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This programme contains strong language and adult humour. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:10 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Josh Widdicombe! | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
Hmm, well... | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
All right? | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
Better not be shit now, eh? | 0:00:47 | 0:00:49 | |
Thank you for coming. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
It's an absolute pleasure to be here, genuinely. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
But I'm more glad that you're here cos, if you hadn't been, | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
this would have been one of the shittest nights of my life. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
It is lovely to be in London. I live in London. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
I've just been working in a place called Brazil. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
I don't know if you're aware of this. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
I'm not saying I was a big deal. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:10 | |
I am a big deal in Brazil. I'm not saying that. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
I'll just tell you one story and you can judge for yourselves. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
I was getting some food in the Olympic Park | 0:01:15 | 0:01:19 | |
and I was being served by a guy who was from Brazil | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
and he looked at me and I saw him smile and I thought, "Here we go." | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
And then he looked across at his mate who was working with him | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
and he called him over and he pointed at me | 0:01:31 | 0:01:32 | |
and they were laughing and pointing at each other, going, "Oh, look." | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
And they were talking and they were going, Portuguese, Portuguese. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
That's not what they were saying. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
If he'd done that, the other one would have gone, | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
"Sorry, are you having a breakdown?" | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
No, but what I heard, he called his mate over, | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
Portuguese, Portuguese, Portuguese, | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
"Ed Sheeran," Portuguese, Portuguese. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
I was really excited. I looked behind me, | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
"Ed Sheeran's here, unbelievable!" | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
He was nowhere to be seen. They'd been having me on all along. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:05 | |
It's good to be back in London. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
I've lived in London now for ten years. Bloody hell! | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
Originally, I lived in flat shares. I now live with my girlfriend. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
I don't like flat sharing. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
My final flat-share, | 0:02:16 | 0:02:17 | |
I lived with a man who couldn't handle being an adult. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:21 | |
He was no good at it. To give you an idea, | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
the moment I realised I had to move out, the moment it reached its peak, | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
was when I got a phone call from him one morning. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
I was out, and he said, "Josh, we've had a bit of an incident. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
"I've managed to flood the landing." | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
And initially, I thought, | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
"Well, that's an interesting use of the word 'managed'." | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
Because that implies he's been trying to do it for ages. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
"There's no taps. This is a lot more of a challenge than I thought. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:50 | |
"I'm going to have to run a hosepipe down from the bathroom." | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
This is what he said. "Josh, I've had a bit of an incident. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
"I've managed to flood the landing." I said, "How did you do it?" | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
These were his words. He said, | 0:02:59 | 0:03:00 | |
"What happened was I fell asleep in the shower..." | 0:03:00 | 0:03:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
"..covering the plughole with my arse." | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
Well, that isn't a thing! | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
You can't just say that like that's a thing. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
That has never happened before. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
First, phone a plumber, second, phone the Guinness Book Of Records! | 0:03:19 | 0:03:23 | |
I said, "Didn't you wake up when you fell asleep and fell over?" | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
He said, "Oh, no, I was a bit tired halfway through, | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
"so I just had a bit of a lie-down." | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
Sorry, how tiring is your showering technique? | 0:03:32 | 0:03:36 | |
Am I showering wrong? I've never got to the end of my face and gone, | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
"I'm knackered! | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
"I'm going to need 40 winks before I move onto my balls." | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
I mean, he's not got a big face. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
I'm not living with David Coulthard! | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
I mean, how did he do it? We've got that Radox relaxing shower gel. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:58 | |
Unless he's drinking it... | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
But it is, it's good to be back in London. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
I did the Apollo a few years ago for my last DVD. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
I should fill you in, if you were here, | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
on all of the developments in my life. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
There's been some big developments. My life has changed. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
I've got a new debit card. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
Yeah, I don't want to brag, but I have one of the touchy-downy ones. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
Oh, my God! Never do you feel so smug in your life, do you, | 0:04:21 | 0:04:25 | |
than when they go, "How would you like to pay?" | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
Just like that, mate. See you later. LAUGHTER | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
Where am I off to? The future! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
Why don't you give me a call when you get there, Captain Chequebook? | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
The thing is, you get used to it. Now, you can't go back. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
You go somewhere that doesn't have that technology, | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
you can't believe your ears. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
"Would you just like to put in your PIN number?" Are you kidding me? | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
You expect me to stand here for four seconds, pushing buttons! | 0:04:50 | 0:04:56 | |
What is this, a Victorian workhouse? | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
No, I'm sorry, Pret A Manger, no! | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
I'll be getting my Yoga Bunny Detox elsewhere from now on. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
The worst is when you think they have the touchdown technology | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
but they haven't. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
You look like you've never used a debit card... | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
..before in your fucking life. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
They go, "How would you like to pay?" You're just going... | 0:05:20 | 0:05:22 | |
"Sorry, are you having a breakdown?" | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
I hate it when they've got the terminal | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
and they have to ask for your permission. "Do mind if I just...?" | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
"Yeah, I couldn't give a shit, mate. Just do it. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
"You're currently slowing down the process of speeding this up." | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
I trust him. What is he going to do? Go, "Do you mind if I just...? | 0:05:45 | 0:05:49 | |
"£4,000. Unlucky, my friend! | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
"Enjoy your Sprite." | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Certainly the one I had the other day... This was unbelievable. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
I was buying something online. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:00 | |
I was filling in the details and the first question, it said, | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
"Does your debit card have a nickname?" | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
No, not as far as I know, no. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:10 | |
Maybe we're not as close as I thought. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
I wasn't going, "Fuck, the Flex Meister General's in town." | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
Visa? More like fucking Geezer, mate. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
I tell you the other one I hate - when you're in a restaurant | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
and the waiter makes too much of not looking at your PIN number. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:31 | |
I hate that, when he goes, | 0:06:31 | 0:06:32 | |
"If you'd just like to put in your PIN number." | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
Well, I wasn't suspicious of you until NOW! | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
It's like he's doing a magic trick. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
"If you'd just like to put in your PIN number. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
"Is it 4761?" | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
I mean, that is my PIN number - I'm a fucking idiot. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
Cos I struggle with technology. I find it undermines me, it does. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:02 | |
Like my computer. I'm fine with most things. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
I'm fine with the red squiggly line underneath the word | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
when you misspell something. I'm OK with that. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
I tell you what I'm not OK with. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
"No suggestions." | 0:07:13 | 0:07:14 | |
When you click on the red squiggly line and it goes, "No." | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
It might as well just go, "Are you a thick twat? | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
"Cos I know all of the words and that is, literally, none of them. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:31 | |
"Sorry, has a cat walked across your keyboard? | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
"Are you Welsh? | 0:07:36 | 0:07:38 | |
"Cos that is not a word!" | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
Or I hate it when your computer just makes decisions for you. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
When you decide to copy some text from an e-mail | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
into a Word document, your computer goes, | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
"You're going to get that text, | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
"but I'm going to go rogue on font choice. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
"You're going to get that text in size 48 pink Comic Sans. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:59 | |
"I hope you can read Wingdings, cos that's what you're getting it in." | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
Or if you just decide to bullet point and your computer goes, | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
"Oh, you're going to be bullet pointing for ever, my friend. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
"You're never going to be able to start a new line | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
"without a bullet point from now on. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
"I hope you speak in facts... | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
"..cos everything in your life from now on is a list." | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
My letters will be ending, | 0:08:27 | 0:08:28 | |
"Bullet point, lots of love, bullet point, Josh." | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
I like the touchdown debit card. I like the chip debit card, I do. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
I've got the new chip passport. Not such a fan of that. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
They say it's good. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
You get the new chip passport, you get your own special queue. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
Then you get to the airport | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
and it turns out every fucker's got the new chip passport. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
You're all queueing up while one old bloke goes, "This is brilliant! | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
"I've got my own special queue." | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
I tell you what I hate - | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
when you go on holiday, people ask you to get them stuff. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:05 | |
Have you had this? | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
You go on holiday and they go, "Are you going on holiday?" "Yeah, yeah." | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
"Could you get me a large bottle of vodka?" "No. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
"No, I couldn't, because I'm going on holiday, not doing a big shop." | 0:09:14 | 0:09:18 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
They always do it. "Could you do me a little favour? | 0:09:24 | 0:09:27 | |
"Could you get me 4,000 Lambert & Butler?" | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
"No, I'm not a mule!" | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
They might as well just go, "Are you all right to put this cocaine | 0:09:31 | 0:09:35 | |
"in a condom and shove it up your arse?" | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
They all give me this list of stuff. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
I've got it, I always say yes, and the final day, | 0:09:41 | 0:09:43 | |
I'm always running around a city looking for these items. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
It's like I'm on an episode of The Apprentice, | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
just running around in Milan, going, "I don't know what a pashmina is." | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
The worst... When I used to work in an office, that is the worst. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
You come back from holiday, people go, "Did you get us anything?" | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
"No. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
"Cos the reason I went on holiday is to forget that you existed." | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
"I'll be honest with you, I didn't think about you once in two weeks | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
"and I loved it." | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
I don't think that there should be presents involved in offices. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
The other one I'd get rid of, Secret Santa. That is... | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
Office Secret Santa - that is a load of bullshit, isn't it? | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
Every Christmas, they come down with a box of names | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
and what you've got to do, pick out a name, | 0:10:37 | 0:10:40 | |
then you get them a present, maximum £10. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
Oh, thank God you told me. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
Cos I was going to get Jean from HR a hovercraft. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:49 | |
Yeah, I hope I haven't overspent, Jean. You close your eyes, | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
I'll just reverse your present into the marina. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
This was the worst. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
Last birthday, my aunt sent me a birthday card, | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
then my mum said to me I had to send my aunt | 0:11:09 | 0:11:13 | |
a thank-you card for my birthday card. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
She then sent me a thank-you card | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
for my thank-you card for her birthday card. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
I have been tricked into becoming my auntie's pen pal. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
Also, where are aunties getting their cards? | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
Always from the same range, isn't it? | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
Always something like the words "Birthday Boy", | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
with a gentle watercolour of two footballers going in for a tackle. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:42 | |
I have never seen one of these cards on sale. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:51 | |
They just bought a boxload in the '70s. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
"Well, that will last me to death." | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
Are they on Moonpig, going, | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
"What I want, I want the words 'Birthday boy', | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
"and then can I have a gentle watercolour | 0:12:00 | 0:12:04 | |
"of a racing car going past a chequered flag? | 0:12:04 | 0:12:08 | |
"While I'm there, can I get one with a gentle watercolour | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
"of a golfer teeing off in tartan trousers? | 0:12:14 | 0:12:18 | |
"Also, could you sellotape a pound coin on the inside as well? | 0:12:19 | 0:12:23 | |
"It'll be the best 30th birthday he ever fucking has, won't it?" | 0:12:25 | 0:12:29 | |
She bought me the worst present I've ever had last Christmas. Awful. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
I couldn't believe this, right. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
I was with her for Christmas, right, unwrapping presents. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:41 | |
What I unwrapped from her | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
was a flat cap. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
Oh, cheers, yeah, because it's my New Year's resolution | 0:12:46 | 0:12:50 | |
to deliver bread on a bicycle. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
I looked disappointed, right. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
She looked up and she said, "Oh, sorry, have you already got one?" | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
No, and I won't have one again, | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
once I reach the charity shop. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
What am I meant to do with a flat cap? | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
When you get a bad T-shirt as a present, you can do things. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
You can wear it under something else. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
You can't do that with a flat cap. Walking around town, | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
no-one's spotted my flat cap underneath my top hat. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
With a T-shirt, you can wear it to the gym. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
You can't do that with a flat cap! | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
On the treadmill, a girl goes past. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
Ey-up! | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
No, I haven't been to Paris, it's just a T-shirt. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
This is what she said. She said, "Oh, I thought it was fashionable." | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
Then she added, "Perhaps you could wear it backwards." | 0:13:38 | 0:13:42 | |
Backwards? I'm not Samuel L Jackson! | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
I do like Christmas, though. I'm not complaining about it. I do like it. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:54 | |
There are certain things I like. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
Constant nibbles, I love the nibbles. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
I love the chocolate, the chocolate assortment, I love that. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
I love the biscuits and cheese, the cracker selection box. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:05 | |
Love the cracker selection box. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
Love all of the crackers except one. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
You know the one I'm talking about. The one that shouldn't be there. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:15 | |
The digestive. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:18 | |
It's disguised itself, shaped as a loaf of Hovis. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
Sorry, who do you think you're kidding? | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
You're something that shouldn't be here, | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
disguised as something that shouldn't be here. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
I mean, what's happened? | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
Is a digestive just a biscuit that is so shit | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
it's been relegated to being a cracker? | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
Rich Tea are going, "Fucking hell, that could have been us. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:48 | |
"If we weren't so good at being dunked, we'd be down there as well." | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
I don't want a sugary biscuit with my cheese. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
I tell you what would set this brie off beautifully - | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
a Jaffa Cake. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
I like a cheese, I like a strong cheddar. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
On the cheddar scale, you know the one to five cheddar scale... | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
It crept up on me. I still don't really know what it is. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
I'm presuming it's cheesiness, | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
from five, cheesy, | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
down to one, milk. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
Who is eating a one? Man up, grow a pair. What is wrong with you? | 0:15:20 | 0:15:24 | |
I think you need to specify. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:25 | |
I think they should say, so you know what is the equivalent. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
So, it's strength, from one, | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
which is the equivalent of the blandest taste known to man - | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
a rice cake... | 0:15:35 | 0:15:36 | |
..up to five, which is the strongest taste a human has ever experienced - | 0:15:38 | 0:15:42 | |
a salt and vinegar Disco. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
Too strong, if anything, isn't it? Oh, my God! | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
"Are you all right, Josh?" CROAKING: No, I've eaten a Disco. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
I don't think I'll ever feel the roof of my mouth again. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
I prefer the cheddar scale to the other scales in the supermarket, | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
the pointless ones - the one to three chilli scale | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
on the microwaveable curries. What is that? | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
Oh, yeah, it gives the full range of strength | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
of a microwave curry, from one, mild, | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
up to three, mild. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
Not the worst bit of the supermarket Indian range, is it? | 0:16:17 | 0:16:21 | |
We all know that - the naan bread. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:23 | |
That is an absolute farce, isn't it? | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
I'm sorry, but that is not a naan bread. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
If they brought one of them out in a restaurant... | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
Sorry, is this a prank? | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
I asked for a naan bread and you've brought me out a piece of futon. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:37 | |
It's rigid. It's like a catcher's mitt. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
Chuck me an onion bhaji, I'm going long. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
Oh, and yes, I have tried putting droplets of water on it. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
It makes no difference! | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
There I am, hunched over my tap, with my supermarket naan bread, | 0:16:53 | 0:16:57 | |
splashing away, like I'm trying to keep a beached whale alive. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
It's like I'm waterboarding it for information. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
Tell me why poppadoms are so moreish! | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
The water just rolls off. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
It's waterproof. I could sleep in it at Glastonbury! | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
How have I got a bit of food | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
that is both wet and dry at the same time? | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
Have you heard there's a hosepipe ban? | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
Yeah, sorry, I was making a naan bread. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
I like a naan bread in a restaurant, I do. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
Other breads, I don't like in a restaurant. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
You know, that situation where they just bring you some bread. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
Have you had this? I went in a restaurant the other day, sat down. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
He came over, he said, "Here's our menu." | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
Then he said, "Before you start, do you want some bread?" | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
No. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:48 | |
No, because I'm not a duck. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
If I wanted some bread, I'd be down at the pond | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
with my beak out, wouldn't I? | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
I mean, how little confidence have you got in your main menu? | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
There's the menu. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:05 | |
I'd fill up on bread if I was you, mate, it's shit. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
This is what he did, though. He came in and said, | 0:18:09 | 0:18:11 | |
"Do you want some bread?" Then he said, "Do you want some water?" | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
Sorry, is this a restaurant or solitary confinement? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
Are you going to delouse me? | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
He brought out the bread. I had to eat it out of politeness. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
It was very bland. I asked for Nutella. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
It went down like a lead balloon. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
And then he came over. I thought he was going to take the order. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
He said, "Do you want some more bread?" | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
Sorry, who's in your kitchen? Jesus? | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
He brought that out, I ate that. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:40 | |
He came and said, "Can I take your order?" | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
I said, "No, I'm stuffed." | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
Where are you going for dinner? | 0:18:44 | 0:18:45 | |
Greggs, I think. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
I like naan bread, though, I do. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
I'm not one of those people that's pretentious about Indian food. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
You know these people. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:55 | |
I was on a stag do recently, went for an Indian meal, | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
sat down next to a guy. I didn't know him. | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
He'd just come back from travelling, and the food came out. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
They put it down and this is what he did. He went... | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
"Sorry, I just... | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
"I'm just so used to being in India, | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
"I almost started eating with my hands." | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
Sorry, I didn't realise I was sat next to a massive wanker. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:21 | |
You almost started eating with your hands? | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
I almost kicked you in the face with my foot. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
The kind of person that would drink real ale | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
and act like that made him better than you. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
These people, you get in a round with them. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
You go, "I'll have a pint of lager." They go, "Oh, lager, really? | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
"A commercial lager? Wouldn't you prefer a pint of this? | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
"They brew it locally. They only make eight pints a month." | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
Yeah, you know why that is? Cos no-one wants to drink it, mate. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
They're always going on about how much better it tastes. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:53 | |
No-one is drinking alcohol for the taste, | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
otherwise you wouldn't keep drinking it. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
I like the taste of milk. I tend to stop after one glass. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:03 | |
You'd never find me at 2am, eight pints of milk down. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:07 | |
Fucking hell, there's got to be | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
another dairy open somewhere, hasn't there? | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
All back to mine. I've got some UHT in the fridge. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
We'll party through till dawn. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
They act like it makes them so much cooler than you. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:23 | |
You're not cooler than me cos you drink real ale. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
James Bond wouldn't be as cool if, when he was in the casino, | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
the woman came over, "Get you another drink, 007?" | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
"Yeah, just a pint of Otter's Cock, please." | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
"Do you want it shaken or stirred?" | 0:20:39 | 0:20:40 | |
"No, flat and at room temperature. That's how I like it." | 0:20:40 | 0:20:43 | |
Now, I don't want you to think I'm just going to come out here tonight | 0:20:47 | 0:20:50 | |
and just talk about pointless shit all evening. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
That's not going to happen. I'll deal with issues. Let's do it. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
No, I can deal with the issues, | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
I can deal with the big issues, it's fine. Let's go. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
I would give a life prison sentence... | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
Oh, you're worried now, aren't you? | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
Yeah, I would give a life prison sentence | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
to anyone who works in Pret A Manger | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
and when I order an individual yoghurt, | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
they fail to remind me to get a spoon. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
Cos they know, in half an hour, I'll be sat in a train | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
head in my hands, thinking, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" | 0:21:18 | 0:21:22 | |
Thinking, "Can I fold my lid into a spoon?" | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
I don't have the origami skills, Hammersmith. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
Cos I think, if you do a job, you should do the whole thing. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
I got in a taxi the other day, gave him my destination | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
and he turned round and said, "Have you got a preferred route?" | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
Surely that is your job. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:38 | |
I might as well get in and him go, "Are you all right to do the gears?" | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:43 | 0:21:45 | |
"Cos I'm eating a Yorkie. I haven't a got hand free." | 0:21:45 | 0:21:48 | |
But what I'm trying to tell you about the yoghurt, right... | 0:21:49 | 0:21:52 | |
To cut a long story short, | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
I don't know if you've ever bumped into someone | 0:21:54 | 0:21:55 | |
you haven't seen in six months | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
while you're on a train drinking a yoghurt... | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
It's a low moment. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
You know they're going to report to mutual friends, | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
"I bumped into Josh." "How was he?" "Having a breakdown." | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
"He was mixing the two sides of a Fruit Corner with his own tongue." | 0:22:10 | 0:22:15 | |
"Has he got a girlfriend?" | 0:22:18 | 0:22:19 | |
"Well, he was getting off with a Petits Filous, yeah." | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
There's no panic like it on a train. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
The only panic closer on a train is when, out of nowhere, | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
the announcement will come, | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
"At the next station, this train will be splitting in two. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:34 | |
"The front four coaches will be going..." | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
I've never known if I'm in the front or the back four coaches. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
There'll be rumours flying around the carriage. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
Stick your head out the window and count backwards. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
I can't get the angle. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
One guy in headphones who hasn't heard - | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
well, I'm not telling him. Unlucky, my friend. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
Families being split up, like it's East and West Berlin. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:57 | |
You two go one way, we'll go the other. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
Two of us will live on, the other two will end up in Littlehampton. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
I do like the train, don't get me wrong. I love the train. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
It's my favourite way to travel. Not all the time. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:16 | |
I had one bad experience. I got a sleeper train. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
I don't know if any of you have done this. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
It's not, not a pleasurable experience. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
It should be called the "lying awake for seven hours livid" train. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:27 | |
The reason I got the sleeper train is my other option was to fly. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
I hate flying. It terrifies me. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:31 | |
I don't know how people aren't scared of flying. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
How are you OK with turbulence? | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
The first time I heard about that, I couldn't believe my ears. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:39 | |
What was that? | 0:23:39 | 0:23:41 | |
Oh, sorry, did we not tell you? | 0:23:41 | 0:23:42 | |
Sometimes when you're five miles in the air, | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
the plane will go up and down uncontrollably | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
and there's nothing the pilot can do about it. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
That is not an acceptable feature! | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
If you got on a bus and they went, "Just so you know, | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
"sometimes, halfway down the motorway, | 0:23:56 | 0:23:57 | |
"we might just zigzag in and out of the lanes. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
"There's nothing the driver can do about it." | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
I mean, I will admit, I'm not an expert on aviation. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:09 | |
Someone asked me the other day, "What do you think about this debate | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
"over whether Heathrow needs a third runway?" | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
My first reaction was, "Has Heathrow only got two runways?" | 0:24:15 | 0:24:19 | |
I assumed they had loads of them. It's a massive airport. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:24 | |
That means they've got more WHSmiths than they've got runways! | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
I mean, it's not an airport. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
That's a newsagent with excellent transport links! | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
I know some people like flying. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:43 | |
We all know, as well, why people like it - | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
because of the departure lounge, | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
because it's socially acceptable you can drink at any time. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
And I accept that. However, I tell you what's not socially acceptable - | 0:24:50 | 0:24:54 | |
what I saw the other day in the departure lounge - | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
a man at 7am, eating a Wagamama's. | 0:24:56 | 0:24:58 | |
What the hell are you doing? | 0:25:00 | 0:25:02 | |
That's not a thing. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:03 | |
There was a guy having a Guinness, going, | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
"Fucking hell, he's got problems, hasn't he? | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
"At least I'm taking on some iron." | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
But I think people are too laissez faire, | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
they're too laid-back about flying. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
I was at an airport about a year ago. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
All the flights were cancelled, due to bad weather. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
But people were complaining. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
Why are you complaining? | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
Surely far worse would be if you turn up at the airport | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
and your flight is the only one that ISN'T cancelled. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
You turn up, they go, | 0:25:34 | 0:25:35 | |
"easyJet, flight E4597 is going to have a go for it." | 0:25:35 | 0:25:39 | |
We fly at a slightly faster pace than usual, | 0:25:45 | 0:25:47 | |
and the shuttle bus will be taking off in five minutes. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:51 | |
You get on, the masks are already down. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
Do you want to see my passport? | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
You won't need that where you're going, mate. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
Do you have your dental records? | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
And they don't reassure you when you get on. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:06 | |
They do that announcement, | 0:26:06 | 0:26:07 | |
"Just so you know, we're about half an hour late taking off | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
"but, don't worry, I'll try and make up a bit of time in the air." | 0:26:10 | 0:26:13 | |
I don't want to hear that! I'm shitting myself enough as it is, | 0:26:13 | 0:26:17 | |
without the news you're going to be speeding! | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
Might as well just say, | 0:26:21 | 0:26:22 | |
"Just so you know, we're a couple of hours behind, but don't worry, | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
"I know a short cut across North Korean airspace. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
"Tell you what, who fancies a loop the loop? | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
"Fuck it, you only live once, don't you? | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
"I've seen the Red Devils do it. How difficult can it be?" | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
And the entertainment is not enough to distract you. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
The films, fine. The other options... | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
Who are these people on planes | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
watching these single episodes of serial dramas? | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
Oh, series 5, episode 16 of Dexter. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
Brilliant! That's exactly where I've got to in my box set. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
I'll just go, "Well, I've missed the first 5 series and 15 episodes, | 0:27:04 | 0:27:08 | |
"I'm sure I'll catch up." | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
This was the worst. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:11 | |
I got on the other day... You will not believe this. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
One of the options, genuinely - | 0:27:14 | 0:27:15 | |
series one, episode one of Lost. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
The plane crash drama! | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
What are the other options? The Buddy Holly Story? | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
It's unbelievable! | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
That's still better than your other option, isn't it? | 0:27:33 | 0:27:35 | |
Watching that computerised map of your journey. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
Who is that for? No, I'm not really into films. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
No, I think I'll just watch the satnav for the next six hours. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
You know what I'm talking about? | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
It's got a dot where you're coming from, a dot where you're going | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
and a picture of a plane and you turn it on and go, | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
"I knew that information." | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
I've never turned it on and gone, "Oh, fuck, I'm on the wrong plane. | 0:27:56 | 0:28:00 | |
"Well, thank God I checked. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:04 | |
"That could have been awkward, couldn't it?" | 0:28:04 | 0:28:06 | |
Also, why do I need to know how far I am on my route? | 0:28:06 | 0:28:09 | |
I'll tell you when I'll get off - when I fucking land. | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
Oh, look, I'm going over my house. I'll jump out here. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
Also, that plane - that's not to scale, is it? | 0:28:19 | 0:28:22 | |
It's absolutely massive! | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 | |
I flew from London to Aberdeen the other day, | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
turned it on and all I could see was plane. | 0:28:30 | 0:28:33 | |
If I walk down to the cockpit, I'm going to be there. | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
There's always pointless statistics underneath. | 0:28:43 | 0:28:45 | |
Outside temperature, -40 degrees. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
Give a shit! I'm in here! | 0:28:47 | 0:28:50 | |
Oh, thank God I checked. I was going to nip out for a fag. | 0:28:51 | 0:28:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:54 | 0:28:57 | |
I'd better put my parka on before I go wing-walking, yeah? | 0:28:58 | 0:29:01 | |
And then they turn the entertainment off as you're coming into land. | 0:29:05 | 0:29:08 | |
Why do you do that? "It's half an hour from landing, | 0:29:08 | 0:29:10 | |
"we've got to turn the entertainment off." | 0:29:10 | 0:29:12 | |
Why? Sorry, it's a video player. | 0:29:12 | 0:29:14 | |
I refuse to accept that the technology interferes. | 0:29:14 | 0:29:17 | |
"I'm afraid we're going to have to turn it off cos it turns out | 0:29:17 | 0:29:20 | |
"the pause button is also the one that brings the wheels up and down." | 0:29:20 | 0:29:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:29:23 | 0:29:26 | |
I tell you what happened the other day. | 0:29:28 | 0:29:30 | |
We were coming into land, someone pressed fast forward, | 0:29:30 | 0:29:32 | |
and we only took off again. | 0:29:32 | 0:29:34 | |
I mean, what else could it be? Health and safety? | 0:29:39 | 0:29:42 | |
I asked the air hostess, "Why is it?" | 0:29:42 | 0:29:44 | |
She said, "It's health and safety." | 0:29:44 | 0:29:46 | |
Sorry? That we're going to crash-land | 0:29:46 | 0:29:48 | |
and I fail to get off cos I'm enjoying Paddington too much? | 0:29:48 | 0:29:51 | |
So, that's why I got the sleeper train. | 0:29:58 | 0:30:00 | |
Have any of you here ever got a sleeper train? | 0:30:04 | 0:30:06 | |
AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT | 0:30:06 | 0:30:08 | |
I was worried about missing it cos it's the last train | 0:30:08 | 0:30:10 | |
out of Edinburgh. I got there an hour and a half early. | 0:30:10 | 0:30:13 | |
I don't know if you've ever tried killing an hour and a half | 0:30:13 | 0:30:16 | |
at Edinburgh Waverley station at around midnight. | 0:30:16 | 0:30:19 | |
There is very little to do. | 0:30:19 | 0:30:21 | |
I think I am the person in the world who has come the closest | 0:30:21 | 0:30:24 | |
at a station to paying 20p to weigh myself on those scales. | 0:30:24 | 0:30:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:30:28 | 0:30:31 | |
Who is using them? | 0:30:33 | 0:30:35 | |
Occasionally, I pay 20p to go to the toilet, if I'm desperate. | 0:30:35 | 0:30:38 | |
I've never been that desperate to know my own weight. | 0:30:38 | 0:30:41 | |
I mean, maybe if I'd paid for the toilet | 0:30:41 | 0:30:43 | |
and I wanted to check I've got my money's worth. | 0:30:43 | 0:30:45 | |
They've always got an absolutely massive dial, haven't they? | 0:30:49 | 0:30:52 | |
You've got to be confident that is going to be good news, | 0:30:52 | 0:30:54 | |
otherwise there's going to be someone on the opposite platform, | 0:30:54 | 0:30:57 | |
going, "Fucking hell, the Fat Controller's back in town." | 0:30:57 | 0:31:00 | |
It's like the Countdown Clock. | 0:31:03 | 0:31:05 | |
I don't want to find out like that. | 0:31:05 | 0:31:07 | |
# De-de-de-de-de-de. # Fat. I don't want to know! | 0:31:07 | 0:31:09 | |
What's it for? The harshest Weight Watchers meeting of all time? | 0:31:11 | 0:31:15 | |
When's the next meeting? | 0:31:15 | 0:31:17 | |
King's Cross St Pancras at rush hour, sir. | 0:31:17 | 0:31:19 | |
See if you eat a Peperami this week, you fat bastard. | 0:31:19 | 0:31:22 | |
I made the mistake, I didn't go with the scales. What I did, I upgraded. | 0:31:27 | 0:31:31 | |
I paid 50p to kill some time on the massage chair. | 0:31:31 | 0:31:36 | |
I don't know if you've used one of these. | 0:31:37 | 0:31:40 | |
I thought it would not just kill time, but relax me. | 0:31:40 | 0:31:43 | |
I put in my 50p, sat down, it started. | 0:31:43 | 0:31:46 | |
That's when I realised it's actually not that relaxing... | 0:31:46 | 0:31:50 | |
..to be sexually assaulted by a chair on a public thoroughfare. | 0:31:51 | 0:31:54 | |
It's pretty racy. At one point, | 0:31:55 | 0:31:57 | |
I thought it was going to ask for 50p for a happy finish. | 0:31:57 | 0:32:00 | |
It's going, right, and you're sat there, thinking, | 0:32:01 | 0:32:03 | |
"I couldn't look more sinister if I tried. | 0:32:03 | 0:32:06 | |
"Look at the grin on your face." | 0:32:06 | 0:32:08 | |
And then I looked up, realised they had placed this chair | 0:32:08 | 0:32:11 | |
opposite the exit to the women's toilets. | 0:32:11 | 0:32:14 | |
I mean, never have I looked more sinister in my life. | 0:32:17 | 0:32:20 | |
At one point, with the vibrations, I felt like we were moving forwards. | 0:32:20 | 0:32:23 | |
I thought, "If I end up in the women's toilets, | 0:32:23 | 0:32:25 | |
"I am not going to be able to explain this to the police." | 0:32:25 | 0:32:28 | |
Well, I did kill an hour and a half, but it was in custody. | 0:32:30 | 0:32:33 | |
So, I got the sleeper train. | 0:32:36 | 0:32:38 | |
Do not, if you get a sleeper train, travel alone. | 0:32:38 | 0:32:41 | |
That was a mistake. Cos what happens was... | 0:32:41 | 0:32:43 | |
This was the most absurd question I've been asked all year. | 0:32:43 | 0:32:46 | |
I went to buy the ticket and he said, "It'll be this much." | 0:32:46 | 0:32:48 | |
And then this was the question he asked. | 0:32:48 | 0:32:50 | |
He said, "It'll be this much, | 0:32:50 | 0:32:53 | |
"or would you like to save £20 | 0:32:53 | 0:32:56 | |
"and share a compartment with a stranger?" | 0:32:56 | 0:33:00 | |
No... | 0:33:02 | 0:33:04 | |
I would pay my life savings to avoid such a fate. | 0:33:04 | 0:33:07 | |
Because the best case scenario there, | 0:33:10 | 0:33:12 | |
is I'm asleep when he kills me. | 0:33:12 | 0:33:14 | |
You might say no-one's ever murdered on a train. Have you seen Poirot? | 0:33:17 | 0:33:20 | |
It's happening all the time! | 0:33:20 | 0:33:22 | |
I mean, that is not an acceptable offer. | 0:33:23 | 0:33:25 | |
I've never had that in a hotel. | 0:33:25 | 0:33:27 | |
I've never got to the reception of a hotel, | 0:33:29 | 0:33:31 | |
"There's your room, but I can knock off 20 quid | 0:33:31 | 0:33:33 | |
"if you want to jump in with Lenny Henry." | 0:33:33 | 0:33:35 | |
I think I'll leave it, if it's all the same with you. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:40 | |
One of the options he said, "It's got lockable doors." | 0:33:42 | 0:33:45 | |
That is of no use if he's already in there with me. | 0:33:45 | 0:33:48 | |
All I've got now is a cellmate. | 0:33:49 | 0:33:51 | |
I've had some bad sleeps recently. | 0:33:53 | 0:33:55 | |
I slept on a single bed for the first time in ages recently. | 0:33:55 | 0:33:58 | |
Have you tried this as an adult? | 0:33:58 | 0:34:00 | |
Were they always that thin? | 0:34:00 | 0:34:02 | |
Sleeping on a bed? It's more like balancing on a log! | 0:34:03 | 0:34:06 | |
I felt like I was working on my core strength to stay on. | 0:34:08 | 0:34:11 | |
"Have you been working out?" | 0:34:11 | 0:34:12 | |
No, I've been sleeping on a single bed. I'm fucking ripped, mate. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:16 | |
It's like eight hours of Pilates every night. | 0:34:16 | 0:34:18 | |
Is that why people are so muscly when they get out of prison? | 0:34:20 | 0:34:23 | |
They said, "You can push it next to the wall. Will that help?" | 0:34:25 | 0:34:28 | |
I said, "No, cos then the best case scenario | 0:34:28 | 0:34:31 | |
"is I roll over and hit a wall." | 0:34:31 | 0:34:34 | |
"You slept in." | 0:34:34 | 0:34:35 | |
Well, at 8am, I turned over and knocked myself out. | 0:34:35 | 0:34:38 | |
Also, they don't need to make the duvet small as well. | 0:34:38 | 0:34:41 | |
It's the size of flannel. | 0:34:41 | 0:34:43 | |
"Were you warm?" | 0:34:43 | 0:34:45 | |
My knee was! | 0:34:45 | 0:34:47 | |
I felt like I was in Sylvanian Families! | 0:34:48 | 0:34:51 | |
I was just using it to preserve my modesty, like Adam and Eve. | 0:34:53 | 0:34:57 | |
We've all had bad sleeps. | 0:34:59 | 0:35:00 | |
I know you've all had the one where you're tricked. | 0:35:00 | 0:35:03 | |
You go to a friend's, they say, "Have another couple of drinks, | 0:35:03 | 0:35:05 | |
"we've got a spare bed." One in the morning, | 0:35:05 | 0:35:07 | |
"we'll just go and fetch you the air bed." What? | 0:35:07 | 0:35:09 | |
"You're all right on an air bed, aren't you?" | 0:35:09 | 0:35:11 | |
No, cos this isn't the outback! | 0:35:11 | 0:35:14 | |
I'm not sleeping on an air bed | 0:35:14 | 0:35:16 | |
cos I'm not George Michael at Club Tropicana. | 0:35:16 | 0:35:19 | |
They bring it down and you're stood there for two hours. | 0:35:20 | 0:35:22 | |
"Are you all right?" No, I'm waking up. | 0:35:22 | 0:35:24 | |
I feel like Michael Flatley in training. | 0:35:24 | 0:35:27 | |
I've never got the guts to pump it up to the top so, in the end, | 0:35:29 | 0:35:32 | |
I am lying hard on the floor, while two bits of air bed | 0:35:32 | 0:35:35 | |
sandwich around me, like I'm the sausage in a hot dog. | 0:35:35 | 0:35:39 | |
Oh, my God, have you done the couple on an air bed? | 0:35:43 | 0:35:46 | |
That's a tense night, isn't it? | 0:35:46 | 0:35:48 | |
Get a point of balance, do not move a muscle. | 0:35:48 | 0:35:51 | |
One of you breathes out, you both roll into the middle. | 0:35:52 | 0:35:56 | |
Oh, I tell you the other one I hate. | 0:36:00 | 0:36:02 | |
You go to a hotel, you ask for a double bed, | 0:36:02 | 0:36:03 | |
they've clearly pushed two singles together. | 0:36:03 | 0:36:06 | |
You can feel the crack of doom. | 0:36:06 | 0:36:08 | |
You're just lying there on the edge of your bed, going, | 0:36:08 | 0:36:11 | |
"Please don't let me roll into the crack in the middle of the night | 0:36:11 | 0:36:14 | |
"and be swallowed by my own bed." | 0:36:14 | 0:36:16 | |
Lenny Henry lying there... | 0:36:16 | 0:36:19 | |
Where did he go? I'm not paying full price, he was here! | 0:36:19 | 0:36:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:36:23 | 0:36:25 | |
I've got a double bed. It might be a queen size, it might be a king size. | 0:36:29 | 0:36:34 | |
No-one knows, do they? | 0:36:34 | 0:36:36 | |
All you know is your bed is one bigger | 0:36:36 | 0:36:38 | |
than the sheet you just bought. | 0:36:38 | 0:36:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:36:41 | 0:36:43 | |
You'll try and fit it on though, won't you? "I can do this." | 0:36:45 | 0:36:48 | |
Till after about an hour, when you go, | 0:36:48 | 0:36:50 | |
"Well, I don't need a sheet on all four corners of my bed, do I? | 0:36:50 | 0:36:53 | |
"I'll just go for three and then the world's most powerful catapult." | 0:36:53 | 0:36:58 | |
Four in the morning, thrust into the wall at 80mph. | 0:37:00 | 0:37:04 | |
-What's your name, sir? -Dan. -Dan. | 0:37:06 | 0:37:09 | |
-What bed have you got, Dan? -A double bed. -Just a double bed. | 0:37:09 | 0:37:12 | |
What did you have when you were a kid, as a bed? | 0:37:12 | 0:37:14 | |
-Single bed. -Single bed. Just a classic single? -Yeah. | 0:37:14 | 0:37:18 | |
No bells or whistles. I'd have killed for that, mate. | 0:37:18 | 0:37:21 | |
Do you know what I had? I'll tell you. | 0:37:21 | 0:37:24 | |
Cos otherwise it would be an awful question to ask you. | 0:37:24 | 0:37:26 | |
I had a thing called a cabin bed. | 0:37:26 | 0:37:29 | |
If you don't know what a cabin bed is, Dan, I'll explain it to you. | 0:37:29 | 0:37:32 | |
What it was, it was the height of a bunk bed but, below it, | 0:37:32 | 0:37:36 | |
instead of another bed, I had a desk. | 0:37:36 | 0:37:38 | |
Basically, my parents had made the executive decision | 0:37:38 | 0:37:42 | |
that I was more likely to write a letter than have a friend. | 0:37:42 | 0:37:45 | |
People would come round. "Can I say over?" | 0:37:55 | 0:37:57 | |
No, but you can catch up on your admin. | 0:37:57 | 0:37:59 | |
What seven-year-old needs quick access to a desk | 0:38:01 | 0:38:04 | |
in the middle of the night? | 0:38:04 | 0:38:05 | |
Wake up at three in the morning. I need to pen my memoirs. | 0:38:05 | 0:38:09 | |
I'll just climb down the most painful ladder in the world. | 0:38:10 | 0:38:14 | |
Oh, my God, the pain of that bunk bed ladder! | 0:38:14 | 0:38:16 | |
There was nothing like it, was there? | 0:38:16 | 0:38:18 | |
"Do you want to go to bed?" No, I prefer to keep my feet. | 0:38:18 | 0:38:21 | |
It was like a biblical punishment. | 0:38:23 | 0:38:25 | |
You shouldn't have to put your shoes on to go to bed. | 0:38:25 | 0:38:28 | |
Sometimes my parents would come up, I'd just be asleep on the desk. | 0:38:31 | 0:38:35 | |
"He's working late, isn't he?" | 0:38:36 | 0:38:38 | |
Those memoirs aren't going to pen themselves. | 0:38:38 | 0:38:41 | |
I did have a cabin bed. | 0:38:45 | 0:38:47 | |
I tell you how my mum tried to convince me | 0:38:47 | 0:38:50 | |
that it was a good thing to have a cabin bed. This is what she said. | 0:38:50 | 0:38:53 | |
She said, "Actually, Josh, you should be really pleased | 0:38:53 | 0:38:57 | |
"you've got a cabin bed cos, actually, it's a very grown-up bed." | 0:38:57 | 0:39:01 | |
Now, I'm a grown-up now. That is not the case, is it? | 0:39:05 | 0:39:10 | |
I don't know if there's any single women here | 0:39:11 | 0:39:13 | |
but, if you went back to a guy's house... | 0:39:13 | 0:39:15 | |
..and things were going pretty well | 0:39:19 | 0:39:22 | |
and he went, "Do you want to come through to my bedroom? | 0:39:22 | 0:39:25 | |
"Put your shoes back on." | 0:39:25 | 0:39:27 | |
Got myself a mover and a shaker here, haven't I? | 0:39:29 | 0:39:32 | |
He works hard and he plays hard! | 0:39:32 | 0:39:34 | |
I wasn't a cool child, I'll admit that. | 0:39:37 | 0:39:40 | |
Is there anyone here who is under 16? | 0:39:40 | 0:39:42 | |
You, first row. | 0:39:42 | 0:39:44 | |
-What's your name? -Phoebe. -I'll tell you what, Phoebe. | 0:39:44 | 0:39:47 | |
I'll test who was the cooler teenager, me or you. | 0:39:47 | 0:39:50 | |
It's very simple. I'm just going to ask you a yes/no question. | 0:39:50 | 0:39:54 | |
-You OK with that? -Yeah. -OK, here's the question. It's very simple. | 0:39:54 | 0:39:58 | |
This is to judge who was the cooler kid, me or you. | 0:39:58 | 0:40:01 | |
When you were ten... | 0:40:02 | 0:40:04 | |
..did you have your own Filofax? | 0:40:05 | 0:40:07 | |
I bet you don't even know what a Filofax is, do you? | 0:40:10 | 0:40:13 | |
Imagine the calendar section of your iPhone in a ring binder. | 0:40:13 | 0:40:17 | |
If you haven't got an iPhone... I've got an iPhone. | 0:40:20 | 0:40:23 | |
It's not actually the worst phone... | 0:40:23 | 0:40:25 | |
It annoys me but it's not the worst phone I've got. I've got a landline. | 0:40:25 | 0:40:28 | |
My girlfriend bought us a phone for our landline. | 0:40:28 | 0:40:31 | |
She went out and she bought one of those retro turny phones. | 0:40:31 | 0:40:34 | |
Have you tried making a call on one of these? | 0:40:34 | 0:40:37 | |
You phone someone with a nine in their number, | 0:40:37 | 0:40:40 | |
it's quicker walking to their house. | 0:40:40 | 0:40:41 | |
I mean, if we get burgled, you go, "999, are you kidding me?" | 0:40:44 | 0:40:47 | |
I'd like to report a burglary. "When did it happen?" | 0:40:47 | 0:40:50 | |
Six months ago | 0:40:50 | 0:40:52 | |
when I started making this call. | 0:40:52 | 0:40:54 | |
"What have they taken?" | 0:40:54 | 0:40:56 | |
Everything except my shit phone. | 0:40:56 | 0:40:58 | |
She bought it at a charity shop. A charity shop? | 0:41:02 | 0:41:04 | |
Think about how a phone ends up in a charity shop. Think about it. | 0:41:04 | 0:41:07 | |
We own a dead man's phone. | 0:41:07 | 0:41:09 | |
Do you know the last number dialled on our phone? | 0:41:09 | 0:41:12 | |
99. That is the last number dialled on our phone. | 0:41:12 | 0:41:15 | |
Sorry, Phoebe, I digress. | 0:41:18 | 0:41:21 | |
The question is a simple yes or no. | 0:41:21 | 0:41:22 | |
Did you have a Filofax when you were ten? | 0:41:22 | 0:41:25 | |
-No. -No, you win, Phoebe. | 0:41:25 | 0:41:28 | |
I'll admit it. I had a Filofax. | 0:41:28 | 0:41:30 | |
I want you to believe me at this point, Phoebe, | 0:41:30 | 0:41:32 | |
so I brought it with me as proof. | 0:41:32 | 0:41:34 | |
Here it is. This is my Fun Fax. There it is. | 0:41:34 | 0:41:37 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:41:37 | 0:41:40 | |
-Got a higher reception than -I -did at the top! | 0:41:40 | 0:41:43 | |
There it is. I don't know why I had this. | 0:41:43 | 0:41:45 | |
I don't know how I thought this was going to help me | 0:41:45 | 0:41:48 | |
in my day-to-day life. | 0:41:48 | 0:41:49 | |
How I imagined my day would go - | 0:41:49 | 0:41:51 | |
wake up, put my shoes on, | 0:41:51 | 0:41:53 | |
go down my ladder... | 0:41:53 | 0:41:55 | |
Check my Filofax. Have I got any meetings? No. | 0:41:59 | 0:42:02 | |
Because I'm ten. | 0:42:03 | 0:42:05 | |
In fact, I've got a lot fewer social engagements | 0:42:07 | 0:42:09 | |
since I started walking round the playground with my own Filofax. | 0:42:09 | 0:42:13 | |
Oh, well, I'll just put my Fun Fax away | 0:42:17 | 0:42:19 | |
and read my broadsheet newspaper, the Funday Times, | 0:42:19 | 0:42:21 | |
cos, clearly, if you put the word "fun" in front of anything | 0:42:21 | 0:42:24 | |
when I was a kid, I'd have loved it. | 0:42:24 | 0:42:26 | |
I've got a fungal nail infection. Brilliant! | 0:42:26 | 0:42:29 | |
I got my dad to send me this. It's a weird old thing, actually. | 0:42:33 | 0:42:37 | |
You've got the diary here, all the dates for your diary. | 0:42:37 | 0:42:40 | |
They've marked in important dates for you to learn. | 0:42:40 | 0:42:43 | |
So, July here, we've got... | 0:42:43 | 0:42:45 | |
So, July 4th, Declaration of Independence, | 0:42:45 | 0:42:47 | |
July 20th, Neil Armstrong becomes the first man on the moon. | 0:42:47 | 0:42:51 | |
I would question how few important days they could find for September. | 0:42:51 | 0:42:55 | |
Just one date for your diary. September 1st, | 0:42:55 | 0:42:59 | |
Gloria Estefan's birthday. | 0:42:59 | 0:43:01 | |
Was that a bigger cultural event than I remember? | 0:43:05 | 0:43:08 | |
"Can you come out tonight, Josh?" | 0:43:08 | 0:43:09 | |
No, I'm afraid it's Gloria Estefan's birthday. | 0:43:09 | 0:43:12 | |
We're having our annual family meal. | 0:43:12 | 0:43:14 | |
It's Estefanmas at my house, Oh, yeah. | 0:43:15 | 0:43:18 | |
"What about tomorrow?" | 0:43:18 | 0:43:19 | |
No, I'm afraid it's Cyndi Lauper's baptism. It's quite the week. | 0:43:19 | 0:43:22 | |
This is my favourite section - Amazing Fun Facts. | 0:43:26 | 0:43:29 | |
You can learn things. | 0:43:29 | 0:43:31 | |
For instance, the first one is, "Cats use whiskers | 0:43:31 | 0:43:34 | |
"to judge whether they can fit through gaps." | 0:43:34 | 0:43:36 | |
Though I would question this, | 0:43:36 | 0:43:38 | |
cos I've never actually seen it in action. I've never seen a cat... | 0:43:38 | 0:43:42 | |
No, I'm going to leave it, if it's all the same with you. | 0:43:46 | 0:43:49 | |
Although to be fair, I've never seen a cat with its head in railings | 0:43:49 | 0:43:51 | |
going, "Fucking hell, those whiskers didn't work, did they?" | 0:43:51 | 0:43:54 | |
This is the weird bit, though, the Fun Facts, right, | 0:43:58 | 0:44:00 | |
cos it gets slightly sexist. | 0:44:00 | 0:44:02 | |
Jane Austen here, she is described, not as an author, | 0:44:02 | 0:44:05 | |
but as an authoress, | 0:44:05 | 0:44:07 | |
so they can go, "Yeah, she's an author, but she's a fucking woman." | 0:44:07 | 0:44:11 | |
As if the word "Jane" hadn't given it away in the first place. | 0:44:11 | 0:44:15 | |
And you might say I'm jumping to conclusions. | 0:44:15 | 0:44:17 | |
I'm just going to read you one fact from the Amazing Fun Facts | 0:44:17 | 0:44:20 | |
and you can judge for yourself whether you think | 0:44:20 | 0:44:23 | |
they were promoting a sexist message to children. Here it is. | 0:44:23 | 0:44:26 | |
The fact is, | 0:44:26 | 0:44:27 | |
"The word 'bride' comes from an old German word | 0:44:27 | 0:44:31 | |
"meaning to 'cook'." | 0:44:31 | 0:44:33 | |
And the title they've given that fact is, | 0:44:34 | 0:44:37 | |
"She knows what's expected of her." | 0:44:37 | 0:44:39 | |
I mean, I don't know what shit | 0:44:41 | 0:44:43 | |
the guy that was writing the Fun Facts was going through at the time. | 0:44:43 | 0:44:46 | |
Have you got any more facts, Steve? | 0:44:46 | 0:44:48 | |
Yeah, one in three women are cheating bitches | 0:44:48 | 0:44:51 | |
that will rip out your heart as soon as look at you. | 0:44:51 | 0:44:54 | |
Steve, you've got to move on. The relationship's over. | 0:44:54 | 0:44:58 | |
Gloria Estefan has left you, mate. | 0:44:58 | 0:45:00 | |
You've got a children's Filofax to write, man. | 0:45:02 | 0:45:04 | |
I shouldn't really make jokes about break-ups. | 0:45:07 | 0:45:09 | |
We all know going through a break-up is the hardest thing in the world. | 0:45:09 | 0:45:12 | |
Actually, the second hardest thing in the world. | 0:45:12 | 0:45:14 | |
We all know the hardest thing in the world | 0:45:14 | 0:45:16 | |
and that is picking a CD up off a laminate floor. | 0:45:16 | 0:45:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:45:19 | 0:45:21 | |
That's tough, isn't it? Drop a CD. | 0:45:24 | 0:45:25 | |
Well, that's four hours of my life gone. | 0:45:25 | 0:45:27 | |
Chase it around like it's air hockey. | 0:45:27 | 0:45:29 | |
I'm never going to get my fingernails under it. | 0:45:29 | 0:45:32 | |
If we sell the house, I'm going to have to make it a feature. | 0:45:32 | 0:45:34 | |
Come in. We've got a microwave, a fridge freezer, | 0:45:34 | 0:45:37 | |
that's Urban Hymns by The Verve. | 0:45:37 | 0:45:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:45:39 | 0:45:41 | |
How am I meant to pick it up, a plunger? I don't own a plunger. | 0:45:42 | 0:45:45 | |
I'm not going to call out a plumber. | 0:45:45 | 0:45:47 | |
You all right, mate? What's the job? | 0:45:47 | 0:45:49 | |
Pick that up, will you? | 0:45:49 | 0:45:50 | |
Why do you recognise me? | 0:45:50 | 0:45:52 | |
I flooded my landing just two weeks ago. | 0:45:52 | 0:45:54 | |
The reason I've got this, | 0:45:57 | 0:45:59 | |
I wanted to prove to you that that is what my childhood was like, | 0:45:59 | 0:46:03 | |
growing up in Devon in the '90s, | 0:46:03 | 0:46:04 | |
cos the last bit, I'm going to talk about that. | 0:46:04 | 0:46:07 | |
And it sounds absurd when I talk about what it was like | 0:46:07 | 0:46:10 | |
growing up in Dartmoor, just 20 years ago. | 0:46:10 | 0:46:12 | |
Yet all of this is true. I had a Fun Fax. | 0:46:12 | 0:46:15 | |
That was a cool thing in those days. I'll just give you an idea. | 0:46:15 | 0:46:18 | |
How many kids have you got in your year at school, Phoebe? | 0:46:18 | 0:46:21 | |
-Um...100. -100. | 0:46:21 | 0:46:22 | |
Do you know how many kids I had in my year at primary school? | 0:46:22 | 0:46:25 | |
Four. | 0:46:25 | 0:46:27 | |
There was a five-a-side football tournament we couldn't enter. | 0:46:27 | 0:46:30 | |
We genuinely had one thing in our playground - | 0:46:32 | 0:46:34 | |
a tyre, like a monkey enclosure. | 0:46:34 | 0:46:37 | |
Not even on a rope, just lying there, | 0:46:37 | 0:46:40 | |
as if there'd been a car crash and it had bounced over | 0:46:40 | 0:46:43 | |
and they'd gone, "Fuck it, they'll enjoy it." | 0:46:43 | 0:46:45 | |
We genuinely, no word of a lie, had a lesson, once a week, | 0:46:45 | 0:46:49 | |
where we listened to the radio. | 0:46:49 | 0:46:51 | |
Like evacuees, waiting for news from the front. | 0:46:53 | 0:46:56 | |
I don't remember what the show was. I imagine it was educational. | 0:46:57 | 0:47:00 | |
It wasn't just the teacher going, "Sod this, I'm off for a fag. | 0:47:00 | 0:47:03 | |
"Here's Steve Wright. Enjoy yourself, losers. | 0:47:03 | 0:47:05 | |
"Let's hope these factoids come up in the exam." | 0:47:05 | 0:47:09 | |
So, I question these things, growing up, whether they were real. | 0:47:10 | 0:47:13 | |
Harvest festivals. Did you have that? | 0:47:13 | 0:47:15 | |
Once a year, at the time of the harvest, | 0:47:15 | 0:47:18 | |
we'd bring in tins of food that we'd give to the local old people. | 0:47:18 | 0:47:22 | |
Basically, we'd celebrate the harvest by giving old people | 0:47:22 | 0:47:25 | |
food that was going to last longer than they did. | 0:47:25 | 0:47:28 | |
Here you go. Enjoy that, if I was you, quickly. | 0:47:30 | 0:47:32 | |
Always things that had nothing to do with the harvest. | 0:47:32 | 0:47:35 | |
Who has ever harvested Spam? | 0:47:35 | 0:47:37 | |
What did we think was growing in fields? | 0:47:39 | 0:47:41 | |
That field, that's Angel Delight, | 0:47:41 | 0:47:44 | |
and that one is Cheese Strings, pick your own. | 0:47:44 | 0:47:46 | |
We'd look forward to anything. | 0:47:48 | 0:47:49 | |
We'd look forward to mufti day, non-uniform day. | 0:47:49 | 0:47:51 | |
We loved that. We loved it cos we were excited. | 0:47:51 | 0:47:55 | |
But why were we excited? | 0:47:55 | 0:47:56 | |
How exciting is wearing your own clothes? | 0:47:56 | 0:47:59 | |
I never sat at home, going, "Fucking brilliant time." | 0:47:59 | 0:48:01 | |
What am I up to? Wearing my own clothes. | 0:48:01 | 0:48:04 | |
Hey, Steve, do you want to come round and wear your own clothes? | 0:48:04 | 0:48:08 | |
It IS a weird question, isn't it? | 0:48:08 | 0:48:10 | |
But we loved it cos we knew someone was going to forget. | 0:48:10 | 0:48:14 | |
Oh, yeah! | 0:48:14 | 0:48:15 | |
He'd take his tie off. You are fooling no-one, my friend. | 0:48:15 | 0:48:19 | |
My teacher would go, "It's like a fashion show, isn't it?" | 0:48:21 | 0:48:23 | |
No, it's not. It's far more brutal. | 0:48:23 | 0:48:25 | |
Cos, never at a fashion show, is David Gandy chased around | 0:48:25 | 0:48:29 | |
while everyone else attempts to rip off his Adidas popper trousers. | 0:48:29 | 0:48:32 | |
I would say, if you're wearing quick-release trousers | 0:48:34 | 0:48:36 | |
to a mufti day, you are your own worst enemy. | 0:48:36 | 0:48:38 | |
You make it to registration and you're not in your pants, | 0:48:38 | 0:48:41 | |
consider that a victory. | 0:48:41 | 0:48:43 | |
The biggest mistake I ever made, I'll admit this. | 0:48:43 | 0:48:46 | |
I wore swimming shorts. I thought they were normal shorts. | 0:48:46 | 0:48:49 | |
People said, "Why have they got the netting pants inside?" | 0:48:49 | 0:48:53 | |
I don't even know why they've got | 0:48:53 | 0:48:54 | |
the netting pants in swimming shorts. You don't need them. | 0:48:54 | 0:48:57 | |
It wouldn't be an issue. You wouldn't get to swim and go, | 0:48:57 | 0:49:00 | |
"Sorry, I can't go in, cos I've forgotten my netting pants. | 0:49:00 | 0:49:03 | |
"But I've got a bag of tangerines. I could make do and mend." | 0:49:03 | 0:49:06 | |
I'm going into the sea. | 0:49:08 | 0:49:10 | |
I know what happens when you take netting into the sea. | 0:49:10 | 0:49:12 | |
I don't want to do that. I'm swimming, not dredging for mackerel. | 0:49:12 | 0:49:16 | |
"How was the swim?" | 0:49:16 | 0:49:18 | |
Put it this way, fire up the barbecue | 0:49:18 | 0:49:20 | |
and dinner will be served. | 0:49:20 | 0:49:22 | |
We didn't even learn anything good. | 0:49:24 | 0:49:26 | |
Art class, I wanted to learn to draw. | 0:49:26 | 0:49:28 | |
The only tip I remember learning from art class - | 0:49:28 | 0:49:30 | |
when drawing a face, always remember the eyes are exactly halfway down. | 0:49:30 | 0:49:35 | |
No, they're not. | 0:49:35 | 0:49:37 | |
Have you seen a face? | 0:49:37 | 0:49:39 | |
Oh, yeah, of course my eyes are halfway down. | 0:49:39 | 0:49:42 | |
That's why I wear my glasses under my ears. | 0:49:42 | 0:49:45 | |
What does he look like? | 0:49:45 | 0:49:47 | |
Normal bloke, 50% forehead. | 0:49:47 | 0:49:49 | |
The only way that tip is of any use is if the question in the exam | 0:49:51 | 0:49:54 | |
is draw Ant from Ant and Dec. | 0:49:54 | 0:49:56 | |
Science, the only thing I learnt in science | 0:49:59 | 0:50:01 | |
was how to use a Bunsen burner. | 0:50:01 | 0:50:03 | |
Not a skill I've needed in later life. | 0:50:03 | 0:50:05 | |
Never did someone come round... | 0:50:05 | 0:50:06 | |
Do you want a cup of tea? I'll just pop on the Bunsen burner. | 0:50:06 | 0:50:09 | |
Blue flame, I'm not an idiot. | 0:50:09 | 0:50:11 | |
Only one use for orange flame, wasn't there? | 0:50:13 | 0:50:16 | |
HE BLOWS | 0:50:16 | 0:50:17 | |
Oh, that just happened. Your eyes aren't deceiving you. | 0:50:17 | 0:50:21 | |
Never see one as an adult. Never outside a pub, | 0:50:21 | 0:50:24 | |
"Have you got a light?" Yeah, have you got a gas tap? | 0:50:24 | 0:50:26 | |
Also, what is going on with health and safety in schools? | 0:50:28 | 0:50:31 | |
I'm not allowed a conker in the playground | 0:50:31 | 0:50:33 | |
but I am allowed a flame-thrower in the classroom? | 0:50:33 | 0:50:36 | |
The only other piece of equipment we ever used in science was, | 0:50:37 | 0:50:40 | |
once a week, we'd be dispatched to the car park | 0:50:40 | 0:50:43 | |
with a wheel on a stick. | 0:50:43 | 0:50:44 | |
A trundle wheel. | 0:50:44 | 0:50:47 | |
We'd just walk around for hours, just clicking. | 0:50:47 | 0:50:50 | |
I don't know what I'm learning here. | 0:50:50 | 0:50:52 | |
Is this going to come up in the exam? | 0:50:52 | 0:50:55 | |
Question one, explain photosynthesis. | 0:50:55 | 0:50:58 | |
Question two, how big is the car park... | 0:50:58 | 0:51:01 | |
..to the nearest ten clicks? | 0:51:02 | 0:51:04 | |
That's why the best day in science, the best day in all of school, | 0:51:04 | 0:51:07 | |
was when they go, "And today, we're going to watch the television." | 0:51:07 | 0:51:10 | |
Brilliant, like at home. No, not like at home, | 0:51:10 | 0:51:12 | |
cos this TV show will be shit. | 0:51:12 | 0:51:14 | |
But they'd build up the excitement, the teacher, | 0:51:14 | 0:51:17 | |
by leaving the room and then slowly wheeling the TV back in, | 0:51:17 | 0:51:22 | |
like it was the Queen. | 0:51:22 | 0:51:25 | |
All hail the television! | 0:51:26 | 0:51:28 | |
And then they'd fail to make it work for 20 minutes | 0:51:28 | 0:51:32 | |
and wheel it back out... | 0:51:32 | 0:51:34 | |
..and bring out the trundle wheels. | 0:51:35 | 0:51:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:51:37 | 0:51:39 | |
That's how it worked, Phoebe. You've got to believe me on that. | 0:51:40 | 0:51:44 | |
Before I go, I should admit that I have told one lie. | 0:51:44 | 0:51:48 | |
I have told one lie about growing up. I should admit that before I go. | 0:51:48 | 0:51:52 | |
I should admit this is not my Fun Fax. I will admit that. | 0:51:52 | 0:51:55 | |
I did have a Fun Fax, but I phoned my dad. | 0:51:55 | 0:51:58 | |
I said, "Have you got my Fun Fax?" | 0:51:58 | 0:52:00 | |
He said, "No, we didn't think you'd want it. We threw it away." | 0:52:00 | 0:52:02 | |
I said, "I wish you'd done that 20 years ago, mate." | 0:52:02 | 0:52:05 | |
I had to go on Amazon Marketplace to get this. | 0:52:05 | 0:52:08 | |
They are now a collector's item. | 0:52:08 | 0:52:11 | |
I had to pay 40 quid for this! | 0:52:11 | 0:52:13 | |
I am now the only person in the UK who has bought a Fun Fax | 0:52:14 | 0:52:18 | |
and claimed it as a business expense. | 0:52:18 | 0:52:20 | |
The problem is, once you get it, | 0:52:26 | 0:52:28 | |
you start getting the "Amazon recommends" e-mails, don't you? | 0:52:28 | 0:52:31 | |
Before you know it, you get addicted to the fucking inserts. | 0:52:31 | 0:52:33 | |
Look at that! | 0:52:33 | 0:52:36 | |
Friendship bracelets, face painting, calculator fun. | 0:52:36 | 0:52:39 | |
Not one mention of the word BOOBS. | 0:52:39 | 0:52:42 | |
However, there is a bit where it says, | 0:52:44 | 0:52:46 | |
"Write in the numbers 37818, | 0:52:46 | 0:52:49 | |
"turn your calculator upside down. What have you got? | 0:52:49 | 0:52:51 | |
"The word 'BIBLE'." | 0:52:51 | 0:52:53 | |
That is NOT calculator fun! | 0:52:53 | 0:52:56 | |
Hey, guys, a bit of fun, the word of our Lord. Get involved. | 0:52:56 | 0:53:00 | |
A Beginner's Guide To First Aid. | 0:53:00 | 0:53:03 | |
I'm sorry, but if I broke my leg, | 0:53:03 | 0:53:05 | |
and a kid showed up and got this out, I would shit myself. | 0:53:05 | 0:53:08 | |
I suppose, I can only really end with something | 0:53:13 | 0:53:15 | |
from the Fun Fax's book of jokes - Jokes And More Jokes. | 0:53:15 | 0:53:19 | |
It seems appropriate. I tell you what, I'll pick a random page. | 0:53:19 | 0:53:23 | |
Dan, you can pick the joke number. | 0:53:23 | 0:53:25 | |
Page 42, that is. | 0:53:25 | 0:53:28 | |
That's "Udderly Hilarious Jokes". Jokes about cows. | 0:53:28 | 0:53:32 | |
I'll give you a practice joke, just so you can get a taste for them. | 0:53:33 | 0:53:36 | |
"What do you call a sleeping cow? | 0:53:36 | 0:53:38 | |
"A bulldozer." SMATTERING OF LAUGHTER | 0:53:38 | 0:53:41 | |
Right, a few of you enjoyed it. | 0:53:41 | 0:53:43 | |
The rest of you are going to need to get on board. | 0:53:43 | 0:53:46 | |
One, two, three, four, five. Dan, a joke from one to five. | 0:53:47 | 0:53:51 | |
-Three. -Three. OK, to finish the show... | 0:53:51 | 0:53:54 | |
..and the DVD, Dan. | 0:53:56 | 0:53:58 | |
An udderly hilarious joke from the Fun Fax's book of jokes, | 0:54:00 | 0:54:03 | |
Jokes And More Jokes. | 0:54:03 | 0:54:05 | |
One, two, three, right. | 0:54:05 | 0:54:07 | |
"What do you call a cow with no feelings? | 0:54:07 | 0:54:10 | |
"My ex-wife." | 0:54:10 | 0:54:12 | |
Way to ruin the DVD, Dan. | 0:54:22 | 0:54:25 | |
You've been absolutely lovely. Thank you very much. Goodnight! | 0:54:26 | 0:54:28 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:54:28 | 0:54:32 | |
I've got a few loose ends to tie up before I go, | 0:54:49 | 0:54:52 | |
I want to fill you in with. | 0:54:52 | 0:54:55 | |
Number one, I should say, this has been the elephant in the room, | 0:54:55 | 0:54:59 | |
I should deal with this. | 0:54:59 | 0:55:00 | |
I know that this year GQ produced their list | 0:55:02 | 0:55:04 | |
of the ten best and worst-dressed men in Britain. | 0:55:04 | 0:55:07 | |
-Was I on the best-dressed list? Of course, I f... AUDIENCE MEMBER: -No! | 0:55:09 | 0:55:12 | |
All right! | 0:55:12 | 0:55:14 | |
No, I wasn't. I was the second worst-dressed man in Britain, | 0:55:14 | 0:55:18 | |
according to GQ magazine. | 0:55:18 | 0:55:21 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:55:21 | 0:55:23 | |
BOOING | 0:55:23 | 0:55:26 | |
A picture of me in a flat cap. | 0:55:26 | 0:55:28 | |
I was going to the fucking gym, OK! | 0:55:28 | 0:55:30 | |
They described my style, genuinely, word for word, | 0:55:34 | 0:55:38 | |
as "an update on Bilbo Baggins". | 0:55:38 | 0:55:41 | |
He's not even a historical figure! | 0:55:43 | 0:55:46 | |
How could it be an update? | 0:55:46 | 0:55:48 | |
It was judged by... One of the judges was Giorgio Armani. | 0:55:50 | 0:55:55 | |
I didn't even know that was a real person! | 0:55:55 | 0:55:57 | |
I thought he was made up, like George at Asda. | 0:55:58 | 0:56:01 | |
Number one, any guesses? | 0:56:06 | 0:56:08 | |
Paul Hollywood. | 0:56:08 | 0:56:09 | |
Paul Hollywood. I met him a few months ago. Very nice man. | 0:56:12 | 0:56:14 | |
He came up to me and said, "Really, really unfair, isn't it, | 0:56:14 | 0:56:18 | |
us two being voted the two worst-dressed men in Britain?" | 0:56:18 | 0:56:21 | |
And I thought, "Well, ME, yeah. | 0:56:21 | 0:56:23 | |
"Have a look at yourself, mate, you're a state. | 0:56:24 | 0:56:27 | |
"You've got boot-cut jeans and your cuffs overturned. | 0:56:27 | 0:56:30 | |
"Also, while you're here, | 0:56:30 | 0:56:32 | |
"how much water do I need to put on a naan bread?" | 0:56:32 | 0:56:35 | |
I've got one more thing | 0:56:43 | 0:56:45 | |
I want to show you before I go. Give me one sec. | 0:56:45 | 0:56:47 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:56:55 | 0:56:59 | |
It's annoying that doesn't work. | 0:57:07 | 0:57:09 | |
It always gets a clap and a laugh, but you have to question, | 0:57:09 | 0:57:12 | |
was it worth bringing it on tour for 50 nights? | 0:57:12 | 0:57:15 | |
Particularly as I was travelling by train. | 0:57:17 | 0:57:19 | |
It was unbelievable! I had to put it on the seat next to me. | 0:57:19 | 0:57:22 | |
Jeremy Corbyn was fucking livid. | 0:57:22 | 0:57:24 | |
See, wait 90 minutes, you'll finally get one satirical joke. | 0:57:32 | 0:57:36 | |
Tell you what, Phoebe, I'll blow your mind one more time. | 0:57:39 | 0:57:41 | |
You're not going to believe this. Whoa, look at the depth of that! | 0:57:41 | 0:57:44 | |
Whoa! Do you know what's in there? | 0:57:46 | 0:57:48 | |
Me neither, but we don't need it any more, do we? | 0:57:48 | 0:57:50 | |
That's the thing about old TVs, wasn't it? | 0:57:53 | 0:57:55 | |
The screen was smaller but they were closer. | 0:57:55 | 0:57:57 | |
We brought this out in Exeter. We got three bids on it. | 0:58:01 | 0:58:05 | |
You have been absolutely lovely. | 0:58:07 | 0:58:09 | |
Can I just thank you all for coming | 0:58:09 | 0:58:11 | |
because it genuinely means the world to me? | 0:58:11 | 0:58:13 | |
Thank you so much for listening. It was a joy to play for you. | 0:58:17 | 0:58:20 | |
Thank you very much. Cheers, goodnight! | 0:58:20 | 0:58:22 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:58:22 | 0:58:25 |