The Vital Spark

Furtive. That's the word I'd use, furtive.

Para's been furtive since we left Inveraray.

-Aye, furtive, that's the word. Furtive.

-A beautiful word.

Dan, your command of the English language

would do credit to a Cabinet Minister.

But do you really think that Para wants to get rid of us?

I'm telling you, Dougie, Para is up to something

and he wants us out the way while he does it.

How else would he send Sunny Jim on a sixpenny bus run to the

other end of Glasgow?

-He sent him for a gallon of paint.

-To the art galleries?

Now, McPhail, you just made that one up.

I'm telling you, Para wants us out the way.

By Jove, lads, are you still here?

When you should be away outside seeing all the splendid things

that's happening in the world?

-Like what?

-Well, like that fine big funeral that is just away past there.

Oh, man, it was a grand procession.

16 cars, no' counting the hearse and as for flowers, man,

you would think the Botanic Gardens had sprung a leak.

-Well, it'll be away past by this time.

-Och, no, Dan, I'm sure

if you ran you could catch up with it.

Well, I still have one or two things to attend to here.

Ach, no, not at all, Dougie, all work and no play.

No, no, away you run after the funeral and enjoy yourself.

-Furtive.

-Eh?

-We think you're trying to get rid of us.

-What, me? Never!

No, no, the only thought in my head is for the comfort of my crew.

After that long, hard voyage, you should be away out there relaxing.

Get rid of you? Oh, what an idea!

If I gave you five shillings would you go to the pictures?

I cannae go anywhere until Dougie has finished this bit of darning.

Oh, man, Dan, you're becoming awful clothes conscious.

You're turning into a regular dandy.

There we are. Do you want these other holes done?

No, just leave them. I'll let my foot breathe.

Well, if you wouldn't mind just biting off the wool at the knot.

HE GRUNTS

I hav'nae been able to do that since I was three.

Well, I don't fancy doing it.

So we'll just moor it with a clove hitch to your big toe.

Well, just please yourselves, lads. I'm away for a wee stroll.

Mebbe see you later, eh?

-Captain, the art galleries don't sell timber paint.

-What's that?

-What's that?

-What?

-That bottle you've got at your back.

Oh, this here? Ha-ha-ha-ha! Well, this...this is my medicine.

I'm supposed to carry it around with me for my seizures.

Seizures?! When did you start having seizures?

Well, I haven't yet, but I thought there was no use waiting

till the last minute.

Man, you're prepared, Para.

Mind you, I've never heard of the National Health supplying

medicine in lemonade bottles.

-Give me that, Dougie, at once! That's an order!

-It's whisky!

Man, and what whisky! Oh, by Jove!

It's like listening to a mass choir of angels singing

the Hallelujah Chorus in Gaelic.

And you were going to keep it all to yoursel'. You're furtive!

-Definitely furtive!

-No, no, Dan, you don't understand the position.

I understand all right.

Once you'd got us out of the way,

you were going to get stoned on this...

-nectar.

-No, no, I was not.

That is a traveller's sample.

-Who is the traveller?

-Me!

This whisky was made by my cousin Angus down in Bute.

-Him that used to work in the distillery?

-Aye.

He retired ten years ago, but as time went on,

he thought he should take up a wee hobby

just to keep his hand in, you understand.

-Angus is a strict teetotaller.

-You mean this stuff is hooch?

You mind your language, McPhail!

Here, has he got any more of this stuff, Para?

He's got a barrel of the stuff and he wants me to sell it for him.

A whole barrel! Must be worth at least a couple of hundred pounds.

Aye, mebbe.

You see, Angus's daughter is getting married and, well, his heart is set

on giving the young couple a grand piano for their new council house.

And why doesn't he set them off on the road to matrimonial bliss

by just giving them the whisky?

That would be great!

I can just see the minister's face at the show of presents.

Para, it crosses my mind that you're mebbe not doing this

just for nothing.

Well, no, no, I'm getting a wee commission for my time and trouble.

-Just... Just to cover my expenses, you understand.

-How much?

Come on, how much?!

-Oh, well, er...half of what I get for it.

-Half?! We're rich!

What you mean, WE'RE rich, Sunny Jim? He's MY cousin!

And there is no question of quarter shares.

Dan, I never, ever thought we'd be involved in smuggling

and breaking the law like this.

I think maybe we should just make a clean breast of it.

If we confess, maybe they'll just put us on probation.

-I mean, we didn't know this stuff was on board.

-Probation.

Aye, just as you say. Of course there is one of us

going to lose his Master's Ticket and get sent to the jail...

But maybe they'll go easy on Sunny Jim on account of his youth.

Oh, aye, I'm just a boy.

Led astray by an older man. You read about it every Sunday in the papers.

I knew it would come to this.

All right, what's 4 into 100?

THEY CHUCKLE

It's a wee bit flat, I think.

Thank you very much.

Aye, aye!

THEY LAUGH

-It's yoursel', Captain.

-Aye, indeed it is, Mr MacGubbin.

We'll have four of the usual refreshments

and have a wee snifter yourself.

Oh, thank you, I don't mind if I do. I'll have the same.

Well, well, Sunny Jim, it's a fine wee pub this.

Aye, Captain, it's got real class.

I mean, there's not many with fitted wall-to-wall sawdust.

Here we are, four whiskys and one for myself.

Lovely drop of stuff, this, gentlemen. Sells very well.

Well...

Here's good health!

ALL: Slainte!

-What did you do that for?

-Aye, well, we just didn't fancy drinking it.

We just came in for the use of your glasses.

We want to enjoy the social atmospherics.

There's nothing wrong that whisky!

It's the most popular blend I've got. What's wrong wi' it?

-Well, let's just say that we prefer our own.

-Prefer your own!

I don't keep a pub so you can bring your own booze in!

I've got a living to earn.

Oh, by Jove, Mr MacGubbin,

we wouldn't like to see your wee children running around barefooted.

No, no. So I'll tell you what we'll do.

Every time we have a drop of our own...we'll buy a round from you.

We don't mind paying for it, as long as you don't except us to drink it.

So we'll just have the same again.

Well, that's different. No, it's no'!

What will my other customers think when they see you pouring

-it doon the drain?

-Aye, well, you have a point there, yes.

I tell you what, just pour whisky into an old petrol tin

and Sunny Jim can use it for the navigation lamps.

LAUGHTER

I sell good stuff! What's so special about yours?

Well, we can't quite explain,

except that it's spoiled us for anything else.

Here, try it yourself.

Oh... Ho, ho, ho...

It's like... It's like the Hampden roar set to music.

-Aye, it's a drop of good stuff, eh?

-What's it called?

-Oh...

Highlandman's Bliss.

Highlandman's Bliss? Never heard of! Who makes it?

Well, now, it's...it's a small distillery. A family concern.

You won't have heard of it. Most of the stuff goes for the exports.

We're only allowed to buy it on condition that we drink it

outside the three-mile limit, you see.

I don't suppose you could get me a bottle or two on the quiet?

I don't mind paying over the odds for it.

Oh, by Jove, Mr MacGubbin, you don't know what you're asking!

No, the exports would raise the matter in Parliament.

Captain, could you not do Mr MacGubbin a wee favour?

I mean, he's been very good about giving us credit.

I don't think he'd tell anybody.

I'LL NO' SAY...

I'll no' say a word.

Aye, well, then maybe I could write a wee note to my cousin...

I mean to the managing director, to ask if he could spare you a barrel.

A barrel?!

They'll be climbing through the windows to get at it.

Captain, I'll be your friend for life.

And you can rely on my complete discretion.

Cheers.

Uh-uh! Try a wee drop of ours.

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

ALL: Slainte!

ALL SIGH WITH PLEASURE

HE BLOWS HORN

Will you make up your mind?

One minute it's stop engines, next minute it's full steam ahead.

You cannae put a powerful piece of machinery like that...

We're heading away from the pier!

We've just this minute seen the polis arresting my cousin Angus.

-The polis?!

-Aye. Another three minutes he would have had us too.

-Man, Para, that was a narrow escape you had.

-Aye, so it was.

-Aye.

-What do you mean, a narrow escape

-I

-had?

You were keen enough to share the money

and you're not going to back out now. You're as much involved as I am.

-Is that no' right, Dougie?

-Involved in what, Para?

-Selling the whisky!

-What whisky?

-INDISTINCT SHOUTING

You know fine what whisky! There you are! And if my cousin Angus...

-We're going back.

-No, no!

-We're not going back, Para!

Look, if my cousin Angus hadn't been there standing on the pier

because I wrote to him, the polis would never have arrested him.

You're carrying loyalty too far.

Aye, McPhail, loyalty is a word you don't know the meaning of.

But Angus is my cousin and he will be so hurt and disappointed

if he thought that I had let him down.

Besides, he might decide to show the polis the letter I sent him.

-Well, what's happening?

-The polis are still out there.

-I knew it.

We should never have turned back.

We should have kept on going when I told you to.

You're nothing but a coward, MacPhail, a coward!

From the tip of your ingrown toenail to the top of your greasy bonnet!

Now, now, now, let's not be having words amongst ourselves.

Oh, dear. There was no point in running away, Dan.

He'd have caught us in the long run.

I'm telling you we'd have got clean away if you'd done as I suggested.

Whoever heard of a steam puffer crossing the Atlantic?

That's right, Dan.

We would have needed at least another two bags of coal.

Well, the Irish Free State, then. We could have made Ireland dead easy.

It wouldn't have worked, Dan. They'd have sent word to the Inter-Polis.

-The What?

-The Inter-Polis.

And they're the very devils for extradition.

Not at all, not at all! Have you never heard of political asylums?

By Jove!

Once you've got into one of these places,

you might not...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

You know, I had a cousin up in Barra once.

Besides, distilling whisky's not a political offence.

It's against the government, isn't it?

-Oh, it's not the same thing at all.

-I tell you!

Oh, be quiet, the two of you while I'm trying to think!

It's your thinking that got us into this trouble in the first place.

No, no, get abroad. That's the answer.

Yes, sir, I'll be able to carve out a new future for myself.

I might even change my name.

What would you change it to, Dan?

Well, I've always fancied Victor.

-Victor?

-Yes.

Oh, no. I think you're more of a Robert.

Funny thing is I've always thought of you as a Robert.

-Have you?

-Aye.

-Robert.

-Aye.

Robert MacPhail.

It's my second name I want to change.

Well, you're not going abroad in my boat, Dan Victor Robert MacPhail

or whatever it is you want to call yourself.

And that is an end of it.

Now, then, Dougie,

do you recognise that policeman that's sitting up there?

-No, I've never seen him before, Para.

-No, me neither.

Be different, now, if it had been the sergeant.

But, well, since I don't recognise him,

there's a good chance that he won't know me either.

-Hey, Para, what have you got in mind?

-Oh, just a wee chat.

That's all. Just a wee chat.

By Jove! We're in trouble this time, right enough.

Let's see. Let's just have a wee think about it.

Maybe we'll be able to see a way out of this.

-Here! I've got it!

-BOTH:

-What?

How about Kenneth?

Oh, Kenneth's a lovely name.

James, at a time like this, it's not names we'll be having,

it's numbers.

By Jove, it's going to be a bad one, eh?

I didn't see you there. What was that?

I was just saying to my mate Dougie, there,

"Oh, look at that polisman's devotion to duty,

"sitting up there without even as much as an umbrella."

What would I want with an umbrella? It's not raining.

Look, blue skies, not a cloud in sight.

Well, it's always like that just before a hurricane.

Hurricane? What hurricane?

Then you haven't heard the shipping forecast.

Oh, man, man, it is leaving a trail of devastation.

You know that boats have been sinking

and licensed premises have been flooded?

-Get away!

-Ah, if Dougie was here, he would tell you.

You know, there's prefabricated houses in Glasgow

that used to be in Edinburgh.

And it's coming this way.

If I was you, I would go home and get a raincoat.

Don't think the sergeant would be very pleased.

-You see, I'm supposed to be guarding that barrel.

-What a disgrace!

Keeping you on a job like this

when there are people out there committing crimewaves.

Well, you see...

It's not so much the barrel, its what's inside the barrel.

-The barrel's full of whisky.

-Whisky!

-Oh, never!

-I'm telling you.

There's not a drop of it's paid duty.

Is there no end to human depravity?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

You'd be surprised, captain.

You take that old man we arrested this morning, Angus McFarlane.

You'd think butter wouldn't melt in his mouth

but we caught him red-handed with this.

Well, I hope you'll show him no mercy.

Oh, we've got him this time.

That's the evidence.

I'll tell you what's more,

soon find out who it was meant for.

Oh!

Have I not just thought of the most ingenious idea!

-Man, you'll be fair amazed at its brilliance.

-What is it, Dougie?

While the policeman's attention is elsewhere,

Para, me and MacPhail will run across and steal the barrel.

Oh, that's a good idea.

But supposing he sees you taking it?

Ah, but he won't, Sunny James.

He'll be far too busy saving a young man from drowning.

Oh, that's a great idea!

It'll no' work.

Sounds all right to me.

Aye, but who's the man that's drowning?

Well, now, it's not the sort of thing we can ask a stranger to do.

-It'll have to be one of us.

-Aye, which one?

Well, now, that's a matter for discussion.

Oh, I see. And while the man's drowning,

you three go and steal the barrel of whisky?

Just so.

Doesn't sound like a very long discussion.

Well, here's Para. We'll let him decide.

-What did you find out?

-We haven't much time, Dan.

The sergeant is coming down with a van to the end of the pier

-to take the whisky up to the station.

-We're done for!

-Aye.

Oh, this time we're done for!

What made them suspect Angus in the first place?

Oh, it is a tragic tale of human greed, Dougie,

and should be a lesson to us all.

You see, when Angus had finished distilling the whisky,

he was left with six hundredweights of barley mash to be got rid of.

He should've dumped it out of the end of the pier.

Aye, so he should have,

but, instead of that, he sold it for animal feeding.

And, two days later, the polismen heard...

The polis heard that the milkman was drunk in charge of his horse.

And was he?

No, the horse was drunk in charge of a milkman.

Man, that's terrible!

Aye, and not only the milk horse, either.

He was selling it to all the farmers

and now there isn't a cow in the district that hasn't got a hangover.

By Jove! It's fair disgraceful!

Aye, to think they're assessing all the milk bottles for their TT.

Ah, heck, never you mind, Para.

While you were away, I thought up an idea.

It'll not work.

Well, you can forget about it anyway because I have a better one.

Now, Jim, go you and get your melodeon now.

Dougie, MacPhail, you put the dinghy over the side.

The melodeon? What for?

Because we're going to have a wee concert at the end of the pier.

# Oh, Campbeltown Loch, I wish you were whisky

# Campbeltown Loch, och, aye... #

What's all this?

What's all this?

We're just having a wee singsong, Constable.

You know, when I take it into my head to have a song,

there's no holding me back. Have you any objections?

Well... Well, you could be disturbing the peace.

Disturbing the peace with nothing here to hear me

but yourself and the seagulls?

And, if they don't like us, they'll soon let us know.

Aye, just so, Sunny Jim.

And we can't be breaking any bylaws.

You can do what you like on this pier

apart from committing murder and swearing on Sundays.

Oh, well, do you have to...

HE STOMPS

I mean it cannae be very good for the timbers.

By Jove! Will you hear the man!

Do you not know that the feet stamping

is the most interesting part of the performance?

He's got to keep time, hasn't he?

Aye, if only I had my other boots on, eh?

These ones are too light for singing with.

# Oh, Campbeltown Loch, I wish you were whisky

# Campbeltown Loch, och aye

# Oh, Campbeltown Loch I wish you were whisky... #

Oh, you...

# How nice it would be if the whisky was free

# And the loch was filled up to the brim

# Oh, Campbeltown Loch I wish you were whisky... #

PARA SCREAMS

Hee-ha!

HE STRUGGLES

Sober up, Dan.

HE SLURS

Dan, Dan, do you hear me?

Dan, we've got to get out of here.

HE SLURS

Dan! We need you to work the engines. Come on.

Hey, Dougie, will you give us a dram, eh?

After 26 courses of Campbeltown Loch,

I feel I need a wee bit of lubrication.

Hey, what is Dan MacPhail doing there having a sleep

when he should be down stoking the boiler?

He's not asleep. He's drunk.

You see, after we filled all these buckets and things,

there was still half a gallon of whisky left in the vat.

Well, he didn't want to see it go to waste.

And he stuck his mouth under the hole? Ah, Dan!

He'll not be sober till Tuesday week!

By the time the polis get here, we should be halfway to Glasgow.

Maybe if we hung upside down and let him drip, eh?

That would take too long.

HE SLURS

Oh, Para, we've got to dump that whisky over the side

before they arrive.

Ah, no, somebody might see us.

No, we need to hide it somewhere.

Aye, and I know just the very place.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Everything under control, Sergeant.

-Good.

I've left the van up at the end of the pier

so we'll just lift this thing up

and proceed up there with it in an orderly manner.

One, two, three. Heave!

Fraser.

Yes, Sergeant?

Put it down.

Yes, Sergeant.

Well?

Feels empty, Sergeant.

Is that a fact?

You're wasted in the uniform branch.

I know it's empty, you know it's empty, but how did it get empty?

I don't know, Sergeant, honest! I've been here all the time.

I was sitting on it.

This barrel was full of whisky when I left here.

Fraser, let me smell your breath.

No, no, no. It's impossible.

Now, think,

-has there been anyone else loitering about here beside yourself?

-No.

Aye! Aye, there was. There was two men.

One of them had a melodeon

and the other sang 26 choruses of Campbeltown Loch.

No, honest, Sergeant. You know!

# Oh, Campbeltown Loch, I wish you were whisky... #

It is possible! You've been at it, haven't you?

You drank it all, didn't you not?

No, Sergeant! Honest I didn't!

It was two men. Off a puffer!

Off a puffer? What puffer...?

The Vital Spark.

Here you are, Dan.

This'll sober you right away.

It's instant coffee.

Do you not like it?

What's going on here, eh?

What's happening here?

Aye, coming aboard and searching a merchant marine vessel

without a warrant.

You've got the stuff hidden somewhere, Para Handy.

And I've found it.

The place smells like a distillery.

What's that about a distillery?

You're taking the chrome off my whistle.

You see, it's my engineer who smells like a distillery and not the boat.

Aye, well, you tell him not to breathe on me when I'm in uniform.

You must have hid it somewhere.

Where have you put the whisky?

Well, you see, you've searched everywhere and you cannae find it.

Well, you've destroyed valuable evidence

and you've got away with it this time

but, mind, I'm watching you.

I don't like your attitude!

Let me at them and I'll throw the two of them overboard!

Where have you put the whisky, Para?

Never you mind, MacPhail.

But just stand well back the next time you light that boiler.

Aye, Dougie, she's making good speed, eh?

Must be doing ten knots at least.

Aye, and so she should.

Shame the steam's 90% water and 10% whisky.

Ah, well, there's no point in being bitter, eh?

At least my cousin Angus'll get to his daughter's wedding.

Grand piano or no.

I suppose that's the main thing.

Para, there's a rowing boat coming across our bows.

Give him a blast.

WHISTLE BLARES

WHISTLE HICCUPS

Well, damn me, Dougie!

That's the first time I ever heard a steam puffer with a hiccup, eh!