no help, she's useless.

And...blind.

-Blind?!

-Yeah.

Say hello, Alice.

-Poor blind Alice.

-What?!

-She's not blind.

-She is!

-Why's she holding a book?

-That's mine.

Percy Jackson And The Lightning Thief? You're reading that?

Yes, I am.

"It's perfectly paced with electrifying moments

"that chase each other like heartbeats.

"The New York Times."

She's not blind, Mrs Taylor. We can all see she's not blind.

Well, she can't!

May I remind you, Mrs Taylor,

that impersonating someone with a disability is a crime.

You calling her a liar?!

My poor blind, ginger Alice?!

There is no way this girl is blind!

Of course she's blind! If she weren't blind,

she'd duck.

You see? You all right, love?

-Security, please!

-Oh, leave off!

-I can't see!

-Oh, it's no good now, Alice, she don't believe us.

Really, I can't see!

Oh, don't take the piss, love.

Hark at this.

"Dear Deirdre, I found my husband wearing my underwear

"and I don't know what to do."

Deirdre says, "Your husband is exploring his feminine side,

"support and encourage him on his journey."

What a load of old shit!

-COMPUTER BEEPS

-Oh! Here are, here are, put it on there.

'Nan, are you all right? You look worse.'

I'm all right, darling. You look tired, though, son.

You should come home and get some rest.

'I've been up all night.'

With Agadoodoo?

'Ngudu, yeah.'

Is that shit on your face?

-'It's mud, Nan.'

-That's none of my business, love.

-'We've been building a hut for...'

-When you going to come up and see me?

-You going to come up and see me?

-'Nan, how bad is it?'

-Nan! Nan, the doctor!

-Oh, I'm going!

'What?! Nan?!'

-Where's Alfie?

-Er...he just popped to the toilet, doctor.

He isn't supposed to get out of bed.

I know, doctor, but you know Alfie, he fought in two world wars,

he's too proud to pony on his mattress.

Finished.

Alfie is a very ill man, Mrs Taylor!

You have been grossly negligent

and if there's any relapse in Alfie's condition,

I will hold you entirely responsible.

Thank you very much.

-Can I get back in bed?

-Of course you can, darling.

You can have a nice rest...

just as soon as you make me a nice cup of tea.

SHE CACKLES

Ta-ta.

-Nan?

-Yes, love?

-I'm not going to do this any more.

-Do what?

-I've put in for a transfer.

-I'm going to be working with another lady.

-What?!

-Well, it's just... It's not you.

-Well, I know it's not me.

Of course it's you! It's definitely you!

You keep getting me into trouble. You nearly blinded me and...

you're not very nice.

You told me to stand up for meself.

Yeah, well, good for you.

I don't need you, anyway. Who you going to buddy up with instead?

-Her name's Lizzie Maynard.

-Oh, not old Lizzie Maynard!

Good luck with her, love. What a moaner!

She don't stop banging on about her boiler.

Boiler this, boiler that.

Boiler! Boiler! Boiler!

Have fun with her, love.

-Bye, then.

-Ta-ta!

-Here, Alice.

-Yeah?

We had a laugh, didn't we?

No.

-OVER PHONE:

-'Please state clearly the nature of the repair.'

Me tap.

'Please repeat that.'

Me tap.

'I'm sorry I don't understand "me-tap".'

Me...

bastard...tap!

-'Press zero for more options.'

-Oh!

-'If you are calling regarding recycling, press one.'

-No.

-'If you are calling regarding pest control, press two.'

-No.

'If you are calling because you are Mrs Joannie Taylor,

'please find something else to do with your time and never show your face again at the council office.'

Shove it...

up...your...arse!

Number 561.

-SHE SPEAKS FLATLY:

-Hello.

I am a woman.

I was wondering if you might help me.

The flat what I am currently staying in has a problem with the taps.

And what is your name?

Mrs...

Smith.

Is it?

And what is the current address you're staying at?

10 Devonshire Court.

How interesting, that's where a Mrs Joannie Taylor lives.

With her blind granddaughter, yes.

And according to our records

is no longer allowed within a one-mile radius of this office.

I didn't know that.

Just as well I came instead, then.

I just want to know why you suddenly changed your mind?

-It's the council's decision, not mine!

-But you could help!

What's the matter, sweetheart?

Miss Donnelly says she will not allow my son to get married in the Community Centre

because they're not allowed to have a religious service.

What?! That's disgraceful!

First your wedding, now my taps.

When are you going to get off your bony arse and help us?

I'm not! And I am delighted to say

that this little charade of yours is now officially over.

I have you on camera attempting to commit identity fraud,

engaging in abusive behaviour and contravening your restraining order.

Yeah, and what part of that's against the law?

-All of it.

-Is it? Is it? Right, well, I won't keep you.

Oh, come on, don't be like that!

-How long we known each other, Darren?

-It's Geoff.

Well, it's close enough.

Oh, no, you don't!

You can't get away with this, Ms Donnelly.

Here, what you doing here? I thought you'd left me for old Lizzie Maynard.

Oh, she kept banging on about her boiler.

-I told you, didn't I?

-Excuse me, what is going on here?

You are in contravention of council rules, which stipulate

that all employees must prioritise members of the community over 74

and always treat them with respect.

You've been fucking horrible!

NAN CACKLES

That's Braille, by the way.

Of course I'm horrible!

You try dealing with you scum day in, day out.

I mean, look at you all -

layabout, junkie, thief, murderer,

halitosis, an extremely fat man!

For goodness' sake! My BMI is only slightly above average!

How dare you speak to these wonderful people like that?!

Who do you think you are?!

We are a community!

We are individuals who come together!

ALL: Yes!

Whether Indian,

morbidly obese...

..drag act...

..or Muslim like meself.

We are a community who supports and cares for one another!

-ALL: Yeah!

-Right?

-Yeah!

And if you won't let these fine upstanding people

have a wedding in our Community Centre,

then fuck ya, you miserable old witch,

they can have it back at my flat.

ALL: Yeah!

ALL CHEER

Come on! All back to mine!

# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here

# I've got my beer in the sideboard here

# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here... #

I didn't realise there was this many of you, you're multiplying like a virus.

Right, no, you're not bringing that elephant in here,

what do we do if it needs to go to the lav?

I've already been to the toilet!

Make yourself at home, love.

Here, listen, it's only one onion bhaji per head, all right?

Thank you so much for helping us.

It's all I could do, darling, after all them lovely curries.

Hit it, boys!

-ALL:

-# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here

# I've got my beer in the sideboard here

# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here

-# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round... #

-Nan!

Nan, what is going on? I thought you were on your deathbed?

Oh...

Yeah...

I got better, didn't I?

I left behind a whole school of children who needed help.

Did ya?

Never mind.

Here, while you're here, son, you couldn't have a quick look at my taps, could you?

SHE CACKLES

Hit it, fellas!

-ALL:

-# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here

# I've got my beer in the sideboard here

# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here

# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here

# I've got my beer in the sideboard here

# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here

# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here

# I've got my beer in the sideboard here

# Let your mother sort it out if he comes round here

# I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here

# I've got my beer in the sideboard here... #