Young Hyacinth

Hyacinth? Yes, ma'am?

My husband is debauched, Hyacinth.

Yes, ma'am. She lies through her expensive teeth, Hyacinth.

Debauched. I like it.

Yes, it's a good word.

I wonder what it means.

He's a lecher, Hyacinth.

Mummy warned me!

Her mother is delusional, Hyacinth.

Picture a vast bosom, full of malice.

You have to admire the way the better classes fall apart without dropping an 'H'.

I shall tell daddy and make daddy cut the swine's allowance.

Yes, ma'am. (That doesn't go with the cut glassware.)

This is "the swine" speaking, Hyacinth.

She's been at the gin again, can you hear me?

Yes, sir. Ignore him, Hyacinth.

Yes, ma'am. Don't ever marry, Hyacinth.

Stay free.

Life's a bitch, Hyacinth, and it's following me now.

How dare you.

Kiss me, damn you.

No! I can taste her.

Will you please hide the gin, Hyacinth?

There he goes. Off to his floozies.

I shall kill him, Hyacinth.

Knife, I think.

Poison is so impersonal.

Yes, ma'am. "Impersonal".

I can use impersonal.

Must remember impersonal.

Whoops-a-buttercup.

We're here again. It must be fate.

Oh!

'When I'm married, with a home of my own, I shall do my bedroom in pastel

'shades, hints of broderie anglaise, and if William wants otherwise,

'he can have his own room.

'Which I'm sure is more hygienic, anyway.'

Is that daddy on the floor in drink again?

No, if anyone enquires, it's all down to his war wound.

Daddy, why are you lying there?

It's so impersonal.

Has anyone seen you? Did you explain that perhaps your surgeons were

wrong to leave the shrapnel in?

Are you using your breath mints?

Argh, the aliens have landed!

I will NOT take you to my leader.

Daddy! Why are you lying here?

What about the dress code of the Wonder Brush Company?

Is this the posture of a sales executive?

I don't suppose you could see your way to lending a chap a couple of shillings?

No more this week.

There is a terrible shortage of cash in this country.

You have to learn to live on your commission.

Oh, it's a terrible job, child.

Scarcely better than manual labour.

Nonsense. You're a sales executive.

Today I sold a pack of Wonder Cleaner to a Mrs Harrison. Oh!

Well done, Daddy.

You'll soon be managerial.

New family size.

Not Mrs Harrison, she was a very attractive size.

I was thinking, you girls need a mother.

We don't need one that's married already!

Besides, you promised mummy you'd never marry again.

No, I didn't. I never married your mother.

SHRIEKS: Don't ever say that!

Remember, you've been so forgetful since you invaded Normandy.

Repeat after me, "Mummy was married."

Twice, but not to me.

You're delirious, Daddy.

I can smell it from here.

I think I'm in love with Mrs Harrison.

With Mummy's memory!

I tell everyone how devoted you were.

She ran off with a Yank! You were too young to remember.

She was killed in the Blitz.

She was often bombed, I'll give you that.

No problem, love. Say hello to your wife for me.

Oh, pack it in, our Rose!

If our Hyacinth catches you, she'll go spare!

Let him breathe, for goodness' sake!

It's not my bike.

I hate bikes.

It's just that it's so worth the trip.

Eric and I were merely exercising our lips.

Oh, you've got an Eric now?

Don't you think he looks like Stewart Granger?

No. Everybody says that.

What happened to George?

Oh, too shallow. And he's got a hairy nose.

Since yesterday?

Maybe it's a wig. You never complained before.

I was blinded by his Norton motorcycle.

When you're on the pillion you can only see the back of their necks.

His front came as quite a shock.

Give over! You seen more front than anybody I know.

I think it's a vocation.

BELL TRINGS

Looks like Father's "wobbly" again!

It's his war wound!

Daisy, why are you wearing Daddy's overalls?

Because it's me that's opening and closing this bridge.

While he takes on a second job to put food on our table.

You look like the opposite sex.

I like that look. Help Daddy indoors, he's not well.

Not well? He's plastered.

If anyone enquires, it's his war wound.

This family does not overindulge in alcohol.

So what is he wearing that loopy grin for?

I'm in love with a Mrs Harrison.

No, he isn't. I expect she reminds him of Mummy. Oh...

And how long has it been "daddy and mummy"?

You've been talking posher and posher ever since you got that job.

Respectable people call their parents mummy and daddy.

You hear nice things about sugar daddies.

Not from me, you don't.

Sugar daddies?

Your mother had one of them until her looks went.

I'm sure she didn't. Before my time.

The way she looked when I met her, she wouldn't have got past artificial sweetener!

He's wandering again, help me get him indoors.

Wandering? He's out of his bonnet!

They left the shrapnel in!

That's too much make-up, Rose.

Oh, um... There we go.

I wish she'd find more to do with that William of hers.

She doesn't believe in more before marriage.

I think that's weird, don't you?

How's Gary?

He's got headache. I'm not surprised, when you're dressed like that.

There is something magical waiting for anybody prepared to dig down.

PARROT: Where's Daddy?

I've had it in the oven on slow all afternoon, so tea should be ready.

The evening meal, Daisy, is known as dinner.

WATER PIPES JUDDER VIOLENTLY

But we were raised tea.

And now I'm raising us better.

Oh!

This house!

Where's the thing for under this table leg?

What have we got that's useless for anything else? There's Father, for a start.

That man has two jobs.

And I'm doing one of them while he's drinking the other!

Show a little sympathy for his combat fatigue.

The war's been over for years.

Not for Daddy. He still feels the strain of defeating Hitler.

Well, he spends most of his time not feeling a thing.

So, what happened to dinner at dinner time?

It's called lunch. Whatever it's called, can we get started on it?

As soon as Violet gets here.

Oh, I can hear a car. That'll be her now.

Her employer, giving her a lift again?

A married man? I don't like it.

What would Mummy have said?

According to Father, it was usually something foul.

It's quite clear to me, Daisy, that Mummy and Daddy were perfectly happy,

and it goes without saying, highly respectable.

He says she was anybody's!

If anyone asks, Mummy was a tower of strength in the Women's Institute.

She made her own jam.

Why is Violet still out there?

Chatting? I knew it.

Your sister's inches away from shame and destitution.

Our Violet knows how to look after our Violet.

I don't trust men with moustaches.

Imagine one inside your best china cup.

Who's got best china?

Oh, it's waiting for me in my future, somewhere!

Look at him smiling at her.

Do you think they've come straight home? How would I know?! Has she said anything?

Our Violet? Mm, she doesn't talk to us commoners.

What makes her think she's superior?

I'm the one that uses words like "impersonal".

What we looking at? Your sister's reckless behaviour.

Oh, she'll have to get closer than that.

Look! He's waving at her! That's not impersonal.

Ooh!

Ooh, that reminds me, must write to Brian.

Who left this here?

What? You're later than usual, in that car with a married man.

Don't start.

What's for tea? Dinner!

And why are you wearing your skirt shorter, and those dangerous earrings?

It's not shorter.

Then your legs have grown since yesterday.

Dangerous earrings?

They're not fit for work.

They're saying, "I'm up for mischief."

Oh, I could use a pair.

Get your own, you're not borrowing these.

I hope he brought you straight home.

We were late leaving.

Mr Cartwright can't drop everything in the middle of a sale.

You don't sell farm machinery every day.

Oh, it's "Mr Cartwright" now, is it?

It's always been Mr Cartwright.

The way you say it, it sounds like, "Hello, sailor."

And how long has he had that moustache?

How do I know how long he's had a moustache?

You're in moustache denial.

And yet you're working together every day.

Pack it in, Hyacinth.

We eating yet? Is Father home?

Daddy's resting. Mmm! Again?

Just like Mother.

She made her own jam.

# Sugar in the morning Sugar in the evening

# Sugar after suppertime

# Be my little sugar

# And love me all the time

# Honey in the morning Honey in the evening... #

PIPES JUDDER Oh, I hate living in squalor.

I've got plans. This is not squalor, this is genteel poverty.

Which we will be relieved of when Daddy becomes something big in the Wonder Brush Company.

The biggest wonder is he ever sells a brush!

Kindly remember that that man, in his lone bed,

had to single-handedly raise four infant daughters after Mummy was killed in the Blitz.

She ran off with a Yank!

Does that sound likely from someone who made their own jam?

He raised us "single-handedly"?

We had a new auntie every few months.

His bed had a bigger turnover than a baker's oven.

He slept on the sofa.

And if anyone enquires, he always slept on the sofa.

I'd better look in on Daddy. Don't leave the tap dripping.

She's on her own planet.

Right, low card loses.

Whose sleeping with Hyacinth? You don't get any giggles.

All she talks about is the house she's going to live in one day.

Keeps you awake half the night choosing wallpaper.

It's time you grew up, our Rose.

Life's not a giggle. It is if you know where to look.

Right, pick your cards. Lowest sleeps with Hyacinth.

Not only no giggles, you daren't whisper any secrets.

I should think you daren't, not yours.

VOILET GROANS

GIGGLING

What are you giggling at, you two?

She's lost a George and found an Eric.

Not another one. How do you remember which one's which?

I find if you snog a bit, it all comes back to you.

What's wrong with Mr Cartwright's moustache?

What's he hiding behind it?

I don't like you in the car with a married moustache,

you've got a bicycle.

I have to look decent at work.

Mr Cartwright says I'm an asset at reception.

You never smile, you misery.

You keep a face like a sore bum.

I smile at work!

What's there to smile about here?

Daddy's doing his best.

He recently sold a family pack of Wonder Cleaner!

And spent his commission before he gets it!

Alter your tone, madam! Daddy was a hero.

At Aldershot?

Oh, Aldershot was at war with Germany!

And then he served in the desert.

I know. He still keeps a picture of a belly dancer in his wallet.

Out of respect for her services to the Allied cause!

Just like Mother's to the Americans!

Drinking her way through the Eighth Air Force.

Hands across the sea, Violet. And legs, by the sound of it!

Do you think we could all be American?

That'd be better than living in this dump.

I think it's time we all went to sleep.

I could be eligible for Hollywood.

What, and leave Eric?

Goodnight, everyone. Say your prayers and dream nicely.

No funny stuff.

I hope we all haven't inherited Mother's genes.

She made her own jam!

PHONE RINGS

The Cooper-Smith residence, the maid speaking.

I believe Mrs Cooper-Smith has finished her breakfast.

Who, or should that be whom, shall I say is calling?

Yes, my lady.

No, my lady. Oh, no, my lady.

I'm sure I can remember a message from you...

I'm sorry, my lady. There seems to be some strange noises on the line.

And it's off to work we go.

Without a kiss or a goodbye?

Who is that on the phone, Hyacinth?

A Lady Harkness, ma'am.

I'll take that.

Good morning, Sylvia.

I've spoken to a Lady Harkness! Oh!

I must tell Daddy.

Me, chatting with the aristocracy.

She called me "girl"!

"What was that noise, girl?"

"That was Squadron Leader - retired - Cooper-Smith, overstepping his mark."

That one's not for Daddy.

That one's for me to sort out.

My husband is a cheating swine, Hyacinth.

Oh, it was just a glancing blow, ma'am.

He's been seen parked in a lay-by with some blonde tart.

Maybe a customer, ma'am?

He sells cars. From the back-seat?

Not just cars, dear, top of the range.

I wish I could say the same about his floozies.

I've done the bedrooms, ma'am.

So has Claude!

Oh, I hate that man!

I wish he were... Ugly!

I expect it's all a mistake.

Oh, no. It's Claude, all right.

Never happy unless he's bombing something.

And I have to learn about this particular target from that old bag, Sylvia Harkness!

Oh, ma'am. Should we be talking like that about the aristocracy?

Aristocracy?

He's in dog food.

Bought his damn title.

I like to know how.

Daddy tried and got nowhere.

She was his so-called secretary.

If she's any good at shorthand, it wasn't Pitman's.

Pour me a gin, and get yourself one.

Oh, no. I couldn't, ma'am.

It's a young girl's worst enemy.

No, dear. Other girls are a girl's worst enemy.

You won't want gin, there's a liqueur.

You'll find it much sweeter.

# Love, oh, love, oh, careless love

(# Love, oh, careless love)

# Love, oh, love, oh, careless love

(# Love, oh, careless love)

# You've broke the heart

# of many a poor girl

# But you'll never... #

Oh! Oh, um, the Cooper-Smith residence.

I know where I am, dear.

Is she in? I will see if Mrs Cooper-Smith is receiving.

Tell her it's Freddy.

Where'd you find that one? Hyacinth?

Oh, she's a treasure. Half-plastered.

That's my fault.

She finds she rather likes a liqueur.

Tastes like fruit squash.

You're drinking early.

I see you're ready to join me?

I thought you'd never ask.

Claude misbehaving again?

None of your business, Freddy.

Oh, I sometimes wonder.

Cheers. Then stop wondering.

I'm not likely to exchange one bounder for another. Hm.

This floor slopes gently.

One wonders, is that a feature of the houses of the well-to-do?

Hyacinth Walton, pull yourself together, girl!

Oh, I'll do the drawing room until this hallway settles down.

There's something in my eye, ma'am!

I can't see a thing. Excuse me while I go and get them bathed.

You see? A treasure.

'The ways of the upper classes are mysterious. Elegant but mysterious.

'Role models only to a point.

'I couldn't do with a Freddy of my own.

'I wonder if they're compulsory above a certain income?

'Surely there's a limit to how far a girl goes for better furnishings?

'Even for fitted carpet throughout.

'No, I couldn't.

'When I'm married, my husband will be safe from Freddies.

'Will I have to tell William I've been goosed?

'At least it was by an officer and a gentleman.'

Thanks, Daisy! See you tomorrow.

No problem!

Good evening.

I see Daddy's home early.

Tired from his labours.

He's that tired he's gone boating with two friends.

Oh, well done, Daddy!

Healthy exercise.

He took my bike.

How am I going to get to the pictures? You can borrow mine.

I do hope Daddy doesn't fall in the canal again.

Fishing him out's become routine.

Surely you don't begrudge assisting your Father from the canal?

It's my bike I'm worried about!

It takes ages finding that.

He never remembers where it went in.

Oh, poor Daddy.

If I'm not here, everything goes to pieces.

And Daisy, please change out your overalls before we sit down to dinner.

You sit down for dinner, I'll be sitting down for tea.

Repeat after me.

"This family is going upwardly mobile."

ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYS

Our Hyacinth's inside!

Ah, George. Off you go.

I thought you'd left George for Eric?

I have. But I'm letting George down gently.

Plus you get a lift home.

There is that.

I thought you didn't like his hairy nose?

I close my eyes and...think of England.

Oh, here we go again. I'm doing it! GIGGLING AND SHRIEKING

Let me do it! Come on, share, share!

SHRIEKING AND LAUGHTER

FATHER DRUNKELY SINGS

# Mr Sandman

# Bring me a dream

# Make her complexion like peaches and cream

# Give her two lips, like roses and clover

# Then tell me that my lonesome nights are over

# Sandman, I'm so alone

# Don't have nobody... #

What's this one for?

Your William's on his way.

Why is he wearing a hat?

I'm grooming him for executive level.

Are you letting him in this time? No!

Not until we get matching crockery and your underwear's not lying about all over the place.

Oh, she leaves it in funnier places than this!

I don't know how William puts up with you. You never do anything with him.

We're saving ourselves for marriage.

Ooh, and maybe then he can take his hat off(!)

I've never seen a boyfriend so underused.

They need a certain amount of exercise.

We're walking out together.

We go for walks.

We plan our future. Well, we're off to the pictures.

GIGGLING

And keep off that back row!

Don't worry.

SHE SIGHS

# Mr Sandman, bring me a dream. #

GIGGLING

Oooh! Oh, eh-up!

Looking smart, William.

I love the hat.

All dressed up for another exciting walk.

I feel overdressed in this hat.

Come away, you two. Put William down, we'll be late.

Goodbye, William. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Is there anything you wouldn't do?

Don't ask. She'll think it's a challenge.

You always feel there's so much more you could do with a William.

You're very quiet, William.

Have you lost all interest in planning our soft furnishings?

Hyacinth...

When are we going to do something else?

William Hitchcock! What makes you think I'm the kind of girl that which do something else?

I mean some other activity.

Never, William. Not before marriage.

Such as going to the cinema.

We're saving up from a bottom drawer.

I want to make you a home with all the refinements you could almost

sometimes see advertised on our telly.

A shipwreck! Don't look! Let's go home! W-Wait, isn't that your father?

Looks very much like him, I must tell Daddy he has a double.

No, it is. It's your father.

Oh, what superb eyesight you've got, William!

Ah, the ukulele! Daddy always loved music.

I expect he played till he was exhausted.

Who are these ladies? He probably rescued them from drowning.

No wonder he's exhausted. They don't look wet.

Reflexes like lightning. Saved them before they even got wet.

Step aboard, William. "Aboard"? A nautical term.

It's that way. No room for all of us on that little boat.

Please row Daddy back to where he left Daisy's bicycle.

And if he's still dizzy from his war wound, wheel him back.

But don't let him ride it!

Oh, Hyacinth.

Just a little farewell before these ladies enter their...nunnery.

And don't lend him any money!

I won't. He owes me 22 shillings and eightpence.

Hurry back, William!

TELEVISION: There's the sort of wild setting,

open moorland with distant horizons, which is most practical for hawking,

because there's less chance of losing the falcons...

Is Father back yet with my bike?

William's rowing him back to where he left it.

Rowing? Don't ask.

Father's coming. Alone?

Whoa... Help! SPLASHING SOUND

God, he's in again.

On my bike!

Where's the life belt?

Get the life belt! Coming, Daddy!

I don't like you seeing Freddy.

I don't like your tarts.

Have you been unfaithful to me? Not yet.

Bitch. Swine.

There's only you for me, Dulcie.

Promise? Yes. What about Freddy?

Freddy who?

SPLASHING AND YELLING

He's going under!

There's someone in the canal.

Ask him where he went in!

Where's my bike? Don't pester Daddy while he's drowning!

Daddy, what've you done with William?

Hyacinth? Oh, Squadron Leader! Oh...

May I introduce my father?

Very highly thought of in the Wonder Brush Company.

Daddy will be fine, Mrs Cooper-Smith,

though I have to wonder, were they right to leave the shrapnel in?

Don't let them in the house until we get matching tableware.

Daisy, please remove Rose from the squadron leader.

Daddy, where is William?

The girls took him to their place.

Oh! I hope he won't lose his hat!