Episode 3 All Round to Mrs Brown's

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

# Make a date, don't be late cos you know it's going to be great

# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

# To begin, just tune in and you'll wear a new grin

# Watching Agnus and he can act the clown

# You're scared of feeling depressed

# They'll have to make you feel best

# So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round To Mrs Brown's.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Stop it, now. Thank you so much. You're all so kind.

Thank you very much.

Well, you're welcome to another Saturday night at my house.

LAUGHTER

I spend most of my Saturday nights here, now. Yeah.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-Oh, God, I wasn't like that when I was a younger girl.

Oh, God, no.

Oh, God, I went out every Saturday night and sowed me wild oats.

LAUGHTER

And then went to Mass on Sunday and prayed for a crop failure.

LAUGHTER

I met my husband, Redser, I met him at a Saturday night dance.

I didn't like him at first. He tried to be so cool.

I used to get a cigarette and he was over like a flash

and clicked his lighter.

LAUGHTER

He just went, "Bond, James Bond."

I went... Off, Feck off!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Get well soon.

I'm not sick.

Any time I feel like I don't want to clean the house,

I put these out in case anyone calls.

Oh, she's too sick to clean.

Yeah, yeah, where was I? Oh, Redser, yeah.

I'll never forget his last words.

"Oh, fuck, it's a bus."

LAUGHTER

Yes.

And all he left me was a litter of kids and this old fart.

-I had him at the doctor today. AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-What did he say?

He said, "You're not going to make it."

LAUGHTER

There you go. And you're in for a great treat tonight.

Now, Cath has been causing quite a stir with her video blog.

She told me that she got 50,000 likes last week.

I thought she said licks. I nearly passed out.

LAUGHTER

Chef Aly has become quite a star with his continental accent

and that twinkle in his eye.

Dermot and Buster are still trying to get their celebrity tours

off the ground but the best of all is that there's you, the audience.

You're going to be a huge part of this show.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Let's see if we've anybody interesting in tonight.

LAUGHTER

We've been taking notes.

-Angus McDermott? Hello, how are you?

-Hello.

It tells me here that you've got a sheep farm.

Oh, she's telling him to stand up. Stand up.

I've been chasing sheep for 50 years now.

You've been chasing sheep for 50 years?!

I can see why.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you have the dogs and do you do the whistling the dog and all that?

-Yes...

-I've got four dogs. Give me an example. Give me an example.

How would you get a dog to turn right?

HE WHISTLES

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-That puts the dog to the right.

-I bet it does.

And what was the dog to the left?

HE DOES A WOLF WHISTLE

LAUGHTER

I bet you could make a U-turn.

Nice to meet you, nice to meet you.

APPLAUSE

-Winston Jefferson. Where's Winston Jefferson?

-Hiya.

Now it says here that Winston is a male model.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Fronts a campaign called, Are You Getting Enough?

LAUGHTER

We have a photograph of you. Look at this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Stand up, stand up.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

You handsome bastard!

LAUGHTER

So, give me your best Blue Steel look.

Let me think. That gentleman, there, with no hair.

You stand up and give us a Blue Steel look.

Let's try your Blue Steel look.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

Winston, there's so much you could learn from him.

Lend him your cowboy hat.

-Where's Andy and Mary Millen?

-Hi.

-Hi, how are you doing?

-Good, thank you.

Stand up, both of you, because I want to see you. Look at them.

-Now, you're an ABBA tribute act.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-There's four in ABBA.

LAUGHTER

-The other two are at home.

-Oh, do we have a picture of them?

Oh, look at that. From behind.

So, are you getting much work? Getting a lot of work?

-Yes, pretty busy, uh-huh.

-Uh-huh!

LAUGHTER

So, what's your favourite number to do? What's something you like doing?

Oh, I like a bit of Dancing Queen.

-Oh, would you mind giving us a bit of Dancing Queen?

-Of course.

Ladies and gentlemen, what's it called?

-Dancing Queen.

-I know...

LAUGHTER

-What's the tribute act?

-Oh, we're called FABBAlous.

Ladies and gentlemen, singing Dancing Queen...

FABBAlous.

# You can dance you can jive

# Having the time of your life

# Ooh, see that girl watch that scene

# Digging the Dancing Queen. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Mary, that was fantastic and I love it.

You didn't open your mouth at all.

I can't get a word in edgeways.

Welcome to my world.

Do sit down, thank you very much. FABBAlous, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What time is it?

Maria was supposed to pick up the guests.

Well, one of them had to trade ages ago

and bring him down to Wash And Blow.

-Hi, Mrs Brown.

-Hello, Maria.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

-This is Ross.

CHEERING

-You're popular.

-Not at home, I'm not.

-It's good to see you.

Maria, were you not supposed to bring him down to Wash And Blow?

Nobody told me. I have to go.

No, but you're supposed to bring him into Wash And Blow

-and get him ready...

-Lovely to see you, Ross.

-Lovely to see you.

-Maria, Maria...

-Bye, Mrs Brown.

-Well, don't leave... Don't leave...

LAUGHTER

Now I know how Tiffany felt.

LAUGHTER

-Can I get you a cup of tea?

-I would love a cup of tea.

How do you take it?

I like the water boiling,

I like the teabag to be squeezed for about three seconds,

then removed and then about 3mls of milk placed on the top.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, you're a bit confused.

I meant, do you want a cup or a buckin' mug?

LAUGHTER

I'll have a mug.

APPLAUSE

Motherfucking barista.

So, Ross, it's lovely to see you. What's the latest travels?

I've just come back from Israel/Palestine and before

that, I was in Libya and Iraq, Syria, Mongolia, Mozambique,

the Philippines and I got home for Christmas.

You must be a barrel of laughs at a fuckin' party.

LAUGHTER

Hello, Rory, love.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How are you, Mammy?

-I'm good, I'm good.

I thought this guest was supposed to drop into Wash And Blow ages ago

and he hasn't turned yet. How are you? Argh!

LAUGHTER

Rory, Rory, this is Ross.

-Hi, Rory.

-Oh, hello, how are you?

I'm great.

Cathy says I have to touch up.

Rory, Rory.

You're like a battery with jump leads on.

Rory, you have to take Ross down and get him ready for the make-up,

-all right? Good luck, see you later on, Ross.

-See you later, Mrs Brown.

-Ross Kemp, ladies and gentlemen.

-See ya.

APPLAUSE

Rory!

You're supposed to bring him down to Wash And Blow.

I don't know what you're going to blow.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Winnie.

Well, if that was one of Rory's clients,

I think he took a bit too much off the top.

MRS BROWN LAUGHS

No, it's one of Cathy's guests for her video blog. Ross Kemp.

-Oh.

-Yeah, he was born like that.

-Ah.

-Well, I just popped over to ask you a quick question.

-OK. What is it?

-What's vertigo?

-Vertigo?

-Yeah.

I think it's how you ask for directions in Germany.

-Why, what about it?

-Well, Dr Flynn thinks I could be suffering from it.

I mean, sometimes during the day,

Agnes, I forget everything and I don't know where I am.

Sure, that's you most of the feckin' time.

THEY LAUGH

I just popped over to ask you a quick question.

-Jesus, Winnie, are you all right?

-Ha-ha! Got you!

APPLAUSE

Bitch!

Get out of here, get out!

APPLAUSE

That one Winnie McGoogan, she makes me laugh, you know.

-Are you there, Ma?

-Oh, Dermot. Hello, son. Hello, Buster. APPLAUSE

Hello, Mrs Brown.

Why are you so sad?

HE LAUGHS

Let's do it again!

-Are you there, Ma?

-Yes, son.

-Hello, son. Hello, Buster.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

You look a bit...

You look very down, love. Are you all right?

This celebrity guided tour business. I just want it to be a huge success.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

DERMOT SNIGGERS

Well, I know how you can make it a success.

Why don't I go into the kitchen and you fucking start again?

APPLAUSE

-Are you there, Ma?

-Oh, Dermot, love. Hello.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

Hello, Buster. Dermot, you look a bit down. What's wrong?

This celebrity guided tour business. It's tough, Ma.

Especially with Buster as my business partner.

-He's right, it's really tough.

-I just want it to be a huge success.

A wildlife adventure tour with a genuine celebrity wildlife expert.

Well, it was never really going to work, Dermot,

with that celebrity you got.

He couldn't even speak to the animals. I said to him...

HE BARKS

HE BLEATS

He just looked at me like I was stupid.

Shut up, Buster.

Maybe you spoke the wrong language. Why didn't you speak like a giraffe?

-How does a giraffe speak?

-You were there, I wasn't, love.

-Anyway, what happened, son?

-It's a long story.

Well, I've got plenty of time, love.

HARP PLAYS

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: The Circle Of Life by Elton John

-Buster, hurry up, he'll be here any second.

-Sorry, Dermot.

Nearly finished.

HE FARTS

TARZAN YELL

-You know, there's a toilet just over there.

-Sorry, Dermot.

Right, this celebrity animal expert better hurry up.

-We've got customers waiting.

-Ah. Here he is now.

-Cue the music.

MUSIC: Welcome To The Jungle by Guns N' Roses

-APPLAUSE

-David Attenborough?

-No, Buster.

I told you, David Attenborough wouldn't do it.

He said this kind of thing was beneath him.

So this is Steve Backshall. He's nearly as good anyway.

# In the jungle, welcome to the jungle

# Watch it bring you to your... #

# Kn-n-n-n-n-n-knees... #

# It's gonna bring you down Huh! #

-Hi, Steve.

-Steve, this is Buster.

-Hi, Buster.

-Hi, Steve.

So you know all there is to know about animals?

-Well, no-one knows everything.

-What's the most dangerous one?

-I guess snakes.

-What do you do if a snake bites you?

Well, the first thing you do is you bite the wound site and you

-suck the venom out.

-What if it bites you on the willy?

Well, then I guess you find out who your friends really are.

You're my friend, aren't you, Dermot?

Not that kind of friend, Buster.

# I got the eye of the tiger

# A fighter, dancing through the fire

# Cos I am a champion

# And you're going hear me roar... #

-Steve, is that a real animal?

-They're giraffes!

Isn't the baby one lovely?

What does he taste like, Steve?

Steve, are there any animals here that have not been discovered yet?

No.

Driver! Animal!

On your right... Your right.

Yeah, your right. ..you will see a rhino.

THEY CHEER

-I think. Is that a rhino, Steve?

-Yes.

The two big horns at the front there, those are a real giveaway.

How big is a rhino's horn, Steve?

Have you ever held one?

APPLAUSE

Hey, everybody, look, a tiger!

THEY WHOOP

THEY HUM: Eye Of The Tiger by Survivor

Take it away, Steve.

# It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight

# Rising up to the challenge of our rival

# And the last known survivor... #

HE HUMS

APPLAUSE

So, we have come to the end of the safari tour, ladies and gentlemen.

THEY GROAN

We hope you enjoyed your adventure with us today.

THEY CHEER

If you did, then please show your appreciation by giving us a tip.

If you had a good tour, give a bit more.

THEY CHEER

-A fantastic trip deserves a good...?

-ALL: Tip!

Pay at the front and don't be a...?

-I'm not saying that.

-THEY LAUGH

Scrooge, Steve. Scrooge.

That is the tour finished.

If you can, please make your way slowly off the bus.

Move it, come on!

Well done today, boys, we did great. We done 82 quid in tips.

So, 30 quid for me, 30 quid for Buster and 22 quid for taxes and charges.

But you said you'd give me something for the animals.

RUSTLING

Here.

You're idiots.

That's the circle of life, Steve.

APPLAUSE

HARPS PLAYS

It sounds like you were doing your best, son. You'll get there in the end. And I am proud of you.

-Thanks, Ma.

-Come here.

-Thanks, Mrs Brown.

-Feck off.

I went on holiday once to a safari park with my Redser.

The things we got up to.

SHE LAUGHS

He said I was an animal in bed.

A hippo?

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooo!

Let's go, Buster.

APPLAUSE

# It's the eye of the tiger... #

SHE HUMS

-Hello, Cathy.

-Hiya, Mammy.

-What are you doing?

-Oh, just some guest research.

-Oh, yeah.

I met that nice young man who does the gang-bangers.

It's not gang-banging, Mammy, he infiltrate gangs.

But, yes, Ross Kemp is on my show tonight.

And Kevin Bridges, I'm really excited.

-He's hilarious.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Well, listen, maybe I can help.

Between us, I'm sure we can come up with a few decent questions.

-Like what?

-Well,

"Ross, who have you styled yourself on today?

"Humpty Dumpty?"

And what about this? "Oh, Kevin, you're so fair skinned.

"I'd say you sunburn easily. Do you? Do you burn, Bridges?"

APPLAUSE

No, thank you, Mammy, I will not be asking any of those questions.

Well, you mightn't, but I'll just hang on to them later, in case I need them.

When Chef Aly gets here, will you give him that from me?

Chef Aly's in, is he?

And he's cooking a very special dish for one of my guests tonight.

And this is the recipe. So please remember to give it to him.

I will remember to give it to him!

Sometimes you speak to me like I'm five.

Sometimes you act like you're five, Mammy.

Goodbye.

(Bitch!)

Oh, hello, Chef Aly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

-Hello, Chef Aly.

Reggae!

# Mr Boombastic tell me fantastic

# Touch me on me back she say I'm Mr Ro...

# ..mantic. Call me fantastic... #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Well, Chef Aly, I've got to give you this list of ingredients.

-You're cooking a dish for Kevin Bridges, I believe?

-Yes.

So what are you going to cook? Something special?

-Yeah...

-What is it?

-..very special.

-Oh, lovely. What is it?

-Lasagne.

-LAUGHTER

But with a twist.

-With a twist?

-Yeah.

-It sounds delicious.

And we have a picture of it to show you at home. Have a look.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Ooh!

Do it again, Chef. Go on.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Look, I'm going to leave you with it.

-Yep.

But before I go...reggae.

# Mr Boombastic tell me fantastic

# Touch me on me back she says I'm Mr Ro...

# ..mantic call me fantastic. #

# Touch me on me... #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

See you, Chef. Chef Aly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SHE SIGHS

Agnes, why is it so hard for a woman to be successful in business?

Well, because she doesn't have a wife.

-Yeah.

-AGNES LAUGHS

You're very wise, Agnes.

Well, Winnie, compared to you, that fucking beer mat is wise.

LAUGHTER

-A lot of people think so, you know?

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah, and people are still writing in with their problems.

-Oh!

-Yeah. Here, you take that one, I'll take this one.

-OK.

-What have you got?

-This one is from Deborah Hancock and she writes,

"I have two window cleaners but can't decide which one to use

"for fear of hurting their feelings."

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

-Now, where are you, Deborah? I know, it's a tough one, isn't it?

-It is.

That girl beside you looks like she came on a motor cycle.

So, Deborah, you know, window cleaners are hard to get.

You know, I'd go for the one with the biggest cock.

OK, who have we got? Mark Wilson. Where are you, Mark?

-How are you, Mark? How are you?

-Fine.

Mark says, "The local football team play at the side of my house

"and they keep banging their balls off my wall.

"What should I do?" Send them over to my fucking house.

Thank you, Mark.

What have you got, Winnie? The last one. What have you got?

Yeah. This is from Haley Matthews.

-Hello, Hayley. How are you?

-I'm good, thanks.

-Nice to see you.

Good to see you.

-And she says, "Dear Agnes, I eat a lot of soya beans..."

-Oh!

-"..which in turn means I get a lot of wind."

-Oh!

"My hold-in pants don't work any more

"as my stomach continues to grow

"with all the tea and biscuits I eat. I'm at my wits' end..."

Do you know what? We'll start again, Winnie, and try and read it

-like it's not a chapter out of fucking Genesis.

-Well...

-"Dear Agnes..."

-Yes.

"I eat a lot of soya beans, which means I get a lot of wind." Right?

"My hold on pants don't work any more. What should I do?"

-"I'm at my wits' end."

-Where's she again?

Fart.

-Oh, my God! What time is it? Winnie, I have to go.

-Oh!

-I don't want to miss Cathy's Show.

-Right.

Five, four, three, two, one...

# Lights aglow Here we go

# The Cathy Brown Show! #

Hello, there again and welcome to The Cathy Brown Show

with me, Cathy Brown.

I'll be giving you the uninterrupted inside scoop

on celebrity news and the world of show business.

I'm so excited to have my guests on tonight.

Please welcome the brilliant Ross Kemp

and Scotland's king of comedy Kevin Bridges!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You're very welcome. Sit down.

-You want me to go here?

Who's this guy?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Really?

Buster, what the hell are you dressed like that for?

I did it for Kevin.

-I love you, Kevin.

-I love you, Buster.

You're looking well, mate.

-Buster, get the lights.

-Oh, sorry!

-Thank you, Buster.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Freedom!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SHE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

I thought I was going to be too late.

-Hello, Kevin. How are you?

-Hello, Agnes.

-Lovely to meet you.

-Good to see you. What a lovely boy.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

-Hello, again.

-You made it, Mammy. Yay!

-Yeah, I did. I did, I did.

-I thought I was going to be too late.

-Oh, well, unfortunately not.

-So, Kevin...

-Yes?

..we all know you're one of the hardest working comedians.

Tell us about your next tour. Where are you off to next?

I'm going to be doing some warm-up shows soon.

I'm going to Australia first, which is where I first met your mother.

We met as well. We met together in Australia - Melbourne.

She was standing at the urinal beside me.

LAUGHTER

It's an old family trick.

So I'm going to be starting there

-and then New Zealand as well, hopefully.

-Fantastic.

Ross, what drew you to tackling such tough subject matter

in your documentaries? What brought you down that road?

A long time ago I was asked to stand in to present a documentary

about America's relationship with guns and I met a guy who

was in the Bloods gang.

They told me before I met him he'd been shot 26 times.

I didn't believe anyone could be shot 26 times and survive and,

apart from being a very lucky man, he was a very bright man

and I couldn't help thinking if he'd been born somewhere else...

He wouldn't be like a sieve.

LAUGHTER

Can I just ask you something on Cathy's behalf?

Is he single?

No, he's got a wife and a lot of kids.

So I went home, I rang up some people that I knew and I said I've

got an idea of a programme called Ross Kemp On Gangs, very obviously.

-And we made 27 of them.

-Wow!

APPLAUSE

-So it was quite by accident?

-Yes, a sort of fluke. Yeah.

Not on purpose.

Well, the best things, you know, happen by accident.

LAUGHTER

Thanks, Mammy.

Ross, I'm sure my viewers would be interested to know -

you've been in some really, really scary situations

but is there anything that actually scares you?

I would say airports but I spend a lot of time in jungles,

a lot of time in the desert and snakes are particularly something

-that I don't like.

-And it's never changed?

-Like, you haven't...?

-No.

-You're not going to get over it?

We were in East Timor and they've got 22-metre-long snakes there.

-Not nice.

-Oh, God, no! No, I wouldn't like that.

LAUGHTER

Kevin, what are you scared of?

I don't like insects.

Cats kind of freak me out a little bit.

-Cats are evil.

-I don't trust them.

-No, I don't trust them.

-There's something sneaky...

-Yeah. I like dogs.

-I love dogs.

-I love dogs.

-You have a lovely dog.

-I do.

He's a golden retriever, allegedly, but I think he's been crossed

with something that is far bigger - something like a wolf.

I've seen a photograph. Have a look at this.

This is him here.

You've got the same sort of face.

That's a golden retriever crossed with a donkey.

-And, Kevin, you have a rescue dog. am I right?

-That's right.

Aye, I got a dog at the Dogs Trust,

that's the jail for a dog that's done a bit of prison time.

I think Ross has actually done a documentary -

-Glasgow's Toughest Dogs. There she is there.

-Aww!

The dog's, kind of, a bit drunk there.

LAUGHTER

Well, Ross, it would be rude while you're here

-not to ask you about EastEnders.

-Of course.

I mean, we all loved you in it.

I mean, how much did you enjoy the last trip to Albert Square?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hang on a minute, he was a bastard!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-But, Mammy...

-No, I still get upset for Tiffany.

Oh, for God's sake, Mammy! You have to get over that!

-I wish he'd have got over it.

-Oh!

Did your family enjoy you being back in EastEnders?

My mum did. My dad doesn't care, I don't think,

and my wife's Australian and she's never, ever seen EastEnders.

So she didn't know who you were when she met you?

She didn't know I was Grant Mitchell, no.

She didn't know I was Ross Kemp either

because it was a bit of a blind date.

So you got her purely on personality?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My charm and good looks.

-And, Kevin...

-How did you meet your wife?

I'm not actually married yet, so I don't know.

-LAUGHTER

-I don't know.

Oh, Mammy, no, don't! Mammy, stop.

-Do you know? Cathy's not married.

-Mammy, please.

We talked about this. Please, do not do this to me.

-OK, just open a button, open a button.

-Stop it!

-Kevin, sorry about that.

-That's all right.

You've kind of caught the acting bug yourself, haven't you?

-You had a role in Rab C Nesbitt.

-Aye, that's right.

I played a guy that lived in a lift

and I only had one hand because a dolphin bit it off,

that was the story, and I had two lines.

So, aye, I definitely caught the acting bug.

So...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Finding material must be difficult with stand-up. What...

Where do you get most of your material from?

I don't know, that's a difficult question.

Some days you'll just get ideas, they'll just come to you.

Some nights you'll go to bed and you end up awake

for three or four hours because you're getting ideas.

I bet your father gives you a lot of material, does he?

My dad's good, aye.

It's not the best of stuff but he thinks it's funny,

so sometimes you'll chuck a few in.

My mum... She's the, kind of, an unconscious comedian.

-My dad's good...

-OK, so your mammy's like my mammy -

-she inspires you.

-Exactly.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

Well, as you know, one of my guests every week is joined by their

-mammy...

-Yes.

-..and we're very lucky that this week

we have your mum, Kevin.

Please welcome the beautiful Patricia!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How are you, Mum?

-Mum, this is Ross Kemp.

-Nice to meet you.

-This is Ross Kemp... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-He cheated on Tiffany.

-Oh, stop!

So, Patricia, we've read all about Kevin and his generosity,

I mean, paying off your mortgage, taking you away on holidays.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-When did this generosity start?

Well, he's always been a kind-hearted wee boy.

-Wee boy.

-Well...

-30 years old.

And what was the favourite gift he ever gave you?

-Oh, a wee Scottie dog...

-Aww!

-..that he got at a jumble sale.

Aww!

He probably stole it.

LAUGHTER

And, Kevin, you brought your Mammy to New York, I believe?

-For your 60th, remember that?

-Yeah, yeah.

On the Saturday it was her actual birthday

and we did the Sopranos tour and part of the Sopranos

is to take you to the Bada Bing strip club.

-For her 60th...

-So you brought your mammy?

-We went to the strippers. It was good, wasn't it?

-Yeah. Oh...

LAUGHTER

It went from a 60th to a stag weekend. It was...

Do you mind? Do you mind? I have a couple of questions to ask,

-so I'm going to ask them...

-Sorry...

-For who?

-..if I may? For me... Well, one for Ross.

SHE SIGHS

Do you ever get jealous of your brother?

Yeah, Spandau Ballet is a fabulous band

and he's more my successful than you.

-They're not brothers.

-They're not brothers?

-No.

Kevin... SHE LAUGHS

-Do you have any groupies?

-Erm...no.

Usually just middle-aged nutters I get...

-..at the stage door.

-Yeah, I just want to point out that

-twice I went to see you and...

-We did.

Yes, and I was at the bucking stage door.

Mammy, will you just go and check how Chef Aly's doing?

Patricia, would you like to come with me and we'll check

-and see how Chef Aly's doing?

-Yes.

-Come on.

We'll go over where the grub is and leave them together.

APPLAUSE

-Are you all right, Aly?

-Yes, I'm good.

We're just going to have a quick chat.

-This is the Scottie dog. Come up here and talk to me.

-Oh, right, OK.

-This is the Scottie dog that he got you.

-That's it.

-Look at that.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

Isn't that lovely? What was he like as a young child?

He was quite shy as a wee boy.

-I'm just looking...

-And he...

-I've got to school report here.

Wait till you hear this!

"Kevin has developed in confidence

"and is adopting to a more mature attitude.

"He is trying hard to overcome his nervousness."

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

He was 28.

LAUGHTER

-Look at that. AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

Look at our Kevin. Look there!

-He was a very handsome child. Was it a bad accident?

-Erm...

-A lot of people used to say he was like a cherub.

-A cherub?

-Yeah.

-Those little chubby angels?

-Yeah.

-Aww!

-I read his autobiography.

-Ah-ha?

He talked about when he lost his virginity.

-No!

-Did you not read that page?

-No!

-He booked a tart out.

I skipped that chapter!

-He's a lovely, lovely boy. Come over and meet Aly.

-OK.

Now, this is the meal that you reckon

-is Kevin's favourite meal?

-Oh, yeah.

So what are you doing? You're doing a lasagne?

-Yeah.

-And what's the twist?

The twist is we have Italian sausage.

-So is this Italian sausage here.

-Yeah, it is.

Let me have a look at this Italian sausage.

I've seen worse on a Friday night.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Reggae!

# Mr Boombastic tell me fantastic

# Touch me on me back she says I'm Mr Ro...

# ..mantic tell me fantastic

# Touch me... #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-Follow me, Patricia.

-OK.

Come on, let's go back in and see how they're doing.

APPLAUSE

You're back. Sit down.

So, Ross, you've had to survive some of the most dangerous

places on earth. So you must have picked up some combat

-and survival skills along the way?

-Little bits, yeah.

-Oh.

Give us a demonstration. Here, come round here.

-Show me.

-No...

-No, no, show me, show me.

Here Ross, show me.

Now, I have to warn you, Ross, I am trained.

LAUGHTER

So let's say I'm coming at you with...

With a...

-A fully-loaded banana.

-OK.

And I go...

APPLAUSE

Sorry about that.

No...

Not at all.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You missed.

That's given you something to build up an appetite, eh?

Let's see what Aly has cooked for us now.

And here we go. Look at this!

Chef Aly, everybody!

APPLAUSE

We've got a nice lasagne here for Kevin Bridges.

I do it with a twist, with Italian sausage,

-and you can see with a little bit of meatballs on the top.

-What's this?

-The surprise dish.

-The surprise dish. Is that a dessert?

Yeah, it's passion fruit with chopped mango

and strawberry and we can call it CRK.

-It's called CRK?

-Yeah.

-What's CRK?

Cream Ross Kemp.

Cream Ross Kemp!

APPLAUSE

They look delicious. Come on, tuck in, everybody.

-Yeah, try that, Ross.

-OK, thank you.

You've got to try a Cream Ross Kemp and, Kevin, give your mother

some of the lasagne and I'll try this. I'll come over to you.

Why don't you try that?

Aly, thank you.

Well, it's got 10 out of 10 up here.

-What do the guests think?

-Very nice.

I never thought I'd be eating my own cream, but there you go.

LAUGHTER

Tastes good!

APPLAUSE

-What do you think, Patricia?

-It's absolutely beautiful.

And does it work with the Italian sausage?

-Even better than my own.

-Better than yours?

-Yeah, definitely.

This is absolutely gorgeous.

I never thought I'd be eating Ross Kemp's cream either.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I've never been lost for words but that is too funny.

Wrap it up, Cathy. Wrap it up.

Well, that's all we have time for on The Cathy Brown Show.

A huge thanks to all my guests tonight...

-Ross Kemp...

-Thank you.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

..Kevin Bridges...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-..his mammy Patricia...

-Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, of course, Chef Aly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join Cathy next week when she'll be joined by Robert Redford

and Rocky Balboa's mother.

No, we won't, Mammy.

We'll see you soon.

But we'll go over now to St Jarlath's Church

for Thought For The Day. Goodnight, everybody.

ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, hello there. Welcome to Thought For The Day.

A little religion to send you off to bed with some happy thoughts.

Guess what I'm cooking for dinner? Go on, guess.

Damien, I'm in the middle of something.

Go on, I'll give you a hint.

Damien, were on air - Thought For The Day.

-Sorry, I was just doing the dinner.

-Damien, shush.

I know to some of you at home today the world seems to be getting

more and more fearful. Things that were once so simple

-now seem to be complicated.

-Tell me about it.

You have to use three different remotes for the telly.

What's that about?

LAUGHTER

-That's the phone.

-'Hello, is anybody there?'

And that's your mother.

Hello, Mum.

You'll hear terms like "alternative facts".

There are no alternative facts, only lies.

-Gobble.

-What?

That's the hint for dinner - gobble.

-Turkey.

-Is right!

Oh, right! (Sorry.)

To Jesus, life was simple and what he wanted was to make

-the path to heaven simple for everyone.

-Everyone.

Like when Jesus said, "I bring you a message from my father.

"Forget all the old rules, I give you just want rule -

"love thy neighbour."

-Simple.

-Simple.

So take that to bed with you tonight -

love thy neighbour.

Sleep well.

Here's another clue...

Buck, buck, buck!

-Chicken.

-No, mushrooms.

-Goodnight.

-Nighty-night!

That was a chicken.

Well, then, you do a mushroom.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, well, well...

It's not easy being a mammy,

which is why we want to reward some mammy every week with this,

the Mammy of the Week award. AUDIENCE OOHS

You see, at the head of every family you need a good mammy.

-Isn't that right? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Kamla Sall, isn't that right?

Yes, it's you! Come on down and say hello.

-I love you so much.

-Thank you.

-It's nice to meet you.

Now...

Kamla, you weren't expecting this, were you?

I wasn't expecting this, no.

No, or you wouldn't have worn that.

Kamla, you've been nominated by your lovely family up there.

Look at them up there.

APPLAUSE

Have a look at this.

Hi, Mum. Surprise!

I've nominated you to be the Mammy of the Week

because I think you're the greatest mum in the world.

But you're also a total nightmare.

It kind of goes...

SHE IMITATES KAMLA

But I can't do it!

She goes like this, and I don't know, it's really embarrassing.

She calls them mojos, or mojis.

My mum was saying, "Oh, you know what?

"I couldn't bring myself to eat testicles."

She meant tentacles.

She's banned from watching football in our house because she screams.

When Leicester did really well,

she overnight became Leicester's biggest fan.

Despite all these flaws, Mum, we really love you.

I idolise you, I think you're really kind, generous,

you've got a really good heart

and we really don't know what we'd do without you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tell us what you really think of your daughter now.

-I absolutely love my daughter. She's an angel.

-She sure is.

-She really, really is.

-And she told us so many things about you.

Tell us about the television. What's this about the exploding television?

I've got a really old television and it's a big fat thing like this,

and I think every house has got the thin ones

and I've got the big fat one, so...

And she said it'll be smoking and blowing and...

And doing all sorts of things. Yes, that's my television.

-Well, listen, how would you like to come upstairs to my box room?

-Ooh!

You can have a little peek inside my box.

Come on, up we go, and you'll get a chance to win some lovely prizes.

Come on! Give her a round of applause.

# It's going to make your day

# It's going to rock your socks

# When you've seen what's in Mammy's Box. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, Kamla, it's time for you to play Mrs Brown's Box.

-Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

-OK.

-Here in my box room are Buster, Grandad and Father Damien.

-OK.

Now, you can see they're all covered with money and also stars.

The big one is the one with the key.

-So, all you'll have to do is get that key to unlock my box.

-OK.

-Now, you need to pick Father Damien or Grandad or Buster.

-OK.

So whichever one you like - Grandad, Father Damien or Buster.

-Buster, please.

-Buster it is!

APPLAUSE

-For this you get my best tea towel.

-Oh, wow.

-OK, Father.

See you, Grandad. Bye-bye. Yeah, go back to sleep.

Now, you've got my best tea towel,

and what you do is whack every prize you can off him.

As much money and every prize you can...

LAUGHTER ..with the tea towel.

Now, when I say go, you'll have until the gong goes to get

as much money and prizes as you can.

-OK.

-And your time starts...now!

Oh!

GONG CHIMES

Hold it, hold it!

LAUGHTER

-Let's get the prizes up first.

-Oh, wow.

-A star there.

275 euro. Give her a round of applause!

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

280.

Now, let's have a look.

-Ooh.

-Well done.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Oh, my goodness.

And the key to Mrs Brown's box.

CHEERING

Buster, get the box.

Bring it over here.

Now, come over here.

Let's open the lock on the box.

I use the key, Buster usually opens it with just a hairpin.

LAUGHTER

Let's see what's in the box.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, my goodness!

-A new TV!

-And of course, Kamla, you get a Mammy of the Week award.

-Aww.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Now, Kamla, all you have to do now is tidy up here, OK?

-See you later, bye-bye. I'm off to the pub.

-Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

Hello, Father. Hello, Father.

Oh, thank you, darling.

I earned this.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God! It's Pixie Lott!

How are you?

Now...

Pixie, or should I say Victoria?

-How did you know my real name?

-Oh, I looked it up on the internet.

-You did?

-Yeah. Where did you get a name like Pixie?

Where did you get that name from?

Um, I've been nicknamed it since I was born, because I was

premature by seven weeks and I was really, really small.

But, yeah, it just stuck from birth, so everyone calls me Pixie.

-And you've done Breakfast At Tiffany's.

-Yeah.

-Oh, I believe you were absolutely marvellous in it.

-Aww...

So what's next, Lunch At Sharon's?

Tea With Bianca? Ricky!

-Oh, by the way, I heard you got engaged.

-Yeah, I did.

Oh, when are you due?

Um...

LAUGHTER

No, I'm not expecting.

-Oh, good.

-Yet.

-Fine church-going girl.

So, I know you're doing your new single for us now,

-but can I ask a special request?

-Of course.

Cos I like our guest artists to sing some of my favourite songs,

and I've a favourite song.

Have you ever heard of Moon River?

I have heard of it, I've sung it many a time.

Oh, well, I don't have a band, but I do have a heart.

-So don't break it, sing it for me.

-Do you want me to sing it for you?

Would you please?

Ladies and gentlemen, Pixie Lott singing Moon River.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Moon river

# Wider than a mile

# I'm crossing you in style

# Some day

# Oh, dream maker... #

Just stop. Stop, stop, stop!

# And heart... #

Oh, no, please! Stop, stop.

My sister used to sing that to me and I fucking hated her.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Will you sing your new track?

-I'd love to.

Ladies, and gentlemen, singing her new track, Baby,

with Anton Powers, the beautiful Pixie Lott.

CHEERING

# If you love me, show me

# Don't say a single word

# Cos these thoughts of mine

# Are telling me to go

# To go, whoa

# And the night's so cold

# Nobody to hold

# Are you coming home?

# Are you coming home? I'm gonna need to know now

# Baby, baby, baby, baby

# If you say to me we'll be all right

# But I need to know you'll hold me tight

# Baby, baby, baby, baby

# If you say to me we'll be OK

# We can make it through another day

# Baby, baby, baby, baby

# No-one does it better

# When we are together

# Baby, baby, baby, baby

# I love you more than ever

# Baby, it's forever

# You completely mistreat me

# We're dying, come back to life

# Life

# In my mind we survive

# Chasing dreams, if we only knew

# Only knew

# And the night's so cold

# Nobody to hold

# Are you coming home?

# Are you coming home? I'm gonna need to know now

# Baby, baby, baby, baby

# If you say to me we'll be all right

# But I need to know you'll hold me tight

# Baby, baby, baby, baby

# If you say to me we'll be OK

# We can make it through another day

# Baby, baby, baby, baby

# No-one does it better when we are together

# Baby, baby, baby, baby

# I love you more than ever

# Baby, it's forever

# I've been waiting for you

# I've been waiting all this time

# All this time

# I've been waiting for you

# Waiting all this time

# All this time

# Oh

# Baby, baby, baby, baby

# If you say to me we'll be all right

# But I need to know you'll hold me tight

# Baby, baby, baby, baby

# I love you more than ever

# Baby, it's forever. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Well...

That was another interesting night. What a night that was.

I have to say, Ross Kemp is a brave man and he packs a punch too.

I bet his hand is still hurting after that. That'll teach him.

And Kevin Bridges and his mother Patricia,

is there two funnier people in Britain today?

Not that I know.

And as for Pixie Lott, she's so skinny!

She doesn't even get X-rays, they just hold her up to the light.

LAUGHTER

Do you know, I know I should go to the gym and work out

and lose a bit of weight, but I believe in no pain, no pain.

Anyway, it makes me nice and cuddly.

So, until next week, nighty-night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Make the date, don't be late

# Cos you know it's gonna be great

# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

# To begin, just tune in

# And you'll wear an ear-to-ear grin

# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown

# Instead of feeling depressed

# Let laughter make you feel best

# So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's! #