Pigeon Post 'Allo 'Allo!


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Pigeon Post

Classic sitcom. The British airmen, disguised in the uniforms of the German colonel and captain, have been captured by the Communist Resistance.


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Transcript


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My name is Rene. This is my cafe, but at the moment my life is one big problem.

0:00:210:00:27

You see, I 'ave to be nice to the Germans.

0:00:270:00:31

They are my customers and are winning the war. If I am not nice to them, they will shoot me.

0:00:310:00:38

-I must be nice to the Resistance.

-Or they will shoot him for being nice to ze Germans.

0:00:380:00:43

I 'ave to be nice to my wife,

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because if she learns I'm having an affair with Yvette, she'll shoot me.

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If Yvette learns I'm having an affair with Maria, SHE'LL shoot me.

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Otto Flick, the Gestapo officer, is having dinner.

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Upstairs are two German officers in their underwear

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because I have given their uniforms to two British airmen, to 'elp them escape.

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HE is a forger for the Maquis.

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And the German officer at that table fancies me.

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And it is only Tuesday.

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Rene,

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the Colonel is impatient. You promised him his uniform back. That was 45 minutes ago!

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Take his mind off it. Amuse him.

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'Ow can I? Look at my celery.

0:01:320:01:34

-Maria, can't you entertain 'im?

-My celery isn't even good enough for soup.

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Herr Flick of the Gestapo is paying his bill.

0:01:390:01:43

Herr Flick will find the painting of the Fallen Madonna when he searches.

0:01:430:01:49

It's gone, but so 'ave the uniforms of the Colonel and Captain.

0:01:490:01:53

Zis could make the Gestapo suspicious.

0:01:530:01:59

Helga, keep Herr Flick amused.

0:01:590:02:01

Amusing the Gestapo is a very SERIOUS business.

0:02:010:02:05

-Can you think of something?

-Give me a large glass of brandy.

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Of course. At once.

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You have ten minutes.

0:02:210:02:23

Make it five.

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-We must hide the German officers.

-Take them to the room of my mother.

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Maria, tell the officers. I will explain to the old girl.

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-BANG

-Rene! Edith! Can nobody hear me?

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Shut up, you old bat. This place is crawling with the Gestapo.

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I shall tell zem nothing!

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Listen carefully to me.

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-Two German officers are coming to your room.

-SPIT.

-Pigs!

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They have already taken off the uniforms! Have you no finesse?

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They will not touch YOU, Mama.

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That is what zey said in 1917.

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Quick! In the wardrobe.

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If I do not have my uniform in ten minutes, you vill be shot!

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But your revolver is in the uniform which is being worn by the British airman, who is not here.

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Get in the wardrobe!

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Rene, 'e is on his way up 'ere.

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-Who is?

-Otto Flick of ze Gestapo.

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-Gestapo!

-Gestapo!

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The Gestapo are coming. If they find the Germans I could be shot!

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I shall not yield to the torture of ze Gestapo.

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Long live FRANCE!

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Shut up!

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Herr Otto Flick.

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Good evening.

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Good evening, Herr Flick.

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I am sorry to inconvenience you but I need to know certain things.

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There are two German officers in ze wardrobe and ze radio is under my bed.

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Very amusing.

0:04:200:04:22

I see I am vasting my time here. Heil Hitler.

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Heil Hitler!

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I will take the cognac upstairs. If the officers do not get their uniforms soon, they'll go mad!

0:04:280:04:36

Go with her, Yvette. She is under a great strain.

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Rene, when are we going to be alone?

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Go to the pantry. Wait for me by the Brie.

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Keep the...keep the lid on until I arrive.

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Check the window.

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All clear.

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Put that chair at the back of the door.

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Now, climb on the chair.

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-Oh, Maria!

-Oh, Rene!

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My little cabbage, my little beanshoot.

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My big cucumber.

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-You 'ave no idea what the feel of your firm, young body does to me.

-Yes, I 'ave.

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'Old me forever.

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-What were you saying to Yvette?

-Nothing!

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Nothing. No, she is nothing to me. You are my only true love.

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-How long can we keep our affair secret from your wife?

-As long as my reactions are quick.

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KNOCK KNOCK

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Someone at the window.

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I 'eard, but these cowardly legs of mine are paralysed with fear.

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I shall see who it is.

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Oh.

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You know, the velvet is wearing. We shall 'ave to start using another chair soon.

0:06:050:06:11

-It is the Resistance.

-Michelle - why are you 'ere?

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Listen carefully. I shall say this only once.

0:06:150:06:19

Rene, there is no Brie. I ate it last night.

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I shall say this only once.

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The German officers cannot stay in the room of my mother.

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London will be calling on the radio, and the loudspeaker is in her chamber.

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If the Germans hear a voice coming from her chamber-pot, our cover will be blown!

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Shut up. Michelle has something to tell us.

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Listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.

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-What is it?

-I 'aven't said it yet. If you listen, I will tell you.

0:06:500:06:55

The suspense is killing ME.

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The British airmen in the German uniforms 'ave been captured.

0:06:580:07:02

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

0:07:020:07:04

YES.

0:07:040:07:06

Will nobody believe this woman? Get on with the story.

0:07:070:07:11

The Resistance have captured them.

0:07:110:07:14

-Why are we worried?

-It is not OUR Resistance which caught them.

0:07:140:07:18

-What other Resistance is there?

-The Communist one!

0:07:180:07:22

-What are you?

-De Gaulle.

0:07:220:07:24

-De Gaulle?

-He is the tall one.

-With the big hooter.

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The Communists are ruthless. We have to eliminate them.

0:07:270:07:31

The Germans cannot leave without uniforms.

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That is no problem. London can do anything.

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I cannot tell the Germans about London! They will 'ave me shot!

0:07:390:07:44

We could say M. Leclerc, the forger, is a tailor, and 'e will make uniforms.

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You are married to a very clever woman.

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I have always preferred brains to beauty.

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Unless they 'ave big knockers.

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Go and tell Leclerc.

0:08:010:08:04

How can we contact London? The radio is under the bed, the Germans are in the wardrobe.

0:08:050:08:11

This is no problem. We will send the message by pigeon.

0:08:110:08:15

-We 'ave no pigeons!

-They will be provided.

0:08:150:08:18

Tomorrow at midday you will go to 36 Rue D'Escargot.

0:08:180:08:23

You will knock three times and zey will give you pigeons.

0:08:230:08:28

-To avoid suspicion you will be disguised as a small boy.

-Why not as a small girl?

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Because you ARE a small girl.

0:08:350:08:38

I 'ave come for the measurements.

0:08:420:08:45

Rene! Edith! It is the undertaker,

0:08:450:08:49

-and I am in ze peak of health!

-COUGH COUGH !

0:08:490:08:52

That voice!

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That face!

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Do these old eyes deceive me?

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Can it be... after all these years...

0:09:020:09:07

my F-Fanny?

0:09:090:09:13

Oh-h, can it be?

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It is! Roger!

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-Ohhhh!

-Oh-hh.

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My own sweetheart.

0:09:190:09:22

-Roger!

-Fanny!

0:09:220:09:24

-Ohhh...Roger!

-Fanny!

0:09:240:09:28

After all these years.

0:09:300:09:34

Where 'ave you been?

0:09:340:09:36

In ze nick, my love, in ze nick.

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And now fate has brought us together.

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That is the barn there.

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Are they hidden there?

0:09:520:09:54

-Without a doubt.

-We 'ave to get those uniforms so we must attack.

0:09:540:09:59

Listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.

0:09:590:10:04

Right, listen to me, my friends.

0:10:040:10:07

Unless you tell us what we want to know, I will make life very uncomfortable for you.

0:10:070:10:13

What's she talking about? I've actually no idea.

0:10:130:10:18

They think we're Jerries.

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Not Jerries!

0:10:200:10:22

Show them ze magneto and leads.

0:10:220:10:25

Perhaps you recognise this method of loosening ze tongue?

0:10:250:10:30

I think I've got it! What is it?

0:10:300:10:33

They want help to start their car!

0:10:330:10:36

You 'ave five minutes to talk, otherwise I will shoot you!

0:10:360:10:40

She's going to shoot herself!

0:10:400:10:42

That'd be a shame.

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Such a pretty girl! We'd better agree to do what we can.

0:10:440:10:49

We'll-do-what-we-can.

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I thought so. Zey are prepared to talk. Cut them down.

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Ooh! Ooh!

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Ready. Take aim.

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Fire!

0:11:020:11:04

VOLLEY OF SHOTS

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The Germans! Out ze back way!

0:11:050:11:08

If that's the Jerries, we could be shot. Get rid of these uniforms!

0:11:090:11:14

Shove them on the fire!

0:11:140:11:16

Cease fire!

0:11:200:11:22

They are running for it!

0:11:250:11:27

They think we are Germans.

0:11:270:11:30

We will cut them off at ze bridge.

0:11:300:11:32

OFF-KEY SINGING # Hear my song, in my gondola.

0:11:350:11:39

# Waiting on the old lagoon. #

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NO APPLAUSE

0:11:470:11:49

The German officers will not wait. They are coming down!

0:11:560:12:00

-In their underwear ?!

-No, they 'ave changed. Look!

0:12:000:12:04

-Where did they get those clothes?

-From the wardrobe. They're disguises left by the British airmen.

0:12:050:12:12

Ah! Pierre and Jacques, the onion sellers.

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Wine on the 'ouse for my friends, Pierre and Jacques. Come and sit down over 'ere, my friends.

0:12:160:12:23

Sit very comfortably 'ere.

0:12:230:12:25

Brilliant disguise! We'll 'ave your uniforms back soon!

0:12:250:12:29

If we do not get the uniforms today, you vill be shot!

0:12:290:12:34

Up against the wall, vith guns!

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But I see you are a man of compassion. Even as you speak, there are tears in your eyes.

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It's these damned onions!

0:12:430:12:46

Ah! Little George, my nephew.

0:12:460:12:50

It's good to see you again, lad.

0:12:510:12:54

-I 'ave what you want, uncle, here.

-Good boy!

0:12:540:12:57

-Take that basket of SCHOOL BOOKS, and put it in the back room.

-For you, anything!

0:12:570:13:05

This boy is very vell built.

0:13:110:13:14

It is my wife's cooking.

0:13:140:13:17

Why is he vearing suspenders?

0:13:170:13:19

We 'ave many problems with him.

0:13:200:13:23

Otto Flick is meeting me for lunch. You must go at once.

0:13:260:13:31

Too late!

0:13:310:13:32

Helga, you are here early. That is good!

0:13:340:13:37

-You told me not to be late.

-Your obedience pleases me.

0:13:370:13:41

-Sit!

-Yes, Herr Flick. Where?

0:13:410:13:43

Here.

0:13:430:13:45

You - French peasants, I am the Gestapo. I want this table.

0:13:450:13:50

Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering!

0:13:530:13:58

Heil Hitler!

0:13:580:13:59

Heil HIT-ler!

0:13:590:14:01

-Why are you dressed like this?

-Ve can explain.

-Ve can explain.

0:14:030:14:08

-I am vaiting.

-He is vaiting.

0:14:080:14:11

-I am trying to infiltrate the Resistance.

-I am doing the same as he is.

0:14:110:14:17

Dressed as a Colonel, the French avoid me.

0:14:180:14:22

-But with these onions I am one of them.

-I am one of them, too.

0:14:220:14:26

I must admit, you look like one of them.

0:14:260:14:29

Ahem! I could not help overhearing this conversation.

0:14:290:14:33

This 'as got nothing to do with you!

0:14:330:14:37

Go and drink your cognac.

0:14:380:14:41

This is an idea worthy of the Gestapo.

0:14:410:14:45

-Helga! Come with me!

-Yes, Herr Flick.

0:14:450:14:49

-Colonel, do you think he suspects anything?

-Not at the moment, but we MUST have those uniforms.

0:14:490:14:56

There is a slight problem, Colonel.

0:14:560:14:59

What problem? All we need is a fitting.

0:14:590:15:02

Well, that too would be a problem. The uniforms are being made in London.

0:15:020:15:07

-What?

-What?

0:15:070:15:08

They will be made by the best tailors - maybe even Savile Row.

0:15:080:15:13

Colonel, ve are Germans. To have our uniforms made in London must be against the rules!

0:15:130:15:19

Right, that does it. I will tell the Gestapo, and you vill be shot!

0:15:190:15:24

Ah, but dear Colonel, with respect, I am afraid you are in too deep.

0:15:240:15:29

There is the matter of 'elping the British airmen escape.

0:15:290:15:33

You DID do that.

0:15:330:15:34

There is the priceless painting of the Fallen Madonna, which is wanted by the Fuhrer.

0:15:340:15:40

You did pinch that, Colonel.

0:15:400:15:43

-You are in just as deep as I am.

-I only follow orders - YOUR orders.

0:15:430:15:48

Dear, lovely Colonel, there is no real reason to worry.

0:15:480:15:52

Soon you will have your uniforms back, and the copy of the painting to please the Fuhrer.

0:15:520:15:59

The girls will be 'ere with the wet celery, and life will be back to normal.

0:15:590:16:06

-He is right, Colonel.

-He better be. This war is getting very dangerous.

0:16:060:16:11

I will ask my wife to prepare for you a very special lunch.

0:16:110:16:15

Edith...we must keep those onion sellers 'appy.

0:16:150:16:21

-Shall I sing a song for them?

-No.

0:16:210:16:24

I want you to go into the kitchen and do something unforgettable.

0:16:240:16:28

Rene, you 'ave not said that to me since April 1940.

0:16:280:16:33

Maria! I am very cross with you.

0:16:410:16:45

Shall I get on the chair?

0:16:450:16:47

No!

0:16:470:16:49

What are these doing 'ere?

0:16:490:16:51

-They are suspenders to keep up my stockings.

-Gentlemen do not wear suspenders and stockings!

0:16:510:16:57

You should see the Colonel on a good night.

0:16:570:17:00

You nearly gave away the game! Hide those pigeons.

0:17:000:17:04

And, for heaven's sake, put on a dress. That German lieutenant thinks I'm like THAT.

0:17:040:17:10

YOU of all people.

0:17:100:17:12

-Don't move!

-Ah!

0:17:120:17:14

Lock ze door.

0:17:140:17:17

-Are we alone?

-Unless you count the three of us - yes.

0:17:170:17:21

-Have you found the British with ze uniforms?

-They ran away.

0:17:210:17:25

-Do you 'ave the pigeons?

-Yes.

0:17:250:17:27

I 'ave the cylinder to attach to them.

0:17:270:17:30

-Do you have measurements of the German officers?

-Yes.

0:17:300:17:35

Put that in here and clip it to the leg of one of the pigeons.

0:17:350:17:39

You will write a description of the uniforms we require.

0:17:390:17:44

Here is the paper supplied with the cylinder.

0:17:440:17:47

What shall I say?

0:17:470:17:49

To London. Please supply by parachute drop at your convenience

0:17:490:17:54

German uniforms as follows.

0:17:540:17:56

KNOCK KNOCK

0:17:560:17:58

Hello. Hello.

0:17:590:18:00

Sorry about the togs.

0:18:000:18:02

We had to pinch them off scarecrows.

0:18:020:18:05

What about the uniforms?

0:18:050:18:07

We burnt them. We didn't want to be shot as spies.

0:18:070:18:11

The painting's safe, though.

0:18:110:18:13

-What?

-They 'ave the picture but have burnt the uniforms.

0:18:130:18:17

Oh, heck! They cannot stay 'ere. Germans are everywhere.

0:18:170:18:22

-You'll find somewhere.

-There's the room of my wife's mother.

0:18:220:18:26

-The German Colonel and Captain are 'iding there.

-No, they are now disguised as onion sellers.

0:18:260:18:33

Then we can send the message by the radio.

0:18:330:18:38

Mama! It is I, little Edith.

0:18:380:18:41

What are you doing in the bed of my mother?

0:18:460:18:49

W-we were childhood sweethearts.

0:18:490:18:53

She was my love, but I thought I had lost it.

0:18:530:18:57

Now, once again, he has f-found it!

0:18:570:19:02

It could only 'appen in France. Here is your soup, Mama.

0:19:040:19:08

Mama, I...

0:19:080:19:09

What is the forger doing in bed with your mother?

0:19:110:19:15

He's an old lover. Isn't it romantic?

0:19:150:19:18

These togs have a frightful pong. Could you hang them on a line?

0:19:180:19:22

They take off their clothes. They are no better than ze Germans. Protect me!

0:19:220:19:29

Ze radio!

0:19:290:19:30

Come on, chaps, lend a hand. Lift the bed.

0:19:300:19:35

Thank you very much.

0:19:370:19:39

I say, they can't have much confidence in the soup!

0:19:390:19:43

'Allo, 'allo, this is Night Hawk, are you receiving me? Over.

0:19:430:19:48

These are my private quarters.

0:19:560:19:59

-I have had it made completely sound-proofed.

-I can guess why.

0:20:040:20:10

Yes. The noise of the lorries vas keeping me awake at night.

0:20:100:20:15

This is my godfather, Heinrich Himmler.

0:20:170:20:20

That one is me, in the Hitler Youth.

0:20:200:20:25

Your knees are very beautiful.

0:20:250:20:27

That's why I joined.

0:20:270:20:30

-I, too, was in the Hitler Youth.

-We are two of a kind. You may kiss me.

0:20:300:20:34

That gave me great pleasure.

0:20:510:20:54

This room has a very exciting atmosphere.

0:20:570:21:00

-Sit in that chair.

-Yes, Herr Flick.

0:21:000:21:04

I vant some information from you.

0:21:090:21:11

Oooh! I vill tell you anything, Herr Flick.

0:21:110:21:15

The Colonel and the Captain - do you think they know where the Fallen Madonna by Van Clomp is?

0:21:150:21:22

-I am sure they do not.

-Good! Some wine!

0:21:220:21:26

-Go to that cupboard.

-Yes, Herr Flick.

0:21:290:21:33

-Open it!

-Yes, Herr Flick.

0:21:360:21:39

From time to time it is necessary for the Gestapo to have many disguises.

0:21:390:21:45

-Bring me the two hangers on the extreme right.

-Yes, Herr Flick.

0:21:470:21:52

These are the clothes of onion sellers. We vill disguise ourselves and return to the cafe.

0:21:540:22:00

-Will they fit?

-There is only one vay to find out. Take off your uniform.

0:22:000:22:06

Yes, Herr Flick.

0:22:060:22:07

We will observe the normal proprieties. I vill change behind this screen.

0:22:170:22:25

Continue to take off your uniform.

0:22:290:22:32

Herr Flick! I hope you do not disapprove of my choice of undergarments.

0:22:470:22:53

Not at all. Such things are very popular in Berlin these days.

0:22:530:23:00

You know, it is quite pleasant to be a French onion seller. People smile at us.

0:23:180:23:24

Hmm. Especially that German officer over there.

0:23:240:23:28

I think - Hello! - I think I prefer being a peasant to being a German.

0:23:280:23:33

You'll be a DEAD peasant if Herr Flick finds out we've been helping British airmen to escape.

0:23:330:23:39

I 'ave good news, Colonel.

0:23:410:23:43

London is making your uniforms.

0:23:430:23:46

They will be dropped by parachute at dawn tomorrow.

0:23:460:23:50

-How do we know they will fit?

-The best Savile Row tailors are making them: 'Solomon and Klein.'

0:23:500:23:55

Jewish tailors!

0:23:580:24:00

Are you mad?

0:24:000:24:02

They are the best, Herr Colonel.

0:24:020:24:05

It's the principle of the thing!

0:24:050:24:07

-Had I known the tailors were Jewish things would have been different.

-We could've ordered extra shirts.

0:24:070:24:14

Lunch will soon be ready.

0:24:160:24:18

What is it? Gefilterfisch and bagels?

0:24:180:24:21

No, it is a surprise.

0:24:220:24:24

-How much longer must we wait?

-Should I sing to 'elp pass the time?

0:24:240:24:29

No! Get back to the kitchen.

0:24:290:24:31

My God! More onion sellers.

0:24:330:24:36

Colonel.

0:24:360:24:38

It is I, Helga!

0:24:380:24:41

-Why are you dressed like that? Herr Flick will be suspicious.

-He is also disguised like this.

0:24:410:24:47

Good afternoon, Herr Patron. I am just a simple onion seller in search of wine and food.

0:24:550:25:02

-Sit!

-Yes, Herr Onion Seller.

0:25:020:25:05

I will obtain wine and food at once.

0:25:050:25:09

M. Rene, that onion seller there. Is he another cousin?

0:25:090:25:13

Oh, very distant.

0:25:130:25:15

I am beginning to recognise your cousins. They are all very well built.

0:25:150:25:22

Here it is! A work of art! Casserole of pigeon.

0:25:220:25:27

It looks very appetising. Will you join us?

0:25:310:25:36

I shall be most honoured.

0:25:360:25:38

-Breast or leg?

-I like the legs.

0:25:400:25:43

I can vouch for the truth of this.

0:25:430:25:46

Where did you get the pigeons?

0:25:460:25:48

-In a basket in ze kitchen.

-Fool! They were carrier pigeons.

0:25:480:25:53

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

-Don't start...

0:25:530:25:56

Look, there on the leg is a cylinder. It contains the measurements of the Colonel...

0:25:560:26:03

There is a cylinder attached to the leg of this casseroled pigeon.

0:26:030:26:08

-Spices....they should have been removed. Allow me.

-Stop!

0:26:080:26:14

I vill investigate.

0:26:140:26:16

Inside the cylinder, covered in gravy,

0:26:180:26:23

is a piece of paper with writing on it.

0:26:230:26:27

Perhaps it is the recipe

0:26:270:26:29

or-or maybe even the name and address of the pigeon.

0:26:300:26:34

Clearly it is in code.

0:26:360:26:38

This will go to be deciphered by experts.

0:26:380:26:42

Congratulations, Herr Colonel, already these disguises are producing results.

0:26:420:26:48

Rene, what was on that paper? What will they discover?

0:26:530:26:59

Only that somebody's inside leg measurement is 34, chest 42 and neck 17.

0:26:590:27:05

-Who is that person?

-You, Colonel. But don't worry, your name was not upon it.

0:27:050:27:11

-Suppose they identify it from the measurements?

-Colonel, many people have a 42 chest!

0:27:110:27:18

Even Helga, if you include her onions.

0:27:180:27:22

What shall we do, Hans?

0:27:220:27:24

I think ve should eat the pigeons.

0:27:240:27:27

Hans, you are right!

0:27:270:27:30

-Rene, the vegetables.

-At once, Herr Colonel.

0:27:300:27:34

The British airmen, disguised in the uniforms of the German Colonel and Captain, have been captured by the Communist Resistance.