Miranda Hart: My, What I Call, Live Show

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys of London, are you ready to party?!

CHEERS

Then please welcome your hostess for this evening's entertainment.

It's me, Miranda Hart!

This programme contains some strong language

MUSIC: I Am The One And Only by Chesney Hawkes

Oh, yes!

Hello!

Hi!

Oh, yes. Hello!

Hoo-hoo.

Oh, lovely. Hello to you, the O2.

Fabulous.

This is great. This is going to be a show. It's going to be fun tonight.

I feel it in my waters.

I do, yes.

So, who's here? Who's been kind enough to pop along?

Any teenagers here?

SCREAMS

Did Justin Bieber just come on?

He shouldn't have done. He's in my dressing room,

tied to a radiator hoping to get his clothes back.

He isn't, he isn't.

Or is he?

He isn't, he isn't.

He's probably just in jail somewhere, isn't he?

Who else have we got? Any fellow single women?

SCREAMS AND CHEERS Yes? We're out!

We're actually out tonight.

Crying over a tub of Ben and Jerry's earlier, but we're out now!

Anything could happen.

Probably just a lot of white wine

and singing I Will Survive together later.

Any single men?

AUDIENCE HOOTS

Three down here!

Let's just clarify.

Any straight single men?

Nothing.

Literally nothing.

I mean, it's always the way, isn't it?

No, hang on...

Of all the people here, be really brave,

if there's one straight single man go, "Hwar"!

Here you go. One, two, three...

SOME MEN SHOUT Oh, there are! There are some!

Ladies, pounce down here. We've got two.

You're in big trouble tonight. That's exciting.

So, if you're here for a good time, give me a whoop!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Lovely.

If you're here, because somebody made you,

give me a grumble.

SOME GRUMBLES

That'll be all the dads, won't it?

Already thinking about the route home.

"Getting out of this car park's going to be hell, isn't it?"

Bet you are.

Perhaps you were hoping to see the supermodel Miranda Kerr.

You know, the one that was married to Orlando Bloom?

She's the most famous Miranda, isn't she?

Once in America, when Call The Midwife first aired there...

Any fans of Call The Midwife in?

SCREAMS AND CHEERS

Stop it, stop it. Seriously, stop it.

Well, they said in America, they made a mistake in the press release

and they said, "Starring in her first dramatic role as Chummy,

"Miranda Kerr" instead of my name.

Now, if you don't know what Miranda Kerr looks like,

this is what she looks like.

Yeah. They will have got a hell of a shock when this came on.

Yes.

But do you know, I like to think people thought,

"Wow! She bagged Orlando Bloom?

"Good on her." I've got the moves.

This is all right. They're quite special, aren't they?

Lots of pretty good flirt lines.

Is it too early to flirt?

No, it isn't. Hello to you, sir, and thanks for calling.

Lovely.

Slightly predatory lunge that, wasn't it?

What's your name?

Matthew, lovely. Is this your wife?

Not any more!

I'll try my best flirt line on you, OK?

It's pretty good. If you know me well, you'll know this. OK?

Are you ready, Matthew?

Hi. When I'm naked in bed and I roll over,

my breasts clap.

It's going to be exciting tonight, isn't it, Matthew? Yes!

And the reason tonight's going to be exciting, O2,

the reason is because, tonight, this isn't just a show.

No, no, no, no, no.

Tonight, I thought we could have a party.

Yes!

So will you accept the invitation to my party tonight?

CHEERS

I love it.

Let's play another classic tune to get it started.

MUSIC: Man! I Feel Like A Woman by Shania Twain

"Let's go, girls." That's fun, isn't it?

Ooh, what's this?

That's nice. It's exciting, isn't it?

MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY

It's beyond camp now, isn't it?

I'm basically a gay man trapped inside a woman's body.

What can I say?

Yes!

Because it is a party, I am, of course, with buffet. Yeah!

So let's open the buffet, shall we?

We'll go savoury first, obviously.

Let's go Doritos. Lovely.

Do you want some Doritos? There you go.

Well, meet me halfway, you biatch, yeah?

That's lovely.

Meet me at the sort of rope here,

that looks like a National Trust rope. It's very odd.

It's making me feel like a portrait.

It's really weird. It's meant to be security.

I don't know who that's going to stop. Someone'll just be...

"I'm here to kill and assault you now."

It looks lovely, though, doesn't it?

Got the Doritos, lovely.

Take one, pass it on, yes?

This is going to be fun.

Because, I don't know about you,

but normally, I suffer from terrible party anxiety, normally.

The last party I went to, well, a myriad of disasters.

First, I had a nightmare with

the awkward one kiss or two kiss greeting thing,

which cheek to go for. "Oh, we nearly snogged." All that.

It's a nightmare, isn't it?

And then. at one point, I totally misjudged the situation

and, as this guy was coming in for two kisses,

I went in for the handshake.

Totally misjudged it.

So, as he was coming in for the kiss,

I realised that my hand was getting nearer and nearer his, erm,

crotch area, shall we say,

and then, as I went in for the first kiss,

I sort of slightly lost my balance

and I ended up steadying myself

on his belt!

Did the second kiss.

As I peeled back, I forgot to release.

I was still holding on to his belt.

I had to sort of turn it into something. You know how you do,

to try and get away with these situations?

In retrospect, I probably should have done something like,

"You're looking good. Have you lost weight?"

No, made a hell of a decision.

For some reason, I went...

"Jump!"

He's like, "What are you doing?"

But it gets worse. Oh, it gets worse, yes.

I then get introduced to a beyond-handsome man

and, when I discovered he was single, I got a little bit flustered.

I didn't go in for the handshake.

I didn't go in for the kiss.

I curtsied...

..forgetting that, when I'm in this position and rise up,

I will invariably

break wind.

Now, anyone over 35, you will know it.

It is the contract, relax...

BLOWS RASPBERRY ..position. Yes?

You turn 35, suddenly, getting off a chair is a risk factor, isn't it?

BLOWS RASPBERRY Oh, sorry, everyone.

Sorry, I wasn't expecting that. Apologies.

Stairs.

BLOWS SEVERAL RASPBERRIES

Sorry, do you want to go on ahead? That might be better. Yes.

BLOWS RASPBERRIES

A lot of laughter recognition going on here tonight.

So, at this last party, it was a question of,

"Hello, lovely to meet you, potential future husband."

BLOWS RASPBERRY "Goodbye!"

But let's, let's tonight call this an anxiety-free zone,

shall we, tonight?

Let's call this our cocoon.

Nay, a cocoon au fun.

That sounds lovely, doesn't it?

Good word, cocoon, isn't it?

Cocoon!

Well, that's lovely.

Not as good as my favourite word, which is still "plunge".

Plunge.

Plunge my cocoon, you!

Sorry about that!

Surprised myself, there, I'm not going to lie.

But anything goes in the cocoon. Anything goes.

You can wear what you like,

which is lucky for you, madam, isn't it?

I'm joking. You, of course, look fabulous.

I should add, by the way,

I've got the perfect buffet for our party tonight.

Perfect buffet.

Simple finger food, because that's another thing

I normally struggle with at parties - the nibbles.

The whole nibble department, like cocktail sausage sticks -

where to put them if you're left with them?

It's one advantage of being tall.

I tend to pop them on the head of a passing stranger.

They never feel it.

Because, if I think I'm honest with you,

I think the last party I really enjoyed and lasted the duration

was probably when I was six,

because anything goes at a party when you're six, doesn't it?

You can stuff your face till you're physically sick

and no-one will think you're greedy or bulimic.

You can gallop round the room laughing manically at yourself

and stand in a corner with your skirt above your head.

No-one bats an eyelid.

In your forties, people frown, take it from me.

"It's a good night."

The worst thing that would happen at a party when you're six,

the worst thing, is that you piss yourself, isn't it?

I mean, that's the worst thing.

But even then, you'd just whip your pants off and crack on, wouldn't you?

Again, in your forties, people are less forgiving.

Hang on, hang on.

In my defence, your honours,

there was a trampoline involved

and, again, anyone over 35, you will know it.

As well as contract... BLOWS RASPBERRY

..trampolining is, of course, a question of,

"Wee! Wee! Weeing!

"I am weeing now!"

But six-year-olds, six-year-olds are free, aren't they?

I think it's a great age that,

aged from sort of three to six, where anything goes.

They don't have party anxiety, do they?

They can just be who they are and do what they do.

I think we should be more like that. It would be great.

I mean how great would it be if you were at a party

and somebody came over to you that you didn't want to speak to,

it was socially acceptable to go,

"Oh, go away" and push them over!

It would be amazing. wouldn't it?

Or if, say, you were really bored in a post office queue,

it was socially acceptable to go into a ballet routine?

Five-year-olds start doing this.

If I did this in a post office, I'd be sectioned.

It's not fair.

But the key thing, the key thing, I, of course,

wish all adults to reclaim from toddlers

is

the gallop!

CHEERS Oh, yes.

I'm mounting my horse. I'm gathering my reins.

I'm galloping! MUSIC: Theme from Black Beauty

It's such a lovely way to move.

If you need the toilet from now on, gallop up the aisles, yes!

Imagine a world where adults could gallop.

Ministers arriving at Number 10,

then dismounting to go in. It would be fabulous.

Do you like my meadow, by the way?

Not a euphemism, I should say.

Cheeky.

I love the gallop, I love it.

I love it, in particular, because it's such a heady mix of camp

and drama.

That's why I like it. Like musicals.

Do you like musicals?

CHEERS Do you?

I love musicals.

I love, in particular, the way they bow

in very serious West End musical theatre.

So, they sort of bow like this.

Oh, thank you!

It's too much, really.

And they sort of "jazz-run" off, don't they?

It's classic. I love it.

They couldn't possibly just walk off. NO, they have to "jazz-run" off.

I think life would be better if it was all a bit musical theatre.

I think it would be brilliant.

Then, instead of walking your dog, say, in the morning like normal,

like this,

you'd have to walk it like this.

# Good morning, how is your dog? #

Swinging a dog there.

It would be fun.

I'm going to start giving myself a musical bow

after every small achievement in life.

I think we should all do it, it would be great.

So, it would be,

"Everybody, I have unloaded the dishwasher.

"Mum and Dad, thank you." "Oh, sit." "No, it's too much."

"Oh, well, if you all insist, then fine."

In the kitchen, like this.

It would be fun, wouldn't it?

Domestic life would be better if it was all a bit musical theatre.

It would be,

# "Darling, put the bins out."

# "Certainly, my LOVE!" #

Very high pitched man, there, wasn't it?

But then, you'd get a lovely image, wouldn't you, of middle aged men

in their boxers taking their bin liners down the street like this.

It would be lovely.

There's one moment in life that's already a little bit musical theatre.

Football training.

All right, now hear me out.

You know, sometimes, you see footballers warming up

before a match and they're doing all their ball skills and

their dribbling and their passing, all those skills, aren't they?

And then, they do the stretches.

They do these and then they do this one.

We're not quite sure what that one is, are we?

I think it's them going,

"These are MY balls."

"THESE are my balls."

It's just my little theory,

but I like it.

And then, they do a move

that's suddenly all of bit musical theatre.

They do this one.

Come on, Wayne! Come on, Frank! Let's dance.

It's lovely!

Look, my walk has gone camp with excitement at the notion.

I do have a camp-when-excited walk.

We've all got a variety of walks

for different occasions in life, haven't we?

Does anybody else have the late-for-a-bus-

but-too-embarrassed-or-unfit-to- burst-into-a-run walk?

It's awful, isn't it?

You see your bus coming and you think,

"Oh, gosh! I just can't gather momentum.

"Wait, wait!

"No, wait!"

It's desperate, it's desperate.

What about the sweep-browse walk?

You know, the sweep-browse in a shop?

If you don't know what I mean, you will have all done it, OK.

So, when you walk into a shop and you immediately go,

"Oh, no. Hang on, I'm not meant to be in here.

"No, this isn't what I was expecting.

"No, I don't need to be in here at all."

But you can't suddenly leave, can you, because that would be rude?

And the terrifying 12-year-old shop assistant has seen you!

So, you do the sort of polite sweep-browse.

"I'll just touch that top there, just have a little look here.

"Oh, you do shoes, do you? That's nice."

LAUGHTER

"And handbags, that's lovely.

"Good afternoon!" and then you can leave!

The sweep-browse.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've all done it.

But my favourite walk, my favourite walk...

Forgive me, but it's still the classic teenage swagger.

The show-your-pants, do-the-rap, that one.

I love it, I love it.

I try and pull it off, I do.

I just look like a demented woman who's got a massive problem

with her tights.

We've all been there, one size does not fit all.

LAUGHTER

Word of advice, by the way, never imitate the teenage walk.

Don't do that.

Me and a friend were doing it in a park the other day, going,

"Classic! They're doing that walk still. Brilliant!

Not realising that one of them had turned round and was suddenly

coming towards us.

So we found ourselves sort of face-to-face with this

cool "yoot" sort of doing his walk, which was a bit awkward.

He came up, he was like, "Oi, are you like doing my walk?"

"Oh, gosh! No, young sir, chappie to you m'lud.

"No absolutely not.

BREAKS WIND

"Sorry, sorry!"

LAUGHTER

We can't snap, over 35s.

Contract, relax. Trampolining, weeing.

Are you also like me, suddenly terrified of the cool youth?

I'm terrified of a lot of teenagers, frankly.

Teenagers are like bears, aren't they?

They're either asleep and, when they're awake, they're angry.

And when they approach, you don't know whether to run,

hide up a tree or play dead.

LAUGHTER

There's two of them! Are there any parents of teenagers in?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: YES!

You sound a bit tired.

UGH!

Don't worry, I have some advice for you, OK?

Give them a taste of their own medicine,

because it'll be really fun.

So get home from work one day, slam your front door,

kick your shoes off, leave them in the corridor, so they trip over them,

head to the kitchen, open the fridge,

eat everything out of it.

When they ask you a question go...

SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

LAUGHTER

..storm upstairs to your bedroom...

..slam your bedroom door, put on some music really loudly to annoy them.

I'm going to suggest Elaine Page's Radio 2 show, yes?

Come out two hours later, ask them for money, see how they like it.

Yes, parents?

Enjoy! It'll be fabulous.

CHEERING

I love Radio 2, don't you? I love pop.

I think we're friends enough for me to say now,

I've always wanted to be a pop star, I have.

Do you know who I want to be?

I think it's still possible.

Beyonce, yeah!

You laugh in support of this motion.

I love her. Don't you love Beyonce?

She's so ballsy and confident, isn't she?

Did you see her do Crazy In Love at the Super Bowl?

If you didn't, you must YouTube it when you get home. She was amazing!

She just started at the back like this, just owning it.

Bam!

I mean, obviously she's got a body to die for, hasn't she, Beyonce?

Hips, ten out of ten. Hips ten, thighs ten, arms ten...

That's just one of my KFC orders.

LAUGHTER

And proud!

And then the music starts. Ba, da da, da-da-da, da!

And she does the classic pop star walk.

You know, when they put sort of one leg in front of the other

and they make it look really sexy, sort of high boots.

Da da, da-da-da...

I can't do it. Da, mm mm, mm-mm... Basically.

If I try and do it, I just look like I'm scratching an awkward itch.

LAUGHTER

It's another walk!

You will have all done it.

It's when you're walking along and you think, "Oh, gosh! That's... Oh!"

LAUGHTER

Ah! That's better!

LAUGTHER

There, we've all done it.

And then...then Beyonce, she does a move

that I don't think any British woman feels sexy enough to do, OK?

So, when she's in a line with her dancers, and she starts doing

the sort of...

..the sort of thrusty one.

Sort of like...

I can't do it.

I mean, basically I look like I'm rowing a boat, it's hopeless.

Then she turns round

and then she really goes for it on this side, her bum moves perfectly.

She's really fast.

I can't...

And, basically, if I do it, it just looks like I'm drilling tarmac.

LAUGHTER

GALLOP!

Gallop, sir! Gallop down the aisle.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant!

It's more of a trot. It's more of a trot.

He's going the whole way!

That is brilliant!

CHEERING

I love it! Oh, someone else is off now.

That's more of a gallop than a trot, though.

He was like this, wasn't he?

Everyone else here is thinking, Oh, my God! I'd rather piss myself.

"I'm not getting up. I'm not getting up."

LAUGTHER

She's going to shout "gallop" at me!

You're a marvellous lady, I love it, free in the cocoon.

What on earth was I talking about? Matthew, what was I talking about?

Were you listening as well as looking?!

LAUGHTER

No, you weren't, were you? Beyonce, drilling, drilling.

Yeah, I love Beyonce. She'd be great at flirting, of course, Beyonce.

She'd be great. We can't have a party without flirting.

Done you, Matthew. You are putty.

Wife... bam!

Who else is there? Who else is there?

Hello to you, sir, you're nice. What's your name?

Hi, Henry. Lovely. You've got nice hair under that hat.

That'll be good for our kids.

Is that a bit much? Too soon.

Hang on, you look quite young. How old are you?

16!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Awkward!

16. I'm so sorry, 16.

So, what year were you born, Henry? 1998!

I mean that's literally only just happened, hasn't it?

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear!

At least I didn't...at you.

I would have scarred him for life, wouldn't I?

Here's a lasting image for your teens, hey, Henry.

There you go! Enjoy that!

Whilst we're completely off piste, by the way, this...

the breast clap, yes? That, ladies, that can actually happen.

That is a real thing, so try that tonight.

That's my gift to you.

And if I may be briefly base, I have been told, men,

if you're very lucky, you can get a willy to thigh purchase.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

I've lost a few of you, I can tell!

But I like to think couples will be going home tonight going,

did we clap?

Have we clapped yet?

Enjoy your night.

Oh, dear!

Yes, where was I?

Oh, yeah, flirting, inappropriately.

But us Brits, generally, we're just not very good at flirting, are we?

We're not... Particularly us women.

If you know me, well, you know that I can't even say...

"sex".

I find it embarrassing.

I also struggle with...

"bikini wax".

I don't like saying that.

I rang the parlour the other day and said,

"Hi, I'd like to book a bi-ki-ni wa-wax, please."

She said, "Madam, I don't know what a wa-wa-wa is."

"Doesn't matter!"

Pathetic!

But I do try and flirt, I do, I do.

I've been single for so long now, if somebody says to me,

"Who are you with?" I automatically say, "Vodafone, and you?"

What?

So, yes, flirting... I blame my inability to flirt...

I blame it entirely on my education,

because I was educated at an all-girls' boarding school

on top of a hill in the middle of nowhere, no "sex" ed,

no life experience whatsoever.

We lived off rumours.

Rumours included, if you get caught French kissing in public,

you have to live in France for the rest of your life.

And I recently, I recently found my diaries.

Now these are my actual diaries from when I was 16.

This shows how sheltered my life was and how naive I was, OK.

My actual diaries, right.

"2nd of November, Tuesday, 19..." CLEARS HER THROAT

This is for his benefit there, OK.

"This is our last day of half term, which is annoying,

"but I don't mind getting back as everyone here is being annoying,

"except Olly, of course."

Olly was the cat.

How tragic is that? 16!

Chatting to a cat! Oh!

Right.

"We've just had lunch in the garden for some odd reason

"and all sat in a row in our coats along the table for some odd reason.

"V annoying."

And then, this is really embarrassing.

"Neighbours is getting really good."

LAUGHTER

"Mrs Mangel asked Harold to the church dance, which upset Madge

"and she is suing Des and Daph, because of her memory loss."

The detail!

And then it ends with,

"I am still pleased, but a little emotional,

"about Scott and Charlene's engagement."

Do you remember?

So naive!

Had no concept of dating rules.

I still don't really understand dating rules, do you?

You're meant to present a sort of perfect impressive you, aren't you?

But then, when do you start revealing the real you?

It seems too complicated.

When, age-old problem, forgive me, but it's true, isn't it?

When do you first fart?

Because there is nothing worse than trapped wind is there?

There's nothing worse.

It is a surprising painful condition that we don't talk about.

And I've never had it before until a first date.

So, things were going well.

We were dancing on stage in a club, he still seemed quite keen,

I was trying to impress him with my moves.

Dancing is not a forte by the way.

The one and only time I've gone for it on a dance floor,

I've done this move.

I thought, "Oh, yeah. Looking good. Signature move, yeah."

And then, people rushed over and I was like, what?

They said, "It looks like you're calling for help,

"cos someone's dead on the floor."

LAUGHTER

I'm trying to groove!

But I think dancing's harder if you're taller, though, isn't it?

Because you've got a lot of limb to try and control, haven't you?

Also, I don't know about taller people here,

but I often don't see this area in front of me here,

so I have been known to inadvertently knock children over

on the dance floor.

It's not good.

To anyone onlooking, it just looks like I'm going, "Piss off, kids!"

"Go away, this is my dance floor." Children flying everywhere.

Not the most embarrassing thing, though, that's happened to me

as a result of being tall and not seeing this area here.

The most embarrassing thing was

when I was at my niece's fifth birthday party, OK?

And we were all having a lovely time,

all the children were there, all the parents were there and the parents

happened to include a 42-year-old dwarf mother, one of the mothers.

As I say, we were all having a lovely time.

There was a barbecue going, all the kids were trampolining.

I wasn't.

Then the children all gathered for a game of pass the parcel

and I was having a conversation over here

and I could hear my five-year-old niece sort of mumbling and groaning

and I thought, "I'd better look after her.

"I don't want her upset on her birthday".

So, I finished my conversation here and I said,

"Yes, absolutely. No, that's a school that she'll be going to

"if she gets in."

Picked up, yes. Not my five-year-old niece.

The 42-year-old dwarf woman!

LAUGHTER

"Hello!"

And then, for some reason, in the sheer panic of it all,

I went...

"Wee-ee-ee!"

"I'm sorry. I'll pop you back down. Here, I'll just pop you back.

"I'm so sorry, I apologise."

Luckily, she thought it hilarious and we're now firm friends,

but, oh, my word!

OK, right, right. So, this first date, OK.

So, as I say, things have been going well, we're in a club.

He's still thinking, even though I'm clearly doing an impression

of a horse doing dressage.

This is the trot, but carry on!

And then, then my stomach's sort of really hurting

and I thought, "What's happening?"

Honestly, it inflated to about the size of a football.

It was huge, I didn't know what was happening.

I then collapsed to the floor in pain.

It was that painful.

The band stopped, there was a live band, they stopped,

the lights went on in the club, everyone gathered around.

My date called an ambulance,

because he thought I might have appendicitis.

I thought I might have appendicitis, I didn't know what was happening.

He was sort of leaning over me to try and rub my back to try and help.

I crawled into a really tight ball, you know,

how you do to sort of alleviate the pain?

Tighter and tighter I got.

I did...

..the longest and loudest fart...

IMITATES BREAKING WIND

"I'm fine now, really, I'm fine now, crack on!

"Nothing to see here.

"Do you want to see me again? No, goodbye!"

Really letting our hair down at the party now, aren't we?

We're letting our hair down.

Parents, are you letting your hair down?

CHEERING Yes? Good!

I want the parents to have a good time.

You've a tough time, haven't you, parents? Much respect to you.

I don't think I'm ready for parenting - no, no.

For starters, kids can really show you up, can't they, parents?

"Yes!"

I heard this brilliant story recently, OK.

Now, forgive me, any young people in the audience, there is a swear word

in this, but because it's a true story, I have to impart, OK?

So this mother was taking her four-year-old daughter to a party.

And she arrived and the hostess opened the door and the mother

said to her daughter, "Say hello to Mrs Davis. Say hello to Mrs Davis."

But the daughter wasn't saying anything.

Mrs Davis was like, "Don't worry, you can call me Julie, call me Julie."

And the mother was like, "OK. Say hello to Julie!

"Say hello to Julie."

Because you want your daughter to be

the perfect princess, don't you? But she wasn't saying anything.

Julie was like, "Don't worry, it doesn't matter, don't worry."

The mother was like, "No, no, say hello to Julie!"

You poor parents. And then this four-year-old, honestly, just went,

DEADPAN: "Fuck off, Julie."

Imagine!

Imagine being the mother in that situation, going, "Oh, gosh,

"I'm so sorry, I don't know where she gets it from."

Now Julie's looking at her going - "I know exactly where she gets it from."

You poor parents!

Also, also, toddlers can really embarrass you, parents, can't they?

I was at a wedding recently and the three-year-old bridesmaid,

she completely embarrassed her parents.

She was kind of brilliant, though.

She was called Maisie and occasionally

she would go up to some of the older aunts of the wedding party and

she'd just stare at them and she'd just go, "I don't like your hat."

Imagine the freedom!

And then, she got bored at precisely the wrong moment,

just before the vows, and she started tottering up the church aisle

like this. And then, she started saying, "I'm really pretty!"

And then, just as the vows started,

she said really loudly, "Do you think I'm sexy?"

Which I thought was hilarious.

But what's even more hilarious is watching you poor parents

deal with your child in that situation.

Because you can't suddenly go,

"Maisie, will you come here?" and pick her up and deal with her.

People are doing their wedding vows, it's their wedding day, so you

go sort of rigid with the stress and the anger of the situation.

"Maisie, come here!

"Maisie!

"Maisie, come... Maisie!

"Maisie, will you come here? Come here, Maisie!"

Maisie's just thinking, "Why is my mother doing

"an impression of an angry chipmunk?"

"Maisie!"

A chipmunk that turns to her husband and goes, "You deal with her,

"you deal with her. Maisie! You deal with her."

He's like, "No, you deal with her. You deal with Maisie!

"You deal with her."

He turns into a sort of whispering gorilla, doesn't he?

"You deal with her. Maisie!"

She's like a chipmunk, "No, you deal with her.

"You deal with... Maisie! You deal with her.

"Tell you for why - who taught her Do You Think I'm Sexy?!"

To which the gorilla goes...

SIGHS

You know he has.

Then the chipmunk turns to dragon.

She does the classic wife face

that'll get any husband off his chair.

She goes... INHALES DEEPLY

EXHALES DEEPLY

I might have just snotted there, I'm not going to lie to you.

Another gift tonight, as well as clap, clap later.

So this husband leaps up off his chair, OK.

Maisie's at the other end of the church aisle at this point.

It was hilarious.

He did the classic British thing of bending at the waist

and therefore thinking he's invisible.

"Nobody can see me now."

We're high on life now at my party, aren't we?

High on life.

We don't need drugs here, no, no, no.

AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS

Thank you very much, I love you too!

You've obviously had some drugs, God bless you!

Here's a story why you should never do drugs again.

The one and only time I smoked what I believe

they call "a funny cigarette"...

..was when I was camping with three friends

on the south coast of England. And it was a lovely weekend.

We pitched our two tents at this campsite

and we realised we were the only people at the campsite.

We thought, "Amazing, we'll have the whole site to ourselves.

"This is brilliant."

And then, when we went on top of a hill, OK,

we had a makeshift barbecue and we smoked a, um...spliff, yeah?

OK? LAUGHTER

And it just had the general effects of absolute hysteria.

I remember us getting completely hysterical,

because, at one point, we were convinced there was a tree

that looked just like Ailsa from Home and Away.

Remember Ailsa? Quite defined features, bless her.

And then, I remember thinking, "We must find an Alf Bush!"

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "You flaming galahs!"

Don't think he walked like that, but anyway...

And then, and then I had a moment free of all inhibition

and I took all my clothes off.

Yes, and I ran back down to the campsite not realising that,

since we'd been up there, 20 other tents had pitched,

Not just any tents, I jest ye not, Boy Scouts.

Who were now witnessing an oversized woman rushing towards them

stark bollock naked...

Or rather, stark no-bollocks naked.

Obviously, I was giving myself a round of applause as I came down.

There's an image!

Education for Henry there, lovely.

Had I been sober, had I been sober,

I would have dived into the tent for the sheer embarrassment of it all.

No, no, no, no! I made a unique decision.

It was dusk, I got two torches

and I went, "All right, lads!

"These are the key lady areas. Get used to them."

I will have scarred them for life.

The next day at the breakfast buffet queue, I was going -

"Has anybody seen my identical twin sister, Melissa, anywhere?"

Don't do drugs. We don't need drugs, though, do we?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: NO!

We really don't need drugs, do we?

We don't, we've got Doritos, the crack cocaine of the crisp world.

There you go. I love food. Don't you love food?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

I love food.

I couldn't be friends with anyone who doesn't really love food.

I also find it hard to be friends with somebody who's

always on a diet, who doesn't need to be.

It drives me mad.

I say, "Why are you on a diet?"

"It's just that my thighs and my bum are still a bit out of proportion."

Grow up!

That's how you were beautifully made,

so stop comparing yourself to other people,

celebrate your unique beauty and have a pudding once in a while.

CHEERING Drives me mad.

I love it, all the girls going - "I love my food! The tights!

"The tights and the food!"

I love my girlfriends, it's important to have them.

I love going out to dinner with them

but I dread the moment we get to the dessert menu, don't you?

And they're all going - "Oh, apple crumble, I'd love to, but I mustn't.

"Creme brulee, I would love to, but I can't.

"Sticky toffee pudding, I would love to, but I shouldn't."

I'm thinking, "I must, I should and I will."

And then the even-more dreaded moment where one of them

pipes up and goes, "I've just had a cheeky little thought,

"there's four of us, shall we get one pudding and four spoons?

"Shall we, shall we all dip in? Shall we get one pudding and four spoons?

"Shall we just be a bit cheeky and get one pudding and four spoons?"

I'm thinking, "NO!

"What's wrong with four puddings and one spoon?

"Just from time to time."

My grandmother,

she was never really into food, which I could never quite understand.

Once she cooked my sister and I a chicken and banana crumble.

I know, it was just sweet crumble on top.

We were like, "Gran, what's this?"

She said, "Oh, I couldn't be bothered to do a main and a pudding,

"so that's it all in one."

"Thanks, it's great." I know!

But I have started eating in moderation a bit recently,

because the metabolism isn't quite what it was.

Teenagers who can eat what they like without it sticking.

It won't last!

Sorry, was that a bit bitter, there?

Sorry about that, little bit bitter.

I did put on a lot of weight a few years ago.

That's when I had the first joys of shopping for the larger lady

in shops like Long Tall Sally, Big and Long...

..Huge and Gross.

Why do they call them things like that?

There's a shop for the larger lady in Surrey, this is true,

because someone sent me a photo because they knew I'm

obsessed with it. A shop for the larger lady called -

Jolly and Flabby.

LAUGHTER

"Just off to Jolly and Flabby now, everybody!"

I mean, what next?

Are they going to call it Past Caring?

"Oh, that's a nice top, Miranda."

"Oh, thank you very much, yeah, I got it from Past Caring.

"I don't know if you know it,

"it's next to the shop for the larger lady called Beyond Help."

Once a friend of mine, for my birthday,

she got me a store card for

Big is Beautiful, which was kind(!)

But it's great now, I get great special offers.

The latest one was buy two size-20 tops,

get a free Sara Lee gateau - so it's worked out.

But I've never been one of those people, you know,

those people who are really properly into diets and fad diets

and speak really seriously don't they, like this?

At the moment, everything's about juicing, that's what they do in LA.

They juice everything. I mean, sure, have a chicken casserole,

but you must juice it, it's better for you.

I think the reason these people speak so sort of low

and slow like this is because they're so weak...

Because they've only eaten sunflower seeds for a month, haven't they?

And even then, they've had to juice the seeds.

But they have, they have just enough energy,

just enough energy to offer us mere mortals some advice, don't they?

So they go, "Miranda, Miranda, hi. Hi, so here's the thing.

"If ever I feel like a sugar binge or a cake binge,

"which you obviously do a lot..."

HUGE LAUGHTER

"Then I say to myself, 'Lucinda...

" 'Lucinda, I say to myself, no. No sugar.

" 'Sit down, have some Ryvita.

" 'I'm full, it's delicious.' "

To which I want to respond, "Ryvita isn't delicious, Lucinda, is it?

"Because if it was, people would binge on it, wouldn't they?"

You don't get people going, "I had such a bad night last night."

"Oh, did you, what did you have?"

"Three packets of Ryvita!

"Once you get that dry, sawdusty crispbread, you can't stop."

I don't think so.

Ryvita is only delicious with a large Dairy Milk on top of it.

Fact!

Oh, look, my walk has gone camp with excitement

at the notion of chocolate.

Other walks I want to share.

Now, I have two airport walks.

Does anybody else have a nothing-to-declare walk?

LAUGHTER It's not just me.

It's weird, isn't it?

You're fine at baggage reclaim, everything's fine there.

And then, suddenly, you approach Nothing To Declare and you sort of

don't know how to walk for fear of appearing in any way suspicious.

I end up walking like a camp tightrope walker for some reason,

which ironically does make me look like I'm smuggling drugs up my arse.

That's the irony. It's a terrifying walk, though, isn't it?

And then you get to the last ten metres

and you see the Promised Land - WH Smith.

"We're nearly free! We're nearly free!

"We're nearly out! We're out! We're out!"

And then my second airport walk kicks in.

You know, when you're faced with a barrage of people

meeting their nearest and dearest off the flight

and all the minicab drivers with their placards?

I suddenly become incredibly self-conscious which is

invariably when your wheelie case flips over, isn't it?

You're trying to flip it back,

so the wheels are the right way on the floor.

It's behaving like a drunk teenager, your case.

And then my second airport walk proper kicks in.

Something really weird starts happening.

I start thinking, "I wonder if there's somebody here to meet me?"

I know they're not, my car's in the car park!

I can't help it, I'm looking at the placards thinking,

"Am I Mrs Shish Keba?"

"I don't know." Weird, weird airport walks.

But the king of all walks, the king of all walks,

OK, is when you walk purposefully in one direction,

say out of a shop, you walk purposefully in one direction.

You immediately realise you're going in the wrong direction.

You can't suddenly turn round, that would look weird,

so you turn it into something.

And we have all done it. OK, it goes like this.

"Oh, no, I'm meant to be going over there.

"Oh, I'll just look at my watch.

"Oh, right, OK, that's interesting, it's ten past 12

"and that means, yeah, no, that's probably right.

"Yeah, no, that means that I think I'm probably meant to be

"going in that direction, yeah, that's it."

APPLAUSE

We've all done it.

Sometimes I do a whole role play for no reason whatsoever.

I'll go, "I'm meant to be going over there.

"I'll just get my phone out.

"Oh, that's interesting, Zoe's texted.

"And she says she doesn't want to meet in the library which is...

"Oh, that's over there, right, OK.

"She wants to meet in the cafe.

"Which cafe could she be talking about, I wonder, which cafe?

"Oh, it's over there, lovely."

Nobody knows what I'm doing, but it's because we're all too shy to do this.

"No!"

Which is a shame, isn't it?

It's a shame, because I think we should be freer to deal with

life-awkward moments like that.

There are always life-awkward moments like that, aren't there?

There's always that moment when you're on your own

and you trip up in the street, do one of those.

Go to turn that into something, haven't you?

I see a lot of people do this one.

"Hmm...

"That's odd."

"There's something there.

"Yeah. There's something there."

That's a very bold manoeuvre, I think that's very brave.

I'm not brave enough to do that one.

I favour the pretending you meant to do it one. So you go...

I mean, sure, you've got to walk the whole way up this street like that!

That's the only disadvantage of that one, but I prefer it.

Life-awkward moments. There's always that moment, isn't there,

when you're walking on your own in the park and some men are playing

football and suddenly their football comes towards you and they're like,

"Oi, oi, oi, can we have our football back?"

And you're like, "Oh, God, right, yes.

"Yeah, just bear with, OK, hang on, oh!

"Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry!

"Oh, gosh, sorry, it's a bit slippy, it's a really slippy ball, sorry.

"Oh, sorry, your ball's over there. I mean, your ball is over there.

"Not your balls are over there.

"You know where your balls are, your balls are here."

"Here are your balls, we know that."

Life-awkward moments!

There's always that moment, although this might be unique to me.

I was recently in a shop changing room trying on a swimming costume.

And you know a swimming costume has a, erm...

..sticky hygiene sticker?

Well, erm, hum...

The sticky hygiene sticker...

got stuck...

..to my, erm...

..vestibule area, shall we say.

As I removed it, it caused so much pain

I shot out onto the shop floor going,

"I've just given myself a Brazilian!

"Apologies, do carry on with your shopping, sorry!"

Life-awkward moments.

When I was younger, when I was younger,

I naively thought that, if you were famous,

that maybe somehow you'd be above these life-awkward moments

and somehow you'd have the confidence to deal with them.

That's just nonsense, isn't it?

Cos anyone who's famous is still silly old them.

It makes no sense at all. And my most embarrassing moment was

when I was on a train from Edinburgh to London and I went

to the toilet at one point and I closed the cubicle door

and I pulled down my trousers and my pants and I went to sit...

And as I was sort of hovering in the squatting position, before I sat,

the train did one of those lurches,

you know, like they do, like it's going to stop.

I fell towards the door,

then through it...

I obviously hadn't locked the door properly!

..onto the train corridor in front of the buffet queue.

People were going, "Oh, don't look at that woman,

"that is absolutely mortifying. Don't look at her, don't look at her.

"Is that Miranda off the television?

"Oh, no, that is awful, that is awful."

You do not want to be recognised in that situation, let me tell you!

And also, you find yourself in situations

unique to being recognised.

So, the other day, somebody came up to me

and said, "Oh, oh, it's you!

"Oh, I love that show, Miranda."

I said, "Thank you very much, that means a lot, thank you."

And she said, "So, what's your name?"

"Er, Miranda."

"No, dear, that's the name of the show.

"What is your name?"

"Miranda."

"No, dear." And then, she said to her friend,

"She might be off the telly, but she's a little bit thick."

"What is YOUR name?"

So, for an easy life, I just found myself going, "Jean."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Jean.

"What's your surname?"

Then I panicked and I went, "Spleen."

"Jean Spleen?

"It's very nice to meet you, Jean Spleen."

Then I heard her say to her friend, "You would have thought

"she'd have changed her name for being on the telly."

"Miranda, starring Jean Spleen" is what that woman thought.

So, whoever you are,

you'll always find yourself in life-awkward moments, won't you?

So I say, people, I say, jolly life up, yes?

Be more three to six-year-old, be more musical theatre,

do something every day just to make you happy.

Jolly life up!

CHEERING

I advocate... Bless you, I advocate, for example,

leaping into a revolving door, from time to time,

with a complete stranger.

"Sir! Hello!"

Be fun, jolly life up!

How about, once a month, if you work in an office,

once-a-month office Olympics?

The rules being, if you need to get from A to B in the office,

you're not allowed to touch the floor.

Go from chair to desk, kick a colleague over, tread on them.

It'll be fun. Jolly life up.

How about once a week - weird name day.

Think of a weird name you'd like to call yourself,

then go to your coffee shop that morning, give them your name,

then somebody has to read out, "Oh, erm...

"cappuccino for Corinthia the Indestructible."

"That is I, I is she!"

It'll be fun.

But the key thing to jollying life up, the key thing,

and I think, frankly this should be a law,

is that I think all train drivers

should have to do the Muppet song after every tannoy announcement.

Because I defy anyone not to want to sing along to the Muppet song.

So it would go, um, "This is the 16:41 to London's Waterloo.

"Mahna Mahna."

-Mahna Mahna. SOME PEOPLE:

-# Do do-do do! #

Mahna Mahna.

-ALL:

-# Do doo de-do-do de-do-do, de-do-do!

# De-do-do-doodle do do do-doo do! #

"Change at Clapham Junction for Victoria."

It would be lovely, wouldn't it? That sounded amazing.

CHEERING

That train driver's making those people in those carriages

happier at that moment in time.

So I say be the best version of you for the others around you.

I'm going to love you and leave you with this, OK.

I was recently in a public swimming pool, I'm not a massive fan

of public swimming pools, the whole, "Please shower before you get in."

I find that offensive, I'm perfectly clean, thank you, perfectly clean.

And then which lane to go in!

The fast lane is just way too intimidating, isn't it?

The medium lane's always packed.

You think, "Fine, I'll go in the slow lane."

Invariably, you've got an octogenarian's foot

in your face, haven't you? If you try and overtake,

you're doing this with a complete stranger. The whole thing.

So I thought, I know, just for once, I'm going to practise what I preach.

I am.

I'm going to be more three to six-year-old,

"I'm going to be more free.

"For a moment, I'm not going to swim lengths, no.

"I am going to swim widths."

So, just for a moment, I went up and down those lane dividers,

like a crazy rebel dolphin, free and happy.

It did backfire though, because, as I went over the last lane divider,

I went over with such velocity, it removed my bikini bottoms

without me realising.

Got onto the edge of the swimming pool to celebrate, I was...

"Oh, my word!"

Jumped into the fast lane upon a very buff gentleman,

I nearly drowned him.

But I still celebrate it, because it caused merriment and

I was free of the drug of approval, and I call it and -

wait for it, because this is a hell of a way to end a show -

I call it my muff upon buff moment!

CHEERING Thank you!

Thank you so much!

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Bring Me Sunshine by Morecambe & Wise

# Bring me sunshine

# In your smile

# Bring me laughter

# All the while

# In this world where we live

# There should be more happiness

# So much joy you can give

# To each brand-new bright tomorrow

# Make me happy

# Through the years

# Never bring me

# Any tears... #

Oh, no, this isn't right, no, I have no need of your shop.

EVERYONE, I WOULD LIKE A BIKINI WAX.

# Bring me sunshine

# In your smile

# Bring me laughter

# All the while

# In this world where we live

# There should be more happiness... #

I need to get that, um, graphic.

Can you...? Thank you.

# Never bring me... #

After you.

MUSIC: Anything Goes

Oh, OK, you going over there?

Chris, could you...?

I'm just off to buy a top at Past Caring.

# Anything goes... #

Cappuccino for Dame Gertrude the Gorgeous of Sexyville?

That is I! I is she.

-# Anything goes... #

-Oh, go away!

Hi, put me in a designated area, for I am smokin'!

Gallop!

# Anything goes... #

Go on!

CHEERING

MUSIC: Crazy In Love by Beyonce

Come on!

CHEERING

# Got me looking so crazy right now

# Your love's got me looking so crazy right now... #

CHEERING

# Got me looking so crazy right now

# Your touch got me looking so crazy right now

# Got me hoping you'll page me right now

# Your kiss, got me hoping you'll save me right now

# Looking so crazy in love's

# Got me looking Got me looking so crazy in love! #

CHEERING

MUSIC: Proud by Heather Small

# What have you done today to make you feel proud?

# It's never too late to try

# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #

Thank you so much, you've been amazing.

Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you to you at home.

# What have you done today to make you feel proud? #

Thank you so much for coming along. Thank you.

I love you. Goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I can feel my soul ascending

# I am on my way

# Can't stop me now

# You can do the same, yeah

# What have you done today to make you feel proud?

# It's never too late to try

# What have you done today to make you feel proud?

# Mm-hm! Mm-hm!

# You could be so many people

# If you make that break for freedom... #