The Coopers vs The Rest

RADIO: Here on the late show, it's coming up to midnight.

It's Dan here, with you, through until one in the morning...

DOOR CLOSES

After all these years, he still waits up for me.

-Is it because I left the door open last time?

-No.

It was somewhere for the water to go when you left the tap running.

You're a good man, Coby Tooper...

Coby! Toby Cooper.

Yeah, you hold on to that, cos Frankie went out and she's not back.

I thought we agreed she was staying in tonight.

Yes, I know. But she said she was going to do homework at Sarah's,

-and I believed her.

-It's Friday, it's half term, and it's Frankie.

What are you doing?

Finding out where our daughter is.

-How?

-Facebook.

You check her Facebook?

Not as much as I check yours.

Last update - an hour ago.

-She's at a party.

-Oh, God.

Has she been drinking?

I hope so. Look at that spelling.

-There are a lot of boys there.

-Why do we adopt children?

We could have adopted a panda. They send a newsletter and a photo.

And you don't have to worry about pandas having sex.

I thought you'd be angrier with me.

The wine is taking the edge off it.

Yeah, you're going to suffer in the morning.

So are you.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, no... Am I sleepwalking again?

Don't even bother.

Look, I'm sorry, but...

I don't want to hear it. Go up to bed.

We'll deal with this in the morning.

-I'm going for a nightcap.

-No, maybe you've had enough...

Hey, hey... Go to bed.

No, I'm just saying neither of us are going to come out of this well.

-So?

-So it might be better for both of us if she doesn't remember this

in the morning.

I think there's some brandy left over from Christmas.

Tess...

-Mum!

-Yeah?

How often should you go to church?

Couple of times a year.

Just enough to show God you're not getting cocky.

Frankie! Get down here.

-I'm coming.

-First Gran says we should be going more.

Does she now?

-What's that?

-It's a Bible from First Gran.

Oh, what an age-appropriate present.

And she's underlined bits.

She's found a more passive-aggressive gift than hand sanitiser.

-Morning.

-Barely.

OK, get it over with.

It happened on your dad's watch, so he's punishing you.

Oh. Great.

I don't know why you think I can't be tough.

-Well, go on, then.

-Right.

Go to your room.

You just called me down from my room.

-Well, go back.

-You can't punish her by sending her to her room, Toby.

-Why not?

-Because her room is nicer than the rest of the house.

What's the worst room in the house?

-I'll send her there.

-The living room's pretty bad.

-Right. Go there.

That's your punishment? Go to the living room?

Well, I don't know. She's a teenager.

It's hard to punish someone who doesn't like anything.

Internet ban. One week.

You're banning the internet? What, so you're China now?

And we're banning you from going to any more parties.

So what am I allowed to do?

Go analogue. Read a book.

Write to your pen pal. Churn butter.

You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real parents.

Yeah, and that's what I tell the school when they

-try and blame me for your behaviour.

-Ten years she's been here.

You'd think at least Stockholm syndrome would have kicked in.

It would help if you were tougher with her.

I just didn't want to escalate the situation.

She's our daughter, not a man on a ledge.

Yes, but you can't just shout at her.

-She's not a kid any more. She's becoming a woman.

-Yeah?

Well, that makes two of you.

-Mum...

-Yeah?

Frankie's on the internet.

All right, WikiLeaks.

Stop it. Oh, get off, Frankie.

You could get groomed.

Nah. Your sister lacks the joyful naivete of a grooming victim.

-First Gran says lying is...

-Yes. I'd like to talk to you about First Gran.

You see, the thing is, Alisha,

you know that we're different from most families?

Because we don't have Sky.

Yes, and also because you're all adopted.

Right. Yes. Because your cervix was hostile.

Not just her cervix.

And, because of that,

you have first families who think they know what's best for you all.

Which is ironic, considering...

-Tess...

-Yeah, in a minute.

-No.

Now, Tess.

We talked about avoiding this kind of confrontation.

-We didn't.

-Well, I wanted to, I just didn't know how to bring it up.

Sorry, but I am getting seriously worried about the influence

of a certain G-R-A-N.

I'm more worried you don't think our 11-year-old can spell gran.

She's on about us not being holy enough.

Well, it's important they have contact with their biological families.

I'm not having our daughter being told we're bad parents.

She shouldn't resent how we raised her until she's an adult.

Don't waste the milk.

What's that?

Nothing. Don't worry.

Mason, happy eighth birthday.

What? Don't spend three years seeing a child psychologist

without learning how to read upside down.

I thought you said Charlie wasn't invited to that.

He's not. We're going anyway.

You're gate-crashing an eight-year-old's birthday party?

He's never invited to things.

I will not have my son be cast out by the herd,

to be picked off by the wolves and the jackals.

He's not a wounded wildebeest!

You can't just turn up and force your way in.

Watch me. His mum's so smug.

I mean, so what if Mason's grade five on the recorder?

It's just blowing, Toby.

And if Charlie makes friends, he'll become less attached to me.

Oh, it's just a bit of a shy phase.

Oh, come off it. We have a mirror between rooms so he can always see me.

Charlie, shoes on.

Let's go. He'll thank me when he's popular.

You going to be OK?

I'm not an intern. I can manage.

Last night, you managed to lose a third of our kids.

Yes, it sounds more when you say it as a fraction.

Just try and nip Alisha's Bible phase in the bud.

Oh... OK.

-Well, we'll have a chat.

-Oh, God...

-What?

-Just distract her.

She's not a baby any more.

I can't just dangle my keys in front of her.

-Right. Come on.

-Have a good time.

Let's show an eight-year-old what happens when you exclude a Cooper.

HE YAWNS

I haven't got a present.

You got a fiver for the card?

Erm...

Erm, no. Only a ten.

Is Mum going to hell because she doesn't go to church?

No, Alisha.

-That's not why.

-Can blind people go to heaven?

Yes. All people can.

But not animals?

No.

So how do the blind people get around without their dogs?

Well, guide dogs are probably allowed in.

You know, like in...shops.

And do all countries have their own heaven,

or are there signs in all different languages, like when we went to Wales?

You know, some questions...

we just don't know the answer to,

and that's OK.

I just thought you'd know because you're a Catholic.

No, not really. We just say so for the schools.

-What?

-No, what I meant was...

-We're not really Catholic?

-No, we say that because...

-But Mum does communion all the time -

in the evenings, in the bath...

All through school holidays.

Yeah, that's just normal wine.

But we're really thankful for it.

So we're lying to my school?

The Bible says lying is wrong.

It's complicated, Alisha.

They didn't have catchment areas back then.

I don't care! It's wrong!

It's wrong-ish.

Wrong is wrong.

What are you doing?

Don't know. Worth a try.

I need to read this again, and I'm telling First Gran the truth.

Hey, Alisha, don't...

That was like watching a dog try and do sudoku.

Hey, it's harder than it looks.

I don't know. You made it look pretty hard.

Wow. Look at this house.

Three words - scratchcard win.

Will you hold my hand?

Better not. The other children'll think it's funny.

But you said we shouldn't care

about what other people think.

-SHE RINGS DOORBELL

-Well, we should a bit.

There's a sweet spot.

-Tess, hi.

-Hi, Carly.

-We're here for the party.

-Oh, right.

-I didn't think...

-No, Charlie didn't get an invitation.

But that can't be right -

no-one invites a whole class but leaves one kid out, right?

No. It's hard to keep track, sometimes.

Is it, though?

Here's your one...

and who else wants a giraffe, then?

Why don't you go and play over there?

-Will you stay?

-OK.

I'll be with the other mums and dads, but try and mix in.

Do you know, I write with this hand, but I eat my crisps with this hand?

-Am I the only...?

-Yup.

-And how long is...?

-Two hours.

Right.

-What's all this?

-First Gran says we should repent for lying to the school.

-Oh. Good.

-So I'm becoming a nun and giving up all my possessions.

Oh. Is it a silent order?

-No.

-Funny, that.

Come and sit with me, sweetheart.

Now, look, I...I love

-First Gran.

-So do I.

-Yeah, don't we all?

-She's great.

In many ways, yes.

I love her more than anything.

Who doesn't? And...

we like that she's in your life, but we've also got to protect you.

Now, First Gran has some very strange views and, to be honest,

Alisha, she's a bit mad.

It's super rude to talk about First Gran like she's not here.

Ahem.

For goodness' sake, Alisha, you've got to tell me when she's on Skype!

-She's on Skype.

-It's a bit late now.

God, the old bat's going to be even more unbearable now.

No, I mean she's still on Skype.

You haven't shut the lid all the way.

Yes, the old bat's still here, Toby.

You can't shut the lid on Jesus...

What happened was you hadn't shut the lid...

Yes, I know what happened, Alisha.

..so she could still hear.

There you go.

Oh, you forgot one.

Oh, so I have!

You're right.

It is hard to keep track, sometimes, isn't it?

You know, it is up to the children, who they invite to their parties?

Maybe good parents have a role to play

in making sure some kids aren't excluded.

Right. I think I'll go and check on the face painting.

-Sounds like fun.

-Yeah.

She's great. We had her for our big Halloween party.

Oh! We didn't get an invite to that.

Really? Cos I did do you one.

I told Mason to give them out to the whole class.

No, no, no - didn't see one.

Oh, he must have forgotten.

You know what they're like.

Oh, well. Perhaps next time.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Right. Face painting.

Great!

(Which one of your two faces is she going to paint?)

Are you writing to your pen pal?

Yeah. Ling Tang's Indonesian.

She knows what it's like to live under a dictator.

I know you lied to Dad last night.

Lying is wrong, Frankie.

Why do you always have to be so perfect?

It's like you're trying to get promoted into a better family.

The job of a nun is to tell people about right and wrong.

And escape from the Nazis.

I've seen a film about it.

Alisha, life isn't black and white.

Would you ever cut a man? Put a knife right into his chest?

-No!

-Well, that man just died.

He needed heart surgery.

You see? You were the surgeon all along.

Oh, no!

I didn't realise.

Sometimes doing a bad thing is actually a good thing.

Sometimes you have to lie to protect people.

Like Dad and the pen pal thing?

Exactly. Wait, what?

She never actually replied, so Dad pretended to be her.

What?!

-Don't you want to go and play?

-No.

It might be fun.

And as you get older you're going to have to stop coming in here with me.

It's Ryan. He won't let me join in.

He says I'm weird.

Right.

-You pretended to be my pen pal?!

-Yes, I know it sounds bad...

You think? How long has this been going on for?

Stop. This is a semidetached house.

If we argue, we argue away from the neighbours.

That is the arguing wall.

Fine.

-How long?!

-From the start.

-The start?

-Well, she never wrote back and you were upset.

I've been writing to her since I was 12.

I thought you'd give up on it like everything else,

but you didn't and I was in too deep.

-What about the photo?

-Well, there's an Indonesian girl

in the year below you, so I took it off her Facebook.

I knew they looked the same!

I thought I was being racist.

You made me think I was racist!

Would a Bible verse help?

-BOTH: No!

-Wait, I sent Ling Tang money.

What happened to the money?

This is going to sound worse than it is.

That was meant to go to a family in poverty.

-Well, it did.

-Oh, my God.

I can't believe, growing up, my best friend was my dad.

-Well, that's...

-And not in the way you always wanted.

Oi...you...

come here.

I know boys like you.

Born at the start of the school year.

Giving headlocks to the fragile July babies.

You were top dog for a while.

But now everyone's filling out, aren't they?

Every day there are fewer kids to push around.

So how does it feel, Ryan, to peak at eight?

You bully Charlie again, and you will disappear, quickly and quietly,

just like your mum's boyfriends always do.

Capiche?

Frankie!

Frankie, you can't lock yourself in the toilet.

We've only got the one.

Hey, no, I told you not to text your friends from my phone.

-Why?

-Because you tell them to meet you in the park, they ring the number,

I answer, and then their parents call the police.

That was so funny.

-But I wasn't.

-Good.

I rang Mum and told her you and Frankie are screaming at each other.

Oh, Alisha, why?

I'm telling the truth cos God will punish us if we do bad things.

No, God won't do that, your mum will do that.

OK, honey, come on. Pop and get your party bag.

Sorry, we've got to shoot off.

Small family crisis.

But thank you for having us.

You're welcome.

Come on.

HE GROANS

Oh, he doesn't want to leave!

That's how I know I've done my job.

And tell Harry's mum we're looking forward to the invite to his party.

You may not be old enough to appreciate it yet, Charlie,

but I am mothering the hell out of you.

-Frankie!

-You're a liar.

Hey, one lie.

And the lie to the school.

They were only to protect you.

I don't lie for my own benefit.

Is that why you tell the men on your five-a-side football team

that you're almost 40?

-I am.

-You're 42.

Which is almost 40.

And you still buy combat trousers.

-What?

-Mum says you're lying to yourself.

I find the pockets convenient.

How can you tell us not to lie when you do it all the time?

I don't lie...all the time.

There's too much sin everywhere!

How bad were my birth parents that you guys got the gig?

Frankie, you stay here!

What are you doing?

First Gran says I should be re-baptised.

You're dead to me.

Toby, why are you dead to her?

And... And why is our 11-year-old drowning herself?

-Some things went down.

-Like what?

Well, Frankie hates me, First Gran knows we're lying to the school,

and Alisha's been radicalised.

So, what, I solve Charlie's problems and you create more?

It's like running a bath with the plug out.

-In my defence, I was juggling a lot of things.

-No - two things, Toby.

The same number of things as hands.

That's not juggling - that's holding things, in your hands.

I'll deal with this when I've cleaned him up.

Oh, my God. Alisha...

breathe!

At least one of your parents knows what they're doing.

What's...

What's this?

Where have your freckles gone?

I don't have any.

Oh, my God...

It's not Charlie!

-What?

-I brought the wrong kid home.

How could you get the wrong child?

It was a lapse of concentration.

A lapse of conc...

You didn't burn some toast, you kidnapped a person.

Look, there was obviously more than one tiger.

What sort of face painter only knows tigers?

-What's going on?

-Your mum stole a child.

-Get in.

-It's not stealing if you get them back before anyone's noticed.

-Are you OK?

-Yes.

Why didn't you say something? I told you you weren't my mum.

What? Our kids say that all the time.

Is he done?

-No, not yet.

-So...

your view is if a child has abandonment issues,

the best cure is to abandon them again for a bit?

-Like homoeopathy.

-Ooh...

I like him. Can we keep him?

-No.

-I'll play with him every day.

No. I'll get you a gerbil.

Now, just...

go to the door and explain the situation.

We can't. How many parties do you think the boy from

the kidnappy family gets invited to? They'll blacklist us.

-Can you blame them?

-We need a distraction.

DOORBELL RINGS

I want to talk to you about Jesus.

Oh, God...

Got you. Right.

OK. Come on. Got you.

Right...

But you can't work out how to load the dishwasher?

Go. Back into the wild.

Which one is Charlie?

-I don't know.

-What was he wearing?

I don't remember.

Not covering yourself in glory today, Tess.

And what about people who are scared of heights?

Do they have to go to heaven or can they go to hell if they prefer?

-Ch-Charlie?

-Charlie?

Charlie?

Sorry, mate. Sorry. Ch-Charlie?

Charlie?

Charlie! I thought I was being adopted again.

And when children go to heaven, do they keep on growing?

And, if they do, does that mean that they die in heaven too?

-And then where do they go?

-Alfie, what happened to your face?

I did that!

Come on, quick. Just jump on it.

-Get up there.

-Need a hand?

I'd...just like to say, this woman is not a blood relation.

Hi, Frankie.

Once again, I am very, very, very sorry.

Please don't hold this against Charlie.

Why would we hold it against Charlie?

-We love Charlie.

-But...

He's never invited to things.

That's not because of Charlie.

What? It's because of me?

-What have I done?!

-Well, let's see.

Today alone, you've turned up uninvited to a party,

without a present, you've broken into my home,

stolen a child and threatened to disappear Harry.

-I thought that was Ryan.

-Oh, would that make it better?

Fair point.

She's so embarrassing.

Yeah. Don't want to hang out with her anymore.

Embarrassed into independence?

It's not textbook parenting, but a win's a win, I suppose.

This family...

I'm terrified you're going to sit me down one day and tell me

I'm not adopted.

I'm very sorry about Ling Tang.

-Save it.

-I just didn't want you to feel rejected.

Don't worry about me. I'm tough.

Yes, I know you are, Frankie.

But...Ling Tang wasn't the only one who...

-didn't reply to you.

-What do you mean?

Your dad.

-Yeah, I remember.

-I just didn't want that to happen again.

So, to stop me from getting upset,

you pretended to be a 12-year-old Indonesian girl, for two years?

Didn't think twice. We're a very accommodating people,

the Indonesians.

Oh, and by the way, Harry's mum said that Charlie can come to the party,

but can Toby bring him.

We like Toby.

I think if we ever get divorced, most of our friends are going to

-choose you.

-Oh, sweetheart...

They were always my friends anyway.

God, get a room.

-You OK?

-Yeah.

This was quite fun.

Yeah, so few people kidnap as a family any more.

Do you think anybody else in this family will get into heaven?

It's looking doubtful.

But it won't be heaven without all of you.

Well, I guess you'll have to decide,

do you want to be a good person or do you want to be a Cooper?

Probably a Cooper.

Yeah, good choice. They let anyone in.

Are we the worst parents ever?

No. Trust me.

There's worse.

-Like?

-How about Darth Vader?

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah!

-Oh... That's bleak.

-The woman from your magazine.

You know, the one that ran off with her daughter's boyfriend?

Yeah, good one.

There's this type of lizard that eats its own young.

It's gross!

CHARLIE: Ewwww!

Yeah. Thanks, guys.