Episode 1 All Round to Mrs Brown's

# Make a date, don't be late Cos you know it's gonna be great

# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

# To begin, just tune in And you'll wear an ear-to-ear grin

# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown

# Instead of feeling depressed

# We have to make you feel best

# So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's! #

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round To Mrs Brown's!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello there! Come in, come in, come on, come in.

Welcome.

Well, the BBC have decided to give me my own Saturday-night show.

Will they ever feckin' learn?!

For the next few weeks, at this time on Saturday night,

you are invited to join me and my family, friends and neighbours

for an evening of craic...

and that's Irish craic, not the stuff you put up your nose.

You know, you... MRS BROWN SNIFFS

No, no, no.

So, my job at the moment, at this first show,

is to kind of tell you what the show is all about.

Well, there's not a lot of changes.

He's... He's still here.

Look at the state of him, he hasn't had a bath for two weeks.

But here's what I do know.

Cathy thinks... Well, she thinks she's become a bit of a celebrity.

She's got her own showbiz blog,

it's kind of a video blog on the local news website,

interviewing famous people.

Cathy even has a TV chef making her guests fancy nibbles on the show.

-His name is... AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh!

-I know!

His name is Chef Aly. I know you'll like him.

Think of Delia Smith, but with, you know, a penis.

And then, at the end of the night,

you have to come down and join us in Foley's

because tomorrow is Mother's Day and, as a special celebration,

Foley's have a Mother's Day night there tonight

and they've booked the perfect guest.

All I can say is... hold on to your knickers, girls!

MRS BROWN LAUGHS

Oh, geez, I need to change these ones now.

But the best thing about the new show

is that it's going to include you, the audience.

CHEERING

-Hiya, Mammy.

-Hello, Cathy.

I was just explaining about the new show.

I was just getting to the part about our talk show.

It's my video blog talk show!

It's not OUR show.

Well, I know that, but I'll be knocking around,

-in case you need help.

-I don't think so!

Well, let's wait and buckin' see!

CHEERING

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

-Hello, Buster.

-Hiya, Cathy.

-Hello, Buster.

What's in the box?

It's lighting for the sitting room, for Cathy's new talk show.

Oh, well done, Buster! You're very good for doing that for me.

I'd do anything for you, Cathy.

BOTH: Shut up, Buster!

Buster, I hope none of them are robbed.

No way, Mrs Brown!

Where did you get them?

They fell off a truck and I caught them.

Did you get the flashing ones?

No, they'll fall off the truck next week.

Well, go on, Buster, you'd better get started.

Right so.

What's all this?

Well, now, this is all my research for my new show.

Cathy, it's a video blog, not buckin' Who Do You Think You Are?

I'll have you know, they think I might be the new Graham Norton.

MRS BROWN LAUGHS That's very good, Cathy!

Yes, I see, yes, yes.

Well, it's... It's possible, you know.

So, what celebrities are you interviewing tonight?

-I'm interviewing Judy Murray.

-What?!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

-Yeah!

And...Pamela Anderson.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Maybe I can help, note down a few questions you might ask.

Really?

Sorry, Mammy, what exactly are you writing?

Well, for Pamela, I'm writing down, "Pamela, can you swim?"

And for Judy, I'm going to ask,

"Judy, which is your favourite son...

"..Jamie, or the one you love most, Andy?"

Seriously, Mammy, I will not be using any of those questions.

Well, do you know what? We'll see.

I'll just take them out, just in case.

Ah, Chef Aly, you're here!

Hello, Cathy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Chef Aly.

Hello, Mrs Brown.

Reggae!

MUSIC: Mr Boombastic by Shaggy

RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS

We're just... We're just playing.

Come on, I'll introduce you.

Everybody, this is Chef Aly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Chef Aly is here to do some cooking for Cathy's show a bit later.

He's very talented. Aly, would you tell everybody...

He's got a bit of an accent,

so sometimes it's hard to understand him.

Look straight in the camera and tell everybody where you come from.

Pronounce it properly.

Doncaster.

Reggae!

MUSIC: Mr Boombastic by Shaggy

RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS

Mammy, that really is enough.

Me and Aly have got lots to do.

-Oh, OK.

-Come on, Aly,

let's discuss the dishes you're going to be cooking later.

-Bye, Mammy.

-Bye.

-Bye-bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we are - so far, so good.

I've introduced you to nearly everybody.

Let's see who we have in the audience that might be interesting.

Haw-haw-haw-haw!

What time is it?

April!

Do we have Roseanne Steadmore in the audience? Where's Roseanne?

-Hello, Roseanne, how are you?

-Very well, thank you.

Stand up, stand up. Now, Roseanne, this is lovely, because it says,

"Roseanne is desperate to be a TV extra."

-I did do an audition, yes.

-Oh, did you? Please tell us.

-But I haven't heard back yet.

-Oh, you haven't heard back yet?

-No.

-Do you know what an extra does?

An extra is just a body in the background.

That's fine.

And you didn't even buckin' get that?

No.

You only have to be alive!

OK, let me give you a line.

You can try this. Now, here,

when I tell you, I want you to read that line out, nice and loud, to me.

Just do a straight read first of all, just read the line as it is.

The Macedonians are here and they have ice-cream cones.

OK.

Now, I want you to act now.

I want you to give me the line like it was a tragedy, like it's sad.

Oh, no! The Macedonians are here...

and they have ice-cream cones.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So now we have to go angry, like President Trump saying hello.

So angry, so...

-The feckin' Macedonians...

-Wait, wait, wait!

LAUGHTER, CHEERING

Wait!

You're on the right track, but you have to wait until I say, "Action."

-Oh!

-OK, here we go.

And action!

The Macedonians are here!

And they've brought ice-cream cones!

CHEERING

Roseanne, you hold on to that line,

because at some stage during the show,

I'm going to bring you down here. ROSEANNE GASPS

And you are going to be in a scene and you are going to say that line.

CHEERING

Look at this.

Oh-ho-ho!

Jesus, what?

So, that's Judy Murray.

Oh, Pamela Anderson, sorry.

It's Pamela Anderson.

That's easy.

AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES

You sick bastard!

Anybody could do that.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

-Jesus!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, there's a lot of talent in the audience.

It... It's you!

Pamela shouldn't be here, she's supposed to be down at Wash & Blow,

getting ready for Cathy's talk show.

Rory said he wasn't ready for her yet, so can we park here for now?

I don't think Rory's going to be ready for a woman for a long time.

But, of course, you're welcome to wait here until Rory is ready.

I was just going to make tea. Would you like tea, Pamela?

I'd love some tea.

Lovely, what size cup are you?

Extra large.

So, are you looking forward to being interviewed by my daughter Cathy?

-Yes, I am.

-You're really going to enjoy it, you really are.

-She's very good, isn't she?

-Yes, she is.

You'll love her, Pamela.

Oh, no milk, please.

Fuck's sake...

When she's doing the interview and asks you a question,

give her all the fuckin' information at the same time.

OK, I will, I will.

So, Pamela, milk in your tea?

No, thank you.

Oh, I'm glad I asked!

-There you go, Pamela.

-Thank you.

-Thank you. Oh, my God.

So, how did you put up with that big hairy fellow, David Hassel-Muff?

Hassel-Muff?

Oh, he's interesting.

He's fun. He was a lot of fun.

-Was he?

-Yes!

-He's not arrogant at all?

Well, he does like himself a lot.

If he was chocolate, he could lick himself.

He could, he would!

Now, my Cathy said that you are a vegan.

-I'm vegan, yes.

-Is that like in Star Trek?

No. No!

-How are you, Mammy?

-Hello, Rory!

-Look!

-Oh, hello, Pamela! How are you? Lovely to see you!

-Come on, let's go down...

-Wait, wait, wait.

Rory, you've had buttocks in your face, haven't you?

-What?!

-Bwrrrr-rr-rr!

-What?

-Buttocks!

You now, buttocks, like the injections.

Oh!

Would you ever... Would you ever do that, Pamela?

-Would you go that far?

-Well, buttocks...yes.

APPLAUSE

Right, come on, Pamela, let's go down to Wash & Blow...NOW.

-Hey, Maria.

-Hiya.

Hello, son.

-Was that who I think it was, Ma?

-Yes.

-Wow!

Men!

Hm, men!

Can't live with them... That's it.

Go on inside, girls, I'll bring yous in a cuppa.

Who was she again?

Pamela Anderson!

You know, off the TV show Baywatch!

Oh, I was in that TV show Baywatch.

No, you weren't, Buster, that was Crimewatch.

So... How are you keeping, son?

Fantastic!

This new celebrity tour guide business is off to a cracking start.

We made a load of money

taking people on a guided tour of a celebrity waxworks

with a genuine celebrity as a tour guide - Louis Walsh.

-He was great.

-Was he good?

And he wasn't the only celebrity there. There was hundreds of them!

No, Buster, they weren't real.

They were made of wax.

I'm sure the Louis Walsh one was talking, Dermot.

Shut up, Buster.

So, tell me, what happened, son?

It's a long story.

Well, sure, I've all the time in the world.

HARP STRUMS

MUSIC: Paparazzi by Lady Gaga

This is the big one.

The celebrity attraction tour.

A glamorous gallop around with golden gossip.

Glitter galore, guaranteed to be groaning with glorious gratitude.

Very good.

Anyway, let's go find our celebrity.

So, who is the celebrity going to be?

Louis Walsh.

Who?

Louis Walsh.

Who?

Louis Walsh!

From X Factor!

-Yeah, guys, that's me.

-BOTH: Jesus!

Guys, I'm sorry!

Louis, you frightened the life out of us.

-I'm sorry!

-Louis Walsh from X Factor!

Right, Louis, before the punters get here, we need to do our warm-up.

-It's a tradition.

-Put your hand in.

BOTH CHANT: Hoochie mama, hoochie mama, hoochie mama...

-This...

-Is...

-How...

-We...

Do it!

Louis, it's how we make money!

No, This Is How We Do It!

It's a song, the Backstreet Boys.

# This is how we do it.... #

Hello, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the D & B celebrity attraction tour!

Inside these walls, you will see and hear

about some of the biggest celebrities in the world

and who better to tell us about them than somebody who has met them all?

He looks like Louis Walsh,

he sounds like Louis Walsh,

he's Louis Walsh!

CHEERING

Right, now Buster is going to give us some rules.

Hi.

ALL: Morning.

Rule one, Louis has met each and every celebrity,

so feel free to ask him any questions you would like.

Rule two, the wax figures are so realistic

that now they've even given them heart beats.

Come on, try it out.

Look, yeah.

Have a listen.

Have a listen.

JAYSUS!

MUSIC: Poker Face by Lady Gaga

On our right here we have

Bob Marley, Mary Poppins.

Clare Balding, Harry Stiles

and, of course, Richard and Judy.

Guys, you've got it all wrong!

OK, guys, seriously, hurry up, let's go, let's go, go, go, go.

COME ON!

This is Professor Stephen Hawking, a very scientific man.

A little-known fact about Stephen Hawking

is you can store 3,000 songs on Stephen Hawking.

-No!

-Moving along...

-No!

This is the President of the United States of America...

for the time being, Donald Trump.

We only have him for a week because he has to get his hair back.

Moving on...

-This is One Direction, isn't it, Louis?

-Yes.

One of the biggest bands in the last couple of years.

-Ever, actually.

-They weren't your band, Louis, were they?

-They came from X Factor.

-But they weren't YOURS, Louis.

Well, no, we helped put them together.

Did it hurt at all?

No, Simon... Simon did it, Simon made them stars.

Yeah. No bitterness there at all, ladies and gentlemen.

No, no bitterness.

Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of the tour.

-ALL: Aaaw!

-But thank you to you and to Louis Walsh!

Thank you, guys.

If you did have a good time, please show your appreciation with a tip.

If we floated your boat, stick in a note.

If you thought we were sound, give us a pound.

We work around the clock so don't be a...

Cock.

OK, everybody, that is the end of the tour, so...EVERYBODY OUT!

We did all right!

COINS RATTLE

-Louis, hold that.

-OK.

We'll be back in a minute, we're just going to count this, OK?

Where are you going?

Hello? Hello?

Hello?!

HARP STRUMS

Well done, boys. You know, I went to a celebrity waxworks once.

Yeah, it was on a day trip, it was lovely.

SHE LAUGHS

I was having a great time and then I got thrown out.

I was having a selfie with Brad Pitt.

You weren't allowed to take any photographs?

It wasn't that kind of selfie, son.

He was there, all waxy, and I was there, holding on to his wick.

See you, Ma.

Did you see the face on my Dermot?

I'd swear he never saw a woman in his life.

Och, not at all. I think he was a bit starstruck, that's all, Maria.

Maybe I should touch up my make-up

or change into something a bit more attractive.

Would you stop?! You're grand the way you are!

You wouldn't be saying that if it was Mark.

Mark is not like that. He's more, you know...focused.

Did I hear Pamela Anderson was here?

Yes, she's down at Wash & Blow with Rory.

OK.

See ya.

-BOTH:

-Let's get the make-up.

MRS BROWN LAUGHS

Oh, girls, girls, girls, what are they like?

That's what children are like, you worry about them so much.

Hardest thing, being a mother.

And what thanks do you get? Nothing.

They go off and then they tell complete strangers

all your embarrassing secrets,

like when Mammy is having a lie-in

and Daddy hides under the covers and goes, "Bwrr-rr-rr!"

It's hard being a mother, isn't it? Isn't it?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

Isn't it, Sandra Gittens?

Oh!

Yes, Sandra Gittens, you are our Mammy Of The Week.

-Oh!

-Come on down to me, come on.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Every week, we are going to give the mammy award

to somebody who is a fine mammy

and, Sandra, you've been nominated by your family up there.

Look at them, look.

I can't believe this!

And if any of you are wondering why Sandra was nominated,

take a look at this.

Hi, Mum. Surprise!

I've nominated you for the Mammy Of The Week

because I think you are the best mum in the entire world...

..but you are also a complete nightmare.

Mum is a total potty mouth.

You can't take her anywhere without the air turning blue,

but she is brutally honest.

Have I mentioned she swears A LOT?

She never wears her glasses.

One time, Mum went upstairs to apply some...

haemorrhoid cream and ended up rubbing in Deep Heat instead.

She spent the next half an hour sitting in a cold bath.

She's never made it a secret that she wanted a son,

so for the first 18 months of my life,

I was dressed in dungarees and polo necks

and looked like a little ginger boy.

Thanks, Mum.

Mum once mixed up the dog's epilepsy tablet with her headache tablet.

Oh, Mum!

So, despite being an absolute frigging nightmare, Mother,

we don't know what we would do without you.

We don't tell you we love you enough, but we do,

and we wouldn't change you for the world.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm still a little bit shocked that your dog is taking epilepsy tablets.

Well, it did, and I took the tablet

and then I rang the National Health Service helpline

and they said, "Ring the vet,"

so I rang the vet and they said, "Ring your doctor,"

and the doctor said, "Just have somebody with you,"

because I slept for 17 hours.

So I missed my shift at work.

Only happened once.

I buckin' hope so!

Sandra, how would you like to come upstairs with me

-and I'll show you my box?

-Yes. I'd love to see your box.

Come on.

# It's going to make your day It's going to rock your socks

-# When you see what's in Mammy's box.

-#

I really, really love you.

Let me explain how this works.

As you can see, two of my beautiful sons...and him are...

..are covered in money and prizes.

You've got chocolates, make-up, a year's supply of tea...

The most important one is...the key to my box.

Every one of them has the key,

you just have to get the key and whack it off them.

So we're going to have them as human pinatas.

So one of them is going to be on cables and...

But you get to pick whichever one you want.

You can pick my son Mark, my beautiful son Trevor...or BUSTER!

So you can pick Mark, my son Trevor, or BUSTER.

Which one would you like to pick?

Buster.

That's a great choice!

Mark, Trevor, you can go and lie down.

Now, I'm going to put a blindfold on you first.

Here.

And now, raise him up.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

And now I'm going to give you a little spin around

and then, when I say go, you start whacking as hard as you can

and don't stop until you hear the gong, OK?

Just spin around a little bit, spin around.

And you can stop now.

OK, and go!

GONG CRASHES Time up, time up, time up!

Look at this!

Sorry.

Look at all this!

Do I get his hat?

-Here you are, Buster, there's your hat.

-Thanks, Mrs Brown.

Now, we have...

MRS BROWN COUNTS UNDER HER BREATH

..which means you have 274 euro.

-Now, you've won make-up... Waste of buckin' time.

-Yes.

-Now, you've won wine!

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-Red or white?

-No, she drinks a lot.

A year's supply of tea and...

-The key.

-The key to Agnes's box!

FANFARE

You peel that off while I go and get the box.

Oh, I love dragging my box into the light!

Now, I'll let you open the box and you have won...

A dishwasher!

Whoo!

Oh, thank you!

Blinking hell!

Give her a big round of applause.

OK, now, I have the honour of giving you, as well -

and you deserve this - this week's Mammy Award.

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you.

All right, all right, all right.

Love you, Buster!

All right, I've got to go down

and check how Aly is doing in the kitchen.

In the meantime, don't relax, just clean this place up a bit, OK?

-All right.

-Good girl. See you later, Buster. Bye.

Mrs Brown?

Mrs Brown!

Hello, chef Aly.

Hello, Mrs Brown!

Reggae!

MUSIC: Mr Boombastic by Shaggy

RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS

Right, let me see what you've got.

-So...

-Ah, this is the mix. What are you cooking?

We are cooking a very special dish for Judy Murray.

Her mother's signature dish, Greek shepherd's pie.

-Greek shepherd's pie?

-Yes.

Do you know what they call shepherd's pie in Greece?

-No.

-Shepherd's pie.

Thanks, Mrs Browns.

I think we have a picture of the finished dish to show you.

Have a look at this.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

I love when he does sexy chef.

So, the ingredients, what about the ingredients?

Let's have a look.

I recognise some of those.

-Oh, yes, well...

-I have a bit of a twist here.

Normally, you get mincemeat and you cook it for shepherd's pie,

but I cook roast leg of lamb

and I'm going to cook it simmering for long...

-So it's like pulled lamb?

-Exactly.

-Very good.

-And this is?

-That's feta cheese.

Hey, watch your language!

-And what's this?

-Shopped onion.

SHOPPED onion.

What about Pamela? Poor Pamela's a vegan,

-you can't give her shepherd's pie.

-No.

She doesn't eat shepherds.

Not that we know of.

So, what are you going to do for her?

I'm going to do something for her, like a surprise.

-A surprise, but it will be vegan?

-Yeah.

-Definitely.

-Going to be vegan, yeah.

-That's fantastic.

Well, I think Cathy's show is about to start,

so you get cooking and I'm going to go in and join the show.

Thank you!

-Two, one...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold it!

Cathy, I know it's your first show

and I wish you the best of luck with it, I really do,

but you are in the wrong chair.

What do you mean?

That's my chair.

Oh, for God's sake!

"Oh, for God's sake... God's sake..."

So, you're sitting in?

I'm just going to listen in, I don't want you to be nervous.

I'm here by your side,

just know that you can't run into trouble because I'm here.

We are on in five, four, three, two, one...

Cue Cathy.

# Lights aglow, here we go

# The Cathy Brown Show! #

Hello, everyone and welcome to The Cathy Brown Show,

the FinglasBugle.com's brand-new showbiz vlog,

with me, Cathy Brown...

..and apparently my mammy too.

I'm just sitting at the side...

-I'm just sitting here.

-Oh, you're very welcome.

Thank you.

So please welcome my fantastic guests tonight,

the amazing Pamela Anderson and Scotland's finest, Judy Murray.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE SQUEALS

Well, Pam, do you remember this?

Vaguely.

Very vaguely.

Buster, get out!

Now!

The lights, Buster, get the lights.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

Thank you, Buster.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, welcome to the show, both of you. It's so great to have you here.

So we'll start with you, Judy,

the mother of singles and doubles world number ones.

That's amazing.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I mean, Judy, to have Andy and Jamie both number one,

it must have been quite a time.

It's all right.

LAUGHTER

Oh, Judy, you're so full of shit.

LAUGHTER

-Did you crack open a bottle of bubbly?

-Obviously.

Several.

I've heard so many people say that about you,

if only they could stop you drinking during the day.

LAUGHTER

-Pamela, you're the mother of two boys yourself.

-Yes, yes.

We've got Brandon and Dylan. I think we have a picture of them.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Aren't they lovely?

-Oh, my God, they're beautiful children.

-What's your favourite thing about being a mum?

-Just everything.

I love it. I love it. It's nice that they're grown, actually.

Yes.

Do you know what, Pam, you're exactly right,

they grow up and then they GO AWAY.

No, they are doing well. They are doing well.

LAUGHTER

Tell me, it must have been tough being a mammy,

a showbiz mammy at the same time, trying to raise children.

I just brought them everywhere with me. I didn't have a nanny.

My mom helped me a lot actually.

-Oh, you have a good relationship with your mother?

-Yes, of course.

LAUGHTER

-I do.

-Do we have a picture?

-Yes, that's my mom.

-Isn't that sweet?

Just like you and me, Mammy.

We have no photographs like that.

-But, Judy, you grew up with two boys, you had two brothers.

-Yeah.

Did that make you a bit of a tomboy, do you think?

I was a bit of a tomboy, and, in fact,

actually, for most of my formative years,

I actually looked a bit like a boy to the extent that

when I got the bus to school every morning,

the bus driver would say, "On you come, son."

LAUGHTER

I begged my mum to let me get my ears pierced.

I thought that might solve it, that if he saw I had earrings on,

he would think that, you know... so she let me get my ears pierced.

I got on the bus and I'm going like this, like this,

like this and what does he say?

"On you come, son."

LAUGHTER

Pamela, the new Baywatch movie is coming out in a few weeks.

Now, we know you have a cameo role, but what was it like?

Did it feel weird to see someone else playing CJ Parker?

It was really weird.

I mean, I love the TV show, I loved that time of my life.

And to look at the Rock, and Zac Efron,

and all these people playing the characters,

it was very difficult cos...

I mean, there's all these superstars playing us. You know? It was funny.

-But you WERE a superstar then.

-But not like a movie star.

Well, you were bigger.

-Oh, was I?

-Oh, Jesus, yes.

Everybody down the bingo hall knew who YOU were.

LAUGHTER

Everyone.

Judy, at some point,

someone is bound to make a movie about Andy and Jamie. You know?

-Tennis's most famous brothers?

-Do you reckon?

-Oh, yes.

So who would you like to see playing you?

SHE LAUGHS

Me?

-Yes! Great!

-I think Jamie Lee Curtis.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yes.

-Ohhhh!

-Short hair.

-Do you know? I can see that

and I can see you've buckin' thinking about it!

LAUGHTER

There's a bit of thought gone into that.

Pamela, we do have to ask. The famous swimsuit.

-Do you still have it?

-I do. Yeah.

-It still fits.

-Well, well done.

-It still fits?!

-It still fits.

I put it on. I run around.

LAUGHTER

-You put it on and you run around in it?!

-Yeah. Yeah.

Pick the kids up from school.

LAUGHTER It's Mummy!

APPLAUSE

I'm really lucky to have you here with me tonight, Mammy.

-Oh, God, I know, sarcasm when I see it.

-No, no, I am!

But you know what?

I feel it's only fair that one of my guests has the same pleasure.

So, please, welcome Judy's own mammy, Shirley.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Time to go

# Here we go

# The Cathy Brown Show. #

How are you?

So lovely to see you.

Oh, now!

-You're very welcome, Shirley.

-Thank you.

Tell us, does all this tennis talent come from you, then?

Of course.

LAUGHTER

Well, I believe it all started on a tennis court.

Didn't you meet your husband Roy on a tennis court for the first time?

Oh, my goodness, you're going back now. Yes.

New balls!

LAUGHTER

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yes, that is quite correct in a kind of roundabout way.

She actually, genuinely believes it's all down to her.

She regularly says, "If I hadn't been sent away to boarding school

"in Bridge of Allan, I wouldn't have met your father,

"we wouldn't have had you, you wouldn't have the boys,

-"so, therefore, it's all down to..."

-I agree.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Are you going to ask her a few questions?

-May I? Thank you.

-Just...

-I've only got one question each.

-Pamela, this is important.

-I'm sorry.

-OK.

Can you swim?

LAUGHTER

Yes, I can. Yes, I can swim.

-So could you rescue somebody if they were in trouble?

-I could, yes.

-And what about resuscitation and all that?

-Yeah, I can do that...

-Do you want me...?

-No, no, I don't.

Too weird, love, too weird.

Judy.

Judy, I watched you in Melbourne, at the Australian Open,

I watched you at the French Open,

I've watched you in Wimbledon, and...

Do you ever buckin' smile?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No. Smiling is overrated.

LAUGHTER

In those situations, it's very stressful.

I mean, honestly, it's like a heart attack

and severe nausea all going on at the same time.

You've just described sex!

LAUGHTER

But there aren't very many smiling opportunities,

so I just don't bother.

I know that if he's mad or if he's annoyed, he looks at you.

Is it your fault?

LAUGHTER

You've got to look at somebody, haven't you?

He's been looking at me all his life.

LAUGHTER He's probably been hoping for a smile.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, he's not going to get one, is he?

APPLAUSE

Shirley, would you like to join me in the kitchen

and see how Chef Aly's getting on?

-Oh, that would be lovely!

-Come on, let's get out of here.

See you later, girls.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mm, what a good smell.

Aly, that smells absolutely gorgeous.

We'll be with you in a second.

Come here and talk to me. Tell me a bit about her.

-When she started being competitive, what was she like?

-Horrible.

LAUGHTER

Was she difficult, was she?

-We used to have to take her to tennis tournaments...

-Right.

And you weren't allowed to speak to her on the way.

And she would go and play. You weren't allowed to watch her.

Had to go and hide somewhere behind a tree or whatever.

LAUGHTER

It's true. But if she won her match,

she talked non-stop all the way home.

Well, how lovely. So if she lost...

-Oh! Nobody was allowed to talk.

-For days.

-Oh, my God!

Thank God Andy didn't grow up like that, thank God.

LAUGHTER

There is a day she must've won. Was that a day she won?

Look at that!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

And there's Jamie and Andy there. Look at that.

APPLAUSE

Let's go over here and see what Aly is doing before he burns it.

-Smells good.

-Doesn't it smell nice?

It does smell nice. Aly, hello.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

-This is Shirley.

-Shirley, this is Aly.

-Hello, Aly.

Aly, you're in the presence of a genius.

Shirley makes the best shortbread in all of Scotland.

And I'm going to get her to give you the recipe.

I know how to make shortbread, Mrs Brown.

I know, but she makes the best shortbread in the whole of Scotland!

Mrs Brown, I know how to make shortbread.

And I know how to make a chef buckin' cry.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, what do you think? She will give you the recipe.

She WILL give you the recipe. Come over here, Shirley.

Mrs Brown...

-Oh, it's a lovely bit of lamb.

-Yeah, very nice. Very nice.

Thank you very much.

So you get that recipe off our website which is...

not available yet because we haven't got one.

LAUGHTER Now, if this is whisky...

LAUGHTER

We'll just have a taste of that. Mm-hm.

-Easy with that, Mrs Brown.

-Easy with that.

-Real whisky.

-Yeah.

Real whisky.

I heard YOU would know.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Down the hatch.

-Down the hatch.

-Down the hatch.

Lovely.

That is real whisky!

SHE LAUGHS

Ohhhhh!

It's lovely!

Reggae!

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

-Well, Aly, you're cooking up a storm.

-Yeah.

Oh, heck.

Shirley, let's go in and see what's happening

with the girls inside.

Aly, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You're back, Mammy.

-That was great.

Well, Judy, I really want to see up close for myself

-how good your tennis skills are.

-Oh! Backhand!

So I thought I'd put you to a little skills test.

-Would you be up for that?

-Oh, yes.

-OK.

I've got a racket and some tennis balls here.

-All I need now is a target.

-Leave that to me.

LAUGHTER

I thought I'd never get a chance to use this.

LAUGHTER

Seriously?

LAUGHTER

-Oh, dear.

-Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Judy, all you have to do is hit the target. Off you go.

Ohhh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Judy!

He's still alive.

Congratulations.

Well, I hope you've worked up an appetite

because it's time now for the culinary culmination of the show.

Everybody, Chef Aly!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at that.

Whoa, so what do we have here on the table, Aly?

-Greek shepherd's pie which Judy...

-Her favourite dish.

Her mummy, she used to cook for her when she was young.

And we have something here as a surprise

-which is a vegan pie.

-Thank you.

I don't know if you can see there,

but see the little flowers on the top? You have to take them off?

-No, edible.

-They're vegan.

-What's in it, Aly?

-Is tofu...

..with maple syrup.

-And also the base is all vegan.

-Nice. Beautiful.

-It looks delicious.

-Thank you.

-Look at this, he's not a waiter, is he?

-Oh, nice, thank you very much.

-Would you like to try some?

-Even the soy sauce is vegan.

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-Oh, yeah, that looks good, thank you.

-Are you starving, are you?

4.99. 4.99.

LAUGHTER

-Would you like to try one?

-I would.

-Thank you.

-Mind on your lap cos it's hot. Here you go, come on.

Pass it back!

Tough shit!

-How's yours, Pamela?

-That's delicious. It's really good.

-Thank you.

-You are welcome.

Well, I tell you, it's getting 10 out of 10 up here.

-It's absolutely gorgeous. Well done, chef.

-Well done, Aly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that's all we have time for on The Cathy Brown Show.

A huge thanks to all my guests tonight.

Pamela Anderson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Judy Murray.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Judy's mum, Shirley.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And of course, Chef Aly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join us next week when our guests will be Kate Douglas

and Doctor Who and his mother.

Shut up, Mammy, no, they won't.

But we WILL see you next week and now it's over to Father Damian

and Trevor for Thought For The Day.

Goodnight, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In through the rabbit hole, around the fairy tree,

up through the rabbit hole, you can't catch me.

-There you are, Damian.

-Oh, thanks, Trevor.

-What is it?

-A hot chocolate, with a marshmallow on top.

-Wow, thanks.

-Hello, there.

-We like a little treat before we head off to bed.

-We do.

And that's why we do this Thought For The Day,

to send you off to bed with a little treat.

I don't think we've enough hot chocolate, like, for everyone.

That's a metaphor.

-That's a big word, Trevor.

-No, it's not.

-Not.

-It's a small word, but with a big meaning.

-Jesus himself often used metaphors.

-Yeah, he did.

Like when he would say flock.

-Damian SNORTS

-Flock!

Flock, like, "Get ye here, my flock."

-That was a metaphor for people.

-Oh, right.

So when he said fish, what did he mean?

Fish.

LAUGHTER

Words can have a powerful meaning. Oh, sure, it's OK to dislike.

But not to hate.

When it comes to people,

the most Christian of words are accept, kindness and love.

It's not nice to use bitter words.

-They leave a bad taste in your mouth.

-They do.

And it's not nice to wipe your hands on someone else.

LAUGHTER

So, there's our words for today. I accept you.

-I will be kind, and I love you.

-Love you.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I can't get my marshmallow out of my cup.

-Agnes, do you know what I said to Jacko the other night?

-What?

I said, "Will you love me when I'm old and wrinkled?"

-Ha-ha! What did he say?

-I do.

LAUGHTER

He's not far wrong. Listen, talk about problems.

People have been sending their problems to the show.

-Here, take those ones.

-Right.

-We'll see what we can do with them.

This is from Avary. Oh, hiya, Avary.

Avary says, "Dear Agnes, I often go wild camping

"which means no washing or toilet facilities.

"I need advice on how to pee in a bush."

LAUGHTER

"I find it difficult to squat-pee without getting it on my clothes."

LAUGHTER

You use the triangle. I'll show you the triangle.

What you do is you get your knickers, right?

LAUGHTER

You get your knickers and when you're ready to go, you do that,

you pull them out like that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I was just getting started on that and I'm wondering,

"I hope there buckin' clean ones!"

LAUGHTER

-What have you got?

-Well, this one is from June Bone.

Hello!

June.

-June Bone, is that your married name?

-It is.

-What was your single name?

-June Lockhart.

I'd have stayed single.

LAUGHTER

And she says, "Dear Agnes, being a lady of a certain vintage,

"does Mrs Brown have any tips or advice

"on how to cope with the menopause?

"What was the worst part of it for her?

"And does she have trouble with dryness?"

LAUGHTER

This one is from Rob.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It says...

"Dear Agnes, my dog is a voyeur."

-What's a voyeur?

-I don't know, something like a collie.

How do we let the dog know that watching us doing it puts us off?

LAUGHTER

Where's Robert?

Jesus, Robert, watching you doing it would put anybody off!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Here, I'll get them in.

-Thanks, love.

Oh, thanks, Sharon, give us another one.

Sorry, sorry.

-Good evening. Hi, how are you?

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

It's James Blunt!

CHEERING

-Oh, my God. I can't believe it!

-Oh, Agnes. It's so nice to see you.

It's so good to see you.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've no idea!

I have three singers who I've fancied all my life.

James Blunt, Ed Sheeran

and Daniel O'Donnell.

LAUGHTER

He is the nicest, kindest young man that I've ever seen in my life.

You have a beautiful voice.

You have a great talent and you're a handsome man.

And I don't understand why everyone thinks you're a wanker.

LAUGHTER

Yes.

-I don't get it!

-It is true, I do like wanking.

LAUGHTER

Well, all I say is, if you're ever short-handed...

-James, you're going to sing your single for us tonight.

-I will.

Yes, but before you do, I like my guests to sing a song from my era.

That song.

# Fly me to the moon

# And let me play among the stars

# Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter or Mars... #

LAUGHTER

My nipples are shouting at me!

-Thank you, James...

-You taste so good.

Oh, thank you, you do too, you're so kind.

The Macedonians are here!

And they have ice cream!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here, ladies and gentlemen, with his new single

and the hottest tongue...

LAUGHTER

..the wonderful James Blunt.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's a little after midnight

# There's a couple in the corner

# And I wonder what he said because she's crying

# And I guess they won't remember when they wake up in the morning

# With a headache from the whisky and the wine

# I know that I have said things I'll regret when I am sober

# Cos we always hurt the ones we love the most

# I messed up and I know it

# If I hurt you, girl, I'm sorry

# But it's good to see the girl I used to know

# We could dance, but I can't dance

# Maybe we could stick to holding hands

# Or should we raise a glass

# And forget the past?

# If we keep on drinking

# We can fall back in love

# So fill it up

# Fill it up

# We must not be thinking cos we can't get enough

# So fill it up

# Fill it up

# Bartender, can you pour some lo-o-o-ve

# Bartender, can you pour some lo-o-o-ve

# We can talk about the future

# We don't want to reminisce

# Because we both know it was me who got it wrong

# But, damn, it's good to see you

# You look awesome and I miss you, baby

# Listen now They're playing our song

# We could dance, but I can't dance

# Maybe we could stick to holding hands

# Or shall we raise a glass?

# And forget the past?

# If we keep on drinking We could fall back in love

# So fill it up

# Fill it up

# We must not be thinking cos we can't get enough

# So fill it up

# Fill it up

# Bartender, can you pour some lo-o-o-ve?

# Bartender, can you pour some lo-o-o-ve?

# And it's closing time

# Back to yours or mine?

# After all this time

# You still blow my mind

# And it's closing time

# Back to yours or mine?

# After all this time

# After all this time

# If we keep on drinking

# We can fall back in love

# So fill it up

# Fill it up

# We must not be thinking cos we can't get enough

# So fill it up

# Fill it up

# Bartender, can you pour us some lo-o-o-ve?

# Bartender, can you pour us some lo-o-o-ve? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Danke schon.

Look at that. Happy Mother's Day. Signed, anonymous.

LAUGHTER

I get that one every year.

I know it's from Buster.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Well, there you have it, our first show over and done.

James Blunt was amazing.

His tongue tickled my throat. LAUGHTER

I don't know why people have a problem with him.

I'd shag him.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

MOUTHS

There's a little hope that resides in my heart that he might shag me.

LAUGHTER

And Cathy's wonderful guests, Judy, Pamela and Shirley.

And me.

And what do we all have in common?

We're mothers.

That's what we have in common. Tomorrow is Mother's Day.

Don't forget that.

Drop in and say hello. Say, "Happy Mother's Day."

It would mean a lot to somebody.

So make sure and do it.

We'll see you next week, by the way,

when Cathy's guests will be Angela Merkel

and Darth Vader and his mother.

LAUGHTER

Probably not.

Goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Make a date, don't be late

# Cos you know it's going to be great

# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

# To begin, just tune in

# And you'll wear a toothy grin

# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown

# Instead of feeling depressed

# Let laughter make you feel best

# So It's All Round To Mrs Brown's. #