Our Ex-Wife

LAUGHTER

MATRIMONIAL MUSIC PLAYS

Ah, true love -

is there anything more intoxicating?

So, how do we go from vowing to spend the rest of our lives together

to this?

THEY SHOUT AND SNARL UNINTELLIGIBLY

What makes us fantasise about doing

the most horrific things to the ones we once pledged our undying love?

Terrible, awful things.

There. Five foot, ten inches.

Keep digging.

As usual, I have to do everything myself...

GUNSHOT

Evil, wicked, nasty things.

What could motivate such diabolical thoughts?

SHE CACKLES MALEVOLENTLY

Jack and Hillary are former soul mates who have decided to

consciously uncouple.

He used to be a romantic.

He'd bring me tea in bed, buy me flowers.

Do you remember the time you filled the bath with champagne?

You did it once and never did it again!

That bath cost me ?4,000.

I'm a developer, not Dr fucking Dre.

You just stopped trying to woo me, Jack.

I need to be wooed. I wooed the shit out of you, Hillary,

but that was then. Now we've got kids and bills to pay.

"Oh, hello, The Bank. Yes, I realise I haven't paid my mortgage,

"it's just my wife needed to sit naked in a tub of Cristal."

He spent more time at work than he did with me.

That's because she had to have the best of everything.

Do you have a Japanese toilet that plays Mozart and says, "Konichiwa!"? We do. You let our love die, Jack.

I was lonely. How could you be lonely?

You were too busy fucking a client I'd built a house for.

He paid attention to me. Plus he had a private jet.

What was I supposed to say? No? How about, "I already have a husband"?

Have you ever seen the inside of a private jet? It would turn anyone's head.

You want your head turning, Hillary? I can turn your head for you.

You just try! It was one measly eight-month indiscretion. Let it go!

One? What about our dentist? What about Max's clarinet teacher?

I've been diagnosed with sexual addiction, it's a disease,

I suffer in silence. That's because your mouth is always full of dick!

I hereby grant the motion to dissolve the marriage of

Jack and Hillary Taylor, effective immediately.

If not sooner.

Maybe I could've bought you flowers once in a while.

And I could've said thank you for working so hard

instead of resenting you for it.

All done, darling? Car's out front.

Seriously? You brought a date to our divorce?

I can't wallow in sadness forever, I've got a life to live.

Not if I've got any say in the matter.

You want a piece of this? Why not? Everybody else has!

JUDGE HAMMERS GAVEL REPEATEDLY

Get them out of my court!

But times moves on, and people do, too...

Sarah...

Will you marry me?

Yes, yes.

..in their own way.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

You grab this, Dad.

Why the hell would someone keep books they didn't like?

Because somebody still worked hard writing them, George.

It's just as difficult to write a bad book as a good one.

That sounds like something a bad writer would say.

Hey, Max, your drama club is doing Billy Elliott?

That's so cool!

I'll be there.

What? Oh... You don't have to go to that rubbish.

I want to go to that rubbish.

Have you ever been to a school play? They are boring.

Back me up, Max. Yeah, they're pretty awful.

And I've got a really small part. I'm a disillusioned coalminer.

I saw a rehearsal.

I was rooting for the mine to cave in.

What is going on? Are you embarrassed to have me there?

Is it because I'm American?

No, no! I really like you...

in spite of that. Sarah's a big girl.

Just tell her the truth.

Mum's going to be there.

Oh. OK. Great. So, we can finally meet.

What?! Mum and Dad are like a honey badger and a cobra.

Individually, they're awesome,

but you wouldn't want to sit between them at a school play.

But your mum and I both love you very much, that's what counts.

Have some money. You don't have to buy our love, Dad.

Ssh. It makes him feel good.

Jack, I respected your wish to keep things low-key with Hillary

while we were dating, but now...

we're engaged.

You know, we're going to be a family.

Your kids are my kids.

Your ex-wife...

is my ex-wife. Brilliant.

Your ex-wife has a maintenance payment due tomorrow. Don't be late.

Dad, would you mind dropping the kids off with their mother?

With pleasure. But no insults, name-calling or stone-throwing.

There goes the pleasure.

I mean, how did you think life was going to work if Hillary and I

could never be in the same room?

I mean, what about graduations or weddings?

Didn't you think any of this through?

Do I look like a man who thinks things through?

Look...

Please don't take this the wrong way, but...

Hillary's going to hate your guts.

No, she won't. This might sound conceited, but...

Everyone loves me. Everyone?

Really? Yeah. Friends, strangers, my patients.

You're a vet.

Your patients love chewing shoes and urinating in public.

They're not picky. I'm serious.

I have never had an enemy in my life.

Oh, no, I take that back.

There was a girl in middle school who just punched me

in the stomach once for no reason, but I won her over by

complimenting her upper body strength,

and we are friends to this day.

Why?

I don't know.

Hillary hates everything I love.

The best thing just to steer clear.

We have this system that's worked perfectly for five years

and I don't want to mess it up.

We never go to each other's houses,

we meet in a public place where I transfer the money...

..she releases the kids.

She calls me a cheap bastard, I tell her to rot in Hell,

we wave goodbye and then we go our separate ways.

It doesn't have to be that way.

A lot of people have amicable divorces.

That's not normal. I'm normal.

A proper divorce is built on a solid foundation of hate.

Hate? The reason people get divorced in the first place.

The reason why they've paid lawyers to break their promise to God.

Hate. But you must realise it's in the best interest of the children

if we all get along. No. I mustn't.

And what about me? What about my best interests?

I tell you what, you call Hillary and arrange a time for us to meet,

and I'll do something in your best interest.

Interesting proposal. I mean a blowjob.

So, did you do it yet?

No. I was on my way to tell Hillary in person, but then I thought,

"Do I really want to look at a baboon's backside first thing in

"the morning?" I'm going to call her instead.

Don't do it. Hillary's scared off everyone you've been out with.

I know you want to do what's right and fair,

but you've got to fight that instinct.

Guess who?

Hey, darling.

Hi. How'd it go with Hillary? When are we meeting?

'Should we do it in a pub? No, it's too casual.'

Tea? God, who am I, the Queen?

Look, I feel awful for saying this, but...

she doesn't want to meet you.

Why not?

Because she's a joyless bitch.

I'm really sorry.

'It's OK. It's not your fault, you did your best.'

I've just lied to the sweetest, most trusting woman in the world.

Good man. They're the easiest ones to lie to.

SHE RINGS DOORBELL

Hillary?

Yeah.

I know you didn't want to meet me, and I'm so sorry for being forward,

but...I just thought I would come over and break the ice

so you could see that I am a nice person...

..and definitely not a threat of any kind.

I'm sorry, and you are?

Oh, Sarah.

Sarah Weston?

Jack's fiancee?

Jack's engaged?

We've been dating for two years.

You didn't know?

Oh, hi, Max.

Hi, Ava.

Oh... Oh.

And we'll put this wall on gliders so you can move it,

which will double your dining space.

Oh, how clever. I love it.

And we'd love to build your restaurant for you.

Taylor Custom Build is known for our dependability and integrity.

You lying, twat-faced prick!

Professional integrity, not personal.

You got engaged without telling me!

Engaged, where did you hear that? You didn't tell Hillary about us?

You want me to lock that door? A lot of angry women coming in.

Hillary didn't want to meet me, huh?

Hillary didn't even know that I existed!

What's your name again, sweetheart? Sarah. Shut the fuck up, Sarah.

Don't be rude to her, you psychotic whore!

You brought a complete stranger into our children's lives,

and lied to me. Did you even run a CRB check on her?

How do we even know her name's really Sarah?

How do we know she doesn't have half a dozen husbands and stepchildren

chopped up in her freezer?

My freezer barely holds a pizza, let alone a dead family.

You're damn right I lied to you! I should be able to tell you the truth, but I can't.

You know why not? Because you're crazy! This has got nothing to do with the kids,

you just don't want to see me happy, admit it!

I readily admit it! You can't control who I see.

Background checks, credit checks, drug testing.

You can't make people piss in a cup!

Forgive me, I'm just a crazy mum who doesn't want her kids getting

ice cream with murderers, prostitutes and drug addicts!

Again, I've not been involved in any of those things,

but if it will end the argument, then I'll piss in a cup.

No! You will not piss for her!

Hillary, you have been a thorn in my cock ever since we got divorced!

Just let me finish what I have to say, Jack,

and then you can have your say.

Fine. I hate you, you lying piece of shit,

and I can't wait to dance on your grave!

Bye-bye. Uh...bye.

Hey, I didn't get my say! What were you going to say?

I was just going to call her a psychotic whore again.

So, um...

I'm going to look at some flooring samples and I will get back to you.

Great. Yeah.

Shall we call you, or... you call us?

Don't be a stranger.

Now you know why I didn't want you two to meet.

She's clearly insane.

You're bringing a new person into her children's lives.

You didn't think she had the right to know?

Wait, you're taking her side? I'm taking the side of respect,

something you didn't show either one of us.

I wonder what your third wife will be like.

I'm really sorry I lied!

I was just trying to protect you.

Oh, come on, I'm not used to silence.

I mean, yell at me, throw something...

You want to strangle me?

What is wrong with you two?

How can your emotions still be so...

raw after five years?

You know, I read an inspirational Facebook post that said,

"Hate is just love turned inside-out."

So, maybe you hate Hillary because, subconsciously,

you still have feelings for her.

No! No, I hate her and I want her dead!

You're really not catching me on a good day here.

Look, Sarah, sometimes hate is just hate.

Hillary and I are never going to be amicably divorced. I've tried.

You just called the mother of your children a psychotic whore.

Yes, you've done everything you can(!)

HE RINGS DOORBELL

What have I told you about touching my house? Go away.

Come on, Hillary, I need to talk to you.

It's important.

Anything important you have to say can be said through the letterbox.

I'm here to invite you over to my house for Sunday lunch.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, come on. I'm really...

sorry.

Oh, my God, you must be desperate to come crawling to me for a favour.

Look, I made a mistake. I should have told you about Sarah.

She's going to be very important in our kids' lives...

No, no, she's not. They have one mother and they know who that is.

She doesn't... She doesn't want to replace you, Hillary,

she just wants to get to know you.

You humiliated me in front of her and the kids, Jack.

I have every right to say no and slam this door in your face.

I know, I know. So, I'm going to. I...

OK. I'm willing to pay.

What's it going to cost me, hmm?

100 quid? 200?

DOOR OPENS

Wow.

This is important to you.

Oh, put your chequebook away, I'll do it.

Really? For one of those new 4k Ultra-HD TVs - the curved one.

I like things that curve.

What? It'll go with my new Sonos system you're also going to buy me.

No way. Oh, the door is closing...

OK, OK, OK!

But I have terms, too, you grasping shit.

You'll be on time and smiling.

Have you got time to learn how to smile? You'll be nice to everyone and compliment Sarah's cooking,

and if I so much as hear the phrase "premature ejaculator",

the deal's off. Fine,

but only because I'm a single mother who can't afford nice things.

Goodbye, Mrs Taylor. Oh, bye-bye, Anya.

You've got a cleaner? Oh, it's only once a month.

See you tomorrow.

Her English is bad.

She means next month.

SHE MOUTHS

I've never made a York-shire pudding before.

Is this what they're supposed to look like?

More or less. Thank you so much for arranging this.

I can't believe you pulled it off.

Oh, I just took your advice - apologised sincerely,

and I used that thing you said about the best interests of the children. I told you it would work.

You all right, Dad?

Oh, I was just thinking about your mum.

She'll be looking down at us today,

seeing the whole family together and saying,

"Are you fucking insane, inviting that crazy bitch into your home?"

That does sound like Mum.

I appreciate your sacrifice, George,

and I would really love to get through this lunch

without any name-calling or cursing. Well...

you might find me a tad quiet.

Thank you both for trying a new approach.

You're not giving Hillary a real knife?

At least let me file it down first.

AVA: Why are we suddenly having Sunday lunch as a family? Are you dying?

I'm doing it because I'm a loving and forgiving human being

and I'm trying to set a good example for you and Max.

OK, ring the bell.

Wait.

OK.

AVA RINGS THE DOORBELL

Hey, look who's here(!)

AVA AND MAX: Yay!

On time and smiling(!)

CRACKING OF BONES

AVA AND MAX: Yay!

Come in, come in(!)

Hi. Oh, thank you so much for coming.

I love your dress.

Thank you. And I love your...

je ne sais quoi.

Thank you.

George. Hillary.

I'm so sorry to hear that Emma passed away a couple of years ago.

I know she meant the world to you. Thank you for your concern.

She always hated you.

Every night, I pray you get bum cancer.

Well, the place looks wonderful, Jack.

Are you being sincere or is this just for the TV?

The TV. I've seen nicer sofas fly-tipped in a lay-by.

We're so sorry we pretended not to know who you were

when you came to our house, but we depend on our mum for food and such.

I understand. But after today, nobody will have to pretend.

This will be a new beginning for everyone.

She's sweet...

but so naive. Yep.

Lunch is ready. Everyone take a seat.

Oh, I actually thought it would be nice if you and Jack

sat next to each other.

There.

I knew you could do it.

I hope the food's OK. I'm still learning how to cook.

Nonsense, it all looks delicious.

Especially the stuff in the green bowl here.

Thank you, Hillary. So, Sarah...

America?

Why'd you leave it?

Hillary... What?

I just want to know what brings her to our country.

It's OK. Um...

Well, this is embarrassing, but when I saw the movie Babe...

You know, the talking pig?

Talking pig? Jack, you were in a movie?

I'm kidding!

Isn't that what families do?

FORCED LAUGHTER

Good one(!) Yeah, um...

Anyway, I just fell in love with the English countryside, the animals,

the way the farmer said,

"That'll do, pig.

That'll do."

It just...

Anyway, now here I am, working with animals in England.

I mean, it just goes to show that if you really want something,

you can make it work.

Oh, Jack.

She's so sweet, she makes my teeth hurt.

You've hit the jackpot again.

Again? Oh, you?

Yeah(!) Now, Hillary,

I know that you have some understandable concerns about people

who are involved with your kids, so I have put together a dossier.

It has my birth certificate, driver's licence...

Not necessary.

I just really want to prove to you that your kids aren't in the care of

some degenerate. I was being over-protective.

My judgment of you was...

Oh, what's the word I'm looking for?

Premature.

Sometimes, one has to go on instinct,

and mine says you're great.

Oh. To Sarah.

To Sarah! To Sarah. To Sarah.

ALARM BEEPS

That's the roast. Jack, will you... give me a hand? Yep.

She really likes me.

I told you people like me.

Yeah. She's capable of turning on the charm...

when motivated.

It's like I've been saying,

if you treat people with kindness and an open heart,

they can't help but reciprocate.

Maybe you should try it. What's that supposed to mean?

Perhaps she's not the monster you say she is.

I mean, she's curious, she has a playful sense of humour.

She said that you hit the jackpot.

I'm beginning to think that you're the problem, not Hillary.

Me?! Ssh. Don't raise your voice.

What would Hillary think?

I need a drink.

Hillary's telling that ridiculous story again about Seal

writing Kiss From A Rose about her.

Sarah actually thinks Hillary is sane, and that I'm the crazy one!

Me! I told you not to do the right thing.

I didn't expect them to become besties.

I thought there'll be an awkward hour of forced pleasantries

and then I'd boot Hillary out of the door,

hopefully into the path of a speeding bus,

and then everyone wins. Well, the kids would be losing their mum.

They'd bounce back.

HILLARY AND SARAH LAUGH That's so funny! I know!

She's not funny!

She hasn't got a funny fucking bone in her body!

It's one lunch. You can get through this.

You're right.

Unless we do this again next Sunday.

This isn't going to be a weekly ritual, is it?

So, Hillary, tell me more about yourself.

I live a simple life centred around my kids

and my many charitable causes.

So inspiring. Did you just roll your eyes?

No. Please continue with your scintillating biography(!)

Let's see. I'm president of the school bursary fund,

and I do a lot of work for Save The Children and Oxfam.

Last year, Mum raised enough money to provide water

for five African villages.

Yeah, and Dad built the school a new ball shed.

Right, so...

now all the school balls can be found in the same place.

The...shed.

I mean, that's great, Jack, because balls need sheds.

So, Hillary, tell me, how do you find the time to do it all?

When children are your priority, you make the time.

You're making me feel so lazy.

Jack, you and I are going to have to get more involved.

Sarah's right, Jack.

The world needs more selfless people.

Can't do it alone.

I mean, to be honest, you do have quite a lot of free time, don't you?

In fact, more than anyone else I know.

What do you mean? Well, Sarah and I both work more than 40 hours a week,

and you work...

Which gives you more time to pursue your "charitable endeavours".

I thought you wanted a "nice" afternoon, Jack.

They made it 45 minutes. Personal best. Well done, guys.

And I work a hell of a lot more than 40 hours a week.

I raise children, which is the hardest job in the world.

Hmm, I'd have thought brain surgeon or soldier, but, yeah,

I guess telling the kids to get in the bath, that can be gruelling.

Let's have crumble.

Let's all just fill our mouths with crumble.

I raise kids, too, Hillary,

I just don't have a hardworking ex-husband paying me to do it.

Sorry I don't have a career,

but I had to leave my job because I got knocked-up by someone who was,

oh, let's call it quick on the trigger.

You take that back or the deal is off!

Deal? Oh, shit.

What is going on? Your hilarious new best friend refused to come over

unless I bought her an expensive television with Sonos.

I came over, I was nice, I didn't get anything.

I can't believe you, Jack.

Me?! What about her?!

She's the big, fat, fake fuckface!

That's infinitely worse!

I am not marrying her, I'm marrying you.

You don't have to go through with it. He's a terrible person.

Childish, selfish... That's not true!

This man swallowed his pride and bribed you to come over here,

just to try to make this family work.

I mean, what did you do? I ate that shit in the green bowl,

that's what I did. OK, I never said that I was a great cook,

and I'm tired, OK?

I performed emergency surgery this morning.

I forgot, you have a glamorous job putting kittens to sleep.

That was somebody's furry child! HILLARY LAUGHS

I went to veterinary school for five years, OK?

I graduated first in my class.

And now you're going to be a second wife.

An inferior sequel.

Sloppy seconds.

Anything you've done to this moron, I've done it first and better.

And with everyone. Eat shit.

Piss off. OK, maybe there are some things that you do better

and there are some things that I do...

My marriage to Jack is not inferior because I'm a second wife!

Yes, you're quite the catch. A 36-year-old woman who can't cook,

who bases important life decisions on a talking pig,

marrying a middle-aged reject and stealing my children

because it's easier than having her own!

Why don't you get out of our lives and go and do what

you do best - cut a dog's balls off?

Oh, shut up, you psychotic whore!

SHE WHIMPERS

You were amazing. Did you see the look on that cow's face?

Ugh, I can't believe I did that.

Hillary is never going to speak to me again.

I know. That was the greatest day of my life.

I need to apologise.

What? No! We have to try to make this work for our family.

Hi, it's Sarah.

Uh-huh. MUSIC: Kiss From a Rose by Seal

'Jack and I both wanted to say how sorry we are about today.

'I'm normally a nice person'

and I certainly don't say things like that

to people I want to be friends with.

I hope you believe me.

Are you still there?

Look, we're never going to be friends, so just fuck off.

Um...she just told me to F off.

Congratulations. You have an ex-wife.

And they all lived happily ever after.

In a way.

MUSIC: Ex's and Oh's by Elle King

# My exes and the oh, oh, ohs, they haunt me

# Like gho-o-osts they want me

# To make 'em oh, oh, oh

# They won't let go

# Exes and ohs. #