Pilot Motherland

This programme contains some strong language.

Stop it! Give it! Give it back!

A total mess! OK, when we get there, we need to be really quick.

I'm just going to drop you in the playground, OK?

Really, really quickly, no hugs, no kisses, nothing.

VAN HONKS HORN Baby on board, arsehole!

AN ELECTRONIC TOY SPEAKS IN THE BACK-SEAT

Why do we even need them?

Why do we need to slow people down? It's ridiculous!

Go on, you're supposed to do it there,

that's what they're there for.

That's why they plant them.

Don't do that, don't do that!

Marie! Hi, at last.

Can you... No, my hands-free isn't working.

Listen, can you, uh, can you put me on the phone to...

Can you give Andrew a message for me?

Can you just tell him that I'm running a bit late?

I've got to drop the kids off at school.

What? My kids, yeah.

Uh, a boy and a girl. Listen, I can't, uh, can't talk now, Marie.

OK, bye. TOY SPEAKS AND CHIRPS

Give me the Bop It. Give me the Bop It.

Give me the Bop It!

Someone's in a hurry, aren't they?

What is this? What is this?!

What?!

Come on, there's nothing there.

There's nothing here, there's no hole, there's no roadworks,

there's no traffic jam, there's nothing here.

Why are you here? Why are you here?!

OK, I'm going to go. I'm going to go.

Go.

CAR HORN HONKS

SECOND CAR JOINS THE HONKING

Can you...? I'm sorry!

Can you move back?

I'm so sorry. Can you go back?

Just reverse! Move! Go back!

Just go back! I'm stuck in again! SHE SCREAMS

Come on, faster!

All right, which is your classroom? I know it's not that one.

-Hello?

-Hello.

Hello, Ivy. Hello, James. Sorry, you are?

-I'm Julia, I'm their mum.

-Oh, of course.

-Have you got an appointment?

-No. I was just here to...

Did you forget it was half-term?

No.

Children are in their school uniforms.

Yeah. That's because they're going to a...

back to school disco/children theme party.

Are you here to see Mrs Lawson?

-Who?

-The headmistress.

Yes. Yes, that's why I'm here, that's what I'd like to do.

-OK.

-OK.

Ivy didn't mention anything about being bullied.

It's classic victim behaviour.

Who's doing this?

-Leo Martin.

-Leo Martin?!

You know he's five?

Yes.

Yes, my understanding is that he is an evil...

..child prodigy type.

Let me speak to Leo's teacher.

-Please do.

-Janet.

Oh, Leo's teacher, you are Leo's teacher.

Listen to this. Leo Martin.

Leo? Has something happened to him?

No, no, he's been bullying little Ivy.

Bullying?

What kind of bullying?

Mind...games.

Overtly condescending, tapping into her insecurities,

I think he said some things about her online.

-So, what's going on now?

-I'm calling Leo's mum.

Don't worry, we will get to the bottom of this.

Go for it.

INTERNAL RING TONE

Do you know what? I just, I think, um...

I think I should just check the facts with Ivy first,

because now I come to think of it,

she can be a little untrustworthy and manipulative herself.

SHE EXHALES

Thank you so much for this.

Oh, my God. It's like a weight off.

I feel so much better about it already.

Thank you. Thank you.

Actually, while I'm here, are there any clubs on this half-term?

Chess? Latin?

I just don't like them to switch off.

Is there anything happening today?

Like now? Is anything happening right now?

OK, kids, forget school, we're not doing school.

Right.

OK.

Two minutes, two minutes, I'll be back.

Mum?

Mum?!

Oh, my God!

I can see you. I know you're in there, hiding behind the sofa.

Mother!

-Mother!

-Julia, is that you?

Yes, it's me.

Were you hiding?

No, I-I was having a lie down.

Behind the sofa?

I had a fall.

Why are you acting like you're 90 years old or something?

Oh, right.

I see. Yeah, nice, yeah. They really suit you.

Uh, so when did you get back from your cruise?

-Yesterday.

-Oh, that's funny,

because Paul saw you in Waitrose on Saturday.

I must still be on Caribbean time.

You're here now, that's the main thing. I'll go and get the kids.

-Julia. Julia!

-What?

-We talked about this.

-Talked about what?

I'm not doing it any more, I can't.

I love them to bits, but I can't look after them any more.

-I thought that's what the holiday was for, I thought...

-No. No.

In fact, the holiday made me even more certain.

-After my lung collapsed...

-It didn't collapse!

-My lung did collapse!

OK, I'm not having this argument again.

If you're really serious about this,

how about we think about starting that in the new year,

and we can work out a way of getting you some free time.

-No, Julia, from now.

-OK. What about next month...?

No, now, Julia. Starting from now.

OK.

-I'm sorry.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I haven't got time for sorry. Unless it's "Sorry, I've changed my mind."

Is it "Sorry, I've changed my mind"?

-No.

-Right! Haven't got time for sorry.

No, no. Haven't got time for that.

CAR ENGINE STARTS

You know, it was your idea to have grandchildren, Mother!

What about Jelenka?

She's a cleaner, she's not a baby-sitter!

Anyway, I really don't trust Jelenka. I'm almost certain it was

her that ate my Easter egg that time.

-Why don't we have a Nanny again?

-What? No, I've told you...

I really want the children to be brought up the way I was.

-By my mother.

-What can I get you?

Look, I've got to go. Let's talk more later.

What am I going to do for the rest of the week?

I work too, you know.

There's this Peter Mandelson thing on Thursday.

Yeah, I know, and listen, whatever you decide, I am right behind you.

Bye.

Paul!

Paul! Paul!

Oh, you go ahead, I haven't decided yet.

Thanks. I'll have a Matcha please, and a...

Charlie, drop it. You're not getting an iPad.

Santa doesn't do them, the elves don't have the technology.

I wonder if Amanda knows about the situation up at Toasty's.

Situation at Toasty's? What situation at Toasty's?

Another breast-feeding incident.

They asked Deirdre to cover up.

I tell you, Liz, if it was men doing the feeding,

there'd be blokes all over this cafe with their breasts out.

-Hmm. Yeah.

-I'm just going to see if Amanda heard about it.

-Don't!

-What?

It's not going to happen, Kevin.

-What's not?

-We're not getting on the big table, they don't want us there.

You're going to have to accept it.

I'm just going to have a word.

"Oh, hi, Amanda, just wondering if you heard about

"the war on tits at Toasty's?"

"Oh, sorry, Kevin, my friends and I were hoping you'd died."

"OK, great, I'll send round

"an e-mail to discuss an appropriate response."

"Do whatever you like,

"my computer shits all your e-mails to a spam folder." "OK then, bye."

"Bye. Go away forever."

-I'm going to send round an e-mail.

-Yeah.

No, no, Duncan, today's out, forget about today.

I'm minding my kids.

Boy and a girl. Five and nine.

Look, Duncan, I don't need to be there

to watch Elaine print out a press release.

I'll definitely be there on Thursday.

I'm working on it, OK?

-We can go swimming.

-Yes.

-That'd be OK.

-And Miguel is watching yours and mine,

-and we're getting the mani-pedis on the Friday?

-Guys. Guys.

Go play with those kids over there.

No, the other ones! The other ones.

Yeah, I'd love to see it.

Bit long. Bit long.

-Because you do lose concentration...

-I do, I do.

And Friday, you and I could do yoga...

Awwww. Aw, they're getting on really well, aren't they?

Sweet.

It's Julia, isn't it?

That's right. And you're...?

-Could you just say your name?

-Amanda.

-That's right.

LAUGHTER

-How do we know each other?

-Our kids are in the same class.

Yes! Yes, yes, that's right, because...

Ivy's always talking about...

Your...

-Manus.

-MANUS! Yeah.

Have a seat. Budge up, Anne.

So, where's your mum this morning?

She still on her holiday?

Uh, no, no, she's back all right.

I, uh... Just thought I'd give her a break, so took the day off.

You work so hard.

I really admire how you can just switch off your family

and focus on your job, because - this is my personal thing...

I would just hate myself too much.

Yeah, I, I hate myself too much...

No, but I think I'd really hate myself.

I just love my kids too much.

Yeah, I love my kids too much, too, but I...

I'd die for my kids.

Yeah...I'd die for my kids.

If I had to, if I had...no choice.

Melissa's sitting there, sorry.

Oh, absolutely.

So, Amanda, I'll pop a few ideas in an e-mail,

what to do about the Toasty's situation.

-OK, Kevin.

-Great. Let me know your thoughts.

You all have my phone number, don't you?

Well, I did put it in my last e-mail, so everyone should have it.

Did everyone get my last e-mail?

It had the subject heading, "Urgent".

Tell Melissa we said hi.

-Slut.

-Kevin?

-No, Liz.

-Oh, right.

Oh, sorry, everyone, I've got a flat on Airbnb,

and the idiots have locked themselves out.

Ugh! Manus, Georgie.

Anne? Is there any chance you could take Manus and Georgie back to yours

-while I sort this out?

-Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Chris is at home from work, playing a computer game with swearing in it,

-so we're staying out the house.

-I'll take them.

-I could take them.

-You would?

Oh. Are you sure?

Yeah! Yeah, totally sure.

You go, go and do your thing, it's no problem.

I can take them, it's fine.

That's what we do, isn't it, us mums?

Scratch each other's backs, so I could take...

I could take them today, and you could, say, have mine on Thursday,

for example.

Well...thank you.

I'll give you my address - Anne, write it down.

I'm having some mums and kids over later for spag bol.

You and your lot are included.

So, do you want to bring them back for that later?

-Say, six?

-Six?!

OK, OK.

-Or four?

-No. Six.

-Six it is.

This is very kind of you, Julia.

-I'll get you back another time.

-Yeah, say, Thursday?

Thursday?

I just said I haven't got any money.

Yeah, I will be there, Andrew, I will.

I just have some childcare issues today, so...

A boy and a girl.

Aah, Jesus! Five and nine! Who cares?

Andrew?

Ow!

Manus, can I have a crisp? I didn't have any breakfast.

-No!

-Can I just have one crisp?

Stupid horse.

Just sit on it. Just sit on it! Rock it.

Stick two pennies together.

-What?

-If you stick two one-pences together, it thinks it's a pound.

Thanks.

HORSE PLAYS MUSIC AND SOUNDS

THE KIDS SQUEAL HAPPILY Thanks.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm just not really used to being with my kids like this.

Now there's all these other ones.

The one with the plait's just been really mean to me.

Look, I live just over there. Do you want to come and have a cup of tea?

I'll just wait for the horse to finish,

-cos I just want to get my money's worth.

-Sure.

Here we are. Downton Abbey.

Tea?

Yeah. You haven't got any herbal, have you?

Fennel, ginger, jasmine or mint?

Ooh. I'll have a mint, please.

I'm joking, I don't have any herbal tea.

Yorkshire. I've got tea from Yorkshire, how's that?

-Yeah, OK.

-Hey, guys...

Oh. No milk.

-So, what about you? Do you work?

-Yes, I organise corporate events.

-Wow.

-On Thursday,

I've got Peter Mandelson presenting the Women In Construction Awards.

Was it Mandelson who was on I'm A celebrity?

No.

Don't know who you're thinking of there.

Wish I could restart my career by eating worms.

THE KIDS YELL AND CHATTER IN BACKGROUND

Paul Burrell. That's who it was.

-Should they be doing that? Is that not...

-Um...No, it's fine.

-Wheee!

That's why I put the mattress there.

-Do you work?

-I was at Citizens Advice,

but one of my calls got recorded for training purposes, so...

that was that.

-What time is it now?

-Just past midday.

Fucking hell.

Are you going to this spag bol thing?

Nah, none of that lot like me.

I'm single, so they're afraid

I'm going to steal one of their fat husbands away.

I'm going to make a pizza for the kids.

Charlie gets a bit punchy if he hasn't eaten.

All right, let's get these lunatics rounded up.

Uh-uh, excuse me, we are not animals.

Use a magazine, please.

Actually, Liz, I will have something.

I didn't have any breakfast and I forgot to eat at the cafe.

Oh, shit, sorry, there's no more pizza.

-Cheese sandwich?

-If it's not a hassle. I am starving.

-You can freeze cheese?

-You can freeze anything.

Do you want a hand with that?

No, it's fine. I just need to hack into it to carve out some slices.

-Oh, shit.

-What?

Can you call a cab? I think I need to go to A&E.

-What? Why?

-Cut my finger off.

You cut your finger off?

-Aaah!

-Oh...

-Aaaah!

-Don't, don't! Just keep it together.

-Your finger is off!

-Focus.

-Aaah!

-Just focus!

An ambulance, yes?

An ambulance. You need an ambulance.

-Just call a cab.

-OK.

SHE HYPERVENTILATES

Neil's Taxis...

0207...9...

Hi, I need a taxi.

-What's your address?

-29 Minell Street.

29 Minell Street.

They said it's £50 if you bleed on the seat again.

-That's fine.

-That's fine.

OK.

Aaah!

Ooh!

Oh, will you be OK?

-Yeah, I think so.

-I'll try and get back as quick as I can.

Great, just as... As quick as you can.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Any idea how long these things take?

Liz? Any idea how long these things take?

THE KIDS YELL AND BICKER

Hi, Liz. I was just phoning to see how you are,

and I was just wondering what to do with your kids.

I have to go to this spag bol thing.

I am so hungry and all your food is frozen.

Um, no pressure, but it is half-five now.

OK, see if you could just give me a call. Bye.

Keith!

Keith! Keith!

Keith! Keith! Keith!

Keith!

It's Kevin!

Keith! Keith!

Kevin!

Wait there, wait there!

My God, is she all right?

No, no, she's fine, she just cut off a bit of her finger.

But listen, I have now got just a massive amount of children.

Could you help me with all these children?

-Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course.

-I'm just so hungry, Kevin.

Amanda's having a dinner, are you sure?

I haven't heard anything about it.

It's just an informal thing.

It's just a... It's a spag bol drop-in thing.

Oh, wow.

What are we waiting for?

Hey, everyone. We're all going for spag bol at Amanda's.

THE KIDS CONTINUE TO YELL AND BICKER

DOORBELL RINGS

Something smells good!

Can somebody else keep an ear out for the door?

That's not the point, the point is they're being picky

cos they know they can be. Yeah.

Well, we just have to play the same game that they're playing.

What are you doing?!

Down there! Down there!

Yeah. I don't know.

Mad woman and a load of kids.

Something smells good.

Oh, hey!

Aw, Julia, thank you so much.

Oh, they were as good as gold.

-Hello.

-Kevin's also here.

Oh.

-Yes.

-A blackboard wall.

I've always wanted a blackboard wall.

What do you write on it?

Just...what's written on it.

Walnuts.

-Yeah.

-What are you going to do with walnuts?

I'd love to eat a walnut.

Liz cut her finger off, so Kevin's been helping me with the kids.

-Liz cut her finger off?

-Yeah, just the top half.

-Oh.

Well...help yourself to wine, um....

-and we'll probably start serving soon.

-Great.

I've always wanted a look around your house, Amanda.

There's nothing I like better than going into other people's houses

and having a good old poke around.

Those two seem to have gotten over the Liz thing.

Storm in a teacup.

The Liz thing? What, her finger?

Ian gave Liz a lift home a few nights ago.

No, sorry, you lost me.

Sorry, Ian gave Liz a lift home...

You don't know? Liz slept with Melissa's husband.

Fuck! God, really?

I did not know that.

You sure? She doesn't seem like the type who'd be arsed.

Where are the kids?

Gone a bit quiet.

Ah.

Hello.

Just here to pick up my kids.

-Hello, hello.

-Oh!

Liz! No, you should stay, it's turned into a bit of a free-for-all.

So, um...help yourself to a glass of wine.

Oh, I shouldn't, I'm on painkillers.

Oh! You finger... Julia said. How is it?

It's not too bad. Still works.

They're not feeding the adults, Liz!

They're not feeding the adults!

None of these dicks like me.

Dicks!

I'm sure that's not true.

They hate me.

-Dicks!

-You know why that is, don't you?

-What?

-You know.

-No, I don't know, Kevin. What?

Because you slept with Melissa's husband.

Is that what they're saying?

Yeah.

That's interesting.

Yeah, so we went to the hospital on Wednesday and they had the results

of the scan, and basically they think it was a small stroke.

-Oh, no.

-Oh, no.

Sorry, I heard "small stroke," I don't know who that was,

but that is terrible, whoever that was.

My husband.

Ugh...yeah. Must've been a real pain in the arse.

How did that happen?

He was playing a computer game,

and I noticed his arm just dropped down the side of the sofa,

and when I went to take his hand, it just...

JULIA SCOFFS THE LEFTOVERS

..it felt like...a little dead bird.

ANNE WEEPS

Oh, there's some more. I'll just put that in the bin.

Julia!

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just...

Uh, I was just picking up the leftovers.

If you were hungry, you could've just asked.

You're making me feel like a bad hostess.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Do you want me to cook you something?

I can't bear to see you eat out of the bin like a homeless person.

No, no, I wasn't eating out of the bin, it's just I...

I was just, you know,

I just thought there'd be food here for the adults.

-Oh, God.

-Wow.

Well, Julia, I've been dealing with something,

and I'm sorry I didn't have time to lay on a banquet.

No, I didn't mean...

-Do you want me to cook you an omelette?

-Honestly, I'm fine...

-No!

I insist. I can't have my guests eating out of the rubbish.

Does anyone else want food?

Anyone? I'm making Julia an omelette.

Anyone?

I'll have an omelette, actually, Amanda.

Saves me defrosting some eggs when I get home.

And while I get the chance, Melissa, I should say I feel bad.

I feel bad. I should've cleared the air and apologised

for taking your fat husband's virginity 20 years ago.

And while I'm at it, Anne, can you RSVP to Charlie's birthday party,

because he really wants Darius there,

and it'll break his fucking heart if his best friend doesn't make it.

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

TOILET FLUSHES

-What's going on?

-Amanda's making us an omelette.

Ooh, yes, please!

Wow, you must give me the recipe for that omelette.

Eggs.

Yeah. Keep it simple.

So, um...

Shall we, um, firm up Thursday...?

-Thursday's not going to work for me now. Lovely to see you all.

-Oh, I...

Did she just slam the door in my face?

That's a whole network of helpful mums I have no access to any more.

Oh, well. You can't make an omelette without telling a few skinny bitches

to go fuck themselves.

I can have a word with them if you like, that might help.

Oh, screw them. We don't need them.

We've got our own little gang right here.

Oh, all right, I'll take them Thursday.

Thank...!

I really appreciate it.

-And Friday, can you do Friday?

-Ugh.