2017 A Year in the Life of a Year


2017

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language and adult humour

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2017 has been an eventful year in more ways than one.

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In fact, in terms of eventful years, 2017 has been up there with 2007,

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1997,

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1987...

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More for takeout.

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..and 1649.

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2017 was the year of blockbuster movies...

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..show stopping moments...

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And that is one boob, that's the weight of one boob.

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..hard-hitting drama...

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SHE SOBS VIOLENTLY

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..overpaid men,

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..underpaid women...

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SNEEZING

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-..thrills...

-It's tiger poo.

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..spills...

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..dirty bastards, and sad goodbyes.

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Oh, shit.

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So join me, Rhys Thomas OBE,

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as I take a look back at what I consider to be

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the cultural highlights of 2017.

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-Through film...

-Well, I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in breadcrumbs.

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..music...

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-..TV...

-It's cheap, cheap, cheap.

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Fucking hell.

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..and stuff like that.

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Wanker.

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So, why not start at the very beginning of the year itself -

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September?

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EASTENDERS THEME MUSIC

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The soap event of the year had to be EastEnders,

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with a nail-biting week of Christopher Timothy

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and explosive events, literally.

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-Stacey!

-I'll look after you, darling.

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-Oh, sweetheart.

-Stacey.

-Stay back.

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-Mr Price.

-Matt.

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-Phil.

-Michelle.

-Stacey!

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-Watson?

-Dad?

-Stacey!

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-Jay!

-Phil.

-Stacey!

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-Stephen!

-Martin.

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-Abi.

-Jane?

-Stephen.

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Stacey!

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-Stephen.

-Abi.

-Lauren!

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-Dad.

-Laura.

-Stacey!

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Calm down.

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Meanwhile, across the pond,

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two of EastEnders's favourite characters

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got their own series for Netflix.

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I'm an East End girl. We pour this stuff on our cornflakes.

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But actor Shane Richards was quick to tell everyone

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-it was not a spin-off of EastEnders.

-It's not a spin-off.

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It's six stand alone drama...

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You've got your own spin-off series now, haven't you?

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You know what it is, Susanna?

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It's not a spin-off. People are trying to call it a spin-off.

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It's not a spin-off. It's nothing to do with EastEnders.

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MODIFIED EASTENDERS THEME MUSIC

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I think I'm seeing things.

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-What?

-I got scared tonight.

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Like...something was coming.

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EASTENDERS' DOOFS

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2017 was the era of Ore Oduba from Dorset.

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It's the charming Ore Oduba!

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There is nothing this man cannot do.

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He can dance...

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-..present...

-It just seemed appropriate.

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..dance...

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..act...

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..dance...

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-..present...

-Welcome to Manchester, everybody.

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..act...

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..dance...

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-..act...

-I am strong.

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..dance...dance...

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..dance. And dance.

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However, when it came to answering questions on Mastermind,

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he was shit.

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-And your name is?

-Ore Oduba.

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Your chosen charity?

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-Repeat the question?

-Your chosen charity.

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I'm going to get stick for this.

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RSPB. And your chosen subject?

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Um, it's not coming, John.

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Pass.

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In May, The Voice moved to BBC

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and Judge Tom Jones appeared on This Morning to promote it.

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But the topic turned to something a little more personal for Tom.

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You were born with this, weren't you?

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-This was called bladder exstrophy?

-Yes, exactly.

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-So you had testicles.

-Oh, yeah.

-Right.

-I still do.

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-Yeah.

-You've never actually

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-officially had them measured, have you?

-Well, it's not my choice.

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-Oh.

-Well, you had three operations.

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When you had these polypropylene implants put in.

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Now this is a procedure that's banned now,

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you can't have it any more.

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They say, "Well, if you want to do it, you know, we can put them..."

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You know what I mean, they put it all on me.

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Nobody was sort of with me.

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The other question that everyone was asking was - why?

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I need to feel that it's real.

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That it's not fake.

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But with that comes the added initial problem

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that to test that it works you have to have a two-week erection.

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I, you know, of course, in that respect,

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I should have stopped, like, a couple of days before.

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But why didn't they give me some more notice than that?

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This is...this is, you know, it's not common,

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but there will be people who have this,

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that there is now a way forward.

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I can, I can sort of help others with the experience that I've had.

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Tom, it's lovely to see you. Good luck.

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In October, following a dip in the ratings,

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the BBC allowed alcohol on the set of Question Time

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to spice things up a bit.

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I'll take one more point and then we'll go on.

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From the woman, the woman there, in the gangway.

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Or is it the man on the gangway?

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-Yes, you.

-Yeah. Can I go to the toilet please?

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Fraser Nelson.

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Well... I... No, actually.

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What?

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HE STUMBLES

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OK. Can you pick up on what Fraser said?

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Fraser, I think we should establish a couple of principles.

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-First of which is that while the...the... So, York...

-OK.

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I'm sorry. I think we should go on.

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Thank you very much. Do another question.

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OK.

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What the fuck is Brexit all about?

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You should just get them out.

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Get them out. Get them all out.

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Good question. That's why we're having a review.

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-One of the answers...

-Hang on, you you introduced it, so...

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He also said in that...

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Get them out! Get them out!

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Have you got any nibbles?

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-Just get them out!

-I think you ought to leave, you know.

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Get them out!

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2017 marks the 20th anniversary

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of the biggest film of all time, Titanic,

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James Cameron's epic fantasy about a cruise ship from olden times

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that sunk, starring Billy Zane.

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But it was Billy's co-stars, Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio,

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who stole the show.

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This is the bit where he draws her naked.

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HE EXHALES

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Considering this was a 12 certificate in the cinema

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at the time, a lot of people thought it was a bit too rude.

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Personally, I thought it was romantic.

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Glastonbury celebrated its 45th anniversary this summer

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and an unexpected star dazzled the crowd on the triangle stage.

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Here he is, Jeremy Corbyn!

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NU METAL MUSIC

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Rise like lions after slumber

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In unvanquishable number

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Shake your chains to earth like dew

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Which in sleep had fallen on you

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Ye are many, they are few.

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Peace is possible and must be achieved.

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Ye are many, they are few.

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Build bridges, not walls!

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In March, Comic Relief raised millions for charity

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with an all-star Broadchurch comedy special, starring Lenny Henry,

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the Fast Show's Charlie Higson, Roy Hudd from Huddlines,

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Peep Show's Olivia Colman,

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John Bishop,

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her from W1A,

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him from Horrible Histories,

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and Robbie Coltrane.

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What was your fight with Jim Attwood about?

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MAKES SQUAWKING SOUND

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What was the fight about?

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MAKES SQUAWKING SOUND

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CANNED LAUGHTER

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How did the fight end?

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MAKES SQUAWKING SOUND

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CANNED LAUGHTER

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If comedians weren't acting this year, they were in the studio

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trying to forge a career in classical music.

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Peter Kay and Keith Lemon had a go

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but it was Armstrong and Miller, from Armstrong and Miller,

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who had the biggest smash.

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# Golden brown, texture like sun

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# Lays me down, with my mind she runs

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# Throughout the night, no need to fight

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# Never a frown with golden brown... #

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I said I really want to do something that people who know their musical

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onions will listen to and not think, "Ugh, that's just ugh."

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It should be something that is...

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..that is whole and genuine.

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# Never a frown with golden brown... #

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For example, in Golden Brown,

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there was always a slight baroque sheen to it.

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You've got this high bassoon and you hear it, you think, "What is that?"

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It has a sort of timbre of a French horn,

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slightly timbre of a cor anglais but, no, it's a bassoon.

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But there's an extra sort of thing a sort of...

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MAKES COUGHING AND YAWNING SOUNDS

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And you listen to it and think, "Oh!"

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Boom!

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"Oh, that's the thing I've been listening to, that!"

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But, ah! So I really made sure that it would just sound good.

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I quite like...quite like hearing the noise I make.

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-PARTY BLOWER

-Yeah. Amazing.

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His version of Golden Brown was number one for one consecutive month,

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thanks to its iconic use in Danny Boyle's unnecessary sequel to

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Trainspotting.

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# Golden brown

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# Golden brown, never, never a frown

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# With golden brown

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# Ah

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# Never, never a frown. #

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In June, the BBC announced that the new Doctor Who

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was to be Jodie Whittaker,

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but any concerns that having a female doctor would change

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the programme were quickly put to rest by the new title sequence.

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-GIRLIE:

-# Doctor Who

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# Dancing in the TARDIS... #

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It's Doctor Who!

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July. This summer saw big budget blockbusters

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like The Mummy and King Arthur

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die on their arses despite star turns from Tom Cruise,

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-Russell Crowe...

-It's not me that wants to kill you, it's Henry.

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..and David Beckham.

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HE ROARS

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In fact, it was low-budget horror films that enticed audiences

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and made huge profits.

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Things like this one, 47 Meters Down,

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a film about two girls trapped underwater in a faulty cage...

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With sharks.

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12 Feet Down, a film about two girls trapped underwater

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in a faulty swimming pool...

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..without sharks.

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SHE COUGHS

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Hello! Hello!

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AUDIBLE BUBBLING

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And Get Down. No sharks.

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HE STRUGGLES

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LEN GOODMAN'S PARTNERS IN RHYME THEME MUSIC

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# There's been rhymes from the start of time

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# Get a word or a name, one that sounds the same

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# Poems, sonnets, limericks, verses

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# Rhymes in love and rhymes in curses

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# Ready, steady, let's go

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# Three, two, one, let's get on with the show! #

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This game is all rhyme and no reason.

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Let me show you how it works.

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Take a look at this picture and find the rhyme.

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Harrison Ford writing on a chalkboard.

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-If you've got the time...

-AUDIENCE:

-Len's got the rhyme!

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Mr Oduba is here to play, so, welcome, please, my mate Ore.

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APPLAUSE

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Oh.

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In August, one of our finest actors returned to the small screen

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in a harrowing tale of every parent's worst nightmare...

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-Kate.

-..losing a child in Sainsbury's.

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Has anyone seen a little girl, a four-year-old girl?

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She was wearing a yellow coat. She's called Kate.

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No? Please? Kate?

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Kate!

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MUSIC: The Heat Is On by Glenn Frey

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# The heat is on

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# On the street

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# Inside your head

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# On every beat

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# The heat is... #

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But the best bit was when he went in the woods.

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INCOHERENT RAMBLING

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Sweet Jesus.

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Fuck.

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Fuck's sake.

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In April, the TV adaption of Handmaid Stories

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set the world on fire.

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In PD James's shocking tale of a dyso-topian future,

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single chicks were forced to wear strange clothes

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and have sex in a funny way.

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This critically acclaimed series

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went on to win every award going and I loved it.

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Though I only watched the first one.

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This year, another Disney classic

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got the live-action treatment in Beauty And The Beast.

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DODGY WARBLING Emma Thompson was the daft old kettle,

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Dan Stevens the bear...

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..and the delightful Emma Watson played a beautiful Belle.

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Many people criticised Emma Watson's singing voice

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but I thought it was lovely.

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-OFF-KEY:

-# I want adventure in the great, white somewhere

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# I want it more than I can tell

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# And for once it might be grand

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# To have someone understand

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# I want so much more than they've got ba-a-a-a-a-a.... #

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CBeebies Bedtime Story.

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This year, Hollywood came to the CBeebies channel,

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as some of the biggest stars read classic stories for kids.

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Tonight's story is called Peace At Last.

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Snore.

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Snore.

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Meow.

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H-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m...

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HE CONTINUES HUMMING

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HE CONTINUES HUMMING

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Brrrr!

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I'll see you soon for another Bedtime Story.

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But it was old Jackanory favourite Martin Jarvis

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-who turned a few heads...

-Hello.

-..when he read this story.

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Have you ever been possessed by the devil?

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I should hope not.

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Today's bedtime story is all about a little girl called Regan,

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who gets taken over by a nasty demon.

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It's called The Exorcist and it's written by William Peter Blatty.

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"Put your sanctified cock in the piglet's mouth and cleanse it!"

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Regan then showered the Jesuit with more vomit.

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-"Do you know what she did, your

-BLEEP

-daughter?"

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HE GROANS

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Bye.

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2017 was a year of ground-breaking documentaries.

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Some of the best I've ever seen, in fact.

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The one I enjoyed the most was Channel 4's Feral Families,

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a show about feral families, where parents prove that bringing up kids

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with no rules had its benefits.

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Better to not have any rules.

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No rules means you can do whatever you want.

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I know there's no rules, but you've got to clean the slide!

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-Cow!

-You...!

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SIZZLING, CHILD SCREAMS

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But the most disturbing documentary of the year had to be

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What Makes A Psycho... Path.

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Some of these are very dark acts indeed so, be prepared,

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these interviews are very graphic and some of them very disturbing.

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HE MAKES ANIMAL SOUNDS

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HE WHOOPS AND SHOUTS

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HE CONTINUES MAKING ANIMAL SOUNDS

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We'll be revisiting these interviews and explore why these men committed

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these abominable crimes, and how they feel about them now.

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MONKEY SOUNDS

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Fuck you, Dwayne. Fuck you, Mike Dunners.

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2017 was the year of long-awaited sequels...

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Is that a monkey?

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..as the king of the Jungle returned in Skull Island.

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I don't want to splash about in the bath with anyone else.

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Dench was back as craggy granny Mrs Brown in Mrs Brown II.

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But we'd been waiting three decades for this one.

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What do you want?

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Karina Foley, hall monitor.

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Now let's take a few moments to think about those who we sadly

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lost in 2017.

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Sir Roger Moore.

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Sir Bruce Forsyth.

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Sir John Hurt.

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Sir Tom Petty.

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Sir Barry Norman.

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Liz Dawn.

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Batman.

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Here are some more.

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BELL TOLLS

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Now, how do you tell a crime story backwards and maintain the suspense?

0:22:300:22:35

That's the challenge for BBC One's latest dark drama, Killer.

0:22:350:22:40

From the writers of The Missing,

0:22:410:22:43

the first episode opens at the end with the prime suspect caught.

0:22:430:22:47

The series moves backwards in time

0:22:470:22:49

through a string of gruesome murders.

0:22:490:22:52

The back to front storyline proved an irritation for many of you.

0:22:520:22:56

Following the success of Rellik,

0:23:090:23:10

other dramas decided to do things backwards, too.

0:23:100:23:13

Yecats!

0:23:250:23:26

In December, some of our greatest sporting people

0:23:290:23:31

gathered to honour the dullest sportsperson

0:23:310:23:34

of the year in the BBC's

0:23:340:23:36

Non-sports Personality Of The Year Award 2017.

0:23:360:23:41

And the BBC Sports Personality Of The Year is Andy Murray.

0:23:420:23:46

Andy, I'm sure you'd like to say a few words.

0:23:510:23:53

Um, you know, um...

0:23:540:23:57

..um...

0:23:580:24:00

..er...

0:24:000:24:02

..um...

0:24:020:24:04

..um...yeah.

0:24:060:24:08

Well, we certainly wish you well, Andy,

0:24:100:24:12

thanks very much for joining us.

0:24:120:24:13

Here in Birmingham representing...

0:24:150:24:17

-TALKS OVER HER:

-Stay with us, as The Apprentice final

0:24:170:24:20

is next here on BBC One.

0:24:200:24:21

We're all heading off to Andy's pool.

0:24:210:24:24

Have a great Christmas and good night.

0:24:240:24:26

In November, Kevin Spacey got into some real hot water.

0:24:280:24:31

Now Ross King is in LA for us.

0:24:310:24:33

Ross, very good morning to you.

0:24:340:24:36

-Hi.

-What's the buzz there about Spacey?

0:24:360:24:38

Well, the buzz for...

0:24:380:24:40

HE MUMBLES

0:24:400:24:41

..buzz in Hollywood is that it's shocked.

0:24:410:24:43

Kevin was subsequently cut from every film he's ever appeared in

0:24:430:24:47

and replaced by Christopher Plummer, who's as clean as a whistle.

0:24:470:24:50

2017 was a wonderful year for music of all kinds.

0:24:540:24:59

# When the rain is blowing in your face... #

0:24:590:25:03

And some of pop's biggest stars changed their image.

0:25:030:25:06

Katy Perry went and had a haircut.

0:25:070:25:08

Taylor Swift went all naughty.

0:25:100:25:12

And Sam Smith went like this.

0:25:140:25:16

-HIGH PITCHED:

-# Do your best, take a chance

0:25:190:25:23

# Get a dream, it may get real... #

0:25:230:25:27

# Sexy boxer... #

0:25:270:25:28

In terms of sales, though,

0:25:300:25:31

the most successful artist of the year was British

0:25:310:25:33

singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran.

0:25:330:25:35

# Scary black lady

0:25:370:25:39

# Teach me to fight and love... #

0:25:390:25:42

At one point, he had 15 songs in the top ten.

0:25:430:25:46

# Put your fingers up my bum with your clothes still on, yeah... #

0:25:470:25:51

Not far behind him was the Rag'n'Bone Guy.

0:25:530:25:56

# I'm only human after all, don't put the blame on me... #

0:25:560:26:01

And his sensational follow-up to Humans

0:26:010:26:03

proved he was more than a one-hit wonder.

0:26:030:26:06

-HIGH PITCHED:

-# Oh, chiquitita, yeah, chiquitita

0:26:060:26:11

# Hold me chiquitita

0:26:110:26:14

# Love me chiquitita... #

0:26:140:26:17

# Sleight bells ring... #

0:26:170:26:18

Finally this week,

0:26:180:26:20

Armstrong and Miller, from Armstrong and Miller,

0:26:200:26:22

was crowned king of the Christmas number one

0:26:220:26:24

with this charity single in aid of hunchbacked dogs.

0:26:240:26:28

# Walking in a winter wonderland

0:26:280:26:31

# Gone away

0:26:310:26:33

# Is the bluebird

0:26:330:26:35

# Here to stay is a new bird... #

0:26:350:26:37

Well, that's all we've got time for in 2017.

0:26:370:26:40

I'll see you the same time next year, I hope, in 2018.

0:26:400:26:43

Happy New Year.

0:26:430:26:45

# In the meadow we can build a snowman

0:26:450:26:48

# Then pretend that he is Parson Brown... #

0:26:480:26:51

# To face unafraid

0:27:080:27:10

# The plans that we made

0:27:100:27:12

# Walking in a winter wonderland. #

0:27:120:27:14

BARK BARK!

0:27:140:27:15

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