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This programme contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:07 | |
# Oh, the weather outside is frightful | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
# But the fire is so delightful | 0:00:10 | 0:00:13 | |
# And since we've no place to go | 0:00:13 | 0:00:16 | |
# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow | 0:00:16 | 0:00:20 | |
# Man, it doesn't show signs of stopping | 0:00:20 | 0:00:24 | |
# And I've brought me some corn for popping | 0:00:24 | 0:00:28 | |
# The lights are turned way down low | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
# Let it snow, let it snow... # | 0:00:31 | 0:00:35 | |
I love you. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
I love you too, ha-ha! | 0:00:38 | 0:00:41 | |
Perfect. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:42 | |
Been the best six months of my life. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
-Hello. Merry Christmas, Roger. -Hey, merry Christmas, Roger. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
Merry Christmas, darlings. Thanks for the wine. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
I think it was the most glorious Rioja I've ever supped! | 0:00:56 | 0:01:00 | |
-Oh, I'm glad you liked it, mate. -Dear boy, I more than liked it! | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
It was super duper wiggly woo! | 0:01:02 | 0:01:05 | |
That's how wine should be described. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
-Legend. -Have a majestic Christmas, chaps. -And you, mate. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
-OK, you too, bye. -Bye. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
God, he's amazing. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
-He's more than amazing. He's groovy woovy dibbly doo. -Ssh! | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
This is going to be the best Christmas ever. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
-I can't wait to meet your family. -Yeah... | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
-Oh, don't start. -I'm not starting. I'm just saying, | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
you need to prepare yourself. They're lunatics, Lise. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
-Everyone thinks their family's mad, OK? How bad can it be? -How bad? | 0:01:29 | 0:01:33 | |
Last year, Mum interrupted the meal by saying, and I quote, | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
"I don't see the point of flavoured condoms. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
"It's not like my fanny can taste." | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
That's what she did. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
She sounds funny. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:43 | |
She is. But not when I'm eating turkey. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
I just feel bad. You could be in Barbados with your parents, | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
-but instead you're going to be in Bamford. -Yeah, with you! | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
Look, it's our first Christmas together. It's going to be amazing. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:03 | |
Now stop moaning. Pig me! | 0:02:03 | 0:02:04 | |
-She's got a point about that condom thing. -Aw, come on! | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
-Yeah! -Tune! -Oh, I love this! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
-# Watch us wreck the mic -# Watch us wreck the mic | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
# Watch us wreck the mic...psyche! | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
# Let's get ready, ready Let's get ready, ready | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
# Let's get ready to rumble | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
# Sit back, cracker jack Don't take no flak | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
# Rhyme in time to the rhythm of the track | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
# I'm Ant, I'm Declan a duo, a twosome | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
# So many lyrics We're frightened to use 'em | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
# So many lyrics We keep 'em in stores | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
# We even got 'em comin' out of our pores | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
-# Your father... -Your mother... -Your sister... -Your brother... | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
# Everyone's got to be an AKA lover | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
# Give us motivation We can cause a sensation | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
# Give us the aspiration We can cause a sensation | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
# Give us girls top speed... # | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
Well, here we are. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:58 | |
This is the bustling metropolis where I grew up. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
See if you can spot which one is my house. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
Could it be, which one? | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:03:10 | 0:03:11 | |
Look at it! It looks like it's been vajazzled. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
SHE GIGGLES | 0:03:14 | 0:03:15 | |
JINGLE BELLS BY CHIPMUNKS PLAYS | 0:03:20 | 0:03:25 | |
HE SIGHS This is it. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
Are you sure you want to do this? | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
-Open the door. -OK. Now, before I do... | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
Oh, God, yes? | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
-What's your opinion on family photos? -I love them. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
Great! SHE LAUGHS | 0:03:38 | 0:03:39 | |
That's my mum and dad. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
Yeah. Doesn't that just scream Christmas? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:56 | |
Dan! Merry bloody Christmas! | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
Oh, welcome, welcome home. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
You must be Lisa. I'm Dave, Dan's dad. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:05 | |
Here you go, here, look, have a go on that. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
No, go on. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:09 | |
Don't get that in London, do you? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
-What are you wearing? -It's my Christmas costume! | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
You look like a pervert elf. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
-He is a pervert elf! Hello, pudding! -Hey, Zorro. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
Oh, shit the bed, Dan, she is gert lush! | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
Oh, hello, Lisa, I'm Sue, Dan's mum. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
-Hi. Oh, hello! -Oh, what an angel! Oh, if were a man I'd ruin you. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:31 | |
-Ruin her? -It's a compliment, she's fantabulous. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
Damn straight. You're punchin' well above your weight there, wonky eyes. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
-What are you wearing? -It's called a onesie. -You look like a beaver. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
You are what you eat, so... | 0:04:41 | 0:04:42 | |
Shouldn't you be dressed as a cock then? | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
Oh, ho-ho! He got you there, dump truck! | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
-JULIE: -Where's my new sister in law? | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
-Hello Lisa, I'm Julie, sweet. -Nice to meet you. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
Can I have an Eskimo kiss? | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
-He loves it. -I don't love it. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
Oh, my God, you're so cute. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
I could just eat you. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:02 | |
-Whey-oh-ey! -No. -What? -Trev, Bert. Lisa's here. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:06 | |
What's your star sign? | 0:05:06 | 0:05:07 | |
-Oh, come on, Julie. -Ssh! What's your star sign? | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
-Taurus. -Huh! Oh, my God. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
Dan's an Aries, you're a Taurus, that's a match made in heaven. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:16 | |
Cos his ex was a Pisces | 0:05:16 | 0:05:17 | |
and that was never going to work, was it, Mum? | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Never. When was the last time you seen a ram hanging out with a fish? | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
-Noah's ark? -Grow up, Dan. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
-Ooh, Trev. This is my husband, Trevor. -All right? Trev. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:29 | |
And this is our son, Bertie. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
-Do you like magic? -Yeah. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
Well, step this way! | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
Madame, where is the ball? | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
Just give him five minutes. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:10 | |
-Ooh... -Sorry. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
Oh, I can't believe you drove all the way from London, Lise. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:16 | |
I couldn't do it. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
I literally can't think of anything more terrifying | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
than driving in London. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
What if... | 0:06:23 | 0:06:24 | |
you had a dream about eating a pie and when you woke up... | 0:06:24 | 0:06:30 | |
you had eaten your hand? | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
Hm. Geminis. He's very... | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
So, what's the plan for tonight? | 0:06:40 | 0:06:41 | |
Oh, me and Lisa are going down the Bull. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
Quiet drink...just the two of us. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:46 | |
Great idea. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:48 | |
DAN'S MUM LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
And, after that, he never swam for the school again, did you, love? | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
Honestly, Lise, you've never seen diarrhoea like it. Oh! | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
Dave, Dave, Dave. Show Lisa that picture of Dan when he was younger. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:04 | |
Got it here, yeah. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
-Think - you could have been in Barbados. -There you go. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
-Why are you naked? -Oh, he wouldn't wear clothes. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:12 | |
He always had that one hand on his tinkle, didn't he, Dave? | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
We thought we had a problem child - he give it a name! | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
-I was four years old! -Bloody grabbing at it. "Look, dad, it's Keith!" | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
-Keith! -I call mine Vesuvius. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
Yeah, cos it's fuckin' dormant. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
Ooh - got you there, Jakey! | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
At least mine never got bitten by a swan! | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
-Oh, my God, you remember that? -Oh, my God, Dan. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
We were feeding ducks in the park, Lise, and a swan got hold of Keith. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
Remember, do you? He wrote a letter to the Queen, Lise. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
TOGETHER: "Dear Liz, one of your swans bit my widger." | 0:07:39 | 0:07:44 | |
I do love Christmas. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:50 | |
I know it sounds mad, but it's times like this I'm glad Jesus died. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:55 | |
What? He was born at Christmas. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
Right, my round. Come on, Dan, give us a hand at the bar. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
-Get Jake to go. -You go, Dan. We'll look after Lise. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:04 | |
So, hm, Lise - do you think you'll get married? | 0:08:05 | 0:08:09 | |
I'll take that as a yes! | 0:08:10 | 0:08:11 | |
See, the trick is, never ignore your legs. See? | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
That's where you build all your explosive power. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
Dad, are you all right? Dad... | 0:08:21 | 0:08:22 | |
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a bit of heartburn. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
Oh, don't be such a fanny. Right, Lois, how much is that? | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
A lot of people don't go for it these days, Lise, | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
but what can I tell you? I believe in tradition. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
I just think if you're going to have a hen night, | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
you've got to have a stripper. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
-Crisp? -Er, no, thanks. -Julie? | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
No, Mum, I'm on a diet. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
-JAKE: -All right, which one of you wankers is up for a drinking game? | 0:08:44 | 0:08:47 | |
-Yes! -DAD: -Good thinking there, Jakey. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
Right, so you eat a spoonful of sweet corn, then you drink a pint of | 0:08:49 | 0:08:53 | |
Guinness and the winner is whoever poos out the longest bumblebee. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
How are you still single? | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
How are YOU still single? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
-Hi. -All right? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
Uh, well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:10 | |
HE OOHS | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
Lovely, lovely, lovely. Merry Christmas, you beautiful buggers! | 0:09:14 | 0:09:18 | |
-How you doin'? Dan, how are you? -Hello, mate, how are you? | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
-Hang on, hang on. Let's do it properly. -OK, OK. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
BOTH: Ooh, ooh, ooh - wahey! | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
You look fantastic, mate. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:28 | |
-So do you, man. There she is. -You must be Lisa. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
-Yeah, hi. -Nice to meet you. I'm Mark, Dan's oldest friend. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
I'll tell you this, Lise, you've picked an absolute legend. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
Let me say this, right? | 0:09:37 | 0:09:38 | |
God, as my witness, this man... | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
-only man I'd have a threesome with. -Never going to happen. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
-Never say never. -I'm saying never. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
-You can't rule these things out. -I can. -You don't know what's happening in the future, do you? | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
-It's not that. -We agree to disagree. Anyway, I'd love to stay and chat | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
but I'm on a promise with Ethel. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
(Is that Dave Bolton's mum?) | 0:09:56 | 0:09:57 | |
No. It's his nan. Ta-ta. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
-Dirty bugger. -He's all right. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
He's probably off making another one of these pornos. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
Nothing wrong with home-made erotica, Trev. Me and Sue have made | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
some absolute classics down the years, haven't we love, eh? | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
Cheese and onion flavour, yeah. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:15 | |
Not like this. I heard, he made a porno so disgusting | 0:10:15 | 0:10:21 | |
that whoever sees it goes mad. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
-Bollocks. -And he lost it. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
That video is out there... | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
somewhere. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
-You know Cheryl from the bakery? -Yeah. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
Her dog accidentally saw Mark's porno. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
The next day... | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
the dog committed suicide. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:40 | |
-How does a dog kill itself? -Threw itself under a bus. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
-Maybe he just got run over. -No! -Oh. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
Wayne the bin man reckons | 0:10:46 | 0:10:47 | |
it was the first time he'd ever seen roadkill with a boner. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:51 | |
Right, let's get on it! | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
One each of those little puppies, here you go. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:59 | |
Oh, lovely. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:00 | |
Just one last one. One, two, three. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
-ALL: -Ugh! | 0:11:04 | 0:11:05 | |
What is in that, Dad? | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
Oh, Lise, did I ever tell you about the time, I caught Dan | 0:11:07 | 0:11:11 | |
dressing up as Mariah Carey? | 0:11:11 | 0:11:12 | |
I remember, yeah! | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
-ALL: -# All I want for Christmas is you! # | 0:11:17 | 0:11:21 | |
Merry Christmas. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
Merry Christmas. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
-Oh. Merry Christmas, Keith! -Keith's asleep. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
-No, Keith's not asleep. -Yeah, he's dead. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
Dan... | 0:11:45 | 0:11:46 | |
-Your parents are crazy. -I did say, didn't I? | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
MUFFLED EXCITED VOICES | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
Oh, my God, is that your parents? | 0:11:54 | 0:11:56 | |
-Yeah. Do your parents not do this at Christmas? -No! No! | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
-Yeah, Christmas gang bang. -No! No! Oh, my God! | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
I can think of no finer moment than this to give you your present. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:06 | |
-Ah! What is it? -Merry Christmas. I'm not telling you, am I? | 0:12:06 | 0:12:10 | |
MUFFLED SEX NOISES AND BANGING | 0:12:10 | 0:12:14 | |
Are you taking me to Paris? | 0:12:15 | 0:12:16 | |
Indeed I am. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:17 | |
Dan! Thank you, I'm so happy. Mwah! | 0:12:17 | 0:12:21 | |
VOICES BECOME LOUDER, BANGING BECOMES QUICKER | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
You're not the only one. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
NOISES STOP | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
-I feel bad now cos I didn't get you anything. -Huh? | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
Oh, you sneaky wench! | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
It's not quite Paris tickets. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
Let's have a look. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:35 | |
-Guitar lessons, that's amazing! -You like that, do you? | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
Yeah, of course I do! Come here, that's brilliant. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
-KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS -Whoa, OK, hello. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
Come on you two, we're opening our presents. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
Sounds like you've already opened yours, mother. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
PHONE JINGLE: # Ass so hot, can I jiggle your titties... # | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
Oh, oh, bloody... Jake! He's changed my ringtone. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
I...I...I don't know how to fix it. Ha-ha-ha! | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
Come on, I've got you some great Christmas jumpers. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:58 | |
-LAUGHTER -What do you think? I made them myself. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
He's got the same eyes as you. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:05 | |
-What about yours? -That's nothing, check out Nan's! | 0:13:05 | 0:13:09 | |
Hers looks like it's being gang banged. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:12 | |
Gang banged? What's that? | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
-Uncle Dan, pick a card! -OK, right. There you go. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:18 | |
-Don't tell me what it is, just concentrate on the card. -OK. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
It's the...nine of diamonds. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
Oh, sorry, Bertie. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
Poor bugger. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
THEY GASP | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
Da-dum. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Oh, my God, Trev, what happened? | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
This is my present. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
I've given him a different haircut every day for Christmas. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
Oh, that is a truly thoughtful present, Julie. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:51 | |
It's nice. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:52 | |
Sweet piss, Trev, did someone take a shit on your head? | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
Ha! | 0:13:56 | 0:13:57 | |
Dad! | 0:13:59 | 0:14:00 | |
-Doh, Dave. -What? | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
PHONE JINGLE: # Ass so hot, can I jingle your titties... # | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
Oh, Jakey! | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
CHATTER | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
HE BURPS LOUDLY | 0:14:15 | 0:14:16 | |
-That was a good one. -Amazing! | 0:14:16 | 0:14:17 | |
Wouldn't mind a few of them. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
-'Ere, Lise, how old do you think I am? -Oh-ho-ho! | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Go on, have a guess. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
Dunno, 60? | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
-I'm 52. -Ah, brilliant. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
I tell you what, Lise, you've got a lovely figure. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
-It's nice and meaty. -Meaty? Mum... | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
That's a compliment! Most of your girlfriends have been like rakes. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
-Yeah. -It's nice to see someone with a nice bit of flesh on her. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
-Exactly, you're very, um, womanly. -Yeah. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
Womanly, that's it, that's what men like, isn't it, Dave? | 0:14:49 | 0:14:52 | |
Something they can grab hold of. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:53 | |
Bloody right. I can slap your mum's arse, go and get a cup of tea | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
and when I come back, it's still wobbling. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
Some of Dan's exes have been like sticks. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:02 | |
-Do you remember Jenny? Do you remember Jenny? -Oh, Jenny! | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
-Why are we bringing her up? -We've got a picture of her somewhere! | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
-Sit down, you're being rude! -Here it is. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
-There you go. -How about we don't dwell on the past... | 0:15:11 | 0:15:15 | |
Oh, I can't believe you ripped that picture. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
..and just have a lovely Christmas meal? | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
I'm just saying. You obviously take after your dad. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
-He likes a bit of booty an' all. -Guilty! | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
-BURPS -I'm more of a tit man myself. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:29 | |
-Well, her tits are great too! -Ooh, yeah. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
-Mum! -They are lovely. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:32 | |
I have a thing about noses. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
This is the perfect Christmas, isn't it? | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
Your mum's calling me fat... | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
your brother's staring at my tits | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
-and now I have to meet the rest of your family. -I'm sorry. | 0:15:56 | 0:16:00 | |
-Do we have to go? -You know I do. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
I haven't seen Uncle Tony since he got the all clear. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
-We should have gone to Barbados. -Well, I did say. -And who is Jenny? | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
-Oh, come on. -Why haven't you told me about her before? | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
Cos she was a girl I went out with for, like, a month when I was 19. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
Then, why have they got a photograph of her? | 0:16:16 | 0:16:17 | |
I don't know, why does Mum call Google, Goggle? | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
She clearly adores you. It's just... she doesn't know how to show it. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:24 | |
Come on, we'll go to Tony's for an hour...max. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
We'll find a nice quiet spot, just you and me... | 0:16:27 | 0:16:31 | |
and Keith. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
Come on. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
It'll be super duper wiggly woo. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
-Just don't leave me on my own with them. -I won't. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
To be honest, I doubt they'll even bother with us. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
LOUD MUSIC PLAYING | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
So, as I was saying, Lisa, when are you two getting married? | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
-Oh, Jade, not you as well? -Well, you're not getting any younger, | 0:16:55 | 0:16:59 | |
especially if you want to have kids. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:00 | |
You don't want to leave it too long, | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
-or they'll come out all Forrest Gump! -What does that even mean? | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
Buongiorno, princesses. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
I bring four glasses of champagne for four delectable ladies. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:13 | |
Oh, you know, you lovely poppets are going to have to tell me your secret | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
because, I swear to Christ, you're all getting younger. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
-We are talking marriage, Tone. -Best thing I ever did. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
Oh, darling. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:25 | |
Listen, my angels, I'm just going to take Dan off for a bit. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
-You don't mind, do you, Lise? -Course she doesn't, sweetheart. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
-Oh, maybe in a bit, Tone, me and Lisa are just going to chill out... -Hey! Come on Dan! If my ba... | 0:17:33 | 0:17:37 | |
..my battle with the nut cancer has taught me anything, | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
it's that there's no time like the present, so, come on... | 0:17:42 | 0:17:46 | |
indulge an old man. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:47 | |
-Drinking in the shots, are we, Dan? -Yeah. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
I used to have a lovely one of Rolf here, but, that had to burn. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:09 | |
-Right, come on, Milkie! -Where are we going? -You'll see. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:13 | |
The million dollar question, Lisa - is he the one? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:17 | |
-I think, um... -When you know, you know. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
Me and Doug got married after two months. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:24 | |
-I never met a man like him. -Yeah. -And you were pregnant. -Yeah. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:29 | |
Oh... I have an amazing idea. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
Come on, Lisa, come with me, come on, follow me, girl. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
-There you go, come on. -What you gonna do? -Come on, come with me. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:39 | |
Wait for me. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:40 | |
Let me give you some advice. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
My fucking wife and those rancid old crows in there | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
are filling Lisa's head full of all sorts of shit. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
I'm here to tell you right now, Daniel, you never get married. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:55 | |
-How many times are we going to do this? -When you're single, | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
life is a buffet. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
Marriage...marriage is a microwave meal, Dan. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
Oh sure, of course it's hot at the beginning, | 0:19:04 | 0:19:07 | |
but, you dig a little deeper, and it's cold. Real cold. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:12 | |
How many of those have you had? | 0:19:12 | 0:19:13 | |
What I'm saying is, Dan, never settle. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
How am I settling? Lisa's amazing! | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
She's all right. Let's not talk silly. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
-What I wouldn't do to be single again. -Oh... | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
I don't know if I ever told you, but in the '80s, I was, er... | 0:19:24 | 0:19:27 | |
quite the cocksman. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
We're really going to have another story about you and Keith Chegwin? | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
I remember once, I was round at Cheggers' house at a party, | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
fuckin' bangin' it was. I managed to talk two girls into bed... | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
with nothing more than a Slinky. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
Hm, they were Latvian. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
They thought I was a wizard. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
Great chattin', Tone. Doubtless we shall do this again next year. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:57 | |
Stick to the buffet, Dan. Stick to the buffet! | 0:19:57 | 0:20:01 | |
Jesus! | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
-Oi, Trev, you seen Lisa? -No. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
Oh! You do know who is here though, don't you? It's Jenny. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:14 | |
-(What the hell is she doing here?) -I don't know... | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
-Would you like a hug? -No, I don't want... -No, he doesn't want a hug. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
GASPS | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
What did I tell you, that is a perfect fit! | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
-Oh, my darling. -You look lush! | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
-Sue, go and get a camera, let's get some pics. -Great idea! | 0:20:34 | 0:20:38 | |
You look absolutely beautiful. Turn around. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
-Oh, darling... -You look lush! -Oh, my God, look at her ass in that. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
-Oh, he's going to enjoy popping the cherry on that. -Oh, yes. -Oh, yeah. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:48 | |
GRUNTING | 0:20:50 | 0:20:51 | |
Hold that lot there. That's the crab. Both of you. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:55 | |
-Oh, wow! You all right? -Yeah, I'm all right. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
Sometimes when you clench your abs, you can pull a little intercostal. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:02 | |
No, Kelly, I'm on a diet. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
Here, Ju, I don't understand. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
-Mark's porno, does it only affect dogs? -No. Nathan Watkins seen it. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:14 | |
Last I heard, he was in Waitrose car park, | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
-trying to chew off his own face. -Oh... Waitrose. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:21 | |
Mum, Mum... Where's Lisa? | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
She's upstairs trying on Jade's wedding dress. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
What? What part of "look after her" didn't you understand? | 0:21:27 | 0:21:31 | |
-What's Jenny doing here? -Jade knows her from Zumba. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
Well, get rid of her. If Lisa sees her, she's going to go mental. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:37 | |
Get rid of her. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:38 | |
-You all right, Suze? -It's Dan, he's so tense. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:52 | |
-You're telling me. -I just want him to have fun. -Same here. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
If only there were some kind of magic potion to cheer him up. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
Ah... Now we're talking, Suze. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
-What? -"Oh, what?" she says. Don't worry, Suze, I understand. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:10 | |
"He just needs a magic potion to cheer him up"(!) | 0:22:10 | 0:22:13 | |
-What are you talking about? -Clever. Denial. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:17 | |
Don't worry Suze, I've got it covered. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:22 | |
Ooh! | 0:22:22 | 0:22:23 | |
-So, I think we'll just nip this in a bit in the back. -That cleavage. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
-KNOCKING Lisa? Are you OK? -Yes, come in! | 0:22:54 | 0:22:58 | |
He can't come in, it's bad luck! Are you insane? | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
She'll be out in a minute, you go and enjoy yourself. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
-All right, gaylord? -How am I a gaylord? | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
-You just threw imaginary spunk at me. -Yeah, you loved it. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
-What? -Permission to come aboard. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:34 | |
Tony, I don't want to hear about how you got sucked off | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
cos of a game of Buckaroo. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
Hey, hush, hush. I come bearing an apology. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:42 | |
I'm sorry about all the wedding stuff, Dan. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
-Truce? -Go on, then. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
Yeah. Good girl. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
-Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas, Tone. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
So do you want to hear a mucky story about Sinitta? | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
-Not really. -Why not? | 0:24:07 | 0:24:08 | |
Get every angle, brilliant, well done. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:12 | |
Come on gorgeous, smile. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:13 | |
-It's good from every angle, isn't it? -I think we've got enough now. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
-Let's get her in the bed, looking seductive! -Yes! | 0:24:16 | 0:24:20 | |
-Come on, then. -You'll look lovely on that black silk. -On all fours. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:26 | |
You're going to look absolutely fantastic, there you go. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:29 | |
Arch your back... | 0:24:29 | 0:24:30 | |
MUSIC: Firestarter by Torre Florim | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
Go on, hit me as hard as you can. Come on, I won't feel a thing! | 0:25:01 | 0:25:05 | |
# Ta-dah... # | 0:25:07 | 0:25:09 | |
Come on, Lisa, nice and trampy now. Go on, get... | 0:25:18 | 0:25:22 | |
Yeah, stick your tongue out, Lise. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
That's the stuff, that's the stuff. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
-Really slutty. -On all fours. Make some of them noises. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
Uh, uh, uh, you taste so good! | 0:25:33 | 0:25:37 | |
HE GIBBERS | 0:25:37 | 0:25:38 | |
He's perked up a bit. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:45 | |
Cheggers did say they had some kick. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
And this...is what I wore for the honeymoon. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
CAMERA CLICKS | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
-Please don't make me wear that. -KNOCKING | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
Lise? You better come down. Dan's acting really strange. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:16 | |
I got that. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:18 | |
MANIACAL LAUGH | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
INDISTINCT | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
MUSIC: Firestarter by Torre Florim continues | 0:26:52 | 0:26:56 | |
"FIRESTARTER" REPLACED BY PARTY MUSIC | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
HE GROANS WITH PLEASURE | 0:27:15 | 0:27:16 | |
Jesus! Who keeps doing that? | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
-Still no answer, love? -Oh, why'd you let her leave? | 0:27:54 | 0:27:57 | |
She was so upset, Dan, and you were | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
licking that bald man's head again...and she just slipped away. | 0:28:00 | 0:28:04 | |
Somebody must have spiked my drink. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:05 | |
I honestly thought I was kissing Lisa. | 0:28:05 | 0:28:08 | |
What was that look? What happened? | 0:28:08 | 0:28:12 | |
I was chatting to Uncle Tony, love, | 0:28:14 | 0:28:17 | |
and I happened to mention that you were a bit stressed... | 0:28:17 | 0:28:22 | |
-Which you were, Dan. -Yeah. -Yeah. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:25 | |
..and I think he misunderstood | 0:28:25 | 0:28:27 | |
-and he might have put some stuff in your drink. -It was you? | 0:28:27 | 0:28:32 | |
I'm so sorry, love. | 0:28:32 | 0:28:34 | |
What the FUCK did you do that for?! | 0:28:34 | 0:28:38 | |
I'm so sorry, love, I was just trying to be helpful... | 0:28:38 | 0:28:41 | |
-Help? You've ruined my life! -I'm so sorry, Dan! Where are you going? | 0:28:41 | 0:28:45 | |
Mum, get your hands off me! | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
-Oi! Don't you dare talk to your mother like that! -Fuck you! | 0:28:47 | 0:28:49 | |
Get out of my house! Get out! | 0:28:49 | 0:28:52 | |
SHE SOBS | 0:28:57 | 0:28:59 | |
Think the toilet's broken again, Mum, | 0:29:02 | 0:29:05 | |
I just shat out a massive bumblebee. | 0:29:05 | 0:29:07 | |
Cheers, Trev. | 0:29:11 | 0:29:13 | |
'Hi, this is Lisa, please leave a message.' | 0:29:24 | 0:29:27 | |
Lise, please call me back, right, it wasn't my fault, they drugged me. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:31 | |
I'm at the station now, I'll be home in about three hours. | 0:29:31 | 0:29:34 | |
I love you so much. | 0:29:36 | 0:29:38 | |
Right, so that's single to Exeter, all right, thank you. | 0:29:43 | 0:29:48 | |
-Single to London, please. -When are you planning on returning? | 0:29:48 | 0:29:51 | |
I'm not, I just need a single to London. | 0:29:51 | 0:29:52 | |
Right, well, it's just as cheap getting a return. | 0:29:52 | 0:29:55 | |
We got super saver, | 0:29:55 | 0:29:57 | |
we got a super-super saver, we got a range of loyalty savers... | 0:29:57 | 0:30:00 | |
Look, I'm in a bit of a rush. | 0:30:00 | 0:30:02 | |
Can I just have a single to London, please? | 0:30:02 | 0:30:04 | |
Abusive language will not be tolerated, sir. | 0:30:06 | 0:30:08 | |
I'm not being abusive, am I? I just need to get to London. | 0:30:08 | 0:30:11 | |
-Well, being rude to me ain't going to help, is it? -I'm not being... | 0:30:11 | 0:30:15 | |
It would be rude if I said, "Get me a fucking ticket to fucking London!" | 0:30:15 | 0:30:18 | |
But I haven't done that, I just want a single to London. | 0:30:18 | 0:30:20 | |
Come on, I'm having the worst day of my life. | 0:30:20 | 0:30:23 | |
I'm sorry, just... | 0:30:23 | 0:30:24 | |
-OVER PA SYSTEM: -Can I have station security to the front desk, please? | 0:30:29 | 0:30:32 | |
MOBILE PHONE RINGS | 0:30:32 | 0:30:35 | |
Lisa, are you OK? | 0:30:35 | 0:30:37 | |
Lisa, are you all right? | 0:30:40 | 0:30:41 | |
'No. No, I'm not OK.' | 0:30:43 | 0:30:46 | |
I'm so sorry, love. I know this is going to sound like | 0:30:46 | 0:30:48 | |
absolute bullshit, but I swear, on my mum's life, | 0:30:48 | 0:30:52 | |
I honestly thought I was kissing you. | 0:30:52 | 0:30:55 | |
-'Dan...' -Uncle Tony spiked my drink. | 0:30:55 | 0:30:57 | |
'Dan, you cheated on me.' | 0:30:57 | 0:30:59 | |
'You cheated on me in front of your whole family and made me | 0:31:00 | 0:31:02 | |
'look like an idiot.' | 0:31:02 | 0:31:04 | |
Look, just let me come home, I can fix this. | 0:31:05 | 0:31:07 | |
'I don't want you to come home.' | 0:31:07 | 0:31:10 | |
What? What does that mean? You... | 0:31:10 | 0:31:12 | |
Are you breaking up with me? | 0:31:12 | 0:31:13 | |
'I just need some time to think.' | 0:31:15 | 0:31:17 | |
Don't put... Please, Lisa, don't put the phone down, please don't. | 0:31:18 | 0:31:21 | |
Pl... | 0:31:21 | 0:31:23 | |
# I have nothing | 0:31:30 | 0:31:33 | |
# I love no-one | 0:31:33 | 0:31:37 | |
# Are words that you whisper in my mind | 0:31:37 | 0:31:44 | |
# To someone I don't know | 0:31:44 | 0:31:48 | |
# To someone I don't know | 0:31:48 | 0:31:51 | |
# To someone | 0:31:51 | 0:31:53 | |
# So walk with me | 0:31:55 | 0:31:59 | |
# On this new spring morning | 0:31:59 | 0:32:02 | |
# I'll walk you till your fears are numb | 0:32:02 | 0:32:07 | |
# I need your light in my life | 0:32:09 | 0:32:13 | |
# Need your light in my life | 0:32:13 | 0:32:16 | |
# Need your light | 0:32:16 | 0:32:19 | |
# So come back to me | 0:32:20 | 0:32:23 | |
# My darling, come back to me... # | 0:32:23 | 0:32:30 | |
Hiya. | 0:32:30 | 0:32:32 | |
# I'd do anything to be at your side | 0:32:33 | 0:32:39 | |
# I'd be anyone to be at your side | 0:32:41 | 0:32:46 | |
# I need your light in my life | 0:32:48 | 0:32:50 | |
# Need your light in my life | 0:32:51 | 0:32:55 | |
# Need your light. # | 0:32:55 | 0:32:57 | |
Another cup of tea there for you. | 0:33:05 | 0:33:07 | |
Come on, mate, been moping around here for two days now. | 0:33:07 | 0:33:11 | |
Let's go out. Guys' night out! | 0:33:11 | 0:33:13 | |
Yeah, couple of lads down the pub, no women, | 0:33:13 | 0:33:16 | |
just two blokes putting the world to rights. | 0:33:16 | 0:33:20 | |
We won't have one mention of Lisa. | 0:33:20 | 0:33:21 | |
All right. | 0:33:24 | 0:33:25 | |
Lisa, Lisa, Lisa! | 0:33:25 | 0:33:27 | |
Such a pretty name. | 0:33:29 | 0:33:30 | |
HE BELCHES | 0:33:37 | 0:33:39 | |
-Same again. -Let's make this the last round, hey, mate? | 0:33:39 | 0:33:41 | |
No, let's get some more in, eh? Having the time of our life. | 0:33:41 | 0:33:44 | |
So what's all this I hear about your porno killing a dog? | 0:33:47 | 0:33:50 | |
That dog died of natural causes! | 0:33:50 | 0:33:52 | |
Hi, this is Lisa, please leave a message. | 0:33:54 | 0:33:57 | |
Just pick up the phone, please. I just want to hear your voice, please. | 0:33:57 | 0:34:02 | |
Dan, what the hell are you doing? Give that here! | 0:34:02 | 0:34:05 | |
What's the one thing I told you to never do when you're drunk? | 0:34:05 | 0:34:09 | |
-Have a strangle wank? -No, the other one. -I don't know, mate. | 0:34:09 | 0:34:13 | |
-You never drunk dial, Dan. -But I'm broke, mate. I don't know what to do. | 0:34:13 | 0:34:17 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa... What you doing? Come on! | 0:34:17 | 0:34:20 | |
Not here, mate, come on, you're not in London now. | 0:34:20 | 0:34:23 | |
Up you come, up you come. Come on, come here. | 0:34:23 | 0:34:26 | |
Let's just go back to mine, we'll have a cup of coffee, | 0:34:26 | 0:34:28 | |
-play a bit of Fifa. -All I want to do is just stay here and get pissed. | 0:34:28 | 0:34:31 | |
Dan, listen to me, what kind of friend would I be if I just...? | 0:34:31 | 0:34:35 | |
All right! One more drink. The things I do for you. | 0:34:40 | 0:34:45 | |
-Thanks, mate. -That's all right, yeah. | 0:34:45 | 0:34:47 | |
When I met her, everything changed. | 0:34:49 | 0:34:52 | |
When she smiled at me... | 0:34:55 | 0:34:56 | |
..it was like the whole world was smiling at me. | 0:34:59 | 0:35:01 | |
Oh, yeah, that's it, that's it! | 0:35:05 | 0:35:08 | |
-You're amazing, you're absolutely amazing! -I know! | 0:35:08 | 0:35:10 | |
Oh, yes. | 0:35:10 | 0:35:11 | |
Deirdre, how much longer you going to be? | 0:35:11 | 0:35:14 | |
Oh, yes! Oh, it's a bonanza! | 0:35:14 | 0:35:18 | |
Part of me's died. Like my soul has split in two. | 0:35:18 | 0:35:22 | |
Yes, that is amazing, that is absolutely amazing! | 0:35:25 | 0:35:28 | |
I'm a lucky boy, I'm a lucky boy. | 0:35:28 | 0:35:30 | |
Cath! The taxi's on its way! | 0:35:30 | 0:35:34 | |
Oh, double trouble. I'm a lucky boy, innit? Lovely, lovely. | 0:35:34 | 0:35:39 | |
Ooh, you're perfect. Don't you change. | 0:35:39 | 0:35:41 | |
Oh... God. | 0:35:44 | 0:35:47 | |
HE SNIFFS | 0:35:47 | 0:35:49 | |
-See you later, ladies. -Bye, lover. | 0:35:51 | 0:35:53 | |
You were fantastic. Grrrr! Stay naughty. Ciao, ciao. | 0:35:53 | 0:35:58 | |
What a night! You feeling better? | 0:36:00 | 0:36:04 | |
Oh, yeah. Watching you bone dinner ladies really sorted me out. | 0:36:04 | 0:36:07 | |
Well, don't knock it till you try it, Dan. | 0:36:07 | 0:36:09 | |
Good thing about dinner ladies - not afraid to give you seconds. | 0:36:09 | 0:36:12 | |
-What? -You should have joined in, mate. -Mate, they've got bus passes. | 0:36:12 | 0:36:16 | |
Yeah, both of which went up my ass. | 0:36:16 | 0:36:18 | |
How is that bragging? | 0:36:18 | 0:36:20 | |
HE HUMS TUNE | 0:36:21 | 0:36:23 | |
Hello, Mum? Ca... calm down. Ca... Mum? I can't... | 0:36:32 | 0:36:36 | |
Calm down. What? His heart? Oh, God! Yeah, I'm coming. | 0:36:36 | 0:36:42 | |
I'm coming straight away. I've got to go. | 0:36:42 | 0:36:45 | |
Bye, Dan. Right, breakfast. Lovely. | 0:36:50 | 0:36:54 | |
Where is he? | 0:36:56 | 0:36:58 | |
-SOBBING: -Oh, Dan, they think he might die. | 0:36:58 | 0:37:01 | |
Don't say that, don't say that. come on. Where is he? | 0:37:01 | 0:37:04 | |
-Where is he? -He's at the vet's. -What? The vet's? | 0:37:04 | 0:37:09 | |
He's been in surgery. | 0:37:09 | 0:37:12 | |
-Oh, God, I thought it was you! -No! | 0:37:12 | 0:37:14 | |
-Oh, Dad! -It's all right! I'm all right. | 0:37:14 | 0:37:17 | |
-Oh, God, Dad. -It's all right, Dan. It's all right. | 0:37:17 | 0:37:19 | |
-Don't worry. -I'm so sorry, Dad. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:22 | |
-Oh, it's all right. How are you? You all right? -Yeah. -You OK? -Yeah. | 0:37:22 | 0:37:29 | |
-So, what's the latest? -They reckon it's going to be 50/50. -50/50! | 0:37:32 | 0:37:38 | |
-Oh, Mum. -Poor little bugger. -Dad. | 0:37:38 | 0:37:43 | |
Come here, you. Come here. Come on. | 0:37:43 | 0:37:47 | |
It'll be all right. | 0:37:47 | 0:37:50 | |
Aw... | 0:37:56 | 0:37:57 | |
Oh, Ma, look at this one. | 0:37:59 | 0:38:04 | |
Oh, my God. Let's see. | 0:38:04 | 0:38:07 | |
-What? -I remember that. | 0:38:08 | 0:38:11 | |
Oh, is that my last day of school? | 0:38:11 | 0:38:14 | |
Silly bugger. Ate a whole plate of sausages | 0:38:14 | 0:38:17 | |
and had the shits for a week. | 0:38:17 | 0:38:19 | |
What's this? Zorro the Wonderdog? | 0:38:19 | 0:38:23 | |
Oh, my God, Mum, you kept it! | 0:38:23 | 0:38:25 | |
Oh, my God, oh, Ma, put it on, oh, put it on, yeah... | 0:38:25 | 0:38:28 | |
I won't spoil it. | 0:38:31 | 0:38:32 | |
Oh, Dan. | 0:38:37 | 0:38:39 | |
CHILD'S VOICE: A Dan Coleman production. | 0:38:39 | 0:38:43 | |
Starring Zorro the Wonderdog! | 0:38:43 | 0:38:48 | |
It's quite clever, though, that, you know. | 0:38:48 | 0:38:51 | |
Why is he so wonderful, you ask? | 0:38:51 | 0:38:53 | |
Well, what other dog can make people disappear. | 0:38:53 | 0:38:56 | |
Incredible! | 0:39:00 | 0:39:02 | |
That's been a good gag. | 0:39:02 | 0:39:04 | |
(That's not all. Zorro has the power to wake the dead.) | 0:39:04 | 0:39:09 | |
-Oh, this is great, remember this? -Oh... -Oh, here we go. | 0:39:09 | 0:39:14 | |
'You little sod!' | 0:39:15 | 0:39:18 | |
He's brilliant! | 0:39:18 | 0:39:20 | |
'You little bugger!' | 0:39:20 | 0:39:21 | |
He's brilliant! | 0:39:23 | 0:39:25 | |
Is it on? Right, OK. Oh, Christ! | 0:39:25 | 0:39:28 | |
Do you remember this? | 0:39:28 | 0:39:30 | |
Waaa-ya! Waa! | 0:39:32 | 0:39:35 | |
What? What is it? | 0:39:36 | 0:39:39 | |
ALL: Oh! | 0:39:39 | 0:39:40 | |
You've never been the same since! | 0:39:43 | 0:39:46 | |
I think I've cracked a nut! | 0:39:46 | 0:39:48 | |
What was that? | 0:39:48 | 0:39:50 | |
Crikey, they've gone inside! | 0:39:50 | 0:39:53 | |
Stop it! Now, get away! | 0:39:53 | 0:39:54 | |
Oh, God. I hope he's going to be OK. | 0:39:59 | 0:40:03 | |
-'Course he is. -He will, Mum. | 0:40:03 | 0:40:05 | |
SOBBING | 0:40:05 | 0:40:07 | |
That was lovely, darling. | 0:40:12 | 0:40:14 | |
Thanks, love. | 0:40:14 | 0:40:15 | |
MOBILE PHONE RINGS | 0:40:22 | 0:40:23 | |
It's the vet's. | 0:40:23 | 0:40:25 | |
Oh, God. Please, let him be OK. | 0:40:25 | 0:40:27 | |
Hello, Susan Coleman. | 0:40:30 | 0:40:32 | |
Yeah... | 0:40:34 | 0:40:35 | |
Zorro, yeah. | 0:40:36 | 0:40:37 | |
It did, yeah. | 0:40:40 | 0:40:41 | |
HE'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT! | 0:40:43 | 0:40:45 | |
CHEERING | 0:40:45 | 0:40:47 | |
-Hello, love. -Hey, Mum, do you want a hand? | 0:40:57 | 0:40:59 | |
-I'm all right, you go and watch the telly. -Come on. Pudding's on it. | 0:40:59 | 0:41:04 | |
-Towel me up. -All right, babes, there you go. | 0:41:04 | 0:41:06 | |
I'm sorry for what I said the other day. | 0:41:16 | 0:41:18 | |
I didn't mean it. | 0:41:18 | 0:41:20 | |
Stop it, you're going to make me cry now. | 0:41:20 | 0:41:23 | |
I just need you to know, I love you. | 0:41:23 | 0:41:26 | |
I love you, pudding. | 0:41:26 | 0:41:28 | |
Have you spoken to Lise? | 0:41:34 | 0:41:36 | |
She's not returning my calls. | 0:41:36 | 0:41:37 | |
What are you going to do? | 0:41:41 | 0:41:42 | |
I dunno. | 0:41:45 | 0:41:46 | |
Why don't you go and see her? | 0:41:48 | 0:41:50 | |
I mean, she said she wants some space. | 0:41:53 | 0:41:55 | |
Can't stop thinking about her, Mum. | 0:41:58 | 0:42:01 | |
What am I going to do without her? | 0:42:01 | 0:42:02 | |
Oh, it's going to be all right. I can feel it. | 0:42:02 | 0:42:05 | |
I miss her so much, Mum. DAN CRIES | 0:42:05 | 0:42:09 | |
I know, love, I know you do. I know. It's going to be all right. | 0:42:09 | 0:42:12 | |
It's all right. | 0:42:12 | 0:42:14 | |
So do you reckon you'll be here for New Year, Dan? | 0:42:25 | 0:42:28 | |
I guess so. Got nowhere else to go, have I? | 0:42:28 | 0:42:31 | |
She won't answer any of my calls. | 0:42:31 | 0:42:33 | |
Oh, love. | 0:42:33 | 0:42:35 | |
I'll tell you what you should do. Write Lisa a song. | 0:42:35 | 0:42:38 | |
What? | 0:42:38 | 0:42:40 | |
I'm serious. You should go up to London and sweep her off her feet | 0:42:40 | 0:42:43 | |
with a love ballad. That's what I did for your mum. | 0:42:43 | 0:42:45 | |
Aww, you wrote mum a song? | 0:42:45 | 0:42:47 | |
An absolute classic. | 0:42:47 | 0:42:49 | |
Was it? | 0:42:49 | 0:42:51 | |
# Susie, Susie, Susie, Su-Susie, Susie Sue | 0:42:51 | 0:42:54 | |
# Susie, Susie, Susie, Su-Susie, Susie Sue. # | 0:42:54 | 0:42:58 | |
That's not a song, you're just saying her name. | 0:42:58 | 0:43:00 | |
Later that night we made sweet love in the Argos car park. | 0:43:00 | 0:43:03 | |
Fuck sake. | 0:43:03 | 0:43:05 | |
I love the melody. | 0:43:05 | 0:43:06 | |
-It's so romantic. -That's not romantic, Mum, that's dogging. | 0:43:06 | 0:43:09 | |
-Dogging? -It's like when you... | 0:43:09 | 0:43:11 | |
Don't worry about it, Mum. | 0:43:11 | 0:43:13 | |
You want to forget about Lisa, mate, and get back inside that Jenny. | 0:43:13 | 0:43:16 | |
Oh, shut up, Jake. | 0:43:16 | 0:43:17 | |
What? Do you mind if I have a pop? | 0:43:17 | 0:43:20 | |
-Jake! -I'm just sayin'! | 0:43:22 | 0:43:23 | |
-DISTANT: -I'm rubbish, Nanny. Every trick I do goes wrong. | 0:43:35 | 0:43:38 | |
You're not rubbish! You're just starting out. | 0:43:38 | 0:43:43 | |
Everyone makes mistakes at first. | 0:43:43 | 0:43:46 | |
I bet you when Dynamo first tried to walk on water he got soaked through. | 0:43:46 | 0:43:53 | |
But everyone laughs at me. I feel so stupid. | 0:43:55 | 0:44:00 | |
They only laugh because they're jealous. | 0:44:00 | 0:44:03 | |
Because you're brave, | 0:44:03 | 0:44:05 | |
because you've got the courage to do what you love. | 0:44:05 | 0:44:08 | |
Today they're laughing, tomorrow they'll be applauding. | 0:44:08 | 0:44:11 | |
Before you know it they'll be coming to see you at the Albert Hall. | 0:44:11 | 0:44:14 | |
Do you think so? | 0:44:14 | 0:44:16 | |
I know so. | 0:44:16 | 0:44:17 | |
Life is all about seizing opportunities, Bert. | 0:44:19 | 0:44:22 | |
If you see a dream then you follow it. | 0:44:22 | 0:44:24 | |
Do you think David Blaine or Gandalf gave up | 0:44:26 | 0:44:29 | |
because somebody laughed at them? | 0:44:29 | 0:44:31 | |
Exactly, sweetheart. | 0:44:34 | 0:44:35 | |
Oh. I don't know much, Bertie-boy, | 0:44:35 | 0:44:41 | |
but one thing I do know. | 0:44:41 | 0:44:43 | |
Never worry about what other people think of you. | 0:44:45 | 0:44:49 | |
Just do what your heart says. | 0:44:49 | 0:44:53 | |
Nothing else matters. | 0:44:53 | 0:44:54 | |
If you find something you love, then never let go of that thing. | 0:44:54 | 0:44:59 | |
Thanks, Nanny | 0:45:01 | 0:45:03 | |
You're very welcome. | 0:45:03 | 0:45:04 | |
Just don't forget me when you're a great, big, massive star. | 0:45:04 | 0:45:08 | |
I won't. | 0:45:08 | 0:45:09 | |
-Do you promise? -Yeah. | 0:45:09 | 0:45:11 | |
Love you, magic man. | 0:45:14 | 0:45:16 | |
You, you gotta let 'em know that you're there. You... | 0:45:39 | 0:45:42 | |
you can start with, you know, something like this. | 0:45:42 | 0:45:44 | |
Bring your audience in, bring 'em in to you, let 'em know you're | 0:45:44 | 0:45:47 | |
doing something mysterious. | 0:45:47 | 0:45:49 | |
You're doing something magical, something strange. | 0:45:49 | 0:45:52 | |
And then you crack out a bit of freestyle, see? | 0:45:52 | 0:45:56 | |
Give it some of that. Little shimmy here, little shimmy there. | 0:45:56 | 0:45:58 | |
And then bring 'em in. Oh, oh! | 0:45:58 | 0:46:01 | |
That's fantastic! Some of that body popping thing that you do, yeah. | 0:46:01 | 0:46:04 | |
That... Oh, fantastic, Bertie, that's it! | 0:46:04 | 0:46:08 | |
Yeah, that's the way, son! | 0:46:08 | 0:46:09 | |
What you doing? | 0:46:09 | 0:46:11 | |
A wizard never reveals his secrets. | 0:46:11 | 0:46:13 | |
Go on. | 0:46:13 | 0:46:15 | |
How about this, Grandad? | 0:46:17 | 0:46:19 | |
Oh! Oh, the little bum wiggle? Oh, I love it! I love it! | 0:46:19 | 0:46:23 | |
I love the bum wiggle! | 0:46:23 | 0:46:25 | |
RADIO: # You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear... # | 0:46:26 | 0:46:31 | |
Oh, Dan, what do you think about this for tonight? | 0:46:31 | 0:46:34 | |
-It's a bit low-key. -Really? | 0:46:34 | 0:46:36 | |
Yeah. I feel it is too classy, Jules. | 0:46:36 | 0:46:38 | |
Do you think so? | 0:46:38 | 0:46:40 | |
Hm... Have you seen Mum? | 0:46:40 | 0:46:42 | |
-No. -Oh, we're meant to be doing a fake tan sesh. | 0:46:42 | 0:46:46 | |
There she is, see? | 0:46:46 | 0:46:47 | |
Oh, there he is. | 0:46:47 | 0:46:48 | |
Oh, are you practising your magic again, Bertie? | 0:46:48 | 0:46:51 | |
Yeah! When you find something you love, Mum, you never give up on it! | 0:46:51 | 0:46:54 | |
-Put it there, Bertie. Boom! -Ba-boom! | 0:46:54 | 0:46:57 | |
Yeah! Let's go and find Zorro, give him his medicine, shall we? | 0:46:57 | 0:47:00 | |
-RADIO: -'And keeping it old school, who can forget this one from 1994?' | 0:47:00 | 0:47:04 | |
# 'Let's get ready, ready, let's get ready, ready, | 0:47:04 | 0:47:06 | |
# 'Let's get ready to rumble! | 0:47:06 | 0:47:08 | |
# 'Watch us wreck the mic, Watch us wreck the mic, | 0:47:08 | 0:47:10 | |
# 'Watch us wreck the mic...' | 0:47:10 | 0:47:12 | |
# Psyche! | 0:47:12 | 0:47:13 | |
# Let's get ready, ready, Let's get ready, ready | 0:47:13 | 0:47:15 | |
# Let's get, let's get Let's get ready, ready | 0:47:15 | 0:47:18 | |
# Let's get ready, ready, Let's get ready, ready | 0:47:18 | 0:47:20 | |
# Let's get ready to rumble! | 0:47:20 | 0:47:21 | |
-# Straight up provin' -We can get you groovin' | 0:47:21 | 0:47:24 | |
-# This track's boomin' -It ain't no hype | 0:47:24 | 0:47:26 | |
# Watch us wreck the mic Watch us wreck the mic | 0:47:26 | 0:47:29 | |
-# Watch us wreck the mic... -Psyche! -# | 0:47:29 | 0:47:31 | |
Lise. Lise... | 0:47:32 | 0:47:35 | |
Lisa... Lise? | 0:47:35 | 0:47:39 | |
No, nothing's wrong, I just thought she might be with you. | 0:47:51 | 0:47:55 | |
Yeah, OK, all right... well, yeah. | 0:47:55 | 0:47:57 | |
Happy New Years, all right, bye, Sarah, bye. | 0:47:57 | 0:47:59 | |
Ah... Salutations, Dan. | 0:47:59 | 0:48:02 | |
Do you know, I've just had the most wonderful sandwich? | 0:48:02 | 0:48:05 | |
Ham, cheese and pickle! | 0:48:05 | 0:48:07 | |
-Rog, Rog, Rog. -Hm? -Have you seen Lisa? | 0:48:07 | 0:48:09 | |
Yes, yes, I did. A couple of hours ago. I saw her leave. | 0:48:09 | 0:48:12 | |
Did she say where she was going? | 0:48:12 | 0:48:14 | |
Oh, I didn't chat. I just saw her leaving. | 0:48:14 | 0:48:16 | |
She was carrying an awfully big suitcase. | 0:48:16 | 0:48:19 | |
Is everything OK, dear boy? | 0:48:20 | 0:48:22 | |
Yeah, no, it's, it's fine. Um... | 0:48:23 | 0:48:25 | |
Have a good New Years, mate. | 0:48:25 | 0:48:28 | |
-Er... Same to you. -Yeah. | 0:48:28 | 0:48:30 | |
'Hi, this is Lisa...' | 0:48:41 | 0:48:43 | |
MOBILE PHONE RINGS | 0:48:46 | 0:48:48 | |
Hello, love. Where are you? | 0:48:54 | 0:48:55 | |
I'm at the flat. | 0:48:55 | 0:48:57 | |
What, in London? | 0:48:57 | 0:48:58 | |
Yeah, I came to get Lisa, but she's gone to Barbados. | 0:48:58 | 0:49:01 | |
Barbados? | 0:49:01 | 0:49:03 | |
Yeah. A neighbour saw her leaving with a suitcase. | 0:49:03 | 0:49:06 | |
What a shit New Years. | 0:49:08 | 0:49:09 | |
Oh, my poor pudding. Why don't you come back home, love? | 0:49:09 | 0:49:14 | |
Not in the mood for a party, Mum. | 0:49:15 | 0:49:16 | |
Not in the mood for anything. | 0:49:16 | 0:49:18 | |
I'll just sit here and gas myself in the car. | 0:49:18 | 0:49:20 | |
Don't talk like that, darling! | 0:49:20 | 0:49:22 | |
Besides, you don't want people finding your body in Jake's car, | 0:49:22 | 0:49:25 | |
they'll think you're a right pervert. | 0:49:25 | 0:49:28 | |
Oh, come back home, love, I'm cooking your favourite tea. | 0:49:28 | 0:49:31 | |
Chilli con carne with baked beans instead of kidney beans. | 0:49:31 | 0:49:34 | |
Come on, love. | 0:49:34 | 0:49:36 | |
Before I bloody drive down to London and get you myself! | 0:49:36 | 0:49:40 | |
All right. I'm coming. | 0:49:40 | 0:49:42 | |
Last thing we need's you on the roads, eh? | 0:49:43 | 0:49:45 | |
All right. Bye, love! See you soon! | 0:49:45 | 0:49:48 | |
# All I want for Christmas | 0:49:52 | 0:49:55 | |
# The same thing every year | 0:49:57 | 0:50:00 | |
# To wake up with you beside me | 0:50:01 | 0:50:05 | |
# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near | 0:50:06 | 0:50:10 | |
# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near. # | 0:50:12 | 0:50:16 | |
MUSIC: Oxygene IV by Jean Michel Jarre | 0:50:26 | 0:50:29 | |
That's great! | 0:50:36 | 0:50:38 | |
-What's going on? -Ssh! -Ssh! | 0:50:39 | 0:50:40 | |
Is he any good at magic? | 0:50:42 | 0:50:44 | |
No, he's shit. | 0:50:46 | 0:50:47 | |
Oh, God, Bert, don't mess it up. | 0:50:51 | 0:50:53 | |
Oh! | 0:50:54 | 0:50:57 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:50:57 | 0:50:58 | |
CHEERING | 0:51:00 | 0:51:03 | |
Has he drawn on abs? | 0:51:07 | 0:51:09 | |
Nothing wrong with that, Dan. | 0:51:09 | 0:51:11 | |
Go on, Bertie-boy! | 0:51:12 | 0:51:14 | |
This is some creepy shit. | 0:51:18 | 0:51:20 | |
And now, I will attempt my most dangerous trick. | 0:51:21 | 0:51:26 | |
Whoooooo! | 0:51:26 | 0:51:29 | |
Not all of you will survive. | 0:51:29 | 0:51:31 | |
Whoooooo! | 0:51:31 | 0:51:33 | |
But first, I must introduce | 0:51:35 | 0:51:38 | |
my glamorous and beautiful assistant, Nanny! | 0:51:38 | 0:51:43 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:51:43 | 0:51:45 | |
You're looking good, Suze, you're looking good! | 0:51:52 | 0:51:55 | |
-You been down Anne Summers? -Yeah, get your tits out! | 0:51:55 | 0:51:58 | |
I am sorry. | 0:52:00 | 0:52:01 | |
Oh, sod this, I'm going to bed. | 0:52:01 | 0:52:03 | |
Oh, no, no. You're going to miss the best bit. | 0:52:03 | 0:52:05 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to need a volunteer. | 0:52:05 | 0:52:12 | |
I can spot one over here! Come on! | 0:52:13 | 0:52:16 | |
Give him a round of applause. | 0:52:16 | 0:52:18 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:52:18 | 0:52:20 | |
-He loves it, oh, he loves it! -Go on, Danny. | 0:52:20 | 0:52:24 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, this may look like an ordinary dog, | 0:52:24 | 0:52:29 | |
but when I tap him gently with my wand... | 0:52:29 | 0:52:32 | |
I can make him do something incredible! | 0:52:32 | 0:52:35 | |
Ooooh! | 0:52:35 | 0:52:37 | |
For now, he has the power to bring you what you most desire. | 0:52:37 | 0:52:42 | |
Oooh! | 0:52:44 | 0:52:46 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:52:49 | 0:52:50 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:52:50 | 0:52:52 | |
Now, Nan, now! | 0:52:55 | 0:52:57 | |
HE MOUTHS: I love you. | 0:53:09 | 0:53:10 | |
Yes, I did it! I did it! | 0:53:13 | 0:53:16 | |
Yes! | 0:53:16 | 0:53:17 | |
And at the end, Dan said, "Jake, you are actually a legend, I think | 0:53:17 | 0:53:22 | |
"I can learn a lot from you." | 0:53:22 | 0:53:24 | |
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:53:24 | 0:53:25 | |
Oh, Trevor, Trevor, hit me... | 0:53:27 | 0:53:30 | |
Just one more. | 0:53:30 | 0:53:31 | |
You're a goddess. | 0:53:39 | 0:53:41 | |
-It's such a beautiful day. -It's perfect. | 0:53:43 | 0:53:45 | |
I don't know what I'd do without you. | 0:53:45 | 0:53:47 | |
What are you doing? What are you doing? | 0:53:50 | 0:53:52 | |
Dad... | 0:53:52 | 0:53:53 | |
Julie! Oh, God, Julie, oh, God, has anyone got a phone? | 0:53:53 | 0:53:56 | |
Look at your faces! | 0:53:56 | 0:53:57 | |
Oh, come on! | 0:53:57 | 0:53:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:53:59 | 0:54:01 | |
-LAUGHING: -Yes, Dad! | 0:54:05 | 0:54:08 | |
They all thought you'd died! | 0:54:08 | 0:54:09 | |
HE CONTINUES LAUGHING | 0:54:09 | 0:54:11 | |
What's this? | 0:54:20 | 0:54:21 | |
"Mark's unbelievable hardcore home video." | 0:54:22 | 0:54:29 | |
This will be really good. | 0:54:35 | 0:54:37 | |
-ON VIDEO: -'Oh, oh, Vera, we're going to take it up a notch now. | 0:54:41 | 0:54:44 | |
'Take out the fun grappler...' | 0:54:44 | 0:54:45 | |
'How do you work this thing? Oh, my God.' | 0:54:45 | 0:54:47 | |
'That's it, love! Ooh, ooh yeah... Oh, oh, oh, oh... | 0:54:47 | 0:54:52 | |
'Oh, you dirty bugger, you love this!' | 0:54:52 | 0:54:54 | |
Thought I'd lost you. | 0:54:57 | 0:54:59 | |
I know, I'm sorry, I just... I needed some space. | 0:55:00 | 0:55:04 | |
I do love you. | 0:55:05 | 0:55:07 | |
How'd you even get here, that's what I want to know. | 0:55:10 | 0:55:12 | |
Your car wasn't in the street. | 0:55:12 | 0:55:14 | |
-Ah, your mum picked me up. -What? Mum? | 0:55:14 | 0:55:15 | |
Yeah. She's really nice. Sh... | 0:55:15 | 0:55:17 | |
She told me all about Tony and the drugs. | 0:55:17 | 0:55:19 | |
I told you about that. | 0:55:19 | 0:55:21 | |
I know, I didn't believe you. | 0:55:22 | 0:55:24 | |
Why? | 0:55:24 | 0:55:25 | |
Because... I saw you kissing that girl | 0:55:25 | 0:55:28 | |
and she was all... blonde and...perfect. | 0:55:28 | 0:55:32 | |
-How is she, how is she perfect? Really? -Oh, Dan... | 0:55:32 | 0:55:34 | |
-Are we really doing this? -No. -Look at yourself in the mirror. | 0:55:34 | 0:55:37 | |
-I'll take you through why you're perfect. -OK, all right then. | 0:55:37 | 0:55:39 | |
Your perfect hazelnut eyes, when you smile you go like that, | 0:55:39 | 0:55:42 | |
you're very cute, you got a lovely... | 0:55:42 | 0:55:44 | |
vein there. The list goes on. | 0:55:44 | 0:55:46 | |
Let's go to Barbados next year. | 0:55:50 | 0:55:52 | |
-Absolutely. -Yeah. | 0:55:52 | 0:55:53 | |
Everything OK, my love-birds? | 0:55:54 | 0:55:56 | |
How pissed are you? | 0:55:56 | 0:55:58 | |
Cheeky monkey! | 0:55:58 | 0:56:00 | |
Can't believe you drove to London. | 0:56:00 | 0:56:01 | |
It weren't that bad, actually. | 0:56:01 | 0:56:03 | |
-BOTH: -Aaaargh! -GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY! | 0:56:03 | 0:56:06 | |
Anyway, I've just come to wish you happy new year! | 0:56:06 | 0:56:12 | |
-Oi, Mum? -Yeah? | 0:56:14 | 0:56:16 | |
You're amazing. | 0:56:16 | 0:56:18 | |
No, she's not. She's gert lush. | 0:56:18 | 0:56:21 | |
-Oooooh! -Oh, now she's talking the lingo! | 0:56:21 | 0:56:25 | |
Come and have a dance for me, sexy sausage! | 0:56:27 | 0:56:29 | |
# Suzie, Suzie, Suzie, Sue Suzie, Suzie, Suzie, Sue. | 0:56:29 | 0:56:35 | |
# Suzie, Suzie, Suzie, Sue... # | 0:56:35 | 0:56:37 | |
I really love them. | 0:56:37 | 0:56:39 | |
And I really love you. | 0:56:39 | 0:56:40 | |
I think it's on, I think it's working. | 0:56:44 | 0:56:46 | |
Green light's on. | 0:56:46 | 0:56:48 | |
New Year's resolution... Um... | 0:56:48 | 0:56:53 | |
I'm going to get myself proper pumped and enter Mr Devon. | 0:56:53 | 0:56:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:56:57 | 0:56:58 | |
Oh, shut up! You know what I mean! | 0:56:58 | 0:57:01 | |
What's my New Year's revelation? | 0:57:01 | 0:57:04 | |
I'd like to try on my old wedding dress...and role play. | 0:57:04 | 0:57:08 | |
Should probably get a penis reduction. | 0:57:08 | 0:57:10 | |
Nothing too drastic, just... | 0:57:10 | 0:57:12 | |
trim off the bottom six inches. | 0:57:12 | 0:57:14 | |
She knows. | 0:57:15 | 0:57:17 | |
Oh, piss off, Jake, you fat mess. | 0:57:17 | 0:57:18 | |
What I'm going to do is I'm going to change my birthday to the... | 0:57:23 | 0:57:27 | |
November the 28th, cos I've always wanted to be Sagittarius. | 0:57:27 | 0:57:31 | |
Dirty bastards! | 0:57:34 | 0:57:36 | |
-All I want to do is spend more time with this legend! -Hey-hey! | 0:57:36 | 0:57:39 | |
-It's Cheggers! -Hey! | 0:57:39 | 0:57:41 | |
-BOTH: -Stick to the buffet! -Yes! | 0:57:41 | 0:57:43 | |
He's mental, Cheggers is, I... I should have... | 0:57:43 | 0:57:46 | |
I would like to complete my ultimate fantasy, | 0:57:48 | 0:57:51 | |
that is a mother and a daughter and the grandmother. | 0:57:51 | 0:57:54 | |
I call it three-course meal. | 0:57:54 | 0:57:56 | |
Just want to spend every moment with Lisa. | 0:57:57 | 0:58:00 | |
Aww... To be honest, I'm more interested in Keith. | 0:58:00 | 0:58:04 | |
Oh, really? Can I see Sandra? | 0:58:04 | 0:58:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:58:06 | 0:58:07 | |
I would like to buy a meerkat. | 0:58:07 | 0:58:10 | |
I just want everybody to be happy. | 0:58:13 | 0:58:17 | |
I'd quite like to meet Gok Wan. | 0:58:21 | 0:58:23 | |
# All I want for Christmas | 0:58:26 | 0:58:30 | |
# The same thing every year | 0:58:30 | 0:58:34 | |
# To wake up with you beside me | 0:58:36 | 0:58:41 | |
# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near | 0:58:41 | 0:58:45 | |
# Wrap my arms around you Hold you near. # | 0:58:45 | 0:58:50 |