Pigeon Post 'Allo 'Allo!

My name is Rene. This is my cafe, but at the moment my life is one big problem.

You see, I 'ave to be nice to the Germans.

They are my customers and are winning the war. If I am not nice to them, they will shoot me.

-I must be nice to the Resistance.

-Or they will shoot him for being nice to ze Germans.

I 'ave to be nice to my wife,

because if she learns I'm having an affair with Yvette, she'll shoot me.

If Yvette learns I'm having an affair with Maria, SHE'LL shoot me.

Otto Flick, the Gestapo officer, is having dinner.

Upstairs are two German officers in their underwear

because I have given their uniforms to two British airmen, to 'elp them escape.

HE is a forger for the Maquis.

And the German officer at that table fancies me.

And it is only Tuesday.

Rene,

the Colonel is impatient. You promised him his uniform back. That was 45 minutes ago!

Take his mind off it. Amuse him.

'Ow can I? Look at my celery.

-Maria, can't you entertain 'im?

-My celery isn't even good enough for soup.

Herr Flick of the Gestapo is paying his bill.

Herr Flick will find the painting of the Fallen Madonna when he searches.

It's gone, but so 'ave the uniforms of the Colonel and Captain.

Zis could make the Gestapo suspicious.

Helga, keep Herr Flick amused.

Amusing the Gestapo is a very SERIOUS business.

-Can you think of something?

-Give me a large glass of brandy.

Of course. At once.

You have ten minutes.

Make it five.

-We must hide the German officers.

-Take them to the room of my mother.

Maria, tell the officers. I will explain to the old girl.

-BANG

-Rene! Edith! Can nobody hear me?

Shut up, you old bat. This place is crawling with the Gestapo.

I shall tell zem nothing!

Listen carefully to me.

-Two German officers are coming to your room.

-SPIT.

-Pigs!

They have already taken off the uniforms! Have you no finesse?

They will not touch YOU, Mama.

That is what zey said in 1917.

Quick! In the wardrobe.

If I do not have my uniform in ten minutes, you vill be shot!

But your revolver is in the uniform which is being worn by the British airman, who is not here.

Get in the wardrobe!

Rene, 'e is on his way up 'ere.

-Who is?

-Otto Flick of ze Gestapo.

-Gestapo!

-Gestapo!

The Gestapo are coming. If they find the Germans I could be shot!

I shall not yield to the torture of ze Gestapo.

Long live FRANCE!

Shut up!

Herr Otto Flick.

Good evening.

Good evening, Herr Flick.

I am sorry to inconvenience you but I need to know certain things.

There are two German officers in ze wardrobe and ze radio is under my bed.

Very amusing.

I see I am vasting my time here. Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler!

I will take the cognac upstairs. If the officers do not get their uniforms soon, they'll go mad!

Go with her, Yvette. She is under a great strain.

Rene, when are we going to be alone?

Go to the pantry. Wait for me by the Brie.

Keep the...keep the lid on until I arrive.

Check the window.

All clear.

Put that chair at the back of the door.

Now, climb on the chair.

-Oh, Maria!

-Oh, Rene!

My little cabbage, my little beanshoot.

My big cucumber.

-You 'ave no idea what the feel of your firm, young body does to me.

-Yes, I 'ave.

'Old me forever.

-What were you saying to Yvette?

-Nothing!

Nothing. No, she is nothing to me. You are my only true love.

-How long can we keep our affair secret from your wife?

-As long as my reactions are quick.

KNOCK KNOCK

Someone at the window.

I 'eard, but these cowardly legs of mine are paralysed with fear.

I shall see who it is.

Oh.

You know, the velvet is wearing. We shall 'ave to start using another chair soon.

-It is the Resistance.

-Michelle - why are you 'ere?

Listen carefully. I shall say this only once.

Rene, there is no Brie. I ate it last night.

I shall say this only once.

The German officers cannot stay in the room of my mother.

London will be calling on the radio, and the loudspeaker is in her chamber.

If the Germans hear a voice coming from her chamber-pot, our cover will be blown!

Shut up. Michelle has something to tell us.

Listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.

-What is it?

-I 'aven't said it yet. If you listen, I will tell you.

The suspense is killing ME.

The British airmen in the German uniforms 'ave been captured.

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

YES.

Will nobody believe this woman? Get on with the story.

The Resistance have captured them.

-Why are we worried?

-It is not OUR Resistance which caught them.

-What other Resistance is there?

-The Communist one!

-What are you?

-De Gaulle.

-De Gaulle?

-He is the tall one.

-With the big hooter.

The Communists are ruthless. We have to eliminate them.

The Germans cannot leave without uniforms.

That is no problem. London can do anything.

I cannot tell the Germans about London! They will 'ave me shot!

We could say M. Leclerc, the forger, is a tailor, and 'e will make uniforms.

You are married to a very clever woman.

I have always preferred brains to beauty.

Unless they 'ave big knockers.

Go and tell Leclerc.

How can we contact London? The radio is under the bed, the Germans are in the wardrobe.

This is no problem. We will send the message by pigeon.

-We 'ave no pigeons!

-They will be provided.

Tomorrow at midday you will go to 36 Rue D'Escargot.

You will knock three times and zey will give you pigeons.

-To avoid suspicion you will be disguised as a small boy.

-Why not as a small girl?

Because you ARE a small girl.

I 'ave come for the measurements.

Rene! Edith! It is the undertaker,

-and I am in ze peak of health!

-COUGH COUGH !

That voice!

That face!

Do these old eyes deceive me?

Can it be... after all these years...

my F-Fanny?

Oh-h, can it be?

It is! Roger!

-Ohhhh!

-Oh-hh.

My own sweetheart.

-Roger!

-Fanny!

-Ohhh...Roger!

-Fanny!

After all these years.

Where 'ave you been?

In ze nick, my love, in ze nick.

And now fate has brought us together.

That is the barn there.

Are they hidden there?

-Without a doubt.

-We 'ave to get those uniforms so we must attack.

Listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.

Right, listen to me, my friends.

Unless you tell us what we want to know, I will make life very uncomfortable for you.

What's she talking about? I've actually no idea.

They think we're Jerries.

Not Jerries!

Show them ze magneto and leads.

Perhaps you recognise this method of loosening ze tongue?

I think I've got it! What is it?

They want help to start their car!

You 'ave five minutes to talk, otherwise I will shoot you!

She's going to shoot herself!

That'd be a shame.

Such a pretty girl! We'd better agree to do what we can.

We'll-do-what-we-can.

I thought so. Zey are prepared to talk. Cut them down.

Ooh! Ooh!

Ready. Take aim.

Fire!

VOLLEY OF SHOTS

The Germans! Out ze back way!

If that's the Jerries, we could be shot. Get rid of these uniforms!

Shove them on the fire!

Cease fire!

They are running for it!

They think we are Germans.

We will cut them off at ze bridge.

OFF-KEY SINGING # Hear my song, in my gondola.

# Waiting on the old lagoon. #

NO APPLAUSE

The German officers will not wait. They are coming down!

-In their underwear ?!

-No, they 'ave changed. Look!

-Where did they get those clothes?

-From the wardrobe. They're disguises left by the British airmen.

Ah! Pierre and Jacques, the onion sellers.

Wine on the 'ouse for my friends, Pierre and Jacques. Come and sit down over 'ere, my friends.

Sit very comfortably 'ere.

Brilliant disguise! We'll 'ave your uniforms back soon!

If we do not get the uniforms today, you vill be shot!

Up against the wall, vith guns!

But I see you are a man of compassion. Even as you speak, there are tears in your eyes.

It's these damned onions!

Ah! Little George, my nephew.

It's good to see you again, lad.

-I 'ave what you want, uncle, here.

-Good boy!

-Take that basket of SCHOOL BOOKS, and put it in the back room.

-For you, anything!

This boy is very vell built.

It is my wife's cooking.

Why is he vearing suspenders?

We 'ave many problems with him.

Otto Flick is meeting me for lunch. You must go at once.

Too late!

Helga, you are here early. That is good!

-You told me not to be late.

-Your obedience pleases me.

-Sit!

-Yes, Herr Flick. Where?

Here.

You - French peasants, I am the Gestapo. I want this table.

Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering!

Heil Hitler!

Heil HIT-ler!

-Why are you dressed like this?

-Ve can explain.

-Ve can explain.

-I am vaiting.

-He is vaiting.

-I am trying to infiltrate the Resistance.

-I am doing the same as he is.

Dressed as a Colonel, the French avoid me.

-But with these onions I am one of them.

-I am one of them, too.

I must admit, you look like one of them.

Ahem! I could not help overhearing this conversation.

This 'as got nothing to do with you!

Go and drink your cognac.

This is an idea worthy of the Gestapo.

-Helga! Come with me!

-Yes, Herr Flick.

-Colonel, do you think he suspects anything?

-Not at the moment, but we MUST have those uniforms.

There is a slight problem, Colonel.

What problem? All we need is a fitting.

Well, that too would be a problem. The uniforms are being made in London.

-What?

-What?

They will be made by the best tailors - maybe even Savile Row.

Colonel, ve are Germans. To have our uniforms made in London must be against the rules!

Right, that does it. I will tell the Gestapo, and you vill be shot!

Ah, but dear Colonel, with respect, I am afraid you are in too deep.

There is the matter of 'elping the British airmen escape.

You DID do that.

There is the priceless painting of the Fallen Madonna, which is wanted by the Fuhrer.

You did pinch that, Colonel.

-You are in just as deep as I am.

-I only follow orders - YOUR orders.

Dear, lovely Colonel, there is no real reason to worry.

Soon you will have your uniforms back, and the copy of the painting to please the Fuhrer.

The girls will be 'ere with the wet celery, and life will be back to normal.

-He is right, Colonel.

-He better be. This war is getting very dangerous.

I will ask my wife to prepare for you a very special lunch.

Edith...we must keep those onion sellers 'appy.

-Shall I sing a song for them?

-No.

I want you to go into the kitchen and do something unforgettable.

Rene, you 'ave not said that to me since April 1940.

Maria! I am very cross with you.

Shall I get on the chair?

No!

What are these doing 'ere?

-They are suspenders to keep up my stockings.

-Gentlemen do not wear suspenders and stockings!

You should see the Colonel on a good night.

You nearly gave away the game! Hide those pigeons.

And, for heaven's sake, put on a dress. That German lieutenant thinks I'm like THAT.

YOU of all people.

-Don't move!

-Ah!

Lock ze door.

-Are we alone?

-Unless you count the three of us - yes.

-Have you found the British with ze uniforms?

-They ran away.

-Do you 'ave the pigeons?

-Yes.

I 'ave the cylinder to attach to them.

-Do you have measurements of the German officers?

-Yes.

Put that in here and clip it to the leg of one of the pigeons.

You will write a description of the uniforms we require.

Here is the paper supplied with the cylinder.

What shall I say?

To London. Please supply by parachute drop at your convenience

German uniforms as follows.

KNOCK KNOCK

Hello. Hello.

Sorry about the togs.

We had to pinch them off scarecrows.

What about the uniforms?

We burnt them. We didn't want to be shot as spies.

The painting's safe, though.

-What?

-They 'ave the picture but have burnt the uniforms.

Oh, heck! They cannot stay 'ere. Germans are everywhere.

-You'll find somewhere.

-There's the room of my wife's mother.

-The German Colonel and Captain are 'iding there.

-No, they are now disguised as onion sellers.

Then we can send the message by the radio.

Mama! It is I, little Edith.

What are you doing in the bed of my mother?

W-we were childhood sweethearts.

She was my love, but I thought I had lost it.

Now, once again, he has f-found it!

It could only 'appen in France. Here is your soup, Mama.

Mama, I...

What is the forger doing in bed with your mother?

He's an old lover. Isn't it romantic?

These togs have a frightful pong. Could you hang them on a line?

They take off their clothes. They are no better than ze Germans. Protect me!

Ze radio!

Come on, chaps, lend a hand. Lift the bed.

Thank you very much.

I say, they can't have much confidence in the soup!

'Allo, 'allo, this is Night Hawk, are you receiving me? Over.

These are my private quarters.

-I have had it made completely sound-proofed.

-I can guess why.

Yes. The noise of the lorries vas keeping me awake at night.

This is my godfather, Heinrich Himmler.

That one is me, in the Hitler Youth.

Your knees are very beautiful.

That's why I joined.

-I, too, was in the Hitler Youth.

-We are two of a kind. You may kiss me.

That gave me great pleasure.

This room has a very exciting atmosphere.

-Sit in that chair.

-Yes, Herr Flick.

I vant some information from you.

Oooh! I vill tell you anything, Herr Flick.

The Colonel and the Captain - do you think they know where the Fallen Madonna by Van Clomp is?

-I am sure they do not.

-Good! Some wine!

-Go to that cupboard.

-Yes, Herr Flick.

-Open it!

-Yes, Herr Flick.

From time to time it is necessary for the Gestapo to have many disguises.

-Bring me the two hangers on the extreme right.

-Yes, Herr Flick.

These are the clothes of onion sellers. We vill disguise ourselves and return to the cafe.

-Will they fit?

-There is only one vay to find out. Take off your uniform.

Yes, Herr Flick.

We will observe the normal proprieties. I vill change behind this screen.

Continue to take off your uniform.

Herr Flick! I hope you do not disapprove of my choice of undergarments.

Not at all. Such things are very popular in Berlin these days.

You know, it is quite pleasant to be a French onion seller. People smile at us.

Hmm. Especially that German officer over there.

I think - Hello! - I think I prefer being a peasant to being a German.

You'll be a DEAD peasant if Herr Flick finds out we've been helping British airmen to escape.

I 'ave good news, Colonel.

London is making your uniforms.

They will be dropped by parachute at dawn tomorrow.

-How do we know they will fit?

-The best Savile Row tailors are making them: 'Solomon and Klein.'

Jewish tailors!

Are you mad?

They are the best, Herr Colonel.

It's the principle of the thing!

-Had I known the tailors were Jewish things would have been different.

-We could've ordered extra shirts.

Lunch will soon be ready.

What is it? Gefilterfisch and bagels?

No, it is a surprise.

-How much longer must we wait?

-Should I sing to 'elp pass the time?

No! Get back to the kitchen.

My God! More onion sellers.

Colonel.

It is I, Helga!

-Why are you dressed like that? Herr Flick will be suspicious.

-He is also disguised like this.

Good afternoon, Herr Patron. I am just a simple onion seller in search of wine and food.

-Sit!

-Yes, Herr Onion Seller.

I will obtain wine and food at once.

M. Rene, that onion seller there. Is he another cousin?

Oh, very distant.

I am beginning to recognise your cousins. They are all very well built.

Here it is! A work of art! Casserole of pigeon.

It looks very appetising. Will you join us?

I shall be most honoured.

-Breast or leg?

-I like the legs.

I can vouch for the truth of this.

Where did you get the pigeons?

-In a basket in ze kitchen.

-Fool! They were carrier pigeons.

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

-Don't start...

Look, there on the leg is a cylinder. It contains the measurements of the Colonel...

There is a cylinder attached to the leg of this casseroled pigeon.

-Spices....they should have been removed. Allow me.

-Stop!

I vill investigate.

Inside the cylinder, covered in gravy,

is a piece of paper with writing on it.

Perhaps it is the recipe

or-or maybe even the name and address of the pigeon.

Clearly it is in code.

This will go to be deciphered by experts.

Congratulations, Herr Colonel, already these disguises are producing results.

Rene, what was on that paper? What will they discover?

Only that somebody's inside leg measurement is 34, chest 42 and neck 17.

-Who is that person?

-You, Colonel. But don't worry, your name was not upon it.

-Suppose they identify it from the measurements?

-Colonel, many people have a 42 chest!

Even Helga, if you include her onions.

What shall we do, Hans?

I think ve should eat the pigeons.

Hans, you are right!

-Rene, the vegetables.

-At once, Herr Colonel.