Pilot Motherland


Pilot

Sitcom pilot from Graham Linehan and Sharon Horgan. Meet the Alpha Mums, headed by queen bee Amanda. There is also chaotic Liz, events organiser Julia and stay-at-home dad Kevin.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:020:00:10

Stop it! Give it! Give it back!

0:00:110:00:13

A total mess! OK, when we get there, we need to be really quick.

0:00:130:00:15

I'm just going to drop you in the playground, OK?

0:00:150:00:18

Really, really quickly, no hugs, no kisses, nothing.

0:00:180:00:20

VAN HONKS HORN Baby on board, arsehole!

0:00:200:00:22

AN ELECTRONIC TOY SPEAKS IN THE BACK-SEAT

0:00:220:00:25

Why do we even need them?

0:00:270:00:28

Why do we need to slow people down? It's ridiculous!

0:00:280:00:31

Go on, you're supposed to do it there,

0:00:360:00:38

that's what they're there for.

0:00:380:00:39

That's why they plant them.

0:00:390:00:41

Don't do that, don't do that!

0:00:410:00:43

Marie! Hi, at last.

0:00:430:00:45

Can you... No, my hands-free isn't working.

0:00:450:00:47

Listen, can you, uh, can you put me on the phone to...

0:00:470:00:49

Can you give Andrew a message for me?

0:00:490:00:51

Can you just tell him that I'm running a bit late?

0:00:510:00:53

I've got to drop the kids off at school.

0:00:530:00:56

What? My kids, yeah.

0:00:560:00:57

Uh, a boy and a girl. Listen, I can't, uh, can't talk now, Marie.

0:00:580:01:01

OK, bye. TOY SPEAKS AND CHIRPS

0:01:010:01:04

Give me the Bop It. Give me the Bop It.

0:01:040:01:07

Give me the Bop It!

0:01:070:01:09

Someone's in a hurry, aren't they?

0:01:090:01:11

What is this? What is this?!

0:01:130:01:15

What?!

0:01:150:01:17

Come on, there's nothing there.

0:01:220:01:23

There's nothing here, there's no hole, there's no roadworks,

0:01:230:01:26

there's no traffic jam, there's nothing here.

0:01:260:01:29

Why are you here? Why are you here?!

0:01:290:01:31

OK, I'm going to go. I'm going to go.

0:01:310:01:34

Go.

0:01:340:01:35

CAR HORN HONKS

0:01:390:01:40

SECOND CAR JOINS THE HONKING

0:01:430:01:46

Can you...? I'm sorry!

0:01:470:01:49

Can you move back?

0:01:490:01:51

I'm so sorry. Can you go back?

0:01:510:01:54

Just reverse! Move! Go back!

0:01:540:01:57

Just go back! I'm stuck in again! SHE SCREAMS

0:01:570:02:02

Come on, faster!

0:02:100:02:11

All right, which is your classroom? I know it's not that one.

0:02:260:02:29

-Hello?

-Hello.

0:02:290:02:31

Hello, Ivy. Hello, James. Sorry, you are?

0:02:310:02:34

-I'm Julia, I'm their mum.

-Oh, of course.

0:02:340:02:37

-Have you got an appointment?

-No. I was just here to...

0:02:370:02:40

Did you forget it was half-term?

0:02:430:02:45

No.

0:02:480:02:49

Children are in their school uniforms.

0:02:490:02:51

Yeah. That's because they're going to a...

0:02:510:02:55

back to school disco/children theme party.

0:02:550:02:59

Are you here to see Mrs Lawson?

0:03:000:03:02

-Who?

-The headmistress.

0:03:020:03:05

Yes. Yes, that's why I'm here, that's what I'd like to do.

0:03:050:03:09

-OK.

-OK.

0:03:090:03:10

Ivy didn't mention anything about being bullied.

0:03:140:03:17

It's classic victim behaviour.

0:03:170:03:19

Who's doing this?

0:03:190:03:21

-Leo Martin.

-Leo Martin?!

0:03:230:03:26

You know he's five?

0:03:280:03:30

Yes.

0:03:300:03:31

Yes, my understanding is that he is an evil...

0:03:320:03:37

..child prodigy type.

0:03:380:03:39

Let me speak to Leo's teacher.

0:03:410:03:42

-Please do.

-Janet.

0:03:420:03:45

Oh, Leo's teacher, you are Leo's teacher.

0:03:450:03:47

Listen to this. Leo Martin.

0:03:470:03:49

Leo? Has something happened to him?

0:03:490:03:51

No, no, he's been bullying little Ivy.

0:03:510:03:54

Bullying?

0:03:540:03:56

What kind of bullying?

0:03:560:03:58

Mind...games.

0:03:580:04:00

Overtly condescending, tapping into her insecurities,

0:04:000:04:03

I think he said some things about her online.

0:04:030:04:06

-So, what's going on now?

-I'm calling Leo's mum.

0:04:100:04:13

Don't worry, we will get to the bottom of this.

0:04:130:04:15

Go for it.

0:04:150:04:16

INTERNAL RING TONE

0:04:180:04:20

Do you know what? I just, I think, um...

0:04:210:04:24

I think I should just check the facts with Ivy first,

0:04:270:04:29

because now I come to think of it,

0:04:290:04:30

she can be a little untrustworthy and manipulative herself.

0:04:300:04:35

SHE EXHALES

0:04:370:04:38

Thank you so much for this.

0:04:380:04:41

Oh, my God. It's like a weight off.

0:04:410:04:43

I feel so much better about it already.

0:04:430:04:45

Thank you. Thank you.

0:04:450:04:48

Actually, while I'm here, are there any clubs on this half-term?

0:04:500:04:53

Chess? Latin?

0:04:530:04:55

I just don't like them to switch off.

0:04:550:04:57

Is there anything happening today?

0:04:570:04:58

Like now? Is anything happening right now?

0:04:580:05:00

OK, kids, forget school, we're not doing school.

0:05:030:05:06

Right.

0:05:090:05:10

OK.

0:05:110:05:13

Two minutes, two minutes, I'll be back.

0:05:130:05:15

Mum?

0:05:250:05:26

Mum?!

0:05:280:05:29

Oh, my God!

0:05:290:05:31

I can see you. I know you're in there, hiding behind the sofa.

0:05:320:05:36

Mother!

0:05:360:05:38

-Mother!

-Julia, is that you?

0:05:410:05:44

Yes, it's me.

0:05:440:05:45

Were you hiding?

0:05:480:05:49

No, I-I was having a lie down.

0:05:500:05:53

Behind the sofa?

0:05:540:05:57

I had a fall.

0:05:570:05:58

Why are you acting like you're 90 years old or something?

0:05:580:06:01

Oh, right.

0:06:010:06:02

I see. Yeah, nice, yeah. They really suit you.

0:06:030:06:07

Uh, so when did you get back from your cruise?

0:06:070:06:09

-Yesterday.

-Oh, that's funny,

0:06:090:06:11

because Paul saw you in Waitrose on Saturday.

0:06:110:06:13

I must still be on Caribbean time.

0:06:130:06:15

You're here now, that's the main thing. I'll go and get the kids.

0:06:150:06:18

-Julia. Julia!

-What?

-We talked about this.

-Talked about what?

0:06:180:06:21

I'm not doing it any more, I can't.

0:06:210:06:24

I love them to bits, but I can't look after them any more.

0:06:240:06:27

-I thought that's what the holiday was for, I thought...

-No. No.

0:06:290:06:33

In fact, the holiday made me even more certain.

0:06:330:06:37

-After my lung collapsed...

-It didn't collapse!

-My lung did collapse!

0:06:370:06:40

OK, I'm not having this argument again.

0:06:400:06:42

If you're really serious about this,

0:06:420:06:43

how about we think about starting that in the new year,

0:06:430:06:48

and we can work out a way of getting you some free time.

0:06:480:06:51

-No, Julia, from now.

-OK. What about next month...?

0:06:510:06:55

No, now, Julia. Starting from now.

0:06:550:06:58

OK.

0:07:040:07:05

-I'm sorry.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

0:07:060:07:09

I haven't got time for sorry. Unless it's "Sorry, I've changed my mind."

0:07:090:07:12

Is it "Sorry, I've changed my mind"?

0:07:120:07:14

-No.

-Right! Haven't got time for sorry.

0:07:140:07:17

No, no. Haven't got time for that.

0:07:170:07:20

CAR ENGINE STARTS

0:07:200:07:21

You know, it was your idea to have grandchildren, Mother!

0:07:290:07:31

What about Jelenka?

0:07:360:07:37

She's a cleaner, she's not a baby-sitter!

0:07:370:07:40

Anyway, I really don't trust Jelenka. I'm almost certain it was

0:07:400:07:43

her that ate my Easter egg that time.

0:07:430:07:45

-Why don't we have a Nanny again?

-What? No, I've told you...

0:07:450:07:49

I really want the children to be brought up the way I was.

0:07:490:07:52

-By my mother.

-What can I get you?

0:07:520:07:54

Look, I've got to go. Let's talk more later.

0:07:540:07:56

What am I going to do for the rest of the week?

0:07:560:07:58

I work too, you know.

0:07:580:08:00

There's this Peter Mandelson thing on Thursday.

0:08:000:08:03

Yeah, I know, and listen, whatever you decide, I am right behind you.

0:08:030:08:08

Bye.

0:08:080:08:09

Paul!

0:08:090:08:10

Paul! Paul!

0:08:100:08:12

Oh, you go ahead, I haven't decided yet.

0:08:120:08:15

Thanks. I'll have a Matcha please, and a...

0:08:150:08:18

Charlie, drop it. You're not getting an iPad.

0:08:230:08:26

Santa doesn't do them, the elves don't have the technology.

0:08:260:08:31

I wonder if Amanda knows about the situation up at Toasty's.

0:08:310:08:34

Situation at Toasty's? What situation at Toasty's?

0:08:340:08:38

Another breast-feeding incident.

0:08:380:08:40

They asked Deirdre to cover up.

0:08:400:08:41

I tell you, Liz, if it was men doing the feeding,

0:08:430:08:45

there'd be blokes all over this cafe with their breasts out.

0:08:450:08:48

-Hmm. Yeah.

-I'm just going to see if Amanda heard about it.

0:08:480:08:51

-Don't!

-What?

0:08:510:08:53

It's not going to happen, Kevin.

0:08:530:08:55

-What's not?

-We're not getting on the big table, they don't want us there.

0:08:550:08:59

You're going to have to accept it.

0:08:590:09:01

I'm just going to have a word.

0:09:010:09:03

"Oh, hi, Amanda, just wondering if you heard about

0:09:060:09:08

"the war on tits at Toasty's?"

0:09:080:09:10

"Oh, sorry, Kevin, my friends and I were hoping you'd died."

0:09:100:09:14

"OK, great, I'll send round

0:09:140:09:15

"an e-mail to discuss an appropriate response."

0:09:150:09:17

"Do whatever you like,

0:09:170:09:18

"my computer shits all your e-mails to a spam folder." "OK then, bye."

0:09:180:09:21

"Bye. Go away forever."

0:09:210:09:24

-I'm going to send round an e-mail.

-Yeah.

0:09:360:09:38

No, no, Duncan, today's out, forget about today.

0:09:440:09:48

I'm minding my kids.

0:09:480:09:49

Boy and a girl. Five and nine.

0:09:510:09:54

Look, Duncan, I don't need to be there

0:09:540:09:56

to watch Elaine print out a press release.

0:09:560:09:58

I'll definitely be there on Thursday.

0:09:580:10:01

I'm working on it, OK?

0:10:010:10:02

-We can go swimming.

-Yes.

0:10:160:10:18

-That'd be OK.

-And Miguel is watching yours and mine,

0:10:180:10:20

-and we're getting the mani-pedis on the Friday?

-Guys. Guys.

0:10:200:10:22

Go play with those kids over there.

0:10:240:10:26

No, the other ones! The other ones.

0:10:300:10:32

Yeah, I'd love to see it.

0:10:340:10:36

Bit long. Bit long.

0:10:360:10:38

-Because you do lose concentration...

-I do, I do.

0:10:380:10:41

And Friday, you and I could do yoga...

0:10:410:10:43

Awwww. Aw, they're getting on really well, aren't they?

0:10:430:10:47

Sweet.

0:10:470:10:49

It's Julia, isn't it?

0:10:500:10:52

That's right. And you're...?

0:10:520:10:54

-Could you just say your name?

-Amanda.

-That's right.

0:10:590:11:01

LAUGHTER

0:11:010:11:04

-How do we know each other?

-Our kids are in the same class.

0:11:040:11:07

Yes! Yes, yes, that's right, because...

0:11:070:11:10

Ivy's always talking about...

0:11:100:11:12

Your...

0:11:120:11:14

-Manus.

-MANUS! Yeah.

0:11:150:11:17

Have a seat. Budge up, Anne.

0:11:180:11:21

So, where's your mum this morning?

0:11:230:11:26

She still on her holiday?

0:11:260:11:27

Uh, no, no, she's back all right.

0:11:270:11:31

I, uh... Just thought I'd give her a break, so took the day off.

0:11:310:11:34

You work so hard.

0:11:360:11:39

I really admire how you can just switch off your family

0:11:390:11:42

and focus on your job, because - this is my personal thing...

0:11:420:11:47

I would just hate myself too much.

0:11:470:11:49

Yeah, I, I hate myself too much...

0:11:510:11:54

No, but I think I'd really hate myself.

0:11:540:11:58

I just love my kids too much.

0:11:590:12:02

Yeah, I love my kids too much, too, but I...

0:12:020:12:05

I'd die for my kids.

0:12:050:12:06

Yeah...I'd die for my kids.

0:12:100:12:13

If I had to, if I had...no choice.

0:12:130:12:16

Melissa's sitting there, sorry.

0:12:190:12:21

Oh, absolutely.

0:12:210:12:22

So, Amanda, I'll pop a few ideas in an e-mail,

0:12:230:12:26

what to do about the Toasty's situation.

0:12:260:12:28

-OK, Kevin.

-Great. Let me know your thoughts.

0:12:300:12:33

You all have my phone number, don't you?

0:12:330:12:35

Well, I did put it in my last e-mail, so everyone should have it.

0:12:350:12:38

Did everyone get my last e-mail?

0:12:390:12:42

It had the subject heading, "Urgent".

0:12:420:12:45

Tell Melissa we said hi.

0:12:450:12:47

-Slut.

-Kevin?

0:12:490:12:52

-No, Liz.

-Oh, right.

0:12:520:12:55

Oh, sorry, everyone, I've got a flat on Airbnb,

0:12:550:12:58

and the idiots have locked themselves out.

0:12:580:13:00

Ugh! Manus, Georgie.

0:13:000:13:03

Anne? Is there any chance you could take Manus and Georgie back to yours

0:13:040:13:08

-while I sort this out?

-Oh, God, I'm sorry.

0:13:080:13:10

Chris is at home from work, playing a computer game with swearing in it,

0:13:100:13:13

-so we're staying out the house.

-I'll take them.

0:13:130:13:16

-I could take them.

-You would?

0:13:170:13:20

Oh. Are you sure?

0:13:200:13:23

Yeah! Yeah, totally sure.

0:13:230:13:25

You go, go and do your thing, it's no problem.

0:13:250:13:27

I can take them, it's fine.

0:13:270:13:29

That's what we do, isn't it, us mums?

0:13:290:13:31

Scratch each other's backs, so I could take...

0:13:310:13:33

I could take them today, and you could, say, have mine on Thursday,

0:13:330:13:36

for example.

0:13:360:13:37

Well...thank you.

0:13:390:13:42

I'll give you my address - Anne, write it down.

0:13:420:13:44

I'm having some mums and kids over later for spag bol.

0:13:440:13:47

You and your lot are included.

0:13:470:13:49

So, do you want to bring them back for that later?

0:13:490:13:51

-Say, six?

-Six?!

0:13:510:13:53

OK, OK.

0:13:530:13:55

-Or four?

-No. Six.

-Six it is.

0:13:550:13:58

This is very kind of you, Julia.

0:14:010:14:04

-I'll get you back another time.

-Yeah, say, Thursday?

0:14:040:14:07

Thursday?

0:14:070:14:08

I just said I haven't got any money.

0:14:120:14:14

Yeah, I will be there, Andrew, I will.

0:14:140:14:16

I just have some childcare issues today, so...

0:14:160:14:19

A boy and a girl.

0:14:190:14:21

Aah, Jesus! Five and nine! Who cares?

0:14:210:14:25

Andrew?

0:14:250:14:26

Ow!

0:14:310:14:32

Manus, can I have a crisp? I didn't have any breakfast.

0:14:340:14:37

-No!

-Can I just have one crisp?

0:14:370:14:40

Stupid horse.

0:14:400:14:42

Just sit on it. Just sit on it! Rock it.

0:14:420:14:44

Stick two pennies together.

0:14:450:14:47

-What?

-If you stick two one-pences together, it thinks it's a pound.

0:14:470:14:51

Thanks.

0:14:540:14:55

HORSE PLAYS MUSIC AND SOUNDS

0:14:580:15:01

THE KIDS SQUEAL HAPPILY Thanks.

0:15:010:15:02

You all right?

0:15:060:15:08

Yeah, I'm just not really used to being with my kids like this.

0:15:080:15:11

Now there's all these other ones.

0:15:110:15:13

The one with the plait's just been really mean to me.

0:15:130:15:16

Look, I live just over there. Do you want to come and have a cup of tea?

0:15:170:15:20

I'll just wait for the horse to finish,

0:15:250:15:27

-cos I just want to get my money's worth.

-Sure.

0:15:270:15:30

Here we are. Downton Abbey.

0:15:380:15:40

Tea?

0:15:440:15:45

Yeah. You haven't got any herbal, have you?

0:15:450:15:47

Fennel, ginger, jasmine or mint?

0:15:470:15:51

Ooh. I'll have a mint, please.

0:15:510:15:53

I'm joking, I don't have any herbal tea.

0:15:530:15:56

Yorkshire. I've got tea from Yorkshire, how's that?

0:15:560:15:58

-Yeah, OK.

-Hey, guys...

0:15:580:16:00

Oh. No milk.

0:16:030:16:07

-So, what about you? Do you work?

-Yes, I organise corporate events.

0:16:070:16:11

-Wow.

-On Thursday,

0:16:110:16:12

I've got Peter Mandelson presenting the Women In Construction Awards.

0:16:120:16:16

Was it Mandelson who was on I'm A celebrity?

0:16:160:16:19

No.

0:16:200:16:22

Don't know who you're thinking of there.

0:16:220:16:24

Wish I could restart my career by eating worms.

0:16:240:16:27

THE KIDS YELL AND CHATTER IN BACKGROUND

0:16:270:16:29

Paul Burrell. That's who it was.

0:16:290:16:31

-Should they be doing that? Is that not...

-Um...No, it's fine.

-Wheee!

0:16:330:16:38

That's why I put the mattress there.

0:16:380:16:40

-Do you work?

-I was at Citizens Advice,

0:16:420:16:44

but one of my calls got recorded for training purposes, so...

0:16:440:16:48

that was that.

0:16:480:16:50

-What time is it now?

-Just past midday.

0:16:530:16:55

Fucking hell.

0:16:550:16:57

Are you going to this spag bol thing?

0:16:590:17:01

Nah, none of that lot like me.

0:17:010:17:03

I'm single, so they're afraid

0:17:030:17:04

I'm going to steal one of their fat husbands away.

0:17:040:17:07

I'm going to make a pizza for the kids.

0:17:070:17:09

Charlie gets a bit punchy if he hasn't eaten.

0:17:090:17:11

All right, let's get these lunatics rounded up.

0:17:110:17:14

Uh-uh, excuse me, we are not animals.

0:17:160:17:19

Use a magazine, please.

0:17:190:17:20

Actually, Liz, I will have something.

0:17:220:17:24

I didn't have any breakfast and I forgot to eat at the cafe.

0:17:240:17:27

Oh, shit, sorry, there's no more pizza.

0:17:270:17:30

-Cheese sandwich?

-If it's not a hassle. I am starving.

0:17:300:17:34

-You can freeze cheese?

-You can freeze anything.

0:17:370:17:40

Do you want a hand with that?

0:17:430:17:44

No, it's fine. I just need to hack into it to carve out some slices.

0:17:440:17:49

-Oh, shit.

-What?

0:17:520:17:54

Can you call a cab? I think I need to go to A&E.

0:17:540:17:57

-What? Why?

-Cut my finger off.

0:17:570:17:59

You cut your finger off?

0:17:590:18:01

-Aaah!

-Oh...

0:18:010:18:03

-Aaaah!

-Don't, don't! Just keep it together.

0:18:030:18:05

-Your finger is off!

-Focus.

-Aaah!

-Just focus!

0:18:050:18:08

An ambulance, yes?

0:18:080:18:10

An ambulance. You need an ambulance.

0:18:100:18:11

-Just call a cab.

-OK.

0:18:110:18:14

SHE HYPERVENTILATES

0:18:140:18:15

Neil's Taxis...

0:18:150:18:17

0207...9...

0:18:170:18:20

Hi, I need a taxi.

0:18:200:18:22

-What's your address?

-29 Minell Street.

0:18:220:18:25

29 Minell Street.

0:18:250:18:26

They said it's £50 if you bleed on the seat again.

0:18:280:18:31

-That's fine.

-That's fine.

0:18:310:18:33

OK.

0:18:340:18:35

Aaah!

0:18:350:18:37

Ooh!

0:18:370:18:39

Oh, will you be OK?

0:18:400:18:42

-Yeah, I think so.

-I'll try and get back as quick as I can.

0:18:420:18:44

Great, just as... As quick as you can.

0:18:440:18:47

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Any idea how long these things take?

0:18:470:18:49

Liz? Any idea how long these things take?

0:18:490:18:52

THE KIDS YELL AND BICKER

0:18:520:18:54

Hi, Liz. I was just phoning to see how you are,

0:18:550:18:58

and I was just wondering what to do with your kids.

0:18:580:19:02

I have to go to this spag bol thing.

0:19:020:19:05

I am so hungry and all your food is frozen.

0:19:050:19:10

Um, no pressure, but it is half-five now.

0:19:100:19:14

OK, see if you could just give me a call. Bye.

0:19:140:19:17

Keith!

0:19:270:19:29

Keith! Keith!

0:19:290:19:31

Keith! Keith! Keith!

0:19:320:19:36

Keith!

0:19:360:19:38

It's Kevin!

0:19:380:19:39

Keith! Keith!

0:19:390:19:42

Kevin!

0:19:420:19:43

Wait there, wait there!

0:19:430:19:46

My God, is she all right?

0:19:460:19:49

No, no, she's fine, she just cut off a bit of her finger.

0:19:490:19:51

But listen, I have now got just a massive amount of children.

0:19:510:19:57

Could you help me with all these children?

0:19:570:20:00

-Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course.

-I'm just so hungry, Kevin.

0:20:000:20:03

Amanda's having a dinner, are you sure?

0:20:040:20:06

I haven't heard anything about it.

0:20:060:20:08

It's just an informal thing.

0:20:080:20:10

It's just a... It's a spag bol drop-in thing.

0:20:100:20:13

Oh, wow.

0:20:130:20:16

What are we waiting for?

0:20:160:20:17

Hey, everyone. We're all going for spag bol at Amanda's.

0:20:180:20:23

THE KIDS CONTINUE TO YELL AND BICKER

0:20:260:20:29

DOORBELL RINGS

0:20:320:20:34

Something smells good!

0:20:340:20:36

Can somebody else keep an ear out for the door?

0:20:370:20:39

That's not the point, the point is they're being picky

0:20:420:20:44

cos they know they can be. Yeah.

0:20:440:20:48

Well, we just have to play the same game that they're playing.

0:20:480:20:51

What are you doing?!

0:20:510:20:52

Down there! Down there!

0:20:530:20:56

Yeah. I don't know.

0:20:580:21:00

Mad woman and a load of kids.

0:21:000:21:01

Something smells good.

0:21:030:21:05

Oh, hey!

0:21:050:21:06

Aw, Julia, thank you so much.

0:21:070:21:09

Oh, they were as good as gold.

0:21:090:21:11

-Hello.

-Kevin's also here.

0:21:110:21:14

Oh.

0:21:140:21:16

-Yes.

-A blackboard wall.

0:21:170:21:20

I've always wanted a blackboard wall.

0:21:200:21:23

What do you write on it?

0:21:230:21:24

Just...what's written on it.

0:21:250:21:28

Walnuts.

0:21:300:21:32

-Yeah.

-What are you going to do with walnuts?

0:21:330:21:35

I'd love to eat a walnut.

0:21:350:21:37

Liz cut her finger off, so Kevin's been helping me with the kids.

0:21:370:21:40

-Liz cut her finger off?

-Yeah, just the top half.

-Oh.

0:21:410:21:44

Well...help yourself to wine, um....

0:21:440:21:48

-and we'll probably start serving soon.

-Great.

0:21:480:21:51

I've always wanted a look around your house, Amanda.

0:21:510:21:54

There's nothing I like better than going into other people's houses

0:21:540:21:57

and having a good old poke around.

0:21:570:21:59

Those two seem to have gotten over the Liz thing.

0:22:070:22:10

Storm in a teacup.

0:22:100:22:12

The Liz thing? What, her finger?

0:22:140:22:16

Ian gave Liz a lift home a few nights ago.

0:22:170:22:19

No, sorry, you lost me.

0:22:240:22:26

Sorry, Ian gave Liz a lift home...

0:22:260:22:30

You don't know? Liz slept with Melissa's husband.

0:22:300:22:34

Fuck! God, really?

0:22:340:22:37

I did not know that.

0:22:390:22:41

You sure? She doesn't seem like the type who'd be arsed.

0:22:410:22:44

Where are the kids?

0:22:470:22:49

Gone a bit quiet.

0:22:490:22:51

Ah.

0:22:560:22:57

Hello.

0:23:000:23:02

Just here to pick up my kids.

0:23:020:23:04

-Hello, hello.

-Oh!

0:23:040:23:06

Liz! No, you should stay, it's turned into a bit of a free-for-all.

0:23:060:23:11

So, um...help yourself to a glass of wine.

0:23:110:23:15

Oh, I shouldn't, I'm on painkillers.

0:23:150:23:17

Oh! You finger... Julia said. How is it?

0:23:170:23:20

It's not too bad. Still works.

0:23:200:23:22

They're not feeding the adults, Liz!

0:23:440:23:46

They're not feeding the adults!

0:23:460:23:48

None of these dicks like me.

0:23:530:23:56

Dicks!

0:23:560:23:57

I'm sure that's not true.

0:23:580:24:00

They hate me.

0:24:000:24:02

-Dicks!

-You know why that is, don't you?

0:24:020:24:05

-What?

-You know.

-No, I don't know, Kevin. What?

0:24:050:24:08

Because you slept with Melissa's husband.

0:24:100:24:13

Is that what they're saying?

0:24:170:24:19

Yeah.

0:24:190:24:20

That's interesting.

0:24:220:24:23

Yeah, so we went to the hospital on Wednesday and they had the results

0:24:250:24:29

of the scan, and basically they think it was a small stroke.

0:24:290:24:33

-Oh, no.

-Oh, no.

0:24:330:24:35

Sorry, I heard "small stroke," I don't know who that was,

0:24:400:24:42

but that is terrible, whoever that was.

0:24:420:24:45

My husband.

0:24:450:24:47

Ugh...yeah. Must've been a real pain in the arse.

0:24:470:24:51

How did that happen?

0:24:510:24:52

He was playing a computer game,

0:24:540:24:56

and I noticed his arm just dropped down the side of the sofa,

0:24:560:25:00

and when I went to take his hand, it just...

0:25:000:25:04

JULIA SCOFFS THE LEFTOVERS

0:25:040:25:06

..it felt like...a little dead bird.

0:25:060:25:08

ANNE WEEPS

0:25:080:25:11

Oh, there's some more. I'll just put that in the bin.

0:25:230:25:25

Julia!

0:25:310:25:33

What are you doing?

0:25:330:25:35

Oh, I was just...

0:25:360:25:38

Uh, I was just picking up the leftovers.

0:25:390:25:41

If you were hungry, you could've just asked.

0:25:410:25:44

You're making me feel like a bad hostess.

0:25:440:25:46

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Do you want me to cook you something?

0:25:460:25:49

I can't bear to see you eat out of the bin like a homeless person.

0:25:490:25:52

No, no, I wasn't eating out of the bin, it's just I...

0:25:520:25:55

I was just, you know,

0:25:550:25:56

I just thought there'd be food here for the adults.

0:25:560:25:59

-Oh, God.

-Wow.

0:25:590:26:01

Well, Julia, I've been dealing with something,

0:26:020:26:05

and I'm sorry I didn't have time to lay on a banquet.

0:26:050:26:08

No, I didn't mean...

0:26:080:26:09

-Do you want me to cook you an omelette?

-Honestly, I'm fine...

-No!

0:26:090:26:12

I insist. I can't have my guests eating out of the rubbish.

0:26:120:26:17

Does anyone else want food?

0:26:170:26:19

Anyone? I'm making Julia an omelette.

0:26:190:26:21

Anyone?

0:26:220:26:24

I'll have an omelette, actually, Amanda.

0:26:240:26:28

Saves me defrosting some eggs when I get home.

0:26:280:26:31

And while I get the chance, Melissa, I should say I feel bad.

0:26:310:26:34

I feel bad. I should've cleared the air and apologised

0:26:340:26:37

for taking your fat husband's virginity 20 years ago.

0:26:370:26:42

And while I'm at it, Anne, can you RSVP to Charlie's birthday party,

0:26:430:26:48

because he really wants Darius there,

0:26:480:26:50

and it'll break his fucking heart if his best friend doesn't make it.

0:26:500:26:54

-Yeah.

-Thank you.

0:26:540:26:56

TOILET FLUSHES

0:26:560:26:58

-What's going on?

-Amanda's making us an omelette.

0:27:010:27:03

Ooh, yes, please!

0:27:030:27:05

Wow, you must give me the recipe for that omelette.

0:27:090:27:12

Eggs.

0:27:130:27:15

Yeah. Keep it simple.

0:27:150:27:17

So, um...

0:27:180:27:20

Shall we, um, firm up Thursday...?

0:27:200:27:23

-Thursday's not going to work for me now. Lovely to see you all.

-Oh, I...

0:27:230:27:26

Did she just slam the door in my face?

0:27:300:27:32

That's a whole network of helpful mums I have no access to any more.

0:27:340:27:38

Oh, well. You can't make an omelette without telling a few skinny bitches

0:27:380:27:42

to go fuck themselves.

0:27:420:27:44

I can have a word with them if you like, that might help.

0:27:440:27:47

Oh, screw them. We don't need them.

0:27:480:27:51

We've got our own little gang right here.

0:27:510:27:53

Oh, all right, I'll take them Thursday.

0:27:530:27:56

Thank...!

0:27:560:27:58

I really appreciate it.

0:27:590:28:01

-And Friday, can you do Friday?

-Ugh.

0:28:050:28:07

Meet the alpha mums, headed by Amanda, very much the queen bee. Everything is organised, clean and sparkly - even the kitchen cork board is a statement of success. At the other end of the spectrum, we meet Liz, who is totally chaotic and feels the kids should enjoy free expression - if they want to do kamikaze jumps off the sofa, she drags a mattress round for safety. Somewhere between Amanda and Liz is Julia - she is organised - she has to be as she is a successful events organiser - but when her mother Marion decides she is no longer going to be the free child-sitter and school-run taxi, Julia finds her organisation skills are taxed and nowhere near the level of the alpha mums. Also in the mix is Kevin - he is the stay-at-home dad, who, rather than fighting against that, is embracing it with gusto - much to the irritation of the other mums.

This is mothers and they really are - coping or not - competitive and helpful. If the Pulling girls had kids, this is what it would be like.


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