Episode 4 All Round to Mrs Brown's

# Make a date, don't be late

# Cos you know it's gonna be great

# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

# To begin, just tune in

# And you'll wear a nuclear grin

# Watching Agnes and the clan act the clown

# Instead of feeling depressed

# Let laughter make you feel blessed

# So it's all round to Mrs Brown's. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round To Mrs Brown's!

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour from the start.

CHEERING

Hello!

Hello!

Oh, you're all very welcome to another Saturday night of cra...

of, er, fun and frolics.

SHE CHUCKLES

It's party night down at Foley's tonight.

Live music. I believe it's going to be wonderful.

Oh, and they're doing cocktails.

I don't drink much any more.

I used to - my mother said I had a hollow leg.

I don't any more.

I've often thought about drowning my troubles.

But Grandad won't go swimming.

A lot of people don't know,

but Grandad was actually born a Siamese twin.

Yeah, joined at the penis.

The operation was a complete failure!

But the prick survived.

-Are you there, Agnes?

-I'm in here, Winnie.

-Get yourself a cuppa, I'll be in in a sec.

-Right.

-How are you, love?

-How are you, pet?

-SHE SIGHS

-Lovely.

Here... I have a joke for you.

Really? Fire away.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

An interrupting cow.

-An interrupting...

-MOO!

SHE LAUGHS

Here...

Here, Sharon asked me to drop this in to you.

It's an invitation for the party night at Foley's.

-Oh, lovely.

-She's doing cocktails and everything.

-Yeah.

-Have you ever had cocktails?

-No.

-You'll love them.

-Yeah?

They give them some weird names,

like a Sloe Comfortable Screw...

Ohh!

-Yeah, Sex On The Beach.

-Right!

There's even one called a Blow Job.

No!

I remember the day after Reg's funeral, I brought his ashes home,

and I just took a little pinch out and I went,

"Pfff! There's the blow job you always wanted now!"

CHEERING

How are you, Mammy?

Is Cathy here? One of our guests wants to meet her before the show.

Cathy's upstairs. My God!

It's Dorothy Perkins, from the Great British Shake Off!

No, Mammy, SUE Perkins.

Will you keep an eye on her while I go and get Cathy?

-Absolutely, sit down, Dorothy.

-It's-It's Sue. It's Sue.

And I'm PS, I'm post-sponge now.

This is my friend, Winnie.

-Hey, Winnie, how are you?

-It's lovely to meet you, Sue.

-Nice to see you, darling, how are you?

-Here, I'd better go, Agnes.

-OK, Winnie.

-Oh, Sue?

If you drop into Foley's later,

I might treat you to a...

-Fuck! Sorry.

-Wow! I'm in!

No, no, no! She didn't mean that.

Ha-ha! I didn't mean that!

Get in there!

This is a very different show from what I'm used to...

This...

-Well!

-I'm sorry.

-In for a penny, in for a penny...

Such a refreshing change from a drink.

-Sorry, Sue.

-It's all right.

Many thresholds have been crossed!

She hasn't had sex in a long time, so...

-So nice to meet you, Sue.

-Pleased to meet you too, darling.

-I'd better go, Agnes.

-Oh, please, yeah.

-Oh, and Sue?

If you pop into Foley's later,

I might treat you to a Blow Job.

-So, tell me, Sue...

-Yes?

I don't want to pry into too many things, but Mary Berry, oh!

So, she's a bitch, is she?

Yourself and Mel, yous must have met very young, because there's

a chemistry there that you don't get with other people.

-We met up 30 years ago next year, 30 years.

-You don't even look 30!

Oh, you are such a charmer.

And you need a new prescription!

No, you don't, but can I just...

Oh, no!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's nicked this off Mary Berry, you know!

Off her line!

Well, come on, let's get you down to Wash and Blow,

-Rory wants to get you ready for the show.

-Let's do it.

I can't wait to hear about your new documentary, exploring the Ganges!

-Yes.

-Sounds fascinating!

-Thank you!

-See you later.

-Bye, darling.

Bye-bye.

Oh, great.

Exploring the Ganges!

You don't have to tell me about the Ganges.

I was young once, I used to...

I'm no stranger to the old jazz cigarettes.

Well, anyway, here we are, another Saturday night together.

And the best thing of all for me about these shows is

that I got to meet all of you, the audience.

You're fantastic, you really are marvellous.

In fact...

..I'm going to meet some of you now!

Let's see if we've got anyone interesting in tonight.

# Tonight, tonight... #

Terry Smith. Where's Terry?

-Here.

-Hello, Terry. How are you?

-Fine, thanks.

Terry is one of the people that we all should know and thank.

He's an emergency medical technician. Good to see you, Terry.

If you get a call from this house about a grandad...

..take your buckin' time.

Jackie and Chris Carter?

Oh, hi! How are you doing?

It says here, Jackie and Chris, mother and son.

-Oh, you're in a pipe band?

-Yeah.

-And Chris is a world champion pipe player, well done!

-Yeah.

Well done, give him a round of applause!

And Jackie, you play pipes as well?

-No, drums.

-Drums?

-Drums.

You know, in a band, nobody shags the drummer?

-Do you have your pipes with you?

-Yeah, I do.

Why?

-Will you give us a demonstration?

-Yeah.

-Great stuff!

Not too loud.

CHEERING

HE STARTS TO PLAY THE BAGPIPES

That'll do, that'll do.

HE PLAYS 'SCOTLAND THE BRAVE'

AUDIENCE CLAPPING IN TIME

Thank you, well done!

I can see why you're a world champion.

Jackie, where was the buckin' drum?

Every week, we have people who are interesting in, it's lovely.

As well as their special... Oh, hello.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Mammy.

Oh, Mammy, isn't Sue Perkins really lovely?

Oh, she's so nice, she really is. How's the show going?

Really well. As well as Sue Perkins, I'm going to have Ashley Banjo on.

Ashley Banjo! CHEERING

Who's Ashley Banjo?

Oh, Mammy!

You know, Ashley Banjo, from Diversity!

Oh, I remember! The dancer?

-Yeah!

-Oh, yes.

He won Britain's Nearly Got Talent.

Oh, no, Mammy, I love all his Diversity dance routines.

And you should see him,

-he's a brilliant judge on all of his TV shows.

-Is he?

Yeah, and then he teaches all those young kids how to dance.

-You seem to know an awful lot about him.

-Mammy!

I'm just saying... Do you no harm to try a bit of perfume...

-Stop it, Mammy.

-Just put on a wee bit of perfume,

might say to him, when you get the chance,

"Can I have a whack on your banjo?"

I'm going to do my research somewhere else.

-See you later.

-See you.

-Are you here, Ma?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh-ho, yeah, look who's here!

-Hello, son.

-Hiya, Ma.

-Hello, Mrs Brown...

-Don't even buckin' think about it.

How are you, son? Well, how did your Sherlock Holmes walk go?

A bit too much walking, if I'm honest, Ma.

Yeah, I don't blame you, son.

Dermot said the celebrity that we got couldn't talk.

But she could! I heard her.

No, Buster. I said she was in Silent Witness.

Well...

I'm sure I heard her speaking.

Mind you, I could have been lip reading.

It depends. Was she wearing tight trousers?

-Shut up, Buster.

-Yeah, Buster, shut up, Buster! So, what happened, love?

Well, it's another long story, Ma.

Well, look here, I have to go down to Foley's on my bike,

you get on the crossbar and you can tell me on the way down.

Oh, here, hold on! We never gave it a wobble.

Oh, jeez! Yes, the wobble.

So, it's a long story? Well, tell me, son!

MUSIC: Watching The Detectives by Elvis Costello and the Attractions

# Watching the detectives

# Don't get cute... #

# It's just like watching the detectives... #

I'm not sure about this, Dermo.

Doesn't feel right, being dressed like this.

Our very own Sherlock Holmes walking tour.

The tips are going to come flooding in!

-Where's the celebrity? The customers are waiting.

-Who?

Emilia Fox. From Silent Witness.

-Silent Witness?

-Ssh!

Ah.

Here she is.

Come on, let's meet her.

MUSIC: She's A Lady by Tom Jones

# She's a lady

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# She's a lady

# Talkin' about that little lady

# And the lady is mine....

# Yeah, yay....

# She's a lady... #

-'Allo, 'allo!

-Oi, oi!

-EMILIA LAUGHS

-I'm Emilia.

-Hello.

-Hello, Emilia.

-EMILIA LAUGHS

I thought you said she couldn't talk.

Shut up, Buster.

-You look fantastic.

-Thanks so much!

You look pretty fantastic, too.

-Well, all you need now is the famous pipe.

-Mm-hm.

Buster.

MUSIC

-Don't you mean this?

-MUSIC WARPS AND STOPS

Put that away, Buster.

MUSIC: The Final Countdown by Europe

Hello, everybody!

Thank you for joining the D&B Sherlock Holmes walking tour!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We will explore the crime-ridden streets of old London today

through the eyes and mind of the great Sherlock Holmes.

Just in case yous are all wondering,

we're not really coppers. We're just dressed up.

And I have never been to prison - and I'm not going back.

Please welcome our celebrity guide, star of Silent witness,

and indeed Sherlock Holmes expert, Emilia Fox.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you so much.

Well, I suppose this is the best place to start,

the home of the great man himself, in Baker Street.

MUSIC: Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty

Thank you, Buster.

-MUSIC STOPS

-Erm...

So, many of the Sherlock Holmes stories begin at the crime scene,

but the solving of those crimes begins right here,

in flat 221B...Baker Street.

MUSIC RESUMES

Stop it.

Buster, stop it.

Stop it!

MUSIC STOPS

-POLICE SIREN

-Oi, oi, oi, oi!

Move, move, move, move!

Foxy, this way!

Come on, let's go!

MUSIC

-WHISTLE

-Move it, move it! Let's go.

Time is money, time is money! On the double, at the double!

Move! We're walking here!

HIGH-PITCHED TIPTOE NOISES

Now, this door here is one of the more famous landmarks

in the Sherlock Holmes stories.

It is where Sherlock himself and Dr Watson...

MUSIC: The Fox by Ylvis

TIPTOE NOISES

# What the fox say? #

Faster!

Well, tonight they'll have heard of the walking tour,

because we get to sit down!

# What does the fox say? #

This is a reconstruction of Sherlock Holmes' study

as it appears in the books.

Well, Emilia, that is so interesting.

You should also know that this was Sherlock Holmes' local pub,

where he was on the darts team.

-No, he wasn't.

-Shut up.

Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink!

Drink, drink, drink, drink!

# We love you, Sherlock! We do!

# We love you, Sherlock! We do!

# We love you, Sherlock! We do!

# Whoa, Sherlock, we love you! #

-So, Emilia, quick question.

-Mm-hm.

Let's say a friend had some top quality speakers...

-Mm-hm.

-..stored in his shed,

but needed to move them, because he knew that the police

were looking for them, where would you suggest he should hide them?

I told you, I'm a pathologist, not a policeman.

Do you want to buy some speakers?

No!

Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen,

that is the end of our Sherlock Holmes walking tour.

We hope you enjoyed yourselves.

If you did, show your appreciation with a tip.

If you are happy to join, throw in a coin.

If we raised the bar, fill up the jar!

-Fill up the hat and don't be a...

-Twa...

-Hey!

-Kids are watching, Emilia. Kids are watching.

-Sorry. Sorry.

Keep it classy.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you. Thank you so much.

Neigh!

Didn't we do well?

Didn't WE do well?

THE BILL THEME PLAYS

Well...

It sounds like you did a smashing job, boys. Well done!

Thanks, Ma.

I went on a murder mystery tour with Winnie once.

Yeah, for a weekend.

It's a mystery I didn't mucking kill her.

-Go on, I'll see you later.

-See you, Ma.

-See you, love.

-See you, Mrs Brown.

-Get lost.

-All right, Winnie?

-Oh, yeah. I got your coffee, pet.

Oh, thank you, love.

-Agnes.

-What, Winnie?

Why do most women have problems with their husbands?

Some women do, but most women don't.

Well, who don't, then?

Widows.

-Speaking about problems...

-Mm.

..we have some more in from the audience.

Let's see who we have here.

This one is from Marie Murray.

-Hello, Marie, how are you?

-Hi. I'm fine.

-Good to see you.

And she says, "Dear, Agnes, I have broken 11 bones in 11 years.

"I could fall over a feather. How do I stop being so clumsy?"

Stop drinking during the fecking day, Marie.

-Where's Tom Clan?

-Yeah, here.

-Hello, Tom.

"Dear, Agnes, people tell me my jokes aren't funny."

Aww!

"But I have to write a speech for my daughter's wedding,

"what's a good line to get them started?"

-That's it.

-Try, erm...

"A lot of people don't know this,

"but she's adopted."

Always gets them going! Always does.

-What have you got?

-Well, I've got one from Lynn Bisset.

Oh, Limp Bizkit, my favourite band!

Where are they?

-Well, no, Lynn Bisset.

-Oh, her.

Where's Lynn? Where are you? Hello, Lynn. How are you?

-Hi.

-It's lovely to see you.

She says, "Dear Agnes, my lovely cat Colin left me for another human.

"What's even worse is that the other woman is my friend."

-Oh.

-"How do I get over this?"

Yeah!

Well, all I can say to you, Lynn, is it's not the first time

somebody's friend was jealous of their pussy.

Oh, God. Winnie, I have to go. I have to go.

No, Aly's coming over to cook for Cathy's guests.

-I have to go, go and meet him.

-All right.

-See you, love.

-See you later.

-Bye.

-Bye, love. Bye-bye.

Oh. Here's one we forgot to read.

"Dear Agnes,

"in an effort to jazz up our sex life,

"I bought some sexy underwear.

"When he came home, I stood there in a see-through negligee.

"You could see me vest."

Wait a minute. This is from me!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Chef Aly!

-Hello, Aly.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

Reggae.

MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy

RECORD SCRATCHES OK.

Enough fun.

So, what are you cooking?

-I'm cooking spicy tuna tomato pasta.

-OK.

Which is for Ashley Banjo, his mum, she used to cook for him,

-this one, it's his favourite dish.

-Oh, lovely.

But I'm doing some twist in it, I'm doing like fresh tuna

and I sear the tuna and the fresh pasta...

-Fresh tuna?

-Yeah.

-For you at home, if...

-For you at home... Sorry.

-No, no, please go ahead.

For you at home, you can use a tin of tuna,

-it will do the same job.

-Yeah, there you go.

Join us next week, meet our new chef.

APPLAUSE

Now, we have one prepared that you've done earlier.

Have a look, have a look at this.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Reggae!

MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy

RECORD SCRATCHES OK!

The dancing chef.

So, are you getting all your ingredients together?

I have to go, Cathy's show is about to start

so I'll leave it with you, good luck.

Aly, make sure this kitchen's clean when you leave.

It was dirty when I came here.

-Well, it will be clean when you leave.

-OK.

APPLAUSE

Five, four, three, two, one.

Cue Cathy.

# Time to go Here we go

# The Cathy Brown Show. #

Hello there again and welcome to The Cathy Brown Show,

with me, Cathy Brown...

-Me.

-..and Mammy.

I'm giving you my inside scoop on the world of showbiz.

Please welcome the fantastically funny Sue Perkins

and dancing superstar Ashley Banjo.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hi.

-Hi, Ashley, how are you?

-How are you?

-Very good.

Come on, jump, jump!

Mammy. Sit down.

Oh, I haven't had a big jump like that in a long time.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Beautiful.

-It's for you.

Buster, what the hell are you dressed like that for?

It's for Sue. It's my showstopper.

Buster, nobody wants to see your showstopper, OK?

AUDIENCE AWWS

Buster.

Maybe if you had a cherry on the top of it, it would work.

FANFARE, APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, welcome to the show, both of you.

-Lovely to be on the show.

-Great to have you here.

-Yeah, it is.

We can feel each other's nerves.

The size of him - from here, I can feel more than his neck.

OK, settle down, Mammy.

Now, Ashley, at the moment, you're teaching male celebrities

to dance in a new show, The Real Full Monty.

-I am.

-Tell us about that.

I'm teaching a group of male celebrities to dance and strip.

-Oh.

-Ooh!

-Oh, right.

-Yeah.

Get me a ticket for that.

It's all for a good cause, it's all to raise awareness

for men's cancers because men just don't talk about it, you know.

They say, "Mine is bigger than yours," but they won't do it.

-Yeah, yeah!

-They don't meet each other, go,

-"How's things? How's your prostate?"

-Yeah, they don't.

This is about taking a group of men,

putting them out of their comfort zone

and celebrating the 20th anniversary of The Full Monty all in one go.

Are you actually taking part in it as well?

Well, you'll have to wait and see.

I would, I'd personally give money for that.

-That's...

-She would give money for that!

To see any cock, for God's sake!

APPLAUSE

-Mammy!

-It's for charity.

-Please.

-It is for charity.

-For charity. It's for charity.

Sue, tell us about your Ganges documentary.

-A couple of years ago, I went up the Mekong River.

-OK.

And I went from the mouth of it in Vietnam,

all the way to the top of it in Tibet

and this time I'm doing the Ganges River.

Basically, the BBC are trying to kill me.

They're trying to make sure I go to very far away places...

-MRS BROWN SNORES

-..and... Yep.

Ashley Banjo!

-I'm here!

-Yeah.

-This is from your documentary, is it?

-Oh!

Er, yes.

That's Baba Ramdev, he's a billionaire monk.

-Wow.

-Yeah.

He's quite heavily armed, that was quite a nervous photograph for me,

cos there was no underwear there and a machinegun there

and that, for me, is a very frightening sandwich.

-Can I just do a little...?

-A little what?

-Question.

-Oh, no, Mammy, please. We discussed this, no.

-I just want to do a question.

-No, Mammy.

-Oh, come on.

-Oh, go on.

-Right. Er, Banjo.

-Yes.

Ashley is his name, Mammy.

Banjo's all right, Banjo's all right.

Did you have a nickname when you were younger?

Banjo, a lot of people called me Banjo.

-So, yeah, there you go.

-Ah-ha!

Does being so supple...

..mean that there are sexual positions that you have invented?

Stop it!

APPLAUSE

Seriously.

-I'm sorry, Ashley.

-That's all right.

Ashley...

-Mammy.

-Doing the banjo.

-Oh, yes.

-Oh.

How's your banjo?

-Intact.

-Thank you for that, Mammy.

-No problem.

-Yes.

-Sue, you've worked with the children recently

on the spelling bee, The Big Spell.

-I cried every time one of them went out.

-Oh!

-Sobbed.

-It must've been heartbreaking.

-Yes, that would be a shame.

-Sobbed.

-How do you comfort a child

who doesn't know how to spell blancmange?

Emotionally, I'm sort of younger than they are. They're nine.

Sorry, I'm just trying to work out how to... I can't spell blancmange.

"Blanc mange."

-Blanc mange.

-Blanc mange.

Ashley, you've talked a lot about inspiring

-the next generation of dancers.

-Yes.

For me, you know, Diversity's motto's dream, believe, achieve

and we talk about inspiring kids

and some people just think it's a bit cliche.

-What's your motto again?

-Dream, believe, achieve.

-That's Diversity's motto.

-Can you say it a bit slower, love?

-Dream...

-No, it sounded like cream cheese to me there.

-No. Dream, believe, achieve.

-Dream...

-Three words.

-Believe...

-Believe, achieve.

And he can't spell bucking blancmange.

Sue, do you have any motto you live by?

Yes, my main motto is if it's head height or below, I'll eat it.

My motto is it's only the hair on the gooseberry

that stops it from being a grape.

So shave your groceries.

Ashley, is it true that you could teach anyone to dance?

I said that once and it's kind of stuck with me but I do believe it,

-I believe that everybody and anybody can do it.

-Really?

-Mm-hm.

-Really? If you can get that big lump to dance,

I will personally do a bucking backflip.

So if I can get him to dance, you'll do a backflip?

-Well, that sounds like a challenge I want to see.

-No...

APPLAUSE

It was an offhand remark, all right?

Go on, Ashley, off you go. Wake Grandad up, Mammy.

-Grandad!

-Grandad.

-What?

-This is Ashley.

He's going to teach you how to dance. Stand up.

Stand up, come on. Up you get.

-This should be good.

-So what you're going to do is,

you're going to step to the side, we're going to take it old school

-like this, and we're going to click.

-ASHLEY CLICKS

-GRANDAD CLICKS SILENTLY

-That's it, yeah.

And now we're going to step to the left and we're going to click.

And then we're going to add some style.

Oh, smooth.

AUDIENCE OOHS AND APPLAUDS

Hold on, hold on. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Have we music? Do it on your own.

MUSIC: You Should Be Dancing by Bee Gees

Oh!

Oh, yes. Let's go. Click, click!

-RECORD SCRATCHES

-Well...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

He's a man who can't put a teabag into a bucking mug!

Well, Mammy, a bet's a bet.

-You're going to have to do the backflip.

-No...

But first of all, you know that every week

-we welcome one of the guest's own mammies onto the show.

-Oh, yes.

And this week we have Ashley's mammy.

Will you welcome Dani?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello!

My God, you couldn't be his mother.

-You look far too young.

-There you go, Mum.

-Thank you.

See, see? Look, moisturise, moisturise.

-Dani, you're very welcome.

-Yes, you are.

We're delighted to have you with us. You must be a very, very proud mum.

-Mm.

-I am.

-Yes.

Not just because of Ashley.

No, not at all. Obviously...

Oh, sorry!

I am.

You were a dancer yourself back in the day

so did that make you a pushy mum?

No.

-Oh!

-No.

-No, she was not a pushy mum.

-No, no, no.

He didn't even really go into the studio

and it was just one Sunday, his nan couldn't look after him

so I said, "Well, you'll have to stay home, then, you can't come."

And the next day, bang, he was in the studio and he didn't stop...

-SUE:

-So it was love at first sight, as soon as you started moving.

Dani, are you happy teaching dancing

or do you miss actually dancing yourself?

-DANI:

-Yeah, I still sort of, you know, dip in and out of teaching

and putting the kids through their paces.

Oh, my God. I'll say what you can't say.

-Crazy.

-Is she a bully?

-It's like...

-No, that's terrible to say!

Our studios are next door, right?

Our studios are next door to each other so every now and again,

I'll pause the music, be like, "Right, good rehearsal, boys,"

and just through the wall, just slightly, you just hear...

HE MIMICS GARBLED SHOUTING

"What are you doing? Leg up the wall!"

-You're like, "Whoa..."

-SUE:

-Leg up the wall?

-Yeah, she splits up the wall, yeah.

-DANI:

-It's good anger management.

Was your mam pushy, Sue, about getting you into showbiz?

-SUE:

-No, well, they sold cars for a living.

-OK.

-They sold second-hand cars.

-Same thing.

-Oh, my dad sells cars.

-Really?

-Yeah.

So, I mean, they might've pushed me into that.

But it's the same sort of thing I do, really, it's, you know...

-I think we have a photograph of you when you were a child.

-Oh.

-Yes.

-Where did you get the fringe? AUDIENCE AWWS

I don't know why people are saying "aww".

That's a cry for help, that fringe.

-All my family had hair like that.

-Wow.

-From the age of about four to about 16 and we never knew why.

-Wow.

And then it transpired that the lady who came round on a Sunday

to cut our hair was a dog groomer and...

Watch Crufts, you'll see the same sort of sleek line

on a Pekingese.

It's really sinister, isn't it?

Come on, fetch, fetch, fetch!

What age were you when you...? I know this is a...

When I realised I didn't want to sell used cars?

-No.

-I was this old.

When you twigged, "Gosh, I might be funny here"?

Oh, no, that's still, that's still yet to come.

Oh, no, it's... Just in case anybody who doesn't know,

you wrote French And Saunders, you wrote Ab Fab,

you wrote for... I mean, you're one of the funniest writers

I've ever seen in my... Like, you're funny.

APPLAUSE

It's only when you're with Mel that you're not funny.

Dani, tell us, was Ashley a bit of a ladies' man growing up?

Well, no - he had lots of girls as friends, but...

-I was friendzoned a lot.

-Yes.

Would you like to be my Cathy's friend?

No, Mammy!

She has no friends, if you'd like to be her friend?

Mammy, Ashley is married.

(He's going to take his cock out.)

Stop...!

Seriously!

(Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.)

Mammy, why don't you go and see how Chef Aly is doing with the cooking?

Fine. Dani, you come with me.

-She obviously doesn't want us.

-See you in a bit.

-No, just you.

Bitch.

Not you, not you!

Come on, Dani, come on inside. We'll talk one-to-one.

My God, you're as tall as he is.

Come here, come here and talk to me. You were in the Royal Ballet.

Well, I outgrew the ballet when I was about ten, clearly,

cos I could lift the guys.

-You can't be tall and be a ballerina?

-No, no.

About 5' 3", 5' 5"...

Well, if you're responsible for anything that Ashley does,

you must be an amazing trainer, because he's an amazing dancer.

-Oh, thank you.

-He really is incredible.

I've got some photographs, here.

Look at it. Have a look at that.

-See, in the middle, there? AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

I think that's your daughter in the tutu, is it?

No, that's Ashley.

LAUGHTER

That was his first big performance at school,

doing Swan Lake, in welly boots and...

I know, I was a bad mum.

Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you that are wondering,

this will be the poster for...

..The Full Monty.

And again, never mind the towel,

I point to the towel on the head.

And a tutu.

This is when he was really shy. You wouldn't believe.

-So he was a quiet child?

-He was. Yeah.

I don't know where he gets that from.

SHE LAUGHS

Come on over and let's see what Aly's doing, here.

It sounds like he's poisoning us.

Now, Aly, this is Dani. Dani, this is Aly.

-Hello, Dani. Nice to meet you.

-Lovely to meet you. Hello.

-We're doing a nice tuna pasta, spicy tuna pasta.

-Oh, wow.

-But this is fresh tuna.

-OK.

-And this is fresh pasta?

-Yes.

-Look at this, look.

-That's a pasta machine.

That would be handy for drying socks on.

-I'm taking with me this one.

-Hold on, uh...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, chef, now.

-Let's you and me do a bit of...

-Mrs Brown, this is...

I won't hurt your knob.

You feed it into this one, here, and I'll turn the handle.

-There you go.

-Now, now, now...

-There you go.

-Look at this, look at this, look at this.

My God.

Yeah! CHEERING

They're my rastas... Reggae!

MUSIC: Mr Boombastic by Shaggy

RECORD SCRATCHES

For all of you that don't know at home,

the best way to try and see if spaghetti is cooked

is to throw it at the wall.

Right, so, that's not cooked, yet. So I tell you what we'll do.

Why don't we leave Aly with his dish?

We have to go, we'll go inside and see what they're doing,

-Bye-bye, Aly.

-Thank you. Bye.

Come on, Dani, let's go.

He is a very... He's a very emotional chef.

Welcome back.

Mammy, I don't think any of us have forgotten

that you made a bet earlier on.

Oh, hang on, I think I hear Aly calling.

No, Mammy.

Are we going to see this backflip or not?

-SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

-Come on.

-Come on.

APPLAUSE

DRUM ROLL

WHOOPING

-You can do this.

-Come on.

-Come on, Mammy, come on!

DRUM ROLL AND CHEERING

CYMBALS CLASH

-Did I spin?

-Yes.

-Yes, yes.

-Almost.

-You did, well done!

-Thank you!

Well done, it was good, it was good, it was good.

Well done, Mammy.

I think you should see what Chef Aly has cooked for everybody.

Oh, look at this - this is the surprise dish.

OOHING

-My mum is going to love that.

-Me, too.

-Now...

-OK.

Oh, my God, Chef Aly - well done.

APPLAUSE

So, tell us, what have we got here, Aly?

We've got a surprise dish, which is lemon meringue.

-I love lemon.

-And we've got Ashley's favourite pasta,

which is spicy tuna pasta.

Yours didn't look quite like that, Mum.

I'm sure it looked like that.

Yeah, yours... Yeah.

You dish up and I'll just get some lemon meringue pie.

Would anyone in the audience like to try lemon meringue pie?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Let me look, let me have a look.

Let me... Do you want to go...?

I saw a woman up the back, waving, there.

Here you go.

One.

4.99.

Looks beautiful, doesn't it? Looks beautiful.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Would you like to try some?

Thank you.

Fuck. I have to go back.

Would you like to try that?

Thank you very much, yes, very nice.

WHOOPING

CRASHING

So, what's the verdict? What do you think, Dani?

-Delicious.

-Is it?

-Absolutely. Very different to mine.

- I need the recipe. - Thank you very much.

And Ashley?

-My mum's is just as good.

-AUDIENCE: Aw!

APPLAUSE

OK?

That's all we have time for on The Cathy Brown Show.

Thank God.

A huge thanks to all my guests tonight - Sue Perkins...

..Ashley Banjo...

..and Mammy, Dani...

..and, of course, Chef Aly.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Join Cathy next week, when her guests will be

Austin Powers

and Judi Dench's dog's mother.

-No, they won't, Mammy.

-Maybe. Maybe they will.

-Mammy!

-It might be.

-Mammy!

We'll see you soon.

But, for now, it's Father Damien and Trevor with Thought For The Day,

so it's over to St Jarlath's Church.

-Good night, everybody.

-Good night.

APPLAUSE

ORGAN PLAYS

-Hello there.

-Hi.

Tonight, I'd like to talk to you about choirs.

Homosexuals are welcome in the church.

CHOIRS.

Oh...

If you know anybody that is in a choir,

or maybe you're a member of one,

you'll see that it is made up of very different people.

-The butcher, the baker, the milkman.

-Exactly.

Builder, carpenter, the taxi driver with the funny eye.

-They get the point, Damien.

-Great.

Regardless of what they do for a living...

..or who they love...

..the point is that once the choirmaster

takes out his baton...

FATHER DAMIEN SNIGGERS

Takes out his baton...!

..they all have the same goal.

Get finished as quick as possible and get out for a pint.

No, Damien.

Harmony.

A choir is a great example

of how many people from different backgrounds

can bring their own unique voice to create harmony.

So, don't be afraid to add your voice.

Be yourself, speak up,

and join in the harmony of God's life.

# The harmony of God's life...! #

Stop.

HE IMITATES DRUMMER

Good night.

Yo!

APPLAUSE

You know...

It's funny, being a mother, you know,

right from the start to the end.

From the very moment that...

I remembered me and my first time, lying there,

and he's standing beside me and I'm going...

STRAINED: "Ye-e-eagh!

"Y-Y-Y-AARGH!

"You baldy little bastard!"

And that was the conception.

And then the...

And then you take them to school, and then they grow up,

and, you know, you think you want them out of the house,

and then they go, and, just... Life's not fair, I suppose.

But if I mean, it wouldn't be fair, for example, if...

Say, if you were a mother and you were to give one child of your children pocket money,

and not the other one, that wouldn't be fair, would it?

-AUDIENCE:

-No.

-No, it wouldn't.

Sure, it wouldn't, Christina Cooper? Sure it wouldn't?

SHE GASPS

LAUGHTER

Yes, Christina Cooper, you are Mammy of the Week.

Christina Cooper!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Come on, come down.

Every week, we're going to award a fine mammy with this -

the Mammy Award.

You've been nominated by your daughters,

Bianca and Stephanie,

who are sitting up there - look at them.

They wanted you to be Mammy of the Week,

and if you're wondering why, have a look at this.

Hi, Mum, surprise!

I've nominated you to be Mammy of the Week,

because you are an amazing mum.

But...you do have some flaws.

Mum is so nosy.

She walks the dogs a particular route

just so she can have a nosy at other people's houses.

She's always opening me and my sister's post.

"Accidentally."

It has to stop.

She tells the whole world what me and Bianca are up to

on her Facebook page, without even asking.

Mum has this really weird habit.

When she is pouring her daily juice,

she clenches her bum cheeks

to the rhythm of the juice glugging out of the carton.

SHE GLUGS

When we're ill, she won't go anywhere near us.

How's that for parenting?!

So, she claims she used to be a model for Rolls-Royce.

We're not convinced.

Mum, despite all these flaws,

you truly are an amazing person.

And we don't know what we'd do without you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHRISTINA LAUGHS

I don't care about anything else that was in that whole video...

Turn around.

OK, you do your butt cheeks.

# Shake, baby, shake

# I said shake, baby, shake... #

APPLAUSE

Tell me about your dogs.

Oh, my dogs.

Maisie and Keira.

-Maisie and Keira.

-Yeah.

The girls kind of think you might love the dogs

more than you love them.

I do love my dogs, yeah.

I love my girls, too, but I do love my dogs.

I don't blame you loving your girls.

They obviously adore you. That's why you're Mammy of the Week.

Now, would you like to come up to my boxroom

and have a look at my box?

-Yes.

-A round of applause. Come on, let's go.

APPLAUSE

# It's going to make you float

# It's going to rock your socks

# When you see what's in

# Mammy's Box. #

Close that door.

Those stairs kill me every time.

Now, this is the way it works, Christina.

As you can see, our three people are covered with prizes

and they've got money, etc, etc.

Now, you get to pick one to flick off,

and whenever you flick off, you win.

There is a star prize in there, which is the key to my box.

Oh...

I have to tell you, it's very rare that anyone gets the key to my box.

So, you flick off as much as you possibly can.

Now, you can pick any one of them.

You can pick Father Damien, who's lovely, my son, or Buster.

So, that's Damien, him, or Buster.

Have a think, now, have a think.

Actually, do you know what? Why don't we do all three?

-Yes.

-Yeah!

-Here's what's going to happen.

Buster... Buster...

They weren't expecting this.

Stand up, stand up!

You get one of Mrs Brown's tea towels to do this

and you knock off as much as you can.

I really mean...

WHOOPING

Now, me and Christina have been talking...

..and Christina's mother is of Irish descent.

And where normal people use a tea towel like that,

Irish mothers don't.

They do that. WHIPPING SOUND

Oh, yes!

My mother could slice a pan.

So, when I say go, the time starts,

and keep going until you hear my bong.

Your time starts...

Now. Go.

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

GONG REVERBERATES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, hey, hey!

My calculations, they are all fivers,

so you've won 283 Euro.

LAUGHTER

Now, get me up the stars, boys.

Get me up the stars, we'll see what you've won.

Let's have a look at the stars.

There must be more stars than that, she's knocked off every fecker... Oh, there's one.

I've never said this to a man before -

here's your helmet back.

So...a facial.

OOHING You don't need that.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yes, they'll go well.

-Oh, maybe.

-Maybe.

-Yeah, mm-hm.

-What kind of tea do you like?

-Prosecco.

-Prosecco?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm not sure that comes in bags.

Oh... And Mrs Brown's box key.

FANFARE

I need to go and get Mrs Brown's box.

Now, come over and have a look at my box.

Where's the key? Good girl.

If it doesn't work, we can get Buster out to pick it.

Oh, look, it's opened first time.

I'll let you open the box, let's see what you've won.

Open the box.

Luxury doggie clothes!

Whoa!

Well done, well done.

And, most important of all,

she gets the Mammy of the Week Award.

Aw!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, while we're here,

the boys can help tidy up.

I have to go. I'll see you later.

Bye!

-Hi, Winnie.

-You're late, Agnes.

Aston Merrygold's going to be here any minute.

Oh, he is!

Come on...come on.

-So good to have you back.

-Thank you so much.

I'm just after having a Slippery Nipple.

-A what?

-Do you fancy a Slippery Nipple?

If you'd like one, she'll treat you to a Blow Job, won't you, Winnie?

-Winnie is a huge fan, aren't you, Winnie?

-I'm a huge fan.

A huge fan. Look what she has - look, look.

She has your disk and she has your Marigold gloves.

Maybe you might sign the gloves.

I'll sign the gloves. You know I'm Merrygold, though, right?

-OK, it doesn't matter.

-Just sign the bucking glove, son.

-"To Winnie..."

-"To Winnie..."

-"Have a wonderful night..."

-"Have a wonderful night..."

"I'll perform for you, any time..."

That's enough, Winnie, love.

-"Anywhere."

-"Anywhere", yeah.

-"Wonderful..."

-"And I'll do it free."

It's not the first time you've signed a rubber, son.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, who have you got with you? Who's with you?

Um, Dwayne is here, and Jeff.

Hello, Jeff.

OOHING

What's that little thing in Jeff's hand?

-Oh, the ukulele.

-Oh, he's going to strum his ukulele.

-Yes.

-Is he?

Well, it's actually mine, but anyway...

He's going to strum your ukulele.

Hey, we all have to do things to keep our job.

If it means strumming your ukulele, away you go.

Oh!

-Now, why don't you...?

-I've got to sing the high bit, now, as well...

Oh, yes, you do! No problem.

Would you sing me one of my favourites,

one of my all-time favourites?

-Of course.

-What are you going to sing for me?

You're Just Too Good To Be True, I suppose that works.

WINNIE SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

Fuck off, Winnie!

-Can I start?

-Oh, yes, please.

LAUGHTER

It's hard when you're looking right at me as well.

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you... #

Who can blame you?

# You feel like heaven to touch

-# I want to hold you so... #

-Oh!

LAUGHTER

# At long last love has arrived... #

I'm arriving, I'm arriving.

# And I thank God that I'm alive... #

Me, too.

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you. #

-Everybody!

-# Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo...

# I love you, baby

# And if it's quite all right

# I need you, baby

# To warm one lonely night

# Oh, lovely baby

# Trust in me when I say

# Oh, pretty baby... #

Hold it! Hold it, please!

Please, stop. My nipples can't take any more.

I swear to God, they're, like, trying to break out of prison.

Aston, if you get yourself ready on the stage, I will announce you.

-Thank you. Thanks.

-Thanks, son.

Now, here he is, singing his new single,

Precious - and he is precious - Mr Aston Merrygold.

Rubber gloves.

Right, there's this girl...

# Ooh

# Hey

# My little brother you're special, too

# My momma said getting you is one of my better moves

# And my older brother's saying you wanna find the love of your life

# Don't know where he planned to take it, though

# I ain't even expecting me to make it home

# Without something that I got to say

# Oh, yeah

# Better than myself you are to me

# Ain't nothing wrong with a little soul philanthropy

# Oh, touch me now, baby

# But everybody wants to be a lover

# So when you're out there

# Do this one for me

# Oh, yeah

# Darling, don't be so precious

# Darling, don't be so cute

# I don't want nobody else

# Loving you

# Darling, don't be so wonderful

# They might get confused

# I don't want nobody else

# Loving you

# Yeah

# Cos now that heaven don't feel so far away

# Steady love is at the heart of the party

# Girl, I promise I wanna, I'mma show up

# Cos now the highway don't feel so lonely

# With Miss Independent depending on me

# To be the water in her well of love

# Oh, yeah

# Well, everybody wants to be a lover

# So do this one for me

# When you're out there, pretty baby

# Darling, don't be so precious

# Darling, don't be so cute

# Don't want nobody else

# Loving you

# Darling, don't be so wonderful

# They might get confused

# I don't want nobody else

# Loving you

# Everybody wants to be a lover

# So when you're out there

# Do this one for me

# Oh, yeah

# Don't be so precious

# Darling, don't be so cute

# Don't want nobody else

# Loving you

# Darling, don't be so wonderful

# They might get confused

# I don't want nobody else

# Loving you

# I don't want nobody else

# Nobody else Nobody else

# Whoo! Ooh-ooh

# Oh

# Sienna, oh, baby... #

Thank you so much. Peace and love.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Loving this Saturday night of fun.

Ashley Banjo and his mammy were just perfect guests.

It's not just the dancing that runs through that family.

It's the kindness and the personality, too.

And Sue Perkins - oh, my God. She's wonderful.

For me, she's not a sponge.

She was the cherry on the top.

It was nice to see What's-his-name Merriweather back.

Even without his JCB.

And his friend, strumming his banjo,

and the other fella going "Oh-oh-oh" on the microphone.

Hm... It was nice.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Oh, and by the way, don't get caught.

Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Make a date, don't be late

# Cos you know it's gonna be great

# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

# To begin, just tune in

# And you'll wear an ear-to-ear grin

# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown

# Instead of feeling depressed

# Let laughter make you feel blessed

# So it's all round

# To Mrs Brown's! #