Josh Widdicombe: What Do I Do Now...


Josh Widdicombe: What Do I Do Now...

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This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Josh Widdicombe!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

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Hmm, well...

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All right?

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Better not be shit now, eh?

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Thank you for coming.

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It's an absolute pleasure to be here, genuinely.

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But I'm more glad that you're here cos, if you hadn't been,

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this would have been one of the shittest nights of my life.

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It is lovely to be in London. I live in London.

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I've just been working in a place called Brazil.

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I don't know if you're aware of this.

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I'm not saying I was a big deal.

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I am a big deal in Brazil. I'm not saying that.

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I'll just tell you one story and you can judge for yourselves.

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I was getting some food in the Olympic Park

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and I was being served by a guy who was from Brazil

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and he looked at me and I saw him smile and I thought, "Here we go."

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And then he looked across at his mate who was working with him

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and he called him over and he pointed at me

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and they were laughing and pointing at each other, going, "Oh, look."

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And they were talking and they were going, Portuguese, Portuguese.

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That's not what they were saying.

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If he'd done that, the other one would have gone,

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"Sorry, are you having a breakdown?"

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No, but what I heard, he called his mate over,

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Portuguese, Portuguese, Portuguese,

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"Ed Sheeran," Portuguese, Portuguese.

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LAUGHTER

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I was really excited. I looked behind me,

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"Ed Sheeran's here, unbelievable!"

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He was nowhere to be seen. They'd been having me on all along.

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It's good to be back in London.

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I've lived in London now for ten years. Bloody hell!

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Originally, I lived in flat shares. I now live with my girlfriend.

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I don't like flat sharing.

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My final flat-share,

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I lived with a man who couldn't handle being an adult.

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He was no good at it. To give you an idea,

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the moment I realised I had to move out, the moment it reached its peak,

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was when I got a phone call from him one morning.

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I was out, and he said, "Josh, we've had a bit of an incident.

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"I've managed to flood the landing."

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And initially, I thought,

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"Well, that's an interesting use of the word 'managed'."

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Because that implies he's been trying to do it for ages.

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LAUGHTER

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"There's no taps. This is a lot more of a challenge than I thought.

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"I'm going to have to run a hosepipe down from the bathroom."

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This is what he said. "Josh, I've had a bit of an incident.

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"I've managed to flood the landing." I said, "How did you do it?"

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These were his words. He said,

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"What happened was I fell asleep in the shower..."

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LAUGHTER

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"..covering the plughole with my arse."

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Well, that isn't a thing!

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You can't just say that like that's a thing.

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That has never happened before.

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First, phone a plumber, second, phone the Guinness Book Of Records!

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I said, "Didn't you wake up when you fell asleep and fell over?"

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He said, "Oh, no, I was a bit tired halfway through,

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"so I just had a bit of a lie-down."

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Sorry, how tiring is your showering technique?

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Am I showering wrong? I've never got to the end of my face and gone,

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"I'm knackered!

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"I'm going to need 40 winks before I move onto my balls."

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I mean, he's not got a big face.

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I'm not living with David Coulthard!

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I mean, how did he do it? We've got that Radox relaxing shower gel.

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Unless he's drinking it...

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But it is, it's good to be back in London.

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I did the Apollo a few years ago for my last DVD.

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I should fill you in, if you were here,

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on all of the developments in my life.

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There's been some big developments. My life has changed.

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I've got a new debit card.

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Yeah, I don't want to brag, but I have one of the touchy-downy ones.

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Oh, my God! Never do you feel so smug in your life, do you,

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than when they go, "How would you like to pay?"

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Just like that, mate. See you later. LAUGHTER

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Where am I off to? The future!

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Why don't you give me a call when you get there, Captain Chequebook?

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The thing is, you get used to it. Now, you can't go back.

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You go somewhere that doesn't have that technology,

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you can't believe your ears.

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"Would you just like to put in your PIN number?" Are you kidding me?

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You expect me to stand here for four seconds, pushing buttons!

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What is this, a Victorian workhouse?

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No, I'm sorry, Pret A Manger, no!

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I'll be getting my Yoga Bunny Detox elsewhere from now on.

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LAUGHTER

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The worst is when you think they have the touchdown technology

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but they haven't.

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You look like you've never used a debit card...

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..before in your fucking life.

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They go, "How would you like to pay?" You're just going...

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"Sorry, are you having a breakdown?"

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I hate it when they've got the terminal

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and they have to ask for your permission. "Do mind if I just...?"

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"Yeah, I couldn't give a shit, mate. Just do it.

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"You're currently slowing down the process of speeding this up."

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I trust him. What is he going to do? Go, "Do you mind if I just...?

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"£4,000. Unlucky, my friend!

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"Enjoy your Sprite."

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Certainly the one I had the other day... This was unbelievable.

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I was buying something online.

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I was filling in the details and the first question, it said,

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"Does your debit card have a nickname?"

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No, not as far as I know, no.

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Maybe we're not as close as I thought.

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I wasn't going, "Fuck, the Flex Meister General's in town."

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Visa? More like fucking Geezer, mate.

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I tell you the other one I hate - when you're in a restaurant

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and the waiter makes too much of not looking at your PIN number.

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I hate that, when he goes,

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"If you'd just like to put in your PIN number."

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Well, I wasn't suspicious of you until NOW!

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It's like he's doing a magic trick.

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"If you'd just like to put in your PIN number.

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"Is it 4761?"

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I mean, that is my PIN number - I'm a fucking idiot.

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LAUGHTER

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Cos I struggle with technology. I find it undermines me, it does.

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Like my computer. I'm fine with most things.

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I'm fine with the red squiggly line underneath the word

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when you misspell something. I'm OK with that.

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I tell you what I'm not OK with.

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"No suggestions."

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When you click on the red squiggly line and it goes, "No."

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It might as well just go, "Are you a thick twat?

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"Cos I know all of the words and that is, literally, none of them.

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"Sorry, has a cat walked across your keyboard?

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"Are you Welsh?

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"Cos that is not a word!"

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Or I hate it when your computer just makes decisions for you.

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When you decide to copy some text from an e-mail

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into a Word document, your computer goes,

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"You're going to get that text,

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"but I'm going to go rogue on font choice.

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"You're going to get that text in size 48 pink Comic Sans.

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"I hope you can read Wingdings, cos that's what you're getting it in."

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Or if you just decide to bullet point and your computer goes,

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"Oh, you're going to be bullet pointing for ever, my friend.

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"You're never going to be able to start a new line

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"without a bullet point from now on.

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"I hope you speak in facts...

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"..cos everything in your life from now on is a list."

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My letters will be ending,

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"Bullet point, lots of love, bullet point, Josh."

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I like the touchdown debit card. I like the chip debit card, I do.

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I've got the new chip passport. Not such a fan of that.

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They say it's good.

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You get the new chip passport, you get your own special queue.

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Then you get to the airport

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and it turns out every fucker's got the new chip passport.

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You're all queueing up while one old bloke goes, "This is brilliant!

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"I've got my own special queue."

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I tell you what I hate -

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when you go on holiday, people ask you to get them stuff.

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Have you had this?

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You go on holiday and they go, "Are you going on holiday?" "Yeah, yeah."

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"Could you get me a large bottle of vodka?" "No.

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"No, I couldn't, because I'm going on holiday, not doing a big shop."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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They always do it. "Could you do me a little favour?

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"Could you get me 4,000 Lambert & Butler?"

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"No, I'm not a mule!"

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They might as well just go, "Are you all right to put this cocaine

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"in a condom and shove it up your arse?"

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They all give me this list of stuff.

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I've got it, I always say yes, and the final day,

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I'm always running around a city looking for these items.

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It's like I'm on an episode of The Apprentice,

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just running around in Milan, going, "I don't know what a pashmina is."

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LAUGHTER

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The worst... When I used to work in an office, that is the worst.

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You come back from holiday, people go, "Did you get us anything?"

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"No.

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"Cos the reason I went on holiday is to forget that you existed."

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"I'll be honest with you, I didn't think about you once in two weeks

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"and I loved it."

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I don't think that there should be presents involved in offices.

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The other one I'd get rid of, Secret Santa. That is...

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Office Secret Santa - that is a load of bullshit, isn't it?

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Every Christmas, they come down with a box of names

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and what you've got to do, pick out a name,

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then you get them a present, maximum £10.

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Oh, thank God you told me.

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Cos I was going to get Jean from HR a hovercraft.

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Yeah, I hope I haven't overspent, Jean. You close your eyes,

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I'll just reverse your present into the marina.

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This was the worst.

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Last birthday, my aunt sent me a birthday card,

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then my mum said to me I had to send my aunt

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a thank-you card for my birthday card.

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She then sent me a thank-you card

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for my thank-you card for her birthday card.

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I have been tricked into becoming my auntie's pen pal.

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Also, where are aunties getting their cards?

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Always from the same range, isn't it?

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Always something like the words "Birthday Boy",

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with a gentle watercolour of two footballers going in for a tackle.

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I have never seen one of these cards on sale.

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They just bought a boxload in the '70s.

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"Well, that will last me to death."

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Are they on Moonpig, going,

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"What I want, I want the words 'Birthday boy',

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"and then can I have a gentle watercolour

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"of a racing car going past a chequered flag?

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"While I'm there, can I get one with a gentle watercolour

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"of a golfer teeing off in tartan trousers?

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"Also, could you sellotape a pound coin on the inside as well?

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"It'll be the best 30th birthday he ever fucking has, won't it?"

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She bought me the worst present I've ever had last Christmas. Awful.

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I couldn't believe this, right.

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I was with her for Christmas, right, unwrapping presents.

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What I unwrapped from her

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was a flat cap.

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Oh, cheers, yeah, because it's my New Year's resolution

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to deliver bread on a bicycle.

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I looked disappointed, right.

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She looked up and she said, "Oh, sorry, have you already got one?"

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No, and I won't have one again,

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once I reach the charity shop.

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What am I meant to do with a flat cap?

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When you get a bad T-shirt as a present, you can do things.

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You can wear it under something else.

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You can't do that with a flat cap. Walking around town,

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no-one's spotted my flat cap underneath my top hat.

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With a T-shirt, you can wear it to the gym.

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You can't do that with a flat cap!

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On the treadmill, a girl goes past.

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Ey-up!

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No, I haven't been to Paris, it's just a T-shirt.

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This is what she said. She said, "Oh, I thought it was fashionable."

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Then she added, "Perhaps you could wear it backwards."

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Backwards? I'm not Samuel L Jackson!

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I do like Christmas, though. I'm not complaining about it. I do like it.

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There are certain things I like.

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Constant nibbles, I love the nibbles.

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I love the chocolate, the chocolate assortment, I love that.

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I love the biscuits and cheese, the cracker selection box.

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Love the cracker selection box.

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Love all of the crackers except one.

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You know the one I'm talking about. The one that shouldn't be there.

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The digestive.

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It's disguised itself, shaped as a loaf of Hovis.

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Sorry, who do you think you're kidding?

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You're something that shouldn't be here,

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disguised as something that shouldn't be here.

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I mean, what's happened?

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Is a digestive just a biscuit that is so shit

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it's been relegated to being a cracker?

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Rich Tea are going, "Fucking hell, that could have been us.

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"If we weren't so good at being dunked, we'd be down there as well."

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I don't want a sugary biscuit with my cheese.

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I tell you what would set this brie off beautifully -

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a Jaffa Cake.

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I like a cheese, I like a strong cheddar.

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On the cheddar scale, you know the one to five cheddar scale...

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It crept up on me. I still don't really know what it is.

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I'm presuming it's cheesiness,

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from five, cheesy,

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down to one, milk.

0:15:160:15:18

Who is eating a one? Man up, grow a pair. What is wrong with you?

0:15:200:15:24

I think you need to specify.

0:15:240:15:25

I think they should say, so you know what is the equivalent.

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So, it's strength, from one,

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which is the equivalent of the blandest taste known to man -

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a rice cake...

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..up to five, which is the strongest taste a human has ever experienced -

0:15:380:15:42

a salt and vinegar Disco.

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LAUGHTER

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Too strong, if anything, isn't it? Oh, my God!

0:15:490:15:52

"Are you all right, Josh?" CROAKING: No, I've eaten a Disco.

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I don't think I'll ever feel the roof of my mouth again.

0:15:550:15:58

I prefer the cheddar scale to the other scales in the supermarket,

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the pointless ones - the one to three chilli scale

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on the microwaveable curries. What is that?

0:16:050:16:08

Oh, yeah, it gives the full range of strength

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of a microwave curry, from one, mild,

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up to three, mild.

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Not the worst bit of the supermarket Indian range, is it?

0:16:170:16:21

We all know that - the naan bread.

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That is an absolute farce, isn't it?

0:16:230:16:26

I'm sorry, but that is not a naan bread.

0:16:260:16:29

If they brought one of them out in a restaurant...

0:16:290:16:31

Sorry, is this a prank?

0:16:310:16:33

I asked for a naan bread and you've brought me out a piece of futon.

0:16:330:16:37

It's rigid. It's like a catcher's mitt.

0:16:400:16:43

Chuck me an onion bhaji, I'm going long.

0:16:430:16:45

Oh, and yes, I have tried putting droplets of water on it.

0:16:480:16:51

It makes no difference!

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There I am, hunched over my tap, with my supermarket naan bread,

0:16:530:16:57

splashing away, like I'm trying to keep a beached whale alive.

0:16:570:17:00

It's like I'm waterboarding it for information.

0:17:020:17:05

Tell me why poppadoms are so moreish!

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The water just rolls off.

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It's waterproof. I could sleep in it at Glastonbury!

0:17:130:17:16

How have I got a bit of food

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that is both wet and dry at the same time?

0:17:200:17:22

Have you heard there's a hosepipe ban?

0:17:250:17:27

Yeah, sorry, I was making a naan bread.

0:17:270:17:29

I like a naan bread in a restaurant, I do.

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Other breads, I don't like in a restaurant.

0:17:330:17:35

You know, that situation where they just bring you some bread.

0:17:350:17:38

Have you had this? I went in a restaurant the other day, sat down.

0:17:380:17:40

He came over, he said, "Here's our menu."

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Then he said, "Before you start, do you want some bread?"

0:17:420:17:45

No.

0:17:470:17:48

No, because I'm not a duck.

0:17:490:17:51

LAUGHTER

0:17:510:17:54

If I wanted some bread, I'd be down at the pond

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with my beak out, wouldn't I?

0:17:570:17:59

I mean, how little confidence have you got in your main menu?

0:18:010:18:04

There's the menu.

0:18:040:18:05

I'd fill up on bread if I was you, mate, it's shit.

0:18:050:18:08

This is what he did, though. He came in and said,

0:18:090:18:11

"Do you want some bread?" Then he said, "Do you want some water?"

0:18:110:18:13

Sorry, is this a restaurant or solitary confinement?

0:18:130:18:16

Are you going to delouse me?

0:18:160:18:18

He brought out the bread. I had to eat it out of politeness.

0:18:200:18:23

It was very bland. I asked for Nutella.

0:18:230:18:25

It went down like a lead balloon.

0:18:250:18:27

And then he came over. I thought he was going to take the order.

0:18:270:18:30

He said, "Do you want some more bread?"

0:18:300:18:33

Sorry, who's in your kitchen? Jesus?

0:18:330:18:35

He brought that out, I ate that.

0:18:390:18:40

He came and said, "Can I take your order?"

0:18:400:18:42

I said, "No, I'm stuffed."

0:18:420:18:44

Where are you going for dinner?

0:18:440:18:45

Greggs, I think.

0:18:450:18:47

I like naan bread, though, I do.

0:18:490:18:51

I'm not one of those people that's pretentious about Indian food.

0:18:510:18:54

You know these people.

0:18:540:18:55

I was on a stag do recently, went for an Indian meal,

0:18:550:18:57

sat down next to a guy. I didn't know him.

0:18:570:18:59

He'd just come back from travelling, and the food came out.

0:18:590:19:02

They put it down and this is what he did. He went...

0:19:020:19:05

"Sorry, I just...

0:19:060:19:08

"I'm just so used to being in India,

0:19:090:19:11

"I almost started eating with my hands."

0:19:110:19:14

Sorry, I didn't realise I was sat next to a massive wanker.

0:19:170:19:21

You almost started eating with your hands?

0:19:260:19:28

I almost kicked you in the face with my foot.

0:19:280:19:30

The kind of person that would drink real ale

0:19:300:19:33

and act like that made him better than you.

0:19:330:19:35

These people, you get in a round with them.

0:19:350:19:37

You go, "I'll have a pint of lager." They go, "Oh, lager, really?

0:19:370:19:40

"A commercial lager? Wouldn't you prefer a pint of this?

0:19:400:19:43

"They brew it locally. They only make eight pints a month."

0:19:430:19:46

Yeah, you know why that is? Cos no-one wants to drink it, mate.

0:19:470:19:50

They're always going on about how much better it tastes.

0:19:500:19:53

No-one is drinking alcohol for the taste,

0:19:530:19:56

otherwise you wouldn't keep drinking it.

0:19:560:19:59

I like the taste of milk. I tend to stop after one glass.

0:19:590:20:03

You'd never find me at 2am, eight pints of milk down.

0:20:030:20:07

Fucking hell, there's got to be

0:20:070:20:09

another dairy open somewhere, hasn't there?

0:20:090:20:11

All back to mine. I've got some UHT in the fridge.

0:20:120:20:15

We'll party through till dawn.

0:20:150:20:17

They act like it makes them so much cooler than you.

0:20:200:20:23

You're not cooler than me cos you drink real ale.

0:20:230:20:26

James Bond wouldn't be as cool if, when he was in the casino,

0:20:260:20:28

the woman came over, "Get you another drink, 007?"

0:20:280:20:31

"Yeah, just a pint of Otter's Cock, please."

0:20:330:20:36

LAUGHTER

0:20:360:20:39

"Do you want it shaken or stirred?"

0:20:390:20:40

"No, flat and at room temperature. That's how I like it."

0:20:400:20:43

Now, I don't want you to think I'm just going to come out here tonight

0:20:470:20:50

and just talk about pointless shit all evening.

0:20:500:20:52

That's not going to happen. I'll deal with issues. Let's do it.

0:20:520:20:55

No, I can deal with the issues,

0:20:560:20:58

I can deal with the big issues, it's fine. Let's go.

0:20:580:21:01

I would give a life prison sentence...

0:21:010:21:03

Oh, you're worried now, aren't you?

0:21:030:21:06

Yeah, I would give a life prison sentence

0:21:060:21:08

to anyone who works in Pret A Manger

0:21:080:21:10

and when I order an individual yoghurt,

0:21:100:21:13

they fail to remind me to get a spoon.

0:21:130:21:15

Cos they know, in half an hour, I'll be sat in a train

0:21:150:21:18

head in my hands, thinking, "Why do bad things happen to good people?"

0:21:180:21:22

Thinking, "Can I fold my lid into a spoon?"

0:21:230:21:25

I don't have the origami skills, Hammersmith.

0:21:250:21:28

Cos I think, if you do a job, you should do the whole thing.

0:21:280:21:31

I got in a taxi the other day, gave him my destination

0:21:310:21:34

and he turned round and said, "Have you got a preferred route?"

0:21:340:21:37

Surely that is your job.

0:21:370:21:38

I might as well get in and him go, "Are you all right to do the gears?"

0:21:400:21:43

LAUGHTER

0:21:430:21:45

"Cos I'm eating a Yorkie. I haven't a got hand free."

0:21:450:21:48

But what I'm trying to tell you about the yoghurt, right...

0:21:490:21:52

To cut a long story short,

0:21:520:21:54

I don't know if you've ever bumped into someone

0:21:540:21:55

you haven't seen in six months

0:21:550:21:57

while you're on a train drinking a yoghurt...

0:21:570:21:59

LAUGHTER

0:21:590:22:02

It's a low moment.

0:22:020:22:04

You know they're going to report to mutual friends,

0:22:040:22:06

"I bumped into Josh." "How was he?" "Having a breakdown."

0:22:060:22:09

"He was mixing the two sides of a Fruit Corner with his own tongue."

0:22:100:22:15

"Has he got a girlfriend?"

0:22:180:22:19

"Well, he was getting off with a Petits Filous, yeah."

0:22:190:22:22

There's no panic like it on a train.

0:22:250:22:27

The only panic closer on a train is when, out of nowhere,

0:22:270:22:29

the announcement will come,

0:22:290:22:31

"At the next station, this train will be splitting in two.

0:22:310:22:34

"The front four coaches will be going..."

0:22:350:22:37

I've never known if I'm in the front or the back four coaches.

0:22:370:22:40

There'll be rumours flying around the carriage.

0:22:400:22:43

Stick your head out the window and count backwards.

0:22:430:22:45

I can't get the angle.

0:22:450:22:47

One guy in headphones who hasn't heard -

0:22:470:22:49

well, I'm not telling him. Unlucky, my friend.

0:22:490:22:51

Families being split up, like it's East and West Berlin.

0:22:530:22:57

You two go one way, we'll go the other.

0:22:580:23:00

Two of us will live on, the other two will end up in Littlehampton.

0:23:000:23:03

I do like the train, don't get me wrong. I love the train.

0:23:100:23:12

It's my favourite way to travel. Not all the time.

0:23:120:23:16

I had one bad experience. I got a sleeper train.

0:23:160:23:19

I don't know if any of you have done this.

0:23:190:23:21

It's not, not a pleasurable experience.

0:23:210:23:23

It should be called the "lying awake for seven hours livid" train.

0:23:230:23:27

The reason I got the sleeper train is my other option was to fly.

0:23:270:23:30

I hate flying. It terrifies me.

0:23:300:23:31

I don't know how people aren't scared of flying.

0:23:310:23:34

How are you OK with turbulence?

0:23:340:23:36

The first time I heard about that, I couldn't believe my ears.

0:23:360:23:39

What was that?

0:23:390:23:41

Oh, sorry, did we not tell you?

0:23:410:23:42

Sometimes when you're five miles in the air,

0:23:420:23:45

the plane will go up and down uncontrollably

0:23:450:23:47

and there's nothing the pilot can do about it.

0:23:470:23:49

That is not an acceptable feature!

0:23:510:23:53

If you got on a bus and they went, "Just so you know,

0:23:530:23:56

"sometimes, halfway down the motorway,

0:23:560:23:57

"we might just zigzag in and out of the lanes.

0:23:570:24:00

"There's nothing the driver can do about it."

0:24:000:24:03

I mean, I will admit, I'm not an expert on aviation.

0:24:060:24:09

Someone asked me the other day, "What do you think about this debate

0:24:090:24:12

"over whether Heathrow needs a third runway?"

0:24:120:24:15

My first reaction was, "Has Heathrow only got two runways?"

0:24:150:24:19

I assumed they had loads of them. It's a massive airport.

0:24:210:24:24

That means they've got more WHSmiths than they've got runways!

0:24:240:24:27

I mean, it's not an airport.

0:24:290:24:31

That's a newsagent with excellent transport links!

0:24:310:24:34

I know some people like flying.

0:24:410:24:43

We all know, as well, why people like it -

0:24:430:24:45

because of the departure lounge,

0:24:450:24:47

because it's socially acceptable you can drink at any time.

0:24:470:24:50

And I accept that. However, I tell you what's not socially acceptable -

0:24:500:24:54

what I saw the other day in the departure lounge -

0:24:540:24:56

a man at 7am, eating a Wagamama's.

0:24:560:24:58

What the hell are you doing?

0:25:000:25:02

That's not a thing.

0:25:020:25:03

There was a guy having a Guinness, going,

0:25:030:25:05

"Fucking hell, he's got problems, hasn't he?

0:25:050:25:07

"At least I'm taking on some iron."

0:25:080:25:11

But I think people are too laissez faire,

0:25:140:25:16

they're too laid-back about flying.

0:25:160:25:18

I was at an airport about a year ago.

0:25:180:25:20

All the flights were cancelled, due to bad weather.

0:25:200:25:23

But people were complaining.

0:25:230:25:25

Why are you complaining?

0:25:250:25:27

Surely far worse would be if you turn up at the airport

0:25:270:25:30

and your flight is the only one that ISN'T cancelled.

0:25:300:25:33

You turn up, they go,

0:25:340:25:35

"easyJet, flight E4597 is going to have a go for it."

0:25:350:25:39

We fly at a slightly faster pace than usual,

0:25:450:25:47

and the shuttle bus will be taking off in five minutes.

0:25:470:25:51

You get on, the masks are already down.

0:25:510:25:54

Do you want to see my passport?

0:25:540:25:56

You won't need that where you're going, mate.

0:25:560:25:58

Do you have your dental records?

0:25:590:26:01

And they don't reassure you when you get on.

0:26:040:26:06

They do that announcement,

0:26:060:26:07

"Just so you know, we're about half an hour late taking off

0:26:070:26:10

"but, don't worry, I'll try and make up a bit of time in the air."

0:26:100:26:13

I don't want to hear that! I'm shitting myself enough as it is,

0:26:130:26:17

without the news you're going to be speeding!

0:26:170:26:20

Might as well just say,

0:26:210:26:22

"Just so you know, we're a couple of hours behind, but don't worry,

0:26:220:26:25

"I know a short cut across North Korean airspace.

0:26:250:26:28

"Tell you what, who fancies a loop the loop?

0:26:320:26:34

"Fuck it, you only live once, don't you?

0:26:340:26:36

"I've seen the Red Devils do it. How difficult can it be?"

0:26:360:26:39

And the entertainment is not enough to distract you.

0:26:420:26:44

The films, fine. The other options...

0:26:440:26:46

Who are these people on planes

0:26:460:26:48

watching these single episodes of serial dramas?

0:26:480:26:51

Oh, series 5, episode 16 of Dexter.

0:26:530:26:56

Brilliant! That's exactly where I've got to in my box set.

0:26:580:27:01

I'll just go, "Well, I've missed the first 5 series and 15 episodes,

0:27:040:27:08

"I'm sure I'll catch up."

0:27:080:27:10

This was the worst.

0:27:100:27:11

I got on the other day... You will not believe this.

0:27:110:27:14

One of the options, genuinely -

0:27:140:27:15

series one, episode one of Lost.

0:27:150:27:19

LAUGHTER

0:27:190:27:22

The plane crash drama!

0:27:220:27:24

What are the other options? The Buddy Holly Story?

0:27:250:27:28

It's unbelievable!

0:27:310:27:33

That's still better than your other option, isn't it?

0:27:330:27:35

Watching that computerised map of your journey.

0:27:350:27:37

Who is that for? No, I'm not really into films.

0:27:390:27:41

No, I think I'll just watch the satnav for the next six hours.

0:27:410:27:44

You know what I'm talking about?

0:27:470:27:49

It's got a dot where you're coming from, a dot where you're going

0:27:490:27:52

and a picture of a plane and you turn it on and go,

0:27:520:27:54

"I knew that information."

0:27:540:27:56

I've never turned it on and gone, "Oh, fuck, I'm on the wrong plane.

0:27:560:28:00

"Well, thank God I checked.

0:28:030:28:04

"That could have been awkward, couldn't it?"

0:28:040:28:06

Also, why do I need to know how far I am on my route?

0:28:060:28:09

I'll tell you when I'll get off - when I fucking land.

0:28:090:28:11

Oh, look, I'm going over my house. I'll jump out here.

0:28:120:28:15

Also, that plane - that's not to scale, is it?

0:28:190:28:22

It's absolutely massive!

0:28:260:28:28

I flew from London to Aberdeen the other day,

0:28:280:28:30

turned it on and all I could see was plane.

0:28:300:28:33

If I walk down to the cockpit, I'm going to be there.

0:28:340:28:37

There's always pointless statistics underneath.

0:28:430:28:45

Outside temperature, -40 degrees.

0:28:450:28:47

Give a shit! I'm in here!

0:28:470:28:50

Oh, thank God I checked. I was going to nip out for a fag.

0:28:510:28:54

LAUGHTER

0:28:540:28:57

I'd better put my parka on before I go wing-walking, yeah?

0:28:580:29:01

And then they turn the entertainment off as you're coming into land.

0:29:050:29:08

Why do you do that? "It's half an hour from landing,

0:29:080:29:10

"we've got to turn the entertainment off."

0:29:100:29:12

Why? Sorry, it's a video player.

0:29:120:29:14

I refuse to accept that the technology interferes.

0:29:140:29:17

"I'm afraid we're going to have to turn it off cos it turns out

0:29:170:29:20

"the pause button is also the one that brings the wheels up and down."

0:29:200:29:23

LAUGHTER

0:29:230:29:26

I tell you what happened the other day.

0:29:280:29:30

We were coming into land, someone pressed fast forward,

0:29:300:29:32

and we only took off again.

0:29:320:29:34

I mean, what else could it be? Health and safety?

0:29:390:29:42

I asked the air hostess, "Why is it?"

0:29:420:29:44

She said, "It's health and safety."

0:29:440:29:46

Sorry? That we're going to crash-land

0:29:460:29:48

and I fail to get off cos I'm enjoying Paddington too much?

0:29:480:29:51

So, that's why I got the sleeper train.

0:29:580:30:00

Have any of you here ever got a sleeper train?

0:30:040:30:06

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT

0:30:060:30:08

I was worried about missing it cos it's the last train

0:30:080:30:10

out of Edinburgh. I got there an hour and a half early.

0:30:100:30:13

I don't know if you've ever tried killing an hour and a half

0:30:130:30:16

at Edinburgh Waverley station at around midnight.

0:30:160:30:19

There is very little to do.

0:30:190:30:21

I think I am the person in the world who has come the closest

0:30:210:30:24

at a station to paying 20p to weigh myself on those scales.

0:30:240:30:28

LAUGHTER

0:30:280:30:31

Who is using them?

0:30:330:30:35

Occasionally, I pay 20p to go to the toilet, if I'm desperate.

0:30:350:30:38

I've never been that desperate to know my own weight.

0:30:380:30:41

I mean, maybe if I'd paid for the toilet

0:30:410:30:43

and I wanted to check I've got my money's worth.

0:30:430:30:45

They've always got an absolutely massive dial, haven't they?

0:30:490:30:52

You've got to be confident that is going to be good news,

0:30:520:30:54

otherwise there's going to be someone on the opposite platform,

0:30:540:30:57

going, "Fucking hell, the Fat Controller's back in town."

0:30:570:31:00

It's like the Countdown Clock.

0:31:030:31:05

I don't want to find out like that.

0:31:050:31:07

# De-de-de-de-de-de. # Fat. I don't want to know!

0:31:070:31:09

What's it for? The harshest Weight Watchers meeting of all time?

0:31:110:31:15

When's the next meeting?

0:31:150:31:17

King's Cross St Pancras at rush hour, sir.

0:31:170:31:19

See if you eat a Peperami this week, you fat bastard.

0:31:190:31:22

I made the mistake, I didn't go with the scales. What I did, I upgraded.

0:31:270:31:31

I paid 50p to kill some time on the massage chair.

0:31:310:31:36

I don't know if you've used one of these.

0:31:370:31:40

I thought it would not just kill time, but relax me.

0:31:400:31:43

I put in my 50p, sat down, it started.

0:31:430:31:46

That's when I realised it's actually not that relaxing...

0:31:460:31:50

..to be sexually assaulted by a chair on a public thoroughfare.

0:31:510:31:54

It's pretty racy. At one point,

0:31:550:31:57

I thought it was going to ask for 50p for a happy finish.

0:31:570:32:00

It's going, right, and you're sat there, thinking,

0:32:010:32:03

"I couldn't look more sinister if I tried.

0:32:030:32:06

"Look at the grin on your face."

0:32:060:32:08

And then I looked up, realised they had placed this chair

0:32:080:32:11

opposite the exit to the women's toilets.

0:32:110:32:14

I mean, never have I looked more sinister in my life.

0:32:170:32:20

At one point, with the vibrations, I felt like we were moving forwards.

0:32:200:32:23

I thought, "If I end up in the women's toilets,

0:32:230:32:25

"I am not going to be able to explain this to the police."

0:32:250:32:28

Well, I did kill an hour and a half, but it was in custody.

0:32:300:32:33

So, I got the sleeper train.

0:32:360:32:38

Do not, if you get a sleeper train, travel alone.

0:32:380:32:41

That was a mistake. Cos what happens was...

0:32:410:32:43

This was the most absurd question I've been asked all year.

0:32:430:32:46

I went to buy the ticket and he said, "It'll be this much."

0:32:460:32:48

And then this was the question he asked.

0:32:480:32:50

He said, "It'll be this much,

0:32:500:32:53

"or would you like to save £20

0:32:530:32:56

"and share a compartment with a stranger?"

0:32:560:33:00

No...

0:33:020:33:04

I would pay my life savings to avoid such a fate.

0:33:040:33:07

Because the best case scenario there,

0:33:100:33:12

is I'm asleep when he kills me.

0:33:120:33:14

You might say no-one's ever murdered on a train. Have you seen Poirot?

0:33:170:33:20

It's happening all the time!

0:33:200:33:22

I mean, that is not an acceptable offer.

0:33:230:33:25

I've never had that in a hotel.

0:33:250:33:27

I've never got to the reception of a hotel,

0:33:290:33:31

"There's your room, but I can knock off 20 quid

0:33:310:33:33

"if you want to jump in with Lenny Henry."

0:33:330:33:35

I think I'll leave it, if it's all the same with you.

0:33:370:33:40

One of the options he said, "It's got lockable doors."

0:33:420:33:45

That is of no use if he's already in there with me.

0:33:450:33:48

All I've got now is a cellmate.

0:33:490:33:51

I've had some bad sleeps recently.

0:33:530:33:55

I slept on a single bed for the first time in ages recently.

0:33:550:33:58

Have you tried this as an adult?

0:33:580:34:00

Were they always that thin?

0:34:000:34:02

Sleeping on a bed? It's more like balancing on a log!

0:34:030:34:06

I felt like I was working on my core strength to stay on.

0:34:080:34:11

"Have you been working out?"

0:34:110:34:12

No, I've been sleeping on a single bed. I'm fucking ripped, mate.

0:34:120:34:16

It's like eight hours of Pilates every night.

0:34:160:34:18

Is that why people are so muscly when they get out of prison?

0:34:200:34:23

They said, "You can push it next to the wall. Will that help?"

0:34:250:34:28

I said, "No, cos then the best case scenario

0:34:280:34:31

"is I roll over and hit a wall."

0:34:310:34:34

"You slept in."

0:34:340:34:35

Well, at 8am, I turned over and knocked myself out.

0:34:350:34:38

Also, they don't need to make the duvet small as well.

0:34:380:34:41

It's the size of flannel.

0:34:410:34:43

"Were you warm?"

0:34:430:34:45

My knee was!

0:34:450:34:47

I felt like I was in Sylvanian Families!

0:34:480:34:51

I was just using it to preserve my modesty, like Adam and Eve.

0:34:530:34:57

We've all had bad sleeps.

0:34:590:35:00

I know you've all had the one where you're tricked.

0:35:000:35:03

You go to a friend's, they say, "Have another couple of drinks,

0:35:030:35:05

"we've got a spare bed." One in the morning,

0:35:050:35:07

"we'll just go and fetch you the air bed." What?

0:35:070:35:09

"You're all right on an air bed, aren't you?"

0:35:090:35:11

No, cos this isn't the outback!

0:35:110:35:14

I'm not sleeping on an air bed

0:35:140:35:16

cos I'm not George Michael at Club Tropicana.

0:35:160:35:19

They bring it down and you're stood there for two hours.

0:35:200:35:22

"Are you all right?" No, I'm waking up.

0:35:220:35:24

I feel like Michael Flatley in training.

0:35:240:35:27

I've never got the guts to pump it up to the top so, in the end,

0:35:290:35:32

I am lying hard on the floor, while two bits of air bed

0:35:320:35:35

sandwich around me, like I'm the sausage in a hot dog.

0:35:350:35:39

Oh, my God, have you done the couple on an air bed?

0:35:430:35:46

That's a tense night, isn't it?

0:35:460:35:48

Get a point of balance, do not move a muscle.

0:35:480:35:51

One of you breathes out, you both roll into the middle.

0:35:520:35:56

Oh, I tell you the other one I hate.

0:36:000:36:02

You go to a hotel, you ask for a double bed,

0:36:020:36:03

they've clearly pushed two singles together.

0:36:030:36:06

You can feel the crack of doom.

0:36:060:36:08

You're just lying there on the edge of your bed, going,

0:36:080:36:11

"Please don't let me roll into the crack in the middle of the night

0:36:110:36:14

"and be swallowed by my own bed."

0:36:140:36:16

Lenny Henry lying there...

0:36:160:36:19

Where did he go? I'm not paying full price, he was here!

0:36:190:36:23

LAUGHTER

0:36:230:36:25

I've got a double bed. It might be a queen size, it might be a king size.

0:36:290:36:34

No-one knows, do they?

0:36:340:36:36

All you know is your bed is one bigger

0:36:360:36:38

than the sheet you just bought.

0:36:380:36:41

LAUGHTER

0:36:410:36:43

You'll try and fit it on though, won't you? "I can do this."

0:36:450:36:48

Till after about an hour, when you go,

0:36:480:36:50

"Well, I don't need a sheet on all four corners of my bed, do I?

0:36:500:36:53

"I'll just go for three and then the world's most powerful catapult."

0:36:530:36:58

Four in the morning, thrust into the wall at 80mph.

0:37:000:37:04

-What's your name, sir?

-Dan.

-Dan.

0:37:060:37:09

-What bed have you got, Dan?

-A double bed.

-Just a double bed.

0:37:090:37:12

What did you have when you were a kid, as a bed?

0:37:120:37:14

-Single bed.

-Single bed. Just a classic single?

-Yeah.

0:37:140:37:18

No bells or whistles. I'd have killed for that, mate.

0:37:180:37:21

Do you know what I had? I'll tell you.

0:37:210:37:24

Cos otherwise it would be an awful question to ask you.

0:37:240:37:26

I had a thing called a cabin bed.

0:37:260:37:29

If you don't know what a cabin bed is, Dan, I'll explain it to you.

0:37:290:37:32

What it was, it was the height of a bunk bed but, below it,

0:37:320:37:36

instead of another bed, I had a desk.

0:37:360:37:38

Basically, my parents had made the executive decision

0:37:380:37:42

that I was more likely to write a letter than have a friend.

0:37:420:37:45

People would come round. "Can I say over?"

0:37:550:37:57

No, but you can catch up on your admin.

0:37:570:37:59

What seven-year-old needs quick access to a desk

0:38:010:38:04

in the middle of the night?

0:38:040:38:05

Wake up at three in the morning. I need to pen my memoirs.

0:38:050:38:09

I'll just climb down the most painful ladder in the world.

0:38:100:38:14

Oh, my God, the pain of that bunk bed ladder!

0:38:140:38:16

There was nothing like it, was there?

0:38:160:38:18

"Do you want to go to bed?" No, I prefer to keep my feet.

0:38:180:38:21

It was like a biblical punishment.

0:38:230:38:25

You shouldn't have to put your shoes on to go to bed.

0:38:250:38:28

Sometimes my parents would come up, I'd just be asleep on the desk.

0:38:310:38:35

"He's working late, isn't he?"

0:38:360:38:38

Those memoirs aren't going to pen themselves.

0:38:380:38:41

I did have a cabin bed.

0:38:450:38:47

I tell you how my mum tried to convince me

0:38:470:38:50

that it was a good thing to have a cabin bed. This is what she said.

0:38:500:38:53

She said, "Actually, Josh, you should be really pleased

0:38:530:38:57

"you've got a cabin bed cos, actually, it's a very grown-up bed."

0:38:570:39:01

Now, I'm a grown-up now. That is not the case, is it?

0:39:050:39:10

I don't know if there's any single women here

0:39:110:39:13

but, if you went back to a guy's house...

0:39:130:39:15

..and things were going pretty well

0:39:190:39:22

and he went, "Do you want to come through to my bedroom?

0:39:220:39:25

"Put your shoes back on."

0:39:250:39:27

Got myself a mover and a shaker here, haven't I?

0:39:290:39:32

He works hard and he plays hard!

0:39:320:39:34

I wasn't a cool child, I'll admit that.

0:39:370:39:40

Is there anyone here who is under 16?

0:39:400:39:42

You, first row.

0:39:420:39:44

-What's your name?

-Phoebe.

-I'll tell you what, Phoebe.

0:39:440:39:47

I'll test who was the cooler teenager, me or you.

0:39:470:39:50

It's very simple. I'm just going to ask you a yes/no question.

0:39:500:39:54

-You OK with that?

-Yeah.

-OK, here's the question. It's very simple.

0:39:540:39:58

This is to judge who was the cooler kid, me or you.

0:39:580:40:01

When you were ten...

0:40:020:40:04

..did you have your own Filofax?

0:40:050:40:07

I bet you don't even know what a Filofax is, do you?

0:40:100:40:13

Imagine the calendar section of your iPhone in a ring binder.

0:40:130:40:17

If you haven't got an iPhone... I've got an iPhone.

0:40:200:40:23

It's not actually the worst phone...

0:40:230:40:25

It annoys me but it's not the worst phone I've got. I've got a landline.

0:40:250:40:28

My girlfriend bought us a phone for our landline.

0:40:280:40:31

She went out and she bought one of those retro turny phones.

0:40:310:40:34

Have you tried making a call on one of these?

0:40:340:40:37

You phone someone with a nine in their number,

0:40:370:40:40

it's quicker walking to their house.

0:40:400:40:41

I mean, if we get burgled, you go, "999, are you kidding me?"

0:40:440:40:47

I'd like to report a burglary. "When did it happen?"

0:40:470:40:50

Six months ago

0:40:500:40:52

when I started making this call.

0:40:520:40:54

"What have they taken?"

0:40:540:40:56

Everything except my shit phone.

0:40:560:40:58

She bought it at a charity shop. A charity shop?

0:41:020:41:04

Think about how a phone ends up in a charity shop. Think about it.

0:41:040:41:07

We own a dead man's phone.

0:41:070:41:09

Do you know the last number dialled on our phone?

0:41:090:41:12

99. That is the last number dialled on our phone.

0:41:120:41:15

Sorry, Phoebe, I digress.

0:41:180:41:21

The question is a simple yes or no.

0:41:210:41:22

Did you have a Filofax when you were ten?

0:41:220:41:25

-No.

-No, you win, Phoebe.

0:41:250:41:28

I'll admit it. I had a Filofax.

0:41:280:41:30

I want you to believe me at this point, Phoebe,

0:41:300:41:32

so I brought it with me as proof.

0:41:320:41:34

Here it is. This is my Fun Fax. There it is.

0:41:340:41:37

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:370:41:40

-Got a higher reception than

-I

-did at the top!

0:41:400:41:43

There it is. I don't know why I had this.

0:41:430:41:45

I don't know how I thought this was going to help me

0:41:450:41:48

in my day-to-day life.

0:41:480:41:49

How I imagined my day would go -

0:41:490:41:51

wake up, put my shoes on,

0:41:510:41:53

go down my ladder...

0:41:530:41:55

Check my Filofax. Have I got any meetings? No.

0:41:590:42:02

Because I'm ten.

0:42:030:42:05

In fact, I've got a lot fewer social engagements

0:42:070:42:09

since I started walking round the playground with my own Filofax.

0:42:090:42:13

Oh, well, I'll just put my Fun Fax away

0:42:170:42:19

and read my broadsheet newspaper, the Funday Times,

0:42:190:42:21

cos, clearly, if you put the word "fun" in front of anything

0:42:210:42:24

when I was a kid, I'd have loved it.

0:42:240:42:26

I've got a fungal nail infection. Brilliant!

0:42:260:42:29

I got my dad to send me this. It's a weird old thing, actually.

0:42:330:42:37

You've got the diary here, all the dates for your diary.

0:42:370:42:40

They've marked in important dates for you to learn.

0:42:400:42:43

So, July here, we've got...

0:42:430:42:45

So, July 4th, Declaration of Independence,

0:42:450:42:47

July 20th, Neil Armstrong becomes the first man on the moon.

0:42:470:42:51

I would question how few important days they could find for September.

0:42:510:42:55

Just one date for your diary. September 1st,

0:42:550:42:59

Gloria Estefan's birthday.

0:42:590:43:01

Was that a bigger cultural event than I remember?

0:43:050:43:08

"Can you come out tonight, Josh?"

0:43:080:43:09

No, I'm afraid it's Gloria Estefan's birthday.

0:43:090:43:12

We're having our annual family meal.

0:43:120:43:14

It's Estefanmas at my house, Oh, yeah.

0:43:150:43:18

"What about tomorrow?"

0:43:180:43:19

No, I'm afraid it's Cyndi Lauper's baptism. It's quite the week.

0:43:190:43:22

This is my favourite section - Amazing Fun Facts.

0:43:260:43:29

You can learn things.

0:43:290:43:31

For instance, the first one is, "Cats use whiskers

0:43:310:43:34

"to judge whether they can fit through gaps."

0:43:340:43:36

Though I would question this,

0:43:360:43:38

cos I've never actually seen it in action. I've never seen a cat...

0:43:380:43:42

No, I'm going to leave it, if it's all the same with you.

0:43:460:43:49

Although to be fair, I've never seen a cat with its head in railings

0:43:490:43:51

going, "Fucking hell, those whiskers didn't work, did they?"

0:43:510:43:54

This is the weird bit, though, the Fun Facts, right,

0:43:580:44:00

cos it gets slightly sexist.

0:44:000:44:02

Jane Austen here, she is described, not as an author,

0:44:020:44:05

but as an authoress,

0:44:050:44:07

so they can go, "Yeah, she's an author, but she's a fucking woman."

0:44:070:44:11

As if the word "Jane" hadn't given it away in the first place.

0:44:110:44:15

And you might say I'm jumping to conclusions.

0:44:150:44:17

I'm just going to read you one fact from the Amazing Fun Facts

0:44:170:44:20

and you can judge for yourself whether you think

0:44:200:44:23

they were promoting a sexist message to children. Here it is.

0:44:230:44:26

The fact is,

0:44:260:44:27

"The word 'bride' comes from an old German word

0:44:270:44:31

"meaning to 'cook'."

0:44:310:44:33

And the title they've given that fact is,

0:44:340:44:37

"She knows what's expected of her."

0:44:370:44:39

I mean, I don't know what shit

0:44:410:44:43

the guy that was writing the Fun Facts was going through at the time.

0:44:430:44:46

Have you got any more facts, Steve?

0:44:460:44:48

Yeah, one in three women are cheating bitches

0:44:480:44:51

that will rip out your heart as soon as look at you.

0:44:510:44:54

Steve, you've got to move on. The relationship's over.

0:44:540:44:58

Gloria Estefan has left you, mate.

0:44:580:45:00

You've got a children's Filofax to write, man.

0:45:020:45:04

I shouldn't really make jokes about break-ups.

0:45:070:45:09

We all know going through a break-up is the hardest thing in the world.

0:45:090:45:12

Actually, the second hardest thing in the world.

0:45:120:45:14

We all know the hardest thing in the world

0:45:140:45:16

and that is picking a CD up off a laminate floor.

0:45:160:45:19

LAUGHTER

0:45:190:45:21

That's tough, isn't it? Drop a CD.

0:45:240:45:25

Well, that's four hours of my life gone.

0:45:250:45:27

Chase it around like it's air hockey.

0:45:270:45:29

I'm never going to get my fingernails under it.

0:45:290:45:32

If we sell the house, I'm going to have to make it a feature.

0:45:320:45:34

Come in. We've got a microwave, a fridge freezer,

0:45:340:45:37

that's Urban Hymns by The Verve.

0:45:370:45:39

LAUGHTER

0:45:390:45:41

How am I meant to pick it up, a plunger? I don't own a plunger.

0:45:420:45:45

I'm not going to call out a plumber.

0:45:450:45:47

You all right, mate? What's the job?

0:45:470:45:49

Pick that up, will you?

0:45:490:45:50

Why do you recognise me?

0:45:500:45:52

I flooded my landing just two weeks ago.

0:45:520:45:54

The reason I've got this,

0:45:570:45:59

I wanted to prove to you that that is what my childhood was like,

0:45:590:46:03

growing up in Devon in the '90s,

0:46:030:46:04

cos the last bit, I'm going to talk about that.

0:46:040:46:07

And it sounds absurd when I talk about what it was like

0:46:070:46:10

growing up in Dartmoor, just 20 years ago.

0:46:100:46:12

Yet all of this is true. I had a Fun Fax.

0:46:120:46:15

That was a cool thing in those days. I'll just give you an idea.

0:46:150:46:18

How many kids have you got in your year at school, Phoebe?

0:46:180:46:21

-Um...100.

-100.

0:46:210:46:22

Do you know how many kids I had in my year at primary school?

0:46:220:46:25

Four.

0:46:250:46:27

There was a five-a-side football tournament we couldn't enter.

0:46:270:46:30

We genuinely had one thing in our playground -

0:46:320:46:34

a tyre, like a monkey enclosure.

0:46:340:46:37

Not even on a rope, just lying there,

0:46:370:46:40

as if there'd been a car crash and it had bounced over

0:46:400:46:43

and they'd gone, "Fuck it, they'll enjoy it."

0:46:430:46:45

We genuinely, no word of a lie, had a lesson, once a week,

0:46:450:46:49

where we listened to the radio.

0:46:490:46:51

Like evacuees, waiting for news from the front.

0:46:530:46:56

I don't remember what the show was. I imagine it was educational.

0:46:570:47:00

It wasn't just the teacher going, "Sod this, I'm off for a fag.

0:47:000:47:03

"Here's Steve Wright. Enjoy yourself, losers.

0:47:030:47:05

"Let's hope these factoids come up in the exam."

0:47:050:47:09

So, I question these things, growing up, whether they were real.

0:47:100:47:13

Harvest festivals. Did you have that?

0:47:130:47:15

Once a year, at the time of the harvest,

0:47:150:47:18

we'd bring in tins of food that we'd give to the local old people.

0:47:180:47:22

Basically, we'd celebrate the harvest by giving old people

0:47:220:47:25

food that was going to last longer than they did.

0:47:250:47:28

Here you go. Enjoy that, if I was you, quickly.

0:47:300:47:32

Always things that had nothing to do with the harvest.

0:47:320:47:35

Who has ever harvested Spam?

0:47:350:47:37

What did we think was growing in fields?

0:47:390:47:41

That field, that's Angel Delight,

0:47:410:47:44

and that one is Cheese Strings, pick your own.

0:47:440:47:46

We'd look forward to anything.

0:47:480:47:49

We'd look forward to mufti day, non-uniform day.

0:47:490:47:51

We loved that. We loved it cos we were excited.

0:47:510:47:55

But why were we excited?

0:47:550:47:56

How exciting is wearing your own clothes?

0:47:560:47:59

I never sat at home, going, "Fucking brilliant time."

0:47:590:48:01

What am I up to? Wearing my own clothes.

0:48:010:48:04

Hey, Steve, do you want to come round and wear your own clothes?

0:48:040:48:08

It IS a weird question, isn't it?

0:48:080:48:10

But we loved it cos we knew someone was going to forget.

0:48:100:48:14

Oh, yeah!

0:48:140:48:15

He'd take his tie off. You are fooling no-one, my friend.

0:48:150:48:19

My teacher would go, "It's like a fashion show, isn't it?"

0:48:210:48:23

No, it's not. It's far more brutal.

0:48:230:48:25

Cos, never at a fashion show, is David Gandy chased around

0:48:250:48:29

while everyone else attempts to rip off his Adidas popper trousers.

0:48:290:48:32

I would say, if you're wearing quick-release trousers

0:48:340:48:36

to a mufti day, you are your own worst enemy.

0:48:360:48:38

You make it to registration and you're not in your pants,

0:48:380:48:41

consider that a victory.

0:48:410:48:43

The biggest mistake I ever made, I'll admit this.

0:48:430:48:46

I wore swimming shorts. I thought they were normal shorts.

0:48:460:48:49

People said, "Why have they got the netting pants inside?"

0:48:490:48:53

I don't even know why they've got

0:48:530:48:54

the netting pants in swimming shorts. You don't need them.

0:48:540:48:57

It wouldn't be an issue. You wouldn't get to swim and go,

0:48:570:49:00

"Sorry, I can't go in, cos I've forgotten my netting pants.

0:49:000:49:03

"But I've got a bag of tangerines. I could make do and mend."

0:49:030:49:06

I'm going into the sea.

0:49:080:49:10

I know what happens when you take netting into the sea.

0:49:100:49:12

I don't want to do that. I'm swimming, not dredging for mackerel.

0:49:120:49:16

"How was the swim?"

0:49:160:49:18

Put it this way, fire up the barbecue

0:49:180:49:20

and dinner will be served.

0:49:200:49:22

We didn't even learn anything good.

0:49:240:49:26

Art class, I wanted to learn to draw.

0:49:260:49:28

The only tip I remember learning from art class -

0:49:280:49:30

when drawing a face, always remember the eyes are exactly halfway down.

0:49:300:49:35

No, they're not.

0:49:350:49:37

Have you seen a face?

0:49:370:49:39

Oh, yeah, of course my eyes are halfway down.

0:49:390:49:42

That's why I wear my glasses under my ears.

0:49:420:49:45

What does he look like?

0:49:450:49:47

Normal bloke, 50% forehead.

0:49:470:49:49

The only way that tip is of any use is if the question in the exam

0:49:510:49:54

is draw Ant from Ant and Dec.

0:49:540:49:56

Science, the only thing I learnt in science

0:49:590:50:01

was how to use a Bunsen burner.

0:50:010:50:03

Not a skill I've needed in later life.

0:50:030:50:05

Never did someone come round...

0:50:050:50:06

Do you want a cup of tea? I'll just pop on the Bunsen burner.

0:50:060:50:09

Blue flame, I'm not an idiot.

0:50:090:50:11

Only one use for orange flame, wasn't there?

0:50:130:50:16

HE BLOWS

0:50:160:50:17

Oh, that just happened. Your eyes aren't deceiving you.

0:50:170:50:21

Never see one as an adult. Never outside a pub,

0:50:210:50:24

"Have you got a light?" Yeah, have you got a gas tap?

0:50:240:50:26

Also, what is going on with health and safety in schools?

0:50:280:50:31

I'm not allowed a conker in the playground

0:50:310:50:33

but I am allowed a flame-thrower in the classroom?

0:50:330:50:36

The only other piece of equipment we ever used in science was,

0:50:370:50:40

once a week, we'd be dispatched to the car park

0:50:400:50:43

with a wheel on a stick.

0:50:430:50:44

A trundle wheel.

0:50:440:50:47

We'd just walk around for hours, just clicking.

0:50:470:50:50

I don't know what I'm learning here.

0:50:500:50:52

Is this going to come up in the exam?

0:50:520:50:55

Question one, explain photosynthesis.

0:50:550:50:58

Question two, how big is the car park...

0:50:580:51:01

..to the nearest ten clicks?

0:51:020:51:04

That's why the best day in science, the best day in all of school,

0:51:040:51:07

was when they go, "And today, we're going to watch the television."

0:51:070:51:10

Brilliant, like at home. No, not like at home,

0:51:100:51:12

cos this TV show will be shit.

0:51:120:51:14

But they'd build up the excitement, the teacher,

0:51:140:51:17

by leaving the room and then slowly wheeling the TV back in,

0:51:170:51:22

like it was the Queen.

0:51:220:51:25

All hail the television!

0:51:260:51:28

And then they'd fail to make it work for 20 minutes

0:51:280:51:32

and wheel it back out...

0:51:320:51:34

..and bring out the trundle wheels.

0:51:350:51:37

LAUGHTER

0:51:370:51:39

That's how it worked, Phoebe. You've got to believe me on that.

0:51:400:51:44

Before I go, I should admit that I have told one lie.

0:51:440:51:48

I have told one lie about growing up. I should admit that before I go.

0:51:480:51:52

I should admit this is not my Fun Fax. I will admit that.

0:51:520:51:55

I did have a Fun Fax, but I phoned my dad.

0:51:550:51:58

I said, "Have you got my Fun Fax?"

0:51:580:52:00

He said, "No, we didn't think you'd want it. We threw it away."

0:52:000:52:02

I said, "I wish you'd done that 20 years ago, mate."

0:52:020:52:05

I had to go on Amazon Marketplace to get this.

0:52:050:52:08

They are now a collector's item.

0:52:080:52:11

I had to pay 40 quid for this!

0:52:110:52:13

I am now the only person in the UK who has bought a Fun Fax

0:52:140:52:18

and claimed it as a business expense.

0:52:180:52:20

The problem is, once you get it,

0:52:260:52:28

you start getting the "Amazon recommends" e-mails, don't you?

0:52:280:52:31

Before you know it, you get addicted to the fucking inserts.

0:52:310:52:33

Look at that!

0:52:330:52:36

Friendship bracelets, face painting, calculator fun.

0:52:360:52:39

Not one mention of the word BOOBS.

0:52:390:52:42

However, there is a bit where it says,

0:52:440:52:46

"Write in the numbers 37818,

0:52:460:52:49

"turn your calculator upside down. What have you got?

0:52:490:52:51

"The word 'BIBLE'."

0:52:510:52:53

That is NOT calculator fun!

0:52:530:52:56

Hey, guys, a bit of fun, the word of our Lord. Get involved.

0:52:560:53:00

A Beginner's Guide To First Aid.

0:53:000:53:03

I'm sorry, but if I broke my leg,

0:53:030:53:05

and a kid showed up and got this out, I would shit myself.

0:53:050:53:08

I suppose, I can only really end with something

0:53:130:53:15

from the Fun Fax's book of jokes - Jokes And More Jokes.

0:53:150:53:19

It seems appropriate. I tell you what, I'll pick a random page.

0:53:190:53:23

Dan, you can pick the joke number.

0:53:230:53:25

Page 42, that is.

0:53:250:53:28

That's "Udderly Hilarious Jokes". Jokes about cows.

0:53:280:53:32

I'll give you a practice joke, just so you can get a taste for them.

0:53:330:53:36

"What do you call a sleeping cow?

0:53:360:53:38

"A bulldozer." SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER

0:53:380:53:41

Right, a few of you enjoyed it.

0:53:410:53:43

The rest of you are going to need to get on board.

0:53:430:53:46

One, two, three, four, five. Dan, a joke from one to five.

0:53:470:53:51

-Three.

-Three. OK, to finish the show...

0:53:510:53:54

..and the DVD, Dan.

0:53:560:53:58

An udderly hilarious joke from the Fun Fax's book of jokes,

0:54:000:54:03

Jokes And More Jokes.

0:54:030:54:05

One, two, three, right.

0:54:050:54:07

"What do you call a cow with no feelings?

0:54:070:54:10

"My ex-wife."

0:54:100:54:12

Way to ruin the DVD, Dan.

0:54:220:54:25

You've been absolutely lovely. Thank you very much. Goodnight!

0:54:260:54:28

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:54:280:54:32

I've got a few loose ends to tie up before I go,

0:54:490:54:52

I want to fill you in with.

0:54:520:54:55

Number one, I should say, this has been the elephant in the room,

0:54:550:54:59

I should deal with this.

0:54:590:55:00

I know that this year GQ produced their list

0:55:020:55:04

of the ten best and worst-dressed men in Britain.

0:55:040:55:07

-Was I on the best-dressed list? Of course, I f... AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-No!

0:55:090:55:12

All right!

0:55:120:55:14

No, I wasn't. I was the second worst-dressed man in Britain,

0:55:140:55:18

according to GQ magazine.

0:55:180:55:21

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:55:210:55:23

BOOING

0:55:230:55:26

A picture of me in a flat cap.

0:55:260:55:28

I was going to the fucking gym, OK!

0:55:280:55:30

They described my style, genuinely, word for word,

0:55:340:55:38

as "an update on Bilbo Baggins".

0:55:380:55:41

He's not even a historical figure!

0:55:430:55:46

How could it be an update?

0:55:460:55:48

It was judged by... One of the judges was Giorgio Armani.

0:55:500:55:55

I didn't even know that was a real person!

0:55:550:55:57

I thought he was made up, like George at Asda.

0:55:580:56:01

Number one, any guesses?

0:56:060:56:08

Paul Hollywood.

0:56:080:56:09

Paul Hollywood. I met him a few months ago. Very nice man.

0:56:120:56:14

He came up to me and said, "Really, really unfair, isn't it,

0:56:140:56:18

us two being voted the two worst-dressed men in Britain?"

0:56:180:56:21

And I thought, "Well, ME, yeah.

0:56:210:56:23

"Have a look at yourself, mate, you're a state.

0:56:240:56:27

"You've got boot-cut jeans and your cuffs overturned.

0:56:270:56:30

"Also, while you're here,

0:56:300:56:32

"how much water do I need to put on a naan bread?"

0:56:320:56:35

I've got one more thing

0:56:430:56:45

I want to show you before I go. Give me one sec.

0:56:450:56:47

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:56:550:56:59

It's annoying that doesn't work.

0:57:070:57:09

It always gets a clap and a laugh, but you have to question,

0:57:090:57:12

was it worth bringing it on tour for 50 nights?

0:57:120:57:15

Particularly as I was travelling by train.

0:57:170:57:19

It was unbelievable! I had to put it on the seat next to me.

0:57:190:57:22

Jeremy Corbyn was fucking livid.

0:57:220:57:24

See, wait 90 minutes, you'll finally get one satirical joke.

0:57:320:57:36

Tell you what, Phoebe, I'll blow your mind one more time.

0:57:390:57:41

You're not going to believe this. Whoa, look at the depth of that!

0:57:410:57:44

Whoa! Do you know what's in there?

0:57:460:57:48

Me neither, but we don't need it any more, do we?

0:57:480:57:50

That's the thing about old TVs, wasn't it?

0:57:530:57:55

The screen was smaller but they were closer.

0:57:550:57:57

We brought this out in Exeter. We got three bids on it.

0:58:010:58:05

You have been absolutely lovely.

0:58:070:58:09

Can I just thank you all for coming

0:58:090:58:11

because it genuinely means the world to me?

0:58:110:58:13

Thank you so much for listening. It was a joy to play for you.

0:58:170:58:20

Thank you very much. Cheers, goodnight!

0:58:200:58:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:58:220:58:25

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