Episode 6 All Round to Mrs Brown's


Episode 6

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Transcript


LineFromTo

# Make a date, don't be late

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# Cos you know it's going to be great

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# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

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# To begin, just tune in

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# And you'll wear a nuclear grin

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# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown

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# Instead of feeling depressed

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# Let laughter make you feel blessed

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# So it's all round...

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# To Mrs Brown's. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round To Mrs Brown's!

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This programme contains some strong language.

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-Hello! AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

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You're all very welcome to another evening round at my house.

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It's been such a fun few weeks, and I'm very sad.

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Tonight is the last Saturday night

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we'll be sharing together for a while.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

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I know, yeah. Feck it, I'm going for a rest.

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LAUGHTER

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I know, I know. It is sad, but it's all gone so quickly.

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Cathy's showbiz blog has gone really from strength to strength.

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She's had some wonderful guests on her show.

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And she's got some fantastic guests on tonight too. You'll see.

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Eh... Oh, hello, Rory!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-How are you, Mammy?

-Hello, chicken.

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-Hello, Mrs Brown.

-Hello, Dino.

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Mammy, Cathy said she's got Michael Ball coming in to the show.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whooooo!

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Now, I'm just wondering if he's going to be in, you know,

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-stage make-up or the usual?

-Aye.

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If it is stage make-up, then Rory has to do him.

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And if it's regular, then I can give him a blow.

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AUDIENCE SHRIEK

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Dry. Blow-dry.

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Aye!

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Betty's picking Michael up from the station. Cathy's upstairs.

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Why don't you go up and ask her what's going on?

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APPLAUSE

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It's boyband night at Foley's tonight.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh!

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I'll be down there throwing my knickers.

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LAUGHTER

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Mind you, these days, there's less G-string and more double duvet.

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hello, Ma.

-Hello, Mark, son.

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-Has Betty been here yet?

-Betty? No.

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She's picking up Michael Ball from the station.

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-Are you OK, son?

-Not really.

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Betty wants me to have the talk with Bono.

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-What talk?

-THE talk.

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Oh.

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THE talk.

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-I don't know where to start.

-Well, try and think back.

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-Do you remember your father having THE talk with you?

-Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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And what did he say?

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He said, "Son, some day you're going to meet a girl

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-"and you're going to have... feelings."

-And?

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He said, "Just ignore them feelings because they'll ruin your life."

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Nice to see you. Hello.

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Hello!

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-This is Michael, Mrs Brown.

-Oh, I know exactly who he is.

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LAUGHTER

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Well? Did you have the talk with Bono?

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-Not yet.

-Oh, for God's sake, Mark,

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it's better hearing it from you than learning about it on the street.

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Come on. I'll see you, Mrs Brown.

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-I'll see you, Betty.

-See you later, Ma.

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Good luck, son.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Mark has to have the talk with my grandson, Bono.

-Oh, THE talk.

-Yes.

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Yeah, well...

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-HE LAUGHS

-I'm sorry.

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Well, now, it's good if he does have the co...

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I learnt every... Talk.

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LAUGHTER

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-Can I give you a tip?

-Yeah.

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Fucking sing.

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LAUGHTER

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My Mark needs to have the talk with my grandson, Bono.

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Well, it's good if they do,

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-I learned most of what I know from my first girlfriend.

-Really?

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-What did she say?

-She said...

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# Slowly, gently

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# Night unfurls its splendour... #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Grasp it, sense it

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# Tremulous and tender... #

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LAUGHTER

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Please stop.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm not going to lie to you.

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I think a little bit of wee came out there.

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LAUGHTER

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So, in singing terms, you'd be a double bass.

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I'm actually a baritone.

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A high baritone, so I can go quite...

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Excuse me, Your Grace, I'm so sorry.

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LAUGHTER

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Nobody told me. I wasn't expecting it. I'm so sorry.

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You seem to be around for ever. When did you do your first...?

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-My first professional job was in 1984.

-God, that's...

-Yeah.

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-..a long time ago.

-It's a long time ago.

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-That's coming up for 33 years I'll have been doing this.

-33 years?

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-And the big show I did was Les Miserables in 1986.

-Oh.

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Did you like that?

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1985.

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-I saw it four times.

-Did you?

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I still don't know what the fuck was going on.

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LAUGHTER

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-But the music was amazing.

-Amazing! Amazing. Basically, everyone dies.

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Yeah. Yeah. And that's just the audience.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, hello, Michael!

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-Lovely to meet you.

-How are you?

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Come on, let's get you down to our salon.

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Down you go, Michael, and grab your bit of make-up.

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-See you at the talk show.

-Will do. God bless.

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-Will it be full stage make-up?

-No, I think just the usual.

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Right.

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Looks like I'll be blowing.

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Family, eh?

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Sometimes your own family are the strangest characters you'll meet.

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Speaking about strange characters...

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let's see who we have in the audience tonight.

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Where's Barbara Ingham? Where's Barbara? Hello, Barbara.

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-Oh, look at you. You look gorgeous. I love your scarf.

-Thank you.

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Is it Barbara and her niece, Beverly? Is Bev with you?

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-Yes, Bev.

-Oh! Two scarves!

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It says you're amateur bird-watchers.

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-And they call you twitchers.

-Yes.

-Describe a bird-watching day.

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-What would you do?

-Well, we've got the gear...

-I bet you have.

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LAUGHTER

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No, let's go back to the bird-watching.

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We've not much idea.

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We can distinguish a robin from a tit, but that's it.

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LAUGHTER

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I wouldn't call myself a bird-watcher,

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but I'm pretty good at distinguishing a robin from a tit.

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Give them a round of applause.

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APPLAUSE

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Where's Nicola Dudgeon? Nicola?

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Hello, Nicola, how are you?

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Look at you! Hello. He-he-he-he!

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-Now, Nicola won best-dressed lady at Newcastle Races.

-Yes, I did.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

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Mind you, it's Newcastle, it's not that hard.

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LAUGHTER

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The last two winners were horses.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you have a photograph of this?

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Look at that!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

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Absolutely beautiful, beautiful lampsha...er, dress.

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Well, I have to say,

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that photograph doesn't do you half as justice as standing there.

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You're absolutely beautiful. Nice to meet you.

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APPLAUSE

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Where's Stephanie Sill, Stephanie Sill, where are you?

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-Hello, Stephanie. How are you?

-I'm good, thank you.

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-It says here you're a PE teacher.

-Yeah.

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It's important for kids to get exercise and, you know,

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do you do it in the mornings? Warm them up and all that?

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-Yeah.

-Come down for a second. Come here.

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Give her a round of applause.

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APPLAUSE

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-Now, you can see our crew are all very stiff.

-Yeah.

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And the audience look a bit stiff. Why don't we all warm up together?

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So you show us the exercise first. Show us.

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Right, OK, so first one,

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you're going to put your arm over your head. One hand on your hip.

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Hand on your hip. I have to warn you before you start,

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this is how my Rory started.

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Right arm in the air.

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Hold on, give us some music.

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MUSIC: Shake It Off by Taylor Swift

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Here we go!

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Four, three, four...

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MUSIC STOPS

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I could hear hips clicking.

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LAUGHTER

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That was fantastic for a warm-up. Give her a big round of applause.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you, Stephanie. That was lovely to be...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-What are you doing?!

-Warming up.

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-How are things coming for the show?

-I can't wait, Mammy.

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Michael Ball is going to be on the show tonight.

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I know, I already met him, he's gorgeous.

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Yeah, I've been wanting to have him on the sofa for a long time.

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LAUGHTER

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I could do to have him on the sofa for ten minutes.

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-Oh, the curly locks on his head, look at him. Mwah!

-Mammy!

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And then all the things you can grab onto. Grrr!

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-Mammy, stop it!

-# All about the bass, 'bout the bass... #

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-Sunetra Sarker is on, too.

-Wow!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh!

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-Oh, Mammy, I loved her in Casualty.

-Yeah.

-She's so much fun.

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-And she does a lot of community work too.

-She's a doctor, isn't she?

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No, Mammy, she PLAYS a doctor. She's an actress.

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That's something you'd be great at.

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LAUGHTER

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-Acting?

-Jesus, no!

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Community work.

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LAUGHTER

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I'll prepare somewhere else, thank you.

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Prepare away.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hello, Winnie.

-How are you, Agnes?

-Sit down.

-Thanks, pet.

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Listen, I just dropped in to say I have a very busy day,

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so I won't get a chance to call over.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you know, if you're too busy to call over today,

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why don't we go down to Foley's and have a coffee down there?

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-Jesus, that's a great idea, Agnes.

-I thought you might like it.

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-Cathy, I'm heading out, I'll be back later!

-Take your time.

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I could do with a bit of peace and quiet.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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-Hey, Cathy.

-Hey.

-Do you have a minute?

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What's wrong?

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Nothing's wrong, it's just Betty thinks it's time for, you know,

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the talk with Bono.

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Betty's absolutely right. He's at a very impressionable age.

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And the things he's learning now

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need to come from a responsible adult.

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Right.

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So I'll send him over here, and you can tell him everything.

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What?! No, Mark. His father needs to do it.

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-Tell him about the birds and the bees.

-Yeah...

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We make...

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, Granda.

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No.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Two coffees, son, please.

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-Hiya, Ma.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

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Hello, boys. How did the haunted house thing go?

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-It was great.

-It was spooky. We even did a seance and everything.

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Me and Winnie went to a seance once.

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We went on this nudist spa thing.

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Winnie said that she felt a couple of ghoulies going across her face.

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LAUGHTER

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So tell me, what happened?

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HE CHUCKLES

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-It was a...long story, Ma.

-I know, I know, yeah, yeah.

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I was going to go in with the long story, but you were laughing.

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-So what happened?

-It was a...long story, Ma.

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LAUGHTER

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It's always a long story.

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-Will we do the wobble?

-Let's do the wobble.

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Buster, today is going to be a great day.

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This is going to be the best Celebrity Haunted House Tour EVER.

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-SNIGGERS

-A gloriously ghoulish guided group

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gallivant around the gruesome garrisons and graves.

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-The tips are going to be rolling in.

-Yes, they will.

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We have to be at the top of our game.

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And I have the perfect celebrity to make this a success.

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A real-life ghost hunter.

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-Who?

-I've managed to get Yvette...

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Why? Is this place haunted by animals?

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What? No, Buster.

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Not a vet - Yvette Fielding.

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-You know, the woman off the telly? Who finds all the ghosts?

-Oh, yeah.

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Here she is now.

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# She's just a devil woman

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# With evil on her mind

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# Beware the devil woman

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# She's gonna get you... #

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-Hi, guys.

-Jesus!

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-What's up? You're very jumpy!

-Nice to meet you, Yvette.

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Nice to see you too. You're looking sexy.

0:14:480:14:51

So you can talk to dead animals?

0:14:510:14:53

No, Buster, I've just told you. She's not a vet.

0:14:530:14:55

She's Yvette.

0:14:550:14:57

-So what do they say to you?

-What?

-The animals.

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I don't talk to dead animals.

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Sometimes, I can speak to people from the other side.

0:15:040:15:07

The other side of what?

0:15:070:15:09

Shut up, Buster.

0:15:090:15:11

Right, Yvette, today, you work for us,

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and we need you to help us to make lots of tips, all right?

0:15:140:15:17

Now, we know you are used to having the willies put up you...

0:15:170:15:20

but today, we are going to put the willies up those people.

0:15:200:15:23

-So are you ready to help us?

-Sounds like a good plan.

0:15:230:15:26

-I like a good willy.

-Right, let's get started.

0:15:260:15:29

Good afternoon, guys and GHOULS!

0:15:320:15:35

-PUBLIC:

-Whooooo!

0:15:350:15:37

You're all very welcome to D&B's Celebrity Haunted House Tour.

0:15:370:15:41

-PUBLIC:

-Whoooo!

0:15:410:15:43

OK, here's your host, Yvette Fielding.

0:15:430:15:46

CHEERING

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Hello, everybody. Now then, who would like to find some ghosts?

0:15:480:15:52

-Yay!

-Ssh! Quietly.

0:15:520:15:55

-LOUDLY:

-Right, follow me!

0:15:560:15:57

# Scooby-Dooby-Doo

0:16:000:16:01

# Where are you?

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# We got some work to do now

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# Scooby-Dooby-Doo... #

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So, now to our real highlight of the tour

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where we are going to conduct a seance.

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-PUBLIC:

-Oooooh!

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And to help us with this is Yvette

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and this woman here who is a medium.

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LAUGHTER

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Extra large.

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But it suits you.

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Everybody hold hands.

0:16:290:16:30

Ghost! If you are there, give us a sign!

0:16:320:16:35

Expose yourself.

0:16:350:16:37

LAUGHTER

0:16:370:16:40

Shut up, Buster.

0:16:400:16:41

Just give us a sign that you are there.

0:16:430:16:46

PARP!

0:16:460:16:49

Sorry, Dermot.

0:16:490:16:50

LAUGHTER

0:16:500:16:52

I'm nervous.

0:16:520:16:54

Shut up, Buster.

0:16:550:16:57

Is there anybody here?

0:16:570:16:58

I'm sensing a presence.

0:17:000:17:02

-Can you show yourself to me?

-Slowly.

0:17:020:17:06

LOUD BANG

0:17:060:17:09

They're here. They're in the room! They're here.

0:17:090:17:11

Hold tight, everybody, hold tight. Don't let yourselves go!

0:17:110:17:15

# Scooby-Dooby-Doo

0:17:170:17:19

# Where are you?

0:17:190:17:20

# We need some help from you now. #

0:17:200:17:23

WOLF HOWLS

0:17:260:17:29

OK, now its time for a spooky ghost story.

0:17:310:17:36

MUSIC: Theme from Psycho

0:17:360:17:38

-PUBLIC:

-Oooh!

-You're going to piss your pants.

0:17:380:17:42

I am...

0:17:440:17:46

A young boy was murdered, he was hanged,

0:17:460:17:48

drawn and quartered by Irish mercenaries.

0:17:480:17:52

He certainly was, and he was an Irish harpist.

0:17:520:17:56

Whoa. He should have played the guitar.

0:17:560:17:58

-PARP!

-What's that?

-It's me again.

0:17:590:18:02

OK, moving on, next room!

0:18:040:18:06

# Scooby-Dooby-Doo

0:18:060:18:08

# Where are you?

0:18:080:18:10

# We got some work to do now... #

0:18:100:18:13

Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen,

0:18:140:18:17

we have come to the end of the Haunted House Tour.

0:18:170:18:19

-PUBLIC:

-Aw!

0:18:190:18:21

We're sorry you didn't see any ghosts,

0:18:210:18:23

but please tell your friends you did.

0:18:230:18:25

-LAUGHTER

-Please show your appreciation with a tip.

0:18:250:18:29

So, if we were scary and amazing, dip into those savings.

0:18:290:18:33

Don't be cheap if we gave you the creeps.

0:18:330:18:36

LAUGHTER

0:18:360:18:38

If our tour did the trick, don't be a...

0:18:380:18:40

A prick.

0:18:400:18:42

Thank you. Cheers.

0:18:440:18:45

Whatever, nice one. Cheers. Thanks.

0:18:450:18:48

-The bucket's heavy, Dermot.

-OK, Yvette, thanks for today.

0:18:480:18:52

You were great. Here's a little token of our appreciation.

0:18:520:18:55

Oh, thank you very much. That's grea...

0:18:550:18:57

-It's empty.

-Ooh!

0:19:000:19:02

It must have been the ghost.

0:19:030:19:05

-Let's go.

-See you. Heh-heh!

0:19:060:19:08

Bastards.

0:19:080:19:11

WOLF HOWLS

0:19:110:19:14

Well...

0:19:170:19:19

-Dermot, that was scary.

-Yeah, very.

-But Yvette sounds lovely.

0:19:200:19:24

-She was great.

-She's the nicest vet I ever met.

0:19:240:19:27

Buster, for the last time, it's not a vet, it's Yvette.

0:19:280:19:32

-Yvette?

-Yeah.

0:19:340:19:36

-Not a vet.

-Exactly.

0:19:360:19:39

Yvette.

0:19:390:19:41

Now you have it.

0:19:410:19:42

I can literally see the hamster falling off the wheel.

0:19:420:19:45

LAUGHTER

0:19:450:19:47

Don't look at me. You should go and see a...

0:19:470:19:50

THEY LAUGH

0:19:500:19:52

You should go and see a hamster.

0:19:520:19:54

THEY LAUGH

0:19:540:19:57

I can literally see a hamster committing suicide on the wheel.

0:19:570:20:00

THEY LAUGH

0:20:000:20:02

But don't look at me. You should take your hamster to a vet.

0:20:020:20:05

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Shut up, Buster.

0:20:050:20:08

Yeah.

0:20:080:20:09

That's called sympathy.

0:20:120:20:13

-Well, bye-bye, boys.

-See you, Ma.

0:20:150:20:17

Here, leave your glass, they're fucking short in here.

0:20:170:20:20

See you soon.

0:20:200:20:23

-Bye, love.

-Love you, Mrs Brown.

-Get away from me!

0:20:230:20:25

-There's your coffee, pet.

-Thank you, dear girl.

0:20:330:20:35

-Agnes.

-What, Winnie?

0:20:350:20:37

If you hadn't married Redser, who would you have married?

0:20:370:20:40

Well, I don't know.

0:20:400:20:41

But there was one fella. He was a fine thing.

0:20:420:20:45

A monster in the bedroom.

0:20:450:20:47

Yeah. He was a footballer for Bohemians FC.

0:20:510:20:53

Oh. My Jacko played for Bohemians.

0:20:530:20:56

This fellow was a centre forward.

0:20:560:20:58

My Jacko was a centre forward.

0:20:590:21:02

-Here.

-What?

0:21:070:21:08

I've got some more letters in from people looking for me

0:21:080:21:10

-to solve their problems.

-Oh!

-Here, you take these ones.

-Right.

0:21:100:21:13

And I'll take these.

0:21:130:21:15

The first one is from Pat Pearce.

0:21:150:21:16

Where's Pat? Hello, Pat!

0:21:160:21:18

-How are you, Pat?

-Fine, thank you.

0:21:180:21:20

And she says, "Having a bake-off day in May

0:21:200:21:22

"and I'm wondering if Mrs Brown has any good recipes for tarts,

0:21:220:21:26

"muffins or crumpets."

0:21:260:21:29

Muffins is her department.

0:21:350:21:37

But if you're looking for a tart or crumpet,

0:21:380:21:40

you've come to the right place.

0:21:400:21:42

Any time.

0:21:430:21:45

Ian McArthur, have we got Ian? Hello, Ian, how are you?

0:21:470:21:50

-Fine, thank you.

-Good to see you.

0:21:500:21:51

Ian says, "As a father of two teenage daughters, 18 and 15..."

0:21:510:21:55

That's odd names.

0:21:550:21:57

"..how do I deal with the potential boyfriend scenario

0:21:590:22:02

"without resorting to violence of a castration nature?"

0:22:020:22:05

Well, you know what? I have only one daughter and I swear to God,

0:22:070:22:11

if anybody, if the bin man asked to take her,

0:22:110:22:13

I'd bucking give her.

0:22:130:22:14

This one is from Janice, Janice Wallace.

0:22:170:22:19

-She says, "Dear, Agnes..."

-Where's Janice?

-"I..."

0:22:190:22:21

-Oh, sorry. Hello, Janice. How are you?

-Fine, Agnes.

0:22:210:22:23

-You look fantastic.

-Thank you.

0:22:230:22:25

She says, "I would like some advice.

0:22:250:22:27

"I have been playing with my husband's bowels."

0:22:270:22:30

Oh, boules! Boules! Sorry.

0:22:300:22:34

"I've been playing with my husband's bowls...

0:22:340:22:36

"..and they are too large for my hands and I..."

0:22:380:22:41

LAUGHTER

0:22:410:22:42

"And I keep dropping them on the grass

0:22:420:22:45

"which means I can't get anywhere near the jack to win the game."

0:22:450:22:49

APPLAUSE

0:22:530:22:57

-Janice.

-Yes, Agnes.

0:23:030:23:05

If you get a ball in each hand

0:23:050:23:08

and clack them together

0:23:080:23:10

you will never see the jack again.

0:23:100:23:13

-Here!

-What?

0:23:190:23:20

I'd better be off. I'd better be getting these tongs in the picker

0:23:200:23:23

and not for the first time either.

0:23:230:23:25

-I'll see you later, Winnie. Bye-bye.

-I'll see you later.

-Bye!

0:23:250:23:28

Is Mark going to be long in there? I'm starting my show any minute.

0:23:340:23:37

I don't know. He's having the talk with Bono.

0:23:370:23:41

Put the phone down, I want to have a chat.

0:23:430:23:45

Sure, Dad.

0:23:450:23:46

I want to talk to you about...

0:23:480:23:50

About what, Dad?

0:23:500:23:51

-About sex.

-Sure, Dad.

0:23:530:23:55

What do you want to know?

0:23:550:23:57

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:23:590:24:02

What?

0:24:040:24:06

Don't be afraid, Dad. You can ask me anything.

0:24:060:24:08

Betty, come on. We're going!

0:24:100:24:12

-Hi, Ma.

-Hello, Mark, son.

0:24:150:24:17

-What's wrong?

-It's Dad, he'll be fine. Love you.

0:24:230:24:26

-Love you more.

-And, Granny?

-Yes, love?

0:24:260:24:29

-Reggae!

-Ooh!

0:24:290:24:30

MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy

0:24:300:24:33

RECORD SCRATCHES

0:24:470:24:49

So, Aly, you're making what?

0:24:490:24:51

Er, I'm making brown curry for Sunetra and her mum.

0:24:510:24:56

-But I'm putting a bit of twist in.

-A bit of a twist in.

0:24:560:24:58

-Nice fusion, you know, something...

-So, can have a look

0:24:580:25:00

at the curry, what it's like when it's finished?

0:25:000:25:02

Look at that. AUDIENCE OOHS

0:25:020:25:05

APPLAUSE

0:25:060:25:08

-And we're going to have a surprise dish.

-A surprise dish?

-Yes.

0:25:080:25:10

-What's that?

-Surprise!

0:25:100:25:12

Reggae!

0:25:140:25:16

MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy

0:25:160:25:18

RECORD SCRATCHES Ooh.

0:25:330:25:35

Cathy's show is about to start. I should get in there.

0:25:350:25:38

Good luck with that, Mrs Brown.

0:25:380:25:39

Five, four, three, two, one.

0:25:390:25:43

# Lights aglow Here we go

0:25:430:25:46

# The Cathy Brown Show. #

0:25:460:25:47

APPLAUSE

0:25:470:25:50

And me, Mrs Agnes Brown.

0:25:530:25:56

Cathy's mother.

0:25:560:25:58

96 hours in labour.

0:25:580:25:59

Well, welcome to the show,

0:26:010:26:03

and please welcome my guests tonight,

0:26:030:26:05

the magnificent Michael Ball

0:26:050:26:07

and the supremely talented Sunetra Sarker.

0:26:070:26:09

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:26:090:26:12

How are you?

0:26:170:26:18

Thank you.

0:26:180:26:21

-Hello!

-Hello.

0:26:210:26:23

-Hello, Sunetra.

-Hello!

0:26:230:26:25

Why can't you dress like that?

0:26:280:26:31

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:26:350:26:38

Buster, what are you doing? That's terrifying.

0:26:420:26:46

It's for Michael. I wanted to show him my...

0:26:460:26:49

# Phantom of the opera! #

0:26:490:26:52

-That was good.

-Wow!

0:26:520:26:55

Buster, get out.

0:26:560:26:58

-Out.

-Aww.

-AUDIENCE AWWS

0:26:580:27:02

And get the lights, Buster.

0:27:020:27:04

MUSIC: Phantom Of The Opera

0:27:060:27:10

The bells, the bells!

0:27:120:27:15

APPLAUSE

0:27:150:27:17

-Well, welcome to the show, both of you.

-Thank you, Cathy.

0:27:210:27:24

-Thank you.

-First up, Sunetra,

0:27:240:27:25

-you're probably best known for Casualty.

-Yes.

0:27:250:27:28

-But since leaving, we've seen you in Broadchurch.

-Oh, yeah.

0:27:280:27:31

-And in Death In Paradise.

-Yes.

0:27:310:27:33

And we'll next see you in the ITV drama, Safe House.

0:27:330:27:37

-Yes.

-Tell us a bit about that.

0:27:370:27:38

Yeah, well, it was interesting putting down my doctor's stethoscope

0:27:380:27:41

and becoming a detective instead,

0:27:410:27:42

which is what I'm playing in Safe House.

0:27:420:27:44

Yeah, I'm a detective in charge of a serial killer.

0:27:440:27:46

That's very, very different from being a doctor.

0:27:460:27:49

-Very different, yeah.

-Was it hard to adjust, you know, to...?

0:27:490:27:51

Yeah, I'm so used to feeling people's pulses

0:27:510:27:53

and speaking medical gobbledygook

0:27:530:27:55

that it was quite a breath of fresh air to speak English all the time

0:27:550:27:58

and not have to go into medical jargon.

0:27:580:28:00

You started your career in Brookside

0:28:000:28:02

and I think, didn't you do a small role in Coronation Street?

0:28:020:28:05

-I did, yes.

-Did you?

-Yeah, I did two episodes.

0:28:050:28:08

But they...

0:28:080:28:10

-they never asked me back. I was playing a tennis pro...

-Oh.

0:28:100:28:13

..who was a love rival for Kevin Webster, Mike Le Vell,

0:28:130:28:18

-and he beat me up.

-Mm.

0:28:180:28:22

And I do it in these tiny, little white shorts

0:28:220:28:24

with a great old '80s mullet.

0:28:240:28:26

-You don't have the shorts with you, do you?

-No, I don't!

0:28:260:28:30

Stop it, Mammy.

0:28:300:28:32

-Would you be tempted to do any more...?

-I would be so tempted!

0:28:320:28:35

Oh, Mammy, please!

0:28:350:28:37

-I didn't ask if you were tempted to...

-New balls, please! New balls.

0:28:370:28:41

-APPLAUSE

-I'll tell you what...

0:28:420:28:44

If I tried to wear those shorts, I'd need them.

0:28:470:28:49

-Michael.

-Yes, Cathy.

0:28:530:28:55

-Your album with Alfie Boe...

-Yeah.

0:28:550:28:56

-..it was a bestselling UK album of 2016.

-It was.

0:28:560:28:59

I think that deserves a round of applause.

0:28:590:29:01

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:29:010:29:04

There's no rivalry between the two of you?

0:29:050:29:07

Well, you know, if you work with someone that you like,

0:29:070:29:10

who's a mate but is also really good,

0:29:100:29:12

I think it kind of makes you work at the top of your game.

0:29:120:29:15

Oh, I wish I had that pleasure.

0:29:150:29:17

We have a clip of both of you performing one of the songs

0:29:210:29:23

-from the album.

-OK.

0:29:230:29:25

# If I die

0:29:250:29:30

# Let me die

0:29:300:29:35

# Let him live

0:29:350:29:39

# Bring him home... #

0:29:410:29:45

APPLAUSE

0:29:480:29:51

MRS BROWN CRIES

0:29:550:29:57

-Did you enjoy that, Mammy?

-No, I just...

0:29:570:29:59

I'm a music lover and it wasn't in key.

0:29:590:30:02

-Sorry, Michael.

-I blame Alfie!

0:30:050:30:07

Yeah, it's his fault.

0:30:070:30:09

Sunetra, most actors, you know,

0:30:090:30:12

they're working for years and years and years

0:30:120:30:14

-before they can get discovered.

-Mm-hm.

0:30:140:30:15

Where were you discovered?

0:30:150:30:17

I was discovered at the bus stop.

0:30:170:30:19

Yeah. When I was 15, yeah.

0:30:210:30:23

I think they were desperately looking for Asian Scousers

0:30:230:30:25

and they must've scoured the whole of Liverpool

0:30:250:30:27

and just not found anyone back in the '80s.

0:30:270:30:30

So the casting director sort of got in her car

0:30:300:30:32

and starting looking around the whole of Liverpool and...

0:30:320:30:34

-Yeah.

-For Brookie?

-For Brookie. She said, "Oh, you've got

0:30:340:30:36

"the right face for this character we've written.

0:30:360:30:38

"Give that card to your mum and dad and come along for an audition."

0:30:380:30:41

And here I am 27 years later.

0:30:410:30:44

APPLAUSE

0:30:440:30:46

Mammy, you were doing a little bit of research on Michael today too,

0:30:500:30:53

-weren't you?

-I was.

0:30:530:30:54

I just want to ask, what were you thinking

0:30:570:30:59

when you were posing for this photograph?

0:30:590:31:01

My God. That's him on the right.

0:31:030:31:05

Blimey. I've never seen that photo in my life.

0:31:060:31:09

MRS BROWN LAUGHS

0:31:090:31:10

-That's Aspects Of Love.

-Ooh!

-Is it?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:31:100:31:13

-What the hell was I wearing?

-I know, I know.

0:31:130:31:16

I found it under Rory's mattress.

0:31:160:31:18

Well, Mammy, now it's time to bring out

0:31:240:31:26

one of our guests' own mammies onto the show.

0:31:260:31:28

So, this week, please welcome Sunetra's gorgeous mammy, Bisakha.

0:31:280:31:33

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:31:330:31:36

You're so welcome.

0:31:410:31:43

Thank you.

0:31:450:31:46

Look at the glamour and grace of you.

0:31:480:31:51

You make your daughter look like a tramp.

0:31:510:31:54

Sit down here. Sit down.

0:31:540:31:56

APPLAUSE

0:31:560:31:58

Welcome to the show, Bisakha. It's lovely to have you with us.

0:31:590:32:02

You have to be the most interesting person we've ever had on the show.

0:32:020:32:06

-You have an MBE.

-Yes.

0:32:060:32:08

APPLAUSE

0:32:080:32:10

For services in teaching Indian dance to the community.

0:32:130:32:17

And you're dancing... Were you a professional dancer?

0:32:170:32:19

Yes, I am. I've always danced, you know, from when I was very young.

0:32:190:32:23

I started and then I carried on.

0:32:230:32:26

-You're still dancing?

-Yes, I am.

-Wow!

0:32:260:32:29

Just age-appropriate, I must add.

0:32:290:32:31

-50s, 50s.

-And you teach dance?

-I do.

-Wow!

0:32:330:32:37

I'm looking forward to, if any of you would like

0:32:370:32:39

-to learn a few moves.

-Mum!

0:32:390:32:42

APPLAUSE You had me at hello.

0:32:420:32:45

Mammy, we have a little photo of when Bisakha

0:32:480:32:50

-was presented with her MBE.

-Let's have a look at it.

0:32:500:32:52

-Aww.

-Aww.

-Aww.

0:32:520:32:54

And that's Sunetra and this is your sister, is that correct?

0:32:540:32:58

Yes, Sri. Yeah, we all went, it was a family outing.

0:32:580:33:00

-Three sisters. You look beautiful.

-Aww.

0:33:000:33:02

But again, if you could just dress like your mother.

0:33:020:33:05

I think I look all right!

0:33:070:33:08

-You've got an MBE. MICHAEL:

-No, I've got an OBE.

0:33:090:33:11

-You've got an OBE. Your father's...

-His dad's got an MBE.

0:33:110:33:13

-My dad's an MBE.

-That's right, yes.

-For?

0:33:130:33:16

-Services to the motor industry.

-He was involved with the Mini.

0:33:160:33:19

He launched the very first Mini.

0:33:190:33:21

And you brought him along when you received your OBE.

0:33:210:33:23

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I think we have a photo of that.

-Have you?

0:33:230:33:26

-Wow!

-Aww.

0:33:260:33:28

He said it was the proudest day of his life. It was just brilliant.

0:33:280:33:30

-Very moving.

-Perfect.

0:33:300:33:32

Now, Bisakha, what was Sunetra like as a little girl?

0:33:320:33:35

Erm... Well, she was my first child

0:33:350:33:39

so I think, you know, I didn't know what to expect.

0:33:390:33:42

-What she spoiled?

-Yeah.

0:33:420:33:44

I wasn't spoiled!

0:33:440:33:47

-You were really strict.

-No, no, no.

-You were super strict.

0:33:470:33:50

-I don't think so.

-Yes, you were.

-I think you were very spoiled.

0:33:500:33:52

Take it outside, girls. Take it outside.

0:33:520:33:55

She was loud and boisterous.

0:33:550:33:56

Was she a good dancer when she was growing up?

0:33:560:33:58

Not maybe as good as she could've been.

0:33:580:34:01

Are you of the same opinion as the rest of us in that,

0:34:030:34:06

everything I've seen you in, Sunetra,

0:34:060:34:08

-the camera absolutely loves you.

-Oh.

0:34:080:34:10

It just loves you. You look better on camera than you do now.

0:34:100:34:13

-Mammy.

-Yes, love?

0:34:150:34:16

Would you like to take Bisakha into the kitchen

0:34:160:34:18

and see how Chef Aly is doing?

0:34:180:34:20

I would love to take Bisakha in the kitchen and have a little chat.

0:34:200:34:23

Please allow me.

0:34:230:34:25

No, you're only just over knee surgery,

0:34:250:34:27

so I want to make it nice and easy for you.

0:34:270:34:29

-You fall with me.

-Well, if I fall with you, we fall together.

0:34:290:34:32

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:34:320:34:34

Now, she said Sunetra wasn't a precocious child.

0:34:450:34:47

Have a look at that.

0:34:490:34:51

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:34:510:34:54

I was about ten!

0:34:540:34:56

-So this would have been one of her first head shots, I think?

-Yes.

0:34:560:35:00

She really photographs so well.

0:35:000:35:01

When you see her up close, it's different.

0:35:010:35:03

Isn't that beautiful? Look at that!

0:35:050:35:06

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

-I know!

0:35:060:35:09

You look at that and you think, "Casualty."

0:35:090:35:11

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:110:35:14

Tell me about the basics for Indian dancing.

0:35:140:35:16

-Could you teach me some small moves? I don't want to go mad.

-Yes.

0:35:160:35:19

-Aly! Come on, come on!

-I'm busy now!

-Come on!

0:35:190:35:24

You're going to learn to dance.

0:35:240:35:26

-OK.

-Put one hand on your waist.

0:35:270:35:30

Aly, come on!

0:35:300:35:32

-One hand on your waist.

-And one over there.

0:35:320:35:34

-And one over there, like this?

-And we'll just move our hips like that.

0:35:340:35:37

-I can do this!

-Yeah, that's right.

-Yes!

0:35:390:35:42

-That is a movement.

-OK.

0:35:420:35:45

Time for a bit of music, let me try that.

0:35:450:35:47

MUSIC: Jai Ho (You Are My Destiny) by The Pussycat Dolls

0:35:470:35:51

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

0:35:510:35:53

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:36:120:36:15

Let's go and see what Aly's...

0:36:150:36:18

So... Now, my mother used to do a...

0:36:190:36:21

-So, I see peppers in here.

-Yeah.

-Is that a Dublin Bay prawn?

0:36:230:36:27

-He's a big boy, a big prawn, yeah.

-They are big boys!

-Yes.

0:36:270:36:30

-So this is the prawn and this is the sauce?

-This is the curry sauce.

0:36:300:36:33

Be very careful at home.

0:36:330:36:34

It's not easy to cook and you don't want to buy your curry

0:36:340:36:37

from anywhere. Don't buy it from a garage, for instance.

0:36:370:36:39

Buy it in a garage, you think it's hot going down,

0:36:390:36:41

you want to feel it coming out! I'm looking forward to tasting that.

0:36:410:36:44

Will we go back in and see what the girls are doing?

0:36:440:36:47

-Thank you very much.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Bisakha.

0:36:470:36:49

APPLAUSE

0:36:490:36:51

-Now, Michael.

-Yeah?

-You're famous for your powerful voice.

-Thank you.

0:36:580:37:02

I think we'd all love to hear it at full force.

0:37:020:37:05

CHEERING

0:37:050:37:07

-I've an idea.

-What?

0:37:090:37:10

Powerful or not, with your voice, from there,

0:37:100:37:13

I bet you can't wake up Sleepy Dopey here.

0:37:130:37:16

-Well, let's find out!

-Yes, go on, try it!

0:37:160:37:19

Shall I do the last bit of Love Changes Everything?

0:37:230:37:25

-Oh, that would be beautiful, yes.

-The big money note, as it's known.

0:37:250:37:29

Take it away, Michael.

0:37:290:37:31

# Love will never, never let you be

0:37:320:37:36

# The....

0:37:360:37:38

# Sa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-me... #

0:37:380:37:41

APPLAUSE

0:37:410:37:42

He's still alive! It didn't work. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Ball.

0:37:520:37:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:37:560:37:57

Mammy, I think we should get Chef Aly in with today's dishes.

0:38:050:38:08

Well, let me go and help him. It's beautiful.

0:38:080:38:10

Wait till you see what he has. Aly, bring it in.

0:38:100:38:12

APPLAUSE

0:38:140:38:16

There's an awful lot of balls!

0:38:200:38:22

Oh... Oh...

0:38:240:38:26

I'm joking!

0:38:260:38:28

-That looks amazing.

-Are they real?

0:38:300:38:32

Wow, Aly. Well, what have we got here?

0:38:320:38:34

We've got prawn curry with all the condiments.

0:38:340:38:37

We've got profiter-balls... for Michael Ball.

0:38:370:38:40

-APPLAUSE

-Aww, profiter-balls!

0:38:400:38:43

Well, while Aly dishes up some of the curry, I'm going to take

0:38:460:38:49

some up to the audience and see what the audience think of them.

0:38:490:38:52

Let me just try that one there.

0:38:520:38:53

Would you like a...?

0:38:590:39:00

Hey, hey!

0:39:000:39:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:39:020:39:03

Step away from the eclairs!

0:39:060:39:08

Just cos it went past you doesn't mean it's for you!

0:39:100:39:13

There you go. Isn't it lovely? Look at that, the presentation.

0:39:130:39:17

Look at the way the roses... It's gorgeous, isn't it? No.

0:39:170:39:20

There you go. Our PE teacher.

0:39:230:39:25

So, guys, what do you think?

0:39:350:39:37

It's stunning. I'm so glad I came.

0:39:370:39:41

-Beautiful.

-Sunetra, is it better than your mammy's?

0:39:410:39:44

I can't say that with mum sitting next to me.

0:39:440:39:47

-It's just as good as, honestly.

-As good as. That's a great compliment.

0:39:470:39:50

-Bisakha, is that nice?

-Very nice.

0:39:500:39:53

-It's really something I've never tasted before.

-Thank you very much.

0:39:530:39:58

It's supposed to be fuckin' curry!

0:39:580:40:00

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:40:000:40:02

Aly, you blew it!

0:40:050:40:08

Well, that's all we have time for on The Cathy Brown Show tonight.

0:40:080:40:11

A huge thanks to all my guests - Michael Ball,

0:40:110:40:15

Sunetra Sarker...

0:40:150:40:16

APPLAUSE

0:40:160:40:18

..Bisakha...

0:40:180:40:21

and, of course, Chef Aly!

0:40:210:40:25

Next week, we'll be joined by... Oh, no. There is no next week.

0:40:260:40:31

AUDIENCE MOAN

0:40:310:40:32

We'll see you again soon, but, for now,

0:40:320:40:34

it's over to Father Damien and Trevor for Thought For The Day.

0:40:340:40:38

Goodnight!

0:40:380:40:39

APPLAUSE

0:40:390:40:41

Good evening. And God bless you all.

0:40:480:40:52

I'm sure some of you are tired after a long day's work.

0:40:520:40:56

And some of you are just going to work now. Night people.

0:40:560:40:59

People we know, like Martin in the fire service,

0:40:590:41:02

or Liam, who's a police officer.

0:41:020:41:04

Or Jennifer Murphy, who's in personal security or,

0:41:040:41:07

-as she likes to call it, the escort service.

-Whatever.

0:41:070:41:11

The point is, whether you work day or night, ask yourself,

0:41:110:41:15

what questions did you ask God today?

0:41:150:41:18

He's there to answer all of your questions.

0:41:180:41:20

Questions like, which is better - the iPhone or the Samsung 7?

0:41:200:41:23

-No.

-No.

0:41:230:41:25

Serious questions like, am I living up to my potential?

0:41:250:41:28

Or should I visit a friend who may be in prison?

0:41:280:41:31

-Or is it worth buying my mother out of the army?

-What?

0:41:310:41:35

God is, like, there for you.

0:41:350:41:38

Like that extra bit of leverage you need

0:41:380:41:40

when your nuts are too tight and you're trying to change a flat tyre.

0:41:400:41:44

You ask the question, He'll find the answer.

0:41:440:41:47

Yes. Many of the answers you're looking for, they're in here.

0:41:470:41:51

Is like a Wikipedi-Jesus.

0:41:510:41:54

Well, that's my tip for the day.

0:41:540:41:57

And don't thank me - thank Jesus...

0:41:570:42:00

AMERICAN ACCENT: ..for puttin' the love in ma heart.

0:42:000:42:03

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

0:42:030:42:05

APPLAUSE

0:42:050:42:06

You do know the Samsung Galaxy 7 goes on fire?

0:42:060:42:09

Only your one, Damien.

0:42:100:42:12

Pfff!

0:42:120:42:14

Ooh-ooh! Ah! Ooh!

0:42:140:42:16

APPLAUSE

0:42:190:42:21

You know, the best thing about being a mammy is doing the lovely things

0:42:230:42:26

for your children that make them happy, like buying them pets.

0:42:260:42:29

You know, yeah... Children.

0:42:290:42:32

It's only when Christmas comes you understand why some animals

0:42:320:42:34

eat their buckin' young.

0:42:340:42:36

When you buy your pet, you might hurt the pet, like, kill it.

0:42:380:42:41

Well, you just buy them another pet, just like that.

0:42:420:42:45

Sometimes you might accidentally kill that one, too.

0:42:450:42:48

Isn't that right, Anita Kelly?

0:42:480:42:50

Oh, no!

0:42:500:42:52

Yes, Anita Kelly, you're our Mammy of the Week!

0:42:520:42:55

Come on down and join me. Come on.

0:42:590:43:00

CHEERING

0:43:040:43:06

Anita, every week, we reward a wonderful mother with this,

0:43:130:43:16

the Mammy of the Week Award,

0:43:160:43:17

and you've been nominated by your beautiful daughter.

0:43:170:43:20

Look at her up there. Charlotte.

0:43:200:43:22

She wanted you to be our Mammy of the Week, and this is why.

0:43:220:43:24

Hi, Mam, I've nominated you to be Mammy of the Week,

0:43:280:43:31

because I think you're simply the best.

0:43:310:43:33

But you're also a total nightmare.

0:43:330:43:36

My mam thinks it's really funny to loudly fart in public and blame us!

0:43:420:43:47

She does it all the time. Totally gross.

0:43:470:43:51

We used to have a really cute little hamster when I was young.

0:43:530:43:56

One day, Mam got it out of the cage

0:43:560:43:58

and accidentally dropped me on top of it,

0:43:580:44:01

completely squashing the poor thing.

0:44:010:44:03

She just ends up bumping into everything -

0:44:040:44:07

bollards, other cars, even walls.

0:44:070:44:10

Then we got a second hamster and this time,

0:44:120:44:15

she accidentally cooked it in the oven.

0:44:150:44:18

Hamsters really don't do so well in our house.

0:44:180:44:20

She really likes to throw things and it's Dad that gets the brunt of it.

0:44:220:44:26

He's had pretty much everything thrown at him over the years -

0:44:260:44:30

toasters, hairdryers, you name it.

0:44:300:44:33

There's still a dent in the wall from where she threw a knife at him,

0:44:330:44:36

which he says is a constant reminder to stay on her good side.

0:44:360:44:39

So, despite all those things that drive us crazy,

0:44:410:44:44

you really are a superwoman that does everything for us.

0:44:440:44:48

You've helped me so much and we all think you're amazing.

0:44:480:44:51

She's really been a rock for all of us.

0:44:510:44:52

We don't know what we'd do without you.

0:44:520:44:54

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

0:44:570:45:00

Well, our last show and we end up giving an award to a serial killer.

0:45:080:45:12

Apart from killing pets and trying to assassinate your husband,

0:45:190:45:22

they say you're a very cool mum. You're a big fan of Olly Murs.

0:45:220:45:24

-I am, yeah.

-Have you got all his albums?

-Yeah.

0:45:240:45:28

Well, Anita, how would you like to come upstairs with me

0:45:280:45:31

and I'll show you what's in my box?

0:45:310:45:32

-I'd love to see what's in your box.

-Follow me.

0:45:340:45:37

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:45:370:45:38

# It's going to make you think

0:45:380:45:39

# It's going to rock your socks

0:45:390:45:41

# When you see what's in Mammy's Box. #

0:45:410:45:44

APPLAUSE

0:45:440:45:46

Anita, it's time for you to play Mrs Brown's Box. Are you ready?

0:45:490:45:53

-Yeah.

-Let me tell you what's going to happen here now.

0:45:530:45:56

They're all covered in...

0:45:560:45:58

A knife! You threw a feckin' knife!

0:45:580:46:00

OK, so you can pick, you know, if you want, Grandad,

0:46:010:46:04

-who's very weak and frail.

-Yeah.

0:46:040:46:06

Dino, who, God love him, he's very little...or Buster.

0:46:060:46:10

They all have chocolates, manicures, flowers, wine,

0:46:100:46:13

chocolate, flowers, a year's supply of tea, manicure,

0:46:130:46:16

and the golden key.

0:46:160:46:17

You have to hit that really hard when you're doing it.

0:46:170:46:21

That key is really well stuck on, you have to hit that so hard,

0:46:210:46:24

but I don't have to tell you that, because you throw knives.

0:46:240:46:27

So it's up to you if you want Dino, Grandad or Buster.

0:46:280:46:31

-Dino.

-Dino?

0:46:310:46:33

I'll just do it one more time.

0:46:340:46:36

Do you want Dino, Grandad or Buster?

0:46:390:46:44

Dino.

0:46:440:46:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:46:450:46:49

You two, get out.

0:46:500:46:52

OK, Dino it is! Dino!

0:46:520:46:54

Come into the middle, Dino.

0:46:540:46:56

Dino, she's obviously a big fan,

0:46:560:46:58

she's going to beat the shit out of you.

0:46:580:47:00

Now, there's your magic tea towel and I have mine here

0:47:000:47:03

just in case you need backup.

0:47:030:47:05

LAUGHTER

0:47:050:47:08

It wasn't supposed to be like this!

0:47:080:47:10

Knock off as many as you can, as hard as you can.

0:47:110:47:14

Don't forget - as hard as you can.

0:47:140:47:15

Your time starts when I say "go" and it ends when you hear the gong.

0:47:150:47:19

You have to hit them really hard to get them off.

0:47:190:47:22

OK, and go!

0:47:220:47:24

CHEERING

0:47:240:47:25

That was close!

0:47:470:47:49

Now, let's see what's left.

0:47:490:47:50

I make it 361 euros.

0:47:530:47:57

APPLAUSE

0:47:570:47:59

Pick up all these stars.

0:48:000:48:03

You did really well. You did really, really well.

0:48:030:48:06

Let's see what you've got here.

0:48:060:48:07

-Chocolates, lovely. AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

0:48:090:48:11

-A year's supply of tea.

-Ooh!

0:48:110:48:13

You look like you prefer whisky.

0:48:130:48:15

Cinema tickets, there you go, very nice.

0:48:160:48:19

-Oh, a manicure!

-Ooh!

0:48:190:48:21

Look at her nails, she doesn't need a manicure.

0:48:210:48:24

And the key to Mrs Brown's Box!

0:48:250:48:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:48:270:48:29

You take the key off that now and I'll go and get Mrs Brown's Box.

0:48:290:48:33

Lovely stuff.

0:48:380:48:39

I'll open this like that. Dino's taking his breath there.

0:48:390:48:43

OK, let's see what you've won.

0:48:440:48:45

APPLAUSE

0:48:470:48:50

Olly Murs tickets!

0:48:520:48:53

-Congratulations, Anita Kelly, our Mammy of the Week.

-Thank you!

0:48:550:48:59

If you could just tidy him up a bit, I'd appreciate it.

0:49:050:49:08

And, actually, tidy the place up a bit as well.

0:49:080:49:10

I have to go to the pub. Anita Kelly, ladies and gentlemen!

0:49:100:49:13

APPLAUSE

0:49:130:49:16

Thank you so much.

0:49:160:49:17

Can I help you, son?

0:49:420:49:45

Erm, we're here to play for you, I think.

0:49:450:49:47

SHE CHUCKLES

0:49:470:49:49

Show me buckin' ID.

0:49:490:49:51

No, Mammy, that's our band. They're playing here tonight.

0:49:520:49:56

It's The Vamps!

0:49:560:49:57

THEY SQUEAL

0:49:570:49:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:49:580:50:02

A gay band, fantastic.

0:50:020:50:03

Tell me, now, I know you boys are going to sing your, er...

0:50:050:50:08

-What's the hit called?

-All Night is the song, yeah.

0:50:080:50:10

You're going to sing all night? No, not all night, son, you can only...

0:50:100:50:13

Four minutes, that's it, you're out of here.

0:50:130:50:16

-But can I ask you for a special request?

-Of course, yeah.

0:50:160:50:19

I like the oldies, you know?

0:50:190:50:21

One of my favourites of all time is a song called Mack The Knife.

0:50:210:50:25

-Would you know it?

-We do, actually, yeah.

-You do know it?

0:50:250:50:27

Would you mind giving me a couple of bars?

0:50:270:50:30

# Oh, the shark, babe

0:50:300:50:32

# Has such teeth, dear

0:50:320:50:35

# And it shows them

0:50:350:50:38

# Pearly white

0:50:380:50:41

# Just a jack-knife

0:50:410:50:44

# Has old MacHeath, babe

0:50:440:50:47

# And he keeps it out of sight. #

0:50:470:50:53

APPLAUSE

0:50:530:50:55

You go get ready and you can tell me a little bit more about the band.

0:51:010:51:05

Where are you gigging next?

0:51:050:51:06

We've got, er, we go on tour. We're doing an arena tour around the UK,

0:51:060:51:09

-so feel free to come along if you're free.

-Oh, you're very kind.

0:51:090:51:12

-The "free" bit is the bit I'm interested in.

-Free, yeah.

0:51:120:51:15

You're a fine young man.

0:51:150:51:17

-In a few years, you're going to get feelings, son.

-OK.

0:51:180:51:22

-You're going to want to be around girls and that.

-OK, OK.

0:51:220:51:25

-If any of you need any advice...

-Come to you?

0:51:250:51:27

You'd better believe it.

0:51:270:51:29

I'm going to go and get ready now, OK?

0:51:310:51:33

APPLAUSE

0:51:330:51:35

Here they are, singing All Night, The Vamps!

0:51:380:51:40

RORY SQUEALS

0:51:400:51:42

Here we go!

0:51:460:51:47

# I've been up all night, no sleep

0:51:470:51:51

# Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming

0:51:510:51:55

# All night, no sleep

0:51:550:51:57

# Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming... #

0:51:570:52:01

How are we feeling tonight?

0:52:030:52:05

CHEERING

0:52:050:52:07

Let me see you off your feet, stand up, stand up!

0:52:070:52:09

# Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming

0:52:110:52:15

# Sometimes I tend to lose myself

0:52:150:52:18

# Out there on my own

0:52:180:52:21

# I never seem to get it right

0:52:210:52:24

# But I guess that's how it goes, yeah

0:52:240:52:28

# Ever since you came around

0:52:280:52:31

# Can't nobody hold me down

0:52:310:52:35

# You showed me how to find myself

0:52:350:52:38

# When I needed it the most

0:52:380:52:40

# I've been up all night, no sleep

0:52:400:52:44

# Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming

0:52:440:52:48

# All night, no sleep

0:52:480:52:50

# Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming

0:52:500:52:54

# Wide awake, that's OK

0:52:540:52:58

# As long as I'm with you

0:52:580:53:00

# I'll be up all night, no sleep

0:53:000:53:04

# Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming... #

0:53:040:53:07

Make some noise!

0:53:070:53:10

CHEERING

0:53:100:53:13

# As long as I'm with you

0:53:130:53:16

# I feel like I'm always dreaming

0:53:170:53:21

# And I'm never going to find my way

0:53:210:53:24

# If I don't learn to let go

0:53:240:53:27

# The past is the past Today is today

0:53:270:53:30

# And there's things I can't control

0:53:300:53:34

# The circles underneath my eyes

0:53:340:53:37

# Tell the truth that I've been trying to hide

0:53:370:53:41

# See, I've been waiting for you way too long

0:53:410:53:44

# Won't you come and take me home?

0:53:440:53:47

# Oh, I, I'm praying this ain't all a dream

0:53:470:53:53

# Can you, you

0:53:530:53:57

# Wake me up before you leave?

0:53:570:54:00

# I've been up all night, no sleep

0:54:000:54:03

# Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming

0:54:030:54:07

# All night, no sleep

0:54:070:54:10

# Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming

0:54:100:54:14

# Wide awake, that's OK

0:54:140:54:17

# As long as I'm with you

0:54:170:54:21

# I'll be up all night, no sleep

0:54:210:54:23

# Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming... #

0:54:230:54:27

Let me hear you screaming!

0:54:270:54:29

CHEERING

0:54:290:54:31

# As long as I'm with you

0:54:330:54:35

# I feel like I'm always dreaming

0:54:360:54:40

# No-oo-oo, na-na

0:54:430:54:46

# As long as I'm with you

0:54:460:54:48

# Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming. #

0:54:490:54:54

Thank you very much!

0:54:540:54:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:54:550:54:58

Well...

0:55:040:55:05

Well, another wonderful night with Sunetra Sarker, Michael Ball

0:55:080:55:11

and The Vamps. Weren't they just magnificent?

0:55:110:55:14

For children, they were wonderful!

0:55:140:55:17

And, of course, Yvette, who was in the haunted house.

0:55:170:55:19

Wonderful, wonderful guests, and that's it now for this series.

0:55:190:55:22

I hope you enjoyed it all. AUDIENCE MOAN

0:55:220:55:25

Well, I hope you enjoyed some of it anyway.

0:55:250:55:28

I have to tell you, I enjoyed every bit of it.

0:55:280:55:30

We had the most wonderful guests

0:55:300:55:31

and the thing that they all had in common...

0:55:310:55:33

is that none of them took themselves seriously.

0:55:330:55:36

Sometimes you have to do that, you know. Let go. Try it. Go on.

0:55:360:55:40

Open your heart and take a risk.

0:55:400:55:42

There's no feeling like it in the world.

0:55:420:55:44

Well, maybe making love to George Clooney.

0:55:440:55:46

But, apart from that... Or Matt Damon. Maybe Matt...

0:55:480:55:51

Yes, OK, Matt Damon.

0:55:510:55:53

Be good to each other. Goodnight.

0:55:530:55:55

APPLAUSE

0:55:550:55:56

# Make a date, don't be late

0:56:000:56:02

# Cos you know it's going to be great

0:56:020:56:05

# When the irrepressible Browns come to town

0:56:050:56:09

# To begin, just tune in

0:56:100:56:12

# And you'll wear a nuclear grin

0:56:120:56:15

# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown

0:56:150:56:19

# Instead of feeling depressed

0:56:210:56:23

# Let laughter make you feel blessed

0:56:230:56:26

# So it's all round to Mrs Brown's. #

0:56:260:56:30

APPLAUSE

0:56:300:56:33

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