Episode 2 All Round to Mrs Brown's

This programme contains some strong language.

# Make a date, don't be late # Cos you know it's gonna be great

# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

# To begin

# Just tune in

# And you'll wear a toothy grin

# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown

# Instead of feeling depressed

# Let laughter make you feel best

# So It's All Round To Mrs Brown's. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round To Mrs Brown's!

Hello!

Hello, there. Welcome to another Saturday night at my house.

Ha-ha.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Are you there, Agnes?

-Yes, will you just get yourself a cuppa?

Tea!

-I want tea.

-I'll be with you in a second, Grandad.

Oh, by the way, Dr Flinton called.

He has the results of your tests. It's not good news.

-He said you haven't long left!

-Oh!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-How long?

-Ten.

Ten what? Years? Months?

Nine.

-Eight, seven...

-Oh!

I'm only joking!

He said you're as healthy as a fool.

APPLAUSE

What are you doing, Winnie?

Oh, it's this crossword. I've been at it for hours.

I'm not going to rest until it's finished.

How many clues have you left?

44.

LAUGHTER.

-How many clues is in it?

-Oh!

46.

LAUGHTER

Let me see.

Ha-ha-ha!

Winnie, even the two you have in are wrong.

Look, "a carpenter's tool."

You have down penis.

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah!

And this one here.

Winnie, "to guide a ship."

Penis?

Yeah, well, they're five letters, Agnes.

Not every five letters is a penis!

LAUGHTER

Some of the easy ones you haven't got yet.

Look at that one there, look. "The skin of a tree."

Well, it's...

-Skin?

-If you say...

Don't say what I think you're going to say.

-I'll hit you over the head with it.

-Well, I don't know, Agnes.

Bark, Winnie, bark.

Woof-woof!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I still don't know!

Go, get out, Winnie, get out!

-I'll see you later.

-Look, I can't wait.

So then, welcome to another evening round at my house.

Yes, Saturday nights aren't what they used to be here,

that's for sure. Well, it's a lot of fun.

Dermot and Buster are still plugging away

with their celebrity guided tour business.

It's good to see Dermot aiming high.

As for Buster, well, his aim is just to get through the day

without getting arrested.

LAUGHTER

We've more music down in Foley's Pub, live music.

You must come! I know.

Apparently, it's indie night. So I love that, I love curry.

And Cathy's showbiz blog is going really well.

She seems to be really enjoying interviewing all those celebrities.

I think it's rubbing off on her. Look at this.

She's after ordering all this fitness stuff. Look at this.

LAUGHTER

Thigh flex. Instructions for use.

This is complicated. Do not put it up yourself.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Ah, yes!

Now... So... I'm excited about...

I'm excited because tonight, Cathy says she has

This Morning's Holly Willoughby and Paul Schofield on the show.

Oh, yes.

I know I can't wait to meet them.

Even though I just called him bucking Paul! He-he-he!

LAUGHTER

I think Cathy's worried because she thinks I'll embarrass myself.

I don't know what she means.

I always make a very good first impression.

Hello, Phillip.

Hello. Such a pleasure to meet you.

LAUGHTER

Oh, Phillip, ohhhh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Mrs Brown.

Ahem.

Marie, you can't just barge in here like it was a public convenience.

LAUGHTER

Guys, come in!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hiya.

All right?

This is so nice.

-It's a lovely home.

-Thank you so much.

Mrs Brown, Phillip and Holly are supposed to be getting ready

and a wash and blow for Cathy's show. Rory's late opening up.

Do you mind if they wait here, and I'll go and find him?

Not at all. Get him quick. Get him quick.

Lovely, lovely to have you, have you here.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yeah, that would be lovely. Oh, you've got a crossword book here!

LAUGHTER

How do you take it?

Mrs Brown, is this your crossword book? I love crosswords.

No, no, no.

It's my friend Winnie. She is... To be honest she's brutal at it,

she really is, she's terrible.

One of the clues was...

One of the clues was "a carpenter's tool."

-Oh, how many letters?

-Five letters.

Penis?

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, it's lovely to... Ah. I can't believe you're here.

-I can't believe WE'RE here.

-I watch you every morning.

-Do you?

-Every morning.

-Do you?

-And I love the way you always come on full of spunk.

-Oh!

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

Phillip, I'm not allowed to jump in on the talk show,

but there's one or two questions I'd like ask you.

LAUGHTER

Does the carpet match the curtain?

LAUGHTER

Would you like the honest answer?

Look at me and throw it to me!

See, I know it's your birthday.

# Happy birthday to you. #

-I got you a present.

-Did you?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

-What have you got? What have you got?

-It's called Just For Men.

LAUGHTER

-Oh.

-Ah. Full coverage.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

Start at the top.

-Yes, and work my way down.

-If you start at the bottom,

it gets very weird when you get to the top.

You can't not be a Silver Fox, though, any more. It has to be...

-You have to stay silver.

-It's called Arctic Blonde.

Arctic Blonde! And you must get...

The two of yous get it, do you?

LAUGHTER

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mine's out of a bottle.

-No, you can see that.

-The big stripe down the middle.

-I know!

You are so right. It needs doing!

It looks like a landing strip.

Pass me that box.

Where did I hear that before?

LAUGHTER

-Holly.

-Yes?

You have to be the most successful person in television

because I saw you two picking up ANOTHER NTA Award.

-Oh, we are very lucky.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very blessed to work with each other

and to be able to work on This Morning.

You've room for it on your mantelpiece, have you?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, son. Hello.

I am so sorry, Holly. How are you, Phillip? I was late opening up.

He was. He was 25 before he told me he was a friend of Dorothy's.

LAUGHTER

Now, Rory, you'd better go and get made up. Right, come on.

I'll see you at the talk show.

Phillip, it was lovely to meet you, lovely to meet you.

Thank you so much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jesus!

Oh, that's better.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right.

Well, you know, the best part of this show for me

has been the fact that not only did I get to meet lovely people

like Holly and Phillip,

but I get to meet lots of people like you, the audience.

You've been fantastic.

Let's see if we have anybody interesting in tonight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Elizabeth Connelly. Where's Elizabeth?

Elizabeth, this is really interesting.

It says here that you are a psychic,

and it says that you can read people's jewellery.

I can.

There we are. I'm coming up. I want you to touch my ring.

LAUGHTER

-Now, do I need to take it off?

-Please, yes.

Do you know, I've never taken this ring off, never in my life.

Not even when Redser died.

If I don't get this back...

LAUGHTER

I will find you. I will kill you.

You'll not find me cos I'm psychic.

You're not bucking invisible.

LAUGHTER

Right, honey, you've got a lot of people round about you.

LAUGHTER

Jesus, you're amazing!

Go on, tell me more!

You've got back problems.

I'm suffering from sciatica at the moment, I am, yes. You're right.

But you've had a hard life.

SHE COUGHS

Can I tell you, it's not getting any fucking better?

-Chest problems.

-Well, I have now!

Coughing into my mouth, cough, cough.

Well, what I would say is good luck to you

in the rest of your life and your career.

That was really, really... Thank you so much.

Right, Honey Bunny, right?

APPLAUSE

Now, she was able to tell all about me

by just looking at the family jewels.

LAUGHTER

-Katie Crichton, where's Katie? Hello, Katie!

-Hi.

-Is that himself beside you?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-What's his name?

-Paul.

Hello, Paul. How are you? Congratulations to you.

-You're getting married this summer?

-We are, yes.

-Excellent.

APPLAUSE

And you said you have almost everything sorted?

-Yeah, I've got my dress.

-Oh, lovely, what colour is it?

Ivory.

So you're pregnant, are you?

LAUGHTER

What are the bridesmaids wearing?

-They are wearing lovely turquoise dresses.

-Aw!

So I've just got a few things left to get.

Like what?

Well, I've still got to get my something old and something new

and something borrowed and something blue.

Come here down to me. Come here.

APPLAUSE

Now, that's an old purse of mine. All right? You can have that.

-And I put 20p in it for luck.

-Aw!

You can have that.

APPLAUSE

That's something new.

It's actually... It looks like a scarf but I wore it as a garter.

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

Something borrowed. Something borrowed. I've got nothing...

I wouldn't trust you to bucking bring it back.

LAUGHTER

I can give you something borrowed and something blue at the same time.

Hold on.

TEARING SOUND

LAUGHTER

I have to tell you, if you don't bring that back, it doesn't matter.

LAUGHTER

You can borrow them and keep 'em. Off you go.

Give her a round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, Cathy.

-Hiya, Mammy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mammy, I'm a bit nervous about the show tonight.

It's going to be a packed sofa with Holly Willoughby

and Phillip Schofield.

-You'll love them. They seem really, really nice.

-What?!

-You were speaking to them already?

-Well, yes, I mean,

cheeky silver devil, he couldn't keep his eyes off me.

LAUGHTER

Mammy, tell me you didn't say or do anything embarrassing, did you?

You promised.

Of course I didn't.

And I don't think they noticed, anyway.

LAUGHTER

-I don't think I want to know.

-OK.

Not only them, though, Mammy,

-Lulu's going to be here too!

-Lulu?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-No way!

-Yes. I love her. I'm such a big fan.

-Oh, she's wonderful.

The voice. I love the '60s.

All that free love!

It wasn't free for your father, but it was cheap!

LAUGHTER

I don't want to hear any more, Mammy,

I'll finish preparing upstairs.

-Ha-ha-ha.

-See you later.

-See you later, love.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

She hasn't said what Chef Aly is cooking for the dinner tonight.

I wonder what it is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Chef Aly.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

-Reggae!

MUSIC: Mr Boombastic By Shaggy

MUSIC STOPS

-Let's get down to business.

-OK.

So, Aly, what are you cooking tonight?

-I'm making chicken Kiev for Holly. It's her favourite meal.

-Oh, lovely.

Plus I'm making cream Cornish tea for Phil.

Cornish cream tea for Phillip? Very nice.

I think we have a picture of it

to show you what it's going to look like when it's done.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh!

Reggae!

MUSIC: Mr Boombastic by Shaggy

MUSIC STOPS

So... Damn it! Shit!

LAUGHTER

So I'd better let you get started, then.

Can't wait to try it out later.

I have to go. I have to meet Winnie down in the pub.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Chef Aly.

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, boys.

-Hiya, Mam.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

-Hello...

-Buster, isn't it?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

You're looking very pleased with yourselves.

-This celebrity guided tour business, it's off to a flying start.

-Really?

We did an open-top-bus tour in London. It was a huge success.

Yeah, only the celebrity we booked wasn't a real celebrity.

-It was just a lookalike.

-Now, Buster.

For the last time, it WAS really him.

All right.

-MOUTHS:

-It wasn't him!

So tell me what happened.

-It's a long story.

-I'm great at long stories.

Stand out here and we'll do the wobble.

LAUGHTER

Ready and wobbling.

And you definitely booked a proper local celebrity

for the Celebrity Bus Tour?

-We've got a lot riding on this bus back here.

-I did.

Just like you told me to.

A genuine London celebrity for a London bus tour like no other.

Plus, I got a map of London just so that we don't get lost.

It looks easy enough, Dermot. Just round the square and we're finished.

Shut up, Buster.

Right, where's the celebrity? We've got customers waiting.

-SHOUTS:

-Get on the bus!

LAUGHTER

He said he'd be here at three o'clock.

Ah! Here he is now.

BIG BEN CHIMES

Who's that?

EASTENDERs THEME TUNE STARTS

-Ian Beale?

-No, Adam Woodyatt, actually.

Oh, dammit, I'm so sorry.

They promised me it was going to be the real Ian Beale from EastEnders.

But Adam here is a pretty good lookalike.

-We'll get away with it.

-You have to. Welcome to the team.

-Right.

-If anybody asks, you're Ian Beale, all right?

-All right.

Are you ready for today?

Yeah, I'm a little bit nervous

because I don't know what's going to happen,

and looking at you two, it worries me even more.

But today, you work for us.

And we are going to give these people

the guided tour of their lives.

Terrific Trendy Tours Of London Town

Totally Tailored to the Terrific Tourists.

Tiptop and Totally Terrific.

Very good, Dermot.

Let's go and get our uniforms on. He-he!

MUSIC: Rule Britannia

SHOUTS: Hey! Get back in the bus!

LAUGHTER

-MUSIC:

-Zorba The Greek

-What are we supposed to be?

-Beefeaters.

You're not a vegetarian, are you?

Hey, hey, hey! We need to do the warm-up routine. It's tradition.

-BOTH:

-Ohhhhhh, oojy-baba, oojy-baba, oojy-baba, oojy baba...

-Let's...

-Get...

-Ready...

-To...

Rumble?

Make money, Adam, make money.

Good afternoon. And welcome to

the D and B Celebrity Bus Tour of London.

Innit, bruv?

-PUBLIC:

-Yay!

We have a great tour planned for you all today.

And to give you all the very best local k-no... Knowledge.

Let me introduce London's most famous celebrity, Ian Beale.

-Right then, people. Let's go see London!

-Let's go!

Driver!

OK, say goodbye to Big Ben, everybody! Cheerio!

BIG BEN CHIMES

Look, ladies and gentlemen, with the tickets you have purchased

for this tour, you can hop on and hop off at any point.

However, you should know, we will not be stopping.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: London Calling by The Clash

On your left-hand side, we come to Downing Street.

Home of the Prime Minister, Theresa May.

TRESemme? Like the shampoo?

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: Going Underground by The Jam

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

this is one of the highlights of the tour, Trafalgar Square.

-PUBLIC:

-Oooh!

Now to give us some facts on Trafalgar Square

and Nelson is Ian Beale.

Nelson was imprisoned on Robben Island in South Africa

over 27 years, before later being released.

Sadly, Nelson died on December 5th, 2013, aged 95,

and never got the chance to see this beautiful statue...

which is good,

because it looks nothing like his picture on Wikipedia.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: Free Nelson Mandela

-And we are now in London's famous West End.

-Oh, look, Dermot,

there's The Lion King.

-BOTH:

-# It's the circle of life. #

-BOTH:

-# A-wim-a-weh, a-wim-a-weh, a-wim-a-weh, a-wim-a-weh

# Oooh, oooh, oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh, oooh... #

MUSIC: The Lion Sleeps Tonight by Tight Fit

There is PC Plod!

Unfortunately, that's the end of the tour, ladies and gentlemen,

we hope you had a great trip.

-PUBLIC:

-Aw.

If you did, please show your appreciation with a tip.

If you had a good trip, give a good tip!

If we did our job, give us a few bob!

-If you don't fill the bucket...

-BLEEP

-it.

LAUGHTER

Let's go, quick, quick. We've another tour in ten minutes.

Thank you. Moving on.

MUSIC: Land Of Hope And Glory

Well done, today, boys, we done great.

Right, let's divvy up the tips. He-he-he!

-Is this how I'm getting paid?

-It sure is.

£65 in tips.

So 40% goes to me.

-20% to you, Buster.

-Thank you.

-And you done great, 20% for you.

Leaving 20% for overheads.

But you did have sandwiches.

Your make-up wasn't cheap.

And you broke that woman's camera.

-CRIES:

-He's got nothing left!

THEY LAUGH

He's a lovely laddie. Who is he?

Well, that sounds like a lot of... I'm getting dizzy.

-That sounds like a lot of fun. Well done, Dermot.

-Thanks, Ma.

You know, I went on a bus tour, open-top, once. Yeah.

You should have seen the looks everybody gave me.

I had to pull my knickers up to cover my nipples.

LAUGHTER

All right, see you, Dermot.

Goodbye.

LAUGHTER

Oh!

Hello, Winnie. Before I sit down,

-it's not a bucking crossword, is it?

-No.

I'm just reading about one of those celebrities, Lady Googoo.

Gaga.

-Googoo.

-Gaga.

-Googoo.

-Gaga.

Who's a pretty baby?

SHE LAUGHS

-Apparently, she has a 24-carat necklace.

-Phoo!

-Yeah.

Is that because she's vegetarian?

LAUGHTER

-Oh, God, what time is it?

-Why?

-I'm going to miss Cathy's show.

I don't want to miss the show.

-Sorry, Winnie, you can finish off my drink.

-See you later.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All the guests are washed and blown and ready for you, Cathy.

Aw, thanks, Rory.

It looks like Mammy's going to miss the show.

-THEY LAUGH

-Yes!

-See you!

-See you later.

And we're on in five, four, three, two, one, cue, Cathy.

# Lights a-glow

# Here we go

# The Cathy Brown Show. #

Hello, there, again, and welcome to the Cathy Brown Show

with me, Cathy Brown, giving you all the latest showbiz gossip.

Wait, wait!

Whoa!

CRASH!

-Sorry, Aly!

-Chef Aly!

-Wait, wait, I'm not missing this one.

-Oh, for fucksake!

It's my chair.

-You could try to be on time.

-Well, I'm not missing this one.

-Yes, but you could be on time.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

As I was saying, I'm very excited to introduce the legendary Lulu

and the fantastic Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

-Nice to see you.

-Thank you very much.

Oh, wow!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh!

-Buster! What the hell are you doing?

-It's for Lulu.

I want to show her my swinging '60s.

LAUGHTER

Buster, nobody wants to see your swinging anything!

Get out, Buster!

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww!

Get the lights on the way.

Groovy, baby.

Well, sorry about that. You are all very welcome to the show.

-It's great to have you here. Is everyone comfortable?

-Very.

Very good. I actually brought a present here. This is for you.

-For me?

-Yeah, I thought I'd give that to you.

-Thank you so much.

-It's from Phil and myself.

Ohhhh, lovely.

It's a swear box.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, that's lovely.

-This is lovely. Lulu?

Um, I was going to send flowers tomorrow...

-Oh, that's so kind of you.

-..if it went well.

-Oh, well.

Lulu, I have to say, you look, as always, amazing tonight.

How do you do it?

APPLAUSE Yes, how DO you do it?

-Hard work.

-Hard work.

-Hard work.

You could be 16, just stepping off that train from Glasgow into...

-Ah, that's very sweet.

-..the world of rock.

You rocked my world.

Honestly, everybody in the world it doesn't matter,

knows Shout, it's just the opening of it.

I don't know if you know it at home. It goes...

# Weeeelllllll... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Something very like that.

She's lost it a bit.

LAUGHTER

Mammy could learn a few style tips from you. Do you have any for her?

LAUGHTER

I think she's perfect just as she is.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw.

Thank you so much.

I know sometimes I wear my skirts a bit short. I do.

You can just see my ninnies.

Whoa! Ha-ha-ha!

I just saw then that the collars and cuffs don't match.

THEY LAUGH

You're right. For them to match, I'd have to shave my head.

LAUGHTER

-Wow, wow.

-Holly and Phil, Mammy and I are big fans of This Morning.

Huge, huge. We really are.

But I have to say, our favourite part was the live wedding.

-Oh, yes, that was wonderful.

-It was amazing.

-Do you plan on doing another one?

-It was magical.

For somebody to spend that most important day of your life,

really, when you marry someone...

-So you don't have a couple or anything in mind?

-Do YOU?

-Do you? Oh, oh.

-I don't believe it!

-I'm just saying.

-Seriously.

I'm just saying.

-Not the time or the place, Mammy.

-You'd be a catch for anybody...

LAUGHTER

I don't think I'll be on the show, Mammy, OK?

No, you could, because we could pamper you before you came on,

we do all sorts of things on there, we've done a vagina facial.

LAUGHTER

Who the hell wants a face like a fanny?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think I might pass on that one, yeah.

-Lulu, you're going on tour again in October.

-I am, I am.

I'm going actually to tour in America in a month, and then I go...

But in this country in October, through October, November.

-That's going to be exciting.

-I live for it.

Would you like to see a clip of Lulu in action?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

# You need somebody who can help you with your heavy load

# Well, I've been there, baby

# Just give me some rock and roll... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you have fans that follow you wherever you go, wherever you tour?

-Yeah...

-CHEERING

Yeah, there's a few of them here.

She's over there waving her walking stick at you.

APPLAUSE

-Yes. I want to say that your dress is absolutely beautiful.

-Thank you.

-As is yours.

-Oh, no. You can see my panty line, you can't see yours.

That's because my pants go from there to there.

-Spanx.

-I don't think they do.

WHOOPING

APPLAUSE

-I was trying to compliment you on your figure.

-Thank you, thank you.

-Mammy...

-Oh, you've got the same!

-The same thing.

-Matching pants.

Lulu, show us your knickers.

-I love having my mammy here with me.

-You liar!

-I do.

But, as you know,

we always welcome one of our guests' own mammies onto the show.

But this week we've got twice the fun.

So, please welcome Holly's mum, Lynne, and Phil's mother, Pat.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Just sit yourself there.

-Thank you very much.

-Take up a bit of couch.

Buster... Thank you.

MUSIC: Theme from Austin Powers

APPLAUSE

Well, it's great to have you both on the show.

-Thank you very much for coming to visit us.

-Oh, thank you.

And it feels a bit like the in-laws meeting each other for the

first time.

-Do you guys know each other well?

-Just odd times we've met, yes.

Did you ever imagine back in the day that Holly and Phil would be

such a huge part of all of our mornings?

Well, as far as Phillip was concerned, yes. Because...

Oh, he's had it. Oh, he's had it.

Because from being knee-high to a grasshopper,

he used to walk about the house with a tea trolley.

And he used... He used to interview everybody.

-So he hasn't changed?

-No.

I did used to put a cardboard box on the top of the tea trolley,

-it wasn't just a tea trolley. It was a proper camera.

-Oh.

The cardboard box on the top.

-You were going for a tracking shot, a tracking shot?

-Yes.

-Lynne, what about Holly?

Did she show any signs when she was younger that she was going to

-turn out to be...

-Not really.

They were always putting on plays and things, so dressing up.

-And would she be the star of the play?

-Yes.

-Yes. This one's the same.

-Was I?

My sister's going to be watching at home, going, "I was the star!"

Lynne, Holly wrote a book about parenting.

-Did she learn all her parenting skills from you?

-I don't think so.

That's not true. That's not true.

No, I learned an awful lot from my mum. But the thing was,

Mum didn't really remember anything about being pregnant with us.

When I was writing the book, one of the things I wanted to do was write it all down and

-document it at the time, because you forget these things so quickly.

-Yes.

-A lot going on.

-I never, ever forget it, no. No, I never forget it.

She was 7lbs 19oz.

I used to wake her up in the middle of the night,

"You destroyed by fanny, you did!"

APPLAUSE

I never forget it. Never.

-We have a picture of Lulu and her mammy.

-Oh.

-Aw!

-Aw!

Which one is you?

APPLAUSE

-And that's Billy.

-That's your brother, Billy?

Heading for the air raid shelter.

Lynne and Pat, we have to ask you, how come these two always

just disintegrate into fits of giggles when they're on the show?

-Are you a giggly person?

-No, I'm more serious, I think.

No, you're not! You're not.

We have a particular clip of you two giggling after you made

-a funny noise?

-Oh, yeah, I know. Never made it since.

-You don't know where it came from?

-I don't know.

-Will we have a look?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Yes.

-Well, the best...

-Are you all right?

-I'm fine. Sorry.

Got a bit...of sandy clam stuck in your throat?

THEY LAUGH

HOLLY MAKES STRANGE NOISE

THEY LAUGH

What the hell was...?!

What was that noise?! You never...

THEY LAUGH

APPLAUSE

-Were they giggly as children?

-No. No.

-Holly was very giggly.

I think that I share my mother's filthy sense of humour.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooo!

-Ah!

Ah!

APPLAUSE

The thing that started that all off in the first place was

a cookery item where we were cooking clams.

And the chef was cleaning them out.

-And you'd said, "How do you get the sand out on the clams?"

-Because nobody like...

"No-one likes a sandy clam."

Which is true. Which is true.

Hose down your clam and then you don't get any sand in it.

-Well, speaking...

-Give me the fucking box.

We're going to need a bigger box.

Where did I hear that before? Oh, yes.

Oh, Mammy, speaking of food,

why don't you go and see how chef Aly is doing with the food?

Lynne, Pat, would you like to come in and join me in the kitchen?

-We'll go and meet chef Aly.

-Lovely.

-We'll have a one-to-one in the kitchen.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much.

This side, Lynne. Come down here. Look at this.

SHE GIGGLES

-Who's this?

-Holly and Kelly, her sister.

-They're just always cuddly, always together.

-And were they very close sisters?

-Very close.

-Which was the bossy one?

Holly always beat Kelly, even though she was the oldest.

So if they'd have a tumble...

-She was the strong one.

-Look at that. Look at this.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-I know, aren't they absolutely...?

Hard to believe they turned out to be the rats that they are.

Who's this? You wouldn't see a child dressed like that now.

You're dying to see it, aren't you? You're dying to see it.

It's lovely, it really is lovely. Look at that.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

APPLAUSE

Phillip Schofield on the beach with his little dickie.

Just come over here and see what Aly is making for us.

Now, I know, Lynne, Holly's favourite dish is her chicken Kiev.

-She likes chicken Kiev.

-She loves it.

-Aly is doing that for you.

-Are you a good cook yourself?

-Wonderful cook.

Hold on a second, did you just laugh?

-Holly Willoughby, did you just laugh?

-Can I just say something?

I don't think my mum will mind me saying - until I left home,

I never had a roast chicken that wasn't cooked in the microwave.

My mum...

And I'm not saying it was a bad thing, it was really delicious,

but she would open the door, slam it in, shut the door...

How long would you put it on? We used to call it "chicken ding".

-It was different times.

-Yes.

We've been married 40 years, and when I first got married,

microwaves came out, and that's the way you cooked!

Absolutely.

-How about you, do you cook at all?

-Not now.

I used to. I used to have a guesthouse.

We used to take 26 visitors.

-Did Phillip grow up in that guesthouse life?

-Yes, he did.

Do you think that's probably why he's so good with people?

Probably, because he used to go around with a pretend microphone,

and he'd say, "I'm just giving an interview with these visitors."

-So he was destined to be where he is.

-Yeah.

And you reckon Holly had none of that in her whatsoever?

No, she was quite happy under the table with a bit of cotton,

in her own world.

LAUGHTER

A little dreamer.

But she used to make brilliant bird boxes.

-She made bird boxes?!

-Yeah.

It was a bit freaky when she made this eight-foot cross,

and made a stake...

LAUGHTER

-LAUGHING:

-She...

-She didn't ask you to put your hands out

like that, did she?

She stapled all these rhododendrons to the cross,

and then she tapped on the window, and we had to think,

"Oh, this is a bit weird",

so we had to drag it up the street to the church.

It was Easter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Holly Willoughby!

And you thought YOU were weird.

You turned your mother into Jesus Christ.

Dragging the cross through the village.

OK, so that's the chicken kiev, what are you doing for Phillip?

We're not doing microwave here.

We're doing vegetables, nice carrots, beetroots,

potato and stuff for the chicken kiev,

and we're doing also something nice from Cornwall.

-Absolutely beautiful.

-Also something for Lulu.

-Oh, a surprise for Lulu?

-Yeah, she's dairy.

-She doesn't like dairy?

That's lovely. Well, she'll go...

# Ye-ay-ay-ay-ay-eah... #

LAUGHTER

Reggae.

MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy

AUDIENCE CLAP IN RHYTHM

Enough, enough, enough!

OK, now, Aly, we'll let you carry on there,

we're going to go back in to Phillip and the Birdwoman of Alcatraz.

And we'll see what they're up to. Follow me.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

-You make it easy for us.

-You two, you two and your stories.

Well, we had a great time in the kitchen.

Now, just one more thing. Phil, one of our favourite shows is The Cube.

Big time, big time...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Big, big fans.

How do you think you would get on with one of those games?

Cos we never actually see you playing.

I've played a few when we were rehearsing,

and some I'm all right, some I'm very, very bad.

-Holly, do you think you could beat Phil?

-I am ridiculously competitive.

-OK.

-Stand by, stand by, I have the game...

-Can I help?

-Oh, no, I'm ready for this.

I use this to feed Grandad when he's not in form for eating.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So we have some cherry tomatoes here.

-Just going to choose my weapon.

-Choose your weapon.

And the idea is to get it into the funnel...

and then it will work its way down and feed Grandad.

-So we can just lower the lights. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh.

-OK.

Build up a bit of tension.

TENSE MUSIC

And then it's go on, Holly. Go on, go on.

-OK.

-Holly is taking off her shoes!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-OK, in my own time?

-In your own time, Holly.

-ALL:

-Ohh!

-It was so close.

-OK, Phillip.

-I'm better than you.

LAUGHTER

Uh, yet to be proved, Schofield.

SHE SHOUTS TO DISTRACT HIM

FANFARE

APPLAUSE

Well done!

-Congratulations, Phillip, well done.

-Thank you.

Hopefully we've built up a bit of an appetite.

Well, let's find out. I'll check with Aly.

-Excuse me a moment, please, thank you very much.

-Thanks, Mammy.

Oh, Aly, that is beautiful. Look at that!

CHEERING Come on.

-Ooh-ooh.

-Wow.

-Look at them.

-Oh, my God.

-Wow.

-Isn't that just gorgeous?

-Oh, it smells...

-It does indeed.

-So, Aly, tell us what we have here?

-We have a chicken kiev for Holly...

-HOLLY:

-Thank you.

..and we have also cream scones with all the fruit,

and the best of Cornwall for Phil, and I haven't forgot you, Lulu.

I got that for you.

Ohhh, Lulu.

Right, you dish it up.

Follow me to the audience. I've got some scones, look at that.

Let's see who'd like to try the Cornish tea.

-The happy couple, would you like to try one?

-Yes, please.

I said buckin' one.

-There you go.

-Thanks, darling.

That's for feeling my wig, thank you.

Definitely getting a thumbs up here. Ten out of ten from the audience.

APPLAUSE

OK, guys. Holly, Phil, Lulu, what do you think?

-Is it better than your mum's?

-Steady on.

I don't know about you, Holly, it's not the microwave!

It's a revelation.

Well, that's all we have time for on The Cathy Brown Show tonight,

a huge thanks to all my guests.

Lulu...

CHEERING

Holly!

Phillip!

Lynne and Pat!

And of course, Chef Aly!

Join us next week, when Cathy will be joined by James Bond

and Mickey Rooney's mother in a matchbox.

LAUGHTER

No, I won't, Mammy. We'll see you soon,

and we'll go over now to Father Damien and Trevor

for Thought for the Day. Goodnight.

Hello there. As you can see, Father Damien and I are playing cards.

Poker.

Now, I wouldn't recommended gambling to anyone,

but a friendly game of cards in the evening can be fun.

You know, winning isn't everything.

-Where were we?

-It's your bet.

OK, let me think.

I often think about the Bible when I'm playing cards.

For instance, when I see these three kings, I think of

the wise kings that sought out the Baby Jesus

to acknowledge him as the Christ.

That's right, Trevor, they followed a star for days that they knew

would lead them to where the Blessed Virgin Mary was.

In a cold stable, swaddling the Saviour.

That's right, Damien.

And when I see three jacks, I think of the shepherds that

those wise kings stopped to ask for directions.

That's right, Damien, what else?

When I see a 10, I think of the Ten Commandments Moses

brought down from the mountain.

That's right, Damien.

And did he have just one Ten Commandments, or two?

Oh, just the one, Trevor.

But they were on TWO tablets.

Very good, Damien. Another lesson is,

you will come across times in your life when you hold all the cards.

So, what are you going to do, Damien?

I'll raise you one euro.

-Too good for me, Damien.

-Yes! Yes! Yes!

So, there's your two thoughts for the day - nothing wrong

with a friendly game, winning isn't everything.

# You're very flippin' quiet over there

# You're very flippin' quiet over there... #

OK, Damien, settle down.

Good night.

Well, it all seems to be going very well tonight, very well.

It's lovely to see your children, like Cathy, doing so well,

but it's not easy trying to being a mammy, it's not.

You can only do your best to make sure they're happy.

After that, feck them.

LAUGHTER

Things can go wrong from time to time.

Say you were buying your son a flying lesson,

one he'd always wanted, and then you end up ruining it

by continually throwing up all over the back of the plane.

Isn't that true, Neda Arshadi?

Neda, our Mammy of the Week! Come on down to me, Neda.

CHEERING

Now, every week we want to reward a fine mammy

with our Mammy of the Week award.

And you've been nominated by your son John.

And if any of you are wondering why, take a look at this.

Hi, Mum, surprise, I have

nominated you to be Mammy of the Week.

I think you are the best mum in the world.

RECORD SCRATCHES

But you're also a total nightmare.

She's belting out Christmas songs in July.

I'm superstitious about that stuff.

She's also a big fan of hugging mascots

outside toyshops and talking to them.

I don't understand why.

-She loves saying

-BLEEP

-and

-BLEEP.

Despite all the things that you've done that I consider embarrassing,

you really are a superwoman who does everything for us.

We all think you're amazing and we don't know what we'd do without you.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

Now it's tough being a mammy, but like me you have a best friend

you like to bounce everything off and share a cup of tea with, am I right?

-Oh, yes.

-What's her name?

-Wendy.

-And she's here tonight.

-No.

-NEDA LAUGHS

-She's watching at home, though.

-Is she?

Yeah, she loves the programme, she's Irish as well.

-Oh, is she Irish?

-Yeah!

Hello, Wendy. Go home to Ireland.

Well, I want to give you this award,

but first you have to play a game, and the game is up in my boxroom.

Come up and see what's in Mammy's Box.

# It's going to make your day, it's going to rock your socks

# When you've seen what's in Mammy's Box. #

Close that door now, close that door.

Now, the way this works is this.

I'm going to give you one of my best tea towels.

And you can see they're all covered in prizes.

He has prizes, she has prizes.

Look at this, cinema tickets - you have to be over 18.

LAUGHTER

And then he has one or two prizes as well...

It's entirely up to you, you can pick my son Mark,

or you can pick the lovely Maria, or...Buster!

CHEERING

-Whichever one you want to pick.

-I think I'll pick Buster.

Great choice!

OK, Maria, off you go, and off you go there, Mark.

Now, time starts as soon as he starts spinning,

keep going until you hear the gong.

I'll just put that down there, because you might need some help.

NEDA LAUGHS

Stand yourself there, we'll give him a little spin to get him going,

here we go - and the time starts now.

LOUD SLAPPING

-AUDIENCE:

-Yay!

-Ohhh.

-OK.

I make that 331 euro!

CHEERING

Gather up the stars, let's see what you've got.

You've won, eh... NEDA LAUGHS

You've won make-up...

-Not that you need it.

-Awww.

-You've won a manicure.

-Ooh!

-Flowers.

-Aww.

-And the key to my box.

-The key to your box.

OK, you take the key out that and I'll go and get me box.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

There. We'll open the box.

And I'll let you...

LAUGHTER

I'll let you open the box, Neda.

DA-DA!

Ohh!

You can bring Wendy.

Most important for Neda, our Mammy of the Week.

Neda, it's Indian night down at Foley's and I'm dying for a curry.

I'll have to shoot down.

While I'm doing that, just tidy up around here,

and if Buster throws up, mop it up.

Neda - give her a round of applause.

CHEERING

Oh, I hope these Kaiser Chiefs are quick, get here soon,

cos I want to shake me boogie.

Oh, look!

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

How are you?

-Oh, Ricky...

-How you doing?

-So good to see you.

-How you doing?

-Fantastic. Obviously not as good as you.

-I'm doing great.

I've seen you on every TV programme that there is!

You've got to get your face out there, get the profile up.

I know you and the boys are singing the new single,

it's called Hole in my Soul, No Arse in My Trousers.

LAUGHTER No, no!

No, it's not. No, no, it's called Hole in my Soul.

It is, yes.

Any possibility you would sing one of my favourites?

I like the Tony Bennetts, Jim Reeves, Frank Sinatra,

you know any of those songs?

-Are you asking for a request?

-Would you mind?

# And now...

# The end is near... #

Well, we've about seven minutes.

LAUGHTER

# And so I face the final curtain... #

No more shows after this one, no?

# My friend, I'll say my... #

-You'll say it clear.

-# ..clear

-# I'll state my case... #

-He'll state his case.

# Of which I'm certain... #

Nearly certain!

-# I've lived...

-I've lived...

-BOTH:

-# A life that's full

-ALL:

-# I've travelled each and every highway... #

In a van with those reprobates.

M1!

# Much more than this... #

All together!

# I did it my way. #

Thank you so much.

CHEERING

Thank you for having us on, we really appreciate it.

Thank you, Ricky. Ricky...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Ricky, Ricky...

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, now singing from their latest album,

which is magnificent, Hole in my Soul, the Kaiser Chiefs!

# Strike up the band

# Give yourself a great big hand

# And all together now

# All together now, strike up the band

# Bring down the house

# Once more with feeling now, I'll try to make it count

# It's all for you, so take a bow

# And everybody gave up

# Until we start from the top again

# Take it all from the top, the top, the top, the top

# There's a hole in my soul

# That can only be filled by you again

# There's a hole in my soul

# That could only be fixed by two

# It can never be filled, never be filled

# Never be filled by anyone else but you

# It can never be filled, never be filled

# Never be filled by anyone else but you... #

How's it going? Is it going all right?

-Amazing.

-Going all right?

-Amazing!

# Whip up the crowd

# Get 'em going nice and loud

# You're the only one I see

# You're the only one, it's you and me

# Everybody gave up

# Until we start from the top again

# Take it all from the top, the top, the top, the top

# There's a hole in my soul

# That can only be filled by you again

# There's a hole in my soul

# That can only be PHIL-ED by two

# It can never be filled, never be filled

# Never be PHIL-ED by anyone else but you

# It can never be filled, never be filled

# Never be filled by anyone else but you... #

Yeah!

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

-How's it going, all right?

# You find each person in the world the same

# We're just the same

# We're the same

# There's a hole in my soul

# That can only be filled by you again

# There's a HOLLY in my soul

# That can only be filled by you again

# There's a hole in my soul

# That a galaxy could fit through. #

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A wonderful night again tonight. How lucky are we?

It was lovely meeting Marie McDonald McLaughlin Lawrie.

Or as you call her, Lulu.

She's such a real star.

And what about our two mammy guests, Pat and Lynne?

I bet they could tell more stories than they were letting on.

And Adam Woodyatt, what a perfect guest for Dermot.

Even looked like a bus conductor!

LAUGHTER

The thing I've enjoyed most about these guests

so far is they've all been nice people.

And none nicer than Phillip Schofield, he's such a gentleman.

And then there's Holly Willoughby, award-winner, figure like

an hourglass, golden hair, gorgeous face - she makes me sick.

Still, they brighten my day every time they say "good morning"

on This Morning. And now it's time for me to say goodnight to you.

Have a great weekend, and I hope that any rain that falls

into your life this weekend is followed by a rainbow. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Make a date, don't be late

# Cos you know it's going to be great

# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

# To begin, just tune in, and you'll wear an ear-to-ear grin

# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown

# Instead of feeling depressed

# We have to make you feel best

# So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's! #