Romesh Ranganathan: Irrational Live


Romesh Ranganathan: Irrational Live

The BBC's Asian Provocateur Romesh Ranganathan performs his debut live stand-up show, recorded in front of a sell-out audience at London's Hammersmith Apollo.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Ladies and gentlemen, please can you welcome to the stage,

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me, Romesh Ranganathan!

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This programme contains strong language.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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All right?

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Hello, Hammersmith Apollo, how are we?

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CHEERING

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The reason I'm asking, it's very nice to see you,

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you all seem very happy.

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Um... I sort of wonder how happy I am, you know?

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I discover things about myself, even now.

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I had an epiphany recently, in a Starbucks.

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Are there any fans of Starbucks in?

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SCATTERED CHEERS

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Who hates Starbucks? CHEERING

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Yeah, I know. I know... (RP ACCENT): "..they don't pay

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"their taxes, Romesh, they don't pay their taxes."

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-"I can't believe you'd even mention them." (OWN VOICE): That's

-why

-I drink there.

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That's why I drink there - I drink in Starbucks

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because I don't agree with the war on Syria, and I know that

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Starbucks aren't funding it cos they're not funding anything.

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All right? So...

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APPLAUSE

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I was in a Starbucks, I had my epiphany in a Starbucks,

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and I tell you what, I was annoyed because I was at a shared table.

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I'm at a shared table. We have to sit with other people.

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It's unacceptable, isn't it,

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that we have to sit with other people, with strangers, now?

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This is a thing that they do. They do it in restaurants, as well, like Wagamama's.

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Who's been in a Wagamama's recently?

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Yeah? Wagamama's is a shithole.

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It's a shithole, all right?

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And they get away with being a shithole because they tell you,

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"That's the way we do it at Wagamama's."

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"That's the way we do it at Wagamama's."

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I went in there, "Can I have a table for two, please?"

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"There's no table for two..."

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"..at Wagamama's, it's shared table, you sit with..." It's a restaurant

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where you don't get your own table, right?

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And God forbid you go there on your own!

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I went to eat there on my own, and they sat me at a trough for loners by the window, right?

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We were sat there like puppy dogs at a rescue centre, just...

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"You not get any friends either?" "Nah, mate."

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I could not believe it, man.

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When you go to a restaurant, you order your food,

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you eat your food, and then you go.

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Right? That's how a restaurant's supposed to work. Not at Wagamama's.

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Might not work out like that.

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Because at Wagamama's, they don't know

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when your food's going to be ready.

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I was at Wagamama's. I ordered my food.

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They said, "Just to let you know, at Wagamama's,

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"the food might not arrive all at the same time.

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"At Wagamama's, the food arrives when it's ready."

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Why?!

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What's the unknown variable here?

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Have you never cooked this shit before?

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Let me give you a little tip, Waga, or tell your mama,

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or whoever the fuck's got to find out about this...

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..try and remember how long it took you to make it the last time

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you cooked it.

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Subtract that from the time that you would like it to be ready,

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and then start cooking it then, you mouth-breather!

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Because what I don't want...

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APPLAUSE

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..what I don't want is to be having my starter when this prick's

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having his dessert because you can't co-ordinate two meals!

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We're just supposed to sit there, like, "Fingers crossed!"

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It's unbelievable, mate.

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I ordered my food, right... This is what happened.

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I ordered my food. The guy writes what I've ordered on my bit of paper.

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I order it, he writes it down there.

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I'm not the one that needs a reminder, mate!

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I think I can hold on to the information,

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just make sure it's on your notepad, knobhead.

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What do you think's going to happen?!

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You think you're going to come out and, "Who ordered the tofu noodles?"

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"Fuck knows!"

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"I thought we'd ordered the cocktail!"

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It's not just restaurants and cafes I find irritating.

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Cinema, I find annoying.

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I go to the cinema on my own a lot.

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I do go with my children from time to time,

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but I find it very frustrating...

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..going with my children, because they don't have a

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very discerning palate when it comes to watching films.

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They think everything's good,

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and I get frustrated that I can't talk to them...

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..about it. I went to watch Ice Age 4 with my son.

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It's a goddamn abomination. Right?

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I'm sitting there watching it, thinking, "I can't wait to talk to him about it."

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We get out the cinema, he goes to me, "That was brilliant, wasn't it, Daddy?"

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I'm like, "I can't talk to you, can I?"

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"Bright colours, loud noises, you're impressed. It was SHIT, bruv!"

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So, anyway, I go to the cinema on my own a lot.

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I go to the cinema on my own a lot, but I like children's films.

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Now...

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..going on your own to watch a children's film at the cinema

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is a very selfish thing to do, OK?

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Cos what you are basically doing is,

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you are ruining that experience for everybody else in the cinema.

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Because if you go with your kids to the cinema to watch a film

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and there's somebody that looks like me

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sat on their own in the theatre, you can't fully enjoy that film, right?

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Not if you're a good parent.

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If you're a good parent, you're 80% watching the film,

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20% checking to see if that guy starts wanking.

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Right? That's...

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..that's if you're a good parent.

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I've had three kids and I regret it, you know? I do regret it.

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It's too many, isn't it?

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Isn't it too many?

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Who's got more than two kids?

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Yeah? What a shitting error!

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But what can you do? You can't kill them.

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You just got to sit there and wait to die, like,

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"I can't believe we've done this."

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"We are never going to be happy.

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"I know, I don't know why we did it.

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"Well, it was your idea, it wasn't my idea.

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"I said, "I don't like condoms," that's very different."

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I don't know why we had the third one.

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I don't know...!

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I know why we had the second one, cos the first one's a legend.

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Oh, my God, what a kid.

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(IN RP ACCENT): "Hello, Daddy."

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"Love you, Daddy."

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"Can I get you some toast, Daddy?"

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(OWN VOICE): Oh, my God, love that boy. Mmm!

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When we just had him, I said to my wife, "Do you know what, darling?

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"I think we've mastered parenting.

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"Do you know what I think it is?

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"I think it's just about setting clear boundaries

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"and being consistent."

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The second one - feral, right?!

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I love him, but what a prick this kid is, man.

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Like, I love him, but I do not like him.

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Sometime I want him to get hurt.

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There you go, I said it, sometimes...

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..I want this prick to get hurt. And let me explain why.

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He doesn't listen to a word I say, this kid.

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Five-year-old boy, doesn't listen to anything I say.

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When we go out, he runs away.

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But not in, like, a cute, toddler way -

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he runs away like he's fleeing Isis.

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Just headed for the hills.

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People go, "Let's get you away from the bad man.

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"Don't worry, don't worry."

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And let's be honest, I don't look like I'm NOT in Isis, yeah?

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Sometimes I want him to get hurt, man.

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When I say to him, "Dude, don't do that...

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"..because if you do that, you're going to get hurt..."

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..and then he does it...

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..and he doesn't get hurt...

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..that pisses me off, right?

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Because that is...

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that is life telling him that I'm full of shit.

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That's what's happening, there.

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Trying to control these kids, man, it's hard.

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Who's got more than two?

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Who's got three?

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How many have you got, mate?

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Three. What's your name, madam?

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-Danielle.

-Danielle. Hello, Danielle, how are you?

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What have you got?

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-Two girls and a boy.

-Two girls and a boy.

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-Have you tried behaviour charts with your kids?

-Yep.

-Yeah?

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We're trying to do behaviour charts with our kids, right?

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It's where you get a chart, stick it up on the fridge...

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Well, you put it where you want, but...

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..ours is on the fridge. Every time your kid's good, they get a sticker.

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When they get enough stickers you buy them something

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because you're out of ideas.

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That's basically...

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You could, obviously...

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Obviously, you could promise some quality time, but...

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..what a massive ball ache that is!

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I don't see why I should reward my children's behaviour

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by punishing myself. It makes no sense.

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I'm not saying it's a punishment to spend time with my children,

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I'm saying it's a punishment to organise something.

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You know, you got to book the tickets, look at the...

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"Just have something plastic and fuck off," that's my strategy.

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That's what you're doing when you buy your kids a present, isn't it? "This is for you...

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"..to leave Mummy and Daddy alone for a long, long time.

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"If you get bored with the car, have a

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"look in the boot, there's a little sedative."

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And so, anyway... We're doing the behaviour charts.

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We're setting our kids targets, right?

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We're setting them school-based targets.

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My eldest has been at school for a while, the second one has just started, right?

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Before... I think that school is the first point at which

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I sort of care about what my kids are up to when they're not at home.

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What I mean by that is, when my eldest son was at nursery,

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I'd go to pick him up and the girl there would go, "Great day today.

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"Would you like your daily report of what he's been up to?"

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Er... No!

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I don't think so. What could possibly have done today,

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that I would care...?

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"Let me guess, he dropped some stuff and he shit himself, because

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"that's what he does at home.

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"Like, unless he's built a shed, I really...

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"..couldn't care less about what you've got to say.

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"In fact, I resent the fact you're talking to me now."

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That's the honest truth of it.

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So anyway, they're at school. The second one's just started.

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Just before the second one started, we got a letter home saying,

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"Please make sure your kid can dress themselves

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"and they're toilet trained."

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Now, I'm hoping beyond hope that every parent got that letter.

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What I mean by that is, I'm hoping they didn't just see us one day...

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..and think, "Jesus Christ, fire a letter off to those savages."

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My wife started getting nervous about it, right, like,

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"Oh, my God, what if he's not toilet..." I said, "Who cares?"

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"If he shits himself at school,

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"the bullying alone will stop that immediately.

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"That will cure him of that straight away." Right?

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Plus, I don't even know the point of toilet training.

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What is the point of toilet training?

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What happens if you don't do it?

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What are the consequences? You're going to get it eventually.

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Aren't you? Have you ever met anyone...

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Have you ever met anyone that's just gone, "I was just never..."

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"..I was just never toilet trained, and..."

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"..now I just shit where I stand. It's sad.

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"My God, I've just done one." Do you know what I mean?

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Who the hell does that?

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So, anyway, the kids are at school.

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We're setting them targets.

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The eldest one, we've got targets like, "Get yourself

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"on the smiley face board at school."

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"Be helpful to your teacher."

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You can't have targets like that for the second one. Yeah?

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Those targets are too aspirational...

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..for this arsehole, right? So he's got targets like,

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"Don't burn anything."

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"No knife crime."

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These are the targets we have for this prick, right? So anyway...

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..eventually, he gets five stickers.

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It's not that impressive, it is after a six-month period. Right?

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But I said to him, "Well done, mate, you've absolutely smashed it."

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"Let's get you a couple of things."

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He chose two things - a Spider-Man costume

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and a pushchair with a doll in it.

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Now, fine. No problem at all.

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The issue that I had is that he wanted to use those

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things at the same time.

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So the next time I go out with him...

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..we're down the park.

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He's got a full Spider-Man costume on, pushing a pushchair,

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looking like a Father For Justice.

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APPLAUSE

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Just this horrible tribute act.

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"Weekends are not enough, Daddy!"

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The third one...

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..don't really know what he's going to be like, cos he's only two.

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Do you know what I mean?

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He's not really contributing anything...

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..personality-wise, or whatever.

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He did do something quite cool when he was a little baby, which I

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thought, "Hold on a minute, this kid might be a goddamn legend."

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When he was a little baby...

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He slammed me, before he could even speak, slammed me. This is how he did it.

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I was having a little father-son moment with him,

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just "Coochy coochy coo, coochy coo.

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"Daddy loves you.

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"Daddy loves you."

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He...

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..latched on to breast-feed.

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That is a baby's way of going,

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"You're a fat prick, mate, aren't you?"

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Anyway, I've digressed massively. I'm in Starbucks.

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All right?

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I'm in Starbucks, I'm having a coffee. Right?

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I'm on my laptop, because I need something to look at.

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Right? I can't just drink a coffee, and just..

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You know these people, just?

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"I just like to watch the world go by. That's what I do, people-watch."

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You're a psychopath.

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That's, that's what you are, all right?

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So, I'm on my laptop, I'm on Facebook.

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Do you like Facebook, mate? Course you do, brother.

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You know my favourite thing about Facebook?

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My favourite thing about Facebook.

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And your favourite thing, as well,

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is when people you know hit rock bottom.

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"I DON'T THINK I CAN GO ON ANY MORE."

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Like!

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Sometimes, I unlike it and like it again,

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just so they get the notification, do you know what I mean?

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Still watching!

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One of the other things I like about Facebook is the fact that,

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you know, I'm an unattractive man.

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There is no point denying that, all right?

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I'm an unattractive man, but I've not got unattractive as I've got older.

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I've always looked terrible, right?

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I set the bar low early doors.

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Now, that sounds sad, but what that means is that I'm

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liberated from the ageing process, right?

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Because I am never going to look worse.

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And I've never looked better, right?

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My life cycle is look like shit, look like shit,

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look like shit, dead.

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Right? Incredible.

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But what I like to do is, I like to...

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Basically, you know the people in your year group at school,

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the people that were the hot ones in your year group?

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They were so hot they didn't bother to develop a personality,

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cos they were so good-looking.

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They were never nice to you because they're so good-looking.

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All the teachers were great to them cos they were good-looking.

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What I like to do is I like to

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go on Facebook, find them now...

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..and check out how they've decayed.

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I send them little passive-aggressive messages,

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like, "Is that you?"

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"I barely recognised you."

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I'm not worried about getting older, man. Do you know what I'm worried about? Putting on weight.

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I mean, I look like shit.

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I'm very self-conscious about my body.

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Not so self-conscious that I'm actually going to change my

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lifestyle, but I am self-conscious, though.

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This is how bad I've got it.

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I woke up one morning,

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I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror.

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I was so disgusted

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at the chocolate blancmange abomination

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that was staring back at me, that I went back to the bedroom

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and I apologised to my wife for my appearance.

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And she accepted my apology.

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APPLAUSE

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This is how bad I've got it, right? I don't even want to

0:16:180:16:20

take my kids swimming because

0:16:200:16:22

I don't want to take my top off in public.

0:16:220:16:24

Do you know what my wife said to me? "Just wear a T-shirt."

0:16:240:16:26

Oh, yeah, that'll distract any attention, won't it?

0:16:280:16:30

One knobhead in the corner of the pool,

0:16:300:16:32

wet T-shirt clinging to his torso.

0:16:320:16:34

"Oh, yeah, I find this just helps me glide through the water, yeah.

0:16:400:16:44

"No, no, no, he's not breast-feeding, we're just having a laugh."

0:16:440:16:48

I think...

0:16:480:16:49

..my excess weight and my lack of attractiveness is

0:16:500:16:53

one of the main reasons I've never cheated on my wife.

0:16:530:16:56

It's not the number one reason,

0:16:570:16:59

that is because I love her very much. But...

0:16:590:17:01

AUDIENCE: Aw!

0:17:010:17:03

Thank you, but a close second...

0:17:030:17:05

..is lack of opportunity. I'm meaning this...

0:17:060:17:09

There is no point denying that.

0:17:110:17:13

It's easy to be faithful when you're repulsive, isn't it?

0:17:130:17:16

I mean, I can't even fantasise about another woman,

0:17:160:17:18

cos that fantasy is ruined by the fact that in that fantasy,

0:17:180:17:20

I would have to be there, do you know what I mean?

0:17:200:17:23

It's a massive turn-off.

0:17:230:17:24

It doesn't matter how hot the woman is, eventually my gelatinous

0:17:240:17:26

bulk has to rock up and say, "Can we start having sex now?"

0:17:260:17:30

If I want to fantasise about a woman, I've first got to fantasise

0:17:310:17:34

about six months of intensive cardio, do you know what I mean?

0:17:340:17:36

Like...

0:17:360:17:38

This is what I find helpful about Facebook, right,

0:17:380:17:40

what I find useful about it,

0:17:400:17:41

is it enables your to identify which of your friends are twats, basically.

0:17:410:17:46

Because what happens is,

0:17:460:17:47

when your friends speak to you they just tell you what

0:17:470:17:50

they think you want to hear or they sort of, like,

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keep their real opinions to themselves.

0:17:530:17:55

But on Facebook, they post up what they really think,

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and then you think, "oh, right, yeah, no, you are a bell-end."

0:17:590:18:02

"Like... I didn't know, I suspected, but now I know."

0:18:020:18:05

It's when you find out which of your friends are racist,

0:18:050:18:08

homophobic, sexist, misogynistic, Islamophobic...

0:18:080:18:11

My wife gets really offended.

0:18:110:18:13

She's like, "oh, God, I hate it." I love it.

0:18:130:18:15

I gravitate towards it.

0:18:160:18:17

I start asking them more questions.

0:18:170:18:19

I want to know exactly how idiotic these morons are, right?

0:18:190:18:23

One of my wife's friends, she put up a Britain First picture. Right?

0:18:230:18:27

"Ban the burkha," right?

0:18:270:18:29

Had a picture of a woman in a burkha. It said, "This is DISGUSTING.

0:18:290:18:33

"If you want this to stop, click Like."

0:18:330:18:36

Because...

0:18:360:18:37

..that is how...

0:18:370:18:39

..this woman thinks that legislation works.

0:18:400:18:43

Right? That, basically, Theresa May will look at that and go,

0:18:430:18:46

"Shit, we're going to have to ban the burkha.

0:18:460:18:48

"Well, it's got 700 likes, and they've just put it on Lad Bible."

0:18:480:18:52

Anyway, straight away, right, my wife defriended her.

0:18:570:18:59

She said, "It's racist."

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Now, I don't know if she really thought that or if she was doing it out of solidarity with me.

0:19:000:19:04

I'm not Muslim, but I think she's just trying to show that

0:19:040:19:07

she's down with the browns, you know?

0:19:070:19:09

Anyway, straight away, she defriended her.

0:19:120:19:15

Fuck that, mate! I added her.

0:19:150:19:17

I sent her a message, "I don't like Muslims, either."

0:19:190:19:21

Let's see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Do you know what I mean?

0:19:210:19:24

But it does make me nervous, cos I think, "Shit..." you know,

0:19:240:19:30

"..what does this mean for my..."

0:19:300:19:32

I'm married to a white woman, do you know what I mean?

0:19:320:19:34

I'm telling you that because it's important for the next bit,

0:19:340:19:36

I'm not showing off, all right?

0:19:360:19:38

But I'm not one of these ethnic minorities that remain within their own communities.

0:19:420:19:45

I'll move to your neighbourhood, I'll take one of your jobs, I'll shag one of your women.

0:19:450:19:49

APPLAUSE CHEERING

0:19:500:19:53

And I will bring the property prices right down.

0:19:530:19:56

That's just how I operate.

0:19:560:19:58

Sometimes I think I'm having more children just to

0:19:580:20:00

piss off the neighbours, do you know what I mean?

0:20:000:20:02

Just, "Another brown one, mate!

0:20:020:20:04

"You'll be the minority soon, won't you, if this carries on!

0:20:080:20:11

"I can't remember the last time I saw a condom, to be honest with you!

0:20:140:20:19

"Ah, don't worry about it. If I can't afford it, I'll just claim."

0:20:190:20:21

But it does make me nervous, cos I think I'm in a multicultural family.

0:20:240:20:28

What the hell's going on?

0:20:280:20:29

I mean, Ukip got a million votes in the last election.

0:20:290:20:31

I was thinking, "Jesus, what does that mean for my family?"

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And then I realised, I'm misjudging Ukip.

0:20:340:20:36

I don't know anything about them.

0:20:360:20:38

I'm bandying them in with the EDL and Britain First.

0:20:380:20:41

I thought, "I don't know anything about them. Need to educate myself. Need to find out about them."

0:20:410:20:45

So I did, I went to the Ukip website, checked them out.

0:20:450:20:48

Do you know what?

0:20:480:20:49

Very nice website.

0:20:490:20:51

Nice colour scheme, easy to navigate menus - they've got some values.

0:20:520:20:56

Started looking at the policies.

0:20:570:20:58

I'm thinking, "There's not a lot of shit here I disagree with."

0:20:580:21:01

You know? They want to take tax off the minimum wage. I'm in complete agreement with that.

0:21:010:21:05

I get to the end of it, read all the policies, I thought, "Fuck!

0:21:050:21:08

"I think I'm Ukip."

0:21:100:21:11

I phoned up my mum, I said,

0:21:150:21:16

"Honestly, what have you really contributed?"

0:21:160:21:18

I'll be honest with you, I wasn't that happy with her answers.

0:21:240:21:26

That's the honest truth of it.

0:21:260:21:28

She might have to go.

0:21:280:21:30

Should have put more in.

0:21:300:21:31

She is a wonderful woman...

0:21:330:21:36

..my mother, but she, um...

0:21:360:21:38

CHEERING

0:21:380:21:43

OK. Um...

0:21:440:21:46

She doesn't actually consider me to be a proper Asian.

0:21:460:21:48

This is the sad state of affairs in my life. My mum calls me a coconut. I don't know if you've heard this.

0:21:480:21:52

APPLAUSE

0:21:520:21:54

Don't applaud it!

0:21:540:21:55

Brown on the outside, white on the inside. That's what my mum calls me.

0:21:550:21:58

(AS HIS MUM): "You coconut!"

0:21:580:21:59

(IN OWN VOICE): And the reason...

0:21:590:22:01

The reason my mum calls me a coconut is I was originally Sri Lankan,

0:22:040:22:07

my mother tongue is Tamil and I cannot speak it.

0:22:070:22:10

And the reason I cannot speak it is because my mum

0:22:100:22:12

and dad never spoke it to me...

0:22:120:22:15

..when I was growing up, and now my mum blames me...

0:22:160:22:20

..for not being able to speak it.

0:22:200:22:22

So she'll come up to me and she'll go... "Ba tack a da-da"

0:22:220:22:24

And I'll say, "I dunno what you're on about." Right?

0:22:240:22:27

And then she'll go, "WHY DON'T YOU KNOW?!"

0:22:280:22:30

Right?

0:22:300:22:31

"Because there's no Rosetta Stone Tamil!

0:22:310:22:33

"That's why I don't know, Mum!"

0:22:330:22:35

APPLAUSE

0:22:350:22:38

And then we'll go out and my mum will slag me

0:22:380:22:41

off to her friends in front of me, like I don't know what's going on.

0:22:410:22:44

So I'll be stood there, she'll be at a party, and she'll be going,

0:22:440:22:47

"Ba tack a ba, coconut, ba da da." Like, "I know what you're saying, Mum!"

0:22:470:22:51

"I got the gist of what you said there."

0:22:540:22:56

Then she'll try and code it up like some sort of special agent, right?

0:22:560:23:00

"Ba tacka lacka, BOUNTY, ba da da."

0:23:000:23:02

Like, "I know what a Bounty is!"

0:23:020:23:04

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:23:040:23:08

"Ba tacka lacka, Kinder Surprise!" "All right, Mum, chill out!"

0:23:080:23:12

"Oh, choc ice bastard, da, da da!" "All right."

0:23:130:23:15

Unbelievable, right?

0:23:190:23:21

I went to Sri Lanka to try and de-coconut myself, you know?

0:23:220:23:28

Get in touch with my heritage, and, er...

0:23:280:23:31

We made a show about it, and, er...

0:23:310:23:33

CHEERING

0:23:330:23:37

Thank you very much.

0:23:370:23:39

And my mum was in that show,

0:23:390:23:41

and I'll be honest with you,

0:23:410:23:43

I massively regret her involvement.

0:23:430:23:46

Let me explain why.

0:23:480:23:50

To get to a point where you get a TV show, it's incredibly difficult, right?

0:23:510:23:54

You start off as a stand-up. You're not doing rooms like this.

0:23:540:23:57

You're doing a pub with eight people, they're facing the other way. Right?

0:23:570:24:00

Then you keep working at it, keep working at it, and eventually you get to a point where

0:24:000:24:04

you're doing it for a career and then eventually,

0:24:040:24:06

after that, you get to a point where you get some TV. Now, it's difficult to get TV.

0:24:060:24:09

The reason I got TV is very much

0:24:090:24:12

thanks to diversity quotas. Right?

0:24:120:24:15

You get two for one with me - I'm brown and I've got a lazy eye.

0:24:180:24:22

Right? So, basically, you get

0:24:220:24:24

ethnicity and disability. Right?

0:24:240:24:27

If they ever do a Bollywood Last Leg, right,

0:24:270:24:30

you're looking at the host.

0:24:300:24:31

Anyway. I got to a point where I'd pitched this show

0:24:360:24:39

and they liked the show and said, "We're going to make the show," and

0:24:390:24:42

you go, "Brilliant, this is amazing! Incredible!

0:24:420:24:44

"The hard work's paid off. The luck has come in.

0:24:440:24:46

"My dream has come true. I'm making this show, this is amazing."

0:24:460:24:49

And then this fucking woman...

0:24:490:24:51

..sweeps in with her little cameo. (AS HIS MUM): "Oh, you fat belly coconut bastard!"

0:24:520:24:56

(IN OWN VOICE): And then all of a sudden, she's a star!

0:24:560:24:59

She's a star!

0:24:590:25:01

I'm getting tweets - "Your mum's funnier than you!"

0:25:010:25:05

"When's your mum on tour?" When's your mum on tour?!

0:25:050:25:08

Never done a gig in her life, right?

0:25:090:25:11

She's getting separate offers, mate.

0:25:110:25:13

I got a phone call - BBC Asian Network.

0:25:130:25:15

"Will your mum be an agony aunt?"

0:25:150:25:16

I didn't even check with her, I said no. Fuck her!

0:25:170:25:20

There is no WAY...

0:25:200:25:22

..I'm letting her get a career off my back, man.

0:25:250:25:27

Are you shitting me?!

0:25:270:25:28

God, it feels good to get that off my chest, man.

0:25:320:25:34

Anyway. I can tell you we are doing another series...

0:25:360:25:40

CHEERING

0:25:400:25:43

Thanks very much, thank you very much, I'm very excited about it.

0:25:430:25:46

It's, er...

0:25:460:25:47

..it's six episodes and it all, I think I can say now,

0:25:470:25:51

it all centres around my mum getting deported.

0:25:510:25:53

It's called Asian Deporteur, I'm very excited about it.

0:25:590:26:02

APPLAUSE

0:26:020:26:05

It's just her on a boat going, "This ticket doesn't say 'return'. Oh, shit!"

0:26:050:26:08

"See you later, Mum, should have put more in!"

0:26:090:26:12

Ukip!

0:26:120:26:13

It's funny, innit, the idea of a 60-year-old woman just being sent back to where she comes from?

0:26:180:26:22

It's hilarious.

0:26:220:26:24

Hope she's all right. Um, OK.

0:26:240:26:26

Anyway! I...

0:26:280:26:31

I, er, went to Sri Lanka to try and de-coconut myself, right?

0:26:310:26:36

And I was annoyed before I even left this country.

0:26:360:26:40

Right? And I'll tell you why, the airport did my head in, right?

0:26:400:26:43

Because they were doing Ebola checks at the airport.

0:26:430:26:46

And I'd been shitting myself about Ebola.

0:26:460:26:48

Was anyone here worried about Ebola?

0:26:480:26:52

No. And it's very easy to not worry

0:26:520:26:55

about something that doesn't affect

0:26:550:26:57

anyone who looks like you.

0:26:570:26:58

I understand that, right?

0:26:580:27:00

But I was nervous about it.

0:27:000:27:01

Started watching the news, trying to stay on top of it.

0:27:010:27:04

You know what pisses me off about the news, right?

0:27:040:27:06

They never recap what's been happening.

0:27:060:27:11

So, the news will start and they'll start talking about a story

0:27:110:27:14

that's been developing over the last few days, and I don't know...

0:27:140:27:18

..what the hell's going on,

0:27:180:27:20

and they just assume that you've been following it up to that point.

0:27:200:27:22

I'm just turning to my wife, going, "What is Krishnan talking about?

0:27:220:27:26

"I don't understand."

0:27:260:27:27

They don't recap the news.

0:27:270:27:29

It's the most important show on TV,

0:27:290:27:32

and they don't recap it, yet every other moronic...

0:27:320:27:35

..thick as pig shit TV show

0:27:360:27:39

is recapped to within an inch of its life.

0:27:390:27:41

Right? Come Dine With Me...

0:27:410:27:43

..the whole show's a fucking recap.

0:27:450:27:47

Right? Nothing happens in that show.

0:27:470:27:49

You watch, it goes, "Derek's made a tiramisu! Join us after the break

0:27:490:27:52

"and find out exactly what the guests thought about the tiramisu!"

0:27:520:27:55

Then you watch the break, then after the break it goes, "Before the break, Derek made a tiramisu!"

0:27:550:28:00

"His guests are eating it."

0:28:000:28:01

I know, mate, I can literally see the guy eating the tiramisu.

0:28:010:28:04

It's not the radio.

0:28:040:28:05

I'm watching it, dude.

0:28:050:28:06

Why are you telling me?!

0:28:060:28:09

Why don't they do that on the news?

0:28:090:28:10

I know they don't want to make the news longer,

0:28:100:28:12

just put it on the red button, then.

0:28:120:28:15

"Today, we're going to talk about Ebola in Africa." Red button, "What's Africa?"

0:28:150:28:18

Do you know what I mean? Just to sort of...

0:28:180:28:20

Do you know what the funniest thing about the Ebola checks was?

0:28:250:28:28

The funniest thing, right?

0:28:280:28:31

Voluntary.

0:28:310:28:33

Voluntary!

0:28:330:28:35

Voluntary checks at the airports in this country to find out if

0:28:350:28:37

you've got Ebola.

0:28:370:28:39

Who the shit is going to volunteer

0:28:390:28:43

to spend more time at an airport

0:28:430:28:45

to find out if they might have Ebola?

0:28:450:28:48

Not me, mate. I've got a massive Toblerone to get stuck into.

0:28:480:28:51

I haven't got time to find out...

0:28:510:28:52

..if I've got a deadly virus!

0:28:540:28:56

Difficult enough to fly out of this country as it is! I'm brown with a beard, mate.

0:28:560:28:59

I was wearing a camouflage jacket cos I'm having a mid-life crisis.

0:28:590:29:03

I might as well have said, "Hello, there. Could I please have a rectal exam?"

0:29:030:29:06

I was complaining about it to a friend of mine.

0:29:100:29:12

I said, "Dude, I'm so done with this airport security, man.

0:29:120:29:15

"It's pissing me off."

0:29:150:29:17

Do you know what he said to me?

0:29:170:29:19

He said to me... (IN RP ACCENT): "..don't be so bloody selfish.

0:29:190:29:22

"Do you know the reason we have those measures in place, Romesh?

0:29:220:29:26

"It's because we don't want the terrorists to win.

0:29:270:29:31

"So why don't you suck it up and deal with it...

0:29:310:29:34

"..Romesh?"

0:29:340:29:36

(IN OWN VOICE): Now, I understand that argument, but my counter-argument

0:29:360:29:39

would be this...

0:29:390:29:41

..how do we know that the terrorists haven't already won?

0:29:410:29:44

How do we know what their initial goal was?

0:29:460:29:49

What if their initial goal was just to make air travel fucking annoying?

0:29:540:29:58

Because if that was their initial goal,

0:30:050:30:07

they've absolutely smashed it, mate. They've knocked it out the park.

0:30:070:30:10

Somewhere there's a terrorist going,

0:30:100:30:11

"And the infidels have to take their shoes off even on internal flights!

0:30:110:30:14

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

0:30:140:30:16

It's very difficult to do a generic, inoffensive terrorist accent.

0:30:190:30:23

And that is why I went for the Count from Sesame Street.

0:30:250:30:28

I don't know if you noticed that.

0:30:280:30:30

Just because I thought it would be funny if he was a terrorist.

0:30:300:30:33

(AS COUNT:) "How many seconds till detonation?

0:30:330:30:34

"Ten, ah-ah-ah!

0:30:340:30:36

"Nine, ah-ah-ah!" It's hilarious.

0:30:360:30:39

For ten seconds, then you're dead, but it's hilarious.

0:30:390:30:42

I do...

0:30:430:30:45

I do find myself disagreeing with Isis.

0:30:450:30:48

Not their...

0:30:510:30:53

Not their ideologies. The ideologies I'm kind of on the fence about.

0:30:530:30:56

It's their techniques.

0:30:560:30:58

Their techniques is what I've got a problem, right?

0:30:590:31:01

They've got no idea how to bring down the West, these guys.

0:31:010:31:04

They keep threatening our lives.

0:31:040:31:06

None of us give a shit about that. We're too comfortable.

0:31:060:31:09

If I was advising Isis -

0:31:090:31:11

and fingers crossed, I'm waiting on a call-back - but if I was...

0:31:110:31:14

LAUGHTER

0:31:140:31:15

..if I was advising Isis, I would say to them,

0:31:150:31:17

"Listen, mate, you're getting it all wrong.

0:31:170:31:18

"That's not how you bring down the West.

0:31:180:31:20

"Stop threatening people's lives.

0:31:200:31:22

"You want to bring down the West, this is what you do -

0:31:220:31:24

"make shit inconvenient".

0:31:240:31:27

Right, that's how you bring down the West. Now, think about it -

0:31:280:31:30

what are you more concerned about on a day-to-day basis?

0:31:300:31:33

What affects your mental state more regularly?

0:31:330:31:36

A train blowing up, or somebody stopping in front of you

0:31:360:31:39

in the middle of a busy street for no fucking reason?

0:31:390:31:42

What affects you more, yeah?

0:31:480:31:50

What bothers you on a day-to-day?

0:31:500:31:52

What messes with your mind more?

0:31:530:31:55

A plane potentially blowing up on takeoff, or going into Sainsbury's

0:31:550:31:58

and finding they've moved the shit to different aisles yet again?

0:31:580:32:03

Do you know what I've realised?

0:32:040:32:06

I don't give a shit about losing my life.

0:32:060:32:07

Do you know what I give a shit about?

0:32:070:32:09

Losing Wi-Fi. That's what I care about.

0:32:090:32:12

I'm a jihadi for unlimited data,

0:32:120:32:13

that's what I've discovered about myself.

0:32:130:32:15

If I found out that by sympathising with Isis, I could get rid of

0:32:150:32:18

the buffering circle on Netflix, I'd join Isis tomorrow.

0:32:180:32:22

I mean that. HE SHRIEKS

0:32:220:32:24

I'm fucking in. You won't see me here,

0:32:240:32:26

you'll see me doing a YouTube video from a cave,

0:32:260:32:28

going, "Hello, I'm Romesh Ranganathan.

0:32:280:32:30

"I went into Sainsbury's, I couldn't find the bread,

0:32:300:32:33

"it was the last straw.

0:32:330:32:34

"So now I've joined Isis, the Wi-Fi is incredible.

0:32:340:32:38

"Uploaded this video in no time at all,

0:32:380:32:40

"nobody bumps into you in the street, down with the West".

0:32:400:32:43

What I'm hoping is nobody just releases only that clip

0:32:460:32:49

onto YouTube, because that has got...

0:32:490:32:52

APPLAUSE

0:32:520:32:54

That's got, "Career-ender" written all over it, hasn't it?

0:32:560:32:59

The Daily Mail will have a field day with that.

0:32:590:33:01

You'll just see me on the front like this.

0:33:010:33:03

So, anyway, I went to Sri Lanka to try and de-coconut myself.

0:33:060:33:10

This is the problem I've got, OK? This is the problem I've got.

0:33:100:33:14

I'm British, and I'm out of that, but I'm also proud of my Sri Lankan

0:33:140:33:16

heritage, but I cannot connect with it. And the reason I cannot

0:33:160:33:19

connect with it is because I do not speak the language.

0:33:190:33:22

But I look like I should be able to speak the language.

0:33:220:33:25

This is an incredible Sri Lankan disguise.

0:33:260:33:29

If you're...

0:33:290:33:31

If you're white and you go to Sri Lanka, you've got no problems,

0:33:310:33:33

because they just assume obviously you can speak it. For me,

0:33:330:33:37

it looks like I can speak it, and they're extremely friendly people.

0:33:370:33:40

As soon as we landed, they're talking to me.

0:33:400:33:42

So I'm walking through the airport, bump into someone...

0:33:420:33:45

IMITATES TAMIL

0:33:450:33:46

And I have to say, "I'm so sorry, mate.

0:33:460:33:48

"I can barely understand Glaswegian.

0:33:510:33:53

"There's no banter to be had here, sorry".

0:33:540:33:57

And then I can't even connect with my family.

0:33:580:34:00

That's the sad thing, I can't even connect with my family,

0:34:000:34:03

because they only speak a bit of English.

0:34:030:34:05

I don't speak any Tamil.

0:34:050:34:06

So I'll meet an uncle, and go, "Hello, Uncle." "Hello, Romesh.

0:34:060:34:08

"You good? "Yeah, I'm good. You good?" "Yes."

0:34:080:34:11

One of my uncles give me an insight

0:34:140:34:16

into Sri Lankan culture accidentally.

0:34:160:34:19

He introduced me to his wife,

0:34:190:34:20

brought over this sort of portly Sri Lankan woman.

0:34:200:34:24

And then he goes, "Romesh, this is my wife".

0:34:240:34:28

And I said, "Lovely to meet you".

0:34:280:34:30

And then he goes...

0:34:300:34:32

"Fat, no?"

0:34:320:34:33

And then I looked at her,

0:34:380:34:39

and she's going, "Ha-ha-ha, fat, fat, fat!"

0:34:390:34:41

And then I realised, my mum's not the arsehole.

0:34:410:34:44

They're all arseholes.

0:34:440:34:45

No British hang-ups. "You're fat, you're ugly, who gives a shit?

0:34:470:34:49

"We can still be mates." Do you know what I mean?

0:34:490:34:52

This is the weird situation, the weird situation in my life,

0:34:560:34:59

is that my mum and dad worried about my brother and I

0:34:590:35:02

not been Sri Lankan enough.

0:35:020:35:04

Also, conversely, worried about us not being English enough, right?

0:35:040:35:09

And this is...

0:35:090:35:10

My mum was so worried about me growing up in this country,

0:35:100:35:14

my mum and dad both so worried about me growing up in this country,

0:35:140:35:17

they gave me a secret weapon.

0:35:170:35:19

Don't worry, it's not something I'm now going to detonate.

0:35:190:35:21

It's much... It's much more innocent than that.

0:35:210:35:24

This is my secret weapon.

0:35:240:35:26

My first name is not Romesh. Romesh is my middle name.

0:35:260:35:29

My first name is Jonathan.

0:35:290:35:32

MIMICS LAUGHTER

0:35:330:35:34

Go fuck yourselves. But it is Jonathan, all right?

0:35:340:35:37

That's what it says on my birth certificate.

0:35:380:35:40

Now, I didn't know that...

0:35:400:35:42

..because when I was at home, as a little kid, my mum and dad

0:35:460:35:48

called me Romesh. The first time I found out...

0:35:480:35:51

..what my name was...

0:35:530:35:54

..was my first day at school.

0:35:560:35:58

You know, when the teachers have got the registers.

0:35:580:36:01

Can you imagine that? I'm just sat there like, "What?"

0:36:020:36:05

Your first day at school is difficult enough as it is

0:36:110:36:16

without finding out you've got a secret identity.

0:36:160:36:19

I came home, I said... I can't remember exactly what I said

0:36:200:36:23

to my dad, something along the lines of, "What is my name?"

0:36:230:36:25

And he said to me, "Well, we didn't want to have to discuss it with you

0:36:250:36:29

"this early on, but I will explain it to you, Romesh.

0:36:290:36:31

"In this country, there is discrimination, and sometimes

0:36:310:36:35

"you don't get opportunities that you deserve

0:36:350:36:37

"because of your ethnicity, so

0:36:370:36:39

"we thought you could use this name when you're applying for things..."

0:36:390:36:43

GENTLE LAUGHTER

0:36:450:36:48

"..and hopefully dodge the issue."

0:36:480:36:49

It's a very well-intentioned plan.

0:36:540:36:56

I don't know how he thought that was going to play out.

0:36:560:36:59

So, I put that on an application form.

0:36:590:37:00

A guy looks at it, and goes, "Ah!

0:37:000:37:03

"Jonathan Ranganathan.

0:37:030:37:04

"Must be a white guy. Must be a white guy, let's get him in.

0:37:060:37:09

"Finally, a good old traditional English name. This is great.

0:37:090:37:13

"I like the cut of his jib, this guy. Good English fella.

0:37:130:37:16

"He's a frontrunner, I tell you.

0:37:160:37:18

"It's between him and Christopher Patel".

0:37:180:37:20

APPLAUSE

0:37:220:37:24

And then...

0:37:280:37:29

..what the shit happens at the interview?

0:37:300:37:33

I mean, I've got to meet somebody, so I'd rock up there.

0:37:330:37:38

"Hello there, who are you?"

0:37:380:37:39

"I'm Jonathan." "You're Jonathan?"

0:37:390:37:41

"What the fuck is going on here? Have you seen him?

0:37:420:37:45

"Well, I thought he was the driver, but he's actually the applicant.

0:37:450:37:49

"Does he look like a Jonathan to you?

0:37:490:37:50

"He looks like he literally just stepped off a boat.

0:37:500:37:53

"So it's actually you that's Jonathan, yeah?

0:37:560:37:59

"I can't believe this. Can we just get that light on?

0:37:590:38:02

"No, he is that dark. Jesus!

0:38:020:38:04

"Well, I blame you for this.

0:38:050:38:06

"Well, we had exactly the same problem with Christopher."

0:38:060:38:09

Anyway, I've digressed massively. I'm in Starbucks...

0:38:130:38:16

LAUGHTER

0:38:160:38:18

You remember this? I'm in Starbucks, I'm drinking my coffee,

0:38:210:38:24

I'm at my laptop, having a wonderful time, right? I'm at a shared table.

0:38:240:38:27

This woman walks in, she orders her coffee, right?

0:38:270:38:30

She comes to sit down, she's got to sit near me,

0:38:300:38:34

because I'm at a shared table.

0:38:340:38:36

As she goes to sit down, she knocks my coffee onto my laptop,

0:38:360:38:43

breaking it instantly.

0:38:430:38:46

Then she turned to me, and she goes, "oh, my God.

0:38:460:38:49

"I'm so sorry.

0:38:490:38:51

"Can I get you another coffee?"

0:38:510:38:52

"Yeah, that would be great. Thank you so much.

0:39:050:39:08

"I will have a Macbookuccino."

0:39:080:39:11

So this is how Starbucks showed me how British I am, right?

0:39:140:39:18

The woman who spilt the coffee, I've gone to her, "oh, my God.

0:39:180:39:22

"Well, the important thing is, are you OK?"

0:39:220:39:25

"Please don't worry about getting me another coffee,

0:39:280:39:31

"I'll just pour the coffee from the laptop back into my cup.

0:39:310:39:34

"Yes, it is completely destroyed, but at least I've made a friend."

0:39:340:39:37

HE LAUGHS

0:39:370:39:38

I phoned my wife to tell her about it, right?

0:39:420:39:44

I phoned my wife to tell her about it.

0:39:440:39:46

And I love my wife very much, but what I discovered is,

0:39:460:39:50

when something horrible happens to you, and you tell the person that

0:39:500:39:54

you care about more than anyone else in the world about what happened...

0:39:540:39:58

..every single thing they say is annoying.

0:40:000:40:02

Like, every single word that woman said

0:40:020:40:08

made me want to punch a wall until my knuckles bled.

0:40:080:40:11

You know what she said to me?

0:40:110:40:12

"Is it broken? "Is it broken?!

0:40:120:40:13

"No, if anything, it's running faster!

0:40:130:40:16

"It's got a nice little coffee smell.

0:40:160:40:18

"Just thought I'd phone and let you know the good news.

0:40:180:40:20

"Yeah, everything's coming up Romesh!"

0:40:200:40:22

Oh, my God, she's a very funny woman.

0:40:280:40:30

Not intentionally. I'll give you an example.

0:40:300:40:33

I was due to do a gig in Barton-upon-Humber last year.

0:40:330:40:35

Two weeks before I'm due to do the gig, I get a phone call from

0:40:350:40:38

my agent. She said, "Romesh, little bit of an awkward situation.

0:40:380:40:41

"The venue have been contacted by the BNP, and they say that

0:40:410:40:44

"they're fundamentally opposed to you performing in Barton.

0:40:440:40:47

"And if you go ahead with the performance, they are going to stage

0:40:470:40:50

"a protest the likes of which Barton has never seen".

0:40:500:40:55

Now, I don't know what that means. Are they going to dress up?

0:40:550:40:58

Is there going to be cake? I've got no idea.

0:40:580:41:01

My agent said to me, "What do you want to do?"

0:41:010:41:03

I said, "Well, the tour's not been selling that well.

0:41:030:41:06

"This could be exactly the kind of PR...

0:41:060:41:08

"..that could give it a kick. Is there any way you could organise,

0:41:100:41:13

"contact some other racist organisations,

0:41:130:41:16

"see if you can get them to unify and get this into the nationals?

0:41:160:41:19

She said to me, "No, that's not what I meant.

0:41:190:41:21

"What I meant was, do you want to pull the show?"

0:41:210:41:24

I said, "No, absolutely not,"

0:41:240:41:25

because I thought this could be my big break.

0:41:250:41:27

If they do a big protest, suddenly I'm a race warrior,

0:41:270:41:31

I'm a hero, I'm in all the papers. That's what I wanted, right?

0:41:310:41:35

They had to put plainclothes police officers in the audience

0:41:350:41:39

in case anything kicked off, right?

0:41:390:41:41

So that's five tickets.

0:41:410:41:43

I'm not going to give them freebies.

0:41:460:41:48

It's not my fault you've got BNP activity, mate. Control it.

0:41:480:41:51

Anyway, we turn up there.

0:41:520:41:54

We turn up there, pull into the car park, no protest.

0:41:540:41:58

And in many ways, that is the ultimate protest, isn't it?

0:41:580:42:01

"We hate you so much

0:42:010:42:04

"that we cannot be arsed to turn up and tell you how much we hate you."

0:42:040:42:08

I was still nervous, though, because I thought,

0:42:080:42:10

"Shit, they said it was a protest the likes of which

0:42:100:42:12

"Barton had never seen". It could happen at any point.

0:42:120:42:14

I could be in the toilet, and they'd get me there.

0:42:140:42:17

One of them comes out of the bowl.

0:42:170:42:19

"Take that, you brown bastard!"

0:42:190:42:20

Fist up the arsehole, something like that.

0:42:200:42:23

I don't know, could be surprise attack, sneak attack, right?

0:42:230:42:27

So I'm still nervous. We get into the venue,

0:42:270:42:30

the staff in the venue are being very apologetic,

0:42:300:42:32

sort of overcompensating, being very nice.

0:42:320:42:34

Did me a curry, which I thought, "Bit of a pisstake, but..."

0:42:340:42:38

It had raisins in it. Anyway, doesn't matter. So...

0:42:380:42:40

I do the show, nothing happens.

0:42:430:42:45

I finish the show, phone up my wife because she was worried.

0:42:450:42:47

I said, "Nothing happened. She said, "You know what, Rom?

0:42:470:42:50

"In many ways, you've sort of got to hope that it was racism".

0:42:500:42:54

And I said to her...

0:42:580:43:00

"What the shit are you talking about?"

0:43:000:43:02

She said to me, "Well, imagine if it wasn't, that would be much worse".

0:43:020:43:05

Imagine if the BNP contacted the venue and said,

0:43:050:43:07

"Hello, this is the BNP.

0:43:070:43:09

"We're fundamentally opposed to Romesh performing in Barton".

0:43:090:43:11

And they said, "We don't tolerate racism".

0:43:110:43:13

And they said, "No, it's not racism.

0:43:130:43:16

"We just think he's dog shit".

0:43:160:43:17

Imagine, as an ethnic minority act,

0:43:190:43:21

if your ethnicity wasn't what the BNP found most offensive about you.

0:43:210:43:25

She's a wonderful woman, my wife. I love her very much.

0:43:290:43:32

She looks after our three children, she does a wonderful job.

0:43:320:43:36

I made the mistake of suggesting that my day at work

0:43:360:43:41

might have been 10% as challenging as her day.

0:43:410:43:45

And she nearly punched my teeth out through my arsehole.

0:43:460:43:49

So I realise that I shouldn't have done that.

0:43:490:43:52

She does feel like she has got to justify what she does to me.

0:43:520:43:55

"I've got to do this, then I've got to do that, I've got to do this."

0:43:550:43:57

She doesn't have to justify what she does to me.

0:43:570:44:00

I know how difficult it is to spend time with those children.

0:44:000:44:04

I've done it four or five times.

0:44:050:44:07

The last time, it was like a triple-prong attack on my sanity.

0:44:070:44:11

It was like they'd planned it.

0:44:110:44:13

It was unbelievable, as if one of them went, "Right, she's gone out.

0:44:130:44:15

HE LAUGHS SINISTERLY

0:44:150:44:17

"OK, this is what we're going to do.

0:44:170:44:19

"You take a shit in that corner.

0:44:190:44:21

"You take a piss in that corner.

0:44:220:44:24

"This is the genius bit -

0:44:240:44:26

"I'm just going to grab my dick for no reason.

0:44:260:44:28

"Trust me - if we time it right, he will kill himself."

0:44:330:44:36

You know what my wife does? She makes up deadlines.

0:44:360:44:38

I've got no idea why she does this. She makes up deadlines.

0:44:380:44:42

I'll say to her, "I'm off out now. What are you up to?"

0:44:420:44:44

She'll go, "Well, got to clean the windows by 3:00".

0:44:440:44:47

Why?

0:44:490:44:50

Is there a window inspection at 3:05 that I didn't know about?

0:44:500:44:54

I didn't even know we cleaned the fucking windows.

0:44:540:44:56

You know my deadline for cleaning the windows?

0:44:560:44:58

When I can't see out of them any more.

0:44:580:45:00

If I come downstairs and go, "Where the shit is the garden?

0:45:000:45:02

"Jesus! Oh, of course, we need to clean those".

0:45:020:45:04

Oh, God. She's a wonderful woman.

0:45:060:45:08

She deserves the very best, but I cannot be arsed to provide it.

0:45:080:45:12

It's such a difficult conundrum. I want her to be happy,

0:45:120:45:15

but I've got no inclination to do anything about it.

0:45:150:45:18

What do you do?

0:45:180:45:20

What do you do? It's a difficult one, isn't it?

0:45:200:45:23

I do want her to be happy, but I don't want to do anything.

0:45:230:45:26

The way I figure it, I don't have to be an excellent husband, I just have

0:45:260:45:29

to be slightly less annoying than starting divorce proceedings.

0:45:290:45:32

You know, that's how I figure it.

0:45:320:45:34

Trying to figure out a solution. I think I've figured it out.

0:45:340:45:37

I think I've figured out a way of me not doing anything

0:45:370:45:39

but her being happy.

0:45:390:45:41

I just figured, let her have a boyfriend.

0:45:410:45:43

I do think that's the solution.

0:45:440:45:46

I know how people worry about their marriage.

0:45:460:45:48

"Oh, I don't know what's going on.

0:45:480:45:50

"Bit tough. Don't know where she is tonight."

0:45:500:45:52

I know where my wife is tonight.

0:45:520:45:54

She's with Andy. I arranged it.

0:45:540:45:56

So many advantages to having an Andy.

0:45:580:46:00

Got an extra childcare option.

0:46:000:46:02

You've got a mate.

0:46:020:46:04

Don't have to worry about your sexual performance any more,

0:46:040:46:07

cos Andy's smashing the shit out of it.

0:46:070:46:08

Do you know what I mean? It's amazing!

0:46:080:46:10

You know when you go out with your friends

0:46:130:46:15

and complain about your other half? When you're with Andy,

0:46:150:46:17

you're complaining about the same person. Play mind games with him.

0:46:170:46:20

"Isn't it weird when she does her multiple orgasm face?

0:46:200:46:24

"Oh, you haven't seen it?"

0:46:240:46:26

I sometimes think the biggest advantage of having an Andy

0:46:300:46:33

is I'd quite like to have a go on Andy myself.

0:46:330:46:36

I am thinking about going gay.

0:46:360:46:38

For a bit, do you know what I mean?

0:46:380:46:40

Like a gap year.

0:46:400:46:42

I'll tell you why - I've never tried it. It might be better.

0:46:440:46:47

You're supposed to try everything, aren't you?

0:46:470:46:49

So I'm thinking, this year, I'm going to try, like, pottery...

0:46:490:46:52

..and being gay for a bit.

0:46:520:46:54

I do think we are in a situation where being gay, we pretend,

0:46:550:46:58

is normalised by society, but I don't think it is.

0:46:580:47:01

I saw two guys kissing recently,

0:47:010:47:02

and went, "Oh, there's two guys kissing".

0:47:020:47:04

I shouldn't have even acknowledged it, but I did.

0:47:040:47:07

I'm not homophobic, but then I realised, the reason I acknowledged

0:47:070:47:10

it is because I just haven't seen it that much.

0:47:100:47:12

Based on the TV and film I have watched, they don't normalise it.

0:47:120:47:15

Every time there's a homosexual relationship, it's part of some kind

0:47:150:47:18

of ground-breaking, award-winning BAFTA-nominated storyline.

0:47:180:47:21

It's not normalised.

0:47:210:47:23

Netflix has got a separate category for gay, lesbian and bisexual,

0:47:230:47:27

so it's not normalised. I just haven't seen it that much

0:47:270:47:30

on TV and film. Think about it.

0:47:300:47:31

You know, two guys kissing. You just haven't seen that that much.

0:47:310:47:34

Based on the TV and film I've watched,

0:47:340:47:36

I've seen more people take a bullet to the head

0:47:360:47:40

than I have seen dudes kissing.

0:47:400:47:42

Based on the TV and film I've watched,

0:47:420:47:44

I've seen more talking animals than I have seen dudes kissing.

0:47:440:47:48

I am currently conditioned to be more surprised by two guys kissing

0:47:490:47:53

than I am by a bear going, "All right, Rom?"

0:47:530:47:55

Do you know what I mean? That's insane.

0:47:550:47:57

I do also think that heterosexual dudes are incredibly arrogant.

0:47:580:48:02

You know, I do think we are very arrogant.

0:48:020:48:04

I'll give you an example of how arrogant I think we are -

0:48:040:48:08

we are turned on by lesbian pornography.

0:48:080:48:11

I mean, it doesn't get much more arrogant than that, does it?

0:48:120:48:14

That is a situation where a penis could not be less welcome.

0:48:140:48:19

And a heterosexual man will watch that scene, see two women

0:48:210:48:25

just having a cracking time, and his primary thought is,

0:48:250:48:29

"Imagine what would happen if I rocked up".

0:48:290:48:31

I think sex would be better with a dude, I think I'd be better

0:48:380:48:40

at sex with a dude. There you go, I said it. I'll tell you why - I

0:48:400:48:44

just think a man's got to be better at handling a penis than a woman.

0:48:440:48:48

You know? Based purely on the number of practice hours that he's had.

0:48:480:48:52

It takes, what, 10,000 hours to master something.

0:48:530:48:56

There's 8,760 hours in a year.

0:48:560:48:59

I reckon I mastered my dick in a year and a half, right?

0:48:590:49:02

I'm a dick ninja, mate. The pleasure I could give a man!

0:49:020:49:05

Backhand, forehand, volley, whatever you want, mate.

0:49:050:49:09

I was going to step up and show my potential, my true potential.

0:49:090:49:12

I feel sorry for women, cos the first time they're dealing with a

0:49:120:49:15

penis, it's not a training session, they're in the fucking game.

0:49:150:49:18

Just like, "Oh, shit, what do I do with this?"

0:49:180:49:21

Shifting it around, trying to find third.

0:49:210:49:23

I just think a dude would be much more comfortable.

0:49:230:49:26

There's nothing he hasn't seen, mate, dick-related.

0:49:260:49:28

He'd just step up like a bloody cocktail bartender.

0:49:280:49:31

"Don't worry, sir, we'll have you off in no time at all."

0:49:310:49:34

What I'm trying to say is, "I think I'm gay," all right?

0:49:390:49:42

I think I'm gay, I just need to find the dude that's into the

0:49:420:49:44

Asian Rolf Harris look, and then we are in smash town.

0:49:440:49:47

APPLAUSE

0:49:480:49:50

Ladies and gentlemen of the Apollo, you've been absolutely amazing.

0:49:530:49:56

Thank you very much. Goodnight!

0:49:560:49:57

Hello.

0:50:140:50:16

I don't do a proper encore, I just come back out.

0:50:160:50:18

I do try and spend quality time with my wife, right?

0:50:200:50:24

And I think, based on what I've said before I went off there,

0:50:240:50:26

I probably need to.

0:50:260:50:27

My wife and I, we watch TV together.

0:50:330:50:36

That's what happens, isn't it? When you start off a relationship,

0:50:360:50:38

your quality time means you're going out and doing all sorts of stuff,

0:50:380:50:42

but I'm at the point where you just sort of exist in the same room.

0:50:420:50:46

Do you know what I mean? Like, "Paul, how's the marriage going?"

0:50:460:50:48

"It's going great. You know, last night, we had a bit of quality time.

0:50:480:50:52

"We both sort of sat in the same room

0:50:520:50:53

"and looked in the same direction for about four hours.

0:50:530:50:56

"It was wonderful, man. We didn't really talk to each other,

0:50:570:51:00

"but it was just magical to be in the same space, you know.

0:51:000:51:03

"And really sort of just enjoy each other's air.

0:51:030:51:06

"You know, we're sort of sitting there, both looking straight ahead,

0:51:060:51:09

"never communicating. It was just, you know, so nice.

0:51:090:51:12

"Neither of us left the room at all.

0:51:130:51:14

"I mean, I went up to go to the toilet.

0:51:140:51:17

"I needed a piss, I pretended I needed a shit

0:51:170:51:19

"just to have a longer break, to be honest with you.

0:51:190:51:21

"Sat in the toilet thinking what could have been,

0:51:210:51:24

"I could have ended up with someone I really loved.

0:51:240:51:27

"But that's not to be.

0:51:270:51:28

"I sort of compromised on my dreams because I don't want to die alone,

0:51:280:51:32

"and then you sort of think, 'OK, let's get back to the living room

0:51:320:51:34

"'and carry on the merry dance towards oblivion'.

0:51:340:51:37

"Thanks very much for asking".

0:51:390:51:41

Anyway, we watch TV. My wife likes Gogglebox.

0:51:450:51:47

Any fans of Gogglebox in? CHEERING

0:51:470:51:50

Sweet, you should be executed.

0:51:500:51:51

I cannot believe this programme exists.

0:51:530:51:55

It's the dumbest shit I've ever seen in my life.

0:51:550:51:58

As I'm watching it, I'm feeling my intellect dissolve like a Berocca.

0:51:580:52:01

I cannot believe this programme exists.

0:52:060:52:08

The first time I saw the advert for it, I opened the curtains

0:52:080:52:10

to see if I could see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

0:52:100:52:13

Do you know what I mean? We're watching people watch TV!

0:52:130:52:17

Are you shitting me?

0:52:170:52:19

Are you shitting on my face? We're watching people watch television?

0:52:190:52:22

And it's a thing. Wow!

0:52:220:52:24

No wonder Isis want to get us, man. On that alone, I'm with them, yeah.

0:52:250:52:29

Do it, mate. We watch Gogglebox. Take us out.

0:52:290:52:31

Imagine if you're making a programme that was difficult to make,

0:52:340:52:37

a TV show that was difficult to make, and it's being beaten

0:52:370:52:40

by Gogglebox in the ratings, how you would feel.

0:52:400:52:43

Imagine you pour your heart and soul into some drama,

0:52:430:52:46

you spent years working on the script.

0:52:460:52:48

You work on it, you polish it, you put it out there, then you go,

0:52:480:52:52

"Right, let's see how it's getting on.

0:52:520:52:54

"How's the drama doing in the ratings?"

0:52:540:52:56

"Well, it's doing all right."

0:52:560:52:57

"Why, what's it being beaten by?" "Well, it's being beaten by

0:52:570:53:00

"some people that are sitting watching the drama".

0:53:000:53:02

"Well, I think I'm going to go and punch myself in the face repeatedly,

0:53:070:53:10

"because that's basically what this process has been."

0:53:100:53:12

The biggest problem I've got about it is that it changes

0:53:140:53:17

my wife's expectations of how we should watch television.

0:53:170:53:22

Because of the way Gogglebox are. They're having a laugh,

0:53:220:53:25

and suddenly my wife thinks that's how we should be.

0:53:250:53:28

I know how we watch TV - just in your pants like Jabba the Hutt.

0:53:280:53:32

Just... IMITATES JABBA

0:53:320:53:34

Every so often, the screen goes dark, you catch your own reflection.

0:53:340:53:37

You're like, "Oh, fucking hell!"

0:53:370:53:38

IMITATES JABBA

0:53:410:53:44

That's how you watch TV, right?

0:53:440:53:46

But we're watching Gogglebox, and they're like,

0:53:460:53:48

"Banter, banter, banter, banter".

0:53:480:53:49

And my wife turns to me, and says, "Why is it not like this?

0:53:490:53:52

"Why is it not like this?"

0:53:520:53:55

I'll tell you why it's not like this - because we switched on the TV

0:53:550:53:57

so we don't have to talk to each other.

0:53:570:53:59

I mean, that is the whole point of television.

0:53:590:54:01

I think that is why it was invented, to be honest. I've got my phone

0:54:010:54:03

here, you're third in line in terms of my level of attention.

0:54:030:54:07

It's not my wife's fault that she's third in line,

0:54:110:54:13

it's just she's not as interesting as a phone.

0:54:130:54:15

And I'm not saying that as a slur on her, and neither are you.

0:54:150:54:17

None of you are as interesting... And neither am I.

0:54:170:54:20

Some of you have been looking at your phones while I've been on.

0:54:200:54:22

I don't blame you, they're very addictive.

0:54:220:54:24

The rest of you have just been going,

0:54:240:54:26

(IMITATES GOLLUM:) "Can't wait to check my messages.

0:54:260:54:28

"My precious!" I understand that.

0:54:300:54:33

Cos phones are incredible. They're amazing.

0:54:340:54:37

They're the most important things to us.

0:54:370:54:39

Who's an iPhone user in here?

0:54:390:54:40

CHEERING

0:54:400:54:41

Who's an Android phone user in here?

0:54:410:54:43

CHEERING

0:54:430:54:44

Aren't Android phone users pricks?

0:54:440:54:46

I hate them, I hate them, man.

0:54:460:54:48

I hate them.

0:54:480:54:50

They think they're part of some sort of alternative lifestyle,

0:54:500:54:53

these guys. They're so smug.

0:54:530:54:55

They think they are part of some sort of underground movement,

0:54:550:54:58

these pricks. You say to them, "You got an iPhone?"

0:54:580:55:00

CHUCKLES "No!

0:55:000:55:02

"I think I'll make up my own mind about what phone I buy,

0:55:020:55:04

"thank you very much. I'm not a sheep."

0:55:040:55:07

You're not off the grid.

0:55:070:55:08

You haven't unplugged from the matrix

0:55:100:55:12

because you've bought a fucking Samsung.

0:55:120:55:15

All right? It's a massive company.

0:55:150:55:17

It's not a little family-owned business,

0:55:170:55:19

two brothers, Sam and Sung, set up a little market stall...

0:55:190:55:23

APPLAUSE

0:55:230:55:25

..In their front garden to knock out phones.

0:55:270:55:29

It's a massive company. You're not better than me.

0:55:290:55:31

My wife gets annoyed because she sees it as a personal insult that

0:55:310:55:35

I prefer looking at the phone to sometimes looking at her.

0:55:350:55:38

We've actually got proper quality time arranged,

0:55:380:55:40

do you know what I mean? Like, Andy's got the kids.

0:55:400:55:42

And we have...

0:55:420:55:43

We're sat at a table, having a meal.

0:55:470:55:50

Two tables down, there's a couple.

0:55:500:55:51

They're both looking at their phones.

0:55:510:55:53

My wife starts getting super-judgemental,

0:55:530:55:55

just looking across, like, "Oh, my God.

0:55:550:55:57

"Ha!

0:55:570:55:58

"Look at these two, look at these two.

0:55:580:56:00

"Look at these two!

0:56:000:56:02

"Come out, just looking at their phones."

0:56:030:56:05

HE CHUCKLES

0:56:050:56:06

"What is the point?

0:56:060:56:08

"What is the point of coming out if you're just going to

0:56:080:56:11

"look at your phones?

0:56:110:56:12

"They've not looked at each other, not looked at the menus.

0:56:120:56:14

"I don't know. Isn't that a shame? Isn't that a shame?

0:56:140:56:17

"It's such... Isn't that a shame.

0:56:180:56:20

"I just... HE TUTS

0:56:200:56:22

"Honestly. Ha!

0:56:220:56:24

"Honestly, ten minutes I've been watching these two, and...

0:56:250:56:29

"They're just looking at their phones. What a waste of time!

0:56:290:56:32

"What's the point of coming out?

0:56:320:56:33

"Have you seen this...? Romesh.

0:56:330:56:35

"Romesh, put the phone down. Romesh!

0:56:350:56:38

"Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh.

0:56:380:56:42

"Put the phone... Romesh, Romesh, Romesh.

0:56:420:56:46

"Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh,

0:56:460:56:48

"Romesh, Romesh, Romesh. Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh,

0:56:480:56:52

"Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh, Romesh...

0:56:520:56:55

"Jonathan!"

0:56:550:56:57

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:56:580:57:01

"Have you seen these two looking at their phones?

0:57:050:57:08

"They're just looking at their phones the whole time.

0:57:080:57:10

"Isn't it a shame?" "No, it isn't.

0:57:100:57:12

"They're having a much better time than us.

0:57:120:57:13

"They're streamlining their entertainment,

0:57:130:57:16

"you're shouting my name like a nut-job."

0:57:160:57:18

I think the thing that I find the most annoying about Android

0:57:200:57:24

phone users is the fact they love - they LOVE -

0:57:240:57:28

talking about the battery life on the iPhone.

0:57:280:57:31

It's like a hobby for these guys.

0:57:310:57:33

"I imagine you're looking for a plug point."

0:57:330:57:35

IMITATES LAUGHTER

0:57:350:57:37

Shut up, you twat.

0:57:370:57:38

"Day and a half, still on 37%."

0:57:410:57:44

That's because nobody fucking calls you, that's why.

0:57:440:57:47

APPLAUSE

0:57:500:57:52

Let me tell you something.

0:57:520:57:54

The shit battery life on the iPhone is the best thing about it.

0:57:540:57:57

Because I've got no willpower.

0:57:570:57:58

When that runs out, then I'll interact with my kids.

0:57:580:58:01

I'll be sat down the park with my kids, and I'll be like,

0:58:020:58:04

"Oh, shit, that's run out.

0:58:040:58:06

"Oh, fuck".

0:58:060:58:08

"Oh, shit".

0:58:110:58:13

HE SIGHS

0:58:130:58:15

"Suppose I'd better see where they're going with those old men".

0:58:160:58:19

APPLAUSE

0:58:190:58:23

Ladies and gentlemen of the Apollo,

0:58:260:58:27

thank you so much for coming out tonight.

0:58:270:58:29

APPLAUSE

0:58:290:58:32

I really appreciate it. Thank you so much!

0:58:320:58:34

I'll see you next time.

0:58:380:58:40

My mum's over there somewhere. Hello, Mum.

0:58:400:58:42

CHEERING

0:58:420:58:44

That's my mum.

0:58:440:58:45

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out.

0:58:490:58:51

I'll see you next time.

0:58:510:58:52

I've been Romesh Ranganathan. Goodnight!

0:58:520:58:54

The BBC's Asian Provocateur Romesh Ranganathan performs his debut live stand-up show, recorded in front of a sell-out audience at London's Hammersmith Apollo.

The Bafta-nominated star takes shots at everyone, from his kids to a stranger in a coffee shop. This highly anticipated tour perfectly showcases his acerbic take on the world around him.


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