Home from Home

RADIO: And it's causing long delays on the M11 as well...

GROANING

Come on!

What time were we supposed to pick up the key?

An hour and a half ago.

We might as well turn round!

It's entirely up to you.

Well, we can't turn round now.

It's your call.

What do you want me to do, stick my arm out the window?

If everybody could just back up about five or six miles,

we're turning round!

Nobody's moved.

Shall we tell them?

-What do you think?

-Oh, let's tell them!

Do you want to tell them, or shall I?

-I don't mind.

-I'll tell them.

Little Neil, take your headphones out.

I'm pillaging the realm of the Mandrake King!

Ow! Get lost, you weirdo!

-Fetch.

-Stop it now, or you won't get your onion rings at tea.

-He started it.

-Just let me torch the granary!

You can torch it in a minute!

Your dad wants to speak to you.

And you, put Mr James down.

It's M R James.

Oi!

Pass us the Pringle tub, love.

Drum roll...

Right. We were going to save this announcement till we got there,

but...

I can't wait!

We've not just booked a lodge in the Lake District...

..we've bought one! SHE SQUEALS

-How many bedrooms?

-Two.

I am not sharing!

It'll be the start of a whole new chapter for this family.

Me and your mum have grafted 20 years for this,

and we've done it all for you.

It's going to be our little place in paradise, our Shangri-La.

See what he's doing over there?

Oh, just ignore him, love.

What? Who?

Nothing. I thought you had a granary to torch.

Oh, now, the teacher should be doing something about that!

-That's it!

-Where are you going?

Neil!

-What is he doing?

-Can I go with him?

Let me on board!

-Michael Douglas!

-Right, who's in charge here?

-I want to speak to your teacher.

-I am the teacher! What is going on?

One of your pupils was making lewd gestures at my family,

and I want him disciplined immediately!

What kind of gestures?

-Hand gestures.

-What kind of hand gestures?

He was suggesting that I...

..enjoy my own company.

And then he started blowing kisses at me!

Well, that's a nice gesture.

No, it's not, mate. That's a nice gesture!

Making a cup of tea is a nice gesture.

Oh, milk and two sugars if you're offering!

THEY LAUGH

Listen, you, nobody makes a fool of Neil Hackett!

-When's he coming back?

-Why did he even get on?

Why does your dad do anything? Why did he chop down the bird table?

Why did he wear that sombrero to Grandad's funeral?

Sorry.

-Is that it?

-Thank you, Macca.

Macca?! You're not his friend, you're his teacher!

We make no distinction at Saint Josephs.

-We're a community.

-So was Waco!

In my day, I'd have been bent over the headmaster's desk

and given what for! THEY LAUGH

The world's gone mad!

You got out of your car in the middle of a main road

because Macca blew kisses at you, and you think we've gone mad?

It's not like we were going anywhere.

Well, we are now!

HORNS BEEP

Drive, Mum! Drive!

HORNS BEEP

All right! All right!

I'll kill him!

# Going up the country, don't you wanna go?

# Going up the country, don't you wanna go?

RINGTONE: # Like a virgin

# Touched for the very... #

Hi, you've reached Ben Thistlethwaite,

site manager of the Lakeview Holiday Park.

I'm sorry I'm not here at the moment.

Please leave a message.

BEEP!

Here we are!

Home sweet second home.

Dad, it's epic!

-Isn't she just?

-I can't believe it's ours.

-Neither can I.

-Can we go in the hot tub?

Of course you can... Eh?

That isn't ours, little Neil!

This one is!

See, we've gone for your more classic cabin-style lodge.

This is one of the original properties on the park.

Practically a listed building!

-Has it got a hot tub?

-It's got a tub, yeah.

You can put hot water in.

Ben said the key's above the door.

-Who's Ben?

-Ben Thistlethwaite, the park owner.

Oh, you haven't to call him Mr Thistlethwaite, Ben?

It's easier than calling him Mr Thistlethwaite!

-Ow!

-What is it?

-A splinter.

-Do you mean a bath?

-Oh ho ho!

-It's lovely!

Where's my room?

So, what do you reckon, Garth?

REGULAR SQUEAKING

Is there Wi-Fi?

Wi-Fi?

Wi-Fi!

Who needs Wi-Fi with a view like this!

REGULAR SQUEAKING

Somewhere out there, there's a forest, a lake...

DISTANT THUNK ..mountains, red squirrels.

I think I broke Garth's bed.

Look, I'll fix it in the morning.

-Come and finish your tea.

-Can I have a sip?

One sip.

-Cheers, big man.

-Cheers.

I don't want to miss Football Focus.

You're not going to miss Football Focus.

Don't you mean who needs Football Focus with a view like that?

Well...

Yeah, he's right. You don't need Football Focus.

You've got a forest, a lake, mountains...

-Red squirrels.

-Yeah, I was coming to them, thank you.

What's so good about red squirrels?

Well, they're...

-dead rare.

-I thought you hated squirrels.

Normal squirrels, yeah.

But not red ones.

What is it about red squirrels that makes you like them more than normal squirrels?

And Football Focus, and Wi-Fi?

Isn't it time these two were getting ready for bed?

No, come on, Neil, answer the question.

What is it about red squirrels?

Well, they're red!

Aren't they?

Because they are red!

Hold still.

Wait a sec.

-What's that for?

-I don't want to wake the kids up!

I'm taking out a splinter, not amputating your leg!

Well, you could slay a vampire with that thing!

Right, ready when you are.

-Is that all of it?

-Mmm. Both millimetres.

Here,

have this for the pain.

Oh, ta.

Well, we did it, then.

Mm, we did.

HE HUMS

Hell's teeth!

KNOCKING

Could somebody get that, please?

Boys!

Are you expecting anyone?

No.

-Fiona?

-I think so.

-Yes!

-Sorry, it's Robert, from across the way.

Nice...place, you've got.

Oh, thank you. Well, you too!

Neil Hackett.

Oh! Well, look, I picked you up some eggs on my way back from my run

-this morning.

-Oh!

-Very nice.

-How much do we owe you?

Oh, no, don't be silly, no.

Those were laid this morning, they're still warm!

Oh, warm eggs, lovely!

Yeah. The farmer's got a whole load of brown Leghorns.

I say, I say, what's the big idea chasin' my worm?

Fred Elliott?

-Foghorn Leghorn.

-Oh, right, yes, of course!

Obviously! I say, I say, I say,

the boy talks so much he got sunburn on his tongue!

Now, that's Foghorn Leghorn!

Almost there.

So would you guys like to join us for a bite to eat later?

-We're barbecuing.

-We were thinking of going to...

-We'd be delighted to, Robert. Thank you.

-Great.

-How many are you?

-There's just us and the two boys.

Right. We've only got the one, Petra, she's just turned 15.

-Oh, you don't look old enough!

-Oh!

Well, great, well, see you later.

-OK, bye.

-Look forward to it.

Eh?!

If he thinks I'm eating warm eggs,

he's even dafter than he looks!

-They're fresh!

-Fresh from a chicken's backside!

Where else would they come from!

Probably riddled with E. Coli, salmonella, and God knows what.

You know me, I like my eggs in a box,

with a bar code and a best before date.

It was a very thoughtful gesture.

He seems lovely.

Yeah, but, you think that now,

that's before the favours start rolling in!

Would you mind if I... You know, could I just...

They'll end up being the most expensive eggs you ever eat.

Fine, you can have cornflakes.

Oh, I need to iron you a clean shirt.

Why? Come on, I'll only end up getting brown sauce down it.

Presuming they do brown sauce.

Probably be all home-made hummus and free-range guacamole.

It might be fun.

With a bit of luck, we could be friends with them for years!

Dad, Dad!

That bloke next door can do a Neymar flick!

# Together we'll stand

# Divided we'll fall

# Come on now, people, let's get on the ball

# And work together

# Come on, come on, let's work together... #

Can't get a screw loose!

You surprise me!

Thistlethwaite promised you they were demolishing that eyesore!

They seem pleasant enough.

You're loving this, aren't you?

Absolutely loving it.

How easy would it be for you to come out? what would it cost you?

No, no, no.

Have to do it the hard way every single time.

I'm telling you, my friend,

you are messing with the wrong hombre.

Ooh!

What's he doing out there?

His best. What do you think?

I prefer the other one.

MUFFLED ARGUMENT

Everything all right up there?

Tickety-boo!

-Nice day for it.

-Yeah, wonderful!

I'm going to go out and...

get some fish.

Ooooahhhh!

That's great, Dad! Don't move!

Aaagghh!

Dad, it's gone again!

That aftershave were a quarter full.

-I spilt it.

-I shouldn't stand too close to the barbecue.

You'll go up like the Hindenburg.

-Greetings.

-So glad you could make it.

Right, shall we do formal introductions then?

This is my wife, Penny.

And my daughter, Petra.

Hi.

-This is Garth.

-Garth.

Little Neil.

This is my wife, Fiona.

Stop that, little Neil.

Last, and by every means least, I am Neil.

After Neil Armstrong.

-Really?

-Well, what else could they call me?

I was born at 3am on the 21st of July, 1969.

Just as he set foot on another world, I stepped foot onto this one.

You could walk from birth?

Well, all I can say is,

I'm glad Buzz Aldrin was second down that ladder!

Ha-ha! Yeah...

-Oh! Sorry.

-No, no, no, it's fine.

It's fine. Here we go.

-Did you play?

-No, no, not really.

You were captain of England Universities.

Yeah, it was a terribly long time ago.

Never really played properly, did you?

No, actually, I had a couple of runouts at Northampton, but...

Well, it wasn't really for me.

I wanted to travel, you know, see the world.

So, Penny, where did you meet?

The Full Moon Party at Koh Phangan.

In the early days.

I know they're rather passe and overcrowded now.

-Terribly.

-Back then, it was quite something.

I was three months out of boarding school.

Roedean.

He was swimming in the bay.

He came out of the water...

..naked.

The moonlight was catching droplets on his skin.

He was glowing.

Only one person was going to dry him off that night.

And it wasn't his girlfriend Tanya.

Right...

So, what about you two? Where did you meet?

Fully clothed.

North Staffs General.

He was running the WH Smith concession.

I'm at Keele Services now.

North and South bound.

-At the same time?

-I shuttle between the two.

Seem to spend half my life on that footbridge, don't I?

So, if you're ever passing through...

How could we be anything else?

Right, then, well, can I get you some drinks?

-Yes.

-Lager for me, and white wine for the lady. Please.

Just some fizzy pop for the kids if you've got it, ta.

Petra, can you get the...

Oh, we've brought some food.

-Oh!

-There you go.

Burgers, grillsteaks.

-Full Monty.

-You shouldn't have.

No, this is great. All the more to go round!

Yes, I was rather lucky this afternoon,

I caught some trout at the lake.

There you go. And we've got some free-range chicken marinating

in the fridge. I say, I say, I say, free-range chicken!

Private joke.

What else? Oh, yes,

veggie kebabs and we have got some guacamole and hummus.

Ketchup, mustard.

Oh, tzatziki, and obviously brown sauce.

Of course, in Ibiza, it was all tapas.

We had a place up north in Portinatx.

Oh, lovely!

It was 20 minutes from Club Mambo.

With a Grecian pool and a view across the bay.

We had an orchard.

Oranges.

Lemons.

Cherries.

Olives.

Almonds.

Figs.

Pears.

Apricots.

Pomegranates.

No apples?

Your daughter... From a previous relationship, was she?

-No, no.

-Oh, right.

Well, you know what they say,

when you're in love with a beautiful woman, it's hard.

Still, you seem to have worked through it. All fairness to you.

-You know, sometimes it takes the bigger bloke...

-We adopted her.

She was in an orphanage in Ghana.

Beats coming back with a snow globe!

Not that you'd...

get a snow globe in Africa.

What have you got on that chicken, eh?

I say, I say, I...

I say.

Amazing wildlife round here.

Yeah.

It's a pigeon.

I took a bit of a stroll this afternoon with the old bins.

-Oh, right?

-Caught sight of a red squirrel, actually.

You saw a red squirrel?!

We've been here two years and I still haven't seen one.

Where was it?

Just over the way there. By the trees.

-Really? So close?

-Yeah.

Hell of a creature, the red squirrel.

AKA Sciurus vulgaris, of course.

It's omnivorous, I imagine.

And arboreal.

Growing to about 21 centimetres in length.

So, Penny,

what do you miss most about Ibiza?

It's hard to say. The climate, the pool boy.

The recreational drugs.

Dad, what are recreational...

Just be quiet and eat your grillsteak.

This is more my style.

A bit less racy!

That's what the Gestapo said.

It just became too far to travel.

You know, you've got to book the flights, then you've got to get from

the airport to the villa and if we ever wanted to go out of season,

there were no direct flights. You know, it just...

-It all just became a bit of a faff.

-He wanted me to "turn it down".

I don't know what all the fuss was about.

I only went out four, five nights a week.

Wow!

If I get out once a month with my sister, I've done well!

And now we're halfway up a mountain in the rain capital of England!

Still drink sangria, though! Can I tempt you, Neil?

-No. Thank you.

-Oh.

Last time I drank sangria,

I seized control of a charter boat and set a course for Tangiers.

Ha-ha-ha!

Your dad's funny.

Oh, no, he's not joking.

Still, at least I've got my hot tub.

Yes.

Yeah, that was the deal-breaker.

Oh, listen, if you guys ever want to use it, please feel...

..to, erm...

Wonderful thing you did, adopting.

And not just from around the corner. They did a Madonna.

I could never figure out, you know,

when she could actually have kids herself.

I mean, maybe you can, I...

I don't know.

Probably not my place to ask.

Well, of course it is!

If I can't discuss my reproductive health at a barbecue

with total strangers, when can I?

Mmm.

Still, look on the bright side.

27 hours in labour, she was.

-Neil...

-It's his fault.

He didn't want to join us.

They had the serving spoons out and everything.

Whereas this one, more like the big bowl slide at Waterworld!

-Whoosh!

-Neil!

It's the atmospherics round here.

POP, THEY CHEER

Must be a blind spot.

What are you going to do about it?

What can I do? Move Scafell Pike six inches to the left?

Well, it depends.

How far did you move it for the Dillons?

Has my cheque cleared yet?

Yesterday morning.

She's all yours.

How would I go about selling a place like this?

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha! Good luck with that!

Five and a half years this old shack was on the market.

Not so much as a sniff until you phoned.

Oh, oh, oh...

-Oh.

-What?

-Oh.

-What?

-Oh, oh...

No.

# Ramble on

# And now's the time, the time is now, to sing my song... #

THEY GIGGLE

Hurray!

There.

There.

No, don't...

My pony would have been 36 tomorrow.

Binky.

Binky?

We were North Surrey Junior Dressage champions

three years on the trot.

My bedroom wall was a sea of rosettes.

I wish I'd kept them.

Can I tell you something I've never told a single other person?

Not even Fiona?

You can tell me anything.

I wish Buzz Aldrin had been first off that ladder.

I don't like the name Neil.

It always feels more like a command.

So you wish you were called Buzz?

Think about it.

Where's Buzz?

Buzz went over here. Buzz, your...

..quarterly figures were outstanding.

I could call you Buzz.

-Would you do that?

-For you, Buzz...

..anything.

Oh, I love this song!

# Desperado...

# Why don't you come to your senses?

# Been out riding fences for so long now...

BOTH: # Oh, you're a hard one!

# I know that you got your reasons

# These things that are pleasin' you

# Can hurt you somehow

THEY LAUGH

# Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy!

# She'll beat you if she's able

# You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

# Now it seems to me, some fine things

# Have been laid upon your table

ALL LAUGH

# But you only want the ones that you can't get

# Desperado

# Oh, you ain't gettin' no younger

# And freedom, oh, freedom...

RETCHES

RETCHES VIOLENTLY

Tangiers!

It was a dream.

It was a dream.

It was a dream!

What on earth have you got to celebrate?

This god-awful nightmare, that barbecue last night,

I threw up in the...

Hot tub?

Did it really happen?

It always really happens.

Did you manage to get it all out?

Most of it.

Yes!

It's perfect!

Whoa!

This is the life, isn't it?

Should've been.

# I'm going up the country, baby, don't you wanna go?

# I'm going up the country, baby, don't you wanna go?

# I'm going to some place where I've never been before

# I'm going, I'm going where the water tastes like wine

# I'm going where the water tastes like wine... #