Cold Turkey Absolutely Fabulous

# Wheels on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode. #

-What is that?

-The Christmas tree.

Yeah...but, darling...

What?

Plastique.

-It's realistic.

-I will suspend my disbelief of Father Crimbo, darling,

-but not for that bare old hairbrush. Come on.

-It's ecological.

Until you burn it. Hideous, sweetheart, hideous.

I'm just trying to make it a nice Christmas, darling, for...for little Lola and you.

It is my first family Christmas at home, isn't it, sweetheart? Ho-ho!

Anyway, I've... MOTOR REVS UP

-What have you done?

-Nothing. Oh, it's a surprise. REVVING

-It's a surprise!

-Let me in!

-It's a surprise.

-Mum, let me in.

-No.

There you go. I had to take the top off to fit it in. Two for the price of one.

-Cheers.

-Yeah, see you, then.

-God, it didn't look that big in the forest, darling.

-Where is it from? It's disgusting!

Darling, it's from the special Green Peace and the Friends Of The Earth...

Somewhere in Scandinavia. Anyway, it would just have ended up as cheap furniture in Ikea.

It looked quite small from the helicopter.

-Get it out.

-Can't, darling. Man's taken the crane away now.

-Edi, Edi...

-Is that Pats?

-Edi, where are you?

-Pats!

-Edi.

Follow my voice! Hello, hello, hello!

Oh, sweetheart! Patsy, darling!

-Where am I? Where have I been?

-Oh, they must have picked you up on the way in, darling.

-Oh, honey! Look - squirrel, squirrel, squirrel!

-Squirrel!

-Oh, darling. That's realistic, isn't it? Better than plastique.

-Come downstairs, I need to talk to you.

Nightmare in Gucci and Prada.

It's become so.... Oh, thank you.

It's become so common. I blame Martine McCutcheon.

-Yes.

-You have to queue to get in - queue to get in -

and then it's like Petticoat Lane, shouting and chewing...

-IN COCKNEY ACCENT:

-"Oi, Tracey, how do I look? Pass us a couple of belts, will you?

"And a Gucci shoehorn."

Oh, so very, very common, lost all its chic.

One trip down Bond Street, suddenly she's a duchess. Look at her.

-What did you get?

-Whatever I could rip from a Sharon's greedy grasp.

Please don't send me there again.

-I won't. ..Darling, I've got to go downstairs and see Saffy.

-OK, I'll come with you.

-No, it's all right.

-No, I'll come with you.

Oh, Bollinger...

Well, I suppose, if I must.

I don't mind Tiffany's, although I did see Amanda Holden in there sniffing around.

Oh, new wealth - so very, very common.

# Ah, ah-ah!

# Ah, ah, ah. #

Mum, I need that room tidy by tonight because we are eating in there tomorrow.

-It will be tidy. I've only got to do my wrapping.

-Oh, Edi, Edi...

Sit down.

Look, I'm not angry. I know what you're trying to do - it's just too much.

The reason I like the plastic tree is because it's ours.

It's like an old friend.

-I know it doesn't look good, but it's special.

-It's horrible.

-And each decoration...

-Darling,

-it just could be so much nicer, don't you understand?

-We do Christmas every year.

-Yes.

We have our way of doing it. Don't come here like a huge corporation and dynamite away our culture.

Where have we gone now? Where are we in the world?

-You have to be sensitive.

-I am.

-You see, Christmas is always the same.

We do the same things at the same times, and it's lovely.

It just could be so much better, though, darling, don't you think?

-Only in your terms.

-All right, all right, all right.

What is it you do? What's happening here?

-Well, today I start the stuffing for the turkey.

-Oh, but I've...

No, I cancelled the caterers.

Oh, darling. I was going to save you all this work, that's all, sweetheart.

We want to do it, we like doing it.

-It is possible to have a good time AND do the work. In fact, doing it IS having a good time.

-Sweetheart.

-Help me.

-All right, Saffy.

Don't!

-That's raw sausage meat.

-Well, it's quite nice, darling.

There was always more stuffing in your mother at Christmas than there was in the turkey.

Christmas is about doing things,

-and the meal will taste better because you've done it yourself.

-Ugh.

That's the theory they have at rehab. It works for me.

"Would you like a drink?" "I would." "Pour it yourself." "Yes, I will," "Thank you."

-Cheers, darling.

-Cheers.

Why isn't she doing the stuffing, darling? She's good at stuffing.

Last year she stuffed the turkey with the contents of her handbag and most of the Christmas pudding.

-Mum, stop eating it.

-No, I like it.

Granddad...

always put his false teeth in the turkey's bottom

to make it look as if he was smiling.

"It's Princess Anne!" he used to say.

Oh, how we laughed.

Oh, I wonder where I put them.

# Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o... #

-Stop now, Mum.

-# ..oria

# Blah, blah in o-blah-blah. #

Christmas songs, Mama singing Christmas songs.

-Edi, is that an atoll?

-What?

-Is that an atoll?

-Yeah, that's an atoll.

-A finger of sand poking up in the Indian Ocean, and it's got a resort on it.

A nipple of land the size of a table and suddenly there's a Four Season's resort on stilts in it!

I mean, two people get in the sea, the whole thing's flooded!

You have to use scuba equipment just to get to the lobby.

We'll go there next year, yeah?

What exactly is this for, dear, and where does it go?

-It goes upstairs, Gran.

-Oh, right.

-So, darling, Father Christmas comes tonight, doesn't he?

-Yes.

-And we have drinks in the evening.

-Yes.

-Then go to church.

-Yes.

-Then we open stockings next morning in bed.

-Father Christmas brings the stockings, doesn't he, darling?

Well, I've always just done my own.

Naughty Father Christmas.

Naughty Father Christmas, darling. And for lunch, sweetheart,

-for Christmas lunch - who comes to that?

-There will be me and John.

-Yes, yes.

Is he from Gabon?

-What?

-Is he from Gabon?

-Gabon?

-Yes, is he from Gabon?

-Why are you saying that?

-Gabon.

-Will you stop saying that now?

-Ask her if he's from Gabon.

-Is he from Gabon?

-No.

-..He's not from Gabon, so shut up.

Darling, Christmas lunch, darling - who's there?

-Who's coming?

-Bo and Marshall.

-Yeah, yeah.

-And Dad.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Gran and Jane.

-Yes, yes, yes.

-Edi, Edi, Edi, Edi, come on!

You haven't told her, have you?

-Everything will be fine, just keep going. Who's coming to lunch?

-Me,

-John.

-Yes.

-Dad.

-Yes.

-Gran.

-Yes.

-Jane, Bo and Marshall

-and you.

-Oh, are you inviting me for Christmas lunch, darling?

-Oh, Saff just invited me for Christmas lunch, darling! Saff just, er...

-What, Edi?

"And Patsy". Say, "And Patsy."

-And Patsy! Oh, darling - you as well, she said.

-What?

-Inviting us to Christmas lunch, darling.

-No, Edi, we're going away.

-But, darling...

-We always go away.

-We can just be here for a little Christmas...

-No.

-For little Lola. For Lola.

-We could just be here for Christmas, sweetheart, couldn't we?

-When were you going to tell her?

-Oh, shut up! I understand this process! Just you shut up.

-Edi, I can't. Give me the ticket.

I haven't got any tickets.

We're staying here for Christmas.

Yeah.

Well, you handled that very badly,

-very badly, darling.

-Sometimes you beggar belief.

-Yeah, I know.

-Pats...

-I can't, Edi, I won't! I hate Christmas.

How cruel this time is, with its ghastly pretence at festivity,

its life twinkling in cruel mockery, like the eyes of my Spanish gypsy boy.

SHE SOBS

Where is he now?

Why am I banished here with no-one to love me?

Mother?

Oh, it's you, Patricia.

What do you want?

I, I, er...

WHAT?

Spit it out, or I'll wash it down with absinthe.

Happy Christmas.

NO!

Why...why have you done this?!

It must be kept out.

We must not let it in.

Why have you brought this poison in?

You are tainted with their gluttony

and...and insincerity, and urbanity

and punctilio.

Sorry.

Oh, I lament your pain and your useless pitying.

But I, like a ship at harbour, too long have been riding my ropes

and now cast off the fetterhood of motherdom.

Where are you going?

I'm going down the Golden Calf, with Burrell, Maurice and Lydia,

to drink...

and to play out the unfinished drama of my soul.

I won't be home.

If Betty May comes over, the skinned rabbit is in the kitchen.

-Keep it out.

-Keep it out!

I'll go on my own. At least I won't have to see your fat, white body in a bikini, like a beached whale.

Oh, thank you.

-Aargh! Oh, Edi...

-Here we go, here we go.

Oh, Edi. Edi...

Here we go. Oh, yeah... Oh, dear. Just leave her. Leave her, I know what she's doing, I know what...

You're supposed to be putting them on, not taking them off, stupid woman.

Christmas comes around so quickly. It's hard to know where you are.

Oh, just go on. Just...

It's supposed to be a Christmas tree, not the Blair Witch Project. Look at this.

-And you can get up there, put the star on.

-I'm no good with heights.

-Get up there now.

-I think I see an eagle circling.

Saff, come and help! We're putting the star on, darling, come and look.

I'm scared, scared...

-scared.

-Saff, we're putting the star on the top, darling.

-Oh, my God.

-What's happened to her?

-She's collapsed. It's quite normal.

-Leave her, leave her. Look - star on top, sweetheart.

Oh, I've not been this scared since I lost me teeth on the Cat And Mouse at Blackpool.

-Look...

-We have to do something - she's very cold.

-We have to increase her temperature.

-I'll get her reviver.

If the patient's temperature is too low, we have to treat it by warming her up.

-You have to take her to hospital.

-Come on, it's not funny any more. Get up!

SIREN

-Patsy, can you hear me?

-What are you giving her?

What are you giving her there? What is that? Oxygen? I want that.

She's all right. Pats, wake up! We have to go back - it's Christmas.

THUD!

Ow, I hurt my head.

I need a stretcher, I want another stretcher, like that one.

I'm sick too. I want oxygen, I want the oxygen.

OK, what's the story here?

-65-year-old woman found collapsed.

-I'm 43.

Follow that trolley! Um...

This is ridiculous, this is stupid! What is this, Eastern Europe?

Little bit hurt, little bit hurt.

I need some crutches.

Crutches... Oh...

Pats!

And I'm partial to an injection of adrenalin straight into the heart.

That's good to know, Miss Stone.

-What's the matter with you?

-I don't know - just had a funny turn.

I'd rather be here than having Christmas. A few days on drugs, lovely.

-Can I go?

-Only if you pass me my chart.

-Oh.

-I want to write down some things that I must have. Could you read that?

-"Smoking contains benzene..."

-Benzene.

-"Nitrosamines."

-Nitrosamines.

-"Formaldehydes."

-And cyanide.

-"And cyanide."

Thanks, darling, put that back.

I'd stay here, but I've got so much to do.

Well, go.

Excuse me. It's just that Miss Stone...she's extremely unwell.

-I'M unwell.

-Do you know who her next of kin is so we can inform them?

Oh, yeah, she's got a sister called Jackie - that's it, that's it.

Well, you can cross Patsy off your Christmas lunch list, darling, they've put her on a bleep machine.

Oh, sorry.

-Are you? Really?

-Well, it is Christmas.

-What's that got to do with it?

-Time to forgive and forget.

-I'd better get on with my wrapping.

-Nobody needs much, don't go over the top.

I'm not over the top, darling.

About little Lola's present - you know you said wendy house?

-Well, darling, Bubble wondered if that was a Barratt home.

-No.

No, I said not.

I didn't get one, I said no.

-What have you got for Mama, darling? What have you got for me?

-I'm not telling you.

-But if it's, you know...

-It's the thought that counts.

It's just the thought I'm worried about, darling.

-Because if the thought is Yardley...

-Stop it!

I have overbought and there's plenty of stuff in my room that I'd like.

Can you just go?

And I don't eat Brussels sprouts. They make me a bit...pth...you know.

Don't use too much paper. Just make it meet. It doesn't have to be...

Scrooge!

Don't use too much ribbon either. That's expensive.

Look at it. Who would want to give this all away?

-Who did I buy that for?

-The old woman.

Oh, my mother.

It's a bit big, that scarf. It's a bit big for her. She won't want all that now.

-Will she? She won't want it all now.

-Common! Common miser!

We'll just leave the rest for next year, just wrap that.

Merry Christmas,

I suppose are the appropriate words to use this time of year.

No - she's in a coma, you fool! Anyway, Patsy doesn't do Christmas.

-Oh.

-Didn't you know?

-Yes.

"Are you very ill?"

is the next subject that springs to mind.

-No, she's...

-Hello.

-Oh.

-She's having a rest.

-Recuperation.

-Recuperation.

That's quite hard for you to say, isn't it? Say it again.

-Recuperation.

-Again.

-No.

-What are you doing here?

-I brought you a small gift.

-Oh, yes, it's from both of us. What is it?

-It's nothing.

-Go on - open it. It's a trifle, a trinket.

-No, really - it's nothing.

Open it now. It's from me, mainly.

I told you - just some lovely packaging.

-Can you turn up that drip?

-I'll do it.

-Oh. Oh? Oh!

-You couldn't possibly understand them.

MONITOR FLATLINES

It's an arrest. Let's shock her.

Give me 200, nurse.

Charging. Stand clear.

No, nothing. 360. Charging. Stand clear.

Hold it.

Oh, that was fantastic.

At least you'll get more than a hamper this Christmas.

-There's nothing wrong with hampers.

-If you like anchovies, potted meat and marmalade.

They scrape everything up that doesn't sell and put it in a Christmas ham...

We're always grateful for them.

-I've blistered my lip with all my wrapping.

-Oh, dear.

Will you stop shaking everything? I'll get your stick and you can beat it to death as well!

How did you manage the procreation?

Well, these things happen.

When you first met her, did you think that she was a man?

Certainly not.

Because I was wondering, what do you feel when you look at a man?

The same as when you see a woman.

Well, when I look at a woman, if she's gorgeous,

then I think about intimate relations.

But when I look at a man, even if he's gorgeous - nothing.

Now, when I look at Saffron, I think about maximum intimate relations.

But when I look at her mother, Edininia - nothing.

So I was wondering if, when you had intimate relations with her,

-you thought that she was a man.

-That may well explain it.

Saff, I'm bringing in something now but it's not for you.

It's coming in but it's not for you.

It's not as big as it looks. It's not as big as it looks.

All right, sweetheart. It's not for you, it's for Lola, darling.

Listen... BELLS RATTLE It's not a reindeer.

Sweetheart, darling, got your thing from me. Got your thing for you, darling.

Da-nee! This is for you, sweetheart. It's a stocking. Is it a stocking?

-Yes.

-Yeah, it's for you, darling.

-Thank you.

-Do you want to know what's in it?

-No.

-Money.

-I stuffed it with money.

-Has it got a tangerine and a sugar mouse?

Merry Christmas!

Hello! This is the day that the Lord has made!

-Hello, stranger! You're going to celebrate the birth of the Christ child this year.

-Amen.

Don't sit down yet, Marshall... OK, baby.

So what's happening with you two?

You haven't got our newsletter?

Hi! I'm Bo and this is Marshall. I am bursting to share the news of this product.

Well, what is it, Bo?

I'll tell you, Marshall. Rejoice and be glad because finally

-there's a non-fat fat-eating product for the faith community.

-Hallelujah.

-Tell us what you're talking about.

-I'm talking about Staylene -

-the non-fat fat-eating product system. "System" is important.

-Yes.

It is the best non-fat fat-eating product system on the market.

It's taken the fat out of America but leaving the flavour behind.

Does Staylene work, Bo? Is it some kind of miracle?

Thanks for asking. I think it is.

It's a chemical process prepared by ministry scientists at our laboratories in Ohio.

They explained it is a combination of tiny sponges and silicone.

The sponges act like God's angels sucking up the bad fat

and the silicone eases it gently out of your colon.

You know Staylene must be safe when science has, along with the Lord, had a hand in it.

-Amen.

-What are you mixing up there?

I'm not mixing, I'm agitating the compound prior to cooking.

Many of those other non-fat fat-eating products

go straight through your body causing...I can't bare to say it.

-Well, I'll say it for you, Bo.

-OK.

-Anal leakage.

Not Staylene. No. It's safe and effective. It also protects and cleans.

-To prove that... Would you agitate for me?

-Sure, honey.

To prove this, I've fed Marshall another non-fat fat-eating product.

These were his underpants after that day. These are his pants after Staylene.

One pair horribly stained,

the other fresh as a daisy, as God intended.

Can we mark that with a hallelujah?

-Hallelujah! We have testimonials from satisfied customers.

-We do.

In three days of eating Staylene, Philomena Bill enjoyed this result.

-But I think it's her face that's the problem.

-It's pixelated.

I've been pixelated before I found the Lord. I never looked like that.

We are talking about Staylene, God's own non-fat fat-eating product.

-An offer that's irresistible.

-Amen! It also removes unwanted body hair.

Show them your back, Marshall.

I'm crazy! So crazy I have an offer.

-No.

-The first ten people who call in will receive a free agitator.

-Steady, Bo!

-I'm going to do it.

-Amen and Praise Jesus!

-Can you believe this?

We've sold Staylene since the bottom fell out of the baby business.

Much like the bottom has fallen out of Marshall.

-He OD'd on Staylene. Couldn't just have one cookie.

-Had to have the whole jar.

Has everyone got a drink?

-Oh, look at her the hostess.

-Merry Christmas Eve!

-Saffy.

-Oh - no, Gran.

Happy Christmas Eve!

Happy Christmas. HE BREAKS WIND

Marshall, was that you? OK - upstairs now, mister.

Come on - march - two, three, four.

-Pats.

-Jacks!

I came as soon as I heard.

-Heard?

-No, don't speak, don't tire yourself. I can see it's difficult.

The nurses tell me you haven't got long so let's make the most of these few moments.

-I haven't got long?

-I know, darling, but I'm here.

Your sister. Oh, Patsy, always my favourite.

-Really?

-Oh, yes, darling. Your protector, friend... Oh, darling!

Let's remember the good times - the old times -

before the birdsong comes to brighten the mood.

And the terrible hours are driven away,

and the demons creep back into... wherever you keep your demons.

The pants drawer.

It's, er, it's nice to have you here.

Yeah, I've been OK, haven't I? Yeah.

Are you, er, missing Patsy?

Oh, yes, darling, I am missing Patsy. Yeah, well... Yeah. Yeah.

We can go and see her tomorrow, take her something.

Well, just a little thing, darling.

-Nothing too big. You were right about, you know... Everything's got a bit out of control, hasn't it?

-Yes.

-It's OK. I know you got carried away and there is a pleasure in giving.

-Is there?

Yes, yes, there is, darling.

Night!

Ooh!

-Jacks, I don't remember any good times.

-Oh, yes, darling - parties!

You remember the party we had when Mother died. That was a great time.

How happy we were! And then...

-Then you married Marcello.

-Don't be silly, darling.

-But I wasn't there.

-Stop it or I shall fetch the nurse.

He was mine - Marcello Agnelli. He was the only man I ever loved.

We were supposed to get married and you took him!

How could I? He was a grown man.

-You told him I was dead.

-Well, I thought you were dead.

How many people survive a heroin overdose on that scale? I must have got the purity wrong.

When I came out of the clinic

you'd got him, you'd stripped him clean.

The lifestyle tired me.

The Lear jets, the villas, the yachts, the parents!

Oh, my God! Pats, darling, I'm glad we can laugh at it all now.

But, darling, you've been all right, you've had your job.

You're a woman of means now.

Which reminds me, the will.

Now, darling, you've... left everything to me, of course.

-A will?

-There was a pair of shoes that I like, so I included those.

Well, I can sell the rest.

My cats are going to be so grateful. Sign.

I hate you!

Oh, darling!

And now...the final pin.

I think I got the purity right this time.

-As long as we get home for the present unwrapping. We can't stay long.

-All right.

Excuse me, who are you here to see?

-Miss Stone.

-I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Miss Stone passed away last night.

I've got her...

What did she say?

Mum, she's dead.

Patsy?

Oh, hi, Edi! Have you come to take me home?

Uh? What? What?

-What's that?

-Yeah, that's Jackie.

-Huh?

-Oh, she died last night. Heroin overdose.

So, darling - it's Jacks!

-So, merry Christmas, sweetie!

-Merry Christmas, darling!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Oh, merry Christmas, darling! It's Patsy, darling! Patsy.

Merry Christmas.

Come on, darling. Come on!

-Merry Christmas, merry Christmas, merry Christmas.

-Stop saying that!

-I can't stop saying it.

-You don't like Christmas.

Too much! Always too much.

-This is for you, Saffy.

-Oh, thank you, Gran.

I can't remember what I've bought but some of you will get cat beds and the others get pillow lights.

Oh, I like it!

It's just the ticket!

Oh, Dad, what were you thinking?

I don't want to discuss vulgar matters,

but when you are with the other fellow, what's the procedure?

How do you decide who is the gentleman and who is the lady?

-Well, I...I'm the lady.

-Oh, you're the lady.

You two really have to stop talking about this now.

If anyone doesn't like the presents from me, just give them back.

-Oh, mum, I love it!

-Good.

Oh, thank you.

-What's this?

-It's a professional tool kit.

-That you've always wanted.

-How did you guess?

Edi, how long does all this go on?

-I don't know. There's lunch and in the afternoon we can nip down Annabel's.

-Annabel's.

Have a little bit of a... I've got you a little present in here.

Oh, cheers, sweetheart. I've got you a little present, here you are.

-But, Edi, we will stay for lunch, because that would be lovely.

-We'll stay for lunch.

Cheers to the chef!

Um...Mrs M,

just a little for me, please.

Oh, I knew this would happen!

# Wheels on fire

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode! #

Subtitles by Clare O'Malley and Vicky McDonald BBC Broadcast - 2003

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