Episode 5 All Round to Mrs Brown's

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

# To begin, just tune in

# And you'll wear a nuclear grin

# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown

# Instead of feeling depressed

# Let laughter make you feel best

# So it's... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-ANNOUNCER:

-Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round to Mrs Brown's.

VACUUM HUMS

Hello.

Welcome back for another night of fun and craic.

SHE GROANS

GRANDAD WHEEZES

It's been so busy here the last few weeks, I've barely

had time to have a sh... cup of tea.

-Hello, Buster.

-Hello.

-CHEERING

Will you give that to Cathy?

She needs it for her research.

-Oh, Peter Andre?

-Yeah.

-CHEERING

He's one of the guests on the show tonight.

I hope you didn't steal this, Buster.

You'll end up in prison.

I'll never forget what my dad said to me

the first time I went to prison.

I know - "How are you, son?"

Did we do that story before?

We got about three or four shows out of that story.

-See you later, Buster, bye.

-Bye, Mrs Brown. Love you.

APPLAUSE

All the girls are super-excited about Peter Andre

being on Cathy's show later. CHEERING

I know.

Betty and Maria can barely contain themselves.

And who could blame them? Look at the muscles on that.

He looks like someone dipped him in Ronseal.

I must say, I have been having plenty of fun

with all these celebrities in the house,

but they do need so many rooms, don't they?

I mean, dressing rooms, green rooms,

sex dungeons. Well, at least I...

At least I had that one already.

50 Shades Of Brown.

APPLAUSE

Oh...

You must come down to Foley's later - it's guilty pleasures night

there this evening, and we've a great band playing,

you wait and see.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

You know, I have some guilty pleasures myself.

# Oh-oh-oh, mysterious girl

# I want to get close to you... #

Reggae!

Hello, Mrs Brown.

CHEERING

-# Oh-oh-oh, mysterious girl... #

-Come in, come in.

CHEERING AND SCREAMING

Mrs Bro-o-o-wn?

Jesus!

How are you?

MUSIC STOPS

Hello.

Have you seen Rory, Mrs Brown?

I thought he was with you, getting the guests washed and blown.

He was, but he popped out.

We had a fight.

Oh, not again. About what?

I said I wanted to be the one to finish Peter off...

And he wanted to finish Peter off all by himself.

So we agreed that we'd try and finish him off together.

CHEERING

Somebody better finish him off as quickly as possible,

otherwise, well, he'd have to finish himself off.

I'll go and find Rory, Mrs Brown.

-You do that.

-Bye, Peter.

APPLAUSE

-It's lovely to have you here.

-Aw.

-Would you like a cup of tea?

-I would love a cup of tea. Thank you.

-Such lovely manners.

-Oh, aren't you lovely?

Your mother must be very proud of you.

My Cathy, who's single, by the way...

Yeah, I can't wait to meet her, actually.

-Yes. Are you single?

-Am I single?

-Yes.

I had a couple - you know, records...

No, I'm not, I'm married.

-Fuck sake.

-Yeah.

This will be a hard one.

It is a hard one, that's why you're going to finish me off.

CHEERING

I'm sorry, but who said it? Who started this?

If you're going to start it, I'm going to finish.

Let's play.

So, Peter, you're adored by women all around the world.

WOMAN WHOOPS

And that ugly bitch there as well.

When was the last time you went down under?

Shut up.

You know what I mean - Australia.

Down to the bush? The bush?

Yeah, well, I haven't been to the bush for a while.

-You stick with me, son.

-Yeah.

-APPLAUSE

CHEERING

-Hello, Rory.

-How are you, Mammy?

I am so sorry about this, Peter.

-That's OK.

-But it's all organised now.

Dino has finally agreed to allow me to finish you off in private.

Oh, come on, Peter.

Follow me down to the salon, we'll get started. Come on.

See you later, Peter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's see who we have in the audience tonight, shall we?

Oh, now, let me see.

-Where's Elaine Henley?

-Here!

-Hello, Elaine, how are you?

-I'm fine, thanks.

Sit down, love, it's not a fuckin' raffle.

You're a parrot psychologist?

Yes.

-Really?

-Yeah.

MRS BROWN SUPPRESSES A LAUGH

-One of the most common things you deal with - parrots who won't stop swearing.

-Yes.

Yes. Birds telling everybody to feck off.

Beautiful photograph I saw of you today. Look at this.

Isn't that gorgeous?

Beautiful.

Where do you start with a parrot?

I'd teach them some basic tricks,

like stepping up on your hand and I teach owners who have problems

with their parrots how to overcome those problems,

so that the parrots don't end up being re-homed.

I'm sure somewhere out there there's a parrot looking at TV,

going, "Oh, my God!

"It's my psychologist!

"Feck off! Feck off! Feck off!"

Nice to meet you. Thank you very much.

Where's Darren Hughes?

-Hello, Darren. How are you?

-Hi. I'm good.

Darren, it says here that you're a training major

at the Glasgow and Lancashire Battalion Army Cadet Force.

Yes, that's correct.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP AND APPLAUD

-What's your rank?

-Major.

-Major?

So, do you do all the... SHOUTS UNINTELLIGIBLY

I can. Yes, I can.

Rory, Dean. Come here, come here.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHOOP, WHISTLE AND CHEER

Now, Darren is going to teach you how to be in the Army.

So, just stand to attention for us and he'll give you some orders.

OK. Darren, in your own time.

OK. So, stand at ease. That's it. Put your hands behind your back. OK.

I'm going to shout, "Squad 'shun!" and we'll do that.

You're going to come to attention. OK. Here we go. Try it.

Squad! Squad!

'Shun!

Stand still! You're supposed to stand still.

Feck off!

Sorry. It's OK.

You big bully!

I'll start tidying the place up. Get it ready for Cathy's show.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER

-Hello, son.

-Hey, Ma.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

Yeah, hello, Buster. How was the

Loch Ness Monster Celebrity Guided Tour? Was it good?

Well, there would have been a lot more people there

if Buster had told people we were actually looking for the Loch Ness Monster,

like he was supposed to do.

-You told me not to tell them.

-No, Buster, I didn't.

I'm sure you did, Dermo.

You said, "Remember, it's a big secret, yeah?"

"Big sea creature."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sorry.

Sorry, Dermo.

Well, it sounds like a long story.

-It is.

-We should definitely do the wobble.

-Wobble, it is.

# Somewhere beyond the sea

# Somewhere waiting for me... #

# If you want my body and you think I'm sexy

# Come on, sugar, let me know... #

This is a bad idea. This is going to be the worst celebrity tour ever.

No, Buster, it's going to be the best.

The D&B Celebrity Loch Ness Monster Tour.

A magical mystery mission.

Yeah, whatever.

I hope you got a really sexy celebrity to bring in the ladies.

I did. He's getting his uniform on.

Here he is now.

# Love lift us up where we belong...

# Where the eagles cry

# On a mountain high

# Love lift us up... #

-How are you doing?

-Oh, my God! It's Nick Knowles!

-How are you?

-Nice to meet you.

-Hey, Mitch.

Are you ready to join the team?

I don't know what I'm doing, to be honest.

My agent just said, "Turn up and Top Gun and Cruise," or something.

Well, today you'll work for us

and we're going to give these people the best celebrity guided tour of Loch Ness ever.

-Come on!

-OK.

Wait, wait, wait! Hang on! We have to do our warm-up routine.

-Warm up?

-Hands in.

-Hands in.

-Hoochie-mama!

-Hoochie-mama!

-Hoochie-mama!

-You got to fight!

For your right!

To paaar-tay!

No, Nick.

Make money. Make money, Nick. Every time.

Well, you should have sung Money, Money, Money. That's all I'm saying.

# I am sailing

HE RETCHES

# I am sailing

That's it. Get it all up. Better out than in.

You're going to be in real trouble when we leave the dock, you know.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the D&B Celebrity Loch Ness Monster Tour.

Och aye, the noo!

So, let me introduce you to the man with all the ker-nowledge.

Mr Nick Ker-nowles.

Thank you very much, madam.

-I think that was a man.

-Shut up, Buster.

-Right!

Ladies and gentlemen, shall we go monster hunting?

Yay!

Driver!

-HORN HOOTS

-Jesus!

# Sail away, sail away, sail away!

# Sail away, sail away, sail away! #

Ladies and gentlemen, a quick reminder.

We have the best quality of seamen on board today, if you require.

Thank you.

Now, to give us more information on the Loch Ness Monster,

it's Nick Ker-nowles.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Nessie is adored by millions of people across the world.

Born on June 24th, 1987,

Nessie has become widely regarded as the greatest living footballer,

playing for both his home nation of Argentina and his club Barcelona.

Back of the net!

Right.

The boys will now demonstrate the official Nessie call to try

and attract the monster and to see if it answers back.

This is what you will hear when Nessie is sad.

PLAINTIVE DUCK WHISTLE

AUDIENCE: Aaah!

And this is Nessie when happy.

MIRTHFUL DUCK WHISTLE

# Rolling in the deep

# You had my heart and soul... #

Buster, could you help me here a moment?

There are, of course, many lochs all across the country.

Let me demonstrate my favourite. If you'd like to come in here.

Thank you very much.

Dermo!

SHIP'S HORN HOOTS

# What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Is it a monster?

# What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? Is it a monster?

# What's that coming over the hill? Is it a monster? #

So, sadly, ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of our tour.

We hope you enjoyed yourselves. If anybody asks, this is what you saw.

If you did enjoy yourself today,

please to show your appreciation, dig deep.

A tiptop trip means a tiptop tip.

If you thought we were top of the range, give us your change.

We're the best on the block so don't be a...

Cock?

Absolutely disgraceful.

Come on!

I had no idea. Sorry.

So, how did we do?

Not as well as I'd hoped, Buster.

You know, with overheads, costume hire, Nick's lunch.

What lunch?

-Here you are, Nick.

-That's it?

-Yeah.

Well, that wasn't worth it, was it?

-You can keep the suit.

-I'll tell you what you can do with your suit.

I like him.

It's not even Loch Ness!

# Love lift us up where we belong...#

Nick!

# Where the eagles cry on a mountain high

-# Love lift us up where... #

-Way to go, Buster, way to go!

# Far from the world we know... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That sounds like it was a success.

-Thanks, Ma.

-Thanks, Mrs Brown.

Not you. Ahem.

You know, I dated a sailor once.

He was a lovely, rugged man. Ha-ha-ha!

It's the first time anyone had ever taken me up the galley...

He brought me up and showed me his porthole.

Oh, God, I tell you, I gave that porthole a good going over.

See you, Ma.

I've not finished me story!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, Cathy.

-Hey, Mammy.

-A cup of tea, love?

OK, but look, just don't distract me, OK?

I've a lot of research to do. It's a big show this week.

Oh, I met Peter Andre.

Oh, he's a lovely boy.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

-He's a real gentleman, isn't he?

-Yes.

And I'm really excited because we also have Gareth Malone on tonight.

Gareth Malone?

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

-The choir man?

-Yeah.

-I'm not sure about him.

He's always messing around with all those poor soldiers' wives

when they're away.

Mammy, he's not messing around with them,

he was teaching them to be a choir.

-It's really emotional.

-Really? Is it?

SHE SOBS

Mammy, that's exactly the kind of thing you promised you wouldn't do.

I'll do my research somewhere else.

I don't know why I start off in the kitchen every week.

-Because it's in the script.

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

-Hello, Aly.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

I love it when you surprise me by popping through my back door.

-Mrs Brown?

-Yes, love?

-Reggae!

MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy

MUSIC STOPS

-My God, Aly, you're a devil on the dance floor.

-Chef Aly.

-Sorry, Chef Aly.

-We're getting too friendly here.

So, what are you cooking for Cathy's guests tonight?

-He is a lamb-lover.

-Gareth?

-Yeah.

-So you're going to cook lamb? That sounds wonderful.

Let's have a look at the finished dish.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

God, that is absolutely beautiful.

I'm supposed to be meeting Winnie down the pub.

Buck!

Hurr!

-I'll see you later, Aly, OK?

-See you later, Mrs Brown.

That plate's turned on, OK?

-Mrs Brown?

-What, Aly?

-Reggae!

MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy

CHEERING

Oh.

Oh, God bless you, Winnie, thank you very much, love, thank you.

-Winnie, what are you doing?

-It's me pelvic floor.

-The doctor says I should exercise it.

-Why, is it possessed?

No, the doctor said it would help with my bladder control, you know?

-What do you have to do?

-Well, you have to...

tense your downstairs for two seconds and then release.

-Here, do it with me.

-OK.

Tense, release.

Tense, release.

Oh, dear. I think I released a little bit too much!

Well, before you go and change your TENA...

More people writing in about problems. Here. You take those ones.

Craig Scott has written... Where's Craig? Hello, Craig, how are you?

Good, thank you.

Craig writes, "Dear Agnes, My daughter's gerbils don't like me.

"They won't come out of their cage for me.

"I just assumed they were broken. How do I make them love me?

Light a fire around the cage.

And when you blow it out, trust me, they will love you.

Where's Louise Attison? Louise? Hello, Louise. How are you?

-Not bad, thank you.

-It says here, "Dear Agnes, my friend Stacey..."

Is that Stacey? Hello, Stacey, how are you?

"My friend Stacey's fiance

"keeps getting naked after a wine or two.

"She doesn't know how to combat this.

"It's very embarrassing for her,

"although everyone else in the wine bar finds it funny...

"..and encourage him."

Well, all I'd say to you is, when he's had the first one

and he starts on the second one, send him over to my house.

One night with me, and he'll never do it again!

-This one... This one is from Ann Taylor.

-Hello, Ann. Hello, Ann.

How are you?

And Ann says, "Dear Agnes, I need help with my hairnet.

"It keeps getting caught in my vajazzle when I'm doing...

-"..when I'm at my yoga classes."

-Hold it there.

Just hold it for a second.

You wear it on your head?

And it gets caught in the vajazzle?

That's not yoga, that's gymnastics, love.

-Well, she says, "It's my husband's hairnet."

-Hold it there!

-Why does your husband need a hairnet?

-He works in Greggs.

-Greggs?

-Greggs the bakery.

I love their sausage rolls.

He can catch his hairnet in my vajazzle any time.

"I'm keen to perfect my downward dog.

"Can you help me?"

What is a downward dog?

Is it a yoga movement?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Show us!

-Yeah, show us!

-I know it. I know it.

-You know it, do you?

-I know it.

-Show us, Winnie.

CHEERING

Argh!

APPLAUSE

Was that it?

And how in the name of Jesus did you get your head to your vajazzle?

You need to see somebody professional.

-Oh, listen, I'd better go.

-Why?

-Cathy's show is about to start.

I'm going to miss it.

-I'll see you later, Winnie.

-See you later.

Keep your downward dog going, "Woof, woof."

APPLAUSE

-Good luck, Cathy.

-You'll be great.

-Aw, thanks, girls.

-It's about to start now!

-We know.

And it's going to be great.

So when are you going to go?

When we get Peter all nice and settled.

Girls, get out, now!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

You're no fun!

APPLAUSE

I made it! I'm here. I'm here.

# Time to go

# Here we go, the Cathy Brown Show! #

Hello, there, again. And welcome to the Cathy Brown show...

# Cathy Brown show. #

OK, Mammy, settle down.

..bringing you all the latest showbiz gossip.

Goss, goss, goss, goss...

# The Cathy Brown Show. #

-OK, are you ready, Mammy?

-Yes, yeah, I'm ready.

OK, well, I'm very excited to introduce my guests tonight.

Please welcome the brilliant Peter Andre

and the wonderful Gareth Malone.

CHEERING

Hello, lovely. How are you?

Hello.

CHEERING

Oh! Wow!

That is so cool.

-Yeah!

-Buster, what are you doing?!

It's for Peter.

I've been working on my six-pack especially.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

WOLF WHISTLING

Well, Buster, work on it somewhere else,

you'll put people off their dinner.

Go!

Out!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Don't forget the lights.

MUSIC PLAYS

Get out!

Buster, get out!

And put that bleach back!

I'm so sorry about that, guys. Welcome to the show, both of you.

-It's great to have you here.

-Thank you.

-Very good to be here.

-Great to have you here. Lovely to have you here.

Thank you very much. Call me.

You've met Mammy. Yes, me and Peter had a tete-a-tete in the kitchen.

-It was a nice tete-a-tete.

-It was a nice tete-a-tete.

I didn't have time to finish him off. He had to do it himself.

But, Peter, congratulations on the latest addition to your family.

Theo - is that that right?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

How are you finding fatherhood this time round?

Yeah, it's great. Beautiful.

We were just having this discussion outside, weren't we?

-It's constant bliss.

-It is.

-You're a dad, too, of course, Gareth.

-I have two, yeah.

-You have two kids?

-Yes.

-Oh, wow.

-So you find it difficult?

-Do you know what? It is.

-He didn't deliver them!

-Yeah, yeah. It was quite painful but...

All he had to do was put his yoke in, and that was it!

-Mammy!

-Set the oven to 40 weeks

and then he comes out.

I didn't ask him about BECOMING a father,

I asked him about BEING a father.

Do you find it difficult?

-No. No. My wife did.

-Your wife finds it difficult being a father?

Yes, she found it difficult being a father,

-but I told her to shave the beard. She's fine now.

-OK.

But honestly, it's such a joy. It is a beautiful, beautiful joy.

And I think we're done. Not me and you, obviously.

-I mean, I don't know.

-All right. The night is young.

-Gareth, everyone loves your show.

-Oh, thank you very much.

I mean, you're famous for putting choirs together.

-Do you actually enjoy singing yourself?

-I do. I love to sing.

I mean, I sang as a kid. I sing at home.

In fact, if you asked my wife, she's had enough of it.

He-he-he! What about the singing?

-Do you think you're a good singer?

-Well, I can sing in tune. Yeah.

I was in a choir when I was in school. I learned one...

# O'er the ocean flies a merry fay

# Soft her wings are as a cloud in day

# As she passes by the farmers say

# Marianina, do not roam

# Hither is thy home

# Come and turn us into foam. #

-OK, OK, OK, OK.

-Great.

CHEERING

So, Gareth, could you work with that?

# Marianina

# Marianina... #

-Gareth, could you...

-# When the... #

-Mammy!

Now Gareth might be able to help you with that.

I don't need help.

-Could you give her a quick lesson, maybe?

-Yes, what language was that?

It's an ancient language, very rarely spoken nowadays

called ENGLISH.

-I think it's a fine instrument there.

-It IS a fine instrument.

-Thank you very much. Anybody can sing.

-I mean, everyone can improve.

-Yeah, how would you improve Mammy?

-How would I improve her?

Not that she needs much improvement.

I mean, she's slouched on the sofa. I'd get her to stand up...

-Ooh, stand up, Mammy.

-..address the audience. I'd say...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'd, you know, I'd take the posture,

I'd get my feet apart, and, you know, tits and teeth.

And I think that would immediately improve the sound. Shall we try?

OK, try, Mammy.

MRS BROWN SINGS THROUGH HER TEETH

-I think I may have been optimistic, actually.

-OK, that's lovely, Mammy.

That's lovely.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Peter, your pop career, where did it all start for you?

I was 13, and I was riding home on my bike,

and I thought of a song.

I thought of something and I thought,

"Oh, I've heard this before, I must have heard it before."

I went home, said to my brother, who was a great musician,

and he was in his room playing bouzouki

which is a Greek instrument,

and I said to him, "Chris, I'm going to sing you something.

"Tell me where you've heard it before." And I sang it to him...

MRS BROWN SNORES

-I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry.

Sorry, I missed a bit, all right?

Are you still 13? Are we still at 13?

Yeah, listen, I'll really move up to up-to-date.

Anyway, he said to me he'd never heard it before

so it must be an original song.

Wrote my first song at 13, and then I started writing songs ever since.

You have a beautiful voice.

Yes, agreed.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Mammy, let go of him.

-I'm sorry.

-He came over and abused me.

He just...

He abused me.

-Was this in Cyprus?

-Sorry?

-Was this when you were living in Cyprus?

No, that was Australia.

Australia to Cyprus, Cyprus to Britain,

what made you go ping, ping, ping?

I was born in England,

and I emigrated to Australia when I was six.

But then when I was 13... No.

And spent a lot of time in Cyprus because that's my parents' home.

She lived in Cyprus for a while. About two weeks.

Gareth, one of your programmes,

one of your projects was The Naked Choir,

tell us a little bit about that.

The Naked Choir, slightly misleading title, there was no nudity.

Yeah, I know. I stood there watching for ages, not one penis.

-Not one penis in the whole place.

-Sorry to disappoint.

It was about the naked sound of the human voice without adornment,

without being in a recording studio.

It was just people singing.

-And that for me...

-What would otherwise be called A CHOIR.

A choir. Yeah.

Mammy, you had some tips for Gareth, didn't you?

Well, I have a warm-up technique I use.

If you want to try this, repeat after me,

I saw Suzy's Shine shop.

Where she sits, she shines, and where she shines, she sits.

I saw Suzy's Shine shop. Where she shines,

Suzy sh... Suzy shines...

-Shops.

-..shops.

-Suzy has a Shine shop.

-Oh, don't tell me the story. Jesus...

When Suzy was 13 years old...

Suzy is shining shoes in her shop, where she shines, she shops.

-No, she sits.

-When she shits.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-When she shines, she shits. Oh, shit.

-You did very good.

You did very good.

OK, now, as you know,

we always welcome one of our guest's own mammies onto the show.

So this week, please welcome Gareth's gorgeous mammy, Sian.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Sian.

-Lovely to have you. Thanks very much.

-Hello.

Welcome to the show, Sian, it's lovely to have you here.

Thank you very much.

So tell us a little bit about Gareth.

Was he a show-off as a child?

Absolutely.

-Yes. From the beginning.

-From the beginning?

-Was he a good singer as a child?

-Very, yes.

From quite a young age, he could sing in tune.

That's what I just said. Yeah, I can sing in tune.

That's the only review I gave myself.

-Did he get that from you?

-Yes.

-Oh, did you?

-And my dad as well.

But she sang all the time.

-I just remember the sound of her voice in a positive way.

-Oh, good.

That's lovely.

A lot of people I know actually sing to the baby before it's born.

-Oh, I did that.

-Yes, she did.

-Did you?

-Oh, yes.

-I don't remember this.

I've just heard, obviously.

-Oh, you do remember, you just need to be taken back.

-Oh, listen.

I've one or two of mine could be taken back, as well.

Peter, did you sing to your children before they were born?

Yes, I actually went a different route.

I used to play Greek music to them because I wanted them...

I know it sounds strange, I won't bore you...

Anything they watch in English, I go on YouTube

and find a version in Greek and play it to them

so that they absorb Greek.

-And they speak Greek.

-It keeps them in touch with their culture.

-Yes.

-That's lovely.

-Music is so important.

We have a picture of you with your mam, here.

-Aw, look at that.

-Isn't she gorgeous?

You know, her and my dad

-just celebrated their 61st wedding anniversary.

-Wow.

APPLAUSE

-I love her.

-And what is your mammy's name?

Well, it's a Greek name.

-But in English I would say it is like Thea.

-Thea?

-What is it in Greek?

-Theabisti.

-Sounds beautiful.

-Which means faith in God.

-There you go.

-Faith in God?

My name is Agnes. In English, it means sex for cash.

Sian, with all this success, you must be incredibly proud of him,

-with all the work he's done with the choirs.

-Don't tell him.

-Don't tell him.

-He doesn't seem to be lost about himself,

he seems to be very grounded.

Yes, he is, very grounded. Yes.

I think it was nice.

I had a nice little regular upbringing,

and then, suddenly, this craziness.

Were you surprised, as we all were, with the success of the show?

Yeah, I mean...

APPLAUSE

No, I think, I do believe in people,

and I love to see people stretch themselves.

You know, it's so important in life, isn't it,

to do something that you've not done before?

Like coming and sitting on this sofa here is for my mother.

Why I'm here.

Only her first ever experience of anything like this in her life.

-"Come on," he said, "it'll be fun."

-How is it going?

APPLAUSE

So I did.

Oh, we won't confine you to the sofa.

Mammy, why don't you take Sian with you...?

-Come and meet chef Aly with me.

-See how Chef Aly is doing.

And we can have a one-to-one talk, just the two of us.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on round here.

Now, tell me a little bit about him behind his back.

Here are some gorgeous photographs of him. He was musically inclined.

-He definitely was.

-Yes.

-Look at this.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Isn't that...? He was a very generous child, I believe.

He was, yes. Yes, you could always get to his heart.

I read a story about him when he was seven.

-He saved up his money to buy you a necklace.

-Yes, he did.

He's a sap. Isn't he a sap?

You and your husband met, where?

-We met through an operatic society.

-Ooh, excuse me!

And how did he get your name and address?

-I wrote it on a programme in pencil...

-And gave it to him.

-And gave it to him.

-Now...

-Yes.

She gave out 14 of those programmes that night.

She only got one call.

-And married, when?

-1972.

Oh, lovely, that was the year after Gareth was born.

SHE LAUGHS

Come over here and talk to me. Chef Aly, what are you doing?

We've got here rack of lamb, because I know, Gareth, he like lamb.

And we're going to put some twist in it,

which are going to make it like North African,

-with the herb, and Greek style with yoghurt.

-Lovely.

It looks absolutely gorgeous.

Let's go back in and see... Reggae!

# Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic

# Touch me on the back, she says I'm Mr Ro

# Mantic, say me fantastic

# Touch me on the back, she says... #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Let's go back in.

Did you do a bit of that while you were in London?

I did country dancing. Not actually Irish dancing.

But my relatives have done lots of Irish dancing.

I can see you have the moves, you definitely have them.

Peter, just one last thing,

you have become quite famous for having lots of muscles.

Yes! Look at you! Hm!

So we'd like to test to see just how strong you think you are.

Well, I know all about strength.

I used to be a wrestling champion, never beaten,

undefeated by man, woman, or beast.

-Perfect! That sounds like a challenge.

-No, no, no.

I didn't mean that. I'm just saying.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Peter, are you up for arm wrestling with Mammy to see if you can

-challenge her undefeated run?

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Is that even...? Is that even respectful?

-I'm going to take this off for this.

-Oh, my God!

-If we're going to do this.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Let's do this, then, if we're going to do it.

Hang on. How do I do this respectfully? Let me get down here.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Andre is going down!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, how are we going to do this?

Put your elbow there and I'll put my elbow here.

When I say three, don't start pushing straightaway.

-We take the strain first. And then we start pushing, OK?

-OK.

I win, that's it. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I knew this was going to happen!

-# Champione!

# Champione! Ole, ole, ole! #

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-Well done, Mammy. Undefeated.

-Unlucky, Peter. Unlucky.

-Unlucky.

-Strong, though.

-I think it's time now to see what

-Chef Aly has created for us.

-Oh, yes. I'll go get it.

-OK.

Oh!

Aly, this looks gorgeous.

Look at this!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

APPLAUSE

Look at that.

So, what have we got here, Aly?

We've got lamb here, but different way with a lot of flavour in it.

I hope you enjoy that.

And we got the surprise dish, which is chocolate fondant for everyone.

Have we got any for the audience? Let's see what we've got.

It's absolutely... Look at that!

Isn't that gorgeous? No, you're not getting any.

Would you like to try that? Lovely bit of lamb. There you go.

Would you like to try a bit of lamb? There you go. Bah!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Gareth, how does it compare to your mammy's?

-Oh, I mean, nowhere near as good, obviously.

-Oh!

-Very good.

-Beautiful!

-Well done, Chef Aly. Well done.

-Very good.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Well, that's all we have time for on the Cathy Brown Show.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Aw! A huge thanks to all my guests tonight, Peter Andre...

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Gareth Malone...

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-..his mother, Sian...

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-..and of course Chef Ally!

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Join us next week when we'll be joined by Captain Cook

and Elton John and his auntie.

No, we won't, Mammy.

Maybe, you don't know for sure, maybe.

We'll see you soon, but for now,

it's over to Trevor and Father Damien

for Thought For The Day.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

APPLAUSE

Hello there. Yes, it's Thought For The Day again.

Think of it as a little head massage to send you off to bed

-with happy thoughts.

-Hello.

I want to talk to you today about preparation and how important it is.

Very.

We all try to keep a little nest egg aside to be prepared in case

-of an emergency.

-We do.

-Or we have a spare wheel in the car, to prepare for a puncture.

-Exactly.

-So, repairing your soul by way of confession is a good idea.

-It is.

Now, Damien here is doing the main mass tomorrow and I'm

helping him to prepare. So, Damien, get out your pad.

I don't need it, Trevor, just tell me.

-I have a photogenic memory.

-OK.

-Next Friday is the First Friday.

-First Friday.

There will be confessions on Thursday,

Tuesday is the feast of St Peter and St Paul.

On Saturday, Mary Malone will marry Mikey Nolan.

Anybody who thinks these two should not be married

should come forward as soon as possible.

We have christenings on Sunday.

This is a deep and meaningful time for the parents.

So, parents should be at the church at 11 o'clock.

-Got it.

-Great, let me hear it.

Next Wednesday is the First Friday,

there'll be confessions on Saturday,

Tuesday is the feast of Mary Malone and Mikey Nolan.

On Saturday, St Peter and St Paul will be getting married,

anybody who thinks they shouldn't be should be at the church at 11am

on Sunday with the parents for christening.

But bring a snorkel, because we're going deep.

-How's that?

-Bang on, Damien. Bang on.

-Be prepared, it's important, goodnight.

-Goodnight.

Such, such wise words there.

Wise words like a mother's words.

And it's not easy being a mother, despite all that wisdom.

I mean, so much wisdom to pass on to your children

or your child or your three children or your four children,

five, six, seven.

If you've been really going at it, eight fucking children.

Not to mention all the ones you might foster,

on top of all that, isn't that right, Elaine McGuire?

Isn't it?

CHEERING

Yes, Elaine. You are our Mammy Of The Week.

Come on down, come on.

Elaine!

Hello!

ELAINE LAUGHS

All that stuff I read out is true. I mean, it's all really true.

Yeah, I mean, I don't foster any more, but I did foster for years.

Elaine, every week we want to award somebody

with this wonderful mammy award.

And you've been nominated by your son Patrick and the rest of

the family who are up there. Look at them up there. Hello.

And if you at home are wondering

why she's been nominated, have a look at this.

Surprise, Mum. We've decided to nominate you as the mammy of

the week, because you're absolutely brilliant,

but you're also a little bit of a pain in the arse.

Whilst telling a story about how she was on the beach in Corfu,

she fell asleep on a Lilo and drifted out to sea

and the Albanian border police

picked her up on a boat and took her back to shore at gunpoint.

She was topless.

Yeah, fortunately we weren't around back then.

If she's talking to somebody important,

she's got a really posh voice,

if she's talking to a friend, she's got a really low Scottish voice.

A few years ago, my mum had a heart attack,

she's all fine now, but what she doesn't tell people,

just beforehand she was watching a documentary

called The Perfect Penis.

Mum, you love complaining, any time you're in a restaurant

and there's a crack in the plate, you'll be straight on to

the manager, complaining, wanting free meal, free money.

Drives us absolutely mad.

Mum, you can sometimes be a nightmare, I know we don't say it

enough, but we are so thankful for all the stuff you do for us.

We don't know what we'd do without you.

Typical mammy, after all those wise words,

she leaned into me and said,

"I'll kill him."

So tell me about this, the Albanian border police...

You drifted out to sea and then they had to send you back?

No, no, they were just moving in their boat quite close...

To you?

So nobody could see me, I was wanting a topless tan,

-so I went out to the far...

-Is there enough sun to go around?

So, now, you've always put your kids first,

you're always making sure that they're fed and watered,

even if you weren't.

-Yeah.

-You've literally done without food to feed the kids.

-No.

I was going to say...

Does it look as though I've gone without it?

I'd eat the kids.

Listen, how would you like to come upstairs and I'll give you

a chance to have a poke around my box?

AUDIENCE OOHS

Follow me, up to Mrs Brown's boxroom.

# It's going to make your day

# It's going to rock your socks

# When you see what's in Mammy's Box. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, in order to take away the award and, of course,

as many prizes as you can, look at the prizes - flowers,

chocolates, cinema tickets, a year's supply of tea.

I'm sure you prefer Prosecco.

So, plenty of prizes and as much money as you can to knock off.

Now, you get a choice of three. You can pick either my son Trevor...

Hello, son.

..Father Damien or Buster.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, who are you going to pick? Trevor, Father Damien or Buster?

-Buster. Buster.

-Buster it is, OK.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm going to give you one of my best tea towels

and when he comes out, smack as hard as you can.

Believe me, anything that falls off,

even if it's his yonky-yonky, you get to keep it.

When I say, "Go!" - the time starts

and keep going until you hear the gong.

Oh, Jesus, you were winding up.

Patrick, son, you're dead, dead.

And here we go, the time starts now.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

BUSTER GROANS

BUSTER GROANS

And get him!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, let's pick up these stars,

let's get these stars first of all.

Now, there we go.

Oh, good girl, well done, yeah,

you weren't missing anything, were you?

Buster, if you come out for a second, step out.

Just lie on the floor there for a second.

You've won 400 euro.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

A year's supply of tea.

Wine.

-Ooh!

-AUDIENCE OOHS

Cinema tickets.

And the key to Mrs Brown's Box.

APPLAUSE

So, let me go and get my box ready, you lucky thing.

Come on, box. Here, box, here, box.

This box is like a parrot, has a lot of psychological problems.

MRS BROWN CHUCKLES

Now, you can open it, see what you've won.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

A little hug, I think!

Thank you very much.

And, of course, most important,

you also get Mammy Of The Week -

Elaine McGuire.

Do you want your tea towel back?

Now, you're going to have to get the rest of that stuff off Buster,

put him back in the closet,

I am going down to the pub, see you later, Elaine.

-Elaine McGuire!

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Excuse me. This bar is getting busier and busier.

Sharon, pint of cider, please, love.

Oh, my God, it's Steps!

This is magnificent.

I thought you were dead.

Oh, this is fantastic. So the band is back together?

-ALL:

-Yes.

Why?

-We have a celebration this year.

-Oh, what's the celebration?

-We are 20 years old.

-We wish.

-We wish we were.

We're looking good, yeah?

And the new CD is fabulous.

I mean, to be doing new music in your 60s, that's incredible.

Well, I can't wait to hear your single,

but before you sing the single, all of our guests so far have done

a little serenade of some of my favourite songs.

I wonder, do you know the song -

# Unforgettable... #

Cos you guys are unforgettable.

-Shall we sing that about you, though, maybe?

-Oh, I'd love that.

Do I need to put on a TENA Lady or anything?

-Hopefully not.

-We'll see how we go.

We'll see how we go. Who's going to start?

-We're all going to start.

-Oh, lovely.

H, you can lead us in.

# Unforgettable, that's what you are...

# Unforgettable, tho' near or far

# Tho' near or far

# That's why, Agnes, it's incredible

# That someone so unforgettable...

All together.

# Thinks that I am unforgettable too. #

Group hug, group hug, group hug. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That was great.

There you go. I hope the singing is fucking better than that.

You go get yourselves ready to sing and put some clothes on, please.

I was actually going to take this for you.

Oh, you can take it off if you like.

Thank you very much, Lee.

Singing Scared Of The Dark, it's real, true pop legends - Steps.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# What you can't see can't hurt you, they say

# But I've been blind too many times before

# Never see it coming your way

# Shadows and secrets hide

# Give me the bright lights of the dance floor

# To shine inside this broken heart of mine

# The way you move I'm forgetting all the ghosts in my mind

# Just say you're mine

# And stay by my side

# Don't say you're leaving

# Don't turn out the lights

# I scream, I scream, I scream

# Don't let the darkness come and hold me

# I need someone cos I can't be lonely tonight

# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms

# I'll never be scared of the dark

# And when the shadows creep up on me

# If I shiver, keep your body close to mine

# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms

# I'll never be scared of the dark

# I'm the kind who's always falling

# Into trouble and into paradise

# I don't love by half, I'm all in

# I wanna be yours

# Just say you're mine

# And stay by my side

# Don't say you're leaving

# Don't turn out the lights

# I scream, I scream, I scream

# Don't let the darkness come and hold me

# I need someone cos I can't be lonely tonight

# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms

# I'll never be scared of the dark

# And when the shadows creep up on me

# If I shiver, keep your body close to mine

# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms

# I'll never be scared of the dark

# In your arms, in your arms

# In your arms

# In your arms, in your arms

# In your arms, in your arms

# I'll never be scared of the dark

# Don't let the darkness come and hold me

# I need someone cos I can't be lonely tonight

# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms

# I'll never be scared of the dark

# And when the shadows creep up on me

# If I shiver, keep your body close to mine

# Come on, baby, come and take me in your arms

# I'll never be scared of the dark. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

My God, my God. Well, what are we getting today?

With Steps singing in Foley's and it's been a lovely day.

It's not often we get two gentleman in the house at the same time,

but that's exactly what Peter and Gareth turned out to be -

gentleman.

And as for Sian, what a lovely mother and a lovely woman.

And speaking of gentleman, what about An Officer And A Gentleman

with K-nick K-nowles?

I often dreamt it's me in that movie and I'm there and I say,

"Take me now. I'm yours."

And then he says, "We're going to need a bigger boat."

Enjoy the rest of your night, sweet dreams, goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Make a date

# Don't be late

# Cos you know it's going to be great

# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

# To begin, just tune in

# And you'll wear a new toothy grin

# Watching Agnes and the clan act the clown

# Instead of feeling depressed

# Let laughter make you feel best

# So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING